Meet and Greet: 5/18/18

Come on, join this Meet And Greet! πŸ™‚

Dream Big, Dream Often

Β 

It’s time for the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!! Β Strap on your party shoes and join the fun! Β 

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.Β  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times! Β It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want. Β It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.Β  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

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Question of the day.

It really upsets me when I hear people…

My answer:

…vomiting. πŸ˜€ That was the first what came to my mind. I’m laughing while writing this, but the problem is real and serious. Anything about vomiting scares me and it is this way since as long as I can remember, although it wasn’t always to such an extent that you could call it phobic. Even the word vomit in all the languages in which I know how to say it sounds quite… not scary, but… don’t know, disgusting and… and maybe yes, maybe a bit scary. I can’t define a specific situation though that has caused this fear in me, however when I was in my early teens, lots of fears that I had before started to exacerbate and I got a bunch of speciffic phobias during relatively short time. At that time I was very neurotic and had lots of weird psychosomatic issues, well now we know they were psychosomatic but they were rather enigmatic then. I’ve never struggled with any serious digestive issues at all, but then I had overwhelming nausea most of the time and had just a single episode during that time when I vomited simply because of emotional overlload, as I know now. And as I can remember that was the moment when my fear really exacerbated.

I couldn’t hear people vomiting without feeling like my knees weere of jelly, nauseated, dizzy and about to faint, even people who were about to vomit scared me and it was very hard for me to hide. I could love you to pieces, but if you were sick, I wouldn’t come closer than a metre to you if I had the choice, and most willingly wouldn’t even be in the same room as you, even for a very short while. If I had to be with you, I’d then wash my hands for 5 minutes afterwards. It was just way stronger than me. I couldn’t watch movies where people vomited, gagged or even choked, it freaked me out immediately. Even books were hard to get through without making me shaky. And I think I don’t have to mention that I was scared of the possibility that I could vomit or even be close to it. At that time I had a whole lot of restrictions and if I had to break them, I was freaking out, oh, I was freaking out even not doing it, ’cause everything is possible. It was developing very quickly to the point that one of the staff at the boarding school was convinced I’m anorectic. My list of forbidden foods quickly evolved from a few speciffic dishes to most foods and I was very ingenious in making up ways to not alarm anyone with the fact I’m barely eating anything nutritious. It was scary. So many things were scary. Eating, drinking, travelling, tummybugs – which are often guests when so many people live together, periods, meds – well they could also be helpful at times – various scary diseases…………………

And it lasted for quite long, but I got somewhat better gradually after I left the boarding school. I am still emetophobic and it is a significant issue for me – I’m eaten up by anxiety whenever someone in my surroundings gets sick, no matter whether it’s contagious or not – I still have some foods I’ll NEVER EVER eat, even some which I actually liked, and theoretically still like, but, ugh, nooo. I still have times when it becomes worse out of nowhere and I can barely function like a normal human being. I still can’t watch movies with people vomiting, but talking about the topic as you can see isn’t so very scary now for me as it used to be, unless we don’t go too much in details. I can read books with people vomiting with almost no problem, or I just skip it and go on, although there were some books which I had to stop reading, like I remember there was one book by Colleen MCCullough I wanted to read, I started and enjoyed it, but there were people vomiting at least three times and I just couldn’t move on. Hearing people around me vomiting is hell.

But you know what’s most ridiculous about it? Since that time in my teens when I vomited, it has NEVER EVER happened to me again. I’ve read on the forum for emetophobics something that if I got it right, said that people who suffer from emetophobia are so blocked from vomiting that they can’t do it physically. Don’t know whether it’s true, and whether it changes anything, but it makes some sense. I’ve had one or two norovirus infection during all those years, I got also rather severely dehydrated once, and although I did feel like I’m just about to vomit then and my fear was indescribable, I just didn’t and it felt like I had some sort of blockade inside. People say vomiting it’s not pleasant, but it’s good because then you feel better, but I’d rather live with extreme nausea and other stuff all the time than vomit once.

OK, over. Yuck, what a fascinating topic.

How would you end this sentence and why? πŸ™‚

Daniel Lloyd A Mr. Pinc – Goleuadau Llundain (London Lights).

This is a song that I really like since a few months and I hope you’ll like it too. πŸ™‚ It’s in Welsh and the lyrics are in the video.

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Anyone up for coffee? Eclectic Ali, who hosts Weekend Coffee Share over at

https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/05/18/weekendcoffeeshare-tea-and-scones/ has scones for her visitors this week. I don’t, but I have an apple pie. πŸ˜€ So be so nice and have at least some apple pie with me, if the hour is too late for coffee for you and you’re afraid you won’t sleep, I can get some tea if you prefer. Or kefir. Or whatever.

If we were having coffee, I’d traditionally ask each one of you how you’re doing.

If we were having coffee I’d ramble for quite a while about how relieved and happy I am because of my finals being over. It was so exhausting, it’s so good to be free from this shit…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m having a very nice weekend, feeling really upbeat as for my standards. Wonder how long this graduating euphoria will fuel me. πŸ˜€ I guess until I fully realise I have nothing to do with myself. I plan on having a yearly break from any further education in the formal sense of this word, but still would like to make something possibly constructive out of it. Yesterday at night I had some shitty dreams, like most of them were some semi-fictional reminiscences of the last few weeks filled with exams, but despite it when I woke up yesterday I felt very rested, which was good because I hadn’t slept really well for quite a while, planned on sleeping off on Friday night but Zofijka desperately wanted to sleep with me and I can never sleep well with someone, so it had to wait. As I woke up I felt just like most people probably feel when they realise it’s the first day of their vacation/holidays, with the difference it was my second. Zofijka was very bored and was getting on my nerves a lot yesterday, she is always extremely annoying and absorbing when bored, but she got some things to do in the afternoon. My grandparents came over for lunch. My grandparents sell eggs and on Saturdays they always go to their customers in our area so at the end they always come to us and Mum has always lunch for them. They congratulated me for my oral exams results and were so over the moon with them. I wonder what my gramma will be like if it turns out that I didn’t pass the math one and that I’m not gonna redo it, she was so excited, but I think it could be a bit of a problem for her to accept it. Not like I’m gonna worry about it a lot, but just wouldn’t like her to be worried too much and wouldn’t like her to make a drama about it because she wasn’t prepared for it. So I told them those are still only orals results and it will take a while until we’ll know everything. I know my grandad won’t have any issues with it thoug. We chatted while having lunch. Zofijka was supposed to have Maths, but it was delayed so she went out to get some ice cream for us and to let her energy out. When grandparents left, our – or rather Zofijka’s now – maths tutor arrived. Gosh I still can’t believe my collaboration with her is truly over. I haven’t talked to her this week yet, I know she will be asking about how I feel about my math exam and how I think it went, and I just don’t know what to say, because it was just a pure improvisation. Another miracle will be needed if I want to get the minimum – 30% of it. We’ll just see what the future brings. My parents went to my uncle for a barbeque in th evening.

Today I am also having a very nice day. I didn’t sleep as well as yesterday because I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, but I don’t feel sleepy or anything.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I decided on making some change in my lifestyle. A few months ago my Mum discovered a book –
“Ancient Secret Of The Fountain Of Youth” by Peter Kelder – and started to practice five Tibetan rites. If you’re not familiar with this term, I’ll just tell you it is a system of exercises that are said to help your overall wellbeing, and, what’s most important for most people doing them, they are claimed to have rejuvenating properties. I was actually shocked when my Mum told me she’s doing them. We are Christian, and yoga is said to be something spiritually dangerous according to the Christian religion, , the Church says you cannot separate the exercises from their spiritual context and you open your mind for the philosophy behind it, which is simply not being faithful cause well you can’t be Christian and buddhist at the same time. I was never particularly interested in yoga, it was something very distant from my interests, so I just accepted it as it is, even though I am not the one who blindly follows all the prohibitions of the Church, since some of them just aren’t well-founded enough and it’s hard to say what they are based on, I just always want to make my own opinion on things before I say it’s bad if it interests me, unless the evidence is clear. Yoga though was one of the things on which I agreed that can be dangerous. I’ve only known people who were either atheists, or very lost in their spiritual life, who were practicing yoga. I had always an impression they’re very calm, but something inside of them definitely isn’t. I’ve heard stories about people living in buddhist monasteries and practicing yoga and going very deep into it, and then being enslaved by the devil, having lots of spiritual hardships and various complex issues showing up in their lives, paradoxically losing their peace of mind and complacency which yoga is said to build up. ANd that sounded rather scary. Plus all these positions that represent and symbolise various aspects of buddhism and make you, consciously or not, practically glorify another God with your body. That didn’t sound appealing. I always thought about people doing yoga as either anointed yogis, or people that are kind of lost in their lives, are searching for some sort of help, peace of mind, and don’t quite know which way to go, maybe don’t have their own clear views on things, or the opposite, want to try out anything possible either for fun or for wellbeing and in search of happiness. And now my Mum is another yoga freak. That’s too awful.

I talked to her about how yoga is considered a bad thing by the Church and was wondering what’s wrong with her, her who always seemed to know, where’s the border between a real danger or something worthless and shitty and just bad, and something that is demonised and exaggerated. She always had this kind of instinct or maybe just sensibility, that was guiding her and showing her what is OK, and where some cautiousness would be needed. But my Mum said she doesn’t approach it as something yoga-based, she doesn’t care about the philosophy behind it, all that bullshit about chakras and good and bad energy, they are just good exercises, and she is sure that if someone has a healthy approach to it, doesn’t go to deep in their mind while doing it, they can only be good for you. She said that from the moment she first read about it she knew it’s something for her. She was searching for something really good and anti-aging, and she believes that what they refer to as chakras, energetic channels and stuff, is simply our hormonal system, and that’s what it works for, but not only. And first of all, you can’t call it rites, ’cause it sounds ridiculous and only appropriate if you also combine the exercises with some sort of meditation or stuff. I was rather scared and pissed off because of her extreme changeability, and not really convinced by her arguments.

What convinced me that there is really something in it was how my Mum started to change. What striked me first was how optimistic she became shortly after starting practicing these exercises. I mean, she was always optimistic, but since she started them, she’s become like more cheerful, serene, less worrisome, more living in the present, coping better with everyday issues that were more troublesome for her before, like in relationships, being more compassionate, more patient –
she was usually an easily annoyed person – appreciating small things more than before, started to seem drawn to nature more than before, more energetic, and her optimism seems somewhat infectious. It wasn’t a one big change happening during one day, it was going gradually, but since I know her very well and because she was talking to me a lot about her feelings about these exercises, I was able to notice a lot of change. She also told me she doesn’t have any cravings now, like for sweets, eats less and only when she’s hungry, and therefore she loves to eat as never before. Her biological clock has reset, and now she has slightly odd hours of functioning as for these days. She wakes up almost every day with the sunrise, so now it’s usually like 5:30, feels slightly sleepy and like having a nap about 3 PM, and then usually goes to sleep at 10 and falls asleep almost immediately and sleeps well. Apparently her climacteric symptoms are gone. My Mum is suspected to have coeliac disease and some doctors told her that this disease, or actually eating wrong food may make her tired. She had been dealing with a lot of fatigue and couldn’t get what’s causing it. It isn’t fully gone now, but she says it’s visibly better. In the past, I could notice multiple times that she had times when she was very forgetful, sometimes even a little brain fogged, easily distracted, I was very worried about it that it may be some early trailer to some bigger future memory issues. But now she haven’t had such issues for a while. She says she can think very clearly, and like her brain also got kinda general reset. She says it’s easier for her to pray, paradoxically, and that she is generally more focused on things. There are many more other benefits she has noticed over these past few months, I was talking to her just before writing this post to kind of summarise all that and she just bombed me with a ton of different observations. And she became actually addicted to these exercises. πŸ˜€ TO the point that even when we were riding back and forth for these exams, she was getting up half an hour earlier to exercise. Well I’ve heard some people say when you are addicted to anything, whether it’s generally good or bad, it takes away your freedom from you and you become enslaved. But if we will look this way at people and our freedom, then freedom is something boring, I think. Most of us are addicted either to reading, or to our loved music, or favourite activity, or other passions. and that gives our lives some meaning. If we’ll look at freedom this way, there’s no freedom in this earthly life for us. ‘Cause we all have our passions, habits, limitations, we all have to adjust to other people, rules, our social groups, other circumstances, we can’t be completely free in such understanding of freedom. SO that being said, what’s wrong with such good addiction? I’ve been observing my Mum for all these months she’s exercising, quite worried and anxious that maybe it may ruin her relationship with God, but in fact it looks like it’s the opposite. and she looks blooming now.

And during my exam session, not for finals but my last exams at school, I started to think that it could be something good for me. As I am not riding regularly now, I practically don’t have any regular physical activity. And I would definitely need some to keep my muscles fit. But what’s more important, Mum has been reading to me about various properties of the five rites and it looks like there are many benefits for our mental health. And if you believe in what they say, it’s not only about the endorphines releasing. I think I ned to focus more on my mental health. I was ignoring it for way too many years in the past. And there may be other things I can benefit from these exercises.

So I told Mum ‘m gonna do them with her and she was like oh wow I can’t believe it that’s so good! That was quite a surprising decision even for myself. But I feel like it’s the right one.

I started doing the five Tibetan rites on Friday. My Mum does them twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening before 6, but I do them only in the morning, at least now. When I have some more physical activity in the evening, I’ve noticed it’s often very hard for me to fall asleep at night, so I don’t want to risk at least for now, my sleep is messed up enough. I’m doing these exercises now more like an experiment now, but if I’ll see some changes, I’ll definitely stick to them. They seem very easy, but they aren’t. Right now, I do 5 repeatings of every exercise, the maximum is 21 times, and you have to increase it gradually, depending on just how you feel, if you feel like increasing, you do it, and then you stick with it until you can do more and more. My Mum is already on 21 repeatings. For me though, it will surely take much more time to get there. The exercises seem easy, almost ridiculous, but they’re hard to do. For me, the first rite is most difficult, because of my coordination issues. You have to at the same time raise your head so that your chin touches your chest, while having your back on the ground, raise your straightened legs at the same time, and coordinate your breathing with it, so that when you raise your head and legs, you breathe in with your nose, and when you relax, breathe out with your mouth. For me, all that all at once is extremely hard to do and raising up my head with back sticking to the ground isn’t easy either now. It’s even more hard because of my Achilles tendons being shortened. I told you I had surgery for it when I was 10, but it was shit and didn’t really help. Because of them being shortened, I can’t fully straighten my legs while having them both raised, and I can’t sit on the floor with my legs being fully straightened and backs of my knees touching the ground, I just feel like they are blocked or when I try to do it, it just damn hurts. SO right now I’m doing the exercises as I can, hoping I’ll be able to do them more accurately with time. Before you start doing the actual exercises, they say you should spin around for as many times as many repeatings of exercises you do. That’s also rather challenging for me now because I get dizzy very easily and my balance is shitty. I get vertigo often in various circumstances e.g. when I have very high anxiety, and that makes me even more anxious, because I feel not safe, plus it triggers my emetophobia, ’cause, you know, you get dizzy, then you can get nauseous of it, and… anything could happen, right? πŸ˜€ And that in turn makes my anxiety and vertigo even worse. SO yeah, I hate that spinning thing, but at least I’m doing it on the mat so I know that as long as I’m on it, everything’s right and I know where I am, plus my Mum is with me because I am very very very dizzy after those 5 spins. The five rites are all about good breathing, which I like. My breathing isn’t the best, especially when I’m stressed, and I hope to improve my breathing techniques as I progress. I also noticed, much to my surprise, that if I am breathing properly, I can regulate my vertigo. Though when you think about it it’s not very surprising. My dizziness is very often just anxiety induced, so the higher anxiety, the higher the vertigo can be, and also the higher is my anxiety, the worse and more shallow is my breathing. So when I was spinning for the first time on Friday and then finished and was so very dizzy I could barely stand on my own, Mum told me to breathe deeply and I was surprised to find out that if I breathe deeper, and properly it calms down faster than normal and I can have some control over it.

My muscles are pretty sore now, especially in my higher back and neck, and my abdominal muscles, but not so that it’s a big discomfort, I’m actually glad of it because it means I’m really doing something with them. No drastical changes in me as for now though. πŸ˜€ But watch out! I don’t want to transform into an optimist, I am really glad of being a defensive pessimist, and I don’t think I could ever become a real optimist, but I’m curious what will happen to me and how I will feel.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I was scared yesterday for a while. I was going through my emails as I do every day and I saw an email from my old friend. I talked about her a bit before. She was the one with whom I decided to cut all the contact. I was going to school with her, the school for the blind, and although I couldn’t call her my best friend, and I surely wasn’t one for her, we liked each other. We had kinda similar outlook on various topics, similar sense of humour and maybe in some way also our tastes were similar. She kept saying I know her brain and can read in it like in a book and in some way our way of thinking was also similar, although I didn’t feel like I really know her in a way you know someone who is your soulmate or something, she was just very extroverted and it was easy to figure her out, so to say. Plus she was easy to like, so I liked her, as many others. I left the school and she was the only one to continue any contact with me. I tried to maintain the relationship with another girl, whom I did consider my best friend for a while, but she didn’t seem to want it as much as I did then so I left her and this girl who emailed me (well let’s call her S) was the one from that school with whom I contacted regularly. I’ve never felt any stronger feelings of friendship or likemindedness with her, I just liked her, but as time passed I started to feel more and more uncomfortable with her. I thought it’s because she was still at that school, she reminded me about it and I couldn’t free from it as I wanted. But I still liked her, and it seemed awkward to just leave her because I want to be free from my memories, I wouldn’t be either way. Shortly after I realised she’s taking a lot of things for granted. Like she was often asking me to do things for her which were easier for me to do than for her, she wanted me to be very engaged in her life, in what is going on for her. When I did something for her, she showed her satisfaction and even appreciation at times very enthusiastically, but then she wanted more from me. More attention, more engagement, more time with her, talking on the phone, more various favours. If I could do something and didn’t mind, I was doing it. But when I was gently saying that, you know, I have some other things to do, and it doesn’t really fit me at the moment, she was like very hurt, in my honest opinion, not adequately to the situation, like I’d say I’ll never do it, or I’ll never do anything for her, was saying that I am exaggerating, it’s just a little thing, and it surely won’t take me a lot of time, but OK, if I have so many other things to do, she will wait. So I felt like I did something wrong, maybe I really hurt her, maybe it’s really so important for her. Also, when we were writing together, she usually started the conversation with talking about what’s going on for her, then asked me what I’ve been up to lately. I was responding to her message trying to refer somehow to what she wrote and telling her about what was going on for me. In her response though, she hardly ever tried to refer to what I wrote about myself, just was continuing the topic of her recent life events. While I really do like helping people, listening to them and sharing with them their joys and troubles, if I care about them, the way she bombarded me with only information about her, her love life, her favourite things, her school… was slightly, and increasingly, annoying and overwhelming for me. If there was something she wrote and I found it hard to refer to in any constructive way and wouldn’t respond, she was like what’s going on? Why don’t you write to me? Did something happen? Or sent me another message with other things and wrote something like: “PS: Look at the previous message, I guess you haven’t read it, I’m waiting for the answer”. When it was her birthday, she was asking questions like “Any wishes for me?” as if it was some form of joke, but I can’t remember when I got birthday wishes from her the last time. Not like I cared about it particularly and waited for them, but I guess the initiative shouldn’t be only from one side. Or when she had her blog at one of our blind communities, lots of her posts were finished with a conclusion: “Waiting for your comments guys” even though it wasn’t really anything to refer to in the post, or she was sending us messages asking us to read her post and comment on it and then asking several times if we read it. I’ve also had my blog on there, but it was very rarely when I got any comments from her. The way she asked us for comments seemed slightly weird for me, well if I had to attract people to my blog by writing to them and asking for comments, I would never start doing it, it feels rather disgracing. Surprisingly for me though, others in the community didn’t mind it, or seemed so. But it all was incredibly annoying for me. And I felt like “God, maybe I’m just so selfish?”. Well everyone needs some attention, everyone likes getting positive feedback from others and likes having friends. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? She was starting in a new school then, a mainstream school, and was writing she feels very lonely there, so I thught maybe it’s because of it. Why haven’t I seen it before when we were at school? She was definitely absorbing, but I haven’t noticed so much craving for attention, in fact she seemed even otherwise, but maybe I confused it with her sensitivity.

The crisis happened when she got a crush (on her teacher, ew, how can anyone have a crush on a teacher? but well that’s just my opinion, I would never have one) and it seemed like she has no one else to talk about it freely but me. I felt somewhat honoured, ’cause as I said, I like helping people, I know how it feels to be lonely with your feelings, and, above all, I am an expert in crushes, well maybe not in this kind of crushes, but in general. I’ve had so many of them, and my music ones are almost legendary πŸ˜€ so intensive they can be. I tried my best to be empathetic and as much involved as it would be healthily but it was rather annoying for me. Well I was having a crush at the same time too, why can’t it be a two way information exchange? She was asking me how I’m doing and sometimes about my crush even, but always ignoring my answers, so I finally got it that it’s just a courtesy and limited myself to very casual information. And one day she got an idea of a short story about her life and about her crush. Or actually an idea that she would like to see a short story about it. She asked a few people from our former school with whom she kept in touch, including me, to “write a fan fic about her”. Guys, tell me honestly, would you like someone to write a fanfic about your life? Would you feel good with it? No, it’s not a biased question, I’m just curious about what other people think about such an idea. I wrote about it to my pen pal C. long afterwards and she just snorted with laugh, but then said it actually sounds scary, she wouldn’t like anyone to tinker in her life, and why is she so convinced people are as interested in her life as she is? The first thing that I thought was though – why can’t she write it on her own, wouldn’t it be more interesting? And then I thought that for me, it seems slightly unhealthy. If people write about other people’s lives, it’s usually because there’s really something fascinating about them, they were/are famous or something…

Nevertheless, I decided to at least try. I know she would be, or seem at least, so so very hurt and offended if I would just refuse, and I knew she is lonely with this whole crush and doesn’t have anyone else to talk about it, I didn’t know how to refuse in any way that wouldn’t hurt her if even just saying gently that I can’t right now is too hard. Plus I thought that maybe if I’ll do it for her, and that’s a lot to do and would cost me a lot of dedication and commitment, maybe that will change something in her very annoying attitude and she will be less selfish. And if the selfish one here is me, then the more I should try and compensate it for her this time. SO I told her that OK, I’ll try, but I don’t promise anything.

It was fucking exhausting and cost me a lot indeed. But I tried my best, despite being extremely pissed off and despite I know I could as well just leave it and tell her she’d better do it for herself. But she told me that all the other people whom she asked refused and now I’m her only hope. So I felt like I have to do it, if it will really help her… I was sending her every chapter so that she could find things that weren’t very realistic or needed some correction. And I finally did it . And she was over the moon: “Oh thanks I love you I love you so much you just know me so well”.

That didn’t last long, however. After some other issues with her that were very tough for me, I got a message from her saying something like this: “You know it’s my birthday soon? And I’ve got a mission for you. Could you write another fanfic about me? A continuation of that previous one?” and then there was a whole description what she would like it in general to look like and some potential inspirations for me. I got cross. I wrote to her, politely, but a bit icily and straight-forward, that sorry, but it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever do another one, I just have too many other things to do that are currently much more important and reminded her I’m having my finals this year. And she seemed very touched and hurt. But I wasn’t moved by it this time.

I thought about breaking all the contact with her a lot, but it seemed totally impossible. She had my phone number, we had lots of the same friends, were in the same networks… just not doable. And what I’d tell her. I’m breaking with you, because you’re selfish? Other people still like her, despite she is. Maybe something is wrong with me, and not with her? But as the time passed I felt more and more stressed and literally felt nauseous whenever I saw a message from her. I was making longer and longer breaks between logging in to any social media/communicators where she was too and where we were talking. And finally I made the decision… A boy whom I also know IRL from the integration school, and with whom S. is close nowadays because he is “Fascinating” wrote to me whether I would be able to meet with him and S. That boy and me live quite close to each other, and S. was going for holidays here. I freaked out. Just freaked out. That was the last thing I wanted. To see her. And trigger all the shitty memories. Talk about “old, good times”. Fuck it. I didn’t even respond to him. I went to my Mum and was very distressed and asked her for an advice. It seemed ridiculous for me to be stuck in relationships that are so uncomfortable for me and that don’t bring anything good into my life, but how to wriggle out? And of course Mum also told me it’s ridiculous. I thought about all my other friends that oth S. and I know. I’d have to leave them all. But, surprisingly, although I felt some pity about some of them, I didn’t feel like my life wuld be much worse or more empty without them. There was one girl whom I knew since my childhood, we really liked each other, we called ourselves best friends, but with years we got somewhat distant to each other, our interests weren’t the same any longer and we both changed so so much. I still liked it, I still do now, I always tried to be supportive for her, she is from a dysfunctional family, and she was always so kind to me, I grieved when I thought about leaving her and not knowing what’s going on with her, but there was no longer anything that would really make us real friends, and she had many more good friends who were supportive to her. If I had to cut all the contact with S. I’d have to cut all the contact with that girl too, because they knew each other and I know that girl wouldn’t understand me and why I need to keep myself away from S. S. knows we both are often in touch and she could ask her whether she knows what’s going on with me and where I am, and she’ll tell her, ’cause why not.

SO I decided to leave them all. I felt awful with it. Like I’m isolating. I’m cruel for S. to not tell her anything. But I knew that if I’d tell her, she would be hurt and offended again and make me feel qualm again. I just needed to do it once and for good, and possibly quickly, before I change my mind. I got rid of all the communicators where S. was. Didn’t delete my account to not make anyone suspect anything, but just got out silently. I changed my Twitter account and protected it and left the old one (luckily I have tons of email addresses for everything) and as I knew from the past she may start to call me like crazy, I even changed my phone number. I felt weird about it all really. Like I’m exaggerating, and hurting her. But I didn’t regret. I don’t regret until now. I have other friends with whom I feel really well and like we are for each other, not the way I was for S. I feel a part of this community and I am so happy I have this blog and I have you guys. And I don’t miss anyone there. I still don’t know and have doubts sometimes whether I did the right thing and think that maybe I am wrong, not her, maybe I can’t have proper relationships with people and wanted too much, or took it too directly, but I still feel good with what I did, I don’t want to go back there. Sometimes I just think about S. I actually feel sorry for her, I would like to know how she’s doing now and whether she has anyone to talk to about her crush and stuff, how she feels about me just disappearing so suddenly. Sometimes I feel like I could tell her something before I left, but I know I’d feel too guilty and she’ll stop me. SO no, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m glad I separated from them, even though I knew so many of them in real life, even though they are blind like me, even though now I hardly ever write in Polish with anyone. πŸ˜€ I don’t feel a part of them. I liked many of them in a way, but I’ve always felt different and kinda awkward with them.

And yesterday I got an email from her… the topic was just her style: “Read it to the end”. I froze. Shit from where she got my email? Did I give it to her? I can’t exclude it, but I can’t remember doing it. The only other way I see how she could get it is via that boy who lives near me – he is a programmer and the author of one of the blind communities where we were. I was registered to that community with this email, and he could give it to her. Well I hope it was this way, not something more sophisticated, I wouldn’t suspect her of doing something more to get it, but who knows.

I didn’t even open that message. I just sat and was shocked. I didn’t want to open it. Was too scared. I set a filter in my email client to always delete any future potential messages from her without bothering me with them. What you never know won’t hurt you, and if I’ll ignore them, she’ll just stop bothering sending anything in future. But after a few hours I decided to open it. I didn’t read the whole of it. Just looked at it very cursorily. She was asking in a way like she was deadly offended whether now when the finals are over I’ll come back and have more time for her. “Im waiting! I’m still waiting! Did something happen? Are you offended or something?”. I don’t know what else was there but at the end she wrote that one of the communities for the blind where we were together is soon to be closed, and if I want I can download an archive of my data from there before they close it. I haven’t been there for ages, and I don’t have anything to do there anymore, and also I knew before that it’s about to close, but I thought it was nice of her to notify me, even though I also knew it was just an excuse to write to me, well she has the right to wonder what’s going on with me, she has the right to ask. And I have the right to my freedom and to leave it as it is. I even was tempted to write to her just to thank her, to simply not be rude, but decided I prefer to be rude than get another message from her then and start it all over again. Sometimes you have to be radical. I am still horribly doubtful whether I do the right thing, maybe I should at least tell her why I left, but I just can’t right now. I wouldn’t even know what to tell her. So I didn’t do anything. But I’m glad it was only this, I was afraid it might be something more awful she wrote. It didn’t however made me freak out completely and I settled again quickly.

And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you one more thing. Tomorrow I’ll have a psychiatric assessment for AVPD and dysthymia. I’m damn anxious, but at the same time I’m really looking forward to it. I wanna know what’s up with my freaky brain. I wanna get some constructive opinion at last. I wanna get some help, although it’s weird because at the same time I’m absolutely scared of getting help and support from people, I just can’t figure out myself and I never will. What’s great is that I’m lucky. The psychiatrist who will assess me will be the same whom I saw those four years ago when I left the boarding school and who diagnosed me with reactive depression. I saw her only once, but I was getting along with her really well and she was very sensible. She works mainly with children. Not exclusively but mainly, and I’m glad she is still willing to assess me even though I’m not a child anymore and I won’t have to tell my story over and over again to someone I don’t know at all.

Congrats to those who got through all my brain vomit, I really appreciate your commitment if you did it, although I realise it’s highly unlikely someone will get through it all, I just needed to ramble and my diary doesn’t seem enough.

Anyway, I want to know what would you tell me if we were having coffee. πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

Something I would never consider doing all by myself is…

My answer:

…lots of stuff, but since it’s been on my mind a little for a while lately, travelling by public transport, especially for long distances, particularly by train. I was doing it for a while in my life, well not by myself but with my orientation instructor, but it was pretty much like by myself, she was only there in case something bad would happen or I’d be terribly lost – which I was very often – – but practically I had to travel by myself and wasn’t able to ask her any questions or for any other help, if I wanted some hints I could only ask other people. That was a terrible thing and I always felt paralysing anxiety before and during orientation, because I was so terribly bad at it technically, due to my multiple issues like with balance or mobility etc. plus because of my anxieties. I guess I’ve mentioned in one of my very recent posts that because I didn’t have any other official diagnosis apart from blindness and Achilles tendons deffect that would be known for the staff at the school for the blind where I ws learning, they couldn’t adjust it more to me, they just wanted concrete diagnosis/diagnoses on paper, which in my case was rather hard, because my issues were too mild to be classified as a symptom of some more complex disorder, and too bad to be just ignored since they’ve impacted me a lot, so they were always referred to by doctors and other specialists kinda collectively and briefly as sensory integration issues or something similar. My Mum and me strived for either some clear and official diagnosis, or for some more individualised approach to me since even without labelling evidence of my issues was rather obvious, but finally we didn’t get either.

The period of me travelling short distance by public transport was very short, because shortly after I started doing it I left the school since the opportunity appeared, and I started doing it later than most of my peers because of all the above mentioned issues and so because I haven’t yet learnt all the necessary techniques and wasn’t confident in many areas that were familiar to me when many other kids were starting with public transport, so they gave me more time to prepare for it. I still lacked at lots of skills when I finally started travelling though.

Although my orientation tutor was a very nice person and generally we were getting along quite well, this is one of my most dreadful memories from the boarding school. I was only travelling by bus or sometimes by underground and only on very short distances, but that was a pure nightmare, from the very first minute to the last. All my phobias have been exacerbated during that time, like I was agoraphobic as long as I remember but it was rather mild, and at the time I was learning to commute by public transport it got worse so much that suddenly I was afraid of open spaces even with someone else whom I trusted, in spaces that I knew relatively well and felt relatively safe before so was constantly in extreme tension and being functional and normal was quite a challenge and I actually wonder how I was doing it so that no one noticed I’m going crazy.

I’ve never travelled by train completely by myself, but we were often told at school as little children that one day we will learn it and will be able to travel back and forth from home to school on our own. That seemed like quite an abstraction for me and I couldn’t get how I can ever do it, sounded a little scary, but at the same time I waited for it with some excitement, ’cause then I could be home every weekend if only I wanted. However years later I had a few opportunities to travel by train with complete or almost complete strangers. When I was like Zofijka’s age – 10-11 – my Mum had gal bladder surgery just before summer holidays, my Dad had a crazy job schedule and there was no one who would be able to pick me from school for holidays. So there was one woman from the staff going to the same part of the country where I live so they decided at school she will assist me during the journey. She was working in the boarding part for boys and one of the boys was going with her for some sort of concert where he was playing. They knew each other very well, but I didn’t know neither of them, so felt rather strange and not really safe. They had plenty of things to talk about during the journey, but since I hadn’t have a clue what they were talking about I felt a bit like a fifth wheel. And that made me thinking whether I would really like to travel by train on my own. It seemed quite overwhelming. Then I was also travelling back and forth with another girl’s mum, but she was a very nice person, plus we were travelling together more than once so I got to know her and liked her, but still, I didn’t like travelling with her because I just feel kinda unsafe. And it wasn’t just about commuting by train, if I was going somewhere by train with Mum or anyone else I knew really well, that was OK and even kinda exciting, maybe because it didn’t happen frequently. But when I had to travel with someone I didn’t know that well, I was very hypervigilant and overwhelmed.

and so when I started to learn to commute, I lost all the enthusiasm to the idea of travelling home by myself. I hadn’t got any lessons on travelling by train, but always thought that if going by bus even on a short distance is such a big deal for me that I can barely breath properly and be functioning, commuting by train has to be waay too exhausting then. Plus I felt discouraged, ’cause if I can’t manage any routes properly and anything I did seemed to be wrong, I couldn’t get how I could be able to manage a train ride, with changes. That seemed totally abstract and not worth the effort.

This came to my mind because of my recent encounter with the headmistress of the school for the blind where I was passing my finals, about which you can read more in my last Weekend Coffee Share post. That was unbelievable and to put it veery briefly she was comparing me with “brilliant” students at her school, who are better than me at just everything. And she told me one of the girls is commuting to school by train, and that’s what I should do too. No comment.

Nowadays, I don’t travel by myself at all, since there’s no need for it and, as it seems from all the above stuff, no way as well. My family travels everywhere by car, we have three cars, and now as we live in the town it’s much easier to move around on foot. Right now, even if it wouldn’t be such a big deal for me mentally and technically, I don’t even have anywhere particular to travel, I can go to my gramma by bus. πŸ˜€ We visit her bi-weekly, but I could be so nice and do it once a week. πŸ˜€

My life situation can, and might, change with time, and maybe I’ll be living on my own or something, and not have anyone to give me a lift everywhere I need, I don’t know, maybe with time I’d be able to manage my anxiety and other issues and learn at least some basic routes, or will go by taxi everywhere, or rely on my siblings, anyway, whatever future circumstances might be, I will NEVER, ever travel by train on my own! That’s way too scary.

What’s such thing for you?

Yr Angen – Hanner Nos (Midnight).

Hiya people! πŸ™‚

SometiME ago I shared with you a song called “Revolver” by the same band, saying I just don’t know why I like their vocalist so much, other than cus his name is Jac. I just find something charismatic and fascinating in him although I theoretically know there probably isn’t anything so fascinating objectively and, also theoretically I know that he’s completely not my style, not at all like most singing guys I get even a slightest fascination about. But I just like him, and Yr Angen in general. Not to the point of real full blown fascination, they have released too little and I know barely anything about them as people, but their music just speaks to my brain and opens something in it that no one else succeeded to go in and even I myself didn’t know there is something in my brain so deep inside.

The British Royal Wedding Weekend Share #33

Want to get some more exposure for your blog, or follow some more blogs? Join Trina’s Weekend Share. It’s great. πŸ™‚

Its good to be crazy Sometimes

I will admit, I do enjoy linking the weekend share to something good that is going on in the world. Sometimes we all need a bit of happiness and this weekend, Prince Harry, 5th in line for the throne is getting married, I have ignored the majority of the press about it, because I can probably guess what is being said and no one, especially those that are getting married should have to deal with that. So instead, lets just celebrate that people are getting married and celebrate love.

blog party1

If you have never done this before, give it a go, you lose maybe 30 seconds of your life adding a link and you never know who might see it, I will, my mum probably will, so its well worth it.

As everything is life there are rules, if you are new or just need reminding here they are

Rules are…

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