Still without my laptop.

Hi guys! 🙂
So yeah it’s just as in the title, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it fixed very soon. It looks like it’s more an issue with the sound in general than with the screen-reader, and yesterday I called the IT specialist to ask him to look at it again, and I told him roughly what’s going on. He said he can’t come earlier than tomorrow 6 PM but even he agreed with me that it looks pretty bizarre, so I don’t expect it to be fixed right away as neither me nor him have any idea about what’s causing it at the moment.
So as you can imagine I’m pretty bored already, though luckily I have tons of books and still have some of my music, a lot of music actually, but not my entire collection, on my PlexTalk, and of course what’s the most important I have Misha, who really helps me when he’s around because mentallyI feel rather crappy, havinglots of memories and weird dreams because of September coming very soon and in this situation I’m in now it’s hard to distract, plus feeling ratherisolated doesn’t help even though in most cases I find my own company to be just enough.
Our two little cousins are here with Zofijka and Mum’s going with them to the amusement park soon. Yuck! Anyone else hating amusement parks? I hate them fiercely, probably just because of my screwed k_p labyrinthum and that I was forced to go there at school at some special occasionsbecause it’s “fun”. 😀 Though I am happy they’re having fun, Zofijka loves amusement parks and she doesn’t seem to be as lucky as I was and it’s rare for her to be able to goto them often.
Misha wants to say he had a breathtaking adventure yesterday, being able to hang out with the magpies through the window. Mum says he’s poor, because they clearly laughed at him and looked like they screamed at him to go away, but he doesn’t think he’s poor, he wasn’t afraid of them and didn’t care about them making fun of him, he was happy to have some other beings than humansto interact with, and seemed very agitated because of that, but s also very brave and courageous, and if you openedthewindow,I’m really not sure whether it would be Misha who’d run away first. He still seems to be a little agitated and often looks at the window as if he wanted them to come back.
Yesterday I finally got my packet of treats from that online shop I told you about in the last Music Monday Care & Love. I waited for it about a week so much longer than the last time I was buying snacks and sweets at their shop, but never mind. The Jalapeno Pepper Jack Lay’s are way too addictive, yesterday just me and Zofijka, with a really little help from our cousins, ate one pack of them. That led us tothe conclusion that if we livedin the US we’d eat “the Jack chips” for every meal. 😀 Don’t think I’d really want it and I wouldn’t like to see how fat we’d be then, but hey, everyone can dream and not have to fear it may ever come true, right? 😀
And on Sunday we all also had lots of delicious food, way more healthy. We went to the pizzeria nearby, it’s a pizzeria but you can eat much more there than just pizzas and related stuff, it’s pretty much like a restaurant and we really like it. And we had a big dinner, or actually a lunch, as it was rather early. I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I had very low BP and feeling a bit rubbish and I thought I’m anything but hungry, but finally I went too and I suddenly s very very hungry so that I even helped my Mum with her food, although I oftenstruggle to eat all of mine as they make really big dishes. We were all glad overall.
I’m sorryI haven’t been reading much of your blogs lately, that sucks, and I don’tknow whether I’ll be catchingup on absolutely everything when I get my computer fixed as it’ll probably be a whole lot of posts, but I don’thave the access to my email from Braille-Sense, so I can’t be up to date with all of your blogs, but I hope I’ll be soon. 🙂
OK so that’d be all from me, hope you’re having a goodweek and more productive than mine haha.

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A short announcement.

Hey guys! 🙂
I’m sorry if this post looks weird like has odd typos or is not formatted as it should or whatever – blame my trashy, 11-year-old Braille-Sense, not me! 😀 Though I hope it’ll look just fine, and I guess I shouldn’t complain about my Braille-Sense because it’s the only thing I’m left with now.
I’m popping in for a while just to tell you I screwed my computer, then the IT specialist came and saved me – and screwed my screen-reader, or the sound, or whatever, I dunno! whatever it was, it’s screwed up now, and I am a nervous wreck because I don’t know what to do! no one knows what to do and it looks very bizarre if I’m honest, but if oh well isn’t pretty much everything that happensto me more or less bizarre?
Due to this, I have no fricken idea when things will change, what I know though is that until things won’t change, my activity online(if any)will be severely limited. I am actually pretty surprised that my Braille-Sense is still brainy enough to get along with WordPress.
I can’t do much on it though, as the Web browser in it is really very simple and outdated, plus it’s not very comfortable to write lengthy posts on it because it freezes easily and the keyboard is slowly falling apart. Sheesh I can’t wait to get funding for a new one.
So as you see, until I’ll get back my laptop working, thisblog probably won’t be very active,I might only post small updates or (perhaps) question of the day posts, though with the latter it would be rather hard because I’ve planned some questions about music and I can’t add links to posts from here. And I will do my best to answer any comments, but that’s it for now. I’m happy though that I can post at least something from here, that changes things a bit.
So pleeease keep your fingers crossed, send prayers and positive thoughts my and my computer’s way, cus it’s awfully important for me to get it back, as you know I’m pretty much non functional, dependent and isolated without it in my daily life, and writing myself out is as essential for my wellbeing as food.
Have a nice rest of the weekend. 🙂
PS: Misha is very disappointed he couldn’t write his post yesterday so he sends Mishhugs and Mishpurrs to anyone who may need them and wants to say he tried to escape through the roof once again yesterday, but now promises to berave better. 😉

Question of the day.

Hi guys. 🙂

Here’s the last question from our little series about various people we know, and it’s inspired by the thread on Behind The Name message board. It’s to do strictly with names, and I realise not everyone has their own list of favourite names, the more other people to talk with them about it, but still I don’t think that the topic of names isn’t so very uncommon even for those who aren’t name geeks, so I decided to ask this question. So here it is, and my answer to it.

Have you ever known anyone who hates your very favourite names?

My answer:

Yeah, my Mum. I don’t know why actually, because pretty often we seem to have a bit similar styles in many things, but definitely not in names. We both like traditional names, but I also like some very original names and a lot of names from other cultures, and even the traditional Polish names which we like or some vintage ones are different in their feel. Sheesh, she even hates the name Jacek, despite it’s her husband’s name. I don’t think I could live for 20-ish years with someone whose name I’d hate. He’d have to be really really perfect in all other regards. And by the way, I think if I’d have a husband, and wanted to have kids, I’d also have to look for someone with the exact same taste with names as mine, or not colliding too much with mine haha. I can be a very conciliatory person usually, but I just can’t imagine naming my child a name I really dislike – even for a middle name – just because my husband likes it, and so many mums I know seem to do it. My Mum says my name tastes are to quirky and sophisticated for her. Whereas I can agree for sophisticated somewhat, because I like a lot of quite classy names, particularly for girls, but for boys too, I don’t think my tastes in names are really very quirky. Like I am quirky, and many things I like are quirky, but not necessarily names, I don’t like too much originality with them. Just a bit is OK. Also there are lots of name lovers I know, and I know quite a few whose tastes seem to be definitely different than mine.

How about you?


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Remembering… or how to tell your brain it’s over?

I’m remembering

a lot of stuff from the past lately. Lots and lots of memories which I try to ignore, and sometimes I succeed, sometimes not. So I thought maybe writing about it would help, if ignoring doesn’t work out too well. Those memories are mostly related to the beginning of the school year, which used to be an absolute nightmare for over a decade.

I see people from my family and others buying their kids things for school, I hear my Mum talking how she’s afraid of the next schol year for Zofijka, I notice time flying so quickly and September approaching, and each time I see any signs of the school year coming, I have to remind my brain, it’s not you now, it’s over. But it doesn’t listen for too long, and soon I get overflooded by another wave of memories.

I remember all those days and nights before I”d go back to the boarding school when I cut myself ’cause my pain and helplessness were too bad. I remember not being able to eat and sleep because of the anxiety. I remember the feelings of utter loneliness and not belonging anywhere, along with many other overwhelming feelings with which I couldn’t cope, but finally I always had to cope somehow, so I just bottled them up, feeling them rising inside of me with every second. I remember feeling very unsafe and rebelled that I had to leave everything that felt nice, familiar, everything and everyone that I loved, and how desperate I was to not do it. I felt guilty and weak because even though the situation was the same and obvious for so many years, that there was no alternative for me, I still couldn’t adjust to it. Well in a way I did, but the adjustment was only hiding what I felt so it wouldn’t bother anyone else, because well how long can it take you to accept something so obvious and inevitable that if you have special needs and need special education, you need to go to school where they can adjust things to you, and there aren’t many of such so most children have to be away from their families. For me that was an issue, and it looked like it was wrong.

Those feelings always accompanied me when I had to leave home and go to the boarding school, but when the school year was starting, they were particularly intense. Because the school year always meant changes. Changes that could often regard me more or less, but even if they were directly to do with me, it wasn’t a norm that I, or even any of my parents, were asked about our opinion, whether we agree on them or not, whether they’re acceptable. That was normal there. If you had a friend, who was also your roommate, with whom you lived for years, you got to know very well, you should be aware that when you come back to school next year, you may suddenly be informed that you two will no longer live together because… just because. And you could not only be moved to another room, but also to a completely different group. THis exact situation didn’t happen to me, only because I didn’t have real friends there, but it did to one of my classmates and she was just told to get over it, because it was necessary and such situations happen in life so she has to get used to it. I though changed my roommates very often too, and it was often very tough. And many other changes could await you there, hardly, if ever, nice.

So yeah, I was just sick of anxiety every year before the start of school year, and afterwards too.

But it’s now four years since I got out of there, and I am so happy about it, yet each time it’s close to September, my brain goes mad. Even this year, when I’m completely free of that freaky brain washing machine called education system. I even had a pretty yucky dream last night, I haven’t have this kind of memory dreams in a while, but that one was yucky and it took me quite a while to get back to the present after I woke up. Those dreams aren’t particularly scary, like creepy or something, but are just kinda made of my crappy memories so reliving them over and over definitely isn’t nice aND I wake up feeling nausious and stressed out.

As I wrote earlier today in Music Monday Care & Love post, I am trying to fill this week with various self care activities and other enjoyable things, and that helps me to stay in the present and focus on the positive, and there is much positive stuff going on in my life. Plus it helps me to not slip down again to that self-loathing hole, which is always very easy when I’m having memories. But it doesn’t stop my brain from going back to the past, often at least expected moments.

So I wonder, how do you make your brain know it’s over? It seems all so complicated.

 

The purring symphony.

Curled up together, we silently lie

me, and him – Misha, the sweet child of mine

I can hear the beating of his feline heart

knowing that no one could tear us apart.

I breathe in  his smell, listen to his sounds

his delicate paws, his head, small and round.

My hand on his chest, I feel how he breathes

What do you dream of, in your peaceful sleep?

his purring – a comforting

symphony

Puts me to sleep, with its sweet harmonies.

When the day comes, I wake up calm and free

And that’s how we live, my Misha and me.