Still without my laptop.

Hi guys! 🙂
So yeah it’s just as in the title, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it fixed very soon. It looks like it’s more an issue with the sound in general than with the screen-reader, and yesterday I called the IT specialist to ask him to look at it again, and I told him roughly what’s going on. He said he can’t come earlier than tomorrow 6 PM but even he agreed with me that it looks pretty bizarre, so I don’t expect it to be fixed right away as neither me nor him have any idea about what’s causing it at the moment.
So as you can imagine I’m pretty bored already, though luckily I have tons of books and still have some of my music, a lot of music actually, but not my entire collection, on my PlexTalk, and of course what’s the most important I have Misha, who really helps me when he’s around because mentallyI feel rather crappy, havinglots of memories and weird dreams because of September coming very soon and in this situation I’m in now it’s hard to distract, plus feeling ratherisolated doesn’t help even though in most cases I find my own company to be just enough.
Our two little cousins are here with Zofijka and Mum’s going with them to the amusement park soon. Yuck! Anyone else hating amusement parks? I hate them fiercely, probably just because of my screwed k_p labyrinthum and that I was forced to go there at school at some special occasionsbecause it’s “fun”. 😀 Though I am happy they’re having fun, Zofijka loves amusement parks and she doesn’t seem to be as lucky as I was and it’s rare for her to be able to goto them often.
Misha wants to say he had a breathtaking adventure yesterday, being able to hang out with the magpies through the window. Mum says he’s poor, because they clearly laughed at him and looked like they screamed at him to go away, but he doesn’t think he’s poor, he wasn’t afraid of them and didn’t care about them making fun of him, he was happy to have some other beings than humansto interact with, and seemed very agitated because of that, but s also very brave and courageous, and if you openedthewindow,I’m really not sure whether it would be Misha who’d run away first. He still seems to be a little agitated and often looks at the window as if he wanted them to come back.
Yesterday I finally got my packet of treats from that online shop I told you about in the last Music Monday Care & Love. I waited for it about a week so much longer than the last time I was buying snacks and sweets at their shop, but never mind. The Jalapeno Pepper Jack Lay’s are way too addictive, yesterday just me and Zofijka, with a really little help from our cousins, ate one pack of them. That led us tothe conclusion that if we livedin the US we’d eat “the Jack chips” for every meal. 😀 Don’t think I’d really want it and I wouldn’t like to see how fat we’d be then, but hey, everyone can dream and not have to fear it may ever come true, right? 😀
And on Sunday we all also had lots of delicious food, way more healthy. We went to the pizzeria nearby, it’s a pizzeria but you can eat much more there than just pizzas and related stuff, it’s pretty much like a restaurant and we really like it. And we had a big dinner, or actually a lunch, as it was rather early. I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I had very low BP and feeling a bit rubbish and I thought I’m anything but hungry, but finally I went too and I suddenly s very very hungry so that I even helped my Mum with her food, although I oftenstruggle to eat all of mine as they make really big dishes. We were all glad overall.
I’m sorryI haven’t been reading much of your blogs lately, that sucks, and I don’tknow whether I’ll be catchingup on absolutely everything when I get my computer fixed as it’ll probably be a whole lot of posts, but I don’thave the access to my email from Braille-Sense, so I can’t be up to date with all of your blogs, but I hope I’ll be soon. 🙂
OK so that’d be all from me, hope you’re having a goodweek and more productive than mine haha.

Remembering… or how to tell your brain it’s over?

I’m remembering

a lot of stuff from the past lately. Lots and lots of memories which I try to ignore, and sometimes I succeed, sometimes not. So I thought maybe writing about it would help, if ignoring doesn’t work out too well. Those memories are mostly related to the beginning of the school year, which used to be an absolute nightmare for over a decade.

I see people from my family and others buying their kids things for school, I hear my Mum talking how she’s afraid of the next schol year for Zofijka, I notice time flying so quickly and September approaching, and each time I see any signs of the school year coming, I have to remind my brain, it’s not you now, it’s over. But it doesn’t listen for too long, and soon I get overflooded by another wave of memories.

I remember all those days and nights before I”d go back to the boarding school when I cut myself ’cause my pain and helplessness were too bad. I remember not being able to eat and sleep because of the anxiety. I remember the feelings of utter loneliness and not belonging anywhere, along with many other overwhelming feelings with which I couldn’t cope, but finally I always had to cope somehow, so I just bottled them up, feeling them rising inside of me with every second. I remember feeling very unsafe and rebelled that I had to leave everything that felt nice, familiar, everything and everyone that I loved, and how desperate I was to not do it. I felt guilty and weak because even though the situation was the same and obvious for so many years, that there was no alternative for me, I still couldn’t adjust to it. Well in a way I did, but the adjustment was only hiding what I felt so it wouldn’t bother anyone else, because well how long can it take you to accept something so obvious and inevitable that if you have special needs and need special education, you need to go to school where they can adjust things to you, and there aren’t many of such so most children have to be away from their families. For me that was an issue, and it looked like it was wrong.

Those feelings always accompanied me when I had to leave home and go to the boarding school, but when the school year was starting, they were particularly intense. Because the school year always meant changes. Changes that could often regard me more or less, but even if they were directly to do with me, it wasn’t a norm that I, or even any of my parents, were asked about our opinion, whether we agree on them or not, whether they’re acceptable. That was normal there. If you had a friend, who was also your roommate, with whom you lived for years, you got to know very well, you should be aware that when you come back to school next year, you may suddenly be informed that you two will no longer live together because… just because. And you could not only be moved to another room, but also to a completely different group. THis exact situation didn’t happen to me, only because I didn’t have real friends there, but it did to one of my classmates and she was just told to get over it, because it was necessary and such situations happen in life so she has to get used to it. I though changed my roommates very often too, and it was often very tough. And many other changes could await you there, hardly, if ever, nice.

So yeah, I was just sick of anxiety every year before the start of school year, and afterwards too.

But it’s now four years since I got out of there, and I am so happy about it, yet each time it’s close to September, my brain goes mad. Even this year, when I’m completely free of that freaky brain washing machine called education system. I even had a pretty yucky dream last night, I haven’t have this kind of memory dreams in a while, but that one was yucky and it took me quite a while to get back to the present after I woke up. Those dreams aren’t particularly scary, like creepy or something, but are just kinda made of my crappy memories so reliving them over and over definitely isn’t nice aND I wake up feeling nausious and stressed out.

As I wrote earlier today in Music Monday Care & Love post, I am trying to fill this week with various self care activities and other enjoyable things, and that helps me to stay in the present and focus on the positive, and there is much positive stuff going on in my life. Plus it helps me to not slip down again to that self-loathing hole, which is always very easy when I’m having memories. But it doesn’t stop my brain from going back to the past, often at least expected moments.

So I wonder, how do you make your brain know it’s over? It seems all so complicated.

 

The purring symphony.

Curled up together, we silently lie

me, and him – Misha, the sweet child of mine

I can hear the beating of his feline heart

knowing that no one could tear us apart.

I breathe in  his smell, listen to his sounds

his delicate paws, his head, small and round.

My hand on his chest, I feel how he breathes

What do you dream of, in your peaceful sleep?

his purring – a comforting

symphony

Puts me to sleep, with its sweet harmonies.

When the day comes, I wake up calm and free

And that’s how we live, my Misha and me.

Share Your World.

Cee’s Share Your World.

 

Which tastes better: black or green olives?
I love olives in general, olives are one of my favourite foods. It doesn’t matter whether black or green.

What’s your favorite room in your home?
My own.

What fictional family would you be a member of?
There’s such a Polish series I’ve talked about probably more than I can count on this blog, it’s called “Jeżycjada”, and it’s written by Małgorzata Musierowicz. It is generally perceived as a series for teens, or for girls, or women, but my personal opinion is that it is suitable just for everyone, unless you really crave for a very fast and changeable plot in a book. It’s full of warmth and humour, yummy food, very fascinating characters that at the same time are also just nice to be around. All that with the witty style and erudition of Musierowicz’s on top which make these books way too good to just classify them as your typical books for teens, in fact I don’t thik many of the typical Polish teens would actually read themwith pleasure because of a bit difficult vocabulary at times, for example my Zofijka says they’re boring because she doesn’t understand a lot of words, which in my opinion is weird, but that’s how many teens seem to be nowadays, though Zofijka is maybe just a bit too young because she’s actually 11. And what’s very characteristic to this series is that there is a lot of focus on family life. In the central place we have the Borejko family, living in Poznań, and then all their friends and further relatives, so quite a lot of families we can come across. Each book in the series is particularly dedicated to one of the characters (preferably a teenage girl or a young woman, though not always), so we can have a deeper insight into a particular heroine’s family. That being said, I have lots of interesting, loving and cool families to choose from in my favourite series. But I’ll go with the Borejko family, I’d love to be the fifth of the Borejko daughters (there are four), or I could replace Natalia, with whom I strongly identify. This is such a great family and I already feel like a part of it. And OMG I’d love for Mila Borejko to be my Mum, or even just anyone whom I’d know in real life, she has very many traits that I have, so I can understand her and identify with her, but she also has a lot of ones that I don’t have and which I always admire in people and respect them for.And boy wouldn’t it be cool to  have four sisters? Or even just three, if I’d be Natalia? 😀 One of my other favourite families is the Żak family, they’re so funny and witty and always make me laugh when I read the book that is particularly about them, but I am not sure whether I’d actually fit in there, I feel like the Borejko family are a bit more of my kind of people.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week?  Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, a lot of progress in my languages, particularly Welsh, but also English, writing, blogging. Starting therapy with the new therapist, whatever will come out of it, our first session was pretty good. Getting rid of the anxiety after the nightmares I had a few weeks ago and the anxiety afterwards was hard to overcome fully, it would come back happily in the evenings and at night and I hated it, and now it seems to be gone, I hope I’m not jinxing it.

 

MY SIGHTED GUIDE FOR BLIND INTERACTIONS

A fantastic post from Anel, and so very relatable for me and I think any other blind person. How great it would be if all the sighted people would read it…

Sightlessmusings.wordpress.com

In the greater scheme of things, I am a “roll with the punches” kind of person and you really have to go the extra mile to seriously rain on my parade… I am used to life not going as planned… Let’s face it, who really factored blindness into the equation when plotting the course of their lives? So when it comes to ignorance, stereotyping, insensitive comments and being treated like I have a contagious disease, I am able to shrug it off without too much of a fuss. People are who they are and it will take more than one blind girl asking for change to actually get them to see the light.

However, in both the sighted and blind communities, there are things that drive me insane and make me wonder whether I have ever really been comfortable with the “smile and wave” approach, or do I just convince…

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Hannah Grace – “Oh River”.

Hi people! 🙂

I realised that I’ve been showing you loads and loads of great Welsh-language music since this blog started to exist, for quite a few reasons, of which you probably are more or less aware if you’re here with me for a while, and it’s great, because there’s even more great Welsh-language music, the stuff that I know and that I haven’t yet discovered, but at the same time I realised that in comparison to how much Welsh-language music I’ve shared with you, I’ve shared just only a very small amount of Welsh music in English. Probably because I myself don’t listen to it as often as I do to Welsh-language stuff, I don’t know about very many Welsh artists that make their music solely in English and that I would like, there are just a couple.

So here’s the song for today, from Hannah Grace, who is originally from Bridgend. I think she has a really powerful vice, and this single is just beautiful.

She sings it so well and it has very interesting harmonies, but also the lyrics are no less powerful and make you think. I love this piece for all this and I hope you will too.

Feeling like a lonely leaf…

Hhrrru?

It’s Misha Pisha. How are you doing pets and peeps? Hope everyone is feeling good.

I’ve slept through all the day yesterday, and most of today. Mum and Mila went out somewhere earlier today, and I was at home only with Olek, but he was in his room watching TV and didn’t care about me at all, he never does. And I was feeling lonely. Lonely as a leaf. I always say I’m lonely as a leaf when I feel lonely. And then Zofijka laughs and says leaves aren’t lonely because they’re together on a branch, or when they fall they are in a pile. But sometimes tey are lonely. Sometimes when it’s autumn one leaf is left on the branch while all the other have just fallen. And I bet he’s feeling lonely and cold without other leaves to keep him company. And even if there are no leaves on a tree, they aren’t always all in the pile. Sometimes it’s windy and the wind can blow one leaf away from the rest and leave him some place when he’s alone. Or with other pile of leaves that he doesn’t know, but that’s another story, luckily I didn’t have to ever change my pile of leaves, well, only once, when I was very small and was taken away from my cat Mummy, but I don’t remember it almost at all now. But I sometimes have those days when I feel lonely as a leaf. Even if people say my comparison is stupid, I don’t think it is. Do you know what idiom is there in the Polish language to say someone is lonely? Lonely as a finger! Does that make sense? No! Neither for peeps, nor even for cats! So why can’t I feel lonely as a leaf, if someone might feel lonely as a finger?!

For those of you who don’t read my Mishposts from the beginning of this blog, you probably are confused as for how can I talk to people and you probably think I’m just making it up. I’m not. Or, well, just kind of… We have a game with Mila and Zofijka, that I can talk. Mila made it up and Zofijka seems to believe that I can really talk even though she’s 11 already. But I think she wants to believe in it. I just need to connect to someone’s brain with mine, and I just talk via this person, and it works a bit like a phone connection, we can connect and disconnect whenever we want and I just talk. Usually I connect to Mila because it is usually Zofijka who wants to talk to me, or we three talk together sometimes, so, ya know, she doesn’t want to seem that she is talking to herself, she doesn’t want to seem crazy, and she says that when I am connected to her I’m talking bullshit. They both like to talk to me though, particularly in the evenings.

Anyway, I felt lonely as a leaf so I was hanging around the house on my own and crying. But no one even heard me so then I went upstairs and to Mum’s wardrobe and lied there and fell asleep for a while, and I dreamt about leaves being blown away each in different direction and not being able to find each other and I was also a flying leaf in this dream. Finally though I heard some bustle downstairs so it meant they’re back. Mum found me soon and I had lunch and then went upstairs to Mila’s room and we were snuggling and I got a lot of snacks and was purring. Then I climbed up on the wardrobe in her room and slept there for a while and I think I’ll go back there after I write this.

Sleepy Mishpurrs from

Misha


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Gwilym – Cysgod (Shadow).

Hi guys. 🙂

Sme time ago I’ve showed you a few songs from the Welsh-language band called Gwilym. Well actually those were all of their songs as they’re quite a new band. But, as they are showing, a very dynamic one, because all the time there’s something new from them, and they get a lot of attention on the Welsh language music scene. So far, I like all their songs, so I follow all the new stuff they’re doing.

And here’s a brand new song from them, I really like it, and I hope you will too. 🙂

Another round of This Or That, still with girl names.

OK, so because as I mentioned today, we have a holiday in Poland, let’s have some fun with the new round of this or that I’ve just made up, as always, if you’re willing to participate, just leave me your choices in the comments, and feel free to add your opinions on names if you feel like it, you can also make a response to this post on your own blog if you wish so, and you’ll find my answers and opinions after the list of names.

Ailbhe or Alleyne?

Aine or Aoife?

Alva or Ava?

Amie or Jami?

Ann or Anne?

Beth or Bobbi?

Camille or Catharine? Catherine or Christina?

Cathy or Christie?

Chantal or Shantel?

Chelsea or Amelia?

Christel or Evelyn?

Dagny or Dagmar?

Elaine or Elsie?

Eva or Edna?

Hannah or Harper?

Hattie or Nettie?

Heather or Holly?

Helene or Elvira?

Hilde or Hilma?

Hildur or Hermine?

Hope or Honey?

Ingrid or Sigrid? Lleucu or Leeah?

Marte or Milzie?

Molly or Kelly?

Nia or Nyah?

Sally or Polly?

Tiana or Tiara?

My choices:

Ailbhe or Alleyne?

Ailbhe. It’s pronounced like Alva. It’s certainly ot one of my favourite Irish names, but I just prefer it over Alleyne, as for Alleyne I actually think it’s pretty masculine-sounding.

Aine or Aoife?

Aoife.

Alva or Ava?

Alva, not a fan of either but I really dislike Ava.

Amie or Jami?

Both are cute, but I like Jamie for both genders, and the spelling Jami is nice too for a girl. Ann or Anne?

Anne sounds moe elegant and complete.

Beth or Bobbi?

Beth, Bobi was my dog’s name, I don’t think about it as a serious name for a child, or maybe it can be OK for a child, but not so much for an adult person in all kinds of circumstances and life situations.

Camille or Catharine?

I love love love Camille.

Catherine or Christina?

Catherine.

Cathy or Christie?

Cathy, though both are nice as nicknames.

Chantal or Shantel?

Shantel, but not very enthusiastically.
Chelsea or Amelia?

Um, both are lovely but also have their downsides to me… I guess Amelia, it’s more classy.

Christel or Evelyn?

I love both, but Evelyn much more.

Dagny or Dagmar?

Dagmar, but not a big fan of either.

Elaine or Elsie?

Elaine, because of Celtic and Arthurian connotations, though ELsie’s cute.

Eva or Edna?

Uh, I guess Edna, but I dislike both.
Hannah or Harper?

Harper, because of the harp.

Hattie or Nettie?

Both are cute, but I much prefer Hattie.

Heather or Holly?

Holly.

Helene or Elvira?

I guess Helene, but I love both so it’s a hard choice.

Hilde or Hilma?

Hilma. That Finnish charm.

Hildur or Hermine?

I love Hermine. Would prefer Herminia, but Hermine’s awesome too.

Hope or Honey?

Hope.
Ingrid or Sigrid?
Hm, I can’t say I love them, but I like them both a lot because of lots of great Nordic associations, and they’re certainly beautiful. I guess I like Sigrid slightly more. Lleucu or Leeah?

Lleucu, yeah, I know it’s tricky, it’s a Welsh name, the ll at the beginning is a bit lispy, it sounds a bit like hl, or at least that’s how it’s usually described phonetically in English. And u sounds similarly to ee, so it’s like HLAY-kee, but it’s a very rough description, you’d just have to hear it. As for Leeah, I am not a big fan of Leah (with one e), with two ee’s it looks kinda more whimsical to me, even though I’m generally not a fun of such spelling creativity, so I like Leeah a bit more than Leah, but still, Lleucu’s better. Oh and I forgot to add that Lleucu is a form of Lucy. Doesn’t look (and definitely doesn’t sound) like Lucy, does it?

Marte or Milzie?

I must admit I haven’t heard of Milzie at all before preparing this list, I was using a few different list as an inspiration and got the names of very different places. I couldn’t find where it derives from, but I just love it. I certainly wouldn’t use it for a child in any circumstances, but it is such a playful nickname, and from now on, definitely a guilty pleasure name of mine. I like to think about it as a fanciful nickname for Melissa or names like Amelia, Camilla, Emily, Matilda, or Emilia. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind to be called Milzie at times hahaha. Marte is very dynamic, youthful and energetic and ages well, but also suits a little girl, but it’s not much my style.

Molly or Kelly?

I love Kelly.

Nia or Nyah?

For those of you who are confused, Nia is pronounced NEE-ah. I prefer Nia. A lot.

Sally or Polly?

I guess Sally, but both are nice and vintage.

Tiana or Tiara?

Neither is my style, I guess Tiana’s a bit more usable. Tiara sounds actually very weird for me as a name. Which of these would you choose? 🙂


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Music Monday Care & Love – Elaine Mai – Enniscrone.

Hi lovely people. 🙂

A bit late this week, I’m taking part in Bee’s

Music Monday Care & Love.

As a self care suggestion, this week Bee invites us to start a journal, or generally focus on journaling, which I find awesome, because I find writing a fabulous way of caring for myself.

I’ve been writing my diary for years and years, in very different formats, depending on circumstances. Right now I’m having a big folder with a collection of files written in Word, and that’s my diary at the moment. Also I tend to write some journaling posts on my blog which I also love and find very helpful, and I am so happy I have this blog.

If you’re interested in journaling, or plan to start your own journal and need some suggestions, I greatly recommend Bee’s post to you, it’s great and it shows that writing yourself out is really a good and beneficial self care idea.

What I found quite inspiring of what Bee wrote about, are Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages. While it isn’t manageable for me to write my journal by hand obviously, I find the idea of stream of consciousness writing very good and helpful, and I think I’ll incorporate it into my writing, because so far, although I am pretty spontaneus in writing, I’ve always tended to filter my thoughts more or less. I think if I started to use stream of consciousness writing, it’d help me more to clear my mind of things easier. It sounds a bit hard to achieve to do journaling as a first thing in the morning, I don’t think I’d be ever able to do it, firstly because morning is part of the day when I’m most busy and secondly because I just find writing in the evening more suitable for me, and I am a night owl, so writing 3-4 pages is not an issue for me in the evening, while it can be in the morning sometimes.

So I’m gonna go deeper into journaling this week, focus at it more. I’ve ben planning since quite a while to start some new sections in it, so that it looks more journal-like, and not too chaotic, and so I think this week is the best time for it. And I’m going to try how the stream of consciousness writing will go, I’m very curious.

I’m really looking forward to all that, because I love writing, and I hope that this week I’ll be able to make my journaling even better, even though I think I can already now be proud of my diary, my consistency with it, and my writing.

As for the music, the Bee suggests that we share a song that describes our lives.

Now there are so many songs I can relate to, more, or less, or a lot. But it was hard for me to come up with something that would describe my life as a whole. The song that describes a huge part of my life is “Evacuee” by Enya, but, first, I shared it at the very beginnings of my blog so I don’t want to be boring and repetitive while there is so much other music out there to explore, and second, that was mostly a negative experience (even if the song is utterly beautiful) and why focus only on negatives.

Instead, I decided to perhaps go on an easy way a bit, and use the song I’ve planned earlier to share with you today. Or actually, it is a track. So there are no lyrics, but I still feel that in a way it does describe my life. A tiny little part of it – this day. When I was at school, I used to have music therapy, where we often interpreted various pieces of music in lots of interesting ways, for example, to what kind of activity they are most suitable, in what surroundings they would sound the best, what is the sort of “personality” of a certain song, etc. etc. etc. The song which I want to show you today was released a couple of years ago, and in Autumn, but if I had to interpret it and say what it fits, I’d say for me it is filled with summer chill and serenity, and is so pleasantly hazy. And my day today feels just like it. It’s a holiday in Poland today, we’re having a barbecue in a couple minutes, just the five of us, so chances are it could be fun, we’re all home and are chilled out, and I feel pretty stable overall. The only thing that doesn’t fit in is the rain, this song definitely sounds like a sunny day.

But anyway, I think it’s very nice, and that’s what counts, I think. 😀

It is a track from Elaine Mai, who is a Dublin-based electro musician. I’ve heard this song in an Irish-language radio station for the first time, and I liked it a lot, and then I saw it i my Spotify, and I think it really knows what I like, even though my tastes are so eclectic and picky at the same time.

The title of the track is “Enniscrone”. It didn’t ring a bell in my mind, I couldn’t figure out what could it be, so I asked my good and wise friend Google if he maybe knows what it means, and he did. Apparently Enniscrone is a seaside town in country Sligo in Ireland. With sandy beaches and such. So another thing to the picture of a chillaxed, holiday afternoon – the seaside. 😀 Makes for a very chill combo in my opinion.

OK, so there you have it. And as always, I strongly recommend Music Monday Care & Love for you to take part in, it’s great, music and self care is a great combination and can really make you feel better if you start your week with it, or even if you jump in in the middle of it as I did, music and self care are always good things, if used in appropriate amounts.

Share Your World.

Share Your World At Cee’s.

 

Again, this week, after a bit of a break, I’m participating in Share Your World.

 

A class you wish you would have taken?

I wish I could take classes from all my languages. I don’t mean at college or anything, just some sort of good courses, that could be relevant to me and accessible to me as a blind person, whether online or somewhere in my area, I don’t care if individual or in a group. I am mentioning this because as much as it isn’t particularly difficult to find an accesible course online in such languages like English, Swedish, Dutch, or even Finnish if you’ll try a bit more, with the rest of my favourites you have to really try hard, be patient and inquiring, and very determined, to actually find something. I find it an absolute miracle that I’ve found that Welsh course I’m doing right now, that it is so accessible, simple and effective and with such a supportive community, and moreover, that the same people also created courses in Cornish, Manx and Dutch, so that I don’t have to look for another place, also I’ve had great friends from Wales outside from that community who helped me a lot particularly at the very beginnings. But if you think of another favourite languages of mine, like Faroese, Sami, or Frisian, or Scottish Gaelic, or Scots or Shetlandic, or Irish… uhhhh things get tougher. The consolation may be that many of the languages I love are more or less related, so maybe it won’t all be that scary, I wouldn’t like to give up just because something isn’t accessible online. So yeah, I just try to not think about that right now, maybe until I’ll start to learn them I’ll find some good place for myself, or someone eager to help with those extremely rare, extincting languages. But other than languages, I’d love to learn about Celtic and Nordic cultures, and I’d love to take classes in playing Celtic harp. And if I were sighted, I’d want to be a neurosurgeon, so anything on that topic too.

Are you scared of heights?

Yes. I used to be very very very like VERY scared of heights, now it lessened kinda on its own so it’s easier, but I still am.

Are you a good cook? If so, do you consider yourself a chef?

Absolutely not. My cooking always ends up with a catastrophe. You rather don’t trust me with it. Last time I tried to magnanimously help my Mum make a big family dinner earlier this year, I ended up with two fingers bleeding quite massively, I mean maybe not really bad, but bad enough that you wouldn’t think I’ve just grated them accidentally instead of vegs. I have a rich history of similar and worse cases from the times when I was at the boarding school.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week?  Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, writing, blogging, progress in my languages. Good session with the therapist, and that we got along and have similar opinions on me changing therapists. That I translated my previous music crush’s another poem, I’m still over the moon about that. That I had a beautiful dream the other night involving my current music crush. (God, my crushes, what I’d be without them) That we had a cool day on the beach with Mum and Zofijka. And that I’m doing fairly well emotionally and that my anxiety has lessened a bit more since that dreadful nightmare I had.

 

Friendly Fill-ins.

I’m participating in Friendly Fill-ins, hosted by

15 And Meowing

and

Four-Legged Furballs.

Here are the fill-ins:

1. I have faith in ________________ God.
2. Yesterday, I ____________________ had a long, warm bath with jasmine oil. I haven’t had one in ages, I try to avoid baths because of my skin which decided to suddenly become hypersensitive to almost everything last winter and is always very dry and itchy after too much water. But this time everything is OK and that’s great.
3. My favorite place to be is _________ my room.
4. If I was granted one wish, it would be _________ for Misha to be happy every second in his entire life.

 

Ida Maria – Fy Faen (Oh Shit).

Hi guys. 🙂

TOday I have a song for you sung by a fellow synaesthete. Ida Maria sees music in colours, or so says English Wikipedia, and one of the interviews with her. I think that’s pretty cool. Ida Maria is from Norway, she actually makes kinda punk music, but this song is a bit different. It is a cover of a song made by Hkeem, it’s title is “Fy Faen”, which you can translate as oh shit or oh damn, damn it, oh hell, anythig you fancy, faen is quite a flexible word I believe. The Scandinavian have a lot of hell-related words and this is one of them, I don’t know actually whether faen means devil or hell, but something like this. I’ve found the lyrics to this song, so I post them below.

   Because we live to die
Until we melt away like snow
And they are looking for mistakes
But I flip my fingers
To make my way
When everybody asks you to stop
Forget it and focus and work
Because jealousy, it burns
Though many bridges gotta burn
So not all are friends
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
They are all snakes, so it is totally normal
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
Nobody here has time for an unsuccessful day
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
These days everybody is giving me headache
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
This is the message through my song
This is the message through my song
This is the message through my song
Some talk a lot
A lot behind my back
Talk a lot on the phone
Still on it and they squander their life
A change has to happen
Know it’s a cliché
This is not a movie
So sit down and listen while I do my thing
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
Many of my boys have started to hustle these days
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
Snakes come and go like a boomerang
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
Gonna show everyone, because I have a plan
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
This is the message through my song
This is the message through my song
This is the message through my song
I will show my enemies
While they’re partying and drinking hennessy
I have only day ones, no frenemies
Working 24/7, you know we’re balling
Making the music they play when we score
Gonna shoot the golden bird, you know it’s over
Too slow out, know that you sleep
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
Many of my boys have started to hustle these days
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
Nobody here has time for an unsuccessful day
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
Gonna show everyone, because I have a plan
Oh shit, oh, oh shit
This is the message through my song
This is the message through my song
This is the message through my song

And yet another sleepy week.

Hhrrru?

How are you all pets and peeps doing? It’s Misha, in case you forgot what’s my name, it’s very difficult after all. I find my memory very short now in this heat. I can’t even remember my dreams… Or maybe I don’t have any… ‘Cause other than dreams there isn’t much to remember if I’m honest. I’ve been mostly sleeping lately, or eating, or drinking, yeah I’m drinking quite a lot. Zofijka came back on Tuesday, that was some change, I at least motivated myself to play with her for a while but then I got back to sleep. I’m a bit worried my peeps are doing it on purpose. Heating up the house so much, so that it makes me sleepy, or maybe they give me some sleeping pills in my food, so that I am calm and don’t wanna go out? DO you think it’s possible? I think it is, they like it when I sleep. But I don’t let them to be satisfied, I have my own views on things too! I know that they like when I sleep because then they can cuddle me or do whatever they want with me. So I always go away from them so that they can’t see me. I climb up somewhere high, or lie in a wardrobe, or something like this, and no one knows where I am. So at least I have some peace of mind. Today in the morning, when I woke up from my night sleep and went downstairs to eat something, Zofijka asked me if I wanted a brother or a sister and which I’d like more. I told her I’d rather want a brother, but a sister could be nice too, if she’d like to play with me and do what I wanted her to. Zofijka says she will get a dog. That would be fabulous for me, if he/she lived in the house with me, but it probably wouldn’t be so. And besides, Zofijka just says what she wants to be true, I already know this. She’s always wanted to have a dog, a girl, with whom she could play and go for walks and such. But Mum sometimes says she wants a dog too, and then she says she doesn’t, and then she says she wants another cat, and then that she hates even me and she’s fed up with me. So I think it would be silly to listen to the peeps, they never know what they want. Mum is sick, she’s having something with her ears, and when I’m not asleep she’s constantly mad at me, well not at me, at her ears, but she thinks it’s me. But I’m not mad at her, I don’t care, it’s even a bit funny. Why do they think I’d care about their mod or what they think about me? Weird, really.

OK, off to sleep again, I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. Sleep well pets and peeps.

Mishpurrs.

Misha


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A little update.

How is everyone doing? 🙂

As for me, it’s just OK, better or worse depending on an area. I told you before that my anxiety has lessened, that anxiety flare up I got after those scary dreams, and it’s true, it’s much better now, I felt like I’m going to get rid of it very soon, but it’ still is somewhere, kinda fluctuating and sometimes getting really nasty during night time. I mean it’s always somewhere in the background but doesn’t affect me that much usually on a daily basis as it does lately, and it doesn’t usually last so long with such intensity, after I got sleep paralysis and those nightmares previously I was usually able to recover pretty quickly. But at least, although slower than usual, it’s going better, so I really really hope I’m going to recover of it soon and function normally, because it is a bit concerning to me. And I still can remember the dreams I had that last time clearly, which doesn’t make it any better. Usually they’d fade away with time and I wouldn’t remember them in details, but now I do remember those I had last time. It scares the shit out of me if I’m honest. If it’s going to be this way next time I’m seriously gonna try some antidepressant, even if it doesn’t help everyone, but maybe will help me. If it’s going to be that intense in the future I’m not sure I can cope just on my own.

But other than the anxiety, I had a pretty good day today. Dad is at work (which I’m secretly very glad about, he has a very irregular work schedule and now he had a bit less than a week off work, and I think all of us, except for Zofijka, who was away on holidays, got tired of his constant nagging, complaining and arguing, and provoking others, he’s a good guy and I love him, but he can be really annoying), so Mum and Zofijka and me went to the beach today. We had fun. It’s roasting today so that’s I guess what most people here was doing today, there were quite a lot of people on the beach. We were playing in the water with Sofi, she was swimming – she is such an awesome swimmer! – we all laughed a lot. Only my Mum didn’t have as much fun as she could have because she’s still having that weird ear infection, now in both ears, which is very painful and not only her ears but also head and jaw are throbbing. So she was in pain and couldn’t go into the water, and had to be away from the wind, but at the same time not in the sun, because she’d be all roasted, which was hard to achieve, as it was rather windy by the sea today. But me and Sofi were almost constantly in the water, even though I can’t swim that well, and certainly not as well as she can, but that was still very cool. As we were going to head home, there came a family with four kids, three girls and a boy, the latter was particularly screamy and attention-seeking. He constantly shouted to his mum from the water, repeating one thing ALL the time, like every five seconds, so that it started to be annoying. Occasionally he screamed something to his sisters, so we quickly got to know that their names are pretty peculiar, or maybe not peculiar themselves, but as a sibset. Ela, Ola and Ula… Doesn’t sound cool? 😀 If Mum (or brother) is calling them from somewhere further, I’m sure they have to be confused which one they’re actually calling. Of course I found it very interesting and amusing. Then when we finally went home, they left too, and as there was a bit of a distance from the beach to the parking, we were going close enough to each other to hear what each other were saying. And this little boy was talking all the time, this time something else, while his poor mum was pretending to be deaf, in hopes he’ll feel bored soon. I started to wonder whether his name isn’t Oli, as it would match the girls perfectly, and whether too matchy names of siblings can have any influence on their behaviour. 😀 Then we finally headed to the parking and I went to my car seat. Unluckily, our cars, ours and that matchy family’s, were very close and I didn’t estimate the distance properly, and when I was opening the door, with a little bit too much dash, I accidentally hit them, I mean their car obviously. Not too much but still. I said to the mum that I’m very sorry, but I guess her nerves were way too tense already. “What do you think beep beep beep can’t you see?!!!”. “You guessed it I can’t”. “Uh… emmm… I’m sorry… I… didn’t know…” at the same time the boy ran away wanting to show something to Ula, so his poor mum could have an excuse to be occupied with something else. I don’t think she needed one, for me the topic was finished, but it was clear she was very embarrassed. So she shouted at him, and guess what… “Ooooooliiiiiiivieeeeer, come back! We’re going hoooome!”. Me and Zofijka, we were laughing like crazy. OMG he’s really an Oli! Lucky for him, it’s not his full name, as I was concerned it could be. Zofijka asked me how I guessed it… I wonder too… I certainly wouldn’t think it could be his name for sure, I was just joking! And as for the seeing or not seeing, it was embarrassing indeed, I mean the accident, until it started to be ridiculous for me, and then I actually realised it’s a compliment for me, that she asks whether I can see or not. My Mum says that when people see me, it’s clear to them that I can’t… So I was quite surprised.

I had therapy yesterday and I talked to my therapist about the concerns I had regarding therapy about which I wrote in last coffee share post, that I am not making much progress since we started or actually maybe even before, back when I’ve had only phone checkins with my previous therapist, in some areas I actually feel like I regressed a bit if I’m honest, like with the severity of my anxiety for example, I feel like I’m back at the same point at where I started years ago. Sure there were many difficult situations for me this year, but still, I feel quite concerned with it. I also told her that I wonder whether now as I am in a more stable situation and can focus directly on some healing more, whether indeed CBT is something for me. Because I have an inkling I should do more with the past stuff, since it’s clearly where all or most of my brain shit comes from, directly or not. I told her that I am not sure about it but that if she shares my feelings I’d be willing to try something new, like psychodynamic maybe, or gestalt, as I feel the latter could help me with my insecurities and stuff. I asked her if she had the same feelings and she told me she doesn’t know where I was before, but as long as we are working together, which will be 3 months later in August, she can’t say I did any big progress. She told me that for her it seems that I have lots of emotional blockades, mostly unconscious, and maybe indeed psychodynamic therapy or something similar would be worth a try with this, though she admitted she never actually thought about it before, she only thought that I may benefit from some longer lasting therapy as there seems to be a lot to do. On the other hand, she said, that my own way of looking at my achievements and failures is often somewhat disordered because of my self-esteem and such, so I may not be objective here, and I agreed, I don’t think I can be objective either, even though despite having AVPD and all that I don’t feel like I’m a perfectionist and want to achieve too much. She told me that if I have such feelings, then I should listen to my gut, first and foremost, and if I’d later realise it’s not for me, like that it doesn’t make it any better that I know the root causes of some things, or if it would feel too overwhelming, I can come back to her and she’d be happy to work with me again, because she is sure that in the right conditions I am able to heal. Overall it was a good conversation. We will be staying in touch now and I’ll let her know when I’ll find someone possibly nearby who would be willing to work with me – I hope I’m not going to go through what it was with language teachers, who were running away screaming one after another scared of the fact that I’m blind before even meeting me. I’ve actually found a psychodynamic therapist who is pretty close to where I live, I emailed her today, and I hope she;ll get back to me. What may be an issue is that I probably won’t get funding for it, as I did for therapy with the therapist I’m working with now, but well if it’s going to help me then I think it’s worth it, even if I’m going to spare all my savings for the future –
which by the way I don’t think would provide me financial security for too long if I was to live on my own.

I also talked to my Mum, and that didn’t go so smoothly. We have significant issues with communication when it comes to talking about this kinda stuff, like my mental issues and all the related shit. I think in a way she doesn’t understand it, why I’ve been reacting to things the way I’ve been (which I don’t fully understand myself either), and partly she blames herself for some things that happened to me or some things she didn’t do for me or didn’t notice. Well I don’t see any blame on her side and never blamed her, even though was angry a lot at her, but I know it well myself it’s hard to just tell someone it’s not their fault, unfortunately it’s way more complicated than that usually, even if someone is as mentally healthy as my Mum, I guess. Then on the other hand I am frustrated that she doesn’t understand me, and I blame myself that I am so squeamish, and generally my communication with people is NUTS, and so it goes around, despite best intentions of us both. Sucks.

So I’ d rather spare you the details of our lovely conversation, no, it wasn’t furious or anything, just frustrating and quite icky. But overall she agreed that I need to do something with myself and be functional again (as if I ever was!!!) and if I feel like this therapy isn’t working that much, I should try something different.

Yeeah poor my Mum, I feel so sorry for her, although I probably should feel sorry for myself. 😀

I haven’t seen Misha AT ALL today. I mean, OK, I did see him, when he was eating, and then I saw him close to my room, as if he hesitated whether to come in, seems like he decided not to, but he always hesitates for ages before doing something. And that was all. I haven’t snugled him or talked to him or anything, and I quite miss him, but I looked for him around the house and couldn’t find him and no one knows where he is. I’m not worried, he surely sleeps somewhere possibly cool, but it’s a bit sad here without my little mishievous kid.

Oh, and particularly for those who haven’t checked my yesterday song of the day post and don’t know, yesterday I had a big holiday. It was my previous music crush’s Cornelis Vreeswijk’s 81st birthday, or it would be if he lived, anyway, when there are my crushes’ days, something relating to them particularly, I either get a major crush peak and am over the moon for quite a while, or if it’s one of the previous crushes then it is sorta more present in my life, like more activated for a while again. So yesterday I was translating Vreeswijk’s poems again, to celebrate the holiday somehow, completely absorbed by my vreeswijkosis and mumbling to myself in Swedish for an entire day. And yaaaaayyyyy!!! I managed, with a lot of hardship, but at least as much of enjoyment, to finish my translation of “Den Blåa Drömmen” (The Blue Dream). It helped me a lot with the anxiety to immerse in something so fully, which rarely happes to me, and yeah it felt so so brilliant. It looks so well. I am curious what my friend Jacek – the one who died because of osteosarcoma and who was writing the book about vikings – would say about that. He was always so agitated seeing my translations, he wanted to see even tiny little bits of them, even the worse ones, because he was always so curious. I am so proud of my translation, wonder how long it will last until I will start to see any errors in it haha. I mean, I started it years and years ago, but was stuck and not able to finish, and there were glaring errors, so glaring that if Cornelis knew Polish and was still alive, and read my scribbles, it’d surely kill him. Now I just polished it and after reading and rereading and rereading more the original version, thinking and thinking and making my brain boil, I finally came up with a decent, rhythmically compatible end for the verse I’ve started, and then wrote the last. I just thought I’d sit at it until I’ll come up with something, after all it’s not that difficult, it can’t be, it’s just a little folkloristic piece, almost a childish one, very sweet and almost naive and pretty short as well, certainly not one of the greatest by Vreeswijk, if I can’t manage with something like this, than how can I do anything more ambitious? Yes, with my languages, I am a perfectionist. And that is the only area. I showed it to my Mum and Zofijka came in as I read it and she was like: “Wow, did you write it?” haahahahahahahahahaha it was brilliant. 😀 Me, lol. Couldn’t stop laughing for quite a while.

OK, so I guess I’ll be finishing, as it’s definitely no longer little I guess, even as for my writing standards.

Sleep well, or have a great day, and I hope you’re OK. 🙂 Misha just came in so I’m also sending Mishpurrs and Mishcuddles.


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus