Still without my laptop.

Hi guys! 🙂
So yeah it’s just as in the title, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it fixed very soon. It looks like it’s more an issue with the sound in general than with the screen-reader, and yesterday I called the IT specialist to ask him to look at it again, and I told him roughly what’s going on. He said he can’t come earlier than tomorrow 6 PM but even he agreed with me that it looks pretty bizarre, so I don’t expect it to be fixed right away as neither me nor him have any idea about what’s causing it at the moment.
So as you can imagine I’m pretty bored already, though luckily I have tons of books and still have some of my music, a lot of music actually, but not my entire collection, on my PlexTalk, and of course what’s the most important I have Misha, who really helps me when he’s around because mentallyI feel rather crappy, havinglots of memories and weird dreams because of September coming very soon and in this situation I’m in now it’s hard to distract, plus feeling ratherisolated doesn’t help even though in most cases I find my own company to be just enough.
Our two little cousins are here with Zofijka and Mum’s going with them to the amusement park soon. Yuck! Anyone else hating amusement parks? I hate them fiercely, probably just because of my screwed k_p labyrinthum and that I was forced to go there at school at some special occasionsbecause it’s “fun”. 😀 Though I am happy they’re having fun, Zofijka loves amusement parks and she doesn’t seem to be as lucky as I was and it’s rare for her to be able to goto them often.
Misha wants to say he had a breathtaking adventure yesterday, being able to hang out with the magpies through the window. Mum says he’s poor, because they clearly laughed at him and looked like they screamed at him to go away, but he doesn’t think he’s poor, he wasn’t afraid of them and didn’t care about them making fun of him, he was happy to have some other beings than humansto interact with, and seemed very agitated because of that, but s also very brave and courageous, and if you openedthewindow,I’m really not sure whether it would be Misha who’d run away first. He still seems to be a little agitated and often looks at the window as if he wanted them to come back.
Yesterday I finally got my packet of treats from that online shop I told you about in the last Music Monday Care & Love. I waited for it about a week so much longer than the last time I was buying snacks and sweets at their shop, but never mind. The Jalapeno Pepper Jack Lay’s are way too addictive, yesterday just me and Zofijka, with a really little help from our cousins, ate one pack of them. That led us tothe conclusion that if we livedin the US we’d eat “the Jack chips” for every meal. 😀 Don’t think I’d really want it and I wouldn’t like to see how fat we’d be then, but hey, everyone can dream and not have to fear it may ever come true, right? 😀
And on Sunday we all also had lots of delicious food, way more healthy. We went to the pizzeria nearby, it’s a pizzeria but you can eat much more there than just pizzas and related stuff, it’s pretty much like a restaurant and we really like it. And we had a big dinner, or actually a lunch, as it was rather early. I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I had very low BP and feeling a bit rubbish and I thought I’m anything but hungry, but finally I went too and I suddenly s very very hungry so that I even helped my Mum with her food, although I oftenstruggle to eat all of mine as they make really big dishes. We were all glad overall.
I’m sorryI haven’t been reading much of your blogs lately, that sucks, and I don’tknow whether I’ll be catchingup on absolutely everything when I get my computer fixed as it’ll probably be a whole lot of posts, but I don’thave the access to my email from Braille-Sense, so I can’t be up to date with all of your blogs, but I hope I’ll be soon. 🙂
OK so that’d be all from me, hope you’re having a goodweek and more productive than mine haha.

A short announcement.

Hey guys! 🙂
I’m sorry if this post looks weird like has odd typos or is not formatted as it should or whatever – blame my trashy, 11-year-old Braille-Sense, not me! 😀 Though I hope it’ll look just fine, and I guess I shouldn’t complain about my Braille-Sense because it’s the only thing I’m left with now.
I’m popping in for a while just to tell you I screwed my computer, then the IT specialist came and saved me – and screwed my screen-reader, or the sound, or whatever, I dunno! whatever it was, it’s screwed up now, and I am a nervous wreck because I don’t know what to do! no one knows what to do and it looks very bizarre if I’m honest, but if oh well isn’t pretty much everything that happensto me more or less bizarre?
Due to this, I have no fricken idea when things will change, what I know though is that until things won’t change, my activity online(if any)will be severely limited. I am actually pretty surprised that my Braille-Sense is still brainy enough to get along with WordPress.
I can’t do much on it though, as the Web browser in it is really very simple and outdated, plus it’s not very comfortable to write lengthy posts on it because it freezes easily and the keyboard is slowly falling apart. Sheesh I can’t wait to get funding for a new one.
So as you see, until I’ll get back my laptop working, thisblog probably won’t be very active,I might only post small updates or (perhaps) question of the day posts, though with the latter it would be rather hard because I’ve planned some questions about music and I can’t add links to posts from here. And I will do my best to answer any comments, but that’s it for now. I’m happy though that I can post at least something from here, that changes things a bit.
So pleeease keep your fingers crossed, send prayers and positive thoughts my and my computer’s way, cus it’s awfully important for me to get it back, as you know I’m pretty much non functional, dependent and isolated without it in my daily life, and writing myself out is as essential for my wellbeing as food.
Have a nice rest of the weekend. 🙂
PS: Misha is very disappointed he couldn’t write his post yesterday so he sends Mishhugs and Mishpurrs to anyone who may need them and wants to say he tried to escape through the roof once again yesterday, but now promises to berave better. 😉

Question of the day.

Hi guys. 🙂

Here’s the last question from our little series about various people we know, and it’s inspired by the thread on Behind The Name message board. It’s to do strictly with names, and I realise not everyone has their own list of favourite names, the more other people to talk with them about it, but still I don’t think that the topic of names isn’t so very uncommon even for those who aren’t name geeks, so I decided to ask this question. So here it is, and my answer to it.

Have you ever known anyone who hates your very favourite names?

My answer:

Yeah, my Mum. I don’t know why actually, because pretty often we seem to have a bit similar styles in many things, but definitely not in names. We both like traditional names, but I also like some very original names and a lot of names from other cultures, and even the traditional Polish names which we like or some vintage ones are different in their feel. Sheesh, she even hates the name Jacek, despite it’s her husband’s name. I don’t think I could live for 20-ish years with someone whose name I’d hate. He’d have to be really really perfect in all other regards. And by the way, I think if I’d have a husband, and wanted to have kids, I’d also have to look for someone with the exact same taste with names as mine, or not colliding too much with mine haha. I can be a very conciliatory person usually, but I just can’t imagine naming my child a name I really dislike – even for a middle name – just because my husband likes it, and so many mums I know seem to do it. My Mum says my name tastes are to quirky and sophisticated for her. Whereas I can agree for sophisticated somewhat, because I like a lot of quite classy names, particularly for girls, but for boys too, I don’t think my tastes in names are really very quirky. Like I am quirky, and many things I like are quirky, but not necessarily names, I don’t like too much originality with them. Just a bit is OK. Also there are lots of name lovers I know, and I know quite a few whose tastes seem to be definitely different than mine.

How about you?


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Remembering… or how to tell your brain it’s over?

I’m remembering

a lot of stuff from the past lately. Lots and lots of memories which I try to ignore, and sometimes I succeed, sometimes not. So I thought maybe writing about it would help, if ignoring doesn’t work out too well. Those memories are mostly related to the beginning of the school year, which used to be an absolute nightmare for over a decade.

I see people from my family and others buying their kids things for school, I hear my Mum talking how she’s afraid of the next schol year for Zofijka, I notice time flying so quickly and September approaching, and each time I see any signs of the school year coming, I have to remind my brain, it’s not you now, it’s over. But it doesn’t listen for too long, and soon I get overflooded by another wave of memories.

I remember all those days and nights before I”d go back to the boarding school when I cut myself ’cause my pain and helplessness were too bad. I remember not being able to eat and sleep because of the anxiety. I remember the feelings of utter loneliness and not belonging anywhere, along with many other overwhelming feelings with which I couldn’t cope, but finally I always had to cope somehow, so I just bottled them up, feeling them rising inside of me with every second. I remember feeling very unsafe and rebelled that I had to leave everything that felt nice, familiar, everything and everyone that I loved, and how desperate I was to not do it. I felt guilty and weak because even though the situation was the same and obvious for so many years, that there was no alternative for me, I still couldn’t adjust to it. Well in a way I did, but the adjustment was only hiding what I felt so it wouldn’t bother anyone else, because well how long can it take you to accept something so obvious and inevitable that if you have special needs and need special education, you need to go to school where they can adjust things to you, and there aren’t many of such so most children have to be away from their families. For me that was an issue, and it looked like it was wrong.

Those feelings always accompanied me when I had to leave home and go to the boarding school, but when the school year was starting, they were particularly intense. Because the school year always meant changes. Changes that could often regard me more or less, but even if they were directly to do with me, it wasn’t a norm that I, or even any of my parents, were asked about our opinion, whether we agree on them or not, whether they’re acceptable. That was normal there. If you had a friend, who was also your roommate, with whom you lived for years, you got to know very well, you should be aware that when you come back to school next year, you may suddenly be informed that you two will no longer live together because… just because. And you could not only be moved to another room, but also to a completely different group. THis exact situation didn’t happen to me, only because I didn’t have real friends there, but it did to one of my classmates and she was just told to get over it, because it was necessary and such situations happen in life so she has to get used to it. I though changed my roommates very often too, and it was often very tough. And many other changes could await you there, hardly, if ever, nice.

So yeah, I was just sick of anxiety every year before the start of school year, and afterwards too.

But it’s now four years since I got out of there, and I am so happy about it, yet each time it’s close to September, my brain goes mad. Even this year, when I’m completely free of that freaky brain washing machine called education system. I even had a pretty yucky dream last night, I haven’t have this kind of memory dreams in a while, but that one was yucky and it took me quite a while to get back to the present after I woke up. Those dreams aren’t particularly scary, like creepy or something, but are just kinda made of my crappy memories so reliving them over and over definitely isn’t nice aND I wake up feeling nausious and stressed out.

As I wrote earlier today in Music Monday Care & Love post, I am trying to fill this week with various self care activities and other enjoyable things, and that helps me to stay in the present and focus on the positive, and there is much positive stuff going on in my life. Plus it helps me to not slip down again to that self-loathing hole, which is always very easy when I’m having memories. But it doesn’t stop my brain from going back to the past, often at least expected moments.

So I wonder, how do you make your brain know it’s over? It seems all so complicated.

 

The purring symphony.

Curled up together, we silently lie

me, and him – Misha, the sweet child of mine

I can hear the beating of his feline heart

knowing that no one could tear us apart.

I breathe in  his smell, listen to his sounds

his delicate paws, his head, small and round.

My hand on his chest, I feel how he breathes

What do you dream of, in your peaceful sleep?

his purring – a comforting

symphony

Puts me to sleep, with its sweet harmonies.

When the day comes, I wake up calm and free

And that’s how we live, my Misha and me.

Question of the day.

Have you ever known anyone whose house has caught fire?

My answer:

My Polish teacher at the integration school where I was for two years in primary. She had terrible scars after that and I remember she once told me that since then she’s deadly afraid of anything to do with fire. Also at the time when I was in the primary school the boarding part for girls of the school for the blind where I was going to has caught fire. I also know about my Dad’s friend to whom it happened, but I don’t know him personally.

How about you? 🙂


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Music Monday Care & Love – Big Fox – “Sad Eyes”.

Hi! 🙂

I’m happy to participate again in

Music Monday Care & Love

hosted by the Bee, check her post out and I strongly recommend you to take part in it as always. .

This week, Bee’s self care suggestion for us is to  have a break. That sounds simple, and gives your creativity a lot of freedom, which is always fun, I believe. During this week-long break, Bee encourages us to to spoil ourselves. I wondered for some time what I’m gonna do for myself during this week.

I’ve been planning to get myself some almond milk, which I’ve been craving for a few weeks, and my Mum actually went to our favourite health food shop to get it for me, but they didn’t have it. It seems to be a rare thing to get. However the saleswoman she talked to ordered it and said it might be available around Friday, so, well, I can’t wait hahaha. I haven’t had almond milk in ages and I really like it. We could make some on our own with Mum but she’s not feeling the best lately with her blod pressure being very low so I guess it won’t be a very good idea, even if it would be cool to have your own homemade almond milk, we used to make it together regularly like a year or two ago.

Other than that, but still about edible things, not as healthy though, I thought I’d buy myself some snacks for a treat this week. We have a shop in Poland, they’re in Warsaw but they also sell online, anyway, they have a lot of sweets and snacks from other countries, mostly US, UK, Germany and Asian coutries, but also others. I discovered them at the beginning of holidays and got a big package of treats for our whole family, and just all of them were delicious and my family were delighted, particularly my Dad, who is now a big fan of Doritos, he never had any kind of Doritos before, even though some are actually available in casual shops, but not very popular for some reason. So I thought I’d buy another, maybe a bit smaller package of treats. I intended it to be just for me but ended up also buying a big chocolate with almonds for my Mum. I bought a smaller one for myself, and the same crisps I bought for myself the last time, chipotle Doritos and my MOST FAVOURITE chips since June – Jalapeno Pepper JACK from Lay’s. No, really, not just because they have Jack in their name. I admit, that was the reason why I was tempted to buy them for the first time – for me and for my Dad Jacek – but, as almost all Jacks I know so far, they turned out to be just smashing. 😀 Another reason why being a Jackophile is really fun. My Dad liked Doritos a bit more though. For those of you who are new and can’t get what I’m talking about, I love the name Jack and many other similar names, and pretty much anything with Jack or even Jac in its name is irresistible for me and I just have to have an encounter with it. Just my little kink, one of quite a few.

Anyway, I ordered all that stuff I mentioned, but I guess the money still didn’t get through to them so I’m waiting.

Putting the food aside, we have a very nice weather lately, not hot, but still warm, you can feel though that the autumn is approaching. So yesterday I decided I’ll have a very lazy day and as soon as I finished my morning routine I went out to the garden to get some vitamin D, as it was really sunny in the morning. Generally I don’t like to sunbathe, I mean I don’t like to have tanned skin, the more that I get sunburn easily, but I decided my legs could use some sunbathing. I had my book with me, but I almost didn’t read it, rather trying to just be and exist and either not think about nothing, or let my thoughts go smoothly wherever they wanted, with the only rule being thinking about nice and positive things. It might be tricky with my brain, but we managed. Mum was doing some gardening later on so i was helping her whenever I was able to.

It is nice that although technically school year is coming in like 10 days I guess, it is still warm and sunny. Plus, for me, it’s definitely not the end of holidays. The joys of not passing your finals, and not rewriting them, you can have holidays as long as you wish. 😛 But even if I rewrote the exam and passed it and went to some uni this year, I wouldn’t go earlier than in October. And I am so glad that finally when they’re talking about the school year approaching, it doesn’t regard me and I don’t have to dread, or even care at all.

But in fact, I do care a bit, unfortunately. Not as in previous years obviously, when I’d freak out and be unable to sleep or be hugely depressed etc. but still. I try to think rationally and be happy and appreciate the fact that I’m off that hell since four years and that now I’m off of the education system overall, and I am, I am immensely happy and relieved about it. But at the same time when people are talking about the schol year coming soon, or I see Zofijka being a little anxious about the new year, some part of me gets anxious too. And that kinda sucks, that even if something’s over, your brain doesn’t always seem to get it entirely, as if it doesn’t really want to or can’t believe, or something.

But I try not to care about that part of me which still cares about those things, and I try to enjoy things that are going on in the present and get as much out of them as I can.

Oh and I also forgot about another self care thing I’m going to do today and which I’m really looking forward to. Yesterday I bought myself also a bathsalt, well I actually bought plain sea salt, because I think that’s the best bathsalt, first because I don’t really like things that smell too intense, especially sweet, and I am allergic to a lot of artificial cosmetics, and second because I just think natural things are the best. It came today, quite early in the morning, and I opened it, to see how it looks and smells, but although it’s just sea salt, it smells so beautifully. I actually don’t know how to describe it, but it’s so cool. To this salt I also bought myself A SMALL box with lavender oil balls, I’ve always loved them since my Mum bought them for me as a kid, but they’re hard to get. I don’t know how they’re actually called in English but they’re just little balls, they look a bit like made of plasticine to me and their size is similar to an average ball made of plasticine I guess, like, dunno, about 1,5 cm maybe, and when you put them iNto the water they melt and release the oil. I love the smell of lavender and these balls are god for people with allergies, well, for me anyway, and I just love them. They look s nice and smell beautifully and are so relaxing. I’d post a picture, but I’m too lazy and my Mum isn’t around at the moment to even make it. So yeah, I’d have a great evening today and I can’t wait. I must say all those things really helped me to feel better after that self-loathing slide I had at the weekend.

OK, that would be it about my self care activities, or those biggest, let’s get on to the music.

The song for today is by Big Fox. Under this name hides Charlotta Perers from Sweden and her accompanying musicians. I think she’s pretty charcteristic, or her music is. I like it for its melancholy, she often writes very interesting lyrics and it all sounds just good.

so here’s the song called Sad EYes from her.

Question of the day.

Have you ever known anyone who has written something that was published? My answer:
Yes, quite a lot of people actually. One of my Polish blind friends is regularly publishing short stories, well I haven’t had any contact with her in a while but she was at the time we were talking regularly. I had a chance to meet my favourite writer, Małgorzata Musierowicz, and talk to her, and I was in her house, and we hugged, so I guess I can say I know her somewhat. I know some people I was going to school with ended up as writers and I knew them to a varying degree. And one of my school tutors was one of the authors of a few specialised books on typhlopedagogy as far as I know.


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Share Your World.

Cee’s Share Your World.

 

Which tastes better: black or green olives?
I love olives in general, olives are one of my favourite foods. It doesn’t matter whether black or green.

What’s your favorite room in your home?
My own.

What fictional family would you be a member of?
There’s such a Polish series I’ve talked about probably more than I can count on this blog, it’s called “Jeżycjada”, and it’s written by Małgorzata Musierowicz. It is generally perceived as a series for teens, or for girls, or women, but my personal opinion is that it is suitable just for everyone, unless you really crave for a very fast and changeable plot in a book. It’s full of warmth and humour, yummy food, very fascinating characters that at the same time are also just nice to be around. All that with the witty style and erudition of Musierowicz’s on top which make these books way too good to just classify them as your typical books for teens, in fact I don’t thik many of the typical Polish teens would actually read themwith pleasure because of a bit difficult vocabulary at times, for example my Zofijka says they’re boring because she doesn’t understand a lot of words, which in my opinion is weird, but that’s how many teens seem to be nowadays, though Zofijka is maybe just a bit too young because she’s actually 11. And what’s very characteristic to this series is that there is a lot of focus on family life. In the central place we have the Borejko family, living in Poznań, and then all their friends and further relatives, so quite a lot of families we can come across. Each book in the series is particularly dedicated to one of the characters (preferably a teenage girl or a young woman, though not always), so we can have a deeper insight into a particular heroine’s family. That being said, I have lots of interesting, loving and cool families to choose from in my favourite series. But I’ll go with the Borejko family, I’d love to be the fifth of the Borejko daughters (there are four), or I could replace Natalia, with whom I strongly identify. This is such a great family and I already feel like a part of it. And OMG I’d love for Mila Borejko to be my Mum, or even just anyone whom I’d know in real life, she has very many traits that I have, so I can understand her and identify with her, but she also has a lot of ones that I don’t have and which I always admire in people and respect them for.And boy wouldn’t it be cool to  have four sisters? Or even just three, if I’d be Natalia? 😀 One of my other favourite families is the Żak family, they’re so funny and witty and always make me laugh when I read the book that is particularly about them, but I am not sure whether I’d actually fit in there, I feel like the Borejko family are a bit more of my kind of people.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week?  Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, a lot of progress in my languages, particularly Welsh, but also English, writing, blogging. Starting therapy with the new therapist, whatever will come out of it, our first session was pretty good. Getting rid of the anxiety after the nightmares I had a few weeks ago and the anxiety afterwards was hard to overcome fully, it would come back happily in the evenings and at night and I hated it, and now it seems to be gone, I hope I’m not jinxing it.

 

Question of the day.

Hi guys. 🙂

Here’s today’s question for us all. 🙂

Have you ever known anyone who has hunted for their own food?

My answer:

Yes, one of my uncles, who is a farmer, does it. As far as I know, hunting is his greatest passion.

How about you? 🙂


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

MY SIGHTED GUIDE FOR BLIND INTERACTIONS

A fantastic post from Anel, and so very relatable for me and I think any other blind person. How great it would be if all the sighted people would read it…

Sightlessmusings.wordpress.com

In the greater scheme of things, I am a “roll with the punches” kind of person and you really have to go the extra mile to seriously rain on my parade… I am used to life not going as planned… Let’s face it, who really factored blindness into the equation when plotting the course of their lives? So when it comes to ignorance, stereotyping, insensitive comments and being treated like I have a contagious disease, I am able to shrug it off without too much of a fuss. People are who they are and it will take more than one blind girl asking for change to actually get them to see the light.

However, in both the sighted and blind communities, there are things that drive me insane and make me wonder whether I have ever really been comfortable with the “smile and wave” approach, or do I just convince…

View original post 655 more words

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare. Sharing some stuff mostly about therapy, still with no almond milk. ;)

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Oes unrhywun fodlon i gael paned o goffi, neu beth bynnag arall, efo fi? Does neb ond Misha a fi ‘ma a mae’n teimlo tipyn bach yn unig…

Yeah… that’s how my brain is functioning right now haahaha. Did two challenges of my Welsh course again, and now my language structures seem to be rather messed up lol. I’m damn proud of myself again, even though I’ve been rather depressed all weekend, and even though now I feel a little bit drained intellectually. Don’t know whether I’m thinking always grammatically correctly in my Welsh, but anyway, I’m glad of it really. I just meant to ask you if anyone’s up for a cuppa, or whatever else, and that there are only me and Misha here so it feels a little bit lonely, however now we’re not just two here, Zofijka just came in, still though some coffee would be cool, wouldn’t it? I won’t drink coffee with Zofijka, so if anyone’s up, join in.

Still no almond milk, Mum said she’d got it for me while shopping yesterday but  she didn’t, she just forgot. But it’s not that very important, we still have a lot of other drinks, and we’re about to order some food from KFC with Zofijka. Mum and Dad are on a day trip.

So grab whatever you feel like drinking or eating and let’s have some coffee share.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’ve been doing this week…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I”ve had a pretty decent week overall. I’m feeling kinda depressed since yesterday, it got a bit alleviated after I forced myself to do Welsh and that it went fairly well, but I hope that’s just temporary, maybe some PMS stuff or something.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I emailed, the one doing psychodynamic therapy, got in touch with me. She wrote she was on holiday so couldn’t contact me earlier. I gave her my Mum’s phone number because my own phone was broken at the time and being repaired, and she wrote she’ll call me the next day in between sessions and told me the approximate hour. So we were waiting, me and my Mum, but she didn’t call at that time although we waited for it for quite a while afterwards and it was like late afternoon, so I went to my room and was doing other stuff and then she called in the evening. It started off badly and awkwardly, because, ya know, what kinda impression you can get when you call someone and their mum answers, or rather what kind of impression you can have about such Mum. She was sure my Mum is some sort of narcissist or other abusive jerk, we didn’t think she’d call that late, I was sure she changed her mind or forgot or will call next day or email me or something. So then I talked to her, was very anxious about that, and it didn’t seem to go well at all, she even asked me whether I am sure that my Mum won’t make any problems later on in therapy because “some parents” struggle with accepting that their child is healing and changing their roles in life and such. I was rather baffled but said I think my Mum is conscious enough to not do such things and I don’t think she’d like to influence my therapy in any way. My another awkward move was that I didn’t tell her I’m blind right away. It was actually intentional, I’ve had so many situations in the past when I would tell people I am blind, like various kinds of teachers, professionals etc. and then they’d say they can’t work with me because they don’t work with the blind, as if there was some secret recipe for for example teaching blind people Finnish, or they’d just panic or something. Also, for me, my blindness is rather a natural thing, so when we finally started to talk and I got so stressed I just forgot about that and whether to tell her about it or not. But after we disconnected I realised that actually in therapy it may matter that I’m blind, a bit more than in some other areas, because indirectly some of my issues are related, or caused, by my disability. Plus, is this really better to shock someone instead of telling them things right away? I felt kinda uncomfortable with this and was pretty sure we’re just not gonna get along after all that, that she won’t be willing to work with me. Also because her first impression of me and my Mum was so disadvantageous, mine of her wasn’t much better. I had an impression she is a very impulsive person and not in the good sense at all. She set our first session for Friday.

I was just physically sick of anxiety waiting for it, thinking more often than I can count about cancelling. I was anxious about this completely new experience in general, but also about meeting this therapist. But at the same time I was strangely curious, and wanted to give us both a chance, and some part of me was extremely determined to finally get some help, although it’s generally just fucking hard for me to ask or receive support.

Finally that day had come so I was all jittery and catastrophising, it just couldn’t go well.

Surprisingly, yeah, very surprisingly, it turned out to be pretty good. I told her I’m blind and I saw she was pretty surprised for a while, but not like shocked, and definitely not in a negative sense, she just asked me why didn’t I tell her about it before so she could come and help me to her office, but I told her it’s just a very natural thing to me so it just got out of my head in the stress to tell her and that I’m with my Mum, i guess she thought she’s my guide or assistant or something and not my Mum because my Mum left very quickly and didn’t talk much to her, she was also embarrassed a bit I guess about that earlier situation. But other than that she was OK with it and had a lot of questions as for my functioning obviously like, you know, how did I find her if I’m blind and who helped me to write an email to her, so we spent some time talking about all things blindness related, and she was in awe about how supposedly independent I am to be able to write emails and stuff. I told her of course about that phone situation and why I gave her my Mum’s number and she was absolutely OK with it, just was worried my Mum is some sort of invigilating narc as I wrote before.

As for the session, I have pretty mixed feelings about it, though overall it went well I think, if you can say anything constructive after the first session with a therapist. She is a very warm person and I found it quite surprising, I’d say she seems more emotional than my previous therapist, the one with whom I did CBT over the last couple months, and I definitely didn’t expect it, I thought for some reason that a psychodynamic therapist would be more matter-of-fact and rational, and I’m glad she’s the way she is, I don’t think I’d do well with someone thinking overly logically. I could indeed say she’s impulsive, but not in the bad sense, I’d say very empathetic and, well, dynamic. 😀 And that’s rather new to me because so far the therapists I worked with were rather calm and very composed, even my first therapist Monika who was very kind and emotional and understanding, was at the same time very very calm. Don’t know what’s better or worse or whether there actually is anything that’s worse or better, it’s just new to me to work with someone like her, as I’m sure working with someone like me is for her.

We talked, rather briefly as for now, about my issues regarding the past, I told her how I feel weird when thinking about it as trauma and that thinking about some of my past as traumatic is very new to me and feels confusing. We talked about my social anxiety and anxiety in general and about my diagnoses, and I told her quite a lot about my general life situation.

She told me something very interesting but also very striking, which no one has ever told me before. I was telling her some stuff about the boarding school and how I couldn’t adjust there etc. you know I was writing a lot about it previously, and she suddenly interrupted me and said that I provoke her all the time to reject me. That I tend to say very biased things about myself all the time like that I’m weird, or that other kids were more normal, or that I very often use negatively marked words to describe myself or my behaviours/reactions, and tend to overly justify people’s behaviours, so that the general message she said she’s getting from me since we met is like “Hey don’t like me because I don’t like myself and you can’t like me!” and it looks like I desperately want people to reject me, Of course I don’t, but as she told me about it, it caught my attention because, yeah, I definitely don’t like myself, most of the time or in most regards at least, but I never thought about it this way, that I provoke people to reject me so openly, and that it could have such a big effect on my relationships. Now I see it, or at least, kind of. It was very striking discovery for me. I wonder whether that could be the reason for so many of my relationships to be so short-lived or ending up yucky, even though I don’t talk to many other people so openly about myself so they don’t get a chance to know what I actually think about myself, in fact I know that many people who know me, or particularly who knew me in the past in real life, think I’m a bit haughty, but I guess there might be some subconscious communication involved as well and I might reject people subconsciously. That’s so weird and I feel a bit confused as for that. And that topic was coming back regularly throughout the session and then afterwards I wanted to give her my real phone number as my phone was repaired by the time I had therapy, so I took out my phone and told her I need to find my number, because my brain is so freaky I don’t even know my own phone number without looking at it, I just love all things numbers. And she wanted to show me I’m doing it again, saying bad things about myself, but then I told her that I’d rather differentiate self-loathing from deprecating humour, because I said it rather jokingly in that speciffic situation. I don’t feel worse from other people just because some of them are better than me with numbers, it’s nothing I want to be good at, so, yeah, I was  just joking, in fact I like it about my brain that it’s more creative and not limited by any mathematical schemes – I told her. But she told me that she’s always had an impression that those who use self-deprecating humour the most usually deprecate themselves in other aspects of life as well more than the rest. And that made me think about Vreeswijk suddenly, so then I knew she had a point here again, and just couldn’t help but laugh. 😀

We didn’t do much more, but I felt relieved after the session, despite those kinda weird discoveries about which I still don’t really know what to think and what to do, I was happy we were able to get along despite that awkward situation at the beginning and I was happy I could talk about some of the issues with someone and that she at least seemed to get it. What I found a bit hard was that I had an impression we’re having some issues with communication. Like sometimes I’d say something to her and she’d talk about something completely different and it was hard to get for me where she’s actually going to, or the other way around, she was saying something to me, and I didn’t know what she meant and wanted from me and we couldn’t just figure out each other. Or pretty often I had the impression that she was expecting me to say something, and if I did something different, her reaction was a bit like I said something kinda wrong, and yeah I didn’t always get what she actually wants from me and it was quite confusing. I don’t really know why it’s this way, I find her way of being a bit chaotic, but then so am I, it just manifests in different ways in each of us, so maybe that’s why, or just because we both didn’t talk to each other before, that I was stressed, and she was surprised by all that she got to  know. Also I find it often hard to describe my feelings clearly while talking so maybe that could be the reason for the communication issues  as well. I just hope it won’t be a long lasting thing and will get better with time as we will get to know each other more because at times I found it a little bit uncomfortable and bizarre.

But overall I think she’s really good and my Mum says that as soon as she saw her she knew I’ll get along with her and she’ll be able to help me, that’s interesting.

Yesterday though, I started to feel a bit crappy emotionally and then worse and worse as if some larger mood dip was about to start and soon I found myself in that dark, self-loathing hole again, and  was overloaded with feelings and felt like self-harming a lot. I didn’t, but it was really strong at some point. I don’t know, whether it’s a coincidence, or some defensive or other kind of mechanisms kicked in so early on, but I think it’s weird I feel this way so soon after therapy when it went so well. I’ve been just so full of depression and anger for God knows what or whom actually and urges and self-loathing thoughts over the weekend, yesterday it was a bit hard to function properly and I would gladly not come out of bed at all if I could, but would it change anything? Doubtful. As I said, today is slightly better, I found the motivation to do my Welsh, which I didn’t do yesterday, nor on Friday, nor on Thursday because I felt to anxious, and that lifted me a bit.

And last, but not least, if we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Zofijka has just made some chocolate custard, well it’s not custard actually, we don’t eat custard i Poland regularly, it’s like our Polish custard pudding but you have starch in it instead of egg jolks, you can make it from scratch of course but most people just buy the concentrate and then add some other ingredients so it’s quick to make, you can have it in many flavours like vanilla, or cream or banana or cherry or chocolate, or caramel, etc. And Zofijka just saw we have and decided she’ll make it on her own, for the first time. Sofi is a really good cook, so it obviously went well and we both liked it. It wasn’t very sweet but oh well, we just melted chocolate and added to it when we realised it’s not sweet enough and it was yummy. Zofijka is now very happy and proud of her new culinary achievement. :)It turned out she made a bit too much of it just for us two, so we can have some for the coffee share if you like. 😀

OK, so I guess that’s all from me for today.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? 🙂

 

Question of the day.

Hi people. 🙂

Here’s another question for you in this little series about people we know.

Have you ever known anyone who had a birthmark in a place people could see?

My answer:

My Mum has quite a big mole on her decolletage so it maybe isn’t visible all the time but when it’s summer so you’re not completely covered up in clothes it is visible, but it’s not like particularly gross or anything or at least she doesn’t make a lot of fuss around it or isn’t uncomfortable with it so I don’t think it makes any difference for her. I have a lot of small moles all over my face, I guess it’s because my skin is like very light, which aren’t very nasty but I don’t really like it, and as far as I know my uncle on Mum’s side, who is also actually my Mum’s uncle so I don’t know whether that’s still called uncle in English, or some sort of grand uncle or whatever, anyway Olek, who is always making fun of people and seeing some embarrassing details about them, he says that that uncle has like an extremely visible and unappealing birthmark next to his lip. Well I don’t know if that’s true that it is really so so bad, but it definitely doesn’t sound cool. I also believe some people on my Dad’s side have some freckles or stuff as they are Kashubians with German descent and some even say Nordic however I don’t know where they got it from, anyway they’re still generally rather light-skinned.

How about you? 🙂


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Question of the day.

Have you ever known anyone who ran a marathon, or runs marathons?

My answer:

I don’t know him very well, just passed him a few times i the past and heard this and that, but my classmate’s dad was running marathons. He, my classmate, was very proud of him in this regard and often talked about it.

How about you? 🙂


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Hannah Grace – “Oh River”.

Hi people! 🙂

I realised that I’ve been showing you loads and loads of great Welsh-language music since this blog started to exist, for quite a few reasons, of which you probably are more or less aware if you’re here with me for a while, and it’s great, because there’s even more great Welsh-language music, the stuff that I know and that I haven’t yet discovered, but at the same time I realised that in comparison to how much Welsh-language music I’ve shared with you, I’ve shared just only a very small amount of Welsh music in English. Probably because I myself don’t listen to it as often as I do to Welsh-language stuff, I don’t know about very many Welsh artists that make their music solely in English and that I would like, there are just a couple.

So here’s the song for today, from Hannah Grace, who is originally from Bridgend. I think she has a really powerful vice, and this single is just beautiful.

She sings it so well and it has very interesting harmonies, but also the lyrics are no less powerful and make you think. I love this piece for all this and I hope you will too.

Feeling like a lonely leaf…

Hhrrru?

It’s Misha Pisha. How are you doing pets and peeps? Hope everyone is feeling good.

I’ve slept through all the day yesterday, and most of today. Mum and Mila went out somewhere earlier today, and I was at home only with Olek, but he was in his room watching TV and didn’t care about me at all, he never does. And I was feeling lonely. Lonely as a leaf. I always say I’m lonely as a leaf when I feel lonely. And then Zofijka laughs and says leaves aren’t lonely because they’re together on a branch, or when they fall they are in a pile. But sometimes tey are lonely. Sometimes when it’s autumn one leaf is left on the branch while all the other have just fallen. And I bet he’s feeling lonely and cold without other leaves to keep him company. And even if there are no leaves on a tree, they aren’t always all in the pile. Sometimes it’s windy and the wind can blow one leaf away from the rest and leave him some place when he’s alone. Or with other pile of leaves that he doesn’t know, but that’s another story, luckily I didn’t have to ever change my pile of leaves, well, only once, when I was very small and was taken away from my cat Mummy, but I don’t remember it almost at all now. But I sometimes have those days when I feel lonely as a leaf. Even if people say my comparison is stupid, I don’t think it is. Do you know what idiom is there in the Polish language to say someone is lonely? Lonely as a finger! Does that make sense? No! Neither for peeps, nor even for cats! So why can’t I feel lonely as a leaf, if someone might feel lonely as a finger?!

For those of you who don’t read my Mishposts from the beginning of this blog, you probably are confused as for how can I talk to people and you probably think I’m just making it up. I’m not. Or, well, just kind of… We have a game with Mila and Zofijka, that I can talk. Mila made it up and Zofijka seems to believe that I can really talk even though she’s 11 already. But I think she wants to believe in it. I just need to connect to someone’s brain with mine, and I just talk via this person, and it works a bit like a phone connection, we can connect and disconnect whenever we want and I just talk. Usually I connect to Mila because it is usually Zofijka who wants to talk to me, or we three talk together sometimes, so, ya know, she doesn’t want to seem that she is talking to herself, she doesn’t want to seem crazy, and she says that when I am connected to her I’m talking bullshit. They both like to talk to me though, particularly in the evenings.

Anyway, I felt lonely as a leaf so I was hanging around the house on my own and crying. But no one even heard me so then I went upstairs and to Mum’s wardrobe and lied there and fell asleep for a while, and I dreamt about leaves being blown away each in different direction and not being able to find each other and I was also a flying leaf in this dream. Finally though I heard some bustle downstairs so it meant they’re back. Mum found me soon and I had lunch and then went upstairs to Mila’s room and we were snuggling and I got a lot of snacks and was purring. Then I climbed up on the wardrobe in her room and slept there for a while and I think I’ll go back there after I write this.

Sleepy Mishpurrs from

Misha


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Question of the day.

Have you ever known anyone who named their child after a living relative?

My answer:

Plenty of people. I have two cousins who got their middle names after their grandmas, my another cousin has both his names after his grandads, my other cousin’s middle name is also after his grandads, who bear the same name, and my another cousin’s first name is also after our grandad. My another cousin on Dad’s side is named after one of his uncles. One of my aunts is named after her grandmother, who was living at the time she was born. Not to mention all those in my family who have their middle names after their parents’ first names, it’s a common thing in our region and so is with me and my siblings, my Dad’s middle name is also after his dad. And also lots of other people who aren’t my family, I guess most people call their children after someone from their family, which in my opinion is not always good.

How about you? Have those people you know got just the same name as their family member or is it a variation or something that honours them otherwise? Are you also named after any of your relatives? What do you think about doing so? Would you also name your child after a living relative? 🙂


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Question of the day.

Have you ever known anyone who named their child after a historical figure?

My answer:

Honestly I don’t think so, or just no one comes to mind.

How about you?


Ta wiadomość została sprawdzona na obecność wirusów przez oprogramowanie antywirusowe Avast. https://www.avast.com/antivirus