Question of the day.

What would your perfect shindig involve?

My answer:

Well I guess a perfect shindig for me would be no shindig at all. It’s definitely not my thing. I sometimes can’t stand a normal family gathering, let alone a noisy party for God knows how many people. But if I had to take part in one, I’d be happy if there were some places where I could take refuge, or from where it would be easy to take a French leave and sneak out to my room with Misha as soon as possible. I just had a similar situation today. It’s my Dad’s nameday, and because it’s Sunday, lots of people came in hopes that there will be a lot of food and an opportunity to have fun. And my poor Mum had to make all that food, of course. At first we had a big dinner for the grandparents, and after that my Mum was really kind and understanding to me. She was in the kitchen and called me out. She said she just thought I’d probably be much happier to help her rather than sit with the rest of them, which was of course true, just took me aback a little bit since my Mum usually doesn’t care that much about my social dilemmas. SO I helped her out with making the bread – well helped would be probably too big a word, but I tried, anyway. – And then I could sneak out to my room and Mum told me she’d call me when the rest of the guests would come. ANd she did, so I came down to socialise with them a bit, but there was soon so many people, including children, or so it felt for me, that I felt sort of overstimulated, and despite really good intentions, I had to leave rather early, I started to feel really uncomfortable. So, no, no shindigs, please!!!

You? 🙂

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Question of the day.

In general, ow do you feel about asking for help/reaching out for support?

My answer:

For me, it is a challenge to ask for help, and I’d better not do it if I really don’t have to, or if I do, I often feel either awful or just embarrassed about it. I think it’s mainly because of my lack of confidence and very low self-esteem. Same applies to reaching out or asking for support, though the thing here is more complicated also because of my trouble with expressing emotions as well as my sort of ingrained view that I have trouble looking outside of, that it’s wrong to do, or at least wrong for me, and that I should deal with things myself since other people have much more serious problems. So then even if I do reach out, I often feel like shit about it, or if I ask for help in situations that don’t feel serious enough or I thinnk I could somehow manage them I feel so crappy as if I was manipulative or something. It also happens that I even don’t like to admit that I’m not OK for example, or that something is not going well, as even when I can see that people care, I wonder why actually they would. I have the problem with asking for help/support both with people I know well and am relatively close to, and those whom I don’t know too well or are complete strangers. With the first it’s because of what I wrote earlier, plus I just don’t want to bother them, and with the latter it’s usually because of my anxiety. I absolutely hate people being condescending, like helping me out but making it clear that they’d rather not do it and just making a big deal out of it. Don’t know if you call such a thing condescendingness in English but it seems the closest word I can come up with hahaha. But then on the other hand I’m blind, and also have some other difficulties, which makes it pretty much impossible to live without other people helping you, and I think that in comparison to an average blind person I’m quite dependent on other people’s help, like I rely on my Mum quite hugely. This is quite a contradiction which sometimes can really really suck, and my dependence on other people oftentimes makes me feel even more rubbishy. In the recent few years, my views on this have changed a little bit, as I’ve been trying to figure out a lot of things and actually stared to focus more on my mental health, but it is still a significant problem for me, though I don’t like to talk about it usually.

So, how about you? Do you need a lot of help from other people, or are you a very independent person who doesn’t need it/avoids having to ask for it?

 

Question of the day.

What simple/common things fill you with joy?

My answer:

Lots of things, and to a varying degree, depending on what it is and also on my mood and how much filled with joy I actually can feel at a certain moment. First and foremost, Misha. Though… well it was probably thoughtless of me to call him a simple and common thing. He’s one of the most complex beings that I know and I’m sure there is no other like him, and above all he’s certainly not a thing. OK, so, once again. Music (even though the music I listen to can rarely be called common as it’s rarely popular but never mind), reading interesting books, yummy food, sometimes playing with Zofijka, being by the sea, feeling the ice, having a hot bubble bath as long as it’s once in a while, lots and lots of nice/soothing/interesting sounds and on top of it the sounds of my languages or doing something with them, although again, not many of them are common, or even simple, so sometimes if they don’t feel very simple it can be also a challenge, but then I do love a good language challenge too. And there are probably other things that I can’t think of now too.

How about you? 🙂

Question of the day.

Which of your friends are you proudest of?

My answer:

I’m proud of many of my friends, for different reasons. But most?… Like most?… Hmmm. I guess my friend Jacek from Helsinki, the one with whom I was writing about the vikings and the Norse gods. I really admired his passion and determination. He didn’t have the best family situation, and lots of other mostly situational difficulties to overcome, but despite them, he decided he wants to study Finnish, and go to Finland, and he did just that. Despite he had dyslexia, and many people were apparently just openly telling him: “Languages?! You’re not serious, it’s not for you!”. He lived in a rural area but he moved to a city quite far away from where he lived, and started to study there. And then they sent him to Finland. And he just amazed me with his social skills, that he was able to get things from people very easily because he was always so friendly and charming. He managed to get a job in Finland while still studying. I’m sure that if he wouldn’t pass away, the world would hear about him. He had such a charisma around him and I just felt lucky to be his friend. So if I had to pick one specific person, it would be him, because, well he was overall quite a remarkable guy. Also it was really impressive and moving to me how brave he was when he finally became ill.

But other than that, I think it deserves mentioning, that I am also proud of my friends that I have in the mental health email groups that I’m in. Particularly those who are trauma and abuse survivors. Won’t be naming particular people here, as I’m not sure if they would be OK with it, but I feel proud for all of them. I myself also have been through some traumatising stuff, which I’m still having trouble acknowledging but, well, it’s hard to call it otherwise so I guess that’s how it should be called, but no abuse other than some emotional, and I don’t have PTSD. And I’m just so very proud of all of them, that although they’ve been through so much often very horrendous stuff, they still keep going, and are so incredibly resilient. And I’m happy to be their friend and proud of all their achievements.

Same about all the mental health bloggers whom i already know at least a bit, I feel lucky to know so many inspiring people.

Also when I write with some of my penfriends, who are travelling a lot, or doing other fascinating things, I just can’t help but think: “Gosh, what gorgeous people I happen to know!” 😀

Well so actually I guess I mentioned all of my groups of friends since most of people with whom I’m in touch fairly regularly, other than my family, are either from mental health lists, or from the blogosphere, or my penfriends.

I guess I could find a reason to be proud of everyone of my friends, at least those closer one with whom I talk more regularly and personally.

How about you? 🙂

Question of the day.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My answer:

Recently I’ve been dealing a lot with feeling inadequate, and that’s the first thing that comes to my mind now. It’s a bit of a paradox, because I generally like being different and feeling different, I never wanted to fit in perfectl ywell an dnever tried to, but at the same time I have those feelings of being inadequate very strong, and in some situations they can be a big struggle to deal with.

You? 🙂

Song of the day (23rd January) – Child Of Mind – “Take A Look At My Diary”.

I thought I’d like to share with you one of Declan Galbraith’s songs. Declan Galbraith has been one of my earlier crushes, and my crush on him started on 21 January some years ago, I don’t even remember exactly which year. Since Declan, I’ve already had two crushes, but I still like him a lot. So far I have showed you only 2 songs by him  one

“Strange World”

comes from his demo, and the other –

“Walking In The Air”

comes from his debut album – “Declan” – released in 2002 when Declan was 10 years old. Now he’s 27, and since 2017 I believe, uses the name Child Of Mind. He’s also working on an artistic project of the same name. He has released one EP so far, and it’s really intriguing. From a child who was mainly covering popular songs, he has come a long way, and developed tremendously! I find his lyrics particularly interesting. And the song I’m going to show you here – “Take A Look At My Diary – is the one that speaks to me the most, and is the most relatable for me. I think though that many other people with mental illnesses, but also other similar issues I guess, can probably relate to it easily. I am curious what has inspired him to write this song, as it is very true.

Question of the day (21st January).

Do you enjoy being out in nature?

My answer:

I generally do. I like going for long walks with my Mum, I like to be by the sea, I absolutely love horse riding. I like to go out when it’s raining sometimes and feel it, and I like to hear the sounds of nature. I like nature in general. Sometimes when I’m very anxious going out can be hard for me, as I often have some agoraphobic symptoms then, even though I guess I don’t have full-blown agoraphobia as such, I also have my balance issues so sometimes feel very insecure outside especially if in an unfamiliar area, so I’m not always up to it, but overall I really like it.

You? 🙂