If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

The weekend is over, but Weekend Coffee Share at

Eclectic Alli’s

is still open so I thought I’d take part and have a coffee with you guys.

As you know, I don’t really drink coffee now since quite a few months as I discovered it doesn’t agree with my brain, except for some very special occasions, but you can have it, or you can help yourself to some tea, I have a lot of different teas, as well as orange juice, Pepsi, milk, water, or you can take your own drink with you and share it with others as well if you want. For those who – like me – love coffee but don’t drink it, I can offer you some Kopiko candy – Kopiko are Indonesian coffee-flavoured sweets that actually contain caffeine, but not enough to send your brain to Freakland, unless you eat really many, and they do taste like coffee, unlike so many -flavoured things which are not particularly convincing. I also have some chocolate that I can share with you guys (oh, and we have hot chocolate and cocoa as well if you wish), and also I have hazelnuts in chocolate. My Mum is really awesome, because Christmas is over but she made Christmas pierogi for us again. Well, after all Christmas period is actually still lasting until Sunday. Anyway, if you’d like to try them, feel free to do so. I hope everyone is sitting comfortably and has something yummy to drink, and eat if you want. I’ve just had a glass of orange juice and now I’m sucking a Kopiko.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you are doing…? πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that it’s been quite a tough week for me. I am struggling with a lot of anxiety lately, and my anhedonia has been increasing slowly but steadily since a few months and these days it’s more noticeable for me. It feels strange because, while I’ve been familiar with feeling depressed and struggling with depression and depressive thoughts since forever, I don’t have as much experience with anhedonia. I’m kind of scared that it’ll stay with me, and I’m pretty sure it will if I don’t find myself a faza/crush very soon. Probably the whole transition process to my new computer and having to get used to it doesn’t help as changes hardly help me to feel better. I’m hoping it’s temporary. I’ve also had quite a bit of socialising to do this week.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that there was a bit of a party in our house on Monday. My uncle and his family came. I think I like him the most out of my Mum’s siblings because he’s quite laid back and often looks sort of different at things than the majority of mediocre people, and is funny, although he’s also very noisy and drawing lots of attention to himself, and goodness they all were making soo much noise that I managed to spend only a little while with them and then me and Misha escaped to my room! πŸ˜€ They were all partying until like 2 AM, which is longer than my family usually does, haha, especially that there were children too.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that we were visiting all my grandparents last Tuesday, because it was Grandma’s Day, and on Wednesday Grandad’s Day. We couldn’t really break it down somehow because on Grandad’s Day, we were having other plans. So there was a lot of riding around and sitting behind the tables and socialising and eating and that, and I wasn’t really doing well as my blood pressure was very low and my mood definitely not up to socialising, but I was trying my best. Sofi was in an even worse situation, because she had a headache all day long after not a very good night’s sleep and the party, and you know how awful it is to have a headache while having to travel or visit other people, I really felt for her.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that we had a priest’s visit on Wednesday. I don’t think it’s a thing in Catholic parishes in other countries but here it definitely is. It’s like, during the whole period after Christmas, that is until February 2nd, priests visit all houses in their parishes to consecrate them and pray with people, also talk a little bit, get to know the family a little etc. It’s a very short visit, maybe 15 minutes, but, in our case, usually the waiting for it is sooooo long and daunting. They usually start on the neighbouring street to us, go through it, and then along our street but from the opposite end towards where we live. So the visits start, say, at 4 PM, but ours take place at 8 PM or so. And there’s no communication between the houses really and you have to be prepared because you don’t really know how long it will take this time. This year was a pleasant surprise though, because we were one of the first who were visited on our street, so we didn’t have to sit in the living room the whole afternoon and get bored and frustrated. It went very quickly and we were free. Although such events usually stress me a bit, it’s usually quite awkward if I’m honest, no one really knows what to talk about, so it’s good that we have Zofijka.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I got another computer related scare on Friday. My antivirus informed me that I got some malware and that apparently it was a Trojan, which freaked me out mostly because I’d never had a major infection of a computer before, but also because as I said I’m still not fully used to it. Also I was very suspicious because this computer is still very new, and I had no idea how I could get it, because I haven’t really got to using anything else on it other than the apps I’ve always been using for ages, and same about websites. My antivirus “cured” the thing and then I made a full scan and now there seem to be no dangers, and I haven’t seen any weird behaviours of my computer or any issues that coould be down to a virus or stuff, so I believe it’s okay, and Olek actually says it probably was a false alarm and my antivirus must be just very hypervigilant, although I have no idea if that’s really possible. Anyway, it certainly didn’t help my anxiety as you can imagine.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that yesterday was my grandpa’s 16th death anniversary, and because of that, on Saturday we went to the Mass for him and after that, we had another family gathering, that was for some reason even more difficult for me to go through although I’m not sure why. Perhaps just because I don’t get along with my gran and the whole Dad’s side of family, or perhaps because of all the anxiety bubbling in my brain. Anyway, it was very difficult for me and there was a lot of food. I always find it more or less difficult to eat among many people or people I don’t know, but on the other hand I feel like it’s awful not to ever do it because someone may just feel offended or something, and it’s awkward when everyone else is eating. But this time round it was really difficult for me to eat anything at all. I caught up on that though when we got back home and I devoured a whole packet of crisps right away. It’s funny how much stress can impact you. For me it’s always like this. When I feel very stressed, I virtually can’t eat, but then when it passes away, I become ravenously hungry. πŸ˜€

I think that would be all from me for now in this coffee share. It’s not much, because I wrote a sort of smaller update post not long ago, and also because apart from some chaos in my brain and what I’ve already told you about, right now not much is happening.

Oh, Misha’s birthday is coming on Thursday! Hope things will be looking a bit better by then, although on the other hand I don’t suppose they will.

What would YOU tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

The hiatus is over.

So, as I wrote in the last post and as some of you could notice from my activity on your blogs, my blogging hiatus seems to be over. It’s so great to be back to blogging and connect with you guys! πŸ™‚ I think I wrote you in my last post about all those strange issues with my new computer, which, again, turned out to be caused by the fan that was loose, so the computer couldn’t work properly. Interestingly, when I got it back last Friday, the fan was fallen off again, but this time I didn’t send it to that company again, but my Mum took it to a nearby servicing place. It seems to be fine now, although my trust for this thing has been broken very badly so, while it is a major and stressful change for me anyway, with all those complications along the way it will take me probably even longer to adapt to this new computer and feel confident with it. I have a lot to get used to, and I haven’t figured tons of things yet which is awfully stressful, and there are some that I might just never figure out and will simply have to deal with. I don’t have most of my speech synths – because some seem to have keys that don’t work any longer (including the Welsh and Swedish one which makes my language learning a bit more difficult), I also don’t have Jacek about which I was telling you earlier that I had had that speech synthesiser for years and out of all I’ve ever had Jacek was the best and most reliable Polish speech synthesiser and I simply had a sort of emotional bond with him so to say. After the last time I sent the computerΒ  to the company who helped me get it, I also lost (hopefully temporarily) most other of my voices, because they were doing multiple system repairs, restorations and what not and in all that chaos there have been some licence issues that I’m not able to sort out on my own and will just potentially have to buy them once again which is so totally unfair, especially that I’ll most likely also have to buy myself some other Swedish voice. I can do without Welsh, but definitely not without Swedish. Thus, since I lost all those other synths, I’m also left without a decent English synth which I can deal with but which stinks really badly! Also I have to figure out why my computer doesn’t seem to like virtually any headphones, and they just don’t work exactly properly on it, because while you have them plugged in the sound output can just change at random back to the speakers, or the sound goes somewhere into the space and you can’t hear it neither on the headphones, nor in the speakers. This stinks too, because while my speakers are quite gorgeous, at least for listening to music, I do appreciate my privacy and don’t always want everyone around to know what I’m doing, or even listening to, and sometimes do things which you just need to use headphones for. I hope it’s not some major issue but I probably will not be able to solve it on my own because I simply have no idea what’s the problem here, and, as you can imagine, it can be quite a bit of a problem when you use a screenreader and can’t control whether you are actually able to hear it or not. And oh gosh I do have to get used to all that humming in the background! It’s a trivial problem but it’s really annoying for someone like me who has music on at night while sleeping and so far had only had laptops before. Obviously desktop computers are much noisier. Or at least mine is. I only listen to the music quietly at night, so I can hear it slightly but can still fall asleep and not wake up because of it or something, and it alleviates my sensory anxiety stuff, but now, this way the humming is what I hear predominantly then. I’ve been wondering whether there are ways to quiet it down a bit but I’m quite clueless and I suppose if I won’t get used to it after a while, I’ll have to look for some other ways to have my music on at night, because in this case I’m not up for any compromises. So yeeeah plenty of change and I’ve only mentioned the major things! πŸ˜€ Actually for now the whole adjustment process makes it hard for me to see any upsides of the situation, even though there certainly are some. Like, my files don’t get randomly damaged any longer, yaaay! That’s a huge positive, isn’t it? I believe you can get used to everything, and people definitely get used to much worse things which have no positives about them, but I’m really quite curious how long it will take for me, and while my adjustment process is lasting it’s rather daunting.

I thought that since I’m already writing a post I’ll base it on some writing prompt, or a challenge or whatever. And I decided that I will answer the question of Carol Anne at

Therapy Bits

which she posed to her readers yesterday in her series Carol Anne Asks, especially that her question is very general and I haven’t posted in a LONG while. The question is:

How do you feel today? πŸ˜€

So, today I feel a bit better than in the last days and weeks, which have been tough for me because of all those tech issues and the whole computer transition thing, but also there has been quite a bit of socialising and general anxiety and stuff. Today I’m still an anxious, stressed, a bit anhedonic and overthinking mess but to a slightly lesser degree I’d like to believe. πŸ˜‰ I had a headache in the morning, but thankfully it was just very slight and didn’t develop into anything worse and it has vanished after a few hours which was great. I did some Welsh late in the afternoon, which I wasn’t able to do in a serious way for a good couple of months because of my laptop being glitchy and eating up or destroying my files including Welsh files, which felt kind of good but also more stressful than usual because, well, I had to get used to doing it without Gwyneth – my Welsh speech synth – and because I’m generally not doing too well right now which shows up in how well I absorb what I’m learning. I don’t know if I’ve told you about that ever before but my current dominant music crush, or faza as I call it in Polish – on Gwilym Bowen Rhys – is fading slowly but surely, and I am very worried because this has never happened with my crushes before, not before another one came into my life and dominated over the previous one. Now there doesn’t seem to be any other crush on the horizon to replace Gwilym onn the dominant position in my brain. As I’ve often said, crush is such a shallow word but for me a crush means more than it typically does to someone. My crushes/fazas inspire me, fascinate me, boost my mood, help me to develop in new directions, make me want to live, etc. etc.! They feel absolutely necessary for my mental wellbeing and self-development and make a huge difference, and I believe that a decent crush peak is actually one of the best natural medications for depression. So, this is worrying. All my crushes are still there, even when they fade slightly they are there, but they can’t have as much of an influence on me as a crush that is dominant. So I believe that explains why I’ve been feeling somewhat more mentally lousy and anhedonic in the last couple of months and it’s been slowly increasing, and when I feel better I frantically look for a potential new candidate for me to get a faza on, even though I know well that it never works like that when I want to have a faza on someone, I will, it just comes spontaneously. But maybe my brain needs some… inspiration, stimulation, or whatever. πŸ˜€ I would love my next crush to be called Jack! So, here’s my request to you lovely people, if there are any musicians, or even literary characters called Jack, or something similar that you know, that you think I might not know but might like, do let me know! If you have any idea, and by any chance that Jack will indeed become my next crush, you have MIMRA absolutely guaranteed! πŸ˜€ Seriously. Jacquelines and the like also count. Or if you know a Hamish…

So, yeah, that’s more or less how I’m feeling today.

I missed blogging awfully, so I’m glad I can finally get back to it, although I don’t know if I’ll manage to write daily for now, we’ll see. πŸ™‚

How are you feeling? Let me know in the comments, and go over to Carol Anne as well, or if you want to make a post of your own let me know so I can read it. πŸ™‚

Me and Misha are heading off to Sleepland. 😴

New year wishes, plus, you’ll just NEVER guess what happened today!

Hey guys! πŸ™‚
So, first off, I’d like to wish you a very very happy new year! If you make any resolutions, I hope you can keep them for the whole year and achieve what you want, and in any cse, I hope this year will be better for you than all the previous years, and will be peaceful. I’m sorry I haven’t posted a new year post earlier but things are rather hectic, I spent all day yesterday with my extended family and it wasn’t bad but felt a bit overwhelming for my brain, so today I was sleeping lots in order to recharge. Here in Poland we have an old saying that says what the first day of new year is like for you, will show what the whole year will be like. So how’s it been so far for you?
On a bit different note, you guys will just NEVER, EVER guess what happened to me today… but maybe you fancy to try anyway? πŸ˜€ … I was just a bit sarcastic. It’s very predictable. Any ideas, anyone?…
I hope that if there’s truth in that saying, it doesn’t extend to the second day of the new year. The truth is, my dear Readers, that it is very sadly not the end of my irregular blogging, and of the troubles with my brand new computer which is supposed to last for 10 years even, but so far I don’t see any evidence of it being likely. πŸ˜€ As you perhaps remember, there were problems since the beginning – first it got damaged during the delivery and was not usable anymore, so the delivery company has covered the costs for me and I got the same but new one. Then when the new one arrived to the company that has been helping me out with this (they’re a distributor of specialised equipment for the visually impaired and while a computer is technically not a specialised device, they have also done some repairs for me in the past when there was something niche going on that “normal” technicians were too clueless about, and I’ve been buying various other things like Braille-Sense or Plextalk through them, so I asked them for help with this too) it turned out that the motherboard was faulty and the guy who was completing and setting it all up for me had to get a new one. It all took over half a year and caused me a lot of anxiety and after finally the computer arrived to me, there were plenty of issues with configuration many of which I absolutely wouldn’t be able to overcome and figure out without Olek’s help, and even Olek resolved most of them rather accidentally and after a lot of digging blindly.
Then more recently as you know, just a couple days ago, when I felt like things were finally settling down and I was slowly getting used to the new computer and new system, and all the novelty and changes in general, there was that major system issue over CHristmas which again rendered the computer unusable, about which I wrote in some earlier post. Olek took it to his friend who is apparently quite knowledgeable in those things and he managed to restore the system to some mrevious point, like before it crashed, and all was well. Until today. Because today it crashed in just the same way. At first, various programmes were going crazy, there were some strange errors popping up in both browsers I use and in my email client – well maybe not particularly strange, they just stopped working and needed to be restarted or had very random problems with opening websites but the amounts of those errors were rather suspicious and reminded me of what was happening right before my system crashed on Christmas. My screen-reader went crazy too, as every once in a while it kept crashing with no apparent reason, and then restarting, or just completely stopped working at random times, even when it wasn’t practically working, when it was just running but I wasn’t using it, so I had to reset it. Or icons on the taskbar were randomly disappearing etc. Finally, after an hour or so of all that random crashing of different things, which made doing anything on the computer a bit of a pain, it started to feel alarmingly similar to the situation from just before that last system error that happened over Christmas. I remembered that then, the last thing I did before it stopped working completely was opening a website in Google Chrome. I just experimentally opened Chrome and – here we go – everything froze in a very spectacular way, and after a couple seconds the damn thing switched off and then was trying to restart endlessly but failing at it. It felt so ironic that my first reaction was that I started laughing, and so did Olek when I announced the news of the day to him, but it’s not funny if you want to know my opinion. It’s freaking exhausting. I did not expect Olek to fix it and he didn’t, I think I’m going to send the thing to that company who got it for me, maybe they will do something, we don’t even have an idea what’s the root problem, what’s happening there. I suppose I could give it to any technician because it’s not something to do directly with screen-readers or any typically blind related things (I guess, but I’m clueless), and this way would be faster as that company is on the other end of the country, but I guess since they got it for me, they may know better what’s up, and I want to have it fixed once and for good, I don’t even care now about how much time it’ll take, I just want to have a clear situation. We could probably do the same thing again – restore the system to a previous point – but that is only a temporary resolution and not something I’d be keen on doing every week at all. The last time it happened, my Mum sent the guy from that specialised equipment company a screenshot of what’s showing up when you start up the computer and I described to him what was happening before, and he said it could be some programme not installed correctly causing system issues, but I have no idea what it could be, and especially not this time as I wasn’t installing anything since that last crash as all the apps were already set up, unless such weird things can start happening a week or more after the installation which would be rather odd.
So now that you know what’s up you can also figure out that I’m writing from my Braille-Sense, which doesn’t allow you to do much but at least is more reliable, and that it also means my blogging will still be very irregular if any, for an indefinite time. It’s just after 7 PM but my sleep/wake rhythm is in some hypersomniac phase lately, which is cool in a way especially at times like these, and I’m feeling quite knackered by all that chaos so I think the best thing I can do now is have a shower and go to sleep. Sleep is the best.

Jinxed it! Another blogging/Internet hiatus.

Hi people! πŸ™‚
I’m really sorry to say that, but things are shitty again. Writing this from the Braille-Sense. I guess I was too quick in saying that my hiatus is over, it seems like it may take a while yet.
I really don’t know for sure what exactly happened or why but I must be some genius in destroying hard drives in no time I guess, maybe I could make some money with this unique ability, I suppose it’s the drive not working, well, Olek does, I have no freaking idea. Won’t be getting into details since that doesn’t matter here anyway and I’m fed up with tech stuff but my computer was perfectly fine in the morning, to completely stop working in like two hours time. Things started crashing big time and finally it just switched off and there’s no way you can get it going again for longer than 30 seconds. Olek was trying to help but couldn’t figure it out and I suppose it requires someone more knowledgeable. I’ve been really stressed out by all that computer chaos going on for over half a year and now I feel massively frustrated and like there is some major emotional overload pending, it’s extremely mentally exhausting.

Question of the day (7th November).

What’s the best and worst thing that happened this week?

My answer:

For me, the best is definitely that Misha is feeling better and seems to be gaining weight even. The worst would probably be that my laptop is becoming less and less reliable which is stressful and kinda unpredictable.

How about your week? πŸ™‚

Grrrrr! I just hate such things happening! 😭 😞 😱 Ughhhh! :/

Hi guys.

I was just about to do the song of the day post for today but it looks like I won’t be able to do it. The song I planned to share with you is for some reason only available on Spotify, not Youtube or even SoundCloud or anywhere that I know of, and neither I have it in my personal collection so I can’t even simply give you the Dropbox link or anything. And as we are at that, I think it’s so very exclusive, because then people who don’t have Spotify can’t listen to the whole song unless they sign up, I am not sure if it really helps their marketing, ’cause to me it looks rather discouraging, but that’s another thing and not what I’m so concerned, frustrated and anxious about today. The reason is, my Spotify stopped working completely! ANd I just need to rant plus maybe I’ll be lucky and someone who might have any idea what’s up with it will stumble upon it and be so nice to give any hints. I think there was some update to it yesterday because when I opened it on my PC, it looked like it’s going to update, but then there was a message that the installer isn’t working or something like this, I can’t remember what exactly it said, anyway I had the option to try again or cancel the update. When I tried again, it was just the same and Spotify wasn’t able to update, so I cancelled it and it just opened in the older version that I had installed. But the same happened again when I ran the app later that day, and then today as well. So finally I decided I will reinstall it and maybe that will help. So I uninstalled it and downloaded the latest version, and tried to install it, but every time I open the installer, it just closes after a little while without installing Spotify or even without any information like that something is wrong, it just closes. I still have the installer to an older version, from the last time I installed Spotify on this laptop, so I tried to run it, and when I did it, and every time I try to do it, it looks as if the installation was in progress, progress bar is showing, then it looks like the installation is complete, and it suddenly closes, but the application isn’t actually installed.

I even got my Mum to look at it, thinking that maybe there is something my screen reader isn’t able to read, but she said it’s just that – you open it, and it closes, without installing.

I looked around the Internet if anyone has similar problems after the last update but I couldn’t find anything that seemed relevant. I even thought that maybe they stopped supporting Windows 7 and my laptop is still running on Windows 7, but when I looked at the list of systems Spotify supports win 7 was included plus it would be rather malicious of them to stop it at this point because I guess there are still many people using computers with win 7.

It drives me crazy! Well, any kind of tech issues drive me crazy, regardless whether I have any clue what to do about them or not, even though I am not that very techy, although my Dad thinks I am probably the most techy person in the world hahahaha. But it drives me particularly crazy! because I just need Spotify and I need it on my PC! You could think if I have my own huge collection of music it shouldn’t be that important, but it is, even just because I like to explore new music, and because I can’t have everything I like in my collection, and there are also other reasons for it.

I wonder what I can do with it now. If I had some constructive information about what’s wrong, maybe I could do something to eliminate the issue, but when it just closes… yeah, just frustrated. I hope it’s solvable and that I won’t be left without the desktop version.

Maybe I’ll get Olek to have a look at it after work, (Olek is the techiest person in the world in Mum’s opinion) but I am slightly apprehensive keeping in mind that the last time I had some computer issues – in August, when I had such a long so called hiatus from blogging for over a month – it was Olek who screwed it up even more, of course genuinely trying to help, but, you know… I’m not sure whether I want to be without the computer for another month just because Spotify is not working. Grrrrrrr my brain is turning upside down. Why do such relatively small things make me an anxious mess? Recently me and my Mum have been thinking a lot about my apparent autistic traits (that’s a thing for another post that I’ll perhaps write but now don’t feel perfectly comfortable with it yet), and now when I have a situation like this I can definitely see them, those that I don’t normally notice every day, like that in fact I do have some routines, which maybe aren’t so very very inflexible, but still i hate when something major interrupts them. I just hate changes, even relatively minor like this, but more or less important to me, although that’s no secret to me, I never liked changes, and just thinking about this, noticing these things in me I mean, makes me feel kinda depressed for some reason. I hate that even such little things can sometimes affect me so much, and I think that if my brain won’t slow down after a while, I will have to quiet it with my anti-anxiety med to stop overthinking this constantly, and I wouldn’t like to be forced to do this because… it would feel like I can’t even manage such small things on my own, without some bloody pills.

Anyways, if by some miracle anyone has an idea what could be the reason of this peculiar behaviour of my Spotify (other than it simply revenging itself and sulking at me) I’d be very grateful if you’d share them. I even tried to be diplomatic and talk to it in Swedish since it is Swedish, and I like talking to everything, but it is still not one bit more conciliatory. Rant over. Thanks a lot for reading, regardless of if you have any ideas or not, it always means a lot to me. πŸ™‚ And sorry if it is slightly chaotic.

I’m back!!!! A little ramble.

HEY HI PEOPLE!!!!

How have you been doing? πŸ™‚

Yes! Fortunately, or not, depends on who you’d ask, I’m still alive. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for so freakin’long, but, if I’m honest, there was little to no influence I had on it. As you probably know from my earlier posts, my laptop got screwed up, I guess it wasn’t anything major, but I wasn’t even able to use my screen-reader, so it needed to be fixed, and also it’s just plain old so it needed some refresh in general. It wouldn’t last so long if I’d send it right away to the company I finally sent it to, they’re a company mostly distributing specialised equipment for the blind across the country, but they also do servicing sometimes. I sent my previous laptop to them and they did a brilliant job. But before I sent this one to them, I tried with my local IT specialist, who doesn’t have a clue about screen-readers nor anything typhlo it-related, but I hoped he’ll be able to fix it. He wasn’t. And then when I finally decided to send it to that company, there even were issues with the post office, so the actual fixing was the shortest of all that.

It was so frustrating to me, and I was bored to death. Also wasn’t doing well mentally with very very high anxiety and quite a huge mood dip, which I’m still not fully out of.

Maybe you remember I wastrying to blog from my Braille-Sense, but it turned out to be not a good idea, because it was freezing so often it was way too arduous, especially when it was freezing so badly that I had to reboot it and write stuff from the beginning.

I’ve got a new keyboard to my laptop – as well as some other new stuff and while it’s good, I find it a bit hard to get used to all the changes – I actually never had any problems with my old keyboard and it was just fine, but the guy who serviced my laptop suggested I’d rather get a new keyboard because in his opinion it’s getting old and uncomfortable. This new one’s pretty cool, although I guess the Space key is somewhat sluggish or I’m just typing too fast or too gently, or maybe it just needs time, anyway if you’d see some words without spaces you now know why, sorry, I’ll try to reduce it but I may not notice everything.

So to finally step away from the IT, I’d like to update you on two little things, that in fact are pretty big and new to my life.

First thing is sad, or actually part of it is very, very sad. This week I had therapy on Monday – I now have it on Mondays, not Fridays – and after that as we were riding back home, we drove past the stud where I’d been horse riding, but havent’ for like half a year or even longer, at first because of some health issues I had myself, then exams, and then my tutor being busy and – as it turned out, having financial and other issues, hence she didn’t get in touch with us for so long. So Mum said maybe we’d look for her and ask what’s going on, if something happened, ’cause you never know, maybe she lost our phone or just waits for us to contact her… I agreed it is a good idea and she just went on her own to look for her and Mum told me she – my riding instructor – was kinda emotional, she was telling her about the issues they’re having, looking quite miserable, which just astonished me so much, because she’s always such a dynamic, spontaneous and lively person. And Mum asked her whether then there is any possibility I could get back to riding at her’s, because it’s highly unlikely we could find someone as versatile and knowledgeable as her. And she then bursted with tears, as my Mum said, which is even more not like her. And she told Mum that my horse, I mean my regular horse on which I was riding most often, and for longest – he died… From what she said it had to be a while ago, but she still can’t get over it, neither can I, although somewhere in the back of my head I had a creepy suspicion that that might be the reason why she isn’t contacting us. My Mum told her something scary, that for me it doesn’t matter on which horse I ride, I just want to stay in her stud. I mean yes, I still want to ride despite my lovely “little” horse died, but it sounded so insensitive to me when Mum repeated it to me, as if I wouldn’t care at all. I do a lot, and can’t accept it either. My Mum didn’t intend to say anything bad though, she just doesn’t realise how you can have the bond with a horse, she’s afraid of them and doesn’t understand them at all. I’m only glad that ŁoΕ› didn’t have any particular illness that killed him, he was just very, very old, although when I last saw him he had bronchitis and I was scared it was that and that he could live even a little longer if not that. But luckily it wasn’t bronchitis. I so regret I couldn’t even say goodbye to him. I kinda feel like some little part of my soul has died, only a little one thankfully, because we weren’t always training regularly, and it was only an hour a week, nevertheless a very important part, and i feel weird without it, thinking I’ll never see him again. 😦 It made me think a lot about Misha, and what will I do if he dies. That would be so scary if I left him. And I think a lot about my instructor, she was so bonded with him, they were like one, they knew each other so well and trusted one another so much that it was visible even to me. NO wonder she’s devastated. 😦

And another news is good, I suppose, we’ll see what comes out of it long term. We have a new family member. A new friend for Misha. A first real life animal friend for Misha. It’s another Russian blue, he’s not even 4 months old, it’s his first day with us, and his name is Sasha. He’s a complete opposite from Misha. He’s very very cuddly, purring very loudly, while Misha’s purr is rarely heard if you don’t lie very close and tight to him, and he’s very brave. He’s already adapted I suppose. And it’s just a day. In Misha’s case, he didn’t let anyone come closer to himfor a day, and meowed desperately and heartbreakingly for like two weeks I guess. And my Mum says he’s never fully adapted, as he’s still so timid and incredibly anxious and would rather be alone. I just think it’s the way he is, and he wouldn’t change anywhere.

We – me and Zofijka – saw an interesting relationship between our cats and us two. You see – Misha is officially my cat, because it is me who is his actual owner and buyer. Unofficially, he used to be mine and Zofijka’s, so that she wouldn’tbe jealous, though of course everyone here likes Misha at least a bit, gives him snacks so in practice he’s the cat of all of us obviously. Now though as Sasha is with us, he’s a bit more Zofijka’s than anybody else’s, just like Misha is a bit more mine. And here’s what we saw.

Me and Misha are incredibly similar to each other, and now it turns out so are Zofijka and Sasha are too very similar personalities. There has to be something true in what my Mum says that the cat is just like it’s owner. πŸ˜€

We – me and Misha – are both Aquariuses, to begin with, his birthday is just two days before mine, we’re both loners, tend to be anxious and avoid other beings than each other and some safe people, but practically I don’t know if we haveany really completely safe people, there’s always risk involved, right? We both like and want to be close with others in theory, but in practice it’s way too scary to even try so we run away before we even can be touched, unless there are some special circumstances. We both HATE strangers and spend hours isolated from the world after a major stress. We’re both sensitive, we both hate noises and being completely lonely without anyone else in theΒ  house. We’d rather be with someone, but a proper distance needs to be kept, usually. We are both night owls. We both have quite acute senses, though in Misha’s case it’s more visible, however I don’t know how much of it is his own trait and how much is just because he’s a cat, and a Russian blue, still, he’s very alert and acts a bit as if he was overstimulated sometimes and then he either retreats or gets kinda elated. We both are curious and like to observe our surroundings carefully, but again, preferably from some distance, as it makes for a much better view. We both can walk very quietly (well unless there isn’t anything unexpected standing somewhere on the way, as for me πŸ˜€ ) which is useful for the above mentioned observing surroundings, even though neither of us intends to “slink” really, and is funny sometimes because people are deaf and dont’ hear us so they get scared as if we were ghosts. We both are somewhat picky and whimsical which manifests itself in different things for both of us. etc. etc. etc… boy, he was even born via Caesarean section just like me. And we’re both accused of being haughty while we’re not. πŸ˜€ And we highly value our privacy. I strongly believe he has quite a good sense of humour, and so (as I strongly believe) do I!

We can’t say much about Sasha at this stage, but what we know makes him a perfect match for Zofijka already. They’re both Gemini, Sasha’s birthday is actually a week after Zofijka’s. They’re both very brave and adventurous – so is Misha, but in a different way, Misha’sΒ  more of an escapist, as I see it. They’re boh very playful and energetic, Sasha is much more energetic than Misha. I always thought Misha is like a volcano, but in comparison to Sasha, he is almost like an old guy, I think though Sasha will energise him a bit, he needs it. Both Sasha and Zofijka are quite big for their age, not very big, but slightly bigger than the norm would predict, he’ll be bigger than Misha when he grows up probably. They both like to be in the centre of attention, like making friends. They’re both cuddly and crave a lot of love and warmth. They both eat like horses and seem to like changes, I can’t say it about Sasha for sure, the more that Russian blues apparently rather don’t like them.

I think maybe Sasha will be able to in a way replace ŁoΕ› for me, he came into our lives just in the right moment, and very suddenly. My Mum just in one of her frequent impulses phoned Misha’s former breeder and asked if she could make a reservation for a second cat. He said that it actually won’t be necessary, because there’s a little one who should’ve be taken to a new home, but the guy who wanted him didn’t come despite a few days passing. So we had him home just the very same day.

What I’m worried about is Misha. He seems to be very unsettled. He has never seen a single cat before other than from the window or on the TV or pictures or stuff. Heseems to feel rejected, and afraid of Sasha, even though he’s older, and Sasha doesn’t care much about Misha’s hostility and wants to play with him, or just ignores his uncle happily – yes, Misha is Sasha’s bio uncle hahaha. Despite he’s afraid though, Misha protects his territory quite fiercely and we can see emotions flooding through him. Man I didn’t know he can make such creepy sounds. He just growls at him, not even just hisses. It sounds scary. Old, scary, possessed uncle Misha. πŸ˜€ I want my little Misha back. I’m kinda afraid he won’t accept him, but try to think positively, after all everyone would be unsettled seeing some being of their own kind after nearly 3 years of peaceful life as The One And Only. And it’s slightly better than it was in the morning or last night.

OK, so it would be all from me for now I guess. Hope I’ll be finally able to write the daily series posts and some more tomorrow.

So happy to be back at the blogosphere. Missed y’all terribly.

I’m gonna check what our little kids are doing and maybe one of them would be willing to sleep with me, at least Sasha, I guess Misha is still too overloaded to be able to think about sleeping with someone, he’s even barely eaten today.