Question of the day.

What is one thing that your parents taught you, that later turned to be totally wrong?

My answer:

For me it’s generally so that it’s my Mum who is more of an authority for me than my Dad, and our views on a lot of things are generallyy very similar, which is extremely fortunate since we live together and do a lot of things together so it would be tricky if we were clashing a lot more, and it’s not as smooth for a lot of other families I know, but also when I want to talk to her about something that I don’t agree with her on or confront her about something she’ll be able to have an open-minded discussion, and she’s also not the type of person who would insist on always being right and never was, she is capable of saying things like “I’m sorry, I really thought it was like this but now I know it’s not”, or we’ll simply accept that we’re on totally different pages about something and move on. My Dad, meanwhile, is more of an authoritarian type, rather than authoritative, he has generally a problem with admitting anything wrong on his part in any relationship, so he always insists on being right, but because like I said I’ve always seen my Mum as more of an authority, and Dad wasn’t involved so much in our upbringing and was more the breadwinner, even if he did tell me things that I was supposed to somehow learn or believe in, I would usually take it with a wee grain of salt from quite early on, because Mum was always more right, and sometimes what they were saying was right down contradictory. πŸ˜€ It’s not that I didn’t take my Dad seriously, I do for example consider him my go-to expert in geography or the history of WWII, he was just simply a bit less of a role model for me. I remember that my Dad would often say very generalised, stereotypical things about people, from a very narrow point of view. For example, I can vaguely recall asking him about what does a philosopher do exactly, and he said something like that nothing really, philosophers just think all the time, about things that don’t need that much thinking anyway. I think I found it interesting that someone would do nothing but think all the time and about meaningless things and consider it a valid job, so I guess I must have been asking some more questions or something, anyway what I can recall very clearly is that at some point he said that a philosopher is someone with whom it’s really difficult to communicate. I don’t think I know any philosophers, but whenever I think about it now as an adult I find it funny, where did he even get that from? I’m pretty sure it can’t be the case or even if it often might be, it certainly isn’t the fact that someone is a philosopher that makes them difficult to communicate with, or maybe it’s just difficult for the other side to communicate with them because they have a different way of thinking. Anyway, things like these, my Dad has a lot of such assumptions. Often, when you’ll talk to him calmly without trying to impose your point of view, and try to get him to think on his own, he can see beyond them, but some are really deeply ingrained, and yes, that has a harmful potential, because stereotypes can be very harmful, but usually the main reason why I think it’s such a pity is because it makes his thinking quite inflexible, and his view of people must be rather uninteresting, while I think that people, as much as they are a pain to socialise with and totally regardless whether I like them or not, are interesting as such in their diversity and complexity.

How about you? πŸ™‚

Billy Lockett – “Covered In Chaos”.

So, guys, I’ve planned in advance what I was going to share with you today as part of the song of the day series, but just now, after posting Jack Cullen’s song, him being one of my most newly considered faza candidates, I had a sudden realisation. I’ve never showed you the most promising faza candidate so far. I mean, he’s no longer an actual faza candidate, he was a potential one back in March, but he used to be a very strong one and I haven’t had a better option ever since.

His name is Billy Lockett and he is from Northampton. He is a classically trained pianist, although he makes pop, mostly acoustic, music, (mostly sad songs about love πŸ˜€ ). Yeah, super normal, I know. But I really liked him. Actually, I still absolutely do! He just never ended up being my next faza subject, although it was very close to that. After all, although I really desperately need a new faza, I am kind of glad it was this way.

Of course I came across Billy on Spotify, and what first made me interested in him was his bio, which I think was written in an interesting way – it’s not bragging about yourself in third person but is actually quite raw and seems very natural. I’ll actually paste it here, hope it’s not illegal or something, just like I mentioned it’s from his artist page on Spotify so you can’t find it there as well:

 

Hello I’m Billy Lockett. I’m a piano man. I grew up in Northampton with my crazy hippy dad. He encouraged me to have a career in music. Things started to happen, I was playlisted on Radio 1 and went on tour supporting Birdy, Lana del Rey and KT Tunstall.

Dad died. I stopped everything and came back home. Went off the rails a bit. Got a cat. Spent the next 2 years in the cellar of my dad’s house writing songs. Grew an afro accidentally.

Moved to probably the smallest room in London. Played every open mic night in the city for a year. Sold out my first headline show. Got signed. Cut afro off. Went off the rails again. Got help. Performed on Made In Chelsea as Josh’s baby shower gift to Binky (obviously).

Toured with Lewis Capaldi and Electric Light Orchestra. Put my own tour on sale. Sold it out. Broke up with my label. Broke up with my Girlfriend (well, she dumped me…on WhatsApp).

Moved back to my dad’s old house (with cat). Wrote and recorded Reset EP. Became mates with James Corden. Performed live on the Late Late Show. Got new managers. Self-released a modern classical piano-only album. It charted and got played on Classic FM. At the same time a DnB track I sang on was getting played on Radio 1. Made History as the first artist to do that.

Put Reflections EP together. Loved every song. Felt empowered. The songs were written during a darker time. But now I’m feeling really good. This EP is me reflecting on how far I’ve come, and to celebrate where I’m going..

I listened to him and thought his music was really good and very emotional and, even though it’s all about love, mostly romantic love, which is something very foreign to me, it somehow struck a chord with me and I thought it would be super cool having a faza subject like this, and also who has a cat. I also really like the name Billy, so, well, why not?

The song I’m about to show you moved me particularly much and I thought it must be about his late dad. I read somewhere that, again, it’s to do with a breakup or something, but I am nevertheless sticking to my theory that it must be about his dad and saying that it’s about breakup is just more mainstream-friendly, it just doesn’t make sense as a breakup song. Then again I’ve never been through a breakup, and, based on how many songs about it and similar topics he has, he must have a lot more experience, which I feel deeply sorry about.

What I liked about him next was that I saw something he did on YouTube. He went on the streets and asked people anonymously what do they think of Billy Lockett’s music. I thought that was so brilliant and did requite some distance to yourself, and he seemed to even handle the criticism well although some of it was rather harsh to me. I also found some interview that was made with him, which was all about things to do with sleep. And he mentioned a very relatable quote there: “Sleep is like a cat, it only comes to you when you ignore it”. It is from “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn. I didn’t know neither the quote, nor have ever heard about Gillian Flynn, but thought if he even quotes something like this, he must be some sort of an akin soul to me. πŸ˜€

Even though I find love the most boring and unrelatable song topic in the world, I also quite liked the melancholy of his music, and his piano play.

But I felt really ambivalent for the first few days after learning about him and didn’t really know whether I am going to have/having a faza on him or not, so that’s why I didn’t write about him on here right away, and later on it all just really faded.

In the end, just like I said, I guess it’s actually a good thing I didn’t end up having a faza on him. With all my respect and liking for Billy, I think it wouldn’t last all that long anyway, as it wouldn’t be all that inspiring and brain nourishing as my previous ones have been.But such small, short-lasting or even not fully developed fazas are useful, pleasant and fun too, and can be helpful with some self-exploration. Also it was nice to have such a light in the tunnel during the time without major fazas.

Anyway, here is this song of his that I find the most moving, it is definitely my most favourite song of his and I love that it is about a different kind of love, or so I think it is. πŸ˜€

Question of the day.

Hi people! πŸ™‚

What was the last thing you got angry about?

My answer:

Minor trigger warning first, just in case: mention of self-harm urges, not actual self-harm.

*******

I got badly angry today and I still sort of am, but I’m not sure I can write about this at this point. First because it’s too fresh and I don’t want to write things I may regret later, and I am just having too much of a jumble in my brain at the moment so I don’t really know how to put it anyway, also I don’t feel too well physically at the moment, I don’t know, feels like I’m going to have a migraine soon, though I’ve taken the migraine med so hopefully it’ll go away before it starts properly. So I’m not really up to writing a whole long essay which it would probably be if I wrote about it in detail. πŸ˜€ Anyways, it’s nothing major, just happened to be very upsetting to me and is to do with my Dad. Thankfully I’m on my own at home for the evening so I can recharge a bit. I also am (or rather, to be exact I should probably say something like I know I should be) proud of myself though because I really felt like cutting as I’ve been feeling quite overloaded with awful feelings after that Dad thing and still am, though a bit less because I’m alone so that helps that I am not having any witnesses of how I’m feeling or anything and helped me to recover a bit, but didn’t cut in the end and don’t feel a strong urge to do so anymore, so that’s always some achievement. On the other hand I didn’t do anything else to let out the feelings either, except for writing a little here, as I can’t cry or do anything other constructive at this point, so it’s still bottled up and fizzing nicely. πŸ˜€ Maybe it just needs time.

You? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

What personality traits do you share with your relatives/children?

My answer:

I have a tendency to be very suspicious of people just like my Dad, well, actually for him at this point it looks more like paranoia and I can clearly see that he’s getting worse with age so hope that I will not end up like that because it quite bites both for such person as well as perhaps even more so for everyone around. I am also a pessimist like him and generally our worldview is pretty similar, although my pessimism is more defensive than just plain grumpy. I think my sense of humour is also similar to his. We are both introverts and get overwhelmed with things quickly though each of us manifests it in vastly different ways. If the four temperaments theory makes sense, and I think it may, I seem to be something like a rather even mix of melancholic and phlegmatic, and I’ve got the phlegmatic part definitely after my Dad. I think I’ve also got my rational brain after him, like that despite I am generally rather dreamy and imaginative, I can be very down to Earth and sensible when need be, so that my imaginativeness can’t turn into insipid sentimentality and I always keep some distance to things. Although our types of intelligence are rather very different despite that. Ah yeah and I hate changes just like him and neither of us is particularly spontaneous, and we tend to have rather very consistent views on everything that we have views on. We both have some sort of anger issues but each of us of a completely different nature, because while I turn it mostly inwards unless there’s no room, he gets it all out on other people and has meltdowns like a baby, which also get worse with age and due to other factors as well.

Me and my Mum are both deep thinkers, are sensitive and emotional and very empathetic and caring, think way too much, like things that most people either don’t know or don’t like or don’t/can’t appreciate, are individualists, overly self-critical, good listeners, like our own company, though my Mum is generally an extrovert, she likes to share her emotions with other people and is very chatty and exuberant, but still at the same time she feels the need for being just with herself sometimes, is not dependent on others and calls herself wild, used to be very shy and doesn’t have many friends outside of family. We both have our passions that we are enthusiastic about, we are very intuitive and introspective, and I’ve got the melancholic part of my brain after her, as she’s sanguine-melancholic.

And I can be quite a catastrophist after my grandma, though she is much worse and her catastrophism is much more contagious I think.

My Mum also says I have a lot of traits after my grandad, and while we get along very well and he’s the only person who has always stood by me no matter what and he often seems to get me better than other people in my family, I don’t personally feel that we have much more in common in terms of personality than that we are both veeery introverted and nerdy loners, as my grandad has very high ego, and despite he’s always been amazing to me, throughout his life it’s been clear that he doesn’t have high empathy levels and has to be the best at everything and even when he is not, he still is. Oh yeah and I’ve got sleep paralysis after him which is not a personality trait but because of its severity and that it’s stuck to my brain since forever until now it has had some influence on who I am. πŸ˜€

Oh yeah, and my Dad says that I am as smart as my Godmother, which is not necessarily a compliment, not because my Godmother isn’t smart, she is very much, but because I am smarter than him and authoritarian folks don’t like that. I think we do think a bit similarly with my Godmother, because we both tend to overanalyse a lot of things and sometimes take them a bit too literally, but overall I don’t get along with her that well and find her slightly intimidating.

What does that look for you and your family? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

How big is your family, immediate and extended? Is one parent’s side of the family bigger than the other?

My answer:

I guess my family is pretty big, even my immediate family, for today’s standards. Apparently, families with just 3 children or more are officially recognised as “big” in Poland, and we have something called Big Family Card, which entitles members of big families to discounts on public transport or cultural institutions tickets and such. There is my Dad, Mum, me, my brother Olek and my sis Zofijka, and our cat Misha and dog Jocky, but they must cope somehow without Big Family Cards as they don’t travel at all so I guess that’s why they didn’t get them. As for my extended family, well my Dad has four siblings, and my Mum has three, and only one of my uncles on Dad’s side doesn’t have children, all the rest of their siblings do, so in total, on both my parents’ sides, only their siblings’ children/grandchildren, I have… let’s do some counting, it might take a while……… 23 cousins, if I’m thinking right, 27 if you count their spouses since they’re colloquially called cousins too. I think though that my Dad’s family is bigger overall, as his parents have both had many siblings, my gran had like 10 I guess. Or maybe I just have that impression that there is so many of my Dad’s relatives because I don’t know them quite as well as my Mum’s family. I lived with my Mum’s family for most of my life so naturally I’ve seen lots of her aunts and uncles and cousins and all visiting, if not us, then my grandparents, at least so that I know who’s who in theory, but if I’d meet my Dad’s cousin on the street, I don’t think I’d even recognise them, let alone know what their name is or what exactly is the familial relationship between us or what they do for living. My Dad knows all of them though and where they live and what they do, and all the complex affinities. They tend to have kinda unobvious nicknames that they go by, which adds to the confusion, I mean usually Polish nicknames from names are very obvious, but in my Dad’s extended family’s case, their real full names are often quite different from what they’re called, they have a talent for making up very harshly sounding diminutives and spoiling names that are quite pretty in their original full forms. πŸ˜€ I guess in a way this must be a Kashubian thing, as my Dad is Kashubian. Somehow though, I have an impression that while my Dad’s side is bigger, it consists largely of middle-aged to elderly people, unlike my Mum’s side where there are weddings and births happening relatively frequently all the time and there are children of all ages. But still, despite being smaller, my Mum’s family is big, quite interesting and spread all over the country, and a little bit abroad.

How about your family? πŸ™‚


Question of the day.

Hey people! πŸ™‚

Here’s today’s question for you from me. πŸ™‚

Who taught you to write a CV/resume?

My answer:

I had classes at my last school, don’t know in which other countries something like this exists and how you call it but we in Poland call it a bit pompously basics of entrepreneurship, I guess I had it for two or perhaps three years, I don’t even remember now, anyway you learn different things to do with economy, business, having your own business, employment, just all sorts of things to do with entrepreneurship. And I remember very vaguely we were learning to write CV during those classes too. But, actually, by the time we had that writing a CV thing in our syllabus, I was already learning largely by myself, that is, many of my teachers seemed awfully scared of contracting blindness from me I guess, some were actually treating me like an air, which wasn’t making things easier for me with the anxiety and communication difficulties, one seemed actually even more sociophobic than me, or rather Emiliophobic, as his social phobia would only come up in contact with me and he was like almost literally tip-toeing around me as if he thought I’ll kill him if he’ll make me angry, πŸ˜€ and that attitude was really making me very pissed off whenever I saw him. Oh and he was scared of my Mum like hell too. Besides, the vast majority of them were using slideshows a lot or other things that weren’t really accessible for me. So at some point I just came up with an idea that I will teach myself and they’ll send me what they’re doing, the topics of control assignments and such and I’ll be sending the assignments to them and coming to exams. And they very happily agreed to it, as my Mum said it, with great relief, especially my poor Emiphobic history teacher. But that was relief to me too as you can imagine given the above circumstances, even though I did have some really awesome teachers there too. So, going back to that CV thing, I was supposed to tackle this on my own, which was tricky as I had no idea about CV’s whatsoever, those things still confuse me a lot. So I asked my Dad for help, as he’s had a lot of experience, and, practically, it was him who taught me that. But, actually, even though it’s been maybe three years since then, I doubt I’d be able to write a serious CV applying for job without any guidance. I still find all those things rather confusing. But I do have the basic idea at least of what it should be like, haha.

How was it with you? πŸ™‚

Squabble.

There’s been a lot of squabble

in our house lately.

Zofijka’s friend’s been coming a lot to us to play with her this week. They can play well, but they are both completely diffeerent and they’re often arguing. They literally change their minds about each other every minute, which can be both funny and annoying for an outside observer. Everyone around needs to be engaged in their squabbles, and that can piss you off at times, however we’ve learnt to look at it with some distance now.

What worries me much more is that my Dad is recently in a very squabbly mood. Usually the person he argues with is Mum but now he can literally find a reason for a squabble in anything, even things that he liked before are now wrong, all is wrong, every reason for complaining is good and every reason for starting an argument is good for him, and he is generally very conflictive, shouty and irritable. Don’t know what’s going on. I do know though that it pises me off greatly. Recently whenever he gets back from work the atmosphere in our house becomes heavy and unbearable, and I’d say rotten, if you can define atmosphere this way in English.

What pisses me off even more is that today is Father’s Day. Couldn’t he hold back his moods just for today? Why are we supposed to accept it? Zofijka runs to him – “Daddy, Daddy, happy Father’s Day!” – and he stands like a marble statue and only mumbles – “Uhm, tanks”, which honestly sounds more like, “F… off” (well, maybe I’m exaggerating, but it certainly felt discouraging).

I’m particularly mad because of our Mum who is mostly dealing with his moodiness and with whom he argues most often and says hurtful things without thinking much. I guess he doesn’t mean most of them, but I know it hurts her. Since I got back home four years ago my Mum is very happy because she has someone who can listen to her different dilemmas. And I am happy to be her listener, I like to listen to people, unless they’re not too boring. And because she tells me a lot about how she feels I know that his grumpiness is hard for her to live with sometimes. My Dad isn’t always like that, but can be pretty often and then Mum feels it the most, everyone would feel very uncomfortable in such situation. I’m just so frustrated with him, so I’m making use of the fact that no one of my close family knows English so I can get it out of my brain.

Zofijka has finished her school year yesterday. She has very good grades, as for her. But he didn’t care a bugger about it. I asked him by the way whether he’s seen her grades, but he just mumbled that he didn’t, in a way that showed his lack of caring more clearly than the words would. Again, it’s not his normal attitude to Zofijka, but imo he should at least pretend the interest. That’s shitty. I mean, if he likes being grumpy and not happy with anything, than OK, it’s his choice, he has the right to feel however he wants, but why others have to deal with it too? Such people really drive me crazy.

I hope he will be so kind to consider changing his attitude to others soon, or maybe they’ll send him for a longer route and he’ll come back more communicative. He really annoys me right now and if it wasn’t Father’s Day, I think I would just tell him something abut it, though maybe I shouldn’t. But on the other hand in some way I have more influence on him than the rest of us because he’s always liked me the most of his children, God knows why, I guess because I was his first child, and because most of the time I was away from home so when he missed me, he idealised me or something. I think his irritability is passing on to me a bit, also because I’m having a Zombie day after no sleep at all. I think I’ll cool down soon, anyway what I surely wouldn’t do, I definitely wouldn’t let it out on people around me.

OMG what a rant! That’s normally so not like me! :O I didn’t plan it to look this way.

 

Amason – I Want To Know What Love Is.

We have Father’s Day today. And I thought we need a special song in this mishmashy world to celebrate it. And actually I had quite a dilemma what to pick. Thought about something from Vreeswijk’s repertoire about his relationship with his son, I couldn’t think about any song in all my extensive music collection that would talk about fathers, fatherhood, at least not in the way that I could relate to. Also, my Dad’s music tastes are COMPLETELY different than mine so while me and my Mum can have some common favourite songs or even artists, it’s definitely not possible with Dad. And the purpose of My Inner MishMash is to share with the world things that I enjoy, or that move me in any other way, so there was no way I could share my Dad’s favourite piece. But then I realised there is that song, but, um, how were they called… The F… yeah! The Foreigners! and my Dad likes that song they’ve made, that was such a hit – “I Want To Know What Love Is”. I will forever associate it with him. He says it’s his favourite song. I am not big on the original, for me it’s nothing particular, like it’s not bad, but nothing I could really like.

But, the Swedish band called Amason, have made a cover of this song. And it is beautiful. In fact, I like it enough that I put it into my Swedish playlist on Spotify with my most favourite Swedish songs. I think what makes it so good in their version is the vocalist – Amanda Bergman’s – voice. I really like it. I like how a bit husky and dark it is, but also that she has quite a wide vocal range. So this is my choice for Father’s Day. A sort of compromise between our tastes! And because I listen to this song quite a lot, I often have my Swedish playlist turned on silently at night, my Dad has heard this song a few times before. He says it’s not as good as The Foreigners’, but it’s cool, as for a cover.

Question of the day.

Which is your favourite holiday of the year and why?

My answer:

Honestly? I don’t know if I have any really favourite holiday. I always liked when any bigger holidays came when I was at school, firstly because I could go home, and secondly because I didn’t have to go to school and do all those boring things. But at the same time I’ve always kind of disliked any holidays because then it meant I’d have to be in front of many other people – my family, but still, a lot of them – visit them very often, eat in front of big groups of people, sit behind the table and be so damn bored hearing them talking about the same things every time. Nothing exciting. And now, I have another reason to not like holidays, I feel. My Dad, he’s going just insane recently. I always knew he has paranoid tendencies and is this kind of pessimist who is simply toxic to their surroundings, wanting everyone else to feel what he feels, so not be happy of anything, think what he thinks, like what he likes and do what he does, and very egocentrical at the same time, but I’d never think it would become so strong in his personality. He is just toxic to all of us, of course my Mum suffers the most. And, since we moved to our current house more than a year ago (we lived with Mum’s family on one backyard before) our holidays are just so listless, languid and sluggish and mournful as my Dad is recently. He was resentful for all the world for some reason that only he knows and was either grumbling at everyone, or complaining about anything and everything, or sleeping in front of the TV, or poluting the atmosphere in any other way. I mean, we, or at least me, and I know my Mum too, tried to not care about it and other than that my Easter time was very nice overall, but he just pisses me of so much and, if I’m honest, scares too, and this is the way our holidays look always since we moved here. And not only holidays, but holidays in particular because he doesn’t go to work then, so the only people he can intoxicate are we, although I don’t know if he does it to other people too, or just reserves it for his family. I also don’t want to say he’s all bad when I say he’s more and more toxic and seeing himself as perfect and everyone else as the worst and wanting to harm him, but things are getting worse and worse and he’s getting on my nerves pretty much lately, so that I consciously avoid him all the time, which I didn’t do even a year ago. I’m afraid to think what it will be like in let’s say 10 years, or even sooner…

So yeah, holidays are nice, but I don’t have any most favourite and I am as much glad when they come, as when they are over.

What is your favourite holiday? πŸ™‚

Suspicious.

My Dad is very suspicious

by nature. So suspicious that I often even call him paranoid. He was suspicious as long as I can remember, always thinking that all people around are cheating – on him, on us, on the whole world. Of course, especially media, politicians, health services, Mum, Internet… but in fact, more or less, everyone. He has always had a very hard relationship with Olek – my brother. I’m sure he loves him, but he always treats him like kinda black sheep and whatever he would do is automatically perceived as absolutely wrong. It was always a significant issue and a reason to worry for my Mum.

My Dad isn’t a man you could have a really deep discussion with, as much as I love him I have to admit he has his views, prejudices and so on so any deeper conversations usually won’t make much sense or even may cause an arguement. But even though sometimes it happens that we talk about more deep stuff, as he likes to talk to me. And sometimes I talk to him about what I’ve read in a speciffic topic we are chatting about. And then he is usually like: “Why do you think they are right? Maybe they just want to manipulate people. Maybe they have paid to write this and not anything else?.” And such thinking makes me feel helpless. I mean – sure, there are lots of manipulative people, manipulative strategies in media, some form of manipulation is probably almost everywhere, not necessarily to make us any harm, but if just everyone is manipulative, what should we believe in? Or why actually should we believe in anything? Why does he believe in God? Maybe it’s just one big cheating? You know, I’m not assuming it is indeed, I am Christian as well, but, thinking the way he does… everything looks so pointless, doesn’t it? Just think, everybody is a total cheater, there’s no one to trust in the world, you have only yourself, well, I wouldn’t even be so sure if he actually trusts even himself. It looks so depressive. And thinking about it, about what my Dad’s reality looks like, makes me depressive, even if it’s not really my reality. I am sorry for him that he chose to live in such an unsatisfying way. But I can’t change it. It is only he who could change it and although he’s grumping so often, he doesn’t seem to really want it.

I am also a pessimist although I think my pessimism is more of a defensive kind, you know, I prefer to be ready for the worst even if everything looks like it’s going to be all good, but that’s how different life circumstances made me and I like to think about myself I still have have the ability to be happy and appreciate even pretty small things and I don’t really like to complain in front of other people, I just find it pretty weakish, anyway when I do so. But my Dad’s pessimism, for me, seems to be only all about grumping, complaining about others, about other people’s dogs peeing where they shouldn’t, not doing anything constructive with his life and thinking almost only about bad things that are happening to him. What frustrates me, he never seems to be really glad of anything, or, more exactly, I suppose he must have some moments when he’s at least a bit happy, but he can’t show it and it really can piss off people around him if they try and do their best to make him happy or at least to make him appreciate what we do for him. Personally I feel like he always kinda favoured me the most in comparison to my siblings, so I didn’t feel it that much directly, but I’ve observed my Mum and my siblings who haveΒ  tried a lot to satisfy him and no one and nothing seem to be good enough which makes them discouraged, and me frustrated for them. Now as he is getting older, although he still isn’t old, all these traits seem to deepen, and he doesn’t even see it. I really do love my Dad and with years I’ve learnt how to act with him, but he’s going more and more annoying and challenging for us. As my Mum put it recently while talking with me – he wants to be mentally old. He is in quite good condition physically, but mentally gets old extremely quickly. He’s not even yet in his fifties, but looking only at his personality traits, I doubt anyone could guess it.

But what exactly did I want to say in this post? No, its main purpose isn’t complaining at my Dad, not even letting out my emotions related to him and his difficult and challenging way of being.

What sometimes concerns me, when I think about him, about what he’s like, is that although I think I can’t say I’m grumpy or really overly demanding for people, I see a lot of his traits in myself. actually more than in my siblings. I think, characterwise I am more similar to him than to my Mum, whereas my siblings are rather more similar to her. She says so too. And although of course he has also a lot of good traits, sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid because as far as I can remember I had issues with trusting people, not as he has, but rather in the way I’m always pretty distant to people, even those I want to be close to. I have always had the tendency to be depressive, to overthink, to feel hopeless. I am often very stressed out about small things and always very unsettled by any major changes in life, no matter if good or bad. I am slightly obsessed about my privacy. And I often feel ridiculously suspicious about people in some situations, which can be really mentally exhausting. I know that lots of situations in my life, often very early on, helped my to develop all that and it’s not only the case of just genes or the thing that I wanted to be like this, and my suspiciousness differs from his, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that someday, when I’ll be let’s say the age he’s now, I’ll realise that I am like him. Overly suspicious, cautious and not letting people to like me. That my life will be as hopeless and empty as his is, or seems to be for me. That I will clinge to my stupid daily routines like he does now in fear of just any changes. Luckily I don’t have such temper as he has so I think having such impressional tantrums won’t be my domain. πŸ˜€ It is Zofijka’s. πŸ˜› and actually I always try to avoid this thought because I really don’t like to think about it and I feel like it’s a bit ridiculous to be afraid about such odd things which could only happen in very distant future, , but I can’t help I’m afraid about it. isn’t it a total paranoia to be paranoid about being paranoid in thirty years? πŸ˜€