Órla Fallon – “Siúil a Rún” (Go, My Love).

   Hey dear people! 🙂 


Today, I want to share with you Órla Fallon’s ethereal version of this very popular Irish folk ballad. This is, as you may recall, not the first version of Siúil a Rún that I’m sharing on here, the first one I featured was by Anúna  and in that post I also shared a bit about this song’s background. Others were by Celtic Woman and Clannad. Órla Fallon actually used to be a member of both Anúna and Celtic Woman, and is particularly well-known from the latter. Her rendition of this song comes from her debut solo album The Water is Wide from 2005. 


Question of the day.

   What are you doing for Valentine’s day? 

   My answer: 

   Absolutely nothing. I mean, I’m doing a lot of things, but nothing specifically for Valentine’s. I’m single for starters, and I just don’t really care about Valentine’s anyway. It’s a bit cringey imho. I think I wrote a more extensive post on a similar topics around Valentine’s Day last year, but I was just talking with Mum over breakfast actually how it’s a very bad idea psychologically, because people feel this pressure that they have to do something special with/for their other half for Valentine’s Day or otherwise it feels weird and looks like they don’t love their significant other, even though they show them love every day, just not so spectacularly. And I personally think that it’s wedding anniversaries, or other special day for each couple individually, that should be their day for spectacular manifestations of love. It’s a bit lame and artificial that there is supposed to be one such day for all the lovers in the world. It should be a personal and intimate thing, I believe, then it would feel a lot more significant and less shallow. And then some people who are very sensitive to such things that will not get any Valentine’s gifts or anything like that, who are unhappily single, will only feel sad about it. Hence there was the need for creating a Singles Day or whatever it’s called, so people don’t feel left out. 😀 When the solution could be a lot simpler. And I guess it’s not only singles who might feel left out. What about those couples where one person is into Valentine’s and the other is not and is very uncompromising in this aspect for some reason, so the one who is into it doesn’t get anything and feels unloved? There should be a special day for such people too, to further help the marketing and give media something to chatter about. So for me it’s just a regular day. Unless you want to consider my buying food for Misha a Valentine’s gift for him haha, but it’s just regular food and nothing fancy. 

   How about you? 😕 🙂 

Kathleen MacInnes – “Jimmy Mo Mhile Stor” (Jimmy My Thousand Treasures).

   Hi lovely people! 🙂 

   Last night I was listening to Kathleen MacInnes and suddenly I realised that, in the whole nearly five years of this blog’s existence, I’ve never shared a single song by her, despite I like her very much and she’s been one of the first Scottish Gaelic (Gàidhlig) singers that I came across when starting to acquaint myself with Celtic music, right after Julie Fowlis. So I figured the time has come to change this, and I might share something else by her, we shall see. 

   I might have mentioned that before when sharing Julie Fowlis’ songs but when I first heard Julie Fowlis singing in Gàidhlig on a Polish Celtic music radio station that existed back then, I thought it must be Irish, because I wasn’t familiar with the other Celtic languages back then really, I’m not even sure if I knew they existed, so many people here don’t have a clue. Except it sounded kind of different and it really intrigued me – was it some sort of distinct dialect/accent, so distinct that even I as a clueless noob could hear it? Or maybe it was mixed together with some other language, ‘cause sometimes it sounded almost like oriental. – I don’t know about other countries but here in Poland, in my experience, an overwhelming number of people I come across, when they hear a Celtic language (be it a Goidelic one like Scottish or a Brythonic one like Welsh), they say it sounds similar to something like Arabic or Hebrew or things like that. One of my uncles, when he heard me speaking Welsh, he said it sounded like Hindi. 😀 And like I said even I myself had similar associations with Scottish at the beginning even though now I perceive it totally differently and don’t really get how it could sound oriental to me, it sounds just very, well, Celtic, and it’s way too rustling to sound like Arabic. 😀 It’s kind of sad when I think of it, that so many people can’t recognise Celtic languages, even though they’re right here in Europe, and confuse them with languages that are from such comparatively far away places, not to mention that so many people don’t even know that Scottish is a separate language.

   Anyway, I believe it took some time before I found out that this language is Scottish Gaelic (my English wasn’t all that good in practice back then, mind you, and there isn’t a whole lot of information about Celtic culture or languages available online in Polish compared to English) but even once I did find that out, the language continued to really grab my attention more than Irish and I found it really strange but beautiful in that strangeness. Now, although I still don’t speak it, I’m a lot more familiar with it so it doesn’t sound strange at all and doesn’t make such a jaw-dropping impression on me anymore, but it’s still beautiful, perhaps even more beautiful now. And so there was a time where I’d listen to people like Julie Fowlis, or Kathleen MacInnes and some others, and wonder what their songs could actually be about. I immersed myself in that so much that I actually started to hear Polish words in the Gàidhlig lyrics which was quite funny because it rarely made much sense or sounded absurd to be the lyrics of a song. Or sometimes I heard in it some gibberish words that sounded kind of like they could be Polish neologisms and thought they sounded cool and thought what they could mean if they were real words, or what they actually  mean in Gàidhlig though usually I think these were bits of a few different words since obviously I had no idea when every single actual Gàidhlig word in the lyrics began or ended. With Jimmy Mo Mhile Stor, I particularly remember hearing something that sounded to me like “Farofluriś”, and I thought that was such a cute, if very eccentric word, and I was imagining a creature called Farofluriś and what it would be and look like. I don’t remember much of that anymore except that I thought it would live somewhere among rocks and be very fluffy. Now I think it would be more appropriate for a Farofluriś to live among flowers, because the legit Gàidhlig words that my brain created the Farofluriś are “Far ‘eil fhraichean” (except I think without the last syllable in the last word) which come from the verse that translates into English as ” With flowers aplenty there”. 😀 Also nowadays Farofluriś sounds kind of flowery/flourishing to me lol. 

   Actually, this song is originally Irish. it’s a traditional Irish song, and the Scottish translation is contemporary and written by Seonag Monk. As you will be able to figure out for yourselves from the translation, it is about a girl who longs for her lover, who has gone to sea. 

   As for Kathleen MacInnes, she’s from South Uist in Outer Hebrides so grew up in the Scottish language, and currently lives in Glasgow. In addition to being a singer, she is also a TV presenter and an actress. 

   The translation below comes from Celtic Lyrics Corner, and they do not translate the “mo mhile stor”, because it comes from the Irish original, but I also know that literally “mo mhile stor” means “my thousand treasures”, as a term of endearment, so that’s what I went with for the title of this post. 

   A year ago my heart’s love left me
For faraway places
He’ll never return
til he sees the wide world around
When I’ll see my love coming
I’ll give him all my love
And smother him with honey kisses
Jimmy mo mhile stor
My father and mother
They never can give me ease
I’m tired and fed up
And tormented with this life
I gave my love to the fairest
Without asking I kissed him
And he went off to sea
Jimmy mo mhile stor
I’ll go to the woods
And spend there all of my time
With no one around
Listening to birdsong
Beneath the rowan tree
With flowers aplenty there
Giving love to the most heavenly
To Jimmy mo mhile stor

The Chieftains ft. Lisa Hannigan – “My Lagan Love”.

   Hey people! 🙂 

   For today I chose to share with you this Irish folk song by The Chieftains featuring Lisa Hannigan as vocalist. I really like My Lagan Love because of its beautiful and kind of unexpected melody, and I’ve already shared two instrumental Celtic harp versions of it on here, one by Lynn Saoirse and the other by Lisa Lynne. But I also really like this version in particular because I like Lisa Hannigan’s vocal and it fits this tune really well. The Chieftains are a popular Irish folk band that has been around since the. 60’s, and I’ve already shared one song by them with Maire Brennan on vocals. Lisa Hannigan is also a very popular and well-known artist in Ireland and abroad. 

Siân James – “Os Daw Fy Nghariad” (If My Love Comes).

   Hiya people! 🙂 

   Today I have for you a song sung by Siân James – Welsh folk singer and harpist whose music has already appeared on here several times. – This time it’s her rendition of Gwydr Glas – a traditional Welsh folk song whose two different versions, by Gwilym Bowen Rhys and Mared Williams, I shared in this post, except her version has a yet different melody and some different lyrics. 

Cashmere Factory – “Love Bazaar”.

   Hiya people! 🙂 

   Today I thought I’d share another song from Norway with you all. This time, it’s from an alternative indie group called Cashmere Factory. I don’t really know much about them and haven’t acquainted myself with more of their music so far, but heard that song for the first time last year and I’ve been liking it  a fair bit ever since. 

Cornelis Vreeswijk – “Felicia Pratar (För Mycket)” (Felicia Talks (Too Much)).

   Hey people! 🙂 

   Fairly recently, I shared with y’all a song by Cornelis Vreeswijk called Turistens Klagan and explained in that post how it originally was released in Norway on a double album called Felicias Svenska Suite (Felicia’s Swedish Suite) and why it wasn’t released in Sweden and all that. Well, so today I thought I’d share another song from that album. Felicias Svenska Suite was a concept album, built around the theme of Felicia – a character in the novel Varulven (The Werewolf) by Danish-born Norwegian writer Axel Sandemose – and the song I want to share with you today is about her very directly. 

   From what I hear, many people in Sweden have a problem with this song. It definitely makes sense in a way, because, well, when I first heard it, it made me bristle up a bit too because it just sounded like a fancier way of saying: “Just shut up and have sex with me). Add to that the fact that Cornelis generally does have a bit of a reputation for being all the appalling things like chauvinist and mysoginist (which I personally think is definitely justified, even though some examples on basis of which he’s been most frequently accused of being those things aren’t really valid examples of those specific attitudes in my opinion) and the bristle factor increases. 

   But, I’ve known this song for years now and I don’t really see it like that anymore. After all, I do think that, in a healthy relationship, there should be place (and yes, time to be used) for both of these things – talking with/listening to each other as well as sex and physical intimacy. The two, I’d imagine (since the regular people on here know that I have zilch personal experience so I can just imagine) don’t necessarily go very well together, at the same time. So that’s really how I see it now. After all, it doesn’t really sound like the lyrical subject is trying to force Felicia to do anything, just encouraging, albeit very strongly. It actually seems to me that, in a way, he even enjoys her endless chatting, or at least tolerates it leniently, like people tend to grow to tolerate, and then become accustomed to or even fond of, their other half’s shortcomings. I do agree that there IS a hint of slight but very annoying condescension in it, and I believe he doesn’t even listen to her since we don’t learn what she was talking about so incessantly, but let’s just hope that Felicia is similarly magnanimous as her lover appears to be towards her and can be similarly lenient on those flaws of his and doesn’t take it too personally. 😛 Also I’d think that Felicia generally wants it too, just is a bit apprehensive, perhaps even fearful since he tells her not to be afraid and some people do talk a lot when they’re anxious, perhaps she feels the need to explain or discuss some things beforehand and once she says everything she had to say, she gives into it as well. So while it has the potential to make one feel a bit uneasy, I don’t think we can assume that the lyrical subject’s relation to Felicia is abusive or something, just because it kinda sounds like it could be and because Cornelis’ relationships with women irl often went wrong, because there are no real signs of it in this particular piece. 

   Below is Bibiel’s translation which is probably a bit wrong in a few places. I don’t know exactly what’s the deal with the “dizzy brothers” or who they are lol, but in some other version of this song he sings “thirsty brothers” so I assume this must be some sort of allusion to a song by Povel Ramel called “Törstigaste Bröder” (Thirsty Brothers) which Cornelis had covered as well and which is apparently some sort of parody or something of Fredman’s Epistle 83 by Carl Michael Bellman (Bellman was a famous Swedish 18th century poet and composer by whom Cornelis was very much inspired) which has a crazy ong title that features some three lost brothers, but I’m too ignorant about Bellman to figure this out and what it’s supposed to mean and I’m not even sure if my little theory is true at all. 


Felicia talks and talks
And love hates
All time that is used wrongly
That is lying there, dead and stiff
All the while Felicia is talking in sixteenth notes.

Felicia, come to my bed now
And do not be dressed now
Give me your copper mouth
I’ll drink it like a well
Felicia, do not be afraid now in our moment.

Your sun sets in the south
For dizzy brothers
Who want what they cannot.

Felicia, see your man
And know that he is still glowing
Where he was burning before.

Felicia talks too much,
The lovely thing
Now she’s talking continuously.

But if you kiss her right
She gives in to the pressure and makes love
Till she is satisfied

Delyth Evans – “Carad Pur” (Pure Love).

   Hey people! 🙂 

   And for today I thought I’d also share a piece by Delyth Evans (or Delyth Jenkins as she’s known now) but this time from her album Delta (Cerddoriaeth y Delyn Geltaidd / Music of the Celtic Harp). As far as far as I’m aware, this is a traditional tune. 

Clannad – “Siúl a Rún” (Go, My Love).

   Hey people! 🙂 

   So I’ve shared two versions of this extremely popular Irish song with you this year so far, and I thought today I could share with you another one, from Clannad. I guess this version is also quite well-known and well-liked due to Clannad’s fame. I really like Maire Brennan’s vocals in this song, she usually tends to sing in the higher register, but I definitely prefer her when she sings a bit lower and that’s what she does here. I already wrote a bit on the song itself when sharing the version by Anuna so I recommend you see that post as well if you haven’t and if you’re interested in the origins of it, also their song is definitely worth listening to just as well. 

Celtic Woman – “Siúil a Rúin” (Go, My Love”.

   Hey people! 🙂 

   Last month, I showed you the traditional and very frequently sung by all sorts of folk singers Irish tune called Siúil A Rúin by the famous Irish choral ensemble called Anúna. In that post I also explained a bit about the origins and background of the song. Today, I thought I’d share another version of this song, with a bit different lyrics, also from a probably even more popular Irish group that is Celtic Woman. Celtic Woman have actually recorded several different versions of this song, which is not uncommon for them since their line-up has changed a whole lot so they often re-make their old songs with new members. While it is undoubtedly the older version from their debut album, with Órla Fallon on vocals, that is more widely known and recognisable, today I chose to share with you the newer version, with Eabha McMahon as the vocalist. I can’t say which one I like more, but I chose this one because it has a more rootsy vibe and also I’ve already shared a lot of Órla’s music on here, while only one song with Eabha on vocals. As it happens, Eabha was also a member of Anúna as a young girl before she joined Celtic Woman. 

   Since this song is about a woman’s sorrow because of her lover departing to enlist in the army, listening to this song in this awful time gives me a really strange feeling and makes me see it from a different perspective, as I can’t help but think about all the Ukrainian women, also those many women who have fled here to Poland alone or with children while their men are fighting. Except I guess they have it a lot worse than this Irish lady from the song, because they not only must miss their men and wish to be with them but also worry about their lives, which she doesn’t seem to be concerned about so I guess he’s not actually fighting in a war, just simply chose a military career or something like that. 

Question of the day.

   How did your Valentine’s Day go? 

   My answer: 

   Well, personally I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day. For one thing, I’m single and have always been, so I’ve never really had a reason to celebrate it. The second thing is that even if I was not single, I don’t think I would celebrate it, unless my other half would feel really strongly about it being otherwise for some reason. It’s always felt so awfully fake for me and is clearly not so muchh about love as about marketing and it being a great day for all sorts flower businesses, restaurants and the like. Oh yeah and media as there is something to talk and write about so they don’t have to think too much, just throw lovey-dovey content at people’s poor brains so that their own relationships start to feel even more flawed than ever. I suppose it’s different in countries like the States, but here, sometimes if someone expresses that they aren’t really a fan of this holiday, they’ll be accused of being stiffly conservative and not liking modern holidays and wrongly assuming that Valentine’s is an import from America like Halloween or other such, which is probably because, at least according to my Mum, Valentine’s Day was apparently not a thing in Poland until after the transformation, so 90’s. But I know it’s not a modern holiday, even if it’s new here, and even if it was modern, I don’t have a problem with any holiday solely because of how long it’s been a thing. In general, I totally don’t mind there being a special day for people who are in love, so that they can do something extra special for/with each other, or profess their love, as I can imagine it could be easier to have a day like this than pluck up your courage on some random day in a random situation, or even for steady couples who need something more than just their anniversary to remind them how much they actually love each other and to focus more on each other than on their children. But I don’t like its current superficial form, it looks very exaggerated and often almost forced to me. When we (my siblings and I) were younger, our parents would usually buy us some sweets and wish us Happy Valentine’s Day, and Dad always buys Mum, Sofi and me flowers on this day, same as on our birthdays and Women’s Day. So we got some lovely daffodils from him today. He never gives anything to Olek these days though, probably because he thinks it would feel awkward, but I think as it is it’s a bit awkward too, if you treat Valentine’s seriously you could have thought he doesn’t love him. 😀 And yes, he’s also single (Olek, not my Dad, just in case you’re wondering) so the poor lad doesn’t get anything! 😦 

   So, apart from those traditional daffodils, it’s just been a normal day for me. When we were having breakfast in the morning, Sofi sarcastically asked Mum and me what our plans for Valentine’s are and promptly added that she is going to spend all day with the love of her life – skates – celebrating that she doesn’t have the “morphine” (Marfan syndrome, which she was suspected to have but was tested a few days ago). Mum’s ambition was challenged, as the love of her life is running and she didn’t go running today morning. So, despite she normally doesn’t run in the evenings, she decided not to be worse than Sofi and said she’s going to have a romantic outing in the woods in the evening. I said that me and the love of my life don’t need special days to spend happy times together, and we don’t even need outings to enjoy each other, but Mondays are the days when we’re particularly close for particularly long, and so I’m going to spend ecstatic four hours with the love of my life – yr iaith Gymraeg (the Welsh language). – And that’s what I did, with my other, true blue purrfect Russian lover – Misha – accompanying us for a significant part of our date. Unfortunately, polygamic relationships are logistically complicated, and after a challenging and demanding date with my Cymric lover I was not able to do justice to my Norwegian one, but as I knew that was going to be the case, we had a lovely, romantic, light and not quite so demanding weekend together instead. But again it’s not something extremely unusual as we usually spend weekends with each other. 

   So, how’s your Valentine’s been? Do you celebrate it, or do you do something more like Sofi, my Mum or me, or is it just an average day like any other with no highlights to it? 🙂 

AnúNa – “SiúIl A RúIn” (Go, My Love).

   Hey people! 🙂 

   Today I’d like to share with you a very famous Irish folk song, which is performed by lots of folk musicians, not necessarily just Irish. I think there are many great arrangements of it, with those by artists like Clannad and Celtic Woman being particularly well-known, but I decided, at least for now, to share this song with you sung by Anúna. As is the case with all their music, this song was arranged by twin brothers Michael and John McGlynn, who are directors of this Irish choir. I really like their interpretation of it. 

   Siúil A Rúin is a song with very unclear origins, which was probably initially in Irish in its entirety. It isn’t even clear whether the Irish chorus that is part of it now is actually the only bit of the original that has survived to this day, or whether it has been added later. The song is from the perspective of a woman, lamenting her lover who decided to join the military, whose desire is to follow him so that she could be by his side. In the past, I shared with you a similarly-themed American song called Johnny Has Gone for a Soldier by Kronos Quartet with Natalie Merchant, and that one is actually directly derived  from Siúil A Rúin. 

   Here is what the Irish chorus means:

  Go, go, go my love
Go quietly and go peacefully
Go to the door and fly with me.

Declan Galbraith – “Love of My Life”.

Hey people! 🙂

Today I want to share with you a single from Declan’s second album, Thank You, released when he was 14. Like all of his full-length albums, it contains a lot of covers of pop classics, and not only pop, so based on that you may already be guessing that this is also a cover, specifically of the Queen song. I always think he did a really good job with it for a fourteen-year-old.

Sian James – “Cariad Cyntaf” (First Love).

Hey guys! 🙂

Like yesterday, today I thought we could listen to another Welsh traditional song, also played on the harp, but this one has lyrics. This is a fairly popular love song from a male perspective and has been sung by a lot of folk musicians, the version I myself was first acquainted with was from the band 9Bach, whose music I’ve also shared on here in the past. I guess the most well-known contemporary version of this song has been sung by Bryn Terfel though. The translated lyrics are below, andI’ve taken them from


There is beauty only second to Eden

In your warm bosom, fair maiden.

Dear loved one, bright and happy;

Beautiful star, hear this lovesick one.

Promise your love to me tonight,

We’ll make vows before we leave

To engage, come what may.

Place your trust, and say you’ll come.

Bright happy one,

Love of my breast

Fairest that I ever loved

I will take you as a partner.

In your eyes I have truth

That shines like stars

Of Grace and virtue;

To see you is to rejoice.

Question of the day.

What have you managed to avoid?

My answer:

Well, I have avoidant PD for a reason, so a whole lot of things. 😀 But I suppose one of the more interesting things is that I have managed to avoid falling in love so far. And I don’t have a problem with it, it’s kinda funny that everyone’s talking about romantic love and wanting it and chasing it or healing their wounds from toxic relationships where they’ve fallen in love with the wrong person, most people around my age that I know have been with at least one person already or are even in a steady relationship, or have experienced unrequited love or something like that, and I don’t even really know what it’s like to be in love. I suppose it’s slightly overrated. I’m quite curious what it would/will be like if it would ever happen to me in the future. On some level, about which I wrote not long ago, it does add up to my general feeling of inadequacy in that it seems to be something most people experience multiple times so it’s yet another thing that confirms that I’m not really all that normal, but on the other hand it’s not like I have a special desire to experience love or be in a relationship or have someone love me, if it’ll happen spontaneously (which seems unlikely as I do little peopling), it just will and it’s really cool as long as I’ll be able to handle it properly, if it won’t, it’s maybe even better because I don’t really do well with too much emotional closeness on an intimate level so it’s easier as it is. And as a result, I’ve managed to avoid having sex either. Which I guess is also quite rare in this time when you can find 19-year-old girls wailing over how they’re still virgins. 😀 I think virginity is a really cool thing, and it’s also part of me, so I’m not inclined to get rid of it without a very good reason and having real strong feelings and lots of trust for someone.

On a different note, I have no clue how normal or not normal it is for my age group, but I’ve never ever experienced any heart pain, and I consider myself lucky in that regard, because my Dad has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, and Sofi experiences minor heartaches quite regularly when she’s stressed or overexerts herself. Heart problems is something that always sounds serious to most people so I’m glad I haven’t had to deal with it and fuel my anxiety.

What’s such a thing in your case? 🙂

Rhys Lewis – “No Right To Love You”.

Hi people! 🙂

Yesterday we had a female pop singer Rhys from Sweden/US, and today we’re having a song from a male pop singer from the UK with the same first name. Actually when I first came across his music somewhere on Spotify I thought he must be Welsh, because Rhys is originally a Welsh name and very common there, and Lewis is also a very common Welsh surname, but it doesn’t seem like he has any connection to Wales, he is from England. I am not familiar with all of his music or don’t listen to him regularly, but I like this plus a few more songs of his, and this one seems to be popular with some Polish radio station so I guess his music must be quite well-known at least here in Europe.

Question of the day.

What’s the most difficult thing to define?

My answer:

Just very recently it struck me again how difficult a concept to define is self, and how ideas about what it is may vary depending on loads of things. Another such thing that also got me thinking a while back is consciousness. We talk so much in psychology and even in normal conversations about conscious, subconscious, unconscious, but it seems difficult to clearly define all that. Another such thing is pain, since there are multiple kinds of pains, and even within the same kind of pain everyone will experience it at least somewhat differently, and describe it differently as well, and we don’t even know how different these experiences are one from each other as there’s no objective way of experiencing or even measuring someone’s pain. There are all those adjectives to help describe it, like sharp, dull, pulsating, burning etc. etc. but I guess sometimes they may contribute to the confusion even more so, because what one person would describe as dull, another might not, even if the feeling is more or less the same. Oh, and it’s interesting with love, but not exactly because it’s hard to define in itself, but because so many languages lack words to describe all the different kinds of love you might feel. Like, I don’t get it, all Indoeuropean languages have taken so much from Greek, yet while there are multiple words for different kinds of love in the Ancient Greek language, I don’t know of any other European language that has that sort of distinction. And we were talking with my Mum a while back how it probably contributes to why so many people have trouble with this word and its understanding.

What’s such a thing that comes to your mind? 🙂

Question of the day.

We really haven’t had any questions in a long time, so let’s get into it! 🙂

Whether you are single or in a relationship, why?

My answer:

I am single, and there are many reasons for that. I think mostly because I’ve just never come across anyone that I’d love and want to be with, as simple as that. 😀 I guess it’s quite weird for many people, but I’ve never been not single, have never dated, have never had sex, and have never even been in love. While that kind of reinforces my feelings of inadequacy since it seems to be vastly different for most people, I’m generally okay with that and don’t feel obliged to try to change it, any time soon, or any time at all, unless it comes naturally. Also I guess I still have quite a fair bit of time for it all happening, if it’s supposed to. My Mum considers herself asexual or something like that, she does have sex (obviously, since she has biological children), but has no physical pleasure out of it and no real need for it, we suspect that must’ve been the case with my grandma who has a giant repulsion towards anything even remotely sex-related, but of course back then no one knew about such a thing as asexuality and I suppose if anyone suggested that to her, even that would repulse her, and I guess this could be the case with me (without my grandma’s repulsion though 😀 ) the more that I was also born with some hormonal issues that often do affect such things. I’m not perfectly sure, because like I said I’ve never had sex so if I did perhaps I’d discover that that’s not the case, and then on the other hand I do consider myself a linguophile because I can get slightly turned on by a language that I love, especially right before sleep, haha, but it’s like I said only a slight thing and not extremely frequent, and generally I have an impression that for most people it takes waaaaay less to stimulate them, to the point where it actually often surprises me how little they need. That being said, of course by never having been in love I also mean romantically, yet I definitely do not think I am aromantic. Regardless of whatever might be the deal with me vs all things romantic and sexual, one thing I do know is that all that involves a lot of intimacy, and intimacy is scary as hell for me, whether it’s emotional or touchy-feely.

Another thing is that, aside from me having never found anyone I’d like to be with, I’ve never been aware of anyone who’d like to be with me. 😀 Which is fine as otherwise I guess I’d feel quite hemmed, even if he weren’t pressuring me or anything.

And then there’s also that I really don’t think I’m cut out for relationships anyway. I am very individualistic and, partly due to that, partly due to some experiences I’ve had, I still have a bit of an aversion to even mere words like together(ness) or common. I don’t like compromises, I don’t even know how to do them. If someone wants me to make a compromise with them I’ll usually either keep going my way or turn in the totally opposite direction where they want to go and go right after them. Same as I never knew and never liked to cooperate with people at school at all sorts of projects and stuff. If I knew that people at my group were either rather passive/submissive by nature or simply not good at the subject, I’d do everything for everyone as that was easier and faster than explaining and discussing everything, and I didn’t have much patience for that, plus they were happy, or if there was someone who I knew that they had it all together more than I did and had more of a personality, or a few such people, then I would barely do anything, I just don’t really know how to be in the middle with such things. 😀 Besides, like I said intimacy scares me and how usually people in relationship expect each other to be open. I know and have heard of couples where one person is pretty self-sufficient emotionally, and likes to have a bit of their own space, but the other not so much, and so this other person wants them to do everything together. It would suck if that would be the case with me and my potential husband, especially if we wouldn’t share a lot of hobbies to begin with. And I have a bad feeling, based on a lot of different little things, that if I went into it, I have all the necessary traits and more to end up with someone toxic, or maybe not properly, inherently toxic like narcissistic or something, but perhaps somehow difficult or damaged or something, which, since I have a very particular brain too, could end up making both of us intoxicate each other quite badly. I’m absolutely happy having difficult, weird, complex friends who have had a lot to deal with, but being such a person yourself and having to deal with another such person’s brain 24/7, seven days a week… I’m not this heroic. Also my last therapist, who for some reason was adamant that I need to be in a relationship (perhaps because she was psychodynamic and they’re obsessed with sexuality so she couldn’t help me if I had no sex life 😀 ) was very encouraging and told me that people “like me” usually have toxic relationships. A lot of her words and opinions couldn’t be taken seriously, but I feel she could be pretty right about that.

Then there are the little big things like that I am Christian, more exactly a (traditional) Catholic, and some stuff that is important for me is less and less important for other people, like such a trivial thing as actually marrying properly and not just going steady or however people call that in English. On the other hand, I don’t want to (and possibly cannot, due to the pituitary stuff) have kids, which on the other hand is usually what people with values similar to mine definitely do want.

Speaking of kids, I would be worried that I wouldn’t have much to offer the potential guy in question. I mean yeah, I have a lot of brains to choose from, people usually consider me interesting or fascinating or something like that, and judging from everything I seem to be considered a good listener, I am empathetic and I think I have a, weird sometimes, but still good for some, sense of humour, I seem to have the sort of shape that apparently appeals to males the most, being skinny and curvy and have reasonable looks, but generally, that’s about it. I can’t do a lot of practical things, I can’t cook, I can’t do a lot of other household stuff or can’t do it well, I don’t want to/can’t have kids, I don’t want to have sex, I can’t drive, I can’t get around outside by myself, I only have a part-time job with a minimal wage which will be over as soon as my Dad retires, I don’t do people… Yeah sure, there are interabled couples, but from what I observe, usually the disabled person is more autonomous than myself. Also when it comes to visually impaired/blind people, I’ve seen research claiming that there is a lot more couples where there is a sighted girl and a visually impaired guy than the other way around, which makes sense and is reflected among people I know. So, I just don’t see it (pun quite obviously intended). I could still be with someone blind, but I don’t want to for several reasons, plus I’ve spent ten years in a blind school where naturally a lot of people were dating at some point, and none seemed interested in me either, unless in the role of a relationship counsellor. 😀 Which is, actually, quite interesting, because a weird amount of people comes to me with their relationship woes, as if I had any idea about that. But I try to help as best I can. Maybe it’s actually exactly this that brings them to me, that I have like an outside perspective or something. Anyway, even if there was someone who would accept the downsides and want to be with me, I, knowing myself, would probably still have a problem feeling inferior in such an unbalanced relationship, unless I’d feel that there is some field(s) in which I could compensate adequately.

So, all in all, while the unquenchable Aquarius in me is definitely curious what it could be like being not single for a change, I don’t really feel like I actually do want to change it in practice.

Oh, and yet another reason! Dating sounds freakishly stressful from what I hear. I’d probably have to sleep two days in a row to recharge afterwards.

So how’s it with you, and, more importantly, why? 🙂