Question of the day.

Do you have a mind for science and math? Would you consider yourself an intellectual? My answer:
I was never particularly good at science at school, if it can indicate whether someone has a mind for science or not, I was quite average. I wasn’t also particularly outstanding at biology or chemistry, and was as lame, hopeless and clueless as you only can imagine at physics and maths and hate it with all my brain. Me and my Mum actually tried very hard to get me a certificate for dyscalculia as one of my teachers suggested, but the woman who evaluated me told us that yes, I theoretically match the criteria but for some reason blind people can’t be diagnosed with dyscalculia, but I didn’t actually get out of her why exactly. If not, it’s OK, but then why won’t they adjust things so that they would be more manageable for those blind people who struggle with mathematical concepts? As far as I know it’s not just me, although I seem to be the most hopeless case of those I know of. ๐Ÿ˜€ A bit incomprehensible for me that they don’t want to cooperate more, and incredibly annoying, but very luckily it’s all the past and I don’t have to worry about that shit anymore!!!!!!!!!
However, I still do like some things about science, and I would say my approach to many things is rather scientific. I don’t like this division – that some fields are scientific, and some are humanities and arts so they completely aren’t scientific, or that some people have scientific minds, while others have humanist/artistic. I think most of those fields that are called humanities or arts are also scientific more or less, and moreover, often people who work in these fields have scientific minds too. Like I often hear people saying that for example psychology is a humanist field, so not scientific. But I think it’s a great deal of both. Same would be music, social sciences, politology, linguistics, many arts, and so on. So, I’d say I lean more to those fields that many people would call not scientific but rather humanist –
like languages, writing, music, etc. but I often involve in them with quite a scientific approach. Particularly when it comes to languages and how I learn them and how I understand various language concepts. I’ve also had people telling me that actually my way of thinking seems pretty scientific to them, and my Mum constantly keeps saying that I’m analysing way too much stuff and should become a philosopher, and it always pisses her off for some reason when I do so. ๐Ÿ˜€ I easily notice similarities in things even those that are apparently unrelated to each other which sometimes leads me to quite surprising conclusions. I like deducing lots of things rather than getting to know them straight as they are from someone. I like researching stuff and when something really interests me I can be incredibly inquiring to the point of nosiness at times. ๐Ÿ˜€ After all I am an Aquarius and all that seems to be characteristic for this zodiac sign. I guess all that can be also called characteristics of a scientific mind. Plus I also am into psychology, medicine, human brain, and some other things that are to do with science by their nature, and if I would see I would be a neurosurgeon for sure. And I’m a bit geeky/nerdy overall.
As for being an intellectual, hm, I’m surely intelligent, people often say that above average, but it is mainly my Mum, who is certainly not objective. ๐Ÿ˜€ But yeah, I myself too like to think that I am intelligent, and I think most of my interests and things I do require some intellectual potential as well as develop it further. I certainly like to do things with my brain and I like intellectual challenges. When there were still social classes that were significantly divided in Poland my Mum’s family were intellectuals, and this is still visible in what they are like, both my grandparents are very intelligent and so are they children, and they have always respected intellectual work and have a lot of comprehensive knowledge even if not all of my grandparents’ kids have graduated from unis because they simply didn’t want to, like for example my Mum started studying pedagogic but stopped very quickly because she just realised it’s not for her, and her true dream was to work in gastronomy, which isn’t something very intellectual, but anyway she was never able to achieve it either. Most of my Mum’s family are also naturally witty people and appreciate a good, but not too simple joke which seems to also be a trait of intelligent people. I think I have a lot after my Mum’s family, that I like to learn, even if these aren’t conventional things you can learn at school, ’cause I am absolutely fed up with education system overall as I said before. I’ve also learnt a lot, particularly from my Grandad, who, although he is a food technologist by profession, has also been very keen about medicine and he taught me a lot about different aspects of it, practically anytime we talk I learn something new. ๐Ÿ˜€ I also think I have some sense of humour after them, be it in the way I can see lots of absurd in many life situations whee an average person wouldn’t see anything particular, or in the fact that I like making people laugh, have, or try to have some healthy distance to most of things and laughing off stuff is my life coping strategy in many situations, I am also often sarcastic and cynnical just like my grandad and my Mum, though each of us in a bit different way. So I think I can call myself an intellectual.
How about you? Do you like science, or have a scientific mind? How about math? Do you think about yourself as an intellectual? How does it all manifest in you? ๐Ÿ™‚

Gwilym – Catalunya.

Hi! ๐Ÿ™‚

I suppose most of my readers if not all already know about my music crushes and that my currently most dominant one is on Gwilym Bowen Rhys. It’s another Gwilym today though. Gwilym, being one of traditional and quite classic Welsh names and surnames seems to be quite popular there, but I was quite surprised that this Gwilym is actually a band – a very fresh and young, band and already pretty successful on their local scene – which, funnily enough, consists of, as far as I can remember, four guys, but none of them is called Gwilym. ๐Ÿ˜€ I was quite curious why they chose such a name for their band, since Gwilym is also one of my favourite Welsh male names, but I still don’t know.

Anyway, so far I know their three songs, I suppose it’s all they’ve done so far, and I like all of them, they’re pretty catchy, and cool, in some cases I would say catchiness isn’t that much of an advantage, but in their cases it certainly is. This is their newest song that has gained a lot of attention in Welsh language media and all around the Welsh language music scene, or so it looks for me as an outsider. Here it is:

Does anyone else love suitcases?

Hhrrru?

It’s Misha. I’m a little sad today. Zofijka’s going on a camp for an entire week. Yes, I know, I know, I’ve said many times that I am afraid of Zofijka, and I am, a bit, but I still like her, there’s no one else who plays with me as much as she does, and I would sleep all the time and fall into coma if not her. I feel it is going to be an awfully boring week. I hope the other peeps won’t go anywhere. They’re talking about Sweden, I hope they won’t go there. I like to be alone, but not lonely. And if your completely cut off from all the other beings that are alive in the world, besides all the yucky bacteria that I apparently have inside of me, as Zofijka says, so if you’re cut off from everyone and stuck in the house for a week you feel lonely and it isn’t funny anymore. Well, there will be Olek, but he’s mostly at work or goes out with his friends so I won’t see him a lot. I am afraid he will forget to feed me if they go away. But maybe I shouldn’t worry yet…

What I actually wanted to tell you is that in some way I like when someone is going somewhere for a longer time. I like to assist them with packing. Zofijka has such a large suitcase! I love it. Sleeping in all the possible suitcases is one of the most attractive holiday activities for me! Zofijka’s suitcase is particularly cosy. She wanted me to go out and lie beside it if I like it so much but I didn’t, I just stayed there so she had it a bit difficult to pack, with such an extra luggage, so she had to put all her things over me. But I didn’t care. It was a bit too tight, but still very warm and cosy, and I tink I always look very appealing in a good suitcase, no matter how much other stuff are there besides hehehehe. Everyone was amazed when they were coming to Zofijka’s room.

Unfortunately now Zofijka is packed and the suitcase is closed, and I can only lay on it, which isn’t as interesting. And I wish I could do something so she wouldn’t go tomorrow. Who will play with me? I think I’ll spend the rest of the day with Zofijka.

Mishpurrs.

Misha Pisha

Milestone meet and greet – mental health and mental illness related.

As you may remember, a few days ago My Inner Mishmash turned six months. Therefore, I came up with the idea that I will host a meet and greet on my blog celebrating blogging milestones. Each of these meet and greets will be focused on a particular field, that is also a part of my blog and my life. Every time I will achieve a blogging milestone, I will make a meet and greet post dedicated to bloggers blogging about something particular, so that they can promote themselves a little bit and those who are interested in the topic may find some new interesting blogs to read. Some of the topics may be a little niche since many of my interests are.
This meet and greet is for mental health and mental illness bloggers. If you suffer from a mental illness, work in the mental health field or are interested in these topics and blog about it, please feel free to share your blog. Also those who aren’t mental health bloggers, but have written a post or a few on this, are welcome to share.
I hope it will be a nice way for us all to find some more blogs to read and that those of you guys who will share with us will gain some new readers. ๐Ÿ™‚ Rules:
1. If you blog about mental health/mental illness, leave your blog link in the comments. If you aren’t a mental health blogger, but have a post(s) you wrote, regarding these topics and would like to share, feel free to do so and leave the link(s) as well. 2. Tell us as much as you feel like about yourself and your blog. 3. Reblog if you’d like, so that more people will know.
4. Visit some of other commenters’ blogs, read their posts, give them a follow, a like, or leave them a comment, just mingle a bit since that’s what it’s for, so that they know you visited and enjoyed. I hope you’ll have fun and I’m looking forward to read your blogs. ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

Do you consider yourself artistic, in any way?

My answer:

What does actually the word artistic mean? ‘Cause, I feel like there could be a few definitions. An artistic person could be simply an artist, so, I suppose, someone who makes a living with their art. But then do really all artists make a living with their art? Someone told me that the art is only when it has a receiver, so all those who are artists are those who show their works to others, and those who for example write poetry and keep it in the drawer, these people aren’t artists, and no matter how beautiful things they create, they’re worthless because they don’t have readers/listeners/viewers… that sounds rather radical, but OK, maybe that’s true, I’m certainly not an art expert. Artistic may also mean someone who is artsy and does a lot of stuff like singing, writing, crafting, for a hobby, and they’re particularly good at it. I also have an impression that many people tend to exclude all the other arts than visual and all that is art for them is if someone paints, draws, carves or sculpts etc. that is particularly weird for me. Like kids have art classes at school and it only includes visual arts, not that much writing, singing, playing instruments, acting or whatever else.

Naah there seems to be way too many different definitions and meanings behind the words art and artistic. So I’m gona share my own with you. An artistic person, in my personal opinion, is someone who is first and foremost creative. They’re usually an aesthete, highly sensitive, particularly to beauty. They don’t necessarily have to be real artists so painters or poets, but what they do is like an art for them, I mean they’re very good at it and they do it in their own way, they’re devoted to it with all their heart, soul and mind. Their art might be pretty modest and not important in the grand scheme of things, but it is what makes them happy and, usually, is also of great benefit for those around them. This is just how I would interpret the word artist. And, as a stereotypical artist, such people are usually pretty quirky and view things differently than many other people, in just their own way.

The first such an artistic soul that comes to my mind is my Mum. She doesn’t do any real art, well, she can crochet very well, she is pretty good at writing, was at school at least, and has some gift for acting which she sometimes gives an outlet to while reading books to either me or Zofijka, or while imitating other people for fun. But she doesn’t do neither of those things regularly, she doesn’t do anything conventionally artistic on a daily basis. But she cooks like a real artist, she often says that cooking is an art, but also a very scientific thing, so much physics in it. She is very inventive in the kitchen. also she is very sensitive to beauty and has a somewhat sophisticated style, she is passionate about decorating houses, even if it’s not something she herself does. She easily notices beauty in people and places and knows how to elicit it, that’s why she wanted to be an interior designer or a beautician. And she’s incredibly diplomatic, and that’s an art too. So she definitely is artistic.

Well now as for me. I write regularly – short stories, sometimes quirky or humourous poems, recently we were remaking a lot of nursery rhymes with Zofijka into more sassy and witty versions (I just can’t be serious in poetry although I would like sometimes), I’m working on translating Cornelis Vreeswijk’s works from Swedish into Polish which I also consider some sort of art, I am also musical although I’m not doing anything about it at the moment other than being a keen listener to a lot of music. But even if I write something, nowadays I rarely show it to someone, so in a conventional way I wouldn’t consider myself an artist now. However in my definition I think I am artistic in some way because I definitely am sensitive to beauty, and quite creative, I like to do creative stuff with the language, and I am a synaesthete which is – maybe a bit stereotypically – usually attributed as a sort of artistic trait, I am highly imaginative, so I think I do have some artistic side to my nature. Oh, and so many people say that baby naming is also an art, which I actually agree with.

How about you? DO you consider yourself artistic? How does it manifest? What does the word artistic actually mean to you? Would you agree with my definition? ๐Ÿ™‚

Gwibdaith Hen Frรขn – Coffi Du (Black Coffee).

Hi guys! ๐Ÿ™‚

Dw i’n hoffi coffi! That’s I like coffee in Welsh, doesn’t it sound cool? ๐Ÿ˜€

Any other coffee addicts here? This is a song for you. ๐Ÿ˜€ I love it, because it describes my relationship with coffee so well! OK, I don’t think I’m an addict, I can manage a day without coffee or more in necessary, it can just be damn hard when you have always very low blood pressure, but when I really want to feel the effects of coffee, I need to drink a few because I’ve never was particularly sensitive to caffeine. My Mum just laughed when I read the lyrics to her, she’s been drinking coffee everyday since she’s grown up and if by some accident she sometimes don’t do it on time, so right after she wakes up, she quickly gets an awful headache. But at least she manages on one coffee a day.

So yeah, today’s song is for the love of coffee, it’s just fabulous. And, as for the band, Gwibdaith Hen Frรขn are a trip folk band from north Wales, and I must say I like their quirkiness.

The lyrics are in the video, both Welsh and English. Enjoy. ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

What is on your mind, today? Anything you would like to share/get off your chest?

My answer:

As for me, there’s been a lot happening lately. As you may know, I’ve been pretty much depressed over the last few days. Sunday and Monday were awful, now things are going a little bit better, some external circumstances have taken part in it, that it’s getting a little better.

First of all, some sort of breakthrough has taken place. My Mum, my monolingual, self-doubting Mum, has started to learn English! She’s been thinking, or more like dreaming actually, about learning Italian, or maybe Russian, she does know some Russian from school, but it’s become quite rusty over time. And I kept telling her how good it would be if she knew English, because with her different interests she could find much more interesting stuff online, like she often does a lot of research about some health related topics, and it happens that things in Polish internet on that topic are just very limited, or poorly verified, or something, the more that these things she looks for are usually fairly rare in general. And she could find people that she could talk to, more people with more similar interests. I have never thought however that she could take it seriously, she always thought about learning languages as something exorbitantly difficult and just impossible for her because she “doesn’t have the gift”, whatever this gift is. So you can imagine my utter astonishment. It happened just out of the blue – I just finished my Welsh challenge and went downstairs to recharge my brain with some sugar. Mum was in the kitchen and I told her that I just finished my Welsh and then she asked me how I actualy learn languages. So I gave her a lecture, because there are tons of things I do for every language, and then she started talking about her Italian, how would it be to learn it, and would she really manage. I said she sure would, it’s just the thing of finding the best method. And then she started to look up the apps for learning languages. I told her that actually if she would really like to learn a language, I would recommend English as first because then she can have more resources to learn whichever language she wants. There sure are lots of resources to learn Italian via Polish, it is a popular language so why not, but if she wanted a really good and helpful phone app, I would rather search for an English one. There is Duolingo, which I’ve never used myself, but a lot of people I know did, and it has a Polish version, but as much as I know about it, I wouldn’t recommend it for a beginner. So then she told me she actually doesn’t mind learning English first. She brought out Zofijka’s textbooks and other books to learn English that she had, and never really used, because Zofijka absolutely hates English, and Zofijka’s flashcards. And, just started to learn English. For me it seemed very impulsive and short-lasting, but three days have passed and she’s still going, and she has mastered to be and to have in present tense, as well as transforming simple sentences into questions. She’s having a very hilarious accent, but she’s going. And she has absorbed a huge amount of vocabulary. Well, in the world that is overflowed by English, she’s got in a lot before, consciously or not, and that’s a huge plus too. The only thing that is actually very disturbing and that I guess needs much more work than her English itself, is her confidence, she just can’t get it that she can be, and actually already is, good at English, as for her level and the pace she goes on. She looks forward into future and is very nervous about how much she still has to learn, and how it all seems to be difficult, every single failure is like a proof for her that she can’t do it, and is doing everything wrong, she is frustrated that she doesn’t remember words by the first time she hears them and thinks she has bad memory. I’ve tried a million times to tell her that I am learning a third language and still have many of these issues she has, and lots of other people have it, but I guess she needs time to grasp it. And when I try to motivate her and tell her it’s not as she thinks, she thinks I’m just trying to cheer her up. But I am genuinely amazed with her progress! She’s doing really a lot each day. I asked her what’s actually her main goal, or motive behind it, because if she doesn’t have any she can finish even quicker than she started. And she told me she just wants to keep her brain fit, same as her body. She’s doing five Tibetan rites, and she thought she should do something for her brain as well. Also she hopes she could encourage Zofijka more to learn English and help her with it. I tried helping her but it is clear that she’s just not willing to learn English, she started to hate it because of her schools, also she has significant difficulties with focusing her attention – she was born one month premature and apparently some attention deficit is the result of it, or some mild learning disorder, at least that’s what our Math tutor is saying. Though Zofijka isn’t not intelligent so I think she could do better, but so far even private tutors weren’t able to help her. And Mum also wants to just have something more meaningful to do. My Mum doesn’t have any other job than, as she calls it “home manager”, so I think it would be good for her to have something more to do and that it is a reasonable goal. We are talking a lot in English, despite her limited vocabulary, so that she just gets comfortable with the language, I encourage her to learn doing some enjoyable or funny things so that it’s a pleasure for her, and she puts a lot of effort in finding the right words or at least describing things on her own. She is also using a lot of resources, yesterday she even watched Ceebeebies. So yeah that was a shock for me. And that’s also something new to me, because of course I help her with her English. I am not good at teaching or explaining things to people, particularly those things I am particularly good and keen about, but I just make sure she does everything right, provide her with some advices and make for a conversation partner for her.

Another thing is that yesterday four years have passed since I left the boarding school forever. I am so relieved anytime I think about it. But I think that’s also why I’ve got a lot of awful memories out of nowhere recently and some pretty freaky nightmares about that time.

My grandparents will soon have their 50th wedding anniversary, they will have huge celebrations because of that, and that makes me more and more anxious. There will be more than 50 people, they are mostly family but many of them I barely know or don’t know at all. There will be a huge party even with dancing, I hate this kind of parties the most. But I need to go even just for my grandad. I know he isn’t keen about all that fuss either, but just has to adjust. And that’s so weird, since the anniversary is his, and as for my gramma, she is happy but it wasn’t her who came up with the idea, it were their daughters, and they both just agreed. Normally when there is a huge party like this my grandad always knows perfectly when to take a French leave and since he knows I’d like too, he always asks me if I want to go with him and he drops me home. But since now he is a host actually, I’m sure he wouldn’t do it, no matter how much he’d like to. I heard there will be some distant relative of my Mum who is called Jacek and I’ve heard lots of good things about him, and I was looking forward at least to it, to see what he’s like and maybe have some fun, but they say he won’t come. I feel like it will be incredibly boring, most parties are so for me, and being bored and anxious among lots of people is a pretty nasty combination.

It’ll be my nameday on Saturday – and no, I’m not going to invite anyone, I celebrate the nameday of my birth name for the purpose of the family, and my actual nameday of my legal name is just for me and those I really want to have fun. Because I just can’t understand what’s so fun in inviting lots of people, providing them with food and drink, making sure they have fun and enough to eat, smalltalking and faking a smile. Sure, I like many people from my family, some I love, but who is actually celebrating, if I/my Mum are the ones who have to organise everything, invite everyone because it’s some sort of stupid rule for them, because they expect it? That will be always one of the biggest world mysteries for me. So I just want to have fun the way I like it. As some of you may remember, I planned on going to the Italian restaurant with my Mum, I invited her and offered her that we two could have some yummy food, and generally just go out together. Today I wanted to make sure if she’s still up to, and she said that no, she isn’t, because one of Dad’s brothers had his nameday yesterday and he’s making a party on Saturday and she and Dad want to go to him. That at first annoyed me, because well I told her about it much earlier and she agreed and was happy, and now she tells me she has different plans, and only when I ask her directly. But I didn’t say anything, ’cause I don’t think there was much to say, since if they agreed to go to him it would be weird to cancel now, or my Dad would have to go alone, whihc I assume would also be weird – or he would have to stay home because Mum is going with me, and it wouldn’t be fair because I would feel awkward getting him a dinner, since he’s actually my boss so he should rather get one for me, they’re theoretically still his money anyway. ๐Ÿ˜€ And I just don’t feel like taking him with us, so it wouldn’t be fair to do this to him. So yeah, I don’t want to complicate things, but I think I felt hurt ’cause it looked like she didn’t want to go with me. Not that I so desperately wanted to go to that restaurant but just to have some fun time with her, thought it would be cool, and her reaction at first was like she was happy about it. But maybe she just hasn’t much choice and has to go to my uncle’s party, I don’t think I want to investigate. Anyway, I still am going to have fun, and that’s not the end of the world. That means that me and Misha will be home alon e – Zofijka’s going to the swimming camp. I bought myself lots of spicy snacks and other treats, I also bought some for my family and for Zofijka for her camp. So I will have lots of yummy food, and I will be listening to a few of albums that came out recently and that I was looking forward to like crazy, and I really can’t wait to listen to them and make some little reviews in my diary. am also going to start my Swedish course, to make my Swedish even better. I hope that such a nice day will help me to get out of that depressive whole, ’cause recently everything really seems to be a bit overwhelming and hard to cope with, and I find it hard to be around any people around whom I have to fake anything, so most people.

How about you? What’s been on your mind lately? ๐Ÿ™‚

Gwenno – Hunros (Dream).

Hi!

Do you remember Gwenno? I shared one of her songs with you on my first day of blogging here. It was the single of the album “Le Kov” which was still to be released back then. It came out on 2nd March, and I have listened to it many times since then. “Le Kov” means A Place Of Memory, and I must say, that every time I went to this place, I definitely didn’t want to leave and wanted to go deeper and deeper, it’s so mystical and beautiful, and I just love Gwenno’s psychedelic sounds.

Gwenno is from Wales, but apart from being Welsh, she is also Cornish, and Cornish is her second mother tongue. Which is brilliant, since Cornish had extincted, and now is being revived and has only about 1000 speakers. I love Cornish, and if I love a language, I want to hear it in music, but I’ve always found it very hard to find music in Cornish. And this album seems just for me because it’s entirely in Cornish!

“Hunros” means dream in Cornish. The first time I’ve heard it was on BBC in Cerys Matthews’ programme, where she interviewed Gwenno, before the album was released. I heard it, and I just fell in love. It spoke to me. It is so full of longing, and a very speciffic kind of sadness. Gwenno said it is a lullaby she wrote for her son – Nico. A bit weird for a lullaby, but lovely.

Well Named – “well” baby Names

I actually like all of them. I actually have never thought about “well” names as a category of names in general, but it looks like all of them appeal to me in some way. Maybe it’s because I like Will? Particularly of all those I like Maxwell, which is classy yet modern, in my opinion. Which are your favourites?

TulipNames

WellNames

I have been majorly crushing on the name Wells. I think Well and Wells make for great Will alternatives. Well, that Wells name sure got me thinking of all the fabously names that Well could be a nickname for.ย  Youโ€™ll notice that many are surname names with English origins.ย  Be sure to tell me your favorites

Boswell
Boswell is an English name meaning well near the woods. Boz would be a great nickname if youโ€™re looking for a Well/Wells alternative.

Hartwell
Hartwell is a place name and English name meaning one who lives near the stagโ€™s spring. I love Hart as a male middle name. Smoosh Hart and Well together and you get a preppy cool name!

Maxwell
I love โ€œMaxโ€ names and Maxwell, ranked at Number 133, is the most popular name on this list. A Scottish name meaning great stream, I love that you could get the familiarโ€ฆ

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What Would It Be like to Live Life Backwards?

๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ What a Brilliant post, and so inspiring, I love it! Now I want to write some fantasy story on the topic. ๐Ÿ˜€ However the idea itself is a bit scary, anyway I wouldn’t like to live this way, too much throwing up and all, a bit shitty. I hope it’s not what awaits us all in the afterlife. How about you guys? Would you like to live backwards? ๐Ÿ˜€

To Contrive & Jive

Post 1,029

Well, in the olden days, a nurse used to smack your bottom the second you were born to make you cry and that is actually true. Ermโ€ฆ sadly. But imagine life backwards for just a mo. The first day of your life, youโ€™d be an old man being given a sponge bath by a pretty nurse. And she wouldnโ€™t mind if you enjoyed it because youโ€™re so old who cares what you do? That said, starting a bath wet and getting increasingly dryer does make my head hurt. But youโ€™d save water and therefore money, so thatโ€™s a bonus. Youโ€™d then spend your entire day being waited on hand and foot, each second getting younger and younger, fitter and fitter. Think about how wonderful all this would be! Youโ€™d start life barely able to hear and by the end, your hearing would be better than ever! Of courseโ€ฆ

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Six months.

The time flies so fast… Today is six months since the first post on My Inner Mishmash. I can’t quite believe it! It definitely doesn’t feel like this!

I’m very happy I’m here, and that my safe space is here, and that finally, there is a place online I can really call mine, and safe. The idea that I could start a blog in another language seemed crazy to me, even for a while after I’ve already created this blog. But now I know it was the step in a definitely right direction. It feels so anyway. I also feel like it’s the most successful of my blogs in terms of reaching the audience. I don’t know how many readers, followers or commenters a typical six-month-blog gets and whether I am one of those or get more or less views, I do know though that none of my previous blogs had gotten as many people reading as this one, for various reasons, but mainly because I was blogging in quite niche places – our Polish blind communities online – where there was a slight chance anyone else could find me, other than the members of the community, unless I told them the URL, which really sucked, but a huge advantage of it was that everything was completely accessible. And with my previous WordPress blog, I failed completely at setting it up properly so that neither people could find me, nor I could actually write a single post without hours of torment, hassle, rage and frustration preceeding its publishing, because it was so unaccessible for me. If not the fact that a part of me is phlegmatic after my Dad, so I can be pretty determined and patient if I really want something, I’d surely not exist there for THREE years! ๐Ÿ˜€ I think that even if I paid someone to set up things for me and make it all polished technicaly, I wouldn’t get very many people to read my posts and certainly not 195 followers. ANd after all, I write partly for others here, because if I want to do it just for myself, I can do it in my diary. SO, yeah, I’m so very happy that my efforts aren’t pointless and that I seem to finally have settled somewhere.

I also hope that if you read my posts, you find something that can affect you in any positive way – I’d love to hear from you about how they affect you – and that you enjoy being a part of My Inner MishMash, regardless of how long you’re here.

I want to thank each one of you – those who follow my blog, read, like or comment my posts. I’m so happy you are here, and I hope you’re glad too. Particularly, I want to thank my regulars – thanks so so much to all of you for sticking with me and supporting me, it means A LOT to me, and it is hugely appreciated.

And, of course, Misha is very very grateful too for all his peep friends and pet friends, and for all his silent audience. He is so happy that some other beings finally treat him and his problems seriously.

Question of the day.

When was the last time you went on vacation? Where did you go?

My answer:

Oh, that was soo so brilliant! It was last year. Last summer, in July. I went to Stockholm. It was something that I dreamt of for years, and my Dad promised me many times that this time we’ll go to Sweden in summer for sure, and finally it came true last year. Sweden is among my favourite countries and I love Swedish language and Swedish people and so I’m always happy to speak Swedish to someone if I can practice, so I always wanted to go to Sweden. However, when it finally became a real and very close possibility, it started to feel also very scary. ‘Cause, you know, I’d have to be a translator for three people, in a way I’d have to be in charge of things ’cause I am the one in our family who speaks Swedish and English. And if you’re a sociophobic, it’s quite a scary prospect. Plus, I was also terrified about how we’re gonna get there. Because of my other anxieties, my labyrinthum not always working as it should and othere stuff, flying or sailing feels rather challenging, I get dizy and motion sickand stuff and it’s just tough. So, I think I was twice as scared as I was happy. What if it won’t go well? I wouldn’t like to have bad memories from one of my favourite places in the world. I felt like if my dreams are going to turn into a disappointment, if my anxieties will kick in, I’d better not go anywhere and just leave Sweden and all in the sphere of my dreams. But I still knew I’m gonna go there, because it felt even more awful if I missed on such a chance. And, yeah, it was tough. Very tough and exhausting. But it also was brilliant, as I said. And very, very rewarding. Sometimes as I think about it I wonder how I actually did it – all that talking and smalltalking to people, even very random people, but somehow I did. I’ve improved my Swedish, was able to use some English, and even my little rusty bits of Finnish, and get in some more Finnish, as I’ve met a woman from Finland. I’ve also fully realised something I’d only supposed before, that I’m that little bit more confident and comfortable talking to people when I do it in other languages, I guess because my willing to use it, to improve it and have contact with it is that little bit stronger than my anxiety. That’s weird, the more that Polish is also one of my favourite tongues obviously, but there’s nothing you can work on with your mother tongue, is there? And I’ve read somewhere recently that it’s common that people are more extroverted in their second, third, etc. language just because if they want to develop it, they need to communicate more.

I visited my crush Cornelis Vreeswijk’s grave, which was a very emotional event for me, we visited his park, we’d seen lots of beautiful views and historical places in the old town, ate yummy food, even tried salted caramel, which we didn’t like, but which was a funny experience. And man I’ve never eaten even half as yummy icecream as I did in the old town. I also visited a shop with minerals and extended my collection of gem stones with quite a few new ones from different countries around the world, and had a chat with the shop owner, even though he was from Scania, and I’m usually not that good at understanding the Scanian, but there’s always English, and somehow we got along. And I also have lots of other lovely souvenirs from Stockholm, like many books for children in Swedish – oh gosh I had so much scanning, I will think twice next time before I’ll ever again have a desire to buy a half of a bookshop. And the only thing I regret – well apart from those loads of scanning afterwards – is that we haven’t seen more of Sweden during that time, just Stockholm and nearby areas, and still not the whole Stockholm, we’d been there just for a week. I just enjoyed it so much. And, guess what? There is a slight chance I’ll go to Sweden this year too. There are always discounts on ferries to Sweden in summer so lots of people go even just for a little ferry trip to Karlskrona if nothing more. My feelings about that are very, very mixed, but deep down I know I’d love it.

How about your last vacation? Did you like it? ๐Ÿ™‚

Geraint Jarman – “Strangetown”.

Hi people. ๐Ÿ™‚

So here’s another song by Geraint Jarman of those I wanted to show you, this one is also from his newest album “Dwyn Yr Hogyn Nol” (Bring The Boy Back). I think it’s cool.

Share Your World.

Cee’s Share Your World

If aliens landed on earth tomorrow and offered to take you home with them, would you go?ย (remember this is SYW, they are friendly aliens)

I’ve never been particularly interested in other planets, or cosmos in general, or anything like this and I’ve always felt like the idea of flying somewhere on a different planet is a bit scary, you know, all those anxieties I have related to motion, doesn’t seem like a pleasant thing. However – I’ve thought about it more now, and I think I would be keen to take a risk. One of my online friends has invented an interesting term a few years ago – namely “alien syndrome” ๐Ÿ˜€ – so literally that you feel like an alien in your environment, and people may perceive you a bit like an alien, etc. all for fun, but I immediately felt like – OH, that’s me. So, being an alien with “alien syndrome”, I shouldn’t waste a chance and I definitely should go with them. And maybe I wouldn’t be an alien then. Yes, it could be very interesting for sure. So I would go with them. Although I think I would miss my earthly family sometimes. Oh! And how I could forget! There’s no way I could go anywhere without Misha, so I’m only going if they let me take him with me. But if they’re “my” aliens, they sure would. ๐Ÿ˜€

How tall are you? Are you satisfied with your height?

I’m 168 cm, so I think something in the middle. I could be a few centimetres taller, but it’s just fine as it is. The more that I actually could end up much worse. I have hypopituitarism and apparently hypothyroidism, so I have growth hormone deficiency and by default I would stop at 140 cm. Grrrrrrrrrr!!! Scary!!! I mean very scary, because my family is rather tall, my brother is 190 cm or maybe more. but of course I was taking hormones so that I would grow more. But then I got an endocrynologist who was a small, corpulent lady and always in awe of my Mum’s height and she wanted me to be as high as my Mum, who is 180, and you just couldn’t persuade her I don’t need to be so tall, I’mย  not gonna be a cheerleader or anything. I wasn’t that happy with it because… well, why the heck do I need to be so tall? But luckily then I changed the endocrynologist suddenly and she was OK with stopping it and understood me and my Mum that such height as 180 cm would be only a hindrance for me, so I stopped taking it, grew a little more by myself and so I’m 168, and happy with it. So maybe I could be something like, 170 cm or maybe even 172, but I’m lucky enough that I’m not too short and not too tall and could almost choose the height I wanted. The benefits of having growth hormone deficiency hahaha.Still though I meet people who say I’m tall, my horse riding instructor actually says it all the time, I guess it’s because I’m slim, the impression my instructor gets is probably because I’ve long legs and she always has to lengthen the stirrups for me no matter who rode before me lol.

Do you think you could live without your smartphone (or other technology item) for 24 hours?

Without my phone, why not? I can even longer. Without my laptop – hard and boring, but manageable if necessary, plus I still have my Braille-Sense that can somehow replace the computer for me, although there are so many things I only do online that whenever I don’t have the Internet for long it can be challenging. But without my reading devices, on which I also have music, particularly without Plextalk, it would be very hard.And very boring. And hardly manageable. I carry my Plextalk everywhere when I go out of the house. ๐Ÿ˜€ I guess I might be a bit addicted, but it’s not PlexTalk I’m addicted to but books and music and sometimes, particularly when I’m on the way to somewheere it’s the only way for me to practice my languages.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? ย Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, starting new level of my Welsh language course, blogging, writing, support from my friends, massage on Friday, which seemed a very hard experience for various and complex reasons which I talked about before, but turned ut to be cool and very relaxing.

 

G2K.

So I am participating in

G2K

which is a series at Revenge Of Eve.

 

How would you say others perceive you?ย  Confident or insecure?

Most people would rather say insecure, however some people get a false conviction about my confidence because in some situations I may act more confident. I’ve even had one guy saying I’m intimidating and overwhelming, and some people have described me as “bossy” and possessive, which kinda surprised me.

Are you confident or insecure?

Insecure.

If your answers to 1 & 2 are opposite, define your behaviors that make this so.

If people consider me confident, it can be because I do feel more confident around them, or the opposite, I feel incredibly insecure and feel like the only way I can get through it is at least try to convince other people I’m not. It’s usually a very subconscious thing for me but I’ve been observing myself more lately as well as people’s reactions. Sometimes people think I’m very confident because they get an impression I’m haughty or icy. It’s because expressing my feelings spontaneously is still a huge issue for me, and when I feel very overwhelmed I withdraw even more ’cause then I feel safer when people don’t know what I really feel. As for that guy who told me he finds me intimidating, well, my first reaction as I heard this was that I actually wanted to laugh, so unbelievable it sounded. I think it’s because we’ve been pretty open to each other about ourselves, and I think what he really found the most intimidating was – as my Mum tends to call it euphemistically – my “colourfullness” – ya know, all my experiences, interests and other quirks, with disability and mental illnesses on top of that, that’s a bit too much for some people, and I think he’s just felt overloaded at some point. My survival strategy in many situations has been to laugh off things and there was a period in my life when I was known among my friends as a bit sassy and I was glad about it. When it happened in the past that I had people whom I called friends, I used to be indeed quite possessive towards them at times, when someone matters to me a lot I involve a lot in their life and all that matters to them, with the best intentions, but not always in the best way, and some as I said called it bossiness. It is never something purposeful if I seem to people a bit intimidating though and I have never truly meant to appear so. Sometimes I feel like the fact I can appear confident or insecure to different people is a bit of two-facedness, and didn’t feel good with it, but you can’t always have full control over how people perceive you, plus in some way it’s all parts of my personality, I suppose.

Who do you attribute your confidence or low self-esteem to?

My self-esteem has always been low, and I think there have been multiple factors and multiple people contributing to that. But I also feel like it has grown a little bit over time and I think it’s mostlyย  my Mum’s contribution.

Write them a note in 20 words or less expressing your gratitude or feelings of injustice.

OK so because there are so many factors that have influenced my low self-esteem and it’s hard to pick the biggest one, I’ll focus on the positive contribution from my Mum and will write to her.

Dear Mum.

I’d like to thank you for believing in me and being always accepting of me as I am.

 

Question of the day.

If you HAD to pick a favourite sport, what would it be? You can’t say “none” or “pass”.

My answer:

Horse riding, obviously! I haven’t been riding for more than half a year now myself because of my instructor not being available, my exams, skin infections and other adventures, but I like to learn more about it, even if I can’t ride. And I am very disciplined in this matter.

Which would you choose? ๐Ÿ™‚

Adwaith – “Fel I Fod”.

Hi. ๐Ÿ™‚

Today I wanted to show you guys a very nice, young Welsh girlsband, from Carmarthenshire, more exactly from Caerfyrddin. They make post punk experimental music. I’ve heard them for the first time just a few days ago and I like them more and more.

Adwaith means reaction in Welsh, as the girls say their band name was apparently a pure coincidence and they were very “lazy” coming up with it. They are Hollie Singer – who is a vocalist – Gwenllian Anthony – on bass – and Heledd Owen – on drums.

A bit lousy day.

Yep. It’s not the best definitely. It’s a little better now, but the morning was particularly rubbishy.

The good thing is that I finally slept well, and a lot, and didn’t have any nightmares after a few nights in a row, which’s very cool. But I woke up, and as soon as I did, I started to feel very low, and it seemed to escalate. I lingered in bed, couldn’t just motivate to do anything, which happens to me very often but I am usually able to get over it, I read my book, until I finally gave up and realised that I just can’t function normally today. I just felt so overwhelmingly depressed, I dunno, I guess PMS is getting in the way, don’t know what else could be a reason, other than that my brain just felt like being depressed today. My family had plans to go to my cousins to their new house. I knew I’m not gonna do it with how I felt, plus it’d be just boring, I have completely nothing in common with them, they’re more my parents’ age, and completely not my type of people, I know even my Mum didn’t feel like going, but there were actually my parents that were invited, so I knew they wouldn’t feel offended or disappointed or anything if I didn’t come.

I usually don’t give up for my moods so easily – maybe if I lived without anybody else it would be different, but I live with my family and I know my Mum is always very worried when she sees I’m not doing well mentally, so if I can I try to drag myself out of bed and do things as normally as possible. But today I didn’t have the slightest bit of motivation to anything and felt hopeless and very very blah, so I told Mum I’m having migraine. I felt like she’ll be maybe a bit less worried then. I didn’t even go to the church with them, just the simple thought of being around other people made me feel sick. So I just lied and tried to read and even slept more. Sleep has always been my favourite way of escaping the reality if it’s too shitty. So apart from having a lot of sleep at night, I’ve also had a whole lot of sleep today. I had some very gloomy and dark dreams though. When they were out I was only waking up to fed Misha or let him in or out. I know, very shitty of me to be so very lazy, and so selfish to not play with him even for a while and leave him completely on his own, but my brain just wasn’t cooperating. Finally though I woke up for good and had to face my depression, I felt incredibly emotional and self-hating and lonely, although at the same time I felt like I wouldn’t stand a single, even the most supportive human being around me. There was only Misha, I didn’t have any choice and had to stand him, ๐Ÿ˜€ and I was very grateful for him. He’s been actually sticking to me all the time today, which is so very rare for him, and the more appreciated. I couldn’t resist the thought that if there’s anyone really understanding me in this freaky world, it is Misha, hands down. We even had a chat yesterday with Mum about Misha, you know, all that stuff about how fearful he is, recently it’s been a lot on my mind, ’cause, I can understand if it’s his feature, but I’m a bit anxious whether maybe it’s our house environment that has made him this way, or something else we or I have done wrong with him. And then my Mum summed it up and said “I think that’s just how he is – so anxious and avoidant” – and then she laughed and grinned that after all I am his mama, so maybe it’s hereditary – you know, AVPD and stuff. And then I laughed too, because as I thought about it Misha was so so much like me. Wanting, but not wanting to be around people, and if you just took the diagnostic criteria for AVPD and compared Misha to them, I think he could have it hahaha. Oh, sorry, Misha! Apart from his self-esteem, which is obviously as high as it should be expected in a spoiled child. Btw can animals have mental disorders, other than depression? Or maybe it’s just the rule that who keeps company with the wolf will learn to howl? Just laughing.

Anyway, I spent the whole afternoon with Misha, and thanks God for him, he always knows when he’s really really needed. Then I finally managed to shower and realised I haven’t eaten anything today so we both ate, but just a little – Misha because he’s just eaten and me because I shortly after realised that actually I’m not hungry – and then I was going to vegetate in bed for the rest of the day but finally motivated myself to not do it, I felt like I had a little bit more energy.

So my family had come back home and I managed to smalltalk with them even, and help Mum brush Misha. It’s still not OK, but good enough to function among other people.

I felt like some bigger mood dip is coming and I guess it’s finally here, ew… Hope though that I’ll have more enrgy to live and that it goes away soon, otherwise I might have to think about some antidepressants, my life isn’t very dynamic right now but I wouldn’t like it to go this way, it can’t be so when you’re around people and don’t want to seem constantly depressive, I need to have the energy and resources to at least pretend convincingly. I have gotten used to my depressive mood but for other people it’s not normal, and for my close family it’s frustrating.

So that’s all from me today, not very positive, but I wanted to do at least one constructive thing today and writing is what I usually do the best while being low, if anything, I’m totally not in the mood for my languages today, although I’m reading a book in Swedish, but it’s for kids, so not much thinking or figuring out is necessary.

Oh shit! Poland has just lost against Colombia. Shamin guys. 3 to 0 shit. Now my Dad’s gonna be depressed too. I supposed they might lose, though I hoped they won’t this time. My Mum was sure they will lose. I think people here make too much fuss around that Worldcup thing and around ur representation, so the more they’ll feel disappointed now.

Question of the day.

Would you ever tell your hairstylist to do whatever they felt like doing to your hair?

My answer:

Nope. Never. Very many hairstylists don’t do what you ask them to do even if it’s very speciffic, so, in my opinion it’s way too risky.

Would you?

Geraint Jarman – Reggae Reggae.

Hi guys! ๐Ÿ™‚

I know, I planned to show you all my favourite Geraint Jarman songs until the end of this week, but because of some other things that I felt like needed to be shared with you first, it has belated a bit again. Today I have for you another song from his newest album “Dwyn Yr Hogyn Nol” (Bring The Boy Back), called “Reggae Reggae”. One of my favourite reggae pieces in reggae music in general, close after all the Polish reggae stuff I like.