Nice day.

Today is going really nice for me.

Zofijka woke me up very early, because she woke up and couldn’t fall asleep again and wanted to sleep with me. It was like 6 AM when she came to me, but then we didn’t sleep anymore, just chatted and each of us did her own thing. Zofijka played on her phone and I read George Bidwell’s book “Pat’s Sons”. I’ve already finished it. It’s the second book of the series about Michael and Pat, it’s a series about history of Ireland.

When we finally got up, it was almost the time for Zofijka to go out, because she was going to our cousin for the day and she’ll be staying at him for the night. They really like to play together so I hope she’s glad there. Zofijka puts so much energy in to our home so now it’s a bit quiet without her, but I think it’s necessary from time to time to have some silence, luckily she’s only gone for a day.

If you’ve read Misha’s post, you already know from him that then we both had some time together. Then my Mum came back home after dropping Zofijka to cousin’s and we went out together since I needed a haircut. We had to do also some small-wares shopping and had to visit a few bakeries. Misha had his birthday yesterday and tomorrow is mine, so, you know, you need to have some cake for guests, but we couldn’t find the one my Mum wanted. I left decision for her, because I don’t feel an expert about birthday cakes and actually I am pretty sure that tomorrow I’ll be too stressed to eat a lot, because of my social anxiety it’s always a bit stressing for me when my extended family comes to us, the more that I’ll have to be the centre of attention. I mean, I like my family, but it’s just a bit challenging for me to be in such a large group of people for a longer time. Plus I like my Mum’s blueberry dessert much more, so she told me she’ll make it for me, but people always tend to like those greasy, extremely sweet and richly decorated birthday cakes, so let them have one. I have always quite mixed feelings about having birthday.

So when we got home, I chatted a lot with Mum about lots of things, we had raspberry muffins and I was writing with my Swedish pen pal. But wasn’t up to much besides that.

Hope you all are having a nice day.

Song of the day (31st January) – East Of My Youth – “Stronger”.

So this is finally my choice for today.

I love this band’s music. It speaks to me. East Of My Youth are an Icelandic duo from Reykyavik, consisting of Thelma Marin Jónsdóttir and Herdis Stefansdóttir. There is definitely something very special to their music, but maybe it’s only me who see it? Anyway I like pieces like that.

Me Misha and my birthday.

Hhrrru?
Yep, it is me, that boring Misha with his boring life again.
Please guys wish me happy birthday, my birthday was yesterday. I almost started to think everyone in this crazy house forgot about it, because they started to wish me happy birthday around lunch, so quite late, don’t you think? I am now two years old and wondered quite a lot lately what will happen when I’ll finally be two. Will they still treat me like a baby? I hoped no, but at the same time I feared they won’t do it any longer. But they still do and now I don’t know what to think.
I felt like eating something special all day long, you know… something new, delicious and refined, maybe something like my own meat birthday cake? It would be awesome. but I only got my favourite sauce. I mean, it’s good and I was happy, but it wasn’t anything new. But I love sauces. I prefer things that have more fluid consistence and are thick. When you’ll give me meat in sauce, I’ll lick out the sauce and leave the meat. And I know that my human mum bought a few tins of this sauce for me. I am happy.
Zofijka and Mila snuggled with me a lot yesterday, I think more than usual. And I tried to be nice for them and not as wild as normally. I like a good snuggle, but not very often and here they want to cuddle with me ALL the time.
Today I have a calm day. And it’s very nice. Zofijka went out somewhere and mum says she won’t come back until tomorrow. I like Zofijka, but I am happy I will have some rest from her. She always chases me and snuggles me.
I am in a quite cuddly and lazy mood today. In the morning I lounged with Mila on her bed and we cuddled a lot and it was nice, I was happy and she was stroking me constantly and I was purring. I often purr, well I am a cat, but I rarely purr very loud, but today I purred quite much and loud. It was very pleasant. Then I watched a bit of my Mish TV. You don’t know what’s Mish TV? Mish TV is our aquarium. There are many fishes there. And I am always hoping that one day, I’ll be able to catch a fish from this aquarium. And I am trying every day. And I love to watch the fishes and say hhrrru? to them and tap the aquarium with my paws. I love fishes. My other TV is of course the window, but that’s not so interesting and I rely on people to turn it on for me so that’s not as much fun.
But nothing more really interesting is happening in my life so I am finishing. I hope everyone has a good, interesting day.
Mishest regards to all.
Misha

Song of the day (30th January) – Ella Eyre – “Even If”.

Hi guys! 🙂

Very sorry I didn’t come to you on time with my song of the day for yesterday. But today I will pick two instead.

Ella Eyre’s ral name is Ella MCMahon, she’s known for her collaborations with some famous R & B artists, although I got to know her music only last Monday. I think her voice timbre is very nice. She lives in London, her dad is Jamaican and her mum is Maltese. Before ELla started her professional singing career, she has also been a keen swimmer.

#JusJoJan 2018, the 29th – Fantastic.

My cat Misha is absolutely fantastic! I know he loves me unconditionally, I love him this way too, isn’t it fantastic when you have a relationship like that?

Misha looks fantastic, is a fantastic companion, comforter and is just fantastic in everything he does. I admire him. My sister Zofijka (Sophie if you prefer) used to say that if only I could, I would marry Misha. Maybe… that’s not that bad idea. 😀 What do you think?

Misha is really inspiring for me every day we go through together. He is almost everything for me, which means he holds lots of functions in my life. As I said he’s my comforter and companion every day. But he also does a fantastic job as my listener, friend, warmer, pillow, baby, brother and a blanket. Who wouldn’t like such a beautiful, fantastic little creature in their life as I have?

https://lindaghill.com/2018/01/29/jusjojan-2018-the-29th-fantastic/

Share your world – January 29, 2018.

If you had an unlimited shopping spree at only one store, which one would you choose? Why?

Hm, I think it would be the shop with minerals that I visited during my holidays in Stockholm.

What is the worst thing you ate recently?

My Dad is an enthusiast of smoked meat and he likes to make something smoked every week. This week he smoked a ham, but oh my God it was so salty! I am a big lover of salt and spices and all, so is my Dad, but it was just so awfully salty that you couldn’t feel anything else than salt lol.

Name five things you like watching…

Five things… I don’t watch TV that often, so it might be hard, but let’s try. I like “Happy Valley”, “The Voice” and recently I am a maniac of Welsh series because they help me with my Welsh vocabulary so I watch everything I can watch not living in the UK on the Welsh-language channel S4C. My favourite series is “Rownd A Rownd”, also I watch “Pobl Y Cwm” and a show for learners called “Llyncu Geiriau”.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

My cat Misha makes me smile everyday. He’s so beautiful that I think it would be just a sin, or extreme stupidity and ungratefulness if I didn’t appreciate that I have such a precious treasure like Misha. You just have to smile, or at least feel a bit uplifted, when you look at him. Other things are music and lots of chill out time. I really really really appreciate that after the exam session. And I am glad that winter holidays started.

Stifle *long post*

Sorry, it might be a bit chaotic. I rarely open up so much to people so I got a bit emotional.    Also very sorry for being so late with this prompt, I actuallly wrote it much earlier, but the URL I inserted was wrong.

Some triggers might be possible.
So today, thanks to Daily Post, as a non native English speaker, I’ve learnt a new great word, which is stifle. I am a lover of words in all “my” languages, so yay I’m happy.
So because of this, I wanted to share with you my coping with life strategy, which I’ve learnt during my time in boarding school and now trying to unlearn. I hope it will help someone with similar experiences, as well as myself. This “coping strategy” is as you can guess, stifling them. Why I was doing it?
First of all I think that because I am an introvert, I have always had a tendency to do it. My Dad is a professional kind of stifler and has been one as long as I can remember, but not as professional as me. But since I went to boarding school, I quickly started to have a feeling, that my emotions aren’t really valid. I don’t know if anyone thought so, but that was just how I felt. I didn’t feel good there for many reasons and it was always a nightmare for me to go back there. I know that most of the kids didn’t felt it like this. Sure, not all of them liked school, most kids don’t, they surely missed their families, but noone seemed to have it all to such a degree and to have such issues with adapting there. I was having these issues for all the time I was there. I know only one girl who had it similar to me, luckily her mum noticed it quickly and took her from there in primary. So generally I felt much like an alien, to whom no one can really relate. I felt incredibly weak and hypersensitive because I couldn’t deal with things normal kids dealt without a bigger trouble and, besides some obvious homesickness and other stuff like that, liked it there. Plus I was always kind of individualistic, so didn’t blend in well in the surroundings, while blending with the surroundings was very well-seen there. I know people, both the staff and the kids, thought it is strange that I have other interests than the majority and often prefer just to be alone than in the crowd of people.
In first few years I tended to talk to my Mum in details how I feel and how lonely and stressed etc. I feel all the time, but one day I realised that one of the staff is listening very carefully to what I talk to her about. She came to me then and told me with quite a particular tone in her voice: “You know, if you have a problem, with feelings or something, we can always discuss it on the meeting”. They had group meetings almost every evening there, so girls from a particular group met with their staff and either read something, or discussed things etc.
Maybe I am weird, but I didn’t feel very reassured by that. I needed time to trust people to share my feelings with them. I needed at least some proof that they are really involved. I didn’t want my deepest feelings to be “discussed” by everyone publicly. The more that I just knew they couldn’t understand me, even if they genuinely would like.
So my reaction was a silent rebellion. I thought that NO – from now on, noone will have access to my feelings. I am not a book, to read my emotions and “discuss” and maybe even review if they are “positive” or “negative”. I need to protect myself. I need to have at least some space for myself and this space will be my feelings, which will be just my own, noone else’s.
And you know what? I didn’t even really had to try in any special way to stifle everything. As I now remember it, I feel like it was just I had this outburst of anger and silent rebellion one evening and woke up with a marble mask all over me.
I also stopped to confide to my Mum, firstly because I was now more conscious that walls have ears, but also because I knew she’s worried. I knew from other people that when she’s coming back home after leaving me at school, she’s crying in the car and then at home sometimes too. Since those days I was always feeling guilty whenever I was talking to her about some more complicated stuff that is going on in my life or even just in my head or even if I just noticed a sign of worry in her and suspected it might be because of me.
Teachers, boarding school staff and some kids I was relatively close to, like my roommates, started to see the change relatively late. I tried to not change my attitude totally. On the outside, when I chose to be with other kids, I tried my best to be humourous, likeable, interesting, but as distanced as it was possible at the same time. I had trouble suppressing such emotions like joy or fascination, but never showed up any so called negative, especially, NEVER EVER, anger. With time, I decided to open up just a bit to one of my roommates, as we liked each other quite much and thought we are best friends. Or maybe we both just pretended to be ones, I don’t know. It wasn’t about my feelings regarding boarding school and that stuff though, but anyway, then I felt quite a big regret that I did it, it turned out to not be the right thing to do. But then I’ve bottled up quite a lot of it and, very rarely, from time to time, like once a year maybe, or twice, I started to have quite impressive meltdowns. Like all the anger, all the tears were coming out of me for little to no reason. And people were like… quite astonished. I was too. ‘Cause even before I started to stifle everything, I was rather calm. It felt like it’s not me. While in fact I was having a meltdown, yelling at people, making everything around fly all over the room, and crying, or having hysteria, I felt like I am standing beside and looking without many more emotions than just astonishment. I was just like: “Oh wow! Is this me?”. The next day I was scared though. Most often I didn’t even remember that much of a meltdown itself, but only thinking about not having control at all over your actions… it’s still quite frightening for me. And I felt exactly like I couldn’t gain any control during such meltdowns. It just had to leave me on its own, I couldn’t really help and stop it.
So then one of the staff started to think something must be really much more wrong with me than she always have thought before and talked to my Mum. But, although I didn’t put off my marble-icy mask at home totally, I was a bit more at ease and spontaneous, and didn’t have any meltdowns at all, so she didn’t see anything concerning and actually didn’t really believe in what that lady told her.
But she did notice some things soon and started to think about some alternative for me, I mean, alternative school.
And so for two years, at the age of 10 and 11, I was going to an integration school, much closer to my home, well not that close really, but it made a huge difference for me because I could be at home everyday after school and felt like I am incredibly lucky. I was always jealous about kids in such situation.
So it was better, but my attitude didn’t change, I actually even forgot about what I told myself about protecting myself and not giving other people access to my emotions, it just was going on its own now. I had to remind it to myself a few years ago. So the problem wasn’t really solved. All those emotions seemed to sit with me, and although I felt lucky and grateful that I am at home, I didn’t feel really happy.
I had neurosis, different psychosomatic symptoms like migraines or nausea or other crappy stuff, suicidal thoughts, everything felt very overwhelming, like any activity I had to do craved a lot of motivation, which I actually didn’t have, I was constantly depressed, anxious. It was then when I started to have symptoms of emetophobia and other speciffic phobias, although I really can’t recall any particular event that could trigger it, I just started to be more and more afraid of this and that even if I previously wasn’t and soon it became just a very strong anxiety, hard to deal on a daily basis.
After those two years, something happened, that’s another long story, anyway my Mum and me realised that I need to change school again. And, looking at things practically, there weren’t many more reasonable options for me than going back to that boarding school for the blind. I saw it too. My Mum knew that it would crave a lot of strength from me to come back there again, so to encourage me more she said she’ll do her best to make my biggest dream come true if I’ll be strong enough to come there again. Which she did a few years later. So yeah I decided to go there and burn myself all over once again. After all we live in the civilised world and everyone needs to have some education, I wanted to have it too, it’s not that I didn’t.
After the break it was even more hard. During my two years outside of that environment I was even more different, gained some strange interests and fears.
So it all clicked in the mind of that lady who talked to my Mum about me not expressing feelings and what she got of it is she started to think I must be on autistic spectrum.
So again she alarmed my Mum and talked it through with her. My Mum was frightened. Literally.
I needed to go back to school during summer holidays because they wanted to examine me for Asperger’s. I was twelve then so they didn’t really discussed it all with me before, I just got to know I will be examined in July and there will be some professionals from an autism centre. But, I was a very curious child. I liked to learn new things, I liked to observe the world and for some reason, especially people’s behaviours and personalities, in as big degree as it could be possible for a blind child. And also I was starting to be very interested in psychology and medicine. In our school, there were many kids on autism spectrum. Most of them were rather very low-functioning, some were Aspies. And I liked to observe them all and their behaviours too. Most of them seemed quite weird for me, but I could even relate to some. Like their aversion to changes for instance. Also when I was living at home, I listened to a radio programme where a lady from this exact autism centre was speaking about Asperger’s syndrome. So although they didn’t literally tell me who will examine me and what is ther job in general, as soon as I heard the name of the centre, I started to have a bit of a clue what’s going on.
I tink it was a bit unhonest of them to not tell me what they actually want to do and what they are concerned about. I know I was just a kid and kids shouldn’t know everything what is talked about them, but… it made me really worried. I started to feel even more abnormal and not validated at all. So I hid even more. The thing I remembered the best about ASD was that people with it tend to have interests, which were rather rare and tend to be extremely good at any particular thing. A bit stereotypical maybe, but that was what they said in that programme and it caught my attention, as it fit me in some way. I always felt quite uncommon because of my interests. And that thing with changes and adaptivity… I was wondering about it all the time. It wasn’t that I was afraid about having Asperger’s… well, probably I was, getting a diagnosis is most often a bit anxiety provoking for people and I’m sure I wouldn’t be an exception. But I am sure I could accept it. It is more about the fact that because of how different I am, they wanted to proof me how unhealthy and abnormal it is. That I don’t have the right to be different. My Mum said it was because that staff was so caring about me, but didn’t I hear all comments, of hers and many others, about how I should change and be like the others? “ALl the kids do this, why don’t you?”. Things like that. I am not sure whether it can make sense for anyone else like me, but that’s simply how I feel.
But even when finally that day came and the lady from the autism centre came to examine me, noone told me what’s going on.
She was all smiles and sweetness and told me she wants to make “an interview” with me.
I don’t really remember what she asked me about, I was very stressed out and hypervigilant all day long then. So “the interview” was finally over and I still hadn’t have an idea what was going on. It was driving me just soo crrrazy.
So I couldn’t stand it any longer in the evening. I went out with my Mum, I wanted to be as far as possible from the school building, so we went for a walk and I asked her quite directly as for me what they suppose to be wrong with me. Am I mental or what?
So finally someone had mercy and told me that they suspect me to have Asperger’s.
Even though it was one of things I expected to hear, it was a massive shock to me and it was hard for me to not show it.
The next day I had some other tests and stuff and then the lady who did all these fascinating interviews with me said she sees that I might have autistic traits, but all that I show isn’t enough to put me on to autistic spectrum. Then she was clearing things up for my Mum and me. That very many people show autistic traits, but they aren’t on the spectrum etc. bla bla bla, as far as I can remember she even said there is a connection with blindness and autism, so there’s like higher risk or something. Actually I know that as a little child, before 6 years old I think, I had much more autistic or autism-like symptoms. Like sensorisms or being easily overstimulated and others. She also said laughing that my interests are too many to look like in typical autistic person and that although most of them are not typical, they are quite wide actually. Which I now agree with. She also talked with my Mum and the lady from the boarding school, who still expressed some doubts about the outcome of the interviews.
The lady from the autism centre told me some things that helped me to realise at least a bit that things I feel, fear, enjoy are more valid than I think.
After some time though the staff from boarding school decided to make one more test. They didn’t even tell my Mum about it only when it was already done. They took me to a psychological clinic where one very cold and self-confident lady wanted to talk to me.
The school staff had to tell her about my love for writing, I enjoyed writing fictional short stories back then very much.
They were about a little creature I’ve made up. I called him Parpill. And he had different adventures. Most often quite childish, but also some maybe a bit peculiar, like when he was in prison. 😀 Some were horrific a bit, like when his whole family got sick with malaria, but nothing too bad, just things most children in their early teens wouldn’t come up with. 😀 My Art teacher helped me to project him. Her husband worked in a printing house so she got me some so called professional paper and booklets and she herself ilustrated my short stories whenever she had some free time and wrote them in normal print after I wrote it in Braille. I really really enjoyed doing it with her. Now I have a whole series of my Parpills books at home and I am proud of them although they are very childish, but that’s obvious I guess.
So to my big surprise, that cold lady from the clinic, after some very basic questions, asked me straight away: “You write about the Parpills, right?”. “Yes I do”. “You believe they exist?”. “Errm… sorry, what do you mean?” “Do Parpills exist?” “Surely not! Why would they? They are my own creatures created by me, I wouldn’t like them to exist, everyone could see them then and knwo everything about them” “But do you see them?” “No I can’t see obviously and they don’t exist”. That’s of course not the exact dialogue, only some bits I remember now, some more ridiculous ones. Basically she insisted I do see my Parpills and I live in my imaginary world and I should be more in the reality. So she told me that if I want to write anything, I would do much better if I’d write about our everyday life in the group.
You know guys, she couldn’t say something more wrong to me. I think that then my individualism was maybe even a bit too much expressed, but as for the circumstances and my age it isn’t a big wonder for me. But what I want to say is that I hated to think about myself as “a part of the group”, or class, or as an element of pretty much any community besides my family.
If you have any doubts yet, I obviously didn’t write anything about the group. But I also didn’t write anything about Parpill since then.
I don’t know when they told my Mum about that appointment, but I got to know everything about it years afterwards. I had already left that school and talked to my Mum about it. She told me they wanted to diagnose me with schizophrenia. And it’s still difficult for me to believe in it. Cuz… why? Or maybe Parpills really exist but I am schizophrenic because I deny it and claim I created them? Freaky world. I don’t get it anyway. Mum said that she was very irritated by that when the staff told her about what they did and she didn’t believe it either. So they kept apologising her and that they thought so because of me being so withdrawn and “overly imaginative” and because of the anxiety and that they know they did wrong and that psychologist was wrong as well, they know I don’t believe in Parpills.
Now as I think about it more, I am laughing, with some frustration, but laughing, but it really wasn’t fun when I got to know all that from my Mum, especially that I was in quite a crisis then even besides it.
Then they stopped with making up diagnoses for me, luckily. I am interested what would be their next pick. 😀
But my emotional issues stayed with me and sharpened. At the age of 15-ish I started to self harm. I didn’t have any meltdowns any longer. I cut myself and relished physical pain because it let me run away from all the MishMash inside me. Plus I could proof myself I am strong, at least with pain, if not mentally. It has always been my kind of complex, that I am not enough strong mentally, ’cause I haven’t dealt well enough with all that I had to deal. I also burned myself. But I didn’t want my scars to be visible, like it wasn’t because I wanted attention. I just wanted to manage it somehow. And i made myself ill on purpose, either to just be left alone and not need to do anything, as I was very depressed and even things like getting dressed were like huge challenges, or because I wanted home/not go back to school, or just for to self harm and maybe even die, accidentally, it wouldn’t be that bad. So I did things like walking barefoot on the snow on our terrace to go to school. Yes I know, really crazy things. I wasn’t very suicidal like hadn’t suicidal ideations, but often thought how nice it would be to just die and not exist.
I used I-doses. For those of you who don’t know what Idoser and Doses are, Idoser is an app and Doses are binaural sounds used with that app, that impact your brain like drugs do. They say they’re not addictive, but they make damage to the brain. I didn’t know it at first, I just wanted to use them to have some relief and also it was my way of rebellion. My school was religious, I started to be a Goth and turned myself back from God. I believed in Emilie Autumn instead lol. And wanted to be Wiccan. I didn’t realise that I am also worrying my family, who are genuinely and deeply religious. You can’t use drugs in school area. But I felt smarter than their rules. I was doing it. And no one, besides a few girls of my group and a few classmates with whom I shared some Doses, didn’t know anything.
And I practiced things like OOBE, LD and stuff, which seemed to give me some relief at first, but complicated things even more with time. And I think now that they also contributed to that my sleep is even worse and that I have sleep paralysis regularly. My Mum thinks so too.
After some time eople started to see that I do really strange things with myself, some nuns tried to talk to me about out of body experiences and lucid dreams that they are bad, that I shouldn’t use drugs wherever I get them or whatever it is I take. But I didn’t care and I kept denying that I take anything. Or actually I did care, I started to notice it was bad, but I didn’t want to stop, ’cause it still provided a relief.
I gave up on these things only when I started to rediscover Christianity and realised how bad it all is. Plus it was just my way of saying help me.
But with self harm I struggle to these days. Sometimes I may not cut for months, my record is about nine months, but it still comes back when I have a lot of emotions.
It also happened a few times that I felt very high and agitated, just exploding with joy, was alone at home, felt like I desperately need to talk with someone about it, but what I did was I cut myself. And I only realised afterwards what I actually did. Ugh…
I left the school at the age of seventeen with a master degree in stifling feelings. Sadly, I suppose that’s what I’ve learnt there the best.
It’s not that I only had bad things happening to me there. I would be extremely ungrateful to say so, but still, mainly bad things.
The next school year after I lived I went to the psychiatrist who was very helpful for me and, what I appreciated the most, honest and open. She finally called my problem by it’s name, said that I suppress all my emotions and that I have reactive depression.
It was four years ago. Now I still struggle with stifling emotions. I am conscious of it, but it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. It’s always very hard for me to tell people what I feel, to open up to them and to express it. It’s hard for me to tell them what I feel to them. Sometimes I perceive talking to someone about my feelings simply as a disgrace. And sometimes I stifle everything before I can even think. That’s why people may think I am not honest with them, or even two-faced, cold and haughty. Moreover, I myself sometimes ask myself what I really feel and what is true about me. I am good at introspection, naming and differentiating feelings and see them very well in others, but my own feelings seem to hide from me so often or mix together so I can’t often even tell what exactly I feel ’cause it’s like a blending of many many emotions and I see them as from a distance. Or I can’t tell why even more often. I know a lot about myself, but some areas are totally unknown for me, and that sucks. It’s hard to work with yourself and process things when you feel like you don’t have connection with yourself. But I try, and I think I’m making some baby steps forward. Of course there are always three steps backwards and one step forward, but it’s always something. Especially that as for now I don’t have regular therapy. I talk with my former therapist on the phone from time to time, she always thinks about me and finds some time for me and it even happened that when I was in crisis and had noone to talk openly to, she was able and willing to talk to me at such crazy times like 6 AM, even though had so many other things to do. But she’s really very busy and needed to cut out some people’s hours from her schedule, as she has many clients and also other jobs. A few of them! But we talk like once a month and the rest of the work is entirely mine. It’s hard.
What I’d like to tell you in this post is that if you do this too, if you stifle your emotions for any reason, it’s not a cure for your problem. It’s inversely. It will only worsen everything. It’s a simple physical reaction. You can’t pull everything you feel inside. With time, there won’t be anymore place and you will just explode. In this way, or another. And believe me, none of these ways is nice or helpful to your life situation. I know it’s hard to unlearn it, but at least try to. It will truly help you.
For those of you who don’t struggle with tis issue. If you know someone who seems to be detached, like they don’t care for others or don’t show their affection, are cold, haughty or don’t trust you where as you think they should, because you are in relationship for instance, please try to not be judgmental. It’s very likely just their mask. It’s difficult, but try to look a bit deeper. Try to help them get rid of it. Are you still here? 😀
Congrats, and a big thank you, if you got through this post. It matters a lot to me. I can’t believe I wrote all that. I’m not really sure I did well, but maybe it will help someone. And I feel a bit lighter as I wrote about it. Again, thanks for reading. 🙂
Ugh, wanted to write post with Misha, as it is his birthday today, or rather was, because it’s already past midnight here, wanted to pick a song of the day and write other stuff, but seems like it’ll have to wait.

Tuesday daily inspiration

Omg this is so true! That’s what my Swedish teacher kept saying to me, “Don’t fear to make a mistake”. And, while languagewise it’s not a problem for me, I know that mistakes are developing and I always have distance to them and try to learn to them, in life and interactions with people etc. it’s differently. I often do fear to make a mistake. And then I often regret I didn’t do anything. So I need to remember this.

Therapy Bits

“One of the greatest handicaps is to fear a mistake. You have stopped yourself. You have to move freely into the arena, not just to wait for the perfect situation, the perfect moment… If you have to make a mistake, it’s better to make a mistake of action than one of inaction. If I had the opportunity again, I would take chances.
Federico Fellini

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Song of the day – Declan Galbraith – “Strange World”.

Hi all! 🙂

Another quite special piece today. Also from one of my musical crushes. I was on top of this crush in secondary and it was quite intense, in a totally different way than it was with Enya, with Declan it was quite like a typical crush.

Declan Galbraith is from Kent in England, but his dad is Scottish and mum is Irish. He started his career in 2002 when he was only eleven years old. He released his debut album back then and it consisted mainly of covers of more or less popular songs, also a few traditional ones. Actually, each of his albums has quite a different vibe. The second one was released when he was about 15 and was in a similar style, although he sounds more like a teenager on it so that’s what changes the vibe on it. The next album was released a year after when he already underwent voice mutation and this album is a bit more rock-like, but still more pop than rock. Then he had a long break because of studies and stuff and came back two years ago with some demo songs and a new single. And that’s what surprised me in his music the most. First thing is that he started to write his own lyrics. And often they are quite striking, I’d say. And his music style is a bit more, hm, sophisticated, a little bit more alternative. It’s not like a major change, but of this kind you can notice immediately if you’re familiar with his music. I felt somehow relieved because sometimes I felt a bit concerned. I noticed that he has quite a lot of fans who at the same time are fans of people like Bieber or One Direction or such, like my Zofijka, which really annoyed me tbh because I don’t think Bieber’s popularity is really a matter of his talent, but that’s just my personal opinion. So yeah, I was relieved to see that he goes in a slightly different direction and won’t be mixed with globally popular young pop stars. Zofijka also liked Declan and still likes his earlier songs, but when I showed her his single and some of other new songs, she was like meh, that’s not my style at all haha.

He’s not that very popular, actually I think it’s a bit weird but he seems much much more popular in Germany than in UK, which is his motherland. He also has a small bunch of fans in Poland, but really, rather very very small.

The song I wanna share with you is one of Declan’s demo songs that were only published online. It’s called “Strange World” and its lyrics really do speak to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1CCti9YfrI

[categories Fascinations,Music]

And she cries

This is so sad, but beautiful. I love it. So wanted to share. 🙂

Therapy Bits

her stomach churns
her head burns
and she cries
her eyes fill
the tears spill
and she cries
her thoughts race
as she starts to pace
and she cries
the panic rises
in her chest
and she cries
she opens the door
stares at the floor
and she cries
she wants to run
but she cant move
she is stuck
stuck in the memory
and she cries

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Baby name game.

I wanted to share with you something that I’ve found on one of my favourite blogs about baby names, The Name Garden, which is on Tumblr. The post I want to share is a name game, the link is here:

http://thenamegarden.com/post/168092139151/welcome-to-the-last-of-our-baby-name-games-using

If you like baby name games and have never seen this blog, I strongly recommend you to have a look at it. So if you have Tumblr, you can comment on there about which names of these baby announcements would you pick for your children. Also I am very curious about it so I’ll be happy if you would share your choices with me. Here are mine, since we can pick names for three or more children, I will pick for more.

Jack Michael, Eleanora Ann, Liam Daniel, Isabelle Elizabeth, Angus Philip, Seamus Noel, Gabriella Nancy and AnnaLeigh Jayella.

Misha here. *long post*

Some things in brackets are from me, not from Misha.

Hhrrrru?

A very Mish welcome for all of you. I always say hhrrru? when I greet someone.

I am Misha, but I guess everybody already has noticed it. Actually, I think I should introduce myself, but dunno how to do it on the Internet. And I’ve never written anything in English before. Emilia always talks to me in different languages so that I’m often confused which is which. Usually, if you came to me, I’d come close to you, if I would feel like it and maybe, maybe would let you stroke me. Sometimes, if I like someone very much, I greet them verbally as well, saying hhrrru?, but I need to trust them a bit.

I hope I can introduce myself well. I am almost two, will have birthday on Tuesday, Mila says that for humans it will be like 30 years or more, so yes, I’m adult. I’m not a baby, but everyone treats me like a baby and this is very, very, veeery tiring. And unfair. But sometimes good. I am a Russian blue cat, I am thoroughbred, but I’ve no idea why or if it matters. For some people it seems to have a huge meaning. I cost a pile of brass – so says Zofijka. If I were a human, apparently I’d be a tsar of All Russia – so says my human mum. I don’t know neither what is brass nor what is the tsar of All Russia, but I do know, that it’s probably a compliment. They always tell me compliments. “Misha, you are so pretty”. “Misha, you’re so soft”. “Misha, you smell so nice”. Sometimes it’s fine, but sometimes boring. Most often it is boring. I am rather small. I eat very much, but you can see most of my bones and I don’t grow at all. I’ll probably stay this way, pity, but Zofijka and Mila say, that this is very good. My fur is grey, but glitters a bit blu-like, so that’s why I’m kind of blue. My eyes are green. I am very smooth and soft, some people lay on me because of this and won’t even think that maybe it bothers me and I can barely breathe. Am I a pillow or what? But you can’t talk to people. I have really big ears. Well I guess not so very big, but my head is small, so it looks like they were big. I like to look at myself in the mirror. Or on the photos. I love to drink water, from wherever I can, only not from my own bowl, it’s so boring. It’s better to drink water from the flowerpot. I like to look at birds, catch and eat flies, mosquitoes and spiders. My human mum is deadly afraid of spiders and always calls me very shrilly, when any comes to visit me.

I very, very, very dislike noisy sounds. I had to get used to them a bit, because Zofijka makes always very loud sounds, but I dislike when someone yells at me, screams “Misha!” so loudly, or when something is playing loudly, or when Zofijka tells me something to the ear. I will hear her anyway, won’t I? I always slap her face with my ears then. They mistreat me very much, don’t you think so? I am very poor.And I can’t get chicken breasts everyday, as I’d like, and there arent’ as many cartboard in our house as I’d like and I often can’t do what I want.

But the worst is that I can’t go outside on the backyard. OK, sometimes I can, on the terrace, but really rarely, and what do I have of it? It isn’t a pleasure. Some cats run allover their backyard, we have such wild cats on our backyard and they still call me and then I meow loudly as well. Other cats run, but whenever I only get a bit away, everyone runs after me immediately and shout Misha. Mila says that’s because I am so pretty and someone would steal me at once. But I would come back quickly, really. I’d just look around the whole world and I would come back. And my human mum says, that if I want to lounge on all the beds and lie in the bedsheets, especially at Mila’s, ’cause she is allergic to me, I surely won’t go outside, because if I don’t go out, she isn’t allergic almost at all. And I can catch some illness, because they haven’t vaccinated me. I don’t get these people. But other than that I think I’m happy. Cuz I can do many things, I don’t have to eat only my food, like apparently many cats have to, I get chicken and rabbit and lots of snacks and fish yummmm and kabanosy, mine and for humans and sausage. Today I didn’t get anything besides cat food and some usual snacks which Mila gives me everyday.

I have very sensitive tummy and sometimes when I eat something unhealthy or too much of food it happens that I throw up. It rarely happens, but when it does, I am always very surprised and everyone yells at me and calls me names. Mum says to me what have you done you blockhead (well, sheep, not blockhead literally, it’s ridiculous, I’m not a sheep, don’t you see?). Sometimes she also says that’s because I gnaw away sausage like a Russian hick and then she says I have some diet. I don’t know what is diet and where I have it, but I don’t wanna know, I don’t like it anyway. But I always get something the next day and they share with me if they eat any meat. But when they eat meat and I can’t, I am always very sad and sit alone somewhere. It’s especially sad when I’ve never eaten something they’re eating without me and it smells nicely. Why can’t they ever guess that maybe I wanna eat it too?

I don’t know any animals, only from a distance.

I know only one dog, who was with us before for a few days. Her name was Peppa and she liked me very much, like everyone does, I liked her too. We played together. And then she ran away and I was a bit sad. I like people, but I’d like to get to know some animals, because I’m bored sometimes, when nobody’s at home. One of my younger brothers was supposed to be with us before, Mila wanted to call him Sasha, but he was born ill so didn’t come to us.

My real mum’s name is Hansa Luft and apparently she is very pretty. ZOfijka saw her. But nobody have ever seen my dad, ’cause he lives abroad. He’s Czech and his name is Jupiter. Did I mention, that I like cartonboards very much?

If I didn’t, I do now. I like cartonboards very much. As every cat, but I am exceptional anyway and I know it. I had one cartonboard on Mila’s table for a very long time, but it picked dust and lots of my fur was inside so mum had to take it away and throw out. I slept there very often during the day. I have also one at Zofijka’s, one in my human parents’ room and many cartonboards are downstairs in the laundry and in the cellar and in the garrage, but they rarely let me in there, because they always close the door there, I don’t know why and then it bothers them when I groan that I want out. And then I have dirty paws when I go in there.

I have many others beds too. At night, most often I sleep in the basket, which stands on Mila’s bed, or I loll with someone on the bedsheets, but I don’t like to loll on the bedsheets for the entire night, ’cause people toss and turn awfully lot and sometimes for example while they sleep, they lay on my tail. It doesn’t hurt, but pisses off, cuz you can’t move and when you move, they wake up immediately and mumble Misha don’t go, you are so warm. That is my destiny. I also have a bed on Mila’s or Zofijka’s wardrobe. Mila doesn’t like, when I lay down on her wardrobe in the basket that stands there, if I lie on Zofijka’s wardrobe, it’s because I don’t want anyone to bother me.

I also like sometimes to sleep in another, smaller room that Zofijka has, on the sofa or wherever else. And I like to sleep on the suitcases in mum’s dressing room, or inside of them. I like to go into the bags, even to strangers’ bags, when they come to us and I check how it smells like in there. Honestly, I prefer their bags from themselves, if someone comes without one, I almost don’t pay any attention to them. Once I squeezed in one lady’s bag and she took a picture of me and sent to Facebook, and everyone chattered about it all day long. I can pose to photos very well. The only thing that pisses me off are these flashes in cameras and when someone wants me to pose for a long time, no, I don’t agree. One photo and I go away. I don’t like and I can’t play with cat toys. I prefer feathers, especially those which smell like forest and birds, sticks, rubbers, hair-bands, and the most – Zofijka.

Zofijka has her disatvantages, but you can play with her hide and seek, jump on her back – on everyone’s you can, jump over her, pounce on her, roll with her on the floor… But does she really have to scream all the time, and carry me in baby carriage? And catch me, when I have other plans? When I was younger, I was very afraid of Zofijka. But now I know what to do to not be bothered by her so much and where to hide. And when I hide from her, mum says Misha you are not that stupid. Thanks. But who said I am?

I like to bite plants. Mila says I have a chloro-something defficiency and they’ll need to buy me some vitamins. Once I’ve bitten Christmas tree and then puked. I like oils as well.

Our mummy has very many bottles with oils, once she greased me just for fun with coconut oil, so I could smell nicely and I liked it a lot.

I also like to lick people’s fingers when they have oil on them, or when they smell with meat. I like to smell freshly used socks, especially Olek’s. I don’t drink milk. It’s not healthy for me and it’s not healthy for all cats, which don’t drink their mums’ milk. So says my present mum.

Well, it has to be so. If I drink milk, i need to rush to the loo and I sometimes need to run there a few times. Luckily I run very fast. But instead sometimes, very rarely, I get some yoghurt, kefir or buttermilk or whey, Zofijka once shared with me some of her vanilla pudding. Ahhhh! How delicious it was. I still dream about it sometimes.

Apparently sometimes I mutter something while sleeping. Not purr like cats normally do, I talk something in my Mishy language. Mila says so. Most often I have very serene and calm dreams, but sometimes I dream that I run away from someone and my muscles are jumping in all my paws and I wake up a bit frightened, but I stop thinking about it quickly and fall asleep again. I like different smelly things. Not all, but many. I won’t tell you which, cuz people really don’t like many of these things. I can growl almost like a dog, when something really hurts me. It isn’t funny at all. Ah, and people often laugh at me. I hate when Olek annoys me and plays meowing cats on his phone, then I don’t know, where they are and am very afraid and I feel like running very far away. I like to wallow in carrier bags, it’s the best when someone puts me into a carrier bag and walks with me like with groceries.

I can’t stand when they call me “she”.

Zofijka’s friends often do so. Not only that they scream, but also: “Oh, Mishka, awwww, you’re so pretty. Why did she run away?” Other people say so too, even though often finally either mum or Mila can’t stand this too and says that I am a guy. But they pretend they don’t hear it, like me, anyway they often do so. (Misha ends with an A, like almost all Polish feminine names, that’s why people get confused).

Also I hate when Zofijka calls me Michelle, or woman. She says so when I’m afraid of something or cry a lot. Mila comforts me that Michelle is also a French name for guys, but I don’t care, I am Misha, not Michelle. That I can’t have children, it doesn’t mean I’m a woman.

It is me who watches over it all here and if not me, this house would turn upside down.

They call me names very often.

All of them.

I have many nicknames.

Putin, Sakashvili (Sakashvili’s name is Mikheil, so Misha), Mysza (it literally can mean big mouse in Polish), Miska (bowl in Polish), Misa and Micha (big bowl), Miseczka (small bowl), Mishołów (a word game on the word “myszołów” which means buzzard), Mishmasz or Mishmash, Misha klisza, Mishka kiszka, The Grey Brother, Clochard, Sackful of Potatoes… And my terrible human father always calls me either skunk or duffer. Or Sakashvili sometimes. And I totally don’t know what it all means.

I don’t like to be lonely. I always cry a lot then until I fall asleep and I am very sad and when everyone comes back, I lay down at the door and wait for someone to snuggle me and roll me on the floor.

Everybody says then that I fainted, because I lay down on the floor so suddenly. The best it would be if everyone would always be at home, but if I could have some only mine, Mishy place, where noone could bother me and I’d take care of myself there and if I’d like, I’d come out for food, play or cuddles.

I hope I didn’t bore you. I know, my life is very boring. I even don’t know any animals closer, any cats, and I’ve never eaten a bee, but I’d really like to, cuz one day I saw such a big, pretty bee and almost chased it. Sometimes though something happens in my life and if you’d like, I can talk to you about it.

If I will feel like it.

Mishest regards to all.

Misha

Song of the day – Enya – “Evacuee”.

Hey people. 🙂

Today’s song is quite exceptional. For two reasons. First is that Enya is one of my all time favourite artists, I’d even say that one of my crushes in some way, my first musical crush I’d say. I have a lot of memories related to her music, I find it very therapeutical and soothing and it was with me especially in the most hard times in my life. The second reason is that this particular song has a huge personal meaning for me.

I was at boarding school for the blind for like 10 years since I was 5 and it was a very hard time for me for various reasons. I just didn’t cope well with it. It still has a major impact on my emotions and as I suppose is one of bigger factors that have contributed to my present mental struggles, I’ve already told you that I was diagnosed with reactive depression after I left that school. One of those hard things I had such difficulty coping there, was simply homesickness. Since I’m not the most adaptive being on Earth sometimes it could hit me really strong so that finally I started to self harm in various ways. At this time I secretly considered Enya kind of my second mummy. And this song is just about it. About how hard can be homesickness to manage it when you’re a kid. Luckily now it doesn’t regard me, but since it describes my past and my feelings so well, it always moves me very deeply so that even now it sometimes happens that I’m crying when listening to it. I really love this song and think that even if you don’t resonate with it the way I do, it’s very expressive and it’s easy to feel it. Enya’s music usually affects people quite a lot. I like the fact that I have sort of my own song which describes so accurately my past feelings. It’s somehow easier to process it then. By the way I’m curious what inspired Enya (or actually Roma Ryan, her songwriter) to write about this. As far as I know, Enya herself was at kind of a boarding school linked to a monastery in Milford, but she went there in her teens and as she said she actually liked to be there as she had more freedom and independency there than at home where she had lots of older siblings and of course parents who tended to make all the decisions for her.

Here’s the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRrVYvHyXAo

I’m curious what your impressions will be like.

Quiet Saturday.

Today I am also having a very nice day. It’s 7 PM now here as I am starting to write this post. My mood is still rather uplifted which I am happy about. And I slept really well again, although quite long, I definitely didn’t plan to sleep for so long and didn’t want it to be honest. I fell asleep around midnight and woke up at 10 AM. I spent a lot of time today with Zofijka. Also I learned some Welsh. Guys I can’t believe it I am at challenge 5 of level 2 already. It goes so fast. I am still far from efficient or fluent in this language, but still… it is an Achievement, even if it’s always rather easy for me to learn languages. Welsh is pretty different from any other language I’ve spoken before. One day I want to speak all the Celtic languages fluently. Hope it’s not too big dream to achieve.

Also, staying with Celtic stuff, I’ve been discovering a lot of Cornish music lately. Recently I realised that despite my love to Celtic music and culture and Cornish language, I don’t know that much Cornish music. So decided to change it. And today I discovered quite a bunch of great songs and artists.

Today my grandparents from Mum’s side visited us and stayed for lunch. We are a bit concerned about grandad, he’s having very severe spine pain, so severe that it also affects his arm and hand. It’s so hard that he was supposed to put on morphine but he’s allergic so has to take horrid amounts of pain killers. And it all affected his health in general. You see, he was quite a strong man, tall and well-built, very fit. And now, in maybe three or four months he become much skinnier, I mean almost scrawny (don’t know if that’s the correct word for it for sure, but hope you know what I wanted to say and seems faint and barely eats. And now he told us he has spine surgery planned for 13th February. As he says it won’t be really complicated, even though what he suffers from is discopathy so quite complex stuff I suppose. We really hope all goes well. My Mum is very worried.

OK, so that’s all from me for today. Hopefully tomorrow we can write something with Misha, at least his intro or something like this. Wanted to do it today, but now I don’t think I’ll be able to.

First day of winter holidays.

Yes, today in our voivodeship (voivodeship is something like a Polish province or county) winter holidays are starting. However it didn’t have a big impact on neither me nor my family this year.

I am still in education, it is a part time school for adults, something close to college and high school in English-speaking countries, but more like high school, because the subjects are more general and in normal situation, 16-19-year-olds are attending to this kind of school. But because of my blindness and the fact that my school is just a mainstream school and not really prepared for having blind students, as well as because of my mental difficulties, it’s easier and just better for me to learn on my own and so I do. My teachers just send me the syllabus every term and I usually go to school only for exams and send them my control assignments by email.

So actually I don’t feel that much that there are holidays now, but I am happy, extremely happy, because my exam session is over and I can slow down for a while before I’ll again start to prepare to my final exam, which is called matura over here. It was a really intense term and I felt pretty drained after all the exams.

My younger siblings didn’t feel it either. My 17-year-old brother (olek) is working either way and my 10-year-old sis Zofijka is ill since last week so doesn’t go to school at all.

Zofijka seems to be very unlucky this year. Despite she is a very fit kid, plays different sports and is just so extremely active, she is ill for the fourth time since autumn. So it’s a bit concerning, but now my Mum is keeping her home and is very strict as for this, she can’t go out just ANYWHERE. This is a tragedy for such a lively and easy-bored kid, as you can imagine.

My day today went really nice. The main thing I focused on today was this blog. Well, actually I was focusing on it for the last few days, desperately trying to set it up so that now I can’t believe I finally did it. 😀 Really really thrilled.

I woke up today very early because of my cat Misha. I am often very anxious at night so if it is only possible and if Misha agrees on it, I sleep with him in my room. He has his own bed, which is a basket, standing on my bed, so that I can cuddle with him at night if we want and if I need to. He also has plenty of toys and hideouts allover my room, so that I actually should say it’s “our room” not mine. So every morning when Misha wakes up he meows at me to let him out if he’s hungry or wants to see what’s up downstairs. Normally he isn’t a very cuddly creature, but today when he stood at the door meowing and I came to him, he let me snuggle him for quite a while and seemed really content.

Every day I spend quite a lot of time with Zofijka, despite quite a big age difference between us we have a rather strong relationship and she likes to play with me or talk about things that matter to her. With some topics, she is even more open with me than with Mum, so she talks to me practically about everyting that she has on her mind. We played a very funny game called “7 Seconds” on Zofijka’s smartphone. Basically in this game every participant gets a random task to do in 7 seconds, sometimes things you have to do are really funny. If you succeed, you get a point. What made us rolling on the floor today was one of Zofijka’s tasks. She had to open the window and shoutt: “Someone, catch me, I’m jumping!”. 😀 Luckily no one was on the street. But she didn’t scream very loud so I hope she wasn’t heard by many people.

Besides playing with Zofijka, cuddling with Misha and setting up my blog, I also went with my Dad to the church, because today is my grandad’s 14th death anniversary.

Right now I am sitting in my room, listening to music and drinking raspberry tea. Some time ago I got to know that my aunt will have a cat of the same breed as Misha is and from the same breeding. My Mum just went with her to pick him up. I’m curious what he’ll be like and whether he’ll be much like Misha or not. But probably it will be some time until I’ll be able to see him.

OK, that’s all from me for today. How is your day going? Did anything nice happen to you?

Song Of The Day – Gwenno – “Tir Ha Mor”.

So to finally set in to some blogging routine, I am sharing with you my first song of the day, with a little background to it. This first song will be much in the style of music I am listening to the most right now.

Gwenno Saunders (known more widely just as Gwenno) is a Welsh artist, singing in Welsh, but even though I think her music is very accessible to non Welsh speakers. She’s a musician, keyboardist and dancer. Her music is defined as electro pop. Gwenno is also half Cornish – her father is from Cornwall and talked to her in Cornish when she was a child so she is also fluent in this beautiful language.

“Tir Ha Mor” is the first single of her album which will come out on the 2nd of March.

Enjoy! 🙂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rCeygWexyA

First post.

Hi hi people! 🙂

So thrilled and happy that I finally have this blog. 🙂

I’d like to once again give a very warm welcome to all my readers. Since I wrote quite a lot about myself in the about me page, I think I won’t do it now again.

This first post is just to wish you a very nice time here in My Inner MishMash. I hope you’ll enjoy being here as much as I’m enjoying now.