Share Your World – March 19, 2018.

What is your earliest memory?

Many people with whom I’ve shared this memory say it’s impossible to have such early memories, as I was 2 years old then, but anyway I remember it and it is too vivid and subjective to be just something I remember from what others told me, in my opinion, also when I talked to my parents about it they told me they never knew that I perceived that situation this way.

This memory is about my brother’s birth, or rather a bit afterwards. I only remember that me and Dad went to Mum to the hospital, after he was born. I remember being in the lift for the first time and being a little bit afraid, I was often afraid of such kind of motion, something moving up and down, because of my balance issues. Then we came in to the room where Mum lied, she was rather weak and didn’t talk much as she probably still was under the influence of anesthetics (we were all born through caesaeran section). She let me touch her tummy and the impresson of this moment has stayed with me for very long. I felt her stitches and it somehow moved me very deeply. I know I felt like it is my brother’s fault and it has to be very painful for Mum. I told them he had to be terrible if she now looks like this and my Dad was laughing he surely is an absolute monster. Then I remember us leaving and being n the lift again and going out of the hospital and nothing more about it. But I’ve often thought this situation had to have some significant influence on me. My parents told me, and I remember some bits and pieces myself, that I was often pretty rude for Olek, yelling at him or punching him all of the sudden and not letting him touch me, although it wasn’t a long period of time, but I guess we never had a proper/normal sibling relationship, mainly because of our limited contact as I spent most of my childhood away from home.

Which way does the toilet paper roll go? Over or under?

Over.

What makes you feel grounded?

Having my feet on the ground, warmth, but not heat, touching Misha and his purr, soft, relaxing music, deep breathing, and for some reason which I don’t really get – the scent and taste of mint.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? ย Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha

, progress in my languages, blogging, strengthening relationship with my Mum. I was doing a lot of self care stuff this week, much more than usual. On Monday I had a very nice morning. Dad needed to do something in the port, he delivers fuel, often to ports, and has other things to do there related to his work as well. He offered my Mum to go with him and as she agreed, I decided to go with them too. While Dad was in the port, we were at the Sea

and it was very nice and beautiful and we had a great time together, we also spent a lot of time together after we got back home. Yesterday we all were in a restaurant and had a big dinner, very yummy. It was anxiety provoking, it is always very anxiety provoking for me to go out and there was a lot of people, I also find it rather stressful to eat among many people, but despite all that anxiety it was very nice, I can’t remember when was the last time before yesterday that I was in a restaurant. ๐Ÿ˜€ I guess more than a year ago. and although overall my week was rather uneventful, it was mostly good.

This challenge is hosted by Cee

. Thanks so much. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Currently, March 2018.

Currently is hosted by Anne In Residence

and Foxy’s Domestic Side

. This is my first time participating in Currently.

The prompts are planning, seeing, making, pretending and wearing.

Planning: an appt with a therapist specialising in personality disorders regarding whether or not I may have AVPD. We’ll see what will be next afterwards. As it seems very likely that I do have it, probably will see a psychiatrist to diagnose me then or something. Very, veryย  anxious, but equally, or even more, curious about what will come out. Don’t know what to expect really.

Seeing: Nothing, ha! ๐Ÿ˜€ At least not literally. Being totally blind since birth, there aren’t many things I could see, although I say I see something almost constantly. Or look at something. Like I think most blind people do, even when they just touch or hear things which sighted people can see. That’s just easier, although shocking for some. And no, I don’t see the dark/black. Just nothing, though I know it’s hard to imagine and different blind people see different things, depending on the cause of their sight loss, apparently. I’ll never forget one of my distant, older aunts’ย  shock when she heard me talking to someone on the phone and saying “See ya”. She was all indignant and like how could you say it, you can’t see! ๐Ÿ˜€

Making: progress in my languages. Although not so much in Swedish recently.

Pretending: oh, all the time. I know it may sound horrible, double-dealing and such, but that’s how it is and I don’t do it because of my whim. You know, there are situations you just need to pretend, or there are others when it’s hard to just be yourself.

Wearing – a dress, almost as always.

 

Share Your World – March 12, 2018.

If a distant uncle dies and you were always his favorite and leaves you $50,000 (any currency) in his will, what would you do?
I think I would share with my family and friends, buy another Russian blue cat for Misha, not as much because I want another one but because Misha seems to desperately crave other cat’s company, I would buy myself a house in the rural North Wales and would live there with my Mum. The rest I’d spend for my linguistic development and just for everyday life. That are ideas that came to me instantly.

What sound or sounds do you love?
First of all I am one of those lucky individuals who can experience ASMR so there are SOOOO MANY of such sounds, btw that’s a great idea for a separate post because I’m more than sure I won’t be able to write about all of them right now, they’re just too many. My favourite is the sound of Celtic harp, I generally like string instruments from Celtic harp to bouzouki to medieval lute to electric guitar, and many other instruments not only stringed of course too. I love all the sounds inside of Misha, his purrs, breath, heartbeat, his “Hhrrru?”, his meows, his sneezing, gurgling in his tummy, his steps, how he eats and drinks… I only don’t like the sound of him puking but I’m emetophobic so that’s not a surprise. ๐Ÿ˜€ I love the sound of my languages, various accents, particular words, I love the sound of typing, stilettoes, old doors, rain, my musical crushes’ voices, sounds of the kitchen… Just so many sounds of very different kinds.

Whatโ€™s your middle name? Why?
Anna, after my Mum. My second middle name is Luiza. Actually it’s my confirmation name and people often say confirmation name doesn’t count, but I feel like it does, firstly because it still IS my name in some way, secondly because it’s beautiful so… hm, why not? ๐Ÿ˜€ and thirdly because I use it in various situations and in some places online. I’ve loved it all the time even before my confirmation, but I slightly regret that I didn’t choose a name speciffically after a saint, not just because I like it, as it should be for confirmation. But back then I was just so much in love with Luiza and couldn’t see myself with other confirmation name. And I think it fits me. Plus there is servant of God Luisa Piccarreta, amazing figure, so I think about her as my patron. And doesn’t Emilia Anna Luiza flow well? ๐Ÿ˜€ Yeah, since I’ve changed my name legally a few years ago, I am really glad of it.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, blogging, progress in my language, my mood’s elevation, relatively low anxiety. I really appreciated the fact I’ve come closer to getting my actual psychiatric diagnosis, although it was also very hard – finding out that I’m AVPD almost for sure, my Mum’s support and help mean a lot to me. I feel like our relationship become somehow closer over last week. We talked through a lot of important things, I opened up to her more than I’ve done recently and she was honest with me as for her feelings. Lots of nice moments with Zofijka as well. And quite good sleep, at least after that one night during which I didn’t sleep at all. I appreciated the support and kind words of my online friends and my pen pals who were supporting me at the beginning of last week when I wasn’t in the best place emotionally. I am glad I’ve done my geography assignment, this is just one o many assignments I need to write for this term, but it’s always something, I’m glad I don’t need to worry about it any longer and can get it out of my head. On Sunday I had a very nice evening with my Mum, we went for a long walk and then had a drink. Ah, and my leg, on which I had an infection or something, a rather chronic thing, has finally healed almost completely, it doesn’t hurt anymore at all, although I know I’ll have a scar from it, ug. But actually I was afraid it’ll linger for for a longer time.Quite a lot, isn’t it?

Thanks to Cee for hosting. ๐Ÿ™‚

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/03/12/share-your-world-march-12-2018/

Versatile blogger award.

And I got nominated once again to the Versatile Blogger Award, this time by lovely ashley over at Mental Health At Home

Thanks so much, Ashley. ๐Ÿ™‚

But I think since I made the award post for the same award very recently, I won’t make another one now. Just wanted to mark the fact I was nominated again, thank Ashley and say I’m very happy about that. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Mystery blogger award.

Thanks sooo much to fabulous Carol Anne, blogging at Therapy Bits

for nominating me to this award. ๐Ÿ™‚ It means a lot to me. ๐Ÿ™‚ Check Carol Anne’s blog out, I’m sure you’ll like it. ๐Ÿ™‚ This is an award created by Okoto Oke Enigma

.

Rules are:

Put the award logo/image on your blog.

List the rules.

Thanks whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.

Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.

You have to nominate 10-20 people.

Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.

Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).

Share a link to your best post(s).

3 things about me:

1. I hate bananas.

2. My birth name wasn’t Emilia. I won’t tell you what it was, but it was related to English Margaret, or Marjorie, or Maisie… We in Polish don’t have as many forms of this name as you do, but we have a few, so, now you can guess which it was. ๐Ÿ˜€ I legally changed my name to Emilia three years ago, but was going by EMilia around people whom I trusted or who knew much about me or with people from other countries. With people who know me back then and with whom I’m not close, I’m still going by my old name.

3. I have allergy to cats, but seems like autosugesty is an enormous power. I am not allergic to Misha, or to much much smaller degree.

My nominees:

Ashley (Mental Health At Home)

,

Trina (It’s Good To Be Crazy Sometimes)

Marie (The So Alive Project)

Meagan (Tulip By Any Name)

Kourtney (Defining Yellow

Live Not Exist

 

And that would be unfortunately all, as being a new blogger, I am still at the stage of exploring the blogosphere, and also don’t want to nominate still only the same people to give you an opportunity to maybe find some news blog, not only nominate the people.

Questions to my nominees:

1. What’s your biggest fear?

2. What’s your biggest accomplishment in life?

3. How many Jacks or Jackies do you know and do you like them (this weird one).

4. Do you like your job? If you’re not working, what job would you like to have?

Do you write anything else besides on your blog?

My best posts?… Assuming from the amount of comments it would be:

Reasons why Iโ€™m learning Welsh. *long post*

I think that

name game

I did yesterday was quite a good idea to do, seems like many of you have liked it, and I think I did a good job making it.

The post about

stifling emotions

was good, but it’s just my opinion, maybe because it was so very challenging for me to write it and cost me quite a lot, but it was also a completely new, in some way interesting experience, however this post turned out a bit chaotic and rather lengthy, but actually I wanted it to be rather lengthy.

OK, that’s it for now, thanks again, Carol Anne. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Share your world, March 5, 2018.

What did you or did not like about the first place you lived without your parents?

The first place I lived without my parents was the boarding school for the blind where I went when I was 5 and stayed there until I was 17. Since it was about 380 km from my home, I didn’t see my parents very often, which I think is quite essential for a child’s well-being, although they tried to visit me or take me home as often as possible. Because I got there so early, I don’t think now it had a good influence on me overall and I suppose I could be more traumatised by living there than I’ve ever thought, although I still often wonder why as other kids didn’t seem to experience so many difficulties around that so it all still feels a bit odd to me. So, generally I’d say I didn’t like that place at all. But I can’t say there were only negatives about that. I had some nice moments in there, although I didn’t have any close friends I was rather liked and had often fun with other girls, and also I have learnt some things there that I suppose would be hard for me to learn at home.

What is your most favorite smell/scent?
Hmm, hard to say, I think I’ve never had very good sense of smell, sometimes I can’t quite feel a smell that everyone around is feeling even if they say it’s rather intensive, but it’s not like I can’t feel scents at all, I think it’s a bit random, so… I think I’ll pick jasmine. I like it and I like jasmine perfumes and I think they fit me.

Would you prefer snowy winters, or not, and why?
I like snow, but am not as excited about it as many people seem to be, also I don’t really feel like it’s making the atmosphere around very different or “Christmasy” as many people seem to think. I think there should be at least some snow in winter, otherwise we wouldn’t notice it’s winter, but not too much, as on a longer term basis it can be rather annoying and troublesome on the roads. and children would get used to it quickly so it wouldn’t be as much fun, I suppose.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? ย Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Generally it was quite a hard week for me, but of course there were things like Misha, doing stuff with my languages and even somehow progressing with them and other small but nice things and I enjoyed them more or less as always. I am glad I listened to my therapist’s suggestion and went to my GP last Monday and asked him to put me on the anti-anxiety med I was on a few years ago and it worked well for me. Now it does too and I seem to have less anxiety since then.

Thanks a lot to Cee

for hosting this challenge.:)

Meet and Greet: 3/3/18

Dream Big, Dream Often

ย 

Itโ€™s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!! ย Strap on your party shoes and join the fun! ย 

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.ย  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times! ย It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want. ย It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.ย  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

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The Versatile Blogger Award.

Thanks again to Carol Anne from Therapy Bits

for nominating me, this time for The Versatile Blogger Award. ๐Ÿ™‚ It means a lot to me.

The rules are as follows:

Thank the person who gave you this award and include a link to their blog.

Nominate blogs that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.

Share 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

My nominees:

Astrid from Blogging Astrid

, Realities from

Journey With DID

and Michelle from

Musings Of Meandering Spirits

. The 7 facts about me:

I love olives.

I had a cat before Misha named Kiki. He wasn’t officially mine as Misha is because my parents bought him, I don’t remember him very well as I was at the boarding school most of the time then, but I wasn’t very emotionally close to him.

3. I don’t like cosmetics smelling like food.

4. I have about 15 km to the seaside.

5. When I was born, there was a massive storm or other weather phenomenon, anyway our house was out of electricity, hence my Dad says I got used to the darkness and hence I can’t see. ๐Ÿ˜€

6. I don’t want to have children, but because I love names I like naming or helping with naming other people’s kids or playing baby name games.

7. I am a night owl.

 

The TMI tag.

Today I was tagged by absolutely great Carol Anne who blogs at Therapy Bits

to do the TMI tag. Here goes:

What are you currently wearing?

I got out of the shower a few minutes ago and now I’m in my pj’s and dressing gown.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Yes, multiple times.

DID YOU EVER HAD A TERRIBLE BREAKUP?

No.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

21.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

168 cm, or 5 feet 6 inches.

HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

45 kg, 7,09 stone.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS?

NoNe.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS?

None, I’d like to have one, but don’t have any creative ideas as for now.

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?

Mm, I like many things, but let’s pick kefir. I love kefir.

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?

Again, very many, but currently I’ve listened a lot to “Olivia” by Canyon City and it has somehow stuck in my head.

WHATS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

Aquarius.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO SHOWER?

Now, as I know I have skin issues and they get worse when I take longer showers, it is very quickly, like three minutes, max five, but I used to take pretty long showers before, even like 20 minutes. Although I’ve never measured the time precisely. ๐Ÿ˜€

whats favorite show?

I don’t watch a lot of TV so don’t really have any very favourite shows.

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND?

As for now, Plu, I think, is my most favourite, but I have many bands I love.

SOMETHING YOU REALLY MISS?

My best friend, well now I don’t know if he still is my best friend as he suddenly stopped writing back to me or contacting me and it lasts this way for quite a long time but I still miss him, but stopped trying to contact him as whatever is the reason, he certainly doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and being optrusive is what I dislike the most in people and wouldn’t like in myself as I know how pissing off it can be.

WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOURE SAD?

To my room.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET READY IN THE MORNING?

Depends on my mood and what I have to do. When I’m going somewhere or someone is coming to me, it’s no more than 20 minutes I think, but if I don’t have any plans, it can be even half an hour or if I’m very depressed then even more.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT?

Many times with my siblings. ๐Ÿ˜€ But nothing too serious.

WHAT TURNS YOU ON?

Sense of humour, intelligence, people named Jack or Jacek, people speaking my favourite languages, many things, too many maybe. ๐Ÿ˜€

WHAT TURNS YOU OFF?

Thoughtlessness, shallowness, optrusiveness, ignorance.

QUALITY YOU LOOK FOR IN A PARtner?

Caring, with similar values, intelligent, with a good sense of humour, passionate, versatile, emotional, enthusiastic, introverted.

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

Black, white, grey, blue, green. And silver.

LOUD MUSIC OR SOFT?

When I’m low, I usually listen to loud music, some rock or metal or Gothic stuff sometimes, I also like to listen to loud music when I’m very happy. But when I’m not toolow I mostly listen to soft music, or when I’m anxious.

FAVOURITE QUOTE?

“If you can sit in silence with a person for half an hour and yet be entirely comfortable, you and that person can be friends. If you cannot, friends you’ll never be and you need not waste time in trying” L. M. Montgomery “Blue Castle”.

Favorite actor?

My previous musical crush Cornelis Vreeswijk played also in a few films, so I choose him, or a Swedish actress Catrine Lundell whom I really admire because she’s an actress despite suffering from chronic and rare disease and in my opinion she plays really well.

DO YOUย  HAVE ANY FEARS? WHAT THEY ARE?

I could make a whole list of fears, and I might, just to see how many pages it will have. ๐Ÿ˜€ To mention a few: anything related to vomiting, interactions with people, heights, wasps, crowds, very large, open spaces, some speciffic sounds and (in some circumstances) silence.

WHATS THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU CRY?

Being simply overloaded by difficult emotions on my birthday, so a month ago.

MEANING BEHIND YOUR BLOG NAME?

My Inner MishMash relates to my cat’s name Misha and also to the fact that I always have a total mishmash of thoughts, ideas and emotions in my head, but this mishmash is my inner so usually you can feel more or less awarded if you get access to it ๐Ÿ˜€ and I like the word mishmash. As for “what plays in my brain” it’s a paraphrase of a Polish idiom which literally goes like “what plays in ones soul”. If someone asks you to tell them what plays in your soul, they encourage you to confide in them. I am very interested in human brain and all about it, hence “brain”, plus this blog is a place for me where I can write down my thoughts and feelings, and also share with you my favourite music, as music “plays in my brain” almost constantly.

LAST TIME YOU SAID YOU LOVED SOMEONE?

To Misha, about ten minutes ago.

LAST BOOK YOU READ?

“War Of Love” by Aleksander Fredro, my obligatory reading for school.

THE BOOK YOURE CURRENTLY READING?

“Treasures Of The Snow” by Patricia St. John.

LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED?

Mmm too long ago to remember. ๐Ÿ˜€

LAST PLACE YOU WERE?

Zofijka’s room.

LAST SPORT YOU PLAYED?

Horse riding two months ago.

WHOS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?

Zofijka.

LAST SONG YOU SANG?

Agnes Obel’s “River Side”.

aFAVORITE CHAT UP LINE?

Don’t have one. ๐Ÿ˜€

DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH.

I’ve had lots of very intensive crushes and so called musical crushes, as for now I don’t have any crush that I know in real life, but I have a musical crush called Gwilym Bowen Rhys and it is also a very intensive crush.

THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU AND THE PERSON YOU LAST TEXTED?

My Mum.

FAVORITE FOOD?

Anything spicy.

PLACE YOU WANT TO VISIT?

Sweden once again, UK, Ireland, Finland, Netherlands, Faroe Islands.

WHATS THE LAST TIME YOU KISSED SOMEONe?

Misha about 15 minutes ago.

LAST TIME YOU WERE INSULTED?

Can’t remember really. ๐Ÿ˜€

FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SWEET?

Chocolate I think. But it really depends what kind of sweet stuff it is.

WHAT INSTRUMENT DO YOU PLAY?

I’ve played piano at school and learned guitar for a while but didn’t play for ages and don’t think I remember anything from that. I feel much better as a listener than creator of music and I didn’t like the pressure on music we had at school but now I think it wasn’t that bad because I know something more about music than an average person can know which helps me in understanding and valuing it. I don’t know as much as fully musically educated person as I didn’t finish music school, but was attending to it for a couple years which gave me some understanding of things.

FAVORITE PIECE OF JEWELRY?

My ring made of agate.

LAST TIME YOU HUNG OUT WITH ANYONE?

IRL it had to be very long ago, as I can’t remember. ๐Ÿ˜€

I tag just anyone who’d like to participate. :

 

Month of blogging, yaaay!

Exactly. My Inner MishMash had its official birthday three days ago, but since I spent three days on setting it up, the actual birth took place on 26th of January. So far I am really excited with blogging and everything about that, moreover, I feel like it never was as enjoyable for me and as successful on any with my previous blogs as it is now.

Also I would like to thank you all who are following my blog, reading, liking and commenting my posts, I am extremely grateful to you and so very happy you are here.

But I am also curious if you like it here and what speciffically you like here, hence I thought I will make a poll.

Thanks in advance for voting and I will be even more thankful if you have any suggestions or ideas about what you’d like to see here in future and if you will let me know about them in the comments. I have some ideas I would like to start in future, but as ideas are never too many, yours will be enormously appreciated as well. Also feel free to give me any additional honest feedback in the comments if you’d like to.

 

Share Your World – February 26, 2018.

What are you reading right now?
We have so called obligatory readings in all the schools in Poland and I’m now reading one of those which are obligatory for our term, it is a comedy called in English “War Of Love” written by ALeksander Fredro. I love reading, but obligatory readings are usually fairly boring and this one isn’t an exception.

What was your first adult job?
My first and current job is being an office worker in my Dad’s company. There are only two of us in it, he had to register his own company to be employed in the company he’s working for now. He’s a tank driver. I don’t have my work to do, practically what I do is helping Dad with some tech stuff as even things like typing are like black magic for him. Also I answer to emails send to him. It isn’t anything exciting, but I earn some money which I can either spend on anything I want for myself, as I live with my family and don’t have to buy basic things like food for my own money, or I can save them for the future as I still don’t know what I will/want to do later in life. I appreciate it a lot and my Dad does too as because I’m disabled, he doesn’t lose any money when he pays me, he gets the same amount back from the fund for disabled people or however it should be called in English.

Whatโ€™s your favorite breakfast cereal?
Cini Miiiiniiiis!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m crazy for them and my siblings are too. I like them both with milk and dry. I like Chocapic too, I most often eat them with yoghurt, as well as those cereal that look like pillows and have different fillings, I forgot how they’re called. I love Cheerios too but rarely have them.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? ย Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, progress in my languages, blogging, writing more of my book, a self care evening I had on Friday with a long hot bath and Jack Daniels with Pepsi, listening to lots of good music, testing my Mum’s new electrostimulator which was funny and I’ve never used it before and didn’t have the slightest idea about how it works, trying some yummy food.

Thanks for hosting to Cee’s Photography

๐Ÿ™‚

What’s your favourite?

Today is #WYF day at Revenge Of Eve

and the question is about your favourite colour.

Well when I was blogging in Polish on the platform for the blind I once asked people this question and it started a long discussion about how strange it is when people ask the blind about their fav colours. I’m totally blind since birth and I don’t see anything strange in it. I’ve always had my favourite colour, or, as it is now, even a few colours. What is really strange is that although I’ve never seen any colours obviously, I have some things I associate with them or imagine when I think about them and according to many sighted people I talked about it to, they are pretty accurate to how these colours really look. I know which fit with which, which are lively or calm, can distinguish some shades in my imagination and some blind people who have seen my stories say that my descriptions of people’s appearance are too detailed to be written by a blind person. ๐Ÿ˜€ I don’t know any other congenitally blind people who can’t see colours who have it like that but that’s how it is. for me and I think I’m glad of it. I suppose it may be somehow distantly related to the fact I’m synesthetic.

When I was a little girl, I loved red. Now red is my least favourite colour. I dislike very bright colours and don’t wear them or don’t have them in my room. I would feel awfully with the consciousness I am wearing something brightly red. ๐Ÿ˜€ It’s absolutely weird but I find this colour somewhat… anxiety provoking? Really hard to explain it.

Now, my favourite colours are: black, white, blue (all shades, or all I’ve heard of), green (excluding some shades) and grey.

I like to be surrounded by these colours, have lots of objects inn these colours or wear clothes in these colours. My favourite flowers – which I believe are called muscari in English – are blue and so many beautiful things are blue. As my favourite colour to be surrounded with I would pick green, my current room is dominated by green, while the colour I love to wear the most, feel the best wearing and people say I look good in is black. I am rather girly and love wearing dresses and almost all of them are black, except one.

ah, and I like silver too, but mostly just in jewellery.

So that’s it about my fav colours.

 

Question of the day.

What’s something that people think makes them look impressive/attractive but actually has the opposite effect?

My answer:

In my opinion, it is very hard to answer this question, if not impossible. Everyone has different taste as for fashion, different views and opinions. Some people like tattoos and think they’re a great expression of their style, thoughts, feelings, personality or whatever else, others think tattoos are only for prisoners or other socially condemned, marginalised people. Some people may think a plus size girl in tight clothes looks beautiful and feminine and she shouldn’t be ashamed of her body any less than conventional, slim models if she feels OK with her weight and looks, others will say she looks yucky.

So, although fashion styles, stereotypes and majority opinions are changing, I think people’s opinion always were, are and will always be very diverse and, at least if you won’t to answer this objectively, you actually can’t.

How do you think? Is it possible to answer this question objectively in your opinion? How about your own likes and dislikes? What do you find not attractive or impressive, but feel like others think it makes them attractive? I was focusing only on appearance, but since attractiveness isn’t absolutely only about that, how about your thoughts about other things that can be attractive or not attractive in a person.

What’s your favourite?

Thanks for hosting to Eve over at Revenge Of Eve

. This week she asks us about favourite fairytales.

It was a pretty hard choice because although I’m not a child anymore I read fairytales pretty often and I love them. I read fairytales from all around the world and I suppose I could pick my favourite fairytale from every or almost every culture. I think I have it after my Mum who also loves lots of fairytales and she read many of them to me.

As a little girl, I loved Little Red Riding Hood. I don’t really remember why I loved her so much. I just could listen to it over and over and over again. So now I am not as big fan of it as I was back then because it’s not so interesting for me now since I’ve listened to it so much in my early childhood. Which doesn’t mean I don’t like this fairytale at all.

So as my all time favourite I think I would pick a fairytale by Hans Christian Andersen, but since I always read it in Polish, I’m not sure its English title, its Danish title is “Ole Lukรธje” and it was based on the myth about the Sandman, a creature who was believed to give dreams to children. I’ve loved this fairytale my whole life and was always kind of inspired by sandman in general.

Share your world, February 19, 2018.

How do you like your eggs?
I am not a massive eggs fan, but if I eat them, they are usually either soft-boiled or hard-boiled. I really don’t like fried or scrambled.

Have you ever met anyone famous?
I think it depends on what you mean by famous. Famous people may be famous in some environments, whereas not heard about at all in others, the same about different countries. I’ve met some people that apparently were famous, but I’ve had no idea about their existence before I met them. But putting it very generally I think I know a few famous people. The most important from these from me is a Polish writer Maล‚gorzata Musierowicz. She writes books for children and young people, but especially those addressed for youth, are willingly read by all the generations, especially by women, but also not only, and they are very much appreciated. She writes about a multi-generational family, their life, their friends… It may seem pretty prosaic, but these books are full of interesting thoughts, intelligent humour, warmth and yummy food they eat.

I was at the quite difficult time in my life, I left the boarding school for the blind where I didn’t feel good emotionally and went to the integration school for two years, but it didn’t seem to be good practically for me, so I had no choice but come back to the boarding school. And it was a very hard decision. My Mum knew about it so she said she will make my dream come true if I will do it. So I did. And my biggest dream at that time was to meet Musierowicz. So my Mum told one of the staff about our agreement, no one else knew about it, and they organised a contest for the whole school about Musierowicz’s books and their characters. As at that time I even knew some parts of her books by heart (:D so obsessed I was) I was one of the finalists and so we met her. I had a great time with her and I saw she’s really an amazing person. We even hugged each other and I could see her house and the garden and she read the book for us.

I also met the wife of one of the former presidents of Poland as she came to our school, I was very small back then though so I don’t remember that very well, but I sang for her. Our school was often visited by different apparently famous people so I saw lots of them, but didn’t realy care about it.

What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
My Russian blue cat, Misha, was bought partly for my money. I don’t want to talk on his behalf, but I personally have never regreted it even for a while.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Usual things like Misha and progress in all my languages. On Tuesday my Maths tutor, with whom each of us – me and Zofijka – has individual lessons twice a week, came to me and had a great gift for me. She saw my gem stones collection and told me her brother has collected a lot of minerals when he was younger and now he moved houses so no one cares about them. So she brought them to me. I was excited. There are three big boxes full of stones and actually I still haven’t seen all of them. Also on the same day I was very proud of myself for challenging myself and my social anxiety and talking to a guy I’ve just met, which turned out to be a very nice conversation. His name was Jacek. It was so just not like me to just chat with a guy I’ve never seen before. But I felt relatively comfortable around him. I have always a weird liking for names Jack and Jacek and almost always tend to like/get on with people with these names. Even if a villainin a book is called Jack, I’ll still be more understanding for him than for any other villain. Maybe because my Dad’s name is Jacek. I don’t know, some say I’m just a name and language fetishist. ๐Ÿ˜€ On Wednesday it was Valentine’s Day and although I am single so didn’t celebrate it much, especially that we are a Catholic family so it was Ash Wednesday for us, it was still a good day for me and I had a great time with my family. And it was Cat’s Day on Saturday. We didn’t have any presents for Misha, but we treated him like a king. I appreciated the fact that I slept relatively well all the nights last week. Wow, it seems quite long! ๐Ÿ˜€

Thanks so much for hosting to Cee over at Cee’s Photography. ๐Ÿ™‚

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/02/19/share-your-world-february-19-2018/

Present.

It’s often hard for me to live in the present

.I’ve always had a tendency to either worry to much about the future, or delve in the past, analysing all the awful stuff that happened to me or idealising my good memories, or when my future seemed absolutely hopeless to me, to escape into daydreams where everything looked colourful and I could entertain myself with millions of beautiful scenarios of my life and the reality around me.

I noticed it at some point a few years ago, while talking with my Mum about something good that happened to me in the past and I was all like “oh it was so good back then” and Mum finally told me something that really amazed me and gave me a lot to think about. She said she thinks I think about the past or the future so much that I don’t live the present and can’t appreciate it, and so my own life flies past beside me, without me taking actually part in it. And although it sounded harsh and brutal for me back then and I immediately said it’s not true, it stayed with me and I thought about it a lot.

Finally I realised it’s true. I realised that when those things I liked so much about the past, when all those nice moments were happening, I didn’t think much about them, didn’t think they are nice because my mind was focused on so many other things, negative and stressful things, so I didn’t really live that moment, only in my memories afterwards. I know now that there is even the word for it in the Welsh language, which can’t be translated directly to English, it is “hiraeth” and it means longing for things, or particularly places, that don’t really exist, because you idealised them in your mind. Like your motherland for example, when you’re an emigrant. Some time passed away, so it could change, and your mind deludes you that it was better than it ever was because, the grass is always greener… obviously. Hiraeth may also refer to the longing for something you don’t know, so you know you feel the longing or yearning and it’s very strong, but you don’t know what’s it all about so it’s a bit frustrating. Oh but I shouldn’t talk about the hiraeth now!

So I realised I was experiencing that what now I know as hiraeth and decided to change it. I thought it is a total and pointless waste of energy and of time to do what I did.

I started to try to see all the positive things around me and, pretty quickly actually, it wasn’t already so hard for me to notice different small things in life that could be enjoyable. I still am a pessimist, but not of that kind that don’t see any positives at all. My pessimism, as I wrote sometime before, is more of a defensive nature. And it doesn’t stop me from being positive and grateful for all the good things in life. I am very often depressed, but, unless it hits me really hard for some time, usually I’m not anhedonic, so, I still have my passions, things I like to do, and they usually help me. Also I cope better with not so distant future. Like, let’s say about three years ago, if I would have a nice weekend and could do lots of things I like, everything would be great, I wouldn’t focus on the weekend, but would likely freak out about all the stressful things that wait for me on Monday. Now I rarely experience it to an extent that really disturbs me a lot. If I have something stressing ahead, it’s still in the back of my mind, but if I’m doing something better right now, I surely won’t focus on that stressful thing. Why should I do it?

I think it is now easier to appreciate the life and all about it more, because the present is just easier for me than the past was. Just the fact that I wasn’t seriously suicidal in years now means I’m now in much better place than I was back then.

Unfortunately, I’m still worrying, sometimes almost obsessively, about the more distant future, it’s very hard to control it, especially in times like these, when I’m finishing one of the stages in my life and aren’t quite sure what to do next. I am still daydreaming, and, especially at night, different crappy memories like to remind me about their existence. I’m still trying to unlearn it. But at least I haven’t that feeling, that my life is going beside me, and I am stuck in the past or in the future and don’t take any advantage of it.

Do you also feel sometimes like you’re not living the present?

 

Suspicious.

My Dad is very suspicious

by nature. So suspicious that I often even call him paranoid. He was suspicious as long as I can remember, always thinking that all people around are cheating – on him, on us, on the whole world. Of course, especially media, politicians, health services, Mum, Internet… but in fact, more or less, everyone. He has always had a very hard relationship with Olek – my brother. I’m sure he loves him, but he always treats him like kinda black sheep and whatever he would do is automatically perceived as absolutely wrong. It was always a significant issue and a reason to worry for my Mum.

My Dad isn’t a man you could have a really deep discussion with, as much as I love him I have to admit he has his views, prejudices and so on so any deeper conversations usually won’t make much sense or even may cause an arguement. But even though sometimes it happens that we talk about more deep stuff, as he likes to talk to me. And sometimes I talk to him about what I’ve read in a speciffic topic we are chatting about. And then he is usually like: “Why do you think they are right? Maybe they just want to manipulate people. Maybe they have paid to write this and not anything else?.” And such thinking makes me feel helpless. I mean – sure, there are lots of manipulative people, manipulative strategies in media, some form of manipulation is probably almost everywhere, not necessarily to make us any harm, but if just everyone is manipulative, what should we believe in? Or why actually should we believe in anything? Why does he believe in God? Maybe it’s just one big cheating? You know, I’m not assuming it is indeed, I am Christian as well, but, thinking the way he does… everything looks so pointless, doesn’t it? Just think, everybody is a total cheater, there’s no one to trust in the world, you have only yourself, well, I wouldn’t even be so sure if he actually trusts even himself. It looks so depressive. And thinking about it, about what my Dad’s reality looks like, makes me depressive, even if it’s not really my reality. I am sorry for him that he chose to live in such an unsatisfying way. But I can’t change it. It is only he who could change it and although he’s grumping so often, he doesn’t seem to really want it.

I am also a pessimist although I think my pessimism is more of a defensive kind, you know, I prefer to be ready for the worst even if everything looks like it’s going to be all good, but that’s how different life circumstances made me and I like to think about myself I still have have the ability to be happy and appreciate even pretty small things and I don’t really like to complain in front of other people, I just find it pretty weakish, anyway when I do so. But my Dad’s pessimism, for me, seems to be only all about grumping, complaining about others, about other people’s dogs peeing where they shouldn’t, not doing anything constructive with his life and thinking almost only about bad things that are happening to him. What frustrates me, he never seems to be really glad of anything, or, more exactly, I suppose he must have some moments when he’s at least a bit happy, but he can’t show it and it really can piss off people around him if they try and do their best to make him happy or at least to make him appreciate what we do for him. Personally I feel like he always kinda favoured me the most in comparison to my siblings, so I didn’t feel it that much directly, but I’ve observed my Mum and my siblings who haveย  tried a lot to satisfy him and no one and nothing seem to be good enough which makes them discouraged, and me frustrated for them. Now as he is getting older, although he still isn’t old, all these traits seem to deepen, and he doesn’t even see it. I really do love my Dad and with years I’ve learnt how to act with him, but he’s going more and more annoying and challenging for us. As my Mum put it recently while talking with me – he wants to be mentally old. He is in quite good condition physically, but mentally gets old extremely quickly. He’s not even yet in his fifties, but looking only at his personality traits, I doubt anyone could guess it.

But what exactly did I want to say in this post? No, its main purpose isn’t complaining at my Dad, not even letting out my emotions related to him and his difficult and challenging way of being.

What sometimes concerns me, when I think about him, about what he’s like, is that although I think I can’t say I’m grumpy or really overly demanding for people, I see a lot of his traits in myself. actually more than in my siblings. I think, characterwise I am more similar to him than to my Mum, whereas my siblings are rather more similar to her. She says so too. And although of course he has also a lot of good traits, sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid because as far as I can remember I had issues with trusting people, not as he has, but rather in the way I’m always pretty distant to people, even those I want to be close to. I have always had the tendency to be depressive, to overthink, to feel hopeless. I am often very stressed out about small things and always very unsettled by any major changes in life, no matter if good or bad. I am slightly obsessed about my privacy. And I often feel ridiculously suspicious about people in some situations, which can be really mentally exhausting. I know that lots of situations in my life, often very early on, helped my to develop all that and it’s not only the case of just genes or the thing that I wanted to be like this, and my suspiciousness differs from his, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that someday, when I’ll be let’s say the age he’s now, I’ll realise that I am like him. Overly suspicious, cautious and not letting people to like me. That my life will be as hopeless and empty as his is, or seems to be for me. That I will clinge to my stupid daily routines like he does now in fear of just any changes. Luckily I don’t have such temper as he has so I think having such impressional tantrums won’t be my domain. ๐Ÿ˜€ It is Zofijka’s. ๐Ÿ˜› and actually I always try to avoid this thought because I really don’t like to think about it and I feel like it’s a bit ridiculous to be afraid about such odd things which could only happen in very distant future, , but I can’t help I’m afraid about it. isn’t it a total paranoia to be paranoid about being paranoid in thirty years? ๐Ÿ˜€

 

Share Your World February 12th 2018.

Are you a practical jokester?
Not really, but was a bit more when I was a teen.

Who cuts your hair? You, a friend, or professional.
Usuallly I go to the hairdresser, but if it’s just a fringe or something like this, my Mum does it for me.

Did you have a stuffed animal when you were a kid, if so what kind?
Oh yes I had. I had my poor, long suffering teddy bear which I loved and still owe a big debt of gratitude to him for what a big support he was for me when I was a kid. His name was Pimpuล› and I always slept with him when was at home. I never took him to the boarding school with me, I remember I didn’t want him to smell like it, so he was always waiting on my bed at home for me. When I was at nursery I missed him terribly, then a bit less and I wasn’t so attached to him, but I slept with him for a really long time like even when I was a teen. Now he’s retired and after several tail surgeries and other kinds of “medical” interventions, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for him even though now Misha replaced him. I also had many more teddies, and a few dolls, but I wasn’t even half so much attached to them as to Pimpuล›.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, obviously, I think it’s needless to mention. Besides it was the second and last week of my winter break, it was absolutely cool, I needed some chill out and just not doing nothing for a while. Also I finally got the confirmation that I can take my final exam, which is needed to finish my current educational stage, in other school than I am learning in. That school is for the blind so they will be able to adjust everything to me much more easily than my school would be. If I’d have to pass it over here, it could be problematic for everyone, I think. It was a Welsh Language Music Day on Friday and dI celebrated it discovering a lot of new and old, but new for me, Welsh language music. And discovering new music I like, or in languages I like, is always a great pleasure for me. On Saturday my Mum made a great toffi cake, because my Dad had his name day. It was so yummmmmmy, so it’s definitely worth noting.

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/02/12/share-your-world-february-12-2018/