If We Were Having Coffee… or whatever else you fancy. #WeekendCoffeeShare

#WeekendCoffeeShare at Eclectic Alli’s.

Welcome to another coffee share, quite an early one, especially as for me, but I haven’t been too regular with posting lately and I might not be for a few more days so I thought we’d have another coffee share as some longer, catch-up post.

I’ve had my green tea already in the morning as I woke up early and needed it badly so I’m now having sparkling water with lemon, and very yummy Polish biscuits called Delicje – they are round sponge biscuits covered in chocolate with a jelly filling, mine are with orange jelly and as much as I love Delicje, the orange-flavoured ones are the only ones I find acceptable, OK, raspberry ones are OK, but just OK. – Help yourselves! I’ve also made a cake earlier today – a sponge cake with jelly and raspberries – (wow I’m kinda monotematic today with sponge, fruit and jelly, perhaps someone has an idea why? :D). It’s my name day on Sunday, hence I made it. And Mum made yummilicious croquettes (I don’t even know if that’s exactly the same thing in English, but oh well) with rice and mushrooms. I love them, and so does Olek, so if you’d like to sample, you need to hurry as he’ll soon be back from work and there will be nothing left. πŸ˜€ And I guess that’s all really yummy food (in my opinion) we have today, and you can bring something you have to our coffee share to make it more diverse than just sponge with jelly. πŸ˜€ Get yourself a comfortable place to chill and let’s start our chat, shall we? πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, or not coffee, I’d ask you how things have been going for you and what has happened in your life this week…?

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m feeling like rubbish today. Not the most optimistic note to start a coffee share and a weekend in general but what can I do. I don’t even know why. I woke up feeling OK, like near the baseline, but things have started spiraling down since early afternoon. I can’t get to why that is really. I feel depressed, and even a bit anhedonic, which is not my usual definitely, even if I am badly depressed I can often still feel the pleasure from things I love to some degree but I just feel kind of apathetic and sort of disconnected and don’t care about things too much, I also feel lonely because I feel disconnected, and don’t know what’s going on with my brain. Not like it would change a lot if I knew, and like it matters to me at the moment very much, but it’s always nice to be able to have a clue at least about your brain. I’ve also been having extremely sad and emotional dreams for a couple days which I don’t get either. I mean, scary dreams – yes, – intense, in whatever way – definitely, – strange – all the time, – but I don’t normally have plain sad dreams in which I’d feel all emotional and vulnerable, and yesterday I actually woke up crying. Today I had a sad dream too but it wasn’t quite as unsettling and I mostly remember the emotions of it, not the plot, so I didn’t think much about it, but the phenomenon of such an abundance of sad dreams is interesting. I get emotional dreams like this sometimes around the periods of time that used to be difficult for me in the past but now it’s not the case. Sometimes I wish my brain could speak, or write, or something. I’m so used to bottling up stuff that now I often don’t understand what it’s trying to tell me, ’cause I suppose it must want something from me if there’s no straightforward explanation.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we’ve had another hot week here, but thankfully today it’s very nicely fresh and chilly, apparently only for a while, Dad says we’ll have another hot day on Sunday. But it’s a relief for all the people I think that at least now it’s cooler.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that at the beginning of this week, my router died. I had to get a new one and installing it and configuring was quite a pain, and I had a whole long boring day and a half with no Internet and not much to do, but now things are back to normal.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Misha has a new hiding place, and this time, it’s a really good one, ’cause we still can’t figure out where it is, after over a week. He just disappears every day for a good few hours and then suddenly comes back out of nowhere. It’s amazing how after 3 years of living here, he still hasn’t ran out of ideas! πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m going to another meeting – like the one I went to earlier this month, in that sort of foundation or association that Zofijka’s friend’s mum works in – this time with a woman who used to live in Ireland, she’s Polish. That’s going to be very interesting for me for sure, since I love Ireland! I’m quite anxious again, even though I’ve already been there and it went well. It’s going to be on Monday.

If we were having coffee I’d also tell you that Zofijka’s friend’s mum was supposed to visit us yesterday, and then today, or on Sunday, but it seems like nothing will come out of it. While I’m happy for her to come over, I’m also secretly relieved that she won’t be coming today, as I’m definitely not in the mood for socialising whatsoever and wouldn’t be able to do it right the way I’m feeling now, just normal smalltalk feels so depressing and exhausting at the moment. As if I ever was good at smalltalk hahaha.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that we’re most likely going to the beach on Sunday, which I’m quite glad about, the sea usually makes me feel very good and I feel a strong connection with it, and I love being by the sea. We have our very special beach that is quite far away from us, it’s situated in a village in SΕ‚owiΕ„ski National Park, and it’s really clean and tranquil there, there are few beaches that are that quiet and clean. And we had a plan of going there, but because it’s apparently going to be rather hot, and the ride is long there, and then you have to walk 2 km through a nature reserve back and forth it would be quite tiring and time consuming compared to how much time we’d actually spend on the beach, so we probably won’t be going there and somewhere much closer and filled with people. πŸ˜€ In any case, I hope it’ll be cool and I’ll feel less depressed by then. Also as I said it’s my name day on Sunday so that’s going to be a nice way of spending it I hope.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

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If we were having coffee… or maybe not coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

#WeekendCoffeeShare at Eclectic Ali’s.

Hi people! πŸ™‚ Welcome to a rather late “Weekend” Coffee (or whatever else you want) Share! I would like to be inclusive of all possible drink preferences, especially since I’ve had to stop drinking coffee myself. So grab your favourite drink, and/or a snack, or a full meal if you want, or I can get something for you, and let’s have a little chat. I have lots of teas, herbal teas and green teas, and Yerba Mate, and other such, since I’ve been doing a lot of drink testing since I had to stop drinking coffee to see what would work for me now, for my low blood pressure I mean, and I’ve been trying lots of green teas. We have coffees too, and even Cappuccino. Or I can pour you some Pepsi, or water. Mum’s made very yummy split pea soup, and spaghetti, the spaghetti is good although all of us didn’t like the pasta this time because it was one of those very healthy ones but not quite as good as it was apparently healthy. πŸ˜€ I have some very good German chocolate, and Mum’s gonna bake a cake, but I don’t think it’ll be ready until we finish our coffee share so I’m afraid you’ll miss on it. πŸ˜€ In any case, I’m sure we can have plenty of yummy food and drinks. I’m not going to have anything big this time ’cause I’m full after eating the split pea soup so I’m just going to have some water with ice.Make yourself cosy and comfortable and let’s start our coffee/not coffee chat.

If we were having “coffee”, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…?

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that we hadn’t had coffee together in ages, I guess my last coffee share was around Christmas plus was very exclusive as it was passworded. So I’m glad we’re having one now.

If we were having coffee, of course I would update you on my coffee alternatives hunting progress. πŸ˜€ I guess I’m already getting used to not having coffee every morning very well, OK I’m not overly neurotic about that and I did have two or three cups of coffee in all the time since I stopped drinking it regularly, and it was while I was at other people’s, and I was more anxious after it again, but it was manageable. I tried some green tea earlier already, if it could give me the same positive effect as coffee – get me going in the morning and lift my blood pressure and energise me – but without the side effect – more anxiety and jitteriness – but it didn’t work too well, I just didn’t feel it worked at all for me, in any way, good or bad. Plus I’m not a very big fan of green tea. I also tried Yerba Mate more recently but while I can tolerate green tea and drink it if I have to, I didn’t like Yerba Mate at all. So a couple days ago my Mum got hold of some other green tea, I don’t really get what’s the difference between them, which also doesn’t taste quite as good as coffee, but (I hope I won’t jinx it πŸ˜€ ) it seems to be working. Which is really good, because it’s summer, and the heat doesn’t give me much more energy and I’m even more dizzy than normally. So it’s too short to say anything specific, but it seems to be working so far. Let’s be hopeful it’ll continue.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that recently we’d had some pretty hot temps. Now it’s much cooler and nicer, but it was roasting for the whole last week except for the weekend, and neither me nor my brain liked it. It was generally a hard week for me, because I was having a period, and was very depressed, and had a migraine and a lot of anxiety and crazy overthinking, like really crazy, I’m always overthinking but that was really intense and hard to control. I also had a failed attempt at intermittent fasting, that my Mum’s doing all the time since about a month, and which as I wrote in one of my recent posts I thought would be a good idea for me for a while as a bit of a detox plus spiritually. But I guess the timing was completely wrong, because as I was already feeing crappy, IF made me feel even worse, in that because I wasn’t eating for a good part of the day and starting to eat late in the morning I was having even less energy. I may though, and probably will, come back to it at some other time when it’ll be more doable for me.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that there is someone in my surroundings who’s making me feel pretty uneasy. I won’t go into very many details right now, I might do another post on that that will be protected, didn’t want to protect this one just because of mentioning her, but I am only 99% sure I can write about it publicly with details and I don’t want to risk, even if the risk is very very small. She, or them, but it’s mainly her I’m getting sick of, lives close to us, and I may be overinterpreting, and that’s the subtle message I get from my Mum that I am overinterpreting and overreacting being so wary of her, but I feel very much like I’ve got a new clingy type(s) to my lifelong collection of clingies, despite I was so happy I’m finally free from all of them and only closely associating with people I really like, and I don’t even seem to have much choice here so far. That feels distressing and trapping for me and I currently don’t really know what I should do about it and it’s confusing.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that tomorrow I’m going to a meeting. I don’t even know exactly what it will be about, but it’s Zofijka’s friend’s mum who organises it as far as I am aware, it’s going to be at her work, and she invited my Mum, because our Mum and Zofijka’s friend’s mum are kinda friends or acquaintances at least, but the thing is there will be a woman from Canada, and they’ll be speaking English there, and I gues she didn’t know my Mum doesn’t speak English. But my Mum is crazy about the fact that I speak English and when she meets anyone who claims that they can speak English well, she wants us to talk to each other in English, which of course always fails since the mere fact that we both can speak English doesn’t really make for much in common. πŸ˜€ If it was Swedish, or Welsh, then I would understand, but English? duh, most of the world speaks English. It’s a bit funny. So of course although Mum didn’t want and couldn’t really go there on her own, she immediately said that to me, because I can speak English. πŸ˜€ I didn’t like the idea of mingling with random people I didn’t know anything about just because they can speak English, plus when I go on meetings or such, I’m usually very inactive, I feel rather disoriented when many people talk all at once and I generally feel easily disoriented at social gatherings, and didn’t even know what this one was about. But then I started thinking more rationally and thought that actually, there can’t be very many people there, I doubted there would be many people in my town who’d feel confident with their English enough to talk in it just because, so A smaller meeting wouldn’t be a bad thing, so I told Mum I could try it and she texted her that she’ll be going with me because she doesn’t speak English but I do. And then it turned out that Zofijka’s friend’s mum is really very nice, and I don’t even know her yet, but I think we’ll like each other. And then she wrote to my Mum that the meeting’s only going to be for women (so that narrows down the potential group of people coming even more haha), and that the starter topic is probably going to be education, so both my Mum and me have tons of very diverse experience in that matter. πŸ˜€ It actually looks to me like it’s going to be a very very small meeting, and I’m now looking forward to it very much because actually I haven’t talked much in English to anyone else than Misha or myself in about a year, when I had my English tutor for final exams, he didn’t actually teach me anything new which I felt a bit frustrated at the time but boy was he chatty! Because we chatted in English, and I think he was even more happy about it than I was (that he has someone to chat in English to), I guess that actually in the end that helped me quite a bit with my oral English exam, as I felt even more confident with it and had a lot of experience. I’m curious what it’s going to be like, although a bit anxious too, but not in an overwhelming way, so I guess my anti-anxiety medication will deal with that and as I often say, my linguophilia is usually stronger than anxiety.

Talking of linguophilias, if we were having coffee, I’d tell you that just before I’ve started to write this post, I did some more Welsh again. It wasn’t as much as usual in my weekly Welsh marathons, but it was very interesting, and the results are fairly positive again, so I’m still hopeful there is some development, even if it often doesn’t seem so for me at all. So my inner Cymrophile is very happy. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee, I would also tell you that next Sunday is my cousin’s Communion. I’m happy for her, but not at all for my own sake. I hate First Communions, they’re always so horribly long and boring and you don’t know what to do there, well, I don’t know for sure. The only upside to that is that at least it’s going to be in my grandparents’ house, not in some restaurant, which makes a tiny little bit of difference to me. This cousin is a daughter of my Godmother, with whom I haven’t been having the best relationship lately and seeing her almost always makes me feel like shit. I might be able to go only to the mass and skip the party if I’ll find someone understanding and able to give me a liftback home but am not too hopeful on that as it’s not very likely. My Mum is helping out with the food there, so if I was to leave with her I’d have to stay to the very end and longer. But I also wouldn’t like to not go there at all as that wouldn’t be cool.

OK, that’s all from me. Now, what would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare. Sharing some stuff mostly about therapy, still with no almond milk. ;)

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Oes unrhywun fodlon i gael paned o goffi, neu beth bynnag arall, efo fi? Does neb ond Misha a fi ‘ma a mae’n teimlo tipyn bach yn unig…

Yeah… that’s how my brain is functioning right now haahaha. Did two challenges of my Welsh course again, and now my language structures seem to be rather messed up lol. I’m damn proud of myself again, even though I’ve been rather depressed all weekend, and even though now I feel a little bit drained intellectually. Don’t know whether I’m thinking always grammatically correctly in my Welsh, but anyway, I’m glad of it really. I just meant to ask you if anyone’s up for a cuppa, or whatever else, and that there are only me and Misha here so it feels a little bit lonely, however now we’re not just two here, Zofijka just came in, still though some coffee would be cool, wouldn’t it? I won’t drink coffee with Zofijka, so if anyone’s up, join in.

Still no almond milk, Mum said she’d got it for me while shopping yesterday butΒ  she didn’t, she just forgot. But it’s not that very important, we still have a lot of other drinks, and we’re about to order some food from KFC with Zofijka. Mum and Dad are on a day trip.

So grab whatever you feel like drinking or eating and let’s have some coffee share.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’ve been doing this week…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I”ve had a pretty decent week overall. I’m feeling kinda depressed since yesterday, it got a bit alleviated after I forced myself to do Welsh and that it went fairly well, but I hope that’s just temporary, maybe some PMS stuff or something.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I emailed, the one doing psychodynamic therapy, got in touch with me. She wrote she was on holiday so couldn’t contact me earlier. I gave her my Mum’s phone number because my own phone was broken at the time and being repaired, and she wrote she’ll call me the next day in between sessions and told me the approximate hour. So we were waiting, me and my Mum, but she didn’t call at that time although we waited for it for quite a while afterwards and it was like late afternoon, so I went to my room and was doing other stuff and then she called in the evening. It started off badly and awkwardly, because, ya know, what kinda impression you can get when you call someone and their mum answers, or rather what kind of impression you can have about such Mum. She was sure my Mum is some sort of narcissist or other abusive jerk, we didn’t think she’d call that late, I was sure she changed her mind or forgot or will call next day or email me or something. So then I talked to her, was very anxious about that, and it didn’t seem to go well at all, she even asked me whether I am sure that my Mum won’t make any problems later on in therapy because “some parents” struggle with accepting that their child is healing and changing their roles in life and such. I was rather baffled but said I think my Mum is conscious enough to not do such things and I don’t think she’d like to influence my therapy in any way. My another awkward move was that I didn’t tell her I’m blind right away. It was actually intentional, I’ve had so many situations in the past when I would tell people I am blind, like various kinds of teachers, professionals etc. and then they’d say they can’t work with me because they don’t work with the blind, as if there was some secret recipe for for example teaching blind people Finnish, or they’d just panic or something. Also, for me, my blindness is rather a natural thing, so when we finally started to talk and I got so stressed I just forgot about that and whether to tell her about it or not. But after we disconnected I realised that actually in therapy it may matter that I’m blind, a bit more than in some other areas, because indirectly some of my issues are related, or caused, by my disability. Plus, is this really better to shock someone instead of telling them things right away? I felt kinda uncomfortable with this and was pretty sure we’re just not gonna get along after all that, that she won’t be willing to work with me. Also because her first impression of me and my Mum was so disadvantageous, mine of her wasn’t much better. I had an impression she is a very impulsive person and not in the good sense at all. She set our first session for Friday.

I was just physically sick of anxiety waiting for it, thinking more often than I can count about cancelling. I was anxious about this completely new experience in general, but also about meeting this therapist. But at the same time I was strangely curious, and wanted to give us both a chance, and some part of me was extremely determined to finally get some help, although it’s generally just fucking hard for me to ask or receive support.

Finally that day had come so I was all jittery and catastrophising, it just couldn’t go well.

Surprisingly, yeah, very surprisingly, it turned out to be pretty good. I told her I’m blind and I saw she was pretty surprised for a while, but not like shocked, and definitely not in a negative sense, she just asked me why didn’t I tell her about it before so she could come and help me to her office, but I told her it’s just a very natural thing to me so it just got out of my head in the stress to tell her and that I’m with my Mum, i guess she thought she’s my guide or assistant or something and not my Mum because my Mum left very quickly and didn’t talk much to her, she was also embarrassed a bit I guess about that earlier situation. But other than that she was OK with it and had a lot of questions as for my functioning obviously like, you know, how did I find her if I’m blind and who helped me to write an email to her, so we spent some time talking about all things blindness related, and she was in awe about how supposedly independent I am to be able to write emails and stuff. I told her of course about that phone situation and why I gave her my Mum’s number and she was absolutely OK with it, just was worried my Mum is some sort of invigilating narc as I wrote before.

As for the session, I have pretty mixed feelings about it, though overall it went well I think, if you can say anything constructive after the first session with a therapist. She is a very warm person and I found it quite surprising, I’d say she seems more emotional than my previous therapist, the one with whom I did CBT over the last couple months, and I definitely didn’t expect it, I thought for some reason that a psychodynamic therapist would be more matter-of-fact and rational, and I’m glad she’s the way she is, I don’t think I’d do well with someone thinking overly logically. I could indeed say she’s impulsive, but not in the bad sense, I’d say very empathetic and, well, dynamic. πŸ˜€ And that’s rather new to me because so far the therapists I worked with were rather calm and very composed, even my first therapist Monika who was very kind and emotional and understanding, was at the same time very very calm. Don’t know what’s better or worse or whether there actually is anything that’s worse or better, it’s just new to me to work with someone like her, as I’m sure working with someone like me is for her.

We talked, rather briefly as for now, about my issues regarding the past, I told her how I feel weird when thinking about it as trauma and that thinking about some of my past as traumatic is very new to me and feels confusing. We talked about my social anxiety and anxiety in general and about my diagnoses, and I told her quite a lot about my general life situation.

She told me something very interesting but also very striking, which no one has ever told me before. I was telling her some stuff about the boarding school and how I couldn’t adjust there etc. you know I was writing a lot about it previously, and she suddenly interrupted me and said that I provoke her all the time to reject me. That I tend to say very biased things about myself all the time like that I’m weird, or that other kids were more normal, or that I very often use negatively marked words to describe myself or my behaviours/reactions, and tend to overly justify people’s behaviours, so that the general message she said she’s getting from me since we met is like “Hey don’t like me because I don’t like myself and you can’t like me!” and it looks like I desperately want people to reject me, Of course I don’t, but as she told me about it, it caught my attention because, yeah, I definitely don’t like myself, most of the time or in most regards at least, but I never thought about it this way, that I provoke people to reject me so openly, and that it could have such a big effect on my relationships. Now I see it, or at least, kind of. It was very striking discovery for me. I wonder whether that could be the reason for so many of my relationships to be so short-lived or ending up yucky, even though I don’t talk to many other people so openly about myself so they don’t get a chance to know what I actually think about myself, in fact I know that many people who know me, or particularly who knew me in the past in real life, think I’m a bit haughty, but I guess there might be some subconscious communication involved as well and I might reject people subconsciously. That’s so weird and I feel a bit confused as for that. And that topic was coming back regularly throughout the session and then afterwards I wanted to give her my real phone number as my phone was repaired by the time I had therapy, so I took out my phone and told her I need to find my number, because my brain is so freaky I don’t even know my own phone number without looking at it, I just love all things numbers. And she wanted to show me I’m doing it again, saying bad things about myself, but then I told her that I’d rather differentiate self-loathing from deprecating humour, because I said it rather jokingly in that speciffic situation. I don’t feel worse from other people just because some of them are better than me with numbers, it’s nothing I want to be good at, so, yeah, I wasΒ  just joking, in fact I like it about my brain that it’s more creative and not limited by any mathematical schemes – I told her. But she told me that she’s always had an impression that those who use self-deprecating humour the most usually deprecate themselves in other aspects of life as well more than the rest. And that made me think about Vreeswijk suddenly, so then I knew she had a point here again, and just couldn’t help but laugh. πŸ˜€

We didn’t do much more, but I felt relieved after the session, despite those kinda weird discoveries about which I still don’t really know what to think and what to do, I was happy we were able to get along despite that awkward situation at the beginning and I was happy I could talk about some of the issues with someone and that she at least seemed to get it. What I found a bit hard was that I had an impression we’re having some issues with communication. Like sometimes I’d say something to her and she’d talk about something completely different and it was hard to get for me where she’s actually going to, or the other way around, she was saying something to me, and I didn’t know what she meant and wanted from me and we couldn’t just figure out each other. Or pretty often I had the impression that she was expecting me to say something, and if I did something different, her reaction was a bit like I said something kinda wrong, and yeah I didn’t always get what she actually wants from me and it was quite confusing. I don’t really know why it’s this way, I find her way of being a bit chaotic, but then so am I, it just manifests in different ways in each of us, so maybe that’s why, or just because we both didn’t talk to each other before, that I was stressed, and she was surprised by all that she got toΒ  know. Also I find it often hard to describe my feelings clearly while talking so maybe that could be the reason for the communication issuesΒ  as well. I just hope it won’t be a long lasting thing and will get better with time as we will get to know each other more because at times I found it a little bit uncomfortable and bizarre.

But overall I think she’s really good and my Mum says that as soon as she saw her she knew I’ll get along with her and she’ll be able to help me, that’s interesting.

Yesterday though, I started to feel a bit crappy emotionally and then worse and worse as if some larger mood dip was about to start and soon I found myself in that dark, self-loathing hole again, andΒ  was overloaded with feelings and felt like self-harming a lot. I didn’t, but it was really strong at some point. I don’t know, whether it’s a coincidence, or some defensive or other kind of mechanisms kicked in so early on, but I think it’s weird I feel this way so soon after therapy when it went so well. I’ve been just so full of depression and anger for God knows what or whom actually and urges and self-loathing thoughts over the weekend, yesterday it was a bit hard to function properly and I would gladly not come out of bed at all if I could, but would it change anything? Doubtful. As I said, today is slightly better, I found the motivation to do my Welsh, which I didn’t do yesterday, nor on Friday, nor on Thursday because I felt to anxious, and that lifted me a bit.

And last, but not least, if we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Zofijka has just made some chocolate custard, well it’s not custard actually, we don’t eat custard i Poland regularly, it’s like our Polish custard pudding but you have starch in it instead of egg jolks, you can make it from scratch of course but most people just buy the concentrate and then add some other ingredients so it’s quick to make, you can have it in many flavours like vanilla, or cream or banana or cherry or chocolate, or caramel, etc. And Zofijka just saw we have and decided she’ll make it on her own, for the first time. Sofi is a really good cook, so it obviously went well and we both liked it. It wasn’t very sweet but oh well, we just melted chocolate and added to it when we realised it’s not sweet enough and it was yummy. Zofijka is now very happy and proud of her new culinary achievement. :)It turned out she made a bit too much of it just for us two, so we can have some for the coffee share if you like. πŸ˜€

OK, so I guess that’s all from me for today.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to another

Weekend Coffee Share.

Grab some coffee, or whatever else you prefer, and join in. It’s much cooler now than even yesterday morning, which I am very glad about, and Misha is too. Though his sleeping patterns remain unchanged so far. He’s still asleep. I told you last week that I’ll have almond milk for this weekend’s coffee share to share with you (doesn’t Weekend Almond Milk Share sound way more sophisticated than plain Weekend Coffee Share? πŸ˜‰ ), but I don’t have it. I just ended up not doing any shopping, so yeah, maybe next week. Hope no one feels too disappointed haha.

I wrote a bit of an update a few days ago so you already know a lot about what I’ve been up to this week, if you don’t know and want to catch up just go

Here.

If we were having coffee I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I contacted on Thursday didn’t write back to me yet but I’m still hopeful. I was a little concerned because I couldn’t find anyone else in my area doing psychodynamic therapy if she wouldn’t respond, but yesterday I found out about a clinic in Gdynia which specialises in it, so I might contact them next week if I’ll need to. Gdynia is further from me, not far but not particularly close either, so I’d also have to ask Mum what she thinks about it, if I would have to have therapy there.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday in the afternoon we got a lot of rain and storms and that’s such a huge relief to me, because this heat was really overwhelming. Summer is nice, and warm weather is nice, but oh God, please, 36 C?! Isn’t that crazy?! The question is obviously rhetorical, it’s devastating.

And as we are talking about that, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that due to that weather we had I suspended my Welsh for a while. I mean my Welsh course, if you’re learning a language and doing it for fun you usually learn something every day, no matter if you’re doing your usual lessons or not. At first I wanted to be bold and still do it, despite I usually feel really crappy physically in the heat, but then I decided it doesn’t make much sense to just play a hero for the sake of playing a hero since I won’t learn much this way and I stopped it. Today though there was no reason to prolong it so I did my Welsh challenge, despite the break it went pretty wel. Then I went to show off to our learners’ community and one of the people asked me so why won’t you do another one then? I hesitated for a while, felt lazy and not quite like doing it but decided to do so anyway. So yeah I did another one, it went by even quicker than the first one and it felt like I was even better at it than at the first one lol. My new favourite welsh word is o ddifrif (o THEE-Vree, the dd is pronounced like th in the, the f is pronounced like v and the f at the end is silent), which means seriously, and ddifrifol (thee-VREE-vol) which means serious. It doesn’t sound serious at all, does it? πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a brilliant, lovely dream last night, involving my current music crush Gwilym. And OMG it was so vivid. Well, all my dreams are vivid, most of them at least, which can be both fantastic and shitty, but it was just so… I don’t even know how to call it haha, let’s just say wonderful anyway. It made me feel really good, as my crush dreams always do, but it didn’t stop the anxiety that I still feel somewhat since that last sleep paralysis to creep into my mind again pretty soon after I woke up. I try to not care though, or pretend I don’t so that it won’t get the satisfaction at least, and despite the anxiety I feel pretty positive today.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you tomorrow is a sort of our parish church’s day, it is a thing in Catholic churches in Poland – each one has its patron saint and the day that is this saint’s feast day, they celebrate it with a lot of splendor, but also in a kind of rustic way, even in the cities, and to be honest, I usually don’t like all those celebrations, they feel very trashy to me. One of our patron saints is saint Roch, his feast day will be soon, but the celebrations are tomorrow for us, he is also a patron saint of animals, as far as I can remember there was some sort of legend that after his death he went to heaven with his dog. And because of it, among all the usual trashy stuff, there is also an interesting tradition in our church, namely pets are blessed and consecrated. Mum and me were last year with Misha (we were joking it was his christening hahaha), and I think we will go this year too. It always makes him a bit nervous because he doesn’t go out much and there are lots of other animals and he doesn’t have much contact with other animals, but also it is one of the few opportunities for him to get out and be safe with us, and he still likes to go out, as he often manifests very clearly. πŸ˜€ Plus I think it is a cool habit. Some people tend to think animals are some sort of worse kind of creatures, my Dad even thinks it’s a profanity to pray for a pet for example when it’s sick, and yes there certainly are some limits and I don’t say we should do with pets or allow them to do just the same things humans do, but they’re also God’s creations, good natured and often much more innocent than humans, so why such little things as praying or blessing them could be a profanity? I’d rather agree with Lucy Maud Montgomery who said something like that we can pray for anything we love, I guess Judy Plum said it in “Pat Of The Silverbush”. She was Presbyterian but I don’t think it makes much difference in this case, actually I think that Catholic faith is more emotional and stuff so we should think so and practice it as well. I am sure that God also created Misha with some sort of purrpose and loves him, it wasn’t just an accident that Misha appeared in the world, otherwise He wouldn’t make him so beautiful, so He must care about him. Plus I am strongly convinced that God has a sense of humour, a very good one, though a bit too ironical at times, and if someone has a good sense of humour they can’t have such stiff rules as my Dad does, don’t you think? πŸ˜€

OK, I think I’ll go now, I think I’ll turn on some music and go to Dreamland for a while, I’mΒ  feeling like it and don’t have anything much better to do today, and that seems to be a cool idea anytime.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Yup, there’s nothing better than a hot steaming strong coffee is there? But maybe not in this kinda weather.

So OK if you wanna have coffee here you are, but what I’d highly recommend in this awfully hot atmosphere would be definitely something cooler. I am sipping on orange juice with a whole lot of ice. Even the ice itself is yummy hahaha. Can anyone tell me why do I like ice so much? πŸ˜€ No not only to have it in a drink or suck on it or whatever, I just love ice. But why?! I’m pretty curious, but I’ve never got to know so far. But I guess I’ll never understand my freaky brain.

OK so I can pour you some coffee or ice coffee or tea or orange juice or water with lemon, that’s pretty much all we have at the moment, but weirdly enough I’m craving almond milk and I think I’ll need to buy myself some so that we could have some for the next coffee & almond milk share, if anyone else would fancy. I love almond milk, but I rarely have it. It sounds so sophisticated… Almond milk. Doesn’t it? As if you couldn’t drink normal milk like all the normal people out there. But no, I can’t. I don’t like cow milk, at least not on its own. And more importantly, I’m certainly not normal. But that’s another thing.

Ok so if we’re done with the drink thing, if we were having coffee, I’d ask everyone of you how are you doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather uneventful week. My anxiety has finally lessened. It lasted very long, and it was hard to get out of that murky shitty place I was in, but it’s mostly over. Luckily I didn’t have any sleep paralysis episodes this week and I hope it will stay this way as long as possible, I’m really sick of this kind of anxiety for now, it was really debilitating and made me functioning very poorly.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Zofijka is at our cousin’s. I think she’ll stay there until tomorrow, if not longer. She’s been out travelling or visiting people a lot this summer, and all of us are really happy about that, I don’t know how about Misha, his feelings seem to be mixed, but he also benefits from this situation.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach on Wednesday. My parents, Olek and me. It was really cool. We were much more lucky than last Sunday when it started to rain as we came to the sea. It did become stormy and cloudy but not until we were leaving. By the time we were by the sea it was very sunny and not too hot, really nice, and I spent most of the time in the water. Then we went for a lunch to a restaurant and it was absolutely delicious. Maybe we’ll also go to the beach tomorrow. My parents were also by the seaside on Thursday but I didn’t go with them, they were going with some Dad’s friends so I wouldn’t have much to do and would feel rather bored so I just stayed home, since my anxiety was more settled so I could, without freaking out, even though Misha didn’t want to keep me company and slept in one of his top secret hideouts. But that was OK with me and I had a great day.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m thinking a lot about my therapy lately. Because I don’t really feel like me and my current therapist get along with each other. I mean I like her as a person, and I appreciate that she offered it herself to me that she would be willing to work with me when I got my diagnoses of AVPD and dysthymia in March, but I don’t click with her as a therapist, or so I feel. I feel like I haven’t made much progress with her. Like I feel somewhat relieved knowing finally my diagnoses and thought that from now on when I know what’s wrong with me I’d be able to handle it better with her help, but I don’t feel like a lot has happened since I saw her for the first time. On the other hand it’s only since March that she’s my therapist, so maybe it’s too short to make statements like that, maybe I should give us more time? And also my previous therapist, although we didn’t have regular sessions in like last five years, she knew me very well and I was quite significantly attached to her, we were working together for like 10 years or such, since I was at the integration school so it was really a long time. So maybe I’m expecting to much from this therapist or something? It’s hard to say I guess. Also this therapist I work with now works in CBT, while Monika, my previous one, was also primarily doing CBT but was mixing the various other models too, and I feel like she was more flexible and open-minded. Also the work I did with Monika was that much different that back then I indeed needed some speciffic, concrete coping skills, or very speciffic support from her, because my life situation was different, I was seeing her less regularly, most of the time when she was my therapist I was at the boarding school, so needed some clear and working strategies to cope and survive, and CBT is I suppose something that works well in such cases. We focused on ongoing issues that I needed to solve or things I didn’t cope well with or my ongoing fears etc. and there wasn’t much place at that moment for any deeper work because – at first due to me staying mostly at the boarding school and not being able to see her often and then due to her very busy schedule – we just couldn’t see each other very regularly and most often were just checking in on the phone/via email or having a session once in a while when it fit both of us. That just had to be enough and there weren’t many other options for me at that time to get any professional support and I feel very lucky that I had her at that time. I don’t think many other therapists would be so open and so very supportive for me at that situation, being available always then when I most needed her and was most distressed, and looking at my issues objectively.

But now, as my life situation has changed and is more stable, I’m wondering whether CBT is really for me. They say it works for both mood disorders and anxiety disorders and that AVPD is also usually treated with CBT, but, I’m just not sure if it is what I’m looking for. I feel like my issues, particularly those from which my AVPD seems to come from, are mostly deeply rooted in the past. And I wonder whether now wouldn’t be a good time to process some things to be able to move on. Also I don’t think I have one strict, concrete therapeutic goal right now that I want to go to and achieve. It’s much more like there are many things I want to grasp somehow, either proces or learn to live with or get rid of… I am kinda anxious about this whole digging in the roots of things but maybe that’s what would help me? So I’m wondering which therapeutic model would fit me more and maybe it should be something like psychoanalysis/psychodynamic therapy? That sounds like it could be really suitable, but then new doubts arise and I just don’t know where to go from there. I also thought maybe Gestalt therapy could be helpful with the AVPD thing, maybe not processing but things like my self esteem or anxiety, and that it looks into the future, which I always see as so very black and awful and depressing. And I am just confused as for what to do.

Another thing is that in my particular area I guess there wouldn’t be very many therapists. The easiest way to get to therapy is in our local psychological clinic, but from my previous experiences there and opinions from some other people I suppose that most therapists that work there are doing CBT. Because I can’t commute on my own, obviously I wouldn’t like my Mum to have to drive with me once or twice a week somewhere far away or that is hard to get to. So yeah, lots of confusion here. I am also considering some online therapy, if not as my main one then maybe as an addition to the sessions with my current therapist which I have fortnightly which sometimes feels not enough. So maybe that’s how it’s going to end up. I guess I have to think it through and give it more time or probably talk to my Mum about it. I haven’t so far. I often have an impression she seems significantly distressed when we are talking about my mental health issues so although overall we have a really good relationship nowadays, compared to how it used to be and compared to many other mother-daughter relationships out there, but in this particular topic it’s kinda tough. I guess she’s still blaming herself a lot.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m having a good, quite chilled out day today. I woke up extremely early but just wasn’t sleepy anymore. We played a little with Misha. But the rest of the day he’s been actually sleeping through, and he looks so cute. It’s incredibly hot as I said and after we had dinner I realised it’s way too sultry for me, despite the fan going on almost 24/7 in my room. Usually when it’s so hot I don’t go far from home much unless like to the backyard to cool off or with my family to the sea, on such days my blood pressure is usually LOW and same is with my Mum so we just don’t want to overheat even more to not feel worse plusI am way too sluggish and lazy then to go somewhere very far. But today I thought if I won’t go out of this house right away… I don’t know, but nothing good will happen for sure. πŸ˜€ So I asked Mum if she would like to go for a walk, and she said she would, so we went. We also bought some cool drinks on our way, and I felt a bit better when we came back. We got some orange juice and went out again this time just on the backyard and sat by our river drinking the juice dipping feet in the water and Mum was watching some video but it was in English and without subtitles, and my Mum doesn’t know much English, so I was translating it to her. And so now it’s 7 PM so I guess I’ll have a cool shower now and maybe will do my Welsh challenge for today, I didn’t motivate myself to do it earlier, but I am not sure about it, I don’t want my poor brain to be mad at me. πŸ˜€

Ah, and as for the language stuff, if we were having coffee I’d tell you my inner linguistic freak is over the mon and very proud of herself today. As you could see earlier today, I’ve translated a children’s song from Norwegian to English. I wanted to share it with you – I mean the song, in the song of the day series – because I think it’s cool and funny, but I wanted it to be understandable. I could understand it well via my Swedish, but couldn’t find any English translation online to share. SO my inner linguistic freak decided to take on a challenge and translate it herself. Considering that I can’t speak Norwegian, and am not an English native, I feel like it’s quite an achievement. It was quite a piece of work, despite it’s just a children’s song.

I know it has probably lots of various errors still, but in this case I didn’t aim that much to perfection, I just wanted to show you what it is about, I wouldn’t think I could translate anything from Norwegian to ENglish perfectly, particularly if I haven’t ever translated anything from NOrwegian to any other language before, so didn’t expect it at all. However although it’s not made for the sake of perfectionism, if you have any feedback, comments or you think I could fix something, it would be greatly appreciated, particularly if you happen to speak Norwegian and could tell me if I translated all the words well. I am sure there are some stylistical or grammar errors in the translation too so if you see any, let me know as well.

If you haven’t seen the song and my translation yet and would like, it’s here:

Alexander Rybak ft. Superbarna – Dyrene I Afrika (Animals In Africa).

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

What has happened to you this week? HOw is your weekend going? Are you looking forward to something? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Welcome to another coffee share. We’ve had some rain today so it’s cooler (a little bit), but still I’d rather recommend ice coffee than normal hot coffee.

If we were having coffee I’d ask everyone of you how you’re doing and what’s been going on for you…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather rough week, particularly last days of it, but I’ll get into it later on.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it was my aunt’s 40th birthday on Monday. I supposed she’d be doing something massive as it would be quite her style but there was only a small, or relatively small, family gathering. I planned not to go and just phone her and wish her happy birthday, but eventually I decided to go because she wouldn’t answer. We aren’t really getting along too well with that aunt, despite she’s my God mother and it wasn’t always this way, I guess our personalities clash totally and in a way are too similar, but on the other hand we’re too different in other aspects at the same time. And there was a minor but quite nasty incident with her that regarded me which left me feeling quite unstable, but I got over it rather quickly since it’s rather about her issues than mine or anyone else’s.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve started some collaboration with Nameberry. Don’t know yet what if anything will come out of it long term, but as you could notice I wrote a guest post for their blog. It was a lot of fun and I feel quite excited about it, and proud of myself cause I think the post is really good.

The following few paragraphs may be a bit lengthy and might feel hard or perhaps potentially triggering for someone, so if you feel uncomfortable just skip them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had an awful, absolutely shitty day on Thursday. I just thought my brain will explode with anxiety, even on my extra anxiety meds, it was just nuts. That night my Mum couldn’t sleep so she came to me – ’cause if anyone can’t sleep in this house it’s of course usually me so she usually comes to me when she can’t sleep and checks if I’m up too so we can share the pain haha. She took a mattress with her and said it’s very hot in her room and whether she could sleep in mine, so I agreed. There was my poor Braille-Sense charging and the light was flickering so I told her she can switch it off and she did. Then we both fell asleep and slept rather soundly. But at like 6 Braille-Sense couldn’t stand it any longer and woke us up that it wants to eat. It’s so old it literally can’t make it without a recharger, even when you don’t do anything to him, a total addict. So I jumped out of the bed to shut him up immediately. Unfortunately Mum woke up too and decided it’s time for her to get up. We chatted for a while and she went out, I still felt quite sleepy though so went back to bed. Despite sleepiness, I couldn’t fall asleep for like 15 minutes, maybe a bit more. Usually, when I wake up at night but still want to get back to sleep but the break is too long, like 30 minutes or longer, and I still can’t fall asleep, I don’t try anymore, because then I usually end up with sleep paralysis. But it was just like about 15 minutes and I definitely felt like I still could use some sleep. I guess my brain was in a rather malicious mood and it wouldn’t let me. Instead, I did fall into sleep paralysis. Sometimes it lasts longer, I can notice when I float away and with some physical and mental effort get away from there, but this time it all just happened so rapidly, plus like I said I felt sleepy so didn’t fully realise when my sleepiness turned out into floatiness and everything felt distant, gloomy. It was only when I felt that awful, huge wave of anxiety washing over me, actually filling in the atmosphere arund me, that I realised what’s going on, and it was way too late. My brain felt tired and floaty, my consciousness started to change in that weird way and my limbs felt heavy. I started to feel dizzy and slip down into the darkness with light speed, I actually never was falling so quickly before, or can’t remember.

I won’t go into details as for what happened next, I mean as for the exact content, because it’s incredibly hard to describe those, hm, “dreams”, first because it’s just all so abstractive, elusive, subjective, but also because it’s just too scary. Sometimes I feel I maybe should write about it in detail somewhere or talk to someone but it’s always too scary and way too hard to describe. But what I can tell you is that it was al full of anxiety, doom and gloom. I feel like maybe in other circumstances it wouldn’t be so scary, it’s mainly just the atmosphere of anxiety and inevitable danger around that makes it so horrifying, most of the anxiety provoking things are actually things I was very afraid of in childhood, now either not so much (in real life) or I just don’t have contact with these things anymore. These dreams are full of very anxiety provoking, aggressive sounds, don’t know if they’d sound so for everyone, but so are they for me, often with very intricate, gloomy harmonies. All those anxiety stimuli are actually weirdly personified, they’re all like real people, spirting with hatred towards me and doing everything in their might to make me feel more helpless.

Besides all those anxieties, there’s also often some plot in those dreams, often very chaotic and consisting of single, not related, scary events, although I’ve been having those dreams since very early childhood and at the beginning they were always very schematic and predictable.

I actually don’t know if it’s exactly sleep paralysis, because people who have sleep paralysis usually seem to have full consciousness, while in my case it’s like I’m half-conscious most of the time, and often things that happen in the outside world mix quite creepily with my dreams. Sometimes I am only aware that I am dreaming, or sometimes I have sort of two perspectives – one is inner where I only see what’s in my dreams, and another is where I only can see what’s on the outside, can hear the music, people talking, but obviously can’t interact or anything. Sometimes I know I am dreaming but I don’t know what’s going on on the outside and my brain makes up things that don’t happen, but are very, very, very realistic. Also, people with sleep paralysis often have a sensation that someone or something is literaly sitting on them, like they feel strong pressure which makes breathing harder. For me breathing in those dreams is often very difficult but I had this pressure only once, however I’ve had the motive of someone assailing me, knocking me off, wanting to harm me physically, not letting me move etc. But I too, like many people with this condition often feel some sense of someone’s presence before I fully fall into it and am having other sorts of delusions before it really starts. Besides those people with sleep paralysis I know of usually feel very frustrated with not being able to move, they are aware they can’t move, while I often am not aware that I can’t. I see myself doing different things in dreams, hear myself screaming, fighting with my dream “friends”, getting up, etc. while in fact nothing happens and I’m just lying. Sometimes it may be that I dream I am going to my Mum to help me, and then another creepy thing happens, making me realise I’m still at the very same dead point I was before and no one is going to help me except for myself. I dream I am turning on music on my Plextalk to get rid of the nasty sounds and the anxiety but of course since I can’t move my hands I don’t do it in reality, so either my Plextalk also is against me, or doesn’t work, or something creepy happens. Also some other things don’t look exactly like sleep paralysis but I don’t know what else it could be and still it’s incredibly similar to what I experience so that’s why I call it this way, since I didn’t know for years what it actually is, I just thought everyone’s nightmares look this way for a long time.

And what’s very characteristic to those dreams for me lately, and the most exhausting I guess, are false awakenings. I just hate them so much.

If you don’t know what a false awakening is, although I guess it’s pretty easy to guess, imagine that you sleep happily, or not happily, doesn’t matter, then you get up as every normal human being, do your morning routines, go out to work, or do whatever else, and out of the blue you realise you’ve beenΒ  in your bed all the time and it was just a dream. Incredibly realistic, with all the things you do during the day, just in the same order as you do them, with people saying normal things, the only abnormal thing being it was just a dream. And, if you’re particularly lucky and dreamy, then it can go over and over and over again. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast… back in bed…

And so it is often for me, only that if it happens during sleep paralysis, it occurs in a very scary form.

I scream, fight, run away, choke, fall down, rise up, do whatever to just survive, and then… boom! it’s as if you fell down from somewhere high on your bed. Oh, great, so I’m awake! Thanks Goodness, finally! Get up, get dressed, feed Misha, and suddenly… hmm, where did actually Misha disappear? he was right in front of me a second ago wasn’t he? But now it’s not Misha, but one of my dream “friends” right in front of me, laughing at me like crazy, everything is dizzy and I slip back right where I was before. Etc. etc. etc. in the same pattern.

But most often it’s like I am in there, in my dreams, and desperately want to get back to life, try to move, test whether everything around me is real or not, do anything to get rid of the floatiness in my brain and get closer to the real world. I often hear people calling me, like my Mum waking me up, even if it is not true, motivate myself to get up and… finally I manage. I am glad, but still the anxiety flows everywhere I feel floaty, and often even like I was still in some way paralysed, like I wouldn’t have much control over my moves or something. But I try to not care, or ignore it completely, usually in this situation I go to whoever is around to help me and make me feel safer, although I never do this when I really wake up. They often help me, are very compassionate, sometimes are cruel and turns out they’re collaborating with my dreammates, like when I was a kid I once dreamt that my Mum wanted to cut my foot because they forced her. πŸ˜€ Sometimes they don’t want to cooperate with them but have to, sometimes they’re very willing. Whatever happens though, finally I always slip back there, scared and disappointed, and confused as for what is real. Sometimes it is so that I may live my “normal” life for quite long and then finally realise that something doesn’t really look very realistic and that then it has to mean it is a dream, and then everything starts over with a lot of chaos. Usually then I see some creepy scenes not necessarily with me in one of the main roles, often as an observer. And then again I’m scared and want to wake up, gradually more and more confused as for what is real, am I sleeping or awake, what’s generally going on.

Often after that episode I’m exhausted and fall into very deep, heavy sleep, sometimes it’s completely dreamless and sometimes I have some disturbing bad or weird dreams, but rather mildly bad in comparison to the sleep paralysis. But despite it’s so heavy it’s rarely really good sleep.

When I finally wake up for good, I am usually very puzzled for a little while and obviously usually feel a lot of anxiety, but it usually passes away quickly. I mean, I can be anxious for quite a while, but not as much as when I wake up, when it can be really really high. I usually get over it quickly.

But the last time, that Thursday morning, it waas a hardcore. It lasted for like THREE HOURS, I fel like it was scarier than ever. I have very good dream memory, which is also a blessing in many circumstances, but when I woke up after all that and remembered what I dreamt about, it was hard to get over it and get some distance to it, just feeling relief that it was only a dream. When I wake up for real, after all those false awakenings, I always know well I’m awake and am no longer confused, but last time I started to wonder. What if I am still asleep? Deep down I knew it’s over, but what if not? What if some day I’ll wake up and just won’t be able to tell what’s real from what’s not? It scared me even more.

I went downstairs still feeling a bit floaty from the dream and very scared, tired as if I really was fighting with someone for three hours and unsettled. Mum was in the kitchen and said she couldn’t wait for me to come and that now I am surely well rested after so much sleep. She said she was in my room twice and I slept so heavily. I guess I could hear her once, or it was my imagination.

I usually try not to make too much drama around my dreams because I know there isn’t any universal cure for it and that it always distresses my Mum cause she doesn’t know what to do about it and feels helpless, but this time it was that little bit too much to bear for me. I felt shaky like jelly and couldn’t stop tears from falling so she was quite amazed what’s going on, and it took her a while to get it out of me because I was a real real mess. I took all my anxiety meds, I mean two pills of my basic one and one of the extra med, but I was still shaky, my head was hurting like a bitch, and I felt like a true drama queen because it was actually Mum’s nameday so the guests were about to come. Poor Zofijka was looking around puzzled askign everyone what happened and not getting any consistent answer. Finally I managed to take a long bath and then Mum sent me back to bed although I was really anxious as for that since I didn’t want to get trapped by my beautiful brain again.

I was so tired that I did fall asleep almost immediately but slept very soundly. Things have changed a little bit after I woke up, I mean outside, not so much inside, I was still in pieces and very hypervigilant and all. But felt good enough to get down to the guests for a while and keep a socially decent and logical conversation.

I got back to my room and then I realised the cold, hard truth… the Internet was off! That meant a really hard day for me. After those dreams I am always very sensitive as for silence and can’t stand it, same as some particular sounds. Most of my music was online. Most of things I could do at that moment to distract myself the best were online, particularly now as the guests were in. Smalltalk isn’t particularly stimulating nor distracting for me and I would rather feel bored, and I couldn’t ask my parents for any help as they were with them, and Zofijka was playing with other kids who came in. Misha always escapes when too many people are around, and usually to my room, but when they came I was asleep and my room was closed so he went somewhere else and I didn’t know where he was. So there weren’t many things I could do, I was mostly reading, and listening to music I had, helped Mum in the kitchen afterwards, but was still incredibly tense and overloaded. It was just so horrifying, I haven’t feel such extreme things for a long while before then.

The Internet hasn’t come back even at night, so again I was left to only my own resources, and night was twice as hard, even though sometime later on Misha had mercy on me and came to me. It was nightmare and I had a feeling I’m just going crazy and things won’t be as they were before anymore, that I’ll just always live with such high level of anxiety. Needless to say I didn’t even try to fall asleep, quite the opposite.

The next day it was slightly better though. And you know what turned out then? My brilliant Mum, when she slept in my room, she messed up with the router somehow while she was switching things off. And it only needed to be rebooted. It was funny but also frustrating because I really needed some distraction that day and Mum told me there is probably some more general damage like at our Internet provider or something, so I just accepted it and didn’t even try to fix it myself. πŸ˜€

I was still very anxious, but since I had many more productive things to do then, and some time has passed, it was much more manageable.

And so it is now. I still haven’t recovered fuly from that nasty episode, I feel. But I am a bit more stable and don’t freak out without Misha.

I wonder what was actually going on with those dreams. Was it just an accident it was so long and so rough, just a random thing, or is something changing and it is going to get worse? If so, I think I’ll really need to try hitting it with antidepressants, I once saw a neurologist for that and she said it sometimes works for people, but then I decided I will try to handle it with some better sleep hygiene and stuff. But if you have messed up sleep cycle by nature, regular sleeping and waking up and maintaining sleep hygiene isn’t always that easy, so I guess the time for antidepressants will finaly come sooner or later, even though I haven’t heard about people for whom it would be helpful. But it shouldn’t be harmful, so I guess I’ll try if it’s going to stay this way.

If we were having coffee I’d tel you today is my friend’s 1st death anniversary. Man I still can’t believe he’s dead. I never told you about that, I feel weird talking about his death still, not like I can’t accept it but like it’s just so weird to talk about him that he’s dead. I am talking about Jacek, that Jacek who was writing the novel about vikings. He was such a lively, energetic person, always full of ideas and so bubbly. But he got osteosarcoma and then there were some nasty metastases, it just progressed very quickly. I couldn’t get it for weeks that he was dead, and still my brain doesn’t fully get it I guess. I will maybe do some longer post in memory of him, because he was such a remarkable man, I need to think about this. He was only 25 when he died. And he told me he’s going to Valhalla. πŸ™‚

And quite in the same topic, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday my friend wrote to me, with whom I haven’t have any contact since before Jacek has passed away. She is our mutual friend Jacek’s and mine. She is Swedish – Jacek had lots of friends in Sweden and Finland and I’ve met some interesting people via him – and this particular girl I met when we were all three collaborating on Jacek’s online radiostation, I was volunteeering as a sound engineer there and has learned a lot during that short episode, about broadcasting, vikings, not to mention sound engineering, and many other things. And that girl, Annika, she was one of the presenters and that’s how we met online. She is a Slavic languages freak and has been learning Polish and other Slavic languages since early childhood just as it’s been with my Swedish. ANyway. We were never very close because we just knew each other through Jacek, but I’ve always liked her, she’s really sweet and down to earth. We haven’t talked almost at all since Jacek’s death though, there just weren’t any occasion. And I was greatly surprised seeing a message from her. She wrote to me to say she’ll be getting married soon. With a Pole, haha. And I am very happy she shared it with me and that I could catch up on her, and that she seems to be in a happy and already quite long lasting relationship. And because it was so close to Jacek’s death anniversary we also talked about this in length. And seems like we both feel the same way about this, that we don’t quite believe it yet. I was really glad to be able to write with her for a while. And it’s so cool she’ll be living in Poland for good now.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach today. My parents, Zofijka, me, and uncle and aunt, from Dad’s side. But, turns out, we’re incredibly lucky. We’ve been having an incredibly hot week, but due to various things happening we couldn’t go to the beach earlier, so we just waited for Sunday to come. and, as soon as we came to the beach, the rain started falling. We were all wet and me and Zofijka were feeling very cold and now we both have sore throat, I hope we won’t be sick. πŸ˜€ Moreover, when we came home, got rid of all the mud we’ve brought in, showered and stuff, the clouds disappeared and it’s hot again, only more humid. Isn’t that a pure luck? πŸ˜€ Mum has some sort of ear infection, I actually was telling her not to go to the beach with it as it could only get worse, and it looks like it did get worse, she’s barely hearing on that ear. She tried using geranium for it and other home remedies, but looks like our lifestyle guru will have to see a laryngologist, probably tomorrow.

And if we were having coffee I’d tell you that Mum went to a coeliac disease specialist last Wednesday, but it looks like her referral didn’t get through to them. So now she’ll go to another one that can see her much quicker, on Tuesday, and without a referral. So she’ll have a real health week. But I hope the news she’ll get will be good.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Let’s have some coffee guys, or whatever you like to drink. I’m curious what has happened to you this past week and how your weekend is going, and I haven’t made a Weekend Coffee Share for a while here so there are some things I need to update you on.

Aside from coffee we also have a rabbit that my Dad has made in an apparently Kashubian way, which tastes really cool. As I told you before Mum has also made a mole cake, and we still have a lot of blueberries as we bought a lot of them. And there are some muffins with raspberries as well. So make yourself comfortable and grab whatever you’d like to drink and eat.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you Zofijka has been on a trip with some of our Mum’s family, they were in the mountains, in Lower silesia. They are coming back today, and I think she’ll be home pretty soon. It’s good, but it was also really good without Zofijka, so calm and quiet, and we bonded some more with Misha, it really feels like he opened for me more, and is more trustful. Mum has less to do as well, and less to worry about. Misha is currently sleeping in my room in his little bed, he’s sleeping just like a baby. My uncle has come to Dad to help him do some technical stuff o the backyard, and he came in the house for a while, and scared Misha to death. He is so loud, jovialΒ  and very extroverted, like when he’s talking “normally”, he’s just shouting, which annoys me greatly as well, but some people just seem to be so haha, anyway Misha was the first being he stumbled upon in the house and started screaming – Kitty!!! Kitty! What a lovely kitty you are!!! Come here! – but Misha ran away and escaped to my room. A very wise decision, screamers are never ever allowed in here. This little incident seemed to exhaust him completely, ’cause he just literally crawled up to his bed and fell down on it. He’s just my boy hahaha, poor child. He looks so cute in his sleep.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you once again that my crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys has released his new album on Thursday and I am so damn excited and having a major crush peak. It feels so good having a crush peak. Life would be so much more boring without having crushes haha. I think I’d dwell on it for much longer if we were really having coffee. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I already wrote to two Polish magazines with the offer that I could write articles about names for them. One is a parenting magazine, and I know they’ve tried doing something with names in the past, but the effects, in my own opinion, were rather miserable. And the other is astrological/paranormal, you name it, generally a magazine for women. I actually didn’t plan to write to them, but my Mum told me I could, and write about the influence of names on personalities. I’m anxiously, or rather impatiently, I’m not that very anxious about it at least now, awaiting any response from them. I have no idea technically about writing articles for magazines and I don’t know anything about all the procedures they might have, but I hope it’ll work out. I have many ideas on name related articles so maybe something will interest them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we will be having two parties next week. One is my aunt’s 40th birthday, and one is my Mum’s nameday. My Mum is planning to make a bonfire, and I don’t know anything about my aunt’s plans, but knowing her, I would be greatly surprised if she wouldn’t do anything spectacular. I’m quite anxious about it if I’m honest, though I don’t know yet whether I’ll actually go to my aunt’s. Another thing I’m pretty anxious about is the fact that my Mum will be having all the tests for coeliac disease done next week. I’m anxious about her results. Like I know something’s wrong with her health for sure, and most likely it’s some absorbtion disorder, but, quite unlike me, I still hope it’s not coeliac disease, despite quite obvious evidence. Maybe it’s just gluten intolerance? But, does it really make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things? She hasn’t felt the best lately, so on the other hand I am actually looking forward to these tests.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s freakin’ hot today. and awfully humid. We’ve had a lot of rains lately, and while most of Europe was roasting in the recent few weeks, we’ve been in quite good situation, having warm, but usually not too hot weather. But since a few days it’s awfully hot. It makes me feel sluggish and my brain, I mean head obviously, hurts like I’m going to get a migraine, but I hope that won’t happen, I’ve just had a migraine last week, I usually don’t have them so often.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ll be having feet massage next week. Just for relaxation. And my Mum too. Not at our massage therapist’s, in a different place, but anyway I am pretty curious and looking forward to it. It’ll apparently be Thai massage.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s likely we’ll go to the sea tomorrow. Well unless I won’t get a migraine. πŸ˜€ Then I won’t go for sure.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we have a lot of fruit and vegetables now in our garden. While Dad is caring for the vegetables, as it seems to be his new passion, and they don’t require much preserving or anything, Mum is constantly making juices, preserves, jams, jellies etc. We have particularly a lot of currants. I’ve been helping Mum a lot in the garden as there is really a lot to pick, and my Mum isn’t particularly into gardening and stuff, but as she says it’s always beter to have your own fruit, plus she’s having spine issues. I help her with processing it all too if I can, yesterday we spent a whole afternoon picking currants and making juice. Usually Zofijka is the one who helps her because Zofijka likes gardening, but since now Zofijka isn’t home, I help her. We’ve been having lots of interesting and funny conversations meanwhile.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚