If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Yup, there’s nothing better than a hot steaming strong coffee is there? But maybe not in this kinda weather.

So OK if you wanna have coffee here you are, but what I’d highly recommend in this awfully hot atmosphere would be definitely something cooler. I am sipping on orange juice with a whole lot of ice. Even the ice itself is yummy hahaha. Can anyone tell me why do I like ice so much? ๐Ÿ˜€ No not only to have it in a drink or suck on it or whatever, I just love ice. But why?! I’m pretty curious, but I’ve never got to know so far. But I guess I’ll never understand my freaky brain.

OK so I can pour you some coffee or ice coffee or tea or orange juice or water with lemon, that’s pretty much all we have at the moment, but weirdly enough I’m craving almond milk and I think I’ll need to buy myself some so that we could have some for the next coffee & almond milk share, if anyone else would fancy. I love almond milk, but I rarely have it. It sounds so sophisticated… Almond milk. Doesn’t it? As if you couldn’t drink normal milk like all the normal people out there. But no, I can’t. I don’t like cow milk, at least not on its own. And more importantly, I’m certainly not normal. But that’s another thing.

Ok so if we’re done with the drink thing, if we were having coffee, I’d ask everyone of you how are you doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather uneventful week. My anxiety has finally lessened. It lasted very long, and it was hard to get out of that murky shitty place I was in, but it’s mostly over. Luckily I didn’t have any sleep paralysis episodes this week and I hope it will stay this way as long as possible, I’m really sick of this kind of anxiety for now, it was really debilitating and made me functioning very poorly.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Zofijka is at our cousin’s. I think she’ll stay there until tomorrow, if not longer. She’s been out travelling or visiting people a lot this summer, and all of us are really happy about that, I don’t know how about Misha, his feelings seem to be mixed, but he also benefits from this situation.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach on Wednesday. My parents, Olek and me. It was really cool. We were much more lucky than last Sunday when it started to rain as we came to the sea. It did become stormy and cloudy but not until we were leaving. By the time we were by the sea it was very sunny and not too hot, really nice, and I spent most of the time in the water. Then we went for a lunch to a restaurant and it was absolutely delicious. Maybe we’ll also go to the beach tomorrow. My parents were also by the seaside on Thursday but I didn’t go with them, they were going with some Dad’s friends so I wouldn’t have much to do and would feel rather bored so I just stayed home, since my anxiety was more settled so I could, without freaking out, even though Misha didn’t want to keep me company and slept in one of his top secret hideouts. But that was OK with me and I had a great day.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m thinking a lot about my therapy lately. Because I don’t really feel like me and my current therapist get along with each other. I mean I like her as a person, and I appreciate that she offered it herself to me that she would be willing to work with me when I got my diagnoses of AVPD and dysthymia in March, but I don’t click with her as a therapist, or so I feel. I feel like I haven’t made much progress with her. Like I feel somewhat relieved knowing finally my diagnoses and thought that from now on when I know what’s wrong with me I’d be able to handle it better with her help, but I don’t feel like a lot has happened since I saw her for the first time. On the other hand it’s only since March that she’s my therapist, so maybe it’s too short to make statements like that, maybe I should give us more time? And also my previous therapist, although we didn’t have regular sessions in like last five years, she knew me very well and I was quite significantly attached to her, we were working together for like 10 years or such, since I was at the integration school so it was really a long time. So maybe I’m expecting to much from this therapist or something? It’s hard to say I guess. Also this therapist I work with now works in CBT, while Monika, my previous one, was also primarily doing CBT but was mixing the various other models too, and I feel like she was more flexible and open-minded. Also the work I did with Monika was that much different that back then I indeed needed some speciffic, concrete coping skills, or very speciffic support from her, because my life situation was different, I was seeing her less regularly, most of the time when she was my therapist I was at the boarding school, so needed some clear and working strategies to cope and survive, and CBT is I suppose something that works well in such cases. We focused on ongoing issues that I needed to solve or things I didn’t cope well with or my ongoing fears etc. and there wasn’t much place at that moment for any deeper work because – at first due to me staying mostly at the boarding school and not being able to see her often and then due to her very busy schedule – we just couldn’t see each other very regularly and most often were just checking in on the phone/via email or having a session once in a while when it fit both of us. That just had to be enough and there weren’t many other options for me at that time to get any professional support and I feel very lucky that I had her at that time. I don’t think many other therapists would be so open and so very supportive for me at that situation, being available always then when I most needed her and was most distressed, and looking at my issues objectively.

But now, as my life situation has changed and is more stable, I’m wondering whether CBT is really for me. They say it works for both mood disorders and anxiety disorders and that AVPD is also usually treated with CBT, but, I’m just not sure if it is what I’m looking for. I feel like my issues, particularly those from which my AVPD seems to come from, are mostly deeply rooted in the past. And I wonder whether now wouldn’t be a good time to process some things to be able to move on. Also I don’t think I have one strict, concrete therapeutic goal right now that I want to go to and achieve. It’s much more like there are many things I want to grasp somehow, either proces or learn to live with or get rid of… I am kinda anxious about this whole digging in the roots of things but maybe that’s what would help me? So I’m wondering which therapeutic model would fit me more and maybe it should be something like psychoanalysis/psychodynamic therapy? That sounds like it could be really suitable, but then new doubts arise and I just don’t know where to go from there. I also thought maybe Gestalt therapy could be helpful with the AVPD thing, maybe not processing but things like my self esteem or anxiety, and that it looks into the future, which I always see as so very black and awful and depressing. And I am just confused as for what to do.

Another thing is that in my particular area I guess there wouldn’t be very many therapists. The easiest way to get to therapy is in our local psychological clinic, but from my previous experiences there and opinions from some other people I suppose that most therapists that work there are doing CBT. Because I can’t commute on my own, obviously I wouldn’t like my Mum to have to drive with me once or twice a week somewhere far away or that is hard to get to. So yeah, lots of confusion here. I am also considering some online therapy, if not as my main one then maybe as an addition to the sessions with my current therapist which I have fortnightly which sometimes feels not enough. So maybe that’s how it’s going to end up. I guess I have to think it through and give it more time or probably talk to my Mum about it. I haven’t so far. I often have an impression she seems significantly distressed when we are talking about my mental health issues so although overall we have a really good relationship nowadays, compared to how it used to be and compared to many other mother-daughter relationships out there, but in this particular topic it’s kinda tough. I guess she’s still blaming herself a lot.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m having a good, quite chilled out day today. I woke up extremely early but just wasn’t sleepy anymore. We played a little with Misha. But the rest of the day he’s been actually sleeping through, and he looks so cute. It’s incredibly hot as I said and after we had dinner I realised it’s way too sultry for me, despite the fan going on almost 24/7 in my room. Usually when it’s so hot I don’t go far from home much unless like to the backyard to cool off or with my family to the sea, on such days my blood pressure is usually LOW and same is with my Mum so we just don’t want to overheat even more to not feel worse plusI am way too sluggish and lazy then to go somewhere very far. But today I thought if I won’t go out of this house right away… I don’t know, but nothing good will happen for sure. ๐Ÿ˜€ So I asked Mum if she would like to go for a walk, and she said she would, so we went. We also bought some cool drinks on our way, and I felt a bit better when we came back. We got some orange juice and went out again this time just on the backyard and sat by our river drinking the juice dipping feet in the water and Mum was watching some video but it was in English and without subtitles, and my Mum doesn’t know much English, so I was translating it to her. And so now it’s 7 PM so I guess I’ll have a cool shower now and maybe will do my Welsh challenge for today, I didn’t motivate myself to do it earlier, but I am not sure about it, I don’t want my poor brain to be mad at me. ๐Ÿ˜€

Ah, and as for the language stuff, if we were having coffee I’d tell you my inner linguistic freak is over the mon and very proud of herself today. As you could see earlier today, I’ve translated a children’s song from Norwegian to English. I wanted to share it with you – I mean the song, in the song of the day series – because I think it’s cool and funny, but I wanted it to be understandable. I could understand it well via my Swedish, but couldn’t find any English translation online to share. SO my inner linguistic freak decided to take on a challenge and translate it herself. Considering that I can’t speak Norwegian, and am not an English native, I feel like it’s quite an achievement. It was quite a piece of work, despite it’s just a children’s song.

I know it has probably lots of various errors still, but in this case I didn’t aim that much to perfection, I just wanted to show you what it is about, I wouldn’t think I could translate anything from Norwegian to ENglish perfectly, particularly if I haven’t ever translated anything from NOrwegian to any other language before, so didn’t expect it at all. However although it’s not made for the sake of perfectionism, if you have any feedback, comments or you think I could fix something, it would be greatly appreciated, particularly if you happen to speak Norwegian and could tell me if I translated all the words well. I am sure there are some stylistical or grammar errors in the translation too so if you see any, let me know as well.

If you haven’t seen the song and my translation yet and would like, it’s here:

Alexander Rybak ft. Superbarna โ€“ Dyrene I Afrika (Animals In Africa).

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? ๐Ÿ™‚

What has happened to you this week? HOw is your weekend going? Are you looking forward to something? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Welcome to another coffee share. We’ve had some rain today so it’s cooler (a little bit), but still I’d rather recommend ice coffee than normal hot coffee.

If we were having coffee I’d ask everyone of you how you’re doing and what’s been going on for you…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather rough week, particularly last days of it, but I’ll get into it later on.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it was my aunt’s 40th birthday on Monday. I supposed she’d be doing something massive as it would be quite her style but there was only a small, or relatively small, family gathering. I planned not to go and just phone her and wish her happy birthday, but eventually I decided to go because she wouldn’t answer. We aren’t really getting along too well with that aunt, despite she’s my God mother and it wasn’t always this way, I guess our personalities clash totally and in a way are too similar, but on the other hand we’re too different in other aspects at the same time. And there was a minor but quite nasty incident with her that regarded me which left me feeling quite unstable, but I got over it rather quickly since it’s rather about her issues than mine or anyone else’s.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve started some collaboration with Nameberry. Don’t know yet what if anything will come out of it long term, but as you could notice I wrote a guest post for their blog. It was a lot of fun and I feel quite excited about it, and proud of myself cause I think the post is really good.

The following few paragraphs may be a bit lengthy and might feel hard or perhaps potentially triggering for someone, so if you feel uncomfortable just skip them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had an awful, absolutely shitty day on Thursday. I just thought my brain will explode with anxiety, even on my extra anxiety meds, it was just nuts. That night my Mum couldn’t sleep so she came to me – ’cause if anyone can’t sleep in this house it’s of course usually me so she usually comes to me when she can’t sleep and checks if I’m up too so we can share the pain haha. She took a mattress with her and said it’s very hot in her room and whether she could sleep in mine, so I agreed. There was my poor Braille-Sense charging and the light was flickering so I told her she can switch it off and she did. Then we both fell asleep and slept rather soundly. But at like 6 Braille-Sense couldn’t stand it any longer and woke us up that it wants to eat. It’s so old it literally can’t make it without a recharger, even when you don’t do anything to him, a total addict. So I jumped out of the bed to shut him up immediately. Unfortunately Mum woke up too and decided it’s time for her to get up. We chatted for a while and she went out, I still felt quite sleepy though so went back to bed. Despite sleepiness, I couldn’t fall asleep for like 15 minutes, maybe a bit more. Usually, when I wake up at night but still want to get back to sleep but the break is too long, like 30 minutes or longer, and I still can’t fall asleep, I don’t try anymore, because then I usually end up with sleep paralysis. But it was just like about 15 minutes and I definitely felt like I still could use some sleep. I guess my brain was in a rather malicious mood and it wouldn’t let me. Instead, I did fall into sleep paralysis. Sometimes it lasts longer, I can notice when I float away and with some physical and mental effort get away from there, but this time it all just happened so rapidly, plus like I said I felt sleepy so didn’t fully realise when my sleepiness turned out into floatiness and everything felt distant, gloomy. It was only when I felt that awful, huge wave of anxiety washing over me, actually filling in the atmosphere arund me, that I realised what’s going on, and it was way too late. My brain felt tired and floaty, my consciousness started to change in that weird way and my limbs felt heavy. I started to feel dizzy and slip down into the darkness with light speed, I actually never was falling so quickly before, or can’t remember.

I won’t go into details as for what happened next, I mean as for the exact content, because it’s incredibly hard to describe those, hm, “dreams”, first because it’s just all so abstractive, elusive, subjective, but also because it’s just too scary. Sometimes I feel I maybe should write about it in detail somewhere or talk to someone but it’s always too scary and way too hard to describe. But what I can tell you is that it was al full of anxiety, doom and gloom. I feel like maybe in other circumstances it wouldn’t be so scary, it’s mainly just the atmosphere of anxiety and inevitable danger around that makes it so horrifying, most of the anxiety provoking things are actually things I was very afraid of in childhood, now either not so much (in real life) or I just don’t have contact with these things anymore. These dreams are full of very anxiety provoking, aggressive sounds, don’t know if they’d sound so for everyone, but so are they for me, often with very intricate, gloomy harmonies. All those anxiety stimuli are actually weirdly personified, they’re all like real people, spirting with hatred towards me and doing everything in their might to make me feel more helpless.

Besides all those anxieties, there’s also often some plot in those dreams, often very chaotic and consisting of single, not related, scary events, although I’ve been having those dreams since very early childhood and at the beginning they were always very schematic and predictable.

I actually don’t know if it’s exactly sleep paralysis, because people who have sleep paralysis usually seem to have full consciousness, while in my case it’s like I’m half-conscious most of the time, and often things that happen in the outside world mix quite creepily with my dreams. Sometimes I am only aware that I am dreaming, or sometimes I have sort of two perspectives – one is inner where I only see what’s in my dreams, and another is where I only can see what’s on the outside, can hear the music, people talking, but obviously can’t interact or anything. Sometimes I know I am dreaming but I don’t know what’s going on on the outside and my brain makes up things that don’t happen, but are very, very, very realistic. Also, people with sleep paralysis often have a sensation that someone or something is literaly sitting on them, like they feel strong pressure which makes breathing harder. For me breathing in those dreams is often very difficult but I had this pressure only once, however I’ve had the motive of someone assailing me, knocking me off, wanting to harm me physically, not letting me move etc. But I too, like many people with this condition often feel some sense of someone’s presence before I fully fall into it and am having other sorts of delusions before it really starts. Besides those people with sleep paralysis I know of usually feel very frustrated with not being able to move, they are aware they can’t move, while I often am not aware that I can’t. I see myself doing different things in dreams, hear myself screaming, fighting with my dream “friends”, getting up, etc. while in fact nothing happens and I’m just lying. Sometimes it may be that I dream I am going to my Mum to help me, and then another creepy thing happens, making me realise I’m still at the very same dead point I was before and no one is going to help me except for myself. I dream I am turning on music on my Plextalk to get rid of the nasty sounds and the anxiety but of course since I can’t move my hands I don’t do it in reality, so either my Plextalk also is against me, or doesn’t work, or something creepy happens. Also some other things don’t look exactly like sleep paralysis but I don’t know what else it could be and still it’s incredibly similar to what I experience so that’s why I call it this way, since I didn’t know for years what it actually is, I just thought everyone’s nightmares look this way for a long time.

And what’s very characteristic to those dreams for me lately, and the most exhausting I guess, are false awakenings. I just hate them so much.

If you don’t know what a false awakening is, although I guess it’s pretty easy to guess, imagine that you sleep happily, or not happily, doesn’t matter, then you get up as every normal human being, do your morning routines, go out to work, or do whatever else, and out of the blue you realise you’ve beenย  in your bed all the time and it was just a dream. Incredibly realistic, with all the things you do during the day, just in the same order as you do them, with people saying normal things, the only abnormal thing being it was just a dream. And, if you’re particularly lucky and dreamy, then it can go over and over and over again. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast… back in bed…

And so it is often for me, only that if it happens during sleep paralysis, it occurs in a very scary form.

I scream, fight, run away, choke, fall down, rise up, do whatever to just survive, and then… boom! it’s as if you fell down from somewhere high on your bed. Oh, great, so I’m awake! Thanks Goodness, finally! Get up, get dressed, feed Misha, and suddenly… hmm, where did actually Misha disappear? he was right in front of me a second ago wasn’t he? But now it’s not Misha, but one of my dream “friends” right in front of me, laughing at me like crazy, everything is dizzy and I slip back right where I was before. Etc. etc. etc. in the same pattern.

But most often it’s like I am in there, in my dreams, and desperately want to get back to life, try to move, test whether everything around me is real or not, do anything to get rid of the floatiness in my brain and get closer to the real world. I often hear people calling me, like my Mum waking me up, even if it is not true, motivate myself to get up and… finally I manage. I am glad, but still the anxiety flows everywhere I feel floaty, and often even like I was still in some way paralysed, like I wouldn’t have much control over my moves or something. But I try to not care, or ignore it completely, usually in this situation I go to whoever is around to help me and make me feel safer, although I never do this when I really wake up. They often help me, are very compassionate, sometimes are cruel and turns out they’re collaborating with my dreammates, like when I was a kid I once dreamt that my Mum wanted to cut my foot because they forced her. ๐Ÿ˜€ Sometimes they don’t want to cooperate with them but have to, sometimes they’re very willing. Whatever happens though, finally I always slip back there, scared and disappointed, and confused as for what is real. Sometimes it is so that I may live my “normal” life for quite long and then finally realise that something doesn’t really look very realistic and that then it has to mean it is a dream, and then everything starts over with a lot of chaos. Usually then I see some creepy scenes not necessarily with me in one of the main roles, often as an observer. And then again I’m scared and want to wake up, gradually more and more confused as for what is real, am I sleeping or awake, what’s generally going on.

Often after that episode I’m exhausted and fall into very deep, heavy sleep, sometimes it’s completely dreamless and sometimes I have some disturbing bad or weird dreams, but rather mildly bad in comparison to the sleep paralysis. But despite it’s so heavy it’s rarely really good sleep.

When I finally wake up for good, I am usually very puzzled for a little while and obviously usually feel a lot of anxiety, but it usually passes away quickly. I mean, I can be anxious for quite a while, but not as much as when I wake up, when it can be really really high. I usually get over it quickly.

But the last time, that Thursday morning, it waas a hardcore. It lasted for like THREE HOURS, I fel like it was scarier than ever. I have very good dream memory, which is also a blessing in many circumstances, but when I woke up after all that and remembered what I dreamt about, it was hard to get over it and get some distance to it, just feeling relief that it was only a dream. When I wake up for real, after all those false awakenings, I always know well I’m awake and am no longer confused, but last time I started to wonder. What if I am still asleep? Deep down I knew it’s over, but what if not? What if some day I’ll wake up and just won’t be able to tell what’s real from what’s not? It scared me even more.

I went downstairs still feeling a bit floaty from the dream and very scared, tired as if I really was fighting with someone for three hours and unsettled. Mum was in the kitchen and said she couldn’t wait for me to come and that now I am surely well rested after so much sleep. She said she was in my room twice and I slept so heavily. I guess I could hear her once, or it was my imagination.

I usually try not to make too much drama around my dreams because I know there isn’t any universal cure for it and that it always distresses my Mum cause she doesn’t know what to do about it and feels helpless, but this time it was that little bit too much to bear for me. I felt shaky like jelly and couldn’t stop tears from falling so she was quite amazed what’s going on, and it took her a while to get it out of me because I was a real real mess. I took all my anxiety meds, I mean two pills of my basic one and one of the extra med, but I was still shaky, my head was hurting like a bitch, and I felt like a true drama queen because it was actually Mum’s nameday so the guests were about to come. Poor Zofijka was looking around puzzled askign everyone what happened and not getting any consistent answer. Finally I managed to take a long bath and then Mum sent me back to bed although I was really anxious as for that since I didn’t want to get trapped by my beautiful brain again.

I was so tired that I did fall asleep almost immediately but slept very soundly. Things have changed a little bit after I woke up, I mean outside, not so much inside, I was still in pieces and very hypervigilant and all. But felt good enough to get down to the guests for a while and keep a socially decent and logical conversation.

I got back to my room and then I realised the cold, hard truth… the Internet was off! That meant a really hard day for me. After those dreams I am always very sensitive as for silence and can’t stand it, same as some particular sounds. Most of my music was online. Most of things I could do at that moment to distract myself the best were online, particularly now as the guests were in. Smalltalk isn’t particularly stimulating nor distracting for me and I would rather feel bored, and I couldn’t ask my parents for any help as they were with them, and Zofijka was playing with other kids who came in. Misha always escapes when too many people are around, and usually to my room, but when they came I was asleep and my room was closed so he went somewhere else and I didn’t know where he was. So there weren’t many things I could do, I was mostly reading, and listening to music I had, helped Mum in the kitchen afterwards, but was still incredibly tense and overloaded. It was just so horrifying, I haven’t feel such extreme things for a long while before then.

The Internet hasn’t come back even at night, so again I was left to only my own resources, and night was twice as hard, even though sometime later on Misha had mercy on me and came to me. It was nightmare and I had a feeling I’m just going crazy and things won’t be as they were before anymore, that I’ll just always live with such high level of anxiety. Needless to say I didn’t even try to fall asleep, quite the opposite.

The next day it was slightly better though. And you know what turned out then? My brilliant Mum, when she slept in my room, she messed up with the router somehow while she was switching things off. And it only needed to be rebooted. It was funny but also frustrating because I really needed some distraction that day and Mum told me there is probably some more general damage like at our Internet provider or something, so I just accepted it and didn’t even try to fix it myself. ๐Ÿ˜€

I was still very anxious, but since I had many more productive things to do then, and some time has passed, it was much more manageable.

And so it is now. I still haven’t recovered fuly from that nasty episode, I feel. But I am a bit more stable and don’t freak out without Misha.

I wonder what was actually going on with those dreams. Was it just an accident it was so long and so rough, just a random thing, or is something changing and it is going to get worse? If so, I think I’ll really need to try hitting it with antidepressants, I once saw a neurologist for that and she said it sometimes works for people, but then I decided I will try to handle it with some better sleep hygiene and stuff. But if you have messed up sleep cycle by nature, regular sleeping and waking up and maintaining sleep hygiene isn’t always that easy, so I guess the time for antidepressants will finaly come sooner or later, even though I haven’t heard about people for whom it would be helpful. But it shouldn’t be harmful, so I guess I’ll try if it’s going to stay this way.

If we were having coffee I’d tel you today is my friend’s 1st death anniversary. Man I still can’t believe he’s dead. I never told you about that, I feel weird talking about his death still, not like I can’t accept it but like it’s just so weird to talk about him that he’s dead. I am talking about Jacek, that Jacek who was writing the novel about vikings. He was such a lively, energetic person, always full of ideas and so bubbly. But he got osteosarcoma and then there were some nasty metastases, it just progressed very quickly. I couldn’t get it for weeks that he was dead, and still my brain doesn’t fully get it I guess. I will maybe do some longer post in memory of him, because he was such a remarkable man, I need to think about this. He was only 25 when he died. And he told me he’s going to Valhalla. ๐Ÿ™‚

And quite in the same topic, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday my friend wrote to me, with whom I haven’t have any contact since before Jacek has passed away. She is our mutual friend Jacek’s and mine. She is Swedish – Jacek had lots of friends in Sweden and Finland and I’ve met some interesting people via him – and this particular girl I met when we were all three collaborating on Jacek’s online radiostation, I was volunteeering as a sound engineer there and has learned a lot during that short episode, about broadcasting, vikings, not to mention sound engineering, and many other things. And that girl, Annika, she was one of the presenters and that’s how we met online. She is a Slavic languages freak and has been learning Polish and other Slavic languages since early childhood just as it’s been with my Swedish. ANyway. We were never very close because we just knew each other through Jacek, but I’ve always liked her, she’s really sweet and down to earth. We haven’t talked almost at all since Jacek’s death though, there just weren’t any occasion. And I was greatly surprised seeing a message from her. She wrote to me to say she’ll be getting married soon. With a Pole, haha. And I am very happy she shared it with me and that I could catch up on her, and that she seems to be in a happy and already quite long lasting relationship. And because it was so close to Jacek’s death anniversary we also talked about this in length. And seems like we both feel the same way about this, that we don’t quite believe it yet. I was really glad to be able to write with her for a while. And it’s so cool she’ll be living in Poland for good now.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach today. My parents, Zofijka, me, and uncle and aunt, from Dad’s side. But, turns out, we’re incredibly lucky. We’ve been having an incredibly hot week, but due to various things happening we couldn’t go to the beach earlier, so we just waited for Sunday to come. and, as soon as we came to the beach, the rain started falling. We were all wet and me and Zofijka were feeling very cold and now we both have sore throat, I hope we won’t be sick. ๐Ÿ˜€ Moreover, when we came home, got rid of all the mud we’ve brought in, showered and stuff, the clouds disappeared and it’s hot again, only more humid. Isn’t that a pure luck? ๐Ÿ˜€ Mum has some sort of ear infection, I actually was telling her not to go to the beach with it as it could only get worse, and it looks like it did get worse, she’s barely hearing on that ear. She tried using geranium for it and other home remedies, but looks like our lifestyle guru will have to see a laryngologist, probably tomorrow.

And if we were having coffee I’d tell you that Mum went to a coeliac disease specialist last Wednesday, but it looks like her referral didn’t get through to them. So now she’ll go to another one that can see her much quicker, on Tuesday, and without a referral. So she’ll have a real health week. But I hope the news she’ll get will be good.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Let’s have some coffee guys, or whatever you like to drink. I’m curious what has happened to you this past week and how your weekend is going, and I haven’t made a Weekend Coffee Share for a while here so there are some things I need to update you on.

Aside from coffee we also have a rabbit that my Dad has made in an apparently Kashubian way, which tastes really cool. As I told you before Mum has also made a mole cake, and we still have a lot of blueberries as we bought a lot of them. And there are some muffins with raspberries as well. So make yourself comfortable and grab whatever you’d like to drink and eat.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you Zofijka has been on a trip with some of our Mum’s family, they were in the mountains, in Lower silesia. They are coming back today, and I think she’ll be home pretty soon. It’s good, but it was also really good without Zofijka, so calm and quiet, and we bonded some more with Misha, it really feels like he opened for me more, and is more trustful. Mum has less to do as well, and less to worry about. Misha is currently sleeping in my room in his little bed, he’s sleeping just like a baby. My uncle has come to Dad to help him do some technical stuff o the backyard, and he came in the house for a while, and scared Misha to death. He is so loud, jovialย  and very extroverted, like when he’s talking “normally”, he’s just shouting, which annoys me greatly as well, but some people just seem to be so haha, anyway Misha was the first being he stumbled upon in the house and started screaming – Kitty!!! Kitty! What a lovely kitty you are!!! Come here! – but Misha ran away and escaped to my room. A very wise decision, screamers are never ever allowed in here. This little incident seemed to exhaust him completely, ’cause he just literally crawled up to his bed and fell down on it. He’s just my boy hahaha, poor child. He looks so cute in his sleep.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you once again that my crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys has released his new album on Thursday and I am so damn excited and having a major crush peak. It feels so good having a crush peak. Life would be so much more boring without having crushes haha. I think I’d dwell on it for much longer if we were really having coffee. ๐Ÿ˜€

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I already wrote to two Polish magazines with the offer that I could write articles about names for them. One is a parenting magazine, and I know they’ve tried doing something with names in the past, but the effects, in my own opinion, were rather miserable. And the other is astrological/paranormal, you name it, generally a magazine for women. I actually didn’t plan to write to them, but my Mum told me I could, and write about the influence of names on personalities. I’m anxiously, or rather impatiently, I’m not that very anxious about it at least now, awaiting any response from them. I have no idea technically about writing articles for magazines and I don’t know anything about all the procedures they might have, but I hope it’ll work out. I have many ideas on name related articles so maybe something will interest them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we will be having two parties next week. One is my aunt’s 40th birthday, and one is my Mum’s nameday. My Mum is planning to make a bonfire, and I don’t know anything about my aunt’s plans, but knowing her, I would be greatly surprised if she wouldn’t do anything spectacular. I’m quite anxious about it if I’m honest, though I don’t know yet whether I’ll actually go to my aunt’s. Another thing I’m pretty anxious about is the fact that my Mum will be having all the tests for coeliac disease done next week. I’m anxious about her results. Like I know something’s wrong with her health for sure, and most likely it’s some absorbtion disorder, but, quite unlike me, I still hope it’s not coeliac disease, despite quite obvious evidence. Maybe it’s just gluten intolerance? But, does it really make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things? She hasn’t felt the best lately, so on the other hand I am actually looking forward to these tests.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s freakin’ hot today. and awfully humid. We’ve had a lot of rains lately, and while most of Europe was roasting in the recent few weeks, we’ve been in quite good situation, having warm, but usually not too hot weather. But since a few days it’s awfully hot. It makes me feel sluggish and my brain, I mean head obviously, hurts like I’m going to get a migraine, but I hope that won’t happen, I’ve just had a migraine last week, I usually don’t have them so often.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ll be having feet massage next week. Just for relaxation. And my Mum too. Not at our massage therapist’s, in a different place, but anyway I am pretty curious and looking forward to it. It’ll apparently be Thai massage.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s likely we’ll go to the sea tomorrow. Well unless I won’t get a migraine. ๐Ÿ˜€ Then I won’t go for sure.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we have a lot of fruit and vegetables now in our garden. While Dad is caring for the vegetables, as it seems to be his new passion, and they don’t require much preserving or anything, Mum is constantly making juices, preserves, jams, jellies etc. We have particularly a lot of currants. I’ve been helping Mum a lot in the garden as there is really a lot to pick, and my Mum isn’t particularly into gardening and stuff, but as she says it’s always beter to have your own fruit, plus she’s having spine issues. I help her with processing it all too if I can, yesterday we spent a whole afternoon picking currants and making juice. Usually Zofijka is the one who helps her because Zofijka likes gardening, but since now Zofijka isn’t home, I help her. We’ve been having lots of interesting and funny conversations meanwhile.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share – Eclectic Alli

 

Anyone up for a cuppa? ๐Ÿ™‚ Me, definitely so! Although I’ve had one before.

But I didn’t get any sleep last night, so for me it’s normal that I can’t live without coffee then.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask each one of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d like to thank those of you who supported me on Thursday when I was in so much anxiety. If you’d like to catch up on what happened to get what I’m writing about and what’s beenย  such a big deal for me, read this post.

And even if we weren’t having coffee, I’d like to thank all of you for your support, it means so so much to me. This past week wasn’t the worst, but it was a bit scary sometimes, for some reason my anxiety was really through the roof sometimes. And today it isn’t the best either, but it’s much better now and I manage. Plus who isn’t anxious when having a Zombie day? Even normal people are, I guess, even just a bit. As for my emetophobia, it stayed with me for quite a while after that incident, I’m so happy nothing major happened to Zofijka’s friend, but I couldn’t eat anything at all until the next DAY when I woke up, and I had some emetophobic dreams, very yucky, my brain can be really inventive sometimes when it comes to creating dreams, full respect to it for that, even I don’t think I could ever be as inventive as my brain is with some of my dreams.

And, as for that appointment with massage therapist, ugh, I was very very very scared. I just had so much crappy experience with all sorts of orthopaedists, physiotherapists, surgeons, massage therapists, naah… I’m not gonna talk about it now, I told you a bit in that earlier post and that’s already quite a lot I think. And I was just sure it’s gonna be just the same. But the more rational part of me wanted to go to see if he can help me maybe do better at horse riding, or the Tibetan exercises. I was shaky, but I went there although I wuld most gladly not do it. And it turned out that I indeed did a good thig going there. This guy, and how he approached me, was completely different than I expected. I thought he’d be just like everyone of similar profession before, very condescending, talking to my Mum instead of me, and looking at me as a museum exhibit and scaring the shit out of me way more than necessary, if it’s necessary at all.

At first I waited while he massaged my Mum. I brought my book with me, but it turned out useless, because I really engaged in the conversation they both had. I mostly listened, but it was very interesting. Mum’s massage therapist is from Ukraine, and apart from being a massage therapist he’s also a physician, iridologist and such, I’d say a bit like a quake, but with a medical education. And they talked about many interesting things. Mostly my Mum – who is very interested in lifestyle asked him about what he thinks about different things that she does or uses to improve her health, and he also was describing to us how e’s working with people as a hypnotherapist, which was fascinating to listen to, even though I’m not that much convinced that hypnotherapy could work, but still, I like to hear different people’s opinions on such things. He seemed very laid back and communicative overall, and I knew why Mum told I’ll like him, we both generally like versatile people.

Then it was time for me. I was very very very scared. He wanted to look at me at first so he could see if and how my muscles are indeed contracted. I felt very exposed, I’m not really comfortable with people studying me like that, but luckily it didn’t last long, and I don’t think my anxiety was very visible. He told me that yes, I do have some muscles very tense but it’s probably just stress-related. So my Mum felt relieved because she thought it’s something serious. Then he looked at my feet and he said there can’t be much done now, but it’s not that bad as it could be and he doesn’t understand all the drama the other doctors have made about it if it’s not painful for me in normal life circumstances. Like sure it is a defect but way too small to make so much fuss about it. Oh, that was just how I’ve been always feeling about it, but of course have never told anyone abut it, because, apparently, health professionals should know their business and what they do and why, so who I or my Mum was to argue. So then he told me that it would be good if I had massages from time to time just to relax my muscles and my body and my brain So I agreed and then he massaged me for like an hour.

I wasn’t triggered anymore, so I started to feel like the anxiety is letting out of me slowly, and the massage really helped me to relax, in fact at one point when no one of us talked I almost fell asleep, even though it was rather dynamic. We talked about people’s brains, and our cat who is Misha and his brother who is Misha too and how similar they are. He gave me many advices. He told me that I am “way too skinny”, which, well, actually doesn’t bother me and I don’t know what to do about it to change it, I don’t stick to any restrictive diet, well any diet at all, other than eat whatever you want, well except for my emetophobic quirks, I don’t move more than I want to or have to, and that’s one of the reasons why I actually don’t believe I could have hypothyroidism, just only hypopituitarism. After some long discussion he agreed with me that I could be misdiagnosed or “overdiagnosed” in childhood, and that let us all to discussing our health services and health services across the Europe, actually, and then we even talked about politics. I hate smalltalking with people I don’t know, so it started to feel much more at ease that we talked about something speciffic. ๐Ÿ˜€ He gave me a lot of advices as for what I should eat to gain some more weight in a healthy way, well, we’ll try how it works. And he told me how I can naturally deal with low blood pressure, and my Mum too. Then my Mum talked to him about her most favurite topic which is honestly becoming very boring to me lately because she’s constantly nagging at me about it – namely vitamin D. And by the way he told me something I was really glad to hear, that I don’t have to sit directly on the sun and roast like my Mum to get vitamin D. Actually I shouldn’t, my Mum has a very dark complexion in comparison to me, so for her it’s OK, but I should apparently rather sit in more shady places and that apparently when the sun light is reflecting for example through the trees it still can give you vitamin D. So I can still stay my Gothic self while getting enough vitamin D. ๐Ÿ˜€ I really don’t feel like myself with the sunburn. ๐Ÿ˜€ So it was a huge relief. And OMG I made a shocking discovery I love when people massage my feet. Later on I told Mum about it that it felt so cool, and she told me that when I was a baby she was massaging my feet because she heard that when you press on some places on your feet you can stimulate optic nerve via acupressure or something like that, and, ya know, she was desperate for me to see, obviously, so maybe that’s why I like it so much if she did it so often. And she laughed that when I’ll finally start to look for a husband, I should not only look for a Jack with both Viking and Celtic blood, but also for a Jack, who would be eager to massage my feet. ๐Ÿ˜€ Lol that’s undoubtedly something to consider, if I’ll be ever looking for my Jack seriously. ๐Ÿ˜€ I have been to other massage therapists before and of course since I have issues with feet I’ve had feet massages, but they were mainly to stretch my legs muscles, and it hurt like hell, so that afterwards I felt like a jelly and could barely walk normally.

Anyway, afterwards, I felt like most of the anxiety I had was gone. I was so glad it wasn’t so triggering as I thought it’d be assuming from my previous experiences, I would never expect that. He told me that if I’ll feel a lot of tension I can come back and after like four sessions I should definitely see some difference. Honestly I’m a bit skeptical, because I’ve been so tense and hypervigilant all my life that I don’t really know how it is to feel otherwise, but that sounds very cool.

On the way back we got chips – a certainly very healthy food that will help me gain weight healthily, but, oh, wel, we just wanted to have chips, who cares.

I actually thought I’d sleep just fine after so much relaxation but also stimulation for my muscles, I was exhausted as we got home, but for some reason I couldn’t. My Mum couldn’t as well though (a very rare thing for her, she’s normally a heavy sleeper).

As I wrote you in last post, we have some issues with Dad recently, but I won’t go int it now since I’ve already wrote about it. That’s just soo annoying.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we’ll probably have a bonfire tonight. I don’t know though whether I’ll be there with them, depends how I’ll be functioning in the evening without sleep and how late it will be, there will be some Dad’s family, so I wouldn’t like to fall asleep and fall off the bench in front of them, they’re always so judgmental I can imagine them anxiously making suspicions that I have to be addicted to something and trying to guess what could it be. ๐Ÿ˜€ No of course I’m trying to kid rather poorly, but I don’t think I’ll be in the mood to talk to people and laugh at their poor jokes when the only thing I’ll be thinking about will be sleep.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that holidays have finally started for everyone f us, not just for me. Zofijka and Olek got their diplomas and Olek has officially graduated and is a car mechanic. I really hope he’ll find a good job and will be able to do something interesting for him in life.

Oh, and if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday I made another interesting discovery – I can understand MORE Welsh. Like, I started level 3 of my course, and, without some more sophisticated words, and with some deduction and more focusing, I can pretty much understand the news on BBC Radio Cymru. YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! That was so rewarding. I didn’t feel any major progress in months until now, and it started to feel a little, little bit frustrating. Not like I’m not prepared or familiar with frustration related to learning a language so even if I wouldn’t see any progress in the next few months I wouldn’t give up, but it felt good that finally I was able to see something is really going forward. Though, have I told you I’m planning to get some additional Swedish lessons online? When I’m reading something more intellectual, I feel like my linguistic skills are often not enough, I have to check up so many things yet. I would like to polish it a bit more, to make it more natural, get more vocabulary in, and there still are some little grammar things that always confuse me. Oh but I guess I was writing abut it before.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that my parents’ friend’s mum has died. They went to her funeral today. I am at home with Zofijka and Misha. Zofijka’s fascination with skunks is flourishing! She’s starting to notice though how niche her interest is. Recently she was looking for a skunk emoji, and couldn’t find any. That’s the life of a freak. ๐Ÿ˜€ Well I don’t think she’s one, she’s a fairly typical girl her age besides those skunks, but at least now she has a choice and can choose herself, what she wants to be. Although there was a period in my life when I was quite a typical girl too (what? you don’t believe me?! :O ), I really was, and when I finally saw how it is to be different, I chose to be different.

OK, so that’s it from me today, I think.

What would YOU tell me if we were having coffee? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s

So it’s another weekend and let’s have some coffee guys, although I’d rather suggest ice coffee, it’s incredibly hot here, 30 degrees C. or something like this. ๐Ÿ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I am really looking forward to some cooler temps. I’m not the best at tolerating the heat so not feeling the best physically this week. I’ve suspended the Tibetan exercises until it will cool down and did them only on Monday. My room is the hottest in the whole house, it always warms up in the afternoon, luckily I have an air conditioner now and it’s on from like 3 PM until the morning. I am glad the weather is nice but a bit exhausted with the temps above 30 C in the end of May and the beginning of June. What pisses me off is that always when it’s so hot my blood pressure seems to go even more down than it’s normally and so my energy is almost non existent. Misha’s sleeping most of the time and my Mum who also has constantly low blood pressure and low tolerance to the heat feels crappy too. We’d be really glad to have a little storm and some rain.

If we were having coffee I would tell you I had an awful migraine on Wednesday. I think it was because of the heat. I spent almost the whole day in Mum’s room which seems to be the coldest one and either sleeping or just existing. I actually didn’t think it would be a full migraine, I just felt some little headache in the morning, but it got much stronger very quickly. What I hate about migraines other than just having it and being in pain and stuff is that usually when I get it I also have some scary dreams. And this time wasn’t an exception, although luckily I didn’t slip into the sleep paralysis and those very very dark dreams, they were just exhausting and weird and definitely not good. I felt better in the afternoon though and was completely free of pain in the evening. I decided to do some creative stuff, despite my brain melting successively and worked on one of Vreeswijk’s poems, which I started translating to Polish months ago. It is so frustrating, so far I have only a few of them done, I started a couple of them already but can’t finish any. I haven’t finished ANYTHING this year, guess I was too low most of the time even when I had some more time for it hypothetically. It drives me crazy that it seems that when I translate his poems, I can get through some part smoothly and then I always get stuck somewhere. But with this one – “Balladen Om Bonden Och Djรคvulen” (The Ballad About The Peasant And The Devil) I’m very near the end now. Despite I find it rather hard – masculine rhymes, which are so common in Swedish, but not as much in Polish, but since this poem is also his song I thought I should leave the original structure of verses, and his very unique style which was kinda hard for me to transfer into Polish in case of this poem, but at least no word games this time. This is a funny, folkloristic ballad about the peasant who is visited by the devil and he complains to the devil that he has gotten old and unappealing, while his wife is young and beautiful and he’s jealous of young men’s youth and he asks the devil to help him keep his wife by his side, so that she’d love and desire only him and the devil helps him, supposedly. I really miss those times when I translated more of him, and was very productive with doing it. So I really really hope that I’ll be able to finish this one soon and the final effect won’t be too rubbish. Then I’d like start to work with his “Veronica”, although this one is a real masterpiece so I’m not sure how it’ll go and I think it would take me a lot of time. I’m a little anxious about it, because what if I foozle it completely… but at the same time I really want to try because I know no one else would do it in Polish, and I’m curious whether I can manage it. Or if not “Veronica” I might go with a short but powerful poem called “Hemstรคllan” which is about death and really speaks to me, but looks lke there is a word in it that is hardly translatable into Polish. I think I could go much further with translating his works if I wouldn’t be so intimidated that I may fuck it up or that translating his poems to Polish is pointless and that my dream just can’t come true. But I still am, maybe because I can’t judge my translations objectively. I tried to show them to my Swedish teacher back when he was teachingย  me but I feel like he can’t be objective too, well I was his best student and he wasn’t really used to having students translating Swedish poetry, so any time I showed something to him he was shocked and wondered how I do it which I can’t explain because it’s usually very spontaneously. And I feel like he never saw any flaws to my translations, other than some very glaring ones, which was always a bit confusing for me. There was my friend Jacek – the one with whom we made up the novel about Ragnarok and the viking gods – and he spoke Swedish, but sadly I can no longer ask him for any advices… Although back then he was very constructive whenever I showed him something I’ve translated. But I actually don’t know whether it’s really the problem that no one can be objective or just my AVPD goes in the way and makes me think that there’s no way at all I can do it right, which, I suppose, might also be possible. So anyway guys, please wish me luck with that ballad, it’s really short, but I’ve been dilly-dallying with it for so long that now when I finally got a bit forward I’d love to get through it and do it well.

On Thursday morning I had a blood test planned to check how my thyroid hormones are doing and had to get up at 6:30 to have it done, but because I slept so much during the day because of the migraine, I had a sleepless night, then I finally fell asleep at 5 AM so Mum decided I shouldn’t go anywhere and be a Zombie and she rescheduled it. after the blood test we planned to go to the church because it was Corpus Christi holiday and we wanted to do it possibly early because of the heat, but finally they went without me and I just listened to the Mass in the radio later on. Then they went out again to take part in the procession, but me and Mum stayed home because it was really hot and we didn’t want to risk fainting in public, that would be scary. ๐Ÿ˜€ In the evening some of Dad’s family came and we were barbecuing, although I wasn’t with them for a long time because it was just so boring so I helped Mum out in the kitchen a bit.

Yesterday I had an awful morning. I woke up around 9, but didn’t feel like getting up, didn’t have anything necessary to do and not much energy and there was no one else at home except my Mum and Misha who were also napping, so I stayed in bed and I did one challenge of my Welsh course, well I didn’t finish it because suddenly I felt somehow very tired and exhausted, definitely not as if I just woke up. Soon I fell asleep again, or rather in a sort of lethargy, with some very weird and enigmatic dreams. But I know that even in those dreams I felt incredibly weak and tired and wondered why. Then I woke up around noon and was really concerned. I just felt so… faint, wiped out, weak, dunno… like I just ran a marathon, haven’t eaten for weeks and was very sick, all together. Even turning in bed was a bit of a challenge. I was dizzy, shaky, sweating and unable to do anything. my pulse was racing And my mind felt lethargic and a bit foggy. After some time, don’t know how much really, Mum came in to my room and told me it’s noon and that we slept really long and that maybe I”d get up already. Hmmmmmm, good sugestion, but… easier said than done. I just couldn’t imagine how I could make such a heroic effort as getting up. But maybe if I got up, ate something, drank a coffee, things would get better? I motivated myself, prepared for the effort for like 15 minutes, then finally managed to sit on the bed. I thought maybe it would be wise if I drank something first, well it’s hot, and we had a lot of salty and spicy stuff in the evening at the barbecue, and I hadn’t drank much then, maybe I’m a bit dehydrated, well I doubted that I can be so very dehydrated to feel this way, apart from the evening I was drinking something almost all the time, but who knows… That thought made my fucking emetophobia kick in. But I wasn’t even strong enough to feel very anxious. I made another considerable effort to reach the glass of water I had on my bedside table. My hands were shaky as if I was a drunkard in intense delirium or something, the part of my mind that was working more efficiently was very concerned that I may soon pour everything over my bed and my precious PlexTalk. It all was taking me ridiculous amounts of time and deep down I felt kinda scared. I even thought about calling my Mum to help me out somehow, but thought that when I’ll call her, she’ll freak out and I’ll freak out too, ’cause it will feel like it’s too bad to manage it on my own so something really concerning is going on, plus I thought I have too little energy to waste it on screaming. As I was drinking the water very slowly, stopping every now and then, I just remembered my Finnish pen pal named Sohvi. Sohvi’s biggest passion is painting, she’s sent me some of her paintings’ photos and my Mum saw them and described them to me and said they seem really good. She could be a professional painter, but can’t, because she has M.E and POTS and I remembered how she wrote me that on her significantly bad days she’s actually unable to do anything and just lies in bed because even sitting can make her dizzy and is too exhausting. So the only times when she can paint or do anything else around the house are when she has her better days. It always seemed so sad for me that she can’t fulfill herself being such a wise and sensitive person as she is. I am quite an empathetic person and my imagination is very fertile so I could imagine how she has to feel on her bad days, but now it felt like a horrifically similar experience, for me personally, not like I know exactly how it is to struggle with these conditions. My imagination started to work. So what? Am I going to end up as Sohvi so suddenly? And what then? I will never translate Vreeswijk’s poems for Polish people, I will never write that novel about the viking gods, my blog will be just hanging in the blogosphere, waiting for the day when I’ll be able to write anything, and my languages… Well that seemed rather saddening. Actually I had similar things happening to me before a few times that I woke up so faint and exhausted but never as intense. It was usually due to too low blood pressure or when I was sick or at some point at the boarding school when my brain was completely screwed up from all the anxiety, stress etc. and I ate very little because of my emetophobia and because I cared very little about and for myself in general. When I drank the water I still had enough ambition to get up, but my body was stronger than me and I just fell on the bed again. Finally I found the strength to get up, didn’t evenย  get dressed, although was incredibly dizzy, but managed to get downstairs by some miracle, and then find Mum in the cellar. I told Mum I think something’s wrong with me like I have low blood pressure or sugar or maybe something is going on with me because of the heat, and that I am completely wiped out and actually feel like I’m gonna faint anytime. Mum helped me, or rather dragged me to the kitchen and made me breakfast and then I felt more manageable. I showered, had a black coffee, then two big glasses of Mum’s orange juice and felt almost OK and definitely functional. Although when Mum measured my blood pressure it was still very low and for the whole day I felt dizzy and faint while standing and if I stood for longer it felt really unpleasant. My Mum also wasn’t feeling the best though. I think it’s all because of this heat. Anyway, I’m glad I’m OK now, but it was a bit scary, to just wake up and not be able to do anything, some part of me was really so anxious that almost sure that from now on I’m gonna share Sohvi’s fate although it was ridiculous to think so cos I guess such things don’t happen during one night.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you today Zofijka went to the Jump City with her cousin. It’s because it was Children’s Day yesterday. Zofijka is a kind of kid who always seeks for more adrenaline and likes when a lot of stuff happens around her, and she seemed happy. What I am kind of disappointed about is that those skunk slippers I bought her for her birthday still haven’t come. I hoped maybe I’ll be able to give them to her on Friday, but seems like their road is very long. Tomorrow I’m gonna be home alone for most of the day, Dad is going to work somewhere further and Mum is going with him – he’s a tank driver for those of you who don’t remember and sometimes he takes someone of us with him – and Zofijka is going on the beach with our cousins, and Olek is working. Don’t really know what I will be doing though.

OK, so that would be all from me.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

If We WeRE Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Time for another Weekend Coffee Share

hosted by Eclectic Alli.

If we were having coffee, assuming it would take place in my house, you’d hear children screaming, running and playing. Zofijka is having her birthday party for her friends and cousins. TOmorrow she’ll make a more serious one, with dinner and all, for her God parents and grandparents. It’s a pity those skunk slippers I got for her haven’t arrived yet, but hope it’ll happen soon and that she’ll like them. Today I’ve heard her confiding to one of her friends how much she likes skunks, and they now call her Sophie Skunk. ๐Ÿ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we have Mother’s Day today, so, happy Mother’s Day to all of you mummies. ๐Ÿ™‚ Never mind that for most of you your actual Mother’s Day has already passed this year, let’s celebrate once again. So if you consider yourself a mum – be it a mum for your own children, heart mum for someone, adoptive mum, mum to be, pet mum or any other kind of mummy, feel free to have some extra coffee and an extra muffin. Yes, we have muffins today because of Mother’s Day. They’re shop bought but still. Very yummy. And we have lots of other stuff – a very yummy, homemade chicken soup with dumplings, jelly with grapes and strawberries, Zofijka’s yucky Soy Luna birthday cake, well I haven’t tried it, it’s for the kids, but all those shop bought overly decorative birthday cakes for kids are always yucky and from what this one apparently looks like, I wouldn’t expect it to be different. But we also have some nice sponge cake with strawberries and other stuff that my Mum has made and it’s brilliant. And a lot of fruit and other things. So well, help yourself, particularly all the mummies here.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I bought my Mum a new speaker which she can connect to her phone and play her own music in the kitchen. She always wanted to be able to listen to something else than just the radio, like her Spotify or something, so hope she’ll be happy, but it haven’t arrived yet either.

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m not doing the best moodwise today. Don’t really know what happened, I just woke up and felt like again I’m slipping into that awful hole from where I’ve barely got out recently. I know I had some yucky dreams tonight and maybe that’s what pushed me down, and then some thing happened later on today that made my slip ride even quicker. I’m not down there yet and managed to stop the slide somewhere at the beginning of the last lap though so that’s good at least now I’m wondering which way I’ll go from here, up or down into the hole again. Of course I hope for the first, the more that I’ve been feeling really good over the last week, but guess nothing lasts forever, meh that’shit you have to feel blah for most of the time, but that seems to be the main rule for my flippin’ brain. Anyways…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Misha’s with me all the time today. The kids are playing on the balcony and Misha can’t go there because then he jumps on the roof and Misha is generally crazy in the fresh air, poor child, and there would be no one to keep an eye on him there in all the comotion we have here today, so Mum told me to close him in my room and so I did. Thought he won’t be glad of it, but he just went to bed and still is sleeping very heavily. Guess he didn’t sleep the best at night, I don’t know where he was then, not with me anyway and not in any of the hideouts that I know of. He’s so so sweet when he’s sleeping.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday there have been new books added to our Polish digital library for the blind and there was one I literally couldn’t wait for, the new book by Maล‚gorzata Musierowicz. Maล‚gorzata Musierowicz is one of my most favourite writers, I absolutely love her series “Jeลผycjada”, and my Mum told me a few months ago that she’d seen her new book in the bookshop. I knew it will be in our library because all the books by Musierowicz are and they are scanned and added pretty quickly, but it seemed so long for me and I just couldn’t wait. My Mum suggested that maybe we could read it together which I’d be very happy about, but finally it didn’t happen. Plus my Mum isn’t a good reader, whenever she starts reading a book, her eyes become heavy and she feels sleepy, so reads a single book for quite a long time so I felt that the book will be available for me maybe even before we’d get to half of it. And yesterday it came! And I’m reading it right now. Maybe Musierowicz is the one whom I should be thankful too that I haven’t yet slipped down into my gloomy hole. Her books are always so full of warmth, happiness and yes, positivity, but not the kind of positivity you usually think of while hearing this word, a foolish optimism, kinda artificial one and for all means, just to not be negative. It’s very natural so that when you read her books you just have to smile or even laugh at times. And you get a lot of stuff to ponder on, during and after the reading so your brain has something more productive to do than overthinking, overanalysing, rethinking, freaking out, overloading itself etc. And you get hungry immediately, they eat so so so many yummy things. They are so many that she’s even written a whole book with recipes of the dishes her characters eat. I only wish her books were longer. They read so quickly. You want to read more and more and more and suddenly it’s over. There aren’t many other writers that I love as much as Musierowicz. and I know her in person and I’ve even been to her and I was in her house and it was sooo cool.

So how are you doing guys? What happened to you this week? ๐Ÿ™‚ What would you tell me if we were having coffee? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Anyone up for coffee? Eclectic Ali, who hosts Weekend Coffee Share over at

https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/05/18/weekendcoffeeshare-tea-and-scones/ has scones for her visitors this week. I don’t, but I have an apple pie. ๐Ÿ˜€ So be so nice and have at least some apple pie with me, if the hour is too late for coffee for you and you’re afraid you won’t sleep, I can get some tea if you prefer. Or kefir. Or whatever.

If we were having coffee, I’d traditionally ask each one of you how you’re doing.

If we were having coffee I’d ramble for quite a while about how relieved and happy I am because of my finals being over. It was so exhausting, it’s so good to be free from this shit…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m having a very nice weekend, feeling really upbeat as for my standards. Wonder how long this graduating euphoria will fuel me. ๐Ÿ˜€ I guess until I fully realise I have nothing to do with myself. I plan on having a yearly break from any further education in the formal sense of this word, but still would like to make something possibly constructive out of it. Yesterday at night I had some shitty dreams, like most of them were some semi-fictional reminiscences of the last few weeks filled with exams, but despite it when I woke up yesterday I felt very rested, which was good because I hadn’t slept really well for quite a while, planned on sleeping off on Friday night but Zofijka desperately wanted to sleep with me and I can never sleep well with someone, so it had to wait. As I woke up I felt just like most people probably feel when they realise it’s the first day of their vacation/holidays, with the difference it was my second. Zofijka was very bored and was getting on my nerves a lot yesterday, she is always extremely annoying and absorbing when bored, but she got some things to do in the afternoon. My grandparents came over for lunch. My grandparents sell eggs and on Saturdays they always go to their customers in our area so at the end they always come to us and Mum has always lunch for them. They congratulated me for my oral exams results and were so over the moon with them. I wonder what my gramma will be like if it turns out that I didn’t pass the math one and that I’m not gonna redo it, she was so excited, but I think it could be a bit of a problem for her to accept it. Not like I’m gonna worry about it a lot, but just wouldn’t like her to be worried too much and wouldn’t like her to make a drama about it because she wasn’t prepared for it. So I told them those are still only orals results and it will take a while until we’ll know everything. I know my grandad won’t have any issues with it thoug. We chatted while having lunch. Zofijka was supposed to have Maths, but it was delayed so she went out to get some ice cream for us and to let her energy out. When grandparents left, our – or rather Zofijka’s now – maths tutor arrived. Gosh I still can’t believe my collaboration with her is truly over. I haven’t talked to her this week yet, I know she will be asking about how I feel about my math exam and how I think it went, and I just don’t know what to say, because it was just a pure improvisation. Another miracle will be needed if I want to get the minimum – 30% of it. We’ll just see what the future brings. My parents went to my uncle for a barbeque in th evening.

Today I am also having a very nice day. I didn’t sleep as well as yesterday because I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, but I don’t feel sleepy or anything.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I decided on making some change in my lifestyle. A few months ago my Mum discovered a book –
“Ancient Secret Of The Fountain Of Youth” by Peter Kelder – and started to practice five Tibetan rites. If you’re not familiar with this term, I’ll just tell you it is a system of exercises that are said to help your overall wellbeing, and, what’s most important for most people doing them, they are claimed to have rejuvenating properties. I was actually shocked when my Mum told me she’s doing them. We are Christian, and yoga is said to be something spiritually dangerous according to the Christian religion, , the Church says you cannot separate the exercises from their spiritual context and you open your mind for the philosophy behind it, which is simply not being faithful cause well you can’t be Christian and buddhist at the same time. I was never particularly interested in yoga, it was something very distant from my interests, so I just accepted it as it is, even though I am not the one who blindly follows all the prohibitions of the Church, since some of them just aren’t well-founded enough and it’s hard to say what they are based on, I just always want to make my own opinion on things before I say it’s bad if it interests me, unless the evidence is clear. Yoga though was one of the things on which I agreed that can be dangerous. I’ve only known people who were either atheists, or very lost in their spiritual life, who were practicing yoga. I had always an impression they’re very calm, but something inside of them definitely isn’t. I’ve heard stories about people living in buddhist monasteries and practicing yoga and going very deep into it, and then being enslaved by the devil, having lots of spiritual hardships and various complex issues showing up in their lives, paradoxically losing their peace of mind and complacency which yoga is said to build up. ANd that sounded rather scary. Plus all these positions that represent and symbolise various aspects of buddhism and make you, consciously or not, practically glorify another God with your body. That didn’t sound appealing. I always thought about people doing yoga as either anointed yogis, or people that are kind of lost in their lives, are searching for some sort of help, peace of mind, and don’t quite know which way to go, maybe don’t have their own clear views on things, or the opposite, want to try out anything possible either for fun or for wellbeing and in search of happiness. And now my Mum is another yoga freak. That’s too awful.

I talked to her about how yoga is considered a bad thing by the Church and was wondering what’s wrong with her, her who always seemed to know, where’s the border between a real danger or something worthless and shitty and just bad, and something that is demonised and exaggerated. She always had this kind of instinct or maybe just sensibility, that was guiding her and showing her what is OK, and where some cautiousness would be needed. But my Mum said she doesn’t approach it as something yoga-based, she doesn’t care about the philosophy behind it, all that bullshit about chakras and good and bad energy, they are just good exercises, and she is sure that if someone has a healthy approach to it, doesn’t go to deep in their mind while doing it, they can only be good for you. She said that from the moment she first read about it she knew it’s something for her. She was searching for something really good and anti-aging, and she believes that what they refer to as chakras, energetic channels and stuff, is simply our hormonal system, and that’s what it works for, but not only. And first of all, you can’t call it rites, ’cause it sounds ridiculous and only appropriate if you also combine the exercises with some sort of meditation or stuff. I was rather scared and pissed off because of her extreme changeability, and not really convinced by her arguments.

What convinced me that there is really something in it was how my Mum started to change. What striked me first was how optimistic she became shortly after starting practicing these exercises. I mean, she was always optimistic, but since she started them, she’s become like more cheerful, serene, less worrisome, more living in the present, coping better with everyday issues that were more troublesome for her before, like in relationships, being more compassionate, more patient –
she was usually an easily annoyed person – appreciating small things more than before, started to seem drawn to nature more than before, more energetic, and her optimism seems somewhat infectious. It wasn’t a one big change happening during one day, it was going gradually, but since I know her very well and because she was talking to me a lot about her feelings about these exercises, I was able to notice a lot of change. She also told me she doesn’t have any cravings now, like for sweets, eats less and only when she’s hungry, and therefore she loves to eat as never before. Her biological clock has reset, and now she has slightly odd hours of functioning as for these days. She wakes up almost every day with the sunrise, so now it’s usually like 5:30, feels slightly sleepy and like having a nap about 3 PM, and then usually goes to sleep at 10 and falls asleep almost immediately and sleeps well. Apparently her climacteric symptoms are gone. My Mum is suspected to have coeliac disease and some doctors told her that this disease, or actually eating wrong food may make her tired. She had been dealing with a lot of fatigue and couldn’t get what’s causing it. It isn’t fully gone now, but she says it’s visibly better. In the past, I could notice multiple times that she had times when she was very forgetful, sometimes even a little brain fogged, easily distracted, I was very worried about it that it may be some early trailer to some bigger future memory issues. But now she haven’t had such issues for a while. She says she can think very clearly, and like her brain also got kinda general reset. She says it’s easier for her to pray, paradoxically, and that she is generally more focused on things. There are many more other benefits she has noticed over these past few months, I was talking to her just before writing this post to kind of summarise all that and she just bombed me with a ton of different observations. And she became actually addicted to these exercises. ๐Ÿ˜€ TO the point that even when we were riding back and forth for these exams, she was getting up half an hour earlier to exercise. Well I’ve heard some people say when you are addicted to anything, whether it’s generally good or bad, it takes away your freedom from you and you become enslaved. But if we will look this way at people and our freedom, then freedom is something boring, I think. Most of us are addicted either to reading, or to our loved music, or favourite activity, or other passions. and that gives our lives some meaning. If we’ll look at freedom this way, there’s no freedom in this earthly life for us. ‘Cause we all have our passions, habits, limitations, we all have to adjust to other people, rules, our social groups, other circumstances, we can’t be completely free in such understanding of freedom. SO that being said, what’s wrong with such good addiction? I’ve been observing my Mum for all these months she’s exercising, quite worried and anxious that maybe it may ruin her relationship with God, but in fact it looks like it’s the opposite. and she looks blooming now.

And during my exam session, not for finals but my last exams at school, I started to think that it could be something good for me. As I am not riding regularly now, I practically don’t have any regular physical activity. And I would definitely need some to keep my muscles fit. But what’s more important, Mum has been reading to me about various properties of the five rites and it looks like there are many benefits for our mental health. And if you believe in what they say, it’s not only about the endorphines releasing. I think I ned to focus more on my mental health. I was ignoring it for way too many years in the past. And there may be other things I can benefit from these exercises.

So I told Mum ‘m gonna do them with her and she was like oh wow I can’t believe it that’s so good! That was quite a surprising decision even for myself. But I feel like it’s the right one.

I started doing the five Tibetan rites on Friday. My Mum does them twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening before 6, but I do them only in the morning, at least now. When I have some more physical activity in the evening, I’ve noticed it’s often very hard for me to fall asleep at night, so I don’t want to risk at least for now, my sleep is messed up enough. I’m doing these exercises now more like an experiment now, but if I’ll see some changes, I’ll definitely stick to them. They seem very easy, but they aren’t. Right now, I do 5 repeatings of every exercise, the maximum is 21 times, and you have to increase it gradually, depending on just how you feel, if you feel like increasing, you do it, and then you stick with it until you can do more and more. My Mum is already on 21 repeatings. For me though, it will surely take much more time to get there. The exercises seem easy, almost ridiculous, but they’re hard to do. For me, the first rite is most difficult, because of my coordination issues. You have to at the same time raise your head so that your chin touches your chest, while having your back on the ground, raise your straightened legs at the same time, and coordinate your breathing with it, so that when you raise your head and legs, you breathe in with your nose, and when you relax, breathe out with your mouth. For me, all that all at once is extremely hard to do and raising up my head with back sticking to the ground isn’t easy either now. It’s even more hard because of my Achilles tendons being shortened. I told you I had surgery for it when I was 10, but it was shit and didn’t really help. Because of them being shortened, I can’t fully straighten my legs while having them both raised, and I can’t sit on the floor with my legs being fully straightened and backs of my knees touching the ground, I just feel like they are blocked or when I try to do it, it just damn hurts. SO right now I’m doing the exercises as I can, hoping I’ll be able to do them more accurately with time. Before you start doing the actual exercises, they say you should spin around for as many times as many repeatings of exercises you do. That’s also rather challenging for me now because I get dizzy very easily and my balance is shitty. I get vertigo often in various circumstances e.g. when I have very high anxiety, and that makes me even more anxious, because I feel not safe, plus it triggers my emetophobia, ’cause, you know, you get dizzy, then you can get nauseous of it, and… anything could happen, right? ๐Ÿ˜€ And that in turn makes my anxiety and vertigo even worse. SO yeah, I hate that spinning thing, but at least I’m doing it on the mat so I know that as long as I’m on it, everything’s right and I know where I am, plus my Mum is with me because I am very very very dizzy after those 5 spins. The five rites are all about good breathing, which I like. My breathing isn’t the best, especially when I’m stressed, and I hope to improve my breathing techniques as I progress. I also noticed, much to my surprise, that if I am breathing properly, I can regulate my vertigo. Though when you think about it it’s not very surprising. My dizziness is very often just anxiety induced, so the higher anxiety, the higher the vertigo can be, and also the higher is my anxiety, the worse and more shallow is my breathing. So when I was spinning for the first time on Friday and then finished and was so very dizzy I could barely stand on my own, Mum told me to breathe deeply and I was surprised to find out that if I breathe deeper, and properly it calms down faster than normal and I can have some control over it.

My muscles are pretty sore now, especially in my higher back and neck, and my abdominal muscles, but not so that it’s a big discomfort, I’m actually glad of it because it means I’m really doing something with them. No drastical changes in me as for now though. ๐Ÿ˜€ But watch out! I don’t want to transform into an optimist, I am really glad of being a defensive pessimist, and I don’t think I could ever become a real optimist, but I’m curious what will happen to me and how I will feel.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I was scared yesterday for a while. I was going through my emails as I do every day and I saw an email from my old friend. I talked about her a bit before. She was the one with whom I decided to cut all the contact. I was going to school with her, the school for the blind, and although I couldn’t call her my best friend, and I surely wasn’t one for her, we liked each other. We had kinda similar outlook on various topics, similar sense of humour and maybe in some way also our tastes were similar. She kept saying I know her brain and can read in it like in a book and in some way our way of thinking was also similar, although I didn’t feel like I really know her in a way you know someone who is your soulmate or something, she was just very extroverted and it was easy to figure her out, so to say. Plus she was easy to like, so I liked her, as many others. I left the school and she was the only one to continue any contact with me. I tried to maintain the relationship with another girl, whom I did consider my best friend for a while, but she didn’t seem to want it as much as I did then so I left her and this girl who emailed me (well let’s call her S) was the one from that school with whom I contacted regularly. I’ve never felt any stronger feelings of friendship or likemindedness with her, I just liked her, but as time passed I started to feel more and more uncomfortable with her. I thought it’s because she was still at that school, she reminded me about it and I couldn’t free from it as I wanted. But I still liked her, and it seemed awkward to just leave her because I want to be free from my memories, I wouldn’t be either way. Shortly after I realised she’s taking a lot of things for granted. Like she was often asking me to do things for her which were easier for me to do than for her, she wanted me to be very engaged in her life, in what is going on for her. When I did something for her, she showed her satisfaction and even appreciation at times very enthusiastically, but then she wanted more from me. More attention, more engagement, more time with her, talking on the phone, more various favours. If I could do something and didn’t mind, I was doing it. But when I was gently saying that, you know, I have some other things to do, and it doesn’t really fit me at the moment, she was like very hurt, in my honest opinion, not adequately to the situation, like I’d say I’ll never do it, or I’ll never do anything for her, was saying that I am exaggerating, it’s just a little thing, and it surely won’t take me a lot of time, but OK, if I have so many other things to do, she will wait. So I felt like I did something wrong, maybe I really hurt her, maybe it’s really so important for her. Also, when we were writing together, she usually started the conversation with talking about what’s going on for her, then asked me what I’ve been up to lately. I was responding to her message trying to refer somehow to what she wrote and telling her about what was going on for me. In her response though, she hardly ever tried to refer to what I wrote about myself, just was continuing the topic of her recent life events. While I really do like helping people, listening to them and sharing with them their joys and troubles, if I care about them, the way she bombarded me with only information about her, her love life, her favourite things, her school… was slightly, and increasingly, annoying and overwhelming for me. If there was something she wrote and I found it hard to refer to in any constructive way and wouldn’t respond, she was like what’s going on? Why don’t you write to me? Did something happen? Or sent me another message with other things and wrote something like: “PS: Look at the previous message, I guess you haven’t read it, I’m waiting for the answer”. When it was her birthday, she was asking questions like “Any wishes for me?” as if it was some form of joke, but I can’t remember when I got birthday wishes from her the last time. Not like I cared about it particularly and waited for them, but I guess the initiative shouldn’t be only from one side. Or when she had her blog at one of our blind communities, lots of her posts were finished with a conclusion: “Waiting for your comments guys” even though it wasn’t really anything to refer to in the post, or she was sending us messages asking us to read her post and comment on it and then asking several times if we read it. I’ve also had my blog on there, but it was very rarely when I got any comments from her. The way she asked us for comments seemed slightly weird for me, well if I had to attract people to my blog by writing to them and asking for comments, I would never start doing it, it feels rather disgracing. Surprisingly for me though, others in the community didn’t mind it, or seemed so. But it all was incredibly annoying for me. And I felt like “God, maybe I’m just so selfish?”. Well everyone needs some attention, everyone likes getting positive feedback from others and likes having friends. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? She was starting in a new school then, a mainstream school, and was writing she feels very lonely there, so I thught maybe it’s because of it. Why haven’t I seen it before when we were at school? She was definitely absorbing, but I haven’t noticed so much craving for attention, in fact she seemed even otherwise, but maybe I confused it with her sensitivity.

The crisis happened when she got a crush (on her teacher, ew, how can anyone have a crush on a teacher? but well that’s just my opinion, I would never have one) and it seemed like she has no one else to talk about it freely but me. I felt somewhat honoured, ’cause as I said, I like helping people, I know how it feels to be lonely with your feelings, and, above all, I am an expert in crushes, well maybe not in this kind of crushes, but in general. I’ve had so many of them, and my music ones are almost legendary ๐Ÿ˜€ so intensive they can be. I tried my best to be empathetic and as much involved as it would be healthily but it was rather annoying for me. Well I was having a crush at the same time too, why can’t it be a two way information exchange? She was asking me how I’m doing and sometimes about my crush even, but always ignoring my answers, so I finally got it that it’s just a courtesy and limited myself to very casual information. And one day she got an idea of a short story about her life and about her crush. Or actually an idea that she would like to see a short story about it. She asked a few people from our former school with whom she kept in touch, including me, to “write a fan fic about her”. Guys, tell me honestly, would you like someone to write a fanfic about your life? Would you feel good with it? No, it’s not a biased question, I’m just curious about what other people think about such an idea. The first thing that I thought was though – why can’t she write it on her own, wouldn’t it be more interesting? And then I thought that for me, it seems slightly unhealthy. If people write about other people’s lives, it’s usually because there’s really something fascinating about them, they were/are famous or something…

Nevertheless, I decided to at least try. I know she would be, or seem at least, so so very hurt and offended if I would just refuse, and I knew she is lonely with this whole crush and doesn’t have anyone else to talk about it, I didn’t know how to refuse in any way that wouldn’t hurt her if even just saying gently that I can’t right now is too hard. Plus I thought that maybe if I’ll do it for her, and that’s a lot to do and would cost me a lot of dedication and commitment, maybe that will change something in her very annoying attitude and she will be less selfish. And if the selfish one here is me, then the more I should try and compensate it for her this time. SO I told her that OK, I’ll try, but I don’t promise anything.

It was fucking exhausting and cost me a lot indeed. But I tried my best, despite being extremely pissed off and despite I know I could as well just leave it and tell her she’d better do it for herself. But she told me that all the other people whom she asked refused and now I’m her only hope. So I felt like I have to do it, if it will really help her… I was sending her every chapter so that she could find things that weren’t very realistic or needed some correction. And I finally did it . And she was over the moon: “Oh thanks I love you I love you so much you just know me so well”.

That didn’t last long, however. After some other issues with her that were very tough for me, I got a message from her saying something like this: “You know it’s my birthday soon? And I’ve got a mission for you. Could you write another fanfic about me? A continuation of that previous one?” and then there was a whole description what she would like it in general to look like and some potential inspirations for me. I got cross. I wrote to her, politely, but a bit icily and straight-forward, that sorry, but it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever do another one, I just have too many other things to do that are currently much more important and reminded her I’m having my finals this year. And she seemed very touched and hurt. But I wasn’t moved by it this time.

I thought about breaking all the contact with her a lot, but it seemed totally impossible. She had my phone number, we had lots of the same friends, were in the same networks… just not doable. And what I’d tell her. I’m breaking with you, because you’re selfish? Other people still like her, despite she is. Maybe something is wrong with me, and not with her? But as the time passed I felt more and more stressed and literally felt nauseous whenever I saw a message from her. I was making longer and longer breaks between logging in to any social media/communicators where she was too and where we were talking. And finally I made the decision… A boy whom I also know IRL from the integration school, and with whom S. is close nowadays because he is “Fascinating” wrote to me whether I would be able to meet with him and S. That boy and me live quite close to each other, and S. was going for holidays here. I freaked out. Just freaked out. That was the last thing I wanted. To see her. And trigger all the shitty memories. Talk about “old, good times”. Fuck it. I didn’t even respond to him. I went to my Mum and was very distressed and asked her for an advice. It seemed ridiculous for me to be stuck in relationships that are so uncomfortable for me and that don’t bring anything good into my life, but how to wriggle out? And of course Mum also told me it’s ridiculous. I thought about all my other friends that oth S. and I know. I’d have to leave them all. But, surprisingly, although I felt some pity about some of them, I didn’t feel like my life wuld be much worse or more empty without them. There was one girl whom I knew since my childhood, we really liked each other, we called ourselves best friends, but with years we got somewhat distant to each other, our interests weren’t the same any longer and we both changed so so much. I still liked it, I still do now, I always tried to be supportive for her, she is from a dysfunctional family, and she was always so kind to me, I grieved when I thought about leaving her and not knowing what’s going on with her, but there was no longer anything that would really make us real friends, and she had many more good friends who were supportive to her. If I had to cut all the contact with S. I’d have to cut all the contact with that girl too, because they knew each other and I know that girl wouldn’t understand me and why I need to keep myself away from S. S. knows we both are often in touch and she could ask her whether she knows what’s going on with me and where I am, and she’ll tell her, ’cause why not.

SO I decided to leave them all. I felt awful with it. Like I’m isolating. I’m cruel for S. to not tell her anything. But I knew that if I’d tell her, she would be hurt and offended again and make me feel qualm again. I just needed to do it once and for good, and possibly quickly, before I change my mind. I got rid of all the communicators where S. was. Didn’t delete my account to not make anyone suspect anything, but just got out silently. I changed my Twitter account and protected it and left the old one (luckily I have tons of email addresses for everything) and as I knew from the past she may start to call me like crazy, I even changed my phone number. I felt weird about it all really. Like I’m exaggerating, and hurting her. But I didn’t regret. I don’t regret until now. I have other friends with whom I feel really well and like we are for each other, not the way I was for S. I feel a part of this community and I am so happy I have this blog and I have you guys. And I don’t miss anyone there. I still don’t know and have doubts sometimes whether I did the right thing and think that maybe I am wrong, not her, maybe I can’t have proper relationships with people and wanted too much, or took it too directly, but I still feel good with what I did, I don’t want to go back there. Sometimes I just think about S. I actually feel sorry for her, I would like to know how she’s doing now and whether she has anyone to talk to about her crush and stuff, how she feels about me just disappearing so suddenly. Sometimes I feel like I could tell her something before I left, but I know I’d feel too guilty and she’ll stop me. SO no, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m glad I separated from them, even though I knew so many of them in real life, even though they are blind like me, even though now I hardly ever write in Polish with anyone. ๐Ÿ˜€ I don’t feel a part of them. I liked many of them in a way, but I’ve always felt different and kinda awkward with them.

And yesterday I got an email from her… the topic was just her style: “Read it to the end”. I froze. Shit from where she got my email? Did I give it to her? I can’t exclude it, but I can’t remember doing it. The only other way I see how she could get it is via that boy who lives near me – he is a programmer and the author of one of the blind communities where we were. I was registered to that community with this email, and he could give it to her. Well I hope it was this way, not something more sophisticated, I wouldn’t suspect her of doing something more to get it, but who knows.

I didn’t even open that message. I just sat and was shocked. I didn’t want to open it. Was too scared. I set a filter in my email client to always delete any future potential messages from her without bothering me with them. What you never know won’t hurt you, and if I’ll ignore them, she’ll just stop bothering sending anything in future. But after a few hours I decided to open it. I didn’t read the whole of it. Just looked at it very cursorily. She was asking in a way like she was deadly offended whether now when the finals are over I’ll come back and have more time for her. “Im waiting! I’m still waiting! Did something happen? Are you offended or something?”. I don’t know what else was there but at the end she wrote that one of the communities for the blind where we were together is soon to be closed, and if I want I can download an archive of my data from there before they close it. I haven’t been there for ages, and I don’t have anything to do there anymore, and also I knew before that it’s about to close, but I thought it was nice of her to notify me, even though I also knew it was just an excuse to write to me, well she has the right to wonder what’s going on with me, she has the right to ask. And I have the right to my freedom and to leave it as it is. I even was tempted to write to her just to thank her, to simply not be rude, but decided I prefer to be rude than get another message from her then and start it all over again. Sometimes you have to be radical. I am still horribly doubtful whether I do the right thing, maybe I should at least tell her why I left, but I just can’t right now. I wouldn’t even know what to tell her. So I didn’t do anything. But I’m glad it was only this, I was afraid it might be something more awful she wrote. It didn’t however made me freak out completely and I settled again quickly.

And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you one more thing. Tomorrow I’ll have a psychiatric assessment for AVPD and dysthymia. I’m damn anxious, but at the same time I’m really looking forward to it. I wanna know what’s up with my freaky brain. I wanna get some constructive opinion at last. I wanna get some help, although it’s weird because at the same time I’m absolutely scared of getting help and support from people, I just can’t figure out myself and I never will. What’s great is that I’m lucky. The psychiatrist who will assess me will be the same whom I saw those four years ago when I left the boarding school and who diagnosed me with reactive depression. I saw her only once, but I was getting along with her really well and she was very sensible. She works mainly with children. Not exclusively but mainly, and I’m glad she is still willing to assess me even though I’m not a child anymore and I won’t have to tell my story over and over again to someone I don’t know at all.

Congrats to those who got through all my brain vomit, I really appreciate your commitment if you did it, although I realise it’s highly unlikely someone will get through it all, I just needed to ramble and my diary doesn’t seem enough.

Anyway, I want to know what would you tell me if we were having coffee. ๐Ÿ™‚