How are you this week? Are you stressed or excited for the holidays?
I’m feeling mostly low this week, and having a lot of all kinds of anxieties. We’ve been talking a lot with my Mum lately about some important stuff and that has also given me a lot to think about but I hope I’ll be able to write about that some time later on. Also I still don’t have most of my music because of Spotify acting up which pisses me off enormously, and it looks just like I thought, it’s not that easy to fix. I asked the Spotify community about this but so far they weren’t able to help or I wasn’t able to do what I should do, don’t know really, also Olek tried to help me but had no idea whatsoever. I’ve been having more sleep issues than usual lately, and there were some other things that sort of unsettled me emotionally more or less as well. I’m still quite concerned and confused about my therapy and related stuff.
I didn’t even go to therapy this week, I had aunt Ruby visiting and wasn’t feeling perfectly well, like nothing too bad but slightly rubbishy and I used it happily as an excuse, I really didn’t feel like going, was very blue and stuff and I didn’t feel like going to therapy and seeing it again how much we can’t really connect would help me to feel better.
On Tuesday I went out for some Christmas shopping with Mum to buy all the presents for people I needed, thought that might be a bit stressful as I absolutely hate crowds and all that stuff, but for the most part boring because, well, shopping is boring, for both of us, but it wasn’t that bad. I knew exactly, or almost exactly, what I want to buy for everyone so it really went in a blink of an eye, and afterwards we went to KFC and had a meal. There was really crowdy though and I started to feel a bit fidgety which made me feel not up to eating at all so I took most of my food home and had it later on. But obviously KFC food reheated in the oven after a couple of hours isn’t as good as fresh KFC food, and I kind of regretted that my brain didn’t let me eat it but rather preferred to focus on making me anxious so I decided to recompense it to myself and had KFC also yesterday and really enjoyed it. I bought a big, fluffy, fleece blanket for my Dad, which is very heavy and cosy – we generally bought him a lot of cosy presents, all of us I think, – I also bought a Lego set for Zofijka, Fifa 2019 for Olek, and some sauces for Misha. I still am not sure what to buy for Mum, I was going to buy her a radio as her old one is just getting old, but Dad was first and bought her a really nice one, and he also bought her perfumes which was my another idea. Mum said she needs a kettle but I feel like giving people such presents is a bit foolish and egoistical and a bit narrow-minded because it’s actually for everyone’s advantage, there’s nothing personal about it! I know that in some couples it’s normal that guys buy their partners something to the kitchen, or generally family members do that, but… I just don’t feel it’s appropriate and particularly thoughtful. The radio my Dad bought for Mum has also a gramophone in it which is something my Mum will surely like and as vinyl CD’s seem to get trendy recently I think I’ll just go to some shop that has them with her after therapy and she’ll just choose something she likes for herself. Some people are always so crazy about making surprises for people and make a bit of a show of this presents thing, I mean nothing wrong with that if you and that other person like it and if you’re sure what she wants to get for Christmas, but I rather prefer to be sure they will like their presents, rather than that they will have a surprise, and although my Mum’s and my musical tastes used to be quite similar in the past we’re both getting older and things have changed dramatically so I’d rather prefer her to choose something nice for herself that she will enjoy.
After we came back from shopping I found out that a Christmas card from Carol Anne – blogging at Therapy Bits – has just come through to me and I was very happy about that. Also it seems that all the cards I have sent to people went through to them safely as well.
Another positive about this week was that I met some very interesting and lovely people online, and (yay!) someone who is Swedish! I’m so happy I can really practice my Swedish more regularly again and I hope that as we’ll be getting to know each other better with this girl we may become friends and I’ll have someone to chat with in Swedish on a regular basis. I have quite a bunch of Swedish acquaintances but I don’t have very regular contact with them and I also have one very close friend who is Swedish and lives in Poland and is in love with Poland and I guess I’ve mentioned her here before, but now she’s greatly focused on her very dynamic family life as she’s onlya couple months after her wedding and expecting a baby. So I mostly just write in my diary in Swedish or listen to Swedish or talk to Misha, I definitely don’t want my Swedish to get rusty so I do everything I can to use it, I even think in Swedish when I remember about it but it’s usually not as spontaneous as thinking in English. That girl though said my swedish was great and as she hasn’t been the only one saying so I can assume it couldn’t really get much worse if at all.
Quite a couple weeks ago, my aun was doing some medical tests because she was applying for a new job and needed to have them done. And they showed she had something wrong with one of her lungs, and they couldn’t figure out what it is. The GP scared her and all of us that it’s sarcoidosis, but it was just a suspicion. Then she went to the pulmonologist, who is also my and my Mum’s allergologist and generally a very experienced doctor, he looked at it, and was very concerned and said that in his over 30-year-old medical career he hadn’t seen anything like this. So of course all our family was rather worried. Then they admitted her to the hospital and did the CT and it showed that it is teratoma! None of us had ever heard about such thing before! It’s a sort of cancer, if I understand it well, but quite a, hm, peculiar one, and rather disgusting, I think, my Mum read something about it and told me, I was disgusted and scared and so was her, I had no idea such diseases even exist. I don’t know how to even explain it exactly and properly what teratoma is, so if you don’t know and are interested you can google it, but apparently it’s not as threatening as it may seem and you can get rid of it surgically only that it tend to reoccur quite often. And she also has it on her ovary apparently.
The reason why I’m mentioning this is that this week on… I guess Thursday, or Friday, she had a surgery on her lung to remove it. Luckily it seems like she’s recovering properly and will be home on Tuesday.
That’s about my week, and as for Christmas, well, I’m happy it is coming, but I can’t say I’m excited. I used to be a bit excited as a kid, but I guess it was mostly simply because I could be with my family rather than because Christmas as such, but yes, it’s certainly a nice time. But I am also definitely more or less stressed and I think the Christmas stress might be the reason why I’m so low lately and just everything seems to affect me even more than normally and I feel a bit as if I caught some nasty mental flu, or as if I was some sort of a Fillyjonk who constantly predicts various catastrophes in her mind (I strongly relate to Fillyjonk by the way, not just now before Christmas, 😀 and for those of you who don’t know Fillyjonk was a character in “Tales From The Moomin Valley” by Tove Jansson. Anyways, yes, there’s a lot of stress, mainly I guess because of social anxiety, but despite my Fillyjonk-ish attitude some small part of me tries to be positive and also possibly rational. I enjoyed helping Mum making pierogi on Friday, and we’ll probably do some more tomorrow, and when there are pierogi, there’s Christmas! 😀
So, how about YOU? 🙂 How’s your week been, and what are your attitude and feelings regarding Christmas? 🙂