Question of the day.

And today I have the following question for you:

What’s the worst thing that’s happened this week?

My answer:

Rant ahead! If you happen to also have emetophobia, or simply are not in the mindset for reading lots of pessimistic stuff loaded with anxiety, I’d recommend proceeding with caution.

For me, ugh, quite tough thing. My Dad got stomach flu, or whatever else it is, with similar symptoms anyway, and for me it means something quite close to end of the world. ‘Cause, for those who don’t know yet, I have emetophobia so such things scare the shit out of me and it’s incredibly hard to settle down after such a thing.

THe ironical part of all this is that he got sick yesterday very early in the morning, and yesterday was his birthday. Also ironically, although I usually keep the door to my room closed at night that night it was open because I left it for Misha, having seen him a couple nights before curled up at my door, waiting for someone to show mercy and open it so that he could go to bed… And I woke up startled and horrified, just had no idea why and then realised there are some very strange sounds downstairs, then I heard Dad going back upstairs to his room so I asked him what’s up and what he’s doing and he said he’s “pooping and puking” so I was absolutely horrified. Then I couldn’t fall asleep for quite a while but was reluctant to get up with so much anxiety and feeling depressed ’cause why should I and as a result I slipped into sleep paralysis for good 30 minutes or so, and there were also some stuff involving vomiting, I was just shattered waking up again so then it seemed even more pointless to get up and I just felt like a piece of bloody shit so stayed in bed until well after noon, which even with my messed up sleep cycle is not much like me, I try to be normally a bit more disciplined but yesterday it just didn’t make any sense. Finally, when I thought that lying in bed actually doesn’t make much sense either and can be even worse because I might get into sleep paralysis again I decided I might as well get up because it’s equally pointless and equally risky and I did. It looked like Mum went out somewhere so I called her to check what the situation actually is and maybe it’s not that bad as I thought. I asked her where she was and what’s with Dad and she said he got poisoned, probably with mushrooms he ate for supper which were probably just undercooked. That still wasn’t a good news, but as long as the poisoning wasn’t serious and the mushrooms weren’t toxic themselves I could breathe a huge sigh of relief because at least it wasn’t contagious, ’cause while pretty much anything related to vomit is more or less scary to me, the thing that is most triggering to me in this regard is being sick myself. I did feel greatly relieved even though I still had my guard on. I really can love someone to pieces but when they are sick and vomiting, especially when infecting, I’d rather be as far away from them as possible. But since it looked like my poor Dad’s illness isn’t contagious and he didn’t vomit any longer, I actually felt a bit guilty because I was vegetating in bed for no apparent reason and he was suffering in loneliness on his birthday and maybe needed some help or whatever. So now as I felt almost sure that being around him is relatively safe, I could play a sister of Mercy. Even though even looking at him being just sick overall made me feel shaky and sick myself. He didn’t want anything from me only to keep him company for a while, which I did, but still tried to keep a safe distance between us, as much as it is possible without being rude when you for example wish someone happy birthday – you won’t do it from a mile away and with your head turned in the opposite direction, right? But I tried to comfort myself that all my altruism and dedication won’t be for nothing and he’s not infecting for sure.

Unfortunately, looks like he does. ‘Cause despite him going to the loo a lot for various purposes and thus getting rid of all the possible mushrooms he could eat, he was still sick and having some flu-like symptoms like muscle aches and such so for my Mum, and with time for me too, it was clear that he got a tummy bug. So, yeah scary.

And it was his birthday, mind you, so, it was a shattering day for me. My Dad being sick, having to be around him, guests, socialising, loads and loads of food, and during the party, when Dad was already feeling better I was sitting next to him, and he was making us drinks, gosh I would most happily just run away screaming as far and fast as I could and hide somewhere in the ices of Lapland until the new year, and it still feels very tempting. And my uncle came before the rest of the guests, just for a short while, and said he was “feeling kind of sick”.

I think I didn’t have such a strong hit of emetophobia since a good couple of years, I think this is one area in which I made a lot of progress for sure, but now it feels like a relapse, I don’t really get why it’s so bad this time, maybe it’s because in general I’ve been overthinking a lot and just an anxious mess overall. I’d never had any particularly compulsive/obsessive behaviours, not even at school when my emetophobia could be really hard to live with at times especially if I didn’t want anyone to realise I was struggling with it, and now I do feel a bit “OCD-like”, feeling like I absolutely need to wash my hands after pretty much anything that I consider even slightly “risky” or before eating whatever. I wasn’t like that and I just hope things get back to normal when the Christmas season ends. 😱 By the way what is with this Christmas season?! It’s not the first one when someone in our house has stomach flu. And because there’s so much food and socialising I definitely feel like it’s the worst possible time for this stuff. If there’s ever a good time I mean.

Dad is feeling OK today and doesn’t have any symptoms, but I definitely don’t, and it’ll be probably be a while until I settle down even if no one else follows, I’m really tired of feeling so intensely anxious already but can’t stop it, still feeling compulsive, eating fairly restrictively and drinking apple cider vinegar despite I actually hate it, but I’d rather drink a sea of it than got sick even without throwing up. It may not help me to keep away from the viruses but at least if I’ll get sick maybe it’ll be milder or in the worst case my overall health might somewhat improve and my metabolism will speed up thanks to it, well I can’t complain about that anyway, but it won’t do me any harm and people are so crazy about its natural properties. My Mum as a true natural health geek drinks it every day or mostly every day and so will I at least until Christmas is over.

So I think that’s the worst thing, I can’t say this week is particularly good in general, but that’s definitely the worst.

And how about you? Feel free to rant if you wish. 🙂