Question of the day.

   What made you smile or cry today? 

   My answer: 

   I don’t remember when was the last time I cried, but something did already make me smile today, namely a super crazy but fun dream I had. I had actually pretty rotten sleep last night. Perhaps it was because I decided I’d try to sleep with my Apple Watch out of curiosity and perhaps the novelty of it made my sleep shallow or something. I fell asleep a bit after midnight so not too bad, but I didn’t really feel like I was sleeping at all, just at some point realised that it’s almost 3 AM and that someone is taking a shower (you can hear basically everything that’s going on in the bathroom from my room and in particular when the water’s running in the shower). I was really surprised because everyone was at home sleeping when I went to bed so I thought it was a bit odd that someone decided to get up in the middle of the night and have a shower. My brain started running 1000 miles a minute as I was thinking what might have happened, and then when the person got out of the shower, I realised it was my Dad, ‘cause I heard him sneezing. In fact once he started sneezing, he kept sneezing for ages, and then sniffling and making other weird noises, including such that actually made the alarms in my brain go off ‘cause it sounded kind of like vomit. So obviously I could sleep no more. Then I heard him go downstairs so I texted him if he’s okay and what’s up, but he wouldn’t respond. After a while I heard him go out and start up the lorry so obviously I figured he was going to work, but that still didn’t explain the middle-of-the-night shower as he usually doesn’t do that if he has to get up at night for work. Usually when he has work early in the morning and late at night and I’m not sleeping, I text him to wish him a nice journey or something, as he usually sits in the lorry for some time before driving off to fill out paperwork and stuff, and he says he likes that and it makes his day better, so I texted him again wishing him a pleasant day, and this time he did reply «Thanks Bibiel» but didn’t reply to the first message. Eventually I figured that perhaps he got a bit of a cold or something and tried my best to convince myself that what I heard wasn’t gagging or vomit, and was successful, but was already too wide awake to fall asleep. 

   Instead, I decided to go to my Brainworld and spent there the whole morning, pretty much until eight. That was the first thing that made me smile, I often smile when I’m in my Brainworld, and last night I mostly really enjoyed myself in there.

   But then when my alarm went off I actually realised I had totally no energy and didn’t feel like getting up at all, and felt a migraine coming. Sleep felt like a dangerous idea as well, because after such a break in between sleeps I would be running a huge risk of getting into the sleep paralysis world. But I felt so tired that I gave into it, took some pain killers, set another alarm for 10, and drifted off to sleep. I indeed did end up landing right in front of «Ian» from my sleep paralysis world, and the first fifteen or so minutes of my sleep were very unpleasant, but this time it was more just because of all the unpleasant physical sensations I get from sleep paralysis and a general sense of fear and discomfort rather than because of any particularly scary content of those dreams. Even though I set another alarm to wake me up, I forgot to turn on Do Not Disturb on my Apple Watch, which in this case turned out to be a great thing, because after some time of being in sleep paralysis, I got an email, so my Apple Watch vibrated and I woke up. I was even more tired now from sleep paralysis and promptly fell asleep again but this time in a proper way. 

   I totally ignored the alarm and kept sleeping past ten, even though it wasn’t really the best quality sleep I guess, sleep after sleep paralysis is usually not, but something’s better than nothing. I also had lots of weird dreams, but it’s only the last one, the one that made me smile when I recalled it after waking up, that deserves attention and that I really remember vividly and so can describe in detail. 

   I dreamt that I lived in some sort of collective dwelling  place for lots of people, like a kind of institution, I have no idea what it might have been but perhaps some sort of long-term lodging place. It had loads of single rooms and it had a reception and if someone wanted to see you in there, there was a whole procedure for them to go through of filling out lots of papers and stuff. So perhaps it was more like a prison? 😀 I was staying in my room and then the receptionist called me and told me excitedly that I had very special visitors, that I’m supposed to be measured for a dress that I’m going to be wearing for a very special occasion. Almost as soon as she said that, the door to my room opened and in came a middle-aged lady and a teenage boy. And it was the lady that was most interesting and that I remember the most vividly. She introduced herself to me as Helenor (my favourite name of the year now probably 😁 ) and was very warm and open, though also very eccentric. But what I found particularly striking about her was her way of speaking. She spoke to me in English, and she had an accent that was the quirkiest possible mix of ridiculously hardcore exaggerated BBC English with an unmistakable hint of North Welsh accent, with rolled «r’s» and strong plosives and the characteristic u’s so it sounded kind of  rough in combination really, but she was also extremely sing-songy and had a sort of inflection that is more South Welsh rather than a North Welsh thing, which added some mildness, and she had a very rich contralto and went up and down in pitch a lot as she spoke. She enunciated all her words extremely clearly and had some really peculiar style of speaking as well, using kind of weird vocab and expressing herself in a funny way, like she kept referring to me as «Bibielle sweeting» all the time. I also had Misha in that place with me and when they came in, he was laying on the bed and she came over to stroke him at some point and was something like: «Misha, oh Misha, such a lavish fur. What a splendid colour! Unrivalled thickness! These gleaming eyes of yours! Verily bewitching!» And  stuff like that and she could talk all the time. In hindsight, I wonder if her awe regarding Misha’s fur was because she thought it would be great for a coat.

   The boy that accompanied her was Polish and I remember that his name was something like Dawid or Dominik though I have no idea where I know it from because she never referred to him by name and he seemed awfully shy and hardly spoke. This Helenor lady turned out to be some kind of seamstress, and she went to the trouble of making several different dresses for me and decided to check if any of them actually suits me only after she was done with making them. And the Dawid/Dominik boy was like her assistant or something, carrying stuff after her, picking up her needles and reminding her things that she forgot to do which seemed to be a very regular occurrence. Like I said he was extremely shy and seemed to be even afraid to speak louder, but at the same Time he didn’t seem to like his job at all and as he stood in the corner and Waited for Helenor to be done with me I heard him sighing theatrically all the time as if this was the most boring day of his life. She, meanwhile, was super enthusiastic about her job, to the point that I guess it must have been a bit infectious, because while I normally hate things like trying on clothes and stuff like that, but this time round I totally didn’t mind. All the dresses that she brought me were in a bit different styles, but they were all extremely elegant and fancy and old-fashioned, like ball gowns, one actually had something that I suppose must have been a crinoline. 

   At some point it finally dawned on me that I had no clue why I’d even need such a ball dress, so I asked Helenor if she knew what all that was about. And she happily explained to me that, basically, the whole idea was hers, and that she herself picked me as the most suitable to attend the ball, and that it was a ball of the fairies and trolls and elves «And you shall be away with the fairies, Bibielle sweeting» – she giggled. – 

   Eventually Helenor decided on a dress that suited me best, and I liked it a lot too. It was long but very airy and light and frilly and made of muslin and Helenor said it was purple. But then she got concerned and said that it’s probably too light and that I’d need to have some warmer outer garment as well and she went on and on how otherwise I might freeze and then she’ll be the one held accountable by the fairies so I assumed it was very likely that I could actually freeze there and she blamed herself in a very dramatic way and despaired over how she hadn’t thought about making me a coat as well. So she ordered Dawid Dominik to fetch all the spare coats that she’d made, I don’t know from where he fetched them and if he really had to carry all the clothes that Helenor has made just in case they could end up being useful. So then Helenor wanted me to try all the coats, and eventually settled on one made of rabbit fur. It was really cute and so soft and fluffy and even had a hood and huge deep pockets, and then she generously offered me her very own rabbit muff, though I didn’t really need it with such huge pockets in the coat.

   She kept oohing and aching about that rabbit coat and how well it looked on me, and went on and on and on about all kinds of things very chaotically in that peculiar accent of hers, and then was suddenly interrupted by the Dawid Dominik boy, who uttered a very loud moan. She turned to him, and he seemed to show her something and point at it and whispered something very agitatedly but I couldn’t understand a word. But Helenor seemed to do, because she got really alarmed or anxious. She quickly grabbed my arm and dragged me into the corner of the room where the boy stood, she switched a light on and they both seemed to inspect something very closely, but I was not sure what it was, which made me feel anxious too. At first I thought they were assessing me up-close like that, and wondered whether perhaps something happened to me suddenly if it caused so much agitation, like, dunno, perhaps I myself suddenly changed into a troll or grown another head or whatever. But the more they looked and debated between themselves in hushed voices and pointed at something the more I started to think that perhaps it’s something in my room. Is there a pile of shit lying somewhere or is it infested by mice or what? I felt more and more uncomfortable not knowing what was going on. And then suddenly Helenor shrieked on what I would assume must have been the top of her lungs: «Jesus Christ help me!» and just disappeared, and Dawid Dominik, dresses, coats and the muff with her. I was speechless and wondered wtf happened, all the more anxiously that I felt I was waking up and I might never know what was the deal with Helenor. Then, as I was already one food in the waking world, someone opened the door of the dream room. It was someone who worked in that place I lived in. She sat on the bed and was like: «So, how did lady Helenor’s visit go? Did she find the right dress for you?» I thought perhaps she’d be able to explain the mystery to me so I told her everything, but she just said something like: «Oh, that’s a pity. But in this case she probably won’t ever come back». I wanted to know why and everything but then I woke up for good and it was 1 PM. 

   I was really amused by that dream once I was able to think clearly, I love it when my brain creates vivid characters like that and then when I wake up I wish they were real. I often try to imagine them again consciously and get them into my Brainworld and I definitely want to do that with Helenor, she’ll be making clothes for Magnus, Nerissa and his children (Magnus and Nerissa are my imaginary sea people who help real people feel happy, and Helenor will fit in their castle perfectly). And where the flip does my brain get such random plot scenarios? It also occurred to me that, while Helenor was so concerned with my not having a coat, she was seemingly oblivious to the fact that I had no appropriate ball shoes. But perhaps fairies dance bare-footed. 😀 

   So, how about you? What made you smile today? Or what made you cry? 🙂 

Question of the day.

When was the last time you laughed, and why?

My answer:

Despite having dysthymia and feeling more or less depressed 99% of the time, I do laugh a lot, for all sorts of reasons. Because sometimes it’s the best way of masking that works for me, and because generally even when I feel anything but happy I don’t lose the ability to laugh or even the impulse/desire to laugh, unless when it’s like really reeeally shitty, in fact I think it’s a lot easier than smiling for me because while laughter conveys stronger emotions than a smile, at the same time it is kind of more diverse. Like, to be able to smile convincingly, I need to feel at least neutral moodwise, meanwhile I don’t need to feel neutral or above to be able to laugh genuinely, or even just convincingly, because for me laughter is not only about feeling happy. I can feel amused by something without needing to feel happy or even close to happy. It’s just not about happiness. I can have a super shitty day but still find something worth laughing at, even if just sarcastically. But a smile has to be happy. A sarcastic smile just doesn’t do, right? 😀 A sad smile makes you feel more miserable, well it does make me feel miserable and I guess look miserable too, so I don’t bother with smiling when I’m sad unless I think someone is really going to think I am rude because I didn’t smile at them. Also laughter is a coping skill for me some of the time, plus it’s the Bibiel part of me who just is this way that she always sees the funny or absurd side of a lot of situations. Considering that, regarding the latter, Sofi is exactly the same, well maybe not exactly but her way of seeing things is very similar and at the same time we complement each other so that makes that together we can find even more humour of different kinds in things, we have a lot of laughs together. And so, I think the last time I laughed must have been some time last night, as I was spending time withh Sofi, and yeah, we usually laugh together at this thing or another, at least a little bit. And yesterday we both were in a bit of a crazy mood so we were laughing a lot and with Misha too.

You? Also, just out of curiosity (well, this whole series is just out of curiosity but anyway) what do you find easier, smiling or laughing, especially if you have any kind of a mood disorder? 🙂

Question of the day.

What makes you smile/happy? 🙂

My answer:

Misha often makes me smile. And Sofi. She has a great sense of humour and is just funny as she is. Misha also makes me happy, or at least happier for sure, Misha is like the embodiment of happiness for me. Being able to do things I like and that help my brain to recharge, like stuff with my languages, listening to music, reading something interesting or spending time in my Brainworld also always cheers me up.

What is it for you? 🙂