Wanna join the no sleep club? And a bit of a rant, couldn’t resist.

Hi. 🙂

So, does anyone want to join the No Sleep Club? I don’t know if there’s something similar in English, but in Polish, we have a sort of saying: if for example you say to someone “I didn’t sleep tonight” that person can say “Welcome to the club” which means she didn’t sleep either. and I had such situation with my friend when I told her I didn’t sleep very well and she said welcome to the club and then we were talking about the idea of a no sleep club. Just a place where not sleeping at night people could be together and do whatever they want, but just be glad they’re not the only ones not sleeping. How do you like the idea? 😀 Just my thoughts. 😀

SThe rest of this post is going to be almost entirely a rant, so… just be prepared:

eems like I’m not going to sleep tonight, or at least not much. Today is one of these days when it sucks more than usually because I’m feeling very crappy and depressed since Thursday I think and I was hoping to at least sleep through some more of this shitty time. But probably I just had too much sleep last time as I slept from about 1 AM until almost 10. So again my sleep cycle is ruined. It all feels even more overwhelming at night. I just feel so low I am surprised I can function in the outside world as usual, or almost as usual. I feel like it could give me some relief if I could have some outlet, I’ve tried to write about all I feel and don’t feel in my diary and maybe why, but although I was writing for quite a while and wrote down a lot of my depressive thoughts and concerns and frustrations and all, I feel like I didn’t get to the core and wasn’t able to define what it is that overwhelms me the most, like I couldn’t get it into words. In any language I know well enough to talk at least basically about all this fucking complexity of my freaking brain that sometimes barely makes sense even for myself. Well most of the time I think. So I gave up with expressing myself, I think, at least for now.

But what I noticed looking at my diary recently is that I finally seem to see any patterns or cycles in which my depressive moods, or rather more depressive than usual, tend to go. I’ve always wanted to know if it’s possible in my case to define in which part of the day, or week, or month, my mood is most low or high. And I looked at the dates of entries and saw most of these filled with lots of depressive/generally self loathing thoughts I was usually writing either on the very end of the month, or the very beginning. And when I have PMS, but that I’ve already known. I don’t know whether it could matter or not, but am going to see how it will proceed this month and in a couple next months.

I think I’ve told you my ex therapist with whom I check in from time to time on the phone, thinks I have bipolar. No one else from the mental health specialists whom I visited suggested it, but she said that in her opinion mood swings I’ve been experiencing and sudden lift ups which aren’t very high, but are visible for me and which she had seen too, can be classified as hypomania. Only that I actually didn’t have such a really upbeat mood in months now. I had days when I felt pretty neutral or even a bit higher than neutral, but nothing like I could really say that I am in a good mood, no euphoria or anything. And so recently I started to wonder if she’s right or not. I know some people have longer cycles, but then if I had such a long depression phase, with so changeable intensivity, I guess I should have a longer hypomania episode, or shouldn’t I, I don’t know, that seems to be the only thing I know right now. And then thinking about that let me again to the conclusion that if I still don’t have the diagnosis other than that reactive depression three years ago and no actual treatment, it must mean I must be totally not fitting into any criteria, maybe I’m just somehow faking it or something or making a big deal of things, or am just untreatable. Of course rationally I know people can struggle with not getting a diagnosis either psychiatric or in any other medical field, for much longer, but emotionally I can’t really get it.

Good at least my anxiety has lessened since I’m on afobam again, it makes things more manageable, this yea is really so shitty, I don’t get how I’m actually supposed to get through it, so it’s good I’m on it now. And Misha’s with me. This is such a good child. It’s often hard to get him sleep with me at night, he sleeps so much during the day he’s then full of beans in the evening, but recently he started to come to me on his own when he sees people are going to sleep and meows at me to feed him and put him to bed. 🙂 He’s just sweet. And I am working on a name game, just to not think too much, or to not overthink and I’m going to post it here later on. I hope you’ll like it too, I got the idea from Meagan a.k.a. Tulip By Any Name, but I’m making my own. I rarely have ideas about my own name games, though I love them, so I’m glad I have something to occupy my mind at least for a while. It’s nothing big, but you have to be focused on it.

This no sleep thing really frustrates me, mostly because I have Maths in the morning. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through with no sleep, but if I’ll feel very zombie-like maybe our tutor will take Zofijka during my hours. And my head started aching a few hours ago like I’m going to have a migraine soon, so yeah, seems like I’ll be having lots of fun tomorrow, or today actually, or whatever else kind of shit it’ll be then. But I didn’t have a migraine for some time already, but why do I have to have it at all? Is it really so necessary if so many people can live without it? Shit. Yeah everything seems soooo overwhelming right now, almost whatever I’ll think about.

Sorry it is so chaotic, but I’m generally very chaotic when talking about stuff like that, honestly, although I’ve been always writing a lot in my diary about my, hmmm, internal experiences, I still feel quite odd sharing my negative feelings with other people, even writing.

Really thanks for reading if you made through all this.

Fffrrreeezzzing!

Yeah it’s really freezing here today. Snowing almost all the time since yesterday and very icy. My gramma whom we invited today for some time to stay with us almost collapsed on the steps when she was coming in, so slippery it is.

So as you know I had an almost sleepless night. Yeah luckily I managed to fall asleep about an hour after I wrote that post in the morning and had a few hours of sleep. It wasn’t very refreshing, but it was definitely something. Otherwise I would probably become very groggy after some time. We all went to the church in the morning. We went there on foot, it is about 7 minutes walk from us till there, so not that very far, but my leg was burning a lot after I got home. It’s shitty, I thought it healed at least a bit. and then my uncle dropped gramma (my Dad’s mum) to us. I was writing a lot with my pen pals. Also I played with Zofijka for a while. At 4 we went to church again, but now by car. Now as it is Lent, there is a special devotion on each Sunday of Lent related to that in Poland, apparently it doesn’t exist in any other Catholic countries, I think its English title would be something like Bitter Lamentations and it is about Christ’s passion and it is sung. We dropped gramma to her house afterwards and did some shopping. Zofijka felt very sleepy early on and she went to bed about 7 PM so very not like her. She wanted me and Misha to be with here so we were as she was falling asleep, she often wants us to be with her before she falls asleep. I told her a story. I don’t usually do that, only sometimes, but she really likes it. Zofijka’s stories are very special. They are about a fictional creature called Jim, which looks like a human, actually like a 10-year-old boy, but he is a Jimosaurus – the last Jimosaurus in the world and is 10000 years old, despite looking so very young and being so child-like. Jim lives in Australia (Zofijka had a slight obsession about Australia when I was making it all up so hence the location) in a little hut in the forest. He’s the king of that forest and all of the animals there can talk obviously. Jim’s best friend is – Plim – a pretty clumsy, forgetful, awkward and sluggish but very kind-hearted and sensitive koala who rules the forest on Jim’s behalf when Jim’s not there and a bit scating, but incredibly loyal bee called Sophie who is very good at cooking and making different curing mixtures and taking care of animals and people. Jim can eat normal people food and he likes it, but it isn’t nutritious for him. Really nutritious food for him is helping people. When he feels hungry, which happens very often, he takes out his binoculars and leather wings and climbs up on the roof of his hut. Then he looks at the whole world and searches for people or any other beings who may need help. If he finds someone to helps, he takes quickly what he needs, sometimes takes Sophie with him if any medical intervention is needed, puts on his wings and flies there. So as you see poor Plim has to be in charge most of the time actually. So Zofijka’s stories are always about different people or animals or plants or even sometimes things that Jim helps. She always says she loves Jim. But she always falls asleep so quickly that I highly doubt he can hear the whole story.

Anyone else not sleeping?

Goodnight, good morning or whatever people say at 04:10 AM. 😀

Yeah, another night of no sleep. With the difference that this time I won’t be able to catch up on sleep in the morning if I’d become sleepy as I have things to do in the morning. So unless a miracle will happen and I’ll get an hour or two of sleep until 6, I think I have a zombie day ahead, as I always call days after a completely sleepless night. Ugh, I hate it so much. But maybe if I’ll go zombie for a day, my sleep routine will settle back and my brain will get in which timezone I am. The good thing however is that Misha’s with me fast asleep in his basket, giving me some more sense of safety, and, which I am very gateful about, my anxiety is definitely not as overwhelming as it was last night. I mean it still is there, but it isn’t so exhausting and I am more functional so after like two hours of tossing and turning I got up and started doing some nice things like I wrote a bit of a next chapter of my book. It’s called “Jack Hamilton” and I’ve been writing it for years, finding comfort in it. Jack Hamilton is just a simple guy, but with very complex life and he’s quite funny, he is actually writing his story on its own. I often plan to direct his life and make him do what I want, but I end up writing something completely different like he’d want to write a life scenario for himself. I planned to publish Jack, but firstly now it’s definitely too long, and secondly, he became my close friend over the years, someone extremely close to me, almost ten years now. My God I can’t believe I can manage with him for so long. He isn’t easy to live with. And although many people know I’m writing a book about a guy called Jack Hamilton who is half Irish half Swedish, even know some of his life story, I’ve never shown anyone more than my notes before writing an actual chapter. I feel like my relationship with Jack, although he’s only my creation, is very intimate is some way.

Besides Jack, I’ve been reading my book, snuggling Misha, still have music on and I think soon I’ll go to bed again just in case I might fall asleep, although I highly doubt it could happen.

Who else isn’t sleeping for whatever reason?

Song of the day – Candelas – Colli Cwsg (lose sleep).

Hi!

Here’s the last song of my three most favourite songs by Candelas.

The title “Colli Cwsg” can mean “sleep loss”, but in the context it would rather mean “lose sleep”. I like this track more and more. Hope you will like it too. The album version of this song doesn’t exist on YT either, but there is another version which I think I like as much or maybe even a bit more than the album one, so I picked this one, especially that not everyone has to have Spotify:

I just “loove” weird, scary dreams.

So as I wrote yesterday, today it is my Dad’s name day. We expected quite a lot of people to come in, my Mum’s and Dad’s family and Dad’s friend, but it’s a few minutes after seven now as I’m starting to write this and as for now only my aunt with her family visited us late in the afternoon and now there is Dad’s coworker and I think that will be all, and, to be honest, I am happy about that and my Mum is too, although we are both happy for different reasons. I am happy as I hate crowds and all related things, my Mum is happy because she won’t have to make as much food as she thought she’d have too.

I’m having quite a good day today and it would be really great if not my leg, which is still burning, and very poor sleep I had last night. Straight after I wrote yesterday’s post, I went to bed, just to lie for a while with Misha, as I was really tired of all that pain and all and maybe nap for half an hour or so. But I fell asleep and slept really heavily so that didn’t even hear poor Misha meowing to let him out, but luckily my Dad did. Finally my Mum woke me up at 11 PM asking me if I am going to sleep the whole night through in my dress and day clothes ’cause she doesn’t really think it is a good idea lol. As it wasn’t my intention and I also didn’t think it’s a very good idea, I showered and had a cup of tea, but then was awoken for too long I guess to fall in such heavy sleep again. So after some time I gave up and started to play with Misha, who is in a very friendly mood now again and acts really weird as for him and seems almost overly sociable. 😀 I can’t figure him out, I think. We both finally fell asleep around four, but now I think I could as well stay awake until all the civilised people in my time zone will wake up too, ’cause as soon as I fell asleep, I fell in the swirl of totally weird, scary and exhausting dreams with some extra attractions like sleep paralysis and false awakenings, I don’t know how many of them I had, but really really many and some part of my brain which stayed more or less conscious all the time when I was having these dreams was wondering whether actually I will ever wake up for sure.

It was like dozens of pretty realistic scenarios of my day, but each of them was very dark and scary, even though seemed normal, but everything around felt so incredibly gloomy and ominous and there always was a moment when suddenly lots of creepy things started to happen, most often pretty speciffic things, but I don’t feel very comfortable talking about it in detail, and deep down I always knew that actually I am still sleeping, but once those creepy things started to happen I knew it for sure. There were often moments I wanted to wake up or test whether it’s a dream or reality, but I either couldn’t move or my brain was playing tricks on me or everything was too foggy. I wanted to scream, but I know I didn’t, even though I dreamed I did but just no one heard me. I wanted to do so ’cause I thought then someone will come and wake me up. I was probably much more scared in all these dreams than it was worth it, I always am, in these dreams I was even thinking that now I will always be really afraid to fall asleep and wondered if I will ever truly believe I woke up, I was more frustrated and exhausted when I finally woke up, than scared and I often have much more scary dreams, but still, it was scary and I am glad Misha was with me, even though I didn’t think of it while having these dreams and I don’t think it could help me if I knew it then, but, you know, when you wake up and you realise you wasn’t physically completely alone in all that, it makes a slight, but comforting difference. Even though Misha wasn’t conscious at all what’s going on with me and I suppose no one would be. I hate waking up alone after such shit.

So it was half past seven when they finally let me alone and then Misha wanted to go out so I let him, but I was very exhausted after those dreams so I took a risk and decided to try to get back to sleep and maybe get some healthy sleep.

I didn’t have dreams like that, but I know I dreamed about something which frightened me, but it wasn’t any form of lucid dream luckily now, so I don’t remember it. But I didn’t really feel well-rested when I woke up. I slept until nine, but as I said I feel like I could as well not sleep at all. Hope tonight it will be better.

My Mum wanted to go shopping with Zofijka and I decided to go with them ’cause otherwise I would be home alone just with Misha, my Dad was working outside and Olek was at work. I like to be home alone, I really enjoy it, but I truly hate it when I’m particularly anxious or had some scary dreams. So we went for some groceries and bought a present for Dad, Zofijka wanted to buy some books and I went with my Mum to our mobile network operator to change my phone number. I felt like I needed to do it for some time already, just for safety reasons, as I have a friend from my school who was getting on my nerves recently, calling me or writing to me on every possible communicator and wanting me to do different things for her. I mean, it’s not like I don’t like helping people or it bothers me if people want a lot from me, but it was like she couldn’t accept I have other things in life of more importance to do than make her happy and be always available for her, she always seemed very hurt when I couldn’t or didn’t want to do something for her, and I felt like she takes a lot of people’s helpfullness for granted. Plus I don’t have good memories from the school and she just loved to talk about it and recall old, in her view, good times whenever we were talking. So at some point I realised that for my own well-being I definitely need to cut her off. And so I did. And life seems much more peaceful now, and although I feel a lot of sympathy for her, because she seems to be a very lonely person and I suppose I hurt her, I don’t regret my decision much, I never felt close enough to her to regret it. One thing I regret is that with cutting her off, I had to cut off or limit contacts with some other people from the same environment, with whom I maybe wasn’t best friends, but we liked each other. But I know they wouldn’t understand why I feel so uncomfortable around that girl and why I want to avoid her. Sometimes unfortunately it is so that when you make a choice and you know it is right, some of the consequences might be a bit hard, but as I said, none of those folks were my best friends, they were just nice people I liked and who as I suppose liked me in return. Luckily we don’t close to each other with that girl, we are in two different part of the country, so technically cutting her off was very easy.

When we got home I did a few Welsh lessons and I absorbed quite a lot of vocabulary today which I am proud of.

I also spent quite a lot of time with Zofijka and Misha.

I hope you all are having a nice Saturday.

Oh wow, I would never believe that writing a simple post will take me so much time! :O It’s already after 10 PM. But I always multitask and did a lot in the meantime, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. Sometimes when I was writing some longer posts with some of my more complex musings for my Polish blogs, writing the whole post could take me even a few days, so it’s my normal, I guess.

I think I’ll soon be off to sleep, so wish me good luck. 😉 I hope this night won’t be so scary and Misha will be so good and sleep with me. And I wish nice dreams to all of you who will go to sleep soon as well.