Ugh… #ishouldbesleeping

Yes, I think I should. But because my brain rarely seems to care and do things as it should, I’m not sleeping. At the moment I’m writing this, it’s 3:59 AM. Well now it’s 4. Another Zombie day ahead? :/ Shit. My parents came back from that party about 2 hours ago, and went almost immediately to sleep. I feel rather confused. I was wondering if it might be after that drink of Jack Daniels I had earlier in the evening, but it usually makes me sleepy, plus it was rather diluted, there was more Pepsi than Jack in it, I didn’t want to elevate my anxiety by drinking something stronger. So I don’t really know what’s causing it. I woke up very early today, or actually yesterday, and, in comparison to most of my days recently, I had a really good day. And I am not anxious almost at all. Well I am but it is definitely manageable.Even despite being practically alone for the whole evening my “silence anxiety” was almost absent too (it usually comes out when I least expect it and don’t feel very depressed and when I’m alone, but today it was sitting still surprisingly). I just don’t feel sleepy at all. It’s still some time untill people will be waking up, especially since my parents came back so late and Olek is still somewhere out with his friends so I guess they’ll be getting up late, so maybe I’ll get some sleep in, but my experience tells me I won’t. Usually it’s been so that if I didn’t fall asleep until 3 AM despite trying, a Zombie day is ahead. I have them worryingly often now, it wasn’t this way even last year. I think I’ll try once again soon.

Someone else not sleeping for whatever reason?

A shitty, Zombie day.

Yeah, today I have another Zombie day, which means, if you’re unfamiliar, that I’m after a night of completely no sleep. I think the reason of my sleep being so poor recently is that I’m significantly anxious over many things. A bit more than a week ago my term exam session started, which is always some stress – almost none in comparison to final exams that I’ll have in May, but still, makes me quite tense. Besides, almost at the same time my brother picked up some tummy bug or something and was sick, with vomiting and all the attractions, which obviously triggered my emetophobia. It lasted for very long for him and then Dad got infected too and it lasted very long too, so I was freaking out literally, because they were sick and because I could get sick and anyone else could. I didn’t get it luckily, but still don’t fully know if it’s actually over for them. Moreover, my Mum had gastroscopy and colonoscopy on Tuesday before Easter. Well it didn’t regard me directly, but still it made me feel anxious for some reason, I almost felt like I myself was going to have gastroscopy, which would be just traumatic for me I guess and I was stressed for Mum. Don’t know why I reacted so strongly for it. And then Mum had also some not serious complications after that which contributed to my anxiety. It’s crazy. and my final exams are in a month now, which is the thing I’m most anxious about currently. It’s not only about the exams themselves and whether I’ll pass them, but also about the circumstances in which I’ll be writing them. I’m not sure whether I finally told you or not, I guess I did, but I won’t take them at my own school that I formally go to. My school is a normal, mainstream school and my Mum was kind of afraid I might not get all the adjustments I could get if I’d write at a special school for the blind, especially as for math, as this is the subject I particularly suck at and is very difficult for me. I agree with it and so my Mum came up with the idea she’ll ask the headmistress of one of the schools for the blind – not the one I was going to as a child, a completely different one – if it would be possible for me to write there. There was a lot of paperwork and other stuff involved, but it was possible and I got the permission finally. But this school, although is much closer than the one I was going to, is still quite far from where I live, in a different region. So we would have to stay in the boarding school. I know, I won’t be there on my own, there will be Mum and maybe Zofijka with me, I will live with them and the circumstances will be completely different, we’ll be out of there most of the time, I desperately try to think rationally about it, but the anxiety is still there. I know it’s so irrational and stupid and all, but it doesn’t seem like I could do much about it now. I’ll probably just have to face it and see if it was worth all that anxiety or not. Also, I’m having lots of nasty dreams recently, with sleep paralysis and without and they scare me so so much. Just last week I had sleep paralysis twice. It’s knackering and makes me feel just helpless. Often such dreams leave me anxious for hours after they pass away. So yeah plenty of issues that may contribute to that lack of sleep.

Luckily I didn’t have to do anything important today, apart from preparing to my History exam which I’ll have on Monday, but it wasn’t hard to do and I actually could do it tomorrow as well if I really needed. I feel absolutely crappy today, with no energy (despite three strong coffees), lots of anxiety and depression, but that’s normal I guess for everyone who didn’t sleep for an entire night, or at least it’s my normal when I don’t sleep properly, the more tat other things get in the way.

Recently I was writing that I plan on buying a new Braille-Sense, and it turned out that it’s time now for applying for funding, so I did some of that endless paperwork with Mum. Well I guess don’t have much more to say now. Just had to rant a bit.

How are you guys doing? 🙂

Question of the day.

Are you a night owl or an early bird?
My answer:
My sleep patterns seem to change very quickly and I can easily fall out of my normal sleep cycle, but overall I am definitely a night owl. It is not a big problem for me to stay up very late and I often do it just because I want. I find night time a particularly good time fr writing anything so I often stay up late if I need or want to write something. Usually I am the last person in our house to go to bed, unless Misha is particularly full of beans or slept a lot during the day, or unless my brother goes out for the party or something. I like to get up early, but usually don’t wake up very early unless I just woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall asleep again. Getting up early is generally harder for me than staying up late and my brain functions definitely better in the evening than early morning. You? 🙂

Sleeping and feeling more decently. :)

Yes, my sleep is now not very far from proper and I am happy about that. That Zombie day on Tuesday was so awful and exhausting. Thanks sooo very much to all those of you who supported me that day. I was so overwhelmingly depressed that actually at the end of the day I almost ended up self harming again, somehow resisted the urge, but then was even more frustrated and sick of myself, I self harmed just a bit more than a month ago and I had much longer periods without self harming in the past. The fact I didn’t finally do it didn’t really matter for me, I felt absolutely awful for feeling such a bad urge. Finally I went to bed at such a cosmic hour as for my sleep cycle as 7 PM, earlier than Zofijka. 😀 I usually go to sleep the last, only sometimes Misha is up for longer. and slept for… 12 hours! It was a very refreshing and heavy sleep, I actually don’t remember any awakenings. My mood lifted up a bit too so I felt functional enough to write my geography control assignment. It was so boring. Not like I expected it to be very very interesting, I’ve been always finding school extremely boring overall, but anyway it was boring. I had to write about different forms of nature protection in Wejherowo County where I live, like Tricity Landscape Park for example. I think I did it well. Last night I had another night of good sleep and have a feeling tonight will be so too. I don’t expect it to last long but as long as it lasts, I’m very happy about that. Emotionally/moodwise today I feel tolerably. Definitely not good, but functional. Recently I don’t feel very functional, so I’m glad about it. I gave my Mum my assignment to print out. My geography teacher is an elderly guy and rather extremely not up to date with new technologies, which makes it a bit hard for me and my Mum. Normally I could just send him this assignment in email, but as far as I know he doesn’t have any email so my Mum needs to take the time to go to the printing house and then deliver it to him. But well education system sucks in general, not that there aren’t any exceptions of course. Tonight Zofijka is sleeping with me. While my anxiety is definitely more manageable since last week, Zofijka who is a rather worrisome kid, is recently a bit anxious. They watched some scary stuff in class, well scary in her opinion. She seems to be always overly scared of things like demons, ghosts, vampires or paranormal phenomena. While her friends find it very intriguing, in my opinion probably also overly. So she wanted to sleep with me. She wants to sleep with me every night, but this time I agreed as I know how fantastic it feels to be scared in the middle of the night and alone, especially if you’re just a 10-year-old child, although I’m not very enthusiastic about sleeping with other people. I’ve just watched an episode of Happy Valley with Mum and then some film about the Tudors on Epic Drama. We love British films as you can see. And we had ginger tea and some chilli crackers. It lifted up my mood, I hope it will stay so until tomorrow. I think I’ll be going to sleep soon, it’s 10 PM so rather early but I somehow feel sleepy and I don’t really have much to do right now other than sleep, especially that I must be rather silent as Zofijka is sleeping.

Wishing you all good night and sweet dreams, or a nice day, whatever time is now where you live. 🙂

Song of the day – Alex Kunnari ft. Tim Hilberts – Wake Me Up.

Hi! 🙂

Today’s song really speaks to me. I found it on Spotify last year. Those of you who use Spotify probably know their Daily Mixes with music you like and some new stuff in the same vibe. So back then I was listening one of mine, which had mostly Norwegian electronica in it, as I listened to it a lot at that time. And then this song played and I was rather surprised. It wasn’t really my style musically. Well, honestly, it wasn’t my style at all. And after all Alex Kunnari doesn’t really sound very Norwegian, rather Finnish (well unless he’s from Finnmark), so I was wondering a bit why it landed here. But then I started to listen to the lyrics and it suddenly caught my full attention. Oh gosh, what is this guy singing about? It sounds like… pretty much like me. :O What there was “like me” was the fact that I could relate to this song with my night experiences, which as I know now is sleep paralysis, and false awakenings. But back then, although I’ve been struggling with these and other sleep sensations regularly as long as I can remember and was very frustrated every time it happened, I didn’t have the name for it, didn’t know anyone who had it and what even more frustrating, couldn’t quite describe to anyone the content of these dreams and how it felt to have it in general. And so I felt a bit comforted hearing this, as I felt like if there’s song about it, there must be someone else on Earth, even just one person, experiencing this in one way or another too. That didn’t change anything in the grand scheme of things, but at least lessened my feeling of inadequacy which I think is strong enough in other areas of my life. So I really like this song now. 🙂

Zombie day.

So yeah I have a Zombie day today, which for me means I didn’t sleep at all last night. So no wonder I’m not feeling the best today either. But also I’ve had much worse Zombie days. And, luckily I don’t have a migraine as I thought I would have. Just had three coffees in a row and feel a bit more energised and a bit more functional. Had to have Maths in the morning, but my tutor was very understanding and I just had one hour, and Zofijka then came back from school and she had two. We’ll soon have lunch, Misha’s going to be excited ’cause we’ll have chicken. Opposite to me, he seems to have a really good time recently. Everyone has noticed he somehow became more cuddly and sociable recently, more playful. Well he is always playful, but now he even wants to initiate playing with Zofijka. Yesterday Zofijka was feeding him and when he’s eaten, he suddenly jumped on her back and just stayed there. He does sometimes jump on people’s back, but only when they clearly want to play with him. I’m glad he’s so happy and more easy-going, whatever is the cause. Well actually we just had our lunch and Misha didn’t appear. Pity, because the chicken was really yummy and spicy. I asked my Mum today to make some pictures for me, of Misha, my room, gem stones etc. so hopefully I’ll be able to post them soon and share something more with you. I really am looking forward to the evening, I hope when I’ll get some proper sleep tonight, tomorrow I’m gonna feel better emotionally. I hope you’re having a good day. 🙂

Wanna join the no sleep club? And a bit of a rant, couldn’t resist.

Hi. 🙂

So, does anyone want to join the No Sleep Club? I don’t know if there’s something similar in English, but in Polish, we have a sort of saying: if for example you say to someone “I didn’t sleep tonight” that person can say “Welcome to the club” which means she didn’t sleep either. and I had such situation with my friend when I told her I didn’t sleep very well and she said welcome to the club and then we were talking about the idea of a no sleep club. Just a place where not sleeping at night people could be together and do whatever they want, but just be glad they’re not the only ones not sleeping. How do you like the idea? 😀 Just my thoughts. 😀

SThe rest of this post is going to be almost entirely a rant, so… just be prepared:

eems like I’m not going to sleep tonight, or at least not much. Today is one of these days when it sucks more than usually because I’m feeling very crappy and depressed since Thursday I think and I was hoping to at least sleep through some more of this shitty time. But probably I just had too much sleep last time as I slept from about 1 AM until almost 10. So again my sleep cycle is ruined. It all feels even more overwhelming at night. I just feel so low I am surprised I can function in the outside world as usual, or almost as usual. I feel like it could give me some relief if I could have some outlet, I’ve tried to write about all I feel and don’t feel in my diary and maybe why, but although I was writing for quite a while and wrote down a lot of my depressive thoughts and concerns and frustrations and all, I feel like I didn’t get to the core and wasn’t able to define what it is that overwhelms me the most, like I couldn’t get it into words. In any language I know well enough to talk at least basically about all this fucking complexity of my freaking brain that sometimes barely makes sense even for myself. Well most of the time I think. So I gave up with expressing myself, I think, at least for now.

But what I noticed looking at my diary recently is that I finally seem to see any patterns or cycles in which my depressive moods, or rather more depressive than usual, tend to go. I’ve always wanted to know if it’s possible in my case to define in which part of the day, or week, or month, my mood is most low or high. And I looked at the dates of entries and saw most of these filled with lots of depressive/generally self loathing thoughts I was usually writing either on the very end of the month, or the very beginning. And when I have PMS, but that I’ve already known. I don’t know whether it could matter or not, but am going to see how it will proceed this month and in a couple next months.

I think I’ve told you my ex therapist with whom I check in from time to time on the phone, thinks I have bipolar. No one else from the mental health specialists whom I visited suggested it, but she said that in her opinion mood swings I’ve been experiencing and sudden lift ups which aren’t very high, but are visible for me and which she had seen too, can be classified as hypomania. Only that I actually didn’t have such a really upbeat mood in months now. I had days when I felt pretty neutral or even a bit higher than neutral, but nothing like I could really say that I am in a good mood, no euphoria or anything. And so recently I started to wonder if she’s right or not. I know some people have longer cycles, but then if I had such a long depression phase, with so changeable intensivity, I guess I should have a longer hypomania episode, or shouldn’t I, I don’t know, that seems to be the only thing I know right now. And then thinking about that let me again to the conclusion that if I still don’t have the diagnosis other than that reactive depression three years ago and no actual treatment, it must mean I must be totally not fitting into any criteria, maybe I’m just somehow faking it or something or making a big deal of things, or am just untreatable. Of course rationally I know people can struggle with not getting a diagnosis either psychiatric or in any other medical field, for much longer, but emotionally I can’t really get it.

Good at least my anxiety has lessened since I’m on afobam again, it makes things more manageable, this yea is really so shitty, I don’t get how I’m actually supposed to get through it, so it’s good I’m on it now. And Misha’s with me. This is such a good child. It’s often hard to get him sleep with me at night, he sleeps so much during the day he’s then full of beans in the evening, but recently he started to come to me on his own when he sees people are going to sleep and meows at me to feed him and put him to bed. 🙂 He’s just sweet. And I am working on a name game, just to not think too much, or to not overthink and I’m going to post it here later on. I hope you’ll like it too, I got the idea from Meagan a.k.a. Tulip By Any Name, but I’m making my own. I rarely have ideas about my own name games, though I love them, so I’m glad I have something to occupy my mind at least for a while. It’s nothing big, but you have to be focused on it.

This no sleep thing really frustrates me, mostly because I have Maths in the morning. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through with no sleep, but if I’ll feel very zombie-like maybe our tutor will take Zofijka during my hours. And my head started aching a few hours ago like I’m going to have a migraine soon, so yeah, seems like I’ll be having lots of fun tomorrow, or today actually, or whatever else kind of shit it’ll be then. But I didn’t have a migraine for some time already, but why do I have to have it at all? Is it really so necessary if so many people can live without it? Shit. Yeah everything seems soooo overwhelming right now, almost whatever I’ll think about.

Sorry it is so chaotic, but I’m generally very chaotic when talking about stuff like that, honestly, although I’ve been always writing a lot in my diary about my, hmmm, internal experiences, I still feel quite odd sharing my negative feelings with other people, even writing.

Really thanks for reading if you made through all this.