Five physical features that I like about myself.

   A while ago, I wrote a post inspired by a journalling prompt in the 200+ Journal Prompts Ideas for the Mind, Body and Soul book by Riley Reigns about (almost) ten things I’m really good at and today I thought I’d do another not just oh-so-self-centred but also oh-so-vain post based on a prompt from this book, which goes as follows: 

   What are 5 physical features that you love about yourself

   That previous post was fiendishly difficult for me to write, even with the help of my family, and I suppose this one is going to be quite challenging as well. While I don’t consider myself unattractive, I also donn’t think I have such physical traits that I would as much as LOVE. So instead, I’ll focus on those that I like, and we’ll see if I can come up with five. As I do usually with lists like these, instead of just listing stuff, which would be boring, uninventive and ridiculously short, I’ll try to expand on all of these as much or as little as I see fit. 

1.  My hair. I quite like my hair, specifically how thick, soft and strong it is. Most of people in my family have very thick and fast-growing hair, except for my Dad. I like that it’s very healthy, looks good and people usually compliment me on my hair, and you can do a lot with it if you want. Even when I was younger and my hypothyroidism (which I’ve had as a result of congenital hypopituitarism) was difficult to control which made my hair fall out like crazy, it still didn’t show and it didn’t look like my hair was thinning so my Mum kept saying that it’s probably for the better that I lose so much of it because God knows what would happen if I didn’t. Now I don’t lose quite as much of it and no disaster has happened so far, thankfully. As a young child, I had reeeeal long hair, which I generally really liked, and I liked the added bonus of being able to hide behind it if I didn’t want people to stare at me or something. But long hair is loads of hassle, so even though I still love the idea in theory, in practice it’s a different kettle of fish. Thick hair can be quite a lot of trouble if, like me, you don’t do a whole lot with your hair. It grows really quickly, so I have to have a haircut once a month or sometimes more often, and I hate having my hair cut and everything to do with it, I generally hate people messing with my hair and I totally don’t get how it can be relaxing for some people. :O Because it’s so thhick, haircuts and other hairdressing maintenance and stuff takes longer than with average-thick hair. Actually recently one hairdresser told me that she never had to do with more difficult hair than mine. Though my Mum said that probably means she just hasn’t had much experience in general. Even with my short-ish hairstyle (currently it’s with a strong emphasis on the -ish part ‘cause I haven’t had it cut in over a month and of course it also depends on a specific hairstyle I’m having at a given time, but usually my hair-length oscillates somewhere within the short-ish spectrum these days) I sometimes simply don’t have enough either physical energy or brainergy to wash my hair and do stuff with it, the more that when you have frequent migraines, playing around with your hair feels even more annoying while you’re migraine-y, and even though I most of the time don’t need to worry overly about hairstyles anymore, like I said I still have to have it cut more or less regularly. I’mm also not overly thrilled about its colour, which is kind of mousey and just not all that exciting. Someone once told me that it would be super cool if I died my black hair, and so that was what I promptly did, the more that my Gothic interests started to emerge. I liked it, and I got a lot of positive feedback from people. What irked me though was the fact that it was difficult to find black/deep dark brown dyes that wouldn’t have a reddish shade to it, which I didn’t like the idea of and which apparently didn’t make the effect so good either. So eventually, as my Celtic interests started to grow, I decided that if I have to have some red in my hair, I’d much rather be a full-blown redhead than a reddish brunette or something like that, and so I was happily a redhead for a while, which I also got a lot of positive feedback on and I don’t even know which I liked more, having properly black or red hair. However, we’ve already established that my hair grows like crazy, and when I did all those experiments I was still going to the boarding school, so I could only dye my hair (or rather my Mum did for me to be specific) when I was at home, and I was at home on average once a month, so my roots would start to show quickly. Also, since I don’t like people playing with my hair, I dreaded the procedure itself. Then the second in my life major depressive episode hit me and I just stopped bothering with it, and have never bothered with it since anymore. 
2. My eyelashes. As much as I don’t like my eyebrows and would like them to be at least a bit thicker and a bit darker, I do quite like my eyelashes. I don’t know if there’s some big reason why. I just do. They’re cool, and it’s considered a good thing  to have thick eyelashes it seems. It looks like you’re dreamy, and I am dreamy, so that happens to be pretty accurate. And, for what it’s worth, I remember that my late friend Jacek from Helsinki told me once that apparently it’s the most striking physical part of me, whatever he meant, but I guess he meant it as a positive thing or otherwise he probably wouldn’t have said that. I only don’t like them when they get inside my eyes and I can’t get them out. 😀 
3. My fingers. I have long fingers, and I think that’s more practical than to have short fingers, and for some reason I generally like long fingers in humans. Ever since Sofi was born, I’ve loved her fingers to pieces. I also really liked to play with my Dad’s fingers when I was a kid, I even still do sometimes. I remember once sitting in the living room with Dad as he was watching the telly, and overhearing Mum talking to someone how “Jacek has such shapeless fingers” This was weird because it’s not something my Mum would tell like that to someone else, even if she thought so. My Dad did indeed have an accident as a teenager that affected his hand and fingers. He was grinding food for ducks and accidentally put his hand into the machine as it was working. He ended up with 34 stitches in his hand and had it in some sort of a cast or something for a year. It’s apparently some sort of miracle that he can actually use it, let alone that he’s still as marvellously dexterous as he is. One of his fingers is kind of crooked and there is still some scarring and marks from the stitches visible and palpable, nonetheless, I would never call his fingers shapeless. In fact, I think they’re very shapely and strong. And so, whether that was something that my Mum actually said or something my mind made up, I felt really indignant and sad and concerned that he might have heard it too, so I just started playing with them and that’s what I did ever since whenever we sat together. My fingers are definitely not as strong and as big as his, which I’m perfectly okay with being a woman, haha, in fact they’re very small and soft and people tell me all the time that I have baby hands, which is a bit weird but oh well okay. 😀 My fingers are also nowhere near as dexterous as my Dad’s, but that’s definitely not the fault of my fingers as such, rather, it’s my brain and coordination that is to blame. 
4. My figure. Well… I have very mixed feelings about this. I’m thin and curvy, with large breasts, defined waist and wide hips. Apparently, it’s the “ideal” shape of a female body but I’m not sure what exactly ideal means in this context and for whom it’s so ideal. 😀 On one hand, as a female, I do like looking decidedly feminine, and I like being thin. But other than that, I don’t really like my boobs. I don’t think they need to be THIS huge to still make me fit into the “ideal” category, but I can’t do anything about it because coincidentally, I also happen to have mild pectus excavatum (a chest deformity) which from what I’ve heard would make mammoplasty complicated. The more that apparently the combo of pectus excavatum plus large boobs is uncommon, as pectus excavatum much more often co-occurs with boobs that are too small. As it is, I think it’s quite unhealthy, given that I tend to be either underweight or close to it, as sometimes it feels like my weight consists mainly of my bust. 😀 It’s not practical either, bra shopping is a nightmare. But overall, I guess I could have been in a much worse situation, and I’d rather have a lot of boobs than for example be overweight so that there would be a lot of me in general. 
5. My skin. Aside from that it can get dry and itchy in winter, I generally feel very lucky in this regard and grateful about my skin being so easy to maintain, though I guess it’s only now that I’m writing this that I’m fully realising it. 😀 I”ve always liked my light complexion, especially when I was a Goth but I still do, unless I don’t have proper sunscreen when it’s needed and go red in the sunlight. Generally, I have a very soft skin without having to do much about it, even when it’s actually always more on the dry side, so no huge skincare routines here, I only sometimes need to moisturise it or have an occasional face peeling. Even when my thyroid was bad, I didn’t have most of the classic manifestations of hypothyroidism that a lot of people with this condition talk about and seem to struggle with a lot. On the other hand, I’ve never had bad acne either, despite it has plagued Sofi very badly, and my Mum struggled with it a lot too. I’ll get an odd pimple when Jack the Ripper (period) is about to arrive but nothing dramatic, though perhaps a part of why it never gets dramatic is that I never pop pimples because I think it is more gross than actually having them, though I can understand it must be different for sighted people. Apparently if your skin has more of a tendency to dryness and not much acne you could get wrinkles earlier than people who get a lot of acne, but I don’t think I mind that very much, I guess wrinkles are less problematic than acne and at least stranger people will no longer automatically assume I’m Sofi’s peer lol. The only thing that I definitely don’t like about my skin is the amount of moles I have, which is surely genetic as both my Mum and my gran on Dad’s side also do. When I was little my Dad used to say they’re “beauty spots” but I totally don’t get that and would get rid of them all if there weren’t any potential complications of that. I just hope I wonn’t get hair growing on them like my  gran. 😀 

WOW, I did it! Go Bibiel!!! But I’m pretty sure that if it would be six, I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything else. And if I did it, so can you! 

   So, what are your five things? Or feel free to name more, if you wish. 🙂 

Ways of showing gratitude to others. And how about yourself? List of the former, and my (probably biased) musings about the latter.

Gosh, what a wordy and clumsy title! But I didn’t have any more graceful-sounding ideas and didn’t want it to be too bland either.

A while back, I bought myself another book to work with for my journal, and also for blog post inspirations, about the existence of which, again, I learned from Astrid at

A Multitude of Musings.

It’s Listify, written by Marina Greenway, and as you can guess from the title, it focuses mostly on lists. The first part of this book is all about gratitude, and the first list idea is the following:

   Ways I can show gratitude to myself and others

It’s important to show others we appreciate and care about them, but it’s equally important to acknowledge ourselves and all we do. List the ways you can do so, and challenge yourself to do one from each list everyday.

As for the challenging myself part, I wrote the original list in my journal a few days ago and decided to indeed do these things to show my gratitude to people. So far I don’t find it particularly difficult as it’s mostly my close family, and of course I’m doing the MIMRA which is also one huge act of gratitude but also a whole lot of fun for me. I suppose though with people I’d feel less comfortable around I’d have more problems with some of these points, but I’ll try anyway when there will be an opportunity, as gratitude is a good thing, obviously.

Below is the list of ways of showing gratitude to others that I’ve come up with so far.

   Gratitude to others

•    Simply say “thank you” or acknowledge in any other verbal way that I appreciate what they did.
• Give them an appreciative hug or show them affection in some other way.
• Compliment or praise them, or say anything nice that could boost their mood or confidence.
• Help in any way I can.
• Be attentive to their needs and show them my interest in them and that I care about them.
• Listen carefully and actively.
• Do something that may make them happier or even just make them laugh or smile.
• smile to them.
• spend time with them.
• Do random acts of kindness for them.
• Be there for them when they need it.
• Do the same thing for them that they did to me, if applicable.
• Give them something nice that they will enjoy, like a care package.
• Give some of my free time and energy to them, even when I could use it to do something else that I may like more.
• Be patient with them.
• Offer advice if wanted.
• Remember about them – for example, when doing shopping for myself I may do it for them as well if they need it, or if I see something that I know they like I can get it for them, or at least tell them that I saw it and where so that they know I often think about them and know what they like. –
• Write something nice about them, or for them, as writing often feels easier than talking to me.
• Give them their favourite meal or treat.
• Find a book or music they could like, again, to show them that I care and know something about them.

Can you come up with anything more? Please do share in the comments, unless you prefer to write a separate post and pingback, whatever feels better. 🙂

   Self-gratitude

Now that was (and is) a tricky thing to me. Not just implementing it, but generally the concept. I don’t know, perhaps I’m seeing it in a very inflexible way, and most likely, just like I wrote in the title, my view of this is very biased, but I can’t really see much sense in self-gratitude. Maybe I just don’t understand it well. As I was preparing to write this post, after I read some things online about it, thinking that perhaps they will enlighten me (which they didn’t) I asked my Mum what she thinks about it, whether she has ever felt it, and if she has any ideas about how one could express it, and also how it’s different from self-care or taking pride in your accomplishments. My Mum had a similar view on this and actually started laughing and said that to her it also doesn’t make much sense, because according to her in a way it implies that there would be another self inside of you to whom you could be grateful for example for doing something you yourself wouldn’t think about doing, or wouldn’t be able. Like: “Oh, thanks, self, for reminding me that I should set my alarm at 6 AM, I don’t want to sleep in”. 😀 I mean, do any of you really think like this – say you’re driving somewhere, and instead of taking your usual route you have a gut feeling to take a roundabout one, and later you learn that on your usual route there was a huge traffic jam because there was an accident earlier – would you think: “Oh yay, thank me!”? If you would, it’s not at all that I think it’s wrong for anyone to do this and I think you shouldn’t, I’m just curious and would like to know because it’s certainly not my default reaction and I would probably burst out with laughter if I tried to force myself to it.

What I assume people understand as self-gratitude, is for example when you had an exam and passed it very well, you learned for ages until your brain got so swollen it nearly burst out of your skull and you mainly focused on this goal of passing this particular exam because it’s important for you, so perhaps you often refused yourself many things you liked and spent most of your time with your nose in the books despite you didn’t particularly enjoy it. But you did pass the exam and you’re euphoric, so now you can go for a huge dinner plus some very fancy coffee and an ice-cream dessert, then go to the spa and have a massage and then go shopping for things you really enjoy shopping for, because this is your way of thanking yourself for your perseverance, determination and for achieving your goal.

And that’s all good. But, just like I said earlier when asking my Mum, how’s that different from just regular self-care or celebrating your accomplishments? It seems like it should if it has a different name, and when I was thinking about a potential list of ways to show myself gratitude, I thought it was just a list of self-care activities.

Perhaps I don’t think in such a “Thank me” way, because I am a Christian, and rather than thank myself, a much more natural thing for me is to thank God. Like, when it’s a nice day and the weather is lovely and there’s a lot of crunchy, fallen leaves for Misha outside, I’d rather say “Thank you, God, for giving me the idea to go out and refresh my brain, and thank you for the lovely weather and that there are so many beautiful leaves for Misha here” than something like “Thank me for going out”. It just feels totally unnatural to me, and I’m not just talking about the “thank me” form which I’m mostly using in a humourous way to emphasise just how unnatural and awkward the whole thing seems to me. I may rather say: “Oh, I’m so glad I went out” or: “What a great idea I had that I got some leaves for Misha” (that’s still not my typical inner dialogue as I’m normally way more self-critical and sarcastic with myself but at least something I’m trying to aim for).

When thinking about any accomplishments, I don’t really think of them in a way that I’m grateful to myself for them. For example, I am quite proud of my language learning accomplishments but am not grateful to myself for them. It’s not my merit that I have good linguistic skills, I didn’t get to choose them at birth or program my brain to pick up languages easily. Neither is it really my merit that I’m learning Welsh now, because I wouldn’t be able to do it if the people who did the course wouldn’t create it, if my Swedish teacher didn’t show me how to learn a language on my own and didn’t always believe in me and that I can do it, if I wasn’t taught how to use technology and if my Dad wouldn’t be employing me so I could actually allow myself for paying for the courses, buying Welsh speech synths, Welsh books and what not without stressing myself about it. Thinking according to Christian faith, I wouldn’t even be able to take any action having all these things if I wouldn’t get the idea from Holy Spirit. Okay, I guess I could be grateful to myself for acting upon that idea and not wasting the skills I have, but in what special way should I show this gratitude to myself? Sometimes I also have a sort of self-gratitude feeling when I feel really euphoric about something so my self-esteem also goes up but that’s very much fleeting and not a mature, serious kind of feeling so the more I don’t know in what way I could act on it.

Going my Mum’s trail of thought, that it sounds like we should be grateful to some other self, well, perhaps that makes some sense when we think that our personalities are made up of different parts. There may be, speaking in a very basic way, a part of us that is more prone to do good things, and another one that makes us do things that we regret later. So we may be grateful to that “good” part. Perhaps that’s what it’s all about. Or I’ve mentioned on this blog sometimes how I have this part of myself that I call Bibiel, who is very childlike and humourous and eccentric and always talks about Bibiel-self in first person and who is like a mentally healthier sort of, less inhibited version of me whom I actually genuinely like. So maybe the clue is that I should feel grateful to Bibiel? Actually I sort of am, because without Bibiel I’m not sure where I’d be now, and Bibiel helps me with a lot of things. Perhaps I should be more grateful to my inner self-critic Maggie when she’s not as critical of me as she is usually, and maybe that will make her feel better?

My Mum goes as far as to say that all these self- things only make people more conceited. I think that’s a rather huge overstatement because it’s definitely important to be kind to yourself and love yourself, as much for your mental, physical and emotional, as spiritual wellbeing and even the wellbeing of others, though there is certainly a risk of this as these days we hear about alll things self- all the time and it’s easy to lose balance between what’s still self-love and what’s already conceit, in my opinion.

So my view of this is definitely strongly influenced by the fact that I’m a practicing Christian, someone who is not might think differently, as well as the fact that I have avoidant personality disorder, which has quite a strong influence on how I feel about myself. And it’s because of AVPD that I think I may be biased here.

So I’d like to hear your thoughts about this. Do you practice self-gratitude? If so, in what ways and how would you define it? In what ways would you say is it different from self-care and celebrating your accomplishments? Am I missing out on something huge here? Let me know. I may not be able to share your opinion, but that doesn’t matter as far as I’m concerned, and who knows, you may even convince me. 🙂 Oh yeah, and let me know if you can think of some other ways to show gratitude to other people perhaps ones that you use yourself that I didn’t list.