How are you feeling, today?
First let me give you a little background, particularly for those who are my newer followers, but also for you all to update you on what has happened.
I’ve got my finals results today. They’re pretty much as I supposed them to be. I got 49% from Polish. Could be better, but it’s OK, given that it was my first exam in a row and how stressed I was and that some questions were a bit weird and I just didn’t know how I should answer them the best and what they actually expect from me. English – 92% – I thought it would be pretty high. Extended English was 82%. I also know I could do it better, but it’s still a very good score, and I’m happy about it, and I suppose that the reason why I didn’t make it better was that when I was writing an essay one of the teachers in the committee talked something constantly to me which really distracted me and pissed me off, while the essay was the most important part of the stuff. And, now, dear people, maths. There was 30% minimum to get to pass it. Being said many times how spectacular I am at failing anything Math related, and how much of a wreck I was then emotionally, how do you think? How much could I get?
… 16% Lovely, innit? 😀 How could I nail it so! No, seriously, I’m curious how I got that 16% I just felt so totally brainwashed during that exam.
I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh when my Mum told me it in the morning, but because I supposed it to be so, and because I cried over those things way too much in the past, I just snorted. I took it very lightly ad my Mum noticed it of course. She said “I see you don’t care at all” – Maybe not at all – I said – but I thought and cared about it so long before and I knew it would be so. Or I supposed so.
Don’t get me wrong, of course I would love to get a higher score at it, at least that minimum 30%, just to have it done, it’s sure not a nice feeling to fail so spectacularly at such an exam, I feel sorta disappointed even though I expected it to be this way. But as I said, I expected it, I was pretty sure that despite that miracle I wrote about in May about my oral Polish exam when I just passed it with 100% another miracle can’t happen in this case, I just didn’t write enough, I just didn’t do how to do many of the tasks so I just left them, or completely improvised, just to write anything and not make the committee suspicious about my knowledge, it’s not their business to judge me, it would look weird if I’d give them back blank pages, so have to write anything, in hopes maybe something will enlighten me and it will be right, that’s how I did it. Despite years of preparations. And another thing is that I just haven’t any speciffic, just ANY plans for the future. I just don’t know anything what I would like and could do at the same time. Might seem weird for you knowing how much things interest me etc. but that’s the truth. It feels pretty hopeless when you think about it more, but I got used to it. I wanted to study Celtic Studies if I’d pass the finals, and that would be cool, but that would be just for studying, what could I do here after Celtic studies? Can’t think of many things. Moving anywhere doesn’t seem a real option so far either. It all’s generally very complicated.
Anyway, my Mum didn’t really set her mind and prepared emotionally to the fact I may not pass, despite I told her it’s pretty likely and she was worried, but clung to some little hope she had. And now she’s making lots of fuss about it. I already told everyone interested much longer before the finals that I am just taking them to check myself and my abilities, to see if I can pass all the exams and that I’m gonna try to look at it as lightly as possible, and that I’m not gonna rewrite maths if I fail it, unless I’ll have only a few points less from the minimum, then maybe I could try again. But otherwise it’s pointless, if I wasn’t able to prepare well enough in all those years, what can I do until taking it again, it would be pretty unlikely I would pass it the second time. And they seemed OK with it. But now my Mum can’t get it that I’m not gonna take maths again. No one seems to accept it.
Of course she notified everyone who asked her how I did and they all are so pitiful and so insistent, everyone has handfuls of good advices for me, but they just don’t get it from my perspective. They can’t, and I don’t expect it from them, but I also don’t expect and don’t need all that fuss they make and how they all feel for me more than I do for myself.
The situation with the exams and various people really getting the shit out of me started lots of other stuff going on for me emotionally today, not directly related to exams thing at all. I just slipped into a sort of AVPD and depressive hell.
So, finally, as for how I feel, I don’t have many words for it. Shitty. Like a depressed pile of stinky and sticky shit. I’m sick of my own brain and of people and of everything, I actually think I’m triggered in some way, and I just feel too many things that I don’t even know how to describe, and very different things, as if I was a bit disintegrated emotionally, so I can’t write much about it now. I’ll maybe write more in length later on, tomorrow or something, or maybe it’ll become more manageable TO COPE WITH BY MYSELF, but right now I just don’t have that many words I could use for my feelings, and I’m going to try to sleep in a while even though it’s JUST 10 PM, to shut off my brain for as long as possible and because I just feel so wiped out physically, and I’m afraid that if I’ll stay awake much longer I might end up self harming or something because I just can’t cry or anything and I need to get it out somehow but I can’t, so maybe sleep will help. I think I’d give up much earlier and cut but as you may remember my grandparents’ have their 50th wedding anniversary on Saturday and it would be hard for me to cut so that no one would notice it then because I have a dress with exposed arms and it’s not that very long either, plus it may be hot on Saturday so a lot of my skin would be exposed. So that’s I guess the only one reason why I haven’t done it yet because the urge’s pretty strong. I don’t want anyone to notice and I don’t want to do it to my grandad, particularly not now. He seems to be the only one who still at least tries to understand me, believes in me and stands by my side, although he’s not objective either, because he has ALWAYS supported me no matter what the circumstances were like and I think he would still stand by my side even if I did something really objectively morally disgusting.
I am sorry it’s all a little chaotic, the situation is pretty complicated and I’ll write more details about it later on, if I’ll find the right words and if I’ll still feel like doing it. I hope I didn’t worry anyone with my self harm urges, I promise you guys I won’t do anything today, I think I’m too exhausted. It’s just all so overwhelming. I wouldn’t think it would be so. I wanted it to be a nice day, regardless of what my results will be like. But it was gross.
How are you doing? 🙂