Question of the day (29th April).

What personality trait has been the most useful to you?

My answer:

I think I could say that my distance to myself and situations in my life, other people and the world in general. What I mean by it, is that I am able to usually laugh at things that are happening, at myself, at things people do, approach them with some sense of humour, usually either a bit dark or cynnical but not necessarily, even if things aren’t easy, and even though, because of my overactive inner self-critic called Maggie and the AVPD thing, when it comes to myself, I can also be quite sensitive to criticism at the same time. It may be a bit paradoxical and I guess it is, but I think it’s completely possible to have both some distance to yourself and be able to laugh at yourself and things you do and things people say to you, and at the same time be very critical of yourself, sensitive to criticism or even things like self-loathing, I know other people who are like that and don’t have the best self-esteem yet are able to have a distance, at least outwardly. I think for such people it’s actually even more important to keep some distance from themselves. It has helped me to keep possibly sane in lots of situations throughout my life, and it is also a very good coping skill and a protective mechanism in my opinion, and makes engaging with people slightly easier for both sides.

You? 🙂

Working On Us – rejection.

I haven’t participated in Working On Us by Beckie of

Beckie’s Mental Mess

for a while, so I thought I would this week. THe topic of this week’s mental health prompt is rejection.

1. Have you ever been rejected by family/friends because of your mental illness/disorder?

No. I think it’s mostly simply because I usually do not tell people about my mental illness or such things, or if I do it’s very briefly if necessary. I have experienced some negative or invalidating reactions, in particular from my Dad, which often felt very hurtful to me, but I wouldn’t call that rejection. Rather a lack of understanding and flexibility in thinking. My Mum is very supportive in all sorts of practical ways and I wouldn’t do without her, she is also more open-minded than my Dad, she tries to understand it but it’s often not easy for her as she’s never experienced things that I have, and often says hurtful things more or less unintentionally. I used to struggle much more with that but I’ve never thought that it could be their way of rejecting me. Other people are far more likely to reject me because of my blindness than mental illness.

2. Has anyone mistreated you to the point you felt like you were nothing?

Don’t know if it made me exactly feel “as if I were nothing” but I had experienced some emotional abuse at school, particularly from one of the boarding school staff, who was humiliating me in a veiled way and diminishing me and all I did, which caused me a lot of confusion and feelings of inadequacy, and made my self-esteem drop quite a bit, and it never was particularly high. It took me a lot of time, only as an adult, to figure all that out and make some sense of that situation, because for a long time I felt like it kind of wasn’t real and that I perhaps misunderstood her words or actions or something like that. There were also many other situations there where I felt like people were making me feel very shitty about myself but it wasn’t as bad and I think wouldn’t even affect me as much as it did if not my overall life situation – that I was miles away from my family and could never fully adapt there. – When I got older I frequently experienced quite spectacular reactions of people to my disability, like, I assume some people must be terribly afraid of catching optic nerve hypoplasia from me or something, I’ve had people treating me like I was a mass of air. That felt very unpleasant for sure and as if I was nothing to them, but I can’t say I cared very much or felt significantly hurt, it was frustrating and annoying, but more funny than seriously hurtful, it’s funny when people are so silly that they’re so scared of you that they can’t talk coherently when they see you. 😀 It’s paradoxical when people are scared of you and you’re a sociophobic.
3. Have you ever confronted the person/persons that have made you feel this way?

No. When it comes to that staff person, I was a child then, I didn’t really feel safe talking to her at all, let alone confronting her, also, I’m sure you guys know how it is with toxic people, emotional abuse and all that. I actually had no clear idea what was going on. I wouldn’t think it was abuse or that she was treating me wrong in any way. First because I was a child, even if fairly intelligent and enjoying observing and analysing people’s behaviours, and second because it’s all always so veiled and subtle, I wouldn’t know how to talk about it to her and not sound irrational or something. I think I would still have trouble in such a situation if it happened to me now, it’s just tricky. I tried talking to another staff member who was a really competent person and whom I quite liked, but she didn’t really get it, I honestly don’t think she believed it because that other woman was always so positive and everyone saw it, so how could she do such things? I only talked to her because my Mum told me to do so.

4. If the answer to #3 is “Yes”, was anything resolved?

When talking to that staff member didn’t help my Mum talked to her – that other staff member, not the one who was nasty to me – and things have changed a little for good, but not significantly.

5. Has rejection changed you in any way? ie… Self-Esteem, Depression, and/or changed your opinion the way you feel towards the human race as a whole?
Wellyes it did. I have avoidant personality disorder in which fear of being rejected is one of the features, and it often develops in people who have experienced it early in life. I had never thought about it this way, but some time ago my Mum wanted to talk about it and her theory is that when I went to that school (I was 5) I might have felt rejected by my family and confused about what was happening. I just never saw it this way, I always thought it was normal I must be there and that the problem is rather that I can’t adjust there and accept the situation. But perhaps when I was 5 I didn’t understand what it was all about, why I had to be away from home, and why people were coming and going, or taking me home for a few days and then leaving me there again. This theory makes sense to me now. But obviously I don’t blame my parents now or anything like that because I know they didn’t feel like they had a choice and their motive wasn’t that they wanted to get rid of me. But I think such an experience could successfully make me more sensitive to rejection. I wouldn’t say this is the strongest AVPD symptom in me, like that the primary reason why I avoid people, why I struggle with social situations, why I don’t do socialising is because I’m afraid of rejection. I don’t think that’s most important here, though at the same time it’s hard to say what is that core thing, I just think it’s a mixture of loads of things. I’ve heard about many people with this disorder struggling with this particular thing the most of all. For me, I’m not desperate for acceptance from everyone, I won’t typically tell you that I like something just so we would agree and be friends and would like me or I won’t tell you my opinion on something because yours may be different. I don’t go around in search of people who will accept me and if some relationship doesn’t go well or if I see that someone doesn’t really feel the connection I won’t desperately try to keep them. I do value my individuality even if at the same time I hate it because it makes me feel like such a flippin’ alien. I guess when I interact with people, they may see I’m anxious or depressed or such things, but I think I’m pretty good with hiding my AVPD related difficulties in daily life or in casual interactions with people, but perhaps that’s just what I think. I have no problem with, for example, people I know online for a little while when they suddenly stop writing back to me or something, unless there are some other things involved, but when it’s people I feel attached to that reject me or I feel that they reject me it’s crushing. For me, the fear of rejection manifests more in the way that I hate being clingy, for example, I just hate clinginess, both in myself and in other people. I don’t want to feel like a burden for people or someone needy, either emotionally or in any other way, yet I often strongly feel like I am. I often don’t let myself close enough to people I would like to be close with, and keep at least a bit of a distance, ’cause then they can’t reject me. Or if I have a possibility, first I do an in-depth observation and analysis of a person before I start talking to them. With people with whom I am more close with I always sort of have a radar on, which is in a way very yucky and a bit paranoid, I think I have this particular tendency from my Dad, but then again, I’ll do everything for them not to realise that. Often I’m just simply scared of closeness with people. I’ve realised some time ago that I often test people that I meet and that I feel we could be friends, or when I just feel very insecure, I do it often almost unconsciously, kind of automatically. I virtually only realised I’m doing it when I got diagnosed and was reading about it a lot, I had no clearer idea before that. It feels quite yucky too but you do have to protect your brain don’t you? You’ve got only one and when it’s already screwed up to begin with you have to be careful. I suppose they’re not aware of that testing thing, or maybe it’s just my wishful thinking. It feels rather gross when you think about yourself that you’re “testing people”, but that’s true, even if not always fully voluntary. If the test is negative, I have the possibility to retreat before they reject me, it makes me feel more in control of my own life and feelings. I’m often afraid though that I would become attached to someone so much that I won’t be able to notice it in case they would no longer accept me for whatever reason or never truly did, and then they would suddenly reject me without me even being able to prepare for it emotionally in advance and accept it.

6. Or, has rejection done the opposite and made your stronger and more resilient?
I don’t think so, but I do think my tolerance for it has increased over time.

Working On Us – self care.

It’s week #12 of Working On Us, a mental health prompts series hosted by Beckie of

Beckie’s Mental Mess 

and the topic of this week is self care. Gonna be tricky, but let’s try. I’m going to participate in prompt #1. Here goes.

 

  1. Were their signs of your self-care routine lacking before you were officially diagnosed with a mental illness/disorders? – Yes, definitely, especially that all my official mental health diagnoses are relatively recent. I think I’ve struggled with self care my entire life, and not only due to mental illnesses. For a long time I wasn’t concerned about my appearance at all, which had surely to do with my blindness. Since I didn’t look at people and care about their appearance, why the heck would they look at me and care about mine? And I just wasn’t interested in that. I am still not, and I’m still not particularly caring about my appearance, when I feel OK I just do the minimum to look OK, I never do makeup at all, I hate clothes shopping, I don’t even do this myself, my Mum likes similar things to me in terms of clothing and she knows what I like and look OK in so she is my stylist as I say. Then when things with my mental health started slipping down fast, which I can’t even tell now when exactly it started happening, my self care routine slipped down too. It’s all very complex and layered and not even fully understandable to me why I experience all the difficulties with self care that I experience. As I said in a way it’s that I don’t care, then I’ve never had healthy self-esteem so on the other hand I feel sort of like even if I did care how I look like, I don’t deserve such things as self care, my inner critic cringes even at the sound of this word. I’ve got a deeply ingrained conviction in my brain that I am very emotionally weak because of what happened to me and how I reacted to all that, and also I hate feeling vulnerable and showing my vulnerability both because it makes me feel weak and even more insecure around other people. And then there is depression, which sometimes just makes my self-esteem even worse, sometimes it gives me so many other things to care/worry about that I just don’t find the time and space for self care and it feels very unimportant, or I don’t have the energy for it. And on top of that, there is the fact that I am not very independent, I need relatively much assistance with a lot of things, well it’s hard to make comparisons especially that I hate comparisons but what I mean is that I often need at least some help with certain self care activities that a fair few blind people I know can do on their own, and there are probably other things involved too that I either can’t think of right now or don’t fully realise. So when my mental health started slipping down, I started doing things like not eating on purpose when I felt hungry, not for weight related reasons but I’d say as a way of punishing myself but also distracting from what I felt, my emetophobia which was very bad at that time played also a role in it. It wasn’t like I wouldn’t eat at all and I tried not to make it obvious but at some point one of the staff at the boarding school noticed some things and was worried I am anorectic though I wasn’t. I often deliberately didn’t do things that were bringing me pleasure when I could do them, and I started self-harming, though in fact I was doing mild self-harm a lot of the time since I can remember. Pain has often been comforting for me or at least distracting, or my inner critic whom I call Maggie in English would just punish me this way. Or I would do things like when I felt cold I deliberately didn’t put warmer clothes on either to distract from my feelings or to feel that weird and crazy satisfaction that I am doing something against myself and that I could manifest how I hated myself. A lot of those things have gotten milder now or disappeared because my life circumstances are now different and my self-awareness is a little bit better.
  2. Did you (or) do you suffer from low self-esteem? – Yes. One of the things I’ve been diagnosed with is AVPD (avoidant personality disorder) which is very tightly related to having very low self-esteem. I really don’t like to talk about my self-esteem because it makes me so much more vulnerable and it’s not fun when people know such things about you, the more that deep down I have a feeling that they already know it because it’s obvious, but also because it’s hard to talk about it honestly in an open and raw way and not sound whiney and I hate sounding whiney. I try to change it on my blog where it’s much easier, but still difficult, hence this post is a little bit tricky for me. My inner critic Maggie is very good at her role and I have that niggling, snarky feeling about myself always there in the back of my mind. I do have times when my self-esteem goes higher, sometimes for a while it goes veeery high if there is something that makes me feel really good about myself or accomplished but then it doesn’t take much to crash in a big way and I end up self-loathing. When I feel more depressed or overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings I loathe myself for days or weeks very intensely and then self care is more challenging and it’s hard not to self harm.
  3. Is there (or) have there been stages of guilt when not properly taking care of your self-care routine? – Hm, well, I deal with guilt a lot while depressed and then it doesn’t need a specific reason for me to feel guilty, but I guess I never or very rarely feel seriously guilty specifically because of lack of self care, unless I look really horrific or something happens because of it that affects other people in a bad way.
  4. (You can refrain from answering the next question if you wish to).  What was the longest period of time between taking a shower, and/or brushing your teeth? – I try to always shower or take a bath, I’d have to be suuuper unstable not to do it or extremely wiped out and my energy rarely goes that low solely because of mental health as I only have dysthymia and not major depression so it’s not normal for me to feel so very drained. Taking a shower actually often helps me to feel better and calmer. Sometimes when I’m really depressed/overwhelmed/self-hating I only have a very quick shower just to get it over with as quickly as possible, or in turn I can sometimes stand in the shower for ages with my brain either running a mile a minute so I’m too absorbed in my own anxious/dark thoughts to do anything else in the meantime, or frozen because of the depression, and I go out of the shower and realise that: “Aha, cool, I didn’t even wash myself. Oh well, who cares. Let’s better go off to sleep”. 😀 So, completely without showering, I remember a time when I was 15 and didn’t shower for 3 days, and that’s the only single incident with not showering for a few days because of mental health stuff that I can think of. Brushing teeth is tricky. I hated doing it as a child for a while because of the sensory feel of it, then when my emetophobia got bad when I was a teen there was a situation when I saw my Dad brushing his teeth, and he was brushing his tongue so very energetically that he gagged and I was like “Oh no, no teeth brushing for me anymore, I don’t want this to happen to me!”. And it was really tough for me to brush my teeth until my emetophobia calmed down a little bit and I was able to talk some sense into myself that people don’t normally just gag when brushing their teeth. 😀 On the other hand, because I hate having things other than food in my mouth, also because of that same fear, I am also scared of the dentist visits and such, so I try to take care of my teeth. But still, when I feel shitty, I don’t care and I don’t brush my teeth or I do it very superficially. I can’t remember for how long it was when I was so scared of brushing teeth because of that gagging thing, but I can sometimes go without brushing teeth for 3 weeks or so. Then when I don’t do it for so long, I easily plain forget to do it sometimes, as I can be very scatterbrained. I am one of those lucky folks though because I’ve never even had a single cavity or any such things.
  5. If you are supposed to be going out for whatever occasion, are you concerned with your over-all appearance?  (Or) Do you take care of your self-care needs before leaving the house? – It depends whether I am concerned or not and how much on how I’m feeling, if I am concerned then usually because I feel so self-conscious than because I want to look well. I do basic self care things before going out though even if I’m not concerned, just for the peace of mind, because I should. 😀
  6. What advice can you give to someone who is having difficulty with their self-care routine?  (Note: If someone was to ask for your advice, what would you share with them?) – Oh gosh! That if they need a good self care advice, they shouldn’t come for it to me, because I’m anything but a self care guru. 😀 No, I’m kidding of course, but it’s really hard to advise people on something you struggle with yourself, it feels hypocritical. Wait a moment, I have to think… I think what I can say is that you are certainly not alone with it, most people with mental illness struggle with self care, and it is OK to admit that you are struggling, that you don’t feel like focusing on your appearance, that you are not into it at this moment, it’s OK and it is valid, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty about it if you do, because it just happens, it’s not something you chose to happen, did you? It’s important how you look, but it’s not the most important thing in the world, not the most important thing about you either, and you don’t always have to look glamourous, especially that it is such a subjective thing, and, let’s be objective for a second, most people care and worry too much about how they look to judge everyone else’s appearance and whether it is appropriate. And that everything in life is transient, so there are big chances that you won’t always struggle with it as much as you do right now. Uhhh what a lengthy post haha!

Question of the day.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My answer:

Recently I’ve been dealing a lot with feeling inadequate, and that’s the first thing that comes to my mind now. It’s a bit of a paradox, because I generally like being different and feeling different, I never wanted to fit in perfectl ywell an dnever tried to, but at the same time I have those feelings of being inadequate very strong, and in some situations they can be a big struggle to deal with.

You? 🙂

Music Monday Care & Love – Curly Strings – “Miks Sa Murrad Mind?” (Why DO You Break Me?).

Hi guys! 🙂

And so I am taking part in another

Music Monday Care & Love

maybe a little late, but I think it’s much better late than never, especially since it lasts until Sunday. 😀

Last week, Bee encouraged us to just being and sitting still, to do it as a self care activity. That was a fabulous idea for me, but also a bit of a challenge as I’ve always been struggling with it quite a lot. Surprisingly, at the first day when I tried to do it last week with a little help from Misha, it went really well, I mean, much better than I expected. So I continued throughout the week, with the exception of Thursday when I was just too anxious and messed up and wired that it actually wouldn’t work out at all. But even during the weekend, which was also full of anxiety for me, I managed to do it for five-ish minutes everyday, always with invaluable help of Misha. it definitely wasn’t always easy, but I tried, and will continue if I can, because I feel like although it’s so hard, it often indeed helps my brain to shut off for a while. Music helped me with it hugely as well. When I was in so much anxiety at the weekend it was very hard for me to stand the silence so I listened to Enya’s music, to my favourite album “The Memory Of Trees”, which always soothes me a lot, well Enya is generally like an antidote for me. I am lucky to live in the town, but have all of the charms of the countryside as well, as we are on the outskirts, so I could also, like Bee, listen to the nature. On Sunday we even went to the beach, not for long as it started to rain just after we arrived, but still, we were able to stay there for a while and relish the sound of the sea combined with the rain and storm.

And this week, Bee invites us to not only be still, but also to focus on our breath. That sounded a bit easier to me when I read it, as I already had some more experience with just being, and now as I could focus on something, it seemed like even more doable. Turned out it doesn’t necessarily have to be like this, it is also a challenging thing for me in a way, as my attention constantly gets distracted by some other thoughts, but I try not to care about it too much. When I finally did focus on my breath fully, doing it yesterday night, I felt like it helped me significantly with my anxiety. I mean it was still there, but not eating me up, like a while before, and didn’t occupy the central position in my mind any longer. I hope I’ll get out of this anxious episode completely soon and that then it’ll be much easier for me to focus on things. Yesterday as I was doing this, Misha was accompanying me as well, and I was also feeling him and his deep breath, which in turn made me realise how shallowly I breathe when under a lot of anxiety. That’s generally not anything particular as it is normal that people often don’t breathe properly while stressed, but it helped me to see the difference between how it is, and how it should be. SO I tried to in a sense imitate Misha, in how deep his breathing is. It felt really good and soothing to be with him and just breathe together, I wouldn’t think it can be so much fun honestly, he seemed to be very contented too. 😀 He’s very slowed down by this kind of weather we’re having now, so he seemed to like this very simple activity.

Today I was very lucky because I could again be and breathe by the sea. This time not in the rain. I always find the sea very relaxing, soothing, healing and just fun, so I thought it would be a fabulous idea to do it by the sea. I sat on the sea shore and focused only on my breath and the sea around me, all its sounds, the water, sand and waves, and suddenly I just felt literally that my anxiety has washed away. At least for the time I was by the sea, but anyway, I was very happy to notice this, and it was such a lovely experience.

So yeah, really, if you’re gonna do this, if you want to do something for yourself this week, also do join us on the Music Monday Care & Love, and try to just do nothing except for breathing and focusing on it for a little while every day, but what I would myself greatly recommend you to do, if you can do it, is – to go to the seaside, and do it there. You’ll see how wonderful it can be then. Or if it can’t be the sea, let it be anywhere you feel really really safe and soothed.

OK, so on to the song I want to share with you today.

As some of you may know from my last Weekend Coffee Share post, on 29th July was my friend Jacek’s first death anniversary, and that I still can’t fully get it. I decided, or rather I didn’t decide, it went very spontaneously, anyway I spent almost the entire day listening to Finnish music. And no, it wasn’t Finnish metal, although I listen to quite a lot of it, but usually when I am very depressed, and this time I wasn’t. It was mainly folk, pop, and some lighter shades of rock, anyway, the music that I discovered via Jacek, that I recommended to him, that I associated with him. Because what always united us was the love for Finland, Finnish language, Finnish people and Finnish music. Swedish as well, but that’s another story, Jacek’s kinda main domain was Finland, while mine was Sweden.

Anyway, so I listened to all that Finnish music I knew, and lots of new stuff, mainly on Spotify, which resulted in Spotify overflowing me with tons of Finnish music, because I hadn’t listened to it to such a extent in a while before that day. And so I was happy, discovering lots of new things, and then I discovered a band called Curly Strings. I listened to one of their songs, then another, and yet another. Cool. Really cool, but… wait… sounds familiar, but… is it actually Finnish?

What can an incompetent human being in 21st century do in face of such an unsolvable dilemma? Only ask uncle Google for help, and that’s quite obviously what I did. And my instinct turned out to be right because it wasn’t Finnish! It was Estonian!

Maybe an average Finophile would then just shrug and go away in an opposite direction – I don’t know, but I am certainly not an average Finophile. I just love good music in interesting and not very well known languages. And this was quite a discovery for me and I was like YAAAY! because I can count on my fingers of one hand all the Estonian language musicians I know. All of those I knew so far were from a programme we have in Poland called “Strefa Rokendrola Wolna Od Angola”, (roughly Rock & Roll Zone Free From English). There is so much good music and so much of all the excentric music I listen to, I know from there.

So yeah, now I am exploring the world of Estonian music. Generally, Estonian isn’t among my VERY BEST FAVOURITE languages, but I still do like it a lot, and if I’ll ever learn all MY languages, Estonian might be one of the first ones I’d learn afterwards.

So here is the song, and there are also lyrics under the video, I think they’re very interesting, in a way they speak to me.

What do you think? Have you actually ever heard Estonian language before? 🙂

Once again I highly recommend you to go visit Bee and take part in the Music MOnday Love & Care, and start to love yourself a bit more.

Music Monday Care & Love – song of the day (23rd July) – Hilde Selvikvåg – Allt For Deg (All For You).

Hi guys! 🙂

I’m so happy to participate in Music Monday Care & Love (formerly Music Monday Blog Party), hosted by the Bee at The Bee Writes.

Music Monday Love & Care is all about appreciating yourself, caring for yourself, celebrating your life and loving yourself more, all the while sharing music we love and that helps us with doing it all.

I think most of us would benefit from being more caring and loving for ourselves, so if you think it’s you too, I really encourage you to take part in it as well, and do some special self-care activity to be better for yourself, and do listen to some good music meanwhile, it really helps in boosting your self-esteem.

The activity that Bee is suggesting for us this week is to “just sit and do nothing”.

An extremely hard thing for me to do, I must admit. 😀 I’m not like hyperactive or anything, but my brain certainly is, and I don’t like, or am not used to, doing nothing for a long time, when I read it in the Bee’s post I actually wondered for a while whether I’m capable to do so. 😀 I don’t like feeling bored, and my brain is constantly overthinking, analysing and stuff. So, here’s the challenge for me!

This week (excluding Monday because it was just to busy), every day I’m going to sit still doing nothing – maybe besides listening to some not very brain-engaging music – for like 5 minutes, or more if I can. Just switch my brain off and exist. 5 minutes isn’t long, but that’s always something for a start, and, who knows, maybe until Sunday I’ll be able to increase it? Maybe to 10 minutes? That would be cool, wouldn’t it?

I was always kinda jealous, but also kinda surprised seeing people who don’t have any issues with doing nothing. Like on the beach – you see lots of people just lying, sunbathing, and doing nothing else. I was often thinking that if I’d do it for longer… I don’t know what would really happen, but the thought of it just scared me! And no, I am not any sort of workaholic or anything, it just seemed, and still seems in a way, kinda odd to me to do just nothing. My Mum is a master at it, so I’m gonna take an example from her. She is a very productive person, but she seems to be an expert at herself and her own needs and always knows exactly when to stop.

Because of these issues I have, it’s also often hard for me to pray or meditate, and I often find it disheartening, I need to be really determined if I really want to do such things right and succeed. Not because I can’t focus my attention on what I need to do, but because at the same time I focus my attention on a thousand of other big and little things, and then any prayer or meditation just can’t go right, you need to immerse your whole mind in it.

But, yeah, today I tried, for 5 minutes, 5 and a half almost, Misha was with me and Misha was the only thing I tried to focus on. We just lied together and I felt his fur, his slightest movements, listened to his breath, the gurglings in his tummy, felt his smell… We do it very often with Misha, just lie together, but usually at the same time my thoughts are racing like crazy, and today I did my best to stop them. It went surprisingly well. It was hard, but not as tough as I thought it could be. I think the weather we have now here helps people greatly in just existing, it’s really hot and it always makes me feel kinda sluggish, so it’s easier to do such things.

So I think I have the reason to be quite proud of myself, that’s always something. and also yesterday evening I ended up with sky high levels of anxiety and was feeling very low because of something that sort of triggered me, I was feeling better in the morning, but still rather not stable, and I feel like switching off my brain and turning my attention only to Misha helped me to feel more stable and grounded, which is really good.

So, I’m curious how it’ll go for the rest of the week, and if you can relate in any way to what I wrote, I would recommend you to try doing it too, I’m curious about how and if it will help you.

OK, so let’s go to the song. As you could notice I didn’t post anything yesterday, including song of the day, so it’ll be the song I planned for yesterday, in Norwegian.

It is a Norwegian version of John Legend’s song “All Of Me”, (Allt for Deg in Norwegian so actually All For You), sung by Hilde Selvikvåg. I really like it, and Iäm curious if you will too, and which version you prefer, the original, or this one. Enjoy. 🙂

G2K.

So I am participating in

G2K

which is a series at Revenge Of Eve.

 

How would you say others perceive you?  Confident or insecure?

Most people would rather say insecure, however some people get a false conviction about my confidence because in some situations I may act more confident. I’ve even had one guy saying I’m intimidating and overwhelming, and some people have described me as “bossy” and possessive, which kinda surprised me.

Are you confident or insecure?

Insecure.

If your answers to 1 & 2 are opposite, define your behaviors that make this so.

If people consider me confident, it can be because I do feel more confident around them, or the opposite, I feel incredibly insecure and feel like the only way I can get through it is at least try to convince other people I’m not. It’s usually a very subconscious thing for me but I’ve been observing myself more lately as well as people’s reactions. Sometimes people think I’m very confident because they get an impression I’m haughty or icy. It’s because expressing my feelings spontaneously is still a huge issue for me, and when I feel very overwhelmed I withdraw even more ’cause then I feel safer when people don’t know what I really feel. As for that guy who told me he finds me intimidating, well, my first reaction as I heard this was that I actually wanted to laugh, so unbelievable it sounded. I think it’s because we’ve been pretty open to each other about ourselves, and I think what he really found the most intimidating was – as my Mum tends to call it euphemistically – my “colourfullness” – ya know, all my experiences, interests and other quirks, with disability and mental illnesses on top of that, that’s a bit too much for some people, and I think he’s just felt overloaded at some point. My survival strategy in many situations has been to laugh off things and there was a period in my life when I was known among my friends as a bit sassy and I was glad about it. When it happened in the past that I had people whom I called friends, I used to be indeed quite possessive towards them at times, when someone matters to me a lot I involve a lot in their life and all that matters to them, with the best intentions, but not always in the best way, and some as I said called it bossiness. It is never something purposeful if I seem to people a bit intimidating though and I have never truly meant to appear so. Sometimes I feel like the fact I can appear confident or insecure to different people is a bit of two-facedness, and didn’t feel good with it, but you can’t always have full control over how people perceive you, plus in some way it’s all parts of my personality, I suppose.

Who do you attribute your confidence or low self-esteem to?

My self-esteem has always been low, and I think there have been multiple factors and multiple people contributing to that. But I also feel like it has grown a little bit over time and I think it’s mostly  my Mum’s contribution.

Write them a note in 20 words or less expressing your gratitude or feelings of injustice.

OK so because there are so many factors that have influenced my low self-esteem and it’s hard to pick the biggest one, I’ll focus on the positive contribution from my Mum and will write to her.

Dear Mum.

I’d like to thank you for believing in me and being always accepting of me as I am.