G2K.

So I am participating in

G2K

which is a series at Revenge Of Eve.

 

How would you say others perceive you?  Confident or insecure?

Most people would rather say insecure, however some people get a false conviction about my confidence because in some situations I may act more confident. I’ve even had one guy saying I’m intimidating and overwhelming, and some people have described me as “bossy” and possessive, which kinda surprised me.

Are you confident or insecure?

Insecure.

If your answers to 1 & 2 are opposite, define your behaviors that make this so.

If people consider me confident, it can be because I do feel more confident around them, or the opposite, I feel incredibly insecure and feel like the only way I can get through it is at least try to convince other people I’m not. It’s usually a very subconscious thing for me but I’ve been observing myself more lately as well as people’s reactions. Sometimes people think I’m very confident because they get an impression I’m haughty or icy. It’s because expressing my feelings spontaneously is still a huge issue for me, and when I feel very overwhelmed I withdraw even more ’cause then I feel safer when people don’t know what I really feel. As for that guy who told me he finds me intimidating, well, my first reaction as I heard this was that I actually wanted to laugh, so unbelievable it sounded. I think it’s because we’ve been pretty open to each other about ourselves, and I think what he really found the most intimidating was – as my Mum tends to call it euphemistically – my “colourfullness” – ya know, all my experiences, interests and other quirks, with disability and mental illnesses on top of that, that’s a bit too much for some people, and I think he’s just felt overloaded at some point. My survival strategy in many situations has been to laugh off things and there was a period in my life when I was known among my friends as a bit sassy and I was glad about it. When it happened in the past that I had people whom I called friends, I used to be indeed quite possessive towards them at times, when someone matters to me a lot I involve a lot in their life and all that matters to them, with the best intentions, but not always in the best way, and some as I said called it bossiness. It is never something purposeful if I seem to people a bit intimidating though and I have never truly meant to appear so. Sometimes I feel like the fact I can appear confident or insecure to different people is a bit of two-facedness, and didn’t feel good with it, but you can’t always have full control over how people perceive you, plus in some way it’s all parts of my personality, I suppose.

Who do you attribute your confidence or low self-esteem to?

My self-esteem has always been low, and I think there have been multiple factors and multiple people contributing to that. But I also feel like it has grown a little bit over time and I think it’s mostly¬† my Mum’s contribution.

Write them a note in 20 words or less expressing your gratitude or feelings of injustice.

OK so because there are so many factors that have influenced my low self-esteem and it’s hard to pick the biggest one, I’ll focus on the positive contribution from my Mum and will write to her.

Dear Mum.

I’d like to thank you for believing in me and being always accepting of me as I am.