A bit lousy day.

Yep. It’s not the best definitely. It’s a little better now, but the morning was particularly rubbishy.

The good thing is that I finally slept well, and a lot, and didn’t have any nightmares after a few nights in a row, which’s very cool. But I woke up, and as soon as I did, I started to feel very low, and it seemed to escalate. I lingered in bed, couldn’t just motivate to do anything, which happens to me very often but I am usually able to get over it, I read my book, until I finally gave up and realised that I just can’t function normally today. I just felt so overwhelmingly depressed, I dunno, I guess PMS is getting in the way, don’t know what else could be a reason, other than that my brain just felt like being depressed today. My family had plans to go to my cousins to their new house. I knew I’m not gonna do it with how I felt, plus it’d be just boring, I have completely nothing in common with them, they’re more my parents’ age, and completely not my type of people, I know even my Mum didn’t feel like going, but there were actually my parents that were invited, so I knew they wouldn’t feel offended or disappointed or anything if I didn’t come.

I usually don’t give up for my moods so easily – maybe if I lived without anybody else it would be different, but I live with my family and I know my Mum is always very worried when she sees I’m not doing well mentally, so if I can I try to drag myself out of bed and do things as normally as possible. But today I didn’t have the slightest bit of motivation to anything and felt hopeless and very very blah, so I told Mum I’m having migraine. I felt like she’ll be maybe a bit less worried then. I didn’t even go to the church with them, just the simple thought of being around other people made me feel sick. So I just lied and tried to read and even slept more. Sleep has always been my favourite way of escaping the reality if it’s too shitty. So apart from having a lot of sleep at night, I’ve also had a whole lot of sleep today. I had some very gloomy and dark dreams though. When they were out I was only waking up to fed Misha or let him in or out. I know, very shitty of me to be so very lazy, and so selfish to not play with him even for a while and leave him completely on his own, but my brain just wasn’t cooperating. Finally though I woke up for good and had to face my depression, I felt incredibly emotional and self-hating and lonely, although at the same time I felt like I wouldn’t stand a single, even the most supportive human being around me. There was only Misha, I didn’t have any choice and had to stand him, 😀 and I was very grateful for him. He’s been actually sticking to me all the time today, which is so very rare for him, and the more appreciated. I couldn’t resist the thought that if there’s anyone really understanding me in this freaky world, it is Misha, hands down. We even had a chat yesterday with Mum about Misha, you know, all that stuff about how fearful he is, recently it’s been a lot on my mind, ’cause, I can understand if it’s his feature, but I’m a bit anxious whether maybe it’s our house environment that has made him this way, or something else we or I have done wrong with him. And then my Mum summed it up and said “I think that’s just how he is – so anxious and avoidant” – and then she laughed and grinned that after all I am his mama, so maybe it’s hereditary – you know, AVPD and stuff. And then I laughed too, because as I thought about it Misha was so so much like me. Wanting, but not wanting to be around people, and if you just took the diagnostic criteria for AVPD and compared Misha to them, I think he could have it hahaha. Oh, sorry, Misha! Apart from his self-esteem, which is obviously as high as it should be expected in a spoiled child. Btw can animals have mental disorders, other than depression? Or maybe it’s just the rule that who keeps company with the wolf will learn to howl? Just laughing.

Anyway, I spent the whole afternoon with Misha, and thanks God for him, he always knows when he’s really really needed. Then I finally managed to shower and realised I haven’t eaten anything today so we both ate, but just a little – Misha because he’s just eaten and me because I shortly after realised that actually I’m not hungry – and then I was going to vegetate in bed for the rest of the day but finally motivated myself to not do it, I felt like I had a little bit more energy.

So my family had come back home and I managed to smalltalk with them even, and help Mum brush Misha. It’s still not OK, but good enough to function among other people.

I felt like some bigger mood dip is coming and I guess it’s finally here, ew… Hope though that I’ll have more enrgy to live and that it goes away soon, otherwise I might have to think about some antidepressants, my life isn’t very dynamic right now but I wouldn’t like it to go this way, it can’t be so when you’re around people and don’t want to seem constantly depressive, I need to have the energy and resources to at least pretend convincingly. I have gotten used to my depressive mood but for other people it’s not normal, and for my close family it’s frustrating.

So that’s all from me today, not very positive, but I wanted to do at least one constructive thing today and writing is what I usually do the best while being low, if anything, I’m totally not in the mood for my languages today, although I’m reading a book in Swedish, but it’s for kids, so not much thinking or figuring out is necessary.

Oh shit! Poland has just lost against Colombia. Shamin guys. 3 to 0 shit. Now my Dad’s gonna be depressed too. I supposed they might lose, though I hoped they won’t this time. My Mum was sure they will lose. I think people here make too much fuss around that Worldcup thing and around ur representation, so the more they’ll feel disappointed now.

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Sleeping and feeling more decently. :)

Yes, my sleep is now not very far from proper and I am happy about that. That Zombie day on Tuesday was so awful and exhausting. Thanks sooo very much to all those of you who supported me that day. I was so overwhelmingly depressed that actually at the end of the day I almost ended up self harming again, somehow resisted the urge, but then was even more frustrated and sick of myself, I self harmed just a bit more than a month ago and I had much longer periods without self harming in the past. The fact I didn’t finally do it didn’t really matter for me, I felt absolutely awful for feeling such a bad urge. Finally I went to bed at such a cosmic hour as for my sleep cycle as 7 PM, earlier than Zofijka. 😀 I usually go to sleep the last, only sometimes Misha is up for longer. and slept for… 12 hours! It was a very refreshing and heavy sleep, I actually don’t remember any awakenings. My mood lifted up a bit too so I felt functional enough to write my geography control assignment. It was so boring. Not like I expected it to be very very interesting, I’ve been always finding school extremely boring overall, but anyway it was boring. I had to write about different forms of nature protection in Wejherowo County where I live, like Tricity Landscape Park for example. I think I did it well. Last night I had another night of good sleep and have a feeling tonight will be so too. I don’t expect it to last long but as long as it lasts, I’m very happy about that. Emotionally/moodwise today I feel tolerably. Definitely not good, but functional. Recently I don’t feel very functional, so I’m glad about it. I gave my Mum my assignment to print out. My geography teacher is an elderly guy and rather extremely not up to date with new technologies, which makes it a bit hard for me and my Mum. Normally I could just send him this assignment in email, but as far as I know he doesn’t have any email so my Mum needs to take the time to go to the printing house and then deliver it to him. But well education system sucks in general, not that there aren’t any exceptions of course. Tonight Zofijka is sleeping with me. While my anxiety is definitely more manageable since last week, Zofijka who is a rather worrisome kid, is recently a bit anxious. They watched some scary stuff in class, well scary in her opinion. She seems to be always overly scared of things like demons, ghosts, vampires or paranormal phenomena. While her friends find it very intriguing, in my opinion probably also overly. So she wanted to sleep with me. She wants to sleep with me every night, but this time I agreed as I know how fantastic it feels to be scared in the middle of the night and alone, especially if you’re just a 10-year-old child, although I’m not very enthusiastic about sleeping with other people. I’ve just watched an episode of Happy Valley with Mum and then some film about the Tudors on Epic Drama. We love British films as you can see. And we had ginger tea and some chilli crackers. It lifted up my mood, I hope it will stay so until tomorrow. I think I’ll be going to sleep soon, it’s 10 PM so rather early but I somehow feel sleepy and I don’t really have much to do right now other than sleep, especially that I must be rather silent as Zofijka is sleeping.

Wishing you all good night and sweet dreams, or a nice day, whatever time is now where you live. 🙂

New gem stones in my collection.

I’m really starting to wonder about taking photos of all the stones in my collection and putting them here. It would take a lot of time and obviously I would need someone else to involve in it and take the pictures, but I think it could be a good idea. What do you think?

My Mum wanted to make me a surprise and bought me some more stones which are really beautiful. They are standing on my window and everyone says they look brilliant in the sun. It’s very snowy here recently, but also the sun is shining a lot so they have great conditions to present themselves. I am really happy I got so many new stones recently. I plan to go to the Festival Of Minerals which will be sometime in August in Silesia. I’d love someone acquainted to take a look at my collection and tell me whether all of these stones are really natural and I’d love to take a look at some minerals I’ve never seen before.

As for other things, yesterday I had an intensive Welsh day, well I’ve heard of people having much more intensive days, but it was the most intensive Welsh day I’ve ever had, because I did 5 challenges during one day. My brain felt drained, but, in contrast to the brain drainage I always get when I have Maths, that one felt really good and I felt glad and proud of myself, not depressed and tired as I usually am after my Maths lessons, simply because my achievements were much much bigger. I decided to praise myself for that and when we were going for a walk with my Mum, we also went to the grocery shop as she needed some vegs and I bought myself a chocolate with nuts which is really yummy. We had a really long walk which I definitely needed after all that brain fitness and which felt very refreshing, and my leg didn’t go as crazy as it did recently, I think it’s healing and going better, slowly, but surely. I can’t wait when I’ll be able to go horse riding finally, gosh I didn’t ride for TWO MONTHS! My horse will forget me! 😀 No, seriously I don’t think he will, I had a few years break time years ago and he seemed like he remembered me. 😀

Today I went to my GP in the morning, as he finally came back from vacation. I decided I will listen to my therapist’s suggestion and will ask him to prescribe me Afobam again. Also I asked him for some more Hydroxizinum as I was running out of it and then picked my prescription along with that from the dermatologist I got on Thursday.

I did some more Welsh today too.

I just had a very yummy dinner, pasta with Napoli sauce. Dad and Olek are both at work, so we don’t necessarily have to have some meat. They must always have meat for dinner, but not me and my Mum, so always when they’re not at home, we have something we like and Zofijka usually likes it too, or she eats at school.

Today I also helped Zofijka with her English homework a bit, but it only led to both of us being frustrated. Zofijka is very hard to teach, it is difficult for her to focus and she hardly ever listens what you tell her and doesn’t really get English and I am not really good at explaining language stuff to people and the last thing I’m good at is teaching anyone anything, but since as for now she doesn’t have any English lessons besides school as she used to have, I try to help her as it’s at least something.

Anyone else not sleeping?

Goodnight, good morning or whatever people say at 04:10 AM. 😀

Yeah, another night of no sleep. With the difference that this time I won’t be able to catch up on sleep in the morning if I’d become sleepy as I have things to do in the morning. So unless a miracle will happen and I’ll get an hour or two of sleep until 6, I think I have a zombie day ahead, as I always call days after a completely sleepless night. Ugh, I hate it so much. But maybe if I’ll go zombie for a day, my sleep routine will settle back and my brain will get in which timezone I am. The good thing however is that Misha’s with me fast asleep in his basket, giving me some more sense of safety, and, which I am very gateful about, my anxiety is definitely not as overwhelming as it was last night. I mean it still is there, but it isn’t so exhausting and I am more functional so after like two hours of tossing and turning I got up and started doing some nice things like I wrote a bit of a next chapter of my book. It’s called “Jack Hamilton” and I’ve been writing it for years, finding comfort in it. Jack Hamilton is just a simple guy, but with very complex life and he’s quite funny, he is actually writing his story on its own. I often plan to direct his life and make him do what I want, but I end up writing something completely different like he’d want to write a life scenario for himself. I planned to publish Jack, but firstly now it’s definitely too long, and secondly, he became my close friend over the years, someone extremely close to me, almost ten years now. My God I can’t believe I can manage with him for so long. He isn’t easy to live with. And although many people know I’m writing a book about a guy called Jack Hamilton who is half Irish half Swedish, even know some of his life story, I’ve never shown anyone more than my notes before writing an actual chapter. I feel like my relationship with Jack, although he’s only my creation, is very intimate is some way.

Besides Jack, I’ve been reading my book, snuggling Misha, still have music on and I think soon I’ll go to bed again just in case I might fall asleep, although I highly doubt it could happen.

Who else isn’t sleeping for whatever reason?

Happy birthday, Olek and Mum!

So as I wrote a while ago today my brother Olek and my Mum have their birthday together. Olek is now 19 and I can’t believe it’s my Mum’s 45th birthday. She definitely doesn’t seem her age for me.

Besides having completely sleepless and very anxious night, I’m doing well. I could catch up on sleep in the morning which I did. It’s crazy to fall asleep at 7 AM, innit? 😀 But I’m glad I fell asleep finally, I prefer to sleep during the day than go around looking like Zombie and feeling totally rubbish, especially that with all the celebrations we had quite an eventful day. Although I doubt I will sleep tonight too, but well, we’ll see.

So right now we had a full house with lots of family, they came around 6 PM and I stayed with them for a few hours, but then me and Misha took a French leave before nine and are both in my room together. We have loads of delicious food, my Mum’s spectacular dessert which everyone likes and which never is boring – meringue with fruits (today peaches and billberries), a cheese cake, chicken wings, gyros salad and chops with chilli and mushrooms and other stuff, and some nachos and breaded nuts. Misha loved the chops.

Earlier today when I woke up we went with Zofijka to the shop and bought Mum a blanket she wanted to have. It looks really cosy and snug. I got some money for Olek as right now it seems to be the thing he needs and dreams about the most, plus I just hadn’t got any other idea honestly.

Also I will get some music for Mum as she mentioned to me she doesn’t have anything new to listen in the car.

As for other things, on Thursday I had an appointment with that OM doctor who is also a dermatologist and about whom I wrote some time ago, this time I saw him as a dermatologist because of my dry skin and the infection I have on my leg, but he didn’t really tell me anything which would be very new to me. He said I shouldn’t take showers but rather baths and don’t use a usual soap. I stopped taking showers last week already and we all always use black soap which is natural, also I try to make my baths possibly short most days. He also told me I should moisturise my skin and he prescribed me something moisturising. I moisturised it before as I thought it’s logical when you have dry skin, but I did it with oils, so maybe that cream he prescribed me will be more helpful, I didn’t collect the prescription yet though. And he told me the issue should ease a bit as the winter will finish which he told me last time too and which I’m really hoping for. I showed him my leg and he said he also thinks it may be because of my dry skin, then I mentioned to him that I showed it my GP two years ago and she said it might be staphylococcus and he said that yes it might be this too, but didn’t even suggest to make any tests or didn’t prescribe anything specifically for it, so looked pretty much like he didn’t know what it is. I told him I try to treat it with tea tree oil which seems to help and he said I should continue with it as it helps with healing. So, both me and my Mum, who also has dry skin and he says it’s genetic, we felt a bit like we wasted our time going there.

Yesterday I had “brain drainage” in the evening – that’s how I call Maths because I always really feel brain-drained afterwards 😀 and I hate it – and because I was feeling so drained I decided to have some self care time. I had a long, oiling, moisturising and relaxing bath with olive, coconut and sunflower oil and Epsom salt. I felt a bit like I was sitting in some mediterranean dish lol, Greek salad or something, wondered whether I maybe should put some feta cheese or olives into it too 😀 it was really oily, but I felt a bit desperate to do something with my skin as it pisses me off more and more. It’s strange that it never was so hardcore until this year, I’ve never realised I had dry skin before. So I spent there about 15 minutes listening to Plu and relaxing and even took a drink with me to the bathroom and drank it, it was Jack Daniels with Pepsi. I love Jack Daniels (not only because it’s Jack 😀 ), this is actually the only alcohol I drink, and I didn’t have it for ages, since September, but somehow I felt I’d like to drink it that evening. It was so good to hear Gwilym singing and drink Jack. I felt very moisturised afterwards and also very relaxed and warm, so I think it was a good idea, although I think I should probably repeat it once or twice as I felt itchy again later at night, but not as horribly as it used to be recently. The doc said I may feel more itchy when I’m stressed and I was definitely very anxious at night so I think that could be a reason for it.

So yeah, the evening after Maths was definitely fabulous for me.

The night was pretty rough as I mentioned, my Mum suggested it was maybe because of Jack still circulating in my blood and I also think that’s possible. I felt somehow very agitated and anxious, sometimes even panicky and it was very exhausting. Misha wasn’t with me, I looked for him for a while but felt too overwhelmed and scared in general to walk around the whole house and look for him everywhere, I hoped he’d come to me later on but it didn’t happen and everyone was asleep so I didn’t call him with food as it makes a bit of a noise.

I still felt that anxiety staying with me for most part of the day, also probably because of so many people around, but now I’m not anxious almost at all.

How is your weekend going? 🙂

Share Your World February 12th 2018.

Are you a practical jokester?
Not really, but was a bit more when I was a teen.

Who cuts your hair? You, a friend, or professional.
Usuallly I go to the hairdresser, but if it’s just a fringe or something like this, my Mum does it for me.

Did you have a stuffed animal when you were a kid, if so what kind?
Oh yes I had. I had my poor, long suffering teddy bear which I loved and still owe a big debt of gratitude to him for what a big support he was for me when I was a kid. His name was Pimpuś and I always slept with him when was at home. I never took him to the boarding school with me, I remember I didn’t want him to smell like it, so he was always waiting on my bed at home for me. When I was at nursery I missed him terribly, then a bit less and I wasn’t so attached to him, but I slept with him for a really long time like even when I was a teen. Now he’s retired and after several tail surgeries and other kinds of “medical” interventions, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for him even though now Misha replaced him. I also had many more teddies, and a few dolls, but I wasn’t even half so much attached to them as to Pimpuś.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, obviously, I think it’s needless to mention. Besides it was the second and last week of my winter break, it was absolutely cool, I needed some chill out and just not doing nothing for a while. Also I finally got the confirmation that I can take my final exam, which is needed to finish my current educational stage, in other school than I am learning in. That school is for the blind so they will be able to adjust everything to me much more easily than my school would be. If I’d have to pass it over here, it could be problematic for everyone, I think. It was a Welsh Language Music Day on Friday and dI celebrated it discovering a lot of new and old, but new for me, Welsh language music. And discovering new music I like, or in languages I like, is always a great pleasure for me. On Saturday my Mum made a great toffi cake, because my Dad had his name day. It was so yummmmmmy, so it’s definitely worth noting.

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/02/12/share-your-world-february-12-2018/

Ugh, again? Some general update and a little health ramble.

Today it would be a really nice day for me, if not the fact I’m feeling really crappy physically.
Remember when last week I was writing about my emotional crisis I had on my birthday? I wrote it can be partially due to PMS and now I am sure it was true. Only why I have to feel PMS symptoms for more than a week before the actual time of surfing the crimson wave? Luckily emotionally I am much more stable than then and I hope it’ll continue, ’cause that was scary.
But OK, I can fully understand that aunt Ruby or Flo or whatever is her name, has her own rights, but why my leg is not cooperative either? Seriously, I am starting to worry, or at least wonder.
I got a weird and pretty painful wound on my calf and what is the more weird about it that a year ago I had an almost exactly looking wound on my other calf. Same was two years ago on the same leg as now, but not exactly in the same place as now. And moreover as far as I remember it was also in February, ’cause it was close to my Dad’s name day and it was annoyingly hard to heal. I had no idea where I could get it, it was like totally out of no where, so that my Mum even thought it may be some ulcer, which scared me, but when I went to my GP with it, she said it’s just a form of infection. I remember that last year it finally healed in April. So now I think it must be something chronic and I think I’ll need to visit someone who could tell me more than my GP. I was even wondering ’cause people with diabetes have issues with skin regeneration and I am apparently at a higher risk ’cause I was taking growth hormone in childhood and people on the both sides of my family have diabetes, but because I was taking that hormone I have tests about once a year and they were as good as always recently. I really want to know, even just of curiosity, what it is. Plus it pisses me off. My leg is hurting so much since a few days that even walking for a longer distance is a bit challenging. I discovered that it’s back with me when I went shopping with my Mum on Tuesday and then we went for a longer walk almost around our whole town and when we came back my calf started to burn horribly.
And it is also shitty because yesterday I was meant to go horse riding. I didn’t ride for a really really long time now, since Christmas, I believe, so I fell out of the routine completely. But my instructor is a very busy person, she is not only a horse riding instructor and hypotherapist, but also a doctor – anasthesiologist and neurologist and recently also works on ER a lot. Plus she has her own, big family and it always surprises me how she can manage it all and before now I could ride pretty regularly once a week unless she had to go to ER. I like the fact that she is a neurologist ’cause we can talk a lot about the brain and related stuff which i always appreciate, I’ve learnt a lot from her and it is thanks to her that I realised that if I could see, I would most probably end up as a brain surgeon. Anyway, back to my horse riding, she texted me on Wednesday evening she finally was able to schedule an hour on Thursday for me and asked me whether I’d like to go. It hurt me but I felt so excited that I impulsively wrote that yes sure I will come, but yesterday morning the pain was big enough that I realised it won’t be anything neither pleaasant nor beneficial if I went riding, I could easily make it hurt even more and I wouldn’t do a good job ’cause even my muscles around the wound were hurting.
I find life much more boring without riding. As for now I use Rivanol and tea tree oil to treat it but surely will end up on antibiotic as last year, I just didn’t go to any doctor yet.
Tomorrow is my Dad name day. You know what name day is? I know there are only a few countries now which celebrate it so if you don’t know, it’s basically the day when your patron saint has his/her feast. It’s a purely Christian tradition but now it’s celebrated just like your second birthday or something. Just another opportunity to eat as much as possible and have your family gathered together. There are all name days listed in Polish calendars, although they differ slightly and you probably won’t find exactly the same names under the same dates in two different calendars, but there are some conventional dates. Tomorrow is the name day of Elwira, Jacek, Jacenty and Scholastyka and therefore my Dad who is Jacek (or Hyacinth in English) is having his name day. It’s a bit weird to me though because saint Hyacinth who has his feast day tomorrow is almost unknown while we have another saint Hyacinth who was Polish and whose feast day is celebrated in August and he is much more known, so if I was my Dad, I would pick my name day to be in August on that other saint Hyacinth’s day, but I think it doesn’t matter that much for most people.
So tomorrow we will have even bigger family gathering than it was on my birthday and there will also be my Dad’s friends and I hope I won’t have to endure another emotional crisis. My poor Mum is in the kitchen almost all day long. She isn’t preparing that much food, but my Dad will have a big toffi cake. Ridiculous, because he can’t stand anything sweet. 😀 But we love toffi cake. Me, Zofijka, Olek and my Mum kind of likes it as well. And I am sure all the guests will be happy with it too. Toffi is such a delicious thing to eat. Will share with you tomorrow lol.
Now I am listening to Welsh music all the time, as it is Welsh Language Music Day today, so I definitely need to celebrate it. I’ve also learnt some Welsh today. But now I think I will go and nap for a while, ’cause my leg is hurting, my abdomen is hurting, my head is hurting and I feel quite miserable physically.
How are you guys doing? Any nice plans for the weekend? Maybe you’re celebrating something as well? Anyway, whatever you’re doing, I wish you a great weekend.