Blue Cafe – “Reflection”.

Hey people! πŸ™‚

It’s Mother’s Day here in Poland, so I thought I’d share a song that both my Mum and I like. It’s actually my Mum’s favourite song as of late. I completely didn’t associate this kind of music with her, but she likes this song, and when I heard it for the first time, I started to like it too. Generally our tastes aren’t incredibly similar.

Blue Cafe is a Polish band which I used to really hate, and am still not a huge fan of at all. They used to have a really awful vocalist, now they have a different one who at least can sing, but this song of theirs is one of the very few that I like and it always makes me think of Mum.

Question of the day.

Who in your life knows you best?

My answer:

I think I have to say my Mum. She knows a lot about me and I can be open with her about a lot of things. It’s not like we understand each other without words or anything like that, and she often says that it’s hard to figure me out because I “hide things” which is true, but still, she’s quite good at figuring me out. πŸ˜€

Who is it for you? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

What personality traits do you share with your relatives/children?

My answer:

I have a tendency to be very suspicious of people just like my Dad, well, actually for him at this point it looks more like paranoia and I can clearly see that he’s getting worse with age so hope that I will not end up like that because it quite bites both for such person as well as perhaps even more so for everyone around. I am also a pessimist like him and generally our worldview is pretty similar, although my pessimism is more defensive than just plain grumpy. I think my sense of humour is also similar to his. We are both introverts and get overwhelmed with things quickly though each of us manifests it in vastly different ways. If the four temperaments theory makes sense, and I think it may, I seem to be something like a rather even mix of melancholic and phlegmatic, and I’ve got the phlegmatic part definitely after my Dad. I think I’ve also got my rational brain after him, like that despite I am generally rather dreamy and imaginative, I can be very down to Earth and sensible when need be, so that my imaginativeness can’t turn into insipid sentimentality and I always keep some distance to things. Although our types of intelligence are rather very different despite that. Ah yeah and I hate changes just like him and neither of us is particularly spontaneous, and we tend to have rather very consistent views on everything that we have views on. We both have some sort of anger issues but each of us of a completely different nature, because while I turn it mostly inwards unless there’s no room, he gets it all out on other people and has meltdowns like a baby, which also get worse with age and due to other factors as well.

Me and my Mum are both deep thinkers, are sensitive and emotional and very empathetic and caring, think way too much, like things that most people either don’t know or don’t like or don’t/can’t appreciate, are individualists, overly self-critical, good listeners, like our own company, though my Mum is generally an extrovert, she likes to share her emotions with other people and is very chatty and exuberant, but still at the same time she feels the need for being just with herself sometimes, is not dependent on others and calls herself wild, used to be very shy and doesn’t have many friends outside of family. We both have our passions that we are enthusiastic about, we are very intuitive and introspective, and I’ve got the melancholic part of my brain after her, as she’s sanguine-melancholic.

And I can be quite a catastrophist after my grandma, though she is much worse and her catastrophism is much more contagious I think.

My Mum also says I have a lot of traits after my grandad, and while we get along very well and he’s the only person who has always stood by me no matter what and he often seems to get me better than other people in my family, I don’t personally feel that we have much more in common in terms of personality than that we are both veeery introverted and nerdy loners, as my grandad has very high ego, and despite he’s always been amazing to me, throughout his life it’s been clear that he doesn’t have high empathy levels and has to be the best at everything and even when he is not, he still is. Oh yeah and I’ve got sleep paralysis after him which is not a personality trait but because of its severity and that it’s stuck to my brain since forever until now it has had some influence on who I am. πŸ˜€

Oh yeah, and my Dad says that I am as smart as my Godmother, which is not necessarily a compliment, not because my Godmother isn’t smart, she is very much, but because I am smarter than him and authoritarian folks don’t like that. I think we do think a bit similarly with my Godmother, because we both tend to overanalyse a lot of things and sometimes take them a bit too literally, but overall I don’t get along with her that well and find her slightly intimidating.

What does that look for you and your family? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

What is the last phone, text, social media, FaceTime etc. conversation you had and with whom?

My answer:

As for a bit longer one, I was talking on the phone some hours ago with my Mum asking her if she could pop in to the chemist’s for me on her way back home as she was driving to a lot of places with my gran today.

You? πŸ™‚

My Inner MishMash Readership Award. And the winners are…

Hi people! πŸ™‚

So, the time has come. The time to reveal the winners of my brand new conception which is My Inner MishMash Readership Award (or MIMRA).

My Inner MishMash is an award that is planned to be confered every year before Christmas, to the three most involved, insightful and engaged readers of My Inner MishMash as a way of expressing my gratitude and appreciation for their presence on My Inner MishMash, and also simply as a way to have some more fun on here.

I’m super excited to officially announce to all the people reading this blog that this year’s winners are… *fanfares and drumrolls*

Meg of Why Does Bad Advice Happen to Good People,

Ashley Leia of Mental Health @ Home,

and

Carol Anne and her system Many Of Us of Therapy Bits

(lots of applause for the winners, please!).

Thanks so very much to all three of you for sticking by, it’s hugely appreciated! πŸ™‚ Also thanks to all the other involved readers of my blog, who I wasn’t able to award, as of course I can’t award everyone, but I hope you too do feel no less welcome at My Inner MishMash. πŸ™‚

The awards have been sent out earlier today, and should actually be with you in 3 days (much earlier than I supposed, they’ll be travellin by plane, just like VIP’s should πŸ˜€ I just hope the packages didn’t get mixed up at the post office, haha). I really hope you’ll find your awards enjoyable.

Some people like surprises, some don’t, but I figured I’ll give you all a peep into what our winners are getting this year as part of their award, since my Mum took pics anyway.

Merry Christmas From Misha

Content of the MIMRA packages

Content of the MIMRA packages

Misha is not included in the award, πŸ˜€ he goes to me as My Inner MishMash Authorship Award. Mum wanted me to stress, to make sure that you won’t have to face too much of a disappointment, that the small carrier bags you’ll find at the top of the packages aren’t part of the award either, they’re just a filler, but I guess why not, it could be part of the award, especially that it contains some excerpts of a very weird Polish magazine, so, who knows, maybe you’ll find it interesting. πŸ˜›

As you can notice, the award is very much Mish-themed, and so are even the chocolates, in a way, although that was actually a pure coincidence. Their name is MichaΕ‚ki (MichaΕ‚ek is a diminutive of a Polish male name MichaΕ‚, MichaΕ‚ki is the plural form, and Misha, well, after all Misha is a Russian nickname of Michael). πŸ˜€

Ashley, I’m sorry but your T-shirt is going to be white in the end, not black. I hope that is not a problem? Oh and I hope they will fit you guys well.

Also, last, but not least, HUUUGE thanks to my Mum for helping me materialise this crazy idea of mine, it couldn’t happen without her dedication, and she spent a lot of time running around getting things I needed for it.

I hope it will be at least as much fun for you, Meg, Ashley, and Carol Anne, as making those awards was for me, and thank you once again for being part of My Inner MishMash! ❀

 

Question of the day.

How big is your family, immediate and extended? Is one parent’s side of the family bigger than the other?

My answer:

I guess my family is pretty big, even my immediate family, for today’s standards. Apparently, families with just 3 children or more are officially recognised as “big” in Poland, and we have something called Big Family Card, which entitles members of big families to discounts on public transport or cultural institutions tickets and such. There is my Dad, Mum, me, my brother Olek and my sis Zofijka, and our cat Misha and dog Jocky, but they must cope somehow without Big Family Cards as they don’t travel at all so I guess that’s why they didn’t get them. As for my extended family, well my Dad has four siblings, and my Mum has three, and only one of my uncles on Dad’s side doesn’t have children, all the rest of their siblings do, so in total, on both my parents’ sides, only their siblings’ children/grandchildren, I have… let’s do some counting, it might take a while……… 23 cousins, if I’m thinking right, 27 if you count their spouses since they’re colloquially called cousins too. I think though that my Dad’s family is bigger overall, as his parents have both had many siblings, my gran had like 10 I guess. Or maybe I just have that impression that there is so many of my Dad’s relatives because I don’t know them quite as well as my Mum’s family. I lived with my Mum’s family for most of my life so naturally I’ve seen lots of her aunts and uncles and cousins and all visiting, if not us, then my grandparents, at least so that I know who’s who in theory, but if I’d meet my Dad’s cousin on the street, I don’t think I’d even recognise them, let alone know what their name is or what exactly is the familial relationship between us or what they do for living. My Dad knows all of them though and where they live and what they do, and all the complex affinities. They tend to have kinda unobvious nicknames that they go by, which adds to the confusion, I mean usually Polish nicknames from names are very obvious, but in my Dad’s extended family’s case, their real full names are often quite different from what they’re called, they have a talent for making up very harshly sounding diminutives and spoiling names that are quite pretty in their original full forms. πŸ˜€ I guess in a way this must be a Kashubian thing, as my Dad is Kashubian. Somehow though, I have an impression that while my Dad’s side is bigger, it consists largely of middle-aged to elderly people, unlike my Mum’s side where there are weddings and births happening relatively frequently all the time and there are children of all ages. But still, despite being smaller, my Mum’s family is big, quite interesting and spread all over the country, and a little bit abroad.

How about your family? πŸ™‚


Ina Wroldsen – “Mother”.

Hi hi people! πŸ™‚

So, this song, for me, is that kind of song which lyrics are just so ridiculously, creepily or comfortingly – depending from which angle you choose to look at it – relatable to you and describing you, your life and various situations you’ve been through, as if someone just broke into your flamin’ brain and wrote about your feelings. I hear so often that people say things like “Oh God, this song is just about me!” or such things, but to me it actually doesn’t happen very often, not to such an extent that I could literally sign myself with all my limbs under the lyrics, although I did have my personal song as a child and teen, which was “Evacuee” by Enya. This one is vastly different from Enya’s music, but no less relatable to me, maybe even more relatable to me in a way because, thankfully, I no longer have to relate to that child in “Evacuee”, and this song by Ina Wroldsen describes my feelings and my life and my relationships with people in so many more ways, not just a part of my life as it is with “Evacuee”.

Ina Wroldsen is a Norwegian singer, she is very popular in her country and in Scandinavia but also in other European countries, collaborating with many DJ’s and such, I am pretty sure that I must have heard her somewhere earlier before I discovered it for myself, as for example her song “Strongest” was a real hit. I discovered her for myself when I started to listen to more Norwegian music, largely by accident, but I never was very crazy on her, just another cool Norwegian artist out there, a bit too normal for me to like her really really much. πŸ˜€

Sometimes I focus on lyrics of my favourite songs, sometimes I don’t. Usually I focus more on those I like more, and when something is just cool but normal I tend to only focus on the music, since it rarely has very striking lyrics anyway. And so was when I first heard “Mother” last year. But at some point while listening to it I focused much more and thought: “Huh, these lyrics sound familiar”, as in, something I knew from my own experience and from my own brain. πŸ˜€ And, seriously, when I listened to the song thoroughly, just everything felt so so much like me. And not at all only in regards to the time where I was at the boarding school and struggling with a lot of stuff and wanted outa there, and not only even in relation to my own Mum. Some verses, that I’m sure were written more metaphorically, were about me in such an absurdly literal way that I just had to laugh, other were more metaphorical. I could find descriptions of my relationships with important people in my life in it and things I’ve been through, and pretty much my entire life in a way, but especially my childhood. It feels odd and crazy! And, as always when I find a song that is even somewhat relatable for me in any way, I am still so very curious what inspired Ina to write it, although I believe it was a piece written collaboratively with some other people. While it speaks to me in such an incredible, almost eerie way, I also think that most people are able to find something about themselves in it, as is the case with some songs. I hope you enjoy it anyway. πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

Who taught you to cook?

My answer:

Me? Cook?! Well OK, I can cook a little, but only a little, and not without assistance. That little bit of cooking I can do, I learnt mostly at school, or at the boarding school where we’d sometimes cook something for ourselves usually at weekends, and I also know some things from my Mum, and help her out when I can and when she wants it, which is not very often as I usually end up with my fingers bleeding like hell or stuff spilled or messed up, as she puts it, in such a creative way that she’d never even know you can mess up food like this! πŸ˜€ So she prefers to avoid that. But sometimes I will help her anyway, regardless of how she feels about it, I like a bit of adrenaline sometimes. Apparently I make the best dough for pierogi, although what I do with it that is so unusual that others don’t I have no idea.

How about you? πŸ™‚

Linnea Henriksson ft. Stor – “Mamma Γ„r Lik Sin Mamma” (Mum Is Like Her Mum).

Hi guys. πŸ™‚

Here’s my favourite song from a currently very popular Swedish pop singer Linnea Henriksson. I can easily not care about her popularity in Sweden simply because she’s not popular anywhere else, and I think she’s a really good singer. And this is a really good hommage for all mothers!

Question of the day.

Hi guys. πŸ™‚

Here’s my question for you for today:

What’s a career that no one really thinks about or admires enough?

My answer:

Looking at the situation here in Poland, especially that I have two people of this profession in my family, I feel like it’s nurses. They do a whole lot of work, that requires a lot of skills because of how versatile it is and how different things they have to do, and also it is them who are very often closest to the patient, but they don’t seem to get much recognition, not as much as doctors, even though, no matter how competent a doctor would be, he wouldn’t be able to help his patients quite as much without a nurse. Especially nurses who are older and have only finished a nursing school, I am always confused by English education terminology, but you know, they’ve finished a school like on the college level that teaches nursing, but they didn’t study nursing at the uni so don’t have any higher education. Now I guess it is required, but still, in relation to how much they work, they don’t earn equally much, and they’ve been protesting a lot in recent years.

Also people who work as cleaners or in similar jobs, that most people look down upon, but that are important nevertheless.

And last, but not least, homemakers! Yes, I strongly believe it is a valid career option. Or like my Mum – a homemaker herself – likes to say, home manager. One day my Mum had a conversation with an official, something about some family allowance or something like that, and he asked her what her job was. So she said home manager and he was like: “Umm, do you work at people’s houses? I’ve never heard about such a profession”. “No, my own house is enough for me so far”. “Ah, OK, so you don’t work.”. “Of course I do. That I’m not paid for it and not employed by anyone doesn’t mean I don’t work”. So he was just laughing but in the end he said he has to write she’s unemployed. Sounds so daft and unfair when you think about how much she’s doing.

Which career is it in your opinion? πŸ™‚

Question of the day (29th March).

What was something your parents said repeatedly when you were growing up?

My answer:

Huh lots of things, especially my Mum, she’s very repetitive at times haha. But like really very often? Hahaha the first thing that comes to my mind right now is that Mum used to say a lot that I’m “wild”, meaning that I don’t engage with people as much as expected. That was always very interesting for me, to think that I’m wild. πŸ˜€

How about your parents?

Commitmentof a mother.

Hi guys. πŸ™‚

I’ve been thinking about finally writing some other posts, other than my usual series, and looking forward to doing it, and I planned to do some more writing over the weekend, though, quite predictably, I was never able to publish anything as it was my Mum’s and my brother’s birthday, also I had some rather bad anxiety and quite a lot was going on here. Nevertheless, both my Mum, and one of the recent writing prompts gave me an idea for a post. One of the recent words of the day at Word Of The Day Challenge was commit, and recently me and my Mum talked about commitment and dedication in relation to my grandma. I’d like to write about my Mum, and how I admire her, and thus also generally about mothers and motherhood.

There are lots of things that I admire in my Mum, but the one I would like to focus on now is her commitment.

Her commitment and dedication to motherhood, to us, her children, and to our whole family. I really don’t know where we’d be if not Mum, and I’m not just talking about the fact that she gave birth to my siblings and me, but that she is like an adhesive for our family, and keeps together us and everything in our house and family. I am happy to say that I have a good relationship with my Dad, but it has never been as deep as my connection with Mum. And even if I was ony to say on behalf of myself, I also don’t know where I’d be without my Mum.

Being disabled, I need more help with many things than an average person, sometimes a lot more, and my Mum has always been there for me, ready to help me out with really different things. Even when I was away from home at the boarding school, she always tried ther best to find the time and possibility to visit me or take me home for the weekend while she didn’t really have to as there was a rather big distance between the school and my home. She also tried her best to make my life easier there, and when there was a time I was emotionally abused by some of the staff she was the one to notice it despite the distance between us, and she was the one to make it stop. I’ve heard many very positive comments about my Mum at school, both from the staff and my friends, that I am really lucky to have such a committed and involved Mum. Not that other kids didn’t of course, though such situations also happened sometimes as they always do, that some children came from families where they weren’t loved, but because she did so much more than she had to, and her involvement was very visible. I also have mental health difficulties, since years but that both me and some of my family became more aware of only in recent years, and while my Mum doesn’t always understand it, she’s still there for me, if not in any other way than at least happy to help me practically. She’d been helping me to get to therapy, picking my prescriptions, she is my “spokesperson” in all sorts of new or difficult situations when I feel anxious or whenever I’m just not fully able to stand for myself, and I appreciate help hugely. She’s done so many big and little things for me that I probably wouldn’t be able to acknowledge all of them in a single post even if I dedicated it only for such purpose. πŸ˜€

My Mum is definitely a type of altruist who gets easily engaged in what she does and is very responsible and caring, that’s her nature, but sometimes I wonder whether all those commitments she has made over the years since she’s become a wife and a mother, whether they sometimes don’t make her feel unfulfilled in other areas, like her professional career for example, or her social life that would extend beyond her family.

My parents got married when she was 22. Mum was learning to be a beautician and after that tried studying pedagogy but didn’t really have a heart for it and didn’t feel motivated so quit it and then, two years after their wedding, they had me. They had to go a long way until they realised that I’m blind, it wasn’t like that I was born and they were told that, my blindness was congenital but well doctors just didn’t notice it and left my parents to figure it out on their own, and as it has turned out there were some other things we had to figure out blindly, pun intended, even much later on, but that’s another thing actually. Anyway, when Mum finally did figure out that I’m blind, soon after Olek arrived so with two little kids and one disabled she didn’t even think about looking for a job, despite at those very beginnings the financial situation in our family was really not the best, and by the way it’s also partly thanks to Mum that now Dad has the job he has and that our situation is much better nowadays. But Mum, even when I went to the boarding school at the age of 5, still was a full time Mum and still is, even though both me and Olek are adults and Zofijka can mostly take care of herself during the day, and so can I for the most part. And we really appreciate her for that, but as I said, I wonder whether she doesn’t feel a little disappointed with her life sometimes, having so many commitments, many of which she really didn’t have much choice about.

They say though that you usually copy your parents in your life choices. ANd that would be true for my Mum, because the thing was very similar with my grandma.

She is a very intelligent, cultured lady, had great ambitions as a young woman, got degrees in such diverse fields as food technology and theology, but she is also a very gentle, sensitive, idealistic and actually naive person, believing that everyone is like her and has the same values. And during her food technology studies met my grandad – also a very intelligent, cultured, strong, manly, fiendishly ambitious and versatile man. – They were madly in love with each other like most couples are at the beginning, the thing was that each of them had their own dreams that were quite different from each other’s, and my grandad was incredibly stubborn and domineering, to the point that in our current standards I suppose we could call it abusive. His dream has always been farming, because of his huge interest in agriculture, so it was clear to him that his wife will have to adjust and live in the sh*thole and dedicate herself to him and breeding hens to help him grow his business.

I love my grandad, have had a pretty close relationship with him, he has always stood for me when I most needed it, even when no one else did, and I always feel very safe with him and like we have a strangely deep connection and understanding for each other, and overall he’s one of the people I admire most in my life, particularly for how comprehensively skilled he is, but although he has mellowed a whole lot in his old age, I feel really bad about him being so bossy and tyrannical to my grandma. He wouldn’t let her go anywhere on her own, he decided what she should do or not do, with whom she can meet, he forbade her to drive anywhere, have her own work or money or any personal life that he wouldn’t be able to fully control. I guess even if she was assertive she wouldn’t be able to resist this and stand for herself, but she wasn’t, at all. He even didn’t let her to go to church on her own, only when it suited him and he would be able to drop her there, which was a big pain for her because my grandma has always been a very devout Christian. Grandad was brought up in a Christian family too, but it was never a priority for them and I guess he was too proud to be able to live through Christian faith where you have to be humble and rely on God rather than on yourself. So he wasn’t really keen on that which was also a big problem for grandma. As the children arrived her life was focused only around the household/farm, selling eggs with grandad and mothering the four kids. Later on grandad started drinking too much alcohol and has once tried to commit suicide, and while it’s no longer a problem and he doesn’t drink at all, it used to be something that grandma really struggled with and couldn’t accept, and tried to desperately hide it from children in which she succeeded as my Mum only learned about his alcoholism when she was an adult. At some point as I told you grandma got a degree from theology and wanted to work as a religion teacher or something like that but then one of my aunts was born and there were quite awful complications and she was a very vulnerable and sickly baby even though now thankfully she’s thriving and perfectly fine.

Now my grandparents’ relationship is less stormy, as I said my grandad has mellowed a lot both to his wife and to his children and all his grandchildren love him dearly, though they’re certainly not madly in love with each other and grandma is still suffering because of grandad’s cynical/haughty approach regarding faith and that he treats her like she’s very inferior to him, but he does appear to love her in some way and cares for her in that controlling, possessive way as some people do since they can’t otherwise.

She has certainly had her fair share of sufferings, but, most importantly here, has been always so very committed, to her husband, children, and every other responsibility that life has placed on her. In a way I admire her for that, but on the other hand, the extend to which my grandma commits herself is sort of strange to me and I feel like I couldn’t do that without feeling frustrated. just every minute. She doesn’t actually have her own life. Her life evolves around her children and grandchildren, caring for her husband, their work, praying, and now there is a little bit of place for gardening, but that’s it.

My Mum is not like that, my Mum is stronger and more assertive, but still has that extreme ability to dedicate herself to others.

It makes me wonder how marriage and motherhood can really change you and your life so much. When it comes to me, I’m happy to help people, but I really don’t think I could commit myself to someone to such an extend and so unconditionally, it feels rather overwhelming and strangling. I still most probably have a fair bit of ife ahead of me and I know things can change, but so far I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to have children, and even if I would want at some point, I most probably wouldn’t be able to be a good mother for many different reasons. But I really admire my Mum in that, and other mothers who do it like this, silently and without shouting how altruistic they are, and I know that if ever my Mum would need someone to commit themselves to her, I will try my best to do it since I owe her so much. I am proud to say that now I can at least listen to her, and that even though it’s usually her who is the listener for others, I often listen to her when she has problems, and IΒ  am the first person she goes to since I got out of the boarding school if she wants to talk about some stuff that affects her deeply. i am happy she trusts me and that I can give her at least that.

What do you think about commitments in relation to motherhood/family life? What are your experiences with your mum, or with your own parenting if you are a parent? Are you deeply committed to anyone, be it in a relationship or whatever? If you’re not a parent, do you feel like you could dedicate yourself to your children full time or is your professional/social/any other aspect of your life so important to you that you couldn’t give it up? πŸ™‚

Question of the day (30th January).

How would you describe your mum to your friends?

My answer:

Hm, I like to think I’m pretty good at describing people, and generally descriptions. But, I think it depends. Onn what kind of friend it would be, and what sort of description would be needed. Should they be able to recognise her on the train station if they’ve never seen her before, know what sort of mother she’s like, her personality, her likes and dislikes, should it be long or short? There are so many different ways you can describe a person. But OK, I’ll try to write something. I can assume that if you’ve read my previous posts, you already know a fair bit of basic stuff about my Mum, so I’ll focus more on her character.

My Mum is a tall woman, 180 cm, dark-skinned, she has sort of olive carnation I guess it would be called, black hair, naturally with some delicate glimpses of red and hazel eyes. SHe has a round face but with quite gentle features. She is very fit and healthy overall, though apparently she’s just a little bit overweight. You wouldn’t see it though for sure. She is very strong, both physically and mentally, but also feminine at the same time, though likes to think about herself as a pretty tomboy. I wouldn’t say that’s true, but she likes to appear as such. She is a great observer, notices quickly all the visual details of a person or thing she looks at. She’s an aesthete, loves beauty, but usually not symetrical and obviously beautiful things. she is very interested in interior design, and talented at it, very imaginative, dextrous and creative, although she has a very specific taste in it, likes to combine retro stuff with a little bit of a modern vibe, all kept in dark, warm colours, with lots of naturality. She generally likes all things natural. She is hugely passionate about health, lifestyle, natural and minimalistic lifestyle. SHe can talk about it for AGES. What’s healthy and what’s not, why all the pharmaceutical market is cheating, what natural remedies/alternative treatments you should try if you have this or that condition! I am also somewhat interested in medicine, not everything about it, but yes, and I do agree with most things she says, they are definitely true and she is such an expert that I always wonder why she doesn’t have a blog and spread her knowledge further, but hearing all this over, and over, and over, and over, and over… and over again is quite annoying sometimes. My Mum is also a minimalist, or tries to be. She is somewhat interested in beauty stuff, but doesn’t actually have many cosmetics and doesn’t care about them (because they are all just chemistry and people are naive to use them), but she uses lots and lots of natural oils, as much for skincare, as in food. She loves running, is an addict actually, and also does Tibetan yoga. My Mum is a Christian, Catholic, and her faith matters hugely for her, but does yoga for its health benefits, not getting into the whole meditation thing. She loves being out in nature. My Mum is sort of impulsive and sometimes overemotional, usually very spontaneous, optimistic and rather cheerful and likes having fun, but on the other hand she can be also very anxious and hypersensitive. She knows a lot about people and has some sort of a psychological talent, she knows how to talk to them and is also good at negotiating. People usually think she’s charming and nice. She likes to make an impression of an incredibly self-confident person though, and she has become much more self-confident with time, but apparently she’d been really struggling with it and still does at times. She is a homebody, likes her own company, has a bit weird sense of humour, is very intelligent though tries to make everyone else including herself believe that she is just an average housewife and a normal villager. She’s open-minded, curious of the world and likes to have her own way of doing things. She needs her solitude but she also makes a great hostess and likes making parties, meeting up with her family or friends, being around people, can be very outgoing, expressive and also diplomatic. there is generally lots of contrary stuff about her, and she often feels ambivalent about things which sometimes makes her really edgy. People tend to like her and ask her for advice on lots of things, though she often feels misunderstood because of her quite an unconventional view on many things and her unusual, individuaistic way of being. She is very energetic by nature, but because she’s been dealing with anaemia, very low blood pressure, just like me, and earlier some unmanaged food allergies, she tends to tire quickly in recent years. She is very communicative. She is very changeable, both when it comes to her emotions and moods, and her decisions, or even views sometimes, she also tends to be rather impatient. She is loyal, caring, and a good listener, but she can also get very chatty. SHe has generally very strong will, but her incredible changeability can make an impression that it’s not true. She likes to think about herself that she’s like people in the renaissance, likes to do anything, but with moderation.

Of course there is much more you could say about my Mum, just like about everyone, but I think that will be it for now.

How about your mums? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

And, finally, the question for today is:

 

When was the last time you cried in front of another person?

My answer:

As you probably already know, I’m not much of a cryer and I hate crying, more so crying in front of others, so I try to avoid it as much as I can. So I don’t really know when was the last time, or why I cried. The only thing I can say for sure is that it had to be some time ago and that the only person in front of whom I ever cry nowadays is my Mum.

You? πŸ™‚

 

Question of the day.

Hi guys. πŸ™‚

The question I have for you today is as follows:

If you had to pick any family member to live with you forever, who would it be?

My answer:

Misha! God please let Misha be the longest living cat on Earth, even if it means that he’d be the most famous one and that I would have to bear nosy visitors from all around the world wanting to see 40-year-old Misha! I couldn’t do without Misha. But if we are talking exclusively about humans, my Mum, I think.

You? πŸ™‚

Hoping hearts.

Tomorrow my Mum has an appointment with a coeliad disease specialist in the afternoon, and in the morning, she will have some blood tests done, mainly to see if she has enough of iron, feritin, or however it is called, and how her thyroid hormones’ levels are, because she’s constantly very tired and having menopause so it was actually what I suggested her to do because so many women in her age seem to start to have all those Hashimotos, hypothyroidisms and stuff.

But what I’m mostly concerned about is that coeliac disease thing. She has had isssues with gluten and with food in general for a long time now, feeling unwell after pretty much anything she eats. It’s really concerning for me, and I know for her too, even though she pretends to take it easy. She had gastroscopy and colonoscopy done and thankfully there’s no cancer or other alike shit involved, I was freaking out it could be that. But still, the perspective of my Mum having coeliac disease quite scares me. I just hope it could be just something milder, something easier to treat, I’ve heard so many awful stuff about coeliac disease. Maybe it’s just some allergy or something. But even if she doesn’t eat any gluten she still feels tired and very often feels bloated.

and I know she’s stressed too, and can’t wait to know what’s up.

So we both, with more or less desperately hoping hearts, are awaiting for the results, and I, despite identifying myself strongly as a defensive pessimist, still am praying for the best possible outcome for her.

 

Question of the day.

What is on your mind, today? Anything you would like to share/get off your chest?

My answer:

As for me, there’s been a lot happening lately. As you may know, I’ve been pretty much depressed over the last few days. Sunday and Monday were awful, now things are going a little bit better, some external circumstances have taken part in it, that it’s getting a little better.

First of all, some sort of breakthrough has taken place. My Mum, my monolingual, self-doubting Mum, has started to learn English! She’s been thinking, or more like dreaming actually, about learning Italian, or maybe Russian, she does know some Russian from school, but it’s become quite rusty over time. And I kept telling her how good it would be if she knew English, because with her different interests she could find much more interesting stuff online, like she often does a lot of research about some health related topics, and it happens that things in Polish internet on that topic are just very limited, or poorly verified, or something, the more that these things she looks for are usually fairly rare in general. And she could find people that she could talk to, more people with more similar interests. I have never thought however that she could take it seriously, she always thought about learning languages as something exorbitantly difficult and just impossible for her because she “doesn’t have the gift”, whatever this gift is. So you can imagine my utter astonishment. It happened just out of the blue – I just finished my Welsh challenge and went downstairs to recharge my brain with some sugar. Mum was in the kitchen and I told her that I just finished my Welsh and then she asked me how I actualy learn languages. So I gave her a lecture, because there are tons of things I do for every language, and then she started talking about her Italian, how would it be to learn it, and would she really manage. I said she sure would, it’s just the thing of finding the best method. And then she started to look up the apps for learning languages. I told her that actually if she would really like to learn a language, I would recommend English as first because then she can have more resources to learn whichever language she wants. There sure are lots of resources to learn Italian via Polish, it is a popular language so why not, but if she wanted a really good and helpful phone app, I would rather search for an English one. There is Duolingo, which I’ve never used myself, but a lot of people I know did, and it has a Polish version, but as much as I know about it, I wouldn’t recommend it for a beginner. So then she told me she actually doesn’t mind learning English first. She brought out Zofijka’s textbooks and other books to learn English that she had, and never really used, because Zofijka absolutely hates English, and Zofijka’s flashcards. And, just started to learn English. For me it seemed very impulsive and short-lasting, but three days have passed and she’s still going, and she has mastered to be and to have in present tense, as well as transforming simple sentences into questions. She’s having a very hilarious accent, but she’s going. And she has absorbed a huge amount of vocabulary. Well, in the world that is overflowed by English, she’s got in a lot before, consciously or not, and that’s a huge plus too. The only thing that is actually very disturbing and that I guess needs much more work than her English itself, is her confidence, she just can’t get it that she can be, and actually already is, good at English, as for her level and the pace she goes on. She looks forward into future and is very nervous about how much she still has to learn, and how it all seems to be difficult, every single failure is like a proof for her that she can’t do it, and is doing everything wrong, she is frustrated that she doesn’t remember words by the first time she hears them and thinks she has bad memory. I’ve tried a million times to tell her that I am learning a third language and still have many of these issues she has, and lots of other people have it, but I guess she needs time to grasp it. And when I try to motivate her and tell her it’s not as she thinks, she thinks I’m just trying to cheer her up. But I am genuinely amazed with her progress! She’s doing really a lot each day. I asked her what’s actually her main goal, or motive behind it, because if she doesn’t have any she can finish even quicker than she started. And she told me she just wants to keep her brain fit, same as her body. She’s doing five Tibetan rites, and she thought she should do something for her brain as well. Also she hopes she could encourage Zofijka more to learn English and help her with it. I tried helping her but it is clear that she’s just not willing to learn English, she started to hate it because of her schools, also she has significant difficulties with focusing her attention – she was born one month premature and apparently some attention deficit is the result of it, or some mild learning disorder, at least that’s what our Math tutor is saying. Though Zofijka isn’t not intelligent so I think she could do better, but so far even private tutors weren’t able to help her. And Mum also wants to just have something more meaningful to do. My Mum doesn’t have any other job than, as she calls it “home manager”, so I think it would be good for her to have something more to do and that it is a reasonable goal. We are talking a lot in English, despite her limited vocabulary, so that she just gets comfortable with the language, I encourage her to learn doing some enjoyable or funny things so that it’s a pleasure for her, and she puts a lot of effort in finding the right words or at least describing things on her own. She is also using a lot of resources, yesterday she even watched Ceebeebies. So yeah that was a shock for me. And that’s also something new to me, because of course I help her with her English. I am not good at teaching or explaining things to people, particularly those things I am particularly good and keen about, but I just make sure she does everything right, provide her with some advices and make for a conversation partner for her.

Another thing is that yesterday four years have passed since I left the boarding school forever. I am so relieved anytime I think about it. But I think that’s also why I’ve got a lot of awful memories out of nowhere recently and some pretty freaky nightmares about that time.

My grandparents will soon have their 50th wedding anniversary, they will have huge celebrations because of that, and that makes me more and more anxious. There will be more than 50 people, they are mostly family but many of them I barely know or don’t know at all. There will be a huge party even with dancing, I hate this kind of parties the most. But I need to go even just for my grandad. I know he isn’t keen about all that fuss either, but just has to adjust. And that’s so weird, since the anniversary is his, and as for my gramma, she is happy but it wasn’t her who came up with the idea, it were their daughters, and they both just agreed. Normally when there is a huge party like this my grandad always knows perfectly when to take a French leave and since he knows I’d like too, he always asks me if I want to go with him and he drops me home. But since now he is a host actually, I’m sure he wouldn’t do it, no matter how much he’d like to. I heard there will be some distant relative of my Mum who is called Jacek and I’ve heard lots of good things about him, and I was looking forward at least to it, to see what he’s like and maybe have some fun, but they say he won’t come. I feel like it will be incredibly boring, most parties are so for me, and being bored and anxious among lots of people is a pretty nasty combination.

It’ll be my nameday on Saturday – and no, I’m not going to invite anyone, I celebrate the nameday of my birth name for the purpose of the family, and my actual nameday of my legal name is just for me and those I really want to have fun. Because I just can’t understand what’s so fun in inviting lots of people, providing them with food and drink, making sure they have fun and enough to eat, smalltalking and faking a smile. Sure, I like many people from my family, some I love, but who is actually celebrating, if I/my Mum are the ones who have to organise everything, invite everyone because it’s some sort of stupid rule for them, because they expect it? That will be always one of the biggest world mysteries for me. So I just want to have fun the way I like it. As some of you may remember, I planned on going to the Italian restaurant with my Mum, I invited her and offered her that we two could have some yummy food, and generally just go out together. Today I wanted to make sure if she’s still up to, and she said that no, she isn’t, because one of Dad’s brothers had his nameday yesterday and he’s making a party on Saturday and she and Dad want to go to him. That at first annoyed me, because well I told her about it much earlier and she agreed and was happy, and now she tells me she has different plans, and only when I ask her directly. But I didn’t say anything, ’cause I don’t think there was much to say, since if they agreed to go to him it would be weird to cancel now, or my Dad would have to go alone, whihc I assume would also be weird – or he would have to stay home because Mum is going with me, and it wouldn’t be fair because I would feel awkward getting him a dinner, since he’s actually my boss so he should rather get one for me, they’re theoretically still his money anyway. πŸ˜€ And I just don’t feel like taking him with us, so it wouldn’t be fair to do this to him. So yeah, I don’t want to complicate things, but I think I felt hurt ’cause it looked like she didn’t want to go with me. Not that I so desperately wanted to go to that restaurant but just to have some fun time with her, thought it would be cool, and her reaction at first was like she was happy about it. But maybe she just hasn’t much choice and has to go to my uncle’s party, I don’t think I want to investigate. Anyway, I still am going to have fun, and that’s not the end of the world. That means that me and Misha will be home alon e – Zofijka’s going to the swimming camp. I bought myself lots of spicy snacks and other treats, I also bought some for my family and for Zofijka for her camp. So I will have lots of yummy food, and I will be listening to a few of albums that came out recently and that I was looking forward to like crazy, and I really can’t wait to listen to them and make some little reviews in my diary. am also going to start my Swedish course, to make my Swedish even better. I hope that such a nice day will help me to get out of that depressive whole, ’cause recently everything really seems to be a bit overwhelming and hard to cope with, and I find it hard to be around any people around whom I have to fake anything, so most people.

How about you? What’s been on your mind lately? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

What kind of dog would you get if you had a chance?

My answer:

As a loyal and consequent Jackophile… well, ya know what I’m about to pick… Jack Russell terrier. πŸ˜€ Actually, we thought about getting a Jack Russell sometime ago, but no, seriously… I’m afraid I have no clear idea. I like dogs, but I am not like passionate about them so am not an expert as for breeds and don’t have a favourite one. I’d just like it to be friendly and cute and clever. Zofijka dreams about having a dog, Misha is a bit too little for her, she’d need a companion with whom she could go for walks regularly and play outside, which she can’t do with Misha as we don’t let him out almost at all and if we do it’s usually by accident, plus their characters are as different as possible, Misha is a bit afraid of Zofijka’s exuberance and boisterousness. But neither Zofijka nor Mum aren’t decided as for what kind of dog exactly it should be. My Mum is terribly indecisive. Sometimes she wants a little, young and cute dog like a york so she could have it at home with Misha and they could play together and sometimes it could go out and then get back home and lounge on the pillows. Then she wants an older dog which is already taught some discipline so she wouldn’t have to teach it everything and it would be better to guard the house and it should be of a bigger breed and should only be on the backyard, not in the house God forbid! Then she says she doesn’t want any dog because then everything would be messy and dirty and it is too much of a responsibility for anyone here, particularly for happy-go-lucky Little Skunk Zofijka, instead she wants another Russian blue cat to keep Misha company – he’s really thirsty for any animal friends, it’s very visible he lacks it very much and is just bored most of the time. And sometimes she wants an Abyssinian cat. And then she doesn’t want any other animal because it’s just way too much for her to handle. Things are even more complicated because as long as we live here we had three dogs already, and all were just so stupid and two of them have ran away from us while the third one was trying desperately to run away because he missed his old family and was misbehaving so we sold him. My theory is that changing his name worsened the situation so much, because when he came to us, his name was Jacky, but Mum decided to change it because “it’s stupid” and because sometimes some people call Dad Jacky so it would be a bit confusing. He was going by Jacky for like three days and although he was sad visibly, when we finally changed his name to Bobby, the real troubles started. πŸ˜€ Well I’m sorta kidding but who knows… Wonder what’s his name now. Anyway, for my Mum, it all goes this way in cycles since about half a year now. πŸ˜€ Most recently when she was in a dog phase she wanted a pinscher. So nobody of us knows what kind of dog we want. πŸ˜€

How about you? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

Recently, I asked you guys quite a few questions about your families. Now I guess I’m going to focus on questions regarding reading. So the question for today is:

Do you remember your parents/relatives reading to you?

My answer:

Yes, I do. Being blind, obviously you have a bit limited choice of books you can read. Anyway so was with me when I was a child, as I weren’t familiar with that much of techy stuff, for some reason it wasn’t an important thing for our school to teach us about things that can help us read in this or that way. So when I was a little kid, even when was technically able to read and when I was at home, my Mum often read books for me. I think the first one she read to me was “The Six Bullerby Children” and so my fascination with Sweden started. I wanted her to read it to me again and again and again. And again. And then once again. And then I read it on my own, but actually could as well recite parts of it lol. Then I remember books like “KrΓ³lestwo Bajek” (The kingdom of fairytales) by Ewa Szelburg-Zarembina, “Anne Of Green Gables” and even popular science books like “Czy Wiesz Co Jesz?” (Do you know what you eat?), although being less than 5 I don’t think I understood much of it and I can’t recall more than just the plain fact she read it to me. So before I went to nursery she read to me A LOT, then not that much because I was at the boarding school almost constantly and of course Olek was little and she hadn’t much time for such things. But she still read to me from time to time. I think the last whole book we read was “SprΔ™ΕΌyna” (Spring, but not spring as the season, but the object spring) by MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz. I’ve read all Musierowicz’s books on my own as a teenager and “SprΔ™ΕΌyna” was the first to come out after I’ve read all of them and although it was released, it still wasn’t added to the catalogue in our library for the blind, so my Mum bought this book for me and read it to me. It took very long to go through it, but we did it. Oh and one summer a few years ago she read to me Lucy Maud Montgomery’s diaries, that was cool too! Now Musierowicz has released another book which I haven’t read as it’s not accessible yet, so maybe she’ll read this one for me too. She also read “Moomins” for me and my brother when we were kids. It happens that she reads a fairytale for Zofijka and I always listen to it too, I love fairytales from all around the world and my Mum is good at reading them. Recently we read a Russian one in which the main character was called Misha. πŸ˜€ I have the same book with fairytales as my Mum, moreover, I have many other books with fairytales, but I just like when she reads to me or to us. And it was me who picked that fairytale about Misha as I knew it was there. πŸ˜€ Sometimes Mum also reads to me some religious books, or about medicine, sometimes some newspapers and books to school if I can’t access them. . And sometimes I read to Mum as well, I’ve read to her for instance “Blue Castle” by Montgomery and “Outsider” by Colin Wilson, a book that made me thinking a lot and I thought she should know it too, but she couldn’t find it in bookshops.

Zofijka reads to me too, but more because she wants than because I do. She reads to me her obligatory readings. I always wonder why obligatory readings are so boring, or at least the vast majority of them, but they are anyway. I think it helps her if she reads them to someone.

When I was at the boarding school, my God mother came to me for a weekend and she read “Emily Of New Moon” to me. She told me we’ll continue when I’ll be back home, but it never happened. I was so curious that I just borrowed the book and ended up reading the whole series on my own. And I love it and find it my favourite series to this day. I just love Emily so much and generally Montgomery’s books, they’re about me lol, well most of them anyway. πŸ˜€

And I recall one time when my gramma read to me during one summer holidays when I was very small. SHe read to me some kids poems. Nothing fascinating, but I was happy and amazed she’s reading to me, as she has always been a very busy person. πŸ˜€

How about your experiences? πŸ™‚