A mid-week coffee and everything else share.

I wanted to do a Weekend Coffee Share post this past weekend (finally), but didn’t end up doing it, of course. I planned to do it on Sunday but had a terrible headache for pretty much all day and didn’t feel like writing anything overly complicated. And, actually, I’m not even sure what I’m going to write about because there’s not that very much going on, or I can’t write about everything that is publicly. So we’ll see where this coffee and tea and everything else share will take us. I hope you’ll join in.

Get yourself a mug or a glass of something delicious to drink, maybe a snack or a meal and let’s get started. I’m just going to drink water because that’s what I feel like drinking right now, and I’ve actually just had supper. But if water doesn’t feel sophisticated enough we can pretend it’s champagne because my water bottle is glass and, according to my Dad, looks very much like a champagne. 😀 You can have some of my Mum’s chicken and pasta casserole or bring something to the party yourself. 🙂

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…?

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am getting more and more excited and thrilled about my project of My Inner Mishmash Readership Award. The official announcement of the winners is going to take place on November 26 (I would like it so anyway) the day when the awards will be sent out to people. I tell everyone that it’s the first year in a long time that I’m excited about Christmas time and can’t wait for it, hahaha. I’d like to make this award my yearly, Christmas tradition, unless the winners will be exactly the same every year. But it’s also quite stressful. I’m not preparing it on my own, my Mum helps me a whole lot obviously and I depend on other people too to prepare some things, so I’m quite stressed out and desperately praying that it’ll be all ready on time, and rushing my Mum all the time because we haven’t even got the half of it done yet. My Mum takes it very slowly with such things, and is often late, so I’m glad I’ve started it out in late September, and if it gets very hectic I might get to it even earlier next year, just in case. But anyway it’s gonna be lots of fun I think, and I hope my winners will feel appreciated and I’ll make them happy.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that our dog, Jocky, who is 1-and-something-year-old, has been fixed last week. He looks so poorly. It was necessary because there is an awful, old bitch in the neighbourhood who seems to appeal to all the dogs in the area and attracts them with an unbelievable strength. We didn’t want him to go there, and not letting him go was so awful because he would howl all nights and seemed so unhappy. Now he just seems miserable, and the whole experience of getting Jocky fixed was very unpleasant and unsettling for Zofijka, but I believe it’s all temporary.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I had a Zombie day on Wednesday. My horse riding instructor offered me that I could go riding that day but I said no, because it just didn’t seem right to ride on a Zombie day. I feel dizzy and floaty on a Zombie day and so my balance on horseback would be even worse, and that would only make me more anxious. Also, well, it requires a good deal of focus for me to ride and do all those exercises that I do, and to do them well, so I would just feel disappointed with myself, and obviously you never have enough energy after a sleepless night. I went riding only once during a Zombie day, and got a massive panic attack and couldn’t recover for ages, and I don’t normally get panic attack as my anxiety is more of a chronic and generalised kind. Anyway, I didn’t go and had a very lazy, hazy and crazy, lousy and drowsy day at home, but it was one of such things that no matter what I would do, I would regret it, so all day I was like “Oh no, why didn’t I go riding? What a pity I couldn’t go riding. Maybe I should go riding? Why did I miss my riding this week?”. Especially that, as you may remember from my post about Zombie days, I struggle a lot with decision making on such days. By the evening I was absolutely exhausted but, already in bed, I tuned in to BBC Radio Cymru and realised with a thrill that this was the day on which the BBC Radio 2 Folk Awards ceremony was about to happen, and my current music crush –
Gwilym Bowen Rhys – was one of the nominees for the Folk Singer of the Year Award. So I switched to BBC 2 and, instead of going to sleep as a proper Zombie should at 9 PM, if not much earlier, I listened to the ceremony, and enjoyed it a lot because there were other people too that were either nominated or won some awards, whom I knew and liked. A bit sadly, Gwilym didn’t win, but oh well, I think he has a chance to do so in the future if he’s been already nominated this year. The next day, my instructor said she could fit me in as well, but I decided not to go again, I just didn’t feel quite well mentally, just not in the mood whatsoever.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you that, thankfully, last week my instructor was flexible and could also fit me in on Friday, which I did accept and went riding, as I felt much less shitty. Still not very well but I thought I could manage it and I don’t like having too long breaks because then it’s just harder and I feel more anxious and unsettled beforehand, and it’s just a pity when I have to miss a whole week, and, because my instructor is very busy, it does happen a lot of the time. I was very anxious beforehand despite I still take my medication before riding to feel a bit more at ease. It took me a long time to relax, the more that we decided to go to the forest and ride there. I hadn’t been riding in the forest for about two years! And I had to sort of get used to it again. To the different ground and landforms and it just took me a while to feel more confident. I generally love to ride in the woods far more than just in the hall where you go round and round all the time but this time it was a bit more stressful than enjoyable. I just hope next time, whenever it’ll be, will be better. It was Rudy’s 20th birthday (60 or 60-something in human years) so he’s got lots of carrots afterwards. But before we finished, we came back to the hall for a while, and I did quite a few circles of both sitting trot and rising to the trot and some balance exercises, and riding sidesaddle – like ladies used to in the olden days. – We have no sidesaddle as such in the stud but I was just riding as if I was in a sidesaddle, in such a position. It is also a very good (and very scary) balance exercise. Previously I was able to do only one circle of it and was all dizzy afterwards, but this time I dared to do a few circles, though still with my instructor’s assistance. I am hoping I’ll soon get better at it and it’ll be less scary haha, and then maybe will also be able to try riding backwards again. I used to once but could only manage a few steps and it scared the shit out of my brain. 😀 But yeah, overall I enjoyed it a lot. Rudy’s hair is very thick now though, for the winter, so he was completely worn out and sweaty when we finished. I just have to remember to take my allergy meds before the riding, and not after, haha, so I can be more efficient and have my airways clear. My horse allergy is not strong but it really is a pain in the neck, especially if you forget your meds. 😀 I won’t be able to ride this week because my instructor is very busy.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I had an awful day on Sunday. I had lots of nightmares and woke up with my head throbbing like hell, and couldn’t get out of bed, so I didn’t until afternoon. A very lousy Bibiel I was! Zofijka fell down and got a mild concussion which scared her, but then she said that after all she doesn’t use her brain anyway, so she doesn’t care if some of it has spilled out. How honest! 😀 My headache went away in the evening but I was still anxious and just blah. My parents had their acquaintances come over in the evening and had a little but very loud dancing party, which really annoyed Zofijka, who was tired and her head was hurting after the fall, and all the noise didn’t let her fall asleep. Thankfully, her brain seems to feel better now.
What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

Fundraiser Update:

Morgueticia and her daughter are in a difficult life situation and really need our help. If you can, please donate to her fundraiser, or share this post so that others can help too.

Take a Ride on My Mood Swing

You can read about it here.

Bottom line, we need about $300 by next Tuesday to keep service, the another $270 by April 2nd. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS is the only thing keeping us from our goal which is to not lose electricity right now.

I AM BEGGING AND PLEADING EVERYONE TO HELP ME OUT HERE. I KNOW PEOPLE USE SOCIAL MEDIA, I KNOW SOME CAN DONATE FIVE BUCKS, I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE SOCIAL MEDIA GENIUSES WHO COULD HELP SPOOK AND I GET THIS DONE.

The only reason I’ve linked to paypal here is because receiving funds through gofundme can take up to 5 business days and this disconnect notice’s shelf life will expire before that.

Please help us.

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Still without my laptop.

Hi guys! 🙂
So yeah it’s just as in the title, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it fixed very soon. It looks like it’s more an issue with the sound in general than with the screen-reader, and yesterday I called the IT specialist to ask him to look at it again, and I told him roughly what’s going on. He said he can’t come earlier than tomorrow 6 PM but even he agreed with me that it looks pretty bizarre, so I don’t expect it to be fixed right away as neither me nor him have any idea about what’s causing it at the moment.
So as you can imagine I’m pretty bored already, though luckily I have tons of books and still have some of my music, a lot of music actually, but not my entire collection, on my PlexTalk, and of course what’s the most important I have Misha, who really helps me when he’s around because mentallyI feel rather crappy, havinglots of memories and weird dreams because of September coming very soon and in this situation I’m in now it’s hard to distract, plus feeling ratherisolated doesn’t help even though in most cases I find my own company to be just enough.
Our two little cousins are here with Zofijka and Mum’s going with them to the amusement park soon. Yuck! Anyone else hating amusement parks? I hate them fiercely, probably just because of my screwed k_p labyrinthum and that I was forced to go there at school at some special occasionsbecause it’s “fun”. 😀 Though I am happy they’re having fun, Zofijka loves amusement parks and she doesn’t seem to be as lucky as I was and it’s rare for her to be able to goto them often.
Misha wants to say he had a breathtaking adventure yesterday, being able to hang out with the magpies through the window. Mum says he’s poor, because they clearly laughed at him and looked like they screamed at him to go away, but he doesn’t think he’s poor, he wasn’t afraid of them and didn’t care about them making fun of him, he was happy to have some other beings than humansto interact with, and seemed very agitated because of that, but s also very brave and courageous, and if you openedthewindow,I’m really not sure whether it would be Misha who’d run away first. He still seems to be a little agitated and often looks at the window as if he wanted them to come back.
Yesterday I finally got my packet of treats from that online shop I told you about in the last Music Monday Care & Love. I waited for it about a week so much longer than the last time I was buying snacks and sweets at their shop, but never mind. The Jalapeno Pepper Jack Lay’s are way too addictive, yesterday just me and Zofijka, with a really little help from our cousins, ate one pack of them. That led us tothe conclusion that if we livedin the US we’d eat “the Jack chips” for every meal. 😀 Don’t think I’d really want it and I wouldn’t like to see how fat we’d be then, but hey, everyone can dream and not have to fear it may ever come true, right? 😀
And on Sunday we all also had lots of delicious food, way more healthy. We went to the pizzeria nearby, it’s a pizzeria but you can eat much more there than just pizzas and related stuff, it’s pretty much like a restaurant and we really like it. And we had a big dinner, or actually a lunch, as it was rather early. I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I had very low BP and feeling a bit rubbish and I thought I’m anything but hungry, but finally I went too and I suddenly s very very hungry so that I even helped my Mum with her food, although I oftenstruggle to eat all of mine as they make really big dishes. We were all glad overall.
I’m sorryI haven’t been reading much of your blogs lately, that sucks, and I don’tknow whether I’ll be catchingup on absolutely everything when I get my computer fixed as it’ll probably be a whole lot of posts, but I don’thave the access to my email from Braille-Sense, so I can’t be up to date with all of your blogs, but I hope I’ll be soon. 🙂
OK so that’d be all from me, hope you’re having a goodweek and more productive than mine haha.

Milestone meet and greet – mental health and mental illness related.

As you may remember, a few days ago My Inner Mishmash turned six months. Therefore, I came up with the idea that I will host a meet and greet on my blog celebrating blogging milestones. Each of these meet and greets will be focused on a particular field, that is also a part of my blog and my life. Every time I will achieve a blogging milestone, I will make a meet and greet post dedicated to bloggers blogging about something particular, so that they can promote themselves a little bit and those who are interested in the topic may find some new interesting blogs to read. Some of the topics may be a little niche since many of my interests are.
This meet and greet is for mental health and mental illness bloggers. If you suffer from a mental illness, work in the mental health field or are interested in these topics and blog about it, please feel free to share your blog. Also those who aren’t mental health bloggers, but have written a post or a few on this, are welcome to share.
I hope it will be a nice way for us all to find some more blogs to read and that those of you guys who will share with us will gain some new readers. 🙂 Rules:
1. If you blog about mental health/mental illness, leave your blog link in the comments. If you aren’t a mental health blogger, but have a post(s) you wrote, regarding these topics and would like to share, feel free to do so and leave the link(s) as well. 2. Tell us as much as you feel like about yourself and your blog. 3. Reblog if you’d like, so that more people will know.
4. Visit some of other commenters’ blogs, read their posts, give them a follow, a like, or leave them a comment, just mingle a bit since that’s what it’s for, so that they know you visited and enjoyed. I hope you’ll have fun and I’m looking forward to read your blogs. 🙂

Anyone else not sleeping?

Goodnight, good morning or whatever people say at 04:10 AM. 😀

Yeah, another night of no sleep. With the difference that this time I won’t be able to catch up on sleep in the morning if I’d become sleepy as I have things to do in the morning. So unless a miracle will happen and I’ll get an hour or two of sleep until 6, I think I have a zombie day ahead, as I always call days after a completely sleepless night. Ugh, I hate it so much. But maybe if I’ll go zombie for a day, my sleep routine will settle back and my brain will get in which timezone I am. The good thing however is that Misha’s with me fast asleep in his basket, giving me some more sense of safety, and, which I am very gateful about, my anxiety is definitely not as overwhelming as it was last night. I mean it still is there, but it isn’t so exhausting and I am more functional so after like two hours of tossing and turning I got up and started doing some nice things like I wrote a bit of a next chapter of my book. It’s called “Jack Hamilton” and I’ve been writing it for years, finding comfort in it. Jack Hamilton is just a simple guy, but with very complex life and he’s quite funny, he is actually writing his story on its own. I often plan to direct his life and make him do what I want, but I end up writing something completely different like he’d want to write a life scenario for himself. I planned to publish Jack, but firstly now it’s definitely too long, and secondly, he became my close friend over the years, someone extremely close to me, almost ten years now. My God I can’t believe I can manage with him for so long. He isn’t easy to live with. And although many people know I’m writing a book about a guy called Jack Hamilton who is half Irish half Swedish, even know some of his life story, I’ve never shown anyone more than my notes before writing an actual chapter. I feel like my relationship with Jack, although he’s only my creation, is very intimate is some way.

Besides Jack, I’ve been reading my book, snuggling Misha, still have music on and I think soon I’ll go to bed again just in case I might fall asleep, although I highly doubt it could happen.

Who else isn’t sleeping for whatever reason?

Happy birthday, Olek and Mum!

So as I wrote a while ago today my brother Olek and my Mum have their birthday together. Olek is now 19 and I can’t believe it’s my Mum’s 45th birthday. She definitely doesn’t seem her age for me.

Besides having completely sleepless and very anxious night, I’m doing well. I could catch up on sleep in the morning which I did. It’s crazy to fall asleep at 7 AM, innit? 😀 But I’m glad I fell asleep finally, I prefer to sleep during the day than go around looking like Zombie and feeling totally rubbish, especially that with all the celebrations we had quite an eventful day. Although I doubt I will sleep tonight too, but well, we’ll see.

So right now we had a full house with lots of family, they came around 6 PM and I stayed with them for a few hours, but then me and Misha took a French leave before nine and are both in my room together. We have loads of delicious food, my Mum’s spectacular dessert which everyone likes and which never is boring – meringue with fruits (today peaches and billberries), a cheese cake, chicken wings, gyros salad and chops with chilli and mushrooms and other stuff, and some nachos and breaded nuts. Misha loved the chops.

Earlier today when I woke up we went with Zofijka to the shop and bought Mum a blanket she wanted to have. It looks really cosy and snug. I got some money for Olek as right now it seems to be the thing he needs and dreams about the most, plus I just hadn’t got any other idea honestly.

Also I will get some music for Mum as she mentioned to me she doesn’t have anything new to listen in the car.

As for other things, on Thursday I had an appointment with that OM doctor who is also a dermatologist and about whom I wrote some time ago, this time I saw him as a dermatologist because of my dry skin and the infection I have on my leg, but he didn’t really tell me anything which would be very new to me. He said I shouldn’t take showers but rather baths and don’t use a usual soap. I stopped taking showers last week already and we all always use black soap which is natural, also I try to make my baths possibly short most days. He also told me I should moisturise my skin and he prescribed me something moisturising. I moisturised it before as I thought it’s logical when you have dry skin, but I did it with oils, so maybe that cream he prescribed me will be more helpful, I didn’t collect the prescription yet though. And he told me the issue should ease a bit as the winter will finish which he told me last time too and which I’m really hoping for. I showed him my leg and he said he also thinks it may be because of my dry skin, then I mentioned to him that I showed it my GP two years ago and she said it might be staphylococcus and he said that yes it might be this too, but didn’t even suggest to make any tests or didn’t prescribe anything specifically for it, so looked pretty much like he didn’t know what it is. I told him I try to treat it with tea tree oil which seems to help and he said I should continue with it as it helps with healing. So, both me and my Mum, who also has dry skin and he says it’s genetic, we felt a bit like we wasted our time going there.

Yesterday I had “brain drainage” in the evening – that’s how I call Maths because I always really feel brain-drained afterwards 😀 and I hate it – and because I was feeling so drained I decided to have some self care time. I had a long, oiling, moisturising and relaxing bath with olive, coconut and sunflower oil and Epsom salt. I felt a bit like I was sitting in some mediterranean dish lol, Greek salad or something, wondered whether I maybe should put some feta cheese or olives into it too 😀 it was really oily, but I felt a bit desperate to do something with my skin as it pisses me off more and more. It’s strange that it never was so hardcore until this year, I’ve never realised I had dry skin before. So I spent there about 15 minutes listening to Plu and relaxing and even took a drink with me to the bathroom and drank it, it was Jack Daniels with Pepsi. I love Jack Daniels (not only because it’s Jack 😀 ), this is actually the only alcohol I drink, and I didn’t have it for ages, since September, but somehow I felt I’d like to drink it that evening. It was so good to hear Gwilym singing and drink Jack. I felt very moisturised afterwards and also very relaxed and warm, so I think it was a good idea, although I think I should probably repeat it once or twice as I felt itchy again later at night, but not as horribly as it used to be recently. The doc said I may feel more itchy when I’m stressed and I was definitely very anxious at night so I think that could be a reason for it.

So yeah, the evening after Maths was definitely fabulous for me.

The night was pretty rough as I mentioned, my Mum suggested it was maybe because of Jack still circulating in my blood and I also think that’s possible. I felt somehow very agitated and anxious, sometimes even panicky and it was very exhausting. Misha wasn’t with me, I looked for him for a while but felt too overwhelmed and scared in general to walk around the whole house and look for him everywhere, I hoped he’d come to me later on but it didn’t happen and everyone was asleep so I didn’t call him with food as it makes a bit of a noise.

I still felt that anxiety staying with me for most part of the day, also probably because of so many people around, but now I’m not anxious almost at all.

How is your weekend going? 🙂

A quick update.

I didn’t write anything about my life for quite a while, recently I feel like I’m behind everything, so decided to do it quickly today as I have a bit of free time on my hands.

So I’m back in the routine since last week, my winter break has finished and all goes relatively well. Besides being busy with school, my languages, family life and other stuff, last week I also went to the OM doctor. I think I didn’t mention yet that I am working since about two years in my Dad’s company as an office worker. My Dad is a tank driver and delivers fuel. I don’t do much and it’s surely nothing like the job of my dreams, but I can earn some money which I can save for the future or spend for some things just for myself which I really appreciate and I think I’m lucky I’m in such situation. I suppose lots of disabled people would love to have such a start in life, no matter what they’d do next. So obviously I need to go to the OM doc every year, I had my bloods taken and other things like that and then I talked to him. At some point he wanted to measure my blood pressure, he took my arm and was very astonished why my skin is so dry. Actually, I was astonished too, because I never really thought it was dry. I do have hypothyroidism, but I always thought that, especially as for a person with hypothyroidism, my skin is definitely OK. So I told him I have thyroid issues and maybe it’s about that, but he said he doesn’t think so. My Mum, who was in there with me, was astonished too. He asked her if it feels like her skin is dry. She said that no, absolutely not. We both were actually convinced our skin is very smooth. But he asked her to show him her arm and he said that it is dry. So that amazed us even more, like I didn’t know whether to actually believe him. And he said he’s a dermatologist, besides being an OM doc and we could make an appt with him as a dermatologist if we wanted to. So then I told him that although I’ve never thought about myself as having any bigger skin issues, recently I have often pretty disturbed sleep because of being very itchy at night and Mum said the same is with her, which I already knew about. So he told us there is apparently a genetic condition and when you have it, your skin tends to be dry and the problem increases in winter when you have the heating on or if you stay in air conditioned rooms for long periods of time. I surely am not in air conditioned rooms often, but obviously we do have heating on now when it’s winter and that itchiness occured in me very recently. He also said you can have skin infections frequently, can feel more itchy while having shower or when you’re stressed and that’s exactly what me and Mum experience from some time. So we decided we’ll book an appointment with him. I’ll have it tomorrow. I’m interested what he’ll tell me and what’s this condition, I’ve never heard of it. Sometime ago I wrote about the infection I’m having on my leg and maybe that’s why it’s occurring. So I will show it to him and maybe he’ll have any idea what to do with it, as I definitely don’t want to have it again and want to heal it as quickly as possible, I want to be able to horse ride again, but it’s too painful right now so I wouldn’t have any pleasure of it. So that’s it about my appointment.

As for other things, I finally got accepted to write my final exams in the school for the blind and not the school I’m attending to. My school is a mainstream school and it would be hard for them to technically adapt the exams for me and I would feel challenged and both me and my Mum think like I’d have quite a lot of additional stress while I’ll be already stressed out just with exams, so I’m glad I don’t have to worry about technical stuff now.

The only thing I am worrying about in this case (besides passing the exams of course) is that there is a boarding school as well. While having exams, me and my Mum will most likely have to stay there. It’s not the boarding school I was in, it’s a completely different school and I will stay there with Mum and Zofijka, but I feel kind of stressed about that. I feel like it can be a bit triggering. And I feel weird admitting that actually. I know it’s another school, other circumstances, but seems like my brain doesn’t know that. And that makes me wonder whether if simply staying in the surroundings resembling my school, where I didn’t feel well emotionally, makes me so anxious, even if the circumstances will be completely different, whether it means I have some more trauma around that or what… It makes me feel really weird, it was a really hard time for me, being there, lots of hard stuff, but I wasn’t abused there, well there was a time when I experienced emotional abuse from the staff, but my Mum realised what’s going on and it stopped reoccuring. But other than that, nothing really dramatic happened, no one did any harm to me at least not consciously. So I would really like to know what it’s all about. And, actually, that isn’t the first time and situation in which I’m wondering about it. Am I more traumatised than I think, or just so horrribly emotionally weak? I don’t know if it makes sense for you, I’m not even sure if it makes sense for me so… well it’s just so strange. 😀 But there’s still some time until May, so hopefully I’ll be able to pick myself together a bit until then. I didn’t talk abaout it with my Mum, but I talked briefly with my Dad. Not about my emotions around that, but just asked him if he would be able and if he would like to go there with us. Because if he could, it would be easier to move around and I know that my Mum would prefer it too, then we could stay somewhere else outside the school. But his work hours are very unpredictable so he didn’t tell me anything in particular and I know he would be bored to death there even if he wouldn’t have to work, so my question was actually rather theoretic.

And the last thing I would like to mention about is that last week I got a wonderful gift from my Maths tutor. She is a typhlopedagogist and surdopedagogist and because I am learning on my own outside of school, just at home, but having trouble with Maths, I have lessons with her two days a week and she explains stuff for me. She is also helping Zofijka with her Maths, although Zofijka goes to school regularly and doesn’t have any special needs, but has issues with Maths and it’s just easier to pay for one tutor than for two. And Zofijka is absolutely fascinated by her. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you is, last week on Tuesday, when she came to us she had three large boxes of gem stones for me! I was so excited and I really appreciated the fact she remembered that I collect gem stones. After all she’s only my tutor, but she’s really involved and helpful. Some time ago we chatted after the lesson and she saw my huge collection and I told her a bit about it and showed her many of my stones and she mentioned her brother was collecting gem stones and other minerals when he was younger and now no one cares about them so she brought them to me. And there are a few pretty rare minerals, some which I looked for and couldn’t find anywhere, so, yeah, I was extatic. 😀

Today I’m having a really peaceful day finally which I really appreciate. I spent a lot of time with my Mum. Zofijka has sinus infection so she’s still at home and we played a lot. And although I had lots of weird and sometimes scary dreams recently, I feel really well today.

How is it going for you guys? 🙂

Present.

It’s often hard for me to live in the present

.I’ve always had a tendency to either worry to much about the future, or delve in the past, analysing all the awful stuff that happened to me or idealising my good memories, or when my future seemed absolutely hopeless to me, to escape into daydreams where everything looked colourful and I could entertain myself with millions of beautiful scenarios of my life and the reality around me.

I noticed it at some point a few years ago, while talking with my Mum about something good that happened to me in the past and I was all like “oh it was so good back then” and Mum finally told me something that really amazed me and gave me a lot to think about. She said she thinks I think about the past or the future so much that I don’t live the present and can’t appreciate it, and so my own life flies past beside me, without me taking actually part in it. And although it sounded harsh and brutal for me back then and I immediately said it’s not true, it stayed with me and I thought about it a lot.

Finally I realised it’s true. I realised that when those things I liked so much about the past, when all those nice moments were happening, I didn’t think much about them, didn’t think they are nice because my mind was focused on so many other things, negative and stressful things, so I didn’t really live that moment, only in my memories afterwards. I know now that there is even the word for it in the Welsh language, which can’t be translated directly to English, it is “hiraeth” and it means longing for things, or particularly places, that don’t really exist, because you idealised them in your mind. Like your motherland for example, when you’re an emigrant. Some time passed away, so it could change, and your mind deludes you that it was better than it ever was because, the grass is always greener… obviously. Hiraeth may also refer to the longing for something you don’t know, so you know you feel the longing or yearning and it’s very strong, but you don’t know what’s it all about so it’s a bit frustrating. Oh but I shouldn’t talk about the hiraeth now!

So I realised I was experiencing that what now I know as hiraeth and decided to change it. I thought it is a total and pointless waste of energy and of time to do what I did.

I started to try to see all the positive things around me and, pretty quickly actually, it wasn’t already so hard for me to notice different small things in life that could be enjoyable. I still am a pessimist, but not of that kind that don’t see any positives at all. My pessimism, as I wrote sometime before, is more of a defensive nature. And it doesn’t stop me from being positive and grateful for all the good things in life. I am very often depressed, but, unless it hits me really hard for some time, usually I’m not anhedonic, so, I still have my passions, things I like to do, and they usually help me. Also I cope better with not so distant future. Like, let’s say about three years ago, if I would have a nice weekend and could do lots of things I like, everything would be great, I wouldn’t focus on the weekend, but would likely freak out about all the stressful things that wait for me on Monday. Now I rarely experience it to an extent that really disturbs me a lot. If I have something stressing ahead, it’s still in the back of my mind, but if I’m doing something better right now, I surely won’t focus on that stressful thing. Why should I do it?

I think it is now easier to appreciate the life and all about it more, because the present is just easier for me than the past was. Just the fact that I wasn’t seriously suicidal in years now means I’m now in much better place than I was back then.

Unfortunately, I’m still worrying, sometimes almost obsessively, about the more distant future, it’s very hard to control it, especially in times like these, when I’m finishing one of the stages in my life and aren’t quite sure what to do next. I am still daydreaming, and, especially at night, different crappy memories like to remind me about their existence. I’m still trying to unlearn it. But at least I haven’t that feeling, that my life is going beside me, and I am stuck in the past or in the future and don’t take any advantage of it.

Do you also feel sometimes like you’re not living the present?

 

Suspicious.

My Dad is very suspicious

by nature. So suspicious that I often even call him paranoid. He was suspicious as long as I can remember, always thinking that all people around are cheating – on him, on us, on the whole world. Of course, especially media, politicians, health services, Mum, Internet… but in fact, more or less, everyone. He has always had a very hard relationship with Olek – my brother. I’m sure he loves him, but he always treats him like kinda black sheep and whatever he would do is automatically perceived as absolutely wrong. It was always a significant issue and a reason to worry for my Mum.

My Dad isn’t a man you could have a really deep discussion with, as much as I love him I have to admit he has his views, prejudices and so on so any deeper conversations usually won’t make much sense or even may cause an arguement. But even though sometimes it happens that we talk about more deep stuff, as he likes to talk to me. And sometimes I talk to him about what I’ve read in a speciffic topic we are chatting about. And then he is usually like: “Why do you think they are right? Maybe they just want to manipulate people. Maybe they have paid to write this and not anything else?.” And such thinking makes me feel helpless. I mean – sure, there are lots of manipulative people, manipulative strategies in media, some form of manipulation is probably almost everywhere, not necessarily to make us any harm, but if just everyone is manipulative, what should we believe in? Or why actually should we believe in anything? Why does he believe in God? Maybe it’s just one big cheating? You know, I’m not assuming it is indeed, I am Christian as well, but, thinking the way he does… everything looks so pointless, doesn’t it? Just think, everybody is a total cheater, there’s no one to trust in the world, you have only yourself, well, I wouldn’t even be so sure if he actually trusts even himself. It looks so depressive. And thinking about it, about what my Dad’s reality looks like, makes me depressive, even if it’s not really my reality. I am sorry for him that he chose to live in such an unsatisfying way. But I can’t change it. It is only he who could change it and although he’s grumping so often, he doesn’t seem to really want it.

I am also a pessimist although I think my pessimism is more of a defensive kind, you know, I prefer to be ready for the worst even if everything looks like it’s going to be all good, but that’s how different life circumstances made me and I like to think about myself I still have have the ability to be happy and appreciate even pretty small things and I don’t really like to complain in front of other people, I just find it pretty weakish, anyway when I do so. But my Dad’s pessimism, for me, seems to be only all about grumping, complaining about others, about other people’s dogs peeing where they shouldn’t, not doing anything constructive with his life and thinking almost only about bad things that are happening to him. What frustrates me, he never seems to be really glad of anything, or, more exactly, I suppose he must have some moments when he’s at least a bit happy, but he can’t show it and it really can piss off people around him if they try and do their best to make him happy or at least to make him appreciate what we do for him. Personally I feel like he always kinda favoured me the most in comparison to my siblings, so I didn’t feel it that much directly, but I’ve observed my Mum and my siblings who have  tried a lot to satisfy him and no one and nothing seem to be good enough which makes them discouraged, and me frustrated for them. Now as he is getting older, although he still isn’t old, all these traits seem to deepen, and he doesn’t even see it. I really do love my Dad and with years I’ve learnt how to act with him, but he’s going more and more annoying and challenging for us. As my Mum put it recently while talking with me – he wants to be mentally old. He is in quite good condition physically, but mentally gets old extremely quickly. He’s not even yet in his fifties, but looking only at his personality traits, I doubt anyone could guess it.

But what exactly did I want to say in this post? No, its main purpose isn’t complaining at my Dad, not even letting out my emotions related to him and his difficult and challenging way of being.

What sometimes concerns me, when I think about him, about what he’s like, is that although I think I can’t say I’m grumpy or really overly demanding for people, I see a lot of his traits in myself. actually more than in my siblings. I think, characterwise I am more similar to him than to my Mum, whereas my siblings are rather more similar to her. She says so too. And although of course he has also a lot of good traits, sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid because as far as I can remember I had issues with trusting people, not as he has, but rather in the way I’m always pretty distant to people, even those I want to be close to. I have always had the tendency to be depressive, to overthink, to feel hopeless. I am often very stressed out about small things and always very unsettled by any major changes in life, no matter if good or bad. I am slightly obsessed about my privacy. And I often feel ridiculously suspicious about people in some situations, which can be really mentally exhausting. I know that lots of situations in my life, often very early on, helped my to develop all that and it’s not only the case of just genes or the thing that I wanted to be like this, and my suspiciousness differs from his, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that someday, when I’ll be let’s say the age he’s now, I’ll realise that I am like him. Overly suspicious, cautious and not letting people to like me. That my life will be as hopeless and empty as his is, or seems to be for me. That I will clinge to my stupid daily routines like he does now in fear of just any changes. Luckily I don’t have such temper as he has so I think having such impressional tantrums won’t be my domain. 😀 It is Zofijka’s. 😛 and actually I always try to avoid this thought because I really don’t like to think about it and I feel like it’s a bit ridiculous to be afraid about such odd things which could only happen in very distant future, , but I can’t help I’m afraid about it. isn’t it a total paranoia to be paranoid about being paranoid in thirty years? 😀

 

Some random survey for you and me.

I’ve found some random get to know me kind of questions on the web and thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to share them with all of you, my readers, so that we could answer them and you could get to know me more and I could get to know you.
So if you like this idea, please give me your answers in the comments, or if you prefer you can pingback. Keep your answers as short or long as you want, as there’s nothing that could be too long in terms of writing and I myself always like to hear about other people, their likes, dislikes etc. 1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?
I often feel like I am much more creative at night if I don’t sleep, and beautiful things seem to move me more, so I think it be something creative, like writing. I am sure I would read loads of books and other interesting things and would dedicate this time for discovering as many beautiful things in the world as possible. 2. What would your perfect bedroom look like?
Mm, my current one is great, very cosy and pleasant and very much like me. What’s sure, I would ask my Mum to make it beautiful, I find my Mum an expert in interior design and everything house related. I would like my bedroom to be classy, cosy, rather not too modern, I would like to keep my current bed which is definitely too big for one person, but very comfy and I am very happy I don’t need to share it with anyone. I would like to have a place for all my gem stones and stone figurines, have some flowers and I would like it to be in harmony with my personality. as for colours I wouldn’t like to have anything red and I’d prefer colours like black, white, grey, blue and green. My current bedroom is dominated by green and I like that. 3. What fictional place would you most like to go?
Avalon, Valhalla or Asgard.
4. When was the last time you went for a walk?
On Wednesday, we went with my Mum for a long walk almost across our whole town. Now I don’t think it will be very soon I’ll go out for a longer walk because of my current issues with the leg. 5. What songs have you completely memorised?
When I get a musical crush, and I am always having some musical crush since 2009, I tend to listen to his/her music over and over and over and over again, with some breaks, but still very frequently, so I can memorise a lot of their music. I know Enya’s “Evacuee” and “Exile” by heart, some songs by Cornelis Vreeswijk, especially those that i’ve translated or tried to translate into Polish, I knew a lot of Declan Galbraith’s songs quite well, but now I forgot a lot of it. It’s different with Gwilym now, my current crush, because I am still not very efficient in Welsh language so it’s hard for me to memorise songs if I don’t put a conscious effort into it. However before I started my Welsh course, I tried different methods of learning vocab and my Swedish teacher recommended me to memorise a lot of songs, poems and everything rhyming or that is easy to remember. So I know quite a few traditional Welsh songs like “Calon Lân”, “Gwydr Glas”, “Lisa Lân” or “Arhyd Y Nos” etc. Oh and some Zofijka’s stupid songs she plays over and over so everyone at home knows them and there are things ranging from One Direction to kids songs to disco polo. 6. What are some small things that make your day better?
Misha (oops, I think he wouldn’t be happy if he saw I called him a “small thing”, but oh well, he’s not here, anyway, Misha’s affection and all he does for me, just his presence), beautiful things, like if I hear some beautiful words in any of my languages that I’ve never heard before, great music, an interesting book, a good laugh with Zofijka, delicious food, and so on and so on. A lot of things really. 7. How often do you people watch?
Honestly? All the time. You may think it’s hard or impossible if you’re blind, but I love to observe people’s behaviours, personalities, reactions, emotions, what they do and how they talk and about what. Just of curiosity. I like to imagine different things about them. My Mum and Zofijka are the same, just total, compulsive people watchers, but about looks. They will tell you all the details about a person they’ve seen even if it was just for a while – how she was dressed, how she walked, how she looked at people, etc. etc. It’s a bit like addiction. Sometimes it annoys me I pay so much attention to other people especially if things they do are in any way annoying for me. 8. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?
Hm, not sure. I like to have opinions about many things, but once I form them, I always internalise them and think about them a lot, so I get used to having them quickly, but although I don’t remember now any of my recent opinions, I’m sure I formed at least one new recently. 9. What is the most annoying question people ask you?
As much as I like to educate people about my blindness and answer their constructive questions about it, it always annoys me when people ask about things that are completely unrelated to my blindness, but people think that because I am blind, I can’t do them. For instance people ask me horribly often how can I have dreams if I can’t see. Where do you have a connection between dreams and sight? I don’t believe sighted people’s dreams are only visual and all the other senses are completely not involved. The absolute hit was when I was on a pilgrimage with my family and one elderly lady asked my gramma with total amazement: “How does she walk if she can’t see?”. 😀 Also, some members of my Dad’s family annoy me greatly asking me every time they see me (so once a month or more often) how many languages do I speak already. 😀 I don’t know if they really think I am such a genius that I can learn a language in a month or if it is ironic or something. But most probably they just feel obliged to talk to me and confused about what to talk about, as we don’t have much in common. 10. What is the best thing that happened to you this week?
That I finally got a confirmation that I can pass my final exam in a school for the blind, not in the school I’m at right now. It will be much easier, because my school isn’t really adjusted for the blind and it would be very hard for me (and for them) technically to take the exams here. The exam stress alone is definitely enough. 11. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn?
Ooooh quite a few. Most of them I’m still unlearning. Bitting my nails and lips, suppressing emotions, self harming when I’m very emotional, panicky avoiding anxiety provoking situations or things, thinking in Polish while speaking/writing in another language, judging people too quickly sometimes just because I have a good instinct and can “feel” them easily. 12. What takes up too much of your time?
Overthinking.
13. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?
Literature and music. I’ve had a friend who was a great sculpturer and he introduced the world of sculpture a little bit to me and I like to look at some beautiful sculptures, but I don’t feel like I know much about that and like I can really appreciate it. 14. What dumb accomplishment are you most proud of?
Dumb accomplishment? I assume it is the kind of accomplishment that isn’t very big and seems easy, but still is an accomplishment? If so… hm, let’s think. Managing Misha’s food, so that I can feed him on my own even if no one else is around. 15. What stereotype do you completely live up to?
I guess there can be many of such stereotypes. It’s hard to think about one in particular though… Well I am half Kashubian (it is an ethnic minority living here in the north of Poland in case you didn’t know) and although I don’t feel very much of a Kashubian myself and am not close to their culture, they say Kashubians are phlegmatic and at least a half of me is surely phlegmatic too. I think I may fit some stereotypes about the blind people too, but not that many. 16. What’s something horrible that everyone should try, at least once?
Fall from the horse. Definitely unforgettable experience. And not that scary after all, at least if you have someone to catch you or you are in the forest or anywhere where the ground is possibly soft and safe, brain concussion is definitely not worthy experiencing. 17. Do you have any scars, or birthmarks?
Unfortunately birthmarks are common thing in my family and as I have a very white complexion I have them quite a few, luckily they are rather small, but I would remove all of them most willingly. I have some scars after self harming mainly in boarding school, but since I didn’t want anyone to see, you wouldn’t see them at a first or even third glance, I think, or at least most of them. I had achilles tendons surgery and I have little scars after it and two scars on my calves after skin infections I had that were very hard to heal. 18. What is the last thing you created that you are proud of?
I am working on translating another Vreeswijk’s poem into Polish. If I’ll succeed and if it will really be a good translation, not a parody, I’ll be extremely proud. I am always so hyper every time I translate something by Vreeswijk. I’d love to translate his poems into Polish and show them to people. I don’t know if this makes sense because some people say only Swedes can get him fully as he wrote in Sweden and in Swedish, but I feel like I need to try for some reason, after all he was Dutch, not Swedish, so I am sure his poetry can be more accessible. 19. What is the most immature thing that you do?
The same as I’ve always had a tendency to act more mature that I was, I’ve always had some pretty immature habits or behaviours, so it’s hard to pick something that’s “the most”. I can laugh at very silly things with Zofijka, like toilet humour or very primitive word games or what other people do or say that we find funny, we play very silly games, everyday when we play with Zofijka we pretend Misha can talk and I talk for him, I still bit my nails sometimes, it’s often hard for me to be responsible for many things, I definitely hate changes, which many kids also do I think, especially that my hatred for changes can be really big sometimes, I can make laugh of pretty much anything, of course there are things I am serious about because they matter a lot to me or things like values etc. but it is never hard for me to find something funny about things or be sarcastic about serious things, sometimes it happens a bit involuntarily, that I have quite odd, sarcastic thoughts about things that I think I definitely should stay serious about.
20. What incredibly strong opinion or belief do you have that is completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things?
Nothing comes to mind right now, but I am more than sure I might have a few such opinions.
OK, that’s all from me. I can’t wait to see your answers. 🙂 Hope you enjoy it.

I just “loove” weird, scary dreams.

So as I wrote yesterday, today it is my Dad’s name day. We expected quite a lot of people to come in, my Mum’s and Dad’s family and Dad’s friend, but it’s a few minutes after seven now as I’m starting to write this and as for now only my aunt with her family visited us late in the afternoon and now there is Dad’s coworker and I think that will be all, and, to be honest, I am happy about that and my Mum is too, although we are both happy for different reasons. I am happy as I hate crowds and all related things, my Mum is happy because she won’t have to make as much food as she thought she’d have too.

I’m having quite a good day today and it would be really great if not my leg, which is still burning, and very poor sleep I had last night. Straight after I wrote yesterday’s post, I went to bed, just to lie for a while with Misha, as I was really tired of all that pain and all and maybe nap for half an hour or so. But I fell asleep and slept really heavily so that didn’t even hear poor Misha meowing to let him out, but luckily my Dad did. Finally my Mum woke me up at 11 PM asking me if I am going to sleep the whole night through in my dress and day clothes ’cause she doesn’t really think it is a good idea lol. As it wasn’t my intention and I also didn’t think it’s a very good idea, I showered and had a cup of tea, but then was awoken for too long I guess to fall in such heavy sleep again. So after some time I gave up and started to play with Misha, who is in a very friendly mood now again and acts really weird as for him and seems almost overly sociable. 😀 I can’t figure him out, I think. We both finally fell asleep around four, but now I think I could as well stay awake until all the civilised people in my time zone will wake up too, ’cause as soon as I fell asleep, I fell in the swirl of totally weird, scary and exhausting dreams with some extra attractions like sleep paralysis and false awakenings, I don’t know how many of them I had, but really really many and some part of my brain which stayed more or less conscious all the time when I was having these dreams was wondering whether actually I will ever wake up for sure.

It was like dozens of pretty realistic scenarios of my day, but each of them was very dark and scary, even though seemed normal, but everything around felt so incredibly gloomy and ominous and there always was a moment when suddenly lots of creepy things started to happen, most often pretty speciffic things, but I don’t feel very comfortable talking about it in detail, and deep down I always knew that actually I am still sleeping, but once those creepy things started to happen I knew it for sure. There were often moments I wanted to wake up or test whether it’s a dream or reality, but I either couldn’t move or my brain was playing tricks on me or everything was too foggy. I wanted to scream, but I know I didn’t, even though I dreamed I did but just no one heard me. I wanted to do so ’cause I thought then someone will come and wake me up. I was probably much more scared in all these dreams than it was worth it, I always am, in these dreams I was even thinking that now I will always be really afraid to fall asleep and wondered if I will ever truly believe I woke up, I was more frustrated and exhausted when I finally woke up, than scared and I often have much more scary dreams, but still, it was scary and I am glad Misha was with me, even though I didn’t think of it while having these dreams and I don’t think it could help me if I knew it then, but, you know, when you wake up and you realise you wasn’t physically completely alone in all that, it makes a slight, but comforting difference. Even though Misha wasn’t conscious at all what’s going on with me and I suppose no one would be. I hate waking up alone after such shit.

So it was half past seven when they finally let me alone and then Misha wanted to go out so I let him, but I was very exhausted after those dreams so I took a risk and decided to try to get back to sleep and maybe get some healthy sleep.

I didn’t have dreams like that, but I know I dreamed about something which frightened me, but it wasn’t any form of lucid dream luckily now, so I don’t remember it. But I didn’t really feel well-rested when I woke up. I slept until nine, but as I said I feel like I could as well not sleep at all. Hope tonight it will be better.

My Mum wanted to go shopping with Zofijka and I decided to go with them ’cause otherwise I would be home alone just with Misha, my Dad was working outside and Olek was at work. I like to be home alone, I really enjoy it, but I truly hate it when I’m particularly anxious or had some scary dreams. So we went for some groceries and bought a present for Dad, Zofijka wanted to buy some books and I went with my Mum to our mobile network operator to change my phone number. I felt like I needed to do it for some time already, just for safety reasons, as I have a friend from my school who was getting on my nerves recently, calling me or writing to me on every possible communicator and wanting me to do different things for her. I mean, it’s not like I don’t like helping people or it bothers me if people want a lot from me, but it was like she couldn’t accept I have other things in life of more importance to do than make her happy and be always available for her, she always seemed very hurt when I couldn’t or didn’t want to do something for her, and I felt like she takes a lot of people’s helpfullness for granted. Plus I don’t have good memories from the school and she just loved to talk about it and recall old, in her view, good times whenever we were talking. So at some point I realised that for my own well-being I definitely need to cut her off. And so I did. And life seems much more peaceful now, and although I feel a lot of sympathy for her, because she seems to be a very lonely person and I suppose I hurt her, I don’t regret my decision much, I never felt close enough to her to regret it. One thing I regret is that with cutting her off, I had to cut off or limit contacts with some other people from the same environment, with whom I maybe wasn’t best friends, but we liked each other. But I know they wouldn’t understand why I feel so uncomfortable around that girl and why I want to avoid her. Sometimes unfortunately it is so that when you make a choice and you know it is right, some of the consequences might be a bit hard, but as I said, none of those folks were my best friends, they were just nice people I liked and who as I suppose liked me in return. Luckily we don’t close to each other with that girl, we are in two different part of the country, so technically cutting her off was very easy.

When we got home I did a few Welsh lessons and I absorbed quite a lot of vocabulary today which I am proud of.

I also spent quite a lot of time with Zofijka and Misha.

I hope you all are having a nice Saturday.

Oh wow, I would never believe that writing a simple post will take me so much time! :O It’s already after 10 PM. But I always multitask and did a lot in the meantime, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. Sometimes when I was writing some longer posts with some of my more complex musings for my Polish blogs, writing the whole post could take me even a few days, so it’s my normal, I guess.

I think I’ll soon be off to sleep, so wish me good luck. 😉 I hope this night won’t be so scary and Misha will be so good and sleep with me. And I wish nice dreams to all of you who will go to sleep soon as well.

A bit of a mental health update.

I’ve had quite a tough time in a few recent days. It started on Thursday and it was even more tough because it was my birthday, so, you know, people would expect you to be happy, smiling and beaming, while I felt everything but that. Since I got up, I felt just so overwhelmingly depressed, plus extremely irritable and emotional, like anything you’d say could make me cry or scream, just like a minefield. Very unstable. So, although as I wrote some time before, I am still a master at stifling emotions and no one really could really see anything that’s going on inside me, even my Mum didn’t realise until I told her, it was really hard to keep things under control.
I had a very poor sleep the night before and maybe that contributed to it. I fell asleep sometime between 4 and 5, I had so many thoughts and feelings on my mind that they kept me up and anxious for the most part of the night. Luckily when I finally fell asleep, it wasn’t disrupted and I had some time to catch up on sleep before the noon. So as I said, I felt just massive floods of emotions going through me when I woke up. I felt like I was shaking inside and had a lump of rage and tears constantly in my throat, as if I was close to a meltdown, which felt a bit scary.
I tried to be smiling and I think I succeeded, after all I am sure that if not my emotional disregulation, I would surely enjoy that day much more.
My sis Zofijka was very sweet to me. She bought me a Toffifee, she knows I love Toffifee and she loves it too, so we were eating it together. Also she got me a pillow which looks like a cat and she called it Misha. My Mum got me a salt lamp, which is really lovely. And I got a cat figurine made of onyx from my Dad, so my gem stone figurines collection is now a bit bigger. It is very lovely too. I felt very grateful for how they knew what would make me happy.
The first more difficult moment for me during that day happened when my aunt, who is also my God mother called me to wish me happy birthday. She is kind of know-all person, quite judgmental and that’s why she often, consciously or not, hurts people with her straight-away, judgmental opinions, which surely aren’t facts, or with her “good advices”. I think almost everyone knows someone like this, who wishes you only well, but in fact every time you talk to them, you feel drained or hurt.
So this time wasn’t an exception and she kind of worsened my mood even more. So I decided that before any guests will come, I need some Mishtime, just Misha and me, otherwise I will explode and people will be surely very astonished and confused. So we had some time together with Misha and with some good, Norwegian electronic music on. I think Mishka realised in some way that I need him, because he stayed beside me for an entire hour, although it’s so not his style. We lied together and I was stroking him and listening to his sounds – his heartbeat, breath, his tummy and any other Mishsounds. They are all sooo cute! 😀 Really. And they are so soothing. That’s why I sometimes wish I could go inside Misha and hide there, although my sis says it’s weird, because she thinks Misha can’t be even a bit as beautiful inside as he is outside and she’d prefer to be small enough to fit his basket and curl up in there with him. Anyway, Mishtime made me a bit more relaxed for a while, but just for a while.
Finally the guests came and it turned out we’ll be having quite a lot of extended family here. Our family is rather big and they like gatherings and their food, especially my Dad’s family, so it was really quite a bunch of people. Although I know them all more or less obviously since they are my family, I didn’t feel very confident in such a big group of people so the anxiety turned on at some point as well. And then we also had a little family drama, not regarding me directly, but indirectly and it made me even more emotional, so after a few hours I just needed urgently to go away from all this. So did it. Misha was following me so we both went to the bathroom and I had a long, hot shower and cried my guts out, as I felt I needed it, where as Misha enjoyed his favourite activity – drank the water from the tap in the tube. He always drinks from everywhere but his own bowl. 😀 I couldn’t really get exactly why I had all these emotions and why they were so intense and mixed. So I cried a lot and for a while I felt I let it out, but it couldn’t be all, because I still was feeling very depressed and hopeless and lonely, although paradoxically the living room was full of people who came to me, at least theoretically. But I knew that if I came to them, the feeling of loneliness wouldn’t decrease. And I was just as crappy as I didn’t feel in weeks already. And then before I even fully realised what I’m doing, I cut myself. Again. Ughhh… Then, of course, endorphines started to work. But again, just for a while.
So I decided that I need to call my therapist. Well I’ve told you already that she isn’t my therapist any longer formally, but since I don’t have any other regular therapy instead, she checks in with me from time to time, like once a month or so. She’s very busy and has a few jobs, so it’s often hard for her to carve out some time. That’s why I was almost sure she won’t be able to talk.
But she was. And it already felt like a huge relief. I told her how unstable and chaotic I feel and like I can burst out with any minute and how unsafe I feel because of that and that I have no clue what could cause it, only that it may be some unprocessed stuff from the past or something like this. Then while talking to her about all that, I realised that it might be also due to PMS, as I have it. There was a little discussion about PMS on one of the lists I’m on exactly the same day, but I didn’t realise it may be due to PMS, or partly because of it, before I started to talk about it to my therapist.I talked to her about what’s going on in my life. That recently I am having sleep paralysis and all the scary dreams regularly again so often wake up pretty exhausted before I even start doing something more constructive. I also talked to her about my anxiety levels which are shifting quite a lot now, sometimes I can feel almost no anxiety and then suddenly it just hits me so strong that it’s sometimes really hard to stand it. Sometimes I even don’t see the reason of such reaction very clearly. And it’s often hard to hide from people that I am anxious, which I hate, because it still makes me quite unsafe when I know or even suppose that other people may realise what I’m feeling at the moment. I told her that I often feel like I don’t get myself AT ALL and how it damn frustrates me. And that I cut myself and now am frustrated about that too. We also talked briefly about my social anxiety in connection to my birthday. She already knows that this school year is extremely hard for me because of the final exams coming in May and stuff related to that as well as because I feel very unsecure about my future and it just looks so shitty and hopeless to me. So she asked me also about these things and how I am doing school wise. I told her that besides that previous exam session being much tougher for me emotionally than I’d expect and how drained I was afterwards, it’s fairly well with this now, I decided to slow down before the next term starts ’cause I feel I really need it and now I’m trying to think about school and my future as little as possible, but I think I’ll have a gap year before I’ll start with any further education. Just to have more time to consider what would be the best for me and also to recharge after this year. And maybe gain some new skills like a new language, find another job, so I’ll have more money either to save for the future or spare just for things I enjoy since I can do this now as I live with my family. That’s what my Mum told me would be wise to do, to take a gap year, and I think so too. My therapist said it’s reasonable indeed. We also talked about my relationship with my Dad, which was always difficult, complicated I mean, but rather good and recently started to break down a bit which worries me and makes me a bit confused. And we talked a lot about many different emotions and feelings and the content of my dreams and other things that are a bit too private to put it here, plus some of them are still fairly difficult for me to talk about.
Anyway, she was able to put some of the weight off me and I felt a little bit more uplifted, even just the fact that she was accessible for me and I had someone supportive to talk to did a lot for me. I felt much more encouraged and not so much hopeless, although it still wasn’t ideally.
She told me that she’s of course not a doctor, but she thinks I am in a lot of distress because of all that what’s going on and if she’d be me, she’d ask my doc to put me on Afobam again.
I was taking Afobam some time ago for a while and it really worked for me so I think it’s not a bad thought and I think I’ll do it next week. Also she told me she would really like to be able to schedule some regular sessions for me, ’cause that’s definitely what I need in her opinion, so she said it would be good if I could find someone who would provide me support on a regular basis. THat may not be as easy though, but I was also thinking about it a lot recently, so looks like it’s time for it.
Misha was still with me as talked to my therapist and purred loudly. I think there really might be something more to that theory that animals are very good at feeling our emotions, he was just so sweet that day. Or maybe he realised it was my birthday haha.
So when we finished, I went downstairs to see what’s up and helped my Mum a bit to tidy up and then went straight to bed with Misha, as I still felt quite depressed and exhausted. The next day I talked to my Mum about my call with the therapist and what we talked about and generally about everything related. She isn’t always very understanding, but was very supportive when I talked to her and we talked honestly and openly for about an hour which I really appreciated. And my Mum also told me she feels like she might have PMS right now, ’cause that day was also hard for her. I didn’t have that overwhelming feeling of too many mixed emotions inside me any longer, although was still feeling depressive throughout the day. But it wasn’t as scary as on Thursday, it really made a huge difference for me.
Today, besides poor sleep again and still feeling a bit depressive, I feel much more stable. My therapist checked in with me today in the morning via email and seemed very pleased to hear about my conversation with Mum. So that’s it, I really hope it’ll get only better from now on. Hope you all are having great weekend. 🙂

Song of the day – Enya – “Evacuee”.

Hey people. 🙂

Today’s song is quite exceptional. For two reasons. First is that Enya is one of my all time favourite artists, I’d even say that one of my crushes in some way, my first musical crush I’d say. I have a lot of memories related to her music, I find it very therapeutical and soothing and it was with me especially in the most hard times in my life. The second reason is that this particular song has a huge personal meaning for me.

I was at boarding school for the blind for like 10 years since I was 5 and it was a very hard time for me for various reasons. I just didn’t cope well with it. It still has a major impact on my emotions and as I suppose is one of bigger factors that have contributed to my present mental struggles, I’ve already told you that I was diagnosed with reactive depression after I left that school. One of those hard things I had such difficulty coping there, was simply homesickness. Since I’m not the most adaptive being on Earth sometimes it could hit me really strong so that finally I started to self harm in various ways. At this time I secretly considered Enya kind of my second mummy. And this song is just about it. About how hard can be homesickness to manage it when you’re a kid. Luckily now it doesn’t regard me, but since it describes my past and my feelings so well, it always moves me very deeply so that even now it sometimes happens that I’m crying when listening to it. I really love this song and think that even if you don’t resonate with it the way I do, it’s very expressive and it’s easy to feel it. Enya’s music usually affects people quite a lot. I like the fact that I have sort of my own song which describes so accurately my past feelings. It’s somehow easier to process it then. By the way I’m curious what inspired Enya (or actually Roma Ryan, her songwriter) to write about this. As far as I know, Enya herself was at kind of a boarding school linked to a monastery in Milford, but she went there in her teens and as she said she actually liked to be there as she had more freedom and independency there than at home where she had lots of older siblings and of course parents who tended to make all the decisions for her.

Here’s the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRrVYvHyXAo

I’m curious what your impressions will be like.