Fundraiser Update:

Morgueticia and her daughter are in a difficult life situation and really need our help. If you can, please donate to her fundraiser, or share this post so that others can help too.

Take a Ride on My Mood Swing

You can read about it here.

Bottom line, we need about $300 by next Tuesday to keep service, the another $270 by April 2nd. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS is the only thing keeping us from our goal which is to not lose electricity right now.

I AM BEGGING AND PLEADING EVERYONE TO HELP ME OUT HERE. I KNOW PEOPLE USE SOCIAL MEDIA, I KNOW SOME CAN DONATE FIVE BUCKS, I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE SOCIAL MEDIA GENIUSES WHO COULD HELP SPOOK AND I GET THIS DONE.

The only reason I’ve linked to paypal here is because receiving funds through gofundme can take up to 5 business days and this disconnect notice’s shelf life will expire before that.

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Still without my laptop.

Hi guys! πŸ™‚
So yeah it’s just as in the title, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it fixed very soon. It looks like it’s more an issue with the sound in general than with the screen-reader, and yesterday I called the IT specialist to ask him to look at it again, and I told him roughly what’s going on. He said he can’t come earlier than tomorrow 6 PM but even he agreed with me that it looks pretty bizarre, so I don’t expect it to be fixed right away as neither me nor him have any idea about what’s causing it at the moment.
So as you can imagine I’m pretty bored already, though luckily I have tons of books and still have some of my music, a lot of music actually, but not my entire collection, on my PlexTalk, and of course what’s the most important I have Misha, who really helps me when he’s around because mentallyI feel rather crappy, havinglots of memories and weird dreams because of September coming very soon and in this situation I’m in now it’s hard to distract, plus feeling ratherisolated doesn’t help even though in most cases I find my own company to be just enough.
Our two little cousins are here with Zofijka and Mum’s going with them to the amusement park soon. Yuck! Anyone else hating amusement parks? I hate them fiercely, probably just because of my screwed k_p labyrinthum and that I was forced to go there at school at some special occasionsbecause it’s “fun”. πŸ˜€ Though I am happy they’re having fun, Zofijka loves amusement parks and she doesn’t seem to be as lucky as I was and it’s rare for her to be able to goto them often.
Misha wants to say he had a breathtaking adventure yesterday, being able to hang out with the magpies through the window. Mum says he’s poor, because they clearly laughed at him and looked like they screamed at him to go away, but he doesn’t think he’s poor, he wasn’t afraid of them and didn’t care about them making fun of him, he was happy to have some other beings than humansto interact with, and seemed very agitated because of that, but s also very brave and courageous, and if you openedthewindow,I’m really not sure whether it would be Misha who’d run away first. He still seems to be a little agitated and often looks at the window as if he wanted them to come back.
Yesterday I finally got my packet of treats from that online shop I told you about in the last Music Monday Care & Love. I waited for it about a week so much longer than the last time I was buying snacks and sweets at their shop, but never mind. The Jalapeno Pepper Jack Lay’s are way too addictive, yesterday just me and Zofijka, with a really little help from our cousins, ate one pack of them. That led us tothe conclusion that if we livedin the US we’d eat “the Jack chips” for every meal. πŸ˜€ Don’t think I’d really want it and I wouldn’t like to see how fat we’d be then, but hey, everyone can dream and not have to fear it may ever come true, right? πŸ˜€
And on Sunday we all also had lots of delicious food, way more healthy. We went to the pizzeria nearby, it’s a pizzeria but you can eat much more there than just pizzas and related stuff, it’s pretty much like a restaurant and we really like it. And we had a big dinner, or actually a lunch, as it was rather early. I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I had very low BP and feeling a bit rubbish and I thought I’m anything but hungry, but finally I went too and I suddenly s very very hungry so that I even helped my Mum with her food, although I oftenstruggle to eat all of mine as they make really big dishes. We were all glad overall.
I’m sorryI haven’t been reading much of your blogs lately, that sucks, and I don’tknow whether I’ll be catchingup on absolutely everything when I get my computer fixed as it’ll probably be a whole lot of posts, but I don’thave the access to my email from Braille-Sense, so I can’t be up to date with all of your blogs, but I hope I’ll be soon. πŸ™‚
OK so that’d be all from me, hope you’re having a goodweek and more productive than mine haha.

Milestone meet and greet – mental health and mental illness related.

As you may remember, a few days ago My Inner Mishmash turned six months. Therefore, I came up with the idea that I will host a meet and greet on my blog celebrating blogging milestones. Each of these meet and greets will be focused on a particular field, that is also a part of my blog and my life. Every time I will achieve a blogging milestone, I will make a meet and greet post dedicated to bloggers blogging about something particular, so that they can promote themselves a little bit and those who are interested in the topic may find some new interesting blogs to read. Some of the topics may be a little niche since many of my interests are.
This meet and greet is for mental health and mental illness bloggers. If you suffer from a mental illness, work in the mental health field or are interested in these topics and blog about it, please feel free to share your blog. Also those who aren’t mental health bloggers, but have written a post or a few on this, are welcome to share.
I hope it will be a nice way for us all to find some more blogs to read and that those of you guys who will share with us will gain some new readers. πŸ™‚ Rules:
1. If you blog about mental health/mental illness, leave your blog link in the comments. If you aren’t a mental health blogger, but have a post(s) you wrote, regarding these topics and would like to share, feel free to do so and leave the link(s) as well. 2. Tell us as much as you feel like about yourself and your blog. 3. Reblog if you’d like, so that more people will know.
4. Visit some of other commenters’ blogs, read their posts, give them a follow, a like, or leave them a comment, just mingle a bit since that’s what it’s for, so that they know you visited and enjoyed. I hope you’ll have fun and I’m looking forward to read your blogs. πŸ™‚

After an appt with the PD therapist.

So yesterday morning I saw this therapist specialising in personality disorders about whom I wrote recently that she will talk to me and see if I indeed have or might have avoidant personality disorder and also that we’ll talk about my dysthymia which still isn’t diagnosed but the two years that are needed have passed and not much has changed. My therapist wanted me to be evaluated by someone from the outside, pplus someone who’d be more qualified as for personality disorders, so she was the best choice in our area. Before my appointment both therapists talked about me, my background and stuff like that.

I was very very anxious about this appointment and I felt lots of contrary emotions about it and what may come out of it. But it went really well. We talked about my experiences in different kinds of interpersonal relationships, my self-esteem, how I am very often suspicious towards people and their motives and almost always look for some hidden meaning behind their words or actions and my feelings of inadequacy, or, how my friend used to call it but not in the context of my issues “alien syndrome” which name I really like. πŸ˜€ Basically we discussed everything in one’s personality that may be affected by AVPD. We talked through all the WHO criteria, I also told her about very various kinds of anxiety I have and my experiences from the boarding school. She asked me how I came to the conclusion I might have AVPD so I just told her how it started and how I felt like I resonate with it so much and how it was both scary and relieving for me, scary because it’s often somehow scary when you name your problem for the first time, plus I’d never expect I might have personality disorder and it just was so sudden, but relieving because I realised that if it’s really my issue, I’m not alone with it, there is a name for it so other people are struggling too and I felt more valid. It was a bit overwhelming and weird to feel both these contrary emotions so intensely at the same time, but I think I got used to it with time and now i’m not so scared. I told her that actually before I started to read about AVPD, I didn’t realise that the fear of being rejected might be why I’m so anxious, I still think there might be something more to it, but yeah, I guess I was always scared of being rejected, but never fully realised it, as I didn’t really want to realise it consciously cause it would make my self-image even worse in some way. I don’t know if it makes sense for other people, but, that’s kind of how I’ve felt about it… Then we talked about my emotions, how I’ve started to suppress them very early on and still can’t fully unlearn it and expressing what I feel is still so challenging and stressing out for me. Most often I don’t have issues with positive emotions now, in fact if I happen to feel lots of positive emotions I would most willingly like all the world to know about them and why I feel them and share it with me, but expressing my negative emotions still feels kind of like either baring myself or self-pity. And what she told me was almost exactly what I’ve thought about this whole AVPD thing. Some of the traits are milder, some are more severe, but overall I fit in the criteria and she told me she’s almost sure I have it, but she’d refer me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation and getting an official diagnosis. She honestly told me it’s too complex for just being social anxiety as the reasons why I avoid social situations are multiple, which I know, and she also checked whether and to which degree I might have schizoid or paranoid pd traits, but only some single ones fit me. We talked also about my dysthymia and she said it seems to be extremely common in people with avoidant personality disorder that they have dysthymia and/or generalised anxiety. I talked to her about how I’ve actually always been more or less depressive, although apart from some harder days I am able to hide it very well from people and many years have passed since I’ve been really suicidal, although I couldn’t say I’m not suicidal at all, I have some ideations somewhere in the background, I’d say. We talked about my sleep being pretty irregular for most of my life and I told her that I think my thyroid issues also may contribute to the low mood, but although my thyroid hormones are more stabilised now than they were in the past, it didn’t make that much of a difference. We had a long chat about dysthymia in general. My Mum was waiting outside of the therapist’s office when we talked but then she asked her to come in and join us. She wanted to have her point of view on the whole thing, on some of my behaviour patterns and stuff, as someone else’s view on things is always helpful and my Mum is with me almost 24/7 even if we’re not constantly together we’re at least in the same house, so obviously she knows me well even despite all those years I lived out of home. Of course after some time my very sensitive Mum started to cry. She always cries when she talks about some painful or just moving things, or even when she says something beautiful, that is how she reacts, although many people feel embarrassed and my Mum does too, but that’s just her nature and how she reacts to things and it doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t stable or anything, in fact I think she’s one of most emotionally stable people I know, just incredibly tearful. πŸ™‚ And she was talking about how she is feeling so much guilty recently that she didn’t see on time what was going on with me back then and that she didn’t change anything. I actually didn’t realise how much of guilt she feels and I felt so sorry for her and actually felt guilty too, for making her guilty. It sounds ridiculous. πŸ˜€ But I really didn’t realise it fully. I told her I don’t blame her at all and that I don’t think there was anything more she could do than she already did. I told her just what I thought. That it’s the easiest way to blame the parents for who you are, for your childhood, for what you didn’t achieve etc. so many people do it. Of course I don’t count in abusive or purposefully neglectful parents. But so many people would like their parents to be perfect and always know what to do. But are there any trainings for how to be a good parent? Do they get this knowledge anywhere? Are they somewhat enlightened after getting a baby? They aren’t and that’s why I don’t like it, putting all the blame for your trouble on your parents. My therapist agreed with me. It just moved me so much how guilty she feels and how I didn’t notice all of her guilt for so long, although I think I know her so well and am so good at “feeling” other people. Then the therapist summarised for my Mum what we talked about without her very briefly. Whenever she was writing something in my notes she was telling me about it and finally she ended up unoficially diagnosing me with dysthymia. Then we also talked for a while about the fact I don’t actually have real therapy as my therapist has too much on her plate and had to cut some of her hours, thus we almost only have phone or email check ins. She was very kind and direct and offered me that if the psychiatrist will refer me to therapy, which will in her opinion most likely happen, she is willing to take over my therapy. I feel like if I have a personality disorder, I need some more appropriate support. I don’t mean I didn’t feel supported by my therapist, she was working with me for many many years and was always there for me if she could, but, you know, sometimes a monthly phone check in isn’t enough, plus knowing how busy she is, I often felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate to email her in between check ins when I struggled so it had to be really almost an emergency or something if I decided to bother her. So I think I’ll start with this new therapist, the more that she herself came out with it. At first as I met her yesterday I had an impression she’s so very blunt and direct it could be hard to get along with her, but I felt very comfortable around her with time and actually now I think it’s her advantage, as she still is very diplomatic. She’s completely different from my therapist Monika, but I think I like her and she seems to be a very attentive listener, which I obviously really appreciate. I still don’t know when I’ll see the psychiatrist, I am sure it’ll take quite a bit of time, but anyway, I now feel more validated and am glad of our appt. My Mum is too.

Today I had quite intensive day. I went for a big shopping with my Mum. I needed to get a few things, mostly Easter presents and some things for myself, from different shops and Mum needed a lot of groceries for us. I must say I rarely go out for such long shopping escapades, it is always quite exhausting and challenging for me, you know, all these crowds and all other shit. I was tempted to just ask my Mum to buy me things I needed when she told me she plans to go buy groceries and tell her what I need, but decided to challenge myself a bit. Plus my Mum had a lot to carry so it definitely wouldn’t be kind of me, would it? So we went together and besides the anxiety which was significant at times, it felt good to have some time together. I bought all I needed and also some snacks for Misha ans we are almost running out of them, so gourmand is he recently. We both were exhausted afterwards, not as much because of the long walk we did, but because of visiting soo many shops, my Mum also isn’t accustomed to such extensive shoppings as she only does them before some bigger holidays like Easter or Christmas. So Mum watched some TV and I went to my room and had some Mishtime which was just so fantastic, Misha was so very cuddly today.

Then I got pissed off by my Polish teacher. Actually she pissed me off already in the morning, but even more when we came back home. For those of you who are new to my blog and don’t know, I formally attend to part time school for adults, something between college and high school I suppose, but practically I am learning on my own, because it is a mainstream school and basically most teachers just treat me like I’m invisible or like they could pick up optic nerve hypoplasia from me. plus they often use things like slideshows on their lessons, so it’s just easier for me to learn on my own, I’ve never had trouble with it, and of course it’s emotionally much much easier. The only occasions I go to school are exams. Me and my Mum just talked about it with the headmaster and with my teachers and they agreed to send me what they’re doing in the class every term as well as the subjects of control assignments and exam terms and the rest is for me to do. I only have Maths lessons with my tutor who is a typhlopedagogist, as Maths is very hard for me and I’m clueless about it and although my Maths teacher at school would be eager to teach me and is really open-minded and communicative, it’s hard as for this particular subject because it differs how you explain things for sighted people and for the blind, and she’s not educated as for how to teach blind people. But now the thing is they are SOOO incredibly busy they don’t even have time to email me. I was sending them emails to remind them about our “agreement”, Mum called the secretary multiple times and even visited the school personally twice. My Maths teacher responded very quickly, then two others responded after much more time, but my Polish and History teacher still didn’t bother to write anything.

And today in the morning I checked my emails and saw that my Polish teacher wrote me an email asking whether it will be possible for me to come for Polish exams this Saturday and if not, we can find some other time. I felt a bit disoriented. OK, I’ll come willingly, but what’s the material for these exams? Does she suppose I’ll just come and pass whatever she’ll ask me without having any information about what this exam includes and what I should be prepared for? So yeah that made me feel very pissed off and stressed and I wrote to her just that, that I am absolutely OK with the time, but first I’d like to know what should I learn as despite my Mum’s and my messages we didn’t get any information from her, so it might be “a little bit hard” for me to prepare in four days to an exam from the whole term. So when we got back home I checked the email again and she wrote that she is “surprised” because straight after she talked with the secretary, she sent me an email with everything. She wrote she’ll check her another email and send it again. I was afraid that maybe indeed she sent it but I just missed it so I checked all the folders with emails I had, but I couldn’t find it anywhere, so I felt rather confused. My Mum says it is just her excuse, but what I’m curious about are her motives? Is it really so hard for her to send me an email? Is she really so busy? Is it something in me that causes people to turn off so desperately? Or has she some early onset Alzheimer or other neurodegenerative disease that makes her forgetful? Striking. I must say I don’t get it at all… Don’t really know what I should do with this now as I still didn’t get any message from her, and I’m afraid that even if I’ll get it tonight or tomorrow, it might be very hard to prepare in such a short period of time. I’m not a perfectionist as it comes to school, I never freak out about marks and they’ve never mattered to me, actually at all, so I’ll be just glad if I’ll pass it, but if I will know hardly anything, it will be so terribly stressful. I feel like doing this to your students is at least disrespectful. Unless it is indeed some unfortunate accident. Oh gosh what a rant, didn’t expect it to go in this direction. πŸ˜€

And in the evening I watched some documentary about Wales with Dad, who was constantly like “Wooow! They have only ruins there, don’t they?” πŸ˜€ and that’s it about my day. Now going to have some Mishtime again. Somehow I have an inkling I won’t sleep very well tonight. I am having so intensive time recently and I feel like I might have migraine soon, hope I’m wrong, but if not, I doubt I’ll get any sleep tonight. HOpe you all had or are having a nice day. πŸ™‚

Finally, much closer to getting a diagnosis.

I’ve been trying to write this post for a few days and make as much sense of it as possible, but for some reason I found it rather hard and had a lot going on in a few days, so decided to write it much shorter and all over again.

So as you may remember if you read my post about my last Zombie day, I was significantly depressed for days lately. I mean, my depression is generally bigger than even a few months ago as I am so much concerned about my future, not knowing what to do with it at all and other things get in the way as well, but, you know, you always have ups and downs, and that time surely was a massive down, but now I’m much much more stable luckily. In fact right now I’m doing really well and I can’t recall feeling so well in months. That’s really great. And you may also remember that I’ve been thinking more about my psychiatric diagnosis, which I still don’t have. On the one hand, I’ve been anxious about it and wanted it to stay this way, I was afraid to find out what is wrong with me, so in some way I preferred the fact that I still don’t know for sure. On the other hand though, I felt somewhat inadequate, like if they still can’t find out what it is, I surely have to be too complex, and maybe even am just faking all that, also I wanted to finally get appropriate support, which is much more difficult when you don’t know what’s going on with you. Of course I knew that it’s not a rare thing that people don’t know their diagnoses for much longer, but I think they also have to be really frustrated with it, that’s why I even more understand people struggling with it ’cause I know at least in some way how they feel, no matter whether it is a psychiatric or medical diagnosis. I didn’t think about it much usually, but it always was somewhere in the background of my life, some bothering insecurity about what’s the case with me.

I know I have GAD, I know I’ve had reactive depression, but since its symptoms didn’t fully disappear my therapist, or rather former therapist, as I don’t see her on a regular basis any longer ’cause it’s impossible for her, started to think I may be dysthymic, but to be diagnosed with dysthymia, you need to show the symptoms for two years at least, plus I also have hypothyroidism and it wasn’t stabilised back then, so the psychiatrist who examined me then suspected I may be so down all the time because of it or at least partly because of it, which I also think might be true. The thing is, as long as I can remember I was more or less depressive, but I was in a rather unfavourable environment for most of my childhood, which was the boarding school, so my therapist said it was rather normal, and I think so too. Since I also tend to experience moodswings and go high, (or just noticeably higher) suddenly, sometimes completely for no apparent reason, she also told me she thinks I might be bipolar, not dysthymic. But nothing more speciffic.

And now as this last depressive episode hit me, I started to think more about the thing wit my diagnosis. I am usually very very prone to self-loathing when significantly depressed and that time it felt like I must be very different in a bad sense of this word from other people if there aren’t any criteria I could fit in to. Not because I wanted so much to be labelled, but just because I think it would help me to find some help with my struggles. So yeah it was on my mind a lot of the time recently.

Then when I already felt more functional and a bit less depressive I was reading some Swedish blogs online and came across a blog written by girl with avoidant personality disorder. I was reading it with a lot of interest, firstly because I liked her style of writing and I just found interesting what she was writing about in general, but secondly –
because when she wrote about her disorder, about her feelings, relationships with other people etc. I was just like WOW! it’s so much like me! and as I was reading her posts, at some point I felt a kinda impulse and checked out something more about AVPD. I had a brief idea about it, I am into psychology, medicine and like to go deeply into others’ personalities so there was no way I couldn’t hear about it before, but I didn’t know much. Just much enough to feel this weird impulse and find out to how much I can relate to it and to what people having it struggle with. You know what? I went through WHO and DSM criteria and other basic stuff on all Wikipedias I can understand and I got a massive shock. I know people with AVPD need to fit general PD’s criteria as well, but so far almost everything was like me. Well, various symptoms to various extents, like I think I’m much more assertive now than when I was a kid, but still there are situations when I can’t feel very assertive, or I won’t try to make friends for the sake of having friends, changing my personality, likes, dislikes, way of being for others, just to be accepted by them, unless something in my attitude could be harming for someone of course, but I still do want to have real friendships and be accepted as I am. Basically as I was reading about AVPD, the vast majority of things was basically as if someone was writing about me, no matter if I read an article or a post from someone dealing with it. I felt very shocked and overloaded and didn’t know what to do with this, why did I actually wanted to deepen this topic? Shit.

But when I cooled down a little bit I decided to talk about it to my Mum. It was very hard. Like VERY, VEERY hard. I suck at talking about feelings and all that related stuff, it’s scary! But I tried to do my best and also my Mum was very supportive. I mean she always is, but I wouldn’t think she could be as supportive as she turned out to be in this particular situation. She got it and we both laughed a bit how much it is like me, but also quite like her too, only not to such extend definitely. She accepted it and we had a long long talk about it and everything related, which, although hard, was also very rewarding. I think for both of us. I think I haven’t opened up to her so much for quite a long time until then. I felt so close to her and that felt really good. I feel like this talk, and the one we had next day, on Sunday, changed a lot in our relationship. We were always very close, but now we get each other more, there was just so many incredibly important things we didn’t talk about before, which we didn’t know about each other. After that second long chat we went for a long walk and had a drink afterwards. It feels so good she doesn’t care whether I have this AVPD or not, I was almost sure she’ll be overwhelmed and maybe even make a little drama, as she is so emotional and impulsive, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to explain things to her from my perspective. But she knew them before I even started. It really changes things and now I myself don’t care that much whether I might have AVPD or not, I think if I have it, it’s really good I finally know it. Maybe it will help me to heal from it at least a bit. I realise that probably if not my own inquisitiveness, no one would tell me I may have it. And I’m glad there is a name for what I experience. It means there are other people struggling with almost the same stuff, which in turn means we aren’t alone in struggling, at least that’s how I see it. As for my anxiety in all kinds of social situations, I’ve been always calling it simply “social anxiety”, although I didn’t get an official diagnosis for it, but, for me it seemed obvious. Only that when I talked to people with social anxiety, my anxiety seemed more, hm, general. Like, most of them have it in particular situations – talking to a stranger on the street, speaking in front of an audience, or they’re afraid that something weird and awkward will happen while they’re with other people, while my anxiety is present all the time or almost all the time when I’m socialising. It even happens that I feel anxious talking to my family. Not only my extended family It’s a strange kind of anxiety, hence I’ve always felt kinda different to people with this classic form of social anxiety. In some ways my anxiety is even hard to explain. Actually, before I found out abou t AVPD, I didn’t even fully and consciously realise I’m afraid of rejection and how much I’m afraid of it, only that I’ve read it and then thought it through thoroughly and talked about with my Mum and therapist helped me to get to it.

Another important thing that happened on Saturday, the day I found out more about AVPD was that after talking with Mum, I called my therapist and asked her for her opinion. This was another lengthy and exhausting talk, we discussed plenty of things. She said that as she knows me for more than 5 years, it’s very clear to her how my personality resonates with description of AVPD, we also analysed all the diagnostic criteria and other stuff. So she said she’ll talk about me wit another therapist, who is her friend and who is professionally very interested in all kinds of personality disorders and maybe she will be able to schedule an appt with me just to be able to relate and say her opinion on that and then we’ll see what will come out next. If she will also say I seem to have it, then a psychiatrist will be involved. I also asked her about that dysthymia thing and she said that as two years have passed since that assessment I had and not much has changed as for my mood patterns, I should be tested again and she said she will talk about it to the psychiatrist who examined me back then. I’ve never tracked my mood specifically before, only wrote in my diary about it as about many other things, but I think that even if I didn’t do it, it’s clear enough for me that my depressive mood is very persistent, although with its intensiffication differs. But since that talk with my therapist I decided I will also make a special journal only for tracking my mood. Then on Monday she emailed me and told me that therapist working with personality disorders is willing to see me on Tuesday next week.

So as you see a lot was going on in a very short time and I have a feeling that now things will speed up a lot. I am still a bit shocked, but just because I wouldn’t ever thought I may have AVPD if not that girl’s blog, that’s just so new to me. But since I’m over that big depressive abyss for now, I got much more positive approach to things and I think my Mum’s support helps me a lot right now and her optimism about this whole situation is kind of infectious.

Sorry it is so chaotic and probably not the best stylistically , but hopefully readable. πŸ˜€ Just wanted to update you guys a little bit as my blog is also about my mental difficulties so I thought it’s very important to at least mention about what’s going on in this area of my life right now.

Thanks for reading. πŸ™‚

Question of the day (10th March).

What is one thing in your personal life that concerns you? Can you change it?

My answer:

As it is for most people I suppose, there are lots of things that concern me and it’s hard to pick the one that concerns me the most. I think the one that I’m thinking a lot about, that is very stressful and affecting my mental health are my final exams coming pretty soon, not even full two months. I think stuff like exams is always stressing for people, so I’m anxious about how it’ll go. But what I’m even more anxious about and what is strictly related to it, is what should I do afterwards. You know, usually people after finishing school find it challenging to start something new and don’t know what to do with themselves and it’s even more complex with disability and mental issues on top of that. I find it all very anxiety provoking, overwhelmingly depressing and worsening my anxiety in other areas of my llife.

Also there is a very recent thing that ocupies a lot of space in my thoughts recently, but is more or less concerning for me since almost 4 years already. My psychiatric diagnosis. Having my depression worsened since a few months I was thinking a lot of that what is this I’m struggling with. Is it so scary/rare/weird/complex that specialists can’t find a name for it? I was thinking whether I really want to know what it is but although realised it won’t change things itself, I just felt like it would help me feel less inadequate at least. Labelling isn’t a good thing in many ways and isn’t constructive on its own, but it can help us to find more appropriate support, to feel less alone in what we struggle with.

And since a few days it is occupying my mind even more often. And due to that, some important things have taken place in my life very very lately. I hope to tell you more about them in a separate post, but to put it basically for now, a few days ago I’ve made a little (or maybe not so little) research myself on what could be going on with me and then had a long talk with my ex therapist on the phone about very many things and at the end she told me she’ll look around for a psychiatrist who could assess me. I think that now I’m suddenly much much closer to getting a diagnosis.

But still feel somehow concerned. SOme stuff I’ve got to know lately shocked me a lot, shocked my Mum… So yeah, these are things that concern me the most lately.

Your turn. πŸ™‚

Wanna join the no sleep club? And a bit of a rant, couldn’t resist.

Hi. πŸ™‚

So, does anyone want to join the No Sleep Club? I don’t know if there’s something similar in English, but in Polish, we have a sort of saying: if for example you say to someone “I didn’t sleep tonight” that person can say “Welcome to the club” which means she didn’t sleep either. and I had such situation with my friend when I told her I didn’t sleep very well and she said welcome to the club and then we were talking about the idea of a no sleep club. Just a place where not sleeping at night people could be together and do whatever they want, but just be glad they’re not the only ones not sleeping. How do you like the idea? πŸ˜€ Just my thoughts. πŸ˜€

SThe rest of this post is going to be almost entirely a rant, so… just be prepared:

eems like I’m not going to sleep tonight, or at least not much. Today is one of these days when it sucks more than usually because I’m feeling very crappy and depressed since Thursday I think and I was hoping to at least sleep through some more of this shitty time. But probably I just had too much sleep last time as I slept from about 1 AM until almost 10. So again my sleep cycle is ruined. It all feels even more overwhelming at night. I just feel so low I am surprised I can function in the outside world as usual, or almost as usual. I feel like it could give me some relief if I could have some outlet, I’ve tried to write about all I feel and don’t feel in my diary and maybe why, but although I was writing for quite a while and wrote down a lot of my depressive thoughts and concerns and frustrations and all, I feel like I didn’t get to the core and wasn’t able to define what it is that overwhelms me the most, like I couldn’t get it into words. In any language I know well enough to talk at least basically about all this fucking complexity of my freaking brain that sometimes barely makes sense even for myself. Well most of the time I think. So I gave up with expressing myself, I think, at least for now.

But what I noticed looking at my diary recently is that I finally seem to see any patterns or cycles in which my depressive moods, or rather more depressive than usual, tend to go. I’ve always wanted to know if it’s possible in my case to define in which part of the day, or week, or month, my mood is most low or high. And I looked at the dates of entries and saw most of these filled with lots of depressive/generally self loathing thoughts I was usually writing either on the very end of the month, or the very beginning. And when I have PMS, but that I’ve already known. I don’t know whether it could matter or not, but am going to see how it will proceed this month and in a couple next months.

I think I’ve told you my ex therapist with whom I check in from time to time on the phone, thinks I have bipolar. No one else from the mental health specialists whom I visited suggested it, but she said that in her opinion mood swings I’ve been experiencing and sudden lift ups which aren’t very high, but are visible for me and which she had seen too, can be classified as hypomania. Only that I actually didn’t have such a really upbeat mood in months now. I had days when I felt pretty neutral or even a bit higher than neutral, but nothing like I could really say that I am in a good mood, no euphoria or anything. And so recently I started to wonder if she’s right or not. I know some people have longer cycles, but then if I had such a long depression phase, with so changeable intensivity, I guess I should have a longer hypomania episode, or shouldn’t I, I don’t know, that seems to be the only thing I know right now. And then thinking about that let me again to the conclusion that if I still don’t have the diagnosis other than that reactive depression three years ago and no actual treatment, it must mean I must be totally not fitting into any criteria, maybe I’m just somehow faking it or something or making a big deal of things, or am just untreatable. Of course rationally I know people can struggle with not getting a diagnosis either psychiatric or in any other medical field, for much longer, but emotionally I can’t really get it.

Good at least my anxiety has lessened since I’m on afobam again, it makes things more manageable, this yea is really so shitty, I don’t get how I’m actually supposed to get through it, so it’s good I’m on it now. And Misha’s with me. This is such a good child. It’s often hard to get him sleep with me at night, he sleeps so much during the day he’s then full of beans in the evening, but recently he started to come to me on his own when he sees people are going to sleep and meows at me to feed him and put him to bed. πŸ™‚ He’s just sweet. And I am working on a name game, just to not think too much, or to not overthink and I’m going to post it here later on. I hope you’ll like it too, I got the idea from Meagan a.k.a. Tulip By Any Name, but I’m making my own. I rarely have ideas about my own name games, though I love them, so I’m glad I have something to occupy my mind at least for a while. It’s nothing big, but you have to be focused on it.

This no sleep thing really frustrates me, mostly because I have Maths in the morning. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through with no sleep, but if I’ll feel very zombie-like maybe our tutor will take Zofijka during my hours. And my head started aching a few hours ago like I’m going to have a migraine soon, so yeah, seems like I’ll be having lots of fun tomorrow, or today actually, or whatever else kind of shit it’ll be then. But I didn’t have a migraine for some time already, but why do I have to have it at all? Is it really so necessary if so many people can live without it? Shit. Yeah everything seems soooo overwhelming right now, almost whatever I’ll think about.

Sorry it is so chaotic, but I’m generally very chaotic when talking about stuff like that, honestly, although I’ve been always writing a lot in my diary about my, hmmm, internal experiences, I still feel quite odd sharing my negative feelings with other people, even writing.

Really thanks for reading if you made through all this.