Question of the day (29th December).

Would you take a bullet for someone in your life?

My answer:

If there was an actual reason for that – absolutely yes! – I don’t like when people make such foolish declarations “I love you so much that I could die for you” when there is totally no need for such radical acts, and even less so for empty words like that. But if someone I loved a lot, like my Mum or anyone in my close family or my online friends, or perhaps even Misha (although why would anyone want to kill or shoot Misha, and who would be capable of doing this, I have no clue? The only reason I can think of why someone might even consider that is if they somehow really hated me passionately for some reason and were desperate to make me miserable, and I am not aware of having such desperate enemies) or maybe even people whom I not necessarily love but who are somehow important to me and who I care about, or whose life I think is very important, if any of them were in danger where their life could be at risk, and my death could make the situation better in any way, then hell yeah, I’d do that, although it surely would be scary. I think it wouldn’t be quite as scary though as living the rest of my life with a consciousness that I could help save the life of someone who was dear to me in some way or who needed it, but did not do that. It would be more difficult if it was a shot that would only impair me in some way, as that would have some longer consequences for me and I’m not sure how I’d deal with that my whole life, but I’d try to think about how I was able to help someone through that and I suppose that would be at least a bit of comfort for me to know that I somehow helped their cause. My Mum recently asked me what would I feel like living in a country where Christians are persecuted in a major way, where their lives may be in danger because of their faith, and how I’d feel like about giving my life up for Christ, because she read a book about Christians in muslim countries and that made her think about it hard. Now this is such a difficult thing to think about. When you read about the martyrs in ancient Rome for example, and the ways they were tortured, I’m really not sure I would be able to deal with that and keep being faithful. On the other hand, it’s not really these people’s merrit entirely that they were strong and brave enough to go through it but they were supported by God’s grace, I don’t think anyone would willfully agree to such suffering and not give in at some point without some help. But I think I would at least try my best if I was in such a situation and try to have as much courage as possible. And in the case of this question, if I was in such a situation that I would have to take a bullet for Christ, I feel that would be easier than the fancy tortures people had to endure ages ago, so I would take the risk, I think.

How about you? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

What does an ideal life look like for you? ๐Ÿ™‚

My answer:

It’s really hard to say because no life can be ideal, so I’ve never seen such a life, plus I only know my own life well enough to tell anything more meaningful about what it looks like and while far from being very bad, it’s not ideal either, which makes it a very abstractive topic. But I guess some features that an idea life would have could be that a person living it would feel fulfilled, successful and happy, whatever that would mean for them. They would be able to do whatever they wanted to do with their life and not feel restrained by anything in that and they would be able to truly feel that their life is their own. Such a life would be satisfactory to the one living it and maybe even make others feel envious that they don’t have such lives. There would be no sense of lack of anything in it, but everything would be in moderation, or as much as the person would need. It should be peaceful, but also interesting and not too boring.

What do you think? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day (11th December).

What’s the difference between living and existing?

My answer:

None, or not a big one, in my opinion. They’re just synonyms which essentially mean the same. I think the only difference that could be there is kind of colloquial or emotional, that we often say existence is a life without a purpose or not a very interesting one. It’s also very subjective because purpose in life is also quite a subjective thing, I guess. What may be a meaningless existence to one person may be a beautiful, full life for another and vice versa. I’d think it depends on how you feel about your own life, feel free to call it the way you want.

What do you think? ๐Ÿ™‚

Sian James – “Aderyn Bach Syw” (Little Laden Bird).

Hi guys! ๐Ÿ™‚

Today I have something very short and sweet for you – a Welsh nursery rhyme. I find this little tune quite interesting – as a lot of nursery rhymes are, even if they don’t seem to be at a first glance. – I’ve always believed that since nursery rhymes are generally for children, and we put so much pressure on teaching kids all sorts of things even through literature or music that is made especially for them, that they’d have some kind of a moral. But if this one has a moral indeed, it seems quite hilarious to me. People complain so much that times have changed a lot and how so many children now are overweight or even obese. Well, perhaps it’s nursery rhymes like this, emphasising the role of our bellies that are at fault. ๐Ÿ˜€ Perhaps it was just made for the fussy kids… Well yeah, sometimes music provokes strange thoughts in my brain. ๐Ÿ˜€

I like how stoical this bird is and accepting of the possibility that we may die just absolutely any time. Reminds me of how Sofi was little, and when you asked her what she was going to do tomorrow, for example, she’d say “I don’t know, maybe I will die”. No, Sofi wasn’t suicidal or depressed, I can assure you of that. She would always say that in a happy/neutral tone, like the most natural thing in the world. Since our family is Christian and my Mum has a very similar mentality, she was simply taught that you just never know what will happen but whatever will, it was surely meant to happen, and even if it seems a bad thing, something good will likely come out of it for someone at some point. This, rather than making her nervous and worried about the future as some would perhaps expect, made her a very spontaneous girl who never plans anything too far in advance and prefers to live in the now. Which has its good and bad sides, obviously, but that’s just what Sofi’s like, and this bird reminds me of her. The part about the belly also reminds me of Sofi when she was little, because there was such a time when, whenever she would introduce herself she would say something like this: “My name is Zofia, I like to dance, draw and eat”. She doesn’t remember that but she still loves to eat more than an average person and even though she eats a lot, it doesn’t show as she’s very thin, and, because she knows about that thing she used to say from what we’ve told her, sometimes now that’s what she tells people on purpose when she doesn’t know what else to say about herself: “I’m Sofi and I like to eat”. ๐Ÿ˜€

Perhaps then, the actual moral of this nursery rhyme is accepting whatever happens to you, even if it’s death, and being aware of the fact that it may be just about anything, but while you’re alive, doing things that will keep you alive and that you find pleasant at the same time. Very simple, but perhaps not necessarily as obvious life truth as we may be tempted to think.

I used to wonder why there’s a bird in this nursery rhyme, but Welsh nursery rhymes and lullabies generally seem to be full of animals (which is, after all, not a distinctly Welsh trait at all), moreover I’ve heard about similarly nonsensical nursery rhymes from other countries where an animal is asked where it’s been or where it’s going and its answers have nothing to do with what animals of its species actually do/eat etc. The word for little bird in Welsh is aderyn, and I’ve seen somewhere that it could also mean a boy (don’t know how accurate it actually is though as I’ve never heard it in such use and am not sure how credible the source is) so perhaps it could be a boy, not a bird, but each and every mention of this song that I found in English says bird, so it’s much safer to assume that it is actually a bird.

Okay, now I’ll let you formm your own opinion on this song, here is the translation, and the song itself is below.

โ€žWhere are you going, little laden bird?โ€

โ€œIโ€™m going to the market, if I will be alive.โ€

โ€œWhat will you do in the market, little laden bird?โ€

โ€œGo and get salt, if I will be alive.โ€

โ€œWhat will you do with the salt, little laden bird?โ€

โ€œPut it in the soup, if I will be alive.โ€

โ€œWhat will you do with the soup, little laden bird?โ€

โ€œPut it in my belly, if I will be alive.โ€

โ€œWhat will you do with the belly, little laden bird?โ€

โ€œIf it werenโ€™t for my belly, I wouldnโ€™t be alie.

Stoicism

This is a very powerful post, to which I can hugely relate as someone constantly trying to unlarn bottling up emotions and living with consequences of doing so all the time for years. If you struggle with similar issues, I highly recommend you reading this. ๐Ÿ™‚

New Beginnings

We all have a different reaction to pain.

Some of us react externally, such as jump in shock, scream, cry, or become enraged.

Some of us react, but rather internally than externally. Such as concealing the pain deep within the mind, making it appear as though they feel nothing on the outside but truly suffer inside.

Instead, the outside reaction might just be a smile. Or even nothing at all. Almost appearing as though they are immune to the pain inflicted upon them.

Maybe they want nobody to see them in pain. They wouldnโ€™t want people to show any care for them so they can endure their suffering alone. As if nobody would be able to heal them.

Or perhaps they think people would view them as weak. A pathetic human that could never stand a chance through life. They want to eliminate the possibility of being embarrassed by hidingโ€ฆ

View original post 651 more words

Hey people! ๐Ÿ˜Š

I’m still alive. Well I guess you don’t doubt this, as I’ve been reblogging some posts and commenting some of your posts, but I haven’t posted an actual post here in over a week and I’m really really sorry about that, I didn’t mean to definitely.

I’ve been ill with bronchitis since the weekend, I tend to get bronchitis inevitably every year sometime in autumn or winter and it’s somehow related to allergy and asthma, and that has made a bit of a chaos for me and I’m just behind on everything.

Tomorrow it’s probably going to be a busy day for me, busy and boring altogether, so I don’t know how quickly I’ll catch up on everything.

I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here, didn’t give up on blogging, and will now try to catch up on the song of the day posts a bit as I’ve intended to show you so many great songs, and if I’ll manage then I’ll post the question for today for you as well, and I hope I’ll be able to do some more longer writing later this week too, when I’ll feel better and get back on track with things.

Hope you are all doing well. ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

And the actual question for today is…:

ANy drama happening in your life right now?

My answer:

I think we need to clarify what drama is, or at least I have to. ‘Cause I don’t really understand this concept in general I guess. Or do I? For me, drama is a lot of fuss, usually going on in a group of people, which is causing a lot of emotional distress for all interested and people acting impulsively and often like in a drama and sometimes even attention-seeking, but no one actually knows what it’s all about, but despite all that some people like to get into or cause dramas. Or anyway any drama that I have ever been witnessing or somehow involved in was hard to figure out for myself, what do they actually make suh a drama about? It might be that I’m just too socially awkward and stuff, or just not a drama type of person so I don’t get it. Or maybe I do get it right? What drama means for you?

Anyways, back to the drama, or lack thereof, in my life. ๐Ÿ˜€ So as you can guess now I think, no, I don’t think there is much going on in my life that I could call a drama, there are rarely such things, because I simply hate dramas and making fuss of anything, so I don’t involve in dramas usually, and if I ever have to witness such things it’s very disorienting and in a way also cringy. Unless there is a real and important cause for making drama of course, then it’s not cringy, but can also be disorienting, but I wonder if something like this still could be called a drama. THere are some intense things going on in my life, like now that I quitted therapy with my last therapist, and have been talking with Mum about very intense stuff and figuring out a lot about it on my own (I maybe could say that I have an internal drama because of that because it’s really really intense) and then there is my aunt who has been sick and just had surgery a couple days ago, but… yeah, I don’t know if such things could be called dramas, I think not really. Our Zofijka is in the “drama stage” of development, she’s in her early teens and also very extroverted, so I often do hear about her school dramas, which are very, veery weird and cringy, and I guess that’s all I can say on this very confusing topic.

So, how about dramas in your life? How would you define a drama in this context, do you see it the way I do? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

Whatโ€™s on the top of your โ€˜make life easierโ€™ list?

My answer:

A new Braille-Sense. My current one, as I’ve mentioned a couple times before, is 11 years old, as much as Zofijka, and is gradually falling apart. ๐Ÿ˜€

How about you? ๐Ÿ™‚

3 Day Lyric Challenge – day one – Ider – You’ve Got Your Whole Life Ahead Of You Baby.

Finally I’m getting to do this challenge!

Over a month ago I was nominated by

Ghostmmnc

for Three Day Lyric Challenge. Thank you again so much.

However, as my loyal readers know, I was unable to write it for nearly the whole month of September because of my laptop being fixed.

And when I finally got it, I started to wonder, what to share with you guys as part of this challenge. ‘Cause, obviously, as you can easily see, I listen to a whole lot of music, and it often has very interesting lyrics imo. But so often it is in other languages! And there are so often no translations available! And often even if I know what the lyrics generally are about, I don’t feel competent enough to make a translation myself, especially that English isn’t my native language. And even English music that I listen to, is often so niche that you might not find any lyrics at times. SO yeah, that was a bit tricky. But finally, I’ve got some ideas. So here we go:

ย ย  Rules:

 

1 Thank the person who nominated you.

2 Share one of your favorite song/lyrics one at a time for three days.

3 Nominate three other bloggers each day.

So the song I have today for you is just sooo much about me right now! Because, just as the person speaking in this song, and just as those two girls of the band Ider, I’m in my twenties,and having more or less the same dilemmas.

Ider is an English band, consisting of two roommates from London, and they’re undoubtedly very talented girls, and having always very interesting and thought-provoking lyrics.

ย ย  Ider – “You’ve GOt Your Whole Life Ahead Of You, Baby” – lyrics.

[Verse 1]

I’m in my 20s

So I panic in every way

I’m so scared of the future

I keep missing today

How did you do it?

How did it turn out alright?

I swear it’s always easier back then

Or is it just hindsight?

 

[Chorus]

They keep telling me

“You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, baby

Don’t worry, don’t stress, do your best”

What if that doesn’t save me?

They say “If I could go back and do it again

I would’ve wasted all my money

Would’ve slept with all my friends” but you didn’t

‘Cause you had your whole life ahead of you, baby

 

[Verse 2]

I don’t dare shut my eyes

I don’t wanna miss a thing

I don’t wanna let you down

I don’t wanna disappoint me

I won’t stop looking at others

Thinking that’s where I should be

I’m trying to enjoy myself, love myself

Who the fuck is myself?

 

[Chorus]

But they keep telling me

“You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, baby

Don’t worry, don’t stress, do your best”

What if that doesn’t save me?

They say “If I could go back, if I was still young

I would’ve cared less, made more mistakes to learn from”

But you didn’t ’cause you had your whole life ahead of you, baby

 

[Bridge]

How did you make it work out? Don’t tell me you faked it

Should I be changing it now or am I too late?

Could just be me or maybe our generation

Still they say “Be patient, it’s all meant to be

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, baby

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, baby”

 

[Chorus]

They say “If I could go back and do it again

I would’ve wasted all my money

Would’ve slept with all my friends” but you didn’t

‘Cause you had your whole life ahead of you, baby

 

[Outro]

They say “If I could go back and do it again, do it again…”

They say “If I could go back and do it again…”

 

ย ย  My nominees:

Lauren at

A Gentlewoman And A Scholar,

Laura at

All The Shoes I Wear

and Astrid at

A Multitude Of Musings

Hope you will enjoy this song. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Ugh, again? Some general update and a little health ramble.

Today it would be a really nice day for me, if not the fact I’m feeling really crappy physically.
Remember when last week I was writing about my emotional crisis I had on my birthday? I wrote it can be partially due to PMS and now I am sure it was true. Only why I have to feel PMS symptoms for more than a week before the actual time of surfing the crimson wave? Luckily emotionally I am much more stable than then and I hope it’ll continue, ’cause that was scary.
But OK, I can fully understand that aunt Ruby or Flo or whatever is her name, has her own rights, but why my leg is not cooperative either? Seriously, I am starting to worry, or at least wonder.
I got a weird and pretty painful wound on my calf and what is the more weird about it that a year ago I had an almost exactly looking wound on my other calf. Same was two years ago on the same leg as now, but not exactly in the same place as now. And moreover as far as I remember it was also in February, ’cause it was close to my Dad’s name day and it was annoyingly hard to heal. I had no idea where I could get it, it was like totally out of no where, so that my Mum even thought it may be some ulcer, which scared me, but when I went to my GP with it, she said it’s just a form of infection. I remember that last year it finally healed in April. So now I think it must be something chronic and I think I’ll need to visit someone who could tell me more than my GP. I was even wondering ’cause people with diabetes have issues with skin regeneration and I am apparently at a higher risk ’cause I was taking growth hormone in childhood and people on the both sides of my family have diabetes, but because I was taking that hormone I have tests about once a year and they were as good as always recently. I really want to know, even just of curiosity, what it is. Plus it pisses me off. My leg is hurting so much since a few days that even walking for a longer distance is a bit challenging. I discovered that it’s back with me when I went shopping with my Mum on Tuesday and then we went for a longer walk almost around our whole town and when we came back my calf started to burn horribly.
And it is also shitty because yesterday I was meant to go horse riding. I didn’t ride for a really really long time now, since Christmas, I believe, so I fell out of the routine completely. But my instructor is a very busy person, she is not only a horse riding instructor and hypotherapist, but also a doctor – anasthesiologist and neurologist and recently also works on ER a lot. Plus she has her own, big family and it always surprises me how she can manage it all and before now I could ride pretty regularly once a week unless she had to go to ER. I like the fact that she is a neurologist ’cause we can talk a lot about the brain and related stuff which i always appreciate, I’ve learnt a lot from her and it is thanks to her that I realised that if I could see, I would most probably end up as a brain surgeon. Anyway, back to my horse riding, she texted me on Wednesday evening she finally was able to schedule an hour on Thursday for me and asked me whether I’d like to go. It hurt me but I felt so excited that I impulsively wrote that yes sure I will come, but yesterday morning the pain was big enough that I realised it won’t be anything neither pleaasant nor beneficial if I went riding, I could easily make it hurt even more and I wouldn’t do a good job ’cause even my muscles around the wound were hurting.
I find life much more boring without riding. As for now I use Rivanol and tea tree oil to treat it but surely will end up on antibiotic as last year, I just didn’t go to any doctor yet.
Tomorrow is my Dad name day. You know what name day is? I know there are only a few countries now which celebrate it so if you don’t know, it’s basically the day when your patron saint has his/her feast. It’s a purely Christian tradition but now it’s celebrated just like your second birthday or something. Just another opportunity to eat as much as possible and have your family gathered together. There are all name days listed in Polish calendars, although they differ slightly and you probably won’t find exactly the same names under the same dates in two different calendars, but there are some conventional dates. Tomorrow is the name day of Elwira, Jacek, Jacenty and Scholastyka and therefore my Dad who is Jacek (or Hyacinth in English) is having his name day. It’s a bit weird to me though because saint Hyacinth who has his feast day tomorrow is almost unknown while we have another saint Hyacinth who was Polish and whose feast day is celebrated in August and he is much more known, so if I was my Dad, I would pick my name day to be in August on that other saint Hyacinth’s day, but I think it doesn’t matter that much for most people.
So tomorrow we will have even bigger family gathering than it was on my birthday and there will also be my Dad’s friends and I hope I won’t have to endure another emotional crisis. My poor Mum is in the kitchen almost all day long. She isn’t preparing that much food, but my Dad will have a big toffi cake. Ridiculous, because he can’t stand anything sweet. ๐Ÿ˜€ But we love toffi cake. Me, Zofijka, Olek and my Mum kind of likes it as well. And I am sure all the guests will be happy with it too. Toffi is such a delicious thing to eat. Will share with you tomorrow lol.
Now I am listening to Welsh music all the time, as it is Welsh Language Music Day today, so I definitely need to celebrate it. I’ve also learnt some Welsh today. But now I think I will go and nap for a while, ’cause my leg is hurting, my abdomen is hurting, my head is hurting and I feel quite miserable physically.
How are you guys doing? Any nice plans for the weekend? Maybe you’re celebrating something as well? Anyway, whatever you’re doing, I wish you a great weekend.

Second week of winter holidays.

Yes, today we just started the second week of winter holidays. I am happy I have one more week of chilling out before I’ll go again into my usual routine.

Unfortunately my family seems to have a bad luck recently. My dad got sick a few days ago, it looks like sicknesses really like us recently, because Mum was ill not so long ago, as well as Zofijka and me and my Dad were ill around new year, and now Dad’s sick again. And it looks like it’s angina again. He can barely speak. Only my brother Olek seems to be relatively fit.

And yesterday Mum and Zofijka and our cousin went to the icering and were skating for like a few hours, my Mum loves skating and is fairly good at it, but then suddenly she slipped and fell on her arm and now it hurts her terribly. We are worried it may be broken or something, ’cause it still seems to really hurt.

But Mum says that once she recovers, she’ll go skating again, she haven’t done it in years, but she really loves it.

I think that if my labyrinthium didn’t suck so much and if I had better balance, I would like it too, I have always had a weird liking for everything ice related, but I’d feel pretty unsecure on the icering with my freaking balance, I think. So as for now I am trying to help Mum when and if it’s possible, since it really sucks to be able to use only one hand and to be, as she calls herself, a “house manager”. ๐Ÿ™‚

My cousin is still with us which I am very grateful for because Zofijka is such an absorbing and really easily-bored kid, that she often gets on my nerves when she keeps repeating how bored she is and what she’d like to do and that no one wants to play with her and she is so alone. No matter how I love her, it can be annoying when she still only wants people to play with her and make up ideas for her to have fun, since we all have better and more important things to do. I often play with her and I like to do it, but, I hope you get it, I can’t do it all the time. No one can and wants. So I think we all appreciate it when Zofijka has someone her age to play with, if she really still needs company.

Misha is delighted, he got his new cat sausages today and he loves them. He was licking himself about 10 minutes I think after he ate lol. And he seems very happy and relaxed now. He is sitting by the window and looking at the world and licking his paws. This is the life. ๐Ÿ˜€

Hope you all are also having a nice day, no matter if you have a winter break or not. ๐Ÿ™‚

A bit of a mental health update.

I’ve had quite a tough time in a few recent days. It started on Thursday and it was even more tough because it was my birthday, so, you know, people would expect you to be happy, smiling and beaming, while I felt everything but that. Since I got up, I felt just so overwhelmingly depressed, plus extremely irritable and emotional, like anything you’d say could make me cry or scream, just like a minefield. Very unstable. So, although as I wrote some time before, I am still a master at stifling emotions and no one really could really see anything that’s going on inside me, even my Mum didn’t realise until I told her, it was really hard to keep things under control.
I had a very poor sleep the night before and maybe that contributed to it. I fell asleep sometime between 4 and 5, I had so many thoughts and feelings on my mind that they kept me up and anxious for the most part of the night. Luckily when I finally fell asleep, it wasn’t disrupted and I had some time to catch up on sleep before the noon. So as I said, I felt just massive floods of emotions going through me when I woke up. I felt like I was shaking inside and had a lump of rage and tears constantly in my throat, as if I was close to a meltdown, which felt a bit scary.
I tried to be smiling and I think I succeeded, after all I am sure that if not my emotional disregulation, I would surely enjoy that day much more.
My sis Zofijka was very sweet to me. She bought me a Toffifee, she knows I love Toffifee and she loves it too, so we were eating it together. Also she got me a pillow which looks like a cat and she called it Misha. My Mum got me a salt lamp, which is really lovely. And I got a cat figurine made of onyx from my Dad, so my gem stone figurines collection is now a bit bigger. It is very lovely too. I felt very grateful for how they knew what would make me happy.
The first more difficult moment for me during that day happened when my aunt, who is also my God mother called me to wish me happy birthday. She is kind of know-all person, quite judgmental and that’s why she often, consciously or not, hurts people with her straight-away, judgmental opinions, which surely aren’t facts, or with her “good advices”. I think almost everyone knows someone like this, who wishes you only well, but in fact every time you talk to them, you feel drained or hurt.
So this time wasn’t an exception and she kind of worsened my mood even more. So I decided that before any guests will come, I need some Mishtime, just Misha and me, otherwise I will explode and people will be surely very astonished and confused. So we had some time together with Misha and with some good, Norwegian electronic music on. I think Mishka realised in some way that I need him, because he stayed beside me for an entire hour, although it’s so not his style. We lied together and I was stroking him and listening to his sounds – his heartbeat, breath, his tummy and any other Mishsounds. They are all sooo cute! ๐Ÿ˜€ Really. And they are so soothing. That’s why I sometimes wish I could go inside Misha and hide there, although my sis says it’s weird, because she thinks Misha can’t be even a bit as beautiful inside as he is outside and she’d prefer to be small enough to fit his basket and curl up in there with him. Anyway, Mishtime made me a bit more relaxed for a while, but just for a while.
Finally the guests came and it turned out we’ll be having quite a lot of extended family here. Our family is rather big and they like gatherings and their food, especially my Dad’s family, so it was really quite a bunch of people. Although I know them all more or less obviously since they are my family, I didn’t feel very confident in such a big group of people so the anxiety turned on at some point as well. And then we also had a little family drama, not regarding me directly, but indirectly and it made me even more emotional, so after a few hours I just needed urgently to go away from all this. So did it. Misha was following me so we both went to the bathroom and I had a long, hot shower and cried my guts out, as I felt I needed it, where as Misha enjoyed his favourite activity – drank the water from the tap in the tube. He always drinks from everywhere but his own bowl. ๐Ÿ˜€ I couldn’t really get exactly why I had all these emotions and why they were so intense and mixed. So I cried a lot and for a while I felt I let it out, but it couldn’t be all, because I still was feeling very depressed and hopeless and lonely, although paradoxically the living room was full of people who came to me, at least theoretically. But I knew that if I came to them, the feeling of loneliness wouldn’t decrease. And I was just as crappy as I didn’t feel in weeks already. And then before I even fully realised what I’m doing, I cut myself. Again. Ughhh… Then, of course, endorphines started to work. But again, just for a while.
So I decided that I need to call my therapist. Well I’ve told you already that she isn’t my therapist any longer formally, but since I don’t have any other regular therapy instead, she checks in with me from time to time, like once a month or so. She’s very busy and has a few jobs, so it’s often hard for her to carve out some time. That’s why I was almost sure she won’t be able to talk.
But she was. And it already felt like a huge relief. I told her how unstable and chaotic I feel and like I can burst out with any minute and how unsafe I feel because of that and that I have no clue what could cause it, only that it may be some unprocessed stuff from the past or something like this. Then while talking to her about all that, I realised that it might be also due to PMS, as I have it. There was a little discussion about PMS on one of the lists I’m on exactly the same day, but I didn’t realise it may be due to PMS, or partly because of it, before I started to talk about it to my therapist.I talked to her about what’s going on in my life. That recently I am having sleep paralysis and all the scary dreams regularly again so often wake up pretty exhausted before I even start doing something more constructive. I also talked to her about my anxiety levels which are shifting quite a lot now, sometimes I can feel almost no anxiety and then suddenly it just hits me so strong that it’s sometimes really hard to stand it. Sometimes I even don’t see the reason of such reaction very clearly. And it’s often hard to hide from people that I am anxious, which I hate, because it still makes me quite unsafe when I know or even suppose that other people may realise what I’m feeling at the moment. I told her that I often feel like I don’t get myself AT ALL and how it damn frustrates me. And that I cut myself and now am frustrated about that too. We also talked briefly about my social anxiety in connection to my birthday. She already knows that this school year is extremely hard for me because of the final exams coming in May and stuff related to that as well as because I feel very unsecure about my future and it just looks so shitty and hopeless to me. So she asked me also about these things and how I am doing school wise. I told her that besides that previous exam session being much tougher for me emotionally than I’d expect and how drained I was afterwards, it’s fairly well with this now, I decided to slow down before the next term starts ’cause I feel I really need it and now I’m trying to think about school and my future as little as possible, but I think I’ll have a gap year before I’ll start with any further education. Just to have more time to consider what would be the best for me and also to recharge after this year. And maybe gain some new skills like a new language, find another job, so I’ll have more money either to save for the future or spare just for things I enjoy since I can do this now as I live with my family. That’s what my Mum told me would be wise to do, to take a gap year, and I think so too. My therapist said it’s reasonable indeed. We also talked about my relationship with my Dad, which was always difficult, complicated I mean, but rather good and recently started to break down a bit which worries me and makes me a bit confused. And we talked a lot about many different emotions and feelings and the content of my dreams and other things that are a bit too private to put it here, plus some of them are still fairly difficult for me to talk about.
Anyway, she was able to put some of the weight off me and I felt a little bit more uplifted, even just the fact that she was accessible for me and I had someone supportive to talk to did a lot for me. I felt much more encouraged and not so much hopeless, although it still wasn’t ideally.
She told me that she’s of course not a doctor, but she thinks I am in a lot of distress because of all that what’s going on and if she’d be me, she’d ask my doc to put me on Afobam again.
I was taking Afobam some time ago for a while and it really worked for me so I think it’s not a bad thought and I think I’ll do it next week. Also she told me she would really like to be able to schedule some regular sessions for me, ’cause that’s definitely what I need in her opinion, so she said it would be good if I could find someone who would provide me support on a regular basis. THat may not be as easy though, but I was also thinking about it a lot recently, so looks like it’s time for it.
Misha was still with me as talked to my therapist and purred loudly. I think there really might be something more to that theory that animals are very good at feeling our emotions, he was just so sweet that day. Or maybe he realised it was my birthday haha.
So when we finished, I went downstairs to see what’s up and helped my Mum a bit to tidy up and then went straight to bed with Misha, as I still felt quite depressed and exhausted. The next day I talked to my Mum about my call with the therapist and what we talked about and generally about everything related. She isn’t always very understanding, but was very supportive when I talked to her and we talked honestly and openly for about an hour which I really appreciated. And my Mum also told me she feels like she might have PMS right now, ’cause that day was also hard for her. I didn’t have that overwhelming feeling of too many mixed emotions inside me any longer, although was still feeling depressive throughout the day. But it wasn’t as scary as on Thursday, it really made a huge difference for me.
Today, besides poor sleep again and still feeling a bit depressive, I feel much more stable. My therapist checked in with me today in the morning via email and seemed very pleased to hear about my conversation with Mum. So that’s it, I really hope it’ll get only better from now on. Hope you all are having great weekend. ๐Ÿ™‚

Nice day.

Today is going really nice for me.

Zofijka woke me up very early, because she woke up and couldn’t fall asleep again and wanted to sleep with me. It was like 6 AM when she came to me, but then we didn’t sleep anymore, just chatted and each of us did her own thing. Zofijka played on her phone and I read George Bidwell’s book “Pat’s Sons”. I’ve already finished it. It’s the second book of the series about Michael and Pat, it’s a series about history of Ireland.

When we finally got up, it was almost the time for Zofijka to go out, because she was going to our cousin for the day and she’ll be staying at him for the night. They really like to play together so I hope she’s glad there. Zofijka puts so much energy in to our home so now it’s a bit quiet without her, but I think it’s necessary from time to time to have some silence, luckily she’s only gone for a day.

If you’ve read Misha’s post, you already know from him that then we both had some time together. Then my Mum came back home after dropping Zofijka to cousin’s and we went out together since I needed a haircut. We had to do also some small-wares shopping and had to visit a few bakeries. Misha had his birthday yesterday and tomorrow is mine, so, you know, you need to have some cake for guests, but we couldn’t find the one my Mum wanted. I left decision for her, because I don’t feel an expert about birthday cakes and actually I am pretty sure that tomorrow I’ll be too stressed to eat a lot, because of my social anxiety it’s always a bit stressing for me when my extended family comes to us, the more that I’ll have to be the centre of attention. I mean, I like my family, but it’s just a bit challenging for me to be in such a large group of people for a longer time. Plus I like my Mum’s blueberry dessert much more, so she told me she’ll make it for me, but people always tend to like those greasy, extremely sweet and richly decorated birthday cakes, so let them have one. I have always quite mixed feelings about having birthday.

So when we got home, I chatted a lot with Mum about lots of things, we had raspberry muffins and I was writing with my Swedish pen pal. But wasn’t up to much besides that.

Hope you all are having a nice day.

#JusJoJan 2018, the 29th – Fantastic.

My cat Misha is absolutely fantastic! I know he loves me unconditionally, I love him this way too, isn’t it fantastic when you have a relationship like that?

Misha looks fantastic, is a fantastic companion, comforter and is just fantastic in everything he does. I admire him. My sister Zofijka (Sophie if you prefer) used to say that if only I could, I would marry Misha. Maybe… that’s not that bad idea. ๐Ÿ˜€ What do you think?

Misha is really inspiring for me every day we go through together. He is almost everything for me, which means he holds lots of functions in my life. As I said he’s my comforter and companion every day. But he also does a fantastic job as my listener, friend, warmer, pillow, baby, brother and a blanket. Who wouldn’t like such a beautiful, fantastic little creature in their life as I have?

https://lindaghill.com/2018/01/29/jusjojan-2018-the-29th-fantastic/

Share your world – January 29, 2018.

If you had an unlimited shopping spree at only one store, which one would you choose? Why?

Hm, I think it would be the shop with minerals that I visited during my holidays in Stockholm.

What is the worst thing you ate recently?

My Dad is an enthusiast of smoked meat and he likes to make something smoked every week. This week he smoked a ham, but oh my God it was so salty! I am a big lover of salt and spices and all, so is my Dad, but it was just so awfully salty that you couldn’t feel anything else than salt lol.

Name five things you like watching…

Five things… I don’t watch TV that often, so it might be hard, but let’s try. I like “Happy Valley”, “The Voice” and recently I am a maniac of Welsh series because they help me with my Welsh vocabulary so I watch everything I can watch not living in the UK on the Welsh-language channel S4C. My favourite series is “Rownd A Rownd”, also I watch “Pobl Y Cwm” and a show for learners called “Llyncu Geiriau”.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

My cat Misha makes me smile everyday. He’s so beautiful that I think it would be just a sin, or extreme stupidity and ungratefulness if I didn’t appreciate that I have such a precious treasure like Misha. You just have to smile, or at least feel a bit uplifted, when you look at him. Other things are music and lots of chill out time. I really really really appreciate that after the exam session. And I am glad that winter holidays started.