A letter to my 33-year-old self.

Continuing with the

Letter Writing Challenge

today I am writing a letter to my older – 33-year-old – self.

Dear Bibiel, because I believe that, if you are still there, you are still Bibiel, deep down, aren’t you?

Remember me? I’m your younger self. How’s life going for you right now? What are you doing today? I must say I’m quite curious what you would write to me, but since you have more important things to do at the moment, I assume, I decided to write to you first, and hope to get a response, someday.

I wanted to remind you that, wherever you are at in your life right now, whether you like it and are satisfied with it, or not and are struggling a lot, everything is transient in life. I’m sure you know that better than me but it’s easy to forget about it in everyday life. I also want to remind you about another cliche thing that I’m sure you know, but I want you to never forget it, that no matter where you are, and what people are surrounding you, or maybe you’re alone or lonely, no matter whether you like it or not, what you are doing and what life is like, what is going on with the world and what challenges you are having to face, you have your brain. Use it. You know I am not talking about thinking, although that’s important too especially that we humans seem to be worse and worse at it and get tired of thinking more and more easily, and I don’t expect this trend has changed in the world where you live. I am talking about coping with things. I hope you are surrounded by supportive people, even if it is mostly or exclusively online as is the case with me, and that you are privileged to be able to support other people and do it as much as you can, but even if you do, and especially if you do not, it is important to know that no one will help you more than you can help yourself, and that you can’t rely too much on other people. Your brain is your fortress so do use it, as much as possible, especially when all else fails, and don’t forget about your Brainworld, it is always there.

How is Misha doing?… Does he still live with you or did you move somewhere and leave Misha with your family? I hope that if you live on your own, you weren’t selfish and possessive enough to take him with you, if you did, know that I loathe you for that. Well, unless some miracle happened and you are able to take proper care of him and provide him with all that he deserves. On the other hand I hope you do not live with Zofijka, because as much as she is a sweet kid, I know you would have a very hard life living just with her, or possibly her family, since you both are quite clashy and neither of you would be happy long term. I also hope that you didn’t have to bring your emergency plan into life, if it did have to happen by now, I hope you are managing and have something that brings joy into your life, and that it isn’t as bad as it used to be. At the same time I congratulate you for being a very courageous Bibiel, courageous enough to make it happen and I know it must have been a very difficult decision, and its outcomes are certainly no less difficult. Most of all though, I hope you will never have to do that.

How is your language learning going? I hope you can continue with it and it’s exciting to think that you may be able to speak even more languages than I can. As you may realise, I am in a faza limbo right now, or I hope that this is a limbo, and not the end of everything, as I sometimes feel. Please tell me that it’s not the end, and that you have a faza!

You may also remember, that at the time I’m writing to you, the world is going through the coronavirus outbreak. I’d be curious to hear from you what you think about it, looking back. Were you scared of it at any point? Did it affect you?

Looking forward to hear from you in the future and sending you a little piece of Mishfur, and a little Mishpurrr, with this letter, in case you forgot how it feels and sounds.

Bibiell

*****

I thought I’d clarify one thing in the letter, so that no one has any doubts. One of my readers was concerned that my “emergency plan” was suicide, and after re-reading this, I agree that it is easy to draw such a conclusion. But it was not what I meant, and it isn’t anything dangerous and unsafe. Just something I am not particularly looking forward to, but will do if I have to. I may have a lot of passive suicidal ideations in the background of my brain but I am stable enough at this time in my life that I don’t make active plans or anything like that, and I would definitely trigger warn this post if it was about suicide even indirectly.

 

A letter to my 13-year-old self.

Today starts

10-Day Letter Writing Challenge

and, as I mentioned in the original post that I reblogged earlier today, or rather yesterday as it’s past midnight, I really liked the idea. I have never participated in those kind of challenges where you write every day for a certain amount of time, so I don’t know how it will go and I don’t promise that I will stick to it on my blog, but I do plan to write those letters for sure in my diary because I like to expand it in such ways and not just plain write about my daily life.

Here’s a letter to my 13-year-old self:

Hi Bisbis [Bisbis/Bibiel was the way I used to mostly call myself as a child and teen]

I am your future self, however strange that may sound to you. You may wonder why I am writing to you in English then, and I am sure that it will take you a looong time to figure this letter out, but this will at least improve your English skills and occupy your mind with something interesting for a while. You will need it in the future – the English, I mean. – One day, when life will get better, you will have an English blog. You have heard from people that you have a talent for languages and you sometimes wonder if it is true and what you should do about it, if anything. And you have already learnt some Swedish. I know how painful it is for you that you cannot do it anymore. Please don’t suppress this one thing at least. I think it will be of some comfort to you if I’ll tell you that you will be able to return to your Swedish in future. It will bring you a lot of pleasure and you will also learn to love many other languages, which will make your life feel more purposeful. You will have to thank one of your faza objects for that. Soon after that, you will also find the greatest love of your life (so far at least), whom you will love with all your brain and soul, who will live with you and sleep with you and who will be your best friend. No, obviously I’m not talking about any guy, I’m sure you know it! Nor about a girl, if you’re wondering, or maybe being concerned, hehe. His name will be Misha, not Jacek, and that’s all I’m gonna tell you. Believe me, seriously, the things will not always be the way they are right now, even though it really looks like they will. Change will come sooner than you think, although you will have to get through a lot before it happens, and then learn a lot of things that you might find unpleasant or uncomfortable.

I know that you wrote a letter to me as well, like Emily of the New Moon did to herself, but unfortunately I am not able to read it now and look back at all those things you wanted to know and respond to you properly because you lost it. You do have to learn to be less chaotic. But so far it hasn’t happened. πŸ˜€ And I think we agree that being chaotic is more interesting, right? I still like Emily of the New Moon a lot, although not as frenziedly as you. I can assure you that your current dream will come true and that you will change your name to Emilia legally soon after you turn 18. It was a good idea so you don’t have to worry, you were right and I thank you for that.

At this point, I live in a different house than the one that is your family home, but not far away from there, just in a town nearby. It is also big, and you will move in it about 7 years from where you are at, if I’m counting correctly. You will like it here. As we’re talking about counting, I have some bad news for you too. Well, at least for you it will probably sound bad, I feel quite neutral about it and I don’t perceive it as a tragedy or even anything near it. You will not pass your math final exam after high school. Moreover, you will decide not to rewrite it.

There was that man who told you that you won’t fix yourself by studying psychology and becoming a therapist, and you felt offended because he was assuming and implying that something was wrong with you and that you were selfish, and I think you also felt very insecure because you knew he could be on to something. I know that your intentions weren’t selfish at all, but, as you’ll see for yourself later on, he was actually right, in a lot of ways. Because, you do know deep down that it is not normal to feel the way you feel, all the time, don’t you? And you do realise that many things in your life and functioning aren’t the way they should be? Well, you will need time to come to terms with this, and one day you will understand that it is yourself who needs help, before you can give it to others. But also, this is not your fault, as you think and as everyone is making you feel or even telling you, indirectly. I do not like you much more than you like yourself, if I’m being honest with you, but I want you to know that this is not your fault and that some people, even those you seriously wouldn’t suspect to be, are way more selfish than you think, others are clueless. You are clueless too. You will learn and discover some difficult things about yourself and your life circumstances, I am still doing that and in a way it’s getting overwhelming, and so confusing, but you will learn to live and cope with those things you learn about yourself, but also making those discoveries will be helpful, as life and your whole situation will become a bit clearer for yourself and others, and it is always easier to deal with something that you know at least a bit. As I said, life will really get better. Your brain will get better. The mere relief from having to pretend that everything is OK will make a difference. You will find a lot of friends online, not the same ones as you have right now, although I know many of them are cool, and don’t let anyone tell you that online friendships are any less valuable or real or something. You will find very supportive and understanding people with whom you will often have a lot of things in common, in one way or another. I know it feels awful right now but don’t give up just yet. And, while you will still have a deep interest in psychology, maybe even deeper in some ways, I think you will grow out of that idea, and instead you will decide to focus on your languages more. Well, that’s at least what I know now, who knows how things will get in the more distant future. As for more distant future, currently I have no idea how it will go, and it feels somewhat scary even to me, but I am trying to be hopeful because otherwise I would have no right to tell you not to give up, as my life is way easier than yours.

Zofijka is almost your age now and a lot of what you thought she’d be like has come true. She is very bubbly and energetic and talks all the time, and she loves sports and One Direction and currently has become enamoured with Japanese men, and yes, she loves clothes shopping and changes her clothes all the time, but she has a very distinctive style despite being a very average girl in a lot of ways, and you’d be surprised how very mature she is deep down. I think you would like her. Though she is very different from you, and thus very different from me, and so we not always get along.

I really don’t know what else to tell you, other than that there is hope, so I will be finishing, because it’s 2 AM and I feel like I should go to sleep. Yeah, I still tend to write at nights, but now it’s my choice, and not a necessity, and I realise it’s a luxury not only for people like you who feel they lack privacy but most people actually, who aren’t able to manage their time on their own. Ah, and I can tell you that you will live in times of a pandemic, which is happening right now, I guess you’d find that interesting, for example to observe how people are behaving. I find it interesting myself, but while it’s changed our lives all around the world very much, it doesn’t feel scary for myself so far. Maybe just because it is not a norovirus pandemic, haha.

Your future Bibiel self (I no longer call myself Bibiel all the time, only sometimes, you have to adjust to the society at some point, but I still am Bibiel and am loving it no less than you do)

Blogging Chums award.

So I was nominated, again, yay! πŸ™‚ This time by lovely Ghostmmnc

for the Blogging Chums award. Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. πŸ™‚

The Blogging Chums Award is given to particularly brilliant bloggers who are really providing something special to the community, either through their writing or the way they engage with other people: they’re just brilliant!

Here are the rules:

1. Be sure to use the award image!
2. List the rules & about paragraph!
3. Thank whoever nominated you!
4. Write a letter to someone who means a lot to you to spread some positivity around the Internet – anyone will do!
5. Nominate 5-10 more people for the award and go let them know about it in their comments!

I think I’m going to break the first rule about the award image, I don’t have anyone around to help me with it at the moment as civilised people are sleeping and I wouldn’t like to do it wrong in any way, which would be quite likely as I can’t see. πŸ˜€

And now, the letter. I’m curious how it’ll go, honestly. πŸ˜€ Will Misha be appropriate? πŸ˜‰ I know there are people who would question calling a cat “someone”, but not me, plus he means the world to me, so I think he’ll do too.

My dear, lovely and just the best baby, friend and supporter, Misha!

Sometimes I really wonder how do you have to feel about yourself if the only thing you get from others is pure adoration, love and pampering. But that’s what you deserve, sweetie, even if it makes you think you are the centre of the world, because, actually, you are pretty close to that point in my world, never mind worlds of other people. I would like to know if you know how much you really mean to me. I want you to realise how much love, joy and happiness you have brought into my life when you came to us – little, fearful, non stop crying baby Misha. I loved you at a first glance, and although I have you with me for only two years, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to exist without you. Some would probably call it a very wrong form of attachment or something, but I don’t really care, as long as you are with me. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Zofijka picked another Russian blue cat for us, not you, if you wouldn’t stare at her at that moment you both met. Would I love that cat as much as I love you? Would he be as exceptional, beautiful and intelligent as you are? Probably, but I’m just so happy I have you, my lovely, grey-blue-silver Mishbaby. So if you didn’t realise it yet, I want to tell you now I just love you to pieces. I even love those few disadvantages you have because they make you who you are, they make you a unique individual, different from all your brothers and sisters and all the OTher Russian blue cats. Even if my family doesn’t understand why are you scared so easily and so wild at times, I do get it. We are made of the same clay, aren’t we? We both love to be close with other beings, but anything can scare us and make us run away. We both need to consider all the circumstances before we engage in anything. We both hate people intruding on our territory and when there are too many people around. And we both like to observe everything around us not being seen. Isn’t that a lot of common ground? I guess that’s probably why we got along immediately. I just want you to know that I don’t want you to be different. That would be fun if you would be more snuggly than you are, but we can’t say you aren’t, and I think if you aren’t snuggly all the time, we can appreciate snuggle time with you more than if it would be our normal. Sometimes all of us get it a bit too directly, that you don’t like us, and that’s because you don’t want any hugs and sometimes just any kind of touch, but I know it’s not about us and I think others do too, it’s just how you are. So even if we are disappointed at times, that you don’t come to us like a stereotypical cat, purring and waiting for snuggles, I love you and accept you as you are, not because I can’t change you so I accepted it as it is, but because you are my Misha, the only Misha I have and my favourite Misha, and I wouldn’t change you for a thousand of other Mishas. And I know that when you cuddle with me, sleep with me, lay down at my feet purring everY TIME I come home from somewhere and say “Hhrruu?”, spend all the day with me, come to me and lick me like crazy, play with me, let me cry in your fur, climb up on my arms, it’s because you want it. YOu truly want it, and no one forces you to do so. So I guess you have to like me too. And I want to thank you for all that you do for me. That you simply are with me, through thick and thin, and you are so supportive, like many human beings can’t be. I’m just so lucky I have you.

Thank you so much for everything and hope you’re happy with us too!

Emilia

My nominees:

Amee over at

Beauty And Bipolar

Carol Anne over at

Therapy Bits

Ashley over at

Mental Health At Home

Trina over at

It’s Good TO Be Crazy Sometimes

Cyranny over at

Cyranny’s Cove

Thanks once again, Ghostmmnc, for nominating me. πŸ™‚