Welcome to Weekend Coffee Share!
We hadn’t have one in months, so I think it’s definitely time to do it!
Let’s have a cuppa and talk a bit about our week, and whatever else we might want to talk about. There is black coffee, as always, and lots of teas, my favourite raspberry tea with ginger, chamomile tea, and some others, and a couple green teas as well, so feel free to get whatever you prefer. Oh, and recently I even bought myself some ginger, I love my tea with ginger, especially at this time of year, though my Mum has been stealing a lot of it, so there’s not much left. My Mum has asthma episode again, she usually has them in late autumn/early winter, she has episodic asthma so it tends to like come once a year, be very annoying and then go away for the rest of the year, I have the same thing, but for me it’s milder and so does Olek, and smoking doesn’t help him, so we all need ginger, so I let my Mum get it when she wants hahaha. What has ginger to do with asthma? Well apparently ginger is one of those foods that reduce mucus in your body and help you get rid of it, and when you have asthma you have a tendency to produce too much mucus, or something like this. 😀 I think it makes a perfect sense though.
Besides, we had duck meat for lunch and there still is some, and I am happy to share my mint chocolates with you – that’s a funny story with them, my Dad thought it was my nameday on Friday, and it used to be before I legally changed my name a couple of years ago, now I have my nameday in June, anyway he forgot about it and I woke up to him wishing me all the best and giving me these chocolates and I didn’t know what’s up, is he joking or what? 😀 That was funny. Eventually I didn’t correct him, I felt like it would be a bit awkward or even jerky to just tell him it’s not my nameday today, after so much effort from him. 😀
Oh and Mum just came back with groceries and she has bought some biscuits,juices and other stuff like that.
OK, so I hope you all have something to munch and sip on, and let’s start our coffee share. 🙂
If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you are doing and whether there was anything particular that was on your mind lately…?
If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve had a pretty uneventful week overall this time, though a little hard particularly at the beginning.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you I am a bit frustrated with myself this week. I tried to work on some Vreeswijk translations, as it was his death anniversary on Monday, and although I worked on two of his songs and one poem, I wasn’t able to finish any of them. I hate that I always get stuck somewhere and just can’t wriggle out of it, and have so many pieces of translated poems and songs by him that I started but can’t finish. The poem has only one verse to be translated so maybe I’ll be able to come up with something until Christmas, I’d love to. Also that day made me think a lot about my friend Jacek from Helsinki…
If we were having coffee,I’d also tell you the beginning of this week was rather rough for me, I was having a whole lot of very yucky anxiety, I think mainly as an aftermath of the damn sleep paralysis which always makes me feel as if I was haunted by a flock of zombies for a few days afterwards, and to make things even more interesting, I ran out of my anti-anxiety meds, the last one finished last week, and monday was a holiday, so I couldn’t get them right away, assuming I could get them right away in other circumstances. I still don’t have them, because Mum wasn’t able to pick the prescriptionn and get them for me, but it’s much better now anyway.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a pretty nasty migraine on Wednesday, I couldn’t get rid of it for the entire day. I am a bit fed up with headaches, as I had another, milder one, last sunday. It seems to be over for now though.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you that today our cousin is with us, she’s here since Friday actually, and plays with Zofijka. There is always so much chaos when there are any kids coming to her but at the same time I am always happy when it happens because as I am sure you already know well, Zofijka is a very absorbing child and likes the world to turn around her, and I’m glad there is now someone who wants to play with her so the rest of us can have a break and not think about her all the time.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you I didn’t have therapy for two weeks now, and I am quite anxious about going tomorrow. I really like my therapist as a person, and how very empathetic and outgoing she is, but since some time I am wondering a little whether indeed this time I found a good match for myself. ‘Cause although she’s so very empathetic and warm and all, I often have an impression as if she just doesn’t understand me on a deeper level. Maybe it is just my impression, maybe it’s my brain reacting to some healing process that is going on and that I can’t see yet, or maybe it’s anxiety, but it’s still niggling somewhere at the back of my mind. Again. ‘Cause, as you may remember, I’ve already switched therapists this year. I’ve been for years with my therapist Monika, in an a bit irregular contact, but in a very safe relationship, but she decided that she shouldn’t work with me any longer because of how much work she has and she felt she can’t be as dedicated as she should be to me, and because at that time I was diagnosed with AVPD and she felt like someone having more experience with personality disorders could help me better, so I met my next therapist, the one who had some experience with personality disorders, via her. But I didn’t feel like I am making any progress with that new therapist at all, she was a nice person but, that was pretty much all, I didn’t feel like we had anything in common and didn’t feel attached to her whatsoever. after a couple of months I thought maybe I should find a therapist working in a different way, so now I am working with a psychodynamic therapist since August. And while I like her way of looking atdifferent things, it seems to be pretty similar this time too.
And I wonder whether there’s something wrong with me or my perception of other people or whatever else, or maybe indeed I should try more and look for someone else, or just give us more time. Maybe I still compare her to my first therapist to whom I was very attached and really getting along. I just don’t think as if very much has changed since I last saw my first t. That’s rather frustrating and I wonder whether I should talk about it to her, I mean my current therapist. Maybe it’s not therapy that I should look for but rather focus on some other ways of recovering from/coping with my mental illnesses? My Mum suggested me that maybe I could call Monika, my first therapist, and tell her about it, and ask her if she could help in any way, but I am not sure whether it would be actually OK. Dunno really, just feel quite confused thinking about all that.
And, what actually annoys/frustrates me the most, is how often different professionals, be them doctors or therapists, assume that my main problem is my blindness. Sure, it does change the way I see some things greatly (obviously 😏), it does impact my functioning together with other issues I have, and it has been having a great impact on how my life looks like and on my experiences, but it’s not such a big deal really. My therapist persistently denies that it has any significance for her and says it doesn’t matter for her at all, whenever I ask her about this, but still asks me questions like: “When did you accept that you’re blind?”, in such a sad, incredibly sympathetic and emotional tone as if she was sorry for me that I had to accept it. While there was nothing I had to accept, it was just always this way so why should I care about it? As if she asked me “When did you accept the fact that you have blue eyes?”. Well maybe there is something wrong with me or I don’t understand something but to me it looks really weird and is just annoying.
Or her opinion is that my feelings of inadequacy and being weird, different, quirky, bla bla bla you name it, stem mainly from my blindness… Hell NO! Honestly, what’s blindness gotta do with this? I mean yeah, it doesn’t make things easier, but… no, it’s not like that… Though maybe she knows it better and it’s something I’m unaware of?… God knows…
but where I’m going to is the situation that was what started to make me feel confused. It was about two months ago.
I had that very very awful anxiety like all the time, won’t go into details here but it was shit, I didn’t have therapy for two weeks, like now. I was really looking forward to my session finally and really wanted to tell her about the anxiety, work it through somehow. It is the kind of anxiety that is very hard for me, hard for me to even talk about in detail to anyone, I’ve never talked to anyone about it more than just very superficially, never even written much about it, because even just going through this scares loads of shit out of me for some reason and it’s also all very hard to describe so I am also afraid of invalidation I guess.
But the night before my therapy, when I was going crazy with that overwhelming anxiety and wasn’t able to do much about it, I finally decided that yes, this time I am going to try and open up to her, whatever it takes, I want to be finally free from it. It was a very hard decision for me and I was scared, but I prepared for it emotionally and was ready for the shit to come out and hoping I’ll be able to indeed trust her enough to tell it to her when I see her.
So yes, I saw her, and I told her I had so much anxiety and she asked me what it’s about, so I was telling her about it, and didn’t even actually reach any point in it, because she just interrupted me and said that yeah, she understands it, this anxiety surely represents the fact that I am blind and have to depend on other people..
I was like “emm, what’s the point?”. I know that different things we fear, or dream about, or such, represent different situations in our life, or our relationships, or something, in psychodynamic therapy, a bit like in psychoanalysis, but I dont’ know what could this kind of anxiety have to do with depending or not depending on other people. She kept explaining to me that it makes me feel unsafe, depending on other people, that is, and therefore I may have different kinds of anxiety.
It could be true in some part, but not in regard to this particular anxiety, I think.
I felt like, again, she’s putting my blindness in the central place while there are so many other things that are much more important, much more of a deal. But above all, I felt like my fear has just become true and no one can relate to this kind of anxiety I experience and that she has just invalidated me, not on purpose for sure, but still. She didn’t even listen to me, I only managed to tell her a little about how I suppose it began, and she already assumed she knows everything.
It wouldn’t be such a big deal to me because everyone gets more or less invalidated sometimes and it’s impossible for people to be always able to relate to you, you don’t only have to do with very supportive and understanding people. But it was such a huge issue to me to even just tell someone anything about it, some more details. I was preparing for it for the whole night before and was literally shaking and sweating and all, it was an incredibly hard thing for me to do, and hard decision to tell her about it and work through it. And after that I feel my fear of talking about it is even stronger, and that’s when my doubts started, regarding whether I should stay with this therapist, or actually have any therapy.
So yeah, I am afraid of tomorrow’s session, ’cause I know I’ll probably have to talk to her about it, how she sees it, and I’ll be very curious to learn what else is my blindness causing to go wrong in my life. 😀 I can’t not be cynnical here sorry.
And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you I didn’t have horse riding for two weeks either. Last week I was sick with some ovary infection or whatever it was and this week my instructor had a surgery, not a serious one apparently, but still a surgery, so she needs to recover. I hope though that next week I’ll be able to go, I really miss my horses lots and lots.
What would you tell me if we were having coffee? 🙂