Question of the day (21st April).

You’re allowed to erase one item from your schedule for the next week. What is it and what do you replace it with?

My answer:

Barbecues – there’s some sort of weird, informal tradition in Poland that people are doing barbecues in the first days of May – as they are like bank holidays here and the weather is usually getting warmer, or I guess that’s the reason. – Barbecuing can be cool, but as for my family it usually means socialising, and eating loads of meat and little of anything else, I usually hate them. I’d replace them with… let’s think… learning Welsh maybe? or blogging? or something nice like that. Definitely something nice.

You? πŸ™‚

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So I did it. And I’m back home.

I took a nap during the day which made me feel a little bit better overall. As I wrote in the previous post we’ve had a family gathering because of my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary. We went to the church, and riding was tough, but pretty manageable.
When we left to go to the restaurant for the actual party, I started to feel quite overwhelmed by the amount of people. I really don’t do well when there are so many people, not even just because of the anxiety, but it also always makes me confused, particularly if I don’t know many of those people, as it was today. It’s hard for me to communicate effectively and have any pleasure out of it when there are almost 50 people, it’s rather overwhelming. But I tried my best and I think despite not feeling secure in the situation I did pretty well.
I only stayed for dinner, then we had a photo session and then some cake and coffee. As for the eating in a large group of people issue I managed it well because I ate very little before so by the time the dinner started I was pretty hungry and didn’t focus that much on other things. And the food was really yummy.
Then my grandad came to me and asked me if I’d like to leave. I thought maybe it’s very visible that I don’t feel very well among so many people, but it turned out he asked because he had to leave for a little while anyway to bring something from the house, so he could drop on his way. My grandad as I told you before is a typical introvert and he doesn’t like to be among many people either, I know he’d rather spent today’s evening fishing or something but that’s the reality, when you have a family, sometimes you need to make compromises.
I wondered whether it’s not too early to leave, but he said it’ll be completely OK and that he knows I’d be bored so I don’t have to explain myself. It’s good when you have someone who just gets things. And it felt very kind of him to think of me.
So then there was a little fuss because one of the guests came quite belated so they all were welcoming him and stuff and so we just sneaked out.
I asked grandad how he’s feeling about the party, because I know it was actually my aunts’ idea to make it so huge and sumptuous, and he said that yes, he’d much prefer to be already in bed watching his favourite movie that is on TV today, but he was happy that his family is happy and having fun. Hm, I don’t know if I’d have such a big family of my own and they’d make such a big party in honour of mine, that I would be so dedicated and thoughtful as he is. πŸ˜€
So he left me and I’ve just got out of my party outfit, fed Misha and checked my email and I think I’ll jump into the shower now and then go to sleep straight away. I feel kinda exhausted despite that nap earlier today, I think I’m having PMS or something, it would be the time, don’t know if I’ll sleep but at least just lie in bed and read something, it’s only 8 PM. I feel lucky I don’t have to be there now when they’re dancing. But I also think I managed fairly well those four hours I’ve been there and had my anxiety under control despite it was strong.
OK, so sleep well guys, if it’s sleep time for you as well, or if not I hope you’re having a nice day. πŸ™‚

No sleep last night.

I didn’t get any sleep at all last night. It sucks. I was very anxious and jittery for some not very speciffied reason and I think that was what kept me up mainly. I’m used to such things and it wouldn’t be a big problem for me if not that party we’re having today. As I wrote a few days before it’s my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary today and they will have a very big party with 48 people, with a big dinner and dancing. It makes me very anxious, plus honestly I just don’t feel like going there and if it weren’t my maternal grandparents I’d probably find some excuse, parties are deadly boring. And so much stuff about them makes me horribly anxious. All the people I don’t know, yes they’re my family, but I don’t know many of those who’ll be there, many are distant family. I feel sick in the crowds and any sort of noisy areas. I genuinely hate dancing, particularly with people I don’t know that well. I don’t think I’ll be dancing a lot but still I don’t like it. I hate eating in a big group of people. And it will be a completely unfamiliar area for me because they’re making it in a restaurant. Also before we go there, we’ll be going to the church that is my grandparents’ church that they go to, that we previously belonged to before we moved here. I like going to my grandparents usually but what always scares me about it and often makes me avoid it is… the road. It often happens that riding is a bit hard for me because of my labyrinthum issues. I get dizzy very easily while riding, which in turn makes my anxiety stronger, so sometimes getting places may be a little bit exhausting. It’s a bit like motion sickness, but not quite the same, it’s a bit hard for me to describe the exact sensation and how it feels, it’s a bit weird thing to feel and not pleasant at all, sometimes shitty to deal with. Usually it’s hard but manageable as I mostly got used to it, but ugh, the road to my grandparents’… there are a lot of potholes on the way to their house – they live in the village and this road goes through the forest and is absolutely horrid, everyone complains about it, not just me. Therefore I really hate going to them because it’s exhausting to go through that shit back and forth. And to go to their church you also need to drive the same road. I always sit on the front seat when we go to them but even then it’s always quite a nasty trip and I’m light-headed for quite a while afterwards. It generally really pisses me off because there doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it, so I generally try to ignore it, but it always makes me very anxious.

And that all with lacking sleep on top, ugh. I find it hard to manage anxiety with no sleep, and today seems to be a lot of anxiety at once. I am going to take my extra anti-anxiety pill and hope for the best, that seems to be all I can do at the moment. I’ll try to enjoy it and have the anxiety under control as much as possible, and I hope being around so many people at once won’t make my mood slip down again. Paradoxically, i often feel much more lonely among people, which in my opinion is actually far worse than feeling lonely while on your own, and this feeling often causes my mood to drop and I feel overwhelmed. I really hope that won’t be the case today. After all there will also be many people I quite like, so I hope I’ll be able to find it even just a little enjoyable.

Mum knows I hate dancing parties and crowds and she says maybe someone will be able to give me a lift earlier. She said she’d like to drop me home herself but she is one of the main organisers so she has to be there and she doesn’t think she’d be able to leave for a while. I suppose though that my grandad may need to leave earlier, he may like family gatherings but he’s almost as much of an introvert as me and as far as I know him he usually needs at least a little break from the people. I hope someone will be so nice for me because it is supposed to last until 3 AM, so really quite long I think, I don’t think many people would stay that long. I think Zofijka will also leave much earlier so we’ll probably go together, she usually goes to sleep around 10 PM.

By the way Zofijka’s coming back from the swimming camp today. She’s on the way home now. I’m curious what she’ll have to say about it.

So yeah, a bit of a rough day today for me, but it’s just one day and I hope it passes soon without too much shit.

Disappear.

Oftentimes, I feel the need to just disappear. Even just for a while. Just so that I can have time to set my messy brain in order, and start to function properly, or at least as well as I can, again, to recharge.

When I was living away from home at the boarding school for years, the only place I could go to to have a guarantee I’ll be absolutely alone was… the restroom. Sometimes I was just going there to calm down the chaos of my mind, or just to be alone for a while, but often I did it if I wanted to talk to someone on the phone privately. Of course, I could just wait until there will be a moment when there will be no one else in my bedroom than me, but it was a rare occasion and usually then, I was out too, or was busy, plus, when you really need to talk to someone, you need it just now. So, yeah, usually, when I talked to my Mum, or anyone else from my family, or my therapist, I did it in the loo. I hated it, because the sound echoed there so much and the privacy was minimal because anyone could hear you if they only wanted or if there was quieter outside for a while. But still you had more space than usually in our bedrooms, where there were at least three people living together if not more. Needless to say lots of people often wondered or even asked me what I do so often and for so long in the loo, but I didn’t care and if it was necessary, I was happy to satisfy them with some convincing enough excuses. Later on, I’ve found some other hideouts for myself, where I could just disapear, and feel better afterwards, or just demonstrate my rebellion or frustration by escaping there. I found LD and OOBE very entertaining. And some time later I started to use Doses (sound drugs). I was living half in my own world, made entirely of dreams, imaginings and hallucinations. I loved it there. Only that as it showed later on, there was also a much darker side to that beautiful world, which I tried to ignore. Without going into ethical stuff, as I talked a bit about it before, I can just say it messed up with my brain a little in a longer perspective.

When I got outa there, I was awfully depressed all the time, well I was before too, obviously, but when I got home I fuly realised it because before it happened, I simply didn’t have time to be depressed and I just had to live on. So when I got home and my depression set free, so to say, after so many years of being well hidden, it just struck me with its intensivity. And it was hard to cope with it. So again, I wanted to disappear, hide, run away from my freaky brain. And what I mostly did back then was sleep. Even my sleep paralysis nightmares were sometimes better than my depressed reality.

Now as I got relatively better, I still need to disappear at times. Not only when I’m depressed, but just to stay healthy and recharge my brain from time to time. Well actually I need it quite often, particularly after a lot of stuff happening or a lot of social interactions, doesn’t matter whether good or bad. Then I disappear into another world I’ve created for myself. I don’t always need to be long in there to feel better. Sometimes I just lay down with Misha, very close to him, and listen to all the sounds inside of him, cuddle into his silky fur, feel his little, warm and springy body under my hands. That feels very grounding and soothing. Other times I’ll lock my room, put the headphones on and flow away to Dreamland, a world constructed entirely of my favourite music, and my daydreams. Sometimes I just listen to the music and let my thoughts flow freely, sometimes I only focus on the music and other sensory stuff around me if I want to ground more, sometimes though I go deep into my dreams. I dream about very different things. From those very simple ones to some completely out of my reach, to very exciting ones, to ones that are actually fantastic. Sometimes I dream about stuff I really would like to happen some day, and sometimes about things that I’d rather prefer to stay in Dreamland, so that I can go away from them or come back to them whenever I want. daydreaming feels frustrating sometimes, if you feel like you’ll just never ever be able to make come true any of your dreams, you aren’t even sure if you want it, but most of the time, it feels gorgeous. As Enya sings: “Dreams are more precious than gold” so why not to cherish them? You can always emeerge from the waters of Dreamland if you want to, but you know it’s still there and you can float back there if you only want. And sometimes I listen to music and write something, be it my diary, a blog post, a short story, or just my lose thoughts. And then, I’m able to handle things more effectively. As there are no devices that would be a perpetum mobile, same applies to people. Everyone needs to recharge, and as it is with all kinds of devices, we also vary from each oter and so different rechargers fit us. πŸ˜€

Another time when I want to disapear, and that’s a rather common thing for all of us I guess, is when something triggers my anxiety suddenly. Be it social situations, crowds, some sounds, or speciffic things that always make me anxious and almost or completely freak out. Like yesterday. Since a few days, there was something stinking awfully on our backyard. We had a doghouse on our backyard, although we don’t have a dog nowadays, but the doghouse is still there just in case. And the smell seemed to come from there. Yesterday my Dad was doing stuff around the backyard and finally he just went there to see what it is stinking so horribly. It was just like a carrion smell. So he came closer and here’s what he saw – a dead cat lied wrapped in the cover that previously was our poor dog’s, Bobby’s. My Dad removed it and ran into the house. At the same time I was going downstairs to the kitchen, I wanted to pour myself a glass of orange juice that my Mum made. And I heard him falling in like a storm. I only managed to ask what’s up and then I heard some very scary and disquieting sounds from the bathroom. He was throwing up. I can imagine now how disgusting that view had to be. I wanted to disapear! Run away! Into the kitchen, back to my room, wherever. Wanted to scream so loud that I wouldn’t hear him doing it. But I just froze. And that was the worst thing I could do. I just couldn’t move. Just stood there on the stairs not able to do anything. I could only move when he was done with it. But luckily he was OK afterwards and it was just a single incident.

Are there times when you want to disappear? Do you do it then? Where do you go? What do you do there? πŸ™‚