Today, on her blog, Carol Anne of
asked the following question: “If you could pick one characteristic to change about yourself, what would it be?”.
Well, since I have AVPD my Monkey Maggie the Inner Critic is very active most of the time, coming up with lots of things about myself that I should change, so for her it definitely feels like almost everything, I can hear her snorting and saying that. 😀 So it seems like the best change for me would be to get rid of her. But that’s probably not possible by now, although I’m trying to control her, with varying results, and I guess it actually is necessary to have an inner critic, just maybe not so overactive.
But, more realistically, one thing I can think of immediately is to be less anxious, or not as easily, or not about so many things. ‘Cause being constantly anxious to some degree can be pretty exhausting obviously. And somehow limitating at times too.
So, that’s my answer, and one thing I can come up with.
What would you change in yourself. Let me, or Carol Anne, know. 🙂
What are you remembering?
Recently lots of things have been reminding me about one of my close friends, with whom I am no longer in touch with, and it’s kind of bittersweet I’d say. I am thinking a lot about him recently somehow and it is both very nice and hurts at the same time ’cause I’ve been missing him a lot. Also, I had a bad dream last night, not like a full blown nightmare or sleep paralysis, but just not a pleasant dream, nothing more, and it involved some school stuff. I had to be up very early today, and that fact, of being up so early, and having that bad dream, it together reminded me that oh wow, today a year has passed since my finals. And, ugh, I’m so glad all that havoc is over. Both with the preparations and the finals. Last year was so devastating for me because of that, and then the finals themselves were absolutely scary for me, or rather accompanying events, not the actual finals, I guess that was kind of traumatising, or re-traumatising maybe I should say, I don’t know, that’s what my Mum says too. Grrrr scary! And then my Mum reminded me of that horror again. So glad it’s over and I don’t have to see those people from there anymore. I’m having a good day generally today, but my Monkey Maggie the Inner Critic is very active today and wants to constantly remind me that what happened then was only because of me, and, well, I guess at this point I’m no longer sure of anything. As if I ever was. 😀 It’s hard to stay rational when dealing with her really.
What are YOU remembering? 🙂
What is the most backhanded “compliment” anyone has ever given you?
This is an incredibly hard question for me, so that I’m not even sure I’ll be able to give you a concrete and unequivocal answer. I’ve always had a huge issue with compliments and that was one of those many things that have finally led me to the conclusion I may really have AVPD. As most people, I’ve received quite a lot of compliments on different things, and usually was happy about it ’cause well who doesn’t like when they appreciate you/what you did. But usually it has always been so that the more something matters to me, the more I want this compliment someone told me to be true, the more I feel like it isn’t. My inner critic is driven crazy and – sometimes very loudly and emphatically, sometimes in a low and sarcastic voice, somewhere in the background, deep down in my mind – desperately tries to convince me that they said it just to said something, or because they’re nice, or because they maybe would tell it to anyone in the same situation, or maybe just because they don’t know the truth and think what they said is true, or insert any other excuse here. But what I hate the most is when my mind tries to convince me that what they told me was just ambiguous and sarcastic and what they really meant is simply the opposite of what they said. While I generally like sarcasm and using it and sarcastic conversations with some people and, at least while with others, I think I have quite a lot of distance to myself and to everything and the ability to laugh off actually anything, I hate it when I get this feeling that it is just sure that they’re sarcastic. And it is not only about compliments, but pretty much about anything nice/positive that other people tell me. Of course, needless to say, rationally I know it is just a distortion and probably their intentions were good and clear, but my fantastic fascinating freaky fuckin brain is never able to get it fully, as it is usually with such things. I hate it also for another reason, because it makes me think in a bad way about other people and makes me in some way judgmental, even though I don’t let my thoughts and assumptions influence my relationships with other people or my attitude towards them unless I can have really strong rational evidence that something goes wrong indeed.
So yeah, I’m not going to tell you about the most backhanded compliment I’ve ever get, because according to my mind I guess around 95% of all the compliments I’ve got should be classified as backhanded and I don’t think that right now I’d be able to look at it objectively. Don’t know how much sense it makes for other people, the more that you guys are actually the first people I’ve ever told about it so I’ve never actually expressed it before, but that’s more or less how it feels for me.
What is such “compliment” in your case? 🙂