If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Hey all you lovely people!

The

Weekend Coffee Share

link-up at Eclectic Alli’s is still lasting, so I’m happy to join in this week!

Let’s have some coffee, or anything else you’d like to drink, and maybe a snack to go with it.

It’s my Mum’s birthday, as well as Olek’s, and I’d love to share some cake with you, because it was super yummy, but, sadly, just a little while ago, the rest of it that hadn’t still got eaten, died a tragical death – Mum broke the plate with it, so the remaining cake was full of small pieces of glass. I was lucky because I got to eat the last edible piece only minutes before the accident! πŸ˜€ But I have tea, orange juice, Pepsi, and there still is a cake from bakery, but, although I haven’t had it, I’m sure it isn’t as good at my Mum’s was. And of course you can bring a drink or food of your own and have it, and share with other people if you want, as always.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’ve been doing… πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that last week was quite eventful. Last Monday my family – that is my parents and Sofi – had a car accident. That was of course very shocking for everyone. Mum picked up Zofijka from her tennis class, as well as two of her friends, and they were going to head home when Dad called Mum to pick him up from work. She was reluctant to do that because that time around he was quite far away and she didn’t feel okay driving that far with all those kids and would prefer to drop at least Sofi’s friends to their homes, but there was no time. When they were on their way back home, there was a crossing in our town that Mum is always kind of apprehensive of, and while she was driving through it, they got hit by some young guy who was driving just crazily fast. I don’t know how it exactly looked like but anyway apparently it was only some immense, miraculous luck, that neither my Dad, nor one of Sofi’s friends, didn’t get killed or badly hurt. At the time, I was in my room, downloading some books, and having a yucky headache and was planning that as soon as I get done with it I’ll go to bed. As I thought that, my phone rang and I heard sobbing Sofi, who was standing outside and wanted me to let her in, because she didn’t have the key. Obviously that alarmed me immediately because I knew Mum has left to pick her up, and I asked her if there was something wrong, and she said yes, so I went downstairs quickly to let her in, and then I couldn’t believe what she was saying for quite some time. Mum had to stay there and wait for the police, but a couple who witnessed the whole thing helped her and her friends get back home. Apparently that young boy was just 18 and only had his driver’s licence for about half a year, and was jittery and really scared when that happened, and Sofi heard him saying that he’ll kill himself. I really hope he didn’t, or won’t. Mum’s car is a total wreck and we don’t know yet if it can be fixed at all. But thankfully nothing happened to anyone, other than shock, but we all managed to pick ourselves up after that pretty quickly. The first thing that I thought of when it finally sank in for me what Sofi was saying was that Mum must be devastated. She’s seen many accidents and whenever she sees anything like that, even less serious, she always cries, so I was sure she must be in quite a state emotionally. Turns out she was really brave this time and very cool-headed and didn’t cry at all, and was very surprised at that herself.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m just going through some sort of an occupational medicine saga. I had my OM check-up two weeks ago like every 2 years, and during it, it came up that on the decision of the institution which granted me disability benefits, it’s stated that I am “completely unfit for work”. That alarmed my OM doctor who said that, although he knows that I’ve been working for 4-5 years already and am able to do it despite my disability, it needs to be clarified, because someone might have a problem with that later on, for example if I change OM doctors or something, and I may not be allowed to work. So he referred me to the Occupational Medicine Centre to clear it and asked them to interpret that particular statement. From then on, I’ve been going back and forth between my OM doctor and the OM centre and it’s getting really unpleasant. In the meantime, me and my Mum asked the institution from which I get my disability benefits, which is called Social Insurances Association or something like this in Poland, and they told us that this statement “completely unfit for work” is something that a competent OM doctor should be familiar with and not make so much fuss around it, because they always write it when someone is on social benefits because of disability, and it means that you can only work in a position that’s adjusted to your needs. Of course it’s official jargon, and this statement is weird – an average person with not much knowledge in those matters wouldn’t think that “completely unfit for work” would mean anything else than “completely unfit for work”, but since this jargon is specific for the field, and he is an OM doctor, it seems very incompetent andΒ  no professional indeed that he doesn’t know such things and takes it literally. – My OM doctor is also a dermatologist, and it seems like he doesn’t really manage juggling those two specialisations at the same time, especially that one year when I visited him, he told me that he’s “probably the best dermatologist in the county”, so I suppose he focuses so much on being such a great dermatologist that he doesn’t have enough time on being a decent OM doctor and have the minimum knowledge. I came back to him after that, explaining to him what I’ve learnt, but he still insists on interpreting it just for him by someone from the OM Centre. It seems like, because he doesn’t know the rules and procedures and the basic terms used in his field of work, he is afraid to renew his decision that I can still work, because what if someone will say that I can’t and then he’ll have to bear the consequences. Instead of researching the topic himself or asking someone more knowledgeable, he wants me to do the job for him and interpret stuff that’s obvious for anyone who has some basic idea about how benefits work here. I’ll do that because as it seems right now I don’t have a better option, but then I think I’ll say goodbye to the best dermatologist in the county and find myself some other OM doctor. Sadly, this guy’s name is Jacek. I think he could be nice as a person, even if a bit too cocky, but even when your name is Jacek, it doesn’t immediately make you great at everything as it seems. πŸ˜€ Not that I didn’t know previously that Jaceks do have their weaknesses too, like all other people.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m fighting for and stressing over some of my speech synths that I’ve lost. I don’t know if I’ve told you that or not, but in that whole wave of tech issues and computer transition I’d had, I’ve lost ALL of my licences for those voices and the accompanying app. I won’t get into the details of how it happened, but to put it shortly, you get those speech synthesisers in the app on a USB stick, and that stick comes with 3 licences that enable you to install it locally. You can have one licence on one computer and of course you can remove it from it and transfer it back on to it as you wish. Except for when you have some unpredictable system crash that requires some major repairs and digging inside of it, drive replacement, etc. Then, even if you still have the same computer, the same system and haven’t removed the licence and uninstalled the app, your licence is still there but you are unable to use it, and neither can you remove it. And because usually we are not able to predict when our computers will crash, and also because I wasn’t aware of that, I gradually lost all of my licences because of some major changes on my computers and am stuck in a dead poind with them. So I had to contact the producer, they weren’t responding for a good few weeks so finally I decided to call them, which my Mum was persuading me to do for a long time and saying that I should do that in the first place. That cost me a lot as you can imagine if you know me at least a bit, but I was just like there’s no way I’m going to lose them permanently, I have to get them to do something. So I explained in Swenglish to the girl who answered my call (I called their Swedish quarters) what happened and what I want from them, but our communication was very poor because we couldn’t hear each other very well for some reason and besides she seemed quite clueless and the only thing she could do was to collect the info on the problem for me and she said she’d pass it on to other people and when they’ll know something, they’ll call me back. No one did for over a week, so I was thinking I’ll have to start flooding them with emails, but luckily before I started out with that, I got a response to my email. I now have 3 new licences from them that I can use, but to keep things interesting, I cannot, because for some reason a licence won’t transfer on to my computer. So the guy from that company will have to do something with it remotely. That makes me quite anxious and I’m not sure why. I mean the thing has been very stressful for me since the beginning but since that has become a real possibility I’m stressing about it much more. Am I such a privacy freak, or am I anxious of what the problem might be because it looks serious and that something will go wrong and because I have little experience with getting remote assistance, or am I scared of the interacting, probably a fair bit of it, that I’ll have to do with him, or what, no idea!

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, while my anxiety has been pretty high for a long time now and hasn’t come down to what I perceive my baseline level in months, and now has actually gotten higher recently because as you can see things have been chaotic, the good news is that my depressive symptoms, including anhedonia, have alleviated a bit, and I have more energy for things, yay! I still don’t have a faza which stinks like a skunk, and it’s still far from my “normal”, but it’s better, so let’s hope this will continue! It certainly makes life that bit easier, and makes you feel a bit less like you have to fake everything you’re supposed to feel all the time, or less shitty about yourself when you are not able to fake. Concerning fazas and continuing what I wrote about in

this post

, if I ever thought that Jack Vallier was going to be my next crush, now I know he definitely won’t! Sofi took him over from me! Despite she doesn’t like “guys with earrings”. πŸ˜€ Yesterday we were sitting in the kitchen – us and Mum – and she was listening to the music, and then she played one of Jack’s songs and said: “Mum, guess who it is, this guy who’s singing?”. Of course Mum didn’t know. “It’s Jack V… I don’t know, but he’s Jack, he was going to be Emi’s crush but he’s too normal for her. So I’m taking him over. He looks awful but I love his music so much”. 🀣 Then I heard her talking to Dad, asking him if it’s possible that she/we could go to London this summer, because she’s read somewhere that her crush is going to have a concert there. Of course Dad didn’t agree. I don’t mind Sofi taking Jack over because as I said I didn’t think I would be able to get a faza on someone so normal anyway, and he’s more Sofi’s style, I mean his music is, and I know that for her, crush is something different than for me and we both understand it differently. It probably won’t even last very long for her. However if I did have a faza on Jack that would be really unfortunate, because I can’t imagine sharing my faza objects with Sofi hahaha.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that me and Olek collectively bought Mum a new phone for her birthday, a Samsung Galaxy, though obviously I don’t remember which one exactly. It was Olek’s idea. I thought it was cool but also was a bit apprehensive of it, my Mum had always had LG phones and liked them, so I wasn’t sure if she’d like it. Of course she now has to get used to it, which always takes some time, but so far I guess she feels positive about it which I’m glad about.

What would YOU tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

The weekend is over, but Weekend Coffee Share at

Eclectic Alli’s

is still open so I thought I’d take part and have a coffee with you guys.

As you know, I don’t really drink coffee now since quite a few months as I discovered it doesn’t agree with my brain, except for some very special occasions, but you can have it, or you can help yourself to some tea, I have a lot of different teas, as well as orange juice, Pepsi, milk, water, or you can take your own drink with you and share it with others as well if you want. For those who – like me – love coffee but don’t drink it, I can offer you some Kopiko candy – Kopiko are Indonesian coffee-flavoured sweets that actually contain caffeine, but not enough to send your brain to Freakland, unless you eat really many, and they do taste like coffee, unlike so many -flavoured things which are not particularly convincing. I also have some chocolate that I can share with you guys (oh, and we have hot chocolate and cocoa as well if you wish), and also I have hazelnuts in chocolate. My Mum is really awesome, because Christmas is over but she made Christmas pierogi for us again. Well, after all Christmas period is actually still lasting until Sunday. Anyway, if you’d like to try them, feel free to do so. I hope everyone is sitting comfortably and has something yummy to drink, and eat if you want. I’ve just had a glass of orange juice and now I’m sucking a Kopiko.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you are doing…? πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that it’s been quite a tough week for me. I am struggling with a lot of anxiety lately, and my anhedonia has been increasing slowly but steadily since a few months and these days it’s more noticeable for me. It feels strange because, while I’ve been familiar with feeling depressed and struggling with depression and depressive thoughts since forever, I don’t have as much experience with anhedonia. I’m kind of scared that it’ll stay with me, and I’m pretty sure it will if I don’t find myself a faza/crush very soon. Probably the whole transition process to my new computer and having to get used to it doesn’t help as changes hardly help me to feel better. I’m hoping it’s temporary. I’ve also had quite a bit of socialising to do this week.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that there was a bit of a party in our house on Monday. My uncle and his family came. I think I like him the most out of my Mum’s siblings because he’s quite laid back and often looks sort of different at things than the majority of mediocre people, and is funny, although he’s also very noisy and drawing lots of attention to himself, and goodness they all were making soo much noise that I managed to spend only a little while with them and then me and Misha escaped to my room! πŸ˜€ They were all partying until like 2 AM, which is longer than my family usually does, haha, especially that there were children too.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that we were visiting all my grandparents last Tuesday, because it was Grandma’s Day, and on Wednesday Grandad’s Day. We couldn’t really break it down somehow because on Grandad’s Day, we were having other plans. So there was a lot of riding around and sitting behind the tables and socialising and eating and that, and I wasn’t really doing well as my blood pressure was very low and my mood definitely not up to socialising, but I was trying my best. Sofi was in an even worse situation, because she had a headache all day long after not a very good night’s sleep and the party, and you know how awful it is to have a headache while having to travel or visit other people, I really felt for her.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that we had a priest’s visit on Wednesday. I don’t think it’s a thing in Catholic parishes in other countries but here it definitely is. It’s like, during the whole period after Christmas, that is until February 2nd, priests visit all houses in their parishes to consecrate them and pray with people, also talk a little bit, get to know the family a little etc. It’s a very short visit, maybe 15 minutes, but, in our case, usually the waiting for it is sooooo long and daunting. They usually start on the neighbouring street to us, go through it, and then along our street but from the opposite end towards where we live. So the visits start, say, at 4 PM, but ours take place at 8 PM or so. And there’s no communication between the houses really and you have to be prepared because you don’t really know how long it will take this time. This year was a pleasant surprise though, because we were one of the first who were visited on our street, so we didn’t have to sit in the living room the whole afternoon and get bored and frustrated. It went very quickly and we were free. Although such events usually stress me a bit, it’s usually quite awkward if I’m honest, no one really knows what to talk about, so it’s good that we have Zofijka.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I got another computer related scare on Friday. My antivirus informed me that I got some malware and that apparently it was a Trojan, which freaked me out mostly because I’d never had a major infection of a computer before, but also because as I said I’m still not fully used to it. Also I was very suspicious because this computer is still very new, and I had no idea how I could get it, because I haven’t really got to using anything else on it other than the apps I’ve always been using for ages, and same about websites. My antivirus “cured” the thing and then I made a full scan and now there seem to be no dangers, and I haven’t seen any weird behaviours of my computer or any issues that coould be down to a virus or stuff, so I believe it’s okay, and Olek actually says it probably was a false alarm and my antivirus must be just very hypervigilant, although I have no idea if that’s really possible. Anyway, it certainly didn’t help my anxiety as you can imagine.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that yesterday was my grandpa’s 16th death anniversary, and because of that, on Saturday we went to the Mass for him and after that, we had another family gathering, that was for some reason even more difficult for me to go through although I’m not sure why. Perhaps just because I don’t get along with my gran and the whole Dad’s side of family, or perhaps because of all the anxiety bubbling in my brain. Anyway, it was very difficult for me and there was a lot of food. I always find it more or less difficult to eat among many people or people I don’t know, but on the other hand I feel like it’s awful not to ever do it because someone may just feel offended or something, and it’s awkward when everyone else is eating. But this time round it was really difficult for me to eat anything at all. I caught up on that though when we got back home and I devoured a whole packet of crisps right away. It’s funny how much stress can impact you. For me it’s always like this. When I feel very stressed, I virtually can’t eat, but then when it passes away, I become ravenously hungry. πŸ˜€

I think that would be all from me for now in this coffee share. It’s not much, because I wrote a sort of smaller update post not long ago, and also because apart from some chaos in my brain and what I’ve already told you about, right now not much is happening.

Oh, Misha’s birthday is coming on Thursday! Hope things will be looking a bit better by then, although on the other hand I don’t suppose they will.

What would YOU tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

A mid-week coffee and everything else share.

I wanted to do a Weekend Coffee Share post this past weekend (finally), but didn’t end up doing it, of course. I planned to do it on Sunday but had a terrible headache for pretty much all day and didn’t feel like writing anything overly complicated. And, actually, I’m not even sure what I’m going to write about because there’s not that very much going on, or I can’t write about everything that is publicly. So we’ll see where this coffee and tea and everything else share will take us. I hope you’ll join in.

Get yourself a mug or a glass of something delicious to drink, maybe a snack or a meal and let’s get started. I’m just going to drink water because that’s what I feel like drinking right now, and I’ve actually just had supper. But if water doesn’t feel sophisticated enough we can pretend it’s champagne because my water bottle is glass and, according to my Dad, looks very much like a champagne. πŸ˜€ You can have some of my Mum’s chicken and pasta casserole or bring something to the party yourself. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…?

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am getting more and more excited and thrilled about my project of My Inner Mishmash Readership Award. The official announcement of the winners is going to take place on November 26 (I would like it so anyway) the day when the awards will be sent out to people. I tell everyone that it’s the first year in a long time that I’m excited about Christmas time and can’t wait for it, hahaha. I’d like to make this award my yearly, Christmas tradition, unless the winners will be exactly the same every year. But it’s also quite stressful. I’m not preparing it on my own, my Mum helps me a whole lot obviously and I depend on other people too to prepare some things, so I’m quite stressed out and desperately praying that it’ll be all ready on time, and rushing my Mum all the time because we haven’t even got the half of it done yet. My Mum takes it very slowly with such things, and is often late, so I’m glad I’ve started it out in late September, and if it gets very hectic I might get to it even earlier next year, just in case. But anyway it’s gonna be lots of fun I think, and I hope my winners will feel appreciated and I’ll make them happy.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that our dog, Jocky, who is 1-and-something-year-old, has been fixed last week. He looks so poorly. It was necessary because there is an awful, old bitch in the neighbourhood who seems to appeal to all the dogs in the area and attracts them with an unbelievable strength. We didn’t want him to go there, and not letting him go was so awful because he would howl all nights and seemed so unhappy. Now he just seems miserable, and the whole experience of getting Jocky fixed was very unpleasant and unsettling for Zofijka, but I believe it’s all temporary.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I had a Zombie day on Wednesday. My horse riding instructor offered me that I could go riding that day but I said no, because it just didn’t seem right to ride on a Zombie day. I feel dizzy and floaty on a Zombie day and so my balance on horseback would be even worse, and that would only make me more anxious. Also, well, it requires a good deal of focus for me to ride and do all those exercises that I do, and to do them well, so I would just feel disappointed with myself, and obviously you never have enough energy after a sleepless night. I went riding only once during a Zombie day, and got a massive panic attack and couldn’t recover for ages, and I don’t normally get panic attack as my anxiety is more of a chronic and generalised kind. Anyway, I didn’t go and had a very lazy, hazy and crazy, lousy and drowsy day at home, but it was one of such things that no matter what I would do, I would regret it, so all day I was like “Oh no, why didn’t I go riding? What a pity I couldn’t go riding. Maybe I should go riding? Why did I miss my riding this week?”. Especially that, as you may remember from my post about Zombie days, I struggle a lot with decision making on such days. By the evening I was absolutely exhausted but, already in bed, I tuned in to BBC Radio Cymru and realised with a thrill that this was the day on which the BBC Radio 2 Folk Awards ceremony was about to happen, and my current music crush –
Gwilym Bowen Rhys – was one of the nominees for the Folk Singer of the Year Award. So I switched to BBC 2 and, instead of going to sleep as a proper Zombie should at 9 PM, if not much earlier, I listened to the ceremony, and enjoyed it a lot because there were other people too that were either nominated or won some awards, whom I knew and liked. A bit sadly, Gwilym didn’t win, but oh well, I think he has a chance to do so in the future if he’s been already nominated this year. The next day, my instructor said she could fit me in as well, but I decided not to go again, I just didn’t feel quite well mentally, just not in the mood whatsoever.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you that, thankfully, last week my instructor was flexible and could also fit me in on Friday, which I did accept and went riding, as I felt much less shitty. Still not very well but I thought I could manage it and I don’t like having too long breaks because then it’s just harder and I feel more anxious and unsettled beforehand, and it’s just a pity when I have to miss a whole week, and, because my instructor is very busy, it does happen a lot of the time. I was very anxious beforehand despite I still take my medication before riding to feel a bit more at ease. It took me a long time to relax, the more that we decided to go to the forest and ride there. I hadn’t been riding in the forest for about two years! And I had to sort of get used to it again. To the different ground and landforms and it just took me a while to feel more confident. I generally love to ride in the woods far more than just in the hall where you go round and round all the time but this time it was a bit more stressful than enjoyable. I just hope next time, whenever it’ll be, will be better. It was Rudy’s 20th birthday (60 or 60-something in human years) so he’s got lots of carrots afterwards. But before we finished, we came back to the hall for a while, and I did quite a few circles of both sitting trot and rising to the trot and some balance exercises, and riding sidesaddle – like ladies used to in the olden days. – We have no sidesaddle as such in the stud but I was just riding as if I was in a sidesaddle, in such a position. It is also a very good (and very scary) balance exercise. Previously I was able to do only one circle of it and was all dizzy afterwards, but this time I dared to do a few circles, though still with my instructor’s assistance. I am hoping I’ll soon get better at it and it’ll be less scary haha, and then maybe will also be able to try riding backwards again. I used to once but could only manage a few steps and it scared the shit out of my brain. πŸ˜€ But yeah, overall I enjoyed it a lot. Rudy’s hair is very thick now though, for the winter, so he was completely worn out and sweaty when we finished. I just have to remember to take my allergy meds before the riding, and not after, haha, so I can be more efficient and have my airways clear. My horse allergy is not strong but it really is a pain in the neck, especially if you forget your meds. πŸ˜€ I won’t be able to ride this week because my instructor is very busy.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I had an awful day on Sunday. I had lots of nightmares and woke up with my head throbbing like hell, and couldn’t get out of bed, so I didn’t until afternoon. A very lousy Bibiel I was! Zofijka fell down and got a mild concussion which scared her, but then she said that after all she doesn’t use her brain anyway, so she doesn’t care if some of it has spilled out. How honest! πŸ˜€ My headache went away in the evening but I was still anxious and just blah. My parents had their acquaintances come over in the evening and had a little but very loud dancing party, which really annoyed Zofijka, who was tired and her head was hurting after the fall, and all the noise didn’t let her fall asleep. Thankfully, her brain seems to feel better now.
What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

If We Were Having Coffee… a midweek coffee share.

Anyone up for a cuppa coffee at 9 PM? Or probably it will be even later by the time I finish this post. But perhaps it’s earlier where you are so if you want a coffee, grab a cup of it and join in. Or drink whatever you feel like. I can offer you a coffee, or an iced coffee, green tea, black tea, some herbal teas, or raspberry tea, kefir, Pepsi, or water. Or you can bring something yourself so that it’ll be more diverse.

I have a lot of snacks this time that I can share with you, I’ve made a big big shopping last week, thinking I’ll be alone for a week so will need a lot of yummy stuff to munch on. A lot of sweets, like biscuits, chocolate, some hard candy, gummybears, lots of stuff that it’ll probably take me weeks or months to deal with myself so I’ll need people to help me out! But you can still bring in your own food. We don’t have much serious food here right now, no yummy dishes or anything like that, as Mum is the one who cooks those and she’s just come back from my uncle’s funeral, but I’ve also stocked the house with instant soups, pasta sauces and all sorts of cereal and yoghurts and such.

I won’t be eating anything this time, actually I only ate a little today, a late breakfast and some cookies with Zofijka, I feel kinda weird physically and don’t even have an idea why, I’m tired and a bit nauseous and lousy and I felt like not doing this coffee share today, but I need to catch up with you and tell you about an idea I had, so I don’t want to delay it all the time.

So, grab something you feel like drinking and eating, find yourself a cosy and comfy place to sit, and let’s start our coffee share properly.

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how are you doing and how has the last week and this week so far been for you?… πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I was on a very unexpected trip to Masuria last week. my Dad just got kind of a suden idea that he’d like to go to Masuria because he’s on holidays for over two weeks now. Masuria is a sort of go-to, traditional place for some longer holidays for us. My Mum has family there, and my Dad is very much into WWII stuff so there’s a lot to explore for him. The food is heavenly there, and so are the views and just the general atmosphere. We didn’t have much time to spend there, as they were supposed to go on another trip with my Mum’s family to the Bieszczady mountains, so we left on… Thursday, I guess, and were meant to go back home on Saturday if not earlier. We didn’t do much there though, because the plans regarding their other trip were changing constantly, and my Dad got cross about it, so in the end we were home on Friday early evening. Still, I mostly liked the trip, despite my Dad’s constant irritability getting on my nerves and my own moods shifting quite a bit which was difficult to contain but I think I succeeded at it very much. It helped me to sort of get away from my anxieties, clear my mind a little, and, while the depression was still echoing somewhere in the background, my anxiety and rumination had significantly lessened while I was away, which was actually surprising, normally I’m one big nervous wreck when travelling for longer than a day and sleeping in a stranger place and all.

We went to one small town called MikoΕ‚ajki and were just wandering aimlessly around it, I bought myself a cat figurine made of porcelain, it’s blue, as in the Russian blue Misha. πŸ˜€ Oh yeah and I mised Misha terribly! I guess I’ll always have that messed up in my brain, when longing for someone, it feels like I’m never going to see them anymore or will have to lose them again very soon, it feels much more of a loss than it is, no matter what I tell myself, no matter that I know I’ll see Misha in 2 days, which is ridiculously short, it’s so stupid and shitty, I hate it. My Dad really wanted to take a ship there, around the lake in MikoΕ‚ajki, but I flat out refused because it was very windy and I was afraid my vestibular system won’t cooperate, so he was enraged, but couldn’t have any discussion with me. The next day Mum wanted to go somewhere by ship, and it wasn’t that windy so I gritted my teeth and said OK, but to my surprise Dad said we don’t have to and he doesn’t want to force me. Not quite like him, but while I would deal with that, after all we’ve sailed to Sweden and such and I dealt with it, I was happy I didn’t have to go through it again without a sound reason. πŸ˜€

After we’ve seen almost the entire MikoΕ‚ajki, we went to EΕ‚k where we very supposed to sleep, but my Dad – always planning ahead and even a bit stiff – went all wild and spontaneous this time and hadn’t booked us a place anywhere. He doesn’t have a debit/credit card, I left mine at home and Mum was almost skint so couldn’t pay for us, while all the online booking stuff only accepts cards obviously. So he was all raging, until we finally found a hotel that he could plain phone and pay them directly with cash. πŸ˜€ I was starting to think that we might end up going back home at night, so fumin he was.

I had really weird, like really weird and rather creepy dreams, some in a cool creepy way and very creative, one was gloomy-creepy and even more odd, and involved me having ECT. Only that if ECT really looked like that… it was even worse than in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”. I don’t know what I had that for, was it depression or whatever, I just know I was seeing a very authoritarian doctor there who said something is definitely very wrong with my brain and I need ECT to get it working properly, he was the kind of person who knows everything about you before you even get a chance to say anything. It was a really gloomy and awfully depressing hospital, I felt sick just being there, and I guess it was quite a long distance from my home, because when he announced to me that I’d have to come there I guess every month me and my Mum were very unsatisfied. He first wanted me to sit there and wait for my turn while there were like a dozen of odd, metal beds with people on them, who had all something wrong with their brains, they had some stuff connected to their brains, I don’t know, wires or electrodes or whatever it was, something was beeping all the time like in a trashy medical thriller movie, the doctors were doing something to their brains, like manipulating with them with their hands, they were bound to their beds, and they had awful, like horrible, horrifying seizures, it looked gross, heart-wrenching and creepy and their dignity was taken away from them. I guess they weren’t unconscious but in some altered state of consciousness. And then I had all that stuff too, only that I didn’t have the seizures, instead I felt awful and woke up with no memory. And I know I talked with some of those people who were there, one of them was very much like my friend Jacek from Helsinki, and he told me he’s been having that for 5 years every month and he feels less and less like himself and that I should run away from there. I came back home and my whole extended family came to me to wish me speedy recovery but I didn’t even care about anything and it felt really strenuous to think. And then slowly, life would just go back to normal, and as soon as I’d start regaining my colourful brain, feeling OK, getting back my memories and was less scared of what happened, it was time to go back to that prick. It was weird that I couldn’t even just refuse, everyone was saying I have to, they were very sad about it but were saying it will help me in the end. I often have dreams when people force me to do things and no matter how hard I refuse or fight, or how diplomatically I’d try to persuade them out of it, they have to have it their way. I wonder does that mean something? πŸ˜€ So yeah, that was my dream, in a nutshell, I was going back and forth from there and seeing all those people and having it done to myself and recovering, until finally when I came there and he put me on the bed I just woke up. First I was creeped out and wondered why the hell I had such a gross dream, and it haunted me for a while, but then I started laughing at how creative my brain is. Guess I really could write thrillers based on my dreams, only I don’t like thrillers! πŸ˜€ Would like to have a talk with my brain and ask it where it got it from, during your average jolly family trip. Maybe something was wrong with that hotel! πŸ˜€

Anyway, as I told you, the next day we had to go back home, but before we did that, we visited AugustΓ³w and I had the yummiest iced latte there. And both on our way to Masuria and back home we stopped for a dinner in a lovely restaurant where I had absolutely scrumptious pierogi. Apart from my Mum’s and perhaps my grandma’s, I don’t think I’ve eaten better. Not in a restaurant for sure, and most often we eat frozen which are rather dull, so it was a great surprise! But pierogi in Masuria usually tend to be very good. So as I said my parents were supposed to go for another trip on Sunday, and they did, but had to go back, because my uncle died that same day from cancer. They normally probably wouldn’t go back, but grandma was going with them and she wanted to take part in the funeral. Coincidentally, my uncle lived in Masuria, so yesterday in the morning my family were heading back there and have just come back. I was at home with Zofijka and Misha, and Olek, but Olek’s mostly at work. For those of you who read my “Some Random Questions” post, if you’re curious, no, our house didn’t catch fire, Misha didn’t choke and Zofijka didn’t bring a norovirus home from her swimming camp, although I’m feeling really interestingly today so actually who knows… (no, brain, don’t think about that now!), instead, Zofijka came home sobbing hysterically, but didn’t want to talk so I asked Mum as for how I should handle it and Mum said I should ignore it and that means she really enjoyed the camp… Yeah, I see… No, seriously, I get it. There’s a whole long school year until another camp. I hated camps but still, I know the feeling. She’s better now, and has been out with her mates for most of the day. But my parents are going for another trip yet (my Dad’s determination to challenge theΒ  fate is pretty admirable) only not to Bieszczady but somewhere nearer, so hopefully the smaller distance will help in making it a success finally. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Misha is being really sweet to me lately, which helps me a lot every day. I suspect it’s my little secret bottle of Mish ice cream (his favourite thick sauce) that I’ve got that made him feel so amicably towards me. Those sauces come in little tubes, so you squeeze them out and if we want to have fun Misha can lick it like ice-cream, but it gets messy and I don’t wfind those tubes very user-friendly. So Mum came up with an idea that for the time when they’ll be away she’ll put a few sauces into a bottle so I’ll have it easier to give it to him and dose properly, it’s like an oil bottle. The thing is you of course have to store those sauces in the fridge, or at least in a dark place, so I had to use up that bottle quick. I used up most of it, but sadly, some of the sauce had turned sour, I was afraid not to overfeed him. I still have his normal snacks, but the sauce effect hasn’t worn out yet and Misha graciously spends most of his very precious time with me and sleeps in his bed next to me at night, as well as has his longest day nap always here. It’s really so lovely! πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d share my idea with you, which I think is great, but I need your feedback, as it has to do with my blog and with you as my readers! I’ve been thinking about it loads and it’s not a very new idea, but, as is most often the case with me, I needed to thoroughly think it through. The idea is such – I’ve been thinking about doing something like a yearly My Inner MishMash reader award – don’t know what its actual name could be yet but that’s a secondary thing. – There are tons of awards in the blogosphere, some people like them and find them nice, for some they’re annoying, so I wasn’t thinking a blog award, like write a post and nominate people etc. Especially that, as far as I am aware, those awards tend to be connected with badges, or other banners or pics, as a way to emphasise and show that someone’s blog has been awarded and I have no idea about that. My idea is more about expressing my gratitude to my readers, having fun blogging, and just connecting with people in a fun way, and also it’d be like a small giveaway. Every year, I would pick three readers of My Inner MishMash that I think have been most involved, that come here regularly, comment etc. and that I feel particularly grateful for having them around. That would be based on my own judgment and feelings, but also on the comments stats. Then I would send out small packages to those folks, with mini things like some typically Polish yummies, T-Shirts with Misha, Mish-themed Christmas cards (as that would be sometime around Christmas and New Year) and such, I’m open for suggestions here. I’d also make an official post announcing the “winners” (although it’s not about winning and losing, obviously I’m grateful for all my engaged/reglar readers who enjoy being here at My Inner MishMash, whether you comment a lot or just read my posts, but I can’t send gratitude packages to all of you every year πŸ˜€ ). Or maybe that post would go before I’d send the packages, and it could have a bit of an award form, that part needs deeper thinking. But what I need most at the moment is for you to say what you think, if you like the idea, are you up for it? Any ideas for a name for this invention? Right now I’m considering My Inner Mishmash Involvement Award (MIMIA) or My Inner MishMash Readership Award (MIMRA), it’s not really an award but it looks better in the acronyms than giveaway, but that feels a little stiff, or maybe it’s just me. My other idea is just simple EMisha’s Christmas Mini Care Package. Yeah, could use some feedback… I love baby names, but titles and such aren’t my ground as much.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m getting lots of new equipment soon! I’m happy not happy. I’ve got the maximum funding for my new Braille-Sense and Plextalk, so I really don’t have to pay much myself compared with the original price especially of Braille-Sense, which is good. I also decided to get a new computer, the one I have right now is about 5 and just seems to feel like retiring soon. My current computer is a laptop, but the one I’m going to get is a desktop, simply because it seems more logical for me, I almost only use my laptop in my room anyway. I’m happy because the change is really needed, especially re Braille-Sense, which is a geriatric, but I’m not happy and all anxious and fidgety because I hate hate hate changes and seem to have some internal problem with tech stuff and changing it, arrrghhhh. It’s not because of the sentiment, I just hate change, I’m afraid something will go wrong, or I won’t be able to transition and adjust, I won’t learn to handle the different things, which is quite unlikely. I guess I’d never had that strong anxiety with tech related transitions before, I guess before most of them I was very happy most of all, I don’t like the intensity of it at all. I’m gonna have my new stuff in the end of August.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, although I’m not sleepy, because I woke up at about 11:30 AM today, I feel very tired for some reason and kind of weird so I’m going to bed soon.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… or whatever else you fancy. #WeekendCoffeeShare

#WeekendCoffeeShare at Eclectic Alli’s.

Welcome to another coffee share, quite an early one, especially as for me, but I haven’t been too regular with posting lately and I might not be for a few more days so I thought we’d have another coffee share as some longer, catch-up post.

I’ve had my green tea already in the morning as I woke up early and needed it badly so I’m now having sparkling water with lemon, and very yummy Polish biscuits called Delicje – they are round sponge biscuits covered in chocolate with a jelly filling, mine are with orange jelly and as much as I love Delicje, the orange-flavoured ones are the only ones I find acceptable, OK, raspberry ones are OK, but just OK. – Help yourselves! I’ve also made a cake earlier today – a sponge cake with jelly and raspberries – (wow I’m kinda monotematic today with sponge, fruit and jelly, perhaps someone has an idea why? :D). It’s my name day on Sunday, hence I made it. And Mum made yummilicious croquettes (I don’t even know if that’s exactly the same thing in English, but oh well) with rice and mushrooms. I love them, and so does Olek, so if you’d like to sample, you need to hurry as he’ll soon be back from work and there will be nothing left. πŸ˜€ And I guess that’s all really yummy food (in my opinion) we have today, and you can bring something you have to our coffee share to make it more diverse than just sponge with jelly. πŸ˜€ Get yourself a comfortable place to chill and let’s start our chat, shall we? πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, or not coffee, I’d ask you how things have been going for you and what has happened in your life this week…?

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m feeling like rubbish today. Not the most optimistic note to start a coffee share and a weekend in general but what can I do. I don’t even know why. I woke up feeling OK, like near the baseline, but things have started spiraling down since early afternoon. I can’t get to why that is really. I feel depressed, and even a bit anhedonic, which is not my usual definitely, even if I am badly depressed I can often still feel the pleasure from things I love to some degree but I just feel kind of apathetic and sort of disconnected and don’t care about things too much, I also feel lonely because I feel disconnected, and don’t know what’s going on with my brain. Not like it would change a lot if I knew, and like it matters to me at the moment very much, but it’s always nice to be able to have a clue at least about your brain. I’ve also been having extremely sad and emotional dreams for a couple days which I don’t get either. I mean, scary dreams – yes, – intense, in whatever way – definitely, – strange – all the time, – but I don’t normally have plain sad dreams in which I’d feel all emotional and vulnerable, and yesterday I actually woke up crying. Today I had a sad dream too but it wasn’t quite as unsettling and I mostly remember the emotions of it, not the plot, so I didn’t think much about it, but the phenomenon of such an abundance of sad dreams is interesting. I get emotional dreams like this sometimes around the periods of time that used to be difficult for me in the past but now it’s not the case. Sometimes I wish my brain could speak, or write, or something. I’m so used to bottling up stuff that now I often don’t understand what it’s trying to tell me, ’cause I suppose it must want something from me if there’s no straightforward explanation.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we’ve had another hot week here, but thankfully today it’s very nicely fresh and chilly, apparently only for a while, Dad says we’ll have another hot day on Sunday. But it’s a relief for all the people I think that at least now it’s cooler.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that at the beginning of this week, my router died. I had to get a new one and installing it and configuring was quite a pain, and I had a whole long boring day and a half with no Internet and not much to do, but now things are back to normal.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Misha has a new hiding place, and this time, it’s a really good one, ’cause we still can’t figure out where it is, after over a week. He just disappears every day for a good few hours and then suddenly comes back out of nowhere. It’s amazing how after 3 years of living here, he still hasn’t ran out of ideas! πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m going to another meeting – like the one I went to earlier this month, in that sort of foundation or association that Zofijka’s friend’s mum works in – this time with a woman who used to live in Ireland, she’s Polish. That’s going to be very interesting for me for sure, since I love Ireland! I’m quite anxious again, even though I’ve already been there and it went well. It’s going to be on Monday.

If we were having coffee I’d also tell you that Zofijka’s friend’s mum was supposed to visit us yesterday, and then today, or on Sunday, but it seems like nothing will come out of it. While I’m happy for her to come over, I’m also secretly relieved that she won’t be coming today, as I’m definitely not in the mood for socialising whatsoever and wouldn’t be able to do it right the way I’m feeling now, just normal smalltalk feels so depressing and exhausting at the moment. As if I ever was good at smalltalk hahaha.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that we’re most likely going to the beach on Sunday, which I’m quite glad about, the sea usually makes me feel very good and I feel a strong connection with it, and I love being by the sea. We have our very special beach that is quite far away from us, it’s situated in a village in SΕ‚owiΕ„ski National Park, and it’s really clean and tranquil there, there are few beaches that are that quiet and clean. And we had a plan of going there, but because it’s apparently going to be rather hot, and the ride is long there, and then you have to walk 2 km through a nature reserve back and forth it would be quite tiring and time consuming compared to how much time we’d actually spend on the beach, so we probably won’t be going there and somewhere much closer and filled with people. πŸ˜€ In any case, I hope it’ll be cool and I’ll feel less depressed by then. Also as I said it’s my name day on Sunday so that’s going to be a nice way of spending it I hope.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were HavingCoffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to Weekend Coffee Share!

We hadn’t have one in months, so I think it’s definitely time to do it!

Let’s have a cuppa and talk a bit about our week, and whatever else we might want to talk about. There is black coffee, as always, and lots of teas, my favourite raspberry tea with ginger, chamomile tea, and some others, and a couple green teas as well, so feel free to get whatever you prefer. Oh, and recently I even bought myself some ginger, I love my tea with ginger, especially at this time of year, though my Mum has been stealing a lot of it, so there’s not much left. My Mum has asthma episode again, she usually has them in late autumn/early winter, she has episodic asthma so it tends to like come once a year, be very annoying and then go away for the rest of the year, I have the same thing, but for me it’s milder and so does Olek, and smoking doesn’t help him, so we all need ginger, so I let my Mum get it when she wants hahaha. What has ginger to do with asthma? Well apparently ginger is one of those foods that reduce mucus in your body and help you get rid of it, and when you have asthma you have a tendency to produce too much mucus, or something like this. πŸ˜€ I think it makes a perfect sense though.

Besides, we had duck meat for lunch and there still is some, and I am happy to share my mint chocolates with you – that’s a funny story with them, my Dad thought it was my nameday on Friday, and it used to be before I legally changed my name a couple of years ago, now I have my nameday in June, anyway he forgot about it and I woke up to him wishing me all the best and giving me these chocolates and I didn’t know what’s up, is he joking or what? πŸ˜€ That was funny. Eventually I didn’t correct him, I felt like it would be a bit awkward or even jerky to just tell him it’s not my nameday today, after so much effort from him. πŸ˜€

Oh and Mum just came back with groceries and she has bought some biscuits,juices and other stuff like that.

OK, so I hope you all have something to munch and sip on, and let’s start our coffee share. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you are doing and whether there was anything particular that was on your mind lately…?

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve had a pretty uneventful week overall this time, though a little hard particularly at the beginning.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I am a bit frustrated with myself this week. I tried to work on some Vreeswijk translations, as it was his death anniversary on Monday, and although I worked on two of his songs and one poem, I wasn’t able to finish any of them. I hate that I always get stuck somewhere and just can’t wriggle out of it, and have so many pieces of translated poems and songs by him that I started but can’t finish. The poem has only one verse to be translated so maybe I’ll be able to come up with something until Christmas, I’d love to. Also that day made me think a lot about my friend Jacek from Helsinki…

If we were having coffee,I’d also tell you the beginning of this week was rather rough for me, I was having a whole lot of very yucky anxiety, I think mainly as an aftermath of the damn sleep paralysis which always makes me feel as if I was haunted by a flock of zombies for a few days afterwards, and to make things even more interesting, I ran out of my anti-anxiety meds, the last one finished last week, and monday was a holiday, so I couldn’t get them right away, assuming I could get them right away in other circumstances. I still don’t have them, because Mum wasn’t able to pick the prescriptionn and get them for me, but it’s much better now anyway.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a pretty nasty migraine on Wednesday, I couldn’t get rid of it for the entire day. I am a bit fed up with headaches, as I had another, milder one, last sunday. It seems to be over for now though.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that today our cousin is with us, she’s here since Friday actually, and plays with Zofijka. There is always so much chaos when there are any kids coming to her but at the same time I am always happy when it happens because as I am sure you already know well, Zofijka is a very absorbing child and likes the world to turn around her, and I’m glad there is now someone who wants to play with her so the rest of us can have a break and not think about her all the time.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I didn’t have therapy for two weeks now, and I am quite anxious about going tomorrow. I really like my therapist as a person, and how very empathetic and outgoing she is, but since some time I am wondering a little whether indeed this time I found a good match for myself. ‘Cause although she’s so very empathetic and warm and all, I often have an impression as if she just doesn’t understand me on a deeper level. Maybe it is just my impression, maybe it’s my brain reacting to some healing process that is going on and that I can’t see yet, or maybe it’s anxiety, but it’s still niggling somewhere at the back of my mind. Again. ‘Cause, as you may remember, I’ve already switched therapists this year. I’ve been for years with my therapist Monika, in an a bit irregular contact, but in a very safe relationship, but she decided that she shouldn’t work with me any longer because of how much work she has and she felt she can’t be as dedicated as she should be to me, and because at that time I was diagnosed with AVPD and she felt like someone having more experience with personality disorders could help me better, so I met my next therapist, the one who had some experience with personality disorders, via her. But I didn’t feel like I am making any progress with that new therapist at all, she was a nice person but, that was pretty much all, I didn’t feel like we had anything in common and didn’t feel attached to her whatsoever. after a couple of months I thought maybe I should find a therapist working in a different way, so now I am working with a psychodynamic therapist since August. And while I like her way of looking atdifferent things, it seems to be pretty similar this time too.

And I wonder whether there’s something wrong with me or my perception of other people or whatever else, or maybe indeed I should try more and look for someone else, or just give us more time. Maybe I still compare her to my first therapist to whom I was very attached and really getting along. I just don’t think as if very much has changed since I last saw my first t. That’s rather frustrating and I wonder whether I should talk about it to her, I mean my current therapist. Maybe it’s not therapy that I should look for but rather focus on some other ways of recovering from/coping with my mental illnesses? My Mum suggested me that maybe I could call Monika, my first therapist, and tell her about it, and ask her if she could help in any way, but I am not sure whether it would be actually OK. Dunno really, just feel quite confused thinking about all that.

And, what actually annoys/frustrates me the most, is how often different professionals, be them doctors or therapists, assume that my main problem is my blindness. Sure, it does change the way I see some things greatly (obviously 😏), it does impact my functioning together with other issues I have, and it has been having a great impact on how my life looks like and on my experiences, but it’s not such a big deal really. My therapist persistently denies that it has any significance for her and says it doesn’t matter for her at all, whenever I ask her about this, but still asks me questions like: “When did you accept that you’re blind?”, in such a sad, incredibly sympathetic and emotional tone as if she was sorry for me that I had to accept it. While there was nothing I had to accept, it was just always this way so why should I care about it? As if she asked me “When did you accept the fact that you have blue eyes?”. Well maybe there is something wrong with me or I don’t understand something but to me it looks really weird and is just annoying.

Or her opinion is that my feelings of inadequacy and being weird, different, quirky, bla bla bla you name it, stem mainly from my blindness… Hell NO! Honestly, what’s blindness gotta do with this? I mean yeah, it doesn’t make things easier, but… no, it’s not like that… Though maybe she knows it better and it’s something I’m unaware of?… God knows…

but where I’m going to is the situation that was what started to make me feel confused. It was about two months ago.

I had that very very awful anxiety like all the time, won’t go into details here but it was shit, I didn’t have therapy for two weeks, like now. I was really looking forward to my session finally and really wanted to tell her about the anxiety, work it through somehow. It is the kind of anxiety that is very hard for me, hard for me to even talk about in detail to anyone, I’ve never talked to anyone about it more than just very superficially, never even written much about it, because even just going through this scares loads of shit out of me for some reason and it’s also all very hard to describe so I am also afraid of invalidation I guess.

But the night before my therapy, when I was going crazy with that overwhelming anxiety and wasn’t able to do much about it, I finally decided that yes, this time I am going to try and open up to her, whatever it takes, I want to be finally free from it. It was a very hard decision for me and I was scared, but I prepared for it emotionally and was ready for the shit to come out and hoping I’ll be able to indeed trust her enough to tell it to her when I see her.

So yes, I saw her, and I told her I had so much anxiety and she asked me what it’s about, so I was telling her about it, and didn’t even actually reach any point in it, because she just interrupted me and said that yeah, she understands it, this anxiety surely represents the fact that I am blind and have to depend on other people..

I was like “emm, what’s the point?”. I know that different things we fear, or dream about, or such, represent different situations in our life, or our relationships, or something, in psychodynamic therapy, a bit like in psychoanalysis, but I dont’ know what could this kind of anxiety have to do with depending or not depending on other people. She kept explaining to me that it makes me feel unsafe, depending on other people, that is, and therefore I may have different kinds of anxiety.

It could be true in some part, but not in regard to this particular anxiety, I think.

I felt like, again, she’s putting my blindness in the central place while there are so many other things that are much more important, much more of a deal. But above all, I felt like my fear has just become true and no one can relate to this kind of anxiety I experience and that she has just invalidated me, not on purpose for sure, but still. She didn’t even listen to me, I only managed to tell her a little about how I suppose it began, and she already assumed she knows everything.

It wouldn’t be such a big deal to me because everyone gets more or less invalidated sometimes and it’s impossible for people to be always able to relate to you, you don’t only have to do with very supportive and understanding people. But it was such a huge issue to me to even just tell someone anything about it, some more details. I was preparing for it for the whole night before and was literally shaking and sweating and all, it was an incredibly hard thing for me to do, and hard decision to tell her about it and work through it. And after that I feel my fear of talking about it is even stronger, and that’s when my doubts started, regarding whether I should stay with this therapist, or actually have any therapy.

So yeah, I am afraid of tomorrow’s session, ’cause I know I’ll probably have to talk to her about it, how she sees it, and I’ll be very curious to learn what else is my blindness causing to go wrong in my life. πŸ˜€ I can’t not be cynnical here sorry.

And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you I didn’t have horse riding for two weeks either. Last week I was sick with some ovary infection or whatever it was and this week my instructor had a surgery, not a serious one apparently, but still a surgery, so she needs to recover. I hope though that next week I’ll be able to go, I really miss my horses lots and lots.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare. Sharing some stuff mostly about therapy, still with no almond milk. ;)

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Oes unrhywun fodlon i gael paned o goffi, neu beth bynnag arall, efo fi? Does neb ond Misha a fi ‘ma a mae’n teimlo tipyn bach yn unig…

Yeah… that’s how my brain is functioning right now haahaha. Did two challenges of my Welsh course again, and now my language structures seem to be rather messed up lol. I’m damn proud of myself again, even though I’ve been rather depressed all weekend, and even though now I feel a little bit drained intellectually. Don’t know whether I’m thinking always grammatically correctly in my Welsh, but anyway, I’m glad of it really. I just meant to ask you if anyone’s up for a cuppa, or whatever else, and that there are only me and Misha here so it feels a little bit lonely, however now we’re not just two here, Zofijka just came in, still though some coffee would be cool, wouldn’t it? I won’t drink coffee with Zofijka, so if anyone’s up, join in.

Still no almond milk, Mum said she’d got it for me while shopping yesterday butΒ  she didn’t, she just forgot. But it’s not that very important, we still have a lot of other drinks, and we’re about to order some food from KFC with Zofijka. Mum and Dad are on a day trip.

So grab whatever you feel like drinking or eating and let’s have some coffee share.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’ve been doing this week…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I”ve had a pretty decent week overall. I’m feeling kinda depressed since yesterday, it got a bit alleviated after I forced myself to do Welsh and that it went fairly well, but I hope that’s just temporary, maybe some PMS stuff or something.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I emailed, the one doing psychodynamic therapy, got in touch with me. She wrote she was on holiday so couldn’t contact me earlier. I gave her my Mum’s phone number because my own phone was broken at the time and being repaired, and she wrote she’ll call me the next day in between sessions and told me the approximate hour. So we were waiting, me and my Mum, but she didn’t call at that time although we waited for it for quite a while afterwards and it was like late afternoon, so I went to my room and was doing other stuff and then she called in the evening. It started off badly and awkwardly, because, ya know, what kinda impression you can get when you call someone and their mum answers, or rather what kind of impression you can have about such Mum. She was sure my Mum is some sort of narcissist or other abusive jerk, we didn’t think she’d call that late, I was sure she changed her mind or forgot or will call next day or email me or something. So then I talked to her, was very anxious about that, and it didn’t seem to go well at all, she even asked me whether I am sure that my Mum won’t make any problems later on in therapy because “some parents” struggle with accepting that their child is healing and changing their roles in life and such. I was rather baffled but said I think my Mum is conscious enough to not do such things and I don’t think she’d like to influence my therapy in any way. My another awkward move was that I didn’t tell her I’m blind right away. It was actually intentional, I’ve had so many situations in the past when I would tell people I am blind, like various kinds of teachers, professionals etc. and then they’d say they can’t work with me because they don’t work with the blind, as if there was some secret recipe for for example teaching blind people Finnish, or they’d just panic or something. Also, for me, my blindness is rather a natural thing, so when we finally started to talk and I got so stressed I just forgot about that and whether to tell her about it or not. But after we disconnected I realised that actually in therapy it may matter that I’m blind, a bit more than in some other areas, because indirectly some of my issues are related, or caused, by my disability. Plus, is this really better to shock someone instead of telling them things right away? I felt kinda uncomfortable with this and was pretty sure we’re just not gonna get along after all that, that she won’t be willing to work with me. Also because her first impression of me and my Mum was so disadvantageous, mine of her wasn’t much better. I had an impression she is a very impulsive person and not in the good sense at all. She set our first session for Friday.

I was just physically sick of anxiety waiting for it, thinking more often than I can count about cancelling. I was anxious about this completely new experience in general, but also about meeting this therapist. But at the same time I was strangely curious, and wanted to give us both a chance, and some part of me was extremely determined to finally get some help, although it’s generally just fucking hard for me to ask or receive support.

Finally that day had come so I was all jittery and catastrophising, it just couldn’t go well.

Surprisingly, yeah, very surprisingly, it turned out to be pretty good. I told her I’m blind and I saw she was pretty surprised for a while, but not like shocked, and definitely not in a negative sense, she just asked me why didn’t I tell her about it before so she could come and help me to her office, but I told her it’s just a very natural thing to me so it just got out of my head in the stress to tell her and that I’m with my Mum, i guess she thought she’s my guide or assistant or something and not my Mum because my Mum left very quickly and didn’t talk much to her, she was also embarrassed a bit I guess about that earlier situation. But other than that she was OK with it and had a lot of questions as for my functioning obviously like, you know, how did I find her if I’m blind and who helped me to write an email to her, so we spent some time talking about all things blindness related, and she was in awe about how supposedly independent I am to be able to write emails and stuff. I told her of course about that phone situation and why I gave her my Mum’s number and she was absolutely OK with it, just was worried my Mum is some sort of invigilating narc as I wrote before.

As for the session, I have pretty mixed feelings about it, though overall it went well I think, if you can say anything constructive after the first session with a therapist. She is a very warm person and I found it quite surprising, I’d say she seems more emotional than my previous therapist, the one with whom I did CBT over the last couple months, and I definitely didn’t expect it, I thought for some reason that a psychodynamic therapist would be more matter-of-fact and rational, and I’m glad she’s the way she is, I don’t think I’d do well with someone thinking overly logically. I could indeed say she’s impulsive, but not in the bad sense, I’d say very empathetic and, well, dynamic. πŸ˜€ And that’s rather new to me because so far the therapists I worked with were rather calm and very composed, even my first therapist Monika who was very kind and emotional and understanding, was at the same time very very calm. Don’t know what’s better or worse or whether there actually is anything that’s worse or better, it’s just new to me to work with someone like her, as I’m sure working with someone like me is for her.

We talked, rather briefly as for now, about my issues regarding the past, I told her how I feel weird when thinking about it as trauma and that thinking about some of my past as traumatic is very new to me and feels confusing. We talked about my social anxiety and anxiety in general and about my diagnoses, and I told her quite a lot about my general life situation.

She told me something very interesting but also very striking, which no one has ever told me before. I was telling her some stuff about the boarding school and how I couldn’t adjust there etc. you know I was writing a lot about it previously, and she suddenly interrupted me and said that I provoke her all the time to reject me. That I tend to say very biased things about myself all the time like that I’m weird, or that other kids were more normal, or that I very often use negatively marked words to describe myself or my behaviours/reactions, and tend to overly justify people’s behaviours, so that the general message she said she’s getting from me since we met is like “Hey don’t like me because I don’t like myself and you can’t like me!” and it looks like I desperately want people to reject me, Of course I don’t, but as she told me about it, it caught my attention because, yeah, I definitely don’t like myself, most of the time or in most regards at least, but I never thought about it this way, that I provoke people to reject me so openly, and that it could have such a big effect on my relationships. Now I see it, or at least, kind of. It was very striking discovery for me. I wonder whether that could be the reason for so many of my relationships to be so short-lived or ending up yucky, even though I don’t talk to many other people so openly about myself so they don’t get a chance to know what I actually think about myself, in fact I know that many people who know me, or particularly who knew me in the past in real life, think I’m a bit haughty, but I guess there might be some subconscious communication involved as well and I might reject people subconsciously. That’s so weird and I feel a bit confused as for that. And that topic was coming back regularly throughout the session and then afterwards I wanted to give her my real phone number as my phone was repaired by the time I had therapy, so I took out my phone and told her I need to find my number, because my brain is so freaky I don’t even know my own phone number without looking at it, I just love all things numbers. And she wanted to show me I’m doing it again, saying bad things about myself, but then I told her that I’d rather differentiate self-loathing from deprecating humour, because I said it rather jokingly in that speciffic situation. I don’t feel worse from other people just because some of them are better than me with numbers, it’s nothing I want to be good at, so, yeah, I wasΒ  just joking, in fact I like it about my brain that it’s more creative and not limited by any mathematical schemes – I told her. But she told me that she’s always had an impression that those who use self-deprecating humour the most usually deprecate themselves in other aspects of life as well more than the rest. And that made me think about Vreeswijk suddenly, so then I knew she had a point here again, and just couldn’t help but laugh. πŸ˜€

We didn’t do much more, but I felt relieved after the session, despite those kinda weird discoveries about which I still don’t really know what to think and what to do, I was happy we were able to get along despite that awkward situation at the beginning and I was happy I could talk about some of the issues with someone and that she at least seemed to get it. What I found a bit hard was that I had an impression we’re having some issues with communication. Like sometimes I’d say something to her and she’d talk about something completely different and it was hard to get for me where she’s actually going to, or the other way around, she was saying something to me, and I didn’t know what she meant and wanted from me and we couldn’t just figure out each other. Or pretty often I had the impression that she was expecting me to say something, and if I did something different, her reaction was a bit like I said something kinda wrong, and yeah I didn’t always get what she actually wants from me and it was quite confusing. I don’t really know why it’s this way, I find her way of being a bit chaotic, but then so am I, it just manifests in different ways in each of us, so maybe that’s why, or just because we both didn’t talk to each other before, that I was stressed, and she was surprised by all that she got toΒ  know. Also I find it often hard to describe my feelings clearly while talking so maybe that could be the reason for the communication issuesΒ  as well. I just hope it won’t be a long lasting thing and will get better with time as we will get to know each other more because at times I found it a little bit uncomfortable and bizarre.

But overall I think she’s really good and my Mum says that as soon as she saw her she knew I’ll get along with her and she’ll be able to help me, that’s interesting.

Yesterday though, I started to feel a bit crappy emotionally and then worse and worse as if some larger mood dip was about to start and soon I found myself in that dark, self-loathing hole again, andΒ  was overloaded with feelings and felt like self-harming a lot. I didn’t, but it was really strong at some point. I don’t know, whether it’s a coincidence, or some defensive or other kind of mechanisms kicked in so early on, but I think it’s weird I feel this way so soon after therapy when it went so well. I’ve been just so full of depression and anger for God knows what or whom actually and urges and self-loathing thoughts over the weekend, yesterday it was a bit hard to function properly and I would gladly not come out of bed at all if I could, but would it change anything? Doubtful. As I said, today is slightly better, I found the motivation to do my Welsh, which I didn’t do yesterday, nor on Friday, nor on Thursday because I felt to anxious, and that lifted me a bit.

And last, but not least, if we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Zofijka has just made some chocolate custard, well it’s not custard actually, we don’t eat custard i Poland regularly, it’s like our Polish custard pudding but you have starch in it instead of egg jolks, you can make it from scratch of course but most people just buy the concentrate and then add some other ingredients so it’s quick to make, you can have it in many flavours like vanilla, or cream or banana or cherry or chocolate, or caramel, etc. And Zofijka just saw we have and decided she’ll make it on her own, for the first time. Sofi is a really good cook, so it obviously went well and we both liked it. It wasn’t very sweet but oh well, we just melted chocolate and added to it when we realised it’s not sweet enough and it was yummy. Zofijka is now very happy and proud of her new culinary achievement. :)It turned out she made a bit too much of it just for us two, so we can have some for the coffee share if you like. πŸ˜€

OK, so I guess that’s all from me for today.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to another

Weekend Coffee Share.

Grab some coffee, or whatever else you prefer, and join in. It’s much cooler now than even yesterday morning, which I am very glad about, and Misha is too. Though his sleeping patterns remain unchanged so far. He’s still asleep. I told you last week that I’ll have almond milk for this weekend’s coffee share to share with you (doesn’t Weekend Almond Milk Share sound way more sophisticated than plain Weekend Coffee Share? πŸ˜‰ ), but I don’t have it. I just ended up not doing any shopping, so yeah, maybe next week. Hope no one feels too disappointed haha.

I wrote a bit of an update a few days ago so you already know a lot about what I’ve been up to this week, if you don’t know and want to catch up just go

Here.

If we were having coffee I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I contacted on Thursday didn’t write back to me yet but I’m still hopeful. I was a little concerned because I couldn’t find anyone else in my area doing psychodynamic therapy if she wouldn’t respond, but yesterday I found out about a clinic in Gdynia which specialises in it, so I might contact them next week if I’ll need to. Gdynia is further from me, not far but not particularly close either, so I’d also have to ask Mum what she thinks about it, if I would have to have therapy there.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday in the afternoon we got a lot of rain and storms and that’s such a huge relief to me, because this heat was really overwhelming. Summer is nice, and warm weather is nice, but oh God, please, 36 C?! Isn’t that crazy?! The question is obviously rhetorical, it’s devastating.

And as we are talking about that, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that due to that weather we had I suspended my Welsh for a while. I mean my Welsh course, if you’re learning a language and doing it for fun you usually learn something every day, no matter if you’re doing your usual lessons or not. At first I wanted to be bold and still do it, despite I usually feel really crappy physically in the heat, but then I decided it doesn’t make much sense to just play a hero for the sake of playing a hero since I won’t learn much this way and I stopped it. Today though there was no reason to prolong it so I did my Welsh challenge, despite the break it went pretty wel. Then I went to show off to our learners’ community and one of the people asked me so why won’t you do another one then? I hesitated for a while, felt lazy and not quite like doing it but decided to do so anyway. So yeah I did another one, it went by even quicker than the first one and it felt like I was even better at it than at the first one lol. My new favourite welsh word is o ddifrif (o THEE-Vree, the dd is pronounced like th in the, the f is pronounced like v and the f at the end is silent), which means seriously, and ddifrifol (thee-VREE-vol) which means serious. It doesn’t sound serious at all, does it? πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a brilliant, lovely dream last night, involving my current music crush Gwilym. And OMG it was so vivid. Well, all my dreams are vivid, most of them at least, which can be both fantastic and shitty, but it was just so… I don’t even know how to call it haha, let’s just say wonderful anyway. It made me feel really good, as my crush dreams always do, but it didn’t stop the anxiety that I still feel somewhat since that last sleep paralysis to creep into my mind again pretty soon after I woke up. I try to not care though, or pretend I don’t so that it won’t get the satisfaction at least, and despite the anxiety I feel pretty positive today.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you tomorrow is a sort of our parish church’s day, it is a thing in Catholic churches in Poland – each one has its patron saint and the day that is this saint’s feast day, they celebrate it with a lot of splendor, but also in a kind of rustic way, even in the cities, and to be honest, I usually don’t like all those celebrations, they feel very trashy to me. One of our patron saints is saint Roch, his feast day will be soon, but the celebrations are tomorrow for us, he is also a patron saint of animals, as far as I can remember there was some sort of legend that after his death he went to heaven with his dog. And because of it, among all the usual trashy stuff, there is also an interesting tradition in our church, namely pets are blessed and consecrated. Mum and me were last year with Misha (we were joking it was his christening hahaha), and I think we will go this year too. It always makes him a bit nervous because he doesn’t go out much and there are lots of other animals and he doesn’t have much contact with other animals, but also it is one of the few opportunities for him to get out and be safe with us, and he still likes to go out, as he often manifests very clearly. πŸ˜€ Plus I think it is a cool habit. Some people tend to think animals are some sort of worse kind of creatures, my Dad even thinks it’s a profanity to pray for a pet for example when it’s sick, and yes there certainly are some limits and I don’t say we should do with pets or allow them to do just the same things humans do, but they’re also God’s creations, good natured and often much more innocent than humans, so why such little things as praying or blessing them could be a profanity? I’d rather agree with Lucy Maud Montgomery who said something like that we can pray for anything we love, I guess Judy Plum said it in “Pat Of The Silverbush”. She was Presbyterian but I don’t think it makes much difference in this case, actually I think that Catholic faith is more emotional and stuff so we should think so and practice it as well. I am sure that God also created Misha with some sort of purrpose and loves him, it wasn’t just an accident that Misha appeared in the world, otherwise He wouldn’t make him so beautiful, so He must care about him. Plus I am strongly convinced that God has a sense of humour, a very good one, though a bit too ironical at times, and if someone has a good sense of humour they can’t have such stiff rules as my Dad does, don’t you think? πŸ˜€

OK, I think I’ll go now, I think I’ll turn on some music and go to Dreamland for a while, I’mΒ  feeling like it and don’t have anything much better to do today, and that seems to be a cool idea anytime.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Yup, there’s nothing better than a hot steaming strong coffee is there? But maybe not in this kinda weather.

So OK if you wanna have coffee here you are, but what I’d highly recommend in this awfully hot atmosphere would be definitely something cooler. I am sipping on orange juice with a whole lot of ice. Even the ice itself is yummy hahaha. Can anyone tell me why do I like ice so much? πŸ˜€ No not only to have it in a drink or suck on it or whatever, I just love ice. But why?! I’m pretty curious, but I’ve never got to know so far. But I guess I’ll never understand my freaky brain.

OK so I can pour you some coffee or ice coffee or tea or orange juice or water with lemon, that’s pretty much all we have at the moment, but weirdly enough I’m craving almond milk and I think I’ll need to buy myself some so that we could have some for the next coffee & almond milk share, if anyone else would fancy. I love almond milk, but I rarely have it. It sounds so sophisticated… Almond milk. Doesn’t it? As if you couldn’t drink normal milk like all the normal people out there. But no, I can’t. I don’t like cow milk, at least not on its own. And more importantly, I’m certainly not normal. But that’s another thing.

Ok so if we’re done with the drink thing, if we were having coffee, I’d ask everyone of you how are you doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather uneventful week. My anxiety has finally lessened. It lasted very long, and it was hard to get out of that murky shitty place I was in, but it’s mostly over. Luckily I didn’t have any sleep paralysis episodes this week and I hope it will stay this way as long as possible, I’m really sick of this kind of anxiety for now, it was really debilitating and made me functioning very poorly.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Zofijka is at our cousin’s. I think she’ll stay there until tomorrow, if not longer. She’s been out travelling or visiting people a lot this summer, and all of us are really happy about that, I don’t know how about Misha, his feelings seem to be mixed, but he also benefits from this situation.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach on Wednesday. My parents, Olek and me. It was really cool. We were much more lucky than last Sunday when it started to rain as we came to the sea. It did become stormy and cloudy but not until we were leaving. By the time we were by the sea it was very sunny and not too hot, really nice, and I spent most of the time in the water. Then we went for a lunch to a restaurant and it was absolutely delicious. Maybe we’ll also go to the beach tomorrow. My parents were also by the seaside on Thursday but I didn’t go with them, they were going with some Dad’s friends so I wouldn’t have much to do and would feel rather bored so I just stayed home, since my anxiety was more settled so I could, without freaking out, even though Misha didn’t want to keep me company and slept in one of his top secret hideouts. But that was OK with me and I had a great day.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m thinking a lot about my therapy lately. Because I don’t really feel like me and my current therapist get along with each other. I mean I like her as a person, and I appreciate that she offered it herself to me that she would be willing to work with me when I got my diagnoses of AVPD and dysthymia in March, but I don’t click with her as a therapist, or so I feel. I feel like I haven’t made much progress with her. Like I feel somewhat relieved knowing finally my diagnoses and thought that from now on when I know what’s wrong with me I’d be able to handle it better with her help, but I don’t feel like a lot has happened since I saw her for the first time. On the other hand it’s only since March that she’s my therapist, so maybe it’s too short to make statements like that, maybe I should give us more time? And also my previous therapist, although we didn’t have regular sessions in like last five years, she knew me very well and I was quite significantly attached to her, we were working together for like 10 years or such, since I was at the integration school so it was really a long time. So maybe I’m expecting to much from this therapist or something? It’s hard to say I guess. Also this therapist I work with now works in CBT, while Monika, my previous one, was also primarily doing CBT but was mixing the various other models too, and I feel like she was more flexible and open-minded. Also the work I did with Monika was that much different that back then I indeed needed some speciffic, concrete coping skills, or very speciffic support from her, because my life situation was different, I was seeing her less regularly, most of the time when she was my therapist I was at the boarding school, so needed some clear and working strategies to cope and survive, and CBT is I suppose something that works well in such cases. We focused on ongoing issues that I needed to solve or things I didn’t cope well with or my ongoing fears etc. and there wasn’t much place at that moment for any deeper work because – at first due to me staying mostly at the boarding school and not being able to see her often and then due to her very busy schedule – we just couldn’t see each other very regularly and most often were just checking in on the phone/via email or having a session once in a while when it fit both of us. That just had to be enough and there weren’t many other options for me at that time to get any professional support and I feel very lucky that I had her at that time. I don’t think many other therapists would be so open and so very supportive for me at that situation, being available always then when I most needed her and was most distressed, and looking at my issues objectively.

But now, as my life situation has changed and is more stable, I’m wondering whether CBT is really for me. They say it works for both mood disorders and anxiety disorders and that AVPD is also usually treated with CBT, but, I’m just not sure if it is what I’m looking for. I feel like my issues, particularly those from which my AVPD seems to come from, are mostly deeply rooted in the past. And I wonder whether now wouldn’t be a good time to process some things to be able to move on. Also I don’t think I have one strict, concrete therapeutic goal right now that I want to go to and achieve. It’s much more like there are many things I want to grasp somehow, either proces or learn to live with or get rid of… I am kinda anxious about this whole digging in the roots of things but maybe that’s what would help me? So I’m wondering which therapeutic model would fit me more and maybe it should be something like psychoanalysis/psychodynamic therapy? That sounds like it could be really suitable, but then new doubts arise and I just don’t know where to go from there. I also thought maybe Gestalt therapy could be helpful with the AVPD thing, maybe not processing but things like my self esteem or anxiety, and that it looks into the future, which I always see as so very black and awful and depressing. And I am just confused as for what to do.

Another thing is that in my particular area I guess there wouldn’t be very many therapists. The easiest way to get to therapy is in our local psychological clinic, but from my previous experiences there and opinions from some other people I suppose that most therapists that work there are doing CBT. Because I can’t commute on my own, obviously I wouldn’t like my Mum to have to drive with me once or twice a week somewhere far away or that is hard to get to. So yeah, lots of confusion here. I am also considering some online therapy, if not as my main one then maybe as an addition to the sessions with my current therapist which I have fortnightly which sometimes feels not enough. So maybe that’s how it’s going to end up. I guess I have to think it through and give it more time or probably talk to my Mum about it. I haven’t so far. I often have an impression she seems significantly distressed when we are talking about my mental health issues so although overall we have a really good relationship nowadays, compared to how it used to be and compared to many other mother-daughter relationships out there, but in this particular topic it’s kinda tough. I guess she’s still blaming herself a lot.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m having a good, quite chilled out day today. I woke up extremely early but just wasn’t sleepy anymore. We played a little with Misha. But the rest of the day he’s been actually sleeping through, and he looks so cute. It’s incredibly hot as I said and after we had dinner I realised it’s way too sultry for me, despite the fan going on almost 24/7 in my room. Usually when it’s so hot I don’t go far from home much unless like to the backyard to cool off or with my family to the sea, on such days my blood pressure is usually LOW and same is with my Mum so we just don’t want to overheat even more to not feel worse plusI am way too sluggish and lazy then to go somewhere very far. But today I thought if I won’t go out of this house right away… I don’t know, but nothing good will happen for sure. πŸ˜€ So I asked Mum if she would like to go for a walk, and she said she would, so we went. We also bought some cool drinks on our way, and I felt a bit better when we came back. We got some orange juice and went out again this time just on the backyard and sat by our river drinking the juice dipping feet in the water and Mum was watching some video but it was in English and without subtitles, and my Mum doesn’t know much English, so I was translating it to her. And so now it’s 7 PM so I guess I’ll have a cool shower now and maybe will do my Welsh challenge for today, I didn’t motivate myself to do it earlier, but I am not sure about it, I don’t want my poor brain to be mad at me. πŸ˜€

Ah, and as for the language stuff, if we were having coffee I’d tell you my inner linguistic freak is over the mon and very proud of herself today. As you could see earlier today, I’ve translated a children’s song from Norwegian to English. I wanted to share it with you – I mean the song, in the song of the day series – because I think it’s cool and funny, but I wanted it to be understandable. I could understand it well via my Swedish, but couldn’t find any English translation online to share. SO my inner linguistic freak decided to take on a challenge and translate it herself. Considering that I can’t speak Norwegian, and am not an English native, I feel like it’s quite an achievement. It was quite a piece of work, despite it’s just a children’s song.

I know it has probably lots of various errors still, but in this case I didn’t aim that much to perfection, I just wanted to show you what it is about, I wouldn’t think I could translate anything from Norwegian to ENglish perfectly, particularly if I haven’t ever translated anything from NOrwegian to any other language before, so didn’t expect it at all. However although it’s not made for the sake of perfectionism, if you have any feedback, comments or you think I could fix something, it would be greatly appreciated, particularly if you happen to speak Norwegian and could tell me if I translated all the words well. I am sure there are some stylistical or grammar errors in the translation too so if you see any, let me know as well.

If you haven’t seen the song and my translation yet and would like, it’s here:

Alexander Rybak ft. Superbarna – Dyrene I Afrika (Animals In Africa).

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

What has happened to you this week? HOw is your weekend going? Are you looking forward to something? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Welcome to another coffee share. We’ve had some rain today so it’s cooler (a little bit), but still I’d rather recommend ice coffee than normal hot coffee.

If we were having coffee I’d ask everyone of you how you’re doing and what’s been going on for you…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather rough week, particularly last days of it, but I’ll get into it later on.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it was my aunt’s 40th birthday on Monday. I supposed she’d be doing something massive as it would be quite her style but there was only a small, or relatively small, family gathering. I planned not to go and just phone her and wish her happy birthday, but eventually I decided to go because she wouldn’t answer. We aren’t really getting along too well with that aunt, despite she’s my God mother and it wasn’t always this way, I guess our personalities clash totally and in a way are too similar, but on the other hand we’re too different in other aspects at the same time. And there was a minor but quite nasty incident with her that regarded me which left me feeling quite unstable, but I got over it rather quickly since it’s rather about her issues than mine or anyone else’s.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve started some collaboration with Nameberry. Don’t know yet what if anything will come out of it long term, but as you could notice I wrote a guest post for their blog. It was a lot of fun and I feel quite excited about it, and proud of myself cause I think the post is really good.

The following few paragraphs may be a bit lengthy and might feel hard or perhaps potentially triggering for someone, so if you feel uncomfortable just skip them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had an awful, absolutely shitty day on Thursday. I just thought my brain will explode with anxiety, even on my extra anxiety meds, it was just nuts. That night my Mum couldn’t sleep so she came to me – ’cause if anyone can’t sleep in this house it’s of course usually me so she usually comes to me when she can’t sleep and checks if I’m up too so we can share the pain haha. She took a mattress with her and said it’s very hot in her room and whether she could sleep in mine, so I agreed. There was my poor Braille-Sense charging and the light was flickering so I told her she can switch it off and she did. Then we both fell asleep and slept rather soundly. But at like 6 Braille-Sense couldn’t stand it any longer and woke us up that it wants to eat. It’s so old it literally can’t make it without a recharger, even when you don’t do anything to him, a total addict. So I jumped out of the bed to shut him up immediately. Unfortunately Mum woke up too and decided it’s time for her to get up. We chatted for a while and she went out, I still felt quite sleepy though so went back to bed. Despite sleepiness, I couldn’t fall asleep for like 15 minutes, maybe a bit more. Usually, when I wake up at night but still want to get back to sleep but the break is too long, like 30 minutes or longer, and I still can’t fall asleep, I don’t try anymore, because then I usually end up with sleep paralysis. But it was just like about 15 minutes and I definitely felt like I still could use some sleep. I guess my brain was in a rather malicious mood and it wouldn’t let me. Instead, I did fall into sleep paralysis. Sometimes it lasts longer, I can notice when I float away and with some physical and mental effort get away from there, but this time it all just happened so rapidly, plus like I said I felt sleepy so didn’t fully realise when my sleepiness turned out into floatiness and everything felt distant, gloomy. It was only when I felt that awful, huge wave of anxiety washing over me, actually filling in the atmosphere arund me, that I realised what’s going on, and it was way too late. My brain felt tired and floaty, my consciousness started to change in that weird way and my limbs felt heavy. I started to feel dizzy and slip down into the darkness with light speed, I actually never was falling so quickly before, or can’t remember.

I won’t go into details as for what happened next, I mean as for the exact content, because it’s incredibly hard to describe those, hm, “dreams”, first because it’s just all so abstractive, elusive, subjective, but also because it’s just too scary. Sometimes I feel I maybe should write about it in detail somewhere or talk to someone but it’s always too scary and way too hard to describe. But what I can tell you is that it was al full of anxiety, doom and gloom. I feel like maybe in other circumstances it wouldn’t be so scary, it’s mainly just the atmosphere of anxiety and inevitable danger around that makes it so horrifying, most of the anxiety provoking things are actually things I was very afraid of in childhood, now either not so much (in real life) or I just don’t have contact with these things anymore. These dreams are full of very anxiety provoking, aggressive sounds, don’t know if they’d sound so for everyone, but so are they for me, often with very intricate, gloomy harmonies. All those anxiety stimuli are actually weirdly personified, they’re all like real people, spirting with hatred towards me and doing everything in their might to make me feel more helpless.

Besides all those anxieties, there’s also often some plot in those dreams, often very chaotic and consisting of single, not related, scary events, although I’ve been having those dreams since very early childhood and at the beginning they were always very schematic and predictable.

I actually don’t know if it’s exactly sleep paralysis, because people who have sleep paralysis usually seem to have full consciousness, while in my case it’s like I’m half-conscious most of the time, and often things that happen in the outside world mix quite creepily with my dreams. Sometimes I am only aware that I am dreaming, or sometimes I have sort of two perspectives – one is inner where I only see what’s in my dreams, and another is where I only can see what’s on the outside, can hear the music, people talking, but obviously can’t interact or anything. Sometimes I know I am dreaming but I don’t know what’s going on on the outside and my brain makes up things that don’t happen, but are very, very, very realistic. Also, people with sleep paralysis often have a sensation that someone or something is literaly sitting on them, like they feel strong pressure which makes breathing harder. For me breathing in those dreams is often very difficult but I had this pressure only once, however I’ve had the motive of someone assailing me, knocking me off, wanting to harm me physically, not letting me move etc. But I too, like many people with this condition often feel some sense of someone’s presence before I fully fall into it and am having other sorts of delusions before it really starts. Besides those people with sleep paralysis I know of usually feel very frustrated with not being able to move, they are aware they can’t move, while I often am not aware that I can’t. I see myself doing different things in dreams, hear myself screaming, fighting with my dream “friends”, getting up, etc. while in fact nothing happens and I’m just lying. Sometimes it may be that I dream I am going to my Mum to help me, and then another creepy thing happens, making me realise I’m still at the very same dead point I was before and no one is going to help me except for myself. I dream I am turning on music on my Plextalk to get rid of the nasty sounds and the anxiety but of course since I can’t move my hands I don’t do it in reality, so either my Plextalk also is against me, or doesn’t work, or something creepy happens. Also some other things don’t look exactly like sleep paralysis but I don’t know what else it could be and still it’s incredibly similar to what I experience so that’s why I call it this way, since I didn’t know for years what it actually is, I just thought everyone’s nightmares look this way for a long time.

And what’s very characteristic to those dreams for me lately, and the most exhausting I guess, are false awakenings. I just hate them so much.

If you don’t know what a false awakening is, although I guess it’s pretty easy to guess, imagine that you sleep happily, or not happily, doesn’t matter, then you get up as every normal human being, do your morning routines, go out to work, or do whatever else, and out of the blue you realise you’ve beenΒ  in your bed all the time and it was just a dream. Incredibly realistic, with all the things you do during the day, just in the same order as you do them, with people saying normal things, the only abnormal thing being it was just a dream. And, if you’re particularly lucky and dreamy, then it can go over and over and over again. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast… back in bed…

And so it is often for me, only that if it happens during sleep paralysis, it occurs in a very scary form.

I scream, fight, run away, choke, fall down, rise up, do whatever to just survive, and then… boom! it’s as if you fell down from somewhere high on your bed. Oh, great, so I’m awake! Thanks Goodness, finally! Get up, get dressed, feed Misha, and suddenly… hmm, where did actually Misha disappear? he was right in front of me a second ago wasn’t he? But now it’s not Misha, but one of my dream “friends” right in front of me, laughing at me like crazy, everything is dizzy and I slip back right where I was before. Etc. etc. etc. in the same pattern.

But most often it’s like I am in there, in my dreams, and desperately want to get back to life, try to move, test whether everything around me is real or not, do anything to get rid of the floatiness in my brain and get closer to the real world. I often hear people calling me, like my Mum waking me up, even if it is not true, motivate myself to get up and… finally I manage. I am glad, but still the anxiety flows everywhere I feel floaty, and often even like I was still in some way paralysed, like I wouldn’t have much control over my moves or something. But I try to not care, or ignore it completely, usually in this situation I go to whoever is around to help me and make me feel safer, although I never do this when I really wake up. They often help me, are very compassionate, sometimes are cruel and turns out they’re collaborating with my dreammates, like when I was a kid I once dreamt that my Mum wanted to cut my foot because they forced her. πŸ˜€ Sometimes they don’t want to cooperate with them but have to, sometimes they’re very willing. Whatever happens though, finally I always slip back there, scared and disappointed, and confused as for what is real. Sometimes it is so that I may live my “normal” life for quite long and then finally realise that something doesn’t really look very realistic and that then it has to mean it is a dream, and then everything starts over with a lot of chaos. Usually then I see some creepy scenes not necessarily with me in one of the main roles, often as an observer. And then again I’m scared and want to wake up, gradually more and more confused as for what is real, am I sleeping or awake, what’s generally going on.

Often after that episode I’m exhausted and fall into very deep, heavy sleep, sometimes it’s completely dreamless and sometimes I have some disturbing bad or weird dreams, but rather mildly bad in comparison to the sleep paralysis. But despite it’s so heavy it’s rarely really good sleep.

When I finally wake up for good, I am usually very puzzled for a little while and obviously usually feel a lot of anxiety, but it usually passes away quickly. I mean, I can be anxious for quite a while, but not as much as when I wake up, when it can be really really high. I usually get over it quickly.

But the last time, that Thursday morning, it waas a hardcore. It lasted for like THREE HOURS, I fel like it was scarier than ever. I have very good dream memory, which is also a blessing in many circumstances, but when I woke up after all that and remembered what I dreamt about, it was hard to get over it and get some distance to it, just feeling relief that it was only a dream. When I wake up for real, after all those false awakenings, I always know well I’m awake and am no longer confused, but last time I started to wonder. What if I am still asleep? Deep down I knew it’s over, but what if not? What if some day I’ll wake up and just won’t be able to tell what’s real from what’s not? It scared me even more.

I went downstairs still feeling a bit floaty from the dream and very scared, tired as if I really was fighting with someone for three hours and unsettled. Mum was in the kitchen and said she couldn’t wait for me to come and that now I am surely well rested after so much sleep. She said she was in my room twice and I slept so heavily. I guess I could hear her once, or it was my imagination.

I usually try not to make too much drama around my dreams because I know there isn’t any universal cure for it and that it always distresses my Mum cause she doesn’t know what to do about it and feels helpless, but this time it was that little bit too much to bear for me. I felt shaky like jelly and couldn’t stop tears from falling so she was quite amazed what’s going on, and it took her a while to get it out of me because I was a real real mess. I took all my anxiety meds, I mean two pills of my basic one and one of the extra med, but I was still shaky, my head was hurting like a bitch, and I felt like a true drama queen because it was actually Mum’s nameday so the guests were about to come. Poor Zofijka was looking around puzzled askign everyone what happened and not getting any consistent answer. Finally I managed to take a long bath and then Mum sent me back to bed although I was really anxious as for that since I didn’t want to get trapped by my beautiful brain again.

I was so tired that I did fall asleep almost immediately but slept very soundly. Things have changed a little bit after I woke up, I mean outside, not so much inside, I was still in pieces and very hypervigilant and all. But felt good enough to get down to the guests for a while and keep a socially decent and logical conversation.

I got back to my room and then I realised the cold, hard truth… the Internet was off! That meant a really hard day for me. After those dreams I am always very sensitive as for silence and can’t stand it, same as some particular sounds. Most of my music was online. Most of things I could do at that moment to distract myself the best were online, particularly now as the guests were in. Smalltalk isn’t particularly stimulating nor distracting for me and I would rather feel bored, and I couldn’t ask my parents for any help as they were with them, and Zofijka was playing with other kids who came in. Misha always escapes when too many people are around, and usually to my room, but when they came I was asleep and my room was closed so he went somewhere else and I didn’t know where he was. So there weren’t many things I could do, I was mostly reading, and listening to music I had, helped Mum in the kitchen afterwards, but was still incredibly tense and overloaded. It was just so horrifying, I haven’t feel such extreme things for a long while before then.

The Internet hasn’t come back even at night, so again I was left to only my own resources, and night was twice as hard, even though sometime later on Misha had mercy on me and came to me. It was nightmare and I had a feeling I’m just going crazy and things won’t be as they were before anymore, that I’ll just always live with such high level of anxiety. Needless to say I didn’t even try to fall asleep, quite the opposite.

The next day it was slightly better though. And you know what turned out then? My brilliant Mum, when she slept in my room, she messed up with the router somehow while she was switching things off. And it only needed to be rebooted. It was funny but also frustrating because I really needed some distraction that day and Mum told me there is probably some more general damage like at our Internet provider or something, so I just accepted it and didn’t even try to fix it myself. πŸ˜€

I was still very anxious, but since I had many more productive things to do then, and some time has passed, it was much more manageable.

And so it is now. I still haven’t recovered fuly from that nasty episode, I feel. But I am a bit more stable and don’t freak out without Misha.

I wonder what was actually going on with those dreams. Was it just an accident it was so long and so rough, just a random thing, or is something changing and it is going to get worse? If so, I think I’ll really need to try hitting it with antidepressants, I once saw a neurologist for that and she said it sometimes works for people, but then I decided I will try to handle it with some better sleep hygiene and stuff. But if you have messed up sleep cycle by nature, regular sleeping and waking up and maintaining sleep hygiene isn’t always that easy, so I guess the time for antidepressants will finaly come sooner or later, even though I haven’t heard about people for whom it would be helpful. But it shouldn’t be harmful, so I guess I’ll try if it’s going to stay this way.

If we were having coffee I’d tel you today is my friend’s 1st death anniversary. Man I still can’t believe he’s dead. I never told you about that, I feel weird talking about his death still, not like I can’t accept it but like it’s just so weird to talk about him that he’s dead. I am talking about Jacek, that Jacek who was writing the novel about vikings. He was such a lively, energetic person, always full of ideas and so bubbly. But he got osteosarcoma and then there were some nasty metastases, it just progressed very quickly. I couldn’t get it for weeks that he was dead, and still my brain doesn’t fully get it I guess. I will maybe do some longer post in memory of him, because he was such a remarkable man, I need to think about this. He was only 25 when he died. And he told me he’s going to Valhalla. πŸ™‚

And quite in the same topic, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday my friend wrote to me, with whom I haven’t have any contact since before Jacek has passed away. She is our mutual friend Jacek’s and mine. She is Swedish – Jacek had lots of friends in Sweden and Finland and I’ve met some interesting people via him – and this particular girl I met when we were all three collaborating on Jacek’s online radiostation, I was volunteeering as a sound engineer there and has learned a lot during that short episode, about broadcasting, vikings, not to mention sound engineering, and many other things. And that girl, Annika, she was one of the presenters and that’s how we met online. She is a Slavic languages freak and has been learning Polish and other Slavic languages since early childhood just as it’s been with my Swedish. ANyway. We were never very close because we just knew each other through Jacek, but I’ve always liked her, she’s really sweet and down to earth. We haven’t talked almost at all since Jacek’s death though, there just weren’t any occasion. And I was greatly surprised seeing a message from her. She wrote to me to say she’ll be getting married soon. With a Pole, haha. And I am very happy she shared it with me and that I could catch up on her, and that she seems to be in a happy and already quite long lasting relationship. And because it was so close to Jacek’s death anniversary we also talked about this in length. And seems like we both feel the same way about this, that we don’t quite believe it yet. I was really glad to be able to write with her for a while. And it’s so cool she’ll be living in Poland for good now.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach today. My parents, Zofijka, me, and uncle and aunt, from Dad’s side. But, turns out, we’re incredibly lucky. We’ve been having an incredibly hot week, but due to various things happening we couldn’t go to the beach earlier, so we just waited for Sunday to come. and, as soon as we came to the beach, the rain started falling. We were all wet and me and Zofijka were feeling very cold and now we both have sore throat, I hope we won’t be sick. πŸ˜€ Moreover, when we came home, got rid of all the mud we’ve brought in, showered and stuff, the clouds disappeared and it’s hot again, only more humid. Isn’t that a pure luck? πŸ˜€ Mum has some sort of ear infection, I actually was telling her not to go to the beach with it as it could only get worse, and it looks like it did get worse, she’s barely hearing on that ear. She tried using geranium for it and other home remedies, but looks like our lifestyle guru will have to see a laryngologist, probably tomorrow.

And if we were having coffee I’d tell you that Mum went to a coeliac disease specialist last Wednesday, but it looks like her referral didn’t get through to them. So now she’ll go to another one that can see her much quicker, on Tuesday, and without a referral. So she’ll have a real health week. But I hope the news she’ll get will be good.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Let’s have some coffee guys, or whatever you like to drink. I’m curious what has happened to you this past week and how your weekend is going, and I haven’t made a Weekend Coffee Share for a while here so there are some things I need to update you on.

Aside from coffee we also have a rabbit that my Dad has made in an apparently Kashubian way, which tastes really cool. As I told you before Mum has also made a mole cake, and we still have a lot of blueberries as we bought a lot of them. And there are some muffins with raspberries as well. So make yourself comfortable and grab whatever you’d like to drink and eat.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you Zofijka has been on a trip with some of our Mum’s family, they were in the mountains, in Lower silesia. They are coming back today, and I think she’ll be home pretty soon. It’s good, but it was also really good without Zofijka, so calm and quiet, and we bonded some more with Misha, it really feels like he opened for me more, and is more trustful. Mum has less to do as well, and less to worry about. Misha is currently sleeping in my room in his little bed, he’s sleeping just like a baby. My uncle has come to Dad to help him do some technical stuff o the backyard, and he came in the house for a while, and scared Misha to death. He is so loud, jovialΒ  and very extroverted, like when he’s talking “normally”, he’s just shouting, which annoys me greatly as well, but some people just seem to be so haha, anyway Misha was the first being he stumbled upon in the house and started screaming – Kitty!!! Kitty! What a lovely kitty you are!!! Come here! – but Misha ran away and escaped to my room. A very wise decision, screamers are never ever allowed in here. This little incident seemed to exhaust him completely, ’cause he just literally crawled up to his bed and fell down on it. He’s just my boy hahaha, poor child. He looks so cute in his sleep.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you once again that my crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys has released his new album on Thursday and I am so damn excited and having a major crush peak. It feels so good having a crush peak. Life would be so much more boring without having crushes haha. I think I’d dwell on it for much longer if we were really having coffee. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I already wrote to two Polish magazines with the offer that I could write articles about names for them. One is a parenting magazine, and I know they’ve tried doing something with names in the past, but the effects, in my own opinion, were rather miserable. And the other is astrological/paranormal, you name it, generally a magazine for women. I actually didn’t plan to write to them, but my Mum told me I could, and write about the influence of names on personalities. I’m anxiously, or rather impatiently, I’m not that very anxious about it at least now, awaiting any response from them. I have no idea technically about writing articles for magazines and I don’t know anything about all the procedures they might have, but I hope it’ll work out. I have many ideas on name related articles so maybe something will interest them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we will be having two parties next week. One is my aunt’s 40th birthday, and one is my Mum’s nameday. My Mum is planning to make a bonfire, and I don’t know anything about my aunt’s plans, but knowing her, I would be greatly surprised if she wouldn’t do anything spectacular. I’m quite anxious about it if I’m honest, though I don’t know yet whether I’ll actually go to my aunt’s. Another thing I’m pretty anxious about is the fact that my Mum will be having all the tests for coeliac disease done next week. I’m anxious about her results. Like I know something’s wrong with her health for sure, and most likely it’s some absorbtion disorder, but, quite unlike me, I still hope it’s not coeliac disease, despite quite obvious evidence. Maybe it’s just gluten intolerance? But, does it really make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things? She hasn’t felt the best lately, so on the other hand I am actually looking forward to these tests.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s freakin’ hot today. and awfully humid. We’ve had a lot of rains lately, and while most of Europe was roasting in the recent few weeks, we’ve been in quite good situation, having warm, but usually not too hot weather. But since a few days it’s awfully hot. It makes me feel sluggish and my brain, I mean head obviously, hurts like I’m going to get a migraine, but I hope that won’t happen, I’ve just had a migraine last week, I usually don’t have them so often.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ll be having feet massage next week. Just for relaxation. And my Mum too. Not at our massage therapist’s, in a different place, but anyway I am pretty curious and looking forward to it. It’ll apparently be Thai massage.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s likely we’ll go to the sea tomorrow. Well unless I won’t get a migraine. πŸ˜€ Then I won’t go for sure.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we have a lot of fruit and vegetables now in our garden. While Dad is caring for the vegetables, as it seems to be his new passion, and they don’t require much preserving or anything, Mum is constantly making juices, preserves, jams, jellies etc. We have particularly a lot of currants. I’ve been helping Mum a lot in the garden as there is really a lot to pick, and my Mum isn’t particularly into gardening and stuff, but as she says it’s always beter to have your own fruit, plus she’s having spine issues. I help her with processing it all too if I can, yesterday we spent a whole afternoon picking currants and making juice. Usually Zofijka is the one who helps her because Zofijka likes gardening, but since now Zofijka isn’t home, I help her. We’ve been having lots of interesting and funny conversations meanwhile.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share – Eclectic Alli

 

Anyone up for a cuppa? πŸ™‚ Me, definitely so! Although I’ve had one before.

But I didn’t get any sleep last night, so for me it’s normal that I can’t live without coffee then.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask each one of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d like to thank those of you who supported me on Thursday when I was in so much anxiety. If you’d like to catch up on what happened to get what I’m writing about and what’s beenΒ  such a big deal for me, read this post.

And even if we weren’t having coffee, I’d like to thank all of you for your support, it means so so much to me. This past week wasn’t the worst, but it was a bit scary sometimes, for some reason my anxiety was really through the roof sometimes. And today it isn’t the best either, but it’s much better now and I manage. Plus who isn’t anxious when having a Zombie day? Even normal people are, I guess, even just a bit. As for my emetophobia, it stayed with me for quite a while after that incident, I’m so happy nothing major happened to Zofijka’s friend, but I couldn’t eat anything at all until the next DAY when I woke up, and I had some emetophobic dreams, very yucky, my brain can be really inventive sometimes when it comes to creating dreams, full respect to it for that, even I don’t think I could ever be as inventive as my brain is with some of my dreams.

And, as for that appointment with massage therapist, ugh, I was very very very scared. I just had so much crappy experience with all sorts of orthopaedists, physiotherapists, surgeons, massage therapists, naah… I’m not gonna talk about it now, I told you a bit in that earlier post and that’s already quite a lot I think. And I was just sure it’s gonna be just the same. But the more rational part of me wanted to go to see if he can help me maybe do better at horse riding, or the Tibetan exercises. I was shaky, but I went there although I wuld most gladly not do it. And it turned out that I indeed did a good thig going there. This guy, and how he approached me, was completely different than I expected. I thought he’d be just like everyone of similar profession before, very condescending, talking to my Mum instead of me, and looking at me as a museum exhibit and scaring the shit out of me way more than necessary, if it’s necessary at all.

At first I waited while he massaged my Mum. I brought my book with me, but it turned out useless, because I really engaged in the conversation they both had. I mostly listened, but it was very interesting. Mum’s massage therapist is from Ukraine, and apart from being a massage therapist he’s also a physician, iridologist and such, I’d say a bit like a quake, but with a medical education. And they talked about many interesting things. Mostly my Mum – who is very interested in lifestyle asked him about what he thinks about different things that she does or uses to improve her health, and he also was describing to us how e’s working with people as a hypnotherapist, which was fascinating to listen to, even though I’m not that much convinced that hypnotherapy could work, but still, I like to hear different people’s opinions on such things. He seemed very laid back and communicative overall, and I knew why Mum told I’ll like him, we both generally like versatile people.

Then it was time for me. I was very very very scared. He wanted to look at me at first so he could see if and how my muscles are indeed contracted. I felt very exposed, I’m not really comfortable with people studying me like that, but luckily it didn’t last long, and I don’t think my anxiety was very visible. He told me that yes, I do have some muscles very tense but it’s probably just stress-related. So my Mum felt relieved because she thought it’s something serious. Then he looked at my feet and he said there can’t be much done now, but it’s not that bad as it could be and he doesn’t understand all the drama the other doctors have made about it if it’s not painful for me in normal life circumstances. Like sure it is a defect but way too small to make so much fuss about it. Oh, that was just how I’ve been always feeling about it, but of course have never told anyone abut it, because, apparently, health professionals should know their business and what they do and why, so who I or my Mum was to argue. So then he told me that it would be good if I had massages from time to time just to relax my muscles and my body and my brain So I agreed and then he massaged me for like an hour.

I wasn’t triggered anymore, so I started to feel like the anxiety is letting out of me slowly, and the massage really helped me to relax, in fact at one point when no one of us talked I almost fell asleep, even though it was rather dynamic. We talked about people’s brains, and our cat who is Misha and his brother who is Misha too and how similar they are. He gave me many advices. He told me that I am “way too skinny”, which, well, actually doesn’t bother me and I don’t know what to do about it to change it, I don’t stick to any restrictive diet, well any diet at all, other than eat whatever you want, well except for my emetophobic quirks, I don’t move more than I want to or have to, and that’s one of the reasons why I actually don’t believe I could have hypothyroidism, just only hypopituitarism. After some long discussion he agreed with me that I could be misdiagnosed or “overdiagnosed” in childhood, and that let us all to discussing our health services and health services across the Europe, actually, and then we even talked about politics. I hate smalltalking with people I don’t know, so it started to feel much more at ease that we talked about something speciffic. πŸ˜€ He gave me a lot of advices as for what I should eat to gain some more weight in a healthy way, well, we’ll try how it works. And he told me how I can naturally deal with low blood pressure, and my Mum too. Then my Mum talked to him about her most favurite topic which is honestly becoming very boring to me lately because she’s constantly nagging at me about it – namely vitamin D. And by the way he told me something I was really glad to hear, that I don’t have to sit directly on the sun and roast like my Mum to get vitamin D. Actually I shouldn’t, my Mum has a very dark complexion in comparison to me, so for her it’s OK, but I should apparently rather sit in more shady places and that apparently when the sun light is reflecting for example through the trees it still can give you vitamin D. So I can still stay my Gothic self while getting enough vitamin D. πŸ˜€ I really don’t feel like myself with the sunburn. πŸ˜€ So it was a huge relief. And OMG I made a shocking discovery I love when people massage my feet. Later on I told Mum about it that it felt so cool, and she told me that when I was a baby she was massaging my feet because she heard that when you press on some places on your feet you can stimulate optic nerve via acupressure or something like that, and, ya know, she was desperate for me to see, obviously, so maybe that’s why I like it so much if she did it so often. And she laughed that when I’ll finally start to look for a husband, I should not only look for a Jack with both Viking and Celtic blood, but also for a Jack, who would be eager to massage my feet. πŸ˜€ Lol that’s undoubtedly something to consider, if I’ll be ever looking for my Jack seriously. πŸ˜€ I have been to other massage therapists before and of course since I have issues with feet I’ve had feet massages, but they were mainly to stretch my legs muscles, and it hurt like hell, so that afterwards I felt like a jelly and could barely walk normally.

Anyway, afterwards, I felt like most of the anxiety I had was gone. I was so glad it wasn’t so triggering as I thought it’d be assuming from my previous experiences, I would never expect that. He told me that if I’ll feel a lot of tension I can come back and after like four sessions I should definitely see some difference. Honestly I’m a bit skeptical, because I’ve been so tense and hypervigilant all my life that I don’t really know how it is to feel otherwise, but that sounds very cool.

On the way back we got chips – a certainly very healthy food that will help me gain weight healthily, but, oh, wel, we just wanted to have chips, who cares.

I actually thought I’d sleep just fine after so much relaxation but also stimulation for my muscles, I was exhausted as we got home, but for some reason I couldn’t. My Mum couldn’t as well though (a very rare thing for her, she’s normally a heavy sleeper).

As I wrote you in last post, we have some issues with Dad recently, but I won’t go int it now since I’ve already wrote about it. That’s just soo annoying.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we’ll probably have a bonfire tonight. I don’t know though whether I’ll be there with them, depends how I’ll be functioning in the evening without sleep and how late it will be, there will be some Dad’s family, so I wouldn’t like to fall asleep and fall off the bench in front of them, they’re always so judgmental I can imagine them anxiously making suspicions that I have to be addicted to something and trying to guess what could it be. πŸ˜€ No of course I’m trying to kid rather poorly, but I don’t think I’ll be in the mood to talk to people and laugh at their poor jokes when the only thing I’ll be thinking about will be sleep.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that holidays have finally started for everyone f us, not just for me. Zofijka and Olek got their diplomas and Olek has officially graduated and is a car mechanic. I really hope he’ll find a good job and will be able to do something interesting for him in life.

Oh, and if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday I made another interesting discovery – I can understand MORE Welsh. Like, I started level 3 of my course, and, without some more sophisticated words, and with some deduction and more focusing, I can pretty much understand the news on BBC Radio Cymru. YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! That was so rewarding. I didn’t feel any major progress in months until now, and it started to feel a little, little bit frustrating. Not like I’m not prepared or familiar with frustration related to learning a language so even if I wouldn’t see any progress in the next few months I wouldn’t give up, but it felt good that finally I was able to see something is really going forward. Though, have I told you I’m planning to get some additional Swedish lessons online? When I’m reading something more intellectual, I feel like my linguistic skills are often not enough, I have to check up so many things yet. I would like to polish it a bit more, to make it more natural, get more vocabulary in, and there still are some little grammar things that always confuse me. Oh but I guess I was writing abut it before.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that my parents’ friend’s mum has died. They went to her funeral today. I am at home with Zofijka and Misha. Zofijka’s fascination with skunks is flourishing! She’s starting to notice though how niche her interest is. Recently she was looking for a skunk emoji, and couldn’t find any. That’s the life of a freak. πŸ˜€ Well I don’t think she’s one, she’s a fairly typical girl her age besides those skunks, but at least now she has a choice and can choose herself, what she wants to be. Although there was a period in my life when I was quite a typical girl too (what? you don’t believe me?! :O ), I really was, and when I finally saw how it is to be different, I chose to be different.

OK, so that’s it from me today, I think.

What would YOU tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s

So it’s another weekend and let’s have some coffee guys, although I’d rather suggest ice coffee, it’s incredibly hot here, 30 degrees C. or something like this. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I am really looking forward to some cooler temps. I’m not the best at tolerating the heat so not feeling the best physically this week. I’ve suspended the Tibetan exercises until it will cool down and did them only on Monday. My room is the hottest in the whole house, it always warms up in the afternoon, luckily I have an air conditioner now and it’s on from like 3 PM until the morning. I am glad the weather is nice but a bit exhausted with the temps above 30 C in the end of May and the beginning of June. What pisses me off is that always when it’s so hot my blood pressure seems to go even more down than it’s normally and so my energy is almost non existent. Misha’s sleeping most of the time and my Mum who also has constantly low blood pressure and low tolerance to the heat feels crappy too. We’d be really glad to have a little storm and some rain.

If we were having coffee I would tell you I had an awful migraine on Wednesday. I think it was because of the heat. I spent almost the whole day in Mum’s room which seems to be the coldest one and either sleeping or just existing. I actually didn’t think it would be a full migraine, I just felt some little headache in the morning, but it got much stronger very quickly. What I hate about migraines other than just having it and being in pain and stuff is that usually when I get it I also have some scary dreams. And this time wasn’t an exception, although luckily I didn’t slip into the sleep paralysis and those very very dark dreams, they were just exhausting and weird and definitely not good. I felt better in the afternoon though and was completely free of pain in the evening. I decided to do some creative stuff, despite my brain melting successively and worked on one of Vreeswijk’s poems, which I started translating to Polish months ago. It is so frustrating, so far I have only a few of them done, I started a couple of them already but can’t finish any. I haven’t finished ANYTHING this year, guess I was too low most of the time even when I had some more time for it hypothetically. It drives me crazy that it seems that when I translate his poems, I can get through some part smoothly and then I always get stuck somewhere. But with this one – “Balladen Om Bonden Och DjΓ€vulen” (The Ballad About The Peasant And The Devil) I’m very near the end now. Despite I find it rather hard – masculine rhymes, which are so common in Swedish, but not as much in Polish, but since this poem is also his song I thought I should leave the original structure of verses, and his very unique style which was kinda hard for me to transfer into Polish in case of this poem, but at least no word games this time. This is a funny, folkloristic ballad about the peasant who is visited by the devil and he complains to the devil that he has gotten old and unappealing, while his wife is young and beautiful and he’s jealous of young men’s youth and he asks the devil to help him keep his wife by his side, so that she’d love and desire only him and the devil helps him, supposedly. I really miss those times when I translated more of him, and was very productive with doing it. So I really really hope that I’ll be able to finish this one soon and the final effect won’t be too rubbish. Then I’d like start to work with his “Veronica”, although this one is a real masterpiece so I’m not sure how it’ll go and I think it would take me a lot of time. I’m a little anxious about it, because what if I foozle it completely… but at the same time I really want to try because I know no one else would do it in Polish, and I’m curious whether I can manage it. Or if not “Veronica” I might go with a short but powerful poem called “HemstΓ€llan” which is about death and really speaks to me, but looks lke there is a word in it that is hardly translatable into Polish. I think I could go much further with translating his works if I wouldn’t be so intimidated that I may fuck it up or that translating his poems to Polish is pointless and that my dream just can’t come true. But I still am, maybe because I can’t judge my translations objectively. I tried to show them to my Swedish teacher back when he was teachingΒ  me but I feel like he can’t be objective too, well I was his best student and he wasn’t really used to having students translating Swedish poetry, so any time I showed something to him he was shocked and wondered how I do it which I can’t explain because it’s usually very spontaneously. And I feel like he never saw any flaws to my translations, other than some very glaring ones, which was always a bit confusing for me. There was my friend Jacek – the one with whom we made up the novel about Ragnarok and the viking gods – and he spoke Swedish, but sadly I can no longer ask him for any advices… Although back then he was very constructive whenever I showed him something I’ve translated. But I actually don’t know whether it’s really the problem that no one can be objective or just my AVPD goes in the way and makes me think that there’s no way at all I can do it right, which, I suppose, might also be possible. So anyway guys, please wish me luck with that ballad, it’s really short, but I’ve been dilly-dallying with it for so long that now when I finally got a bit forward I’d love to get through it and do it well.

On Thursday morning I had a blood test planned to check how my thyroid hormones are doing and had to get up at 6:30 to have it done, but because I slept so much during the day because of the migraine, I had a sleepless night, then I finally fell asleep at 5 AM so Mum decided I shouldn’t go anywhere and be a Zombie and she rescheduled it. after the blood test we planned to go to the church because it was Corpus Christi holiday and we wanted to do it possibly early because of the heat, but finally they went without me and I just listened to the Mass in the radio later on. Then they went out again to take part in the procession, but me and Mum stayed home because it was really hot and we didn’t want to risk fainting in public, that would be scary. πŸ˜€ In the evening some of Dad’s family came and we were barbecuing, although I wasn’t with them for a long time because it was just so boring so I helped Mum out in the kitchen a bit.

Yesterday I had an awful morning. I woke up around 9, but didn’t feel like getting up, didn’t have anything necessary to do and not much energy and there was no one else at home except my Mum and Misha who were also napping, so I stayed in bed and I did one challenge of my Welsh course, well I didn’t finish it because suddenly I felt somehow very tired and exhausted, definitely not as if I just woke up. Soon I fell asleep again, or rather in a sort of lethargy, with some very weird and enigmatic dreams. But I know that even in those dreams I felt incredibly weak and tired and wondered why. Then I woke up around noon and was really concerned. I just felt so… faint, wiped out, weak, dunno… like I just ran a marathon, haven’t eaten for weeks and was very sick, all together. Even turning in bed was a bit of a challenge. I was dizzy, shaky, sweating and unable to do anything. my pulse was racing And my mind felt lethargic and a bit foggy. After some time, don’t know how much really, Mum came in to my room and told me it’s noon and that we slept really long and that maybe I”d get up already. Hmmmmmm, good sugestion, but… easier said than done. I just couldn’t imagine how I could make such a heroic effort as getting up. But maybe if I got up, ate something, drank a coffee, things would get better? I motivated myself, prepared for the effort for like 15 minutes, then finally managed to sit on the bed. I thought maybe it would be wise if I drank something first, well it’s hot, and we had a lot of salty and spicy stuff in the evening at the barbecue, and I hadn’t drank much then, maybe I’m a bit dehydrated, well I doubted that I can be so very dehydrated to feel this way, apart from the evening I was drinking something almost all the time, but who knows… That thought made my fucking emetophobia kick in. But I wasn’t even strong enough to feel very anxious. I made another considerable effort to reach the glass of water I had on my bedside table. My hands were shaky as if I was a drunkard in intense delirium or something, the part of my mind that was working more efficiently was very concerned that I may soon pour everything over my bed and my precious PlexTalk. It all was taking me ridiculous amounts of time and deep down I felt kinda scared. I even thought about calling my Mum to help me out somehow, but thought that when I’ll call her, she’ll freak out and I’ll freak out too, ’cause it will feel like it’s too bad to manage it on my own so something really concerning is going on, plus I thought I have too little energy to waste it on screaming. As I was drinking the water very slowly, stopping every now and then, I just remembered my Finnish pen pal named Sohvi. Sohvi’s biggest passion is painting, she’s sent me some of her paintings’ photos and my Mum saw them and described them to me and said they seem really good. She could be a professional painter, but can’t, because she has M.E and POTS and I remembered how she wrote me that on her significantly bad days she’s actually unable to do anything and just lies in bed because even sitting can make her dizzy and is too exhausting. So the only times when she can paint or do anything else around the house are when she has her better days. It always seemed so sad for me that she can’t fulfill herself being such a wise and sensitive person as she is. I am quite an empathetic person and my imagination is very fertile so I could imagine how she has to feel on her bad days, but now it felt like a horrifically similar experience, for me personally, not like I know exactly how it is to struggle with these conditions. My imagination started to work. So what? Am I going to end up as Sohvi so suddenly? And what then? I will never translate Vreeswijk’s poems for Polish people, I will never write that novel about the viking gods, my blog will be just hanging in the blogosphere, waiting for the day when I’ll be able to write anything, and my languages… Well that seemed rather saddening. Actually I had similar things happening to me before a few times that I woke up so faint and exhausted but never as intense. It was usually due to too low blood pressure or when I was sick or at some point at the boarding school when my brain was completely screwed up from all the anxiety, stress etc. and I ate very little because of my emetophobia and because I cared very little about and for myself in general. When I drank the water I still had enough ambition to get up, but my body was stronger than me and I just fell on the bed again. Finally I found the strength to get up, didn’t evenΒ  get dressed, although was incredibly dizzy, but managed to get downstairs by some miracle, and then find Mum in the cellar. I told Mum I think something’s wrong with me like I have low blood pressure or sugar or maybe something is going on with me because of the heat, and that I am completely wiped out and actually feel like I’m gonna faint anytime. Mum helped me, or rather dragged me to the kitchen and made me breakfast and then I felt more manageable. I showered, had a black coffee, then two big glasses of Mum’s orange juice and felt almost OK and definitely functional. Although when Mum measured my blood pressure it was still very low and for the whole day I felt dizzy and faint while standing and if I stood for longer it felt really unpleasant. My Mum also wasn’t feeling the best though. I think it’s all because of this heat. Anyway, I’m glad I’m OK now, but it was a bit scary, to just wake up and not be able to do anything, some part of me was really so anxious that almost sure that from now on I’m gonna share Sohvi’s fate although it was ridiculous to think so cos I guess such things don’t happen during one night.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you today Zofijka went to the Jump City with her cousin. It’s because it was Children’s Day yesterday. Zofijka is a kind of kid who always seeks for more adrenaline and likes when a lot of stuff happens around her, and she seemed happy. What I am kind of disappointed about is that those skunk slippers I bought her for her birthday still haven’t come. I hoped maybe I’ll be able to give them to her on Friday, but seems like their road is very long. Tomorrow I’m gonna be home alone for most of the day, Dad is going to work somewhere further and Mum is going with him – he’s a tank driver for those of you who don’t remember and sometimes he takes someone of us with him – and Zofijka is going on the beach with our cousins, and Olek is working. Don’t really know what I will be doing though.

OK, so that would be all from me.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We WeRE Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Time for another Weekend Coffee Share

hosted by Eclectic Alli.

If we were having coffee, assuming it would take place in my house, you’d hear children screaming, running and playing. Zofijka is having her birthday party for her friends and cousins. TOmorrow she’ll make a more serious one, with dinner and all, for her God parents and grandparents. It’s a pity those skunk slippers I got for her haven’t arrived yet, but hope it’ll happen soon and that she’ll like them. Today I’ve heard her confiding to one of her friends how much she likes skunks, and they now call her Sophie Skunk. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we have Mother’s Day today, so, happy Mother’s Day to all of you mummies. πŸ™‚ Never mind that for most of you your actual Mother’s Day has already passed this year, let’s celebrate once again. So if you consider yourself a mum – be it a mum for your own children, heart mum for someone, adoptive mum, mum to be, pet mum or any other kind of mummy, feel free to have some extra coffee and an extra muffin. Yes, we have muffins today because of Mother’s Day. They’re shop bought but still. Very yummy. And we have lots of other stuff – a very yummy, homemade chicken soup with dumplings, jelly with grapes and strawberries, Zofijka’s yucky Soy Luna birthday cake, well I haven’t tried it, it’s for the kids, but all those shop bought overly decorative birthday cakes for kids are always yucky and from what this one apparently looks like, I wouldn’t expect it to be different. But we also have some nice sponge cake with strawberries and other stuff that my Mum has made and it’s brilliant. And a lot of fruit and other things. So well, help yourself, particularly all the mummies here.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I bought my Mum a new speaker which she can connect to her phone and play her own music in the kitchen. She always wanted to be able to listen to something else than just the radio, like her Spotify or something, so hope she’ll be happy, but it haven’t arrived yet either.

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m not doing the best moodwise today. Don’t really know what happened, I just woke up and felt like again I’m slipping into that awful hole from where I’ve barely got out recently. I know I had some yucky dreams tonight and maybe that’s what pushed me down, and then some thing happened later on today that made my slip ride even quicker. I’m not down there yet and managed to stop the slide somewhere at the beginning of the last lap though so that’s good at least now I’m wondering which way I’ll go from here, up or down into the hole again. Of course I hope for the first, the more that I’ve been feeling really good over the last week, but guess nothing lasts forever, meh that’shit you have to feel blah for most of the time, but that seems to be the main rule for my flippin’ brain. Anyways…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Misha’s with me all the time today. The kids are playing on the balcony and Misha can’t go there because then he jumps on the roof and Misha is generally crazy in the fresh air, poor child, and there would be no one to keep an eye on him there in all the comotion we have here today, so Mum told me to close him in my room and so I did. Thought he won’t be glad of it, but he just went to bed and still is sleeping very heavily. Guess he didn’t sleep the best at night, I don’t know where he was then, not with me anyway and not in any of the hideouts that I know of. He’s so so sweet when he’s sleeping.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday there have been new books added to our Polish digital library for the blind and there was one I literally couldn’t wait for, the new book by MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz. MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz is one of my most favourite writers, I absolutely love her series “JeΕΌycjada”, and my Mum told me a few months ago that she’d seen her new book in the bookshop. I knew it will be in our library because all the books by Musierowicz are and they are scanned and added pretty quickly, but it seemed so long for me and I just couldn’t wait. My Mum suggested that maybe we could read it together which I’d be very happy about, but finally it didn’t happen. Plus my Mum isn’t a good reader, whenever she starts reading a book, her eyes become heavy and she feels sleepy, so reads a single book for quite a long time so I felt that the book will be available for me maybe even before we’d get to half of it. And yesterday it came! And I’m reading it right now. Maybe Musierowicz is the one whom I should be thankful too that I haven’t yet slipped down into my gloomy hole. Her books are always so full of warmth, happiness and yes, positivity, but not the kind of positivity you usually think of while hearing this word, a foolish optimism, kinda artificial one and for all means, just to not be negative. It’s very natural so that when you read her books you just have to smile or even laugh at times. And you get a lot of stuff to ponder on, during and after the reading so your brain has something more productive to do than overthinking, overanalysing, rethinking, freaking out, overloading itself etc. And you get hungry immediately, they eat so so so many yummy things. They are so many that she’s even written a whole book with recipes of the dishes her characters eat. I only wish her books were longer. They read so quickly. You want to read more and more and more and suddenly it’s over. There aren’t many other writers that I love as much as Musierowicz. and I know her in person and I’ve even been to her and I was in her house and it was sooo cool.

So how are you doing guys? What happened to you this week? πŸ™‚ What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Anyone up for coffee? Eclectic Ali, who hosts Weekend Coffee Share over at

https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/05/18/weekendcoffeeshare-tea-and-scones/ has scones for her visitors this week. I don’t, but I have an apple pie. πŸ˜€ So be so nice and have at least some apple pie with me, if the hour is too late for coffee for you and you’re afraid you won’t sleep, I can get some tea if you prefer. Or kefir. Or whatever.

If we were having coffee, I’d traditionally ask each one of you how you’re doing.

If we were having coffee I’d ramble for quite a while about how relieved and happy I am because of my finals being over. It was so exhausting, it’s so good to be free from this shit…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m having a very nice weekend, feeling really upbeat as for my standards. Wonder how long this graduating euphoria will fuel me. πŸ˜€ I guess until I fully realise I have nothing to do with myself. I plan on having a yearly break from any further education in the formal sense of this word, but still would like to make something possibly constructive out of it. Yesterday at night I had some shitty dreams, like most of them were some semi-fictional reminiscences of the last few weeks filled with exams, but despite it when I woke up yesterday I felt very rested, which was good because I hadn’t slept really well for quite a while, planned on sleeping off on Friday night but Zofijka desperately wanted to sleep with me and I can never sleep well with someone, so it had to wait. As I woke up I felt just like most people probably feel when they realise it’s the first day of their vacation/holidays, with the difference it was my second. Zofijka was very bored and was getting on my nerves a lot yesterday, she is always extremely annoying and absorbing when bored, but she got some things to do in the afternoon. My grandparents came over for lunch. My grandparents sell eggs and on Saturdays they always go to their customers in our area so at the end they always come to us and Mum has always lunch for them. They congratulated me for my oral exams results and were so over the moon with them. I wonder what my gramma will be like if it turns out that I didn’t pass the math one and that I’m not gonna redo it, she was so excited, but I think it could be a bit of a problem for her to accept it. Not like I’m gonna worry about it a lot, but just wouldn’t like her to be worried too much and wouldn’t like her to make a drama about it because she wasn’t prepared for it. So I told them those are still only orals results and it will take a while until we’ll know everything. I know my grandad won’t have any issues with it thoug. We chatted while having lunch. Zofijka was supposed to have Maths, but it was delayed so she went out to get some ice cream for us and to let her energy out. When grandparents left, our – or rather Zofijka’s now – maths tutor arrived. Gosh I still can’t believe my collaboration with her is truly over. I haven’t talked to her this week yet, I know she will be asking about how I feel about my math exam and how I think it went, and I just don’t know what to say, because it was just a pure improvisation. Another miracle will be needed if I want to get the minimum – 30% of it. We’ll just see what the future brings. My parents went to my uncle for a barbeque in th evening.

Today I am also having a very nice day. I didn’t sleep as well as yesterday because I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, but I don’t feel sleepy or anything.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I decided on making some change in my lifestyle. A few months ago my Mum discovered a book –
“Ancient Secret Of The Fountain Of Youth” by Peter Kelder – and started to practice five Tibetan rites. If you’re not familiar with this term, I’ll just tell you it is a system of exercises that are said to help your overall wellbeing, and, what’s most important for most people doing them, they are claimed to have rejuvenating properties. I was actually shocked when my Mum told me she’s doing them. We are Christian, and yoga is said to be something spiritually dangerous according to the Christian religion, , the Church says you cannot separate the exercises from their spiritual context and you open your mind for the philosophy behind it, which is simply not being faithful cause well you can’t be Christian and buddhist at the same time. I was never particularly interested in yoga, it was something very distant from my interests, so I just accepted it as it is, even though I am not the one who blindly follows all the prohibitions of the Church, since some of them just aren’t well-founded enough and it’s hard to say what they are based on, I just always want to make my own opinion on things before I say it’s bad if it interests me, unless the evidence is clear. Yoga though was one of the things on which I agreed that can be dangerous. I’ve only known people who were either atheists, or very lost in their spiritual life, who were practicing yoga. I had always an impression they’re very calm, but something inside of them definitely isn’t. I’ve heard stories about people living in buddhist monasteries and practicing yoga and going very deep into it, and then being enslaved by the devil, having lots of spiritual hardships and various complex issues showing up in their lives, paradoxically losing their peace of mind and complacency which yoga is said to build up. ANd that sounded rather scary. Plus all these positions that represent and symbolise various aspects of buddhism and make you, consciously or not, practically glorify another God with your body. That didn’t sound appealing. I always thought about people doing yoga as either anointed yogis, or people that are kind of lost in their lives, are searching for some sort of help, peace of mind, and don’t quite know which way to go, maybe don’t have their own clear views on things, or the opposite, want to try out anything possible either for fun or for wellbeing and in search of happiness. And now my Mum is another yoga freak. That’s too awful.

I talked to her about how yoga is considered a bad thing by the Church and was wondering what’s wrong with her, her who always seemed to know, where’s the border between a real danger or something worthless and shitty and just bad, and something that is demonised and exaggerated. She always had this kind of instinct or maybe just sensibility, that was guiding her and showing her what is OK, and where some cautiousness would be needed. But my Mum said she doesn’t approach it as something yoga-based, she doesn’t care about the philosophy behind it, all that bullshit about chakras and good and bad energy, they are just good exercises, and she is sure that if someone has a healthy approach to it, doesn’t go to deep in their mind while doing it, they can only be good for you. She said that from the moment she first read about it she knew it’s something for her. She was searching for something really good and anti-aging, and she believes that what they refer to as chakras, energetic channels and stuff, is simply our hormonal system, and that’s what it works for, but not only. And first of all, you can’t call it rites, ’cause it sounds ridiculous and only appropriate if you also combine the exercises with some sort of meditation or stuff. I was rather scared and pissed off because of her extreme changeability, and not really convinced by her arguments.

What convinced me that there is really something in it was how my Mum started to change. What striked me first was how optimistic she became shortly after starting practicing these exercises. I mean, she was always optimistic, but since she started them, she’s become like more cheerful, serene, less worrisome, more living in the present, coping better with everyday issues that were more troublesome for her before, like in relationships, being more compassionate, more patient –
she was usually an easily annoyed person – appreciating small things more than before, started to seem drawn to nature more than before, more energetic, and her optimism seems somewhat infectious. It wasn’t a one big change happening during one day, it was going gradually, but since I know her very well and because she was talking to me a lot about her feelings about these exercises, I was able to notice a lot of change. She also told me she doesn’t have any cravings now, like for sweets, eats less and only when she’s hungry, and therefore she loves to eat as never before. Her biological clock has reset, and now she has slightly odd hours of functioning as for these days. She wakes up almost every day with the sunrise, so now it’s usually like 5:30, feels slightly sleepy and like having a nap about 3 PM, and then usually goes to sleep at 10 and falls asleep almost immediately and sleeps well. Apparently her climacteric symptoms are gone. My Mum is suspected to have coeliac disease and some doctors told her that this disease, or actually eating wrong food may make her tired. She had been dealing with a lot of fatigue and couldn’t get what’s causing it. It isn’t fully gone now, but she says it’s visibly better. In the past, I could notice multiple times that she had times when she was very forgetful, sometimes even a little brain fogged, easily distracted, I was very worried about it that it may be some early trailer to some bigger future memory issues. But now she haven’t had such issues for a while. She says she can think very clearly, and like her brain also got kinda general reset. She says it’s easier for her to pray, paradoxically, and that she is generally more focused on things. There are many more other benefits she has noticed over these past few months, I was talking to her just before writing this post to kind of summarise all that and she just bombed me with a ton of different observations. And she became actually addicted to these exercises. πŸ˜€ TO the point that even when we were riding back and forth for these exams, she was getting up half an hour earlier to exercise. Well I’ve heard some people say when you are addicted to anything, whether it’s generally good or bad, it takes away your freedom from you and you become enslaved. But if we will look this way at people and our freedom, then freedom is something boring, I think. Most of us are addicted either to reading, or to our loved music, or favourite activity, or other passions. and that gives our lives some meaning. If we’ll look at freedom this way, there’s no freedom in this earthly life for us. ‘Cause we all have our passions, habits, limitations, we all have to adjust to other people, rules, our social groups, other circumstances, we can’t be completely free in such understanding of freedom. SO that being said, what’s wrong with such good addiction? I’ve been observing my Mum for all these months she’s exercising, quite worried and anxious that maybe it may ruin her relationship with God, but in fact it looks like it’s the opposite. and she looks blooming now.

And during my exam session, not for finals but my last exams at school, I started to think that it could be something good for me. As I am not riding regularly now, I practically don’t have any regular physical activity. And I would definitely need some to keep my muscles fit. But what’s more important, Mum has been reading to me about various properties of the five rites and it looks like there are many benefits for our mental health. And if you believe in what they say, it’s not only about the endorphines releasing. I think I ned to focus more on my mental health. I was ignoring it for way too many years in the past. And there may be other things I can benefit from these exercises.

So I told Mum ‘m gonna do them with her and she was like oh wow I can’t believe it that’s so good! That was quite a surprising decision even for myself. But I feel like it’s the right one.

I started doing the five Tibetan rites on Friday. My Mum does them twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening before 6, but I do them only in the morning, at least now. When I have some more physical activity in the evening, I’ve noticed it’s often very hard for me to fall asleep at night, so I don’t want to risk at least for now, my sleep is messed up enough. I’m doing these exercises now more like an experiment now, but if I’ll see some changes, I’ll definitely stick to them. They seem very easy, but they aren’t. Right now, I do 5 repeatings of every exercise, the maximum is 21 times, and you have to increase it gradually, depending on just how you feel, if you feel like increasing, you do it, and then you stick with it until you can do more and more. My Mum is already on 21 repeatings. For me though, it will surely take much more time to get there. The exercises seem easy, almost ridiculous, but they’re hard to do. For me, the first rite is most difficult, because of my coordination issues. You have to at the same time raise your head so that your chin touches your chest, while having your back on the ground, raise your straightened legs at the same time, and coordinate your breathing with it, so that when you raise your head and legs, you breathe in with your nose, and when you relax, breathe out with your mouth. For me, all that all at once is extremely hard to do and raising up my head with back sticking to the ground isn’t easy either now. It’s even more hard because of my Achilles tendons being shortened. I told you I had surgery for it when I was 10, but it was shit and didn’t really help. Because of them being shortened, I can’t fully straighten my legs while having them both raised, and I can’t sit on the floor with my legs being fully straightened and backs of my knees touching the ground, I just feel like they are blocked or when I try to do it, it just damn hurts. SO right now I’m doing the exercises as I can, hoping I’ll be able to do them more accurately with time. Before you start doing the actual exercises, they say you should spin around for as many times as many repeatings of exercises you do. That’s also rather challenging for me now because I get dizzy very easily and my balance is shitty. I get vertigo often in various circumstances e.g. when I have very high anxiety, and that makes me even more anxious, because I feel not safe, plus it triggers my emetophobia, ’cause, you know, you get dizzy, then you can get nauseous of it, and… anything could happen, right? πŸ˜€ And that in turn makes my anxiety and vertigo even worse. SO yeah, I hate that spinning thing, but at least I’m doing it on the mat so I know that as long as I’m on it, everything’s right and I know where I am, plus my Mum is with me because I am very very very dizzy after those 5 spins. The five rites are all about good breathing, which I like. My breathing isn’t the best, especially when I’m stressed, and I hope to improve my breathing techniques as I progress. I also noticed, much to my surprise, that if I am breathing properly, I can regulate my vertigo. Though when you think about it it’s not very surprising. My dizziness is very often just anxiety induced, so the higher anxiety, the higher the vertigo can be, and also the higher is my anxiety, the worse and more shallow is my breathing. So when I was spinning for the first time on Friday and then finished and was so very dizzy I could barely stand on my own, Mum told me to breathe deeply and I was surprised to find out that if I breathe deeper, and properly it calms down faster than normal and I can have some control over it.

My muscles are pretty sore now, especially in my higher back and neck, and my abdominal muscles, but not so that it’s a big discomfort, I’m actually glad of it because it means I’m really doing something with them. No drastical changes in me as for now though. πŸ˜€ But watch out! I don’t want to transform into an optimist, I am really glad of being a defensive pessimist, and I don’t think I could ever become a real optimist, but I’m curious what will happen to me and how I will feel.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I was scared yesterday for a while. I was going through my emails as I do every day and I saw an email from my old friend. I talked about her a bit before. She was the one with whom I decided to cut all the contact. I was going to school with her, the school for the blind, and although I couldn’t call her my best friend, and I surely wasn’t one for her, we liked each other. We had kinda similar outlook on various topics, similar sense of humour and maybe in some way also our tastes were similar. She kept saying I know her brain and can read in it like in a book and in some way our way of thinking was also similar, although I didn’t feel like I really know her in a way you know someone who is your soulmate or something, she was just very extroverted and it was easy to figure her out, so to say. Plus she was easy to like, so I liked her, as many others. I left the school and she was the only one to continue any contact with me. I tried to maintain the relationship with another girl, whom I did consider my best friend for a while, but she didn’t seem to want it as much as I did then so I left her and this girl who emailed me (well let’s call her S) was the one from that school with whom I contacted regularly. I’ve never felt any stronger feelings of friendship or likemindedness with her, I just liked her, but as time passed I started to feel more and more uncomfortable with her. I thought it’s because she was still at that school, she reminded me about it and I couldn’t free from it as I wanted. But I still liked her, and it seemed awkward to just leave her because I want to be free from my memories, I wouldn’t be either way. Shortly after I realised she’s taking a lot of things for granted. Like she was often asking me to do things for her which were easier for me to do than for her, she wanted me to be very engaged in her life, in what is going on for her. When I did something for her, she showed her satisfaction and even appreciation at times very enthusiastically, but then she wanted more from me. More attention, more engagement, more time with her, talking on the phone, more various favours. If I could do something and didn’t mind, I was doing it. But when I was gently saying that, you know, I have some other things to do, and it doesn’t really fit me at the moment, she was like very hurt, in my honest opinion, not adequately to the situation, like I’d say I’ll never do it, or I’ll never do anything for her, was saying that I am exaggerating, it’s just a little thing, and it surely won’t take me a lot of time, but OK, if I have so many other things to do, she will wait. So I felt like I did something wrong, maybe I really hurt her, maybe it’s really so important for her. Also, when we were writing together, she usually started the conversation with talking about what’s going on for her, then asked me what I’ve been up to lately. I was responding to her message trying to refer somehow to what she wrote and telling her about what was going on for me. In her response though, she hardly ever tried to refer to what I wrote about myself, just was continuing the topic of her recent life events. While I really do like helping people, listening to them and sharing with them their joys and troubles, if I care about them, the way she bombarded me with only information about her, her love life, her favourite things, her school… was slightly, and increasingly, annoying and overwhelming for me. If there was something she wrote and I found it hard to refer to in any constructive way and wouldn’t respond, she was like what’s going on? Why don’t you write to me? Did something happen? Or sent me another message with other things and wrote something like: “PS: Look at the previous message, I guess you haven’t read it, I’m waiting for the answer”. When it was her birthday, she was asking questions like “Any wishes for me?” as if it was some form of joke, but I can’t remember when I got birthday wishes from her the last time. Not like I cared about it particularly and waited for them, but I guess the initiative shouldn’t be only from one side. Or when she had her blog at one of our blind communities, lots of her posts were finished with a conclusion: “Waiting for your comments guys” even though it wasn’t really anything to refer to in the post, or she was sending us messages asking us to read her post and comment on it and then asking several times if we read it. I’ve also had my blog on there, but it was very rarely when I got any comments from her. The way she asked us for comments seemed slightly weird for me, well if I had to attract people to my blog by writing to them and asking for comments, I would never start doing it, it feels rather disgracing. Surprisingly for me though, others in the community didn’t mind it, or seemed so. But it all was incredibly annoying for me. And I felt like “God, maybe I’m just so selfish?”. Well everyone needs some attention, everyone likes getting positive feedback from others and likes having friends. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? She was starting in a new school then, a mainstream school, and was writing she feels very lonely there, so I thught maybe it’s because of it. Why haven’t I seen it before when we were at school? She was definitely absorbing, but I haven’t noticed so much craving for attention, in fact she seemed even otherwise, but maybe I confused it with her sensitivity.

The crisis happened when she got a crush (on her teacher, ew, how can anyone have a crush on a teacher? but well that’s just my opinion, I would never have one) and it seemed like she has no one else to talk about it freely but me. I felt somewhat honoured, ’cause as I said, I like helping people, I know how it feels to be lonely with your feelings, and, above all, I am an expert in crushes, well maybe not in this kind of crushes, but in general. I’ve had so many of them, and my music ones are almost legendary πŸ˜€ so intensive they can be. I tried my best to be empathetic and as much involved as it would be healthily but it was rather annoying for me. Well I was having a crush at the same time too, why can’t it be a two way information exchange? She was asking me how I’m doing and sometimes about my crush even, but always ignoring my answers, so I finally got it that it’s just a courtesy and limited myself to very casual information. And one day she got an idea of a short story about her life and about her crush. Or actually an idea that she would like to see a short story about it. She asked a few people from our former school with whom she kept in touch, including me, to “write a fan fic about her”. Guys, tell me honestly, would you like someone to write a fanfic about your life? Would you feel good with it? No, it’s not a biased question, I’m just curious about what other people think about such an idea. The first thing that I thought was though – why can’t she write it on her own, wouldn’t it be more interesting? And then I thought that for me, it seems slightly unhealthy. If people write about other people’s lives, it’s usually because there’s really something fascinating about them, they were/are famous or something…

Nevertheless, I decided to at least try. I know she would be, or seem at least, so so very hurt and offended if I would just refuse, and I knew she is lonely with this whole crush and doesn’t have anyone else to talk about it, I didn’t know how to refuse in any way that wouldn’t hurt her if even just saying gently that I can’t right now is too hard. Plus I thought that maybe if I’ll do it for her, and that’s a lot to do and would cost me a lot of dedication and commitment, maybe that will change something in her very annoying attitude and she will be less selfish. And if the selfish one here is me, then the more I should try and compensate it for her this time. SO I told her that OK, I’ll try, but I don’t promise anything.

It was fucking exhausting and cost me a lot indeed. But I tried my best, despite being extremely pissed off and despite I know I could as well just leave it and tell her she’d better do it for herself. But she told me that all the other people whom she asked refused and now I’m her only hope. So I felt like I have to do it, if it will really help her… I was sending her every chapter so that she could find things that weren’t very realistic or needed some correction. And I finally did it . And she was over the moon: “Oh thanks I love you I love you so much you just know me so well”.

That didn’t last long, however. After some other issues with her that were very tough for me, I got a message from her saying something like this: “You know it’s my birthday soon? And I’ve got a mission for you. Could you write another fanfic about me? A continuation of that previous one?” and then there was a whole description what she would like it in general to look like and some potential inspirations for me. I got cross. I wrote to her, politely, but a bit icily and straight-forward, that sorry, but it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever do another one, I just have too many other things to do that are currently much more important and reminded her I’m having my finals this year. And she seemed very touched and hurt. But I wasn’t moved by it this time.

I thought about breaking all the contact with her a lot, but it seemed totally impossible. She had my phone number, we had lots of the same friends, were in the same networks… just not doable. And what I’d tell her. I’m breaking with you, because you’re selfish? Other people still like her, despite she is. Maybe something is wrong with me, and not with her? But as the time passed I felt more and more stressed and literally felt nauseous whenever I saw a message from her. I was making longer and longer breaks between logging in to any social media/communicators where she was too and where we were talking. And finally I made the decision… A boy whom I also know IRL from the integration school, and with whom S. is close nowadays because he is “Fascinating” wrote to me whether I would be able to meet with him and S. That boy and me live quite close to each other, and S. was going for holidays here. I freaked out. Just freaked out. That was the last thing I wanted. To see her. And trigger all the shitty memories. Talk about “old, good times”. Fuck it. I didn’t even respond to him. I went to my Mum and was very distressed and asked her for an advice. It seemed ridiculous for me to be stuck in relationships that are so uncomfortable for me and that don’t bring anything good into my life, but how to wriggle out? And of course Mum also told me it’s ridiculous. I thought about all my other friends that oth S. and I know. I’d have to leave them all. But, surprisingly, although I felt some pity about some of them, I didn’t feel like my life wuld be much worse or more empty without them. There was one girl whom I knew since my childhood, we really liked each other, we called ourselves best friends, but with years we got somewhat distant to each other, our interests weren’t the same any longer and we both changed so so much. I still liked it, I still do now, I always tried to be supportive for her, she is from a dysfunctional family, and she was always so kind to me, I grieved when I thought about leaving her and not knowing what’s going on with her, but there was no longer anything that would really make us real friends, and she had many more good friends who were supportive to her. If I had to cut all the contact with S. I’d have to cut all the contact with that girl too, because they knew each other and I know that girl wouldn’t understand me and why I need to keep myself away from S. S. knows we both are often in touch and she could ask her whether she knows what’s going on with me and where I am, and she’ll tell her, ’cause why not.

SO I decided to leave them all. I felt awful with it. Like I’m isolating. I’m cruel for S. to not tell her anything. But I knew that if I’d tell her, she would be hurt and offended again and make me feel qualm again. I just needed to do it once and for good, and possibly quickly, before I change my mind. I got rid of all the communicators where S. was. Didn’t delete my account to not make anyone suspect anything, but just got out silently. I changed my Twitter account and protected it and left the old one (luckily I have tons of email addresses for everything) and as I knew from the past she may start to call me like crazy, I even changed my phone number. I felt weird about it all really. Like I’m exaggerating, and hurting her. But I didn’t regret. I don’t regret until now. I have other friends with whom I feel really well and like we are for each other, not the way I was for S. I feel a part of this community and I am so happy I have this blog and I have you guys. And I don’t miss anyone there. I still don’t know and have doubts sometimes whether I did the right thing and think that maybe I am wrong, not her, maybe I can’t have proper relationships with people and wanted too much, or took it too directly, but I still feel good with what I did, I don’t want to go back there. Sometimes I just think about S. I actually feel sorry for her, I would like to know how she’s doing now and whether she has anyone to talk to about her crush and stuff, how she feels about me just disappearing so suddenly. Sometimes I feel like I could tell her something before I left, but I know I’d feel too guilty and she’ll stop me. SO no, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m glad I separated from them, even though I knew so many of them in real life, even though they are blind like me, even though now I hardly ever write in Polish with anyone. πŸ˜€ I don’t feel a part of them. I liked many of them in a way, but I’ve always felt different and kinda awkward with them.

And yesterday I got an email from her… the topic was just her style: “Read it to the end”. I froze. Shit from where she got my email? Did I give it to her? I can’t exclude it, but I can’t remember doing it. The only other way I see how she could get it is via that boy who lives near me – he is a programmer and the author of one of the blind communities where we were. I was registered to that community with this email, and he could give it to her. Well I hope it was this way, not something more sophisticated, I wouldn’t suspect her of doing something more to get it, but who knows.

I didn’t even open that message. I just sat and was shocked. I didn’t want to open it. Was too scared. I set a filter in my email client to always delete any future potential messages from her without bothering me with them. What you never know won’t hurt you, and if I’ll ignore them, she’ll just stop bothering sending anything in future. But after a few hours I decided to open it. I didn’t read the whole of it. Just looked at it very cursorily. She was asking in a way like she was deadly offended whether now when the finals are over I’ll come back and have more time for her. “Im waiting! I’m still waiting! Did something happen? Are you offended or something?”. I don’t know what else was there but at the end she wrote that one of the communities for the blind where we were together is soon to be closed, and if I want I can download an archive of my data from there before they close it. I haven’t been there for ages, and I don’t have anything to do there anymore, and also I knew before that it’s about to close, but I thought it was nice of her to notify me, even though I also knew it was just an excuse to write to me, well she has the right to wonder what’s going on with me, she has the right to ask. And I have the right to my freedom and to leave it as it is. I even was tempted to write to her just to thank her, to simply not be rude, but decided I prefer to be rude than get another message from her then and start it all over again. Sometimes you have to be radical. I am still horribly doubtful whether I do the right thing, maybe I should at least tell her why I left, but I just can’t right now. I wouldn’t even know what to tell her. So I didn’t do anything. But I’m glad it was only this, I was afraid it might be something more awful she wrote. It didn’t however made me freak out completely and I settled again quickly.

And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you one more thing. Tomorrow I’ll have a psychiatric assessment for AVPD and dysthymia. I’m damn anxious, but at the same time I’m really looking forward to it. I wanna know what’s up with my freaky brain. I wanna get some constructive opinion at last. I wanna get some help, although it’s weird because at the same time I’m absolutely scared of getting help and support from people, I just can’t figure out myself and I never will. What’s great is that I’m lucky. The psychiatrist who will assess me will be the same whom I saw those four years ago when I left the boarding school and who diagnosed me with reactive depression. I saw her only once, but I was getting along with her really well and she was very sensible. She works mainly with children. Not exclusively but mainly, and I’m glad she is still willing to assess me even though I’m not a child anymore and I won’t have to tell my story over and over again to someone I don’t know at all.

Congrats to those who got through all my brain vomit, I really appreciate your commitment if you did it, although I realise it’s highly unlikely someone will get through it all, I just needed to ramble and my diary doesn’t seem enough.

Anyway, I want to know what would you tell me if we were having coffee. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

What’s the time where you are now? Would you like a mug of coffee? Well here is 11 PM at this moment, so maybe not the best time for having coffee for most people, but who cares. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll make you a mug of strong black coffee, or a cuppa some more delicate latte, or a mug of hot tea, or anything else. πŸ™‚ I’ve been in Sleepland for most of the day and came back not so long ago, so I guess I’ll stay up late, so let’s have a chat. πŸ™‚ Enjoy your drink. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d be nosy and ask you how you’re doing and what’s going on in your life right now…

So I’ve told you I’ve been to Sleepland today for a big part of the day. That’s weird, even if someone’s biological clock is as insane as mine, well if your biological clock is crazy it’s rather foolish to make it go nuts even more on purpose and sleep during the day. I usually don’t do that if I do’t have to. But I had to, I guess. I had an awful morning with lots of awful anxiety and lots of other awful stuff, just couldn’t focus on anything properly. Don’t know clearly what caused it. I usually take my anti-anxiety meds in the evening, I don’t know what’s wrong with them or with me but most of them make me so very groggy and drowsy, I thought it’s not just me for a long time, but now I see most people who are on anti-anxiety meds and with whom I talked about it don’t have it so bad. Maybe it’s somehow related to my always low blood pressure, dunno. Anyway, because of this I rather try to avoid taking them during the day, especially if I have something important to do, or requiring. My regular anti-anxiety medication has been Hydroxizine, but if a situation is particularly bad, I also take Afobam. Afobam also makes me less groggy – which I find weird because technically it’s stronger – so usually when I’m very anxious during the day and just need something to help me, I’ll usually take Afobam. It doesn’t make me sleepy as Hydroxizine always does. But since I’ve been using it more than usual lately with the session going on and it’s apparently pretty addictive, I wanted to be careful and took a Hydroxizine, the more that it’s weekend so I can do whatever I want. I even started doing my Welsh challenge afterwards and completed it, but felt more groggy every minute, as if I hadn’t slept for days, so as I did my Welsh, I quickly packed all my goods and chattels and got on the plane to Sleepland and getting lost in Sleepland for hours. And boy did I have weird dreams! They were weird, but funny, or beautiful, or creative, or just cool. That’s another weird thing I guess because as far as I know, people usually don’t remember or even don’t have any dreams when they’re on sleepling/anti-anxiety pills. I usually don’t have them too, but today I’ve had a real abundance of dreams. Quite a few of them had to do with my current music crush Gwilym. Obviously I love having dreams with my crushes, especially if they’re bright and clear – dreams, not crushes. I haven’t had many dreams with Gwilym until now, which I thought was sad, I usually dream about my crushes a lot, since they iare a huge part of my life, inspire me, motivate me, and so on and so forth. The term crush isn’t actually accurate, I think I’ll have to come up with something more fitting. You’re lucky guys, because somehow I haven’t talked a lot about my crushes on here yet, especially in comparison to my old, Polish blogs. I just used to write about them sooo much. Don’t know what happened that I don’t do it now, maybe am too busy with these finals and stuff, but… things may change as my feelings for all of my crushes, but mostly for Gwil, since he’s my newest crush, are still as strong as they were back then. I also used to describe at least some of my dreams with my crushes on those old blogs, or parts of these dreams that were sharable and easy to explain to an incidental reader in detail. Now I won’t do it though, they were pretty intricate and very many. Anyway, I’ve had such a fantastic trip to Sleepland, and, until I got back, everything changed and started to look much better, and my anxiety, or most of it, I guess it got lost somewhere in the middle of my journey and haven’t found me until now so, shall we celebrate.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that, ugh, my finals are coming and it’s so awful. As I told y’all last time at the coffee share, I’m not as much afraid of the results, will I pass or not etc. but the whole process is much more frightening for me. I just so desperately want it to be over!!! Luckily, my exam session at school is over, I passed my last exam on Thursday. Now we’ll have the end of the school year next Thursday and I pray to not have to be there till the end of all those celebrations. They plan on doing some slideshow presentations, my term plans, I mean, so I’d have to just sit there and pretend how very interested in everything I am, while anything I could be interested with at least theoretically is visual. πŸ˜€ I’ve also heard there will be some meeting, with coffee and cake and stuff… ughhhh! my “dream” will come true. I just absolutely LOVE eating in such official situations. I don’t even feel like I know these people well enough, I’ve been learning at home for two years, and during my first year at this school, I just felt like I’m invisible, ’cause hardly anyone besides some more sensible teachers and one guy in my class talked to me just because they wanted, the rest did it only when they really had to or didn’t do it at all. I’m curious though what they will be talking about. About school? πŸ˜€ Because usually when I heard any conversations they had, they were about school and stuff we need to do for school, which is normal, because what can a group of completely different people with their own adult lives talk about when they’re at school? My Mum is also very happy at the prospect of it and feels this situation in a similar way, at least that was what she told me. She likes socialising in general, but she also doesn’t know these people and she says she thinks it’ll be incredibly stiff to just sit there and sip coffee with all the students and teachers. In my opinion, drinking coffee together is something rather… hmm, maybe not intimate, but… I’d say reserved for our friends and close ones, just those we trust and feel comfortable with, right? Yeah… I’m glad you agree with me. πŸ˜€ So let’s have some more coffee, shall we? Anyway, I really hope we won’t have to go through all that socialising shit just because the school year is finally over and I can be free.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m quite worried about my Mum lately. A few weeks ago I was mentioning she had gastroscopy and colonoscopy and how it scared me, yeah, even thinking of gastroscopy makes me feel like a jelly lol, and this week she got the results. And they say she most likely has coeliac disease. Well that’s surely better than cancer, or some other things that were coming to our minds, but still, it’s a serious thing. And it would make a lot of sense because she has anemia all the time and nothing in the world seems to be able to change it. They say she needs to do some other more speciffic tests for coeliac disease, I’d be so relieved if they would be negative.

So, because I’m so damn nosy, let me ask you again, how are you doing this week? How’s your weekend going? What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

Hope you enjoyed your coffee and the coffee share. :*

https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/04/20/weekendcoffeeshare-surgery-recovery-take-2/

If we were having coffee… #weekendcoffeeshare. *long post*

If we were having coffee… wow! that’s such a cool prospect. I’d love to have a coffee with you, my lovely readers. So make yourself comfortable, grab a cuppa, or a mug, of coffee, or whatever you like to drink, and maybe even something to eat. I am having a glass of Jack Daniels with Pepsi and ice which I am sipping for about an hour now and chilli crisps. My family is out, so I thought I’d make use of it and invite you all, he he, they won’t be in until at least midnight…

If we were having coffee here in this timezone, I guess we would arrange it at a different time, I don’t think it’s popular anywhere to drink coffee at 09:08 PM. πŸ˜€ Although drinking coffee doesn’t affect me much in terms of energy, I know it does affect many people, so if you’d rather like some tea, or orange juice, or Pepsi, or whisky, or maybe even kefir, feel free and I’ll pour you. We also have a lot of yummy things to eat, my Mum was grocery shopping in the morning. She left me quite a lot of food, she’s always so worried about me when she goes anywhere for a longer time. She made me a lot of sandwiches, a salad, a mug of raspberry tea, and left me these crisps I mentioned as well as lemon ice tea and hazelnuts in chocolate and I guess she assumes I will eat it all. πŸ˜€ It’s rather impossible, so you have to help me.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m very anxious lately. I mean, I am living with anxiety on a daily basis, so it’s like not a big news for anyone who knows me well, but it’s going worse lately. Today is pretty good in comparison to, say recent three weeks, but overall it’s very crappy and it affects me in many ways. My final exams are coming very soon. The first one I’ll have on 4th May. And now I am going through term session, which isn’t as much stressful as the finals, but still. I’ll have Maths exam on Wednesday. I’ll be also passing maths on the finals, which scares the shit out of me the most, because that’s the thing I am completely clueless about, despite my tutor coming to me usually twice a week and draining my brain. Actually, I even wanted to get a certifficate that I am dyscalculic, but although the woman who evaluated me for it said I theoretically match some of the criteria, for some reason blind people can’t be diagnosed with dyscalculia. That’s so weird and I completely don’t understand why. Actually I think it should be otherwise, because I think many blind people may have much more complex issues with such subjects like math or physics, because lots of things are hard to get when you can’t see. I must admit I am trying to accept that it’s pretty likely that I won’t pass this exam. I just feel so clueless about it that I feel like I’d have to experience some massive enlightenment to pass it, and you need “just” 30% correct to pass it. I don’t know whether it is my anxiety and defensive pessimism talking or whether it’s my intuition, but I really feel that as much as I may succeed with other subjects, I will completely fail with this one. My tutor seems also a bit skeptical, well she’d never tell me this, but she seems like… a bit hopeless. πŸ˜€ It won’t be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I won’t pass it though, apart from my pride being a bit smashed and probably the exam being hard to get through and extremely anxiety provoking. I am not a perfectionist about school and I know that even if I’d pass it with 90% I’d still be as clueless as for what to do with my life as I am now, so it won’t change much. I probably wouldn’t be studying further either way, unless online, as my anxiety and mobility/orientation won’t let me. On the other hand though, if I want to develop, I might do it as well without having these exams passed, I still can learn without graduating anything, I can still learn new languages, read books and maybe even go through some courses. I can still work with my languages. My Swedish teacher put it very well. I always thought that if I’d want to work with my languages, translate Vreeswijk’s (my crush and favourite Swedish artist) poems to Polish, I’d need to be a major in linguistics and Swedish and translation and who knows what else, maybe even in Polish, and if I’d like to work in whichever way with my languages, I’d need some certifficates and other crap. And he told me something I never thought about before. If I know a language, how can someone tell me that I don’t know it? How much more will a piece of paper say about my language abilities than I could say myself? And that’s so simple and so true. He was generally so simple and true while still being wise, well I suppose he still is, but he just doesn’t teach me anymore. He said he gives up after he saw my translations of Vreeswijk’s “Vaggvisa” (Lullaby). πŸ˜€ He claimed I’d better start to teach others than still learn myself and acted like I did something very unusual. πŸ˜€ But I wouldn’t like to be a teacher. Going back to the exams, since I just feel it deep down I won’t do it well, I even wanted to give up and not take them at all, but I thought tat if I went this far in this school I am now, I should do it because it would be pointless to stop it now. And I would maybe regret it later. ‘Cause who knows, maybe it will go well. But I decided that if it won’t, I won’t redo the Math exam, evenif my family would want it, or my tutor or the committee would persuade me.

The following paragraph talks about stuff regarding religion, spirituality, Christianity, Catholicism, evil spirit and spiritual dangers from the Christian point of view. I suppose it may be triggering for some, hence I’m forewarning.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you my gramma travelled for a sort of pilgrimage to some Christian community and is praying for me today with these people. My gramma is a really religious person, but not in the way so many elderly ladies are – kind of devotee – she was always very soulful and devout and has even graduated in theology or something like this, it interests her deeply. I’ve been having sleep paralysis almost my entire life and recently it got worse, probably because of worsened anxiety and my sleep routine being rubbish, and I was talking to my Mum a lot about it. I wouldn’t think she’d be so much concerned about it, but she was very concerned and talked with gramma about it. I weren’t glad of it to be honest, I don’t like when my issues are discussed like this, but I know their intentions were and are good. And my gramma got concerned too. You know, it’s hard to describe for me what I experience during sleep paralysis, it’s just scary and that’s pretty much all I can say, but for people who have never experienced it must have think it’s even more scary, I guess, ’cause it sounds scary overall, so I guess that’s why they were so concerned. But my gramma thought it can be something more spiritual than physical. It’s because, before I really became Christian and stopped pretending I am atheist or agnostic or Wiccan or whatever else I was doing some things considered as spiritually dangerous, or immoral, , by Christian religion. I was a teenager then and wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing, I was just hurting and wanted some escape, was feeling very rebellious. I was at the boarding school lead by nuns and although my own family was very religious and practicing, all the things related to religion, I associated with the school, and in my school it all was pretty artificial. And I didn’t want to be like them. I desperately wanted to be different, even though I already was. I experienced LD (lucid dreams), OOBE (out of body experiences), used Doses (those sounds that interfer with our brain waves and work like drugs and are said to be non addictive, but mess up with our brain), I was listening to very overwhelming, kinda dark music, which made me even more depressed. I mean, I still often listen to some Gothic music if it isn’t against my views, but that was just so heavy and depressing, some of it even satanic, but I got to know about it later on and had no idea what it really is. And I had friends who did other, more serious things. It was a short period of time and then it luckily happened that some people and things helped me to find the Road I should follow again and I am so grateful for all that to happen. Then I got out of that school and was able to close that dark chapter in my life completely. I did all I could to not let that evil I once let in my life to come back again. Also, when I was like a baby, my Mum was very desperate and, like most parents of disabled children at the beginning, couldn’t accept the fact that I can’t see. And so she was looking for some hope everywhere. From doctors, to quakes, to alternative medicine specialists, to other healers like bioenergotherapists. Bioenergotherapy is something completely against Christian views and beliefs, but – as so many people – she wasn’t aware back then how much damage it could possibly make to me, her, and our family, in the spiritual sense. And my gramma, who then read some things about sleep paralysis – that you can have kind of dark and overwhelming dreams etc. etc. etc. she started to think they are consequences of all those things and are something of more spiritual nature. Although I was feeling the consequences of all these things I did as a teenager for some time afterwards, I really don’t think sleep paralysis could be one of them. I was working really hard to close all that shit and leave behind, my Mum also changed pretty much with time, we both decided to have general confession of our whole lives, seeked for help in this field, even decided to attend some exorcisms just in case, you know, no one conscious would like to carry this shit all the time if you can get rid of it. And since a few years, I must tell you I feel like I am spiritually healed and free. So, although I don’t want to exclude my Gramma’s theory completely, ’cause, you know, everything is possible in this world and she is surely wiser and more experienced than I am, I must say I highly doubt it to be true. But, anyway, I appreciate her being so caring and praying for me with all these people she’s with. If this is the reason of this crap haunting me as long as I can remember, I’ll be eternally grateful.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I had a History exam on Monday and passed it. It was one of my term exams. I didn’t have doubts as for whether I’ll pass it or not, our school exams are stressful, but ridiculously easy to pass. I am really more and more convinced that my History teacher is more sociophobic than I am. He actually annoys me so much. He acts like he’s deadly afraid of me. Like my optic nerve hypoplasia was contagious or something. It’s really annoying and making contact so much more difficult. When he talks to me, he seems so so frightened, like he’d expect me to do something horrible, like snap at him suddenly or something. Now I am learning at home and coming to school only for exams, but two years ago, as I started at this school, I made an attempt to go to school as normal people. I had a classmate who was very helpful for me and was kinda my assistant and guide and the only one person in my class who didn’t act like I’m not there. And he also noticed how freaked out this guy is interacting with me. And he (my classmate) had a lot of laugh about it and one day he proposed me to make use of it. As he said, not many students have this privilege that a teacher is so scared of them, it gave me a certain power over him in his opinion. And he told me I should do something unpredictable on his lesson. Like start to scream and laugh like crazy out of the blue for no reason. πŸ˜€ I was a bit hesitant, but decided to give it a go! Yeah. And my classmate was thrilled. He said he was sure the teacher won’t get over it and he wanted to bet that he’ll pee in front of the class or do anything else like that. That seemed a bit scary and unlikely for me, so OK, I agreed to make a bet. We decided the one who will win will get the other a pizza. So we picked a date and were thrilled and couldn’t wait, I was also a bit anxious because I’ve never did such dramas before, at least not in public. πŸ˜€ But as that day was approaching, I was more and more worried. What if he’d really pee in front of the class? That would be real scary, wouldn’t it? So finally I told my friend I won’t do it of ity for him, he’s scared enough without it and it would be soo bitchy of me to do it. He was quite disappointed. Lol people doing such things to their teacher at a school for adults. πŸ˜€ My classmate was about 40. πŸ˜€ But still I wonder sometimes, what if I’d do it. πŸ˜€ Maybe he’d stop treating me like the air. Not that I care about what he thinks about me, but it would really help with communication and my learning if he treated me like a human being and not like I’m completely invisible. So I came in for the exam and immediately felt less anxious, because I sensed how stressed and stiff he is. You know he asked me when WW II started? I was kinda confused, like, wow, I was learning so much and you are asking me such a foolish question. πŸ˜€ It wasn’t the only one and I had some harder ones too, but anyway, it surprised me, did he really think I could not know such more than basic stuff? πŸ˜€ I got 5 from this exam. I guess 5 is something between A and B for English-speaking countries. If A is a mark you get for some excellent achievements, then 5 is B, it is very good, but not more than you should know. SO glad that another exam is over.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

Hope you had some nice time here and you liked your coffee and that I didn’t bore you too much.

#WeekendCoffeeShare