If We Were Having Coffee… a midweek coffee share.

Anyone up for a cuppa coffee at 9 PM? Or probably it will be even later by the time I finish this post. But perhaps it’s earlier where you are so if you want a coffee, grab a cup of it and join in. Or drink whatever you feel like. I can offer you a coffee, or an iced coffee, green tea, black tea, some herbal teas, or raspberry tea, kefir, Pepsi, or water. Or you can bring something yourself so that it’ll be more diverse.

I have a lot of snacks this time that I can share with you, I’ve made a big big shopping last week, thinking I’ll be alone for a week so will need a lot of yummy stuff to munch on. A lot of sweets, like biscuits, chocolate, some hard candy, gummybears, lots of stuff that it’ll probably take me weeks or months to deal with myself so I’ll need people to help me out! But you can still bring in your own food. We don’t have much serious food here right now, no yummy dishes or anything like that, as Mum is the one who cooks those and she’s just come back from my uncle’s funeral, but I’ve also stocked the house with instant soups, pasta sauces and all sorts of cereal and yoghurts and such.

I won’t be eating anything this time, actually I only ate a little today, a late breakfast and some cookies with Zofijka, I feel kinda weird physically and don’t even have an idea why, I’m tired and a bit nauseous and lousy and I felt like not doing this coffee share today, but I need to catch up with you and tell you about an idea I had, so I don’t want to delay it all the time.

So, grab something you feel like drinking and eating, find yourself a cosy and comfy place to sit, and let’s start our coffee share properly.

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how are you doing and how has the last week and this week so far been for you?… πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I was on a very unexpected trip to Masuria last week. my Dad just got kind of a suden idea that he’d like to go to Masuria because he’s on holidays for over two weeks now. Masuria is a sort of go-to, traditional place for some longer holidays for us. My Mum has family there, and my Dad is very much into WWII stuff so there’s a lot to explore for him. The food is heavenly there, and so are the views and just the general atmosphere. We didn’t have much time to spend there, as they were supposed to go on another trip with my Mum’s family to the Bieszczady mountains, so we left on… Thursday, I guess, and were meant to go back home on Saturday if not earlier. We didn’t do much there though, because the plans regarding their other trip were changing constantly, and my Dad got cross about it, so in the end we were home on Friday early evening. Still, I mostly liked the trip, despite my Dad’s constant irritability getting on my nerves and my own moods shifting quite a bit which was difficult to contain but I think I succeeded at it very much. It helped me to sort of get away from my anxieties, clear my mind a little, and, while the depression was still echoing somewhere in the background, my anxiety and rumination had significantly lessened while I was away, which was actually surprising, normally I’m one big nervous wreck when travelling for longer than a day and sleeping in a stranger place and all.

We went to one small town called MikoΕ‚ajki and were just wandering aimlessly around it, I bought myself a cat figurine made of porcelain, it’s blue, as in the Russian blue Misha. πŸ˜€ Oh yeah and I mised Misha terribly! I guess I’ll always have that messed up in my brain, when longing for someone, it feels like I’m never going to see them anymore or will have to lose them again very soon, it feels much more of a loss than it is, no matter what I tell myself, no matter that I know I’ll see Misha in 2 days, which is ridiculously short, it’s so stupid and shitty, I hate it. My Dad really wanted to take a ship there, around the lake in MikoΕ‚ajki, but I flat out refused because it was very windy and I was afraid my vestibular system won’t cooperate, so he was enraged, but couldn’t have any discussion with me. The next day Mum wanted to go somewhere by ship, and it wasn’t that windy so I gritted my teeth and said OK, but to my surprise Dad said we don’t have to and he doesn’t want to force me. Not quite like him, but while I would deal with that, after all we’ve sailed to Sweden and such and I dealt with it, I was happy I didn’t have to go through it again without a sound reason. πŸ˜€

After we’ve seen almost the entire MikoΕ‚ajki, we went to EΕ‚k where we very supposed to sleep, but my Dad – always planning ahead and even a bit stiff – went all wild and spontaneous this time and hadn’t booked us a place anywhere. He doesn’t have a debit/credit card, I left mine at home and Mum was almost skint so couldn’t pay for us, while all the online booking stuff only accepts cards obviously. So he was all raging, until we finally found a hotel that he could plain phone and pay them directly with cash. πŸ˜€ I was starting to think that we might end up going back home at night, so fumin he was.

I had really weird, like really weird and rather creepy dreams, some in a cool creepy way and very creative, one was gloomy-creepy and even more odd, and involved me having ECT. Only that if ECT really looked like that… it was even worse than in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”. I don’t know what I had that for, was it depression or whatever, I just know I was seeing a very authoritarian doctor there who said something is definitely very wrong with my brain and I need ECT to get it working properly, he was the kind of person who knows everything about you before you even get a chance to say anything. It was a really gloomy and awfully depressing hospital, I felt sick just being there, and I guess it was quite a long distance from my home, because when he announced to me that I’d have to come there I guess every month me and my Mum were very unsatisfied. He first wanted me to sit there and wait for my turn while there were like a dozen of odd, metal beds with people on them, who had all something wrong with their brains, they had some stuff connected to their brains, I don’t know, wires or electrodes or whatever it was, something was beeping all the time like in a trashy medical thriller movie, the doctors were doing something to their brains, like manipulating with them with their hands, they were bound to their beds, and they had awful, like horrible, horrifying seizures, it looked gross, heart-wrenching and creepy and their dignity was taken away from them. I guess they weren’t unconscious but in some altered state of consciousness. And then I had all that stuff too, only that I didn’t have the seizures, instead I felt awful and woke up with no memory. And I know I talked with some of those people who were there, one of them was very much like my friend Jacek from Helsinki, and he told me he’s been having that for 5 years every month and he feels less and less like himself and that I should run away from there. I came back home and my whole extended family came to me to wish me speedy recovery but I didn’t even care about anything and it felt really strenuous to think. And then slowly, life would just go back to normal, and as soon as I’d start regaining my colourful brain, feeling OK, getting back my memories and was less scared of what happened, it was time to go back to that prick. It was weird that I couldn’t even just refuse, everyone was saying I have to, they were very sad about it but were saying it will help me in the end. I often have dreams when people force me to do things and no matter how hard I refuse or fight, or how diplomatically I’d try to persuade them out of it, they have to have it their way. I wonder does that mean something? πŸ˜€ So yeah, that was my dream, in a nutshell, I was going back and forth from there and seeing all those people and having it done to myself and recovering, until finally when I came there and he put me on the bed I just woke up. First I was creeped out and wondered why the hell I had such a gross dream, and it haunted me for a while, but then I started laughing at how creative my brain is. Guess I really could write thrillers based on my dreams, only I don’t like thrillers! πŸ˜€ Would like to have a talk with my brain and ask it where it got it from, during your average jolly family trip. Maybe something was wrong with that hotel! πŸ˜€

Anyway, as I told you, the next day we had to go back home, but before we did that, we visited AugustΓ³w and I had the yummiest iced latte there. And both on our way to Masuria and back home we stopped for a dinner in a lovely restaurant where I had absolutely scrumptious pierogi. Apart from my Mum’s and perhaps my grandma’s, I don’t think I’ve eaten better. Not in a restaurant for sure, and most often we eat frozen which are rather dull, so it was a great surprise! But pierogi in Masuria usually tend to be very good. So as I said my parents were supposed to go for another trip on Sunday, and they did, but had to go back, because my uncle died that same day from cancer. They normally probably wouldn’t go back, but grandma was going with them and she wanted to take part in the funeral. Coincidentally, my uncle lived in Masuria, so yesterday in the morning my family were heading back there and have just come back. I was at home with Zofijka and Misha, and Olek, but Olek’s mostly at work. For those of you who read my “Some Random Questions” post, if you’re curious, no, our house didn’t catch fire, Misha didn’t choke and Zofijka didn’t bring a norovirus home from her swimming camp, although I’m feeling really interestingly today so actually who knows… (no, brain, don’t think about that now!), instead, Zofijka came home sobbing hysterically, but didn’t want to talk so I asked Mum as for how I should handle it and Mum said I should ignore it and that means she really enjoyed the camp… Yeah, I see… No, seriously, I get it. There’s a whole long school year until another camp. I hated camps but still, I know the feeling. She’s better now, and has been out with her mates for most of the day. But my parents are going for another trip yet (my Dad’s determination to challenge theΒ  fate is pretty admirable) only not to Bieszczady but somewhere nearer, so hopefully the smaller distance will help in making it a success finally. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Misha is being really sweet to me lately, which helps me a lot every day. I suspect it’s my little secret bottle of Mish ice cream (his favourite thick sauce) that I’ve got that made him feel so amicably towards me. Those sauces come in little tubes, so you squeeze them out and if we want to have fun Misha can lick it like ice-cream, but it gets messy and I don’t wfind those tubes very user-friendly. So Mum came up with an idea that for the time when they’ll be away she’ll put a few sauces into a bottle so I’ll have it easier to give it to him and dose properly, it’s like an oil bottle. The thing is you of course have to store those sauces in the fridge, or at least in a dark place, so I had to use up that bottle quick. I used up most of it, but sadly, some of the sauce had turned sour, I was afraid not to overfeed him. I still have his normal snacks, but the sauce effect hasn’t worn out yet and Misha graciously spends most of his very precious time with me and sleeps in his bed next to me at night, as well as has his longest day nap always here. It’s really so lovely! πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d share my idea with you, which I think is great, but I need your feedback, as it has to do with my blog and with you as my readers! I’ve been thinking about it loads and it’s not a very new idea, but, as is most often the case with me, I needed to thoroughly think it through. The idea is such – I’ve been thinking about doing something like a yearly My Inner MishMash reader award – don’t know what its actual name could be yet but that’s a secondary thing. – There are tons of awards in the blogosphere, some people like them and find them nice, for some they’re annoying, so I wasn’t thinking a blog award, like write a post and nominate people etc. Especially that, as far as I am aware, those awards tend to be connected with badges, or other banners or pics, as a way to emphasise and show that someone’s blog has been awarded and I have no idea about that. My idea is more about expressing my gratitude to my readers, having fun blogging, and just connecting with people in a fun way, and also it’d be like a small giveaway. Every year, I would pick three readers of My Inner MishMash that I think have been most involved, that come here regularly, comment etc. and that I feel particularly grateful for having them around. That would be based on my own judgment and feelings, but also on the comments stats. Then I would send out small packages to those folks, with mini things like some typically Polish yummies, T-Shirts with Misha, Mish-themed Christmas cards (as that would be sometime around Christmas and New Year) and such, I’m open for suggestions here. I’d also make an official post announcing the “winners” (although it’s not about winning and losing, obviously I’m grateful for all my engaged/reglar readers who enjoy being here at My Inner MishMash, whether you comment a lot or just read my posts, but I can’t send gratitude packages to all of you every year πŸ˜€ ). Or maybe that post would go before I’d send the packages, and it could have a bit of an award form, that part needs deeper thinking. But what I need most at the moment is for you to say what you think, if you like the idea, are you up for it? Any ideas for a name for this invention? Right now I’m considering My Inner Mishmash Involvement Award (MIMIA) or My Inner MishMash Readership Award (MIMRA), it’s not really an award but it looks better in the acronyms than giveaway, but that feels a little stiff, or maybe it’s just me. My other idea is just simple EMisha’s Christmas Mini Care Package. Yeah, could use some feedback… I love baby names, but titles and such aren’t my ground as much.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m getting lots of new equipment soon! I’m happy not happy. I’ve got the maximum funding for my new Braille-Sense and Plextalk, so I really don’t have to pay much myself compared with the original price especially of Braille-Sense, which is good. I also decided to get a new computer, the one I have right now is about 5 and just seems to feel like retiring soon. My current computer is a laptop, but the one I’m going to get is a desktop, simply because it seems more logical for me, I almost only use my laptop in my room anyway. I’m happy because the change is really needed, especially re Braille-Sense, which is a geriatric, but I’m not happy and all anxious and fidgety because I hate hate hate changes and seem to have some internal problem with tech stuff and changing it, arrrghhhh. It’s not because of the sentiment, I just hate change, I’m afraid something will go wrong, or I won’t be able to transition and adjust, I won’t learn to handle the different things, which is quite unlikely. I guess I’d never had that strong anxiety with tech related transitions before, I guess before most of them I was very happy most of all, I don’t like the intensity of it at all. I’m gonna have my new stuff in the end of August.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, although I’m not sleepy, because I woke up at about 11:30 AM today, I feel very tired for some reason and kind of weird so I’m going to bed soon.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

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If We Were Having Coffee… or whatever else you fancy. #WeekendCoffeeShare

#WeekendCoffeeShare at Eclectic Alli’s.

Welcome to another coffee share, quite an early one, especially as for me, but I haven’t been too regular with posting lately and I might not be for a few more days so I thought we’d have another coffee share as some longer, catch-up post.

I’ve had my green tea already in the morning as I woke up early and needed it badly so I’m now having sparkling water with lemon, and very yummy Polish biscuits called Delicje – they are round sponge biscuits covered in chocolate with a jelly filling, mine are with orange jelly and as much as I love Delicje, the orange-flavoured ones are the only ones I find acceptable, OK, raspberry ones are OK, but just OK. – Help yourselves! I’ve also made a cake earlier today – a sponge cake with jelly and raspberries – (wow I’m kinda monotematic today with sponge, fruit and jelly, perhaps someone has an idea why? :D). It’s my name day on Sunday, hence I made it. And Mum made yummilicious croquettes (I don’t even know if that’s exactly the same thing in English, but oh well) with rice and mushrooms. I love them, and so does Olek, so if you’d like to sample, you need to hurry as he’ll soon be back from work and there will be nothing left. πŸ˜€ And I guess that’s all really yummy food (in my opinion) we have today, and you can bring something you have to our coffee share to make it more diverse than just sponge with jelly. πŸ˜€ Get yourself a comfortable place to chill and let’s start our chat, shall we? πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, or not coffee, I’d ask you how things have been going for you and what has happened in your life this week…?

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m feeling like rubbish today. Not the most optimistic note to start a coffee share and a weekend in general but what can I do. I don’t even know why. I woke up feeling OK, like near the baseline, but things have started spiraling down since early afternoon. I can’t get to why that is really. I feel depressed, and even a bit anhedonic, which is not my usual definitely, even if I am badly depressed I can often still feel the pleasure from things I love to some degree but I just feel kind of apathetic and sort of disconnected and don’t care about things too much, I also feel lonely because I feel disconnected, and don’t know what’s going on with my brain. Not like it would change a lot if I knew, and like it matters to me at the moment very much, but it’s always nice to be able to have a clue at least about your brain. I’ve also been having extremely sad and emotional dreams for a couple days which I don’t get either. I mean, scary dreams – yes, – intense, in whatever way – definitely, – strange – all the time, – but I don’t normally have plain sad dreams in which I’d feel all emotional and vulnerable, and yesterday I actually woke up crying. Today I had a sad dream too but it wasn’t quite as unsettling and I mostly remember the emotions of it, not the plot, so I didn’t think much about it, but the phenomenon of such an abundance of sad dreams is interesting. I get emotional dreams like this sometimes around the periods of time that used to be difficult for me in the past but now it’s not the case. Sometimes I wish my brain could speak, or write, or something. I’m so used to bottling up stuff that now I often don’t understand what it’s trying to tell me, ’cause I suppose it must want something from me if there’s no straightforward explanation.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we’ve had another hot week here, but thankfully today it’s very nicely fresh and chilly, apparently only for a while, Dad says we’ll have another hot day on Sunday. But it’s a relief for all the people I think that at least now it’s cooler.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that at the beginning of this week, my router died. I had to get a new one and installing it and configuring was quite a pain, and I had a whole long boring day and a half with no Internet and not much to do, but now things are back to normal.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Misha has a new hiding place, and this time, it’s a really good one, ’cause we still can’t figure out where it is, after over a week. He just disappears every day for a good few hours and then suddenly comes back out of nowhere. It’s amazing how after 3 years of living here, he still hasn’t ran out of ideas! πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m going to another meeting – like the one I went to earlier this month, in that sort of foundation or association that Zofijka’s friend’s mum works in – this time with a woman who used to live in Ireland, she’s Polish. That’s going to be very interesting for me for sure, since I love Ireland! I’m quite anxious again, even though I’ve already been there and it went well. It’s going to be on Monday.

If we were having coffee I’d also tell you that Zofijka’s friend’s mum was supposed to visit us yesterday, and then today, or on Sunday, but it seems like nothing will come out of it. While I’m happy for her to come over, I’m also secretly relieved that she won’t be coming today, as I’m definitely not in the mood for socialising whatsoever and wouldn’t be able to do it right the way I’m feeling now, just normal smalltalk feels so depressing and exhausting at the moment. As if I ever was good at smalltalk hahaha.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that we’re most likely going to the beach on Sunday, which I’m quite glad about, the sea usually makes me feel very good and I feel a strong connection with it, and I love being by the sea. We have our very special beach that is quite far away from us, it’s situated in a village in SΕ‚owiΕ„ski National Park, and it’s really clean and tranquil there, there are few beaches that are that quiet and clean. And we had a plan of going there, but because it’s apparently going to be rather hot, and the ride is long there, and then you have to walk 2 km through a nature reserve back and forth it would be quite tiring and time consuming compared to how much time we’d actually spend on the beach, so we probably won’t be going there and somewhere much closer and filled with people. πŸ˜€ In any case, I hope it’ll be cool and I’ll feel less depressed by then. Also as I said it’s my name day on Sunday so that’s going to be a nice way of spending it I hope.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were HavingCoffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to Weekend Coffee Share!

We hadn’t have one in months, so I think it’s definitely time to do it!

Let’s have a cuppa and talk a bit about our week, and whatever else we might want to talk about. There is black coffee, as always, and lots of teas, my favourite raspberry tea with ginger, chamomile tea, and some others, and a couple green teas as well, so feel free to get whatever you prefer. Oh, and recently I even bought myself some ginger, I love my tea with ginger, especially at this time of year, though my Mum has been stealing a lot of it, so there’s not much left. My Mum has asthma episode again, she usually has them in late autumn/early winter, she has episodic asthma so it tends to like come once a year, be very annoying and then go away for the rest of the year, I have the same thing, but for me it’s milder and so does Olek, and smoking doesn’t help him, so we all need ginger, so I let my Mum get it when she wants hahaha. What has ginger to do with asthma? Well apparently ginger is one of those foods that reduce mucus in your body and help you get rid of it, and when you have asthma you have a tendency to produce too much mucus, or something like this. πŸ˜€ I think it makes a perfect sense though.

Besides, we had duck meat for lunch and there still is some, and I am happy to share my mint chocolates with you – that’s a funny story with them, my Dad thought it was my nameday on Friday, and it used to be before I legally changed my name a couple of years ago, now I have my nameday in June, anyway he forgot about it and I woke up to him wishing me all the best and giving me these chocolates and I didn’t know what’s up, is he joking or what? πŸ˜€ That was funny. Eventually I didn’t correct him, I felt like it would be a bit awkward or even jerky to just tell him it’s not my nameday today, after so much effort from him. πŸ˜€

Oh and Mum just came back with groceries and she has bought some biscuits,juices and other stuff like that.

OK, so I hope you all have something to munch and sip on, and let’s start our coffee share. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you are doing and whether there was anything particular that was on your mind lately…?

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve had a pretty uneventful week overall this time, though a little hard particularly at the beginning.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I am a bit frustrated with myself this week. I tried to work on some Vreeswijk translations, as it was his death anniversary on Monday, and although I worked on two of his songs and one poem, I wasn’t able to finish any of them. I hate that I always get stuck somewhere and just can’t wriggle out of it, and have so many pieces of translated poems and songs by him that I started but can’t finish. The poem has only one verse to be translated so maybe I’ll be able to come up with something until Christmas, I’d love to. Also that day made me think a lot about my friend Jacek from Helsinki…

If we were having coffee,I’d also tell you the beginning of this week was rather rough for me, I was having a whole lot of very yucky anxiety, I think mainly as an aftermath of the damn sleep paralysis which always makes me feel as if I was haunted by a flock of zombies for a few days afterwards, and to make things even more interesting, I ran out of my anti-anxiety meds, the last one finished last week, and monday was a holiday, so I couldn’t get them right away, assuming I could get them right away in other circumstances. I still don’t have them, because Mum wasn’t able to pick the prescriptionn and get them for me, but it’s much better now anyway.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a pretty nasty migraine on Wednesday, I couldn’t get rid of it for the entire day. I am a bit fed up with headaches, as I had another, milder one, last sunday. It seems to be over for now though.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that today our cousin is with us, she’s here since Friday actually, and plays with Zofijka. There is always so much chaos when there are any kids coming to her but at the same time I am always happy when it happens because as I am sure you already know well, Zofijka is a very absorbing child and likes the world to turn around her, and I’m glad there is now someone who wants to play with her so the rest of us can have a break and not think about her all the time.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I didn’t have therapy for two weeks now, and I am quite anxious about going tomorrow. I really like my therapist as a person, and how very empathetic and outgoing she is, but since some time I am wondering a little whether indeed this time I found a good match for myself. ‘Cause although she’s so very empathetic and warm and all, I often have an impression as if she just doesn’t understand me on a deeper level. Maybe it is just my impression, maybe it’s my brain reacting to some healing process that is going on and that I can’t see yet, or maybe it’s anxiety, but it’s still niggling somewhere at the back of my mind. Again. ‘Cause, as you may remember, I’ve already switched therapists this year. I’ve been for years with my therapist Monika, in an a bit irregular contact, but in a very safe relationship, but she decided that she shouldn’t work with me any longer because of how much work she has and she felt she can’t be as dedicated as she should be to me, and because at that time I was diagnosed with AVPD and she felt like someone having more experience with personality disorders could help me better, so I met my next therapist, the one who had some experience with personality disorders, via her. But I didn’t feel like I am making any progress with that new therapist at all, she was a nice person but, that was pretty much all, I didn’t feel like we had anything in common and didn’t feel attached to her whatsoever. after a couple of months I thought maybe I should find a therapist working in a different way, so now I am working with a psychodynamic therapist since August. And while I like her way of looking atdifferent things, it seems to be pretty similar this time too.

And I wonder whether there’s something wrong with me or my perception of other people or whatever else, or maybe indeed I should try more and look for someone else, or just give us more time. Maybe I still compare her to my first therapist to whom I was very attached and really getting along. I just don’t think as if very much has changed since I last saw my first t. That’s rather frustrating and I wonder whether I should talk about it to her, I mean my current therapist. Maybe it’s not therapy that I should look for but rather focus on some other ways of recovering from/coping with my mental illnesses? My Mum suggested me that maybe I could call Monika, my first therapist, and tell her about it, and ask her if she could help in any way, but I am not sure whether it would be actually OK. Dunno really, just feel quite confused thinking about all that.

And, what actually annoys/frustrates me the most, is how often different professionals, be them doctors or therapists, assume that my main problem is my blindness. Sure, it does change the way I see some things greatly (obviously 😏), it does impact my functioning together with other issues I have, and it has been having a great impact on how my life looks like and on my experiences, but it’s not such a big deal really. My therapist persistently denies that it has any significance for her and says it doesn’t matter for her at all, whenever I ask her about this, but still asks me questions like: “When did you accept that you’re blind?”, in such a sad, incredibly sympathetic and emotional tone as if she was sorry for me that I had to accept it. While there was nothing I had to accept, it was just always this way so why should I care about it? As if she asked me “When did you accept the fact that you have blue eyes?”. Well maybe there is something wrong with me or I don’t understand something but to me it looks really weird and is just annoying.

Or her opinion is that my feelings of inadequacy and being weird, different, quirky, bla bla bla you name it, stem mainly from my blindness… Hell NO! Honestly, what’s blindness gotta do with this? I mean yeah, it doesn’t make things easier, but… no, it’s not like that… Though maybe she knows it better and it’s something I’m unaware of?… God knows…

but where I’m going to is the situation that was what started to make me feel confused. It was about two months ago.

I had that very very awful anxiety like all the time, won’t go into details here but it was shit, I didn’t have therapy for two weeks, like now. I was really looking forward to my session finally and really wanted to tell her about the anxiety, work it through somehow. It is the kind of anxiety that is very hard for me, hard for me to even talk about in detail to anyone, I’ve never talked to anyone about it more than just very superficially, never even written much about it, because even just going through this scares loads of shit out of me for some reason and it’s also all very hard to describe so I am also afraid of invalidation I guess.

But the night before my therapy, when I was going crazy with that overwhelming anxiety and wasn’t able to do much about it, I finally decided that yes, this time I am going to try and open up to her, whatever it takes, I want to be finally free from it. It was a very hard decision for me and I was scared, but I prepared for it emotionally and was ready for the shit to come out and hoping I’ll be able to indeed trust her enough to tell it to her when I see her.

So yes, I saw her, and I told her I had so much anxiety and she asked me what it’s about, so I was telling her about it, and didn’t even actually reach any point in it, because she just interrupted me and said that yeah, she understands it, this anxiety surely represents the fact that I am blind and have to depend on other people..

I was like “emm, what’s the point?”. I know that different things we fear, or dream about, or such, represent different situations in our life, or our relationships, or something, in psychodynamic therapy, a bit like in psychoanalysis, but I dont’ know what could this kind of anxiety have to do with depending or not depending on other people. She kept explaining to me that it makes me feel unsafe, depending on other people, that is, and therefore I may have different kinds of anxiety.

It could be true in some part, but not in regard to this particular anxiety, I think.

I felt like, again, she’s putting my blindness in the central place while there are so many other things that are much more important, much more of a deal. But above all, I felt like my fear has just become true and no one can relate to this kind of anxiety I experience and that she has just invalidated me, not on purpose for sure, but still. She didn’t even listen to me, I only managed to tell her a little about how I suppose it began, and she already assumed she knows everything.

It wouldn’t be such a big deal to me because everyone gets more or less invalidated sometimes and it’s impossible for people to be always able to relate to you, you don’t only have to do with very supportive and understanding people. But it was such a huge issue to me to even just tell someone anything about it, some more details. I was preparing for it for the whole night before and was literally shaking and sweating and all, it was an incredibly hard thing for me to do, and hard decision to tell her about it and work through it. And after that I feel my fear of talking about it is even stronger, and that’s when my doubts started, regarding whether I should stay with this therapist, or actually have any therapy.

So yeah, I am afraid of tomorrow’s session, ’cause I know I’ll probably have to talk to her about it, how she sees it, and I’ll be very curious to learn what else is my blindness causing to go wrong in my life. πŸ˜€ I can’t not be cynnical here sorry.

And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you I didn’t have horse riding for two weeks either. Last week I was sick with some ovary infection or whatever it was and this week my instructor had a surgery, not a serious one apparently, but still a surgery, so she needs to recover. I hope though that next week I’ll be able to go, I really miss my horses lots and lots.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare. Sharing some stuff mostly about therapy, still with no almond milk. ;)

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Oes unrhywun fodlon i gael paned o goffi, neu beth bynnag arall, efo fi? Does neb ond Misha a fi ‘ma a mae’n teimlo tipyn bach yn unig…

Yeah… that’s how my brain is functioning right now haahaha. Did two challenges of my Welsh course again, and now my language structures seem to be rather messed up lol. I’m damn proud of myself again, even though I’ve been rather depressed all weekend, and even though now I feel a little bit drained intellectually. Don’t know whether I’m thinking always grammatically correctly in my Welsh, but anyway, I’m glad of it really. I just meant to ask you if anyone’s up for a cuppa, or whatever else, and that there are only me and Misha here so it feels a little bit lonely, however now we’re not just two here, Zofijka just came in, still though some coffee would be cool, wouldn’t it? I won’t drink coffee with Zofijka, so if anyone’s up, join in.

Still no almond milk, Mum said she’d got it for me while shopping yesterday butΒ  she didn’t, she just forgot. But it’s not that very important, we still have a lot of other drinks, and we’re about to order some food from KFC with Zofijka. Mum and Dad are on a day trip.

So grab whatever you feel like drinking or eating and let’s have some coffee share.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’ve been doing this week…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I”ve had a pretty decent week overall. I’m feeling kinda depressed since yesterday, it got a bit alleviated after I forced myself to do Welsh and that it went fairly well, but I hope that’s just temporary, maybe some PMS stuff or something.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I emailed, the one doing psychodynamic therapy, got in touch with me. She wrote she was on holiday so couldn’t contact me earlier. I gave her my Mum’s phone number because my own phone was broken at the time and being repaired, and she wrote she’ll call me the next day in between sessions and told me the approximate hour. So we were waiting, me and my Mum, but she didn’t call at that time although we waited for it for quite a while afterwards and it was like late afternoon, so I went to my room and was doing other stuff and then she called in the evening. It started off badly and awkwardly, because, ya know, what kinda impression you can get when you call someone and their mum answers, or rather what kind of impression you can have about such Mum. She was sure my Mum is some sort of narcissist or other abusive jerk, we didn’t think she’d call that late, I was sure she changed her mind or forgot or will call next day or email me or something. So then I talked to her, was very anxious about that, and it didn’t seem to go well at all, she even asked me whether I am sure that my Mum won’t make any problems later on in therapy because “some parents” struggle with accepting that their child is healing and changing their roles in life and such. I was rather baffled but said I think my Mum is conscious enough to not do such things and I don’t think she’d like to influence my therapy in any way. My another awkward move was that I didn’t tell her I’m blind right away. It was actually intentional, I’ve had so many situations in the past when I would tell people I am blind, like various kinds of teachers, professionals etc. and then they’d say they can’t work with me because they don’t work with the blind, as if there was some secret recipe for for example teaching blind people Finnish, or they’d just panic or something. Also, for me, my blindness is rather a natural thing, so when we finally started to talk and I got so stressed I just forgot about that and whether to tell her about it or not. But after we disconnected I realised that actually in therapy it may matter that I’m blind, a bit more than in some other areas, because indirectly some of my issues are related, or caused, by my disability. Plus, is this really better to shock someone instead of telling them things right away? I felt kinda uncomfortable with this and was pretty sure we’re just not gonna get along after all that, that she won’t be willing to work with me. Also because her first impression of me and my Mum was so disadvantageous, mine of her wasn’t much better. I had an impression she is a very impulsive person and not in the good sense at all. She set our first session for Friday.

I was just physically sick of anxiety waiting for it, thinking more often than I can count about cancelling. I was anxious about this completely new experience in general, but also about meeting this therapist. But at the same time I was strangely curious, and wanted to give us both a chance, and some part of me was extremely determined to finally get some help, although it’s generally just fucking hard for me to ask or receive support.

Finally that day had come so I was all jittery and catastrophising, it just couldn’t go well.

Surprisingly, yeah, very surprisingly, it turned out to be pretty good. I told her I’m blind and I saw she was pretty surprised for a while, but not like shocked, and definitely not in a negative sense, she just asked me why didn’t I tell her about it before so she could come and help me to her office, but I told her it’s just a very natural thing to me so it just got out of my head in the stress to tell her and that I’m with my Mum, i guess she thought she’s my guide or assistant or something and not my Mum because my Mum left very quickly and didn’t talk much to her, she was also embarrassed a bit I guess about that earlier situation. But other than that she was OK with it and had a lot of questions as for my functioning obviously like, you know, how did I find her if I’m blind and who helped me to write an email to her, so we spent some time talking about all things blindness related, and she was in awe about how supposedly independent I am to be able to write emails and stuff. I told her of course about that phone situation and why I gave her my Mum’s number and she was absolutely OK with it, just was worried my Mum is some sort of invigilating narc as I wrote before.

As for the session, I have pretty mixed feelings about it, though overall it went well I think, if you can say anything constructive after the first session with a therapist. She is a very warm person and I found it quite surprising, I’d say she seems more emotional than my previous therapist, the one with whom I did CBT over the last couple months, and I definitely didn’t expect it, I thought for some reason that a psychodynamic therapist would be more matter-of-fact and rational, and I’m glad she’s the way she is, I don’t think I’d do well with someone thinking overly logically. I could indeed say she’s impulsive, but not in the bad sense, I’d say very empathetic and, well, dynamic. πŸ˜€ And that’s rather new to me because so far the therapists I worked with were rather calm and very composed, even my first therapist Monika who was very kind and emotional and understanding, was at the same time very very calm. Don’t know what’s better or worse or whether there actually is anything that’s worse or better, it’s just new to me to work with someone like her, as I’m sure working with someone like me is for her.

We talked, rather briefly as for now, about my issues regarding the past, I told her how I feel weird when thinking about it as trauma and that thinking about some of my past as traumatic is very new to me and feels confusing. We talked about my social anxiety and anxiety in general and about my diagnoses, and I told her quite a lot about my general life situation.

She told me something very interesting but also very striking, which no one has ever told me before. I was telling her some stuff about the boarding school and how I couldn’t adjust there etc. you know I was writing a lot about it previously, and she suddenly interrupted me and said that I provoke her all the time to reject me. That I tend to say very biased things about myself all the time like that I’m weird, or that other kids were more normal, or that I very often use negatively marked words to describe myself or my behaviours/reactions, and tend to overly justify people’s behaviours, so that the general message she said she’s getting from me since we met is like “Hey don’t like me because I don’t like myself and you can’t like me!” and it looks like I desperately want people to reject me, Of course I don’t, but as she told me about it, it caught my attention because, yeah, I definitely don’t like myself, most of the time or in most regards at least, but I never thought about it this way, that I provoke people to reject me so openly, and that it could have such a big effect on my relationships. Now I see it, or at least, kind of. It was very striking discovery for me. I wonder whether that could be the reason for so many of my relationships to be so short-lived or ending up yucky, even though I don’t talk to many other people so openly about myself so they don’t get a chance to know what I actually think about myself, in fact I know that many people who know me, or particularly who knew me in the past in real life, think I’m a bit haughty, but I guess there might be some subconscious communication involved as well and I might reject people subconsciously. That’s so weird and I feel a bit confused as for that. And that topic was coming back regularly throughout the session and then afterwards I wanted to give her my real phone number as my phone was repaired by the time I had therapy, so I took out my phone and told her I need to find my number, because my brain is so freaky I don’t even know my own phone number without looking at it, I just love all things numbers. And she wanted to show me I’m doing it again, saying bad things about myself, but then I told her that I’d rather differentiate self-loathing from deprecating humour, because I said it rather jokingly in that speciffic situation. I don’t feel worse from other people just because some of them are better than me with numbers, it’s nothing I want to be good at, so, yeah, I wasΒ  just joking, in fact I like it about my brain that it’s more creative and not limited by any mathematical schemes – I told her. But she told me that she’s always had an impression that those who use self-deprecating humour the most usually deprecate themselves in other aspects of life as well more than the rest. And that made me think about Vreeswijk suddenly, so then I knew she had a point here again, and just couldn’t help but laugh. πŸ˜€

We didn’t do much more, but I felt relieved after the session, despite those kinda weird discoveries about which I still don’t really know what to think and what to do, I was happy we were able to get along despite that awkward situation at the beginning and I was happy I could talk about some of the issues with someone and that she at least seemed to get it. What I found a bit hard was that I had an impression we’re having some issues with communication. Like sometimes I’d say something to her and she’d talk about something completely different and it was hard to get for me where she’s actually going to, or the other way around, she was saying something to me, and I didn’t know what she meant and wanted from me and we couldn’t just figure out each other. Or pretty often I had the impression that she was expecting me to say something, and if I did something different, her reaction was a bit like I said something kinda wrong, and yeah I didn’t always get what she actually wants from me and it was quite confusing. I don’t really know why it’s this way, I find her way of being a bit chaotic, but then so am I, it just manifests in different ways in each of us, so maybe that’s why, or just because we both didn’t talk to each other before, that I was stressed, and she was surprised by all that she got toΒ  know. Also I find it often hard to describe my feelings clearly while talking so maybe that could be the reason for the communication issuesΒ  as well. I just hope it won’t be a long lasting thing and will get better with time as we will get to know each other more because at times I found it a little bit uncomfortable and bizarre.

But overall I think she’s really good and my Mum says that as soon as she saw her she knew I’ll get along with her and she’ll be able to help me, that’s interesting.

Yesterday though, I started to feel a bit crappy emotionally and then worse and worse as if some larger mood dip was about to start and soon I found myself in that dark, self-loathing hole again, andΒ  was overloaded with feelings and felt like self-harming a lot. I didn’t, but it was really strong at some point. I don’t know, whether it’s a coincidence, or some defensive or other kind of mechanisms kicked in so early on, but I think it’s weird I feel this way so soon after therapy when it went so well. I’ve been just so full of depression and anger for God knows what or whom actually and urges and self-loathing thoughts over the weekend, yesterday it was a bit hard to function properly and I would gladly not come out of bed at all if I could, but would it change anything? Doubtful. As I said, today is slightly better, I found the motivation to do my Welsh, which I didn’t do yesterday, nor on Friday, nor on Thursday because I felt to anxious, and that lifted me a bit.

And last, but not least, if we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Zofijka has just made some chocolate custard, well it’s not custard actually, we don’t eat custard i Poland regularly, it’s like our Polish custard pudding but you have starch in it instead of egg jolks, you can make it from scratch of course but most people just buy the concentrate and then add some other ingredients so it’s quick to make, you can have it in many flavours like vanilla, or cream or banana or cherry or chocolate, or caramel, etc. And Zofijka just saw we have and decided she’ll make it on her own, for the first time. Sofi is a really good cook, so it obviously went well and we both liked it. It wasn’t very sweet but oh well, we just melted chocolate and added to it when we realised it’s not sweet enough and it was yummy. Zofijka is now very happy and proud of her new culinary achievement. :)It turned out she made a bit too much of it just for us two, so we can have some for the coffee share if you like. πŸ˜€

OK, so I guess that’s all from me for today.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to another

Weekend Coffee Share.

Grab some coffee, or whatever else you prefer, and join in. It’s much cooler now than even yesterday morning, which I am very glad about, and Misha is too. Though his sleeping patterns remain unchanged so far. He’s still asleep. I told you last week that I’ll have almond milk for this weekend’s coffee share to share with you (doesn’t Weekend Almond Milk Share sound way more sophisticated than plain Weekend Coffee Share? πŸ˜‰ ), but I don’t have it. I just ended up not doing any shopping, so yeah, maybe next week. Hope no one feels too disappointed haha.

I wrote a bit of an update a few days ago so you already know a lot about what I’ve been up to this week, if you don’t know and want to catch up just go

Here.

If we were having coffee I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I contacted on Thursday didn’t write back to me yet but I’m still hopeful. I was a little concerned because I couldn’t find anyone else in my area doing psychodynamic therapy if she wouldn’t respond, but yesterday I found out about a clinic in Gdynia which specialises in it, so I might contact them next week if I’ll need to. Gdynia is further from me, not far but not particularly close either, so I’d also have to ask Mum what she thinks about it, if I would have to have therapy there.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday in the afternoon we got a lot of rain and storms and that’s such a huge relief to me, because this heat was really overwhelming. Summer is nice, and warm weather is nice, but oh God, please, 36 C?! Isn’t that crazy?! The question is obviously rhetorical, it’s devastating.

And as we are talking about that, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that due to that weather we had I suspended my Welsh for a while. I mean my Welsh course, if you’re learning a language and doing it for fun you usually learn something every day, no matter if you’re doing your usual lessons or not. At first I wanted to be bold and still do it, despite I usually feel really crappy physically in the heat, but then I decided it doesn’t make much sense to just play a hero for the sake of playing a hero since I won’t learn much this way and I stopped it. Today though there was no reason to prolong it so I did my Welsh challenge, despite the break it went pretty wel. Then I went to show off to our learners’ community and one of the people asked me so why won’t you do another one then? I hesitated for a while, felt lazy and not quite like doing it but decided to do so anyway. So yeah I did another one, it went by even quicker than the first one and it felt like I was even better at it than at the first one lol. My new favourite welsh word is o ddifrif (o THEE-Vree, the dd is pronounced like th in the, the f is pronounced like v and the f at the end is silent), which means seriously, and ddifrifol (thee-VREE-vol) which means serious. It doesn’t sound serious at all, does it? πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a brilliant, lovely dream last night, involving my current music crush Gwilym. And OMG it was so vivid. Well, all my dreams are vivid, most of them at least, which can be both fantastic and shitty, but it was just so… I don’t even know how to call it haha, let’s just say wonderful anyway. It made me feel really good, as my crush dreams always do, but it didn’t stop the anxiety that I still feel somewhat since that last sleep paralysis to creep into my mind again pretty soon after I woke up. I try to not care though, or pretend I don’t so that it won’t get the satisfaction at least, and despite the anxiety I feel pretty positive today.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you tomorrow is a sort of our parish church’s day, it is a thing in Catholic churches in Poland – each one has its patron saint and the day that is this saint’s feast day, they celebrate it with a lot of splendor, but also in a kind of rustic way, even in the cities, and to be honest, I usually don’t like all those celebrations, they feel very trashy to me. One of our patron saints is saint Roch, his feast day will be soon, but the celebrations are tomorrow for us, he is also a patron saint of animals, as far as I can remember there was some sort of legend that after his death he went to heaven with his dog. And because of it, among all the usual trashy stuff, there is also an interesting tradition in our church, namely pets are blessed and consecrated. Mum and me were last year with Misha (we were joking it was his christening hahaha), and I think we will go this year too. It always makes him a bit nervous because he doesn’t go out much and there are lots of other animals and he doesn’t have much contact with other animals, but also it is one of the few opportunities for him to get out and be safe with us, and he still likes to go out, as he often manifests very clearly. πŸ˜€ Plus I think it is a cool habit. Some people tend to think animals are some sort of worse kind of creatures, my Dad even thinks it’s a profanity to pray for a pet for example when it’s sick, and yes there certainly are some limits and I don’t say we should do with pets or allow them to do just the same things humans do, but they’re also God’s creations, good natured and often much more innocent than humans, so why such little things as praying or blessing them could be a profanity? I’d rather agree with Lucy Maud Montgomery who said something like that we can pray for anything we love, I guess Judy Plum said it in “Pat Of The Silverbush”. She was Presbyterian but I don’t think it makes much difference in this case, actually I think that Catholic faith is more emotional and stuff so we should think so and practice it as well. I am sure that God also created Misha with some sort of purrpose and loves him, it wasn’t just an accident that Misha appeared in the world, otherwise He wouldn’t make him so beautiful, so He must care about him. Plus I am strongly convinced that God has a sense of humour, a very good one, though a bit too ironical at times, and if someone has a good sense of humour they can’t have such stiff rules as my Dad does, don’t you think? πŸ˜€

OK, I think I’ll go now, I think I’ll turn on some music and go to Dreamland for a while, I’mΒ  feeling like it and don’t have anything much better to do today, and that seems to be a cool idea anytime.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Yup, there’s nothing better than a hot steaming strong coffee is there? But maybe not in this kinda weather.

So OK if you wanna have coffee here you are, but what I’d highly recommend in this awfully hot atmosphere would be definitely something cooler. I am sipping on orange juice with a whole lot of ice. Even the ice itself is yummy hahaha. Can anyone tell me why do I like ice so much? πŸ˜€ No not only to have it in a drink or suck on it or whatever, I just love ice. But why?! I’m pretty curious, but I’ve never got to know so far. But I guess I’ll never understand my freaky brain.

OK so I can pour you some coffee or ice coffee or tea or orange juice or water with lemon, that’s pretty much all we have at the moment, but weirdly enough I’m craving almond milk and I think I’ll need to buy myself some so that we could have some for the next coffee & almond milk share, if anyone else would fancy. I love almond milk, but I rarely have it. It sounds so sophisticated… Almond milk. Doesn’t it? As if you couldn’t drink normal milk like all the normal people out there. But no, I can’t. I don’t like cow milk, at least not on its own. And more importantly, I’m certainly not normal. But that’s another thing.

Ok so if we’re done with the drink thing, if we were having coffee, I’d ask everyone of you how are you doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather uneventful week. My anxiety has finally lessened. It lasted very long, and it was hard to get out of that murky shitty place I was in, but it’s mostly over. Luckily I didn’t have any sleep paralysis episodes this week and I hope it will stay this way as long as possible, I’m really sick of this kind of anxiety for now, it was really debilitating and made me functioning very poorly.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Zofijka is at our cousin’s. I think she’ll stay there until tomorrow, if not longer. She’s been out travelling or visiting people a lot this summer, and all of us are really happy about that, I don’t know how about Misha, his feelings seem to be mixed, but he also benefits from this situation.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach on Wednesday. My parents, Olek and me. It was really cool. We were much more lucky than last Sunday when it started to rain as we came to the sea. It did become stormy and cloudy but not until we were leaving. By the time we were by the sea it was very sunny and not too hot, really nice, and I spent most of the time in the water. Then we went for a lunch to a restaurant and it was absolutely delicious. Maybe we’ll also go to the beach tomorrow. My parents were also by the seaside on Thursday but I didn’t go with them, they were going with some Dad’s friends so I wouldn’t have much to do and would feel rather bored so I just stayed home, since my anxiety was more settled so I could, without freaking out, even though Misha didn’t want to keep me company and slept in one of his top secret hideouts. But that was OK with me and I had a great day.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m thinking a lot about my therapy lately. Because I don’t really feel like me and my current therapist get along with each other. I mean I like her as a person, and I appreciate that she offered it herself to me that she would be willing to work with me when I got my diagnoses of AVPD and dysthymia in March, but I don’t click with her as a therapist, or so I feel. I feel like I haven’t made much progress with her. Like I feel somewhat relieved knowing finally my diagnoses and thought that from now on when I know what’s wrong with me I’d be able to handle it better with her help, but I don’t feel like a lot has happened since I saw her for the first time. On the other hand it’s only since March that she’s my therapist, so maybe it’s too short to make statements like that, maybe I should give us more time? And also my previous therapist, although we didn’t have regular sessions in like last five years, she knew me very well and I was quite significantly attached to her, we were working together for like 10 years or such, since I was at the integration school so it was really a long time. So maybe I’m expecting to much from this therapist or something? It’s hard to say I guess. Also this therapist I work with now works in CBT, while Monika, my previous one, was also primarily doing CBT but was mixing the various other models too, and I feel like she was more flexible and open-minded. Also the work I did with Monika was that much different that back then I indeed needed some speciffic, concrete coping skills, or very speciffic support from her, because my life situation was different, I was seeing her less regularly, most of the time when she was my therapist I was at the boarding school, so needed some clear and working strategies to cope and survive, and CBT is I suppose something that works well in such cases. We focused on ongoing issues that I needed to solve or things I didn’t cope well with or my ongoing fears etc. and there wasn’t much place at that moment for any deeper work because – at first due to me staying mostly at the boarding school and not being able to see her often and then due to her very busy schedule – we just couldn’t see each other very regularly and most often were just checking in on the phone/via email or having a session once in a while when it fit both of us. That just had to be enough and there weren’t many other options for me at that time to get any professional support and I feel very lucky that I had her at that time. I don’t think many other therapists would be so open and so very supportive for me at that situation, being available always then when I most needed her and was most distressed, and looking at my issues objectively.

But now, as my life situation has changed and is more stable, I’m wondering whether CBT is really for me. They say it works for both mood disorders and anxiety disorders and that AVPD is also usually treated with CBT, but, I’m just not sure if it is what I’m looking for. I feel like my issues, particularly those from which my AVPD seems to come from, are mostly deeply rooted in the past. And I wonder whether now wouldn’t be a good time to process some things to be able to move on. Also I don’t think I have one strict, concrete therapeutic goal right now that I want to go to and achieve. It’s much more like there are many things I want to grasp somehow, either proces or learn to live with or get rid of… I am kinda anxious about this whole digging in the roots of things but maybe that’s what would help me? So I’m wondering which therapeutic model would fit me more and maybe it should be something like psychoanalysis/psychodynamic therapy? That sounds like it could be really suitable, but then new doubts arise and I just don’t know where to go from there. I also thought maybe Gestalt therapy could be helpful with the AVPD thing, maybe not processing but things like my self esteem or anxiety, and that it looks into the future, which I always see as so very black and awful and depressing. And I am just confused as for what to do.

Another thing is that in my particular area I guess there wouldn’t be very many therapists. The easiest way to get to therapy is in our local psychological clinic, but from my previous experiences there and opinions from some other people I suppose that most therapists that work there are doing CBT. Because I can’t commute on my own, obviously I wouldn’t like my Mum to have to drive with me once or twice a week somewhere far away or that is hard to get to. So yeah, lots of confusion here. I am also considering some online therapy, if not as my main one then maybe as an addition to the sessions with my current therapist which I have fortnightly which sometimes feels not enough. So maybe that’s how it’s going to end up. I guess I have to think it through and give it more time or probably talk to my Mum about it. I haven’t so far. I often have an impression she seems significantly distressed when we are talking about my mental health issues so although overall we have a really good relationship nowadays, compared to how it used to be and compared to many other mother-daughter relationships out there, but in this particular topic it’s kinda tough. I guess she’s still blaming herself a lot.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m having a good, quite chilled out day today. I woke up extremely early but just wasn’t sleepy anymore. We played a little with Misha. But the rest of the day he’s been actually sleeping through, and he looks so cute. It’s incredibly hot as I said and after we had dinner I realised it’s way too sultry for me, despite the fan going on almost 24/7 in my room. Usually when it’s so hot I don’t go far from home much unless like to the backyard to cool off or with my family to the sea, on such days my blood pressure is usually LOW and same is with my Mum so we just don’t want to overheat even more to not feel worse plusI am way too sluggish and lazy then to go somewhere very far. But today I thought if I won’t go out of this house right away… I don’t know, but nothing good will happen for sure. πŸ˜€ So I asked Mum if she would like to go for a walk, and she said she would, so we went. We also bought some cool drinks on our way, and I felt a bit better when we came back. We got some orange juice and went out again this time just on the backyard and sat by our river drinking the juice dipping feet in the water and Mum was watching some video but it was in English and without subtitles, and my Mum doesn’t know much English, so I was translating it to her. And so now it’s 7 PM so I guess I’ll have a cool shower now and maybe will do my Welsh challenge for today, I didn’t motivate myself to do it earlier, but I am not sure about it, I don’t want my poor brain to be mad at me. πŸ˜€

Ah, and as for the language stuff, if we were having coffee I’d tell you my inner linguistic freak is over the mon and very proud of herself today. As you could see earlier today, I’ve translated a children’s song from Norwegian to English. I wanted to share it with you – I mean the song, in the song of the day series – because I think it’s cool and funny, but I wanted it to be understandable. I could understand it well via my Swedish, but couldn’t find any English translation online to share. SO my inner linguistic freak decided to take on a challenge and translate it herself. Considering that I can’t speak Norwegian, and am not an English native, I feel like it’s quite an achievement. It was quite a piece of work, despite it’s just a children’s song.

I know it has probably lots of various errors still, but in this case I didn’t aim that much to perfection, I just wanted to show you what it is about, I wouldn’t think I could translate anything from Norwegian to ENglish perfectly, particularly if I haven’t ever translated anything from NOrwegian to any other language before, so didn’t expect it at all. However although it’s not made for the sake of perfectionism, if you have any feedback, comments or you think I could fix something, it would be greatly appreciated, particularly if you happen to speak Norwegian and could tell me if I translated all the words well. I am sure there are some stylistical or grammar errors in the translation too so if you see any, let me know as well.

If you haven’t seen the song and my translation yet and would like, it’s here:

Alexander Rybak ft. Superbarna – Dyrene I Afrika (Animals In Africa).

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

What has happened to you this week? HOw is your weekend going? Are you looking forward to something? πŸ™‚