CajsaStina Åkerström – “Är Det Så Här Det Känns Att Komma Hem?” (Is This What it Feels Like to Come Home?).

Hey guys! 🙂

Today I’m sharing with you the second, and the last, song from this Swedish pop singer that I like. Just like with the one I shared yesterday, I don’t really know why I do, because as I said overall her music isn’t very much my thing. Perhaps it’s because of the time when I first came across it, and that due to this I have some nice associations with it. It also has quite interesting lyrics, which I was even able to translate for you. There probably are some things wrong with this translation or things that perhaps could have been phrased better or that I haven’t understood myself for what exactly they’re supposed to mean, but as I always say these translations are only to give you a reasonably good idea of what the song is about and in my opinion this one is good enough to do just this. There is one word in it that I absolutely wasn’t able to figure out what it might be called in English, the Swedish word is sly and I thinkit’s some kind of either lower vegetation layer or an individual shrub.

 

Led lights from a window

through layers of haze

A smell of freshly baked rye bread

traces of solicitude and life

Summer-bleached sheets

In a nice, freshly made bed

Is this what it feels like

To come home

Years and miles of longing

Have brought me to your door

I inhale this freedom

That lifts guilt off the back

The song is playing on the radio

With a beloved, known chorus

Is this what it feels like

to come home_

Days come go

The despair lasts for years

In mould that died the spring is blooming

A sigh for every step

I was ready to give up

But then you came

Like a long awaited, beloved friend

Is this what it feels like

To come home

The air after thunderstorm

Like starting over from scratch

The mask I once wore

Has now played its role

With you a circle has closed

Now that time becomes too long ago

Is this what it feels like

To come home

Days come go

The despair lasts for years

In mould that died the spring is blooming

A sigh for every step

I was ready to give up

But then you came

Like a long awaited, beloved friend

Is this what it feels like

To come home

Remains of a closed down track

With fireweed and sly

A deserted building plot, a thicket of nettles

Once the world was new

What caused the hope to escape

Led lights from a window

through layers of haze

A smell of freshly baked rye bread

traces of solicitude and life

Summer-bleached sheets

In a nice, freshly made bed

Is this what it feels like

To come home

Days come go

The despair lasts for years

In mould that died the spring is blooming

A sigh for every step

I was ready to give up

But then you came

Like a long awaited, beloved friend

Is this what it feels like

To come home

Like a long awaited, beloved friend

Is this what it feels like

To come home

Question of the day.

How many times have you moved house?

My answer:

Two. The first house we lived in was built by my parents and grandad some time after my parents married. My Dad didn’t really have the best job situation and it didn’t look like it was about to change any time soon, if ever, he also worked a lot abroad, and my Mum was studying before I was born but she didn’t really have the heart for it to begin with. After I was born, she felt she needed to stay at home with me, she started getting the benefits because of being my caregiver, but the strange thing with caregiver benefits in Poland is that they think once you become a caregiver, your only identity and your sole life purpose is being a caregiver, and if you even start working part-time or from home or something, your whole benefits will be taken away from you, even if you make a lot less than what you receive from the benefits. When I went to school the authorities did take the benefits away from her because apparently I was no longer under her care, but, with no higher education aand Olek being born, it would be even more difficult for her to find a job then. So my Dad, me and my siblings got used to the state of things, she accepted the situation and never ended up finding a paid job and has become a home manager as she calls it, and holds this position to this day. Thus, at the beginning of their life together, my parents struggled financially, so it was just a small house, with a kitchen, a living room and a very small bathroom downstairs and one big room upstairs which was my parents’ bedroom, and after my and Olek’s birth it was ours too, there was enough room for three beds, each in a different corner of the room. So I didn’t have my own room until I was 10, which I remember really amazed some of my school friends. 😀 My parents still considered themselves lucky – well, at least I know my Mum did – because they got to live close to my grandparents, they had help with the house building, a huge backyard they could use, they didn’t have to pay any rents etc. just for the heating, which would probably still be a lot less than if they had to move somewhere else and live in a flat or something like that. – My Dad’s financial situation improved drastically after a few years – my Mum often says she brings people luck and here it definitely sounds like it must have been the case, because I’m sure it wouldn’t happen without her intervention. – My parents were thinking about moving somewhere else entirely, but then my grandparents encouraged them that they could just build a new, bigger house on top of theirs. That sounded like a good idea to them so that’s what they started doing, but the whole process got complicated by several things, and also in the end it turned out not to be such a great idea. The family dynamics – with my Mum’s family – have changed in some respects, my Mum’s sisters started their families and decided they’d happily live on the same backyard as well and the more people, the more conflicts y’know. – Also the plan of how my parents wanted this house to be like didn’t fully work out. The whole building process was dragging on forever from what I remember, my parents were very stressed out and I was convinced that it would just never be built. 😀

Finally we moved in there shortly after Sofi’s birth, although we were basically forced to move out of our previous house asap so the new one wasn’t fully finished yet. Olek and Me had our rooms downstairs, mine was huge, and my parents had their bedroom up in the attic and after some time a small room for Sofi was added next to it. Sofi, however, didn’t spend much time there beyomd sleeping, as she much preferred playing downstairs close to Mum, and even if she napped during the day both she and Mum much preferred if she was somewhere closer so that Mum, or anyone really, could hear her crying. When she got a bit older Mum was also concerned that she would fall from the stairs or out of her crib when no one would be up there. I don’t remember if that was the ultimate reason why, but eventually, after about four years, we switched rooms with Sofi, to both of us’ euphoria and delight. I actually preferred living up there a lot more. This room had a nicer atmosphere to me for some reason and I made friends with it right away. I liked how it was so small and quiet and friendly and seemed more my style in terms of design, while my previous room was much better suited to Sofi in this aspect. I liked that I had practically my own loo up there – it was a small room inside my parents’ bedroom but they only used it at night, and it was perfect when there were a lot of people downstairs and I didn’t want to have to deal with them just for the sake of ging to the loo. The only downside was that the ceiling in there was very low so for the first few months, the first thing I’d do after getting up was hitting the ceiling with my brain, and sometimes even later on if I’d be too sleepy and forget about it being so low and get up quickly. So I’d often use that with people as a reason for why I’m so weird. 😀 Sofi, meanwhile, was also very happy to live downstairs and have enough space for all her toys and a huge wardrobe for all her clothes, which she always loved acquiring and changing as frequently as possible, or just having them for the sake of having.

The situation with my Mum’s family kept getting hotter, perhaps no dramatic arguments or anything like that, but all of us started to realise that, while family is a great thing to have, it’s also good to have more space between each other, or things can get quite unnerving and people get each other in the way, trying to be the one in charge, lecturing each other’s children and “borrowing” each other’s things indefinitely without the “lender” even being present at home. Such small things, over an extended period of time, can get extremely frustrating, especially if you’re the type of person my Dad is, with a heightened sense of individuality and need for territorial sovereignty. So my parents started thinking about finally buying a house elsewhere. Well, actually, they did almost ever since we’d moved to this second house. At some point they found a house in the town nearby that they kinda sorta liked, nothing special in itself but, in my Mum’s opinion, who is very interested in interior design and people has always envied her the skills in this area that she has and how differently our houses always look from everyone else’s, said that it could be made into something a lot better than it is. This is where we currently live. The whole process of moving here was never-ending as well, due to a lot of formal and familial issues, and rearranging a lot of things inside and out. We would probably also linger with this a lot longer, if not the fact that the furnace in our previous house broke suddenly in late autumn, and we knew we’d be about to move in a few months, so my Dad didn’t feel like buying a new furnace, therefore we used a… gosh, I think I knew how it’s called in English but now I can’t remember, either a compressor or a supercharger I think, anyway, we used that for space heating and that obviously wasn’t ideal as it couldn’t go on 24/7, and even if it would, we’d probably go deaf. 😀 So most of the time it was quite interestingly freezing and that definitely made us move out sooner, after about a week I guess. There is no tradition of naming houses in Poland, but my Mum did call our house Acacia River, since we live by the river, it’s flowing through our backyard, and our street is named after the acacia trees, which inspired my Dad to plant a lot of them here. This is definitely my favourite of the three houses we’ve lived in, although at the beginning I was sure I wouldn’t be able to love a house that other people lived in previously, and it wasn’t just me feeling this way. But of course over time we’ve made it feel ours and I guess it likes being ours too since all the people who’d seen it the way it looked before, when the previous owners lived in here, vs now, they say it’s a lot more beautiful. I like that it’s spacey and has its own spirit, and I love my room very much, and that we don’t have to share the house or the backyard with other people, not even family. I like that we live in a town so it’s close everywhere, yet because we live in the outskirts it’s really quiet here, no traffic, and actually feels fairly rural because it’s very green and there’s a park close to us, plus a lot of people actually do either some kind of gardening or farming here, so we didn’t feel like it was a major transition moving here from the countryside. 😀 But I also think I simply like this house the most because so far, living here has also been the best time in my life.

If you wanted to be exact, you could probablyy say that I moved around a lot more, because I was going between home and boarding school for many years, plus at school I’d also moved buildings in which I lived a couple times while staying there, but, while that contributed very strongly to my feeling that I was constantly on the move which I definitely didn’t like, I don’t think any of that counts for proper house moves.

You? 🙂

My favourite place.

Today, I decided to do a post based on a writing prompt that I got from the PaperBlanks app which is the following:

“One place I always feel happy is…”

I don’t know if happy as such (I’ve generally got a bit of a dilemma with the word happy), but there is definitely a place which cann often make me feel happier, because it is a place where I feel safe and where I know I can be myself and do whatever I feel like doing, and which my brain associates with happy things generally. This place is my room. It’s a place where I always recharge after peopling, where I go to when I want to be alone, where i do most things in fact that are important to me, from writing to learning to working to sleeping to daydreaming. I have a real connection with it and lots of good memories, even though I’ve only been living for four years in here.

I have no pics to accompany this post, but I thought I’d describe my room a little for you, so that you could have a bit of an idea.

Both me and my siblings live upstairs. When you go up here, the first door to the left is the bathroom, and then, next to it, there’s my room. One thing that I don’t like about it is that the walls here are rather thin so that I always hear people in the bathroom, which is particularly annoying when someone is showering as there is a whole lot of noise.

It has a green, flowery wallpaper and is quite girly in terms of the design I’d say. I have a double bed – which used to be Sofi’s because Sofi is taller than me and it was clear years ago that she was going to end up taller than me so Mum wanted to get her a bed that would serve her for years, but I don’t even remember now why it ended up in my room, anyway we switched beds with Sofi and I love double beds so I’m happy with that. – Sofi now doesn’t sleep on the sofa that she got from my room anyway, because she has like two rooms, one inside of the other, and recently she has arranged her bedroom in the smaller one, on the matress, it feels more atmospheric for her and she actually has a more comfy bedroom now. Anyway, I’ve got the double bed, which means I have the space for Misha’s bed on top of it as well, and all my many pillows and other things, and can toss and turn as much as I wish, which I tend to do a lot. Misha’s bed is in the far right corner of my bed – it is a basket –

Right next to Misha’s basket, there is my bedside cabinet. There is also my power strip that is fixed to it, which is more practical because this way the cables don’t get tangled too easily and I can use my devices more freely when I’m in bed which I do a lot. My bedside cabinet has three drawers, where I have some of my clothes and things like PJ’s, meds, cosmetics, important documents that I use regularly, Misha’s treats etc. etc. it’s real messy in there. On the cabinet, there is another, more fancy cabinet where some of my gem stones reside, as well as my gem stone figurines, and some other knick-knacks that I have and that just look representative in there because this cabinet has a glass so people can see what’s in there and often get very hyper about my stones if they see them for the first time. Others are in a sort of cassette that my grandad made for me for this purpose, or in boxes. On the sides of this cabinet there are little shelves and I often also put some things there, but what is there pretty much permanently are some saintly statues that I have, a little picture of Our Lady of Ostra Brama, a statue of st. Hyacinth, and of st. Michael Archangel, and I have my rosary on there as well, while on the other shelf there are cards that I got from people over the last couple of years. As for religious stuff there is also a picture of The Last Super on the wall above my bed that I got for my First Communion. Up on the gem stone cabinet hangs my Bluetooth speaker, which I now always use at night to play some music or radio from my iPhone, which is so much better than listening on the computer which I used to be doing for years and it was okay, but my current computer is quite loud, and it’s not particularly pleasant at night really to sleep in so much hum, it feels like in some sort of a laboratory or something. 😀 On the bedside cabinet I’ll typically also have my water bottle there, right now there are hyacinths that I got for my birthday and a mug and a pot of tea.

Right next to the bedside cabinet there is my desk with an office chair. On and under the desk there is the computer (I have a desktop one, Braille-Sense, and a salt lamp, just to make it look nice, I think salt lamps are really cool. There is also a hand-made box that I got from Sofi where I keep some things that I need to have in close proximity but don’t want them necessarily to cluter the desk space. There’s also my Bluetooth keyboard for the iPhone although I use the Braille-Sense to navigate the iPhone screen far more often, and my Bluetooth headphones are there as well. There are also drawers where I keep all sorts of work documentation of my Dad’s or other papers, tons of Braille paper sheets which I don’t really use because I don’t use a Brailler all that much anymore for anything but Braille paper is expensive so it would be a shame to throw it away especially that it does come in handy sometimes when I still do need to write something, or sometimes Sofi uses it for something when she needs a thicker paper, some stationery supplies and ready-made Christmas cards that I got from my Mum when I started sending out cards to people but before I came up with MIMRA, I usually use these when I send cards or something to people outside of MIMRA, loads of cables, pen drives, SD cards, and currently also a lot of candy that I got for my birthday.

To the left of the desk, there is a window. I have both curtains and external blinds, which can be quite helpful in the summer, because my window is west-facing and my room heats up super quickly even when it isn’t hot but just very sunny outside, and it also helps when it’s very windy. On the windowsill is Misha’s observation point, you can see a lot of interesting things from here. When he gets weary of the outside world, he can go to sleep in a little basket that is standing there.

A brand new addition to my room is a big armchair which is standing between the window and the cupboards, which my Mum got somewhere last week because she liked how it looked, but didn’t really know where to put it, and eventually decided it would fit my room best. Previously I used to have a very old armchair that used to belong to my grandma decades ago. It was mostly used by people like my Swedish or English or math tutor when they used to come here, or anyone who would be visiting. Because I no longer have tutors or anything like that, and don’t have much of a need for using the armchair myself, I’m perfectly happy sitting on my bed or on the desk chair, its purpose will probably be mostly decorative, as it apparently looks really well, and my Mum likes to sit in here when she comes to my room to vent about life, which she does regularly. 😀

Then I have cupboards where there are all the other of my gem stones, another energy strip which is fixed on the inside, which I use for charging devices that I either don’t need to charge very regularly or don’t use all the time. There is also my OCR scanner, different documents of mine, some only archival like from schools, some that are actually useful sometimes. Up on the cupboards are my books in standard print, the ones that were able to fit in my room. I don’t really have a good place for storing books in here, and there isn’t really a good place for a proper bookshelf apparently either, so most of my books are on Sofi’s bookshelves. The books that I have in standard print are mostly either Swedish children’s books that I got in Stockholm at Junibacken, or books about names, and some books with fairytales and myths from all around the world – – and my Polish-Swedish and Swedish-Polish dictionary, and some other Swedish and even Norwegian books that my Mum got in a second-hand clothing shop (yes, you read that right, that’s where my Swedish tutor found that you can find ridiculously cheap Scandinavian books and my Mum had a look and found loads of them that no one was interested in, only she never could figure out which were Swedish and which Norwegian so I’ve got a lot of both, and I’ve never read the Norwegian ones or even scanned them in full, even though I think if I set my mind to it, I could, it just sounds like a lot of hassle, and I’m not motivated enough).

To the left, there is a wardrobe where there are all my clothes, and on top of it are some cartboard boxes where Misha likes to go to sleep, particularly when he’s somehow overwhelmed and doesn’t want anyone to see him. There is also myy old Brailler up there.

What is a place that you feel happy, or just safe in, and that you like? 🙂

Question of the day.

What is the best holiday you’ve had without having to travel very far?

My answer:

Most of my holidays turn out good, and I hardly ever travel very far. I like to travel once in a while if it’s not too draining and not too much socialising meanwhile, and if I’m not forced to walk aimlessly around places like museums which usually hardly interest me, but I like to stay at my own home even more. I don’t feel the need to travel often, and, while it’s often a lot of fun to travel, it’s usually very stressful for me as well. I am hardly ever bored in my own company and so I don’t really need loads of special events or changes around me to have a nice holiday, often it’s actually the other way around and I feel overwhelmed by too much adrenaline. And I love to braintravel, it’s just as much fun! So I think, overall, all my holidays so far have been good, though of course there have been fantastic and dreadful moments.

How about you? 🙂

My ideal home.

What would my ideal home look like?

I really like our current house, and I think I’d like to have a lot of things the same way as here.

I’d like my ideal home to be in Wales – it could be in any of my favourite countries but I think as for living long term, I’d choose the UK, and most willingly Wales, particularly north Wales, especially if it could be somewhere in Gwynedd, perhaps in the countryside. I’d like it to be rather bigger than smaller, but not very huge, definitely not bigger than my current house, and this one is rather big. I’d like it to have the “feel”, you know, that you just want to be there, I’d like it to be atmospheric. My Mum is the best interior designer I know so I’d ask her to arrange it for me. It would be a vintage house, with a mix of old, kind of retro things, and new ones. I’d like it to feel cosy. I think I’d make my room in some calmer colours, it could be green as my current bedroom. I wouldn’t have ANYTHING red in my house, but kitchen and living room would be in more warm colours, just to make it more comfortable and homely. I would like my house to be as natural as possible – stone, brick and wood, no artificial stuff or as little as possible. And I think a more natural house would fit the place much better. I’d like it to have a big terrace on which I could go from my room, and from the terrace you could go into the garden, as we can here. Yes, I’d like to have a big garden. If my family would move with me, my Dad wouldn’t be able to exist without a garden, as gardening is his newly discovered passion. That’s all I can say at the moment, but I am sure that if I was building my ideal home, I’d have much more detailed picture of it.

 

Question of the day.

Where do you get most of the decorations for your home?

My answer:

Sometimes in secondhands, sometimes in various shops with some interesting trinkets, sometimes in our nearby Indian shop, and sometimes my Mum makes decorations by herself. It also depends in which room, cos for example Zofijka has a very typical teen room and all is from Ikea, or my brother has hardly any decorations.

How about you? 🙂

Question of the day.

Which of these describes the average state of your home/room/place of residence? (no judgment attached to these, not from me anyway).

a) very neat and clean, with minimal stuff

b) reasonably neat and clean, but with plenty of stuff c) clean but messy

d) just messy

e) other – pls expand.

My answer:

Definitely C right now, and most of the time. I like it this way though. I am not a perfectionist and I like to be messy if it doesn’t disturb my life in any way and if I am a creator of the mess ’cause otherwise it’s annoying obviously ’cause when someone else makes a mess it’s much harder to get inside their brain and figure out where they could put something I need right now, So, well, my room is just like me. 😀 It’s fairly clean though because living in the dirt doesn’t seem as appealing as living in the mess, lus my Mum is an OCD (colloquially speaking, but wouldn’t be surprised if seriously too) so everything has to be clean, otherwise she’s unsettled and life is pointless. When someone was coming to me though, like my maths tutor or my Swedish teacher, my room was always at least B, but it was my Mum’s work.

How about your space? 🙂

Home again! (whew)

Hhrrru?

Misha here. Does anyone of you have a present for me? It’s Cat’s Day! My humans didn’t have anything, hence my question. But I’m pretty sure you won’t have either, so will be glad enough if you’ll send me your best wishes. Even my humans wished me all the best and lots of yummy food. Btw, isn’t it genuinely vicious to wish a cat “lots of yummy food” and not have anything for him? ‘Cause, literally, I didn’t have anything today besides my usual cat’s food. Heyyy people, Lent isn’t for cats! And they don’t seem to fast a lot either, they had chocolate ice cream today. But I didn’t get my Mishy ice cream, not even any cat crisps. They constantly say I’m selfish, but they are far more selfish and not empathetic at all. If I am selfish, they are malignant narcissists, I don’t know what it really means, it’s not a cats’ thing, but I think it sounds very selfish-like and my human Mum called someone this way recently on the phone and Zofijka asked Mila what it meant and Mila said that basically that someone is selfish and malicious. So just like my human family. Does anyone of you guys have a cat? If so, please wish them happy Cat’s day and all the best in their lives and all the afterlives from me Misha Hhrrru? . And please, don’t mistreat them. I’d love to meet your cats. I’ve already told you I don’t know any cats in person, only my Russian blue Mum and a few siblings, but I almost don’t remember them, so at least online relationships of any kind would be a nice idea.

But actually I wanted to tell you about something positive that happened to me yesterday. I need to start from the morning though, which wasn’t particularly nice and I was in a very meowy mood. And my mum was in a bad mood too. You know that although I love people and sometimes can be very cuddly and feel people very well, I am also very wild as for a pet. I like close contact with people only when I allow it and feel like having it. But it’s hard when you’re the only cat in the hous of 5 people. I don’t like when someone picks me up and holds in their arms or snuggles for too long or touches me for too long or sometimes I may even feel scared when someone reaches out to me. And I felt this way yesterday when I came closer to my mum, but didn’t feel ready for a very close contact with her yet and she reached out her hand. I freaked out and ran away. And she got mad at me. She kept asking me if she ever did something wrong to me, if she ever harmed me in any way. Of course not, but I think I can’t help my reactions sometimes, sometimes they can’t too. But obviously I couldn’t explain it to her. So she said I annoy her and that she doesn’t even want to look at me. Yes, I don’t like close contact, I don’t like when it’s too much fuss about me, but such frosty indifference was too hard for me – a Russian blue tsar – to stand. So I was sniffing her and jumping around her and meowing at her and looking very emphatically, but she either didn’t react at all or just kept saying “Go away you bloody lone wolf I don’t like you anymore”. And I was sad.

Everyone did their own thing, but I didn’t have anything to do so was just walking around aimlessly meowing. I’ve told you that not so long ago I had my cartoonboard house on Mila’s table. It was my safe place. I could always slip in there and sleep through even the entire day and no one cared. Mila’s room is very quiet and I like it, she’s there most of the time, so although I’m alone in my house, I still aren’t at the same time, because she often strokes me and we hear each other and can talk to each other when we want to. It stood there for a really long time and although I have many hideouts allover the house as you know, this was my favourite. You know, like you may have lots of favourite places that you like to visit on holidays or whenever you have some free time, but there’s no place like home. And there’s only one place you can call home. But at the beginning of the winter Mila started to have some allergy and she is theoretically allergic to me, but it never really showed up, so she says she’s allergic to all the cats’ fur besides mine. But when she started to have that allergy, she and mum were wondering what’s causing it and tried to eliminate different things… And as nothing seemed to help, mum thought that maybe my house may be somehow a reason. There was a lot of my fur after all and my saliva and it was collecting a lot of dust. So, mum took it away. And put it somewhere high in the cellar. But even if I could climb up to it, it wasn’t my house any longer. Mum put out the textile that was inside and cut off the door, so it was no longer cosy and private and safe.

And if you think I forgot about that house and found my home somewhere else, you’re very wrong. It was traumatising almost for me. I had my soft and warm basket on the radiator in the living room, another basket on Mila’s window where I had my observatory and research station, a basket on Mila’s bed where I could sleep at night, different baskets on the wardrobes where no one could see me, but none of these felt like a real, lifelong home. So I often felt like I don’t know what I want or where I should go, I was literally homeless. And those stupid people didn’t know what’s going on, I had to live that way for months.

And, when I was walking so aimlessly yesterday, not knowing what I really want and longing for my home, Mum got even more pissed off, went downstairs to me, picked me up and threw to Mila’s room and told me to sit in my basket and sleep. I was sleepy and tired, but no, I won’t sleep at anyone’s order, definitely not. So I ran out and kept crying. Mila asked mum what’s going on and that I’ve never cried so desperately and whether I am maybe sick or something. I heard mum saying that she will lock me in the cellar if I won’t stop meowing. That wouldn’t make any difference for me. I would keep crying, but they are so selfish and didn’t want to hear it.

Then finally… mum started to wonder. Maybe he’s so unsettled because of that house, maybe he wants it back. Mila said it’s surely not the case, but then my heart jumped high from excitement. Mum went down to the cellar and… took my lovelly little house out! I was so thrilled. I was sniffing around as she stood it on its place. And I couldn’t believe it. I slipped in, and fell asleep.

And I am still lying here. Of course, not all the time. I went out a few times to eat something and to see if they have something special for me today. I am so happy I have my old new house back. Now it’s even more fresh and cosy, ’cause mum washed my sheets and made new door, that old one wasn’t tight enough, I think now.

It’s so great to be home again. Only I’m wondering. Was it really so difficult to guess?