G2K.

Time for G2K

which is a weekly series at Revenge Of Eve.

Here are this week’s questions and my answers.

 

Do you have a secret crush? Famous or not

I do, I’ve had many crushes for most of my life, famous, less famous or completely not famous. They were usually pretty intensive, I’d actually say it’s often more than a crush, not fully love, but yet not just crush. As for the famous ones, they have always been music crushes. My current music crush is Gwilym Bowen Rhys, who, actually, doesn’t seem to be very famous besides his home country, which is Wales, because his music is entirely in Welsh. When it comes to a not famous crush that I know in real life, at the moment, it’s Misha – my Russian blue cat.

What is their code name? (pet name)

I often refer to Gwilym as Gwil, since it’s his diminutive, or when I think about him or write about him in Polish and am in a particularly crushy mood I call him Gwiluś (-uś is a common masculine diminutive suffix in Polish). 😀 Sometimes he’s Gwillie. 😀 As for Misha, he has tones of pet names – Mishka, Mishunia, Teddy Bear, Miszmasz, Miska, Misa, The Grey Brother, Michelle, Saakashvili, Putin, Misha Pisha…

Are they aware of your crush or existence?

Existence – yes, in fact we’d been corresponding for quite a while in the past soon after my crush has started, that was I guess one of the craziest  and spontaneous things I’ve ever done in my life and don’t regret, I may write more about it in the future, but that’s a little complicated. Crush – don’t think so, and hope not, but he knows I like his music and admire him for his versatility. Misha, oh, sometimes, it feels like even if he is aware of my existence, he doesn’t care a bugger, or barely notices anyone’s existence. My crush on him, he either does see and is so cruel he doesn’t care about it either, or is completely unaware. 😦 ( 😀 )

How do you act or feel when they are around?

Well I haven’t ever been physically around Gwil, but at the time we were writing, I had experienced a severe episode of pseudo-OCD, checking my email every five minutes (at least). 😀 When I got the first email from him I could’ve swore I forgot how to actually breathe for a while. When I hear any of my music crushes’ – current or past – music, I feel just absolutely heavenly, I often call it that my brain is melting because it feels quite exact haha. I like to hear my crushes talking, or even more laughing, it works better for me than any ASMR triggers. Actually I am very sensitive to music and sounds, no matter if they’re crush related or not, which can be both good and bad to experience, I think I sometimes get that weird but fantastic feeling that people call eargasm. I am an incurable and most deviated of all the linguophiles on the Earth, or so I like to think, so the same that applies to Gwilym’s music, also applies to his accent in both languages, I am always obsessed about my crushes’ accents. As for Misha, I love his purrs, and all the humming, hhrrruing and gurgling sounds inside of him. I like to lie close beside him and listen to all his inner sounds. I like all his meows, even those most annoying, I like to immerse in his fur, feel his baby-like smell, even though I’m not that good at feeling smells as I am with sounds. I feel always at least a little bit more relaxed than when I’m without him.

Would you pursue a relationship if it were possible?  What holds you back?

Hmm, that’s interesting. Hard to say. With Gwil, if it were possible, I think I’d try, because then I’d feel like I missed out and even when my crush would become less intense, I would probably more or less regret. That could be a very interesting experience since he’s very interesting and, at least intellectually and as for our likes, we seem to have quite a lot in common, although we’re completely different characterologically. Yeah that could surely be interesting, even if it wouldn’t work out long term. As for Misha, we often joke with Zofijka that we three – Misha, her and me – are in a triangle relationship, lol, however silly and sick it sounds in reference to a cat. But seriously, no, I think our current level of the relationship is perfectly enough, although he could be a bit more emotional at times, but hey we’re both lacking in this sphere. But other than being more emotional I think our relationship should rather stay as it is, it’s fine, and I am not a zoophile. 😀 But, if Misha was a guy… gawd, I’d love to be with him!But Zofijka says he’d be an awful egoist, and would only need a girl to be his housewife and care for his food and clean socks, so, if so, no, thanks. 😀

 

G2K.

So I am participating in

G2K

which is a series at Revenge Of Eve.

 

How would you say others perceive you?  Confident or insecure?

Most people would rather say insecure, however some people get a false conviction about my confidence because in some situations I may act more confident. I’ve even had one guy saying I’m intimidating and overwhelming, and some people have described me as “bossy” and possessive, which kinda surprised me.

Are you confident or insecure?

Insecure.

If your answers to 1 & 2 are opposite, define your behaviors that make this so.

If people consider me confident, it can be because I do feel more confident around them, or the opposite, I feel incredibly insecure and feel like the only way I can get through it is at least try to convince other people I’m not. It’s usually a very subconscious thing for me but I’ve been observing myself more lately as well as people’s reactions. Sometimes people think I’m very confident because they get an impression I’m haughty or icy. It’s because expressing my feelings spontaneously is still a huge issue for me, and when I feel very overwhelmed I withdraw even more ’cause then I feel safer when people don’t know what I really feel. As for that guy who told me he finds me intimidating, well, my first reaction as I heard this was that I actually wanted to laugh, so unbelievable it sounded. I think it’s because we’ve been pretty open to each other about ourselves, and I think what he really found the most intimidating was – as my Mum tends to call it euphemistically – my “colourfullness” – ya know, all my experiences, interests and other quirks, with disability and mental illnesses on top of that, that’s a bit too much for some people, and I think he’s just felt overloaded at some point. My survival strategy in many situations has been to laugh off things and there was a period in my life when I was known among my friends as a bit sassy and I was glad about it. When it happened in the past that I had people whom I called friends, I used to be indeed quite possessive towards them at times, when someone matters to me a lot I involve a lot in their life and all that matters to them, with the best intentions, but not always in the best way, and some as I said called it bossiness. It is never something purposeful if I seem to people a bit intimidating though and I have never truly meant to appear so. Sometimes I feel like the fact I can appear confident or insecure to different people is a bit of two-facedness, and didn’t feel good with it, but you can’t always have full control over how people perceive you, plus in some way it’s all parts of my personality, I suppose.

Who do you attribute your confidence or low self-esteem to?

My self-esteem has always been low, and I think there have been multiple factors and multiple people contributing to that. But I also feel like it has grown a little bit over time and I think it’s mostly  my Mum’s contribution.

Write them a note in 20 words or less expressing your gratitude or feelings of injustice.

OK so because there are so many factors that have influenced my low self-esteem and it’s hard to pick the biggest one, I’ll focus on the positive contribution from my Mum and will write to her.

Dear Mum.

I’d like to thank you for believing in me and being always accepting of me as I am.

 

G2K.

G2K is a new series at

Revenge Of Eve

and it is a lot of fun. I strongly recommend you to join in if you’d like your readers to learn more about you.

• Who has always stood by your side?

I’d say my Mum, because she has, even if I didn’t know it or she didn’t express it, but a person about whom I know that always has stood by my side, even if he’s been doing it silently, is my grandad.

• What year were you born?
1997.

• Where were you born?
Pretty much in the same area where I live now, just in the town where the closest hospital with a delivery room was, and I live in the north of Poland.

• When is your birthday?
1st February.

• How many siblings do you have?
19-year-old brother Olek (Aleksander), currently learning to become a mechanic, exploring all the pleasures of newly gained adulthood, and also finishing this year, and exploring tons of new strategies for how to make money easily, and 10-year-old sis Zofijka (Zofia, or Sophie), a real scary screamy monster, but with a huge and fragile heart, always craving for attention, company, fun, movement and food, and since a few weeks a keen lover of skunks.

• Why is mental health important?
Because it affects your life on all its levels and it is essential to your overall well-being.

Journal prompt: Write a thank you letter to the person who has stood by your side.

Dear Grandad!

I’d like to tell you something I’ve actually never told you in a direct way, and which I now see really needs to be said. There’s so much I can thank you for – your love, acceptance, wisdom, strength, all these loads and loads of useful and not useful at all but interesting things, all the traits I have inherited after you, Mum says I have all your advantages and flaws, and although I think it is a little exaggeration, I still think we share a lot and I’m proud that I am similar to you because I admire you for so much…

But what I want to thank you for particularly now is that you’ve always stood by my side. Silently, but confidently, consistently and loyally. I love my family, I think I am lucky because I get along somehow with at least the maternal side of my family and I know they all love me each in their own ways and I love all of them in my own ways, but often there were times when I felt like I’m rejected by them or just not understood at all, like I am not one of them. But you have always believed in me. I think because we are so similar, it was easier for you to step into my shoes and feel what I feel in a certain situation, which wsn’t always what the rest of the family expected from me. Other people had their expectations towards me, often too high for me to meet, but you’ve always accepted me as I am and believed in me, maybe were even a little too uncritical, but well that’s what grandparents are for sometimes. Even if standing by my side meant to oppose all the others, even your most favourite daughter, you never hesitated. And that means so much to me because you could as well stand with them and be just expecting things. But you were always so understanding.

If someone knows me well, they know I hardly ever feel fully safe and secure. But anytime I’m with you, I feel more safe. ‘Cause I know you care about me more that I could expect, even if you never told me about it directly. Words are needless, if someone is a man of action. You’ve never used words more than you have to. And you taught me it’s nothing wrong when you can’t find words for what you feel. I remember all those moments when I was coming home from boarding school for a break and was struggling with something, and I always came to you with it. Not in search for advice, or to talk it through. Just to sit with you in silence, feel the warmth and strength of your hands. If we talked, it was either very brief, ’cause you always seemed to know what I feel, or on a completely different topic. I actually don’t remember talking to you about my struggles a lot or you asking me about them. But that was OK, that’s how our relationship is, and that’s how we both are, it would feel weird and kinda overly sentimental to talk with you about that, imagining it actually makes me laugh. I could describe to you different awful situations, or other bad stuff than happened, but never my feelings in detail,

Thank you for all the support, particularly in the years when no one else was truly and consistently supportive.

Thank you for your humourous approach to all the difficult stuff. You’ve never been overly positive or even optimistic about things, which annoyed me so much in my teen years in other people, but you taught me to laugh off sad things.

There are many more things I want to thank you for, but I’ll just say, thank you for being for me in every sense of this word. You were always somewhere in the background of my life, I even didn’t realise for a long time how much you help me and support me, but I believe so many things would be much more harder to go through without your presence or you thinking about me hundreds of miles away from me.

Mila

 

G2K.

Although it’s actually the weekend already, thought I’d catch up on Revenge Of Eve’s new series.

Eve over at Revenge of Eve has launched a new series, G2K,replacing the previous one called WYF.

 

Who does the cleaning in your home?

My Mum, usually.

What pets do you have?

A narcissistic creature that claims to be a Russian blue cat called Misha whom everyone of you already knows because it’s impossible to not know him. Also, my Dad has some aquarium fishes, which Misha is crazy about and still hopes he’ll one day be able to catch one.

When did you have your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

Never actually. I’ve been in love or had various kinds of crushes multiple times, but have never been in an actual relationship.

Where do you live?

Northern Poland.

How did you decide on your career?

My Dad’s accountant suggested to him that he could employ me, since I was studying only part time, so I could earn some money and he would have them returned because so it is here when you employ a disabled person, so he wouldn’t lose anything on it and I could either have some money for some things I want or can save them for the future, which I really appreciate as not many disabled young people are as lucky.

Why do you blog?

For very various reasons. Because I love writing, because I prefer writing than speaking, because having just my own diary started to be not enough for me, because I want to have some more outlet for my emotions and start to share them with others, at least through writing for now, because I want to have some more outlet for what’s going on in my brain, because I started to feel kinda isolated and wanted to get in touch with some more people and find some like-minded ones and maybe make friends with some, because I felt like I need to be more open about my mental health issues, because I wanted to share with someone what’s going on in my life, my fascinations and anything that matters to me, and finally because I want to improve my English skills or maybe also start to communicate more in other languages.