Maria Mena – “Speil” (Mirror).

Hiya people! πŸ™‚

Earlier this year, I shared with you one song from this singer already. This one is, from what I know, her first original song in her mother tongue, which is Norwegian. And just like that song I shared with you before (“Not Okay”) and like a lot of her music in general, I think we can also say that this one is very much a mental health song, dealing with the topic of low self-esteem and how it’s so strange that we often see ourselves so badly and want to have traits that we don’t have when other people, like our friends, see only good things in us and consider the things we don’t like in ourselves our good traits. This is a very happy, heartening song, encouraging you to use your friends, and all the positive opinions they have about you, as a mirror to see yourself in. I like it a lot, and as someone with AVPD, I can certainly relate to it, with my own view of myself and the good and bad things about me not seeming very congruent with what others think, but also I’ve always been wondering how it actually is, is it an individual herself or the people around her who get the clearer picture of what this individual is like? I’m inclined to say that it’s the person in question who knows it better, because you are with yourself 24/7 whereas your friends only see some bits of you that you share with the outside world so it’s impossible for them to know you as well as you do yourself. And obviously the bits you’ll want to share with others won’t be the worst bits of you, so quite naturally they’ll usually get to see the good things. On the other hand perhaps because they have an outside perspective they can be more objective in some way. Regardless though, whether it’s you or other people who are “right” about how good or bad you are, it’s always nice to think about the positive things that people have told you when you’re feeling yucky and self-loathing.

I guess I haven’t shared this on here before, but I’ve been playing around with Norwegian a little bit for the last couple months, trying to figure it out a bit more than simply by understanding some of it accidentally via my Swedish, learning about the grammar, vocabulary differences, all the dialects and stuff, mostly out of curiosity simply because it has never been on my most most favourite languages list, but who knows, maybe I’ll actually want to get fluent in it too. It’s certainly possible and since it’s so similar to Swedish I feel capable to learn it while still having Welsh as the language I’m learning primarily at the moment, because it’s not really like I didn’t have a clue at all about Norwegian to begin with and need to put as much work into it as I would into a totally brand new language. So today I decided I’ll try to do a translation of this song, and I actually did translate almost the entire song, but then figured it was sooo lame that I deleted it right away, even though I sat with it for like an hour. πŸ˜€ I constantly had a feeling that something was very wrong with it. I still don’t feel confident with Norwegian at all. Talk about low self-esteem. πŸ˜€ I generally don’t have this problem with my languages, but maybe I do with this one because it doesn’t really feel like one of “my” languages, or not yet. But I guess since this song has quite a clear topic and I’ve already told you what it’s about it doesn’t need a literal translation really to hit home.

Mared – “Over Again”.

Hey people! πŸ™‚

Today I decided that we’d listen to a really stunning piece from Mared Williams, also known just as Mared. This is definitely one of my most favourite of her songs. It deals with the topic of moving away from where you grew up and used to live, but coming back there and trying to keep in touch with friends. Mared is originally from Llannefydd in north Wales, although as far as I know she now lives at least some of the time in London. She is also the vocalist in the Welsh rock group Y Trwbz, as has been one of my faza people – Jacob Elwy. – She’s also in a relationship with Morgan Elwy, Jacob’s brother, with whom she sometimes collaborates also outside of Y Trwbz. This song was produced by the Drwm recording studio, and people like Osian Huw Williams from the well-known on the Welsh-language scene band Candelas, or Branwen Haf Williams from Cowbois Rhos Botwnnog were involved in the recording.

Question of the day.

If you died today, how do you think you would be remembered?

My answer:

No clue really. It probably largely depends on the people who would remember me, as I don’t think it would be the same for everyone, but also I don’t think there would be all that much to remember as I haven’t made anything all that spectacular in life. Most people who know me in any way would probably just have memories of some situations from their lives featuring me or something. My immediate family, the ones who live with me, that is, would likely remember my linguophilia, weird brains and all the other weird/quirky/eccentric stuff they couldn’t wrap their brains around, everything to do with my blindness, as well as my sense of humour, gloominess and my obsession with Misha. My Mum could remember our multiple deep conversations and that I’ve always tried to listen to her or advise somehow, she actually says that now, ever since I’m at home, that is not at the boarding school anymore, at least she has someone to talk to regularly, so actually it’s quite possible she would remember that. Sofi would have a lot to remember. All our games and other fun times and stuff we were coming up with together, our inside jokes and neologisms, weird situations to do with me she couldn’t understand but always wanted and other things she couldn’t make sense of, our arguments, fights, misunderstandings and hurts, funny situations we had together, she would mostly remember the Bibiel me for sure. I’m not sure how Misha would remember me to be honest. Probably as the one who always called Mish Mish Mish especially at night and who always wanted him to sleep with her, but more importantly as an addition to the most peaceful room in the house where one could sleep for hours without being disturbed by anything, with the softest places to sleep on/in or hide, so that it was even difficult to choose where to sleep when he was very sleepy, and with an abundance of treats which somehow magically appeared whenever he said “Hhrrru?” πŸ˜€

Most other people who know me in person but not that well would probably remember me as that blind/disabled girl or something like that, and my extended family would probably also think of my disability first and foremost. Some would perhaps also think of some of my interests or quirks or some other of my less obvious, that is not instantly visible, traits, but I suppose mostly they’d think about what they could see. Some, like my grandma, would probably remember me from my early childhood, when I liked to sing, which she always recalls when talking to people about me. My grandma doesn’t have dementia or isn’t stuck in the past or anything like that, well, maybe she is slightly in a sentimental way, but I guess for some reason thinking about me from that period is easiest or most pleasant for her or something. My gran in turn, I believe would remember me in comparison to all the other blind people she has ever known or heard about.

My grandad, who is like close family to me… I don’t know what he would remember about me really. I never know what he thinks. Maybe he’d remember me simply as the person with whom it was the most comfortable to just be quiet and understand each other without words, that’s I think how I will remember him when he dies. Maybe also he’d remember that I was intelligent because he’s always very proud of me for that saying I’ve got that after him, or he’ll remember me as an “x-ray” as he calls me. πŸ˜€ Or someone who was worth his support. He’d probably also remember my interest in gem stones.

And online people, again, I guess it depends very much from where I know them or what we know about each other or what do we talk about etc. etc. but mostly they’d probably remember my blog, Misha, possibly also my languages or my fazas or something like that, that I had mental health issues since I am more open about them with people online than in real life, and that I was nice/a kind friend or something like this, intelligent and quirky/weird.

What do you think people would remember you for? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

What are your favourite qualities about your friends?

My answer:

Many of my online friends have different qualities that I admire or greatly appreciate, and that’s what makes them my friends. Some are always very supportive and genuine and are great listeners, which I think we all appreciate in people and especially in friends, and which are actually very rare qualities in people I believe. Many of my friends are very intelligent people, often very talented in some area or just very analytical, which often helps me to see things in a different light, or that those things have more sides than I thought, be it something very trivial or some mysteries of the world, like God’s gender or cats’ IQ, even though I also consider myself a fairly analytically thinking person, two or more brains are always more than one which means more ideas, theories, and more dilemmas and stuff to figure out. Some are very creative and imaginative which I always admire in people. Some always succeed to lift me up or make me laugh and often have a very good sense of humour or are just more optimistic than me hahaha. With most of my friends I have some common interests which is also a quality I really like about them, that we just like similar things and can enjoy them together. Some are of immense help for me, well, at this point all my online friends are, because chatting with them improves my linguistic skills (can you believe that I don’t have any people at the moment with whom I would write in Polish? I’m not perfectly happy about it, recently my mind goes crazy because of that, ’cause if I talk to someone in Polish in real life I literally forget how to say it in Polish, I’m afraid what it will be like in the future hahahahaha. But I’m sure I’ll find some with time, or if not, that’s not a problem either, I’m just happy that I have lots of people to develop my English with, and Swedish too!). And most of them are more or less quirky which I always like about people, I like myown quirkiness, not all aspects of it but definitely most, and I love to see that I’m not the only one quirky being out there. πŸ˜€ Yeah, in recent months Ive been really lucky with gaining lots of new, online friends and just meeting lots of interesting new people online. And usually there’s one than more thing I really like about them.

How about you and your friends? πŸ™‚

Question of the day (30th January).

How would you describe your mum to your friends?

My answer:

Hm, I like to think I’m pretty good at describing people, and generally descriptions. But, I think it depends. Onn what kind of friend it would be, and what sort of description would be needed. Should they be able to recognise her on the train station if they’ve never seen her before, know what sort of mother she’s like, her personality, her likes and dislikes, should it be long or short? There are so many different ways you can describe a person. But OK, I’ll try to write something. I can assume that if you’ve read my previous posts, you already know a fair bit of basic stuff about my Mum, so I’ll focus more on her character.

My Mum is a tall woman, 180 cm, dark-skinned, she has sort of olive carnation I guess it would be called, black hair, naturally with some delicate glimpses of red and hazel eyes. SHe has a round face but with quite gentle features. She is very fit and healthy overall, though apparently she’s just a little bit overweight. You wouldn’t see it though for sure. She is very strong, both physically and mentally, but also feminine at the same time, though likes to think about herself as a pretty tomboy. I wouldn’t say that’s true, but she likes to appear as such. She is a great observer, notices quickly all the visual details of a person or thing she looks at. She’s an aesthete, loves beauty, but usually not symetrical and obviously beautiful things. she is very interested in interior design, and talented at it, very imaginative, dextrous and creative, although she has a very specific taste in it, likes to combine retro stuff with a little bit of a modern vibe, all kept in dark, warm colours, with lots of naturality. She generally likes all things natural. She is hugely passionate about health, lifestyle, natural and minimalistic lifestyle. SHe can talk about it for AGES. What’s healthy and what’s not, why all the pharmaceutical market is cheating, what natural remedies/alternative treatments you should try if you have this or that condition! I am also somewhat interested in medicine, not everything about it, but yes, and I do agree with most things she says, they are definitely true and she is such an expert that I always wonder why she doesn’t have a blog and spread her knowledge further, but hearing all this over, and over, and over, and over, and over… and over again is quite annoying sometimes. My Mum is also a minimalist, or tries to be. She is somewhat interested in beauty stuff, but doesn’t actually have many cosmetics and doesn’t care about them (because they are all just chemistry and people are naive to use them), but she uses lots and lots of natural oils, as much for skincare, as in food. She loves running, is an addict actually, and also does Tibetan yoga. My Mum is a Christian, Catholic, and her faith matters hugely for her, but does yoga for its health benefits, not getting into the whole meditation thing. She loves being out in nature. My Mum is sort of impulsive and sometimes overemotional, usually very spontaneous, optimistic and rather cheerful and likes having fun, but on the other hand she can be also very anxious and hypersensitive. She knows a lot about people and has some sort of a psychological talent, she knows how to talk to them and is also good at negotiating. People usually think she’s charming and nice. She likes to make an impression of an incredibly self-confident person though, and she has become much more self-confident with time, but apparently she’d been really struggling with it and still does at times. She is a homebody, likes her own company, has a bit weird sense of humour, is very intelligent though tries to make everyone else including herself believe that she is just an average housewife and a normal villager. She’s open-minded, curious of the world and likes to have her own way of doing things. She needs her solitude but she also makes a great hostess and likes making parties, meeting up with her family or friends, being around people, can be very outgoing, expressive and also diplomatic. there is generally lots of contrary stuff about her, and she often feels ambivalent about things which sometimes makes her really edgy. People tend to like her and ask her for advice on lots of things, though she often feels misunderstood because of her quite an unconventional view on many things and her unusual, individuaistic way of being. She is very energetic by nature, but because she’s been dealing with anaemia, very low blood pressure, just like me, and earlier some unmanaged food allergies, she tends to tire quickly in recent years. She is very communicative. She is very changeable, both when it comes to her emotions and moods, and her decisions, or even views sometimes, she also tends to be rather impatient. She is loyal, caring, and a good listener, but she can also get very chatty. SHe has generally very strong will, but her incredible changeability can make an impression that it’s not true. She likes to think about herself that she’s like people in the renaissance, likes to do anything, but with moderation.

Of course there is much more you could say about my Mum, just like about everyone, but I think that will be it for now.

How about your mums? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

Which of your friends are you proudest of?

My answer:

I’m proud of many of my friends, for different reasons. But most?… Like most?… Hmmm. I guess my friend Jacek from Helsinki, the one with whom I was writing about the vikings and the Norse gods. I really admired his passion and determination. He didn’t have the best family situation, and lots of other mostly situational difficulties to overcome, but despite them, he decided he wants to study Finnish, and go to Finland, and he did just that. Despite he had dyslexia, and many people were apparently just openly telling him: “Languages?! You’re not serious, it’s not for you!”. He lived in a rural area but he moved to a city quite far away from where he lived, and started to study there. And then they sent him to Finland. And he just amazed me with his social skills, that he was able to get things from people very easily because he was always so friendly and charming. He managed to get a job in Finland while still studying. I’m sure that if he wouldn’t pass away, the world would hear about him. He had such a charisma around him and I just felt lucky to be his friend. So if I had to pick one specific person, it would be him, because, well he was overall quite a remarkable guy. Also it was really impressive and moving to me how brave he was when he finally became ill.

But other than that, I think it deserves mentioning, that I am also proud of my friends that I have in the mental health email groups that I’m in. Particularly those who are trauma and abuse survivors. Won’t be naming particular people here, as I’m not sure if they would be OK with it, but I feel proud for all of them. I myself also have been through some traumatising stuff, which I’m still having trouble acknowledging but, well, it’s hard to call it otherwise so I guess that’s how it should be called, but no abuse other than some emotional, and I don’t have PTSD. And I’m just so very proud of all of them, that although they’ve been through so much often very horrendous stuff, they still keep going, and are so incredibly resilient. And I’m happy to be their friend and proud of all their achievements.

Same about all the mental health bloggers whom i already know at least a bit, I feel lucky to know so many inspiring people.

Also when I write with some of my penfriends, who are travelling a lot, or doing other fascinating things, I just can’t help but think: “Gosh, what gorgeous people I happen to know!” πŸ˜€

Well so actually I guess I mentioned all of my groups of friends since most of people with whom I’m in touch fairly regularly, other than my family, are either from mental health lists, or from the blogosphere, or my penfriends.

I guess I could find a reason to be proud of everyone of my friends, at least those closer one with whom I talk more regularly and personally.

How about you? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

Have you ever known anyone who dated, or was friends with someone famous?

My answer:

My school friend’s cousin dated a pretty famous Polish rapper. My another school friend’s dad is a friend of a guy who is a presenter in one of the local radio stations in our region, and he’s quite well known, the presenter I mean, not the girl’s dad. Also, as some of you may remember, I was writing for quite a while with one of my music crushes – Gwilym Bowen Rhys – sadly we don’t write to each other any longer, but I have lots of great memories from that time and I loved it, I think he liked me and it turned out we had quite a lot in common regarding our likes/dislikes. It was a very spontaneous thing to do for me to write to him, but I never regreted it and I think of Gwil as my friend, because our conversations were always rather friendly. I don’t know whether you’d classify him as famous, but he is somewhat famous in Wales, so I guess that may count. I’ve been thinking on writing some longer post on that since a long time already, but I’m still hesitating for many reasons.

How about you? πŸ™‚


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Question of the day.

You’re getting to build the house of your dreams, so…
Tell us about the housewarming?

My answer:

Well, is the housewarming really necessary? If I’m honest, I hate housewarmings. My experience in this matter isn’t very rich and I’m sure you can have a very nice one, but what bothers me about housewarmings is how obligatory they seem to be and more a duty than something you do for fun. You get a new house – you MUST make the housewarming, all the people you know expect you will invite them, and that you will make the housewarming. It’s so obvious for them that they don’t even ask whether you will do it but when. And if they’ve ever invited you to their housewarming, they will be deadly offended if you won’t return the favour, no matter what kind of relationship you have with them. So far all the housewarmings I’ve been to were just soooo boring and hopeless. So far I’ve moved houses twice in my life and when we first moved my parents did the housewarming, but it was a complete failure for various reasons, and my Mum said she’d never ever do it again so we didn’t in our current house.

But OK, as I said I am hopeful that not all housewarmings are so boring and awful. I’d make one if I had some nice people to invite about whom I’d know we’d all have fun together, whatever having fun would mean. It’s my house of dreams plus in such a nice area that I am sure there would be some cool people that I could invite. And I would invite you guys. And some of my pen pals with whom I’m coresponding for a while and know them well and get along. I would also invite some people from my Mum’s family maybe.

So actually chances are that it would be quite a big housewarming. Or no… I have another idea. It wouldn’t be too cool if I’d make one gathering for all the cool people I know from all the environments I’m a part of. It would be way too big, so no fun, and people from different environments maybe wouldn’t get along well enough to feel good. Like I can’t imagine for example C. and my gramma on one party. and not only because of the language bareer, which is another huge issue. So I’d made a few smaller housewarmings.

As I wrote earlier my house would be filled with harps, and I would often make some harp festivals and invite harpists and harpers, particularly Celtic, so maybe we’d have some harp music in the background, or any other kind of good music.

I’d ask my Mum to make some very Polish food like pierogi or her very healthy chicken soup full of colagen with noodles if it wouldn’t be too hot, her yummy homemade bread or other things like that, and all the cakes that she makes that people always devour immediately, so good they are. And I’d ask my Dad to make some smoked meat which people always like. Or my Mum would made just a few dishes that she’s always very good at and we’d hire a catering company to do the rest. I’d also like some Welsh food since the whole thing would take place in Wales.

That’s about some basic stuff.

How about your housewarming?

Question of the day.

Are you still friends with your childhood friends? Did you have many friends in childhood?

My answer:

No, definitely not. I was rather liked I suppose and had some people that I called friends deluded myself they were, but truly nothing strong enough could connect us so that we could be real friends. So although I was rather liked, I didn’t have any true friends I think, I considered my Mum as my best friend when I was a little girl and actually I still think so more or less. One of the girls I considered my friend in childhood and who also considered me one of her friends wanted to stay friends after I left the school and wanted to contact me online or on the phone as often as possible, I’d say she desperately wanted. I felt bad for that for some time, but I had to quit this relationship, which happened pretty recently. I was rather overwhelmed by the amounts of her messages, her egocentrism (I don’t know why I didn’t notice how high it is before) and how she still wanted something from me and took everything people did for her pretty much for granted. Maybe if I really felt connected to her and had some sense of common ground with her, maybe then I wouldn’t mind so frequent contact with her and wouldn’t feel like she doesn’t respect my privacy, also it’s not like I don’t like to help people, I do, but relationship with her was simply exhausting and I didn’t feel any advantages iofit for me, and I think if we are talking about friendship, both sides should have some benefits from it, even if for one or both sides it’s only simply satisfaction of being with that other person and helping her. I didn’t feel satisfied. And so I quit it. A bit radically maybe. But I don’t regret it. IN fact I feel much freer. I hope she didn’t suffer too much, I don’t wish her it definitely, but somehow I don’t think so.

How about your childhood friends? πŸ™‚