Question of the day.

Hi guys! πŸ™‚

This is my question for you today:

When was the first time you remember feeling really angry?

My answer:

I generally wasn’t the type of a child that would easily get angry, not in my very early years anyway, later it started to look a bit different, when I would bottle it all up and then my brain would suddenly throw it all out at once and I’d feel out of control, but when I was very small I remember I was actually wondering why people get so angry so often about everything, and how do they do it, like as if I didn’t even know how to be properly angry. πŸ˜€ Yet my very first childhood memory is all about anger. The first thing in my life that I remember is when Olek was born. I was 2 then, and some people tried to persuade me that children don’t remember things at that young age, but, well, turns out that I do, at least this one thing, maybe because of how intense it felt. Mum was in the hospital, and me and Dad came to visit her. I remember clearly when we came in to the hospital and then we were in a very creaky lift and I was a bit scared because I felt dizzy in it. Mum was on her own in the hospital room and we were both very happy to see each other. Olek, like me and Zofijka, was born through C-section, and she showed me her belly, and I saw the wound and all, it looked horrid, and I remember she had a big needle close to her tummy, I don’t even know what it was for, but, at least then, it looked huge to me and it was all just awful, and I was feeling absolutely, seriously mad at that horrible creature who did that to her, I think good for him that he wasn’t there. I was mad at him for hurting my Mummy, and for taking her away from me. I don’t remember anymore of that, but when me and Olek were kids, we weren’t really like typical siblings – yes we played a bit with each other, and yes we argued like all siblings, especially sisters and brothers do, but I didn’t really like him at all, and I didn’t feel anything positive towards him, I was indifferent to him at best. – And, while I don’t remember those things, my parents recall that I would often come over to him and start to beat him with something, or wouldn’t let him play with me or with my things, or wouldn’t talk to him etc. I was real nasty to him. And we still don’t really have much of a relationship at all, which kinda sucks, and is definitely weird, and we both feel pretty awkward around each other and mostly only talk casually. But I no longer beat him, I’d be afraid to do that as he’s at least 30 cm taller than me. πŸ˜€ And it’s not that we don’t like each other now, just don’t have a close bond I guess. But while it seems slightly weird, especially given that I have a much more strong bond with Zofijka who is 10 years younger than me, I guess not all siblings have to have a great relationship.

How about you? πŸ™‚

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Question of the day.

Hi people! πŸ™‚

When was the first time you remember feeling accomplished about something?

My answer:

Well, I guess I don’t remember which one could be the first time… I used to take part in many song competitions and such as a small child, so maybe something in relation to this. I especially liked our local song contest, where I competed with children from a special needs school in a neighbouring town, who were all multiply disabled often including intellectual disability, in contrast to me as I have only one disability per se, and I always won those contests, which wasn’t difficult for me at all, and I guess it wasn’t even that very fair as the jury were kinda biased towards me, haha, so not much challenge at all. So I always came back home from there with a big basket of sweets and we’d have a month or so of devouring horrendous amounts of them every day with Olek. Although now I wonder why they actually got me in there and then always made me a winner whether rightly or not rather than give more chances to the children at that school, and not make them compete with someone who had completely different kind of difficulties than them, I guess some people, even those in the field of disabilities, still think that a disability is just a disability and it doesn’t matter if you’re using a wheelchair, are blind, mentally ill or having a rare disease, it’s all the same for them, which is stupid. At least not all people are like this nowadays.

What’s the first accomplishment that you can remember? πŸ™‚

Working On Us.

It’s week #4 of Working On Us at

Beckie’s Mental Mess

and I’m very happy to participate in this prompts series for the second time. Last week, I was answering the questions for prompt #1, but this time, I found prompt #2 really relatable. It’s a photo prompt, so I couldn’t actually see it, but Beckie described it and the image of a brain inside of a bird cage really spoke to me. I suppose I should include the photo in my post somehow, but since I have no clue how to do it, and am blind, so don’t need to have a clue about pics haha, I’ll just leave it as it is.

I was thinking about that prompt a lot last evening and thought I would make some piece of creative writing but since I don’t feel very creative at the moment it’ll just be a bit of a ramble.

I’ve been fascinated by brain for years, and it’s one of my main interests. But it’s not only that why I found this prompt so relatable. I could say I often feel as if my brain was locked in a bird cage, and unable to get out, just never thought about such a metaphor before. What does it feel like when your brain is locked in a brain cage? For me, among other things, it means difficulty in releasing emotions, there’s no way to get them out, whether you want it or not. Your brain fills up until it’s all full and all the feelings are one big mishmash, so that sometimes you don’t even know what you feel any longer. Things get mixed up, until finally the brain can’t contain anymore, and things start to leak out. But instead of leaking outside in a proper way, instead of being expressed, they spill all over the cage. It’s flooded with stuff that can’t be released otherwise, and the brain is swimming in all the intense feelings. That’s when overload happens, and I start feeling a lot of intense anger that gets turned inwards, so I feel like self-harming. Sometimes, when the flood is really strong, something will spill outside through the grating, but the cage is tall and thick so it’s really hard. The only way for me to get my brain out of that cage is writing. Then, the bird cage opens and it can fly out and feel more free.

Another thing that a bird cage makes me think of in the context of my brain, is the feeling of alienation, or feeling disconnected, or loneliness in the crowd, inadequacy, or however you want to call it. I like being different, and individualistic, and I like being on my own more than around other people most of the time and feel more comfy with it. But when it becomes a bird cage for my brain is when I do need to be with someone, but for whatever reason can’t make a connection with people. Sometimes it’s like you can see other people from there, but there’s no way of communicating effectively. You can only bang on the cage and hope that they will hear you, but even if they will, they usually won’t be able to help you out, or open the cage, or get close enough that you could communicate, or feel the way you feel. Even if they do get to you, you’ve been living in this cage for so long that you can’t even explain to them what it’s like, and what you need, and they won’t understand, because they live out there in the world which is so very different. So after a couple trials, you just sit in the corner of your cage and look out, watching people come and go. Sometimes they’ll glance in your direction in confusion, not understanding why you are the way you are and live in a bird cage, what’s wrong with your brain that you constantly keep it in there. As if it was your choice. Sometimes you might feel desperate, and try to jump over the cage, but that hardly ever ends up well and is risky, you can easily get hurt. Even if you do get out of there in one piece, you quickly realise that you don’t fit in, and lots of consequences come with it. And after so many years of living in a cage your brain just doesn’t know otherwise and has it hard to adjust and be just like any other brain living in the outside world. So after all, you put your brain back into the cage, voluntarily this time, ’cause a familiar enemy is worse than the one you don’t know anything about and don’t know how to deal with.

That’s the way my brain feels sometimes. Well, regularly. Again, writing, for myself or with/to others, is something that helps, to some degree, especially blogging and penpalling is what I’m thinking of.

Also, I think the bird cage analogy works very well in regards to my sleep paralysis experiences too. It feels like my brain and me are locked up in a bird cage with all my dream monsters. I can see the outside world but they don’t see me, and I can’t run away because my dream “friends” are all over me. The only thing I can do is wait for the dream cage to open and flee as soon as possible.

What’s a bird cage of your brain? How does it look like and what does it represent? πŸ™‚

Question of the day (29th April).

What are you feeling?

My answer:

Ooooooh lots of things now. First, as I wrote with my last question of the day post, I’m a bit sleepy and tired from all the steam that my brain has produced absorbing Welsh language for 2 and a half hours. I’m also a little bit frustrated that it’s going so damn slowly and that I can’t seem to understand much without reading the English translation first. I’m also hopeful though, that it’s going to change if I’m going to be determined enough. I’ve been feeling slightly anxious, that is slightly more than my baseline is, I’m fairly anxious on my baseline already I guess compared with most people, but never mind, it’s not a big deal at this point. But, all that is vague and unimportant now!… Just a few minutes ago, just as I was preparing to write this post and go off to sleep, I got an email, that changed everything for me today! πŸ˜€ It sounds like exaggerated and exalted but I’m serious about that actually. I got an email from Bandcamp, notifying me of a “new release from Gwilym Bowen Rhys”! For those uninitiated/not remembering such a small yet very important detail in my Mishmashy world, Gwilym Bowen Rhys is my current crush, my dominant crush that is. Yyyyyyyyyaaayyyyy! I only wonder how could I miss that?! I mean, usually, when such things are about to happen, I know about them way ahead, not just like this, at the last minute. Maybe it was something spontaneous though it doesn’t look like that to me. Well that’s not important now but if not Bandcamp being so kind, I’d probably miss it… and that would be a tragedy! So, OK, how do I feel about it? my crushes always make me feel more positive, more creative, ’cause in a way they’re a bit more than my crushes, they’re like my inspirations, fascinations, they are very important to me, even if it’s ridiculous because I don’t know them personally, I don’t think though that’s a good indicator of who/what should be important to anyone so I don’t know if it really is that ridiculous, they keep me afloat on many of my bad days, help me indirectly to develop myself. I feel very intrigued, and much less sleepy now, and am really looking forward to hearing that album. I believe though that if you’re listening to some piece of music for the first time, and it is important to you, you need the right atmosphere for that if you want to be a good listener and a fair critic. Plus I’ve always had a hint of masochistic tendencies, ( just kidding). But I’m thinking whether maybe I should wait with listening to this album, when I have time to really get into it and when I am fully focused and not sleepy and tired. Some actually say that waiting for something nice is actually more pleasurable than the thing itself… The question is whether I can survive so long, with such an overwhelming curiosity. πŸ˜€ We shall see. OK but I’m off to sleep now, it’s past midnight already. ANother thing I’m surprised about, didn’t think it’s that late, i had an honest intention of going to sleep early today. Well hope at least I can sleep well. And going to find Misha to accompany me for the night.

OK so, how about your feelings right now? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My answer:

Recently I’ve been dealing a lot with feeling inadequate, and that’s the first thing that comes to my mind now. It’s a bit of a paradox, because I generally like being different and feeling different, I never wanted to fit in perfectl ywell an dnever tried to, but at the same time I have those feelings of being inadequate very strong, and in some situations they can be a big struggle to deal with.

You? πŸ™‚

Stoicism

This is a very powerful post, to which I can hugely relate as someone constantly trying to unlarn bottling up emotions and living with consequences of doing so all the time for years. If you struggle with similar issues, I highly recommend you reading this. πŸ™‚

New Beginnings

We all have a different reaction to pain.

Some of us react externally, such as jump in shock, scream, cry, or become enraged.

Some of us react, but rather internally than externally. Such as concealing the pain deep within the mind, making it appear as though they feel nothing on the outside but truly suffer inside.

Instead, the outside reaction might just be a smile. Or even nothing at all. Almost appearing as though they are immune to the pain inflicted upon them.

Maybe they want nobody to see them in pain. They wouldn’t want people to show any care for them so they can endure their suffering alone. As if nobody would be able to heal them.

Or perhaps they think people would view them as weak. A pathetic human that could never stand a chance through life. They want to eliminate the possibility of being embarrassed by hiding…

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Question of the day.

What’s the oddest crush you’ve ever had?

My answer:

The oddest?… All my crushes are odd, to say the least, particularly my musical crushes, though, truth be told, I didn’t have many other, I mean, most of my crushes that I’ve ever had are music crushes. Well not crushes really, but as most of you may already know, I think the word crush is closest to describe it, though it feels sort of shallow. But… the oddest… I’d have to make some ranking with the different criteria for what’s classified as odd, and then maybe I’d be able to find the one who was more odd than all the rest. Well, but, I guess from my music crushes the oddest would be the one on Vreeswijk, as it was so intense, and… just… odd… Hm.

Oh, but, other than that, I did have a very odd and a very short-lasting crush when I was a kid, and when I say crush, in this regard I do mean a crush. I could be like 7-9 years old, can’t remember exactly, we were building a new house, we lived in the countryside back then and had a very small house on the same backyard as my Mum’s family – her sisters and parents – and we wanted to build a new house, in pretty much the same location, but on my grandparents’ roof and we wanted it to be bigger. This whole building thing lasted for years, and at one point there was my uncle’s friend helping out with it. I just don’t know when or, what’s much more enigmatic and odd, why, but boy did I get a crush on that guy. I really, REALLy don’t know why! He was just such a simpleton, just nothing special about him at all, he couldn’t even speak properly gramatically and was a bit smelly because he was smoking heavily. He was overall nice, that’s for sure, and had fairly decent sense of humour, and that would be all that I could say both positive and at least somehow remarkable about him. So, yeah, I don’t know why I had that crush, what I do know is that the only person who knew about it was my brother, though I don’t think he can still remember it, even I had to really think before it came to my mind haha. I wonder what was so special that I was seeing in him back then. πŸ˜€ And this crush was, especially as for my standards, very shortlasting. Can’t say exactly how much it lasted but I’d say maximum 2-3 weeks. I guess for most kids at that age or slightly older such a shortlasting, intense crush on whoever happens to be new and in the eyesight would be a typical thing, our Zofijka have had like three such crushes if I remember well since the start of this school year, however I don’t think I could call myself typical and such things weren’t and aren’t typical for me, I rarely crushed on anyone in my surroundings and if I did I had to have a good reason behind it, so, in my case, something like this was extremely odd. πŸ˜€ Also he was much older than me which especially in childhood I think does make a difference. So yeah, that would be my oddest crush I guess. πŸ˜€

How about you? πŸ™‚