My most beautiful memory from last year.

A few days ago, there was a nice question at

Pointless Overthinking

: “Which is the most beautiful memory you have from last year?”. So in this post, I’m going to answer it.

From the top of my brain, what I can think of is the feeling when I finished my Polish oral exam last year. Overall, my finals were very difficult for me, not only because finals are always stressful, but also because I had quite a triggering situation happening to me on the first day, so it was all very tense and I can’t think of the exams overall without feeling my brain shuddering. I’m not going to go into details right now, but if you’d like to read about it, you can go

here.

The post is protected so just drop me a line if you’d like the password.

With the Polish oral exam though, it was a little bit different.

I came to the school just as stressed and sick as on all the previous days, mostly because of that scary situation, not the exam itself, although I was a bit jittery about the exam too. At Polish oral finals people usually are asked about obligatory readings. I found most of them rather boring, so only read detailed summaries of most of them, and did some online tests to see how much I know with that, but I was still a little afraid what if I get a very detailed question plus I get stressed and won’t know what to say. I may fail maths, and I did as you probably know, but failing Polish would be a real shame. I rationally don’t think I would, but I was so anxious then all the time that I didn’t think very rationally.

The thing with that being my most beautiful memory is that I had extreme luck that day, and could show all my potential and my possibilities. When I went to the class, one of the committee members very pompously led me to the desk, where I had a Brailler and a ton of paper, ’cause you know they assume you’d have to prepare for the oral exam and write some notes, which in other circumstances I’d probably find very merciful, ’cause I always prefer to write something down before I have to speak and be eloquent. I had to draw a question, and, despite all the anxiety, and how devastated I’d been feeling, at that moment, I felt just a wave of euphoria rushing through my brain. I’d imagine like when you just get to know that you are a billionaire, but not as intense of course. Because, it felt like that question was waiting right there, especially for me! My exam question was something like that, can’t quote exactly – describe the changes that have happened in the Polish language over the years, how has colloquial language evolved, what are some things that have influenced this change. – My notes were really, really, really laconic, it took me maybe a few lines, and a few minutes, definitely less than the time provided, especially that disabled students have that time lengthened (I hated it, it was always only problematic for me). So when I told the committee that I’m ready, they were quite clearly sceptical. But when I started talking, it wasΒ  a real logorrhea and their scepticism quickly vanished. πŸ˜€ I really don’t remember most of what I was saying, I know I was saying something about social media, and mentioning my favourite Polish book series “JeΕΌycjada” as a literary example, but it had to be much more. So when I got out of there, I was over the moon. Most of the other poor people there got indeed questions about obligatory readings and didn’t seem as happy.I was really relieved and very appreciative and grateful of my stroke of luck, that was far more than I could imagine, my Mum couldn’t believe that. Well I’ve always had my brain set up for all stuff linguistic, so there couldn’t be many easier things they could ask me about.

So when they were announcing the results, not very surprisingly, I got 100% of it. Was even more over the moon, especially that it was that jerky lady (who was earlier insulting me and all that and triggered me as I wrote in that post I linked to) saying that, so she could clearly see it herself, and my Mum was very happy about it. That same woman had to ruin the experience to me, saying to me in a very sweet tone of voice that it’ll be interesting to see what my math results will be like, which immediately activated my Inner Critic Monkey Maggie again, and indeed, later on it did turn out that I failed maths – I knew it could happen so it wasn’t a shock to me and din’t have to hear that woman’s opinion anymore – but still, overall, I felt like it really was a triumph for me. Especially that then I got 100% at English as well. And then another great thing was the euphoria I felt when finally my exams were over, never mind that I was pretty sure I failed that math thing.

So, while it wasn’t exactly beautiful, with all that intense stuff going on, and I wouldn’t like to go through it all again, the thing with the Polish oral itself clearly showed that I’m actually damn lucky sometimes.

I’ve had lots of nice and beautiful memories last year, but that was simply what came to my mind first. πŸ™‚

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Question of the day.

What are you remembering?

My answer:

Recently lots of things have been reminding me about one of my close friends, with whom I am no longer in touch with, and it’s kind of bittersweet I’d say. I am thinking a lot about him recently somehow and it is both very nice and hurts at the same time ’cause I’ve been missing him a lot. Also, I had a bad dream last night, not like a full blown nightmare or sleep paralysis, but just not a pleasant dream, nothing more, and it involved some school stuff. I had to be up very early today, and that fact, of being up so early, and having that bad dream, it together reminded me that oh wow, today a year has passed since my finals. And, ugh, I’m so glad all that havoc is over. Both with the preparations and the finals. Last year was so devastating for me because of that, and then the finals themselves were absolutely scary for me, or rather accompanying events, not the actual finals, I guess that was kind of traumatising, or re-traumatising maybe I should say, I don’t know, that’s what my Mum says too. Grrrr scary! And then my Mum reminded me of that horror again. So glad it’s over and I don’t have to see those people from there anymore. I’m having a good day generally today, but my Monkey Maggie the Inner Critic is very active today and wants to constantly remind me that what happened then was only because of me, and, well, I guess at this point I’m no longer sure of anything. As if I ever was. πŸ˜€ It’s hard to stay rational when dealing with her really.

What are YOU remembering? πŸ™‚

It’s over.

Yeah, can’t believe it! πŸ˜€ My shitty finals are OVER!!! And no matter what will be my results from the written ones, I am still proud of myself, because of the oral exams. And OMG I was so lucky yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday was my last exam, oral Polish exam. I won’t lie, I was pretty stressed before it. I am rather good at Polish as a school subject, I love Polish as a language and I guess I know a lot about it, but this whole list of obligatory readings we have is overwhelming at its best. I guess it’s not a thing in most countries, but here, no matter on which educational stage you are (well I don’t know how about uni, but below it for sure) you have a very speciffic list of books that are obligatory to read that your class has to do and there are speciffic books for all years of school. The original purpose of it is to promote readership, ’cause, you know, in other circumstances some people, particularly little children, would hardly read anything, I still know people who only read obligatories, or just their summaries, Zofijka would be the perfect example, although she’s still young so things will hopefully change. On the other hand these books are usually incredibly boring, well that’s my opinion, so I really don’t know how they can help in increasing general readership, but well, that’s not my problem and that’s not the purpose of this post to write about it in detail. There are a lot of them so it’s rarely manageable to do all of them during a school year unless discussing obligatory books would be the only thing you’d do during Polish, and some of these books are more optional than others, but still somehow you are expected to know them all perfectly for your finals, because you never know what question you may get on the exam, and most of the question evolve at least partly around these books. So I was kinda worried what if I’ll get a question about a book I know very poorly or don’t know at all. You know, if you know the topic at least superficially, you can always say something, but if you know barely anything, it’s hard to pretend it’s otherwise. So I was hoping for some possibly light and versatile question or a question about the book I know really well and which we’ve done in class.

Luckily I could get some more sleep yesterday because my exam was to start not earlier than at 10:30 AM so we left at 7 AM to get there. Zofijka wasn’t going with us this time. When we got to the school, I had just 15 minutes to my exam.

I came in and drew the question, got the sheet and other stuff and had max 30 minutes to prepare to the talking. Normally it’s 15 minutes, but when you’re disabled you always get those fucking 15 mins extra which I hate, because I am usually done with everything long before the standard time finishes no matter whether it’s easy or difficult and no matter whether I did it well or wrong, and then there’s lots of fuss about it that I finished so early, I think if all those experts are so nice to adjust exams to us, there are plenty more things to think of than this, I don’t think many people make use of soooo much time, not all disabled students are disabled because of learnign disabilities.

I looked at my question… and you know what? I actually started to laugh, because it was so damn easy! I did some very brief notes but I doubt it even took me five minutes. So of course the committee was very surprised.

The topic I had to talk about was to describe changes in modern Polish language. You know, stuff like what the fact that people communicate via Internet or texting has changed in the language, for example, or lots of new words, etc. I got a text about it to read and then discuss it, say something about my own experiences in communication and what changes in the language I personally have noticed, and also talk about one more work, either a book, or a film, or even a song, anything that could illustrate how the language has changed.

So, ahem… well, ain’t I lucky? πŸ˜€ I talked and talked and talked. I was so afraid of this monologue, but this was such a broad topic, and one that I could really talk about a lot, so it was very easy for me to talk about it for 10 minutes. I am a huge language freak and I always notice the slightest things about how people are talking, writing, when they say things wrong or write something incorrectly or slapdash, or ignore all the punctuation or diacritics or write slapdash, and it usually drives me crazy far more than it should, I guess, well unless someone does it on purpose, ironically or something, then it can be cool at times. I’m of course talking about Polish, not English or any other language, since I don’t feel like an expert in any other language, although I am also very attentive for details in other languages. πŸ˜€ SO it was a perfect topic for me and I was talking about it actually quite expressively, I think, and I made the committee interested, because when I finally got to the limit and didn’t have anything else to say and we got to the part in which they could ask me questions, they had a lot and we had quite a lively discussion hahaha.

I came out after like 15 minuteswhile there were 45 in total for me, πŸ˜€ and there were already all the other students that are graduating from that school and passing their finals sitting in the waiting room, also that girl whom I know from the integration school about whom I’ve written before. I’ve seen all of them on Tuesday and although felt very tongue-tied around them then, I now knew them a bit better and we smalltalked while waiting for the results and supported those who were still to have the exam. Smalltalk is certainly not my favourite activity and it’s absolutely draining, especially that there were lots of them (yes 9 people is a lot, if you didn’t know it before, in my classification it’s a crowd) and they all knew each other while I was new, but I felt like it would be even worse if I wouldn’t talk to them at all. But we waited for so long that finally me and my Mum decided to go out to the park and have ice cream and one of the guys there offered he’ll call us when they’ll be announcing results so we could go with no issues.

I told Dad how well my exam went and how it’s actually a miracle because I’ve heard from others there were tons of other absolutely stupid questions which other people got with which I wouldn’t manage even half as well as with that one and that was just something perfect for me. I was feeling very high, well it was such a moodswingy day for me. I felt like I love the whole world and all the people together and every single individual on its own, and I think my Dad felt quite the same. We just sat in the park with ice cream and were observing nursery kids, to which, particularly my Dad, wouldn’t turn even the slightest attention in other circumstances. But we were watching them quite amazed, my Dad even in a rather maudlin way, I’d say. πŸ˜€ How much one small success and a strong feeling of relief can change in people’s attitudes. πŸ˜€ Wonder how people act just after they get to know they’re millionaires. πŸ˜€ Maybe that’s why so many millionairies support charities or children. πŸ˜› My Mum on the other hand was very happy that I cut that awful Maggie (the headmistress) down to size once again and was sure I’ll get 100% once again. I wasn’t as sure, but anyway, I was happy my exams are actually over and the last one went so well. I was rather stressed on the prospect of seeing her again to announce my result to me, was afraid she’ll manage to crack me up once again, but even though felt rather confident and really proud of myself, although Maggie (my inner critic) had still other things to complain about, but I didn’t listen to her, or pretended I don’t, even though she tried to scream as loud as she could.

Finally the break started so they had results for all of us who’ve already taken the exam. I came in and once again the headmistress asked me how much I think I got, this time there was max 40 points to get. Silently I hoped for 40, but just in case I said only 35. She said that the committee rated me much higher and I got 100%. I was slightly surprised this time, even though I really wanted it to happen and know I did the exam really well.

– 100%? Again?! –

The committee started to laugh, and the headmistress said, not without some bitterness, that it seems to be my manner and that it’s not much of a surprise for me. I laughed and said it starts to be a little boring. It was a surprise for me, but it wasn’t at the same time, I’d say, if it makes any sense for anyone else than me.

Luckily she didn’t say anything more at all. I only waited for that girl with whom I was going to the integration before and who was in the same class as Olek to hear her result which was also very good. Everyone congratulated me, my Mum almost cried, as always in similar situations.

I felt like all the stress from the whole past year is suddenly going out of me and it felt so good. Sure, I still don’t know what I will do with myself now, no idea at all, but it’s so good to feel that this stressful and boring at the same time, stage in my life is over and I can now finish my education if I want to, which I definitely want, or at least have a break from it for a while, I’m so indescribably fed up of our education system, I mean of any education system that could possibly exist, believe me. I don’t say I am completely breaking up with the education system, if I’ll pass that damn math, I would love to study Celtic studies online at University Of Wales Trinity Saint David, but I just don’t know how things will go, even if I pass.

The headmistress’ assistant came to my Mum and gave her the address of the website where I can check out my results before they’ll be sent out to the school. Mum asked her if I could maybe have my certificate sent home and not go all the way to school and back again in July and it turns out that no, but we can ask the district committee to not send it to the school and then we can take it from the district committee, since it’s closer, and less stressful for me for sure, I really don’t want to go to that school anymore again. I told Mum that anytime I’d been there, I felt like something horrible was about to happen. Hard to specify what or even what kind of thing, but just something horrible. Probably just because of all that horrific and I guess triggering stuff that happened to me when I came there for the first and second time. Mum asked me whether I could be afraid that she leaves me, and, although it sounds so irrational, I said that maybe yes, maybe that was it what I was afraid of happening, hard to say though.

On the way home Mum was calling all the family to tell them I passed both English and Polish oral exams for 100% and my Dad was doing the same but with his job colleagues, even if most of them didn’t really care and didn’t even know he had a daughter, but he also wanted to let it out somewhere.

It feels so good to be over it all. Dad asked me when I am making a party to celebrate it. I said that before we can have a party we need to know what my other results will be like. Of course we were joking and I am not planning on making any parties, we’ve all wasted too much energy and sleep already.

But I thought it could be nice to celebrate it in some other way, however don’t have any clever ideas yet.

Any suggestions, anyone? Or has anyone of you any ideas how we could celebrate it here in My Inner MishMash? πŸ˜‰ My brain doesn’t seem to be very cooperative now, so, any suggestions/wishes/ideas are appreciated. πŸ˜€

Surprise!

So as some of you could notice before from my activity on your blogs, I’m back since a while now. We came back much earlier than we thought we’d do. It was because the weather yesterday was really crappy and rainy, unlike last week, so if we wanted to stay in Bydgoszcz until THursday, with one day completely free of my exams, we’d be bored to death, not being able to do anything other than vegetating in a hotel room or hanging around the rainy streets, which wasn’t something appealing to neither of us, in addition in the morning I happened to sit on the ax, which is how my Dad calls having a period πŸ˜€ so I really didn’t feel the best despite taking two Pyralgines.

I had only three hours of sleep, but it’s always something, although we all were very sleepy. Zofijka decided in the last minute that she wants to go with us. We got to school about nine, and then me and Mum had to wait because another girl was passing the exam. In the meantime we were talking with one of English teachers at that school, who actually made me realise that it was English exam first, not Polish, as I thought. She seemed a little scared when she realised I thought it was otherwise, you know, she thought I was maybe not prepared and stuff, but I was actually relieved, I much prefer having English exam than Polish, I’m a little afraid of the Polish one because I’ve heard multiple times it’s such a lottery, they can actually ask you about anything, including obligatory readings that your class didn’t do, because there are so many of them you can’t do all of them and be prepared for everything. It would maybe be better to have the worse thing first, but anyway, I was glad it was English. As the girl before me came out, it turned out that we were going to the same school for a while, when I was in the integration for two years. My brother Olek was then in the same school as me, and she was in the same class as he. So then the committee called me and I was actually happy I can now demonstrate my skills, I like talking in other languages unless the circumstances aren’t too stressful, and because I had a teacher for a little while at the beginning of this school year who was coming to me to just prepare me to my finals, more technically than linguistically, I knew how this exam will look like and wasn’t anxious at all. I had lots of conversations with my teacher on even a higher level it all was completely manageable. At first there was a little issue though because I didn’t bring my ID. I knew that ID is needed for your finals, but when I was coming on all the previous ones, they didn’t ask for it at all, so I didn’t bring it this time. But luckily there were lots of people who could declare that I am me so then it went smoothly.

At first they always ask you two questions, kinda for a warm up, and in my case they were what qualities I seek in a friend and… surprise, surprise… what foreign languages I’d like to speak. πŸ˜€ So I provided them with a whole list, which as I think, made quite a big impression on them, as I believe did my accent. πŸ˜€ I listen to a lot of British stuff like BBC programmes, so it was easy for me to pick kinda standard British accent. Sometimes I talk in a more Northern way or may try to talk in other British accents in more informal situations. Although I’m sure I still have some kind of Ponglish too, as I’ve never been to any English-speaking country. But on Polish people my English accent always makes an impression. πŸ˜€ So then I drew the set of actual exam questions. At our finals, we always hhave a kinda roleplay to play between a student and an examinator. You get the instructions with a brief description of a situation and things you need to bring up in the conversation. In my case, the situation was that someone stole something from a shop and I witnessed it. And I had to talk about it with a friend, played by a lady from the committee, and tell them what I’m going to do now etc. And then when we did it, she asked me about a sport event in which I’d like to take part, so I told that I would like to take part in another horse riding competition, because it’s been a while since my last one and I miss it a lot. Then she also asked me if I have friends who regularly attend some sport events so I told her I don’t, I only have a brother who is a supporter of Legia-GdaΕ„sk (this is a football team) and is always willing to support them on their matches, even if it involves driving across the country at times. Then she asked me whether I like to actively spend free time. I told her that although I spend most of my free time doing things that don’t involve too much activity and movement, I do like being active, especially if we’re talking about horse riding, and I also go for a walk with my Mum very frequently. Then she asked me whether cinemas are popular and why so I told her that yes, I think they are. Although people can watch movies online and almost everything seems to be available online, I feel like there still are people who like to just go out in the evening, get some popcorn and Pepsi and watch a film in the cinema, that must have some atmosphere for them, I believe. And then she asked me what kind of art is most important, so I said I can only say what’s most important and beautiful for me. I’d say most people would choose visual arts, but for me it would be music, because it is so relatable, so cathartic and international. and the last question she asked me what would I choose, a classical music concert, or a rock music concert in the open air, if I was going for a concert with friends. I said that although I appreciate and like classical music, I’d rather choose the latter because I feel like many people don’t understand and don’t like classical music, rock is much more accessible and relatable, I know people who just fall asleep listening to classical music, so just the latter would be a safer option, plus I too like rock in general slightly more than classical music.

The whole exam lasted for not longer than 12 minutes and I was really glad of myself. TO be honest, I didn’t think there was anything in it that I said or did wrong, and because I am able to think in English nowadays, I felt very confident in speaking. That’s so weird, but at times I even feel like talking to people in other languages is much easier and less anxiety-provoking than in Polish, and I feel a bit more extroverted and less self-conscious while talking in English. I would be hugely disappointed and even more surprised if I got any less than 85% for it.

So I came out and then we had even more waiting. We had to wait until a few more people will take the exam and the break will start, because then they will reveal the results. Unlike with written exams, with oral ones you get results much quicker since they aren’t sent anywhere, just the committee who asks you rates your skills. All that waiting, which lasted for a few hours, was so damn boring.

But finally the break started and all of us who have taken the exam so far were coming into the room again to hear our results. This time, besides of the committee, there was also headmistress and her assistant in. I always feel kinda unsafe at that school, as if something terrible was about to happen, but I feel twice as unsafe around the headmistress because of that awful situation that happened to me after the first exam. I was seeing her then every time before and after writing an exam because of all the procedures and although nothing like that ever happened again, she was still very critical and clearly jerky to me, unless it’s her everyday attitude. And even if she isn’t talking to me, I feel awful around her, even simply her voice sounds so dry and unpleasant so that you feel some kind of antipathy from the beginning. And omg honestly, if I was her, I would seriously think about taking something for halitosis, but I am not as jerky as she is and I’ll be nice and won’t give her advices she doesn’t ask for. But well, I’m glad I’m not from that school and hopefully soon will be able to forget about her for good.

Anyway, I came in and she said:

– So you can get 30 points max, and how do you think, how many did you get? –

– Hard to say, but I think quite a few. –

– And maybe some more speciffic numbers? –

– Hm, something like 25? –

– 25, you say… so, with a great regret, er… sorry, with a great pleasure, I have to say you’ve got 30 points. – she said.

You know I wasn’t really surprised? I just felt like that’s what is gonna happen. She was so nice that she didn’t forget to at least try to crack me up in the end, but it was easy for me to keep smiling, because I was happy I got 100% and I knew that in a way I just cut her down to size. It’s not often that someone gets 100% from any final exam. I was the last of all the students who were taking this exam to hear my results. There are only 9 people, 9 people in the whole school, plus me, taking their finals. Cause you can graduate from school here without taking them, and although the school is big, I’ve heard not many people were feeling like doing it. In the school for the blind where I was for years, I know there were always whole classes taking finals. And I was really surprised they had only 9 people taking them. Looks like their level is much lower there. Or maybe it’s because so many students there seem to have coupled disabilities. And I’ve heard all of them coming out and sharing their results with the whole world. Only ONE girl had the result above 60%. Her result was really good, but she was the only one, most people had like 40%. That seemed a little bit sad, although my Mum told me that I should cut her – the headmistress – down to size as much as possible, for disgracing me and comparing me to her brilliant kids. And although it wasn’t my goal in itself, I was so happy I did it.

I wonder why she said it “with regret”. Maybe she was just joking, and that’s OK, or wanted to somehow keep me in suspense, or something, but sadly I suppose that’s what she really thinks and wanted to pretend it’s just an innocent joke. It’s not like I care what she thinks or feel sad that I made her feel regret, not at all, but you feel rather weird hearing something like this, among other jerky stuff which I’m not gonna quote because I don’t want to start to think about it again plus it’s not important in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s a bit foolish to care about what she said even a bit, but I can’t help it that I still do and still hear it. My Dad simply said it’s “biatchy” of her to say this regret thing and my family doesn’t really think it could be a real joke and she is really “regretting”.

My family of course were very happy of it and Zofijka couldn’t believe it, but my Mum said she also somehow felt it will be so, ’cause well I might not be fluent in English, but this exam was a bit below my possibilities.

On the way home we went to CheΕ‚mno, which is a town near Bydgoszcz with lots and lots of old churches and cemeteries even from 13th century, and my family went to see it, but I stayed in the car. I didn’t feel well physically because of the period and somehow my mood started to drop. Yes, I was proud of myself in a way, but I felt somehow very depressed. I don’t know, maybe the headmistress’ words started to strike me and I felt exhausted of all that exam fuss and started to fall deeper and deeper in the self-loathing hole, having to fight against another Maggie, this time my inner self critic whom as you may remember I also call Maggie, and because I felt so exhausted and not at all like fighting anyone, she started to win over me with a smashing predominance, and I didn’t really care, as so many times before I just believed her she’s right. I also felt dizzy and like I’m going to get an awful migraine. My dizziness got worse when my family came back and we drove home. And as we got home my balance was so shitty I was walking slightly like I was drunk. πŸ˜€ So Olek let us in and asked me whether I had some Jack Daniels with me to help me on the exam. I laughed and said that no, but it’s something to think about next time. πŸ˜€ I got a quick shower and went to bed, not to sleep but just to shut my mind off, with which I didn’t really succeed, and to rest for a while. Read some blogs and other stuff but my head started to ache more so I gave up on this. And when my mind finally shut off I I fell asleep about 7 PM. Really really early for me.

ANd I woke up with a nasty migraine in the middle of the night. Ugh that was so shitty. And lasted until almst 2 PM. I am still kinda weak but it’s much better now and the migraine is gone. But I still feel rather depressed and blah and hopeless, overanalysing everything and shitty, and definitely not like someone who got 100% on an exam, quite the opposite.

So glad tomorrow is the last one, maybe will feel better afterwards.

How are you guys doing? πŸ™‚

Last exams ahead.

So today I’m going to Bydgoszcz to the school for the blind wher I am taking my finals, to take the last two of them. I can’t sleep again, although it’s almost 1 AM and we have to wake up at 4 AM, so I thought I’d schedule some posts for you and I’ve just done it. I’ll be off for three days. That sucks because I’ll have one day off exams in between and it doesn’t seem to be a very nice perspective to traipse around the city for so long, but I know it’s reasonable because there’s no point in going there today, coming back and then going back there on Thursday. I am so grateful for my Dad that he took another few days off work and will be there with us, otherwise things would be, well, poor. I’d have to repay it for him in some way, have no idea what to do though.

Anyway, I’ve scheduled three song of the day posts for those three days, I hope you’ll enjoy them.

OK, so I think I’ll try to fall asleep once again, it definitely won’t help me in the morning if I’ll be a Zombie.

A little heads up.

Just wanted to quickly tell you that tomorrow I am starting my finals. I am not staying for the night at that school tomorrow and will head back home after I write the exam for the weekend and come back there again for Monday and Tuesday, but because I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to post anything tomorrow I scheduled the regular song and question posts for tomorrow so that I won’t leave you with nothing guys and there will be something going on on here even if I’m not here. There’s a few hours drive to that school where I’m taking the exams and I have to be in already at 8:15 AM, have no idea at what time I’ll be at home. At the weekend I’ll also schedule some posts to come in on Monday and Tuesday.

I really hope that after this whole exam hustle will finish I’ll be able to make this blog more dynamic, as there was hardly anything besides the series posts here in weeks, I plan on changing it and writing some more lengthy posts, so, yeeeah… be warned. πŸ˜€ And Misha will come back, I promise!

So that’s it from me now, just in case you’d be wondering what’s going on and why I don’t reply or anything, as I just don’t know at what time I’ll be back.

OK, off to sleep now, don’t feel sleepy at all, but have to be up at 4 AM. (:| Don’t know how I’ll do it, so wish me luck with this please. πŸ˜€ I had one big exam in the past which I actually passed in the total Zombie mode and it was horrid.

A shitty, Zombie day.

Yeah, today I have another Zombie day, which means, if you’re unfamiliar, that I’m after a night of completely no sleep. I think the reason of my sleep being so poor recently is that I’m significantly anxious over many things. A bit more than a week ago my term exam session started, which is always some stress – almost none in comparison to final exams that I’ll have in May, but still, makes me quite tense. Besides, almost at the same time my brother picked up some tummy bug or something and was sick, with vomiting and all the attractions, which obviously triggered my emetophobia. It lasted for very long for him and then Dad got infected too and it lasted very long too, so I was freaking out literally, because they were sick and because I could get sick and anyone else could. I didn’t get it luckily, but still don’t fully know if it’s actually over for them. Moreover, my Mum had gastroscopy and colonoscopy on Tuesday before Easter. Well it didn’t regard me directly, but still it made me feel anxious for some reason, I almost felt like I myself was going to have gastroscopy, which would be just traumatic for me I guess and I was stressed for Mum. Don’t know why I reacted so strongly for it. And then Mum had also some not serious complications after that which contributed to my anxiety. It’s crazy. and my final exams are in a month now, which is the thing I’m most anxious about currently. It’s not only about the exams themselves and whether I’ll pass them, but also about the circumstances in which I’ll be writing them. I’m not sure whether I finally told you or not, I guess I did, but I won’t take them at my own school that I formally go to. My school is a normal, mainstream school and my Mum was kind of afraid I might not get all the adjustments I could get if I’d write at a special school for the blind, especially as for math, as this is the subject I particularly suck at and is very difficult for me. I agree with it and so my Mum came up with the idea she’ll ask the headmistress of one of the schools for the blind – not the one I was going to as a child, a completely different one – if it would be possible for me to write there. There was a lot of paperwork and other stuff involved, but it was possible and I got the permission finally. But this school, although is much closer than the one I was going to, is still quite far from where I live, in a different region. So we would have to stay in the boarding school. I know, I won’t be there on my own, there will be Mum and maybe Zofijka with me, I will live with them and the circumstances will be completely different, we’ll be out of there most of the time, I desperately try to think rationally about it, but the anxiety is still there. I know it’s so irrational and stupid and all, but it doesn’t seem like I could do much about it now. I’ll probably just have to face it and see if it was worth all that anxiety or not. Also, I’m having lots of nasty dreams recently, with sleep paralysis and without and they scare me so so much. Just last week I had sleep paralysis twice. It’s knackering and makes me feel just helpless. Often such dreams leave me anxious for hours after they pass away. So yeah plenty of issues that may contribute to that lack of sleep.

Luckily I didn’t have to do anything important today, apart from preparing to my History exam which I’ll have on Monday, but it wasn’t hard to do and I actually could do it tomorrow as well if I really needed. I feel absolutely crappy today, with no energy (despite three strong coffees), lots of anxiety and depression, but that’s normal I guess for everyone who didn’t sleep for an entire night, or at least it’s my normal when I don’t sleep properly, the more tat other things get in the way.

Recently I was writing that I plan on buying a new Braille-Sense, and it turned out that it’s time now for applying for funding, so I did some of that endless paperwork with Mum. Well I guess don’t have much more to say now. Just had to rant a bit.

How are you guys doing? πŸ™‚