Question of the day.

Hi guys. 🙂

Here’s another question I have for you.

Who was the first non-relative you said “I live you” to?

My answer:

Emmmm. Misha? 😀 … I don’t know! I’m not one for saying that too often and to just anyone, the more that it’s such an overrated phrase nowadays as if just plain saying “I love you” really meant something in the grand scheme of things. And I’m generally not too good at expressing my emotions, it’s quite a problem for me still. Also, I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, so I’ve never had a chance to use it in that context. That doesn’t mean of course that I haven’t loved anyone who wouldn’t be my relative, but, as far as I can remember anyway, I simply never told them that, for different reasons, usually just because it makes you vulnerable. I’ve had friends who would tell me in this or that way that they love me, like you love a friend, and then I’d say the same if I did love them like that too, but I don’t think I’ve ever said “I love you” as such to anyone other than my family and Mishmish, who is also my family, so doesn’t count here separately of course.

How about you? 🙂

Working On Us.

It’s week #4 of Working On Us at

Beckie’s Mental Mess

and I’m very happy to participate in this prompts series for the second time. Last week, I was answering the questions for prompt #1, but this time, I found prompt #2 really relatable. It’s a photo prompt, so I couldn’t actually see it, but Beckie described it and the image of a brain inside of a bird cage really spoke to me. I suppose I should include the photo in my post somehow, but since I have no clue how to do it, and am blind, so don’t need to have a clue about pics haha, I’ll just leave it as it is.

I was thinking about that prompt a lot last evening and thought I would make some piece of creative writing but since I don’t feel very creative at the moment it’ll just be a bit of a ramble.

I’ve been fascinated by brain for years, and it’s one of my main interests. But it’s not only that why I found this prompt so relatable. I could say I often feel as if my brain was locked in a bird cage, and unable to get out, just never thought about such a metaphor before. What does it feel like when your brain is locked in a brain cage? For me, among other things, it means difficulty in releasing emotions, there’s no way to get them out, whether you want it or not. Your brain fills up until it’s all full and all the feelings are one big mishmash, so that sometimes you don’t even know what you feel any longer. Things get mixed up, until finally the brain can’t contain anymore, and things start to leak out. But instead of leaking outside in a proper way, instead of being expressed, they spill all over the cage. It’s flooded with stuff that can’t be released otherwise, and the brain is swimming in all the intense feelings. That’s when overload happens, and I start feeling a lot of intense anger that gets turned inwards, so I feel like self-harming. Sometimes, when the flood is really strong, something will spill outside through the grating, but the cage is tall and thick so it’s really hard. The only way for me to get my brain out of that cage is writing. Then, the bird cage opens and it can fly out and feel more free.

Another thing that a bird cage makes me think of in the context of my brain, is the feeling of alienation, or feeling disconnected, or loneliness in the crowd, inadequacy, or however you want to call it. I like being different, and individualistic, and I like being on my own more than around other people most of the time and feel more comfy with it. But when it becomes a bird cage for my brain is when I do need to be with someone, but for whatever reason can’t make a connection with people. Sometimes it’s like you can see other people from there, but there’s no way of communicating effectively. You can only bang on the cage and hope that they will hear you, but even if they will, they usually won’t be able to help you out, or open the cage, or get close enough that you could communicate, or feel the way you feel. Even if they do get to you, you’ve been living in this cage for so long that you can’t even explain to them what it’s like, and what you need, and they won’t understand, because they live out there in the world which is so very different. So after a couple trials, you just sit in the corner of your cage and look out, watching people come and go. Sometimes they’ll glance in your direction in confusion, not understanding why you are the way you are and live in a bird cage, what’s wrong with your brain that you constantly keep it in there. As if it was your choice. Sometimes you might feel desperate, and try to jump over the cage, but that hardly ever ends up well and is risky, you can easily get hurt. Even if you do get out of there in one piece, you quickly realise that you don’t fit in, and lots of consequences come with it. And after so many years of living in a cage your brain just doesn’t know otherwise and has it hard to adjust and be just like any other brain living in the outside world. So after all, you put your brain back into the cage, voluntarily this time, ’cause a familiar enemy is worse than the one you don’t know anything about and don’t know how to deal with.

That’s the way my brain feels sometimes. Well, regularly. Again, writing, for myself or with/to others, is something that helps, to some degree, especially blogging and penpalling is what I’m thinking of.

Also, I think the bird cage analogy works very well in regards to my sleep paralysis experiences too. It feels like my brain and me are locked up in a bird cage with all my dream monsters. I can see the outside world but they don’t see me, and I can’t run away because my dream “friends” are all over me. The only thing I can do is wait for the dream cage to open and flee as soon as possible.

What’s a bird cage of your brain? How does it look like and what does it represent? 🙂

Astrid S. – “Think Before I Talk”.

Hey people! 🙂

The song I have for you today is from one of my recently most favourite pop Norwegian singers, Astrid Smeplass, known mostly as Astrid S, who is a pretty successful singer in Norway but also abroad as it seems. And since I heard this song for the first time last year it just got stuck in my brain, and I still like it quite a lot.

Remembering… or how to tell your brain it’s over?

I’m remembering

a lot of stuff from the past lately. Lots and lots of memories which I try to ignore, and sometimes I succeed, sometimes not. So I thought maybe writing about it would help, if ignoring doesn’t work out too well. Those memories are mostly related to the beginning of the school year, which used to be an absolute nightmare for over a decade.

I see people from my family and others buying their kids things for school, I hear my Mum talking how she’s afraid of the next schol year for Zofijka, I notice time flying so quickly and September approaching, and each time I see any signs of the school year coming, I have to remind my brain, it’s not you now, it’s over. But it doesn’t listen for too long, and soon I get overflooded by another wave of memories.

I remember all those days and nights before I”d go back to the boarding school when I cut myself ’cause my pain and helplessness were too bad. I remember not being able to eat and sleep because of the anxiety. I remember the feelings of utter loneliness and not belonging anywhere, along with many other overwhelming feelings with which I couldn’t cope, but finally I always had to cope somehow, so I just bottled them up, feeling them rising inside of me with every second. I remember feeling very unsafe and rebelled that I had to leave everything that felt nice, familiar, everything and everyone that I loved, and how desperate I was to not do it. I felt guilty and weak because even though the situation was the same and obvious for so many years, that there was no alternative for me, I still couldn’t adjust to it. Well in a way I did, but the adjustment was only hiding what I felt so it wouldn’t bother anyone else, because well how long can it take you to accept something so obvious and inevitable that if you have special needs and need special education, you need to go to school where they can adjust things to you, and there aren’t many of such so most children have to be away from their families. For me that was an issue, and it looked like it was wrong.

Those feelings always accompanied me when I had to leave home and go to the boarding school, but when the school year was starting, they were particularly intense. Because the school year always meant changes. Changes that could often regard me more or less, but even if they were directly to do with me, it wasn’t a norm that I, or even any of my parents, were asked about our opinion, whether we agree on them or not, whether they’re acceptable. That was normal there. If you had a friend, who was also your roommate, with whom you lived for years, you got to know very well, you should be aware that when you come back to school next year, you may suddenly be informed that you two will no longer live together because… just because. And you could not only be moved to another room, but also to a completely different group. THis exact situation didn’t happen to me, only because I didn’t have real friends there, but it did to one of my classmates and she was just told to get over it, because it was necessary and such situations happen in life so she has to get used to it. I though changed my roommates very often too, and it was often very tough. And many other changes could await you there, hardly, if ever, nice.

So yeah, I was just sick of anxiety every year before the start of school year, and afterwards too.

But it’s now four years since I got out of there, and I am so happy about it, yet each time it’s close to September, my brain goes mad. Even this year, when I’m completely free of that freaky brain washing machine called education system. I even had a pretty yucky dream last night, I haven’t have this kind of memory dreams in a while, but that one was yucky and it took me quite a while to get back to the present after I woke up. Those dreams aren’t particularly scary, like creepy or something, but are just kinda made of my crappy memories so reliving them over and over definitely isn’t nice aND I wake up feeling nausious and stressed out.

As I wrote earlier today in Music Monday Care & Love post, I am trying to fill this week with various self care activities and other enjoyable things, and that helps me to stay in the present and focus on the positive, and there is much positive stuff going on in my life. Plus it helps me to not slip down again to that self-loathing hole, which is always very easy when I’m having memories. But it doesn’t stop my brain from going back to the past, often at least expected moments.

So I wonder, how do you make your brain know it’s over? It seems all so complicated.

 

Question of the day.

When was the last time you were moved to tears??

My answer:

Hard to say, as I told you a few times on this blog it’s not easy for me to be moved to tears, I may quite often feel at the verge or just be very moved but still not cry, first because still crying is an issue and second because I think that’s simply how I am. And even if I do cry, it’s rarely like fountains of tears, in opposite lots of people in my family on Mum’s side. 😀

So I guess the last time I was moved to tears was when I was reading “Battered, Broken, Healed” by Maggie Hartley – Maggie Hartley is a UK foster carer and in this book she describes the story of Jasmine who is an infant and as it turns out later on she was taken into care because her father was abusive. I cried when I was reading about her mum’s experiences, about her abusive relationship, and particularly about how her husband wouldn’t allow her to take care of Jasmine. It somehow moved me, I found it very weird because normally I don’t cry when hearing about people’s sad stories, or it has to be really really really tough or there has to be something that particularly speaks to me for any reason. I am not someone who particularly loves children in general, but I found that really sad, for whatever reason.

The last time I was moved and felt like I’m gonna cry and wanted to, but couldn’t, was when I was listening to my current crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys’s latest album a few days ago, and that’s not very weird, I often feel very moved listening to my crushes’ music, even if it’s not particularly sad, but just when it’s expressive and/or beautiful. I was listening to this album as a whole for third time, this time just to immerse in it, but it still speaks to me.

How about you? What was the thing that moved you so strongly? 🙂


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Question of the day.

What was the last thing you got angry about?

My answer:

Seriously angry I was on 3rd July, I feel always a lot of anger when I feel overwhelmed with lots of feelings and so it was on that day, but I feel like I wasn’t angry about anything speciffic, just a lot of things together plus maybe some bottled up stuff from God knows when in the past.

Less angry I was yesterday, at my computer, or more exactly at my screen reader, which suddenly refused to work and then it turned out that my SAPI5 crashed, which led to pretty weird things happening and me not being able to use most of my speech synthesisers, which, if you use multiple languages regularly and alternately, also such that aren’t very popular, can be an issue.

How about you? 🙂

Question of the day.

What is the last thing you cried about?

My answer:

Cried like cried or just felt like crying? I have issues with crying and with expressing emotions generally, so, although I’ve learned to cry, it’s still really hard to do for me and I am rarely able to really let my emotions out through crying. I can feel like crying, or like I would really really like to cry very often, but I don’t cry often at all. I guess the last time I cried was in May, after one of my finals, and then I literally cried all the way back home and even afterwards and couldn’t stop, it was all scary! But the last time I felt like crying was last week on Tuesday, and it was also in some part related to my finals. But generally I felt like crying because I was just overwhelmed by lots of emotions and triggered, but just couldn’t let it out in any way, or figure out what’s actually ging on inn my brain, I was also extremely angry at that time and when I feel angry I often feel on the verge of tears, just like my Mum. In most situations I am glad I am not an easy cryer, like many women in my family are, but sometimes I would really like to be able to relieve myself through tears but it just seems impossible nowadays after all those years of bottling things up.

How about you? 🙂