Question of the day.

When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do?

My answer:

Hm, I’m afraid of quite a few things, and also such things that are quite common to do so you sometimes just have to do them and it’s hard to avoid doing them. Don’t remember when exactly was the last such situation but what first came to my mind when I think about it happened about a week or so ago. As you may recall, despite all my desperate trials of avoiding it earlier this season, I finally got struck with a stomach flu, out of the blue. Now if you don’t know it yet, I’m emetophobic (fear of vomiting and pretty much everything to do with vomit), so it’s a drama in itself, even though the chance of me vomiting was rationally probably really slim considering how extremely rarely it happens to me, these days. I’ve once read an article on a website about emetophobia and I’m not perfectly sure if I understood it right, but the way I understood it, it said that many people with emetophobia are actually so anxious of vomiting that they are sort of blocked and often just can’t do it. If so then it’s possible I’m one of such individuals, though as you may imagine when emetophobia really strikes me, it’s only a little help to know it. So usually if despite all my efforts I do get some tummy bug or anything like that, it seems to be milder for me, like less violent, with no throwing up, but often lingers for a bit longer than for normal people. ANyway, the first day I got that flippin bug, was of course the scariest for me and I felt completely out of control and just overwhelmed by anxiety as much as I rarely am these days, I almost couldn’t think properly, and add all the physical symptoms to it like nausea and fatigue and stomach cramps, it was a nightmare I tell you. And finally Mum told me that whatever is the case of my sickness, I should drink apple cider vinegar – she believes it’s an almost perfect cure for almost all kinds of gastric problems. – And yes practically I do agree with her, apple cider vinegar is my good friend and helped me through many threatening situations where I had to be around sick people or feeling like I might be sick. But this time it was a bit different. A week before I got sick, my brother came home one evening and it turned out he ate something that was poisonous. He also drank apple cider vinegar and straight after that, he threw up. Never mind that it of course helped him to speedily get better, what’s important for me is that he threw up. I’d rather feel sick for days than throw up once. So I was sitting for what felt like eternity with that glass of apple cider vinegar, with my rational mind and anxiety having an incredibly dynamic battle while my brain felt like it’s going to go crazy any minute of all that. Finally, my logical mind won, because I was feeling really bad and because it had Mum on its side , so I drank it but man was it scary. I didn’t throw up, I didn’t feel much better either, until much later the next day after drinking a few more glasses of apple cider vinegar, but hey I do now, and I didn’t throw up yaaaay! That’s what counts. 😀 Some people are adrenalin junkies and overcome their fears of bungee jumping or skydiving, while I get over a stomach bug and feel like a superhero. 🙃

How about you? 🙂

Question of the day.

And today I have the following question for you:

What’s the worst thing that’s happened this week?

My answer:

Rant ahead! If you happen to also have emetophobia, or simply are not in the mindset for reading lots of pessimistic stuff loaded with anxiety, I’d recommend proceeding with caution.

For me, ugh, quite tough thing. My Dad got stomach flu, or whatever else it is, with similar symptoms anyway, and for me it means something quite close to end of the world. ‘Cause, for those who don’t know yet, I have emetophobia so such things scare the shit out of me and it’s incredibly hard to settle down after such a thing.

THe ironical part of all this is that he got sick yesterday very early in the morning, and yesterday was his birthday. Also ironically, although I usually keep the door to my room closed at night that night it was open because I left it for Misha, having seen him a couple nights before curled up at my door, waiting for someone to show mercy and open it so that he could go to bed… And I woke up startled and horrified, just had no idea why and then realised there are some very strange sounds downstairs, then I heard Dad going back upstairs to his room so I asked him what’s up and what he’s doing and he said he’s “pooping and puking” so I was absolutely horrified. Then I couldn’t fall asleep for quite a while but was reluctant to get up with so much anxiety and feeling depressed ’cause why should I and as a result I slipped into sleep paralysis for good 30 minutes or so, and there were also some stuff involving vomiting, I was just shattered waking up again so then it seemed even more pointless to get up and I just felt like a piece of bloody shit so stayed in bed until well after noon, which even with my messed up sleep cycle is not much like me, I try to be normally a bit more disciplined but yesterday it just didn’t make any sense. Finally, when I thought that lying in bed actually doesn’t make much sense either and can be even worse because I might get into sleep paralysis again I decided I might as well get up because it’s equally pointless and equally risky and I did. It looked like Mum went out somewhere so I called her to check what the situation actually is and maybe it’s not that bad as I thought. I asked her where she was and what’s with Dad and she said he got poisoned, probably with mushrooms he ate for supper which were probably just undercooked. That still wasn’t a good news, but as long as the poisoning wasn’t serious and the mushrooms weren’t toxic themselves I could breathe a huge sigh of relief because at least it wasn’t contagious, ’cause while pretty much anything related to vomit is more or less scary to me, the thing that is most triggering to me in this regard is being sick myself. I did feel greatly relieved even though I still had my guard on. I really can love someone to pieces but when they are sick and vomiting, especially when infecting, I’d rather be as far away from them as possible. But since it looked like my poor Dad’s illness isn’t contagious and he didn’t vomit any longer, I actually felt a bit guilty because I was vegetating in bed for no apparent reason and he was suffering in loneliness on his birthday and maybe needed some help or whatever. So now as I felt almost sure that being around him is relatively safe, I could play a sister of Mercy. Even though even looking at him being just sick overall made me feel shaky and sick myself. He didn’t want anything from me only to keep him company for a while, which I did, but still tried to keep a safe distance between us, as much as it is possible without being rude when you for example wish someone happy birthday – you won’t do it from a mile away and with your head turned in the opposite direction, right? But I tried to comfort myself that all my altruism and dedication won’t be for nothing and he’s not infecting for sure.

Unfortunately, looks like he does. ‘Cause despite him going to the loo a lot for various purposes and thus getting rid of all the possible mushrooms he could eat, he was still sick and having some flu-like symptoms like muscle aches and such so for my Mum, and with time for me too, it was clear that he got a tummy bug. So, yeah scary.

And it was his birthday, mind you, so, it was a shattering day for me. My Dad being sick, having to be around him, guests, socialising, loads and loads of food, and during the party, when Dad was already feeling better I was sitting next to him, and he was making us drinks, gosh I would most happily just run away screaming as far and fast as I could and hide somewhere in the ices of Lapland until the new year, and it still feels very tempting. And my uncle came before the rest of the guests, just for a short while, and said he was “feeling kind of sick”.

I think I didn’t have such a strong hit of emetophobia since a good couple of years, I think this is one area in which I made a lot of progress for sure, but now it feels like a relapse, I don’t really get why it’s so bad this time, maybe it’s because in general I’ve been overthinking a lot and just an anxious mess overall. I’d never had any particularly compulsive/obsessive behaviours, not even at school when my emetophobia could be really hard to live with at times especially if I didn’t want anyone to realise I was struggling with it, and now I do feel a bit “OCD-like”, feeling like I absolutely need to wash my hands after pretty much anything that I consider even slightly “risky” or before eating whatever. I wasn’t like that and I just hope things get back to normal when the Christmas season ends. 😱 By the way what is with this Christmas season?! It’s not the first one when someone in our house has stomach flu. And because there’s so much food and socialising I definitely feel like it’s the worst possible time for this stuff. If there’s ever a good time I mean.

Dad is feeling OK today and doesn’t have any symptoms, but I definitely don’t, and it’ll be probably be a while until I settle down even if no one else follows, I’m really tired of feeling so intensely anxious already but can’t stop it, still feeling compulsive, eating fairly restrictively and drinking apple cider vinegar despite I actually hate it, but I’d rather drink a sea of it than got sick even without throwing up. It may not help me to keep away from the viruses but at least if I’ll get sick maybe it’ll be milder or in the worst case my overall health might somewhat improve and my metabolism will speed up thanks to it, well I can’t complain about that anyway, but it won’t do me any harm and people are so crazy about its natural properties. My Mum as a true natural health geek drinks it every day or mostly every day and so will I at least until Christmas is over.

So I think that’s the worst thing, I can’t say this week is particularly good in general, but that’s definitely the worst.

And how about you? Feel free to rant if you wish. 🙂

Update on Misha and me.

First of all I wanted to thank all of you once again for all the support and kind thoughts for Misha. It’s way more appreciated than I can express at the moment and means a lot for us. 💙
So as you may know from my yesterday post Misha is sick and that’s for sure now.
I went to sleep almost straight away after writing this post though couldn’t fall asleep for ages, had that awful feeling when you’re just too exhausted emotionally and physically to actually fall asleep. Misha spent some part of the night under my bed, then he threw up again, which messed up with my absolutely fabulously overactive emetophobic brain even more and I felt so sorry for him as he looked so scared and devastated and I was just helpless and scared as well, maybe more than him. 😀 Poor child. So I finally gave up and had to take my sleep meds which I always try to avoid as much as possible but sometimes they can be really saving.
Before I fell asleep Sasha came to me and laid down on me purring so blissfully and loudly, even without me stroking him. He is really such a nice little furball, so very cuddly and joyous. As he lied on me, I felt more grounded and calm under his little, warm body and finally we both fell asleep, although I can’t say I was sleeping well because I was waking like every two hours or so which was really irritating.
Mum gave Misha the antibiotic in the morning, the one he was prescribed yesterday, but he was looking very very poorly. He didn’t eat anything, only drank some water, had diarrhea and fever, although he felt very cold and was shivering just like yesterday. He laid down in his bed – the basket on my bed – and lied there so silently, literally the only way you could actually see he’s alive is to feel his chest moving while breathing, other than that he was so still that it felt utterly scary to me and Zofijka and even to Mum, although she says she isn’t emotionally attached to Misha.
So finally we decided we should go to our local vet to check on him, maybe he would know what’s wrong exactly.
Mum and Sofi ended up packing Misha and driving there twice because the first time they went it was closed so poor thing was quite stressed out, no wonder as he hardly ever leaves the house. Luckily though the vet was indeed able to tell us what’s wrong.
He was actually laughing openly at the thoughtlessness of the vet who vaccinated Misha for cat flu, knowing that Sasha is sick, the more that he was sick with just the same thing. Who on Earth would vaccinate their child if another one is contagiously sick, and why should it be otherwise with pets? That was just what we thought, but obviously you don’t want to come across as a know-all, after all the vet should know better what she does…
Actually, before Misha was vaccinated on Monday, my Mum had one of those inklings she has – the first time they told us to come with Misha for the vaccination and Mum went with him it turned out that they actually didn’t have the vaccine at the moment, then the second time they went was just the same, and my Mum started to wonder out of the blue that maybe it means Misha shouldn’t be vaccinated. Then they planned to go for the third time, but Mum had to collect Dad so they didn’t.
As I said my Mum has such inklings or impulses quite often, she really seems to have a good intuition. It might look a bit like some superstitiality or something like this, but she really acts as if she had some sixth sense sometimes, and generally she’s not superstitious at all, quite the opposite. Oh gosh what a long digression!
So our local vet to whom Misha went today laughed at that vet quite honestly, and told Mum that Misha most probably has caught cat flu from Sasha and this is its very beginning. But because Misha was also vaccinated, plus has been very stressed lately, and not coming out of the house much, it might be a bit more severe than Sasha’s, as his autoimmune system is probably weaker due to all that.
He gave Misha two injections with no problem – although the emergency vet to whom they went yesterday couldn’t manage to do it and Misha broke the needle – and he told Mum to come with Misha again on Saturday to see how things are going. So it’s probably much less serious than it looks.
Mum mentioned to him that Misha is so very stressed out lately and so very fearful, that he’s always been rather prone to anxiety, but since Sasha is with us he seems much more stressed, and he prescribed him something mildly sedative that he can take ad hoc when he’s more stressed, like at such times as now, when he has a lot to cope with emotionally. When I heard all that, I felt somewhat relieved and so did Zofijka and Mum.
I can’t say though that Misha is doing better. What’s for sure though, is that he’s not worse and he’s even eaten a little, so we’re very hopeful.
Sasha is so very caring of him. He’s really such a kind-hearted baby. I went to Misha about an hour ago to check how he’s doing and I found Sasha sitting by his side and purring. Misha was indifferent and rather not encouraging to make any closer relationships with him, but Sasha didn’t care. He really likes Misha. He always purrs and hhrrrus when he sees him, though Misha usually runs away. It’s not like Misha doesn’t like him – he’s not hostile or anything anymore – he just seems like he still needs time to adapt to the situation.
When it comes to me, as I said I feel significantly relieved after all those news and that Misha is relatively stable even if still poorly, though I feel like it hasn’t sunk in in my brain yet. I can’t say I’m feeling well emotionally today.
I’m kinda agitated all day and very anxious in general, don’t know if it’s actually about Misha or for no particular reason. I’m just feeling sort of wired and antsy and jittery and my thoughts are racing quicker than horses and I feel like all the sounds and smells and everything was way more intense than normally and sort of overwhelming, – that thing happens to me quite often but today it’s really pretty distracting – but at the same time I feel exhausted. I don’t even know how to exactly describe it. My anxiety is pretty bad but as I said I’m not really sure of the reason so the more it’s hard for me to get rid of it. I guess I just have to get through this and can’t do much about it at the moment. I rarely feel that way, I mean agitated and like I can’t sit still for too long, usually my anxiety doesn’t look that way, so it feels rather awkward and annoying and maybe there’s something deeper to it that I can’t figure out, but honestly I’m not quite in the mood for figuring out anything at the moment, don’t think it would be actually productive. I think I’ll try my luck and go to sleep, who knows maybe I’ll succeed. Sleep well too guys. 🙂

Freaking out.

Guys I’m so panicky and jittery today, I just can’t calm down my mind.

Misha is probably ill. And it doesn’t look too well, if it ever looks well when someone’s sick.

Today we have a vet day overall, because earlier today mum was at the vet with Sasha, whose eyes are very watery and he has runny nose all the time and is hoarse. Sasha is feeling OK overall but those symptoms are still present although he’s been with us for three weeks now and on antibiotics, so Mum decided to go to another vet as she had an inkling there’s something more to it than just blocked tear ducts.

It turned out he has cat flu or I don’t know how it’s called in English, or actually that it is a recurrence because he was treated at his breeder’s before but not long enough. So now he’s taking other meds, and we’re hopeful he’ll get better soon. Other than being tearful and husky and sneezing all the time he’s fine and dandy so we don’t think there’s something to worry about.

But Misha…

I’ve been kind of worried about Misha since Sasha has come to us, he seems to be adjusted now to his new little friend, unless he invades his privacy or something, though I’ve had an impression he’s even more wary and anxious than before Sasha came. I tried to rationalise it that maybe it’s more visible now that Sasha lives with us and Sasha is so cuddly and energetic and all Misha’s individual traits are now more expressed or something. And maybe it is so.

But since like yesterday I had even an impression that he’s actually kind of sad and dejected. Well, he may be anxious, a loner, very withdrawn and it’s hard to figure out what he feels, but you couldn’t say he’s sad, when he’s his normal self. He’s actually pretty cheerful and humourous in his way. But yesterday, he was sad.

Last night he came to me, I didn’t even know it. I was already in bed, and he hid under it, as he often does when he doesn’t wish to be cuddled, because no one can get him out of there even if they want. He likes to sleep there, although I don’t think it’s the most comfortable place.

And suddenly I heard such a strange noise…. before I even realised I heard it, my heart started racing. I think everyone would be scared to hear some strange noises from under your bed if you don’t know that someone is sitting there since probably a few hours. Then I realised it has to be Misha, and that it sounds a bit like vomiting, or choking, or whatever.

Whatever it could be, if you’re emetophobic like me, you have yet another reason to be scared now.

In a way I got used to cat vomit since Misha lives with us, it’s much less anxiety provoking and triggery than human, the more that he usually does it very discreetly and away from us and it’s not me who has the honour to clean it up, and it’s usually not contagious, still though, I am quite anxious when it happens to him.

But this time it was worse, like more violent, I just felt like it sounded more serious.

He calmed down pretty quickly though so I tried to persuade my brain to forget about it.

After some time he wanted me to let him out so I did and Mum just came back from her friend’s so I went downstairs to her and told her that Misha was choking or vomiting very violently, but to my surprise she didn’t find anything extraordinary under my bed.

So I thought I can sleep peacefully and it was just some weird incident.

In the morning though Mum told me that she heard weird noises at night in the living room so she went there and found Misha choking and vomiting with foam, but said he calmed down quickly after she came to him.

So then I was already alarmed, though Mum said he probably ate something not edible or just ate too much.

And that would make sense – Misha sometimes likes to eat really weird things, despite all his classiness and aristocratic manners. If you leave him in the bathroom and there is water in the bathtube, he will drink it, even if there is soap melted, or shampoo, or bathsalt, or whatever you wish, he’s crazy about water. So maybe that’s why there was foam?

Still though I couldn’t stop worry about him although I was sure there’s no reason and i am just panicking like a neurotic spinster-catmummyfreak. I couldn’t help it though. I always freak out when it comes to Misha, because he’s the most precious thing I have. Even when he came to us, guess what was my first thought when I saw him?? “Oh God how beautiful he is, I love him, what will I do when he dies?” I was scared of even thinking of it, but it just popped in to my mind so suddenly…

I wanted to play with Misha a little in the morning, but he was definitely not in the mood. Then he went to Mum’s bedroom and just curled up there and slept.

I went horse riding then and, well do I need to say it was fabulous, only that it would be even more if I wouldn’t think constantly about Misha and wouldn’t be mad at myself for freaking out for no reason.

When we came home, I found Misha still curled up in Mum’s bedroom and lying very peacefully. I hugged him and I already noticed that he was all shaking and trembling. It happens to him sometimes, particularly when he’s asleep, so I tried to not think about it too much, maybe that’s the way he is.

After some time Mum was going to vacuum and she brought Misha to my room because he’s scared of vacuum cleaner so we always close him somewhere so that he wouldn’t be too scared. I laid him on my bed and stroked him, and couldn’t stop thinking about how shaky he is, as if he was freezing or extremely fearful, or had fever. I couldn’t resist to not wrap him up in the blanket, though it didn’t really help

I left him asleep and went to do my own things but soon heard him choking and vomiting again. And again and again. And then a couple more times throughout the day. Obviously it scared the shit out of me, both because I was so worried about Misha, but also because anything about vomit scares the shit out of me.

A while ago my Mum and Sofi went shopping and they also were at KFC (to get that takeaway meal with milkshakes I was telling you about recently) and when they came back I told Mum to look at Misha once again, because he’s really shaky and looks so depressed.

She looked at him and said there really has to be something wrong and she called the vet and they told her to come with him quickly. I just don’t know what to think, actually I would be really happy if I could switch off my brain, maybe if I’ll let it out here I’ll be able to…

So Mum took him and Zofijka went with them. I wanted to go too at first but then decided I rather wouldn’t, as it won’t make any good to anyone, especially me, and I can’t help him. So I stayed with Sasha.

By the way, speaking about Sasha, I don’t know if I told you about that guys before, but ironically Sasha seems to really like me. And I feel a bit weird about that since so far I don’t feel almost anything to him other than simply like him. Nothing as strong as to Misha. While Sasha is so clearly affectionate to me. 😀 Poor Zofijka, because officially he’s hers. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her though, he likes everyone and is so very trustful.

I had my KFC food a while ago and the milkshake, and yes, it was good, as I expected, but I didn’t enjoy it at all, just drank it because probably I’d regret it later on if I wouldn’t, getting a chance after like ten years.

They just came back with Misha. Much quicker than I’d expect…

Mum says they don’t know anything. Misha was vaccinated like two days ago or so for cat flu, so maybe it could be a reaction for that, or the stress related to Sasha as it’s such a major change to him.

They wanted to give him an injection, but he was apparently fighting very vivaciously and crying, and Zofijka started to cry too, and she still can’t calm down.

I wish I could cry like her too, but I can’t and my head is throbbing and I feel almost physically sick of all that.

Misha got an antibiotic and something else and the vet said he indeed has fever.

I so wish it was just stress and that he gets better quickly.

Sorry for being so dramatic and emotional but I don’t have another brain mode to switch to at the moment and I just had to get it off, though don’t know if I really achieved it..

Please keep Misha in your prayers if you can or send him good vibes or something… He just looks so hopeless…

😱

Think I’m going to bed very soon, although it’s only half past eight, but I think it’s the wisest thing I can do now.

Question of the day.

How do you like your eggs? Do you put any condiments on them?

My answer:

I’m not a big fan of eggs in general, I mean I can eat them but it’s nothing I would love or even particularly like. If I eat them, they’re hard or soft boiled, but I absolutely hate fried eggs, and I hate scrambled eggs even more, I wouldn’t eat them even for a million dollars, I just have such nasty emetophobic memories with them that even a single thought can make me feel nauseous, ew, yuck! As for the condiments, for me it’s usually salt, well, always salt, usually some mayo, and sometimes chilli, or other spicy stuff, but rather rarely, I don’t think it goes that well with eggs.

How about you? 🙂

Scared.

Long rant and unbossoming ahead, so be careful. Also TW for talking about emetophobia and all the obvious related yucky stuff. And about surgeries, and other related, possibly triggering, yucky topics. I will love you if you’ll get through all this, however it’s definitely not something I expect you to do, I just wanted to get things off my brain.

I’m having an absolutely shitty day, with lots of anxiety. I woke up very anxious because I had some gross nightmares for a second night in a row, but hey, that’s not the first time, so I thought I will get out of that murky place in a while. And I probably would, but then other things started happening. Particularly one thing a while ago.

Zofijka’s friend came over. She is, I dunno actually what’s with her, I guess she has some cold or something, anyway she is coughing a lot, but she seemed to be OK besides and they played lively as always and with lots of scream, as always. I was writing an exhaustive email to my pen pal, because I wanted to do it much earlier but haven’t been very well organised so didn’t manage, plus I wanted to distract from my other anxieties doing it. It wasn’t something very private or that I’d have to concentrate a lot on doing so I had the door open, the more that Misha was going in and out all the time.

And suddenly I heard someone running to the bathroom, the one that we have upstairs and that is beside my room. It was Zofijka’s friend. She was choking and then it sounded like she was gagging. So, well, I just froze. I couldn’t do anything, even just turn on the music or close that stupid door or do whatever. This is usually my reaction when I hear someone vomiting. Then Zofijka came to her and they talked silently and after a while they walked out. I don’t know what happened to her, I guess her cough was just so intensive. I know she had a brain tumour and isn’t fully recovered from it and Zofijka was mentioning that she had different things happenign to her as a result of it, but still objectively it didn’t look like something major. But I don’t want to know what it was… Or actually, I want, but I don’t want. That’s the best way I can describe it. But I think I don’t want more than I want. She looked like besides the cough she’s just OK, she played with Zofijka they were running and stuff, but now they just are sitting in Zofijka’s room and watching something. Obviously I wonder whether she has some flu or something and whether it’s contagious. I hate overthinking about such details. I wonder whether she’ll sleep with Zofijka. I generally like when other kids come to Zofijka for night, which may be surprising for you if you know me even just a little bit and how socially freaked I am, but everyone of us likes it, because then we don’t have to pay so much attention to her, she can be really really absorbing and exhausting long term, so it’s nice when another child comes to her for a weekend and she has something to do without either Mum or me having to constantly watch her, keep her company or endure her moodswings. BUt if she’s sick… and Zofijka will catch it too? And these scary bacteria and all will be all around our house… Grrrr!!! Scary!!! But I can’t stop thinking about it. Even if it isn’t anything contagious, I’m still scared, and I feel absolutely helpless about it at the moment.

I’m trying to distract, listening to music, I snuggled with Misha for a while when he wanted, went down to my Mum to smalltalk with her, but realised my Dad came back and they’re arguing so… well, ugh, I was reading blogs, tried to finish that email I started to write which didn’t go that well so I’d have to rewrite it, and now I’m writing here in hopes that if I’ll get it out it won’t feel so scary. More than an hour has passed since that little incident and I still can settle, and it scares me too, because I feel like it’s way too much time to process such a little thing, I don’t even know whether she actually vomited. But I just still feel so shitty, shaky and nauseated and cold and hot and dizzy and my thoughts are racing. Before that happened I planned to eat something soon but now I can’t think about eating anything without getting more nausious. Actually I’m rather surprised it affected me so much because I was doing better with my emetophobia recently. My family were sick in March and I had a lot of stress with it and other stuff combined together and although it WAS very tough, they were sick for a long time, I got through it more smoothly than this thing now. And I also feel like some major mood dip is starting for me, or maybe it’s just my anxiety trying to convince me that just everything is pointless. I took my extra anti-anxiety med but it doesn’t seem to do much.

And that other thing that scared me, not as much as the previous one, but now it all just combined into one scary monster in my brain, was something we talked about with Mum earlier today. Mum woke up having awful muscle cramps in her neck – she has issues with her spine so it’s like normal when she sleeps long in one position, and last night she slept very heavily. ANyway she wanted to make an appointment with her massagist as soon as possible. Then it reminded her that she also wanted to talk to him about me. Because of my feet and my muscle contractions that came up again when I started doing those five Tibetan rites with her. I agreed that she could talk with him about me and that it perhaps would be good if he saw me. Well I actually don’t remember if I had ever told you that I had a surgery for my Achilles tendons when I was 10. The orthopaedist I saw said that the source of the issues with my feet are the Achilles tendons which are to short so they’d have to lengthen them. They told me I would be in plaster for six weeks and how the surgery would look like. But it was all very brief and I didn’t really know what is going to happen, how I imagined it to be was completely different, and it seemed a very distant future. And when it finally happened it happened very suddenly, just the doctor told us out of the blue he can operate me in a week so we can come soon and that was it. So I had this operation, in pretty awful circumstances which I won’t go into now, and then I woke up hearing my Dad and nurses complimenting my new white high boots and how fashionable they are, and then I realised I had plasters allover my legs. Like, the surgery area was my Achilles tendons and maybe some part of my calves, while the plaster was all the way from my tighs to my toes so that I couldn’t even bend my legs. I think it had to shock me. I saw people in plaster before, like my Dad had his leg broken a few times, but I never thought you can be like this – I just though people who have something in plaster walk with crutches and do everything normally, like my Dad did. While I was actually bed bound. I think my parents weren’t prepared for such a big thing either, which only contributed to my insecurity around this. I actually felt much more like I was after some major accident than a minor surgery. Mum asked them to discharge me after the surgery and so they did, but I didn’t feel any better emotionally when I was at home. My existence started to be absolutely monotonous and depressive. This was the same year when I started integration school for a while in hopes it will work out for me, and Zofijka was born, so a lot of changes in other fields as well. I was overwhelmed that all the independence I had to the day of surgery was actually taken from me and I had to ask people for help with literally anything, like my Dad had to carry me to the loo and all that felt incredibly humiliating. I spent most of the time alone with not much to do since I couldn’t even change my position a lot. Mum was very occupied with Zofijka who was a very screamy baby and also we were moving houses and there was a lot of hustle with it so that she was mostly out of the house and then coming back in the evenings. I remember that I felt then that I was never going to recover or things will even get worse, that it will turn out I will have some weird complications or something. I think apart from all the boarding school shit etc. it was one of the things that screwed me up the most. That year many of my worst anxieties were brought to life or exacerbated, and I think then it was exactly when my first full episode of depression started, but it was diagnosed much later. It was then when I first was actively suicidal, and lots of other rubbish happened. When they finally took off the plasters of me I was very unsettled. In fact, when I was going hme after the surgery I was rather numb, but when they took the plasters off I felt like everything suddenly bursted out of me and I was a sobbing mess and noone, including me, could actually figure out why. It wasn’t the end though and the recovery afterwards and all the physio was even more traumatising and scary for me. When I finally recovered, after some time it turned out that the whole thing was actually waste of time and didn’t help much, and also that the plasters didn’t necessarily have to be that huge. I couldn’t recover emotionally for much longer, like even the songs I heard on the radio that I heard back then in the hospital or that were often played when I was after the surgery could bring me back to those feelings and experiences, and I could just feel situations as if they were now, or I had dreams in which it all was starting allover again, or a deep conviction it’s going to happen again, also that depression in which I slipped after the surgery has stayed with me for a long time. But I hardly ever talked with anyone about it and if so, very briefly and not going into my feelings. The only thing I am happy about with that surgery is that at that time I was luckily at home, not at the boarding school, otherwise I would have to go through that hell there, my Mum even told me once that she actually regretted I didn’t have the surgery there because it would be all easier logistically, so well, I should be thankful. Then Mum also brought me to another orthopaedist after a few years, and he told us that actually all that could be done with my feet, should be done when I was a baby and then everything would be OK, but what we could do at that moment was a surgery called Grice-Green’s surgery. I was just frightened, the more that this guy in turn described it all to me with lots of details and it seemed dreadful to me. However, somehow the thing was soon brushed under the carpet and of course I didn’t want to be the one uncovering it. My feet deffects aren’t so serious that they would affect my every day functioning significantly, or be very troublesome to live with, so I didn’t care and still don’t care much about it.

But where I’m going to, is that this massagist my Mum goes to is also a doctor. And it just scares the shit out of me that he could tell me I need another surgery or even anything similar. Of course I’d refuse, I won’t put myself into such things again now when I have the choice, but it all just… I think it triggered me. Because since we talked about it my brain is just flooded with memories. I feel so damn frustrated that I still haven’t got over with it. Like maybe I have a bit, but it still feels scary. I haven’t thought more about all that stuff for a long time now, I didn’t want to, and now it just all goes through my brain without me actually controlling it, like eveb the very details of that time and it makes me wanna scream. My Mum says he won’t do it, that he will just work on my muscles, because in recent years I’ve been getting a lot of contractions and stuff in many of my muscles, but particularly in my legs, and it actually is a bit disturbing for example with my horse riding or now with the Tibetan exercises. But some catastrophising parts of my freaky brain don’t want to believe in it.

Finally she called him and asked him if she could come, and then she went to him, and talked about me. She told me he said that these muscle contractions can also be neurotic, and that he’ll see me tomorrow at 12. I feel soo anxious about it.

Another thing I feel anxious about with this appointment is that I hate strangers touching me, even more if I’m just in my underwear. Mum says he wouldn’t care about it and how I look and stuff, that she was anxious about it too, but he has seen too many people to care about it, and she is sure I will like him. But for me it’s not about him. I don’t care if he’ll think I’m pretty or ugly or if he’ll care about how I look at all. It’s about me. I really really hate when people pay so much close attention to me, yuck.

So yeah, am very anxious today, but will have to get over it somehow. My emetophobia has calmed down a little bit as I’ve been writing and this girl isn’t sleeping with Zofijka, and also nothing very bad couldn’t happen to her, Zofijka would already tell me for sure.

I feel exhausted by all that anxiety, it’s been a while since the last time I can remember it being so intense, so I think the best thing I can do is to just shut off my brain and go to sleep, if I’ll manage, and hope tomorrow will maybe be better. Mum says she feels like having period and actually I would be glad if she would. It isn’t a Christian behaviour to wish someone a period, but then I know Mum would be stranded at home for the first day and we won’t go anywhere. I know I will have to see him and I know it could help me but I feel like right now I’m definitely not prepared. All that anxiety is, I guess, not adequate to the situation, and I would like some more time to digest it. I definitely wouldn’t like to come to him and freak out completely and lose the control over my anxiety, have a panic attack or something, which, in my current state of mind, would be very possible. Or I just hope this appointment will go better than I think it may. I just hope I’m only catastrophising with all this.

OK, sleep well, world. .

Disappear.

Oftentimes, I feel the need to just disappear. Even just for a while. Just so that I can have time to set my messy brain in order, and start to function properly, or at least as well as I can, again, to recharge.

When I was living away from home at the boarding school for years, the only place I could go to to have a guarantee I’ll be absolutely alone was… the restroom. Sometimes I was just going there to calm down the chaos of my mind, or just to be alone for a while, but often I did it if I wanted to talk to someone on the phone privately. Of course, I could just wait until there will be a moment when there will be no one else in my bedroom than me, but it was a rare occasion and usually then, I was out too, or was busy, plus, when you really need to talk to someone, you need it just now. So, yeah, usually, when I talked to my Mum, or anyone else from my family, or my therapist, I did it in the loo. I hated it, because the sound echoed there so much and the privacy was minimal because anyone could hear you if they only wanted or if there was quieter outside for a while. But still you had more space than usually in our bedrooms, where there were at least three people living together if not more. Needless to say lots of people often wondered or even asked me what I do so often and for so long in the loo, but I didn’t care and if it was necessary, I was happy to satisfy them with some convincing enough excuses. Later on, I’ve found some other hideouts for myself, where I could just disapear, and feel better afterwards, or just demonstrate my rebellion or frustration by escaping there. I found LD and OOBE very entertaining. And some time later I started to use Doses (sound drugs). I was living half in my own world, made entirely of dreams, imaginings and hallucinations. I loved it there. Only that as it showed later on, there was also a much darker side to that beautiful world, which I tried to ignore. Without going into ethical stuff, as I talked a bit about it before, I can just say it messed up with my brain a little in a longer perspective.

When I got outa there, I was awfully depressed all the time, well I was before too, obviously, but when I got home I fuly realised it because before it happened, I simply didn’t have time to be depressed and I just had to live on. So when I got home and my depression set free, so to say, after so many years of being well hidden, it just struck me with its intensivity. And it was hard to cope with it. So again, I wanted to disappear, hide, run away from my freaky brain. And what I mostly did back then was sleep. Even my sleep paralysis nightmares were sometimes better than my depressed reality.

Now as I got relatively better, I still need to disappear at times. Not only when I’m depressed, but just to stay healthy and recharge my brain from time to time. Well actually I need it quite often, particularly after a lot of stuff happening or a lot of social interactions, doesn’t matter whether good or bad. Then I disappear into another world I’ve created for myself. I don’t always need to be long in there to feel better. Sometimes I just lay down with Misha, very close to him, and listen to all the sounds inside of him, cuddle into his silky fur, feel his little, warm and springy body under my hands. That feels very grounding and soothing. Other times I’ll lock my room, put the headphones on and flow away to Dreamland, a world constructed entirely of my favourite music, and my daydreams. Sometimes I just listen to the music and let my thoughts flow freely, sometimes I only focus on the music and other sensory stuff around me if I want to ground more, sometimes though I go deep into my dreams. I dream about very different things. From those very simple ones to some completely out of my reach, to very exciting ones, to ones that are actually fantastic. Sometimes I dream about stuff I really would like to happen some day, and sometimes about things that I’d rather prefer to stay in Dreamland, so that I can go away from them or come back to them whenever I want. daydreaming feels frustrating sometimes, if you feel like you’ll just never ever be able to make come true any of your dreams, you aren’t even sure if you want it, but most of the time, it feels gorgeous. As Enya sings: “Dreams are more precious than gold” so why not to cherish them? You can always emeerge from the waters of Dreamland if you want to, but you know it’s still there and you can float back there if you only want. And sometimes I listen to music and write something, be it my diary, a blog post, a short story, or just my lose thoughts. And then, I’m able to handle things more effectively. As there are no devices that would be a perpetum mobile, same applies to people. Everyone needs to recharge, and as it is with all kinds of devices, we also vary from each oter and so different rechargers fit us. 😀

Another time when I want to disapear, and that’s a rather common thing for all of us I guess, is when something triggers my anxiety suddenly. Be it social situations, crowds, some sounds, or speciffic things that always make me anxious and almost or completely freak out. Like yesterday. Since a few days, there was something stinking awfully on our backyard. We had a doghouse on our backyard, although we don’t have a dog nowadays, but the doghouse is still there just in case. And the smell seemed to come from there. Yesterday my Dad was doing stuff around the backyard and finally he just went there to see what it is stinking so horribly. It was just like a carrion smell. So he came closer and here’s what he saw – a dead cat lied wrapped in the cover that previously was our poor dog’s, Bobby’s. My Dad removed it and ran into the house. At the same time I was going downstairs to the kitchen, I wanted to pour myself a glass of orange juice that my Mum made. And I heard him falling in like a storm. I only managed to ask what’s up and then I heard some very scary and disquieting sounds from the bathroom. He was throwing up. I can imagine now how disgusting that view had to be. I wanted to disapear! Run away! Into the kitchen, back to my room, wherever. Wanted to scream so loud that I wouldn’t hear him doing it. But I just froze. And that was the worst thing I could do. I just couldn’t move. Just stood there on the stairs not able to do anything. I could only move when he was done with it. But luckily he was OK afterwards and it was just a single incident.

Are there times when you want to disappear? Do you do it then? Where do you go? What do you do there? 🙂

 

Question of the day.

It really upsets me when I hear people…

My answer:

…vomiting. 😀 That was the first what came to my mind. I’m laughing while writing this, but the problem is real and serious. Anything about vomiting scares me and it is this way since as long as I can remember, although it wasn’t always to such an extent that you could call it phobic. Even the word vomit in all the languages in which I know how to say it sounds quite… not scary, but… don’t know, disgusting and… and maybe yes, maybe a bit scary. I can’t define a specific situation though that has caused this fear in me, however when I was in my early teens, lots of fears that I had before started to exacerbate and I got a bunch of speciffic phobias during relatively short time. At that time I was very neurotic and had lots of weird psychosomatic issues, well now we know they were psychosomatic but they were rather enigmatic then. I’ve never struggled with any serious digestive issues at all, but then I had overwhelming nausea most of the time and had just a single episode during that time when I vomited simply because of emotional overlload, as I know now. And as I can remember that was the moment when my fear really exacerbated.

I couldn’t hear people vomiting without feeling like my knees weere of jelly, nauseated, dizzy and about to faint, even people who were about to vomit scared me and it was very hard for me to hide. I could love you to pieces, but if you were sick, I wouldn’t come closer than a metre to you if I had the choice, and most willingly wouldn’t even be in the same room as you, even for a very short while. If I had to be with you, I’d then wash my hands for 5 minutes afterwards. It was just way stronger than me. I couldn’t watch movies where people vomited, gagged or even choked, it freaked me out immediately. Even books were hard to get through without making me shaky. And I think I don’t have to mention that I was scared of the possibility that I could vomit or even be close to it. At that time I had a whole lot of restrictions and if I had to break them, I was freaking out, oh, I was freaking out even not doing it, ’cause everything is possible. It was developing very quickly to the point that one of the staff at the boarding school was convinced I’m anorectic. My list of forbidden foods quickly evolved from a few speciffic dishes to most foods and I was very ingenious in making up ways to not alarm anyone with the fact I’m barely eating anything nutritious. It was scary. So many things were scary. Eating, drinking, travelling, tummybugs – which are often guests when so many people live together, periods, meds – well they could also be helpful at times – various scary diseases…………………

And it lasted for quite long, but I got somewhat better gradually after I left the boarding school. I am still emetophobic and it is a significant issue for me – I’m eaten up by anxiety whenever someone in my surroundings gets sick, no matter whether it’s contagious or not – I still have some foods I’ll NEVER EVER eat, even some which I actually liked, and theoretically still like, but, ugh, nooo. I still have times when it becomes worse out of nowhere and I can barely function like a normal human being. I still can’t watch movies with people vomiting, but talking about the topic as you can see isn’t so very scary now for me as it used to be, unless we don’t go too much in details. I can read books with people vomiting with almost no problem, or I just skip it and go on, although there were some books which I had to stop reading, like I remember there was one book by Colleen MCCullough I wanted to read, I started and enjoyed it, but there were people vomiting at least three times and I just couldn’t move on. Hearing people around me vomiting is hell.

But you know what’s most ridiculous about it? Since that time in my teens when I vomited, it has NEVER EVER happened to me again. I’ve read on the forum for emetophobics something that if I got it right, said that people who suffer from emetophobia are so blocked from vomiting that they can’t do it physically. Don’t know whether it’s true, and whether it changes anything, but it makes some sense. I’ve had one or two norovirus infection during all those years, I got also rather severely dehydrated once, and although I did feel like I’m just about to vomit then and my fear was indescribable, I just didn’t and it felt like I had some sort of blockade inside. People say vomiting it’s not pleasant, but it’s good because then you feel better, but I’d rather live with extreme nausea and other stuff all the time than vomit once.

OK, over. Yuck, what a fascinating topic.

How would you end this sentence and why? 🙂

A shitty, Zombie day.

Yeah, today I have another Zombie day, which means, if you’re unfamiliar, that I’m after a night of completely no sleep. I think the reason of my sleep being so poor recently is that I’m significantly anxious over many things. A bit more than a week ago my term exam session started, which is always some stress – almost none in comparison to final exams that I’ll have in May, but still, makes me quite tense. Besides, almost at the same time my brother picked up some tummy bug or something and was sick, with vomiting and all the attractions, which obviously triggered my emetophobia. It lasted for very long for him and then Dad got infected too and it lasted very long too, so I was freaking out literally, because they were sick and because I could get sick and anyone else could. I didn’t get it luckily, but still don’t fully know if it’s actually over for them. Moreover, my Mum had gastroscopy and colonoscopy on Tuesday before Easter. Well it didn’t regard me directly, but still it made me feel anxious for some reason, I almost felt like I myself was going to have gastroscopy, which would be just traumatic for me I guess and I was stressed for Mum. Don’t know why I reacted so strongly for it. And then Mum had also some not serious complications after that which contributed to my anxiety. It’s crazy. and my final exams are in a month now, which is the thing I’m most anxious about currently. It’s not only about the exams themselves and whether I’ll pass them, but also about the circumstances in which I’ll be writing them. I’m not sure whether I finally told you or not, I guess I did, but I won’t take them at my own school that I formally go to. My school is a normal, mainstream school and my Mum was kind of afraid I might not get all the adjustments I could get if I’d write at a special school for the blind, especially as for math, as this is the subject I particularly suck at and is very difficult for me. I agree with it and so my Mum came up with the idea she’ll ask the headmistress of one of the schools for the blind – not the one I was going to as a child, a completely different one – if it would be possible for me to write there. There was a lot of paperwork and other stuff involved, but it was possible and I got the permission finally. But this school, although is much closer than the one I was going to, is still quite far from where I live, in a different region. So we would have to stay in the boarding school. I know, I won’t be there on my own, there will be Mum and maybe Zofijka with me, I will live with them and the circumstances will be completely different, we’ll be out of there most of the time, I desperately try to think rationally about it, but the anxiety is still there. I know it’s so irrational and stupid and all, but it doesn’t seem like I could do much about it now. I’ll probably just have to face it and see if it was worth all that anxiety or not. Also, I’m having lots of nasty dreams recently, with sleep paralysis and without and they scare me so so much. Just last week I had sleep paralysis twice. It’s knackering and makes me feel just helpless. Often such dreams leave me anxious for hours after they pass away. So yeah plenty of issues that may contribute to that lack of sleep.

Luckily I didn’t have to do anything important today, apart from preparing to my History exam which I’ll have on Monday, but it wasn’t hard to do and I actually could do it tomorrow as well if I really needed. I feel absolutely crappy today, with no energy (despite three strong coffees), lots of anxiety and depression, but that’s normal I guess for everyone who didn’t sleep for an entire night, or at least it’s my normal when I don’t sleep properly, the more tat other things get in the way.

Recently I was writing that I plan on buying a new Braille-Sense, and it turned out that it’s time now for applying for funding, so I did some of that endless paperwork with Mum. Well I guess don’t have much more to say now. Just had to rant a bit.

How are you guys doing? 🙂