Question of the day (26th August).

Hey people. 🙂

Here’s my another question for you:

Throughout childhood, did you seek to have a specific profession (perhaps different professions during different periods) once reaching adulthood? Did this change once you passed beyond high school?

My answer:

I had multiple ideas throughout my childhood as for what I wanted to be as an adult, but it rarely or never was very clear, like, I’m sure I want to be this, and I will do anything to make it happen. And, in fact, the older I got, the more blurred my ideas were getting, due to many factors. When I was in nursery, so in my case from the age 5, I really loved singing. I don’t know where I got that from, I certainly had some skill for it but I have an impression this could be that stereotype that, you know, blind people are always good at music, and my family picked it up and so I did too. But whatever the cause of that, I liked it at the time, and whenever someone would ask me about what I wanted to be in the future, I’d say I would like to either be a singer, or a musician, or perhaps even a dancer, and that I didn’t want to have babies, because when women want a baby, they can have it, but they don’t have to when they don’t want. 😀 Around the same time though (I have a feeling I might have written about that somewhere on my blog earlier), I got some weird dream or an imagining or whatever it was. I was lying in bed at night in the nursery and almost falling asleep, or perhaps I was already somewhere between asleep and awake, and I know that a while earlier I was thinking about how it feels like to be an adult, and that I guess I wouldn’t like to be. And then, I saw myself as an adult, in a really huge kitchen. I was about to prepare a meal I guess, and I was all surrounded with little children and toddlers clinging to me. But the most weird and vivid thing for me that I remember the best in that little scene was the sense of hopelessness and despair I felt, and that I didn’t know what to do, like at all, with myself, with those kids, with that damn meal, it was frustrating, I was lost and confused and like people are expecting something from me but I didn’t know what and how to do it. I think it had to be a really powerful image because it stayed with me for years and when I was a kid, whenever I heard the word “adult”, that was what first came to my mind, and I still have that association somewhere in my brain.

When I was older, I wanted to be a writer, which has always been quite an appealing thing to me and I’ve always loved writing, I also had a stage when I wanted to be a psychologist, I guess as in therapist, and then for quite a while I also wanted to be a sound engineer or a music producer, which eventually led me to getting a chance to try my hand at the former for a couple years in an online academic radiostation where my friend Jacek (the one from Helsinki, but back then from Poland) volunteered, even though I wasn’t a student at his uni, but he managed to get me in there. Was loads of fun, but I realised I wasn’t enough into it to do it full time. I also wanted to do something with linguistics, like be somehow involved in creating speech synthesis for example, as it’s definitely something that is hugely based on linguistics and they need people who know something about specific languages and phonetics stuff in general.

When I met my horse riding instructor, who is also a neurologist and knows a whole lot about the brain and loads of other interesting things about horses and humans, and after I spent some time with her, it slowly dawned on me that had I been sighted, I’d definitely have to be a neurosurgeon, I’ve also read some really interesting books about the brain at that time as well as about the beginnings of neurosurgery. But obviously since I’m blind that was out of question, and while it was and still is a fun dream for me, since it’s not a realistic one, I don’t think about it outside of the dream zone anymore at all.

I’ve fell in love with harp along the way and I had a really strong phase when I wanted to become a harpist, but at the same time, having tried two instruments before and not being able to learn to play any of them really well because of coordination issues and such, I was too scared to try in case I would be disappointed, because then I’d be disappointed really hard, and since it was Celtic harp I was dreaming about, there weren’t even any tutors in my area for that instrument, and it would be even more unthinkable for me to learn on my own.

Then I got a chance to finally do more with my languages and finally I’ve embraced what people have been telling me for ages, probably just because it was the only idea that popped into their mind as for what a blind person could do (apart from being a musician or a massage therapist) that I should become a translator. It wasn’t too appealing to me before, because the only idea of a translator I had in my mind was someone who follows you everywhere in a foreign country if you are a VIP and translates your every word and translates what people say to you. I never knew how they managed to do it – remember what someone is saying and translate it in their brain and then tell it the other person in the other language so quickly – and I couldn’t imagine myself doing that. –
Oral translating, especially simultaneous, is still like black magic to me, but I like the idea of doing written translations. I also discovered for good how in love I was with Celtic languages and cultures and wanted to do something with it. I didn’t really know what I could do after Celtic studies, apart from making another translation of Mabinogion or something like that, but I wanted to study Celtic studies. And I think I would probably do that, if not the fact that the two universities in Poland where they were available were very far away from me, and I completely didn’t feel like going to the other end of the country again, not even for the Celtic studies, and didn’t feel it would be realistic for me to live there independently. There were Celtic studies at University of Wales Trinity St. David that I really really really wanted to apply for, because they sounded like just for me, but after some investigation their e-learning environment turned out not to be very accessible, and later on I realised that they were MA studies so I couldn’t do them straight away after finals. And then I didn’t have to worry about my Celtic studies anymore because, quite as I supposed it could be, I didn’t pass the math final exam, and failed in a big way at it. I decided that at least for now I am not going to rewrite it, as you may already know. But still I think it’s not unrealistic for me to become a translator or something like this. I might rewrite that exam at some point, or even if not, I still know a couple languages, and as my Swedish teacher had always told me, knowing about all my other issues, no one would need a piece of paper to confirm that, and no one can tell me I can’t speak a language if they see I do. I am also slowly working on my translations of the poems of Cornelis Vreeswijk’s, I’m never happy with them and my feelings about whether I should ever show them to the wider audience or not are ever fluctuating, so we’ll see. I am, as you also probably know, also working as a secretary/office worker in my Dad’s company, which I feel very lucky about, and which I don’t think my childhood self would ever guess to happen. 😀

How was it with you? 🙂

Question of the day (25th August).

Hi guys. 🙂

I was feeling shitty all day yesterday so didn’t even write anything, so here’s the overdue question for you, another childhood related one.

Did you like school? Are there reasons that you liked/disliked it?

My answer:

Who likes school? Not me anyway. Okay, at the beginning of my education I liked school somewhat, just except having to stay at the boarding school and except all the stressful stuff. It was stressful and challenging but I guess I liked learning. But it didn’t last long. Things were becoming more and more stressful, and I realised that, at least most of the time, creativity isn’t very well seen, and that most of the time it’s just either boring or freakishly abstractive for my brain, and that it was becoming more and more rare that what I learned at school would be either interesting or significantly beneficial/useful to me and bring something new into my life. I much preferred to learn things myself, things that I found interesting, although that wasn’t always possible, or not to a big degree. I didn’t do socialising literally at all at the beginning, then with years I learned to engage with people a bit more but it was very superficial. At the beginning of primary I remember I loved learning Polish and especially English, with English I stopped loving it as a subject very quickly because we happened to have a teacher that no one of us really liked who wasn’t too approachable or likeable, and then for the next year or two we had in turn a very meek teacher who was a lovely person but couldn’t even have much control over the class, and wasn’t demanding at all so things were either boring or chaotic on her lessons. And most of the time I didn’t have luck with English teachers, no matter in which school I was, I had only a few pretty good ones, and I’ve had fair few of them haha. Polish I loved for longer, as long as I was allowed to write elaborate stuff on topics I liked or that I felt comfortable with and could read at least mostly what I liked or stuff that we were reading for school was interesting. I think I started to get seriously disheartened by Polish in 4th grade but still was fairly good at it, and still there were things I liked about it. But, as you hopefully know, at least if you’ve been here for a while, neither English or Polish as a subject has ever discouraged me from liking those languages as such, although it was very close to it with English at some point and I had to rediscover it for myself a bit and, in a way, relearn it in my own way. I never cared much for grades, neither good nor bad, and I was not a perfectionist at school matters whatsoever, though the bigger tests usually really scared me and with time I did started to feel slightly inferior because of my math dilemmas, but only a bit. I hated that they wanted me to be good at everything (thankfully my Mum didn’t and was pissed off with that approach when she found out there is such so I didn’t want to be good at everything either). I guess I must have some sort of ability to learn things reasonably quickly, which was a bit weird but which really saved me at school, because I didn’t like studying hard, I mean repeating what we had at school and just spending more time than necessary with school stuff, I only did homework and repeated things very superficially before tests if I felt like I could fail spectacularly or if I needed to do reasonably good. I just never like to spend too much time doing boring things that I don’t have much interest in. I had to change that approach when preparing to my finals and spend horrendous amounts of time preparing to my math exam, but, as it seems, even studying really hard can’t always save you. 😀 So, especially as time went by, there were less and less things I liked at school. I was constantly stressed and depressed, having trouble engaging with people and doing a lot of daily prosaic stuff because of various things that I was struggling with, I was awfully neurotic and just hated school with a passion. Somehow I guess though that most of the time I at least managed to keep the impression that I’m doing well, unless someone was a bit more perceptive but I didn’t want people to see, or see as little as possible. I’ve also always been scared of changes, and at school you get a whole lot of them sometimes.

When I was 17, I got out of the school for the blind permanently and for a year that I had left until starting college, or however else you’d call it in your country, I was having individual education at my local school, where my brother was going to. My dream was always to be homeschooled, but I knew that was hardly possible, so I was happy that the psychiatrist who saw me at the time agreed with my Mum and therapist and the headmaster of that school who felt I could benefit from doing that year in individual education. And my poor teachers would benefit too, they weren’t really prepared for me appearing suddenly and I know most of them were deadly scared of the prospect of teaching a blind student. So I think it was easier for them doing it just with me than in the class, if it felt so challenging for them. And that year was the best year at school for me. I am sure that had I been at that school all the time it wouldn’t be a good decision, but I sort of regretted I didn’t come there earlier. I discovered that – while I was reasonably good at most subjects before – I was doing much better when learning one to one, and also I liked that I could really get to know my teachers well and they could get to know me well. I had exams at the end of that year, before going to college, but I don’t remember being very stressed about them. I was, a bit, for sure, but not quite as much as I was before previous or later major exams. I only remember finishing the syllabus for most of the subjects ridiculously quickly and reading my Vreeswijk’s poems translations or my short stories to my Polish teacher during our lessons and such. They really liked me there and I liked them. Sometimes I came to Olek’s classroom and had had lessons with the class (we were in the same class even though he’s two years younger than me because I had two years delay) and I kinda got along with a few girls in there even though they didn’t even know where people speak Finnish but oh well, never mind. I had a whole big classroom just to myself where I had all the lessons, and I remember passionately reading “Outsider” by Colin Wilson during most breaks while listening to music on the headphones so, if you know me, you’d figure out I was pretty chilled there, as for my standards. 😀 So yeah, that school I did like.

Then I went to that weekend school for adults, which was just boring. I also found it hard to socialise with people, especially with most of the teachers, those who seemed to be plain scared of me or something like that. I was really struggling with math stuff, and the rest was usually quite boring. I had one good friend who was helping me with things like getting around which made it all much easier for me, and I had some other fun people in the class too though a lot of people were dropping out or coming as they pleased since it was a college for adults so no one could pressure them to do anything really, and many folks got some benefits at work or something like this when they were learning at the same time so they enrolled often just for the sake of it. It all felt a bit artificial for me but then school is generally one big faking in so many ways for me so I was just trying to get through that period as best I could. At some point my Mum got tired of driving me back and forth and I was tired of sitting in the class while they were looking at slideshows or doing something from a textbook that I didn’t have and we collaboratively decided to ask my teachers if I could do the learning at home and just come in for exams and such. They all agreed with great relief, and promised profusely to send me what they are doing in class and the topics of the assignments and dates of the exams, but then I had to send them countless emails asking for that and that was rather yucky and resulted in a couple situations where I knew just last minute that I had an exam coming up or wrote an assignment a day before the due date. I hated that and it annoyed me like shit but overall when I stopped having to go to school every weekend life became a bit easier practically, and even more so for my Mum.

So that’s it, my experience with school, quite eventful, but mostly miserable, and made me feel really spiteful towards the whole education system, so that if someone wants to rant about it, I am always open and happy to chime in, just for the sake of it. Though Mum claims I am intoxicating Zofijka with my spite when doing it with her. I’m not sure I even care, is that awful of me? Zofijka mostly thinks what I do anyway, and comes with her school troubles to me a lot of the time, and I have to get my shit out somewhere finally too.

How much did you hate school? 🙂

Question of the day (1st April).

What’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My answer:

Hm, there were lots of very nice things that people have done for me… I don’t know whether nice is an appropriate word for that, it sounds a bit like an understatement, but one particular thing comes to my mind right now. When I left the school for the blind at the age of 17 which was quite a sudden thing, I was sure that I’m not going there again, but since I was still a minor I had to go to school somewhere, which was hard not only because of my blindness and lack of preparation of mainstream teachers for teaching blind students here, but also because of my additional difficulties, at that time especially emotional which were quite significant, so, honestly, there weren’t many other options, if any, and it looked like I’d have to either come back there anyway or take a risk and just wait until I’ll be 18 when I won’t have to go to school anymore. Because of my awful depression at that time and my brain being a mess, as well as that would be just practically easier for everyone, I got an opinion from the psychiatrist that I need individual education at least for the time being until I’ll be doing some higher education. But yeah my Mum and me had a real trouble finding an actual school that would be willing to accept me and that would be doable for me. After weeks of fruitless looking around and research my Mum went to some meeting for parents in my brother’s school, and after that, completely out of the blue, my brother’s class teacher asked Mum how is her eldest daughter doing. Maybe it wouldn’t be that strange but actually Mum could have sworn that she had never told him anything about me or even my existence, quite unlikely that Olek would do it, so it felt a bit like paranormal. 😀 So Mum told him everything about my situation, and he was the sort of guy who was full of enthusiasm, to the point that he was slightly naive, and when Mum told him everything he dragged her to the headmaster’s office and told her that he’ll certainly agree for me to go to their school as well, especially that, if not my blindness, that would be my sort of default school because it’s nearest in the area so would I choose them they’d have a duty to approve me. And, indeed, with a lot of help from Olek’s teacher (who ended up being my teacher too because although I’mtwo years older than him, I was two years behind with school stuff) and willingness from the headmaster, who unfortunately got fired before I even started going there because of some nasty drama or intrigue or whatever that was going on there and in which he got unfortunately involved in, I started going to Olek’s school. I was in the same class as him although I had individual education just twice a week so only interacted with his class occasionally. I was lucky because despite a rather low educational level and complete lack of knowledge about people with disabilities in that school, my previous school’s educational level was high, and the year when I changed schools was the year when I had exams before choosing further education, so it was a lot of rush, but I had a lot of knowledge from previous years so it went very smoothly, especially that I was doing much better in individual education than I earlier did in class and finished the year with great results, better than ever before. And despite those exams being ahead of me I completely didn’t feel any pressure or even much stress, I was just very laid back and didn’t have to care too much. Because of individual education, I had a more sort of personal contact with teachers, they knew me well and I knew them, one teacher was fascinated by my fascination with Vreeswijk so in the last months of school when we had practically all the syllabus done I read my translations of his poems to her. As I said, people didn’t have the slightest idea about blindness and possibilities that blind people might have, so I experienced some rather condescending attitudes from them and I could see that they were absolutely gobsmacked that I could even write, and the same teacher who would a few months later be delighted with my Vreeswijk’s translations, was close to passing out at my first day of school when she learnt that she’ll be teaching a blind student, while the art teacher gave me an A just because I knew who Leonardo DaVinci was (while my brother who did a whole presentation as it was required of the rest only got an equivalent of a C), but because other than that they were nice to me, and because I was and still am incredibly grateful to them, I could distance myself from it and not take it personally or something. I think in my whole education it was the happiest year for me in many regards, and I regretted that I didn’t know it could be like that some two years before I changed schools, so I could go there earlier. Though I’m glad I didn’t go only there, because if I did, I would probably not learn much of neither academical knowledge (Olek’s classmates didn’t know in which country Finnish is spoken 😱 ), nor any other skills, so I guess all experiences we have are for a reason. I really don’t know though where I could be now if not that Olek’s teacher, I’m not sure I would even like to know as that certainly wouldn’t be the nicest place unless some other miracle would happen. He was an utterly weird guy, the kind that people always make fun of, and they did, like all the time, but at the same time he really cared about people. So yeah, that would be probably the nicest thing.

How about you? 🙂

Question of the day (25th March).

If you could disinvent one thing, what would it be?

My answer:

School. I’d disinvent it, and then invent it again so that it would have a completely different structure and would stop being brainwashing, as well as, among other things, it would also be optional for parents to send their children to school, home/flexi schooling would be highly encouraged, school would be more of an alternative for those children whose parents can’t or really don’t want to homeschool them, or to gain some additional skills that parents can teach their children but would like them to know, like some stuff that is of a special interest for the child or that they would like to base their career on in future. Schools would also be more of a place where the children could meet and play so that people wouldn’t complain that they don’t grow up together with their peers, and parents would be taught there on how to homeschool their children and just learn about parenting. But in fact I’d rather have someone else do that than do it myself, I don’t fancy dealing with this rotten system. 😀

How about you? 🙂

Feeling better.

Yes. I am still depressed and sick of many things, but definitely not as overloaded with feelings and triggered as yesterday. I feel like I owe you some clarification of what exactly happened, so I’ll try to do my best, I hope it’ll also help me to see things even more clear, it may be a little lengthy though and I need to warn you I am talking a bit about suicide ideations later on.

Basically my Mum was really pressuring that I should rewrite the math exam, and that was how all the stuff has started for me. I feel like before I go into details, I should clarify that generally my Mum isn’t one of those poor parents who want their kids to meet their expectations and be perfect, absolutely not, that would be unfair to say she’s like this. I guess it was just hard for her to understand some things, and accept what happened. As I wrote you yesterday she knew before we got the results that I’m not gonna do it, that because of my always very shitty math results I’m only gonna take it once and think of it as a sort of try, not take it too seriously, like something of great life importance, as most people do. If it goes well, then brilliant. I’ll be happy, but if not, I’ll just let it go, because then I’ll know it’s just not for me. People say your finals are important to your further education/career in a way, and that’s true, but not for me. The things I really can picture myself doing in life, as a job, that I know I’d be happy doing, and that would be doable for me, knowing my physical and emotional limitations, would be something to do with languages or writing, most likely at home/online. I honestly can’t picture myself going to a traditional uni at the stage I am now, because I wouldn’t be able to commute on my own, I’d have to have someone driving me back and forth, my anxiety in big groups of people can be very intense and can make my functioning pretty shitty. This was also a partial reason why I finally chose to self-teach at home at my last school, the one I’ve graduated from in May. Also I just have no idea what could or should I study. I already speak a few languages and plan to learn more, but I can do it without going to any sort of school just fine, or even better, no one has to adjust to me and I don’t have to adjust to any class, just can learn what I want, when I want, at my own pace, which, honestly, I think is faster than people have on traditional courses, and my vocabulary is more extensive. I could study linguistics, or translation studies, but if I know a language, I can be a translator without them. Sure it’s better to have a paper attesting your knowledge, but nothing can proove it better than just myself, if, let’s say, I’d translate a book, and it’ll be written in a good language and well overall, who will have the right to tell me I can’t make it because I don’t have some shitty piece of paper? That’s what my Swedish teacher told me, and honestly I didn’t look at it before this way, but as he said it, my mind somehow opened wider and I realised that it’s really true, and I should be happy that I have some gift for languages, or at least that it’s something I really like doing, instead of overthinking on all the things I can’t or don’t want to do but feel like I should. I really liked his unconventional and fresh way of looking at everything. As you know I also thought about doing Celtic studies online (or linguistics or translation studies online), but it would be more as a hobby then really.

Back to my Mum. I think she was shocked by that news that I failed maths. I think that was what caused her reaction. She is a big optimist and tries to be always looking forward for the best, no matter what and what the chances are. I was this way too as a kid, but luckily for me, I am no longer so, and it’s much easier. It’s not that I always see things black, or catastrophise (although yes, very often), it’s more like my pessimism is defensive. Like I try to be prepared for the worst and then if the best happens, I can be really happy. But my Mum clung to her hopes and good wishes and I think it struck her a bit. She just couldn’t get it that I am not going to rewrite it. We were both very insistent, we had a quarrel about it. She was saying that it won’t make me any harm if I’ll take it once again, if I did it the last time just to try then I can try this time again, that I’ll be surely less stressed because I’ve already been through that, that I should be more courageous… I could understand her perfectly, but it couldn’t change my mind. I felt like she doesn’t understand my position in this at all. Yes, I could rewrite it. Let’s assume that indeed it would be less stressful for me because of familiarity of the situation, that all the other stuff would be OK. But I just can’t believe that after all those years I’ve been learning that stupid math, and got only 16% on the exam, I would be able to suddenly rewrite it with the score of minimum 30% after two months of learning. I don’t even have the motivation, for the reasons I wrote about before. And no, it’s not true I wouldn’t be stressed. i would be even more, whatever it says about my resilience, I know it’s shitty. ‘Cause what if I fail again? Would they want me to rewrite it again, just to try, ’cause who knows, maybe this time I’ll succeed? I can imagine my mat tutor. She’s a very nice person, but she had hell with me, and vice versa. I haven’t talked with her since before the finals but I suppose she’s very disappointed with me, with all the efforts she’s put in me. Do I want to go through it again, and disappoint her again? Not because she’s particularly important to me but you generally don’t like to disappoint people if they do their best to help you, right? The last thing I want to do this year is see her again every week, discuss why I failed, learn all the stuff again, with both of us greatly discouraged and stressed. I still remember all those hours we spent together during weeks directly before the finals. She finally decided that she can’t help me with the tasks as much as she did before and guide me through everything, say if I do things right or wrong, because there will be no one with me on the exam who will help me and I will have to do things on my own obviously. So she gave me a task, and I had to do it on my own. She just sat there in silence, not giving me any hints or anything. I was telling her everything I did, or actually didn’t do, just trying to do it different way and sooner or later discovering it’s wrong or that I don’t know how to wriggle out of where I was and what to do next. Guys, we had 2 HOURS together! I was sitting with it for an hour, and didn’t do practically nothing. It was nerve wracking for me although I kept smiling and laughing at myself and tried to seem to have a light attitude to things, but I just wanted to cry and fall into pieces. Honestly the only thing that I think helped me to not fall apart and give up completely was Misha, who was sitting next to me consistently like never before, as if he knew I need him desperately. And my poor tutor could barely stand it, I mean the situation, not Misha, I just could sense how frustrated she is and how her patience is coming to an end. Finally she gave up and told me how I should do it. And then there were many similar situations when we tried to do the same, with pretty similar endings, sometimes I was able to do something, more or less, but always was finally stuck somewhere for good until she enlightened me. After that lesson I actually laughed, not cried, because of an outsider’s perspective it surely could be very funny to observe us, but it felt scary and enormously stressing and I don’t want to (and don’t see any sense in it) go through this anymore. Of course I didn’t tell Mum about it, she has no full idea of how much of a nightmare our lessons were, my tutor was telling her often that I am not doing well or something, but since I am adult there was no reason to update her on everything as she always does with Zofijka.

Besides, MS. Smelly Maggie – the headmistress of that school for the blind where I took the finals! That’s I guess my main stressor. If you are new to my blog and don’t know anything about MS. Maggie, I’ve written a lot about her in May, but basically she was a nightmare, I can honestly say that in my whole life I hadn’t met a more jerky and intentionally rude person, I had a nasty encounter with her after one of the exams and it has taken me weeks to clear the mess she made in my brain. I don’t want to see the bitch anymore. I know she wished me that I’d fail it. She told me she “really hopes for the best for me” with such a tone that wouldn’t leave you with any doubts, but that if I won’t get the 30%, I should go to their school, do something else there meanwhile, and then I can rewrite it next year. When my Mum joined that discussion and tried to intervene when I was already too fucked up to say anything constructive, she said she knows I have already got over my boarding school trauma if I had any and I can go to theirs with no problem, the problem is just with me, and with my Mum who “imagines things that aren’t real about me”. Someone who said such things among others to us despite not knowing neither of us for more than 10 minutes. What could I expect her to say next time I see her? Other than that, she already knows about my “unfortunate accident” and called my Mum to say she is “looking forward” to see me in August and was very surprised when Mum told her about my decision and told her I have the time to 6 July to change my decision.

But I didn’t tell Mum about my concerns and how stressful it would be for me. I just kept telling her that I’ve already made my decision months ago and now I’m not gonna change my mind. I told her I don’t see any point in doing it because having my finals completed and passed and getting certifficate won’t change anything for me. Mum kept saying that I don’t know, that I don’t know what waits for me in the future, that I may regret it later on.

That’s true. I may. I now don’t think I will, but who knows. I understand her concerns and that she is worried about me. But if I’ll really find something – some studies I want to take, or a job that requires higher education and that would be particularly suitable for me – after five years, why can’t I write it all again then? I’ll be much more motivated, and even if it’d happen after 5 years, after which you’d have to pass all the exams again to get the certifficate, you have 5 years for a rewrites, so if it would happen after 5 years, I can happily write everything all over again. I’d do it much happier than I’d do now, I’d have some deeper purpose to it.

Mum says that until that time I’d already forget everything, that I’d have to learn again.

I’m sure not. I have a lot of knowledge about Polish literature from school and not only from school, and I don’t think I could forget it that easily. I’d just have to repeat some things. Same with English, well better actually. And as for Maths, I already don’t know anything. SO what’s the difference? Maybe only slight difference is that if I’d have a purpose, I could do better at maths and maybe get to that 30%. Although it’s hard for me to imagine it.

It’s generally hard for me to imagine a situation where I find some very good job or studies that are just for me and that I could do and be successful at, but maybe it’s my AVPD speaking and I shouldn’t let it.

And you know what’s another thing? When someone forces me to do something, pressures on me, doesn’t listen to my arguments or tries to prove for all means they’re wrong and I should do what they say, it… it just scares the shit out of me… You know, I’ve had tons of nightmares throughout my life, one just last night, evolving around that motive – someone forces me to do something, and I can’t, I don’t want, it’s scary like shit what they want from me, but I for some reason can’t persuade them I can’t do it, or can’t refuse at all. I’ve had such situations happening to me in boarding school, I don’t want to go into details right now. But it all just triggers me. I only want to scream and shout and cry and feel like having a massive meltdown and I can’t cope with it, I can’t form sensible arguments, I feel attacked and overwhelmed, and… I just can’t manage it. Even little things evolving around someone being very insistent make me feel quite upset and uncomfortable easily. Like when I was a teen even little suggestions expressed with some more pressing tone, could make me feel upset and irritated. Now I cope better with little things – my Dad is a kind of guy who likes to persuade things to people and make them think how he thinks so I just had to get used to the little things – but I am still not perfectly at ease with them and things on such a large scale like that fuss with the exams was way more than I could stand not getting all unsettled. Honestly I can’t remember any such intensive arguement that I could have with anyone over the past few years, I despise all the yelling and raging at each other without any deeper sense to it, I don’t think it can lead anywhere, but… it just happened, faster than I could think, and we started to shout and were both fumin’. My Mum isn’t the kind of person who often would impose something on you, but I felt very hemmed and very very triggered. So that I actually felt lots of separate feelings, like sort of disintegration as I wrote yesterday, which I sometimes do experience and which is always so very bizarre.

And so as that talk or argue progressed I felt more hopeless and overflowed with feelings, finally Mum left and it looked like she gave up.

Lots of my family members have texted or called either me or Mum to ask how I did and they all were so pitiful… As if someone had died and they expressed their condolence. It felt ridiculous and annoying and I had a hard time to stand it. And they also were so insistent – “but why won’t you try again?”. At some point it was just a miracle I didn’t snap out at poor people, I guess they asked with the good intentions, but I just couldn’t stand it. Particularly my catastrophising gramma was making me enraged.

At some point my grandad came with eggs – he sells eggs and to us as well when we need – and although I was in my room and was locked and didn’t want to see anyone, I could hear them talking about me and my Mum being very upset, and I guess even crying. I had to let Misha out because he meowed so I heard some bits of their talk. Then I heard that someone was walking upstairs to me and I guess knocking on the door –
I’m not sure because as soon as I’ve heard someone approaching I’ve set my darkest Finnish metal playlist on the full volume on the headphones to not hear anyone talking anymore about the fricken exams. I thought it was my Mum, but it was my grandad, as it turned out later on.

I’ve heard from Mum then when he left that he thinks the same as I do. It felt so good that at least someone understands, or tries to understand me, and thinks the same. I was afraid he won’t, he’s such an intellectual generally. My grandad has always stood by my side, literally, no matter what, and I was seriously afraid it might not be so this time. But then I thought that he’s absolutely not objective. He would support me and stand by me I guess even if I killed a man in the most brutal way you can imagine. I can imagine him saying that it wasn’t what I really wanted to do or that he still believes in me and that sure if I did it, I had a solid reason. That’s my grandad. Like if any of you have read “Emily Of New Moon”, he’s just like her cousin Jim in this regard hahaha he always makes me think about him, I mean Jim about my grandad. I was his first granddaughter and my disability and being away from home for years have I guess made him even more dedicated and attached to me and favouring me over his other grandchildren.

and when I realised he’s not objective, I started to panic even more.

Maybe Mum is right? Maybe they all are right? They probably are. There are more of them, and they can think rationally about it, while I can’t? What if I will really regret it? Do they all feel disappointed with me? Maybe I should change my mind? Is it about me being not resilient enough? Not courageous enough? Squeamish? Would other people in the same situation do it? Maybe I should just try more and be more serious about this whole thing? Maybe I’m too lazy? Faking AVPD to have an excuse? Maybe Maggie is right in all she said to me? She culdn’t say it without a reason, could she? Should I make such a big deal out of it?

Just this sort of questions and much more self defeating and self loathing thoughts circulated and exploded and overloaded my brain.

I realised that what I would like the most would be if someone could look at the situation really objectively. Understanding and knowing my perspective, and knowing the objective exam situation. I didn’t want people to tell me that I should rewrite it just because people always do so when they fail an important and deciding exam, I also didn’t want people to behave like my grandad and tell me what I wanted to hear if it’s not what’s true and objective. But I doubt anyone can tell me what I should do objectively and basing on my own situation. Is there any objectivity actually? I am just curious what would other people do in my place.

So yeah yesterday was incredibly rough. My feeling triggered and depressed has spread much wider and it stopped being just about exams and my future. I just felt like a piece of shit overall and everything was scary and hopeless and… well, it was just horrid. I was actually feeling suicidal, because I felt so conflicted because of this situation and so overloaded because of the argue with Mum, I just didn’t see any way out. It was actually the first time since a very long time that I was really pretty suicidal and had a lot of suicidal ideations. I feel horrified when I think about it now because at one moment I was so close to do something just in an impulse. I was going to sleep with Misha, and wanted to take my sleeping pill, because I was just all shaky and stuff. I took her, and I just had one short moment when I thought I’d take all of the meds I had in my room. It wasn’t much. I had some sleeping pills, anxiolitics and pain killers and allergy pills, but it wasn’t a lot of it in total. And that was what saved me. Because as I thought about it, my emetophobia came to the surface and told me that if I take this, I’d rather end up in the hospital on the detox than dead. And And it was then I fully realised what I just wanted to do. WHat a shit. It feels very scary now, I haven’t done such things for ages, and surely not so impulsively. It feels like a huge regress. Should I be thankful to my fucking emetophobia?

Today, I can see things a little bit more clearly, and I’m not feeling as much different shitty things at once.

I think my Mum’s outlook on things is different now.

I actually had a little talk with her about it today too, a bit calmer. It was incredibly hard for me, because I had to open up to her a bit about how I feel about that shit, I mean why I feel like rewriting that exam is pointless. I had to reveal to her a bit more of my AVPD self who usually stays locked inside of me away from normal people and so that I can pretend better or worse that I am normal or more normal than I am. Then I also told her that yes, it does, and certainly will, feel weird to me, to know several languages, be, say, a translator, maybe translate Vreeswijk, which would be like a HUUUGE THING and not have any higher education. But it’s nothing major I think. It will give me a harder kick in the ass and motivate me to actually try to be better than all the linguists that have the honour to be well educated and have lots of letters after their surnames. And she actually agreed with me and she told me we can stop talking about it and end the topic if I want and that she won’t urge me.

Of course, it doesn’t look exactly that very lovely as I said Mum and I am still, as always, very full of doubts as for my future, will I really manage to be a translator? Can I actually do anything else than that pseudo job at my Dad’s? But if other people, particularly my Mum, will stop analysing that bloody exam, if I’ll try hard, I hope I’ll manage. Life will always feel scary for me, no matter what, but this way much less.

Still though, I wonder, maybe I should rewrite it? Maybe it’s like giving up? Maybe I should just grit my teeth and go through it, and maybe I’d pass it and then have more possibilities in life? Maybe I’m selfish in some way not wanting to do what they suggest me?

I have a question for you guys. If you decide to answer it for me, please, be honest, whatever your thoughts are. I won’t be resentful or anything, I want to know what other people think.

My question is – if you can imagine my situation, as I wrote about it and as you know it and me from my previous posts – and if you were in the same situation, what would you do? Would you strive to improve your results and have more chances for future, and not disappoint people that are close to you? Would you want to challenge yourself more and see the point in it? Or would you do as I hope to do and focus on your good sides, not dive into that very anxiety provoking thing again?

I’m not asking you that question in search for advice. You won’t be responsible for what I’ll do, I won’t change my decision most likely, they need to have people signed up for rewrites until Friday and that’s way too little time for my introverted and overanalysing brain which is very sluggish recently. I just simply want to know what other people’s attitudes would be, I don’t know, maybe something will inspire me. 😀 I suppose it’s crazy to ask people about such things as it may be a little abstractive for others, I guess, but if you have any thoughts on this, please share.

It’s interesting how I feel even better now after writing it all, looks like it makes a difference whether you’re writing in a diary or blogging? I feel much lighter now if I’m honest.

Question of the day.

Say you were in high school again and you had excellent grades, test scores, etc. and were guaranteed a full ride at whatever university/college you applied to, what are five schools (more if you want) you’d want to attend?

My answer:

A veery difficult question for me. I have lots of passions as everyone of you know, but not all are as big that I would like to study them and work with them, or even if I’d like to, it may not be possible for other reasons, like because of my disability/other issues, or because it’s simply too niche, or because there aren’t any universities that teach it in my area. Given that I’ve spent most of my life hundreds of kilometres from home and not much good has come out of it looking at it overall, as well as thinking about my social and mobility difficulties, there aren’t much choices left, no matter whether I were the best or the worst in high school. Also, if I apply to this uni and were guaranteed a full ride at there, would it also mean that they would adapt to me and my issues, like the resources or lectures? Or would I have to fight for this through the whole education process on my own or just keep quiet and be glad that I can study there? If I chose an online university/college, would it also count for them?

That all being said, I don’t think I am able to choose five universities.

The one I would like to attend and still hope I willl be able to next year is University of Wales Trinity Saint David where you can study Celtic Studies online. I’ve heard about it years ago and the studies seem to suit me very well. I only hope they will be so nice to send me resources by email – you can either use them online in their learning environment or something like this, which is created in Moodle, or they can send you the resources in mail. I’ve heard a lot of negative feedback about Moodle and that it doesn’t work the best with screenreaders so I’d be really happy if they agreed to adjust it for me and send the resources for me via email, I can’t imagine my Mum reading them for me in English, or Welsh. 😀

Another one I can thnk of is our local Gdańsk University which is technically adjusted pretty well to the disabled students and is not very far away, so ultimately I could think about going there and studying Scandinavian Studies, but because what fascinates me about Scandinavian studies is the Swedish language, which I already can speak, I don’t think I’d be really glad with that decision. I actually thought about going there and studying these studies when I was more optimistic and idealistic about my future but my Swedish teacher just laughed at me and told me it’d be a waste of time in my case in his opinion, because by the time I’ll go to uni I’ll speak fluent Swedish and they won’t teach me much more of the language, the rest of the subjects would be completely irrelevant for me. After looking it through I agreed with him. After all he studied there too and was a lecturer for a while. SO if I’d go there, it would be just to get any further education and just do whatever, not because I really need it or want it, but because you should study something. And I know i’d be very frustrated, plus I don’t think I’m in the right place emotionally to do it. My Swedish still isn’t fluent, but it is very good and I can communicate, so knowing that they don’t go very in-depth in the language, I don’t think it would become better there. And even if I won’t be able to make any professional use of my Swedish, I definitely don’t want it to stop at this stage I’m now, I want to progress with it and I just feel I’d do better with it doing it my, a bit out of the box way, than memorising ready-made formulas and patterns, doing grammar exercises or having language tests every month.

And that would be all I could think about right now, that is in my rich and something I would like and could do.

What would you choose? 🙂

Question of the day.

If your school separated you by reading groups which level were you at?

My answer:

Neither of my schools did that, or anyway it wasn’t something casual. But in school for the blind where I was for most of my education we often had reading contests – class, school or interschool, in the Central Library, and I kinda liked to participate in them and pretty often was winning some leading places. Also, I don’t know how it is in other schools around the world, but we usually had so, that if we were reading in class, usually the teacher picked a person to read a bit, then another to read another bit and so on, and the rest just followed the text. Because I read quite well, teachers often picked me, just to have it done a bit more efficiently than most of other students would do it and not waste too much time. And I know many of my classmates were annoyed by me, because I usually read pretty quickly and they were lost easily. 😀 Also later on I had a very lazy Polish language teacher who used to take an advantage of the students whom she perceived “more bright” and so she often wanted me to read stuff to a classmate who was dyslexic. So I guess that all says I was pretty good at it.

How was it in your case? Also, do you think separating students by their level of skills is actually good? Are you one of those who think it makes children less self-confident, or do you think it helps children on a higher level to develop quicker, while also helping children on a lower level to go up, but in their own pace and with the support adequate to their needs?