Misha: Zofijka’s got an idea.

Hhrrru? :3
How are you pets and peeps doing? Have you had anything very yummy to eat this week? Some great adventures? Let me know!
I wanted to write about an idea that Zofijka had recently and ask if you like it.
So, you know that I have a brain connection with Mila? Like, I can connect my brain to hers and then I can type (she doesn’t let me to type on her keyboard Mishself because I once blocked it hehehe) and do all sorts of things that humans do via her, sort of remotely, especially when we are with Zofijka. Mila often tells me what I should tell Zofijka because Zofijka listens to me more than to her and she likes to ask me about things or tell me what she was doing at school – lots of boring things but people usually bore me to death with their lives so I’ve kinda gotten used to it and can even pretend I’m incredibly intrigued and at the same time think what I’ll have for supper. – I can also connect to Zofijka but she doesn’t like it so I only do that when I want to do some artsy things like drawing, but she hardly ever lets me anyway. – When I’m connected to someone, I have the access to their brain world and we can exchange information and it’s very fun but a bit complicated, I don’t think any other pets even use such innovative technology. I usually talk to Zofijka in the evenings when she’s in bed and when she’s going to sleep either me or Mila tell her a story. Mila tells her about Jim – that dude in Australia that I think she has written about, who doesn’t need to eat and lives on helping everyone in the world – and I tell her very short stories about what my life would be like if I was a human. Every day I tell her about one day in my life, one per year. I always start it “I am Misha I am… years old” and I tell her about one day in each year of my fictional human life.
And earlier this week, when I was telling her about my life at 14, she suddenly interrupted me and said “Actually, Misha, why wouldn’t you write about that on your blog? Ask Mila, maybe she will let you”. And I was so excited, yay, that’s a great idea!
So, tell me, pets and peeps, would you like to hear about my human life? Let me know, and Mila says we could start a Friday series on that. It’ll be completely spontaneous, not exactly how I would love to live had I been born human, but just what comes to my mind, good and bad things. But Zofijka says she doesn’t want me to write about when I was very little, until 5, because she wants that to be just for her, so I’ll start from when I was six, it’ll be a little bit like diary entries, or something similar.
All the pets out there, what would you like to do with your lives if you were humans? Mishpurrs. :3
Misha

Song of the day (23rd January) – Child Of Mind – “Take A Look At My Diary”.

I thought I’d like to share with you one of Declan Galbraith’s songs. Declan Galbraith has been one of my earlier crushes, and my crush on him started on 21 January some years ago, I don’t even remember exactly which year. Since Declan, I’ve already had two crushes, but I still like him a lot. So far I have showed you only 2 songs by himΒ  one

“Strange World”

comes from his demo, and the other –

“Walking In The Air”

comes from his debut album – “Declan” – released in 2002 when Declan was 10 years old. Now he’s 27, and since 2017 I believe, uses the name Child Of Mind. He’s also working on an artistic project of the same name. He has released one EP so far, and it’s really intriguing. From a child who was mainly covering popular songs, he has come a long way, and developed tremendously! I find his lyrics particularly interesting. And the song I’m going to show you here – “Take A Look At My Diary – is the one that speaks to me the most, and is the most relatable for me. I think though that many other people with mental illnesses, but also other similar issues I guess, can probably relate to it easily. I am curious what has inspired him to write this song, as it is very true.

After an appt with the PD therapist.

So yesterday morning I saw this therapist specialising in personality disorders about whom I wrote recently that she will talk to me and see if I indeed have or might have avoidant personality disorder and also that we’ll talk about my dysthymia which still isn’t diagnosed but the two years that are needed have passed and not much has changed. My therapist wanted me to be evaluated by someone from the outside, pplus someone who’d be more qualified as for personality disorders, so she was the best choice in our area. Before my appointment both therapists talked about me, my background and stuff like that.

I was very very anxious about this appointment and I felt lots of contrary emotions about it and what may come out of it. But it went really well. We talked about my experiences in different kinds of interpersonal relationships, my self-esteem, how I am very often suspicious towards people and their motives and almost always look for some hidden meaning behind their words or actions and my feelings of inadequacy, or, how my friend used to call it but not in the context of my issues “alien syndrome” which name I really like. πŸ˜€ Basically we discussed everything in one’s personality that may be affected by AVPD. We talked through all the WHO criteria, I also told her about very various kinds of anxiety I have and my experiences from the boarding school. She asked me how I came to the conclusion I might have AVPD so I just told her how it started and how I felt like I resonate with it so much and how it was both scary and relieving for me, scary because it’s often somehow scary when you name your problem for the first time, plus I’d never expect I might have personality disorder and it just was so sudden, but relieving because I realised that if it’s really my issue, I’m not alone with it, there is a name for it so other people are struggling too and I felt more valid. It was a bit overwhelming and weird to feel both these contrary emotions so intensely at the same time, but I think I got used to it with time and now i’m not so scared. I told her that actually before I started to read about AVPD, I didn’t realise that the fear of being rejected might be why I’m so anxious, I still think there might be something more to it, but yeah, I guess I was always scared of being rejected, but never fully realised it, as I didn’t really want to realise it consciously cause it would make my self-image even worse in some way. I don’t know if it makes sense for other people, but, that’s kind of how I’ve felt about it… Then we talked about my emotions, how I’ve started to suppress them very early on and still can’t fully unlearn it and expressing what I feel is still so challenging and stressing out for me. Most often I don’t have issues with positive emotions now, in fact if I happen to feel lots of positive emotions I would most willingly like all the world to know about them and why I feel them and share it with me, but expressing my negative emotions still feels kind of like either baring myself or self-pity. And what she told me was almost exactly what I’ve thought about this whole AVPD thing. Some of the traits are milder, some are more severe, but overall I fit in the criteria and she told me she’s almost sure I have it, but she’d refer me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation and getting an official diagnosis. She honestly told me it’s too complex for just being social anxiety as the reasons why I avoid social situations are multiple, which I know, and she also checked whether and to which degree I might have schizoid or paranoid pd traits, but only some single ones fit me. We talked also about my dysthymia and she said it seems to be extremely common in people with avoidant personality disorder that they have dysthymia and/or generalised anxiety. I talked to her about how I’ve actually always been more or less depressive, although apart from some harder days I am able to hide it very well from people and many years have passed since I’ve been really suicidal, although I couldn’t say I’m not suicidal at all, I have some ideations somewhere in the background, I’d say. We talked about my sleep being pretty irregular for most of my life and I told her that I think my thyroid issues also may contribute to the low mood, but although my thyroid hormones are more stabilised now than they were in the past, it didn’t make that much of a difference. We had a long chat about dysthymia in general. My Mum was waiting outside of the therapist’s office when we talked but then she asked her to come in and join us. She wanted to have her point of view on the whole thing, on some of my behaviour patterns and stuff, as someone else’s view on things is always helpful and my Mum is with me almost 24/7 even if we’re not constantly together we’re at least in the same house, so obviously she knows me well even despite all those years I lived out of home. Of course after some time my very sensitive Mum started to cry. She always cries when she talks about some painful or just moving things, or even when she says something beautiful, that is how she reacts, although many people feel embarrassed and my Mum does too, but that’s just her nature and how she reacts to things and it doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t stable or anything, in fact I think she’s one of most emotionally stable people I know, just incredibly tearful. πŸ™‚ And she was talking about how she is feeling so much guilty recently that she didn’t see on time what was going on with me back then and that she didn’t change anything. I actually didn’t realise how much of guilt she feels and I felt so sorry for her and actually felt guilty too, for making her guilty. It sounds ridiculous. πŸ˜€ But I really didn’t realise it fully. I told her I don’t blame her at all and that I don’t think there was anything more she could do than she already did. I told her just what I thought. That it’s the easiest way to blame the parents for who you are, for your childhood, for what you didn’t achieve etc. so many people do it. Of course I don’t count in abusive or purposefully neglectful parents. But so many people would like their parents to be perfect and always know what to do. But are there any trainings for how to be a good parent? Do they get this knowledge anywhere? Are they somewhat enlightened after getting a baby? They aren’t and that’s why I don’t like it, putting all the blame for your trouble on your parents. My therapist agreed with me. It just moved me so much how guilty she feels and how I didn’t notice all of her guilt for so long, although I think I know her so well and am so good at “feeling” other people. Then the therapist summarised for my Mum what we talked about without her very briefly. Whenever she was writing something in my notes she was telling me about it and finally she ended up unoficially diagnosing me with dysthymia. Then we also talked for a while about the fact I don’t actually have real therapy as my therapist has too much on her plate and had to cut some of her hours, thus we almost only have phone or email check ins. She was very kind and direct and offered me that if the psychiatrist will refer me to therapy, which will in her opinion most likely happen, she is willing to take over my therapy. I feel like if I have a personality disorder, I need some more appropriate support. I don’t mean I didn’t feel supported by my therapist, she was working with me for many many years and was always there for me if she could, but, you know, sometimes a monthly phone check in isn’t enough, plus knowing how busy she is, I often felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate to email her in between check ins when I struggled so it had to be really almost an emergency or something if I decided to bother her. So I think I’ll start with this new therapist, the more that she herself came out with it. At first as I met her yesterday I had an impression she’s so very blunt and direct it could be hard to get along with her, but I felt very comfortable around her with time and actually now I think it’s her advantage, as she still is very diplomatic. She’s completely different from my therapist Monika, but I think I like her and she seems to be a very attentive listener, which I obviously really appreciate. I still don’t know when I’ll see the psychiatrist, I am sure it’ll take quite a bit of time, but anyway, I now feel more validated and am glad of our appt. My Mum is too.

Today I had quite intensive day. I went for a big shopping with my Mum. I needed to get a few things, mostly Easter presents and some things for myself, from different shops and Mum needed a lot of groceries for us. I must say I rarely go out for such long shopping escapades, it is always quite exhausting and challenging for me, you know, all these crowds and all other shit. I was tempted to just ask my Mum to buy me things I needed when she told me she plans to go buy groceries and tell her what I need, but decided to challenge myself a bit. Plus my Mum had a lot to carry so it definitely wouldn’t be kind of me, would it? So we went together and besides the anxiety which was significant at times, it felt good to have some time together. I bought all I needed and also some snacks for Misha ans we are almost running out of them, so gourmand is he recently. We both were exhausted afterwards, not as much because of the long walk we did, but because of visiting soo many shops, my Mum also isn’t accustomed to such extensive shoppings as she only does them before some bigger holidays like Easter or Christmas. So Mum watched some TV and I went to my room and had some Mishtime which was just so fantastic, Misha was so very cuddly today.

Then I got pissed off by my Polish teacher. Actually she pissed me off already in the morning, but even more when we came back home. For those of you who are new to my blog and don’t know, I formally attend to part time school for adults, something between college and high school I suppose, but practically I am learning on my own, because it is a mainstream school and basically most teachers just treat me like I’m invisible or like they could pick up optic nerve hypoplasia from me. plus they often use things like slideshows on their lessons, so it’s just easier for me to learn on my own, I’ve never had trouble with it, and of course it’s emotionally much much easier. The only occasions I go to school are exams. Me and my Mum just talked about it with the headmaster and with my teachers and they agreed to send me what they’re doing in the class every term as well as the subjects of control assignments and exam terms and the rest is for me to do. I only have Maths lessons with my tutor who is a typhlopedagogist, as Maths is very hard for me and I’m clueless about it and although my Maths teacher at school would be eager to teach me and is really open-minded and communicative, it’s hard as for this particular subject because it differs how you explain things for sighted people and for the blind, and she’s not educated as for how to teach blind people. But now the thing is they are SOOO incredibly busy they don’t even have time to email me. I was sending them emails to remind them about our “agreement”, Mum called the secretary multiple times and even visited the school personally twice. My Maths teacher responded very quickly, then two others responded after much more time, but my Polish and History teacher still didn’t bother to write anything.

And today in the morning I checked my emails and saw that my Polish teacher wrote me an email asking whether it will be possible for me to come for Polish exams this Saturday and if not, we can find some other time. I felt a bit disoriented. OK, I’ll come willingly, but what’s the material for these exams? Does she suppose I’ll just come and pass whatever she’ll ask me without having any information about what this exam includes and what I should be prepared for? So yeah that made me feel very pissed off and stressed and I wrote to her just that, that I am absolutely OK with the time, but first I’d like to know what should I learn as despite my Mum’s and my messages we didn’t get any information from her, so it might be “a little bit hard” for me to prepare in four days to an exam from the whole term. So when we got back home I checked the email again and she wrote that she is “surprised” because straight after she talked with the secretary, she sent me an email with everything. She wrote she’ll check her another email and send it again. I was afraid that maybe indeed she sent it but I just missed it so I checked all the folders with emails I had, but I couldn’t find it anywhere, so I felt rather confused. My Mum says it is just her excuse, but what I’m curious about are her motives? Is it really so hard for her to send me an email? Is she really so busy? Is it something in me that causes people to turn off so desperately? Or has she some early onset Alzheimer or other neurodegenerative disease that makes her forgetful? Striking. I must say I don’t get it at all… Don’t really know what I should do with this now as I still didn’t get any message from her, and I’m afraid that even if I’ll get it tonight or tomorrow, it might be very hard to prepare in such a short period of time. I’m not a perfectionist as it comes to school, I never freak out about marks and they’ve never mattered to me, actually at all, so I’ll be just glad if I’ll pass it, but if I will know hardly anything, it will be so terribly stressful. I feel like doing this to your students is at least disrespectful. Unless it is indeed some unfortunate accident. Oh gosh what a rant, didn’t expect it to go in this direction. πŸ˜€

And in the evening I watched some documentary about Wales with Dad, who was constantly like “Wooow! They have only ruins there, don’t they?” πŸ˜€ and that’s it about my day. Now going to have some Mishtime again. Somehow I have an inkling I won’t sleep very well tonight. I am having so intensive time recently and I feel like I might have migraine soon, hope I’m wrong, but if not, I doubt I’ll get any sleep tonight. HOpe you all had or are having a nice day. πŸ™‚

Currently, March 2018.

Currently is hosted by Anne In Residence

and Foxy’s Domestic Side

. This is my first time participating in Currently.

The prompts are planning, seeing, making, pretending and wearing.

Planning: an appt with a therapist specialising in personality disorders regarding whether or not I may have AVPD. We’ll see what will be next afterwards. As it seems very likely that I do have it, probably will see a psychiatrist to diagnose me then or something. Very, veryΒ  anxious, but equally, or even more, curious about what will come out. Don’t know what to expect really.

Seeing: Nothing, ha! πŸ˜€ At least not literally. Being totally blind since birth, there aren’t many things I could see, although I say I see something almost constantly. Or look at something. Like I think most blind people do, even when they just touch or hear things which sighted people can see. That’s just easier, although shocking for some. And no, I don’t see the dark/black. Just nothing, though I know it’s hard to imagine and different blind people see different things, depending on the cause of their sight loss, apparently. I’ll never forget one of my distant, older aunts’Β  shock when she heard me talking to someone on the phone and saying “See ya”. She was all indignant and like how could you say it, you can’t see! πŸ˜€

Making: progress in my languages. Although not so much in Swedish recently.

Pretending: oh, all the time. I know it may sound horrible, double-dealing and such, but that’s how it is and I don’t do it because of my whim. You know, there are situations you just need to pretend, or there are others when it’s hard to just be yourself.

Wearing – a dress, almost as always.

 

Share Your World – March 12, 2018.

If a distant uncle dies and you were always his favorite and leaves you $50,000 (any currency) in his will, what would you do?
I think I would share with my family and friends, buy another Russian blue cat for Misha, not as much because I want another one but because Misha seems to desperately crave other cat’s company, I would buy myself a house in the rural North Wales and would live there with my Mum. The rest I’d spend for my linguistic development and just for everyday life. That are ideas that came to me instantly.

What sound or sounds do you love?
First of all I am one of those lucky individuals who can experience ASMR so there are SOOOO MANY of such sounds, btw that’s a great idea for a separate post because I’m more than sure I won’t be able to write about all of them right now, they’re just too many. My favourite is the sound of Celtic harp, I generally like string instruments from Celtic harp to bouzouki to medieval lute to electric guitar, and many other instruments not only stringed of course too. I love all the sounds inside of Misha, his purrs, breath, heartbeat, his “Hhrrru?”, his meows, his sneezing, gurgling in his tummy, his steps, how he eats and drinks… I only don’t like the sound of him puking but I’m emetophobic so that’s not a surprise. πŸ˜€ I love the sound of my languages, various accents, particular words, I love the sound of typing, stilettoes, old doors, rain, my musical crushes’ voices, sounds of the kitchen… Just so many sounds of very different kinds.

What’s your middle name? Why?
Anna, after my Mum. My second middle name is Luiza. Actually it’s my confirmation name and people often say confirmation name doesn’t count, but I feel like it does, firstly because it still IS my name in some way, secondly because it’s beautiful so… hm, why not? πŸ˜€ and thirdly because I use it in various situations and in some places online. I’ve loved it all the time even before my confirmation, but I slightly regret that I didn’t choose a name speciffically after a saint, not just because I like it, as it should be for confirmation. But back then I was just so much in love with Luiza and couldn’t see myself with other confirmation name. And I think it fits me. Plus there is servant of God Luisa Piccarreta, amazing figure, so I think about her as my patron. And doesn’t Emilia Anna Luiza flow well? πŸ˜€ Yeah, since I’ve changed my name legally a few years ago, I am really glad of it.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, blogging, progress in my language, my mood’s elevation, relatively low anxiety. I really appreciated the fact I’ve come closer to getting my actual psychiatric diagnosis, although it was also very hard – finding out that I’m AVPD almost for sure, my Mum’s support and help mean a lot to me. I feel like our relationship become somehow closer over last week. We talked through a lot of important things, I opened up to her more than I’ve done recently and she was honest with me as for her feelings. Lots of nice moments with Zofijka as well. And quite good sleep, at least after that one night during which I didn’t sleep at all. I appreciated the support and kind words of my online friends and my pen pals who were supporting me at the beginning of last week when I wasn’t in the best place emotionally. I am glad I’ve done my geography assignment, this is just one o many assignments I need to write for this term, but it’s always something, I’m glad I don’t need to worry about it any longer and can get it out of my head. On Sunday I had a very nice evening with my Mum, we went for a long walk and then had a drink. Ah, and my leg, on which I had an infection or something, a rather chronic thing, has finally healed almost completely, it doesn’t hurt anymore at all, although I know I’ll have a scar from it, ug. But actually I was afraid it’ll linger for for a longer time.Quite a lot, isn’t it?

Thanks to Cee for hosting. πŸ™‚

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/03/12/share-your-world-march-12-2018/

Finally, much closer to getting a diagnosis.

I’ve been trying to write this post for a few days and make as much sense of it as possible, but for some reason I found it rather hard and had a lot going on in a few days, so decided to write it much shorter and all over again.

So as you may remember if you read my post about my last Zombie day, I was significantly depressed for days lately. I mean, my depression is generally bigger than even a few months ago as I am so much concerned about my future, not knowing what to do with it at all and other things get in the way as well, but, you know, you always have ups and downs, and that time surely was a massive down, but now I’m much much more stable luckily. In fact right now I’m doing really well and I can’t recall feeling so well in months. That’s really great. And you may also remember that I’ve been thinking more about my psychiatric diagnosis, which I still don’t have. On the one hand, I’ve been anxious about it and wanted it to stay this way, I was afraid to find out what is wrong with me, so in some way I preferred the fact that I still don’t know for sure. On the other hand though, I felt somewhat inadequate, like if they still can’t find out what it is, I surely have to be too complex, and maybe even am just faking all that, also I wanted to finally get appropriate support, which is much more difficult when you don’t know what’s going on with you. Of course I knew that it’s not a rare thing that people don’t know their diagnoses for much longer, but I think they also have to be really frustrated with it, that’s why I even more understand people struggling with it ’cause I know at least in some way how they feel, no matter whether it is a psychiatric or medical diagnosis. I didn’t think about it much usually, but it always was somewhere in the background of my life, some bothering insecurity about what’s the case with me.

I know I have GAD, I know I’ve had reactive depression, but since its symptoms didn’t fully disappear my therapist, or rather former therapist, as I don’t see her on a regular basis any longer ’cause it’s impossible for her, started to think I may be dysthymic, but to be diagnosed with dysthymia, you need to show the symptoms for two years at least, plus I also have hypothyroidism and it wasn’t stabilised back then, so the psychiatrist who examined me then suspected I may be so down all the time because of it or at least partly because of it, which I also think might be true. The thing is, as long as I can remember I was more or less depressive, but I was in a rather unfavourable environment for most of my childhood, which was the boarding school, so my therapist said it was rather normal, and I think so too. Since I also tend to experience moodswings and go high, (or just noticeably higher) suddenly, sometimes completely for no apparent reason, she also told me she thinks I might be bipolar, not dysthymic. But nothing more speciffic.

And now as this last depressive episode hit me, I started to think more about the thing wit my diagnosis. I am usually very very prone to self-loathing when significantly depressed and that time it felt like I must be very different in a bad sense of this word from other people if there aren’t any criteria I could fit in to. Not because I wanted so much to be labelled, but just because I think it would help me to find some help with my struggles. So yeah it was on my mind a lot of the time recently.

Then when I already felt more functional and a bit less depressive I was reading some Swedish blogs online and came across a blog written by girl with avoidant personality disorder. I was reading it with a lot of interest, firstly because I liked her style of writing and I just found interesting what she was writing about in general, but secondly –
because when she wrote about her disorder, about her feelings, relationships with other people etc. I was just like WOW! it’s so much like me! and as I was reading her posts, at some point I felt a kinda impulse and checked out something more about AVPD. I had a brief idea about it, I am into psychology, medicine and like to go deeply into others’ personalities so there was no way I couldn’t hear about it before, but I didn’t know much. Just much enough to feel this weird impulse and find out to how much I can relate to it and to what people having it struggle with. You know what? I went through WHO and DSM criteria and other basic stuff on all Wikipedias I can understand and I got a massive shock. I know people with AVPD need to fit general PD’s criteria as well, but so far almost everything was like me. Well, various symptoms to various extents, like I think I’m much more assertive now than when I was a kid, but still there are situations when I can’t feel very assertive, or I won’t try to make friends for the sake of having friends, changing my personality, likes, dislikes, way of being for others, just to be accepted by them, unless something in my attitude could be harming for someone of course, but I still do want to have real friendships and be accepted as I am. Basically as I was reading about AVPD, the vast majority of things was basically as if someone was writing about me, no matter if I read an article or a post from someone dealing with it. I felt very shocked and overloaded and didn’t know what to do with this, why did I actually wanted to deepen this topic? Shit.

But when I cooled down a little bit I decided to talk about it to my Mum. It was very hard. Like VERY, VEERY hard. I suck at talking about feelings and all that related stuff, it’s scary! But I tried to do my best and also my Mum was very supportive. I mean she always is, but I wouldn’t think she could be as supportive as she turned out to be in this particular situation. She got it and we both laughed a bit how much it is like me, but also quite like her too, only not to such extend definitely. She accepted it and we had a long long talk about it and everything related, which, although hard, was also very rewarding. I think for both of us. I think I haven’t opened up to her so much for quite a long time until then. I felt so close to her and that felt really good. I feel like this talk, and the one we had next day, on Sunday, changed a lot in our relationship. We were always very close, but now we get each other more, there was just so many incredibly important things we didn’t talk about before, which we didn’t know about each other. After that second long chat we went for a long walk and had a drink afterwards. It feels so good she doesn’t care whether I have this AVPD or not, I was almost sure she’ll be overwhelmed and maybe even make a little drama, as she is so emotional and impulsive, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to explain things to her from my perspective. But she knew them before I even started. It really changes things and now I myself don’t care that much whether I might have AVPD or not, I think if I have it, it’s really good I finally know it. Maybe it will help me to heal from it at least a bit. I realise that probably if not my own inquisitiveness, no one would tell me I may have it. And I’m glad there is a name for what I experience. It means there are other people struggling with almost the same stuff, which in turn means we aren’t alone in struggling, at least that’s how I see it. As for my anxiety in all kinds of social situations, I’ve been always calling it simply “social anxiety”, although I didn’t get an official diagnosis for it, but, for me it seemed obvious. Only that when I talked to people with social anxiety, my anxiety seemed more, hm, general. Like, most of them have it in particular situations – talking to a stranger on the street, speaking in front of an audience, or they’re afraid that something weird and awkward will happen while they’re with other people, while my anxiety is present all the time or almost all the time when I’m socialising. It even happens that I feel anxious talking to my family. Not only my extended family It’s a strange kind of anxiety, hence I’ve always felt kinda different to people with this classic form of social anxiety. In some ways my anxiety is even hard to explain. Actually, before I found out abou t AVPD, I didn’t even fully and consciously realise I’m afraid of rejection and how much I’m afraid of it, only that I’ve read it and then thought it through thoroughly and talked about with my Mum and therapist helped me to get to it.

Another important thing that happened on Saturday, the day I found out more about AVPD was that after talking with Mum, I called my therapist and asked her for her opinion. This was another lengthy and exhausting talk, we discussed plenty of things. She said that as she knows me for more than 5 years, it’s very clear to her how my personality resonates with description of AVPD, we also analysed all the diagnostic criteria and other stuff. So she said she’ll talk about me wit another therapist, who is her friend and who is professionally very interested in all kinds of personality disorders and maybe she will be able to schedule an appt with me just to be able to relate and say her opinion on that and then we’ll see what will come out next. If she will also say I seem to have it, then a psychiatrist will be involved. I also asked her about that dysthymia thing and she said that as two years have passed since that assessment I had and not much has changed as for my mood patterns, I should be tested again and she said she will talk about it to the psychiatrist who examined me back then. I’ve never tracked my mood specifically before, only wrote in my diary about it as about many other things, but I think that even if I didn’t do it, it’s clear enough for me that my depressive mood is very persistent, although with its intensiffication differs. But since that talk with my therapist I decided I will also make a special journal only for tracking my mood. Then on Monday she emailed me and told me that therapist working with personality disorders is willing to see me on Tuesday next week.

So as you see a lot was going on in a very short time and I have a feeling that now things will speed up a lot. I am still a bit shocked, but just because I wouldn’t ever thought I may have AVPD if not that girl’s blog, that’s just so new to me. But since I’m over that big depressive abyss for now, I got much more positive approach to things and I think my Mum’s support helps me a lot right now and her optimism about this whole situation is kind of infectious.

Sorry it is so chaotic and probably not the best stylistically , but hopefully readable. πŸ˜€ Just wanted to update you guys a little bit as my blog is also about my mental difficulties so I thought it’s very important to at least mention about what’s going on in this area of my life right now.

Thanks for reading. πŸ™‚