A bit lousy day.

Yep. It’s not the best definitely. It’s a little better now, but the morning was particularly rubbishy.

The good thing is that I finally slept well, and a lot, and didn’t have any nightmares after a few nights in a row, which’s very cool. But I woke up, and as soon as I did, I started to feel very low, and it seemed to escalate. I lingered in bed, couldn’t just motivate to do anything, which happens to me very often but I am usually able to get over it, I read my book, until I finally gave up and realised that I just can’t function normally today. I just felt so overwhelmingly depressed, I dunno, I guess PMS is getting in the way, don’t know what else could be a reason, other than that my brain just felt like being depressed today. My family had plans to go to my cousins to their new house. I knew I’m not gonna do it with how I felt, plus it’d be just boring, I have completely nothing in common with them, they’re more my parents’ age, and completely not my type of people, I know even my Mum didn’t feel like going, but there were actually my parents that were invited, so I knew they wouldn’t feel offended or disappointed or anything if I didn’t come.

I usually don’t give up for my moods so easily – maybe if I lived without anybody else it would be different, but I live with my family and I know my Mum is always very worried when she sees I’m not doing well mentally, so if I can I try to drag myself out of bed and do things as normally as possible. But today I didn’t have the slightest bit of motivation to anything and felt hopeless and very very blah, so I told Mum I’m having migraine. I felt like she’ll be maybe a bit less worried then. I didn’t even go to the church with them, just the simple thought of being around other people made me feel sick. So I just lied and tried to read and even slept more. Sleep has always been my favourite way of escaping the reality if it’s too shitty. So apart from having a lot of sleep at night, I’ve also had a whole lot of sleep today. I had some very gloomy and dark dreams though. When they were out I was only waking up to fed Misha or let him in or out. I know, very shitty of me to be so very lazy, and so selfish to not play with him even for a while and leave him completely on his own, but my brain just wasn’t cooperating. Finally though I woke up for good and had to face my depression, I felt incredibly emotional and self-hating and lonely, although at the same time I felt like I wouldn’t stand a single, even the most supportive human being around me. There was only Misha, I didn’t have any choice and had to stand him, πŸ˜€ and I was very grateful for him. He’s been actually sticking to me all the time today, which is so very rare for him, and the more appreciated. I couldn’t resist the thought that if there’s anyone really understanding me in this freaky world, it is Misha, hands down. We even had a chat yesterday with Mum about Misha, you know, all that stuff about how fearful he is, recently it’s been a lot on my mind, ’cause, I can understand if it’s his feature, but I’m a bit anxious whether maybe it’s our house environment that has made him this way, or something else we or I have done wrong with him. And then my Mum summed it up and said “I think that’s just how he is – so anxious and avoidant” – and then she laughed and grinned that after all I am his mama, so maybe it’s hereditary – you know, AVPD and stuff. And then I laughed too, because as I thought about it Misha was so so much like me. Wanting, but not wanting to be around people, and if you just took the diagnostic criteria for AVPD and compared Misha to them, I think he could have it hahaha. Oh, sorry, Misha! Apart from his self-esteem, which is obviously as high as it should be expected in a spoiled child. Btw can animals have mental disorders, other than depression? Or maybe it’s just the rule that who keeps company with the wolf will learn to howl? Just laughing.

Anyway, I spent the whole afternoon with Misha, and thanks God for him, he always knows when he’s really really needed. Then I finally managed to shower and realised I haven’t eaten anything today so we both ate, but just a little – Misha because he’s just eaten and me because I shortly after realised that actually I’m not hungry – and then I was going to vegetate in bed for the rest of the day but finally motivated myself to not do it, I felt like I had a little bit more energy.

So my family had come back home and I managed to smalltalk with them even, and help Mum brush Misha. It’s still not OK, but good enough to function among other people.

I felt like some bigger mood dip is coming and I guess it’s finally here, ew… Hope though that I’ll have more enrgy to live and that it goes away soon, otherwise I might have to think about some antidepressants, my life isn’t very dynamic right now but I wouldn’t like it to go this way, it can’t be so when you’re around people and don’t want to seem constantly depressive, I need to have the energy and resources to at least pretend convincingly. I have gotten used to my depressive mood but for other people it’s not normal, and for my close family it’s frustrating.

So that’s all from me today, not very positive, but I wanted to do at least one constructive thing today and writing is what I usually do the best while being low, if anything, I’m totally not in the mood for my languages today, although I’m reading a book in Swedish, but it’s for kids, so not much thinking or figuring out is necessary.

Oh shit! Poland has just lost against Colombia. Shamin guys. 3 to 0 shit. Now my Dad’s gonna be depressed too. I supposed they might lose, though I hoped they won’t this time. My Mum was sure they will lose. I think people here make too much fuss around that Worldcup thing and around ur representation, so the more they’ll feel disappointed now.

Surprise!

So as some of you could notice before from my activity on your blogs, I’m back since a while now. We came back much earlier than we thought we’d do. It was because the weather yesterday was really crappy and rainy, unlike last week, so if we wanted to stay in Bydgoszcz until THursday, with one day completely free of my exams, we’d be bored to death, not being able to do anything other than vegetating in a hotel room or hanging around the rainy streets, which wasn’t something appealing to neither of us, in addition in the morning I happened to sit on the ax, which is how my Dad calls having a period πŸ˜€ so I really didn’t feel the best despite taking two Pyralgines.

I had only three hours of sleep, but it’s always something, although we all were very sleepy. Zofijka decided in the last minute that she wants to go with us. We got to school about nine, and then me and Mum had to wait because another girl was passing the exam. In the meantime we were talking with one of English teachers at that school, who actually made me realise that it was English exam first, not Polish, as I thought. She seemed a little scared when she realised I thought it was otherwise, you know, she thought I was maybe not prepared and stuff, but I was actually relieved, I much prefer having English exam than Polish, I’m a little afraid of the Polish one because I’ve heard multiple times it’s such a lottery, they can actually ask you about anything, including obligatory readings that your class didn’t do, because there are so many of them you can’t do all of them and be prepared for everything. It would maybe be better to have the worse thing first, but anyway, I was glad it was English. As the girl before me came out, it turned out that we were going to the same school for a while, when I was in the integration for two years. My brother Olek was then in the same school as me, and she was in the same class as he. So then the committee called me and I was actually happy I can now demonstrate my skills, I like talking in other languages unless the circumstances aren’t too stressful, and because I had a teacher for a little while at the beginning of this school year who was coming to me to just prepare me to my finals, more technically than linguistically, I knew how this exam will look like and wasn’t anxious at all. I had lots of conversations with my teacher on even a higher level it all was completely manageable. At first there was a little issue though because I didn’t bring my ID. I knew that ID is needed for your finals, but when I was coming on all the previous ones, they didn’t ask for it at all, so I didn’t bring it this time. But luckily there were lots of people who could declare that I am me so then it went smoothly.

At first they always ask you two questions, kinda for a warm up, and in my case they were what qualities I seek in a friend and… surprise, surprise… what foreign languages I’d like to speak. πŸ˜€ So I provided them with a whole list, which as I think, made quite a big impression on them, as I believe did my accent. πŸ˜€ I listen to a lot of British stuff like BBC programmes, so it was easy for me to pick kinda standard British accent. Sometimes I talk in a more Northern way or may try to talk in other British accents in more informal situations. Although I’m sure I still have some kind of Ponglish too, as I’ve never been to any English-speaking country. But on Polish people my English accent always makes an impression. πŸ˜€ So then I drew the set of actual exam questions. At our finals, we always hhave a kinda roleplay to play between a student and an examinator. You get the instructions with a brief description of a situation and things you need to bring up in the conversation. In my case, the situation was that someone stole something from a shop and I witnessed it. And I had to talk about it with a friend, played by a lady from the committee, and tell them what I’m going to do now etc. And then when we did it, she asked me about a sport event in which I’d like to take part, so I told that I would like to take part in another horse riding competition, because it’s been a while since my last one and I miss it a lot. Then she also asked me if I have friends who regularly attend some sport events so I told her I don’t, I only have a brother who is a supporter of Legia-GdaΕ„sk (this is a football team) and is always willing to support them on their matches, even if it involves driving across the country at times. Then she asked me whether I like to actively spend free time. I told her that although I spend most of my free time doing things that don’t involve too much activity and movement, I do like being active, especially if we’re talking about horse riding, and I also go for a walk with my Mum very frequently. Then she asked me whether cinemas are popular and why so I told her that yes, I think they are. Although people can watch movies online and almost everything seems to be available online, I feel like there still are people who like to just go out in the evening, get some popcorn and Pepsi and watch a film in the cinema, that must have some atmosphere for them, I believe. And then she asked me what kind of art is most important, so I said I can only say what’s most important and beautiful for me. I’d say most people would choose visual arts, but for me it would be music, because it is so relatable, so cathartic and international. and the last question she asked me what would I choose, a classical music concert, or a rock music concert in the open air, if I was going for a concert with friends. I said that although I appreciate and like classical music, I’d rather choose the latter because I feel like many people don’t understand and don’t like classical music, rock is much more accessible and relatable, I know people who just fall asleep listening to classical music, so just the latter would be a safer option, plus I too like rock in general slightly more than classical music.

The whole exam lasted for not longer than 12 minutes and I was really glad of myself. TO be honest, I didn’t think there was anything in it that I said or did wrong, and because I am able to think in English nowadays, I felt very confident in speaking. That’s so weird, but at times I even feel like talking to people in other languages is much easier and less anxiety-provoking than in Polish, and I feel a bit more extroverted and less self-conscious while talking in English. I would be hugely disappointed and even more surprised if I got any less than 85% for it.

So I came out and then we had even more waiting. We had to wait until a few more people will take the exam and the break will start, because then they will reveal the results. Unlike with written exams, with oral ones you get results much quicker since they aren’t sent anywhere, just the committee who asks you rates your skills. All that waiting, which lasted for a few hours, was so damn boring.

But finally the break started and all of us who have taken the exam so far were coming into the room again to hear our results. This time, besides of the committee, there was also headmistress and her assistant in. I always feel kinda unsafe at that school, as if something terrible was about to happen, but I feel twice as unsafe around the headmistress because of that awful situation that happened to me after the first exam. I was seeing her then every time before and after writing an exam because of all the procedures and although nothing like that ever happened again, she was still very critical and clearly jerky to me, unless it’s her everyday attitude. And even if she isn’t talking to me, I feel awful around her, even simply her voice sounds so dry and unpleasant so that you feel some kind of antipathy from the beginning. And omg honestly, if I was her, I would seriously think about taking something for halitosis, but I am not as jerky as she is and I’ll be nice and won’t give her advices she doesn’t ask for. But well, I’m glad I’m not from that school and hopefully soon will be able to forget about her for good.

Anyway, I came in and she said:

– So you can get 30 points max, and how do you think, how many did you get? –

– Hard to say, but I think quite a few. –

– And maybe some more speciffic numbers? –

– Hm, something like 25? –

– 25, you say… so, with a great regret, er… sorry, with a great pleasure, I have to say you’ve got 30 points. – she said.

You know I wasn’t really surprised? I just felt like that’s what is gonna happen. She was so nice that she didn’t forget to at least try to crack me up in the end, but it was easy for me to keep smiling, because I was happy I got 100% and I knew that in a way I just cut her down to size. It’s not often that someone gets 100% from any final exam. I was the last of all the students who were taking this exam to hear my results. There are only 9 people, 9 people in the whole school, plus me, taking their finals. Cause you can graduate from school here without taking them, and although the school is big, I’ve heard not many people were feeling like doing it. In the school for the blind where I was for years, I know there were always whole classes taking finals. And I was really surprised they had only 9 people taking them. Looks like their level is much lower there. Or maybe it’s because so many students there seem to have coupled disabilities. And I’ve heard all of them coming out and sharing their results with the whole world. Only ONE girl had the result above 60%. Her result was really good, but she was the only one, most people had like 40%. That seemed a little bit sad, although my Mum told me that I should cut her – the headmistress – down to size as much as possible, for disgracing me and comparing me to her brilliant kids. And although it wasn’t my goal in itself, I was so happy I did it.

I wonder why she said it “with regret”. Maybe she was just joking, and that’s OK, or wanted to somehow keep me in suspense, or something, but sadly I suppose that’s what she really thinks and wanted to pretend it’s just an innocent joke. It’s not like I care what she thinks or feel sad that I made her feel regret, not at all, but you feel rather weird hearing something like this, among other jerky stuff which I’m not gonna quote because I don’t want to start to think about it again plus it’s not important in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s a bit foolish to care about what she said even a bit, but I can’t help it that I still do and still hear it. My Dad simply said it’s “biatchy” of her to say this regret thing and my family doesn’t really think it could be a real joke and she is really “regretting”.

My family of course were very happy of it and Zofijka couldn’t believe it, but my Mum said she also somehow felt it will be so, ’cause well I might not be fluent in English, but this exam was a bit below my possibilities.

On the way home we went to CheΕ‚mno, which is a town near Bydgoszcz with lots and lots of old churches and cemeteries even from 13th century, and my family went to see it, but I stayed in the car. I didn’t feel well physically because of the period and somehow my mood started to drop. Yes, I was proud of myself in a way, but I felt somehow very depressed. I don’t know, maybe the headmistress’ words started to strike me and I felt exhausted of all that exam fuss and started to fall deeper and deeper in the self-loathing hole, having to fight against another Maggie, this time my inner self critic whom as you may remember I also call Maggie, and because I felt so exhausted and not at all like fighting anyone, she started to win over me with a smashing predominance, and I didn’t really care, as so many times before I just believed her she’s right. I also felt dizzy and like I’m going to get an awful migraine. My dizziness got worse when my family came back and we drove home. And as we got home my balance was so shitty I was walking slightly like I was drunk. πŸ˜€ So Olek let us in and asked me whether I had some Jack Daniels with me to help me on the exam. I laughed and said that no, but it’s something to think about next time. πŸ˜€ I got a quick shower and went to bed, not to sleep but just to shut my mind off, with which I didn’t really succeed, and to rest for a while. Read some blogs and other stuff but my head started to ache more so I gave up on this. And when my mind finally shut off I I fell asleep about 7 PM. Really really early for me.

ANd I woke up with a nasty migraine in the middle of the night. Ugh that was so shitty. And lasted until almst 2 PM. I am still kinda weak but it’s much better now and the migraine is gone. But I still feel rather depressed and blah and hopeless, overanalysing everything and shitty, and definitely not like someone who got 100% on an exam, quite the opposite.

So glad tomorrow is the last one, maybe will feel better afterwards.

How are you guys doing? πŸ™‚