Hey people! 🙂
This is another of my most favourite songs by Llio Rhydderch. It comes from her collaborative album with Tomos Williams and Mark O’Connor – “Carn Ingli” – but it’s a solo piece. I like its depth and melancholy.
Hey people! 🙂
This is another of my most favourite songs by Llio Rhydderch. It comes from her collaborative album with Tomos Williams and Mark O’Connor – “Carn Ingli” – but it’s a solo piece. I like its depth and melancholy.
What’s one thing you absolutely want to do, given the chance, before you die?
It’s nothing unpredictable for people who already know me. The thing I particularly want to do out of the things I want to do before I die category, is to, hopefully, learn all “my” languages to such a level that I can understand them without too much difficulty. I don’t know how realistic it’ll be, given that some of my languages are extincting, or already extincted and revived, and thus the amount of resources available to learn them is limited in comparison to, say, English, or even Swedish, and also I don’t like the idea of having a very long life. Plus there are other problems, including, but probably not limited to: because I am blind, the amount of resources shrinks even more; I live outside of the territories where these languages are spoken and with small languages like that it is a big deal, it may be difficult to find native speakers online, for example I still don’t know any Scottish Gaelic native, or a Sami one; some of them don’t have their own Braille alphabet and I do find it a lot easier when I can read and write in a language and not only listen, some don’t have good speech synths or none at all, for example there’s no Cornish speech synthesiser ’cause it doesn’t pay off for sure to make a synthesiser speaking a language that was once dead and then resurrected but still has like 500 speakers, and there are probably more things that can get in the way that I can’t think of right now. So while I don’t really know how well that will go in practice and how much of it is actually achievable and how much is just Bibiel’s lovely little dream like a lot of things have turned out to be, I’m going to do what I can do to make it work and to learn as many of them as possible. I’m doing quite well with Welsh, which is an endangered language, even though the beginnings were quite hopeless and infuriatingly frustrating, but that has been the case with every single language I was beginning to learn, so I’m taking the risk by being carefully optimistic about the rest that things will go well after some initial significant upheavals. We shouldn’t forget that technology also keeps developing so who knows, maybe those resources which aren’t accessible for me now will become later on.
Hi guys! 🙂
Yes, another Enya’s song, and another about goodbyes! I couldn’t possibly say which one I like more. This one, as it’s easy to figure out, is about loss of a loved one. According to what Enya has said about this song it’s mostly about a loss due to death. I think she captured the essence of what it feels like very well in this song.
What’s the most impactful meeting with a stranger you’ve ever had?
It was during the last year of my stay at the boarding school, actually during the last month. I’d been really into all these things like lucid dreaming, out of body experiences, new age-y stuff, anything that could provide me with some escape from the real world and from my own brain as it was. I desperately tried to convince myself that I don’t believe in God. At some point, my eyes started to open again and I started to see how something’s really wrong with all this and it doesn’t have the best influence on me or the way I feel, or people around me, or anything really. It was supposed to make me feel better and it often did for a while, but then things spiralled down even worse after some time. Some things in my life also prompted me to think more about God and also to go back to something that’s quite a big thing in my family, thinking about purgatory souls. But that wasn’t really anything serious yet, I was just thinking.
On the day when this meeting that I’m going to talk about happened, it was a weekend day so there were only a few other girls in the group plus me, and the staff who was on shift in the afternoon encouraged us to go see some sort of spectacle that was going on near where we were, which was all about the afterlife and what it looks like, and apparently its message was quite strong. We were all quite reluctant from what I remember, but we did go in the end, and it made a very strong impression on me indeed, the way people’s last moments in their lives were portrayed. It was like someone suddenly jolted me awake with a bucket of freezing cold water and a slap in the face, which wasn’t pleasant at all, but was definitely what I needed at the time. I think this was one of the major factors which contributed to my re-conversion, which was quite a longer process, but maybe if I didn’t see that, it wouldn’t happen, I don’t know.
If I remember correctly, there was also a big about purgatory, or maybe it was just my mind which kept going in that direction, anyway after we saw that, on our way back to the school, we were talking about our impressions and also about the purgatory souls. We were waiting for the bus, and we did so, chatting at the bus stop, an elderly lady came over to us, as she overheard what we were talking about, and told us about how she grew up in a children’s home, and at some point she got very sick, that everyone was thinking she was going to die. She was very religious already as it seemed so they asked a priest to come to her and give her the last rites. After that, she had some sort of a vision or I don’t know how it should be classified, of a man who came close to her and looked like he was suffering a lot, and like he was on fire. She got really scared but then was told by him that this is what happens to people in purgatory, that their souls suffer so much because of the longing for God, whom they cannot see yet, that it feels as if they were burning. And he asked her to pray for him. ANd then she somehow recovered and since then has had a deep devotion for the purgatory souls.
That was really interesting for me to hear, especially that it was such a weird coincidence that I’ve been thinking about it so much and now all those things to do with the purgatory were happening. At the same time though, I still felt rather skeptical of whether her story was actually true, maybe she just wanted to make some sort of impression or whatever.
But then I talked to my Mum about all that stuff, and she was of course very happy that I suddenly have been brought possibly a little bit closer to God, and she said that it doesn’t really matter whether this woman’s story was true or not, and that it’s not really my business. There wasn’t anything wrong with it like theologically, and whether it did happen to her or not, my Mum felt that perhaps this happened to me because God wants me to also pray for the purgatory souls – which I used to do years before, as does my Mum, my grandma and as did my great grandmother, and my great grandmother had actually quite a strong bond with them. –
So I did decide that I’ll indeed see it this way, and so even though I didn’t really know what I’m going to do with my spiritual/religious life yet, I started praying for them, and that’s how it all started.
Now I have quite a large group of souls of people who passed away that I pray for, or offer up anything I can for them to be released from the purgatory as soon as possible, if they’re still there. If they aren’t, that’s not a problem, because there still are a lot of other people who need it and God knows who needs it most instead. We also believe that such purgatory souls are extremely grateful when we here on Earth help themm with our prayers and other things that we can help them with, so they want to help us too. In our daily lives, and afterwards, and they pray for us all the time. I like how it makes a sort of connection between us, and how it makes me feel that I’m actually helping people somewhat.
How about you? 🙂
Hiya people! 🙂
Thought I’d share another piece from Declan Galbraith’s second album – Thank You – released in 2006, when he was 14. Currently (or at least in 2018, that was the last time I heard anything substantial about him) he makes his music under the stage name of Child of Mind, and writes his own songs, however back then, he mostly did covers of classic pop or rock songs, and this one is I believe one of his more well-known covers.
Originally, An Angel was a song of The Kelly Family (an European-American band which enjoyed quite a lot of popularity in the 90’s) and was written by Paddy Kelly for his late mother, Barbara, who passed away early from cancer if I remember correctly, and I think it’s not the only song he wrote for her. I don’t know a whole lot about The Kelly Family but since Declan is one of my faza subjects, and since he has covered more than one of The Kelly Family’s song and liked their music, I used to listen to them a bit because I like to know what my fazas like to listen to. Anyway, while The Kellys have some quite cool songs, I think Declan’s covers are a lot better, and so is the case with this one.
Hey guys! 🙂
I’ve been planning to share this Norwegian folksong with you for ages, but somehow never did it in the end, so finally that’s what I’m doing today. This is one of the first Norwegian folk songs I’ve ever heard and instantly fell in love with it, the version I heard first was the one by Kirsten Braten Berg, and I just loved the harmonies in it, the way it sounded and just the general feel of it, even though I could understand barely anything out of it and it didn’t make too much sense. Usually if you can speak Swedish, you can understand Norwegian well enough that you can at least figure out the context, but my Swedish was only crawling at the time and even now I can’t really understand much out of it on my own, I guess because the lyrics are quite archaic.
Last year I also heard Helene Boksle’s versioon for the first time, Helene Boksle is a well-known Norwegian singer to me whom I like a whole lot and have shared a
in her interpretation ages ago, so you may or may not recall her.
I really love both versions of this song, so, like I often do, I had a hard time deciding on one, and in the end chose to share both of them with you, as they are quite different from each other. Kirsten Braten Berg’s feels more raw, solely with the accompaniment of Ale Moler, and Helene’s is more rich and contemporary. Both are very expressive in their own, different ways.
The song is about a young girl called Heiemo – I couldn’t find any information on the origin of the name so it’s possible that it’s somehow changed and functions in a different form these days or fell out of use. Nykkjen is a creature in Norwegian, but also generally European folklore, also known as Neck, Nokk and lots of other similar things. It is some sort of a water sprite which “by default” has the form of a water-horse, but is also a shapeshifter, and it likes to lure people to the water with singing and music, quite like sirens, and then kill them. So this Nykkjen creature fell in love with Heiemo upon hearing her singing, and decided to kidnap her and then kill her. But things turned around and Heiemo courageously stabbed Nykkjen to death.
Below is the translation of this song that I found
apparently written by a lady called Sheila Louise Wright.
– wake up you noble youngsters-
The Water spirit heard it, striding on the sea,
– Because you now have overslept –
Heiemo sang her poem, it was singing in the hillside
The Water spirit heard it, the pagan dog.
The Water spirit spoke to his helmsman:
“You steer my ship upon christian land!”
“I will go upon christian land,
the beautiful maid I will have.”
He then enters her house
with high hat and rosy cheek
The Water spirit danced and Heiemo sang her poem
it pleased all folks in the houses
“Now every one has to go to his own home,
Heiemo I bring with me on the ship.”
“Heiemo, Heiemo, quiet your wrath,
You should sleep on water spirit’s arm.”
She stabbed the water spirit in his chest,
the nail ran into the root of his heart.
“Here you lay water spirit, naked to raven and dog.
Still I have my singing need.”
Would you take a bullet for someone in your life?
If there was an actual reason for that – absolutely yes! – I don’t like when people make such foolish declarations “I love you so much that I could die for you” when there is totally no need for such radical acts, and even less so for empty words like that. But if someone I loved a lot, like my Mum or anyone in my close family or my online friends, or perhaps even Misha (although why would anyone want to kill or shoot Misha, and who would be capable of doing this, I have no clue? The only reason I can think of why someone might even consider that is if they somehow really hated me passionately for some reason and were desperate to make me miserable, and I am not aware of having such desperate enemies) or maybe even people whom I not necessarily love but who are somehow important to me and who I care about, or whose life I think is very important, if any of them were in danger where their life could be at risk, and my death could make the situation better in any way, then hell yeah, I’d do that, although it surely would be scary. I think it wouldn’t be quite as scary though as living the rest of my life with a consciousness that I could help save the life of someone who was dear to me in some way or who needed it, but did not do that. It would be more difficult if it was a shot that would only impair me in some way, as that would have some longer consequences for me and I’m not sure how I’d deal with that my whole life, but I’d try to think about how I was able to help someone through that and I suppose that would be at least a bit of comfort for me to know that I somehow helped their cause. My Mum recently asked me what would I feel like living in a country where Christians are persecuted in a major way, where their lives may be in danger because of their faith, and how I’d feel like about giving my life up for Christ, because she read a book about Christians in muslim countries and that made her think about it hard. Now this is such a difficult thing to think about. When you read about the martyrs in ancient Rome for example, and the ways they were tortured, I’m really not sure I would be able to deal with that and keep being faithful. On the other hand, it’s not really these people’s merrit entirely that they were strong and brave enough to go through it but they were supported by God’s grace, I don’t think anyone would willfully agree to such suffering and not give in at some point without some help. But I think I would at least try my best if I was in such a situation and try to have as much courage as possible. And in the case of this question, if I was in such a situation that I would have to take a bullet for Christ, I feel that would be easier than the fancy tortures people had to endure ages ago, so I would take the risk, I think.
How about you? 🙂
If you were given an envelope with the time and date of your death inside, would you open it?
Yes, ‘cus why not? I don’t have a fear of death or dying and, while I am not actively suicidal or anything at this point, I don’t feel very strongly attached to life in general, I for example don’t really understand people who want to live and live and live, like my Dad who says that if he’d be healthy, he’d like to live even 200 years. I think that would be super tiring. Knowing the date of your death could be also motivating to do more things that you actually want to do in life. Knowing that you have 25 years, 9 months and 13 days until you die I guess may be somehow more motivating than knowing that you are going to die at some point in your life, it makes it feel more realistic.
On the other hand I am also not sure whether I’d believe whatever would be in that envelope, because how would another human being know that for sure? When I was into all the esoteric stuff years ago, while at the same time I felt very unmotivated to live, I did have someone tell me my date of death. I don’t even remember the year now but I know it was 23rd May and some sort of an accident of unclear nature. I took it very literally then and really believed in it, but these days, I just don’t think I would or at least not as confidently for sure.
If you died today, what regrets would you have about your life?
If I died, I don’t think I’d have any regrets afterwards, because I think our perspective on things must change quite a lot when that happens. As a Christian and Catholic, the only thing I can think of that I could really regret after death would be any sins that I didn’t do anything about in my lifetime, didn’t confess or regret them earlier or expiate for them or didn’t apologise to people who might have been affected or didn’t try to compensate them in any way, maybe even didn’t accept that I was sinning, as well as good things I didn’t do that could have helped my soul grow and be somehow beneficial for others around me. Which would mean I wouldn’t be able to enjoy being in God’s presence until my soul would be cleansed of all that yucky stuff in the purgatory, and purgatory souls do suffer a lot, not because they are somehow tortured in exquisite ways as some people imagine purgatory, but because they are separated from God, and they have a deep longing to be near Him but at the same time don’t want that to happen any sooner than when they are completely pure. Must be a strange state of being to find oneself in, when the whole perspective in which you look at yourself, the world and everything is no longer the same which you had when you were alive, but you see everything the way God does. I find it difficult on a cognitive level and as it seems it’s not just me. Anyway, since I’m still alive, I do try my best to do what I can not to have such regrets afterwards, although of course we are all flawed, make mistakes and all that, so we all will have some regrets of this nature when our time comes, I believe. Helping and devotion to purgatory souls is quite a thing, you could perhaps say a tradition, in my maternal family, as my great grandma had very close contact with and apparitions of them from what we know and she passed her passion for helping them onto her children, and it’s still alive. I have a fair few souls that are dear to me and whom I try to help by praying for them and offering up what I can, so that in case they are in purgatory, they can be released possibly soon, and I trust that when it’ll be my time to die, they will be there to help me too, I already do feel their help in some ways in life.
As for what I’d regret at the time I was dying or knowing that I’m going to die soon… I don’t really know what I would regret. Probably also those thoughts of spiritual nature would pass through my mind so I’d try to prepare my soul for death, but other than that… I’m thinking hard now and I have no idea at this point, so it’s possible that there wouldn’t be anything more. Oh wait, there is one thing! This is a thing that I already regret and have been regretting ever since it happened, and so I may be regretting it forever in this life, because it was really awful. It wasn’t even really my fault or my decision but I was involved in it anyway, I witnessed it and sometimes I wonder if I could stop it in time and it was so sad I haven’t fully gotten over it yet. I regret that it had to happen, the whole thing. I’m talking about Sasha – a Russian blue kitten we bought I guess two years ago, and had to rehome after two months. Some of you who have been around on here then may remember him, there even are some pics/videos of him on this blog I believe.
My Mum – who is famous for impulsive decisions on the spur of a moment – was thinking about getting another Russian blue cat, in addition to Misha whom we already had. We were all thinking that Misha was feeling lonely when we weren’t home, or even when we were. That perhaps he needed a playmate. It really blows my mind how we could be so daft, but now I’ve read lots of things about feline behaviours and brains so it’s easy to say to me that it was daft, but it really was. I liked a comparison I’ve read at one cat behaviourist’s blog – imagine you have a very loving partner, whom you love to, and who really admires you and thinks you’re beautiful. And one day he/she comes home and says: “Oh look, I was thinking you were so beautiful, that I decided to get myself another one, just like you. Now I’ll have two real beauties/handsome guys to sleep with. And you guys will be having real fun times with each other too, won’t you? You won’t mind sharing the same rooms?” 😀 Rude and selfish, right?
The more we all talked about it, the more Mum looked at Russian blues breeders’ websites and pics of Russian blue kittens, the more we felt like having a mini copy of Misha in our house.
And finally Mum learned that the breeder from whom we got Misha is going to have little kittens super soon, in the matter of days, I mean of course his cats were going to have them, not he. So Mum called him right away and he said that one is still free so she can take it when it’s born.
I did think it was really rushed and had mixed feelings, although mostly also for selfish reasons – because I thought Misha will spend more time with this other cat than with me/us and will no longer sleep with me – yet the perspective of having two Mishas was so pleasing that I couldn’t oppose for too long, and Mum’s arguments were very convincing as she was very sure of her decision and thought it an inspiration from God. I wonder what God was thinking of this accusation.
Whenever the topic of Sasha comes up now, I wonder, if I tried more to stop her from doing it so hurriedly, would it make the situation any better? Maybe if I tried, I would manage to change her mind, or at least cool her head off enough that the whole procedure of introducing a new cat would be better planned, not just: “Misha, this is Sasha and he’s going to be your new best friend from now on, deal with it if it doesn’t suit you”. Because when Sasha came it was nothing what it should be like and even the breeder, when he learned about the failure of the experiment, was shocked and kept saying that he did tell us how we should introduce them to each other, that it should be a gradual thing and all that. Maybe then at least they could live together in relative peace.
But it was as it was, and a few days later, Mum and Sofi went to the breeder and took Sasha home, and Sofi almost immediately brought him to Misha. Misha got super mad so that me and Sofi were scared, and Mum even accused him of being mentally ill because he can’t just react in a normal way to any change, even a positive one. 😀 He hid under the sofa and hissed and made such low noises all night. Good thing that at least Sasha had a bit different temperament, or very different in fact.
He was super cuddly, bold, happy-go-lucky and very extroverted. We were laughing with Sofi that just like Misha has his birthday two days before me and we are both incredibly similar to each other, Sasha was born just a few days after Sofi’s birthday and, like her, was a typical Gemini and very much like her. His outgoing personality and cuddliness made him even more likeable.
In the coming days, we saw very little of Misha, he was usually either hiding, or chasing and scaring Sasha, letting him know that it’s his – Misha’s – house, and Sasha has nothing to do in here. At some point, from what we’d managed to figure out, he must have scared him in the loo, HIS very private loo, because Sasha had a deep fear of doing his thing in the litterbox, but until we figured out what was the problem with the help of a behaviourist we were thinking he was just doing it on purpose for some reason, because there was no way to persuade him to do it in the right place and we had poo surprises everywhere from bathtub to wardrobes to pillowcases, which didn’t make the atmosphere any better as you can imagine.
Sometimes we stupid humans were treated to a special performance by Misha and Sasha implying that they are very good friends, so that’s what we liked to believe in.
Finally the loo situation was getting really out of control, unhealthy emotions were rising, everyone was stressed out and tired, Mum was near depressed, blaming herself, or being angry at Misha for being “antisocial” or Sasha for pooping, I was blaming Sasha for everything because if not him, Misha wouldn’t be going crazy and the whole situation wouldn’t have taken place, so I wasn’t treating him as nicely as Misha even though he was clinging to me as much as everyone else, and then after five minutes I would be very nice to him because he was so cute, after all, that you couldn’t resist for too long. He must have been super confused I guess. The culmination was that they both got sick. The vet said that there isn’t anything wrong with either of them physically, but they had high fever and other awful symptoms, Misha was throwing up with some gross, foamy stuff, Sasha was barely in touch with the world, so he said it must be stress and, after being told the story with minute details, he said it can’t go on like this and said they could even die if it would be dragging for too long. So we finally saw this too and started doing something about it.
We had to rehome Sasha, which was a great pain for our selfish brains. But at least he had real luck with his new family, or so I like to think. They’re very interesting, artistically inclined people, and months later I learned that Sasha’s new mummy is actually a children’s writer whose books I used to read, what a cool coincidence!
So the situation generally had a happy ending, although I can only hope that Sasha doesn’t have any bad memories or anything like that and that he has a better life now, but still… this situation would be so easy to prevent, or make it take a slightly different route. That’s why I regret it. I regret that Sasha couldn’t have a happy childhood right away, and that it had to be us with whom he had such a difficult start. I regret what we did to Misha, that we betrayed him in a way, as Mum says. Even though Misha seems like the biggest monster in this situation because if not his “antisocial” behaviour, we could have two cats, in fact, after Sasha left, we all only fully realised how virtuous Misha has actually been all that time. He forgave us what we did. He recovered and keeps being the sweet, good-natured Misha for us. Even while Sasha was with us, we did see much less of him but when we saw him, he was never aggressive to us and was very tolerant of all our whims at that time. Mum says he has a very noble spirit, and I think that describes him very well.
Okay, so how about you? 🙂
If you died today, how do you think you would be remembered?
No clue really. It probably largely depends on the people who would remember me, as I don’t think it would be the same for everyone, but also I don’t think there would be all that much to remember as I haven’t made anything all that spectacular in life. Most people who know me in any way would probably just have memories of some situations from their lives featuring me or something. My immediate family, the ones who live with me, that is, would likely remember my linguophilia, weird brains and all the other weird/quirky/eccentric stuff they couldn’t wrap their brains around, everything to do with my blindness, as well as my sense of humour, gloominess and my obsession with Misha. My Mum could remember our multiple deep conversations and that I’ve always tried to listen to her or advise somehow, she actually says that now, ever since I’m at home, that is not at the boarding school anymore, at least she has someone to talk to regularly, so actually it’s quite possible she would remember that. Sofi would have a lot to remember. All our games and other fun times and stuff we were coming up with together, our inside jokes and neologisms, weird situations to do with me she couldn’t understand but always wanted and other things she couldn’t make sense of, our arguments, fights, misunderstandings and hurts, funny situations we had together, she would mostly remember the Bibiel me for sure. I’m not sure how Misha would remember me to be honest. Probably as the one who always called Mish Mish Mish especially at night and who always wanted him to sleep with her, but more importantly as an addition to the most peaceful room in the house where one could sleep for hours without being disturbed by anything, with the softest places to sleep on/in or hide, so that it was even difficult to choose where to sleep when he was very sleepy, and with an abundance of treats which somehow magically appeared whenever he said “Hhrrru?” 😀
Most other people who know me in person but not that well would probably remember me as that blind/disabled girl or something like that, and my extended family would probably also think of my disability first and foremost. Some would perhaps also think of some of my interests or quirks or some other of my less obvious, that is not instantly visible, traits, but I suppose mostly they’d think about what they could see. Some, like my grandma, would probably remember me from my early childhood, when I liked to sing, which she always recalls when talking to people about me. My grandma doesn’t have dementia or isn’t stuck in the past or anything like that, well, maybe she is slightly in a sentimental way, but I guess for some reason thinking about me from that period is easiest or most pleasant for her or something. My gran in turn, I believe would remember me in comparison to all the other blind people she has ever known or heard about.
My grandad, who is like close family to me… I don’t know what he would remember about me really. I never know what he thinks. Maybe he’d remember me simply as the person with whom it was the most comfortable to just be quiet and understand each other without words, that’s I think how I will remember him when he dies. Maybe also he’d remember that I was intelligent because he’s always very proud of me for that saying I’ve got that after him, or he’ll remember me as an “x-ray” as he calls me. 😀 Or someone who was worth his support. He’d probably also remember my interest in gem stones.
And online people, again, I guess it depends very much from where I know them or what we know about each other or what do we talk about etc. etc. but mostly they’d probably remember my blog, Misha, possibly also my languages or my fazas or something like that, that I had mental health issues since I am more open about them with people online than in real life, and that I was nice/a kind friend or something like this, intelligent and quirky/weird.
What do you think people would remember you for? 🙂
So, guys, I’ve planned in advance what I was going to share with you today as part of the song of the day series, but just now, after posting Jack Cullen’s song, him being one of my most newly considered faza candidates, I had a sudden realisation. I’ve never showed you the most promising faza candidate so far. I mean, he’s no longer an actual faza candidate, he was a potential one back in March, but he used to be a very strong one and I haven’t had a better option ever since.
His name is Billy Lockett and he is from Northampton. He is a classically trained pianist, although he makes pop, mostly acoustic, music, (mostly sad songs about love 😀 ). Yeah, super normal, I know. But I really liked him. Actually, I still absolutely do! He just never ended up being my next faza subject, although it was very close to that. After all, although I really desperately need a new faza, I am kind of glad it was this way.
Of course I came across Billy on Spotify, and what first made me interested in him was his bio, which I think was written in an interesting way – it’s not bragging about yourself in third person but is actually quite raw and seems very natural. I’ll actually paste it here, hope it’s not illegal or something, just like I mentioned it’s from his artist page on Spotify so you can’t find it there as well:
Hello I’m Billy Lockett. I’m a piano man. I grew up in Northampton with my crazy hippy dad. He encouraged me to have a career in music. Things started to happen, I was playlisted on Radio 1 and went on tour supporting Birdy, Lana del Rey and KT Tunstall.
Dad died. I stopped everything and came back home. Went off the rails a bit. Got a cat. Spent the next 2 years in the cellar of my dad’s house writing songs. Grew an afro accidentally.
Moved to probably the smallest room in London. Played every open mic night in the city for a year. Sold out my first headline show. Got signed. Cut afro off. Went off the rails again. Got help. Performed on Made In Chelsea as Josh’s baby shower gift to Binky (obviously).
Toured with Lewis Capaldi and Electric Light Orchestra. Put my own tour on sale. Sold it out. Broke up with my label. Broke up with my Girlfriend (well, she dumped me…on WhatsApp).
Moved back to my dad’s old house (with cat). Wrote and recorded Reset EP. Became mates with James Corden. Performed live on the Late Late Show. Got new managers. Self-released a modern classical piano-only album. It charted and got played on Classic FM. At the same time a DnB track I sang on was getting played on Radio 1. Made History as the first artist to do that.
Put Reflections EP together. Loved every song. Felt empowered. The songs were written during a darker time. But now I’m feeling really good. This EP is me reflecting on how far I’ve come, and to celebrate where I’m going..
I listened to him and thought his music was really good and very emotional and, even though it’s all about love, mostly romantic love, which is something very foreign to me, it somehow struck a chord with me and I thought it would be super cool having a faza subject like this, and also who has a cat. I also really like the name Billy, so, well, why not?
The song I’m about to show you moved me particularly much and I thought it must be about his late dad. I read somewhere that, again, it’s to do with a breakup or something, but I am nevertheless sticking to my theory that it must be about his dad and saying that it’s about breakup is just more mainstream-friendly, it just doesn’t make sense as a breakup song. Then again I’ve never been through a breakup, and, based on how many songs about it and similar topics he has, he must have a lot more experience, which I feel deeply sorry about.
What I liked about him next was that I saw something he did on YouTube. He went on the streets and asked people anonymously what do they think of Billy Lockett’s music. I thought that was so brilliant and did requite some distance to yourself, and he seemed to even handle the criticism well although some of it was rather harsh to me. I also found some interview that was made with him, which was all about things to do with sleep. And he mentioned a very relatable quote there: “Sleep is like a cat, it only comes to you when you ignore it”. It is from “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn. I didn’t know neither the quote, nor have ever heard about Gillian Flynn, but thought if he even quotes something like this, he must be some sort of an akin soul to me. 😀
Even though I find love the most boring and unrelatable song topic in the world, I also quite liked the melancholy of his music, and his piano play.
But I felt really ambivalent for the first few days after learning about him and didn’t really know whether I am going to have/having a faza on him or not, so that’s why I didn’t write about him on here right away, and later on it all just really faded.
In the end, just like I said, I guess it’s actually a good thing I didn’t end up having a faza on him. With all my respect and liking for Billy, I think it wouldn’t last all that long anyway, as it wouldn’t be all that inspiring and brain nourishing as my previous ones have been.But such small, short-lasting or even not fully developed fazas are useful, pleasant and fun too, and can be helpful with some self-exploration. Also it was nice to have such a light in the tunnel during the time without major fazas.
Anyway, here is this song of his that I find the most moving, it is definitely my most favourite song of his and I love that it is about a different kind of love, or so I think it is. 😀
Hi guys! 🙂
Today I have something very short and sweet for you – a Welsh nursery rhyme. I find this little tune quite interesting – as a lot of nursery rhymes are, even if they don’t seem to be at a first glance. – I’ve always believed that since nursery rhymes are generally for children, and we put so much pressure on teaching kids all sorts of things even through literature or music that is made especially for them, that they’d have some kind of a moral. But if this one has a moral indeed, it seems quite hilarious to me. People complain so much that times have changed a lot and how so many children now are overweight or even obese. Well, perhaps it’s nursery rhymes like this, emphasising the role of our bellies that are at fault. 😀 Perhaps it was just made for the fussy kids… Well yeah, sometimes music provokes strange thoughts in my brain. 😀
I like how stoical this bird is and accepting of the possibility that we may die just absolutely any time. Reminds me of how Sofi was little, and when you asked her what she was going to do tomorrow, for example, she’d say “I don’t know, maybe I will die”. No, Sofi wasn’t suicidal or depressed, I can assure you of that. She would always say that in a happy/neutral tone, like the most natural thing in the world. Since our family is Christian and my Mum has a very similar mentality, she was simply taught that you just never know what will happen but whatever will, it was surely meant to happen, and even if it seems a bad thing, something good will likely come out of it for someone at some point. This, rather than making her nervous and worried about the future as some would perhaps expect, made her a very spontaneous girl who never plans anything too far in advance and prefers to live in the now. Which has its good and bad sides, obviously, but that’s just what Sofi’s like, and this bird reminds me of her. The part about the belly also reminds me of Sofi when she was little, because there was such a time when, whenever she would introduce herself she would say something like this: “My name is Zofia, I like to dance, draw and eat”. She doesn’t remember that but she still loves to eat more than an average person and even though she eats a lot, it doesn’t show as she’s very thin, and, because she knows about that thing she used to say from what we’ve told her, sometimes now that’s what she tells people on purpose when she doesn’t know what else to say about herself: “I’m Sofi and I like to eat”. 😀
Perhaps then, the actual moral of this nursery rhyme is accepting whatever happens to you, even if it’s death, and being aware of the fact that it may be just about anything, but while you’re alive, doing things that will keep you alive and that you find pleasant at the same time. Very simple, but perhaps not necessarily as obvious life truth as we may be tempted to think.
I used to wonder why there’s a bird in this nursery rhyme, but Welsh nursery rhymes and lullabies generally seem to be full of animals (which is, after all, not a distinctly Welsh trait at all), moreover I’ve heard about similarly nonsensical nursery rhymes from other countries where an animal is asked where it’s been or where it’s going and its answers have nothing to do with what animals of its species actually do/eat etc. The word for little bird in Welsh is aderyn, and I’ve seen somewhere that it could also mean a boy (don’t know how accurate it actually is though as I’ve never heard it in such use and am not sure how credible the source is) so perhaps it could be a boy, not a bird, but each and every mention of this song that I found in English says bird, so it’s much safer to assume that it is actually a bird.
Okay, now I’ll let you formm your own opinion on this song, here is the translation, and the song itself is below.
„Where are you going, little laden bird?”
“I’m going to the market, if I will be alive.”
“What will you do in the market, little laden bird?”
“Go and get salt, if I will be alive.”
“What will you do with the salt, little laden bird?”
“Put it in the soup, if I will be alive.”
“What will you do with the soup, little laden bird?”
“Put it in my belly, if I will be alive.”
“What will you do with the belly, little laden bird?”
“If it weren’t for my belly, I wouldn’t be alie.
Hi guys! 🙂
I’ve found something today that I thought I could post on here so we can have some fun. Below are sentences that we can complete. I’ll do it here in this post, and you can do it in the comments, or in your own posts (don’t forget to pingback or leave the link in the comments so I can read it). Keep them as long or as short as you only wish. For your convenience, I’ll write the unfinished sentences alone first so that you can copy paste them without having to edit them and delete what I wrote. Here goes:
I am confident about…
I am insecure about…
I need to…
I want to…
I like to…
I recently bought…
I am thinking about…
I am anticipating…
I am procrastinating…
I am watching/listening to/cooking…
I am confident about… nearly nothing, I guess. I’ve been thinking on this for a while now and I just can’t come up with one thing I would be like absolutely and unquestionably confident about. 😀
I am insecure about… almost everything, which I guess is pretty logical from what I wrote above.
I need to… find myself another faza. It’s really getting imperative! I haven’t written much about that lately but I’m still searching intensely. My latest finding has been Jack Hughes who is cool but too normal, not versatile enough, and has a bit peculiar way of singing which would be annoying for me long-term. Why do I have to find a faza for myself in the first place, rather than it just happening without my conscious effort, like always before? My brain is getting way too lazy. And it’s a vicious circle because lack of a faza and thus beneficial stimuli in the right amount only makes it more lazy. 😀 What do you do with a lazy brain?
I want to… stop cutting myself. I did last week again, and a couple of times, so this time I only managed to go without it a month or so I believe. And on the other hand I don’t want to stop cutting. Well but what I do want is I don’t want to do it in such an impulsive way. Or at least be able to not do it for longer periods of time, like once I managed not to cut for about half a year. In case you’re wondering why I did it, I was just feeling depressed and overloaded, also had a lot of anxiety for no obvious reason, it was my friend Jacek from Helsinki’s another death anniversary on July 29, and then later in the week it was my cousin’s 18th birthday party and I reeeally couldn’t deal with the socialising and all that comes with it. Quite ironically, I have some special memories with Jacek from Helsinki and my own 18th birthday party, which didn’t help. But it’s better now.
I like to… sleep with Misha.
I recently bought… my new Bang & Olufsen headphones, yaaaaaay!!! Seriously, this was a very spontaneous purchase, totally on the spur of a moment, completely unlike me, just because it was my Mum who found these headphones online on sale and she told me about them, I only briefly looked them up online to see if it could be something for me and it seemed like it could perhaps be but might just as well not be, but it was on Zalando Lounge so they were way cheaper than they would be otherwise and I could return them if I decided they’re not for me. I really needed some good headphones for my iPhone, I also need a good speaker(s), so I figured I might just as well try these with an opportunity like this. I had to wait ages for these headphones, about a month, and also I was rather sceptical whether it could really be something for me ’cause I’m sort of picky and have some very specific requirements. But they came on Monday – just before my parents went out on their camper van trip so Mum could pick them up for me – but they had to go and Sofi wasn’t home when they were leaving so I had to set them up and pair by myself. Which was not difficult but I had no accessible manual or anything and I didn’t really know how to do it. I figured how to turn them on and turn Bluetooth on after a while but they still weren’t visible for my iPhone because it turned out I had to get an app to set them up, so I was very apprehensive and wondered how accessible it’ll be with VoiceOver – the iPhone screenreader – and moreover how usable for me as a still more or less beginning iPhone user. It would probably be badly inaccessible if not the fact that VoiceOver can now guess what different buttons in an application do from how they look if they’re not labelled properly, and as far as I remember none or very few were labelled originally in that app and VoiceOver did a very good job at the guessing game. Then I didn’t remember what exactly model I had and I had to select the one I had from the list in the app to set it up, and some only differ between each other with one number so not very Bibiel-friendly. So I ended up having to call Mum and she had to check up what my model was. Then still iPhone couldn’t connect to the headphones for ages and I was getting really frustrated, but then finally I did something random and they did connect to each other. And once I had them paired, a very Bibiel-friendly manual showed up – both with audio and text, not some weird, hardly descriptive video like a lot of tutorials are – so I could figure out hhow to actually use the headphones without anyone’s help very easily. And once I learned it it was very rewarding because I’ve already grown to like the headphones a lot. I would never buy them for their original price, I seriously don’t think the sound is worth as much, but it’s definitely good for me and good for the price I paid for them. When I read reviews people complained that the active noise cancelling feature is meh because it doesn’t work as well as in other similar headphones but for me it’s just right. They’re my first noise cancelling headphones and, I don’t know, I have a terribly, horribly, freakishly loud desktop computer and when I turn the noise cancellation on and sit at the desk I can barely hear the hum nor anything else outside. Granted, I don’t need some really extreme noise cancellation, I am obviously blind and a control freak, I want to know what’s going on around me most of the time so that I don’t need to worry that someone is lurking behind me and I have no idea because I’m listening to music. On the other hand I do like the noise cancelling for situations when I don’t need to hear the world around me so that I have a good and immersive environment for daydreaming haha, and these headphones are just right for this purpose. Even yesterday I had a situation when Sofi was in my room, watching a video on her phone, and there was some really weird music that was setting my brain off a little bit, so I just quickly put my headphones on and turned my own music on with the noise cancelling, and I could no longer hear Sofi’s evil shit. They also have transparency mode which is good sometimes for such people like me (Sofi once said that they should invent cheekphones for me because with my computer headphones often when someone was in my room or something I would have the headphones more on my cheeks than ears so that I could hear my surroundings clearly without having to constantly put on and take off the headphones, yes, cheekphones could be a cool idea for some specific situations 😀 ), and integration with Siri which is useful at times, and the earpads are really comfy, though I haven’t used them for a longer stretch of time yet. They have gesture control which seems to work very poorly, or perhaps it’s me not doing the gestures the right way exactly, but thankfully you can also control them within the app or just simply from the phone. They also have a cable so I can plug them into my PlexTalk which does not have Bluetooth which is cool because my previous PlexTalk/computer headphones are falling apart. Oh wow, what a mini review I just wrote lol.
I am thinking about… Jocky, whom Sofi has just let inside and he’s devastating the house and barking his lungs out, and about Misha, who is thankfully cosily tucked inside my wardrobe – this is his recent hideout for when he’s a bit stressed as it seems, and he certainly is stressed now because Mum is away and he’s very attached to her.
I am anticipating… huh, nothing really. Can’t think of anything I’d be anticipating at the moment.
I am procrastinating… way more than I realise on a daily basis. I’ve only recently thought more about it. I really procrastinate a whole lot and it’s usually because of anxiety as it seems. But it’s not like impairing or anything so I can’t say I care very much, just a little alarming when you suddenly realise such things.
I am watching/listening to/cooking… listening to BBC Radio Cymru at the moment.
So, who wants to play along with me? 🙂
Hi people! 🙂
Here’s my question for you today:
In which way have you surprised yourself this week?
Well, that wasn’t a very big surprise maybe, but I couldn’t think of anything else. It surprised me that, the night before last, I was crying in my sleep, because I am generally not a big cryer, or at least definitely not in such situations when I’m just plain sad, even when it’s very sad, or moved by something either positive or negative. My Mum and grandma both have eyes on a very wet spot and can cry about anything that moves them, but I usually only cry when really angry or overloaded and just pretty much physically can’t keep any more feelings inside. I had a dream about my grandma (yes, that same who cries so much) that she was dying. In the morning Mum asked me if it was corona that she was dying of, and that wasn’t clear to me what it was, but it’s possible because she had real trouble breathing. She was lying in her bed and there were loads of people in her bedroom – us, all my Mum’s siblings with their families, all my grandma’s siblings with their families, I guess even my grandad’s family. – She was praying, and we were praying with her. I am often more like an observer than participant in my dreams and see things in a kind of neutral, emotionally detached way, often either from the point of view of someone else, everyone involved or just an observer, rather than just myself. And so it didn’t feel like I was sitting there with them, I was sort of looking down on themm and hearing what they were saying and I was separate from them, I don’t think they could even see me.
My grandma is generally a very melancholic person, a huge worrier and catastrophist and I call her Fillyjonk – like Fillyjonk from the Moomins – but in my dream she was happy – just in a calm, peaceful, quietly satisfied way like I’ve never seen her in real life – usually when she’s happy in real life it’s because she’s moved by something, and then she cries anyway so it’s kind of bittersweet, or at least so it looks to me. At some point though, she started worrying and talking about someone, I don’t remember why, or maybe I couldn’t even fully understand it in the dream, but I know she was worrying about one of her grandchildren and her worries had something to do with school, so I think it could be my cousin who is currently experiencing some school troubles and to whom she’s very close because she’s actually bringing him up no less than his parents as they live very close. So she grew very nervous and worried what will happen after she died, people tried to calm her down, and the more she was nervous, the more she couldn’t breathe, and then she just died.
Then my point of view shifted so that I was more participating in the dream and only then it hit me what happened. The whole room was quiet, everyone was so shocked, and I suddenly started crying like I think I never did in my real life. It was as much strange that, while I do like my grandma and she is a really lovely person, I don’t have that much of a personal connection with her, same as with most of my family, so it was a really strange reaction and I was really surprised even in the dream.
Then I woke up and realised that my eyes were actually wet and that I must have seriously cried in my sleep, and as it was about Misha’s waking time – 4 AM – he was wide awake and curiously peaking out of his bed and had his paw on my cheek. 😀
That was really quite a strange dream, but strange dreams are intriguing, and I don’t mind them if they’re not sleep paralysis, even if their topic is negative. I think it happens to me more than most people I know that I cry in my sleep, but I think that night was probably the most emotional in that respect, and I was wondering about the whole sleep crying thing – since I often find it difficult to cry even when I want to, maybe it’s some sort of release of actual emotions for my brain, and that’s how it’s coping with some shit that I am at the moment unable to get rid of while being conscious and in control. – In any case, I think brain is absolutely fascinating, but sleep is probably even more in a way.
On a slightly different note, today I also had a dream involving death and quite emotional, but no crying. I dreamt that I met some friends online that I was getting along really well with – it was actually a whole family, parents and children, though I’m pretty sure all of their children were grown up already or maybe one of themm was a teenager, but they lived all together somewhere in the countryside, I have a vague feeling that it might have been somewhere in England, because some parts of my dream were in English, also the mummy had a bit of a Scouse accent and I think England was mentioned somewhere in that dream. – And for some reason I moved to them and lived with them permanently. They were really such cool people, I had something in common with each of them, I remember they had a huge house with a huge garden, what I know for sure is that they had loads of apples in there haha and they had a horse, we spent a lot of time together just because we genuinely wanted it, we read books together, actually I think one of the girls was a writer. One guy was called… yes! you guessed it! Jack and he was so funny. I also remember the mother particularly well, she was really smart and sweet. I bonded with them all really strongly and closely.
And suddenly they all got sick with something on the same day, were all really ill, and finally all died pretty much at once so I was absolutely devastated and so sad and missed them terribly. I woke up soon after that and couldn’t shake off that sad, longing feeling, I guess I could actually say hiraeth as they call it in Welsh, which is longing for something that has never truly existed, it usually refers to a place but i think it describes what I felt really well. And for a while I couldn’t figure out why I felt like that either. As it happened, there was also some really sad piece of music playing on my Spotify as I woke up, nothing better than having a soundtrack to your dreams! 😀 Of course I got over it when I realised that it was a dream, but I found it really sad, and when I recall the whole thing I still feel strangely sad as I seriously knew those people, and I kind of miss them. But I really enjoyed the part of the dream when I was with them. Maybe I’ll add them to my Brainworld or something so that they’d feel a bit more realistic haha.
So, how about you guys? 🙂
Hello people! 🙂
I have another beautiful folk ballad for you today, and an English one as well. In any case, at least this version is English, the ballad itself apparently comes from Scotland. It is also known as “I Once Loved A Lass” and is told from a man’s perspective.
I know a few versions of this song, but I guess Olivia Chaney’s is my favourite, although I love Sandy Denny’s version too.
And, again, it strikes me how easy it seemed to be for people in the past centuries to die. You only needed an unrequited love, and then you could just lay down and die. I guess, looking at it objectively, it’s good that mankind has grown out of this strange ailment. 😉 At the same time, as someone who has struggled with passive suicidal thoughts for most of my life, I have to admit that I often thought that this ability must have been really handy. I remember listening to “Annachie Gordon” for the first time as a tween or so, and I was so utterly amazed that one can just die in a matter of seconds solely because of love.
Hi people! 🙂
Today the song I want to share with you comes from a Swedish singer Miss Li, who is very well-known there and sings mainly pop music but also doesn’t shy away from such genres or influences from genres like blues or folk, and she also sings in Swedish. I like her powerful voice but to be honest apart from that I am not a big fan of her music. Don’t dislike it but don’t like it either. This song is a little bit of an exception. I heard it for the first time on the day on which I finished my final exams, on my way back home, and it suited my mood at that moment well. I love how dynamic and uplifting it is, I like to listen to it when I’m a bit hyper or just in a right mood to listen to this song.
This song from Loreena MCKennit, as you can probably guess, tells the story of Elaine of Astolat, from the Arthurian legend. Well, moreover, it’s the musical adaptation of the whole poem “The Lady Of Shalott” by Alfred Tennyson. That’s how I’ve first heard this poem – sung by Loreena MCKennitt. – And thanks to this song, I’ve become interested in Arthurian legends, as part of my fascination with everything Celtic. Until then, I didn’t really know much about Arthurian legends. But now I find them very interesting. And this one is my favourite. So here is this long song. I really love the way she adapted this poem and made a lovely piece of music out of it.
Hi hi hi lovely people! 🙂
It feels like I haven’t written anything in quite a while again, so let’s first catch up on some music, as I haven’t posted any music for a particularly long time.
I’d like to show you a few songs of one of my very first favourite Celtic music singers – Loreena MCKennitt. – Alongside Enya, Aine Minogue and a few others, she was keeping me sane during a time that was particularly difficult emotionally in my life, and she was one of the first artists associated with Celtic but also generally folk music that I’ve started to listen to a lot, and one of the first harpists whose music I’ve heard. I really like her dramatic soprano, my friend Jacek from Helsinki loved her and he used to say her voice is chil inducing, it indeed is very very expressive. I love the wide range of inspirations Loreena uses in her music, she’s not only into Celtic music but also oriental music, she has adapted various poems or pieces of literary work into pieces of music or has written her own music inspired by literature, legends, myths, historical/legendary figures etc. It’s like her each album has a bit of a theme that is going on throughout the album. I like how self-sufficient she is. Apart from being a singer, songwriter, composer and harpist, she has also her own record label – Quinlan Road – and also plays a few other instruments other than harp, she’s her own manager and seems to like running the show just on her own. And I like her harp play so very much. She’s one of the better Celtic harpists out there in my opinion.
Loreena MCKennitt is from Canada, she has Irish and Scottish roots (and her father’s name was JACK! that explains everything, doesn’t it? 😉 ) and she currently lives in Ontario.
The song I want to show you in this post is a ballad called “Annachie Gordon”. If I remember well, this is one of the balads in the collection of Child’s Ballads, and it is English. I like many contemporary versions of this piece but Loreena’s is the best, because of her vocals and because of the magnificent harp! It was also the first version of this song I’ve heard, and I immediately fell in love with it. The plot of the ballad is quite, um, cliche, and now as I’m older than when I discovered “Annachie Gordon” it’s hard for me to listen to it without my sarcastic brain commenting and criticising the storyline (I basically think looking at it from these days perspective, the heroine, Jeannie, makes an impression of someone quite manipulative, I understand her pain when she was faced with having to live being married to a man she didn’t love instead of her beloved Annachie, but the scene where she falls on her knees before her father and dies looks, well, yeah, manipulative, you start to wonder if she’s going to suddenly rise up as soon as everyone leaves her alone and run away with Annachie as far from lord Sulton and her family as possible. 😀 I know, I know, I’m crazy and overanalysing). I also think life would be so easy if we really could just switch off and die when life throws sh*t at us as in the case of Jeannie and Annachie. But well, it is a ballad. And still, it is a beautiful one. I remember being absolutely fascinated by it, and for some reason because of it I really loved the name Annachie, which, you must admit, is a very unusual name, I’ve never heard in any other context or on anyone other than Annachie Gordon. I’ve even named a character in one of my short stories Annachie after him. Though now my tastes have changed and I think it lacks masculinity and looks like a fancy elaboration of Anna in the style of Annalee or Annamae, but of the more kreativ kind. 😀 Well, I guess it was apparently recreated from some old feminine name actually. Anyway, here’s the song. Hope you’ll enjoy it too. 🙂
It’s been centuries since I last participated in
at Melanie’s. I guess the last time was around… Christmas? That’s what I can remember, which is a shame because I used to participate in SYW pretty regularly and it’s fun. The questions this week are really cool so here goes, and if you’d like to participate too head over to her blog. 🙂
Additional Gratitude Bonus Question: Who has been the kindest to you in your life? – The kindest? Like throughout my whole life? My Mum I think. Dunno where I’d be without her, but I’ve written about that many times before.
Hi guys. 🙂
The song I have for you today is from Swedish singer Janice Kamya Kavander, known simply as Janice. She’s becoming very popular in Sweden, and there is something powerful in her voice. I am generally not like a big fan of very soul-like sounding voices, except for Amy Winehouse and maybe a couple other people, but I do like Janice and her expressiveness. And I must say this particular song really moved me when I heard it.
It is about, or to, Janice’s dad, who died five years ago. For me, when I first heard her, she sounded rather mature, as her voice is so strong and expressive, but turns out she’s only 24, so she was 19 when her dad died. That’s very early and no wonder it affected her even more than it would affect someone later on in life. And this song is so full of expression, I think it’s hard to not feel even just a little bit moved. There are lots of versions on Youtube, but I like it particularly in the acoustic version, which is only on Spotify, so, again, I have to only give you the link to Spotify.