I just “loove” weird, scary dreams.

So as I wrote yesterday, today it is my Dad’s name day. We expected quite a lot of people to come in, my Mum’s and Dad’s family and Dad’s friend, but it’s a few minutes after seven now as I’m starting to write this and as for now only my aunt with her family visited us late in the afternoon and now there is Dad’s coworker and I think that will be all, and, to be honest, I am happy about that and my Mum is too, although we are both happy for different reasons. I am happy as I hate crowds and all related things, my Mum is happy because she won’t have to make as much food as she thought she’d have too.

I’m having quite a good day today and it would be really great if not my leg, which is still burning, and very poor sleep I had last night. Straight after I wrote yesterday’s post, I went to bed, just to lie for a while with Misha, as I was really tired of all that pain and all and maybe nap for half an hour or so. But I fell asleep and slept really heavily so that didn’t even hear poor Misha meowing to let him out, but luckily my Dad did. Finally my Mum woke me up at 11 PM asking me if I am going to sleep the whole night through in my dress and day clothes ’cause she doesn’t really think it is a good idea lol. As it wasn’t my intention and I also didn’t think it’s a very good idea, I showered and had a cup of tea, but then was awoken for too long I guess to fall in such heavy sleep again. So after some time I gave up and started to play with Misha, who is in a very friendly mood now again and acts really weird as for him and seems almost overly sociable. 😀 I can’t figure him out, I think. We both finally fell asleep around four, but now I think I could as well stay awake until all the civilised people in my time zone will wake up too, ’cause as soon as I fell asleep, I fell in the swirl of totally weird, scary and exhausting dreams with some extra attractions like sleep paralysis and false awakenings, I don’t know how many of them I had, but really really many and some part of my brain which stayed more or less conscious all the time when I was having these dreams was wondering whether actually I will ever wake up for sure.

It was like dozens of pretty realistic scenarios of my day, but each of them was very dark and scary, even though seemed normal, but everything around felt so incredibly gloomy and ominous and there always was a moment when suddenly lots of creepy things started to happen, most often pretty speciffic things, but I don’t feel very comfortable talking about it in detail, and deep down I always knew that actually I am still sleeping, but once those creepy things started to happen I knew it for sure. There were often moments I wanted to wake up or test whether it’s a dream or reality, but I either couldn’t move or my brain was playing tricks on me or everything was too foggy. I wanted to scream, but I know I didn’t, even though I dreamed I did but just no one heard me. I wanted to do so ’cause I thought then someone will come and wake me up. I was probably much more scared in all these dreams than it was worth it, I always am, in these dreams I was even thinking that now I will always be really afraid to fall asleep and wondered if I will ever truly believe I woke up, I was more frustrated and exhausted when I finally woke up, than scared and I often have much more scary dreams, but still, it was scary and I am glad Misha was with me, even though I didn’t think of it while having these dreams and I don’t think it could help me if I knew it then, but, you know, when you wake up and you realise you wasn’t physically completely alone in all that, it makes a slight, but comforting difference. Even though Misha wasn’t conscious at all what’s going on with me and I suppose no one would be. I hate waking up alone after such shit.

So it was half past seven when they finally let me alone and then Misha wanted to go out so I let him, but I was very exhausted after those dreams so I took a risk and decided to try to get back to sleep and maybe get some healthy sleep.

I didn’t have dreams like that, but I know I dreamed about something which frightened me, but it wasn’t any form of lucid dream luckily now, so I don’t remember it. But I didn’t really feel well-rested when I woke up. I slept until nine, but as I said I feel like I could as well not sleep at all. Hope tonight it will be better.

My Mum wanted to go shopping with Zofijka and I decided to go with them ’cause otherwise I would be home alone just with Misha, my Dad was working outside and Olek was at work. I like to be home alone, I really enjoy it, but I truly hate it when I’m particularly anxious or had some scary dreams. So we went for some groceries and bought a present for Dad, Zofijka wanted to buy some books and I went with my Mum to our mobile network operator to change my phone number. I felt like I needed to do it for some time already, just for safety reasons, as I have a friend from my school who was getting on my nerves recently, calling me or writing to me on every possible communicator and wanting me to do different things for her. I mean, it’s not like I don’t like helping people or it bothers me if people want a lot from me, but it was like she couldn’t accept I have other things in life of more importance to do than make her happy and be always available for her, she always seemed very hurt when I couldn’t or didn’t want to do something for her, and I felt like she takes a lot of people’s helpfullness for granted. Plus I don’t have good memories from the school and she just loved to talk about it and recall old, in her view, good times whenever we were talking. So at some point I realised that for my own well-being I definitely need to cut her off. And so I did. And life seems much more peaceful now, and although I feel a lot of sympathy for her, because she seems to be a very lonely person and I suppose I hurt her, I don’t regret my decision much, I never felt close enough to her to regret it. One thing I regret is that with cutting her off, I had to cut off or limit contacts with some other people from the same environment, with whom I maybe wasn’t best friends, but we liked each other. But I know they wouldn’t understand why I feel so uncomfortable around that girl and why I want to avoid her. Sometimes unfortunately it is so that when you make a choice and you know it is right, some of the consequences might be a bit hard, but as I said, none of those folks were my best friends, they were just nice people I liked and who as I suppose liked me in return. Luckily we don’t close to each other with that girl, we are in two different part of the country, so technically cutting her off was very easy.

When we got home I did a few Welsh lessons and I absorbed quite a lot of vocabulary today which I am proud of.

I also spent quite a lot of time with Zofijka and Misha.

I hope you all are having a nice Saturday.

Oh wow, I would never believe that writing a simple post will take me so much time! :O It’s already after 10 PM. But I always multitask and did a lot in the meantime, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. Sometimes when I was writing some longer posts with some of my more complex musings for my Polish blogs, writing the whole post could take me even a few days, so it’s my normal, I guess.

I think I’ll soon be off to sleep, so wish me good luck. 😉 I hope this night won’t be so scary and Misha will be so good and sleep with me. And I wish nice dreams to all of you who will go to sleep soon as well.

Ugh, again? Some general update and a little health ramble.

Today it would be a really nice day for me, if not the fact I’m feeling really crappy physically.
Remember when last week I was writing about my emotional crisis I had on my birthday? I wrote it can be partially due to PMS and now I am sure it was true. Only why I have to feel PMS symptoms for more than a week before the actual time of surfing the crimson wave? Luckily emotionally I am much more stable than then and I hope it’ll continue, ’cause that was scary.
But OK, I can fully understand that aunt Ruby or Flo or whatever is her name, has her own rights, but why my leg is not cooperative either? Seriously, I am starting to worry, or at least wonder.
I got a weird and pretty painful wound on my calf and what is the more weird about it that a year ago I had an almost exactly looking wound on my other calf. Same was two years ago on the same leg as now, but not exactly in the same place as now. And moreover as far as I remember it was also in February, ’cause it was close to my Dad’s name day and it was annoyingly hard to heal. I had no idea where I could get it, it was like totally out of no where, so that my Mum even thought it may be some ulcer, which scared me, but when I went to my GP with it, she said it’s just a form of infection. I remember that last year it finally healed in April. So now I think it must be something chronic and I think I’ll need to visit someone who could tell me more than my GP. I was even wondering ’cause people with diabetes have issues with skin regeneration and I am apparently at a higher risk ’cause I was taking growth hormone in childhood and people on the both sides of my family have diabetes, but because I was taking that hormone I have tests about once a year and they were as good as always recently. I really want to know, even just of curiosity, what it is. Plus it pisses me off. My leg is hurting so much since a few days that even walking for a longer distance is a bit challenging. I discovered that it’s back with me when I went shopping with my Mum on Tuesday and then we went for a longer walk almost around our whole town and when we came back my calf started to burn horribly.
And it is also shitty because yesterday I was meant to go horse riding. I didn’t ride for a really really long time now, since Christmas, I believe, so I fell out of the routine completely. But my instructor is a very busy person, she is not only a horse riding instructor and hypotherapist, but also a doctor – anasthesiologist and neurologist and recently also works on ER a lot. Plus she has her own, big family and it always surprises me how she can manage it all and before now I could ride pretty regularly once a week unless she had to go to ER. I like the fact that she is a neurologist ’cause we can talk a lot about the brain and related stuff which i always appreciate, I’ve learnt a lot from her and it is thanks to her that I realised that if I could see, I would most probably end up as a brain surgeon. Anyway, back to my horse riding, she texted me on Wednesday evening she finally was able to schedule an hour on Thursday for me and asked me whether I’d like to go. It hurt me but I felt so excited that I impulsively wrote that yes sure I will come, but yesterday morning the pain was big enough that I realised it won’t be anything neither pleaasant nor beneficial if I went riding, I could easily make it hurt even more and I wouldn’t do a good job ’cause even my muscles around the wound were hurting.
I find life much more boring without riding. As for now I use Rivanol and tea tree oil to treat it but surely will end up on antibiotic as last year, I just didn’t go to any doctor yet.
Tomorrow is my Dad name day. You know what name day is? I know there are only a few countries now which celebrate it so if you don’t know, it’s basically the day when your patron saint has his/her feast. It’s a purely Christian tradition but now it’s celebrated just like your second birthday or something. Just another opportunity to eat as much as possible and have your family gathered together. There are all name days listed in Polish calendars, although they differ slightly and you probably won’t find exactly the same names under the same dates in two different calendars, but there are some conventional dates. Tomorrow is the name day of Elwira, Jacek, Jacenty and Scholastyka and therefore my Dad who is Jacek (or Hyacinth in English) is having his name day. It’s a bit weird to me though because saint Hyacinth who has his feast day tomorrow is almost unknown while we have another saint Hyacinth who was Polish and whose feast day is celebrated in August and he is much more known, so if I was my Dad, I would pick my name day to be in August on that other saint Hyacinth’s day, but I think it doesn’t matter that much for most people.
So tomorrow we will have even bigger family gathering than it was on my birthday and there will also be my Dad’s friends and I hope I won’t have to endure another emotional crisis. My poor Mum is in the kitchen almost all day long. She isn’t preparing that much food, but my Dad will have a big toffi cake. Ridiculous, because he can’t stand anything sweet. 😀 But we love toffi cake. Me, Zofijka, Olek and my Mum kind of likes it as well. And I am sure all the guests will be happy with it too. Toffi is such a delicious thing to eat. Will share with you tomorrow lol.
Now I am listening to Welsh music all the time, as it is Welsh Language Music Day today, so I definitely need to celebrate it. I’ve also learnt some Welsh today. But now I think I will go and nap for a while, ’cause my leg is hurting, my abdomen is hurting, my head is hurting and I feel quite miserable physically.
How are you guys doing? Any nice plans for the weekend? Maybe you’re celebrating something as well? Anyway, whatever you’re doing, I wish you a great weekend.