Still without my laptop.

Hi guys! πŸ™‚
So yeah it’s just as in the title, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it fixed very soon. It looks like it’s more an issue with the sound in general than with the screen-reader, and yesterday I called the IT specialist to ask him to look at it again, and I told him roughly what’s going on. He said he can’t come earlier than tomorrow 6 PM but even he agreed with me that it looks pretty bizarre, so I don’t expect it to be fixed right away as neither me nor him have any idea about what’s causing it at the moment.
So as you can imagine I’m pretty bored already, though luckily I have tons of books and still have some of my music, a lot of music actually, but not my entire collection, on my PlexTalk, and of course what’s the most important I have Misha, who really helps me when he’s around because mentallyI feel rather crappy, havinglots of memories and weird dreams because of September coming very soon and in this situation I’m in now it’s hard to distract, plus feeling ratherisolated doesn’t help even though in most cases I find my own company to be just enough.
Our two little cousins are here with Zofijka and Mum’s going with them to the amusement park soon. Yuck! Anyone else hating amusement parks? I hate them fiercely, probably just because of my screwed k_p labyrinthum and that I was forced to go there at school at some special occasionsbecause it’s “fun”. πŸ˜€ Though I am happy they’re having fun, Zofijka loves amusement parks and she doesn’t seem to be as lucky as I was and it’s rare for her to be able to goto them often.
Misha wants to say he had a breathtaking adventure yesterday, being able to hang out with the magpies through the window. Mum says he’s poor, because they clearly laughed at him and looked like they screamed at him to go away, but he doesn’t think he’s poor, he wasn’t afraid of them and didn’t care about them making fun of him, he was happy to have some other beings than humansto interact with, and seemed very agitated because of that, but s also very brave and courageous, and if you openedthewindow,I’m really not sure whether it would be Misha who’d run away first. He still seems to be a little agitated and often looks at the window as if he wanted them to come back.
Yesterday I finally got my packet of treats from that online shop I told you about in the last Music Monday Care & Love. I waited for it about a week so much longer than the last time I was buying snacks and sweets at their shop, but never mind. The Jalapeno Pepper Jack Lay’s are way too addictive, yesterday just me and Zofijka, with a really little help from our cousins, ate one pack of them. That led us tothe conclusion that if we livedin the US we’d eat “the Jack chips” for every meal. πŸ˜€ Don’t think I’d really want it and I wouldn’t like to see how fat we’d be then, but hey, everyone can dream and not have to fear it may ever come true, right? πŸ˜€
And on Sunday we all also had lots of delicious food, way more healthy. We went to the pizzeria nearby, it’s a pizzeria but you can eat much more there than just pizzas and related stuff, it’s pretty much like a restaurant and we really like it. And we had a big dinner, or actually a lunch, as it was rather early. I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I had very low BP and feeling a bit rubbish and I thought I’m anything but hungry, but finally I went too and I suddenly s very very hungry so that I even helped my Mum with her food, although I oftenstruggle to eat all of mine as they make really big dishes. We were all glad overall.
I’m sorryI haven’t been reading much of your blogs lately, that sucks, and I don’tknow whether I’ll be catchingup on absolutely everything when I get my computer fixed as it’ll probably be a whole lot of posts, but I don’thave the access to my email from Braille-Sense, so I can’t be up to date with all of your blogs, but I hope I’ll be soon. πŸ™‚
OK so that’d be all from me, hope you’re having a goodweek and more productive than mine haha.

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to another

Weekend Coffee Share.

Grab some coffee, or whatever else you prefer, and join in. It’s much cooler now than even yesterday morning, which I am very glad about, and Misha is too. Though his sleeping patterns remain unchanged so far. He’s still asleep. I told you last week that I’ll have almond milk for this weekend’s coffee share to share with you (doesn’t Weekend Almond Milk Share sound way more sophisticated than plain Weekend Coffee Share? πŸ˜‰ ), but I don’t have it. I just ended up not doing any shopping, so yeah, maybe next week. Hope no one feels too disappointed haha.

I wrote a bit of an update a few days ago so you already know a lot about what I’ve been up to this week, if you don’t know and want to catch up just go

Here.

If we were having coffee I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I contacted on Thursday didn’t write back to me yet but I’m still hopeful. I was a little concerned because I couldn’t find anyone else in my area doing psychodynamic therapy if she wouldn’t respond, but yesterday I found out about a clinic in Gdynia which specialises in it, so I might contact them next week if I’ll need to. Gdynia is further from me, not far but not particularly close either, so I’d also have to ask Mum what she thinks about it, if I would have to have therapy there.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday in the afternoon we got a lot of rain and storms and that’s such a huge relief to me, because this heat was really overwhelming. Summer is nice, and warm weather is nice, but oh God, please, 36 C?! Isn’t that crazy?! The question is obviously rhetorical, it’s devastating.

And as we are talking about that, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that due to that weather we had I suspended my Welsh for a while. I mean my Welsh course, if you’re learning a language and doing it for fun you usually learn something every day, no matter if you’re doing your usual lessons or not. At first I wanted to be bold and still do it, despite I usually feel really crappy physically in the heat, but then I decided it doesn’t make much sense to just play a hero for the sake of playing a hero since I won’t learn much this way and I stopped it. Today though there was no reason to prolong it so I did my Welsh challenge, despite the break it went pretty wel. Then I went to show off to our learners’ community and one of the people asked me so why won’t you do another one then? I hesitated for a while, felt lazy and not quite like doing it but decided to do so anyway. So yeah I did another one, it went by even quicker than the first one and it felt like I was even better at it than at the first one lol. My new favourite welsh word is o ddifrif (o THEE-Vree, the dd is pronounced like th in the, the f is pronounced like v and the f at the end is silent), which means seriously, and ddifrifol (thee-VREE-vol) which means serious. It doesn’t sound serious at all, does it? πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a brilliant, lovely dream last night, involving my current music crush Gwilym. And OMG it was so vivid. Well, all my dreams are vivid, most of them at least, which can be both fantastic and shitty, but it was just so… I don’t even know how to call it haha, let’s just say wonderful anyway. It made me feel really good, as my crush dreams always do, but it didn’t stop the anxiety that I still feel somewhat since that last sleep paralysis to creep into my mind again pretty soon after I woke up. I try to not care though, or pretend I don’t so that it won’t get the satisfaction at least, and despite the anxiety I feel pretty positive today.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you tomorrow is a sort of our parish church’s day, it is a thing in Catholic churches in Poland – each one has its patron saint and the day that is this saint’s feast day, they celebrate it with a lot of splendor, but also in a kind of rustic way, even in the cities, and to be honest, I usually don’t like all those celebrations, they feel very trashy to me. One of our patron saints is saint Roch, his feast day will be soon, but the celebrations are tomorrow for us, he is also a patron saint of animals, as far as I can remember there was some sort of legend that after his death he went to heaven with his dog. And because of it, among all the usual trashy stuff, there is also an interesting tradition in our church, namely pets are blessed and consecrated. Mum and me were last year with Misha (we were joking it was his christening hahaha), and I think we will go this year too. It always makes him a bit nervous because he doesn’t go out much and there are lots of other animals and he doesn’t have much contact with other animals, but also it is one of the few opportunities for him to get out and be safe with us, and he still likes to go out, as he often manifests very clearly. πŸ˜€ Plus I think it is a cool habit. Some people tend to think animals are some sort of worse kind of creatures, my Dad even thinks it’s a profanity to pray for a pet for example when it’s sick, and yes there certainly are some limits and I don’t say we should do with pets or allow them to do just the same things humans do, but they’re also God’s creations, good natured and often much more innocent than humans, so why such little things as praying or blessing them could be a profanity? I’d rather agree with Lucy Maud Montgomery who said something like that we can pray for anything we love, I guess Judy Plum said it in “Pat Of The Silverbush”. She was Presbyterian but I don’t think it makes much difference in this case, actually I think that Catholic faith is more emotional and stuff so we should think so and practice it as well. I am sure that God also created Misha with some sort of purrpose and loves him, it wasn’t just an accident that Misha appeared in the world, otherwise He wouldn’t make him so beautiful, so He must care about him. Plus I am strongly convinced that God has a sense of humour, a very good one, though a bit too ironical at times, and if someone has a good sense of humour they can’t have such stiff rules as my Dad does, don’t you think? πŸ˜€

OK, I think I’ll go now, I think I’ll turn on some music and go to Dreamland for a while, I’mΒ  feeling like it and don’t have anything much better to do today, and that seems to be a cool idea anytime.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

 

A little update.

How is everyone doing? πŸ™‚

As for me, it’s just OK, better or worse depending on an area. I told you before that my anxiety has lessened, that anxiety flare up I got after those scary dreams, and it’s true, it’s much better now, I felt like I’m going to get rid of it very soon, but it’ still is somewhere, kinda fluctuating and sometimes getting really nasty during night time. I mean it’s always somewhere in the background but doesn’t affect me that much usually on a daily basis as it does lately, and it doesn’t usually last so long with such intensity, after I got sleep paralysis and those nightmares previously I was usually able to recover pretty quickly. But at least, although slower than usual, it’s going better, so I really really hope I’m going to recover of it soon and function normally, because it is a bit concerning to me. And I still can remember the dreams I had that last time clearly, which doesn’t make it any better. Usually they’d fade away with time and I wouldn’t remember them in details, but now I do remember those I had last time. It scares the shit out of me if I’m honest. If it’s going to be this way next time I’m seriously gonna try some antidepressant, even if it doesn’t help everyone, but maybe will help me. If it’s going to be that intense in the future I’m not sure I can cope just on my own.

But other than the anxiety, I had a pretty good day today. Dad is at work (which I’m secretly very glad about, he has a very irregular work schedule and now he had a bit less than a week off work, and I think all of us, except for Zofijka, who was away on holidays, got tired of his constant nagging, complaining and arguing, and provoking others, he’s a good guy and I love him, but he can be really annoying), so Mum and Zofijka and me went to the beach today. We had fun. It’s roasting today so that’s I guess what most people here was doing today, there were quite a lot of people on the beach. We were playing in the water with Sofi, she was swimming – she is such an awesome swimmer! – we all laughed a lot. Only my Mum didn’t have as much fun as she could have because she’s still having that weird ear infection, now in both ears, which is very painful and not only her ears but also head and jaw are throbbing. So she was in pain and couldn’t go into the water, and had to be away from the wind, but at the same time not in the sun, because she’d be all roasted, which was hard to achieve, as it was rather windy by the sea today. But me and Sofi were almost constantly in the water, even though I can’t swim that well, and certainly not as well as she can, but that was still very cool. As we were going to head home, there came a family with four kids, three girls and a boy, the latter was particularly screamy and attention-seeking. He constantly shouted to his mum from the water, repeating one thing ALL the time, like every five seconds, so that it started to be annoying. Occasionally he screamed something to his sisters, so we quickly got to know that their names are pretty peculiar, or maybe not peculiar themselves, but as a sibset. Ela, Ola and Ula… Doesn’t sound cool? πŸ˜€ If Mum (or brother) is calling them from somewhere further, I’m sure they have to be confused which one they’re actually calling. Of course I found it very interesting and amusing. Then when we finally went home, they left too, and as there was a bit of a distance from the beach to the parking, we were going close enough to each other to hear what each other were saying. And this little boy was talking all the time, this time something else, while his poor mum was pretending to be deaf, in hopes he’ll feel bored soon. I started to wonder whether his name isn’t Oli, as it would match the girls perfectly, and whether too matchy names of siblings can have any influence on their behaviour. πŸ˜€ Then we finally headed to the parking and I went to my car seat. Unluckily, our cars, ours and that matchy family’s, were very close and I didn’t estimate the distance properly, and when I was opening the door, with a little bit too much dash, I accidentally hit them, I mean their car obviously. Not too much but still. I said to the mum that I’m very sorry, but I guess her nerves were way too tense already. “What do you think beep beep beep can’t you see?!!!”. “You guessed it I can’t”. “Uh… emmm… I’m sorry… I… didn’t know…” at the same time the boy ran away wanting to show something to Ula, so his poor mum could have an excuse to be occupied with something else. I don’t think she needed one, for me the topic was finished, but it was clear she was very embarrassed. So she shouted at him, and guess what… “Ooooooliiiiiiivieeeeer, come back! We’re going hoooome!”. Me and Zofijka, we were laughing like crazy. OMG he’s really an Oli! Lucky for him, it’s not his full name, as I was concerned it could be. Zofijka asked me how I guessed it… I wonder too… I certainly wouldn’t think it could be his name for sure, I was just joking! And as for the seeing or not seeing, it was embarrassing indeed, I mean the accident, until it started to be ridiculous for me, and then I actually realised it’s a compliment for me, that she asks whether I can see or not. My Mum says that when people see me, it’s clear to them that I can’t… So I was quite surprised.

I had therapy yesterday and I talked to my therapist about the concerns I had regarding therapy about which I wrote in last coffee share post, that I am not making much progress since we started or actually maybe even before, back when I’ve had only phone checkins with my previous therapist, in some areas I actually feel like I regressed a bit if I’m honest, like with the severity of my anxiety for example, I feel like I’m back at the same point at where I started years ago. Sure there were many difficult situations for me this year, but still, I feel quite concerned with it. I also told her that I wonder whether now as I am in a more stable situation and can focus directly on some healing more, whether indeed CBT is something for me. Because I have an inkling I should do more with the past stuff, since it’s clearly where all or most of my brain shit comes from, directly or not. I told her that I am not sure about it but that if she shares my feelings I’d be willing to try something new, like psychodynamic maybe, or gestalt, as I feel the latter could help me with my insecurities and stuff. I asked her if she had the same feelings and she told me she doesn’t know where I was before, but as long as we are working together, which will be 3 months later in August, she can’t say I did any big progress. She told me that for her it seems that I have lots of emotional blockades, mostly unconscious, and maybe indeed psychodynamic therapy or something similar would be worth a try with this, though she admitted she never actually thought about it before, she only thought that I may benefit from some longer lasting therapy as there seems to be a lot to do. On the other hand, she said, that my own way of looking at my achievements and failures is often somewhat disordered because of my self-esteem and such, so I may not be objective here, and I agreed, I don’t think I can be objective either, even though despite having AVPD and all that I don’t feel like I’m a perfectionist and want to achieve too much. She told me that if I have such feelings, then I should listen to my gut, first and foremost, and if I’d later realise it’s not for me, like that it doesn’t make it any better that I know the root causes of some things, or if it would feel too overwhelming, I can come back to her and she’d be happy to work with me again, because she is sure that in the right conditions I am able to heal. Overall it was a good conversation. We will be staying in touch now and I’ll let her know when I’ll find someone possibly nearby who would be willing to work with me – I hope I’m not going to go through what it was with language teachers, who were running away screaming one after another scared of the fact that I’m blind before even meeting me. I’ve actually found a psychodynamic therapist who is pretty close to where I live, I emailed her today, and I hope she;ll get back to me. What may be an issue is that I probably won’t get funding for it, as I did for therapy with the therapist I’m working with now, but well if it’s going to help me then I think it’s worth it, even if I’m going to spare all my savings for the future –
which by the way I don’t think would provide me financial security for too long if I was to live on my own.

I also talked to my Mum, and that didn’t go so smoothly. We have significant issues with communication when it comes to talking about this kinda stuff, like my mental issues and all the related shit. I think in a way she doesn’t understand it, why I’ve been reacting to things the way I’ve been (which I don’t fully understand myself either), and partly she blames herself for some things that happened to me or some things she didn’t do for me or didn’t notice. Well I don’t see any blame on her side and never blamed her, even though was angry a lot at her, but I know it well myself it’s hard to just tell someone it’s not their fault, unfortunately it’s way more complicated than that usually, even if someone is as mentally healthy as my Mum, I guess. Then on the other hand I am frustrated that she doesn’t understand me, and I blame myself that I am so squeamish, and generally my communication with people is NUTS, and so it goes around, despite best intentions of us both. Sucks.

So I’ d rather spare you the details of our lovely conversation, no, it wasn’t furious or anything, just frustrating and quite icky. But overall she agreed that I need to do something with myself and be functional again (as if I ever was!!!) and if I feel like this therapy isn’t working that much, I should try something different.

Yeeah poor my Mum, I feel so sorry for her, although I probably should feel sorry for myself. πŸ˜€

I haven’t seen Misha AT ALL today. I mean, OK, I did see him, when he was eating, and then I saw him close to my room, as if he hesitated whether to come in, seems like he decided not to, but he always hesitates for ages before doing something. And that was all. I haven’t snugled him or talked to him or anything, and I quite miss him, but I looked for him around the house and couldn’t find him and no one knows where he is. I’m not worried, he surely sleeps somewhere possibly cool, but it’s a bit sad here without my little mishievous kid.

Oh, and particularly for those who haven’t checked my yesterday song of the day post and don’t know, yesterday I had a big holiday. It was my previous music crush’s Cornelis Vreeswijk’s 81st birthday, or it would be if he lived, anyway, when there are my crushes’ days, something relating to them particularly, I either get a major crush peak and am over the moon for quite a while, or if it’s one of the previous crushes then it is sorta more present in my life, like more activated for a while again. So yesterday I was translating Vreeswijk’s poems again, to celebrate the holiday somehow, completely absorbed by my vreeswijkosis and mumbling to myself in Swedish for an entire day. And yaaaaayyyyy!!! I managed, with a lot of hardship, but at least as much of enjoyment, to finish my translation of “Den BlΓ₯a DrΓΆmmen” (The Blue Dream). It helped me a lot with the anxiety to immerse in something so fully, which rarely happes to me, and yeah it felt so so brilliant. It looks so well. I am curious what my friend Jacek – the one who died because of osteosarcoma and who was writing the book about vikings – would say about that. He was always so agitated seeing my translations, he wanted to see even tiny little bits of them, even the worse ones, because he was always so curious. I am so proud of my translation, wonder how long it will last until I will start to see any errors in it haha. I mean, I started it years and years ago, but was stuck and not able to finish, and there were glaring errors, so glaring that if Cornelis knew Polish and was still alive, and read my scribbles, it’d surely kill him. Now I just polished it and after reading and rereading and rereading more the original version, thinking and thinking and making my brain boil, I finally came up with a decent, rhythmically compatible end for the verse I’ve started, and then wrote the last. I just thought I’d sit at it until I’ll come up with something, after all it’s not that difficult, it can’t be, it’s just a little folkloristic piece, almost a childish one, very sweet and almost naive and pretty short as well, certainly not one of the greatest by Vreeswijk, if I can’t manage with something like this, than how can I do anything more ambitious? Yes, with my languages, I am a perfectionist. And that is the only area. I showed it to my Mum and Zofijka came in as I read it and she was like: “Wow, did you write it?” haahahahahahahahahaha it was brilliant. πŸ˜€ Me, lol. Couldn’t stop laughing for quite a while.

OK, so I guess I’ll be finishing, as it’s definitely no longer little I guess, even as for my writing standards.

Sleep well, or have a great day, and I hope you’re OK. πŸ™‚ Misha just came in so I’m also sending Mishpurrs and Mishcuddles.


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If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Welcome to another coffee share. We’ve had some rain today so it’s cooler (a little bit), but still I’d rather recommend ice coffee than normal hot coffee.

If we were having coffee I’d ask everyone of you how you’re doing and what’s been going on for you…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather rough week, particularly last days of it, but I’ll get into it later on.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it was my aunt’s 40th birthday on Monday. I supposed she’d be doing something massive as it would be quite her style but there was only a small, or relatively small, family gathering. I planned not to go and just phone her and wish her happy birthday, but eventually I decided to go because she wouldn’t answer. We aren’t really getting along too well with that aunt, despite she’s my God mother and it wasn’t always this way, I guess our personalities clash totally and in a way are too similar, but on the other hand we’re too different in other aspects at the same time. And there was a minor but quite nasty incident with her that regarded me which left me feeling quite unstable, but I got over it rather quickly since it’s rather about her issues than mine or anyone else’s.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve started some collaboration with Nameberry. Don’t know yet what if anything will come out of it long term, but as you could notice I wrote a guest post for their blog. It was a lot of fun and I feel quite excited about it, and proud of myself cause I think the post is really good.

The following few paragraphs may be a bit lengthy and might feel hard or perhaps potentially triggering for someone, so if you feel uncomfortable just skip them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had an awful, absolutely shitty day on Thursday. I just thought my brain will explode with anxiety, even on my extra anxiety meds, it was just nuts. That night my Mum couldn’t sleep so she came to me – ’cause if anyone can’t sleep in this house it’s of course usually me so she usually comes to me when she can’t sleep and checks if I’m up too so we can share the pain haha. She took a mattress with her and said it’s very hot in her room and whether she could sleep in mine, so I agreed. There was my poor Braille-Sense charging and the light was flickering so I told her she can switch it off and she did. Then we both fell asleep and slept rather soundly. But at like 6 Braille-Sense couldn’t stand it any longer and woke us up that it wants to eat. It’s so old it literally can’t make it without a recharger, even when you don’t do anything to him, a total addict. So I jumped out of the bed to shut him up immediately. Unfortunately Mum woke up too and decided it’s time for her to get up. We chatted for a while and she went out, I still felt quite sleepy though so went back to bed. Despite sleepiness, I couldn’t fall asleep for like 15 minutes, maybe a bit more. Usually, when I wake up at night but still want to get back to sleep but the break is too long, like 30 minutes or longer, and I still can’t fall asleep, I don’t try anymore, because then I usually end up with sleep paralysis. But it was just like about 15 minutes and I definitely felt like I still could use some sleep. I guess my brain was in a rather malicious mood and it wouldn’t let me. Instead, I did fall into sleep paralysis. Sometimes it lasts longer, I can notice when I float away and with some physical and mental effort get away from there, but this time it all just happened so rapidly, plus like I said I felt sleepy so didn’t fully realise when my sleepiness turned out into floatiness and everything felt distant, gloomy. It was only when I felt that awful, huge wave of anxiety washing over me, actually filling in the atmosphere arund me, that I realised what’s going on, and it was way too late. My brain felt tired and floaty, my consciousness started to change in that weird way and my limbs felt heavy. I started to feel dizzy and slip down into the darkness with light speed, I actually never was falling so quickly before, or can’t remember.

I won’t go into details as for what happened next, I mean as for the exact content, because it’s incredibly hard to describe those, hm, “dreams”, first because it’s just all so abstractive, elusive, subjective, but also because it’s just too scary. Sometimes I feel I maybe should write about it in detail somewhere or talk to someone but it’s always too scary and way too hard to describe. But what I can tell you is that it was al full of anxiety, doom and gloom. I feel like maybe in other circumstances it wouldn’t be so scary, it’s mainly just the atmosphere of anxiety and inevitable danger around that makes it so horrifying, most of the anxiety provoking things are actually things I was very afraid of in childhood, now either not so much (in real life) or I just don’t have contact with these things anymore. These dreams are full of very anxiety provoking, aggressive sounds, don’t know if they’d sound so for everyone, but so are they for me, often with very intricate, gloomy harmonies. All those anxiety stimuli are actually weirdly personified, they’re all like real people, spirting with hatred towards me and doing everything in their might to make me feel more helpless.

Besides all those anxieties, there’s also often some plot in those dreams, often very chaotic and consisting of single, not related, scary events, although I’ve been having those dreams since very early childhood and at the beginning they were always very schematic and predictable.

I actually don’t know if it’s exactly sleep paralysis, because people who have sleep paralysis usually seem to have full consciousness, while in my case it’s like I’m half-conscious most of the time, and often things that happen in the outside world mix quite creepily with my dreams. Sometimes I am only aware that I am dreaming, or sometimes I have sort of two perspectives – one is inner where I only see what’s in my dreams, and another is where I only can see what’s on the outside, can hear the music, people talking, but obviously can’t interact or anything. Sometimes I know I am dreaming but I don’t know what’s going on on the outside and my brain makes up things that don’t happen, but are very, very, very realistic. Also, people with sleep paralysis often have a sensation that someone or something is literaly sitting on them, like they feel strong pressure which makes breathing harder. For me breathing in those dreams is often very difficult but I had this pressure only once, however I’ve had the motive of someone assailing me, knocking me off, wanting to harm me physically, not letting me move etc. But I too, like many people with this condition often feel some sense of someone’s presence before I fully fall into it and am having other sorts of delusions before it really starts. Besides those people with sleep paralysis I know of usually feel very frustrated with not being able to move, they are aware they can’t move, while I often am not aware that I can’t. I see myself doing different things in dreams, hear myself screaming, fighting with my dream “friends”, getting up, etc. while in fact nothing happens and I’m just lying. Sometimes it may be that I dream I am going to my Mum to help me, and then another creepy thing happens, making me realise I’m still at the very same dead point I was before and no one is going to help me except for myself. I dream I am turning on music on my Plextalk to get rid of the nasty sounds and the anxiety but of course since I can’t move my hands I don’t do it in reality, so either my Plextalk also is against me, or doesn’t work, or something creepy happens. Also some other things don’t look exactly like sleep paralysis but I don’t know what else it could be and still it’s incredibly similar to what I experience so that’s why I call it this way, since I didn’t know for years what it actually is, I just thought everyone’s nightmares look this way for a long time.

And what’s very characteristic to those dreams for me lately, and the most exhausting I guess, are false awakenings. I just hate them so much.

If you don’t know what a false awakening is, although I guess it’s pretty easy to guess, imagine that you sleep happily, or not happily, doesn’t matter, then you get up as every normal human being, do your morning routines, go out to work, or do whatever else, and out of the blue you realise you’ve beenΒ  in your bed all the time and it was just a dream. Incredibly realistic, with all the things you do during the day, just in the same order as you do them, with people saying normal things, the only abnormal thing being it was just a dream. And, if you’re particularly lucky and dreamy, then it can go over and over and over again. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast… back in bed…

And so it is often for me, only that if it happens during sleep paralysis, it occurs in a very scary form.

I scream, fight, run away, choke, fall down, rise up, do whatever to just survive, and then… boom! it’s as if you fell down from somewhere high on your bed. Oh, great, so I’m awake! Thanks Goodness, finally! Get up, get dressed, feed Misha, and suddenly… hmm, where did actually Misha disappear? he was right in front of me a second ago wasn’t he? But now it’s not Misha, but one of my dream “friends” right in front of me, laughing at me like crazy, everything is dizzy and I slip back right where I was before. Etc. etc. etc. in the same pattern.

But most often it’s like I am in there, in my dreams, and desperately want to get back to life, try to move, test whether everything around me is real or not, do anything to get rid of the floatiness in my brain and get closer to the real world. I often hear people calling me, like my Mum waking me up, even if it is not true, motivate myself to get up and… finally I manage. I am glad, but still the anxiety flows everywhere I feel floaty, and often even like I was still in some way paralysed, like I wouldn’t have much control over my moves or something. But I try to not care, or ignore it completely, usually in this situation I go to whoever is around to help me and make me feel safer, although I never do this when I really wake up. They often help me, are very compassionate, sometimes are cruel and turns out they’re collaborating with my dreammates, like when I was a kid I once dreamt that my Mum wanted to cut my foot because they forced her. πŸ˜€ Sometimes they don’t want to cooperate with them but have to, sometimes they’re very willing. Whatever happens though, finally I always slip back there, scared and disappointed, and confused as for what is real. Sometimes it is so that I may live my “normal” life for quite long and then finally realise that something doesn’t really look very realistic and that then it has to mean it is a dream, and then everything starts over with a lot of chaos. Usually then I see some creepy scenes not necessarily with me in one of the main roles, often as an observer. And then again I’m scared and want to wake up, gradually more and more confused as for what is real, am I sleeping or awake, what’s generally going on.

Often after that episode I’m exhausted and fall into very deep, heavy sleep, sometimes it’s completely dreamless and sometimes I have some disturbing bad or weird dreams, but rather mildly bad in comparison to the sleep paralysis. But despite it’s so heavy it’s rarely really good sleep.

When I finally wake up for good, I am usually very puzzled for a little while and obviously usually feel a lot of anxiety, but it usually passes away quickly. I mean, I can be anxious for quite a while, but not as much as when I wake up, when it can be really really high. I usually get over it quickly.

But the last time, that Thursday morning, it waas a hardcore. It lasted for like THREE HOURS, I fel like it was scarier than ever. I have very good dream memory, which is also a blessing in many circumstances, but when I woke up after all that and remembered what I dreamt about, it was hard to get over it and get some distance to it, just feeling relief that it was only a dream. When I wake up for real, after all those false awakenings, I always know well I’m awake and am no longer confused, but last time I started to wonder. What if I am still asleep? Deep down I knew it’s over, but what if not? What if some day I’ll wake up and just won’t be able to tell what’s real from what’s not? It scared me even more.

I went downstairs still feeling a bit floaty from the dream and very scared, tired as if I really was fighting with someone for three hours and unsettled. Mum was in the kitchen and said she couldn’t wait for me to come and that now I am surely well rested after so much sleep. She said she was in my room twice and I slept so heavily. I guess I could hear her once, or it was my imagination.

I usually try not to make too much drama around my dreams because I know there isn’t any universal cure for it and that it always distresses my Mum cause she doesn’t know what to do about it and feels helpless, but this time it was that little bit too much to bear for me. I felt shaky like jelly and couldn’t stop tears from falling so she was quite amazed what’s going on, and it took her a while to get it out of me because I was a real real mess. I took all my anxiety meds, I mean two pills of my basic one and one of the extra med, but I was still shaky, my head was hurting like a bitch, and I felt like a true drama queen because it was actually Mum’s nameday so the guests were about to come. Poor Zofijka was looking around puzzled askign everyone what happened and not getting any consistent answer. Finally I managed to take a long bath and then Mum sent me back to bed although I was really anxious as for that since I didn’t want to get trapped by my beautiful brain again.

I was so tired that I did fall asleep almost immediately but slept very soundly. Things have changed a little bit after I woke up, I mean outside, not so much inside, I was still in pieces and very hypervigilant and all. But felt good enough to get down to the guests for a while and keep a socially decent and logical conversation.

I got back to my room and then I realised the cold, hard truth… the Internet was off! That meant a really hard day for me. After those dreams I am always very sensitive as for silence and can’t stand it, same as some particular sounds. Most of my music was online. Most of things I could do at that moment to distract myself the best were online, particularly now as the guests were in. Smalltalk isn’t particularly stimulating nor distracting for me and I would rather feel bored, and I couldn’t ask my parents for any help as they were with them, and Zofijka was playing with other kids who came in. Misha always escapes when too many people are around, and usually to my room, but when they came I was asleep and my room was closed so he went somewhere else and I didn’t know where he was. So there weren’t many things I could do, I was mostly reading, and listening to music I had, helped Mum in the kitchen afterwards, but was still incredibly tense and overloaded. It was just so horrifying, I haven’t feel such extreme things for a long while before then.

The Internet hasn’t come back even at night, so again I was left to only my own resources, and night was twice as hard, even though sometime later on Misha had mercy on me and came to me. It was nightmare and I had a feeling I’m just going crazy and things won’t be as they were before anymore, that I’ll just always live with such high level of anxiety. Needless to say I didn’t even try to fall asleep, quite the opposite.

The next day it was slightly better though. And you know what turned out then? My brilliant Mum, when she slept in my room, she messed up with the router somehow while she was switching things off. And it only needed to be rebooted. It was funny but also frustrating because I really needed some distraction that day and Mum told me there is probably some more general damage like at our Internet provider or something, so I just accepted it and didn’t even try to fix it myself. πŸ˜€

I was still very anxious, but since I had many more productive things to do then, and some time has passed, it was much more manageable.

And so it is now. I still haven’t recovered fuly from that nasty episode, I feel. But I am a bit more stable and don’t freak out without Misha.

I wonder what was actually going on with those dreams. Was it just an accident it was so long and so rough, just a random thing, or is something changing and it is going to get worse? If so, I think I’ll really need to try hitting it with antidepressants, I once saw a neurologist for that and she said it sometimes works for people, but then I decided I will try to handle it with some better sleep hygiene and stuff. But if you have messed up sleep cycle by nature, regular sleeping and waking up and maintaining sleep hygiene isn’t always that easy, so I guess the time for antidepressants will finaly come sooner or later, even though I haven’t heard about people for whom it would be helpful. But it shouldn’t be harmful, so I guess I’ll try if it’s going to stay this way.

If we were having coffee I’d tel you today is my friend’s 1st death anniversary. Man I still can’t believe he’s dead. I never told you about that, I feel weird talking about his death still, not like I can’t accept it but like it’s just so weird to talk about him that he’s dead. I am talking about Jacek, that Jacek who was writing the novel about vikings. He was such a lively, energetic person, always full of ideas and so bubbly. But he got osteosarcoma and then there were some nasty metastases, it just progressed very quickly. I couldn’t get it for weeks that he was dead, and still my brain doesn’t fully get it I guess. I will maybe do some longer post in memory of him, because he was such a remarkable man, I need to think about this. He was only 25 when he died. And he told me he’s going to Valhalla. πŸ™‚

And quite in the same topic, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday my friend wrote to me, with whom I haven’t have any contact since before Jacek has passed away. She is our mutual friend Jacek’s and mine. She is Swedish – Jacek had lots of friends in Sweden and Finland and I’ve met some interesting people via him – and this particular girl I met when we were all three collaborating on Jacek’s online radiostation, I was volunteeering as a sound engineer there and has learned a lot during that short episode, about broadcasting, vikings, not to mention sound engineering, and many other things. And that girl, Annika, she was one of the presenters and that’s how we met online. She is a Slavic languages freak and has been learning Polish and other Slavic languages since early childhood just as it’s been with my Swedish. ANyway. We were never very close because we just knew each other through Jacek, but I’ve always liked her, she’s really sweet and down to earth. We haven’t talked almost at all since Jacek’s death though, there just weren’t any occasion. And I was greatly surprised seeing a message from her. She wrote to me to say she’ll be getting married soon. With a Pole, haha. And I am very happy she shared it with me and that I could catch up on her, and that she seems to be in a happy and already quite long lasting relationship. And because it was so close to Jacek’s death anniversary we also talked about this in length. And seems like we both feel the same way about this, that we don’t quite believe it yet. I was really glad to be able to write with her for a while. And it’s so cool she’ll be living in Poland for good now.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach today. My parents, Zofijka, me, and uncle and aunt, from Dad’s side. But, turns out, we’re incredibly lucky. We’ve been having an incredibly hot week, but due to various things happening we couldn’t go to the beach earlier, so we just waited for Sunday to come. and, as soon as we came to the beach, the rain started falling. We were all wet and me and Zofijka were feeling very cold and now we both have sore throat, I hope we won’t be sick. πŸ˜€ Moreover, when we came home, got rid of all the mud we’ve brought in, showered and stuff, the clouds disappeared and it’s hot again, only more humid. Isn’t that a pure luck? πŸ˜€ Mum has some sort of ear infection, I actually was telling her not to go to the beach with it as it could only get worse, and it looks like it did get worse, she’s barely hearing on that ear. She tried using geranium for it and other home remedies, but looks like our lifestyle guru will have to see a laryngologist, probably tomorrow.

And if we were having coffee I’d tell you that Mum went to a coeliac disease specialist last Wednesday, but it looks like her referral didn’t get through to them. So now she’ll go to another one that can see her much quicker, on Tuesday, and without a referral. So she’ll have a real health week. But I hope the news she’ll get will be good.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

What I’m thankful for.

I’ve seen many people doing those thankful posts lately, so I’m joining in today.

Here goes:

Zofijka, and that she came back from the trip. It also contributes to the fact that it’s much louder here etc. but it’s good to have her back.

My crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys, and his new album, and my current crush peak.

Misha.

Yummy food.

Good and warm weather, and my cool room.

My family.

All my online friends and pen pals.

All the beautiful Norwegian music I’ve been listening today.

tea and coffee.

Books.

My blog, blogging, my readers, other blogs I read, blogosphere in general.

My comfy bed that could be for two people, but it’s just for me and I don’t have to share it with anyone.

Kefir, orange juice, and all the other cool drinks, foods, etc.

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Let’s have some coffee guys, or whatever you like to drink. I’m curious what has happened to you this past week and how your weekend is going, and I haven’t made a Weekend Coffee Share for a while here so there are some things I need to update you on.

Aside from coffee we also have a rabbit that my Dad has made in an apparently Kashubian way, which tastes really cool. As I told you before Mum has also made a mole cake, and we still have a lot of blueberries as we bought a lot of them. And there are some muffins with raspberries as well. So make yourself comfortable and grab whatever you’d like to drink and eat.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you Zofijka has been on a trip with some of our Mum’s family, they were in the mountains, in Lower silesia. They are coming back today, and I think she’ll be home pretty soon. It’s good, but it was also really good without Zofijka, so calm and quiet, and we bonded some more with Misha, it really feels like he opened for me more, and is more trustful. Mum has less to do as well, and less to worry about. Misha is currently sleeping in my room in his little bed, he’s sleeping just like a baby. My uncle has come to Dad to help him do some technical stuff o the backyard, and he came in the house for a while, and scared Misha to death. He is so loud, jovialΒ  and very extroverted, like when he’s talking “normally”, he’s just shouting, which annoys me greatly as well, but some people just seem to be so haha, anyway Misha was the first being he stumbled upon in the house and started screaming – Kitty!!! Kitty! What a lovely kitty you are!!! Come here! – but Misha ran away and escaped to my room. A very wise decision, screamers are never ever allowed in here. This little incident seemed to exhaust him completely, ’cause he just literally crawled up to his bed and fell down on it. He’s just my boy hahaha, poor child. He looks so cute in his sleep.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you once again that my crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys has released his new album on Thursday and I am so damn excited and having a major crush peak. It feels so good having a crush peak. Life would be so much more boring without having crushes haha. I think I’d dwell on it for much longer if we were really having coffee. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I already wrote to two Polish magazines with the offer that I could write articles about names for them. One is a parenting magazine, and I know they’ve tried doing something with names in the past, but the effects, in my own opinion, were rather miserable. And the other is astrological/paranormal, you name it, generally a magazine for women. I actually didn’t plan to write to them, but my Mum told me I could, and write about the influence of names on personalities. I’m anxiously, or rather impatiently, I’m not that very anxious about it at least now, awaiting any response from them. I have no idea technically about writing articles for magazines and I don’t know anything about all the procedures they might have, but I hope it’ll work out. I have many ideas on name related articles so maybe something will interest them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we will be having two parties next week. One is my aunt’s 40th birthday, and one is my Mum’s nameday. My Mum is planning to make a bonfire, and I don’t know anything about my aunt’s plans, but knowing her, I would be greatly surprised if she wouldn’t do anything spectacular. I’m quite anxious about it if I’m honest, though I don’t know yet whether I’ll actually go to my aunt’s. Another thing I’m pretty anxious about is the fact that my Mum will be having all the tests for coeliac disease done next week. I’m anxious about her results. Like I know something’s wrong with her health for sure, and most likely it’s some absorbtion disorder, but, quite unlike me, I still hope it’s not coeliac disease, despite quite obvious evidence. Maybe it’s just gluten intolerance? But, does it really make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things? She hasn’t felt the best lately, so on the other hand I am actually looking forward to these tests.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s freakin’ hot today. and awfully humid. We’ve had a lot of rains lately, and while most of Europe was roasting in the recent few weeks, we’ve been in quite good situation, having warm, but usually not too hot weather. But since a few days it’s awfully hot. It makes me feel sluggish and my brain, I mean head obviously, hurts like I’m going to get a migraine, but I hope that won’t happen, I’ve just had a migraine last week, I usually don’t have them so often.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ll be having feet massage next week. Just for relaxation. And my Mum too. Not at our massage therapist’s, in a different place, but anyway I am pretty curious and looking forward to it. It’ll apparently be Thai massage.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s likely we’ll go to the sea tomorrow. Well unless I won’t get a migraine. πŸ˜€ Then I won’t go for sure.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we have a lot of fruit and vegetables now in our garden. While Dad is caring for the vegetables, as it seems to be his new passion, and they don’t require much preserving or anything, Mum is constantly making juices, preserves, jams, jellies etc. We have particularly a lot of currants. I’ve been helping Mum a lot in the garden as there is really a lot to pick, and my Mum isn’t particularly into gardening and stuff, but as she says it’s always beter to have your own fruit, plus she’s having spine issues. I help her with processing it all too if I can, yesterday we spent a whole afternoon picking currants and making juice. Usually Zofijka is the one who helps her because Zofijka likes gardening, but since now Zofijka isn’t home, I help her. We’ve been having lots of interesting and funny conversations meanwhile.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

Tell Me Something Good.

I decided to participate in Tell Me Something Good hosted by

A Momma’s View

 

If you’d like to participate as well and share some positivity in your life with the fellow bloggers, head over to her, and take part. πŸ™‚

So, as for me, the most positive thing I guess is that my mood is pretty well recently. Like if you read my recent few posts you know there’s been a bit of a chaos in my life lately and therefore I’d been pretty low most of the time. The chaos was mainly around my luckless finals, but my family is coming to terms with the situation, and more importantly, with my decision, particularly my Mum, who is important to me. I feel now that I don’t think I’d change my decision even if she wouldn’t accept it, but since she’s like I said very important to me and her opinion usually matters to me, I am glad she’s OK with my decision.

Moreover, I feel like that incident and our raging argument on that day when we got to know I failed, has made our bond somehow even stronger, or so it feels.

Also, I’m starting to think more seriously about one of my craziest career ideas I’ve ever had. It has always hummed somewhere in the background of my brain but I didn’t think about it very seriously. For a ong time when I just dreamt about doing something like that I didn’t think it could even beΒ  possible and like legit, but now I know there are a few baby namers in the US, or maybe more that I don’t know of, but that sounds so crazily niche, I was very sceptical if such a job was actually relevant here in Poland, if anywhere at all. I’ve been helping people on boards and forums both English and Polish to find the best name for their babies, so if such forums exist, you’d think people would go there instead of paying someone to find the name for their baby, there are usually a lot of name geeks out there, or if they’re not sure, they could ask a family member for some opinion or advice… The only people that seemed like they could need a baby namer’s advice would be celebrities, who want their kids to distinguish, but don’t have enough creativity themselves, and don’t observe the trends. But now it all starts to make more sense for me.

And, again, the person who revived this idea in my mind was my Mum.

She suddenly got an idea about what I could do to make my baby naming a more special thing, particularly for more artistic/hippie parents. I won’t go into this idea now, because I don’t want to jinx it lol, and because so far it’s just plain theory and nothing more crystalised, but I really like it. I don’t think it would be my main job, I think it would rather be something with languages, I am rather sceptical that a baby namer could actually make a lot of money, even though I found sites claiming that a baby namer can earn 30000 dollars, but, hm, it seems rather ridiculous, unless their job is something more than I think. πŸ˜€ If so, that’s very interesting, I would like to know what else they do.

From there, I got another idea, and I contacted one of the AMerican baby namers I knew about, very spontaneously, particularly as for me πŸ˜€ asking her if she thinks it is actually a relevant job, if it could be of relevance in other countries and if she’d have some suggestions or hints for me as a potential baby namer, I also asked her about a bunch of other more detailed things like for example if I could also help, say, Swedish parents, because I know Swedish, have some knowledge about Swedish name trends and name conotations, but still I am not an expert in Swedish names since I don’t live there and I still have more or less outsider perspective on Swedish names and rankings.

I really love baby names and naming babies and would love to be able to do this. I would be happy if she’d write back to me, although I try not to be too optimistic about it.

So that’s my most positive thing I suppose.

Also as most of you probably know my grandparents had their 50th wedding anniversary on Saturday and had a big party as a present from their children. I was very anxious about it for various reasons, mainly social ones, but not only, but it went relatively well. I was glad of it, and although I left pretty early in comparison to most of other people and didn’t even stay for the dancing part, I was glad I went and I think the whole event went well, my grandparents seem happy. Parties are surely not my grandad’s element, but I know he was very moved they made such a great present for them, the whole party was very elegant, and my Mum says all went perfectly wel and just as planned.

Zofijka came back from her swimming camp. As much as she’s absorbing, annoying and changeable, it’s good to have her back home of course. However Misha seems to be back to his previous, timid self. Forget about sleeping on the pillow. :/ I just can’t figure out why he’s so badly scared of her. Like I understand she can be intimidating and isn’t the most delicate kid in the Earth, but is she really that scary? (…)

I know for sure we won’t be going to Sweden, which is actually not positive at all, but instead it’s very likely my parents will soon go on a trip to Szczecin (anyone eager to try to pronounce it? πŸ˜€ ). They’d go with some other of our relatives so there would be no place for none of us their children, which’s not a problem, since it looks like they’d only visit very boring places, like museums. I hate museums, I am always so terribly bored in them, and you usually visit them in summer when it’s terribly hot, and I had often the luck to faint in them. I don’t say there aren’t any interesting museums, but either way, you can rarely touch anything so I might as well stay at home watching aquarium fishes with Misha. πŸ˜€ Where I’m going to, is that then Zofijka will go for a little regenerative vacation to our grandparents, so there will be only Olek, Misha and me. Given that Olek is with his friends or at work most of the time, we’d have a blessed week just for ourselves with Misha. Maybe I’d be able to get him out of his shell again, for some longer time.

OK, that’s all from me, I guess.

What good things happened to you recently, or will happen soon? πŸ™‚