Still without my laptop.

Hi guys! πŸ™‚
So yeah it’s just as in the title, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it fixed very soon. It looks like it’s more an issue with the sound in general than with the screen-reader, and yesterday I called the IT specialist to ask him to look at it again, and I told him roughly what’s going on. He said he can’t come earlier than tomorrow 6 PM but even he agreed with me that it looks pretty bizarre, so I don’t expect it to be fixed right away as neither me nor him have any idea about what’s causing it at the moment.
So as you can imagine I’m pretty bored already, though luckily I have tons of books and still have some of my music, a lot of music actually, but not my entire collection, on my PlexTalk, and of course what’s the most important I have Misha, who really helps me when he’s around because mentallyI feel rather crappy, havinglots of memories and weird dreams because of September coming very soon and in this situation I’m in now it’s hard to distract, plus feeling ratherisolated doesn’t help even though in most cases I find my own company to be just enough.
Our two little cousins are here with Zofijka and Mum’s going with them to the amusement park soon. Yuck! Anyone else hating amusement parks? I hate them fiercely, probably just because of my screwed k_p labyrinthum and that I was forced to go there at school at some special occasionsbecause it’s “fun”. πŸ˜€ Though I am happy they’re having fun, Zofijka loves amusement parks and she doesn’t seem to be as lucky as I was and it’s rare for her to be able to goto them often.
Misha wants to say he had a breathtaking adventure yesterday, being able to hang out with the magpies through the window. Mum says he’s poor, because they clearly laughed at him and looked like they screamed at him to go away, but he doesn’t think he’s poor, he wasn’t afraid of them and didn’t care about them making fun of him, he was happy to have some other beings than humansto interact with, and seemed very agitated because of that, but s also very brave and courageous, and if you openedthewindow,I’m really not sure whether it would be Misha who’d run away first. He still seems to be a little agitated and often looks at the window as if he wanted them to come back.
Yesterday I finally got my packet of treats from that online shop I told you about in the last Music Monday Care & Love. I waited for it about a week so much longer than the last time I was buying snacks and sweets at their shop, but never mind. The Jalapeno Pepper Jack Lay’s are way too addictive, yesterday just me and Zofijka, with a really little help from our cousins, ate one pack of them. That led us tothe conclusion that if we livedin the US we’d eat “the Jack chips” for every meal. πŸ˜€ Don’t think I’d really want it and I wouldn’t like to see how fat we’d be then, but hey, everyone can dream and not have to fear it may ever come true, right? πŸ˜€
And on Sunday we all also had lots of delicious food, way more healthy. We went to the pizzeria nearby, it’s a pizzeria but you can eat much more there than just pizzas and related stuff, it’s pretty much like a restaurant and we really like it. And we had a big dinner, or actually a lunch, as it was rather early. I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I had very low BP and feeling a bit rubbish and I thought I’m anything but hungry, but finally I went too and I suddenly s very very hungry so that I even helped my Mum with her food, although I oftenstruggle to eat all of mine as they make really big dishes. We were all glad overall.
I’m sorryI haven’t been reading much of your blogs lately, that sucks, and I don’tknow whether I’ll be catchingup on absolutely everything when I get my computer fixed as it’ll probably be a whole lot of posts, but I don’thave the access to my email from Braille-Sense, so I can’t be up to date with all of your blogs, but I hope I’ll be soon. πŸ™‚
OK so that’d be all from me, hope you’re having a goodweek and more productive than mine haha.

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to another

Weekend Coffee Share.

Grab some coffee, or whatever else you prefer, and join in. It’s much cooler now than even yesterday morning, which I am very glad about, and Misha is too. Though his sleeping patterns remain unchanged so far. He’s still asleep. I told you last week that I’ll have almond milk for this weekend’s coffee share to share with you (doesn’t Weekend Almond Milk Share sound way more sophisticated than plain Weekend Coffee Share? πŸ˜‰ ), but I don’t have it. I just ended up not doing any shopping, so yeah, maybe next week. Hope no one feels too disappointed haha.

I wrote a bit of an update a few days ago so you already know a lot about what I’ve been up to this week, if you don’t know and want to catch up just go

Here.

If we were having coffee I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you the therapist I contacted on Thursday didn’t write back to me yet but I’m still hopeful. I was a little concerned because I couldn’t find anyone else in my area doing psychodynamic therapy if she wouldn’t respond, but yesterday I found out about a clinic in Gdynia which specialises in it, so I might contact them next week if I’ll need to. Gdynia is further from me, not far but not particularly close either, so I’d also have to ask Mum what she thinks about it, if I would have to have therapy there.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday in the afternoon we got a lot of rain and storms and that’s such a huge relief to me, because this heat was really overwhelming. Summer is nice, and warm weather is nice, but oh God, please, 36 C?! Isn’t that crazy?! The question is obviously rhetorical, it’s devastating.

And as we are talking about that, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that due to that weather we had I suspended my Welsh for a while. I mean my Welsh course, if you’re learning a language and doing it for fun you usually learn something every day, no matter if you’re doing your usual lessons or not. At first I wanted to be bold and still do it, despite I usually feel really crappy physically in the heat, but then I decided it doesn’t make much sense to just play a hero for the sake of playing a hero since I won’t learn much this way and I stopped it. Today though there was no reason to prolong it so I did my Welsh challenge, despite the break it went pretty wel. Then I went to show off to our learners’ community and one of the people asked me so why won’t you do another one then? I hesitated for a while, felt lazy and not quite like doing it but decided to do so anyway. So yeah I did another one, it went by even quicker than the first one and it felt like I was even better at it than at the first one lol. My new favourite welsh word is o ddifrif (o THEE-Vree, the dd is pronounced like th in the, the f is pronounced like v and the f at the end is silent), which means seriously, and ddifrifol (thee-VREE-vol) which means serious. It doesn’t sound serious at all, does it? πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a brilliant, lovely dream last night, involving my current music crush Gwilym. And OMG it was so vivid. Well, all my dreams are vivid, most of them at least, which can be both fantastic and shitty, but it was just so… I don’t even know how to call it haha, let’s just say wonderful anyway. It made me feel really good, as my crush dreams always do, but it didn’t stop the anxiety that I still feel somewhat since that last sleep paralysis to creep into my mind again pretty soon after I woke up. I try to not care though, or pretend I don’t so that it won’t get the satisfaction at least, and despite the anxiety I feel pretty positive today.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you tomorrow is a sort of our parish church’s day, it is a thing in Catholic churches in Poland – each one has its patron saint and the day that is this saint’s feast day, they celebrate it with a lot of splendor, but also in a kind of rustic way, even in the cities, and to be honest, I usually don’t like all those celebrations, they feel very trashy to me. One of our patron saints is saint Roch, his feast day will be soon, but the celebrations are tomorrow for us, he is also a patron saint of animals, as far as I can remember there was some sort of legend that after his death he went to heaven with his dog. And because of it, among all the usual trashy stuff, there is also an interesting tradition in our church, namely pets are blessed and consecrated. Mum and me were last year with Misha (we were joking it was his christening hahaha), and I think we will go this year too. It always makes him a bit nervous because he doesn’t go out much and there are lots of other animals and he doesn’t have much contact with other animals, but also it is one of the few opportunities for him to get out and be safe with us, and he still likes to go out, as he often manifests very clearly. πŸ˜€ Plus I think it is a cool habit. Some people tend to think animals are some sort of worse kind of creatures, my Dad even thinks it’s a profanity to pray for a pet for example when it’s sick, and yes there certainly are some limits and I don’t say we should do with pets or allow them to do just the same things humans do, but they’re also God’s creations, good natured and often much more innocent than humans, so why such little things as praying or blessing them could be a profanity? I’d rather agree with Lucy Maud Montgomery who said something like that we can pray for anything we love, I guess Judy Plum said it in “Pat Of The Silverbush”. She was Presbyterian but I don’t think it makes much difference in this case, actually I think that Catholic faith is more emotional and stuff so we should think so and practice it as well. I am sure that God also created Misha with some sort of purrpose and loves him, it wasn’t just an accident that Misha appeared in the world, otherwise He wouldn’t make him so beautiful, so He must care about him. Plus I am strongly convinced that God has a sense of humour, a very good one, though a bit too ironical at times, and if someone has a good sense of humour they can’t have such stiff rules as my Dad does, don’t you think? πŸ˜€

OK, I think I’ll go now, I think I’ll turn on some music and go to Dreamland for a while, I’mΒ  feeling like it and don’t have anything much better to do today, and that seems to be a cool idea anytime.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

 

A little update.

How is everyone doing? πŸ™‚

As for me, it’s just OK, better or worse depending on an area. I told you before that my anxiety has lessened, that anxiety flare up I got after those scary dreams, and it’s true, it’s much better now, I felt like I’m going to get rid of it very soon, but it’ still is somewhere, kinda fluctuating and sometimes getting really nasty during night time. I mean it’s always somewhere in the background but doesn’t affect me that much usually on a daily basis as it does lately, and it doesn’t usually last so long with such intensity, after I got sleep paralysis and those nightmares previously I was usually able to recover pretty quickly. But at least, although slower than usual, it’s going better, so I really really hope I’m going to recover of it soon and function normally, because it is a bit concerning to me. And I still can remember the dreams I had that last time clearly, which doesn’t make it any better. Usually they’d fade away with time and I wouldn’t remember them in details, but now I do remember those I had last time. It scares the shit out of me if I’m honest. If it’s going to be this way next time I’m seriously gonna try some antidepressant, even if it doesn’t help everyone, but maybe will help me. If it’s going to be that intense in the future I’m not sure I can cope just on my own.

But other than the anxiety, I had a pretty good day today. Dad is at work (which I’m secretly very glad about, he has a very irregular work schedule and now he had a bit less than a week off work, and I think all of us, except for Zofijka, who was away on holidays, got tired of his constant nagging, complaining and arguing, and provoking others, he’s a good guy and I love him, but he can be really annoying), so Mum and Zofijka and me went to the beach today. We had fun. It’s roasting today so that’s I guess what most people here was doing today, there were quite a lot of people on the beach. We were playing in the water with Sofi, she was swimming – she is such an awesome swimmer! – we all laughed a lot. Only my Mum didn’t have as much fun as she could have because she’s still having that weird ear infection, now in both ears, which is very painful and not only her ears but also head and jaw are throbbing. So she was in pain and couldn’t go into the water, and had to be away from the wind, but at the same time not in the sun, because she’d be all roasted, which was hard to achieve, as it was rather windy by the sea today. But me and Sofi were almost constantly in the water, even though I can’t swim that well, and certainly not as well as she can, but that was still very cool. As we were going to head home, there came a family with four kids, three girls and a boy, the latter was particularly screamy and attention-seeking. He constantly shouted to his mum from the water, repeating one thing ALL the time, like every five seconds, so that it started to be annoying. Occasionally he screamed something to his sisters, so we quickly got to know that their names are pretty peculiar, or maybe not peculiar themselves, but as a sibset. Ela, Ola and Ula… Doesn’t sound cool? πŸ˜€ If Mum (or brother) is calling them from somewhere further, I’m sure they have to be confused which one they’re actually calling. Of course I found it very interesting and amusing. Then when we finally went home, they left too, and as there was a bit of a distance from the beach to the parking, we were going close enough to each other to hear what each other were saying. And this little boy was talking all the time, this time something else, while his poor mum was pretending to be deaf, in hopes he’ll feel bored soon. I started to wonder whether his name isn’t Oli, as it would match the girls perfectly, and whether too matchy names of siblings can have any influence on their behaviour. πŸ˜€ Then we finally headed to the parking and I went to my car seat. Unluckily, our cars, ours and that matchy family’s, were very close and I didn’t estimate the distance properly, and when I was opening the door, with a little bit too much dash, I accidentally hit them, I mean their car obviously. Not too much but still. I said to the mum that I’m very sorry, but I guess her nerves were way too tense already. “What do you think beep beep beep can’t you see?!!!”. “You guessed it I can’t”. “Uh… emmm… I’m sorry… I… didn’t know…” at the same time the boy ran away wanting to show something to Ula, so his poor mum could have an excuse to be occupied with something else. I don’t think she needed one, for me the topic was finished, but it was clear she was very embarrassed. So she shouted at him, and guess what… “Ooooooliiiiiiivieeeeer, come back! We’re going hoooome!”. Me and Zofijka, we were laughing like crazy. OMG he’s really an Oli! Lucky for him, it’s not his full name, as I was concerned it could be. Zofijka asked me how I guessed it… I wonder too… I certainly wouldn’t think it could be his name for sure, I was just joking! And as for the seeing or not seeing, it was embarrassing indeed, I mean the accident, until it started to be ridiculous for me, and then I actually realised it’s a compliment for me, that she asks whether I can see or not. My Mum says that when people see me, it’s clear to them that I can’t… So I was quite surprised.

I had therapy yesterday and I talked to my therapist about the concerns I had regarding therapy about which I wrote in last coffee share post, that I am not making much progress since we started or actually maybe even before, back when I’ve had only phone checkins with my previous therapist, in some areas I actually feel like I regressed a bit if I’m honest, like with the severity of my anxiety for example, I feel like I’m back at the same point at where I started years ago. Sure there were many difficult situations for me this year, but still, I feel quite concerned with it. I also told her that I wonder whether now as I am in a more stable situation and can focus directly on some healing more, whether indeed CBT is something for me. Because I have an inkling I should do more with the past stuff, since it’s clearly where all or most of my brain shit comes from, directly or not. I told her that I am not sure about it but that if she shares my feelings I’d be willing to try something new, like psychodynamic maybe, or gestalt, as I feel the latter could help me with my insecurities and stuff. I asked her if she had the same feelings and she told me she doesn’t know where I was before, but as long as we are working together, which will be 3 months later in August, she can’t say I did any big progress. She told me that for her it seems that I have lots of emotional blockades, mostly unconscious, and maybe indeed psychodynamic therapy or something similar would be worth a try with this, though she admitted she never actually thought about it before, she only thought that I may benefit from some longer lasting therapy as there seems to be a lot to do. On the other hand, she said, that my own way of looking at my achievements and failures is often somewhat disordered because of my self-esteem and such, so I may not be objective here, and I agreed, I don’t think I can be objective either, even though despite having AVPD and all that I don’t feel like I’m a perfectionist and want to achieve too much. She told me that if I have such feelings, then I should listen to my gut, first and foremost, and if I’d later realise it’s not for me, like that it doesn’t make it any better that I know the root causes of some things, or if it would feel too overwhelming, I can come back to her and she’d be happy to work with me again, because she is sure that in the right conditions I am able to heal. Overall it was a good conversation. We will be staying in touch now and I’ll let her know when I’ll find someone possibly nearby who would be willing to work with me – I hope I’m not going to go through what it was with language teachers, who were running away screaming one after another scared of the fact that I’m blind before even meeting me. I’ve actually found a psychodynamic therapist who is pretty close to where I live, I emailed her today, and I hope she;ll get back to me. What may be an issue is that I probably won’t get funding for it, as I did for therapy with the therapist I’m working with now, but well if it’s going to help me then I think it’s worth it, even if I’m going to spare all my savings for the future –
which by the way I don’t think would provide me financial security for too long if I was to live on my own.

I also talked to my Mum, and that didn’t go so smoothly. We have significant issues with communication when it comes to talking about this kinda stuff, like my mental issues and all the related shit. I think in a way she doesn’t understand it, why I’ve been reacting to things the way I’ve been (which I don’t fully understand myself either), and partly she blames herself for some things that happened to me or some things she didn’t do for me or didn’t notice. Well I don’t see any blame on her side and never blamed her, even though was angry a lot at her, but I know it well myself it’s hard to just tell someone it’s not their fault, unfortunately it’s way more complicated than that usually, even if someone is as mentally healthy as my Mum, I guess. Then on the other hand I am frustrated that she doesn’t understand me, and I blame myself that I am so squeamish, and generally my communication with people is NUTS, and so it goes around, despite best intentions of us both. Sucks.

So I’ d rather spare you the details of our lovely conversation, no, it wasn’t furious or anything, just frustrating and quite icky. But overall she agreed that I need to do something with myself and be functional again (as if I ever was!!!) and if I feel like this therapy isn’t working that much, I should try something different.

Yeeah poor my Mum, I feel so sorry for her, although I probably should feel sorry for myself. πŸ˜€

I haven’t seen Misha AT ALL today. I mean, OK, I did see him, when he was eating, and then I saw him close to my room, as if he hesitated whether to come in, seems like he decided not to, but he always hesitates for ages before doing something. And that was all. I haven’t snugled him or talked to him or anything, and I quite miss him, but I looked for him around the house and couldn’t find him and no one knows where he is. I’m not worried, he surely sleeps somewhere possibly cool, but it’s a bit sad here without my little mishievous kid.

Oh, and particularly for those who haven’t checked my yesterday song of the day post and don’t know, yesterday I had a big holiday. It was my previous music crush’s Cornelis Vreeswijk’s 81st birthday, or it would be if he lived, anyway, when there are my crushes’ days, something relating to them particularly, I either get a major crush peak and am over the moon for quite a while, or if it’s one of the previous crushes then it is sorta more present in my life, like more activated for a while again. So yesterday I was translating Vreeswijk’s poems again, to celebrate the holiday somehow, completely absorbed by my vreeswijkosis and mumbling to myself in Swedish for an entire day. And yaaaaayyyyy!!! I managed, with a lot of hardship, but at least as much of enjoyment, to finish my translation of “Den BlΓ₯a DrΓΆmmen” (The Blue Dream). It helped me a lot with the anxiety to immerse in something so fully, which rarely happes to me, and yeah it felt so so brilliant. It looks so well. I am curious what my friend Jacek – the one who died because of osteosarcoma and who was writing the book about vikings – would say about that. He was always so agitated seeing my translations, he wanted to see even tiny little bits of them, even the worse ones, because he was always so curious. I am so proud of my translation, wonder how long it will last until I will start to see any errors in it haha. I mean, I started it years and years ago, but was stuck and not able to finish, and there were glaring errors, so glaring that if Cornelis knew Polish and was still alive, and read my scribbles, it’d surely kill him. Now I just polished it and after reading and rereading and rereading more the original version, thinking and thinking and making my brain boil, I finally came up with a decent, rhythmically compatible end for the verse I’ve started, and then wrote the last. I just thought I’d sit at it until I’ll come up with something, after all it’s not that difficult, it can’t be, it’s just a little folkloristic piece, almost a childish one, very sweet and almost naive and pretty short as well, certainly not one of the greatest by Vreeswijk, if I can’t manage with something like this, than how can I do anything more ambitious? Yes, with my languages, I am a perfectionist. And that is the only area. I showed it to my Mum and Zofijka came in as I read it and she was like: “Wow, did you write it?” haahahahahahahahahaha it was brilliant. πŸ˜€ Me, lol. Couldn’t stop laughing for quite a while.

OK, so I guess I’ll be finishing, as it’s definitely no longer little I guess, even as for my writing standards.

Sleep well, or have a great day, and I hope you’re OK. πŸ™‚ Misha just came in so I’m also sending Mishpurrs and Mishcuddles.


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If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Welcome to another coffee share. We’ve had some rain today so it’s cooler (a little bit), but still I’d rather recommend ice coffee than normal hot coffee.

If we were having coffee I’d ask everyone of you how you’re doing and what’s been going on for you…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather rough week, particularly last days of it, but I’ll get into it later on.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it was my aunt’s 40th birthday on Monday. I supposed she’d be doing something massive as it would be quite her style but there was only a small, or relatively small, family gathering. I planned not to go and just phone her and wish her happy birthday, but eventually I decided to go because she wouldn’t answer. We aren’t really getting along too well with that aunt, despite she’s my God mother and it wasn’t always this way, I guess our personalities clash totally and in a way are too similar, but on the other hand we’re too different in other aspects at the same time. And there was a minor but quite nasty incident with her that regarded me which left me feeling quite unstable, but I got over it rather quickly since it’s rather about her issues than mine or anyone else’s.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve started some collaboration with Nameberry. Don’t know yet what if anything will come out of it long term, but as you could notice I wrote a guest post for their blog. It was a lot of fun and I feel quite excited about it, and proud of myself cause I think the post is really good.

The following few paragraphs may be a bit lengthy and might feel hard or perhaps potentially triggering for someone, so if you feel uncomfortable just skip them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had an awful, absolutely shitty day on Thursday. I just thought my brain will explode with anxiety, even on my extra anxiety meds, it was just nuts. That night my Mum couldn’t sleep so she came to me – ’cause if anyone can’t sleep in this house it’s of course usually me so she usually comes to me when she can’t sleep and checks if I’m up too so we can share the pain haha. She took a mattress with her and said it’s very hot in her room and whether she could sleep in mine, so I agreed. There was my poor Braille-Sense charging and the light was flickering so I told her she can switch it off and she did. Then we both fell asleep and slept rather soundly. But at like 6 Braille-Sense couldn’t stand it any longer and woke us up that it wants to eat. It’s so old it literally can’t make it without a recharger, even when you don’t do anything to him, a total addict. So I jumped out of the bed to shut him up immediately. Unfortunately Mum woke up too and decided it’s time for her to get up. We chatted for a while and she went out, I still felt quite sleepy though so went back to bed. Despite sleepiness, I couldn’t fall asleep for like 15 minutes, maybe a bit more. Usually, when I wake up at night but still want to get back to sleep but the break is too long, like 30 minutes or longer, and I still can’t fall asleep, I don’t try anymore, because then I usually end up with sleep paralysis. But it was just like about 15 minutes and I definitely felt like I still could use some sleep. I guess my brain was in a rather malicious mood and it wouldn’t let me. Instead, I did fall into sleep paralysis. Sometimes it lasts longer, I can notice when I float away and with some physical and mental effort get away from there, but this time it all just happened so rapidly, plus like I said I felt sleepy so didn’t fully realise when my sleepiness turned out into floatiness and everything felt distant, gloomy. It was only when I felt that awful, huge wave of anxiety washing over me, actually filling in the atmosphere arund me, that I realised what’s going on, and it was way too late. My brain felt tired and floaty, my consciousness started to change in that weird way and my limbs felt heavy. I started to feel dizzy and slip down into the darkness with light speed, I actually never was falling so quickly before, or can’t remember.

I won’t go into details as for what happened next, I mean as for the exact content, because it’s incredibly hard to describe those, hm, “dreams”, first because it’s just all so abstractive, elusive, subjective, but also because it’s just too scary. Sometimes I feel I maybe should write about it in detail somewhere or talk to someone but it’s always too scary and way too hard to describe. But what I can tell you is that it was al full of anxiety, doom and gloom. I feel like maybe in other circumstances it wouldn’t be so scary, it’s mainly just the atmosphere of anxiety and inevitable danger around that makes it so horrifying, most of the anxiety provoking things are actually things I was very afraid of in childhood, now either not so much (in real life) or I just don’t have contact with these things anymore. These dreams are full of very anxiety provoking, aggressive sounds, don’t know if they’d sound so for everyone, but so are they for me, often with very intricate, gloomy harmonies. All those anxiety stimuli are actually weirdly personified, they’re all like real people, spirting with hatred towards me and doing everything in their might to make me feel more helpless.

Besides all those anxieties, there’s also often some plot in those dreams, often very chaotic and consisting of single, not related, scary events, although I’ve been having those dreams since very early childhood and at the beginning they were always very schematic and predictable.

I actually don’t know if it’s exactly sleep paralysis, because people who have sleep paralysis usually seem to have full consciousness, while in my case it’s like I’m half-conscious most of the time, and often things that happen in the outside world mix quite creepily with my dreams. Sometimes I am only aware that I am dreaming, or sometimes I have sort of two perspectives – one is inner where I only see what’s in my dreams, and another is where I only can see what’s on the outside, can hear the music, people talking, but obviously can’t interact or anything. Sometimes I know I am dreaming but I don’t know what’s going on on the outside and my brain makes up things that don’t happen, but are very, very, very realistic. Also, people with sleep paralysis often have a sensation that someone or something is literaly sitting on them, like they feel strong pressure which makes breathing harder. For me breathing in those dreams is often very difficult but I had this pressure only once, however I’ve had the motive of someone assailing me, knocking me off, wanting to harm me physically, not letting me move etc. But I too, like many people with this condition often feel some sense of someone’s presence before I fully fall into it and am having other sorts of delusions before it really starts. Besides those people with sleep paralysis I know of usually feel very frustrated with not being able to move, they are aware they can’t move, while I often am not aware that I can’t. I see myself doing different things in dreams, hear myself screaming, fighting with my dream “friends”, getting up, etc. while in fact nothing happens and I’m just lying. Sometimes it may be that I dream I am going to my Mum to help me, and then another creepy thing happens, making me realise I’m still at the very same dead point I was before and no one is going to help me except for myself. I dream I am turning on music on my Plextalk to get rid of the nasty sounds and the anxiety but of course since I can’t move my hands I don’t do it in reality, so either my Plextalk also is against me, or doesn’t work, or something creepy happens. Also some other things don’t look exactly like sleep paralysis but I don’t know what else it could be and still it’s incredibly similar to what I experience so that’s why I call it this way, since I didn’t know for years what it actually is, I just thought everyone’s nightmares look this way for a long time.

And what’s very characteristic to those dreams for me lately, and the most exhausting I guess, are false awakenings. I just hate them so much.

If you don’t know what a false awakening is, although I guess it’s pretty easy to guess, imagine that you sleep happily, or not happily, doesn’t matter, then you get up as every normal human being, do your morning routines, go out to work, or do whatever else, and out of the blue you realise you’ve beenΒ  in your bed all the time and it was just a dream. Incredibly realistic, with all the things you do during the day, just in the same order as you do them, with people saying normal things, the only abnormal thing being it was just a dream. And, if you’re particularly lucky and dreamy, then it can go over and over and over again. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast… back in bed…

And so it is often for me, only that if it happens during sleep paralysis, it occurs in a very scary form.

I scream, fight, run away, choke, fall down, rise up, do whatever to just survive, and then… boom! it’s as if you fell down from somewhere high on your bed. Oh, great, so I’m awake! Thanks Goodness, finally! Get up, get dressed, feed Misha, and suddenly… hmm, where did actually Misha disappear? he was right in front of me a second ago wasn’t he? But now it’s not Misha, but one of my dream “friends” right in front of me, laughing at me like crazy, everything is dizzy and I slip back right where I was before. Etc. etc. etc. in the same pattern.

But most often it’s like I am in there, in my dreams, and desperately want to get back to life, try to move, test whether everything around me is real or not, do anything to get rid of the floatiness in my brain and get closer to the real world. I often hear people calling me, like my Mum waking me up, even if it is not true, motivate myself to get up and… finally I manage. I am glad, but still the anxiety flows everywhere I feel floaty, and often even like I was still in some way paralysed, like I wouldn’t have much control over my moves or something. But I try to not care, or ignore it completely, usually in this situation I go to whoever is around to help me and make me feel safer, although I never do this when I really wake up. They often help me, are very compassionate, sometimes are cruel and turns out they’re collaborating with my dreammates, like when I was a kid I once dreamt that my Mum wanted to cut my foot because they forced her. πŸ˜€ Sometimes they don’t want to cooperate with them but have to, sometimes they’re very willing. Whatever happens though, finally I always slip back there, scared and disappointed, and confused as for what is real. Sometimes it is so that I may live my “normal” life for quite long and then finally realise that something doesn’t really look very realistic and that then it has to mean it is a dream, and then everything starts over with a lot of chaos. Usually then I see some creepy scenes not necessarily with me in one of the main roles, often as an observer. And then again I’m scared and want to wake up, gradually more and more confused as for what is real, am I sleeping or awake, what’s generally going on.

Often after that episode I’m exhausted and fall into very deep, heavy sleep, sometimes it’s completely dreamless and sometimes I have some disturbing bad or weird dreams, but rather mildly bad in comparison to the sleep paralysis. But despite it’s so heavy it’s rarely really good sleep.

When I finally wake up for good, I am usually very puzzled for a little while and obviously usually feel a lot of anxiety, but it usually passes away quickly. I mean, I can be anxious for quite a while, but not as much as when I wake up, when it can be really really high. I usually get over it quickly.

But the last time, that Thursday morning, it waas a hardcore. It lasted for like THREE HOURS, I fel like it was scarier than ever. I have very good dream memory, which is also a blessing in many circumstances, but when I woke up after all that and remembered what I dreamt about, it was hard to get over it and get some distance to it, just feeling relief that it was only a dream. When I wake up for real, after all those false awakenings, I always know well I’m awake and am no longer confused, but last time I started to wonder. What if I am still asleep? Deep down I knew it’s over, but what if not? What if some day I’ll wake up and just won’t be able to tell what’s real from what’s not? It scared me even more.

I went downstairs still feeling a bit floaty from the dream and very scared, tired as if I really was fighting with someone for three hours and unsettled. Mum was in the kitchen and said she couldn’t wait for me to come and that now I am surely well rested after so much sleep. She said she was in my room twice and I slept so heavily. I guess I could hear her once, or it was my imagination.

I usually try not to make too much drama around my dreams because I know there isn’t any universal cure for it and that it always distresses my Mum cause she doesn’t know what to do about it and feels helpless, but this time it was that little bit too much to bear for me. I felt shaky like jelly and couldn’t stop tears from falling so she was quite amazed what’s going on, and it took her a while to get it out of me because I was a real real mess. I took all my anxiety meds, I mean two pills of my basic one and one of the extra med, but I was still shaky, my head was hurting like a bitch, and I felt like a true drama queen because it was actually Mum’s nameday so the guests were about to come. Poor Zofijka was looking around puzzled askign everyone what happened and not getting any consistent answer. Finally I managed to take a long bath and then Mum sent me back to bed although I was really anxious as for that since I didn’t want to get trapped by my beautiful brain again.

I was so tired that I did fall asleep almost immediately but slept very soundly. Things have changed a little bit after I woke up, I mean outside, not so much inside, I was still in pieces and very hypervigilant and all. But felt good enough to get down to the guests for a while and keep a socially decent and logical conversation.

I got back to my room and then I realised the cold, hard truth… the Internet was off! That meant a really hard day for me. After those dreams I am always very sensitive as for silence and can’t stand it, same as some particular sounds. Most of my music was online. Most of things I could do at that moment to distract myself the best were online, particularly now as the guests were in. Smalltalk isn’t particularly stimulating nor distracting for me and I would rather feel bored, and I couldn’t ask my parents for any help as they were with them, and Zofijka was playing with other kids who came in. Misha always escapes when too many people are around, and usually to my room, but when they came I was asleep and my room was closed so he went somewhere else and I didn’t know where he was. So there weren’t many things I could do, I was mostly reading, and listening to music I had, helped Mum in the kitchen afterwards, but was still incredibly tense and overloaded. It was just so horrifying, I haven’t feel such extreme things for a long while before then.

The Internet hasn’t come back even at night, so again I was left to only my own resources, and night was twice as hard, even though sometime later on Misha had mercy on me and came to me. It was nightmare and I had a feeling I’m just going crazy and things won’t be as they were before anymore, that I’ll just always live with such high level of anxiety. Needless to say I didn’t even try to fall asleep, quite the opposite.

The next day it was slightly better though. And you know what turned out then? My brilliant Mum, when she slept in my room, she messed up with the router somehow while she was switching things off. And it only needed to be rebooted. It was funny but also frustrating because I really needed some distraction that day and Mum told me there is probably some more general damage like at our Internet provider or something, so I just accepted it and didn’t even try to fix it myself. πŸ˜€

I was still very anxious, but since I had many more productive things to do then, and some time has passed, it was much more manageable.

And so it is now. I still haven’t recovered fuly from that nasty episode, I feel. But I am a bit more stable and don’t freak out without Misha.

I wonder what was actually going on with those dreams. Was it just an accident it was so long and so rough, just a random thing, or is something changing and it is going to get worse? If so, I think I’ll really need to try hitting it with antidepressants, I once saw a neurologist for that and she said it sometimes works for people, but then I decided I will try to handle it with some better sleep hygiene and stuff. But if you have messed up sleep cycle by nature, regular sleeping and waking up and maintaining sleep hygiene isn’t always that easy, so I guess the time for antidepressants will finaly come sooner or later, even though I haven’t heard about people for whom it would be helpful. But it shouldn’t be harmful, so I guess I’ll try if it’s going to stay this way.

If we were having coffee I’d tel you today is my friend’s 1st death anniversary. Man I still can’t believe he’s dead. I never told you about that, I feel weird talking about his death still, not like I can’t accept it but like it’s just so weird to talk about him that he’s dead. I am talking about Jacek, that Jacek who was writing the novel about vikings. He was such a lively, energetic person, always full of ideas and so bubbly. But he got osteosarcoma and then there were some nasty metastases, it just progressed very quickly. I couldn’t get it for weeks that he was dead, and still my brain doesn’t fully get it I guess. I will maybe do some longer post in memory of him, because he was such a remarkable man, I need to think about this. He was only 25 when he died. And he told me he’s going to Valhalla. πŸ™‚

And quite in the same topic, if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday my friend wrote to me, with whom I haven’t have any contact since before Jacek has passed away. She is our mutual friend Jacek’s and mine. She is Swedish – Jacek had lots of friends in Sweden and Finland and I’ve met some interesting people via him – and this particular girl I met when we were all three collaborating on Jacek’s online radiostation, I was volunteeering as a sound engineer there and has learned a lot during that short episode, about broadcasting, vikings, not to mention sound engineering, and many other things. And that girl, Annika, she was one of the presenters and that’s how we met online. She is a Slavic languages freak and has been learning Polish and other Slavic languages since early childhood just as it’s been with my Swedish. ANyway. We were never very close because we just knew each other through Jacek, but I’ve always liked her, she’s really sweet and down to earth. We haven’t talked almost at all since Jacek’s death though, there just weren’t any occasion. And I was greatly surprised seeing a message from her. She wrote to me to say she’ll be getting married soon. With a Pole, haha. And I am very happy she shared it with me and that I could catch up on her, and that she seems to be in a happy and already quite long lasting relationship. And because it was so close to Jacek’s death anniversary we also talked about this in length. And seems like we both feel the same way about this, that we don’t quite believe it yet. I was really glad to be able to write with her for a while. And it’s so cool she’ll be living in Poland for good now.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach today. My parents, Zofijka, me, and uncle and aunt, from Dad’s side. But, turns out, we’re incredibly lucky. We’ve been having an incredibly hot week, but due to various things happening we couldn’t go to the beach earlier, so we just waited for Sunday to come. and, as soon as we came to the beach, the rain started falling. We were all wet and me and Zofijka were feeling very cold and now we both have sore throat, I hope we won’t be sick. πŸ˜€ Moreover, when we came home, got rid of all the mud we’ve brought in, showered and stuff, the clouds disappeared and it’s hot again, only more humid. Isn’t that a pure luck? πŸ˜€ Mum has some sort of ear infection, I actually was telling her not to go to the beach with it as it could only get worse, and it looks like it did get worse, she’s barely hearing on that ear. She tried using geranium for it and other home remedies, but looks like our lifestyle guru will have to see a laryngologist, probably tomorrow.

And if we were having coffee I’d tell you that Mum went to a coeliac disease specialist last Wednesday, but it looks like her referral didn’t get through to them. So now she’ll go to another one that can see her much quicker, on Tuesday, and without a referral. So she’ll have a real health week. But I hope the news she’ll get will be good.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

What I’m thankful for.

I’ve seen many people doing those thankful posts lately, so I’m joining in today.

Here goes:

Zofijka, and that she came back from the trip. It also contributes to the fact that it’s much louder here etc. but it’s good to have her back.

My crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys, and his new album, and my current crush peak.

Misha.

Yummy food.

Good and warm weather, and my cool room.

My family.

All my online friends and pen pals.

All the beautiful Norwegian music I’ve been listening today.

tea and coffee.

Books.

My blog, blogging, my readers, other blogs I read, blogosphere in general.

My comfy bed that could be for two people, but it’s just for me and I don’t have to share it with anyone.

Kefir, orange juice, and all the other cool drinks, foods, etc.

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

Let’s have some coffee guys, or whatever you like to drink. I’m curious what has happened to you this past week and how your weekend is going, and I haven’t made a Weekend Coffee Share for a while here so there are some things I need to update you on.

Aside from coffee we also have a rabbit that my Dad has made in an apparently Kashubian way, which tastes really cool. As I told you before Mum has also made a mole cake, and we still have a lot of blueberries as we bought a lot of them. And there are some muffins with raspberries as well. So make yourself comfortable and grab whatever you’d like to drink and eat.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you Zofijka has been on a trip with some of our Mum’s family, they were in the mountains, in Lower silesia. They are coming back today, and I think she’ll be home pretty soon. It’s good, but it was also really good without Zofijka, so calm and quiet, and we bonded some more with Misha, it really feels like he opened for me more, and is more trustful. Mum has less to do as well, and less to worry about. Misha is currently sleeping in my room in his little bed, he’s sleeping just like a baby. My uncle has come to Dad to help him do some technical stuff o the backyard, and he came in the house for a while, and scared Misha to death. He is so loud, jovialΒ  and very extroverted, like when he’s talking “normally”, he’s just shouting, which annoys me greatly as well, but some people just seem to be so haha, anyway Misha was the first being he stumbled upon in the house and started screaming – Kitty!!! Kitty! What a lovely kitty you are!!! Come here! – but Misha ran away and escaped to my room. A very wise decision, screamers are never ever allowed in here. This little incident seemed to exhaust him completely, ’cause he just literally crawled up to his bed and fell down on it. He’s just my boy hahaha, poor child. He looks so cute in his sleep.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you once again that my crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys has released his new album on Thursday and I am so damn excited and having a major crush peak. It feels so good having a crush peak. Life would be so much more boring without having crushes haha. I think I’d dwell on it for much longer if we were really having coffee. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I already wrote to two Polish magazines with the offer that I could write articles about names for them. One is a parenting magazine, and I know they’ve tried doing something with names in the past, but the effects, in my own opinion, were rather miserable. And the other is astrological/paranormal, you name it, generally a magazine for women. I actually didn’t plan to write to them, but my Mum told me I could, and write about the influence of names on personalities. I’m anxiously, or rather impatiently, I’m not that very anxious about it at least now, awaiting any response from them. I have no idea technically about writing articles for magazines and I don’t know anything about all the procedures they might have, but I hope it’ll work out. I have many ideas on name related articles so maybe something will interest them.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we will be having two parties next week. One is my aunt’s 40th birthday, and one is my Mum’s nameday. My Mum is planning to make a bonfire, and I don’t know anything about my aunt’s plans, but knowing her, I would be greatly surprised if she wouldn’t do anything spectacular. I’m quite anxious about it if I’m honest, though I don’t know yet whether I’ll actually go to my aunt’s. Another thing I’m pretty anxious about is the fact that my Mum will be having all the tests for coeliac disease done next week. I’m anxious about her results. Like I know something’s wrong with her health for sure, and most likely it’s some absorbtion disorder, but, quite unlike me, I still hope it’s not coeliac disease, despite quite obvious evidence. Maybe it’s just gluten intolerance? But, does it really make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things? She hasn’t felt the best lately, so on the other hand I am actually looking forward to these tests.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s freakin’ hot today. and awfully humid. We’ve had a lot of rains lately, and while most of Europe was roasting in the recent few weeks, we’ve been in quite good situation, having warm, but usually not too hot weather. But since a few days it’s awfully hot. It makes me feel sluggish and my brain, I mean head obviously, hurts like I’m going to get a migraine, but I hope that won’t happen, I’ve just had a migraine last week, I usually don’t have them so often.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ll be having feet massage next week. Just for relaxation. And my Mum too. Not at our massage therapist’s, in a different place, but anyway I am pretty curious and looking forward to it. It’ll apparently be Thai massage.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it’s likely we’ll go to the sea tomorrow. Well unless I won’t get a migraine. πŸ˜€ Then I won’t go for sure.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we have a lot of fruit and vegetables now in our garden. While Dad is caring for the vegetables, as it seems to be his new passion, and they don’t require much preserving or anything, Mum is constantly making juices, preserves, jams, jellies etc. We have particularly a lot of currants. I’ve been helping Mum a lot in the garden as there is really a lot to pick, and my Mum isn’t particularly into gardening and stuff, but as she says it’s always beter to have your own fruit, plus she’s having spine issues. I help her with processing it all too if I can, yesterday we spent a whole afternoon picking currants and making juice. Usually Zofijka is the one who helps her because Zofijka likes gardening, but since now Zofijka isn’t home, I help her. We’ve been having lots of interesting and funny conversations meanwhile.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

Tell Me Something Good.

I decided to participate in Tell Me Something Good hosted by

A Momma’s View

 

If you’d like to participate as well and share some positivity in your life with the fellow bloggers, head over to her, and take part. πŸ™‚

So, as for me, the most positive thing I guess is that my mood is pretty well recently. Like if you read my recent few posts you know there’s been a bit of a chaos in my life lately and therefore I’d been pretty low most of the time. The chaos was mainly around my luckless finals, but my family is coming to terms with the situation, and more importantly, with my decision, particularly my Mum, who is important to me. I feel now that I don’t think I’d change my decision even if she wouldn’t accept it, but since she’s like I said very important to me and her opinion usually matters to me, I am glad she’s OK with my decision.

Moreover, I feel like that incident and our raging argument on that day when we got to know I failed, has made our bond somehow even stronger, or so it feels.

Also, I’m starting to think more seriously about one of my craziest career ideas I’ve ever had. It has always hummed somewhere in the background of my brain but I didn’t think about it very seriously. For a ong time when I just dreamt about doing something like that I didn’t think it could even beΒ  possible and like legit, but now I know there are a few baby namers in the US, or maybe more that I don’t know of, but that sounds so crazily niche, I was very sceptical if such a job was actually relevant here in Poland, if anywhere at all. I’ve been helping people on boards and forums both English and Polish to find the best name for their babies, so if such forums exist, you’d think people would go there instead of paying someone to find the name for their baby, there are usually a lot of name geeks out there, or if they’re not sure, they could ask a family member for some opinion or advice… The only people that seemed like they could need a baby namer’s advice would be celebrities, who want their kids to distinguish, but don’t have enough creativity themselves, and don’t observe the trends. But now it all starts to make more sense for me.

And, again, the person who revived this idea in my mind was my Mum.

She suddenly got an idea about what I could do to make my baby naming a more special thing, particularly for more artistic/hippie parents. I won’t go into this idea now, because I don’t want to jinx it lol, and because so far it’s just plain theory and nothing more crystalised, but I really like it. I don’t think it would be my main job, I think it would rather be something with languages, I am rather sceptical that a baby namer could actually make a lot of money, even though I found sites claiming that a baby namer can earn 30000 dollars, but, hm, it seems rather ridiculous, unless their job is something more than I think. πŸ˜€ If so, that’s very interesting, I would like to know what else they do.

From there, I got another idea, and I contacted one of the AMerican baby namers I knew about, very spontaneously, particularly as for me πŸ˜€ asking her if she thinks it is actually a relevant job, if it could be of relevance in other countries and if she’d have some suggestions or hints for me as a potential baby namer, I also asked her about a bunch of other more detailed things like for example if I could also help, say, Swedish parents, because I know Swedish, have some knowledge about Swedish name trends and name conotations, but still I am not an expert in Swedish names since I don’t live there and I still have more or less outsider perspective on Swedish names and rankings.

I really love baby names and naming babies and would love to be able to do this. I would be happy if she’d write back to me, although I try not to be too optimistic about it.

So that’s my most positive thing I suppose.

Also as most of you probably know my grandparents had their 50th wedding anniversary on Saturday and had a big party as a present from their children. I was very anxious about it for various reasons, mainly social ones, but not only, but it went relatively well. I was glad of it, and although I left pretty early in comparison to most of other people and didn’t even stay for the dancing part, I was glad I went and I think the whole event went well, my grandparents seem happy. Parties are surely not my grandad’s element, but I know he was very moved they made such a great present for them, the whole party was very elegant, and my Mum says all went perfectly wel and just as planned.

Zofijka came back from her swimming camp. As much as she’s absorbing, annoying and changeable, it’s good to have her back home of course. However Misha seems to be back to his previous, timid self. Forget about sleeping on the pillow. :/ I just can’t figure out why he’s so badly scared of her. Like I understand she can be intimidating and isn’t the most delicate kid in the Earth, but is she really that scary? (…)

I know for sure we won’t be going to Sweden, which is actually not positive at all, but instead it’s very likely my parents will soon go on a trip to Szczecin (anyone eager to try to pronounce it? πŸ˜€ ). They’d go with some other of our relatives so there would be no place for none of us their children, which’s not a problem, since it looks like they’d only visit very boring places, like museums. I hate museums, I am always so terribly bored in them, and you usually visit them in summer when it’s terribly hot, and I had often the luck to faint in them. I don’t say there aren’t any interesting museums, but either way, you can rarely touch anything so I might as well stay at home watching aquarium fishes with Misha. πŸ˜€ Where I’m going to, is that then Zofijka will go for a little regenerative vacation to our grandparents, so there will be only Olek, Misha and me. Given that Olek is with his friends or at work most of the time, we’d have a blessed week just for ourselves with Misha. Maybe I’d be able to get him out of his shell again, for some longer time.

OK, that’s all from me, I guess.

What good things happened to you recently, or will happen soon? πŸ™‚

 

Question of the day.

What is on your mind, today? Anything you would like to share/get off your chest?

My answer:

As for me, there’s been a lot happening lately. As you may know, I’ve been pretty much depressed over the last few days. Sunday and Monday were awful, now things are going a little bit better, some external circumstances have taken part in it, that it’s getting a little better.

First of all, some sort of breakthrough has taken place. My Mum, my monolingual, self-doubting Mum, has started to learn English! She’s been thinking, or more like dreaming actually, about learning Italian, or maybe Russian, she does know some Russian from school, but it’s become quite rusty over time. And I kept telling her how good it would be if she knew English, because with her different interests she could find much more interesting stuff online, like she often does a lot of research about some health related topics, and it happens that things in Polish internet on that topic are just very limited, or poorly verified, or something, the more that these things she looks for are usually fairly rare in general. And she could find people that she could talk to, more people with more similar interests. I have never thought however that she could take it seriously, she always thought about learning languages as something exorbitantly difficult and just impossible for her because she “doesn’t have the gift”, whatever this gift is. So you can imagine my utter astonishment. It happened just out of the blue – I just finished my Welsh challenge and went downstairs to recharge my brain with some sugar. Mum was in the kitchen and I told her that I just finished my Welsh and then she asked me how I actualy learn languages. So I gave her a lecture, because there are tons of things I do for every language, and then she started talking about her Italian, how would it be to learn it, and would she really manage. I said she sure would, it’s just the thing of finding the best method. And then she started to look up the apps for learning languages. I told her that actually if she would really like to learn a language, I would recommend English as first because then she can have more resources to learn whichever language she wants. There sure are lots of resources to learn Italian via Polish, it is a popular language so why not, but if she wanted a really good and helpful phone app, I would rather search for an English one. There is Duolingo, which I’ve never used myself, but a lot of people I know did, and it has a Polish version, but as much as I know about it, I wouldn’t recommend it for a beginner. So then she told me she actually doesn’t mind learning English first. She brought out Zofijka’s textbooks and other books to learn English that she had, and never really used, because Zofijka absolutely hates English, and Zofijka’s flashcards. And, just started to learn English. For me it seemed very impulsive and short-lasting, but three days have passed and she’s still going, and she has mastered to be and to have in present tense, as well as transforming simple sentences into questions. She’s having a very hilarious accent, but she’s going. And she has absorbed a huge amount of vocabulary. Well, in the world that is overflowed by English, she’s got in a lot before, consciously or not, and that’s a huge plus too. The only thing that is actually very disturbing and that I guess needs much more work than her English itself, is her confidence, she just can’t get it that she can be, and actually already is, good at English, as for her level and the pace she goes on. She looks forward into future and is very nervous about how much she still has to learn, and how it all seems to be difficult, every single failure is like a proof for her that she can’t do it, and is doing everything wrong, she is frustrated that she doesn’t remember words by the first time she hears them and thinks she has bad memory. I’ve tried a million times to tell her that I am learning a third language and still have many of these issues she has, and lots of other people have it, but I guess she needs time to grasp it. And when I try to motivate her and tell her it’s not as she thinks, she thinks I’m just trying to cheer her up. But I am genuinely amazed with her progress! She’s doing really a lot each day. I asked her what’s actually her main goal, or motive behind it, because if she doesn’t have any she can finish even quicker than she started. And she told me she just wants to keep her brain fit, same as her body. She’s doing five Tibetan rites, and she thought she should do something for her brain as well. Also she hopes she could encourage Zofijka more to learn English and help her with it. I tried helping her but it is clear that she’s just not willing to learn English, she started to hate it because of her schools, also she has significant difficulties with focusing her attention – she was born one month premature and apparently some attention deficit is the result of it, or some mild learning disorder, at least that’s what our Math tutor is saying. Though Zofijka isn’t not intelligent so I think she could do better, but so far even private tutors weren’t able to help her. And Mum also wants to just have something more meaningful to do. My Mum doesn’t have any other job than, as she calls it “home manager”, so I think it would be good for her to have something more to do and that it is a reasonable goal. We are talking a lot in English, despite her limited vocabulary, so that she just gets comfortable with the language, I encourage her to learn doing some enjoyable or funny things so that it’s a pleasure for her, and she puts a lot of effort in finding the right words or at least describing things on her own. She is also using a lot of resources, yesterday she even watched Ceebeebies. So yeah that was a shock for me. And that’s also something new to me, because of course I help her with her English. I am not good at teaching or explaining things to people, particularly those things I am particularly good and keen about, but I just make sure she does everything right, provide her with some advices and make for a conversation partner for her.

Another thing is that yesterday four years have passed since I left the boarding school forever. I am so relieved anytime I think about it. But I think that’s also why I’ve got a lot of awful memories out of nowhere recently and some pretty freaky nightmares about that time.

My grandparents will soon have their 50th wedding anniversary, they will have huge celebrations because of that, and that makes me more and more anxious. There will be more than 50 people, they are mostly family but many of them I barely know or don’t know at all. There will be a huge party even with dancing, I hate this kind of parties the most. But I need to go even just for my grandad. I know he isn’t keen about all that fuss either, but just has to adjust. And that’s so weird, since the anniversary is his, and as for my gramma, she is happy but it wasn’t her who came up with the idea, it were their daughters, and they both just agreed. Normally when there is a huge party like this my grandad always knows perfectly when to take a French leave and since he knows I’d like too, he always asks me if I want to go with him and he drops me home. But since now he is a host actually, I’m sure he wouldn’t do it, no matter how much he’d like to. I heard there will be some distant relative of my Mum who is called Jacek and I’ve heard lots of good things about him, and I was looking forward at least to it, to see what he’s like and maybe have some fun, but they say he won’t come. I feel like it will be incredibly boring, most parties are so for me, and being bored and anxious among lots of people is a pretty nasty combination.

It’ll be my nameday on Saturday – and no, I’m not going to invite anyone, I celebrate the nameday of my birth name for the purpose of the family, and my actual nameday of my legal name is just for me and those I really want to have fun. Because I just can’t understand what’s so fun in inviting lots of people, providing them with food and drink, making sure they have fun and enough to eat, smalltalking and faking a smile. Sure, I like many people from my family, some I love, but who is actually celebrating, if I/my Mum are the ones who have to organise everything, invite everyone because it’s some sort of stupid rule for them, because they expect it? That will be always one of the biggest world mysteries for me. So I just want to have fun the way I like it. As some of you may remember, I planned on going to the Italian restaurant with my Mum, I invited her and offered her that we two could have some yummy food, and generally just go out together. Today I wanted to make sure if she’s still up to, and she said that no, she isn’t, because one of Dad’s brothers had his nameday yesterday and he’s making a party on Saturday and she and Dad want to go to him. That at first annoyed me, because well I told her about it much earlier and she agreed and was happy, and now she tells me she has different plans, and only when I ask her directly. But I didn’t say anything, ’cause I don’t think there was much to say, since if they agreed to go to him it would be weird to cancel now, or my Dad would have to go alone, whihc I assume would also be weird – or he would have to stay home because Mum is going with me, and it wouldn’t be fair because I would feel awkward getting him a dinner, since he’s actually my boss so he should rather get one for me, they’re theoretically still his money anyway. πŸ˜€ And I just don’t feel like taking him with us, so it wouldn’t be fair to do this to him. So yeah, I don’t want to complicate things, but I think I felt hurt ’cause it looked like she didn’t want to go with me. Not that I so desperately wanted to go to that restaurant but just to have some fun time with her, thought it would be cool, and her reaction at first was like she was happy about it. But maybe she just hasn’t much choice and has to go to my uncle’s party, I don’t think I want to investigate. Anyway, I still am going to have fun, and that’s not the end of the world. That means that me and Misha will be home alon e – Zofijka’s going to the swimming camp. I bought myself lots of spicy snacks and other treats, I also bought some for my family and for Zofijka for her camp. So I will have lots of yummy food, and I will be listening to a few of albums that came out recently and that I was looking forward to like crazy, and I really can’t wait to listen to them and make some little reviews in my diary. am also going to start my Swedish course, to make my Swedish even better. I hope that such a nice day will help me to get out of that depressive whole, ’cause recently everything really seems to be a bit overwhelming and hard to cope with, and I find it hard to be around any people around whom I have to fake anything, so most people.

How about you? What’s been on your mind lately? πŸ™‚

A bit lousy day.

Yep. It’s not the best definitely. It’s a little better now, but the morning was particularly rubbishy.

The good thing is that I finally slept well, and a lot, and didn’t have any nightmares after a few nights in a row, which’s very cool. But I woke up, and as soon as I did, I started to feel very low, and it seemed to escalate. I lingered in bed, couldn’t just motivate to do anything, which happens to me very often but I am usually able to get over it, I read my book, until I finally gave up and realised that I just can’t function normally today. I just felt so overwhelmingly depressed, I dunno, I guess PMS is getting in the way, don’t know what else could be a reason, other than that my brain just felt like being depressed today. My family had plans to go to my cousins to their new house. I knew I’m not gonna do it with how I felt, plus it’d be just boring, I have completely nothing in common with them, they’re more my parents’ age, and completely not my type of people, I know even my Mum didn’t feel like going, but there were actually my parents that were invited, so I knew they wouldn’t feel offended or disappointed or anything if I didn’t come.

I usually don’t give up for my moods so easily – maybe if I lived without anybody else it would be different, but I live with my family and I know my Mum is always very worried when she sees I’m not doing well mentally, so if I can I try to drag myself out of bed and do things as normally as possible. But today I didn’t have the slightest bit of motivation to anything and felt hopeless and very very blah, so I told Mum I’m having migraine. I felt like she’ll be maybe a bit less worried then. I didn’t even go to the church with them, just the simple thought of being around other people made me feel sick. So I just lied and tried to read and even slept more. Sleep has always been my favourite way of escaping the reality if it’s too shitty. So apart from having a lot of sleep at night, I’ve also had a whole lot of sleep today. I had some very gloomy and dark dreams though. When they were out I was only waking up to fed Misha or let him in or out. I know, very shitty of me to be so very lazy, and so selfish to not play with him even for a while and leave him completely on his own, but my brain just wasn’t cooperating. Finally though I woke up for good and had to face my depression, I felt incredibly emotional and self-hating and lonely, although at the same time I felt like I wouldn’t stand a single, even the most supportive human being around me. There was only Misha, I didn’t have any choice and had to stand him, πŸ˜€ and I was very grateful for him. He’s been actually sticking to me all the time today, which is so very rare for him, and the more appreciated. I couldn’t resist the thought that if there’s anyone really understanding me in this freaky world, it is Misha, hands down. We even had a chat yesterday with Mum about Misha, you know, all that stuff about how fearful he is, recently it’s been a lot on my mind, ’cause, I can understand if it’s his feature, but I’m a bit anxious whether maybe it’s our house environment that has made him this way, or something else we or I have done wrong with him. And then my Mum summed it up and said “I think that’s just how he is – so anxious and avoidant” – and then she laughed and grinned that after all I am his mama, so maybe it’s hereditary – you know, AVPD and stuff. And then I laughed too, because as I thought about it Misha was so so much like me. Wanting, but not wanting to be around people, and if you just took the diagnostic criteria for AVPD and compared Misha to them, I think he could have it hahaha. Oh, sorry, Misha! Apart from his self-esteem, which is obviously as high as it should be expected in a spoiled child. Btw can animals have mental disorders, other than depression? Or maybe it’s just the rule that who keeps company with the wolf will learn to howl? Just laughing.

Anyway, I spent the whole afternoon with Misha, and thanks God for him, he always knows when he’s really really needed. Then I finally managed to shower and realised I haven’t eaten anything today so we both ate, but just a little – Misha because he’s just eaten and me because I shortly after realised that actually I’m not hungry – and then I was going to vegetate in bed for the rest of the day but finally motivated myself to not do it, I felt like I had a little bit more energy.

So my family had come back home and I managed to smalltalk with them even, and help Mum brush Misha. It’s still not OK, but good enough to function among other people.

I felt like some bigger mood dip is coming and I guess it’s finally here, ew… Hope though that I’ll have more enrgy to live and that it goes away soon, otherwise I might have to think about some antidepressants, my life isn’t very dynamic right now but I wouldn’t like it to go this way, it can’t be so when you’re around people and don’t want to seem constantly depressive, I need to have the energy and resources to at least pretend convincingly. I have gotten used to my depressive mood but for other people it’s not normal, and for my close family it’s frustrating.

So that’s all from me today, not very positive, but I wanted to do at least one constructive thing today and writing is what I usually do the best while being low, if anything, I’m totally not in the mood for my languages today, although I’m reading a book in Swedish, but it’s for kids, so not much thinking or figuring out is necessary.

Oh shit! Poland has just lost against Colombia. Shamin guys. 3 to 0 shit. Now my Dad’s gonna be depressed too. I supposed they might lose, though I hoped they won’t this time. My Mum was sure they will lose. I think people here make too much fuss around that Worldcup thing and around ur representation, so the more they’ll feel disappointed now.

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share – Eclectic Alli

 

Anyone up for a cuppa? πŸ™‚ Me, definitely so! Although I’ve had one before.

But I didn’t get any sleep last night, so for me it’s normal that I can’t live without coffee then.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask each one of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d like to thank those of you who supported me on Thursday when I was in so much anxiety. If you’d like to catch up on what happened to get what I’m writing about and what’s beenΒ  such a big deal for me, read this post.

And even if we weren’t having coffee, I’d like to thank all of you for your support, it means so so much to me. This past week wasn’t the worst, but it was a bit scary sometimes, for some reason my anxiety was really through the roof sometimes. And today it isn’t the best either, but it’s much better now and I manage. Plus who isn’t anxious when having a Zombie day? Even normal people are, I guess, even just a bit. As for my emetophobia, it stayed with me for quite a while after that incident, I’m so happy nothing major happened to Zofijka’s friend, but I couldn’t eat anything at all until the next DAY when I woke up, and I had some emetophobic dreams, very yucky, my brain can be really inventive sometimes when it comes to creating dreams, full respect to it for that, even I don’t think I could ever be as inventive as my brain is with some of my dreams.

And, as for that appointment with massage therapist, ugh, I was very very very scared. I just had so much crappy experience with all sorts of orthopaedists, physiotherapists, surgeons, massage therapists, naah… I’m not gonna talk about it now, I told you a bit in that earlier post and that’s already quite a lot I think. And I was just sure it’s gonna be just the same. But the more rational part of me wanted to go to see if he can help me maybe do better at horse riding, or the Tibetan exercises. I was shaky, but I went there although I wuld most gladly not do it. And it turned out that I indeed did a good thig going there. This guy, and how he approached me, was completely different than I expected. I thought he’d be just like everyone of similar profession before, very condescending, talking to my Mum instead of me, and looking at me as a museum exhibit and scaring the shit out of me way more than necessary, if it’s necessary at all.

At first I waited while he massaged my Mum. I brought my book with me, but it turned out useless, because I really engaged in the conversation they both had. I mostly listened, but it was very interesting. Mum’s massage therapist is from Ukraine, and apart from being a massage therapist he’s also a physician, iridologist and such, I’d say a bit like a quake, but with a medical education. And they talked about many interesting things. Mostly my Mum – who is very interested in lifestyle asked him about what he thinks about different things that she does or uses to improve her health, and he also was describing to us how e’s working with people as a hypnotherapist, which was fascinating to listen to, even though I’m not that much convinced that hypnotherapy could work, but still, I like to hear different people’s opinions on such things. He seemed very laid back and communicative overall, and I knew why Mum told I’ll like him, we both generally like versatile people.

Then it was time for me. I was very very very scared. He wanted to look at me at first so he could see if and how my muscles are indeed contracted. I felt very exposed, I’m not really comfortable with people studying me like that, but luckily it didn’t last long, and I don’t think my anxiety was very visible. He told me that yes, I do have some muscles very tense but it’s probably just stress-related. So my Mum felt relieved because she thought it’s something serious. Then he looked at my feet and he said there can’t be much done now, but it’s not that bad as it could be and he doesn’t understand all the drama the other doctors have made about it if it’s not painful for me in normal life circumstances. Like sure it is a defect but way too small to make so much fuss about it. Oh, that was just how I’ve been always feeling about it, but of course have never told anyone abut it, because, apparently, health professionals should know their business and what they do and why, so who I or my Mum was to argue. So then he told me that it would be good if I had massages from time to time just to relax my muscles and my body and my brain So I agreed and then he massaged me for like an hour.

I wasn’t triggered anymore, so I started to feel like the anxiety is letting out of me slowly, and the massage really helped me to relax, in fact at one point when no one of us talked I almost fell asleep, even though it was rather dynamic. We talked about people’s brains, and our cat who is Misha and his brother who is Misha too and how similar they are. He gave me many advices. He told me that I am “way too skinny”, which, well, actually doesn’t bother me and I don’t know what to do about it to change it, I don’t stick to any restrictive diet, well any diet at all, other than eat whatever you want, well except for my emetophobic quirks, I don’t move more than I want to or have to, and that’s one of the reasons why I actually don’t believe I could have hypothyroidism, just only hypopituitarism. After some long discussion he agreed with me that I could be misdiagnosed or “overdiagnosed” in childhood, and that let us all to discussing our health services and health services across the Europe, actually, and then we even talked about politics. I hate smalltalking with people I don’t know, so it started to feel much more at ease that we talked about something speciffic. πŸ˜€ He gave me a lot of advices as for what I should eat to gain some more weight in a healthy way, well, we’ll try how it works. And he told me how I can naturally deal with low blood pressure, and my Mum too. Then my Mum talked to him about her most favurite topic which is honestly becoming very boring to me lately because she’s constantly nagging at me about it – namely vitamin D. And by the way he told me something I was really glad to hear, that I don’t have to sit directly on the sun and roast like my Mum to get vitamin D. Actually I shouldn’t, my Mum has a very dark complexion in comparison to me, so for her it’s OK, but I should apparently rather sit in more shady places and that apparently when the sun light is reflecting for example through the trees it still can give you vitamin D. So I can still stay my Gothic self while getting enough vitamin D. πŸ˜€ I really don’t feel like myself with the sunburn. πŸ˜€ So it was a huge relief. And OMG I made a shocking discovery I love when people massage my feet. Later on I told Mum about it that it felt so cool, and she told me that when I was a baby she was massaging my feet because she heard that when you press on some places on your feet you can stimulate optic nerve via acupressure or something like that, and, ya know, she was desperate for me to see, obviously, so maybe that’s why I like it so much if she did it so often. And she laughed that when I’ll finally start to look for a husband, I should not only look for a Jack with both Viking and Celtic blood, but also for a Jack, who would be eager to massage my feet. πŸ˜€ Lol that’s undoubtedly something to consider, if I’ll be ever looking for my Jack seriously. πŸ˜€ I have been to other massage therapists before and of course since I have issues with feet I’ve had feet massages, but they were mainly to stretch my legs muscles, and it hurt like hell, so that afterwards I felt like a jelly and could barely walk normally.

Anyway, afterwards, I felt like most of the anxiety I had was gone. I was so glad it wasn’t so triggering as I thought it’d be assuming from my previous experiences, I would never expect that. He told me that if I’ll feel a lot of tension I can come back and after like four sessions I should definitely see some difference. Honestly I’m a bit skeptical, because I’ve been so tense and hypervigilant all my life that I don’t really know how it is to feel otherwise, but that sounds very cool.

On the way back we got chips – a certainly very healthy food that will help me gain weight healthily, but, oh, wel, we just wanted to have chips, who cares.

I actually thought I’d sleep just fine after so much relaxation but also stimulation for my muscles, I was exhausted as we got home, but for some reason I couldn’t. My Mum couldn’t as well though (a very rare thing for her, she’s normally a heavy sleeper).

As I wrote you in last post, we have some issues with Dad recently, but I won’t go int it now since I’ve already wrote about it. That’s just soo annoying.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we’ll probably have a bonfire tonight. I don’t know though whether I’ll be there with them, depends how I’ll be functioning in the evening without sleep and how late it will be, there will be some Dad’s family, so I wouldn’t like to fall asleep and fall off the bench in front of them, they’re always so judgmental I can imagine them anxiously making suspicions that I have to be addicted to something and trying to guess what could it be. πŸ˜€ No of course I’m trying to kid rather poorly, but I don’t think I’ll be in the mood to talk to people and laugh at their poor jokes when the only thing I’ll be thinking about will be sleep.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that holidays have finally started for everyone f us, not just for me. Zofijka and Olek got their diplomas and Olek has officially graduated and is a car mechanic. I really hope he’ll find a good job and will be able to do something interesting for him in life.

Oh, and if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday I made another interesting discovery – I can understand MORE Welsh. Like, I started level 3 of my course, and, without some more sophisticated words, and with some deduction and more focusing, I can pretty much understand the news on BBC Radio Cymru. YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! That was so rewarding. I didn’t feel any major progress in months until now, and it started to feel a little, little bit frustrating. Not like I’m not prepared or familiar with frustration related to learning a language so even if I wouldn’t see any progress in the next few months I wouldn’t give up, but it felt good that finally I was able to see something is really going forward. Though, have I told you I’m planning to get some additional Swedish lessons online? When I’m reading something more intellectual, I feel like my linguistic skills are often not enough, I have to check up so many things yet. I would like to polish it a bit more, to make it more natural, get more vocabulary in, and there still are some little grammar things that always confuse me. Oh but I guess I was writing abut it before.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that my parents’ friend’s mum has died. They went to her funeral today. I am at home with Zofijka and Misha. Zofijka’s fascination with skunks is flourishing! She’s starting to notice though how niche her interest is. Recently she was looking for a skunk emoji, and couldn’t find any. That’s the life of a freak. πŸ˜€ Well I don’t think she’s one, she’s a fairly typical girl her age besides those skunks, but at least now she has a choice and can choose herself, what she wants to be. Although there was a period in my life when I was quite a typical girl too (what? you don’t believe me?! :O ), I really was, and when I finally saw how it is to be different, I chose to be different.

OK, so that’s it from me today, I think.

What would YOU tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

Question of the day.

What is the last thing you drank?

My answer:

Kefir to lunch. Lots of kefir. I love kefir (if you don’t know it yet, I am afraid I said it too many times already). If you haven’t ever tried kefir, you definitely should, if you’ll get an occasion. I just feel with my whole brain for all those people who haven’t even drank kefir, and even more for those who have, and like it, but it’s not available in every single supermarket as it is here so they have to do a big research any time they want kefir. It wasn’t long ago that I’ve learned about this cruel reality in some countries. And that’s one of those big big reasons for which no matter how many favourite countries I may have, Poland will be always my MOST favourite. πŸ˜€ Swedes have fil mjΓΆlk, which is nice, but only a meek alternative to kefir. I couldn’t live like that. Am I a kefiroholic? What are the side effects of it? Well, to be honest, I don’t particularly care. So that means I probably am already addicted.

And you? I mean not whether you are addicted to kefir of course, but what was your last drink. πŸ˜€ Although if there are any fellow kefir addicts, I’ll be more than happy to read about your experiences. πŸ˜‰

Question of the day.

Is there anything you’re looking forward to?

My answer:

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. We’ll be going to Hel. No, not to hell. πŸ˜€ Actually we have a village nearby that is literally called something like Little Hell, but we’re going neither to big or little hell. We’re going to the Hel Peninsula with only one l. Mum, Zofijka, our cousin Dominika and me. We’re going there by train. We’ll have a walk at the beach, the girls will maybe go see the sealarium and we’ll have ice cream, or waffles. I think that’s nice. I’m looking forward to it and I feel like I really need to go out of the house but somewhere else than to our extended family or to do something that needs to be done, I’ll be glad to go.

Also I’m looking forward to my nameday and going with Mum to the Italian restaurant and doing other fun things together. And I’m looking forward to Zofijka’s swimming camp. Zofijka finishes the school year on Friday and we all know she’s always very bored when she doesn’t go to school. It’s not like she likes school, that stage is gone, but she finds it hard to play or find herself things to do on her own, she constantly needs the company, even to watch her playing and admire her, and sometimes it’s pretty annoying for all of us. So I’ll be happy when she’ll go if she’ll be enjoying it. And I think she will.

Anotehr thing I’m looking forward is finishing my current Welsh course level and starting the new one, as well as starting my new Swedish course to improve my skills in this language.

And I’m looking forward to tell you about my two new blogging ideas, particularly about my name game, and I’m terribly curious what you will think about it guys.

Oh, and I am looking forward to 27th June. Not like I’m gonna do anything special on that day, although maybe I’ll come up with something, but it will be the fourth year since I left the boarding school for good, and of course I’m very glad about it and I’m glad so much time has passed since then and that I’ve done so much in that time. In a way it feels very little, but I know that I was able to progress a lot in many fields and process lots of stuff. Maybe I’ll buy tons of junk food and just have a big big treat. πŸ˜€

And yes, I’m loking forward, more and more impatiently, for my finals results. It’s slowly driving me crazy you have to wait for them for so long. But I’m sure there are thousands of other graduates across the whole country who are far more stressed about their results, who know what they’d like to do with their lives but all depends on those stupid exams.

What are you looking forward to, if anything? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

How are you, today?
My answer:
I’m OK, and I’m glad about it after last week which was pretty rough for me emotionally. I’m not doing anything paticular today, was supposed to see my new therapist, but she had to reschedule our session. We had a lot of snuggle time with Misha earlier today when Mum went out with Zofijka to the orthodontist and there were just we at home. They’ve come back already though. Mum told us she’ll make rice croquettes with mushrooms which we all like except for Dad but he’s at work until tomorrow so we don’t have to worry about him and have what we like. πŸ˜€ So both Zofijka and me are looking forward to it and although Olek doesn’t know anything about it yet, I’m sure he’ll be delighted, I guess he likes them the most of us. So I think I’m gonna have a calm and peaceful day. I plan on reading a lot today – I got a great book from Carol Anne blogging at Therapy Bits, it’s a foster care memoir by Maggie Hartley called “Tiny Prisoners”. I’ve just read her another book, “Battered, Broken, Healed”, and I have also read one more book by her before and they’re all great. The one I’m reading now is absolutely intriguing. Misha’s had a lot going on for him recently, but I think I’ll let him talk about it on his own tomorrow, he’d be disappointed if I told you everything, he’s always so desperate to have somethigng interesting to say and talk to people about his new “adventures”. πŸ˜€ Poor child.
Last Sunday we had a barbecue with my Mum’s family, it was my cousin’s First Communion anniversary, and there was one cat on the backyard who particularly liked me, although apparently she’s generally very cuddly. She literally spent all that time we were there on my lap, which was very nice of her and I absolutely loved her, at least I wasn’t bored. πŸ˜€ I couldn’t help though comparing her to Misha. It’s not like I would want Misha to be any different, he wouldn’t be Misha then, but still I sometimes regret he’s not more cuddly and wonder why he’s always so fearful. It doesn’t look like he’s just a stereotypical, selfish cat who only wants to be lonely and not disturbed by humans. Maybe I’m exaggerating or pick holes in it, but for me he looks like he has some sort of weird internal conflict. He often meows when he’s lonely, he wants to get in when the door is closed, for example to my room when he knows I’m in and he hhrrrus at me to let him in. Then he’ll usually rub my leg very subtly and hide undeer the bed or the table. And you usually won’t be able to coax him out of there, unless he’s hungry and you have some snacks for him, but even then he’ll be usually very wary and hesitant. He sometimes comes near me or anyone else of us, but if you turn to him or try to touch him, he’ll usually seem scared. He has his cuddly moods, but usually he’s very cautious, and for me that’s worrying. At the same time, when he’s in my room and I try to make him comfortable and do my own thing not paying any attention to him, he meows, scratches things around me, comes close to me to rub me and then runs away before I can touch him. So, for me, he looks like he’s somehow conflicted. Well if it’s really the case he seems like me haha. But I hope it’s just because he’s so young, and he’s very lively and wants to do things on his own, explore the world, and isn’t old and calm enough to just be cuddled all the time and purr. We are a bit afraid that he could be a bit overwhelmed of Zofijka. You see, when Misha came to us, he was a very little, scared kitten and his breeder told us that until he adapts, we’d better act like he’s just not here and not pay any attention to him. He cried a lot and it took some time for him to adapt, but it was impossible to keep Zofijka away from him. She couldn’t resist to pick him up every so often, cuddle him, chase him… Sofi’s quite a noisy, veery active kid so he actually looked like he’s scared of her. She meant the best and was very affectionate with him, but he didn’t feel very comfortable with her, and it looked like he didn’t trust her. I tried to keep her away from Misha because Misha’s officially mine since I had bought him with a little support of my parents, but obviously I wouldn’t tell her that he’s only mine, if he lives with all of us so unofficially he’s mine and Zofijka’s, although I have a feeling that the person he secretly prefers is Mum, which I’m OK with it and which is understandable since she makes him food most of the time, like prepares his wet food or gives him some human food while making meals, changes the water in his main bowl, and always cleans up his litterbox. After some time he started to be more comfortable around Zofijka and he likes to play with her, although is particularly cautious and doesn’t like to be touched by her more than necessary. and I wonder sometimes whether it is she who kinda screwed him up, that he’s so wary around people. Was she too intrusive for him and was it too early for him for such close interactions? Or was he already somehow traumatised before? Is it just his personality? ‘Cause in a way I doubt Zofijka could screw him up so much, after all she loves him to pieces, and she wouldn’t harm him purposefully.
Where I’m going to is that when I saw that cat at my grandparents’ backyard, I started to think more about getting another cat, for Misha. For me, and for all of us, Misha’s just enough. But we’ve often discussed whether it would be good for Misha to have a friend. In contrast to people, he seems to crave contact with other animals. And maybe if the other cat would be like her, so cuddly and sweet, Misha would see that there’s nothing wrong with being cuddled and nothing bad is going to happen to him. And he’d have a playmate. I felt even tempted, and I know my Mum was too, to take that cute girl with us and I even started to call her Michelle, but obviously it wouldn’t be a wise idea. She’s spent her whole life on te backyard and she wouldn’t be happy closed in the house, she wouldn’t adapt.
I had awful allegy after so much cuddling with Michelle – that’s weird that I am allergic to cats, but not to Misha πŸ˜€ – but it was so nice to cuddle with her. She purred so loudly, our poor boy Mishka likes to purr but it’s always a very silent purr, so you’d rather feel it under your fingers if you touch his neck, than hear it. Mum has even a theory he has something with his throat or something like this because his purr is rarely heard if you don’t lie next to him, with your ear next to his head. But I still hope it’s all just because he’s still so very young. And, actually, I don’t mind how loud or quiet he purrs, quieter purring is more intimate and just for you, no one else around can hear it, it’s not for anyone. In a way, such sensitive beings like Misha are much better than such affectionate kittys like Michelle. Michelle purred so loudly that everyone could hear it, although they talked, laughed, ate, walked around… and when I finally had to leave, I gave her to my cousin, and Michelle still purred, expecting more cuddles, so it wasn’t about me, it was about any human being who would be around to pet her. That’s not the case with Misha. Misha might not be cuddly all the time, and might not purr all the time, but when he does, he does for those whom he really knows and likes, and who love him. So far, it had never happened that Misha would sing his litle purry song to any stranger, other than my grandad, who is generally liked by cats for some mysterious reason. And that’s what I love about Misha. As a mum wouldn’t like her child to be indifferent whether it is her or a stranger taking care of the child, so I wouldn’t like my furbaby to have the same feelings for me, and any random person who cmes in to our house. That’s what I’ve been thinking about for a while now.
How are you doing? πŸ™‚

Does anyone remember me yet? :/

Hhrrru?

It’s Misha. Does anyone remember me? Did anyone miss me? I know I haven’t talked to you in ages, but it’s not my fault. It’s Mila’s. There’s been so much I wanted to tell you, but she was busy all the time and very selfish and didn’t let me write anything for sooo long. And I am afraid no one will remember me now.

But now Mila says she will have time to write for me so I hope she will do it. I really missed you all.

Has anything interesting or funny happened to you during my absence? Please tell me about it. There have been lots of things happening to me, but I sleep so much lately that I forget everything quickly and my Mishbrain gets a hard reset every so often.

My main trouble is still that they don’t let me out. Sometimes they let me, but only on a leash. I was out on my own for a tiny little while a few times but then peoples were always so mad at me. and when I am in the house they’re mad at me too. Because I’m meowing and crying all the time when I see the sun. I just want to be out on my own. I’ve heard that many cats can just go around on their own and go out or in the house as they want. I want it too. I told Zofijka about it, but Zofijka said I am an aristocrat and aristocrats can’t do such things. I don’t want to be aristocrat. I want to go out and run, fight with other cats, catch birds and other animals and eat them, have a girlfriend, wallow in smelly things, feel the taste of things in the bins, have someone to play and argue with. Being a Russian tsar is boring. But no one listens to me either way. When it’s not sunny I forget about the other world and it’s good and then I’m glad I have my yummy sauces, comfy pillows, lots of snacks, chicken breasts, can lounge on the beds, don’t have to share anything with anyone. So actually I don’t know what I want. Mum says that’s puberty for me and that it’ll pass, but I don’t even know if I want it to pass, I want my freedom, and I want to stay comfy.

You know what I’ve heard recently? Mum and Mila talked that I will get a new toy. And it will be a very exceptional toy. I still don’t know what it will be and when I will get it, but I want to have it now. I can’t wait to see it. I am so bored.

Any peoples or animals want to talk to me? I’m so bored and lonely. What have you been up to?

Mishest regards and Mishhugs.

Misha

It’s over.

Yeah, can’t believe it! πŸ˜€ My shitty finals are OVER!!! And no matter what will be my results from the written ones, I am still proud of myself, because of the oral exams. And OMG I was so lucky yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday was my last exam, oral Polish exam. I won’t lie, I was pretty stressed before it. I am rather good at Polish as a school subject, I love Polish as a language and I guess I know a lot about it, but this whole list of obligatory readings we have is overwhelming at its best. I guess it’s not a thing in most countries, but here, no matter on which educational stage you are (well I don’t know how about uni, but below it for sure) you have a very speciffic list of books that are obligatory to read that your class has to do and there are speciffic books for all years of school. The original purpose of it is to promote readership, ’cause, you know, in other circumstances some people, particularly little children, would hardly read anything, I still know people who only read obligatories, or just their summaries, Zofijka would be the perfect example, although she’s still young so things will hopefully change. On the other hand these books are usually incredibly boring, well that’s my opinion, so I really don’t know how they can help in increasing general readership, but well, that’s not my problem and that’s not the purpose of this post to write about it in detail. There are a lot of them so it’s rarely manageable to do all of them during a school year unless discussing obligatory books would be the only thing you’d do during Polish, and some of these books are more optional than others, but still somehow you are expected to know them all perfectly for your finals, because you never know what question you may get on the exam, and most of the question evolve at least partly around these books. So I was kinda worried what if I’ll get a question about a book I know very poorly or don’t know at all. You know, if you know the topic at least superficially, you can always say something, but if you know barely anything, it’s hard to pretend it’s otherwise. So I was hoping for some possibly light and versatile question or a question about the book I know really well and which we’ve done in class.

Luckily I could get some more sleep yesterday because my exam was to start not earlier than at 10:30 AM so we left at 7 AM to get there. Zofijka wasn’t going with us this time. When we got to the school, I had just 15 minutes to my exam.

I came in and drew the question, got the sheet and other stuff and had max 30 minutes to prepare to the talking. Normally it’s 15 minutes, but when you’re disabled you always get those fucking 15 mins extra which I hate, because I am usually done with everything long before the standard time finishes no matter whether it’s easy or difficult and no matter whether I did it well or wrong, and then there’s lots of fuss about it that I finished so early, I think if all those experts are so nice to adjust exams to us, there are plenty more things to think of than this, I don’t think many people make use of soooo much time, not all disabled students are disabled because of learnign disabilities.

I looked at my question… and you know what? I actually started to laugh, because it was so damn easy! I did some very brief notes but I doubt it even took me five minutes. So of course the committee was very surprised.

The topic I had to talk about was to describe changes in modern Polish language. You know, stuff like what the fact that people communicate via Internet or texting has changed in the language, for example, or lots of new words, etc. I got a text about it to read and then discuss it, say something about my own experiences in communication and what changes in the language I personally have noticed, and also talk about one more work, either a book, or a film, or even a song, anything that could illustrate how the language has changed.

So, ahem… well, ain’t I lucky? πŸ˜€ I talked and talked and talked. I was so afraid of this monologue, but this was such a broad topic, and one that I could really talk about a lot, so it was very easy for me to talk about it for 10 minutes. I am a huge language freak and I always notice the slightest things about how people are talking, writing, when they say things wrong or write something incorrectly or slapdash, or ignore all the punctuation or diacritics or write slapdash, and it usually drives me crazy far more than it should, I guess, well unless someone does it on purpose, ironically or something, then it can be cool at times. I’m of course talking about Polish, not English or any other language, since I don’t feel like an expert in any other language, although I am also very attentive for details in other languages. πŸ˜€ SO it was a perfect topic for me and I was talking about it actually quite expressively, I think, and I made the committee interested, because when I finally got to the limit and didn’t have anything else to say and we got to the part in which they could ask me questions, they had a lot and we had quite a lively discussion hahaha.

I came out after like 15 minuteswhile there were 45 in total for me, πŸ˜€ and there were already all the other students that are graduating from that school and passing their finals sitting in the waiting room, also that girl whom I know from the integration school about whom I’ve written before. I’ve seen all of them on Tuesday and although felt very tongue-tied around them then, I now knew them a bit better and we smalltalked while waiting for the results and supported those who were still to have the exam. Smalltalk is certainly not my favourite activity and it’s absolutely draining, especially that there were lots of them (yes 9 people is a lot, if you didn’t know it before, in my classification it’s a crowd) and they all knew each other while I was new, but I felt like it would be even worse if I wouldn’t talk to them at all. But we waited for so long that finally me and my Mum decided to go out to the park and have ice cream and one of the guys there offered he’ll call us when they’ll be announcing results so we could go with no issues.

I told Dad how well my exam went and how it’s actually a miracle because I’ve heard from others there were tons of other absolutely stupid questions which other people got with which I wouldn’t manage even half as well as with that one and that was just something perfect for me. I was feeling very high, well it was such a moodswingy day for me. I felt like I love the whole world and all the people together and every single individual on its own, and I think my Dad felt quite the same. We just sat in the park with ice cream and were observing nursery kids, to which, particularly my Dad, wouldn’t turn even the slightest attention in other circumstances. But we were watching them quite amazed, my Dad even in a rather maudlin way, I’d say. πŸ˜€ How much one small success and a strong feeling of relief can change in people’s attitudes. πŸ˜€ Wonder how people act just after they get to know they’re millionaires. πŸ˜€ Maybe that’s why so many millionairies support charities or children. πŸ˜› My Mum on the other hand was very happy that I cut that awful Maggie (the headmistress) down to size once again and was sure I’ll get 100% once again. I wasn’t as sure, but anyway, I was happy my exams are actually over and the last one went so well. I was rather stressed on the prospect of seeing her again to announce my result to me, was afraid she’ll manage to crack me up once again, but even though felt rather confident and really proud of myself, although Maggie (my inner critic) had still other things to complain about, but I didn’t listen to her, or pretended I don’t, even though she tried to scream as loud as she could.

Finally the break started so they had results for all of us who’ve already taken the exam. I came in and once again the headmistress asked me how much I think I got, this time there was max 40 points to get. Silently I hoped for 40, but just in case I said only 35. She said that the committee rated me much higher and I got 100%. I was slightly surprised this time, even though I really wanted it to happen and know I did the exam really well.

– 100%? Again?! –

The committee started to laugh, and the headmistress said, not without some bitterness, that it seems to be my manner and that it’s not much of a surprise for me. I laughed and said it starts to be a little boring. It was a surprise for me, but it wasn’t at the same time, I’d say, if it makes any sense for anyone else than me.

Luckily she didn’t say anything more at all. I only waited for that girl with whom I was going to the integration before and who was in the same class as Olek to hear her result which was also very good. Everyone congratulated me, my Mum almost cried, as always in similar situations.

I felt like all the stress from the whole past year is suddenly going out of me and it felt so good. Sure, I still don’t know what I will do with myself now, no idea at all, but it’s so good to feel that this stressful and boring at the same time, stage in my life is over and I can now finish my education if I want to, which I definitely want, or at least have a break from it for a while, I’m so indescribably fed up of our education system, I mean of any education system that could possibly exist, believe me. I don’t say I am completely breaking up with the education system, if I’ll pass that damn math, I would love to study Celtic studies online at University Of Wales Trinity Saint David, but I just don’t know how things will go, even if I pass.

The headmistress’ assistant came to my Mum and gave her the address of the website where I can check out my results before they’ll be sent out to the school. Mum asked her if I could maybe have my certificate sent home and not go all the way to school and back again in July and it turns out that no, but we can ask the district committee to not send it to the school and then we can take it from the district committee, since it’s closer, and less stressful for me for sure, I really don’t want to go to that school anymore again. I told Mum that anytime I’d been there, I felt like something horrible was about to happen. Hard to specify what or even what kind of thing, but just something horrible. Probably just because of all that horrific and I guess triggering stuff that happened to me when I came there for the first and second time. Mum asked me whether I could be afraid that she leaves me, and, although it sounds so irrational, I said that maybe yes, maybe that was it what I was afraid of happening, hard to say though.

On the way home Mum was calling all the family to tell them I passed both English and Polish oral exams for 100% and my Dad was doing the same but with his job colleagues, even if most of them didn’t really care and didn’t even know he had a daughter, but he also wanted to let it out somewhere.

It feels so good to be over it all. Dad asked me when I am making a party to celebrate it. I said that before we can have a party we need to know what my other results will be like. Of course we were joking and I am not planning on making any parties, we’ve all wasted too much energy and sleep already.

But I thought it could be nice to celebrate it in some other way, however don’t have any clever ideas yet.

Any suggestions, anyone? Or has anyone of you any ideas how we could celebrate it here in My Inner MishMash? πŸ˜‰ My brain doesn’t seem to be very cooperative now, so, any suggestions/wishes/ideas are appreciated. πŸ˜€

Surprise!

So as some of you could notice before from my activity on your blogs, I’m back since a while now. We came back much earlier than we thought we’d do. It was because the weather yesterday was really crappy and rainy, unlike last week, so if we wanted to stay in Bydgoszcz until THursday, with one day completely free of my exams, we’d be bored to death, not being able to do anything other than vegetating in a hotel room or hanging around the rainy streets, which wasn’t something appealing to neither of us, in addition in the morning I happened to sit on the ax, which is how my Dad calls having a period πŸ˜€ so I really didn’t feel the best despite taking two Pyralgines.

I had only three hours of sleep, but it’s always something, although we all were very sleepy. Zofijka decided in the last minute that she wants to go with us. We got to school about nine, and then me and Mum had to wait because another girl was passing the exam. In the meantime we were talking with one of English teachers at that school, who actually made me realise that it was English exam first, not Polish, as I thought. She seemed a little scared when she realised I thought it was otherwise, you know, she thought I was maybe not prepared and stuff, but I was actually relieved, I much prefer having English exam than Polish, I’m a little afraid of the Polish one because I’ve heard multiple times it’s such a lottery, they can actually ask you about anything, including obligatory readings that your class didn’t do, because there are so many of them you can’t do all of them and be prepared for everything. It would maybe be better to have the worse thing first, but anyway, I was glad it was English. As the girl before me came out, it turned out that we were going to the same school for a while, when I was in the integration for two years. My brother Olek was then in the same school as me, and she was in the same class as he. So then the committee called me and I was actually happy I can now demonstrate my skills, I like talking in other languages unless the circumstances aren’t too stressful, and because I had a teacher for a little while at the beginning of this school year who was coming to me to just prepare me to my finals, more technically than linguistically, I knew how this exam will look like and wasn’t anxious at all. I had lots of conversations with my teacher on even a higher level it all was completely manageable. At first there was a little issue though because I didn’t bring my ID. I knew that ID is needed for your finals, but when I was coming on all the previous ones, they didn’t ask for it at all, so I didn’t bring it this time. But luckily there were lots of people who could declare that I am me so then it went smoothly.

At first they always ask you two questions, kinda for a warm up, and in my case they were what qualities I seek in a friend and… surprise, surprise… what foreign languages I’d like to speak. πŸ˜€ So I provided them with a whole list, which as I think, made quite a big impression on them, as I believe did my accent. πŸ˜€ I listen to a lot of British stuff like BBC programmes, so it was easy for me to pick kinda standard British accent. Sometimes I talk in a more Northern way or may try to talk in other British accents in more informal situations. Although I’m sure I still have some kind of Ponglish too, as I’ve never been to any English-speaking country. But on Polish people my English accent always makes an impression. πŸ˜€ So then I drew the set of actual exam questions. At our finals, we always hhave a kinda roleplay to play between a student and an examinator. You get the instructions with a brief description of a situation and things you need to bring up in the conversation. In my case, the situation was that someone stole something from a shop and I witnessed it. And I had to talk about it with a friend, played by a lady from the committee, and tell them what I’m going to do now etc. And then when we did it, she asked me about a sport event in which I’d like to take part, so I told that I would like to take part in another horse riding competition, because it’s been a while since my last one and I miss it a lot. Then she also asked me if I have friends who regularly attend some sport events so I told her I don’t, I only have a brother who is a supporter of Legia-GdaΕ„sk (this is a football team) and is always willing to support them on their matches, even if it involves driving across the country at times. Then she asked me whether I like to actively spend free time. I told her that although I spend most of my free time doing things that don’t involve too much activity and movement, I do like being active, especially if we’re talking about horse riding, and I also go for a walk with my Mum very frequently. Then she asked me whether cinemas are popular and why so I told her that yes, I think they are. Although people can watch movies online and almost everything seems to be available online, I feel like there still are people who like to just go out in the evening, get some popcorn and Pepsi and watch a film in the cinema, that must have some atmosphere for them, I believe. And then she asked me what kind of art is most important, so I said I can only say what’s most important and beautiful for me. I’d say most people would choose visual arts, but for me it would be music, because it is so relatable, so cathartic and international. and the last question she asked me what would I choose, a classical music concert, or a rock music concert in the open air, if I was going for a concert with friends. I said that although I appreciate and like classical music, I’d rather choose the latter because I feel like many people don’t understand and don’t like classical music, rock is much more accessible and relatable, I know people who just fall asleep listening to classical music, so just the latter would be a safer option, plus I too like rock in general slightly more than classical music.

The whole exam lasted for not longer than 12 minutes and I was really glad of myself. TO be honest, I didn’t think there was anything in it that I said or did wrong, and because I am able to think in English nowadays, I felt very confident in speaking. That’s so weird, but at times I even feel like talking to people in other languages is much easier and less anxiety-provoking than in Polish, and I feel a bit more extroverted and less self-conscious while talking in English. I would be hugely disappointed and even more surprised if I got any less than 85% for it.

So I came out and then we had even more waiting. We had to wait until a few more people will take the exam and the break will start, because then they will reveal the results. Unlike with written exams, with oral ones you get results much quicker since they aren’t sent anywhere, just the committee who asks you rates your skills. All that waiting, which lasted for a few hours, was so damn boring.

But finally the break started and all of us who have taken the exam so far were coming into the room again to hear our results. This time, besides of the committee, there was also headmistress and her assistant in. I always feel kinda unsafe at that school, as if something terrible was about to happen, but I feel twice as unsafe around the headmistress because of that awful situation that happened to me after the first exam. I was seeing her then every time before and after writing an exam because of all the procedures and although nothing like that ever happened again, she was still very critical and clearly jerky to me, unless it’s her everyday attitude. And even if she isn’t talking to me, I feel awful around her, even simply her voice sounds so dry and unpleasant so that you feel some kind of antipathy from the beginning. And omg honestly, if I was her, I would seriously think about taking something for halitosis, but I am not as jerky as she is and I’ll be nice and won’t give her advices she doesn’t ask for. But well, I’m glad I’m not from that school and hopefully soon will be able to forget about her for good.

Anyway, I came in and she said:

– So you can get 30 points max, and how do you think, how many did you get? –

– Hard to say, but I think quite a few. –

– And maybe some more speciffic numbers? –

– Hm, something like 25? –

– 25, you say… so, with a great regret, er… sorry, with a great pleasure, I have to say you’ve got 30 points. – she said.

You know I wasn’t really surprised? I just felt like that’s what is gonna happen. She was so nice that she didn’t forget to at least try to crack me up in the end, but it was easy for me to keep smiling, because I was happy I got 100% and I knew that in a way I just cut her down to size. It’s not often that someone gets 100% from any final exam. I was the last of all the students who were taking this exam to hear my results. There are only 9 people, 9 people in the whole school, plus me, taking their finals. Cause you can graduate from school here without taking them, and although the school is big, I’ve heard not many people were feeling like doing it. In the school for the blind where I was for years, I know there were always whole classes taking finals. And I was really surprised they had only 9 people taking them. Looks like their level is much lower there. Or maybe it’s because so many students there seem to have coupled disabilities. And I’ve heard all of them coming out and sharing their results with the whole world. Only ONE girl had the result above 60%. Her result was really good, but she was the only one, most people had like 40%. That seemed a little bit sad, although my Mum told me that I should cut her – the headmistress – down to size as much as possible, for disgracing me and comparing me to her brilliant kids. And although it wasn’t my goal in itself, I was so happy I did it.

I wonder why she said it “with regret”. Maybe she was just joking, and that’s OK, or wanted to somehow keep me in suspense, or something, but sadly I suppose that’s what she really thinks and wanted to pretend it’s just an innocent joke. It’s not like I care what she thinks or feel sad that I made her feel regret, not at all, but you feel rather weird hearing something like this, among other jerky stuff which I’m not gonna quote because I don’t want to start to think about it again plus it’s not important in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s a bit foolish to care about what she said even a bit, but I can’t help it that I still do and still hear it. My Dad simply said it’s “biatchy” of her to say this regret thing and my family doesn’t really think it could be a real joke and she is really “regretting”.

My family of course were very happy of it and Zofijka couldn’t believe it, but my Mum said she also somehow felt it will be so, ’cause well I might not be fluent in English, but this exam was a bit below my possibilities.

On the way home we went to CheΕ‚mno, which is a town near Bydgoszcz with lots and lots of old churches and cemeteries even from 13th century, and my family went to see it, but I stayed in the car. I didn’t feel well physically because of the period and somehow my mood started to drop. Yes, I was proud of myself in a way, but I felt somehow very depressed. I don’t know, maybe the headmistress’ words started to strike me and I felt exhausted of all that exam fuss and started to fall deeper and deeper in the self-loathing hole, having to fight against another Maggie, this time my inner self critic whom as you may remember I also call Maggie, and because I felt so exhausted and not at all like fighting anyone, she started to win over me with a smashing predominance, and I didn’t really care, as so many times before I just believed her she’s right. I also felt dizzy and like I’m going to get an awful migraine. My dizziness got worse when my family came back and we drove home. And as we got home my balance was so shitty I was walking slightly like I was drunk. πŸ˜€ So Olek let us in and asked me whether I had some Jack Daniels with me to help me on the exam. I laughed and said that no, but it’s something to think about next time. πŸ˜€ I got a quick shower and went to bed, not to sleep but just to shut my mind off, with which I didn’t really succeed, and to rest for a while. Read some blogs and other stuff but my head started to ache more so I gave up on this. And when my mind finally shut off I I fell asleep about 7 PM. Really really early for me.

ANd I woke up with a nasty migraine in the middle of the night. Ugh that was so shitty. And lasted until almst 2 PM. I am still kinda weak but it’s much better now and the migraine is gone. But I still feel rather depressed and blah and hopeless, overanalysing everything and shitty, and definitely not like someone who got 100% on an exam, quite the opposite.

So glad tomorrow is the last one, maybe will feel better afterwards.

How are you guys doing? πŸ™‚

A shitty, Zombie day.

Yeah, today I have another Zombie day, which means, if you’re unfamiliar, that I’m after a night of completely no sleep. I think the reason of my sleep being so poor recently is that I’m significantly anxious over many things. A bit more than a week ago my term exam session started, which is always some stress – almost none in comparison to final exams that I’ll have in May, but still, makes me quite tense. Besides, almost at the same time my brother picked up some tummy bug or something and was sick, with vomiting and all the attractions, which obviously triggered my emetophobia. It lasted for very long for him and then Dad got infected too and it lasted very long too, so I was freaking out literally, because they were sick and because I could get sick and anyone else could. I didn’t get it luckily, but still don’t fully know if it’s actually over for them. Moreover, my Mum had gastroscopy and colonoscopy on Tuesday before Easter. Well it didn’t regard me directly, but still it made me feel anxious for some reason, I almost felt like I myself was going to have gastroscopy, which would be just traumatic for me I guess and I was stressed for Mum. Don’t know why I reacted so strongly for it. And then Mum had also some not serious complications after that which contributed to my anxiety. It’s crazy. and my final exams are in a month now, which is the thing I’m most anxious about currently. It’s not only about the exams themselves and whether I’ll pass them, but also about the circumstances in which I’ll be writing them. I’m not sure whether I finally told you or not, I guess I did, but I won’t take them at my own school that I formally go to. My school is a normal, mainstream school and my Mum was kind of afraid I might not get all the adjustments I could get if I’d write at a special school for the blind, especially as for math, as this is the subject I particularly suck at and is very difficult for me. I agree with it and so my Mum came up with the idea she’ll ask the headmistress of one of the schools for the blind – not the one I was going to as a child, a completely different one – if it would be possible for me to write there. There was a lot of paperwork and other stuff involved, but it was possible and I got the permission finally. But this school, although is much closer than the one I was going to, is still quite far from where I live, in a different region. So we would have to stay in the boarding school. I know, I won’t be there on my own, there will be Mum and maybe Zofijka with me, I will live with them and the circumstances will be completely different, we’ll be out of there most of the time, I desperately try to think rationally about it, but the anxiety is still there. I know it’s so irrational and stupid and all, but it doesn’t seem like I could do much about it now. I’ll probably just have to face it and see if it was worth all that anxiety or not. Also, I’m having lots of nasty dreams recently, with sleep paralysis and without and they scare me so so much. Just last week I had sleep paralysis twice. It’s knackering and makes me feel just helpless. Often such dreams leave me anxious for hours after they pass away. So yeah plenty of issues that may contribute to that lack of sleep.

Luckily I didn’t have to do anything important today, apart from preparing to my History exam which I’ll have on Monday, but it wasn’t hard to do and I actually could do it tomorrow as well if I really needed. I feel absolutely crappy today, with no energy (despite three strong coffees), lots of anxiety and depression, but that’s normal I guess for everyone who didn’t sleep for an entire night, or at least it’s my normal when I don’t sleep properly, the more tat other things get in the way.

Recently I was writing that I plan on buying a new Braille-Sense, and it turned out that it’s time now for applying for funding, so I did some of that endless paperwork with Mum. Well I guess don’t have much more to say now. Just had to rant a bit.

How are you guys doing? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

What were you doing for the Easter holidays?

My answer:

Nothing very special. Apart from my Dad trying to intoxicate the atmosphere, which didn’t go very well for him, we had a very yummy Easter breakfast. Zofijka surprised us all, because she had presents for all of us. It was so nice of her. I got from her a rabbit made of a sock with rice in it and she wrote “Bibiel” on it. Bibiel is how she often calls me for fun. I also got from her TOffifee and a bath salt. Then we went to the church and then just chilled out, in the evening we had guests – my grandparents from Mum’s side, aunt and uncle and my three cousins – but I just was only for a while with them. In the evening I watched a bit of my favourite Welsh language series, which I try to do regularly to extend my vocabulary. On Monday there was of course Śmigus-Dyngus (when we pour water over each other, I’ve told you about it a few posts ago), but we didn’t particularly celebrate it. My Mum hates it. πŸ˜€ And actually no one besides Zofijka is cazy about it. We were at church, had a big dinner and did just usual things. Mum helped me to fix my PayPal account as something weird were going on with it, luckily we fixed it as it could be fixed and it’s OK. Zofijka was invited to our cousins to stay for the night at theirs, so there was only my Mum and me at home for the afternoon and we had a nice time together. And that’s all about my Easter.

How was yours? πŸ™‚