Question of the day (19th October).

What was the first book that made you cry, or at least feel very, very sad?

My answer:

I’ve been thinking about this for a while but can’t think of a book that was the first. While books often affect me strongly and I may easily feel sad if a book is sad, I don’t cry very easily at all because of a book even if I fee like I’d like to be able to sometimes, it’s just a super rare thing, same with movies and music. While on one hand I’m glad I’m not an easy cryer and at least in some part it is the effect of my own considerable efforts over the years of bottling things up, on the other hand I actually envy people who can cry when they’re moved by things as it seems a very healthy mechanism and seems to be generally seen as a very sincere reaction by people. So basically because it’s very frequently that a book moves me very deeply and I find it very sad, but at the same time ultra rare that it would make me cry, I can’t think of one particular example that would be either the first or even just one that would stand out particularly. I remember that the last book that I was crying a little bit when reading it was Maggie Hartley’s book Battered, Broken, Healed that I read last year, when for some unexplained reason one specific thing made me feel particularly sad, namely when the mum of a baby whom Maggie was taking care of at the time was telling Maggie about how whenever her daughter cried at night, her abusive husband wouldn’t let her see to her and how difficult it was for her and for little Jasmine as well. I don’t know why it made such a very strong impression, it’s definitely not my typical reaction even when I hear sad things like this and it’s not the most difficult thing I’ve heard definitely, but it just made me feel so sad I suddenly started crying but only a little bit. I guess I must have generally been feeling down.

Oh, yeah, now I remember a book that made me feel particularly sad, but it definitely wasn’t the first one, actually quite recent, and it also made me feel a whole spectrum of all sorts of feelings and, despite a rather difficult topic of the book, quite a few fragments of it also made me laugh a lot and overall the experience was very positive. It was Room by Emma Donoghue.

So, how about you? Also, are you easily moved by books at all? If so, is it to such a degree that you just easily absorb emotions that are in the book, or does it also mean that you cry easily when you read something particularly moving, be it positively or negatively? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

Hi people! ๐Ÿ™‚

What was the last thing you cried about?

My answer:

Can’t recall anything I’d cry about recently, except for that I had a weird dream a few nights before and woke up crying a bit but once I woke up for good I could not remember what it was about, other than it was a bit upsetting but couldn’t recall any details at all. Such strange dreams have been happening weirdly often to me for a year or so. Not like super frequently but it almost never happened to me before and now it’s every few months or more often. But since I normally don’t remember the dreams in much detail afterwards, or if I do, they’re no longer that very upsetting after I wake up, it’s not a big deal, just kind of strange. Perhaps my brain compensates for my crying inhibition during daytime or something.

You? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

Hi people! ๐Ÿ™‚

Here’s my question for you today:

In which way have you surprised yourself this week?

My answer:

Well, that wasn’t a very big surprise maybe, but I couldn’t think of anything else. It surprised me that, the night before last, I was crying in my sleep, because I am generally not a big cryer, or at least definitely not in such situations when I’m just plain sad, even when it’s very sad, or moved by something either positive or negative. My Mum and grandma both have eyes on a very wet spot and can cry about anything that moves them, but I usually only cry when really angry or overloaded and just pretty much physically can’t keep any more feelings inside. I had a dream about my grandma (yes, that same who cries so much) that she was dying. In the morning Mum asked me if it was corona that she was dying of, and that wasn’t clear to me what it was, but it’s possible because she had real trouble breathing. She was lying in her bed and there were loads of people in her bedroom – us, all my Mum’s siblings with their families, all my grandma’s siblings with their families, I guess even my grandad’s family. – She was praying, and we were praying with her. I am often more like an observer than participant in my dreams and see things in a kind of neutral, emotionally detached way, often either from the point of view of someone else, everyone involved or just an observer, rather than just myself. And so it didn’t feel like I was sitting there with them, I was sort of looking down on themm and hearing what they were saying and I was separate from them, I don’t think they could even see me.

My grandma is generally a very melancholic person, a huge worrier and catastrophist and I call her Fillyjonk – like Fillyjonk from the Moomins – but in my dream she was happy – just in a calm, peaceful, quietly satisfied way like I’ve never seen her in real life – usually when she’s happy in real life it’s because she’s moved by something, and then she cries anyway so it’s kind of bittersweet, or at least so it looks to me. At some point though, she started worrying and talking about someone, I don’t remember why, or maybe I couldn’t even fully understand it in the dream, but I know she was worrying about one of her grandchildren and her worries had something to do with school, so I think it could be my cousin who is currently experiencing some school troubles and to whom she’s very close because she’s actually bringing him up no less than his parents as they live very close. So she grew very nervous and worried what will happen after she died, people tried to calm her down, and the more she was nervous, the more she couldn’t breathe, and then she just died.

Then my point of view shifted so that I was more participating in the dream and only then it hit me what happened. The whole room was quiet, everyone was so shocked, and I suddenly started crying like I think I never did in my real life. It was as much strange that, while I do like my grandma and she is a really lovely person, I don’t have that much of a personal connection with her, same as with most of my family, so it was a really strange reaction and I was really surprised even in the dream.

Then I woke up and realised that my eyes were actually wet and that I must have seriously cried in my sleep, and as it was about Misha’s waking time – 4 AM – he was wide awake and curiously peaking out of his bed and had his paw on my cheek. ๐Ÿ˜€

That was really quite a strange dream, but strange dreams are intriguing, and I don’t mind them if they’re not sleep paralysis, even if their topic is negative. I think it happens to me more than most people I know that I cry in my sleep, but I think that night was probably the most emotional in that respect, and I was wondering about the whole sleep crying thing – since I often find it difficult to cry even when I want to, maybe it’s some sort of release of actual emotions for my brain, and that’s how it’s coping with some shit that I am at the moment unable to get rid of while being conscious and in control. – In any case, I think brain is absolutely fascinating, but sleep is probably even more in a way.

On a slightly different note, today I also had a dream involving death and quite emotional, but no crying. I dreamt that I met some friends online that I was getting along really well with – it was actually a whole family, parents and children, though I’m pretty sure all of their children were grown up already or maybe one of themm was a teenager, but they lived all together somewhere in the countryside, I have a vague feeling that it might have been somewhere in England, because some parts of my dream were in English, also the mummy had a bit of a Scouse accent and I think England was mentioned somewhere in that dream. – And for some reason I moved to them and lived with them permanently. They were really such cool people, I had something in common with each of them, I remember they had a huge house with a huge garden, what I know for sure is that they had loads of apples in there haha and they had a horse, we spent a lot of time together just because we genuinely wanted it, we read books together, actually I think one of the girls was a writer. One guy was called… yes! you guessed it! Jack and he was so funny. I also remember the mother particularly well, she was really smart and sweet. I bonded with them all really strongly and closely.

And suddenly they all got sick with something on the same day, were all really ill, and finally all died pretty much at once so I was absolutely devastated and so sad and missed them terribly. I woke up soon after that and couldn’t shake off that sad, longing feeling, I guess I could actually say hiraeth as they call it in Welsh, which is longing for something that has never truly existed, it usually refers to a place but i think it describes what I felt really well. And for a while I couldn’t figure out why I felt like that either. As it happened, there was also some really sad piece of music playing on my Spotify as I woke up, nothing better than having a soundtrack to your dreams! ๐Ÿ˜€ Of course I got over it when I realised that it was a dream, but I found it really sad, and when I recall the whole thing I still feel strangely sad as I seriously knew those people, and I kind of miss them. But I really enjoyed the part of the dream when I was with them. Maybe I’ll add them to my Brainworld or something so that they’d feel a bit more realistic haha.

So, how about you guys? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

And, finally, the question for today is:

 

When was the last time you cried in front of another person?

My answer:

As you probably already know, I’m not much of a cryer and I hate crying, more so crying in front of others, so I try to avoid it as much as I can. So I don’t really know when was the last time, or why I cried. The only thing I can say for sure is that it had to be some time ago and that the only person in front of whom I ever cry nowadays is my Mum.

You? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Question of the day.

When was the last time you were moved to tears??

My answer:

Hard to say, as I told you a few times on this blog it’s not easy for me to be moved to tears, I may quite often feel at the verge or just be very moved but still not cry, first because still crying is an issue and second because I think that’s simply how I am. And even if I do cry, it’s rarely like fountains of tears, in opposite lots of people in my family on Mum’s side. ๐Ÿ˜€

So I guess the last time I was moved to tears was when I was reading “Battered, Broken, Healed” by Maggie Hartley – Maggie Hartley is a UK foster carer and in this book she describes the story of Jasmine who is an infant and as it turns out later on she was taken into care because her father was abusive. I cried when I was reading about her mum’s experiences, about her abusive relationship, and particularly about how her husband wouldn’t allow her to take care of Jasmine. It somehow moved me, I found it very weird because normally I don’t cry when hearing about people’s sad stories, or it has to be really really really tough or there has to be something that particularly speaks to me for any reason. I am not someone who particularly loves children in general, but I found that really sad, for whatever reason.

The last time I was moved and felt like I’m gonna cry and wanted to, but couldn’t, was when I was listening to my current crush Gwilym Bowen Rhys’s latest album a few days ago, and that’s not very weird, I often feel very moved listening to my crushes’ music, even if it’s not particularly sad, but just when it’s expressive and/or beautiful. I was listening to this album as a whole for third time, this time just to immerse in it, but it still speaks to me.

How about you? What was the thing that moved you so strongly? ๐Ÿ™‚


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Question of the day.

What is the last thing you cried about?

My answer:

Cried like cried or just felt like crying? I have issues with crying and with expressing emotions generally, so, although I’ve learned to cry, it’s still really hard to do for me and I am rarely able to really let my emotions out through crying. I can feel like crying, or like I would really really like to cry very often, but I don’t cry often at all. I guess the last time I cried was in May, after one of my finals, and then I literally cried all the way back home and even afterwards and couldn’t stop, it was all scary! But the last time I felt like crying was last week on Tuesday, and it was also in some part related to my finals. But generally I felt like crying because I was just overwhelmed by lots of emotions and triggered, but just couldn’t let it out in any way, or figure out what’s actually ging on inn my brain, I was also extremely angry at that time and when I feel angry I often feel on the verge of tears, just like my Mum. In most situations I am glad I am not an easy cryer, like many women in my family are, but sometimes I would really like to be able to relieve myself through tears but it just seems impossible nowadays after all those years of bottling things up.

How about you? ๐Ÿ™‚