If We WeRE Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Time for another Weekend Coffee Share

hosted by Eclectic Alli.

If we were having coffee, assuming it would take place in my house, you’d hear children screaming, running and playing. Zofijka is having her birthday party for her friends and cousins. TOmorrow she’ll make a more serious one, with dinner and all, for her God parents and grandparents. It’s a pity those skunk slippers I got for her haven’t arrived yet, but hope it’ll happen soon and that she’ll like them. Today I’ve heard her confiding to one of her friends how much she likes skunks, and they now call her Sophie Skunk. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we have Mother’s Day today, so, happy Mother’s Day to all of you mummies. πŸ™‚ Never mind that for most of you your actual Mother’s Day has already passed this year, let’s celebrate once again. So if you consider yourself a mum – be it a mum for your own children, heart mum for someone, adoptive mum, mum to be, pet mum or any other kind of mummy, feel free to have some extra coffee and an extra muffin. Yes, we have muffins today because of Mother’s Day. They’re shop bought but still. Very yummy. And we have lots of other stuff – a very yummy, homemade chicken soup with dumplings, jelly with grapes and strawberries, Zofijka’s yucky Soy Luna birthday cake, well I haven’t tried it, it’s for the kids, but all those shop bought overly decorative birthday cakes for kids are always yucky and from what this one apparently looks like, I wouldn’t expect it to be different. But we also have some nice sponge cake with strawberries and other stuff that my Mum has made and it’s brilliant. And a lot of fruit and other things. So well, help yourself, particularly all the mummies here.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I bought my Mum a new speaker which she can connect to her phone and play her own music in the kitchen. She always wanted to be able to listen to something else than just the radio, like her Spotify or something, so hope she’ll be happy, but it haven’t arrived yet either.

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m not doing the best moodwise today. Don’t really know what happened, I just woke up and felt like again I’m slipping into that awful hole from where I’ve barely got out recently. I know I had some yucky dreams tonight and maybe that’s what pushed me down, and then some thing happened later on today that made my slip ride even quicker. I’m not down there yet and managed to stop the slide somewhere at the beginning of the last lap though so that’s good at least now I’m wondering which way I’ll go from here, up or down into the hole again. Of course I hope for the first, the more that I’ve been feeling really good over the last week, but guess nothing lasts forever, meh that’shit you have to feel blah for most of the time, but that seems to be the main rule for my flippin’ brain. Anyways…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Misha’s with me all the time today. The kids are playing on the balcony and Misha can’t go there because then he jumps on the roof and Misha is generally crazy in the fresh air, poor child, and there would be no one to keep an eye on him there in all the comotion we have here today, so Mum told me to close him in my room and so I did. Thought he won’t be glad of it, but he just went to bed and still is sleeping very heavily. Guess he didn’t sleep the best at night, I don’t know where he was then, not with me anyway and not in any of the hideouts that I know of. He’s so so sweet when he’s sleeping.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday there have been new books added to our Polish digital library for the blind and there was one I literally couldn’t wait for, the new book by MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz. MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz is one of my most favourite writers, I absolutely love her series “JeΕΌycjada”, and my Mum told me a few months ago that she’d seen her new book in the bookshop. I knew it will be in our library because all the books by Musierowicz are and they are scanned and added pretty quickly, but it seemed so long for me and I just couldn’t wait. My Mum suggested that maybe we could read it together which I’d be very happy about, but finally it didn’t happen. Plus my Mum isn’t a good reader, whenever she starts reading a book, her eyes become heavy and she feels sleepy, so reads a single book for quite a long time so I felt that the book will be available for me maybe even before we’d get to half of it. And yesterday it came! And I’m reading it right now. Maybe Musierowicz is the one whom I should be thankful too that I haven’t yet slipped down into my gloomy hole. Her books are always so full of warmth, happiness and yes, positivity, but not the kind of positivity you usually think of while hearing this word, a foolish optimism, kinda artificial one and for all means, just to not be negative. It’s very natural so that when you read her books you just have to smile or even laugh at times. And you get a lot of stuff to ponder on, during and after the reading so your brain has something more productive to do than overthinking, overanalysing, rethinking, freaking out, overloading itself etc. And you get hungry immediately, they eat so so so many yummy things. They are so many that she’s even written a whole book with recipes of the dishes her characters eat. I only wish her books were longer. They read so quickly. You want to read more and more and more and suddenly it’s over. There aren’t many other writers that I love as much as Musierowicz. and I know her in person and I’ve even been to her and I was in her house and it was sooo cool.

So how are you doing guys? What happened to you this week? πŸ™‚ What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Anyone up for coffee? Eclectic Ali, who hosts Weekend Coffee Share over at

https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/05/18/weekendcoffeeshare-tea-and-scones/ has scones for her visitors this week. I don’t, but I have an apple pie. πŸ˜€ So be so nice and have at least some apple pie with me, if the hour is too late for coffee for you and you’re afraid you won’t sleep, I can get some tea if you prefer. Or kefir. Or whatever.

If we were having coffee, I’d traditionally ask each one of you how you’re doing.

If we were having coffee I’d ramble for quite a while about how relieved and happy I am because of my finals being over. It was so exhausting, it’s so good to be free from this shit…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m having a very nice weekend, feeling really upbeat as for my standards. Wonder how long this graduating euphoria will fuel me. πŸ˜€ I guess until I fully realise I have nothing to do with myself. I plan on having a yearly break from any further education in the formal sense of this word, but still would like to make something possibly constructive out of it. Yesterday at night I had some shitty dreams, like most of them were some semi-fictional reminiscences of the last few weeks filled with exams, but despite it when I woke up yesterday I felt very rested, which was good because I hadn’t slept really well for quite a while, planned on sleeping off on Friday night but Zofijka desperately wanted to sleep with me and I can never sleep well with someone, so it had to wait. As I woke up I felt just like most people probably feel when they realise it’s the first day of their vacation/holidays, with the difference it was my second. Zofijka was very bored and was getting on my nerves a lot yesterday, she is always extremely annoying and absorbing when bored, but she got some things to do in the afternoon. My grandparents came over for lunch. My grandparents sell eggs and on Saturdays they always go to their customers in our area so at the end they always come to us and Mum has always lunch for them. They congratulated me for my oral exams results and were so over the moon with them. I wonder what my gramma will be like if it turns out that I didn’t pass the math one and that I’m not gonna redo it, she was so excited, but I think it could be a bit of a problem for her to accept it. Not like I’m gonna worry about it a lot, but just wouldn’t like her to be worried too much and wouldn’t like her to make a drama about it because she wasn’t prepared for it. So I told them those are still only orals results and it will take a while until we’ll know everything. I know my grandad won’t have any issues with it thoug. We chatted while having lunch. Zofijka was supposed to have Maths, but it was delayed so she went out to get some ice cream for us and to let her energy out. When grandparents left, our – or rather Zofijka’s now – maths tutor arrived. Gosh I still can’t believe my collaboration with her is truly over. I haven’t talked to her this week yet, I know she will be asking about how I feel about my math exam and how I think it went, and I just don’t know what to say, because it was just a pure improvisation. Another miracle will be needed if I want to get the minimum – 30% of it. We’ll just see what the future brings. My parents went to my uncle for a barbeque in th evening.

Today I am also having a very nice day. I didn’t sleep as well as yesterday because I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, but I don’t feel sleepy or anything.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I decided on making some change in my lifestyle. A few months ago my Mum discovered a book –
“Ancient Secret Of The Fountain Of Youth” by Peter Kelder – and started to practice five Tibetan rites. If you’re not familiar with this term, I’ll just tell you it is a system of exercises that are said to help your overall wellbeing, and, what’s most important for most people doing them, they are claimed to have rejuvenating properties. I was actually shocked when my Mum told me she’s doing them. We are Christian, and yoga is said to be something spiritually dangerous according to the Christian religion, , the Church says you cannot separate the exercises from their spiritual context and you open your mind for the philosophy behind it, which is simply not being faithful cause well you can’t be Christian and buddhist at the same time. I was never particularly interested in yoga, it was something very distant from my interests, so I just accepted it as it is, even though I am not the one who blindly follows all the prohibitions of the Church, since some of them just aren’t well-founded enough and it’s hard to say what they are based on, I just always want to make my own opinion on things before I say it’s bad if it interests me, unless the evidence is clear. Yoga though was one of the things on which I agreed that can be dangerous. I’ve only known people who were either atheists, or very lost in their spiritual life, who were practicing yoga. I had always an impression they’re very calm, but something inside of them definitely isn’t. I’ve heard stories about people living in buddhist monasteries and practicing yoga and going very deep into it, and then being enslaved by the devil, having lots of spiritual hardships and various complex issues showing up in their lives, paradoxically losing their peace of mind and complacency which yoga is said to build up. ANd that sounded rather scary. Plus all these positions that represent and symbolise various aspects of buddhism and make you, consciously or not, practically glorify another God with your body. That didn’t sound appealing. I always thought about people doing yoga as either anointed yogis, or people that are kind of lost in their lives, are searching for some sort of help, peace of mind, and don’t quite know which way to go, maybe don’t have their own clear views on things, or the opposite, want to try out anything possible either for fun or for wellbeing and in search of happiness. And now my Mum is another yoga freak. That’s too awful.

I talked to her about how yoga is considered a bad thing by the Church and was wondering what’s wrong with her, her who always seemed to know, where’s the border between a real danger or something worthless and shitty and just bad, and something that is demonised and exaggerated. She always had this kind of instinct or maybe just sensibility, that was guiding her and showing her what is OK, and where some cautiousness would be needed. But my Mum said she doesn’t approach it as something yoga-based, she doesn’t care about the philosophy behind it, all that bullshit about chakras and good and bad energy, they are just good exercises, and she is sure that if someone has a healthy approach to it, doesn’t go to deep in their mind while doing it, they can only be good for you. She said that from the moment she first read about it she knew it’s something for her. She was searching for something really good and anti-aging, and she believes that what they refer to as chakras, energetic channels and stuff, is simply our hormonal system, and that’s what it works for, but not only. And first of all, you can’t call it rites, ’cause it sounds ridiculous and only appropriate if you also combine the exercises with some sort of meditation or stuff. I was rather scared and pissed off because of her extreme changeability, and not really convinced by her arguments.

What convinced me that there is really something in it was how my Mum started to change. What striked me first was how optimistic she became shortly after starting practicing these exercises. I mean, she was always optimistic, but since she started them, she’s become like more cheerful, serene, less worrisome, more living in the present, coping better with everyday issues that were more troublesome for her before, like in relationships, being more compassionate, more patient –
she was usually an easily annoyed person – appreciating small things more than before, started to seem drawn to nature more than before, more energetic, and her optimism seems somewhat infectious. It wasn’t a one big change happening during one day, it was going gradually, but since I know her very well and because she was talking to me a lot about her feelings about these exercises, I was able to notice a lot of change. She also told me she doesn’t have any cravings now, like for sweets, eats less and only when she’s hungry, and therefore she loves to eat as never before. Her biological clock has reset, and now she has slightly odd hours of functioning as for these days. She wakes up almost every day with the sunrise, so now it’s usually like 5:30, feels slightly sleepy and like having a nap about 3 PM, and then usually goes to sleep at 10 and falls asleep almost immediately and sleeps well. Apparently her climacteric symptoms are gone. My Mum is suspected to have coeliac disease and some doctors told her that this disease, or actually eating wrong food may make her tired. She had been dealing with a lot of fatigue and couldn’t get what’s causing it. It isn’t fully gone now, but she says it’s visibly better. In the past, I could notice multiple times that she had times when she was very forgetful, sometimes even a little brain fogged, easily distracted, I was very worried about it that it may be some early trailer to some bigger future memory issues. But now she haven’t had such issues for a while. She says she can think very clearly, and like her brain also got kinda general reset. She says it’s easier for her to pray, paradoxically, and that she is generally more focused on things. There are many more other benefits she has noticed over these past few months, I was talking to her just before writing this post to kind of summarise all that and she just bombed me with a ton of different observations. And she became actually addicted to these exercises. πŸ˜€ TO the point that even when we were riding back and forth for these exams, she was getting up half an hour earlier to exercise. Well I’ve heard some people say when you are addicted to anything, whether it’s generally good or bad, it takes away your freedom from you and you become enslaved. But if we will look this way at people and our freedom, then freedom is something boring, I think. Most of us are addicted either to reading, or to our loved music, or favourite activity, or other passions. and that gives our lives some meaning. If we’ll look at freedom this way, there’s no freedom in this earthly life for us. ‘Cause we all have our passions, habits, limitations, we all have to adjust to other people, rules, our social groups, other circumstances, we can’t be completely free in such understanding of freedom. SO that being said, what’s wrong with such good addiction? I’ve been observing my Mum for all these months she’s exercising, quite worried and anxious that maybe it may ruin her relationship with God, but in fact it looks like it’s the opposite. and she looks blooming now.

And during my exam session, not for finals but my last exams at school, I started to think that it could be something good for me. As I am not riding regularly now, I practically don’t have any regular physical activity. And I would definitely need some to keep my muscles fit. But what’s more important, Mum has been reading to me about various properties of the five rites and it looks like there are many benefits for our mental health. And if you believe in what they say, it’s not only about the endorphines releasing. I think I ned to focus more on my mental health. I was ignoring it for way too many years in the past. And there may be other things I can benefit from these exercises.

So I told Mum ‘m gonna do them with her and she was like oh wow I can’t believe it that’s so good! That was quite a surprising decision even for myself. But I feel like it’s the right one.

I started doing the five Tibetan rites on Friday. My Mum does them twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening before 6, but I do them only in the morning, at least now. When I have some more physical activity in the evening, I’ve noticed it’s often very hard for me to fall asleep at night, so I don’t want to risk at least for now, my sleep is messed up enough. I’m doing these exercises now more like an experiment now, but if I’ll see some changes, I’ll definitely stick to them. They seem very easy, but they aren’t. Right now, I do 5 repeatings of every exercise, the maximum is 21 times, and you have to increase it gradually, depending on just how you feel, if you feel like increasing, you do it, and then you stick with it until you can do more and more. My Mum is already on 21 repeatings. For me though, it will surely take much more time to get there. The exercises seem easy, almost ridiculous, but they’re hard to do. For me, the first rite is most difficult, because of my coordination issues. You have to at the same time raise your head so that your chin touches your chest, while having your back on the ground, raise your straightened legs at the same time, and coordinate your breathing with it, so that when you raise your head and legs, you breathe in with your nose, and when you relax, breathe out with your mouth. For me, all that all at once is extremely hard to do and raising up my head with back sticking to the ground isn’t easy either now. It’s even more hard because of my Achilles tendons being shortened. I told you I had surgery for it when I was 10, but it was shit and didn’t really help. Because of them being shortened, I can’t fully straighten my legs while having them both raised, and I can’t sit on the floor with my legs being fully straightened and backs of my knees touching the ground, I just feel like they are blocked or when I try to do it, it just damn hurts. SO right now I’m doing the exercises as I can, hoping I’ll be able to do them more accurately with time. Before you start doing the actual exercises, they say you should spin around for as many times as many repeatings of exercises you do. That’s also rather challenging for me now because I get dizzy very easily and my balance is shitty. I get vertigo often in various circumstances e.g. when I have very high anxiety, and that makes me even more anxious, because I feel not safe, plus it triggers my emetophobia, ’cause, you know, you get dizzy, then you can get nauseous of it, and… anything could happen, right? πŸ˜€ And that in turn makes my anxiety and vertigo even worse. SO yeah, I hate that spinning thing, but at least I’m doing it on the mat so I know that as long as I’m on it, everything’s right and I know where I am, plus my Mum is with me because I am very very very dizzy after those 5 spins. The five rites are all about good breathing, which I like. My breathing isn’t the best, especially when I’m stressed, and I hope to improve my breathing techniques as I progress. I also noticed, much to my surprise, that if I am breathing properly, I can regulate my vertigo. Though when you think about it it’s not very surprising. My dizziness is very often just anxiety induced, so the higher anxiety, the higher the vertigo can be, and also the higher is my anxiety, the worse and more shallow is my breathing. So when I was spinning for the first time on Friday and then finished and was so very dizzy I could barely stand on my own, Mum told me to breathe deeply and I was surprised to find out that if I breathe deeper, and properly it calms down faster than normal and I can have some control over it.

My muscles are pretty sore now, especially in my higher back and neck, and my abdominal muscles, but not so that it’s a big discomfort, I’m actually glad of it because it means I’m really doing something with them. No drastical changes in me as for now though. πŸ˜€ But watch out! I don’t want to transform into an optimist, I am really glad of being a defensive pessimist, and I don’t think I could ever become a real optimist, but I’m curious what will happen to me and how I will feel.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I was scared yesterday for a while. I was going through my emails as I do every day and I saw an email from my old friend. I talked about her a bit before. She was the one with whom I decided to cut all the contact. I was going to school with her, the school for the blind, and although I couldn’t call her my best friend, and I surely wasn’t one for her, we liked each other. We had kinda similar outlook on various topics, similar sense of humour and maybe in some way also our tastes were similar. She kept saying I know her brain and can read in it like in a book and in some way our way of thinking was also similar, although I didn’t feel like I really know her in a way you know someone who is your soulmate or something, she was just very extroverted and it was easy to figure her out, so to say. Plus she was easy to like, so I liked her, as many others. I left the school and she was the only one to continue any contact with me. I tried to maintain the relationship with another girl, whom I did consider my best friend for a while, but she didn’t seem to want it as much as I did then so I left her and this girl who emailed me (well let’s call her S) was the one from that school with whom I contacted regularly. I’ve never felt any stronger feelings of friendship or likemindedness with her, I just liked her, but as time passed I started to feel more and more uncomfortable with her. I thought it’s because she was still at that school, she reminded me about it and I couldn’t free from it as I wanted. But I still liked her, and it seemed awkward to just leave her because I want to be free from my memories, I wouldn’t be either way. Shortly after I realised she’s taking a lot of things for granted. Like she was often asking me to do things for her which were easier for me to do than for her, she wanted me to be very engaged in her life, in what is going on for her. When I did something for her, she showed her satisfaction and even appreciation at times very enthusiastically, but then she wanted more from me. More attention, more engagement, more time with her, talking on the phone, more various favours. If I could do something and didn’t mind, I was doing it. But when I was gently saying that, you know, I have some other things to do, and it doesn’t really fit me at the moment, she was like very hurt, in my honest opinion, not adequately to the situation, like I’d say I’ll never do it, or I’ll never do anything for her, was saying that I am exaggerating, it’s just a little thing, and it surely won’t take me a lot of time, but OK, if I have so many other things to do, she will wait. So I felt like I did something wrong, maybe I really hurt her, maybe it’s really so important for her. Also, when we were writing together, she usually started the conversation with talking about what’s going on for her, then asked me what I’ve been up to lately. I was responding to her message trying to refer somehow to what she wrote and telling her about what was going on for me. In her response though, she hardly ever tried to refer to what I wrote about myself, just was continuing the topic of her recent life events. While I really do like helping people, listening to them and sharing with them their joys and troubles, if I care about them, the way she bombarded me with only information about her, her love life, her favourite things, her school… was slightly, and increasingly, annoying and overwhelming for me. If there was something she wrote and I found it hard to refer to in any constructive way and wouldn’t respond, she was like what’s going on? Why don’t you write to me? Did something happen? Or sent me another message with other things and wrote something like: “PS: Look at the previous message, I guess you haven’t read it, I’m waiting for the answer”. When it was her birthday, she was asking questions like “Any wishes for me?” as if it was some form of joke, but I can’t remember when I got birthday wishes from her the last time. Not like I cared about it particularly and waited for them, but I guess the initiative shouldn’t be only from one side. Or when she had her blog at one of our blind communities, lots of her posts were finished with a conclusion: “Waiting for your comments guys” even though it wasn’t really anything to refer to in the post, or she was sending us messages asking us to read her post and comment on it and then asking several times if we read it. I’ve also had my blog on there, but it was very rarely when I got any comments from her. The way she asked us for comments seemed slightly weird for me, well if I had to attract people to my blog by writing to them and asking for comments, I would never start doing it, it feels rather disgracing. Surprisingly for me though, others in the community didn’t mind it, or seemed so. But it all was incredibly annoying for me. And I felt like “God, maybe I’m just so selfish?”. Well everyone needs some attention, everyone likes getting positive feedback from others and likes having friends. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? She was starting in a new school then, a mainstream school, and was writing she feels very lonely there, so I thught maybe it’s because of it. Why haven’t I seen it before when we were at school? She was definitely absorbing, but I haven’t noticed so much craving for attention, in fact she seemed even otherwise, but maybe I confused it with her sensitivity.

The crisis happened when she got a crush (on her teacher, ew, how can anyone have a crush on a teacher? but well that’s just my opinion, I would never have one) and it seemed like she has no one else to talk about it freely but me. I felt somewhat honoured, ’cause as I said, I like helping people, I know how it feels to be lonely with your feelings, and, above all, I am an expert in crushes, well maybe not in this kind of crushes, but in general. I’ve had so many of them, and my music ones are almost legendary πŸ˜€ so intensive they can be. I tried my best to be empathetic and as much involved as it would be healthily but it was rather annoying for me. Well I was having a crush at the same time too, why can’t it be a two way information exchange? She was asking me how I’m doing and sometimes about my crush even, but always ignoring my answers, so I finally got it that it’s just a courtesy and limited myself to very casual information. And one day she got an idea of a short story about her life and about her crush. Or actually an idea that she would like to see a short story about it. She asked a few people from our former school with whom she kept in touch, including me, to “write a fan fic about her”. Guys, tell me honestly, would you like someone to write a fanfic about your life? Would you feel good with it? No, it’s not a biased question, I’m just curious about what other people think about such an idea. The first thing that I thought was though – why can’t she write it on her own, wouldn’t it be more interesting? And then I thought that for me, it seems slightly unhealthy. If people write about other people’s lives, it’s usually because there’s really something fascinating about them, they were/are famous or something…

Nevertheless, I decided to at least try. I know she would be, or seem at least, so so very hurt and offended if I would just refuse, and I knew she is lonely with this whole crush and doesn’t have anyone else to talk about it, I didn’t know how to refuse in any way that wouldn’t hurt her if even just saying gently that I can’t right now is too hard. Plus I thought that maybe if I’ll do it for her, and that’s a lot to do and would cost me a lot of dedication and commitment, maybe that will change something in her very annoying attitude and she will be less selfish. And if the selfish one here is me, then the more I should try and compensate it for her this time. SO I told her that OK, I’ll try, but I don’t promise anything.

It was fucking exhausting and cost me a lot indeed. But I tried my best, despite being extremely pissed off and despite I know I could as well just leave it and tell her she’d better do it for herself. But she told me that all the other people whom she asked refused and now I’m her only hope. So I felt like I have to do it, if it will really help her… I was sending her every chapter so that she could find things that weren’t very realistic or needed some correction. And I finally did it . And she was over the moon: “Oh thanks I love you I love you so much you just know me so well”.

That didn’t last long, however. After some other issues with her that were very tough for me, I got a message from her saying something like this: “You know it’s my birthday soon? And I’ve got a mission for you. Could you write another fanfic about me? A continuation of that previous one?” and then there was a whole description what she would like it in general to look like and some potential inspirations for me. I got cross. I wrote to her, politely, but a bit icily and straight-forward, that sorry, but it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever do another one, I just have too many other things to do that are currently much more important and reminded her I’m having my finals this year. And she seemed very touched and hurt. But I wasn’t moved by it this time.

I thought about breaking all the contact with her a lot, but it seemed totally impossible. She had my phone number, we had lots of the same friends, were in the same networks… just not doable. And what I’d tell her. I’m breaking with you, because you’re selfish? Other people still like her, despite she is. Maybe something is wrong with me, and not with her? But as the time passed I felt more and more stressed and literally felt nauseous whenever I saw a message from her. I was making longer and longer breaks between logging in to any social media/communicators where she was too and where we were talking. And finally I made the decision… A boy whom I also know IRL from the integration school, and with whom S. is close nowadays because he is “Fascinating” wrote to me whether I would be able to meet with him and S. That boy and me live quite close to each other, and S. was going for holidays here. I freaked out. Just freaked out. That was the last thing I wanted. To see her. And trigger all the shitty memories. Talk about “old, good times”. Fuck it. I didn’t even respond to him. I went to my Mum and was very distressed and asked her for an advice. It seemed ridiculous for me to be stuck in relationships that are so uncomfortable for me and that don’t bring anything good into my life, but how to wriggle out? And of course Mum also told me it’s ridiculous. I thought about all my other friends that oth S. and I know. I’d have to leave them all. But, surprisingly, although I felt some pity about some of them, I didn’t feel like my life wuld be much worse or more empty without them. There was one girl whom I knew since my childhood, we really liked each other, we called ourselves best friends, but with years we got somewhat distant to each other, our interests weren’t the same any longer and we both changed so so much. I still liked it, I still do now, I always tried to be supportive for her, she is from a dysfunctional family, and she was always so kind to me, I grieved when I thought about leaving her and not knowing what’s going on with her, but there was no longer anything that would really make us real friends, and she had many more good friends who were supportive to her. If I had to cut all the contact with S. I’d have to cut all the contact with that girl too, because they knew each other and I know that girl wouldn’t understand me and why I need to keep myself away from S. S. knows we both are often in touch and she could ask her whether she knows what’s going on with me and where I am, and she’ll tell her, ’cause why not.

SO I decided to leave them all. I felt awful with it. Like I’m isolating. I’m cruel for S. to not tell her anything. But I knew that if I’d tell her, she would be hurt and offended again and make me feel qualm again. I just needed to do it once and for good, and possibly quickly, before I change my mind. I got rid of all the communicators where S. was. Didn’t delete my account to not make anyone suspect anything, but just got out silently. I changed my Twitter account and protected it and left the old one (luckily I have tons of email addresses for everything) and as I knew from the past she may start to call me like crazy, I even changed my phone number. I felt weird about it all really. Like I’m exaggerating, and hurting her. But I didn’t regret. I don’t regret until now. I have other friends with whom I feel really well and like we are for each other, not the way I was for S. I feel a part of this community and I am so happy I have this blog and I have you guys. And I don’t miss anyone there. I still don’t know and have doubts sometimes whether I did the right thing and think that maybe I am wrong, not her, maybe I can’t have proper relationships with people and wanted too much, or took it too directly, but I still feel good with what I did, I don’t want to go back there. Sometimes I just think about S. I actually feel sorry for her, I would like to know how she’s doing now and whether she has anyone to talk to about her crush and stuff, how she feels about me just disappearing so suddenly. Sometimes I feel like I could tell her something before I left, but I know I’d feel too guilty and she’ll stop me. SO no, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m glad I separated from them, even though I knew so many of them in real life, even though they are blind like me, even though now I hardly ever write in Polish with anyone. πŸ˜€ I don’t feel a part of them. I liked many of them in a way, but I’ve always felt different and kinda awkward with them.

And yesterday I got an email from her… the topic was just her style: “Read it to the end”. I froze. Shit from where she got my email? Did I give it to her? I can’t exclude it, but I can’t remember doing it. The only other way I see how she could get it is via that boy who lives near me – he is a programmer and the author of one of the blind communities where we were. I was registered to that community with this email, and he could give it to her. Well I hope it was this way, not something more sophisticated, I wouldn’t suspect her of doing something more to get it, but who knows.

I didn’t even open that message. I just sat and was shocked. I didn’t want to open it. Was too scared. I set a filter in my email client to always delete any future potential messages from her without bothering me with them. What you never know won’t hurt you, and if I’ll ignore them, she’ll just stop bothering sending anything in future. But after a few hours I decided to open it. I didn’t read the whole of it. Just looked at it very cursorily. She was asking in a way like she was deadly offended whether now when the finals are over I’ll come back and have more time for her. “Im waiting! I’m still waiting! Did something happen? Are you offended or something?”. I don’t know what else was there but at the end she wrote that one of the communities for the blind where we were together is soon to be closed, and if I want I can download an archive of my data from there before they close it. I haven’t been there for ages, and I don’t have anything to do there anymore, and also I knew before that it’s about to close, but I thought it was nice of her to notify me, even though I also knew it was just an excuse to write to me, well she has the right to wonder what’s going on with me, she has the right to ask. And I have the right to my freedom and to leave it as it is. I even was tempted to write to her just to thank her, to simply not be rude, but decided I prefer to be rude than get another message from her then and start it all over again. Sometimes you have to be radical. I am still horribly doubtful whether I do the right thing, maybe I should at least tell her why I left, but I just can’t right now. I wouldn’t even know what to tell her. So I didn’t do anything. But I’m glad it was only this, I was afraid it might be something more awful she wrote. It didn’t however made me freak out completely and I settled again quickly.

And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you one more thing. Tomorrow I’ll have a psychiatric assessment for AVPD and dysthymia. I’m damn anxious, but at the same time I’m really looking forward to it. I wanna know what’s up with my freaky brain. I wanna get some constructive opinion at last. I wanna get some help, although it’s weird because at the same time I’m absolutely scared of getting help and support from people, I just can’t figure out myself and I never will. What’s great is that I’m lucky. The psychiatrist who will assess me will be the same whom I saw those four years ago when I left the boarding school and who diagnosed me with reactive depression. I saw her only once, but I was getting along with her really well and she was very sensible. She works mainly with children. Not exclusively but mainly, and I’m glad she is still willing to assess me even though I’m not a child anymore and I won’t have to tell my story over and over again to someone I don’t know at all.

Congrats to those who got through all my brain vomit, I really appreciate your commitment if you did it, although I realise it’s highly unlikely someone will get through it all, I just needed to ramble and my diary doesn’t seem enough.

Anyway, I want to know what would you tell me if we were having coffee. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

What’s the time where you are now? Would you like a mug of coffee? Well here is 11 PM at this moment, so maybe not the best time for having coffee for most people, but who cares. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll make you a mug of strong black coffee, or a cuppa some more delicate latte, or a mug of hot tea, or anything else. πŸ™‚ I’ve been in Sleepland for most of the day and came back not so long ago, so I guess I’ll stay up late, so let’s have a chat. πŸ™‚ Enjoy your drink. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d be nosy and ask you how you’re doing and what’s going on in your life right now…

So I’ve told you I’ve been to Sleepland today for a big part of the day. That’s weird, even if someone’s biological clock is as insane as mine, well if your biological clock is crazy it’s rather foolish to make it go nuts even more on purpose and sleep during the day. I usually don’t do that if I do’t have to. But I had to, I guess. I had an awful morning with lots of awful anxiety and lots of other awful stuff, just couldn’t focus on anything properly. Don’t know clearly what caused it. I usually take my anti-anxiety meds in the evening, I don’t know what’s wrong with them or with me but most of them make me so very groggy and drowsy, I thought it’s not just me for a long time, but now I see most people who are on anti-anxiety meds and with whom I talked about it don’t have it so bad. Maybe it’s somehow related to my always low blood pressure, dunno. Anyway, because of this I rather try to avoid taking them during the day, especially if I have something important to do, or requiring. My regular anti-anxiety medication has been Hydroxizine, but if a situation is particularly bad, I also take Afobam. Afobam also makes me less groggy – which I find weird because technically it’s stronger – so usually when I’m very anxious during the day and just need something to help me, I’ll usually take Afobam. It doesn’t make me sleepy as Hydroxizine always does. But since I’ve been using it more than usual lately with the session going on and it’s apparently pretty addictive, I wanted to be careful and took a Hydroxizine, the more that it’s weekend so I can do whatever I want. I even started doing my Welsh challenge afterwards and completed it, but felt more groggy every minute, as if I hadn’t slept for days, so as I did my Welsh, I quickly packed all my goods and chattels and got on the plane to Sleepland and getting lost in Sleepland for hours. And boy did I have weird dreams! They were weird, but funny, or beautiful, or creative, or just cool. That’s another weird thing I guess because as far as I know, people usually don’t remember or even don’t have any dreams when they’re on sleepling/anti-anxiety pills. I usually don’t have them too, but today I’ve had a real abundance of dreams. Quite a few of them had to do with my current music crush Gwilym. Obviously I love having dreams with my crushes, especially if they’re bright and clear – dreams, not crushes. I haven’t had many dreams with Gwilym until now, which I thought was sad, I usually dream about my crushes a lot, since they iare a huge part of my life, inspire me, motivate me, and so on and so forth. The term crush isn’t actually accurate, I think I’ll have to come up with something more fitting. You’re lucky guys, because somehow I haven’t talked a lot about my crushes on here yet, especially in comparison to my old, Polish blogs. I just used to write about them sooo much. Don’t know what happened that I don’t do it now, maybe am too busy with these finals and stuff, but… things may change as my feelings for all of my crushes, but mostly for Gwil, since he’s my newest crush, are still as strong as they were back then. I also used to describe at least some of my dreams with my crushes on those old blogs, or parts of these dreams that were sharable and easy to explain to an incidental reader in detail. Now I won’t do it though, they were pretty intricate and very many. Anyway, I’ve had such a fantastic trip to Sleepland, and, until I got back, everything changed and started to look much better, and my anxiety, or most of it, I guess it got lost somewhere in the middle of my journey and haven’t found me until now so, shall we celebrate.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that, ugh, my finals are coming and it’s so awful. As I told y’all last time at the coffee share, I’m not as much afraid of the results, will I pass or not etc. but the whole process is much more frightening for me. I just so desperately want it to be over!!! Luckily, my exam session at school is over, I passed my last exam on Thursday. Now we’ll have the end of the school year next Thursday and I pray to not have to be there till the end of all those celebrations. They plan on doing some slideshow presentations, my term plans, I mean, so I’d have to just sit there and pretend how very interested in everything I am, while anything I could be interested with at least theoretically is visual. πŸ˜€ I’ve also heard there will be some meeting, with coffee and cake and stuff… ughhhh! my “dream” will come true. I just absolutely LOVE eating in such official situations. I don’t even feel like I know these people well enough, I’ve been learning at home for two years, and during my first year at this school, I just felt like I’m invisible, ’cause hardly anyone besides some more sensible teachers and one guy in my class talked to me just because they wanted, the rest did it only when they really had to or didn’t do it at all. I’m curious though what they will be talking about. About school? πŸ˜€ Because usually when I heard any conversations they had, they were about school and stuff we need to do for school, which is normal, because what can a group of completely different people with their own adult lives talk about when they’re at school? My Mum is also very happy at the prospect of it and feels this situation in a similar way, at least that was what she told me. She likes socialising in general, but she also doesn’t know these people and she says she thinks it’ll be incredibly stiff to just sit there and sip coffee with all the students and teachers. In my opinion, drinking coffee together is something rather… hmm, maybe not intimate, but… I’d say reserved for our friends and close ones, just those we trust and feel comfortable with, right? Yeah… I’m glad you agree with me. πŸ˜€ So let’s have some more coffee, shall we? Anyway, I really hope we won’t have to go through all that socialising shit just because the school year is finally over and I can be free.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m quite worried about my Mum lately. A few weeks ago I was mentioning she had gastroscopy and colonoscopy and how it scared me, yeah, even thinking of gastroscopy makes me feel like a jelly lol, and this week she got the results. And they say she most likely has coeliac disease. Well that’s surely better than cancer, or some other things that were coming to our minds, but still, it’s a serious thing. And it would make a lot of sense because she has anemia all the time and nothing in the world seems to be able to change it. They say she needs to do some other more speciffic tests for coeliac disease, I’d be so relieved if they would be negative.

So, because I’m so damn nosy, let me ask you again, how are you doing this week? How’s your weekend going? What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

Hope you enjoyed your coffee and the coffee share. :*

https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/04/20/weekendcoffeeshare-surgery-recovery-take-2/

If we were having coffee… #weekendcoffeeshare. *long post*

If we were having coffee… wow! that’s such a cool prospect. I’d love to have a coffee with you, my lovely readers. So make yourself comfortable, grab a cuppa, or a mug, of coffee, or whatever you like to drink, and maybe even something to eat. I am having a glass of Jack Daniels with Pepsi and ice which I am sipping for about an hour now and chilli crisps. My family is out, so I thought I’d make use of it and invite you all, he he, they won’t be in until at least midnight…

If we were having coffee here in this timezone, I guess we would arrange it at a different time, I don’t think it’s popular anywhere to drink coffee at 09:08 PM. πŸ˜€ Although drinking coffee doesn’t affect me much in terms of energy, I know it does affect many people, so if you’d rather like some tea, or orange juice, or Pepsi, or whisky, or maybe even kefir, feel free and I’ll pour you. We also have a lot of yummy things to eat, my Mum was grocery shopping in the morning. She left me quite a lot of food, she’s always so worried about me when she goes anywhere for a longer time. She made me a lot of sandwiches, a salad, a mug of raspberry tea, and left me these crisps I mentioned as well as lemon ice tea and hazelnuts in chocolate and I guess she assumes I will eat it all. πŸ˜€ It’s rather impossible, so you have to help me.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m very anxious lately. I mean, I am living with anxiety on a daily basis, so it’s like not a big news for anyone who knows me well, but it’s going worse lately. Today is pretty good in comparison to, say recent three weeks, but overall it’s very crappy and it affects me in many ways. My final exams are coming very soon. The first one I’ll have on 4th May. And now I am going through term session, which isn’t as much stressful as the finals, but still. I’ll have Maths exam on Wednesday. I’ll be also passing maths on the finals, which scares the shit out of me the most, because that’s the thing I am completely clueless about, despite my tutor coming to me usually twice a week and draining my brain. Actually, I even wanted to get a certifficate that I am dyscalculic, but although the woman who evaluated me for it said I theoretically match some of the criteria, for some reason blind people can’t be diagnosed with dyscalculia. That’s so weird and I completely don’t understand why. Actually I think it should be otherwise, because I think many blind people may have much more complex issues with such subjects like math or physics, because lots of things are hard to get when you can’t see. I must admit I am trying to accept that it’s pretty likely that I won’t pass this exam. I just feel so clueless about it that I feel like I’d have to experience some massive enlightenment to pass it, and you need “just” 30% correct to pass it. I don’t know whether it is my anxiety and defensive pessimism talking or whether it’s my intuition, but I really feel that as much as I may succeed with other subjects, I will completely fail with this one. My tutor seems also a bit skeptical, well she’d never tell me this, but she seems like… a bit hopeless. πŸ˜€ It won’t be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I won’t pass it though, apart from my pride being a bit smashed and probably the exam being hard to get through and extremely anxiety provoking. I am not a perfectionist about school and I know that even if I’d pass it with 90% I’d still be as clueless as for what to do with my life as I am now, so it won’t change much. I probably wouldn’t be studying further either way, unless online, as my anxiety and mobility/orientation won’t let me. On the other hand though, if I want to develop, I might do it as well without having these exams passed, I still can learn without graduating anything, I can still learn new languages, read books and maybe even go through some courses. I can still work with my languages. My Swedish teacher put it very well. I always thought that if I’d want to work with my languages, translate Vreeswijk’s (my crush and favourite Swedish artist) poems to Polish, I’d need to be a major in linguistics and Swedish and translation and who knows what else, maybe even in Polish, and if I’d like to work in whichever way with my languages, I’d need some certifficates and other crap. And he told me something I never thought about before. If I know a language, how can someone tell me that I don’t know it? How much more will a piece of paper say about my language abilities than I could say myself? And that’s so simple and so true. He was generally so simple and true while still being wise, well I suppose he still is, but he just doesn’t teach me anymore. He said he gives up after he saw my translations of Vreeswijk’s “Vaggvisa” (Lullaby). πŸ˜€ He claimed I’d better start to teach others than still learn myself and acted like I did something very unusual. πŸ˜€ But I wouldn’t like to be a teacher. Going back to the exams, since I just feel it deep down I won’t do it well, I even wanted to give up and not take them at all, but I thought tat if I went this far in this school I am now, I should do it because it would be pointless to stop it now. And I would maybe regret it later. ‘Cause who knows, maybe it will go well. But I decided that if it won’t, I won’t redo the Math exam, evenif my family would want it, or my tutor or the committee would persuade me.

The following paragraph talks about stuff regarding religion, spirituality, Christianity, Catholicism, evil spirit and spiritual dangers from the Christian point of view. I suppose it may be triggering for some, hence I’m forewarning.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you my gramma travelled for a sort of pilgrimage to some Christian community and is praying for me today with these people. My gramma is a really religious person, but not in the way so many elderly ladies are – kind of devotee – she was always very soulful and devout and has even graduated in theology or something like this, it interests her deeply. I’ve been having sleep paralysis almost my entire life and recently it got worse, probably because of worsened anxiety and my sleep routine being rubbish, and I was talking to my Mum a lot about it. I wouldn’t think she’d be so much concerned about it, but she was very concerned and talked with gramma about it. I weren’t glad of it to be honest, I don’t like when my issues are discussed like this, but I know their intentions were and are good. And my gramma got concerned too. You know, it’s hard to describe for me what I experience during sleep paralysis, it’s just scary and that’s pretty much all I can say, but for people who have never experienced it must have think it’s even more scary, I guess, ’cause it sounds scary overall, so I guess that’s why they were so concerned. But my gramma thought it can be something more spiritual than physical. It’s because, before I really became Christian and stopped pretending I am atheist or agnostic or Wiccan or whatever else I was doing some things considered as spiritually dangerous, or immoral, , by Christian religion. I was a teenager then and wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing, I was just hurting and wanted some escape, was feeling very rebellious. I was at the boarding school lead by nuns and although my own family was very religious and practicing, all the things related to religion, I associated with the school, and in my school it all was pretty artificial. And I didn’t want to be like them. I desperately wanted to be different, even though I already was. I experienced LD (lucid dreams), OOBE (out of body experiences), used Doses (those sounds that interfer with our brain waves and work like drugs and are said to be non addictive, but mess up with our brain), I was listening to very overwhelming, kinda dark music, which made me even more depressed. I mean, I still often listen to some Gothic music if it isn’t against my views, but that was just so heavy and depressing, some of it even satanic, but I got to know about it later on and had no idea what it really is. And I had friends who did other, more serious things. It was a short period of time and then it luckily happened that some people and things helped me to find the Road I should follow again and I am so grateful for all that to happen. Then I got out of that school and was able to close that dark chapter in my life completely. I did all I could to not let that evil I once let in my life to come back again. Also, when I was like a baby, my Mum was very desperate and, like most parents of disabled children at the beginning, couldn’t accept the fact that I can’t see. And so she was looking for some hope everywhere. From doctors, to quakes, to alternative medicine specialists, to other healers like bioenergotherapists. Bioenergotherapy is something completely against Christian views and beliefs, but – as so many people – she wasn’t aware back then how much damage it could possibly make to me, her, and our family, in the spiritual sense. And my gramma, who then read some things about sleep paralysis – that you can have kind of dark and overwhelming dreams etc. etc. etc. she started to think they are consequences of all those things and are something of more spiritual nature. Although I was feeling the consequences of all these things I did as a teenager for some time afterwards, I really don’t think sleep paralysis could be one of them. I was working really hard to close all that shit and leave behind, my Mum also changed pretty much with time, we both decided to have general confession of our whole lives, seeked for help in this field, even decided to attend some exorcisms just in case, you know, no one conscious would like to carry this shit all the time if you can get rid of it. And since a few years, I must tell you I feel like I am spiritually healed and free. So, although I don’t want to exclude my Gramma’s theory completely, ’cause, you know, everything is possible in this world and she is surely wiser and more experienced than I am, I must say I highly doubt it to be true. But, anyway, I appreciate her being so caring and praying for me with all these people she’s with. If this is the reason of this crap haunting me as long as I can remember, I’ll be eternally grateful.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I had a History exam on Monday and passed it. It was one of my term exams. I didn’t have doubts as for whether I’ll pass it or not, our school exams are stressful, but ridiculously easy to pass. I am really more and more convinced that my History teacher is more sociophobic than I am. He actually annoys me so much. He acts like he’s deadly afraid of me. Like my optic nerve hypoplasia was contagious or something. It’s really annoying and making contact so much more difficult. When he talks to me, he seems so so frightened, like he’d expect me to do something horrible, like snap at him suddenly or something. Now I am learning at home and coming to school only for exams, but two years ago, as I started at this school, I made an attempt to go to school as normal people. I had a classmate who was very helpful for me and was kinda my assistant and guide and the only one person in my class who didn’t act like I’m not there. And he also noticed how freaked out this guy is interacting with me. And he (my classmate) had a lot of laugh about it and one day he proposed me to make use of it. As he said, not many students have this privilege that a teacher is so scared of them, it gave me a certain power over him in his opinion. And he told me I should do something unpredictable on his lesson. Like start to scream and laugh like crazy out of the blue for no reason. πŸ˜€ I was a bit hesitant, but decided to give it a go! Yeah. And my classmate was thrilled. He said he was sure the teacher won’t get over it and he wanted to bet that he’ll pee in front of the class or do anything else like that. That seemed a bit scary and unlikely for me, so OK, I agreed to make a bet. We decided the one who will win will get the other a pizza. So we picked a date and were thrilled and couldn’t wait, I was also a bit anxious because I’ve never did such dramas before, at least not in public. πŸ˜€ But as that day was approaching, I was more and more worried. What if he’d really pee in front of the class? That would be real scary, wouldn’t it? So finally I told my friend I won’t do it of ity for him, he’s scared enough without it and it would be soo bitchy of me to do it. He was quite disappointed. Lol people doing such things to their teacher at a school for adults. πŸ˜€ My classmate was about 40. πŸ˜€ But still I wonder sometimes, what if I’d do it. πŸ˜€ Maybe he’d stop treating me like the air. Not that I care about what he thinks about me, but it would really help with communication and my learning if he treated me like a human being and not like I’m completely invisible. So I came in for the exam and immediately felt less anxious, because I sensed how stressed and stiff he is. You know he asked me when WW II started? I was kinda confused, like, wow, I was learning so much and you are asking me such a foolish question. πŸ˜€ It wasn’t the only one and I had some harder ones too, but anyway, it surprised me, did he really think I could not know such more than basic stuff? πŸ˜€ I got 5 from this exam. I guess 5 is something between A and B for English-speaking countries. If A is a mark you get for some excellent achievements, then 5 is B, it is very good, but not more than you should know. SO glad that another exam is over.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

Hope you had some nice time here and you liked your coffee and that I didn’t bore you too much.

#WeekendCoffeeShare

Buy me a coffee

Hi! πŸ™‚

Recently I’ve been seeing quite a few people having “Buy Me A Coffee” buttons on their blogs or talking about buying coffee for bloggers and I was interested what’s it all about, and so I found out about ko-fi.com.

I started my own page on there and I have a big big ask for you guys. I’d be extremely grateful if you could get me a coffee or two. πŸ™‚

Currently I’m saving for a new Braille-Sense (you know, that thing I’m reading/writing/doing other things with), as my current one is suffering for very long (10 years or so) and desperately needs retirement, plus is also a little bit outdated. The new one I’d like to get is about 96000 dollars, (!!!) so either way I’d need some funding from my local organisations, but your coffees could help me reach my goal a little bit faster.

I’ll be applying for some funding in August, and if all goes well and I’ll be able to get this new Braille-Sense, I’d use your coffees for my linguistic needs – like paying for my courses, buying books and other resources, don’t know what other future challenges in this field might be – or for other specialised (or not) techy stuff to help me deal with various aspects of life with blindness, or some stuff to help me with mental health struggles in various ways.

So if you like what I write, or relate to it, or anything, and can and want to help me achieve my goals, your coffees would be much appreciated. πŸ™‚

Buy me a coffee.

Also, I’ve made the image widget for my blog so you could easily navigate to the link anytime, but I’m not sure if it actually looks decent, so any feedback about that would be helpful as well.

Thanks in advance for your kindness, guys. πŸ™‚