Gwibdaith Hen FrΓ’n – Coffi Du (Black Coffee).

Hi guys! πŸ™‚

Dw i’n hoffi coffi! That’s I like coffee in Welsh, doesn’t it sound cool? πŸ˜€

Any other coffee addicts here? This is a song for you. πŸ˜€ I love it, because it describes my relationship with coffee so well! OK, I don’t think I’m an addict, I can manage a day without coffee or more in necessary, it can just be damn hard when you have always very low blood pressure, but when I really want to feel the effects of coffee, I need to drink a few because I’ve never was particularly sensitive to caffeine. My Mum just laughed when I read the lyrics to her, she’s been drinking coffee everyday since she’s grown up and if by some accident she sometimes don’t do it on time, so right after she wakes up, she quickly gets an awful headache. But at least she manages on one coffee a day.

So yeah, today’s song is for the love of coffee, it’s just fabulous. And, as for the band, Gwibdaith Hen FrΓ’n are a trip folk band from north Wales, and I must say I like their quirkiness.

The lyrics are in the video, both Welsh and English. Enjoy. πŸ™‚

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share – Eclectic Alli

 

Anyone up for a cuppa? πŸ™‚ Me, definitely so! Although I’ve had one before.

But I didn’t get any sleep last night, so for me it’s normal that I can’t live without coffee then.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask each one of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d like to thank those of you who supported me on Thursday when I was in so much anxiety. If you’d like to catch up on what happened to get what I’m writing about and what’s beenΒ  such a big deal for me, read this post.

And even if we weren’t having coffee, I’d like to thank all of you for your support, it means so so much to me. This past week wasn’t the worst, but it was a bit scary sometimes, for some reason my anxiety was really through the roof sometimes. And today it isn’t the best either, but it’s much better now and I manage. Plus who isn’t anxious when having a Zombie day? Even normal people are, I guess, even just a bit. As for my emetophobia, it stayed with me for quite a while after that incident, I’m so happy nothing major happened to Zofijka’s friend, but I couldn’t eat anything at all until the next DAY when I woke up, and I had some emetophobic dreams, very yucky, my brain can be really inventive sometimes when it comes to creating dreams, full respect to it for that, even I don’t think I could ever be as inventive as my brain is with some of my dreams.

And, as for that appointment with massage therapist, ugh, I was very very very scared. I just had so much crappy experience with all sorts of orthopaedists, physiotherapists, surgeons, massage therapists, naah… I’m not gonna talk about it now, I told you a bit in that earlier post and that’s already quite a lot I think. And I was just sure it’s gonna be just the same. But the more rational part of me wanted to go to see if he can help me maybe do better at horse riding, or the Tibetan exercises. I was shaky, but I went there although I wuld most gladly not do it. And it turned out that I indeed did a good thig going there. This guy, and how he approached me, was completely different than I expected. I thought he’d be just like everyone of similar profession before, very condescending, talking to my Mum instead of me, and looking at me as a museum exhibit and scaring the shit out of me way more than necessary, if it’s necessary at all.

At first I waited while he massaged my Mum. I brought my book with me, but it turned out useless, because I really engaged in the conversation they both had. I mostly listened, but it was very interesting. Mum’s massage therapist is from Ukraine, and apart from being a massage therapist he’s also a physician, iridologist and such, I’d say a bit like a quake, but with a medical education. And they talked about many interesting things. Mostly my Mum – who is very interested in lifestyle asked him about what he thinks about different things that she does or uses to improve her health, and he also was describing to us how e’s working with people as a hypnotherapist, which was fascinating to listen to, even though I’m not that much convinced that hypnotherapy could work, but still, I like to hear different people’s opinions on such things. He seemed very laid back and communicative overall, and I knew why Mum told I’ll like him, we both generally like versatile people.

Then it was time for me. I was very very very scared. He wanted to look at me at first so he could see if and how my muscles are indeed contracted. I felt very exposed, I’m not really comfortable with people studying me like that, but luckily it didn’t last long, and I don’t think my anxiety was very visible. He told me that yes, I do have some muscles very tense but it’s probably just stress-related. So my Mum felt relieved because she thought it’s something serious. Then he looked at my feet and he said there can’t be much done now, but it’s not that bad as it could be and he doesn’t understand all the drama the other doctors have made about it if it’s not painful for me in normal life circumstances. Like sure it is a defect but way too small to make so much fuss about it. Oh, that was just how I’ve been always feeling about it, but of course have never told anyone abut it, because, apparently, health professionals should know their business and what they do and why, so who I or my Mum was to argue. So then he told me that it would be good if I had massages from time to time just to relax my muscles and my body and my brain So I agreed and then he massaged me for like an hour.

I wasn’t triggered anymore, so I started to feel like the anxiety is letting out of me slowly, and the massage really helped me to relax, in fact at one point when no one of us talked I almost fell asleep, even though it was rather dynamic. We talked about people’s brains, and our cat who is Misha and his brother who is Misha too and how similar they are. He gave me many advices. He told me that I am “way too skinny”, which, well, actually doesn’t bother me and I don’t know what to do about it to change it, I don’t stick to any restrictive diet, well any diet at all, other than eat whatever you want, well except for my emetophobic quirks, I don’t move more than I want to or have to, and that’s one of the reasons why I actually don’t believe I could have hypothyroidism, just only hypopituitarism. After some long discussion he agreed with me that I could be misdiagnosed or “overdiagnosed” in childhood, and that let us all to discussing our health services and health services across the Europe, actually, and then we even talked about politics. I hate smalltalking with people I don’t know, so it started to feel much more at ease that we talked about something speciffic. πŸ˜€ He gave me a lot of advices as for what I should eat to gain some more weight in a healthy way, well, we’ll try how it works. And he told me how I can naturally deal with low blood pressure, and my Mum too. Then my Mum talked to him about her most favurite topic which is honestly becoming very boring to me lately because she’s constantly nagging at me about it – namely vitamin D. And by the way he told me something I was really glad to hear, that I don’t have to sit directly on the sun and roast like my Mum to get vitamin D. Actually I shouldn’t, my Mum has a very dark complexion in comparison to me, so for her it’s OK, but I should apparently rather sit in more shady places and that apparently when the sun light is reflecting for example through the trees it still can give you vitamin D. So I can still stay my Gothic self while getting enough vitamin D. πŸ˜€ I really don’t feel like myself with the sunburn. πŸ˜€ So it was a huge relief. And OMG I made a shocking discovery I love when people massage my feet. Later on I told Mum about it that it felt so cool, and she told me that when I was a baby she was massaging my feet because she heard that when you press on some places on your feet you can stimulate optic nerve via acupressure or something like that, and, ya know, she was desperate for me to see, obviously, so maybe that’s why I like it so much if she did it so often. And she laughed that when I’ll finally start to look for a husband, I should not only look for a Jack with both Viking and Celtic blood, but also for a Jack, who would be eager to massage my feet. πŸ˜€ Lol that’s undoubtedly something to consider, if I’ll be ever looking for my Jack seriously. πŸ˜€ I have been to other massage therapists before and of course since I have issues with feet I’ve had feet massages, but they were mainly to stretch my legs muscles, and it hurt like hell, so that afterwards I felt like a jelly and could barely walk normally.

Anyway, afterwards, I felt like most of the anxiety I had was gone. I was so glad it wasn’t so triggering as I thought it’d be assuming from my previous experiences, I would never expect that. He told me that if I’ll feel a lot of tension I can come back and after like four sessions I should definitely see some difference. Honestly I’m a bit skeptical, because I’ve been so tense and hypervigilant all my life that I don’t really know how it is to feel otherwise, but that sounds very cool.

On the way back we got chips – a certainly very healthy food that will help me gain weight healthily, but, oh, wel, we just wanted to have chips, who cares.

I actually thought I’d sleep just fine after so much relaxation but also stimulation for my muscles, I was exhausted as we got home, but for some reason I couldn’t. My Mum couldn’t as well though (a very rare thing for her, she’s normally a heavy sleeper).

As I wrote you in last post, we have some issues with Dad recently, but I won’t go int it now since I’ve already wrote about it. That’s just soo annoying.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we’ll probably have a bonfire tonight. I don’t know though whether I’ll be there with them, depends how I’ll be functioning in the evening without sleep and how late it will be, there will be some Dad’s family, so I wouldn’t like to fall asleep and fall off the bench in front of them, they’re always so judgmental I can imagine them anxiously making suspicions that I have to be addicted to something and trying to guess what could it be. πŸ˜€ No of course I’m trying to kid rather poorly, but I don’t think I’ll be in the mood to talk to people and laugh at their poor jokes when the only thing I’ll be thinking about will be sleep.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that holidays have finally started for everyone f us, not just for me. Zofijka and Olek got their diplomas and Olek has officially graduated and is a car mechanic. I really hope he’ll find a good job and will be able to do something interesting for him in life.

Oh, and if we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday I made another interesting discovery – I can understand MORE Welsh. Like, I started level 3 of my course, and, without some more sophisticated words, and with some deduction and more focusing, I can pretty much understand the news on BBC Radio Cymru. YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! That was so rewarding. I didn’t feel any major progress in months until now, and it started to feel a little, little bit frustrating. Not like I’m not prepared or familiar with frustration related to learning a language so even if I wouldn’t see any progress in the next few months I wouldn’t give up, but it felt good that finally I was able to see something is really going forward. Though, have I told you I’m planning to get some additional Swedish lessons online? When I’m reading something more intellectual, I feel like my linguistic skills are often not enough, I have to check up so many things yet. I would like to polish it a bit more, to make it more natural, get more vocabulary in, and there still are some little grammar things that always confuse me. Oh but I guess I was writing abut it before.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that my parents’ friend’s mum has died. They went to her funeral today. I am at home with Zofijka and Misha. Zofijka’s fascination with skunks is flourishing! She’s starting to notice though how niche her interest is. Recently she was looking for a skunk emoji, and couldn’t find any. That’s the life of a freak. πŸ˜€ Well I don’t think she’s one, she’s a fairly typical girl her age besides those skunks, but at least now she has a choice and can choose herself, what she wants to be. Although there was a period in my life when I was quite a typical girl too (what? you don’t believe me?! :O ), I really was, and when I finally saw how it is to be different, I chose to be different.

OK, so that’s it from me today, I think.

What would YOU tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s

So it’s another weekend and let’s have some coffee guys, although I’d rather suggest ice coffee, it’s incredibly hot here, 30 degrees C. or something like this. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d ask each of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I am really looking forward to some cooler temps. I’m not the best at tolerating the heat so not feeling the best physically this week. I’ve suspended the Tibetan exercises until it will cool down and did them only on Monday. My room is the hottest in the whole house, it always warms up in the afternoon, luckily I have an air conditioner now and it’s on from like 3 PM until the morning. I am glad the weather is nice but a bit exhausted with the temps above 30 C in the end of May and the beginning of June. What pisses me off is that always when it’s so hot my blood pressure seems to go even more down than it’s normally and so my energy is almost non existent. Misha’s sleeping most of the time and my Mum who also has constantly low blood pressure and low tolerance to the heat feels crappy too. We’d be really glad to have a little storm and some rain.

If we were having coffee I would tell you I had an awful migraine on Wednesday. I think it was because of the heat. I spent almost the whole day in Mum’s room which seems to be the coldest one and either sleeping or just existing. I actually didn’t think it would be a full migraine, I just felt some little headache in the morning, but it got much stronger very quickly. What I hate about migraines other than just having it and being in pain and stuff is that usually when I get it I also have some scary dreams. And this time wasn’t an exception, although luckily I didn’t slip into the sleep paralysis and those very very dark dreams, they were just exhausting and weird and definitely not good. I felt better in the afternoon though and was completely free of pain in the evening. I decided to do some creative stuff, despite my brain melting successively and worked on one of Vreeswijk’s poems, which I started translating to Polish months ago. It is so frustrating, so far I have only a few of them done, I started a couple of them already but can’t finish any. I haven’t finished ANYTHING this year, guess I was too low most of the time even when I had some more time for it hypothetically. It drives me crazy that it seems that when I translate his poems, I can get through some part smoothly and then I always get stuck somewhere. But with this one – “Balladen Om Bonden Och DjΓ€vulen” (The Ballad About The Peasant And The Devil) I’m very near the end now. Despite I find it rather hard – masculine rhymes, which are so common in Swedish, but not as much in Polish, but since this poem is also his song I thought I should leave the original structure of verses, and his very unique style which was kinda hard for me to transfer into Polish in case of this poem, but at least no word games this time. This is a funny, folkloristic ballad about the peasant who is visited by the devil and he complains to the devil that he has gotten old and unappealing, while his wife is young and beautiful and he’s jealous of young men’s youth and he asks the devil to help him keep his wife by his side, so that she’d love and desire only him and the devil helps him, supposedly. I really miss those times when I translated more of him, and was very productive with doing it. So I really really hope that I’ll be able to finish this one soon and the final effect won’t be too rubbish. Then I’d like start to work with his “Veronica”, although this one is a real masterpiece so I’m not sure how it’ll go and I think it would take me a lot of time. I’m a little anxious about it, because what if I foozle it completely… but at the same time I really want to try because I know no one else would do it in Polish, and I’m curious whether I can manage it. Or if not “Veronica” I might go with a short but powerful poem called “HemstΓ€llan” which is about death and really speaks to me, but looks lke there is a word in it that is hardly translatable into Polish. I think I could go much further with translating his works if I wouldn’t be so intimidated that I may fuck it up or that translating his poems to Polish is pointless and that my dream just can’t come true. But I still am, maybe because I can’t judge my translations objectively. I tried to show them to my Swedish teacher back when he was teachingΒ  me but I feel like he can’t be objective too, well I was his best student and he wasn’t really used to having students translating Swedish poetry, so any time I showed something to him he was shocked and wondered how I do it which I can’t explain because it’s usually very spontaneously. And I feel like he never saw any flaws to my translations, other than some very glaring ones, which was always a bit confusing for me. There was my friend Jacek – the one with whom we made up the novel about Ragnarok and the viking gods – and he spoke Swedish, but sadly I can no longer ask him for any advices… Although back then he was very constructive whenever I showed him something I’ve translated. But I actually don’t know whether it’s really the problem that no one can be objective or just my AVPD goes in the way and makes me think that there’s no way at all I can do it right, which, I suppose, might also be possible. So anyway guys, please wish me luck with that ballad, it’s really short, but I’ve been dilly-dallying with it for so long that now when I finally got a bit forward I’d love to get through it and do it well.

On Thursday morning I had a blood test planned to check how my thyroid hormones are doing and had to get up at 6:30 to have it done, but because I slept so much during the day because of the migraine, I had a sleepless night, then I finally fell asleep at 5 AM so Mum decided I shouldn’t go anywhere and be a Zombie and she rescheduled it. after the blood test we planned to go to the church because it was Corpus Christi holiday and we wanted to do it possibly early because of the heat, but finally they went without me and I just listened to the Mass in the radio later on. Then they went out again to take part in the procession, but me and Mum stayed home because it was really hot and we didn’t want to risk fainting in public, that would be scary. πŸ˜€ In the evening some of Dad’s family came and we were barbecuing, although I wasn’t with them for a long time because it was just so boring so I helped Mum out in the kitchen a bit.

Yesterday I had an awful morning. I woke up around 9, but didn’t feel like getting up, didn’t have anything necessary to do and not much energy and there was no one else at home except my Mum and Misha who were also napping, so I stayed in bed and I did one challenge of my Welsh course, well I didn’t finish it because suddenly I felt somehow very tired and exhausted, definitely not as if I just woke up. Soon I fell asleep again, or rather in a sort of lethargy, with some very weird and enigmatic dreams. But I know that even in those dreams I felt incredibly weak and tired and wondered why. Then I woke up around noon and was really concerned. I just felt so… faint, wiped out, weak, dunno… like I just ran a marathon, haven’t eaten for weeks and was very sick, all together. Even turning in bed was a bit of a challenge. I was dizzy, shaky, sweating and unable to do anything. my pulse was racing And my mind felt lethargic and a bit foggy. After some time, don’t know how much really, Mum came in to my room and told me it’s noon and that we slept really long and that maybe I”d get up already. Hmmmmmm, good sugestion, but… easier said than done. I just couldn’t imagine how I could make such a heroic effort as getting up. But maybe if I got up, ate something, drank a coffee, things would get better? I motivated myself, prepared for the effort for like 15 minutes, then finally managed to sit on the bed. I thought maybe it would be wise if I drank something first, well it’s hot, and we had a lot of salty and spicy stuff in the evening at the barbecue, and I hadn’t drank much then, maybe I’m a bit dehydrated, well I doubted that I can be so very dehydrated to feel this way, apart from the evening I was drinking something almost all the time, but who knows… That thought made my fucking emetophobia kick in. But I wasn’t even strong enough to feel very anxious. I made another considerable effort to reach the glass of water I had on my bedside table. My hands were shaky as if I was a drunkard in intense delirium or something, the part of my mind that was working more efficiently was very concerned that I may soon pour everything over my bed and my precious PlexTalk. It all was taking me ridiculous amounts of time and deep down I felt kinda scared. I even thought about calling my Mum to help me out somehow, but thought that when I’ll call her, she’ll freak out and I’ll freak out too, ’cause it will feel like it’s too bad to manage it on my own so something really concerning is going on, plus I thought I have too little energy to waste it on screaming. As I was drinking the water very slowly, stopping every now and then, I just remembered my Finnish pen pal named Sohvi. Sohvi’s biggest passion is painting, she’s sent me some of her paintings’ photos and my Mum saw them and described them to me and said they seem really good. She could be a professional painter, but can’t, because she has M.E and POTS and I remembered how she wrote me that on her significantly bad days she’s actually unable to do anything and just lies in bed because even sitting can make her dizzy and is too exhausting. So the only times when she can paint or do anything else around the house are when she has her better days. It always seemed so sad for me that she can’t fulfill herself being such a wise and sensitive person as she is. I am quite an empathetic person and my imagination is very fertile so I could imagine how she has to feel on her bad days, but now it felt like a horrifically similar experience, for me personally, not like I know exactly how it is to struggle with these conditions. My imagination started to work. So what? Am I going to end up as Sohvi so suddenly? And what then? I will never translate Vreeswijk’s poems for Polish people, I will never write that novel about the viking gods, my blog will be just hanging in the blogosphere, waiting for the day when I’ll be able to write anything, and my languages… Well that seemed rather saddening. Actually I had similar things happening to me before a few times that I woke up so faint and exhausted but never as intense. It was usually due to too low blood pressure or when I was sick or at some point at the boarding school when my brain was completely screwed up from all the anxiety, stress etc. and I ate very little because of my emetophobia and because I cared very little about and for myself in general. When I drank the water I still had enough ambition to get up, but my body was stronger than me and I just fell on the bed again. Finally I found the strength to get up, didn’t evenΒ  get dressed, although was incredibly dizzy, but managed to get downstairs by some miracle, and then find Mum in the cellar. I told Mum I think something’s wrong with me like I have low blood pressure or sugar or maybe something is going on with me because of the heat, and that I am completely wiped out and actually feel like I’m gonna faint anytime. Mum helped me, or rather dragged me to the kitchen and made me breakfast and then I felt more manageable. I showered, had a black coffee, then two big glasses of Mum’s orange juice and felt almost OK and definitely functional. Although when Mum measured my blood pressure it was still very low and for the whole day I felt dizzy and faint while standing and if I stood for longer it felt really unpleasant. My Mum also wasn’t feeling the best though. I think it’s all because of this heat. Anyway, I’m glad I’m OK now, but it was a bit scary, to just wake up and not be able to do anything, some part of me was really so anxious that almost sure that from now on I’m gonna share Sohvi’s fate although it was ridiculous to think so cos I guess such things don’t happen during one night.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you today Zofijka went to the Jump City with her cousin. It’s because it was Children’s Day yesterday. Zofijka is a kind of kid who always seeks for more adrenaline and likes when a lot of stuff happens around her, and she seemed happy. What I am kind of disappointed about is that those skunk slippers I bought her for her birthday still haven’t come. I hoped maybe I’ll be able to give them to her on Friday, but seems like their road is very long. Tomorrow I’m gonna be home alone for most of the day, Dad is going to work somewhere further and Mum is going with him – he’s a tank driver for those of you who don’t remember and sometimes he takes someone of us with him – and Zofijka is going on the beach with our cousins, and Olek is working. Don’t really know what I will be doing though.

OK, so that would be all from me.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If We WeRE Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

Time for another Weekend Coffee Share

hosted by Eclectic Alli.

If we were having coffee, assuming it would take place in my house, you’d hear children screaming, running and playing. Zofijka is having her birthday party for her friends and cousins. TOmorrow she’ll make a more serious one, with dinner and all, for her God parents and grandparents. It’s a pity those skunk slippers I got for her haven’t arrived yet, but hope it’ll happen soon and that she’ll like them. Today I’ve heard her confiding to one of her friends how much she likes skunks, and they now call her Sophie Skunk. πŸ˜€

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we have Mother’s Day today, so, happy Mother’s Day to all of you mummies. πŸ™‚ Never mind that for most of you your actual Mother’s Day has already passed this year, let’s celebrate once again. So if you consider yourself a mum – be it a mum for your own children, heart mum for someone, adoptive mum, mum to be, pet mum or any other kind of mummy, feel free to have some extra coffee and an extra muffin. Yes, we have muffins today because of Mother’s Day. They’re shop bought but still. Very yummy. And we have lots of other stuff – a very yummy, homemade chicken soup with dumplings, jelly with grapes and strawberries, Zofijka’s yucky Soy Luna birthday cake, well I haven’t tried it, it’s for the kids, but all those shop bought overly decorative birthday cakes for kids are always yucky and from what this one apparently looks like, I wouldn’t expect it to be different. But we also have some nice sponge cake with strawberries and other stuff that my Mum has made and it’s brilliant. And a lot of fruit and other things. So well, help yourself, particularly all the mummies here.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I bought my Mum a new speaker which she can connect to her phone and play her own music in the kitchen. She always wanted to be able to listen to something else than just the radio, like her Spotify or something, so hope she’ll be happy, but it haven’t arrived yet either.

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you’re doing…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m not doing the best moodwise today. Don’t really know what happened, I just woke up and felt like again I’m slipping into that awful hole from where I’ve barely got out recently. I know I had some yucky dreams tonight and maybe that’s what pushed me down, and then some thing happened later on today that made my slip ride even quicker. I’m not down there yet and managed to stop the slide somewhere at the beginning of the last lap though so that’s good at least now I’m wondering which way I’ll go from here, up or down into the hole again. Of course I hope for the first, the more that I’ve been feeling really good over the last week, but guess nothing lasts forever, meh that’shit you have to feel blah for most of the time, but that seems to be the main rule for my flippin’ brain. Anyways…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Misha’s with me all the time today. The kids are playing on the balcony and Misha can’t go there because then he jumps on the roof and Misha is generally crazy in the fresh air, poor child, and there would be no one to keep an eye on him there in all the comotion we have here today, so Mum told me to close him in my room and so I did. Thought he won’t be glad of it, but he just went to bed and still is sleeping very heavily. Guess he didn’t sleep the best at night, I don’t know where he was then, not with me anyway and not in any of the hideouts that I know of. He’s so so sweet when he’s sleeping.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that yesterday there have been new books added to our Polish digital library for the blind and there was one I literally couldn’t wait for, the new book by MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz. MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz is one of my most favourite writers, I absolutely love her series “JeΕΌycjada”, and my Mum told me a few months ago that she’d seen her new book in the bookshop. I knew it will be in our library because all the books by Musierowicz are and they are scanned and added pretty quickly, but it seemed so long for me and I just couldn’t wait. My Mum suggested that maybe we could read it together which I’d be very happy about, but finally it didn’t happen. Plus my Mum isn’t a good reader, whenever she starts reading a book, her eyes become heavy and she feels sleepy, so reads a single book for quite a long time so I felt that the book will be available for me maybe even before we’d get to half of it. And yesterday it came! And I’m reading it right now. Maybe Musierowicz is the one whom I should be thankful too that I haven’t yet slipped down into my gloomy hole. Her books are always so full of warmth, happiness and yes, positivity, but not the kind of positivity you usually think of while hearing this word, a foolish optimism, kinda artificial one and for all means, just to not be negative. It’s very natural so that when you read her books you just have to smile or even laugh at times. And you get a lot of stuff to ponder on, during and after the reading so your brain has something more productive to do than overthinking, overanalysing, rethinking, freaking out, overloading itself etc. And you get hungry immediately, they eat so so so many yummy things. They are so many that she’s even written a whole book with recipes of the dishes her characters eat. I only wish her books were longer. They read so quickly. You want to read more and more and more and suddenly it’s over. There aren’t many other writers that I love as much as Musierowicz. and I know her in person and I’ve even been to her and I was in her house and it was sooo cool.

So how are you doing guys? What happened to you this week? πŸ™‚ What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

 

If we were having coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare

What’s the time where you are now? Would you like a mug of coffee? Well here is 11 PM at this moment, so maybe not the best time for having coffee for most people, but who cares. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll make you a mug of strong black coffee, or a cuppa some more delicate latte, or a mug of hot tea, or anything else. πŸ™‚ I’ve been in Sleepland for most of the day and came back not so long ago, so I guess I’ll stay up late, so let’s have a chat. πŸ™‚ Enjoy your drink. πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee, I’d be nosy and ask you how you’re doing and what’s going on in your life right now…

So I’ve told you I’ve been to Sleepland today for a big part of the day. That’s weird, even if someone’s biological clock is as insane as mine, well if your biological clock is crazy it’s rather foolish to make it go nuts even more on purpose and sleep during the day. I usually don’t do that if I do’t have to. But I had to, I guess. I had an awful morning with lots of awful anxiety and lots of other awful stuff, just couldn’t focus on anything properly. Don’t know clearly what caused it. I usually take my anti-anxiety meds in the evening, I don’t know what’s wrong with them or with me but most of them make me so very groggy and drowsy, I thought it’s not just me for a long time, but now I see most people who are on anti-anxiety meds and with whom I talked about it don’t have it so bad. Maybe it’s somehow related to my always low blood pressure, dunno. Anyway, because of this I rather try to avoid taking them during the day, especially if I have something important to do, or requiring. My regular anti-anxiety medication has been Hydroxizine, but if a situation is particularly bad, I also take Afobam. Afobam also makes me less groggy – which I find weird because technically it’s stronger – so usually when I’m very anxious during the day and just need something to help me, I’ll usually take Afobam. It doesn’t make me sleepy as Hydroxizine always does. But since I’ve been using it more than usual lately with the session going on and it’s apparently pretty addictive, I wanted to be careful and took a Hydroxizine, the more that it’s weekend so I can do whatever I want. I even started doing my Welsh challenge afterwards and completed it, but felt more groggy every minute, as if I hadn’t slept for days, so as I did my Welsh, I quickly packed all my goods and chattels and got on the plane to Sleepland and getting lost in Sleepland for hours. And boy did I have weird dreams! They were weird, but funny, or beautiful, or creative, or just cool. That’s another weird thing I guess because as far as I know, people usually don’t remember or even don’t have any dreams when they’re on sleepling/anti-anxiety pills. I usually don’t have them too, but today I’ve had a real abundance of dreams. Quite a few of them had to do with my current music crush Gwilym. Obviously I love having dreams with my crushes, especially if they’re bright and clear – dreams, not crushes. I haven’t had many dreams with Gwilym until now, which I thought was sad, I usually dream about my crushes a lot, since they iare a huge part of my life, inspire me, motivate me, and so on and so forth. The term crush isn’t actually accurate, I think I’ll have to come up with something more fitting. You’re lucky guys, because somehow I haven’t talked a lot about my crushes on here yet, especially in comparison to my old, Polish blogs. I just used to write about them sooo much. Don’t know what happened that I don’t do it now, maybe am too busy with these finals and stuff, but… things may change as my feelings for all of my crushes, but mostly for Gwil, since he’s my newest crush, are still as strong as they were back then. I also used to describe at least some of my dreams with my crushes on those old blogs, or parts of these dreams that were sharable and easy to explain to an incidental reader in detail. Now I won’t do it though, they were pretty intricate and very many. Anyway, I’ve had such a fantastic trip to Sleepland, and, until I got back, everything changed and started to look much better, and my anxiety, or most of it, I guess it got lost somewhere in the middle of my journey and haven’t found me until now so, shall we celebrate.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that, ugh, my finals are coming and it’s so awful. As I told y’all last time at the coffee share, I’m not as much afraid of the results, will I pass or not etc. but the whole process is much more frightening for me. I just so desperately want it to be over!!! Luckily, my exam session at school is over, I passed my last exam on Thursday. Now we’ll have the end of the school year next Thursday and I pray to not have to be there till the end of all those celebrations. They plan on doing some slideshow presentations, my term plans, I mean, so I’d have to just sit there and pretend how very interested in everything I am, while anything I could be interested with at least theoretically is visual. πŸ˜€ I’ve also heard there will be some meeting, with coffee and cake and stuff… ughhhh! my “dream” will come true. I just absolutely LOVE eating in such official situations. I don’t even feel like I know these people well enough, I’ve been learning at home for two years, and during my first year at this school, I just felt like I’m invisible, ’cause hardly anyone besides some more sensible teachers and one guy in my class talked to me just because they wanted, the rest did it only when they really had to or didn’t do it at all. I’m curious though what they will be talking about. About school? πŸ˜€ Because usually when I heard any conversations they had, they were about school and stuff we need to do for school, which is normal, because what can a group of completely different people with their own adult lives talk about when they’re at school? My Mum is also very happy at the prospect of it and feels this situation in a similar way, at least that was what she told me. She likes socialising in general, but she also doesn’t know these people and she says she thinks it’ll be incredibly stiff to just sit there and sip coffee with all the students and teachers. In my opinion, drinking coffee together is something rather… hmm, maybe not intimate, but… I’d say reserved for our friends and close ones, just those we trust and feel comfortable with, right? Yeah… I’m glad you agree with me. πŸ˜€ So let’s have some more coffee, shall we? Anyway, I really hope we won’t have to go through all that socialising shit just because the school year is finally over and I can be free.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m quite worried about my Mum lately. A few weeks ago I was mentioning she had gastroscopy and colonoscopy and how it scared me, yeah, even thinking of gastroscopy makes me feel like a jelly lol, and this week she got the results. And they say she most likely has coeliac disease. Well that’s surely better than cancer, or some other things that were coming to our minds, but still, it’s a serious thing. And it would make a lot of sense because she has anemia all the time and nothing in the world seems to be able to change it. They say she needs to do some other more speciffic tests for coeliac disease, I’d be so relieved if they would be negative.

So, because I’m so damn nosy, let me ask you again, how are you doing this week? How’s your weekend going? What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

Hope you enjoyed your coffee and the coffee share. :*

https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/04/20/weekendcoffeeshare-surgery-recovery-take-2/

If we were having coffee… #weekendcoffeeshare. *long post*

If we were having coffee… wow! that’s such a cool prospect. I’d love to have a coffee with you, my lovely readers. So make yourself comfortable, grab a cuppa, or a mug, of coffee, or whatever you like to drink, and maybe even something to eat. I am having a glass of Jack Daniels with Pepsi and ice which I am sipping for about an hour now and chilli crisps. My family is out, so I thought I’d make use of it and invite you all, he he, they won’t be in until at least midnight…

If we were having coffee here in this timezone, I guess we would arrange it at a different time, I don’t think it’s popular anywhere to drink coffee at 09:08 PM. πŸ˜€ Although drinking coffee doesn’t affect me much in terms of energy, I know it does affect many people, so if you’d rather like some tea, or orange juice, or Pepsi, or whisky, or maybe even kefir, feel free and I’ll pour you. We also have a lot of yummy things to eat, my Mum was grocery shopping in the morning. She left me quite a lot of food, she’s always so worried about me when she goes anywhere for a longer time. She made me a lot of sandwiches, a salad, a mug of raspberry tea, and left me these crisps I mentioned as well as lemon ice tea and hazelnuts in chocolate and I guess she assumes I will eat it all. πŸ˜€ It’s rather impossible, so you have to help me.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m very anxious lately. I mean, I am living with anxiety on a daily basis, so it’s like not a big news for anyone who knows me well, but it’s going worse lately. Today is pretty good in comparison to, say recent three weeks, but overall it’s very crappy and it affects me in many ways. My final exams are coming very soon. The first one I’ll have on 4th May. And now I am going through term session, which isn’t as much stressful as the finals, but still. I’ll have Maths exam on Wednesday. I’ll be also passing maths on the finals, which scares the shit out of me the most, because that’s the thing I am completely clueless about, despite my tutor coming to me usually twice a week and draining my brain. Actually, I even wanted to get a certifficate that I am dyscalculic, but although the woman who evaluated me for it said I theoretically match some of the criteria, for some reason blind people can’t be diagnosed with dyscalculia. That’s so weird and I completely don’t understand why. Actually I think it should be otherwise, because I think many blind people may have much more complex issues with such subjects like math or physics, because lots of things are hard to get when you can’t see. I must admit I am trying to accept that it’s pretty likely that I won’t pass this exam. I just feel so clueless about it that I feel like I’d have to experience some massive enlightenment to pass it, and you need “just” 30% correct to pass it. I don’t know whether it is my anxiety and defensive pessimism talking or whether it’s my intuition, but I really feel that as much as I may succeed with other subjects, I will completely fail with this one. My tutor seems also a bit skeptical, well she’d never tell me this, but she seems like… a bit hopeless. πŸ˜€ It won’t be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I won’t pass it though, apart from my pride being a bit smashed and probably the exam being hard to get through and extremely anxiety provoking. I am not a perfectionist about school and I know that even if I’d pass it with 90% I’d still be as clueless as for what to do with my life as I am now, so it won’t change much. I probably wouldn’t be studying further either way, unless online, as my anxiety and mobility/orientation won’t let me. On the other hand though, if I want to develop, I might do it as well without having these exams passed, I still can learn without graduating anything, I can still learn new languages, read books and maybe even go through some courses. I can still work with my languages. My Swedish teacher put it very well. I always thought that if I’d want to work with my languages, translate Vreeswijk’s (my crush and favourite Swedish artist) poems to Polish, I’d need to be a major in linguistics and Swedish and translation and who knows what else, maybe even in Polish, and if I’d like to work in whichever way with my languages, I’d need some certifficates and other crap. And he told me something I never thought about before. If I know a language, how can someone tell me that I don’t know it? How much more will a piece of paper say about my language abilities than I could say myself? And that’s so simple and so true. He was generally so simple and true while still being wise, well I suppose he still is, but he just doesn’t teach me anymore. He said he gives up after he saw my translations of Vreeswijk’s “Vaggvisa” (Lullaby). πŸ˜€ He claimed I’d better start to teach others than still learn myself and acted like I did something very unusual. πŸ˜€ But I wouldn’t like to be a teacher. Going back to the exams, since I just feel it deep down I won’t do it well, I even wanted to give up and not take them at all, but I thought tat if I went this far in this school I am now, I should do it because it would be pointless to stop it now. And I would maybe regret it later. ‘Cause who knows, maybe it will go well. But I decided that if it won’t, I won’t redo the Math exam, evenif my family would want it, or my tutor or the committee would persuade me.

The following paragraph talks about stuff regarding religion, spirituality, Christianity, Catholicism, evil spirit and spiritual dangers from the Christian point of view. I suppose it may be triggering for some, hence I’m forewarning.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you my gramma travelled for a sort of pilgrimage to some Christian community and is praying for me today with these people. My gramma is a really religious person, but not in the way so many elderly ladies are – kind of devotee – she was always very soulful and devout and has even graduated in theology or something like this, it interests her deeply. I’ve been having sleep paralysis almost my entire life and recently it got worse, probably because of worsened anxiety and my sleep routine being rubbish, and I was talking to my Mum a lot about it. I wouldn’t think she’d be so much concerned about it, but she was very concerned and talked with gramma about it. I weren’t glad of it to be honest, I don’t like when my issues are discussed like this, but I know their intentions were and are good. And my gramma got concerned too. You know, it’s hard to describe for me what I experience during sleep paralysis, it’s just scary and that’s pretty much all I can say, but for people who have never experienced it must have think it’s even more scary, I guess, ’cause it sounds scary overall, so I guess that’s why they were so concerned. But my gramma thought it can be something more spiritual than physical. It’s because, before I really became Christian and stopped pretending I am atheist or agnostic or Wiccan or whatever else I was doing some things considered as spiritually dangerous, or immoral, , by Christian religion. I was a teenager then and wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing, I was just hurting and wanted some escape, was feeling very rebellious. I was at the boarding school lead by nuns and although my own family was very religious and practicing, all the things related to religion, I associated with the school, and in my school it all was pretty artificial. And I didn’t want to be like them. I desperately wanted to be different, even though I already was. I experienced LD (lucid dreams), OOBE (out of body experiences), used Doses (those sounds that interfer with our brain waves and work like drugs and are said to be non addictive, but mess up with our brain), I was listening to very overwhelming, kinda dark music, which made me even more depressed. I mean, I still often listen to some Gothic music if it isn’t against my views, but that was just so heavy and depressing, some of it even satanic, but I got to know about it later on and had no idea what it really is. And I had friends who did other, more serious things. It was a short period of time and then it luckily happened that some people and things helped me to find the Road I should follow again and I am so grateful for all that to happen. Then I got out of that school and was able to close that dark chapter in my life completely. I did all I could to not let that evil I once let in my life to come back again. Also, when I was like a baby, my Mum was very desperate and, like most parents of disabled children at the beginning, couldn’t accept the fact that I can’t see. And so she was looking for some hope everywhere. From doctors, to quakes, to alternative medicine specialists, to other healers like bioenergotherapists. Bioenergotherapy is something completely against Christian views and beliefs, but – as so many people – she wasn’t aware back then how much damage it could possibly make to me, her, and our family, in the spiritual sense. And my gramma, who then read some things about sleep paralysis – that you can have kind of dark and overwhelming dreams etc. etc. etc. she started to think they are consequences of all those things and are something of more spiritual nature. Although I was feeling the consequences of all these things I did as a teenager for some time afterwards, I really don’t think sleep paralysis could be one of them. I was working really hard to close all that shit and leave behind, my Mum also changed pretty much with time, we both decided to have general confession of our whole lives, seeked for help in this field, even decided to attend some exorcisms just in case, you know, no one conscious would like to carry this shit all the time if you can get rid of it. And since a few years, I must tell you I feel like I am spiritually healed and free. So, although I don’t want to exclude my Gramma’s theory completely, ’cause, you know, everything is possible in this world and she is surely wiser and more experienced than I am, I must say I highly doubt it to be true. But, anyway, I appreciate her being so caring and praying for me with all these people she’s with. If this is the reason of this crap haunting me as long as I can remember, I’ll be eternally grateful.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I had a History exam on Monday and passed it. It was one of my term exams. I didn’t have doubts as for whether I’ll pass it or not, our school exams are stressful, but ridiculously easy to pass. I am really more and more convinced that my History teacher is more sociophobic than I am. He actually annoys me so much. He acts like he’s deadly afraid of me. Like my optic nerve hypoplasia was contagious or something. It’s really annoying and making contact so much more difficult. When he talks to me, he seems so so frightened, like he’d expect me to do something horrible, like snap at him suddenly or something. Now I am learning at home and coming to school only for exams, but two years ago, as I started at this school, I made an attempt to go to school as normal people. I had a classmate who was very helpful for me and was kinda my assistant and guide and the only one person in my class who didn’t act like I’m not there. And he also noticed how freaked out this guy is interacting with me. And he (my classmate) had a lot of laugh about it and one day he proposed me to make use of it. As he said, not many students have this privilege that a teacher is so scared of them, it gave me a certain power over him in his opinion. And he told me I should do something unpredictable on his lesson. Like start to scream and laugh like crazy out of the blue for no reason. πŸ˜€ I was a bit hesitant, but decided to give it a go! Yeah. And my classmate was thrilled. He said he was sure the teacher won’t get over it and he wanted to bet that he’ll pee in front of the class or do anything else like that. That seemed a bit scary and unlikely for me, so OK, I agreed to make a bet. We decided the one who will win will get the other a pizza. So we picked a date and were thrilled and couldn’t wait, I was also a bit anxious because I’ve never did such dramas before, at least not in public. πŸ˜€ But as that day was approaching, I was more and more worried. What if he’d really pee in front of the class? That would be real scary, wouldn’t it? So finally I told my friend I won’t do it of ity for him, he’s scared enough without it and it would be soo bitchy of me to do it. He was quite disappointed. Lol people doing such things to their teacher at a school for adults. πŸ˜€ My classmate was about 40. πŸ˜€ But still I wonder sometimes, what if I’d do it. πŸ˜€ Maybe he’d stop treating me like the air. Not that I care about what he thinks about me, but it would really help with communication and my learning if he treated me like a human being and not like I’m completely invisible. So I came in for the exam and immediately felt less anxious, because I sensed how stressed and stiff he is. You know he asked me when WW II started? I was kinda confused, like, wow, I was learning so much and you are asking me such a foolish question. πŸ˜€ It wasn’t the only one and I had some harder ones too, but anyway, it surprised me, did he really think I could not know such more than basic stuff? πŸ˜€ I got 5 from this exam. I guess 5 is something between A and B for English-speaking countries. If A is a mark you get for some excellent achievements, then 5 is B, it is very good, but not more than you should know. SO glad that another exam is over.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

Hope you had some nice time here and you liked your coffee and that I didn’t bore you too much.

#WeekendCoffeeShare

Buy me a coffee

Hi! πŸ™‚

Recently I’ve been seeing quite a few people having “Buy Me A Coffee” buttons on their blogs or talking about buying coffee for bloggers and I was interested what’s it all about, and so I found out about ko-fi.com.

I started my own page on there and I have a big big ask for you guys. I’d be extremely grateful if you could get me a coffee or two. πŸ™‚

Currently I’m saving for a new Braille-Sense (you know, that thing I’m reading/writing/doing other things with), as my current one is suffering for very long (10 years or so) and desperately needs retirement, plus is also a little bit outdated. The new one I’d like to get is about 96000 dollars, (!!!) so either way I’d need some funding from my local organisations, but your coffees could help me reach my goal a little bit faster.

I’ll be applying for some funding in August, and if all goes well and I’ll be able to get this new Braille-Sense, I’d use your coffees for my linguistic needs – like paying for my courses, buying books and other resources, don’t know what other future challenges in this field might be – or for other specialised (or not) techy stuff to help me deal with various aspects of life with blindness, or some stuff to help me with mental health struggles in various ways.

So if you like what I write, or relate to it, or anything, and can and want to help me achieve my goals, your coffees would be much appreciated. πŸ™‚

Buy me a coffee.

Also, I’ve made the image widget for my blog so you could easily navigate to the link anytime, but I’m not sure if it actually looks decent, so any feedback about that would be helpful as well.

Thanks in advance for your kindness, guys. πŸ™‚