Suspicious.

My Dad is very suspicious

by nature. So suspicious that I often even call him paranoid. He was suspicious as long as I can remember, always thinking that all people around are cheating – on him, on us, on the whole world. Of course, especially media, politicians, health services, Mum, Internet… but in fact, more or less, everyone. He has always had a very hard relationship with Olek – my brother. I’m sure he loves him, but he always treats him like kinda black sheep and whatever he would do is automatically perceived as absolutely wrong. It was always a significant issue and a reason to worry for my Mum.

My Dad isn’t a man you could have a really deep discussion with, as much as I love him I have to admit he has his views, prejudices and so on so any deeper conversations usually won’t make much sense or even may cause an arguement. But even though sometimes it happens that we talk about more deep stuff, as he likes to talk to me. And sometimes I talk to him about what I’ve read in a speciffic topic we are chatting about. And then he is usually like: “Why do you think they are right? Maybe they just want to manipulate people. Maybe they have paid to write this and not anything else?.” And such thinking makes me feel helpless. I mean – sure, there are lots of manipulative people, manipulative strategies in media, some form of manipulation is probably almost everywhere, not necessarily to make us any harm, but if just everyone is manipulative, what should we believe in? Or why actually should we believe in anything? Why does he believe in God? Maybe it’s just one big cheating? You know, I’m not assuming it is indeed, I am Christian as well, but, thinking the way he does… everything looks so pointless, doesn’t it? Just think, everybody is a total cheater, there’s no one to trust in the world, you have only yourself, well, I wouldn’t even be so sure if he actually trusts even himself. It looks so depressive. And thinking about it, about what my Dad’s reality looks like, makes me depressive, even if it’s not really my reality. I am sorry for him that he chose to live in such an unsatisfying way. But I can’t change it. It is only he who could change it and although he’s grumping so often, he doesn’t seem to really want it.

I am also a pessimist although I think my pessimism is more of a defensive kind, you know, I prefer to be ready for the worst even if everything looks like it’s going to be all good, but that’s how different life circumstances made me and I like to think about myself I still have have the ability to be happy and appreciate even pretty small things and I don’t really like to complain in front of other people, I just find it pretty weakish, anyway when I do so. But my Dad’s pessimism, for me, seems to be only all about grumping, complaining about others, about other people’s dogs peeing where they shouldn’t, not doing anything constructive with his life and thinking almost only about bad things that are happening to him. What frustrates me, he never seems to be really glad of anything, or, more exactly, I suppose he must have some moments when he’s at least a bit happy, but he can’t show it and it really can piss off people around him if they try and do their best to make him happy or at least to make him appreciate what we do for him. Personally I feel like he always kinda favoured me the most in comparison to my siblings, so I didn’t feel it that much directly, but I’ve observed my Mum and my siblings who haveย  tried a lot to satisfy him and no one and nothing seem to be good enough which makes them discouraged, and me frustrated for them. Now as he is getting older, although he still isn’t old, all these traits seem to deepen, and he doesn’t even see it. I really do love my Dad and with years I’ve learnt how to act with him, but he’s going more and more annoying and challenging for us. As my Mum put it recently while talking with me – he wants to be mentally old. He is in quite good condition physically, but mentally gets old extremely quickly. He’s not even yet in his fifties, but looking only at his personality traits, I doubt anyone could guess it.

But what exactly did I want to say in this post? No, its main purpose isn’t complaining at my Dad, not even letting out my emotions related to him and his difficult and challenging way of being.

What sometimes concerns me, when I think about him, about what he’s like, is that although I think I can’t say I’m grumpy or really overly demanding for people, I see a lot of his traits in myself. actually more than in my siblings. I think, characterwise I am more similar to him than to my Mum, whereas my siblings are rather more similar to her. She says so too. And although of course he has also a lot of good traits, sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid because as far as I can remember I had issues with trusting people, not as he has, but rather in the way I’m always pretty distant to people, even those I want to be close to. I have always had the tendency to be depressive, to overthink, to feel hopeless. I am often very stressed out about small things and always very unsettled by any major changes in life, no matter if good or bad. I am slightly obsessed about my privacy. And I often feel ridiculously suspicious about people in some situations, which can be really mentally exhausting. I know that lots of situations in my life, often very early on, helped my to develop all that and it’s not only the case of just genes or the thing that I wanted to be like this, and my suspiciousness differs from his, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that someday, when I’ll be let’s say the age he’s now, I’ll realise that I am like him. Overly suspicious, cautious and not letting people to like me. That my life will be as hopeless and empty as his is, or seems to be for me. That I will clinge to my stupid daily routines like he does now in fear of just any changes. Luckily I don’t have such temper as he has so I think having such impressional tantrums won’t be my domain. ๐Ÿ˜€ It is Zofijka’s. ๐Ÿ˜› and actually I always try to avoid this thought because I really don’t like to think about it and I feel like it’s a bit ridiculous to be afraid about such odd things which could only happen in very distant future, , but I can’t help I’m afraid about it. isn’t it a total paranoia to be paranoid about being paranoid in thirty years? ๐Ÿ˜€

 

Share Your World February 12th 2018.

Are you a practical jokester?
Not really, but was a bit more when I was a teen.

Who cuts your hair? You, a friend, or professional.
Usuallly I go to the hairdresser, but if it’s just a fringe or something like this, my Mum does it for me.

Did you have a stuffed animal when you were a kid, if so what kind?
Oh yes I had. I had my poor, long suffering teddy bear which I loved and still owe a big debt of gratitude to him for what a big support he was for me when I was a kid. His name was Pimpuล› and I always slept with him when was at home. I never took him to the boarding school with me, I remember I didn’t want him to smell like it, so he was always waiting on my bed at home for me. When I was at nursery I missed him terribly, then a bit less and I wasn’t so attached to him, but I slept with him for a really long time like even when I was a teen. Now he’s retired and after several tail surgeries and other kinds of “medical” interventions, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for him even though now Misha replaced him. I also had many more teddies, and a few dolls, but I wasn’t even half so much attached to them as to Pimpuล›.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, obviously, I think it’s needless to mention. Besides it was the second and last week of my winter break, it was absolutely cool, I needed some chill out and just not doing nothing for a while. Also I finally got the confirmation that I can take my final exam, which is needed to finish my current educational stage, in other school than I am learning in. That school is for the blind so they will be able to adjust everything to me much more easily than my school would be. If I’d have to pass it over here, it could be problematic for everyone, I think. It was a Welsh Language Music Day on Friday and dI celebrated it discovering a lot of new and old, but new for me, Welsh language music. And discovering new music I like, or in languages I like, is always a great pleasure for me. On Saturday my Mum made a great toffi cake, because my Dad had his name day. It was so yummmmmmy, so it’s definitely worth noting.

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/02/12/share-your-world-february-12-2018/

Some random survey for you and me.

I’ve found some random get to know me kind of questions on the web and thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to share them with all of you, my readers, so that we could answer them and you could get to know me more and I could get to know you.
So if you like this idea, please give me your answers in the comments, or if you prefer you can pingback. Keep your answers as short or long as you want, as there’s nothing that could be too long in terms of writing and I myself always like to hear about other people, their likes, dislikes etc. 1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?
I often feel like I am much more creative at night if I don’t sleep, and beautiful things seem to move me more, so I think it be something creative, like writing. I am sure I would read loads of books and other interesting things and would dedicate this time for discovering as many beautiful things in the world as possible. 2. What would your perfect bedroom look like?
Mm, my current one is great, very cosy and pleasant and very much like me. What’s sure, I would ask my Mum to make it beautiful, I find my Mum an expert in interior design and everything house related. I would like my bedroom to be classy, cosy, rather not too modern, I would like to keep my current bed which is definitely too big for one person, but very comfy and I am very happy I don’t need to share it with anyone. I would like to have a place for all my gem stones and stone figurines, have some flowers and I would like it to be in harmony with my personality. as for colours I wouldn’t like to have anything red and I’d prefer colours like black, white, grey, blue and green. My current bedroom is dominated by green and I like that. 3. What fictional place would you most like to go?
Avalon, Valhalla or Asgard.
4. When was the last time you went for a walk?
On Wednesday, we went with my Mum for a long walk almost across our whole town. Now I don’t think it will be very soon I’ll go out for a longer walk because of my current issues with the leg. 5. What songs have you completely memorised?
When I get a musical crush, and I am always having some musical crush since 2009, I tend to listen to his/her music over and over and over and over again, with some breaks, but still very frequently, so I can memorise a lot of their music. I know Enya’s “Evacuee” and “Exile” by heart, some songs by Cornelis Vreeswijk, especially those that i’ve translated or tried to translate into Polish, I knew a lot of Declan Galbraith’s songs quite well, but now I forgot a lot of it. It’s different with Gwilym now, my current crush, because I am still not very efficient in Welsh language so it’s hard for me to memorise songs if I don’t put a conscious effort into it. However before I started my Welsh course, I tried different methods of learning vocab and my Swedish teacher recommended me to memorise a lot of songs, poems and everything rhyming or that is easy to remember. So I know quite a few traditional Welsh songs like “Calon Lรขn”, “Gwydr Glas”, “Lisa Lรขn” or “Arhyd Y Nos” etc. Oh and some Zofijka’s stupid songs she plays over and over so everyone at home knows them and there are things ranging from One Direction to kids songs to disco polo. 6. What are some small things that make your day better?
Misha (oops, I think he wouldn’t be happy if he saw I called him a “small thing”, but oh well, he’s not here, anyway, Misha’s affection and all he does for me, just his presence), beautiful things, like if I hear some beautiful words in any of my languages that I’ve never heard before, great music, an interesting book, a good laugh with Zofijka, delicious food, and so on and so on. A lot of things really. 7. How often do you people watch?
Honestly? All the time. You may think it’s hard or impossible if you’re blind, but I love to observe people’s behaviours, personalities, reactions, emotions, what they do and how they talk and about what. Just of curiosity. I like to imagine different things about them. My Mum and Zofijka are the same, just total, compulsive people watchers, but about looks. They will tell you all the details about a person they’ve seen even if it was just for a while – how she was dressed, how she walked, how she looked at people, etc. etc. It’s a bit like addiction. Sometimes it annoys me I pay so much attention to other people especially if things they do are in any way annoying for me. 8. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?
Hm, not sure. I like to have opinions about many things, but once I form them, I always internalise them and think about them a lot, so I get used to having them quickly, but although I don’t remember now any of my recent opinions, I’m sure I formed at least one new recently. 9. What is the most annoying question people ask you?
As much as I like to educate people about my blindness and answer their constructive questions about it, it always annoys me when people ask about things that are completely unrelated to my blindness, but people think that because I am blind, I can’t do them. For instance people ask me horribly often how can I have dreams if I can’t see. Where do you have a connection between dreams and sight? I don’t believe sighted people’s dreams are only visual and all the other senses are completely not involved. The absolute hit was when I was on a pilgrimage with my family and one elderly lady asked my gramma with total amazement: “How does she walk if she can’t see?”. ๐Ÿ˜€ Also, some members of my Dad’s family annoy me greatly asking me every time they see me (so once a month or more often) how many languages do I speak already. ๐Ÿ˜€ I don’t know if they really think I am such a genius that I can learn a language in a month or if it is ironic or something. But most probably they just feel obliged to talk to me and confused about what to talk about, as we don’t have much in common. 10. What is the best thing that happened to you this week?
That I finally got a confirmation that I can pass my final exam in a school for the blind, not in the school I’m at right now. It will be much easier, because my school isn’t really adjusted for the blind and it would be very hard for me (and for them) technically to take the exams here. The exam stress alone is definitely enough. 11. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn?
Ooooh quite a few. Most of them I’m still unlearning. Bitting my nails and lips, suppressing emotions, self harming when I’m very emotional, panicky avoiding anxiety provoking situations or things, thinking in Polish while speaking/writing in another language, judging people too quickly sometimes just because I have a good instinct and can “feel” them easily. 12. What takes up too much of your time?
Overthinking.
13. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?
Literature and music. I’ve had a friend who was a great sculpturer and he introduced the world of sculpture a little bit to me and I like to look at some beautiful sculptures, but I don’t feel like I know much about that and like I can really appreciate it. 14. What dumb accomplishment are you most proud of?
Dumb accomplishment? I assume it is the kind of accomplishment that isn’t very big and seems easy, but still is an accomplishment? If so… hm, let’s think. Managing Misha’s food, so that I can feed him on my own even if no one else is around. 15. What stereotype do you completely live up to?
I guess there can be many of such stereotypes. It’s hard to think about one in particular though… Well I am half Kashubian (it is an ethnic minority living here in the north of Poland in case you didn’t know) and although I don’t feel very much of a Kashubian myself and am not close to their culture, they say Kashubians are phlegmatic and at least a half of me is surely phlegmatic too. I think I may fit some stereotypes about the blind people too, but not that many. 16. What’s something horrible that everyone should try, at least once?
Fall from the horse. Definitely unforgettable experience. And not that scary after all, at least if you have someone to catch you or you are in the forest or anywhere where the ground is possibly soft and safe, brain concussion is definitely not worthy experiencing. 17. Do you have any scars, or birthmarks?
Unfortunately birthmarks are common thing in my family and as I have a very white complexion I have them quite a few, luckily they are rather small, but I would remove all of them most willingly. I have some scars after self harming mainly in boarding school, but since I didn’t want anyone to see, you wouldn’t see them at a first or even third glance, I think, or at least most of them. I had achilles tendons surgery and I have little scars after it and two scars on my calves after skin infections I had that were very hard to heal. 18. What is the last thing you created that you are proud of?
I am working on translating another Vreeswijk’s poem into Polish. If I’ll succeed and if it will really be a good translation, not a parody, I’ll be extremely proud. I am always so hyper every time I translate something by Vreeswijk. I’d love to translate his poems into Polish and show them to people. I don’t know if this makes sense because some people say only Swedes can get him fully as he wrote in Sweden and in Swedish, but I feel like I need to try for some reason, after all he was Dutch, not Swedish, so I am sure his poetry can be more accessible. 19. What is the most immature thing that you do?
The same as I’ve always had a tendency to act more mature that I was, I’ve always had some pretty immature habits or behaviours, so it’s hard to pick something that’s “the most”. I can laugh at very silly things with Zofijka, like toilet humour or very primitive word games or what other people do or say that we find funny, we play very silly games, everyday when we play with Zofijka we pretend Misha can talk and I talk for him, I still bit my nails sometimes, it’s often hard for me to be responsible for many things, I definitely hate changes, which many kids also do I think, especially that my hatred for changes can be really big sometimes, I can make laugh of pretty much anything, of course there are things I am serious about because they matter a lot to me or things like values etc. but it is never hard for me to find something funny about things or be sarcastic about serious things, sometimes it happens a bit involuntarily, that I have quite odd, sarcastic thoughts about things that I think I definitely should stay serious about.
20. What incredibly strong opinion or belief do you have that is completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things?
Nothing comes to mind right now, but I am more than sure I might have a few such opinions.
OK, that’s all from me. I can’t wait to see your answers. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope you enjoy it.

Share Your World – February 5, 2018.

What would be your ideal fantasy way to spend Monday?
There could be a few ways, I think. But what first came to my mind is, I’d love to go for a second time to Stockholm with my family, even just for a Monday. I’ve been there once and I had absolutely fabulous time.

What one person that you are out of contact with would you like to say thank you to?
That’s gonna be a little bit lengthy story, but I want it to make sense for you guys. My aunt. Well, she isn’t my actual biological aunt, but I’ve always called her so. When I was at the boarding school, in the first few years my Mum was desperately seeking a place nearby the school to live, just temporarily, so that we could live together and this lady, who later became my aunt, was running properties agency (or however it’s called in English, she was selling properties anyway), so my Mum called her and talked to her about the situation. She was very compassionate and incredibly empathetic and said that although it doesn’t seem possible as for now to find my Mum somewhere close to live, maybe she could help in other way. And she literally offered me to be my aunt. She lived just opposite the boarding school and she said we could visit each other and when my Mum would like to visit me, we can stay at hers, so we would have somewhere else to live than at the boarding school while she stays with me. And of course I agreed, although it seemed a bit strange to me at first, but very nice. And she was my aunt for about four years and whenever we were meeting, I remember I was feeling extremely happy and we were always doing something fun, which all was so different from my everyday existence. But then she moved to her daughter to the nearby city and we’ve lost contact gradually, as some other circumstances also appeared. So yeah, I would love to be able to thank her, but now I don’t know if she is even still living, as even then when we were in regular contact she was already an elderly person and had a whole lot of health issues.

List your favorite toys or games as a kid?
I had strange preferences as a kid. I liked to play with glass balls, or iron balls (you know, from wheel bearings), different things in my Dad’s garrage or other things like that, that you wouldn’t actually think a kid might find interesting to play with, seashells, stones, my Mum’s jewellery, figurines, so on… I still have a big box of my childhood toys, which literally are just all sorts of things you wouldn’t expect to be toys. ๐Ÿ˜€ As for games, as a little kid I didn’t play that much with other kids or when I played it usually wasn’t really something I genuinely enjoyed, but when my sis was born and grew a little bit, we started to invent a lot of our own games, of which we have a lot now, but I think I won’t go into details, because I’d have to describe them to you entirely as they’re just our own and it would took quite a long time. ๐Ÿ˜€

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

A lot of things. It was the first week of winter break, which I really appreciated. Traditionally, my little Misha brought me a lot of joy and happiness, along with things like music, books I’ve read etc. I am also very happy about the gifts I got from my closest family members for my birthday, I got a cat made of onyx, a pillow which looks like a cat, a salt lamp and of course, Toffifee! ๐Ÿ˜€ It felt so nice that my parents and siblings know so well what I like and enjoy. And I am extremely happy with how my Welsh language skills have developed last week. Writing and blogging were also huge pleasures for me.

Share Your World – February 5, 2018

First day of winter holidays.

Yes, today in our voivodeship (voivodeship is something like a Polish province or county) winter holidays are starting. However it didn’t have a big impact on neither me nor my family this year.

I am still in education, it is a part time school for adults, something close to college and high school in English-speaking countries, but more like high school, because the subjects are more general and in normal situation, 16-19-year-olds are attending to this kind of school. But because of my blindness and the fact that my school is just a mainstream school and not really prepared for having blind students, as well as because of my mental difficulties, it’s easier and just better for me to learn on my own and so I do. My teachers just send me the syllabus every term and I usually go to school only for exams and send them my control assignments by email.

So actually I don’t feel that much that there are holidays now, but I am happy, extremely happy, because my exam session is over and I can slow down for a while before I’ll again start to prepare to my final exam, which is called matura over here. It was a really intense term and I felt pretty drained after all the exams.

My younger siblings didn’t feel it either. My 17-year-old brother (olek) is working either way and my 10-year-old sis Zofijka is ill since last week so doesn’t go to school at all.

Zofijka seems to be very unlucky this year. Despite she is a very fit kid, plays different sports and is just so extremely active, she is ill for the fourth time since autumn. So it’s a bit concerning, but now my Mum is keeping her home and is very strict as for this, she can’t go out just ANYWHERE. This is a tragedy for such a lively and easy-bored kid, as you can imagine.

My day today went really nice. The main thing I focused on today was this blog. Well, actually I was focusing on it for the last few days, desperately trying to set it up so that now I can’t believe I finally did it. ๐Ÿ˜€ Really really thrilled.

I woke up today very early because of my cat Misha. I am often very anxious at night so if it is only possible and if Misha agrees on it, I sleep with him in my room. He has his own bed, which is a basket, standing on my bed, so that I can cuddle with him at night if we want and if I need to. He also has plenty of toys and hideouts allover my room, so that I actually should say it’s “our room” not mine. So every morning when Misha wakes up he meows at me to let him out if he’s hungry or wants to see what’s up downstairs. Normally he isn’t a very cuddly creature, but today when he stood at the door meowing and I came to him, he let me snuggle him for quite a while and seemed really content.

Every day I spend quite a lot of time with Zofijka, despite quite a big age difference between us we have a rather strong relationship and she likes to play with me or talk about things that matter to her. With some topics, she is even more open with me than with Mum, so she talks to me practically about everyting that she has on her mind. We played a very funny game called “7 Seconds” on Zofijka’s smartphone. Basically in this game every participant gets a random task to do in 7 seconds, sometimes things you have to do are really funny. If you succeed, you get a point. What made us rolling on the floor today was one of Zofijka’s tasks. She had to open the window and shoutt: “Someone, catch me, I’m jumping!”. ๐Ÿ˜€ Luckily no one was on the street. But she didn’t scream very loud so I hope she wasn’t heard by many people.

Besides playing with Zofijka, cuddling with Misha and setting up my blog, I also went with my Dad to the church, because today is my grandad’s 14th death anniversary.

Right now I am sitting in my room, listening to music and drinking raspberry tea. Some time ago I got to know that my aunt will have a cat of the same breed as Misha is and from the same breeding. My Mum just went with her to pick him up. I’m curious what he’ll be like and whether he’ll be much like Misha or not. But probably it will be some time until I’ll be able to see him.

OK, that’s all from me for today. How is your day going? Did anything nice happen to you?

First post.

Hi hi people! ๐Ÿ™‚

So thrilled and happy that I finally have this blog. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’d like to once again give a very warm welcome to all my readers. Since I wrote quite a lot about myself in the about me page, I think I won’t do it now again.

This first post is just to wish you a very nice time here in My Inner MishMash. I hope you’ll enjoy being here as much as I’m enjoying now.