Happy New Year to all the peeps. Plus the new My Inner Mishmash playlist.

   How’s your New Year’s Eve going? Or maybe it’s already 2023 where you are? In any case, if you’re celebrating anything in any way today, I hope you have lots of fun, and that the new year will treat you kindly, graciously, serenely and compassionately, and maybe sometimes a little mischievously but not maliciously. My Mum and me have a bit of a tradition going on that we always wish each other lots of new discoveries each year. Because what is life with no intriguing, fascinating and fun discoveries? Deep, bottomless rabbit holes to dig through (not the gloomy kind, no! The engrossing kind)? Obsessions to keep you awake at night and give you inspiration? I hope you’ll learn loads and loads and loads of new things and your brain will grow as a result (not literally, of course, I wouldn’t necessarily wish you megalencephaly). But yeah, I hope that this will be an interesting year for you, but not too turbulent or anything, unless you feel that you do need some radical change. 

   Misha wishes you a lot of peace, rest, good food and a comfy blanket to wrap yourself in when you’re blue, like he appears to be right now. I just got a huge blanket for him yesterday (well, for both of us really 😀 ), it’s a fleece blanket and as wide as my double bed, so finally he can stretch himself out here to his limits and roll around and still feel the blanket underneath. Previously I only had a piece of sheep skin for him, and a synthetic blanket, but he seems to enjoy that one a lot more and has made himself a little, tight cocoon so that I even wonder how he can breathe, and he sleeps like a little baby in there and sometimes lets out a quiet, shaky sigh. But he also seemed sad in the morning and made very sad, mournful sounds so perhaps he’s sleeping this blues off. 

   Traditionally, I’m including a Spotify playlist with all the songs (that are on Spotify) featured in the song of the series this year, and you can look up other playlists on this page if you feel like it. 

Sharing my world after a LONG time.

   Oh boy! How long has it even been since I last participated in Share Your World? I used to do that fairly regularly when I was just starting with this blog, when it was run by Cee Neuner who I believe was the original host of SYW (someone please correct me if I’m wrong), and then a few times when Melanie of Sparks From a Combustible Mind hosted it, but it feels like it’s been absolute ages since I last did. 

   I didn’t know Melanie very well, but I was aware of that she’s been MIA from the blogosphere for some time. But it was only yesterday that I found out that she has sadly passed away. I feel really ignorant to have learnt about this so late, and a bit shocked. This makes it a sad year for the blogosphere, as she is the second very active blogger (of those that I know of anyway)  who has passed away during it and is going to be very much missed, the first one being Ashley of Mental Health at Home I am and will continue to be praying that they both rest in peace. 

   Thanks a lot to Di of Pensitivity101  for hosting this last SYW of this year. Here are Di’s questions and my answers to them: 

   1.   If you have been given a variety of gifts, do you have a clear out of older stuff to make room for it? 

   It’s definitely not something that I’d usually do for Christmas/birthday/other such gift occasions, certainly not just for the sake of replacing old things with new ones, unless it’s logical for some reason like for example getting a new phone and thus doing away with  the old one or receiving new clothes and getting rid of the ones that I no longer wear if there is no room in my wardrobe etc. 

2.  Do you overindulge with food for special occasions and then come to regret it with either weight gain, guilt or severe indigestion? 

   Not very often. Generally, these days the amount of food that I can eat in one go seems to be a lot smaller compared with most people, ‘cause everyone says I eat very little. But as I always say, at least that makes me low-maintenance. 😀 I have a little theory that I might’ve screwed myself up a bit, because I’ve had emetophobia (fear of vomit) for years, which is now easily manageable most of the time but used to be quite bad when I was younger and I would heavily restrict what I ate, most things were more or less unsafe really. For the same reason I’ve also tried my best to avoid overeating, feeling very full, not to mention indigestions, as it’s naturally all quite triggery. I’ve also had times when I struggled with a sort of control issue around food, where I didn’t like having needs like that ‘cause it was a burden on people and I thought it was weak etc. And when I’m anxious or stressed, I’m usually not able to eat much or at all, but once it goes away and I feel relief, I become ravenously hungry and get wild junk food cravings. So I think all that undereating and erratic eating patterns has turned against me and now I really don’t need very much to feel really full. Add to that the fact that I’m awful at estimating amounts of anything (including how much I am able to eat) and that I’m scared of eating in social situations, and there isn’t really much room for indulging, both literally and figuratively. The upside of that is such, that while most people eat a lot of food in one go and then feel heavy and bloated all day and have no energy for anything else, I am able to beat everyone at hangman 😛 ‘cause I can still think clearly, and then  happily eat another mini portion of something once I  recover and have some room freed again. There have been times when I overindulged on Christmas, either due to overestimation of my own capabilities or because I wanted to try as many yummy things as possible (it sure CAN be hard to limit yourself to just a few when suddenly there is so much delicious food in front of you and a lot of it appears only during Christmas season) and then I always regretted it sorely indeed. Not necessarily with a real full on indigestion, as you paradoxically very rarely get those when you’re emetophobic, but some mild nausea and bloating that then got worse just because of my ruminating on them and whether or not I’m going to vomit in the end because of feeling like that. 

3.  What is your favourite part for any celebration? 

   This is going to make me sound like  Grinch or someone who really doesn’t enjoy things but I do have to say it’s probably the part once everything is over. Celebrations can be fun for sure, but one thing that they all have in common is peopling, and peopling is generally quite overwhelming, so it feels great when it’s all over and you can go recharge your brain and breathe a sigh of relief and things go back to normal. 

4.   Are you looking forward to getting bargains in the January Sales?

Honestly I couldn’t care less. 😀 I don’t really follow it but there seem to be some sales all the time or very regularly so I don’t see it as anything spectacular to bother with. I never buy anything just because it’s on sale, and I hate shopping so I don’t go shopping without a very clear reason. 

   Gratitude: 

   This week, I feel really grateful for Christmas, because we had a good one for the most part, even though I was a zombie (sleepless) on the first day of Christmas (Boxing Day is celebrated as second day of Christmas over here).  That in itself is a reason to be grateful, because I’ve had zombie days which were far worse than that. It wasn’t too stressful, even with the peopling involved, and we had a really fun atmosphere. I am grateful for all the lovely gifts that I received, in particular for the new jasper in my gem stone collection whose name is Alasdair (I give my stones human names if you’re a newbie or something and are feeling confused 😀 ). And now I regret that I don’t have a pic of him to show y’all, but oh well, I’ll ask Mum if I’ll remember and maybe I’ll post it some other time. Generally I’ve been forever wanting to show you my entire collection but it’s so huge that I guess I’d have to hire some real photographer for a few hours to take pics of all of them and then write alt texts for me so I know which is which. 😀 Who would want to do all that for free! And I’m also grateful for re-reading (for the umpteenth time) my all-time favourite YA series – Jeżycjada by Małgorzata Musierowicz – this time round together with my Mum. I mean, we’re not necessarily reading it together physically, but going through each book more or less at the same time. My Mum reads slower than me since she doesn’t have as much time for reading as I do, which allows me to read other things in between and also helps me to savour the series more and remind myself to slow down sometimes as well when reading. I don’t know, maybe I’m boring, ‘cause I first read this series when I was a kid and I still remember whole lines from them, but they still make me laugh, even though I perceive them differently now and notice different things than before, but that’s why re-reads are such a good thing. 

I can’t believe.

   I am writing this post in memory of Ashley Leia whose family shared the above post on her blog and which I have just found out. I don’t even know what to say, because I feel utterly shocked and can’t think, but I really wanted to mention this on here because not only was she a great and very competent blogger in her niche of mental health, but also was a regular on My Inner MishMash and a two  times (that is every single time, so far) MIMRA winner.

   Ashley had been MIA for several weeks, which I had a very bad feeling about, so finally wrote to her a few days ago. Turns out I was way too late… 

   I can’t imagine what her family must be going through. 

   I hope you are at peace, Ashley… I miss you and will be praying for you a lot. 

Li’l announcement.

   Just wanted to let you know that Bibielz will be MIA for the next couple of days, not sure how long exactly, but most likely from tomorrow until Tuesday. My Dad’s on holiday from Monday, and he actually wanted to go to Sweden once again (didn’t realise he liked it so much the last time we were there). Except we’ll go to Warsaw rather than Sweden after all. It’s because Sofi’s going to have some model casting there. Last year when she was out shopping with Mum they were approached by a scout who says that Sofi has a potential for a model and gave her his business card. Mum didn’t feel for a long time like getting Sofi into that sort of thing, even though Sofi was all for it, and we were worried if it could be a scam. But the guy was called Jacek, so he gave me good vibes and  I looked him up and it seems to be a legit agency, but my Mum still wouldn’t want to hear about it. Only recently, almost a year later, she changed her mind for some reason and they contacted him and he said he’d be happy to see Sofi next week Tuesday at 2 PM, and that agency is in Warsaw. My Mum is still a bit of a chicken for driving such long-distance (it’s 4-5 hours from us), even though she rode there a lot back when I was at the boarding school because it’s near Warsaw, so since my Dad is on leave they decided it would just be a camper trip and meanwhile Sofi would have her casting. I’m curious how it goes for her. We’re also likely going to stop by some lake in Masuria which is an ever so popular region with my family, because it’s been roasting hot all over the country. 

   But you’ll probably be thrilled to hear that Bibielz aren’t so cruel as to leave my readers completely lonely, because Bibielz have scheduled posts for the next three days in both of the daily series (yay! 😀 ), so hopefully that’ll be enough until I’m back, and if not, perhaps I’ll be able to write something on the go but generally would rather not, because I only take my iPhone and Bluetooth keyboard with me and that’s not fun for writing longer or even medium things. 

   Until then, I hope y’all will be doing well, and lemme know if you’re also going for some trips or other stuff like that soon. 🙂 

A quick announcement about My Inner Mishmash Readership Award.

I’m just writing this very quick post to let you all know that, after a lot of thinking, and now also discussing it with my Mum, I decided that I won’t be sending out My Inner Mishmash Readership Award packages this year. My Mum helps me a lot with the whole process of preparing and organising MIMRAs, coming up with ideas for their contents, finding them, and in particular with sending them out, but because this year has been quite difficult for her health-wise due to yucky menopause and now also her episodic asthma flaring up, I feel it isn’t fair to pressure her with MIMRA on top of that, though I was really looking forward to this as I was in the two previous years and it feels sad that this year will be without MIMRAs, as I find making them very exciting even if there’s a fair bit of pressure involved and a lot of things to do. Unfortunately I am not able to do all about MIMRAs without my Mum’s help, and have no one else who could help me with this here , so this is how I feel it has to be at the moment. Hopefully MIMRAs will be back next year. 🙂

Question of the day.

What would twelve-year-old you never believe about you?

My answer:

Hmmm… I don’t think there’s anything all that unbelievable about my life. As a twelve-year-old, I had a lot of ideas and imaginings as for how it would look like, I had some potential plans but was never fully convinced that I’d actually want to do any of these things for real, was only considering that I might want to do so, for example to be a psychologist or a writer. Then on the other hand I’ve written here a few times about that weird dream or whatever it was that I once had when falling asleep about myself being an adult, standing in a huge kitchen full of children and not knowing what I’m supposed to do, either with myself or with them or anything really, which pictures how I generally felt about adulthood, as something I was scared of, didn’t really have a clue about or what I was going to do then, and it didn’t change by the time I was 12. I don’t think anything in my current life would surprise twelve-year-old me so much that I wouldn’t be able to believe it. Well, perhaps I could be surprised at the fact that I didn’t pass my finals, since people, especially my Mum, were always telling me that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to get to a university, and still, despite not doing that, I can live, and even have some sort of a job, even if it’s only thanks to my Dad. And my linguistic interests weren’t quite as clear yet when I was 12, I did know a bit of Swedish and I did enjoy English as a language, not as a school subject, but because at that time I was unable to continue my Swedish learning because of being at the boarding school and wasn’t able to resume it until leaving it, it was really difficult for me and if I wasn’t able to learn Swedish anymore, I preferred to forget about it as much as possible because thinking about it or even hearing it somewhere was really aggravating. So maybe twelve-year-old me would be surprised to know that I was eventually able to go back to my Swedish and can now use it, better or worse, and am also learning another language – Welsh – and planning to learn lots more. I guess it could be a little mind-blowing for me because, like I said, I didn’t have such aspirations back then at all. Oh yeah, and the fact that I blog in English, I think I’d be really surprised to know that, especially that at the age of 12 I didn’t blog yet at all and had very little idea about what a blog is, I only started blogging a year later.

You? 🙂

Reading Wrap-Up (January 4, 2021) #IMWAYR

And the first MIMRA is with its winner now!
I’m thrilled that Astrid received her readership award today, which she mentions in this post.
It’s her reading wrap-up post, so go check it out to find out what she’s been reading lately, and is planning to read next. Maybe you can find some books here that you’d also like to read. 🙂

New Year wishes, plus a little New Year something for all my readers.

At the end of this weird, and very difficult for many, year, I’d like to wish all of you a fun New Year’s Eve – regardless whether you’re doing something to celebrate it or not really. – If you are like my Sofi and really love celebrating occasions like New Year’s Eve, but aren’t able to do so the way you normally do, or perhaps at all, because of a lockdown or some other restrictions that are currently in place where you are, I hope you can still have a great time. Regardless of what this day is going to look like for you, hope it’ll be enjoyable and pleasant. 🙂

And of course me and Misha would both like to wish you a happier, better new year. May it be peaceful, regardless or how much or little you have been affected by various difficult things going on for people around the world this year, and may it bring something good, new and exciting into your lives. 🙂 May you all be healthy and have helpful, loving people around you who care about you, or even just one such person. 🙂 And if you’re a blogger, may it be a good year for the development of your blog and may all your blogging plans work out. Thank you for your presence in my little Mishmashy world this year. 🙂

And now for the other New Year “something”. 😀

I’ve got a spontaneous idea a few months ago that I’d like if all that song of the day archive that has grown on my blog over the last three years could be organised. If not for any other reason then at least just for myself so that I could have it all in one place rather than just scattered all around the blog. And some of you who perhaps like this series could benefit from it too. So I thought it would be fun to make some sort of a playlist with all that music. And now that I’ve got my iPhone, I finally learned how to make Spotify playlists quite effortlessly. 😀 Yes, I’ve been using Spotify for years with very little idea about how to make playlists. That’s because in the desktop app, using my screen reader, adding songs to playlists is quite cumbersome. On iPhone this is much easier.

And so, I’ve created playlists with all the music that I’ve shared in the song of the day series, obviously except for what is not available on Spotify, and thought I’d share with you in case this would be fun for someone. I’ll be sharing a new playlist at the end of each year, or the beginning of a new year, once it is completed.

Apologies for those who like the idea but don’t use Spotify, I do not use other streaming services so wasn’t able to create them elsewhere. Aside from this post, you can always find the playlists in the Blog Playlists page, which is where I’ll be adding a new one every year.

My Inner Mishmash 2018:

My Inner Mishmash 2019:

 

My Inner Mishmash 2020:

Additionally, I’ve made a HUGE playlist for myself which I thought I’d share with you too in case anyone would be interested in such a thing. It is very raw, very huge and very disorganised but who cares. I called it originally Bibiel’s Playlist For Sleep, although I don’t really use it for sleep as it’s too varied for that, but the title kinda stuck and I don’t have a better idea. It contains all the music created by my faza subjects (Enya, Declan Galbraith, Cornelis Vreeswijk, Gwilym Bowen Rhys and all the bands with which he collaborated) that I like (for example you won’t find Enya’s Orinoco Flow because this is the only song by her which I dislike), all the music that I like from artists that are somehow related to my faza subjects – like their family members, so there’s for example Clannad because I like most of their music and because they’re Enya’s family and she had collaborated with them for a while, or a Welsh band Y Trwynau Coch in which Gwilym’s dad was the vocalist – various covers/interpretations of their songs that I like, or even other versions of some traditional songs they have interpreted in other interpretations that I also like, plus lots and lots and lots of harp music, because harp is my favourite instrument, with particular emphasis on Celtic harp, but there’s also orchestral harp, or even autoharp or Finnish harp aka kantele, and also there is some music from people who are harpists but that doesn’t feature harp. So the criteria for something to get into this playlist are rather lax. It just has to have something to do either with my fazas, or harp and harpists/harpers, and I have to like it. At this point there are some things in there that I don’t like all that much because I was adding a lot of things collectively and haven’t yet sifted through all of that, but generally I love most of it. It has no specific order but it doesn’t have to have because I listen to it in shuffle mode anyway. It is still under construction and will probably always be. So if you’re interested in that sorta raw, wild mix of music, come along! 🙂

How I’ve been feeling lately.

Today, I’d like to write some a bit longer post inspired by a journaling prompt again, as I haven’t done that in a while. It probably won’t be too long or indepth, but I think it’ll be nice to do and also fill y’all in a bit on what’s going on for me. The prompt I chose to inspire myself with is from Listify by Marina Greenway and goes like this:

   Lately, I’ve been feeling… Your state of mind changes over time and through the seasons. Record how you are feeling right now. What is going through your mind? Are you responding emotionally to something that has happened earlier in the week? Are you anticipating your day in a positive or negative way? What does your general state of being feel like? Do this every so often to chronicle your journey.

I typically write in my journal and/or on here about how I’m feeling in a more prosaic form, and I don’t think doing a list will become my typical way of doing it, but I think it could be fun once in a while. So here is my list.

  •    Super anxious. I started feeling a bit anxious last Saturday (in this particular case when I say anxious I mean the sensory anxiety thing, but also generally I was super jumpy and hyper alert) and all that for no clear reason. I have some ideas now as for what could cause it, but given the intensity of the anxiety it seems very inadequate and this sensory anxiety episode has been one of the worst I’ve had in the last couple years. Last weekend and the beginning of the week was particularly awful, now I’m slowly recovering and it’s much better but still far from my baseline.
  •    Excited about MIMRAs (My Inner Mishmash Readership Award) and relieved that I’ve finally sent them out. This is a really happy and exciting process for me and I love the idea so much and that I came up with this, though all the preparations can get a bit exhausting. I am also hopeful that the winners will enjoy their MIMRAs as that’s the whole point of it. I am also happy that Sofi likes her new iPhone which she got from me earlier this week. It was meant to be a Christmas present, but since she chose the colour of it and the accessories anyway I figured I could just as well give it to her right away. Her old iPhone was in an awful state (our parents bought her a used one and it was in a pitiful condition already when she got it, but they refused to get her a new one even though the old one is now barely usable, because Mum says she doesn’t deserve it and needs to have higher grades. I don’t see it as a prize for anything, I think she should have a functioning phone to be able to do her schoolwork from home and not be lagging too far behind her peers with her knowledge and abilities regarding technology. Plus now that she has a functioning, brand new phone which will be supported for a few more years to come, unlike the old one, it should definitely serve her well at least until she’s 18, and then she can buy a new phone for herself, so no one of us will need to bother with buying her another phone any time soon. If she breaks it earlier, I emphasised it to her that it’s entirely her problem, although she does have coverage). She is really enjoying having a functional phone, and Mum now says that it was a good idea.
  •    A bit frustrated and tired. Frustrated with the fact that I’ve really been having a lot of migraines lately. Like, the last few months or so. It was the same last year about this time, autumn-winter, and then it got better, so I’m wondering if it’s some sort of a seasonal thing and if so why that is. It’s really getting in the way of things. The migraines themselves aren’t even all that painful, I’ve had worse and I know people have worse, but they’re really energy draining and make me feel kind of generally sick, so I’m effectively unable to do much of anything while having a migraine, especially that it often gets worse when I try to force myself to do something more ambitious that requires getting out of bed, and they’re more difficult to get rid of than they used to be. The combination of migraine medication and good sleep, or sometimes even just a usual NSAID if I’d take it early enough, used to be enough to get rid of the problem in one day, occasionally it would linger for some longer time but that was rare, while now the meds help rather rarely and it’s a bit like a lottery, at least I haven’t found any connections as to when and why they work or don’t work, and I need much more rest and sleep to make myself feel any better, I also don’t want to take the meds too often. I know it’s like this or even worse for many people who have migraines, but mine were generally easier to handle before so the situation is new to me and I’m feeling a bit clueless, and like I said frustrated because they often get in the way just when I want to do something productive. And as for the tired part, well I had a migraine yesterday until about noon today, and I’m still feeling a bit tired and sluggish afterwards.
  • A little stressed/worried, and a little looking forward to Christmas. Christmas is typically a stressful period for me, as it is for many of us. I don’t really know yet what it will be like for us this year, as we don’t have any specific plans, so typically I’m feeling rather apprehensive. But it’s also generally a nice occasion and I hope it’ll be at least a bit fun and not just stressful like it was last year.
  •    Desperate for a new faza. But that’s been the case for quite some time now and you probably all know about it, I don’t have anything to add to this really.

And I think that’s it. My day, apart from the migraine earlier, has been okayish, and it’s now coming to an end, so I’m not really anticipating anything today except for hoping for a decent night’s sleep. And my state of being feels a bit sluggish, a bit jumpy, but overall rather neutral at the moment.

How are you feeling? Do let me know. 🙂

 

My Inner Mishmash Readership Award #2! And the winners are… *don’t read if you got a pingback and like surprises* :D

Hi all you lovely people you! 🙂

Phew, it’s been quite an intense week! I know it’s super late compared to last year and am very sorry for that, but finally, it’s time to reveal this year’s winners of

My Inner Mishmash Readership Award!

My Inner Mishmash Readership Award (or MIMRA for short) is an idea that I came up with last year, where each year, around Christmas, I award three of my

most involved, insightful and engaged readers of My Inner MishMash as a way of expressing my gratitude and appreciation for their presence on My Inner MishMash, and also simply as a way to have some more fun on here for all of us, pre Christmas. Of course I do appreciate every single reader of my blog and am so happy for all of you who are stopping by, but quite obviously I can’t award everyone who visits my blog, so in a way this is also a more symbolic way of appreciating all of my readers.

So, without further ado, I am exxxtremely exxxcited to announce that the winners of this year’s My Inner Mishmash Readership Award are… *applause, drumrolls, fanfares, confetti etc.*

Meg of Where Good Advice Happens,

(and this is her second MIMRA)

Ashley Leia of Mental Health @ Home

(and this is her second MIMRA as well)

and

Astrid and her whole system Astridetal of A Multitude of Musings

.

Meg and Ashley are literally as lucky as they can be, because you can only win MIMRA twice in a row! Although Sofi is trying to convince me that it should be thrice, so… I don’t know… we’ll see next year I guess. But you can lemme know what you think of this idea if you want.

Thank you so very much to all of you, the winners, for being such engaged readers of My Inner Mishmash, such great supporters of Misha and me and such cool people overall! And thank you to all of my regular readers for all their extremely valuable input! 🙂 And HUGE thanks to my Mum for helping me with this whole thing, brainstorming ideas with me, designing the cards etc. because it just wouldn’t work out without her! 🙂 Last, but by no means least, thanks to Sofi, thanks to whom there are some pics with this post that you can enjoy. Sofi has made some of them and then today has helped me a lot with selecting the photos for this post and captioning them. After she captioned them, somehow I lost or couldn’t find her very descriptive captions after transferring the photos

This MIMRA has just been sent out and I had no clue which photo was which and got really annoyed and was about to give up on the whole photo thing, but eventually Sofi helped me once again change their names to something more descriptive than img0185 so that I knew what I was posting, lol, and do alt texts properly. All that despite she’s having a really awful day today because she’s sick.

I sincerely hope it’ll arrive to people at least very shortly before Christmas, but since I sent it out almost a whole month later than I did last year (guess I’ll have to start the preparations in August rather than in September next year 😀 ) because of the delay with the cards company and some things that have been going on for me personally as well as for my Mum, and since the mail in many countries is overloaded due to Covid and people ordering a lot of stuff online, at least from what I’ve been hearing, it’s possible that, if that’s the case with the mail in your country, you may need to wait for your MIMRA a bit longer than that. Even without such complications, I remember that last year’s MIMRA for Meg was going very slow, but that’s probably because our mail here always tends to be slow with foreign mail for some reasoon, at least in my experience. 😀

As a compensation, the MIMRA packages this year have a bit more content than the year before, but to be honest it wasn’t really even planned. Here are some pics (but with the MIMRA boxes closed, so you can’t take a peek in this year, ha, ha, more details about the content later)

Misha is sitting on the stack of grey MIMRA cartboard boxes which are next to my wardrobe. He is looking at you.

Misha sitting on the MIMRA boxes, which are decorated with three Christmas baubles from Sofi's tree, one bauble is grey and the other two are white.

And here’s a little bonus for all of you who like to look at Misha and often ask me about his pics, just because I had one more at hand and because it’s a special, exceptional day when images are being posted on this blog, lol, though it’s unrelated to the award itself.

Misha stretched out on the sheep skin on my bed.

I won’t be telling you what’s exactly in the MIMRAs, I myself am not a huge enthusiast of surprises but I figure most people do like them, but to give you a bit of an idea, there are some Polish edible goodies in there. My goal with MIMRA is to introduce people to new, yummy things that are only a thing in Poland, because I think it’s fun to see how each country has its own candy and stuff. And we generally have a lot of yummy food here. Only it’s so universalised these days (plus I myself haven’t been abroad much which may be an important factor here as well) that sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s Polish and what’s just somehow adapted or something. Last year’s MIMRA winners may remember that one of the things in the award package were biscuits with chocolate and jelly which are called Delicje over here. I was absolutely convinced they are a Polish thing, until last year’s MIMRA winner

Carol Anne of Therapy Bits, and some of the littles in her system,

enlightened me that they are also in Ireland, under the name of Jaffa Cakes, and they do appear to be in many other countries as well! So this year I did a bit more research and hopefully these things are actually exclusively Polish, or at least you haven’t tried them before, but even more importantly that you will like them. However Meg told me that she really enjoyed these Jaffa Cakes and she can’t get them anywhere and would like them in the MIMRA again. I originally didn’t plan it to be so, but because I found something that I thought could be a fun thing for Ashley and Astrid but maybe not necessarily for Meg, she did get a package of them eventually. Ashley and Astrid have something else instead. I’ll just say that it’s something to have a bath with, and I remembered that Meg can’t have baths with such bath products so I think it’s fair enough.

I hope you guys will like your MIMRAs and enjoy them at least as much as I did making them, and that they’ll bring some happiness to you for the Christmas time. 🙂

 

Ten Things of Thankful – #TToT. –

Today, after a long time of not doing this, I’m linking up with

Ten Things of Thankful

to list some things I’m grateful for, as a sort of follow-up to my earlier post about ways of showing gratitude.

Here’s the list of things I’m thankful for.

  1.    That we are all in good health, me and my family. I think that’s a huge thing to be grateful for any time. I’m not just talking Covid, but this, of course, too. It’s one of these things you typically only start to appreciate when something goes really wrong, so I’m trying to be grateful in advance.
  2. My room. It’s my recharge place and a place I feel very strongly emotionally attached to so I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my own room. Especially that mine is really beautiful, cosy and Mishful. I got to particularly appreciate it yesterday when Sofi was having a party that I mentioned earlier today, but Misha and I could just lock ourselves here and be oblivious to all that.
  3. Great music and interesting books! I always make sure I’m not short on either and both these things are of tremendous importance for me every single week, making my life richer. Right now, I am listening especially much to Enya’s music – Enya was my very first major faza (or music fascination) and even though she’s more in the background now, still, every year, when it gets colder outside, I feel like listening to a lot of her music. –
  4. Everything to do with MIMRA (My Inner MishMash Readership Award). That I am able to do MIMRAs, that I have my Mum to help me out with them, as she always helps a lot and although she’s not my reader she probably deserves a MIMRA herself 😀 that I have my loyal and supportive blog readers, that I have some cool ideas for MIMRA this year (although it all still needs to be polished)… There’s so much to be grateful for about MIMRA.
  5. Kefir! A lot of people who aren’t really as huge fans of kefir as I am but do drink it sometimes might argue that it’s a distinctly summery drink. Well I drink it all year round and this week I’ve been drinking tons of it.
  6. My Mum yet again! For all the other things beyond MIMRA she does for me. I feel really grateful that we have such strong relationship and can talk about lots of things, and also that we have relatively similar views on a lot of things – would be difficult otherwise living together, so it’s really a big plus. –
  7. That we’ve been having pretty good weather this week. Today’s especially nice and sunny out there.
  8. My iPhone and all the stuff I can do with it that I couldn’t before I got it, and that I’ve learnt to use it despite the touchscreen challenges well enough. This week, I’m especially grateful for being able to play BitLife when I had not much constructive stuff to do, especially at nights, as my sleep cycle was all over the place this week because of migraines, but at the same time I had too little energy to actually do something more useful. I’ve lived about 6 lives in Bitlife now and I always bond so closely with the character I’m playing.
  9. All my penfriends, especially the ones with whom I’ve been writing for a longer time, their interesting emails, care, support, and all the conversations we have.
  10. And Misha!!! How come I didn’t put him higher on the list? Misha slept with me in my bed last night, I mean really in bed, not on the bed or in his bed on my bed but properly under the duvet beside me, which happens very rarely, and I loved it. I am also grateful for that he spends a lot of time in my room now during the days, sleeping in a basket on the windowsill, so he can look out the window, smell the fresh air, feel the sun and wind, and the radiator beneath it. Sadly the radiator itself is way too narrow for Misha, otherwise I’m sure he would have preferred sleeping there. I’m always so grateful for having such a beautiful Mishball in my life, I’m insanely lucky in this regard.

So, these are the ten things I’m grateful for this week.

What’s on your list? 🙂

 

Question of the day.

What are you putting off?

My answer:

You may say I am kind of putting off doing some stuff for MIMRA, but I don’t think that’s really putting off, because I am just thinking whether there are some better ideas, as I’m not fully convinced to my current one, so I’m waiting for my brain to come up with something new, but I have to wait anyway because I need my Mum’s help even with the plan I have so we both need to have time at the same time to take care of this and right now my Mum has to do other things. So that’s not really putting off as such. But other than that, at this moment, I don’t think I’m putting off anything.

How about you? Is there any specific reason behind why you do this, like it’s stressful or you don’t have enough energy to do this now or don’t like doing it? 🙂

Question of the day.

What are you thinking?

My answer:

It’s MIMRA time on my blog now – well, at least MIMRA preparations time, it’s still a fair bit of time left until MIMRA sending time I think (for the uninitiated, MIMRA stands for My Inner Mishmash Readership Award and is a thing on here since last year, it is sent out every year around Christmas/New Year to three of my readers who I think are particularly engaged or provide some particularly valuable input into this little Mishmashy world, and it’s kind of like care packages) –
so I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. It’s going very slowly this year because I’m sort of undecided as for what I want to do with it this year, at least as for some elements, I have some idea but am not really sure it’s right. But today I got the first items for it in the mail, and was very glad about that, especially that they look like good quality stuff and I was a little bit concerned about this because I feel like it’s something that can have really differing quality especially if you order it online and can’t have a first hand experience, and I’m not really an expert in the field as I hardly ever buy things like these for myself. But it looks really good to me and so I think it was a great choice for MIMRA. So yeah, my thoughts have been going around this topic quite a lot lately. 🙂

What about you? 🙂

What roles do I play?

This post is going to be long, the more that before I get to the actual topic of it, I’d like to fill you in a little on what’s been happening in my life so that you have an idea if you’ve been wondering what was going on, but feel free to skip a few paragraphs to the actual topic. 🙂

As you know, I’ve been getting used to my new iPhone the last couple of weeks, which is one of the reason I hadn’t blogged much at all lately. I’m getting better with it, though still, there are things I have to figure out, and I’m still pretty slow at using it, and I suppose it may just be the case that, despite it seems to be the opposite for most people, I will not be able to use the iPhone as fast and efficiently as my computer. But I do know how to do the basics, and even some things that aren’t basic by now.

Also, we had a bit of a heatwave and that really affected my energy and generally my wellbeing, and last week was migraine-filled and also difficult emotionally as I was really low, which was followed by our short family trip during the weekend. The trip wasn’t that very fun at all, as it wasn’t a particularly interesting place and there wasn’t much at all to do, also it was terribly hot for all of us and the conditions in our hotel were rather poor, but we mostly just went to keep Dad company as he was having some work related training and exams there, and because Zofijka loves staying at hotels, so we thought it could be fun for her. I’m really happy to be back home and now appreciate it even more than I did before that I can sleep in my own bed and do things I want when I want and just be in my safe space. We also went to the seaside on Sunday and that was so much more fun, I just love the sea. Except that I got badly sunburnt and now it hurts like shit but oh well, luckily it’s going to pass at some point. So that was, in a nutshell, why I was less active in the blogosphere in the last few weeks.

Another thing I started doing recently is I’ve got more ebooks to read in English. I’ve always wanted to read Kindle ebooks which I theoretically can do as there’s a pretty accessible Kindle for PC app, or was I really determined I could get myself a Kindle device with text to speech functionalities, but I’m very picky about the ways I read, and I want to be able to read my books on my PlexTalk, as well as Braille-Sense. Which I can only do with Kindle ebooks if I remove the DRM. I know, I know, it’s illegal, but I believe that if I buy a book, I have every right to read it however is convenient for me, and the mere fact that I’ve removed the DRM doesn’t immediately have to mean that I’m going to give it away to all the people I know IRL and online, or to anyone at all, for that matter, does it? There is a pretty uncomplicated little app that converts ebooks from and to lots of different formats and can remove DRM protection so that you can copy your book on to your preferred device and have it in a format that your device is able to recognise. But despite this app is very easy, for some reason I’ve been struggling to remove the DRM with it from Kindle ebooks specifically, it just doesn’t seem to recognise them properly or something or can’t locate them, even when I select the Kindle folder and a specific file manually, there’s just something wrong and I can’t figure it out on my own. I contacted the developer but so far haven’t heard from him, it seems like he’s been inactive online for a while so I may have to just wait. Meanwhile, because the app is able to work with other types of files on my computer with no issues, I decided to give Kobo books a go. And Kobo works really well for me, I don’t have to convert their books, as my devices read epub, so I only have to remove the DRM. I also may give iBooks a try soon, now that I have an iPhone.

Anyways, since I’ve started using Kobo, I’ve got myself quite a few ebooks, all of which I’m still going to read, and among  them are two books with journaling prompts that I learned about from Astrid of

A Multitude of Musings

who uses them. One is The Goddess Journaling Workbook” by Beatrix Minerva Linden, which sounded really good to me as a folklore junkie, and the other is “The Year of You” by Hannah Braime. I really like the idea of books for journaling and I think I may be getting more of them. I’ve already used a few prompts from both in my diary, but also thought that I’d like to do some of them on my blog, and this is going to be the case today.

I thought I’d use the very first prompt in Hannah Braime book, which I already did in my diary in a bit of a more extended and personal form, but I think I could just as well write about this one on my blog. The prompt goes as follows:

What are the different roles you play in your life (e.g. mother, partner, sister, etc.) List as many as you can think of.

So here goes, in mostly random order. To make it more interesting than just a mere list, I will write a bit about each of these roles. I am not including roles as in masks, like who I may pretend to be for all sorts of purposes that isn’t actually me, and also I’m not including very small roles that don’t really matter for my life as a whole and that I simply don’t have much to say about.

  •    I am a human being. This sounds very obvious and we rarely think much about the fact that we are humans but I think it is a very important role that we should remember that we have and that one of our responsibilities as human beings is to act in a humane way and be proud of all the things that make us human, that distinguish us from any other beings in the world. It’s especially important in times like these when you see so many different situations where people as individuals and as a whole are being dehumanised in so many different ways, some very overt and some very subtle, that have become casual to us over the years and that we rarely think about as dehumanising, or that we may even perceive as good and beneficial because of how our collective thinking has twisted over the years. I personally think I often underestimate how important this role is. And I guess I don’t often take it seriously, for example in the situations where I feel a lot of self-loathing I definitely tend not to think about it at all.
  •    I am a daughter. – It is also one of the main roles, in my case. I am really grateful to have my parents and that my parents are the way they are. From what I have observed, it seems common for children to want their parents to be more like someone else’s parents, or to idealise other kids’ parents and think that theirs aren’t quite as good. But I remember when I was younger and thought about it sometimes, whether I would like to have different parents, and with which of my school friends I’d be happiest to swap, and, especially when it comes to a mum, I couldn’t think of one from those that I knew that I would like more as my mum. This doesn’t mean that my parents are perfect, as neither am I so I couldn’t expect them to be, or that there certainly are no other people on Earth who would make better parents for me, but that I think I’m really lucky to have the parents I have. Perhaps it’s my AVPD speaking, or something else irrational like that, but I often have a strong impression that I’m not quite as good in this role as I could be, and as I should be. I know that I often disappoint them, but it’s not even this that makes me think that I’m not as good a daughter as I could be, because children usually tend to disappoint parents in some way, I guess, just because they hardly ever are exactly the same as the parents expected them to be. I’m always more concerned about that I am mainly a burden for them, especially for my Mum, more than my siblings. I feel like there’s little balance in our relationship, and I guess that’s how most of my relationships actually work. What I mean by that is that I often have, or in any case, feel like I have, relationships with people where I either give too much and the other person keeps overstepping my boundaries, so that I don’t really have much satisfaction out of it long-term, or take too much than I give and feel like I am not able to recompensate as much as I should and would like. And it’s the same here. I know that my parents, especially my Mum, like to chat with me, my Mum often says that she would go crazy here if not me because I am the only person in this house with whom she can have a more intelligent discussion or share some of her thoughts that no one else in this house would be able to understand, and I am also a good listener and both of my parents like to come to me for advice, which I find pretty hilarious since obviously I am much younger than them and don’t have quite as much life experience, my Dad seems to appreciate my sense of humour because we’re on the same wavelength and no one else here gets some bits of our sense of humour, but overall it feels very little compared with what they do for me.
      •    I am a sister. – As you likely know if you’re a regular reader of my blog, I have a brother and a sister. I get along worse with Olek than I do with Zofijka. I’m happy to be his sister and I like him overall, but our relationship isn’t and has never been very strong. These days it looks so that we barely talk to each other unless there’s a clear need for it, we hardly just do small talk. Not because there’s any resentment, conflict or anything, although we used to argue a lot as kids and at least I openly disliked him and was really nasty to him at times, though I mostly don’t remember that, but it just feels awkward these days. With Zofijka, we have a very strong relationship, despite she is much younger than me than Olek is. We often argue with Sofi and get on each other nerves, sometimes it can be very harsh, explosive and difficult because we are very, very, very different from each other and often have trouble understanding each other and our personalities can just clash in a big way, but we can also have lots of fun together and I think in a way I could say that Zofijka is my best friend, we’re sort of like yin and yang and despite there’s a ten years old difference between us we interact with each other very much like peers. I very clearly remember when Mum was pregnant with her, and I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at nights because I was thinking about “Helenka” (we referred to her as Helena throughout the pregnancy and only after she was born was she named Zofia) and I just couldn’t wait for her to be born and was so badly frustrated that I had to wait for so long, I would think all the time what it would be like and what we would do together. And after all I didn’t have to wait that long as Zofijka was born prematurely. That was so much different than with Olek, whose birth is my very first memory and I wrote about it in detail here which was definitely not so pleasant for me. While I’m not sure I am a good sister for Olek, I think I am a pretty good sister for Zofijka, I try to be helpful for her when I can and she often comes to me when she wants to talk about things that she isn’t comfortable talking about with Mum, even though our Mum is the kind of parent with whom you can talk about most things, but about some things Sofi seems to prefer to talk to me. I want her to have a happy childhood and so I do what is possible for me to do to contribute to it, we spend a lot of time together and I teach her a lot of things and I’ve created the Jim guy for her about whom she still likes to hear, and about whom I wrote here.
      • I am Polish. I love being Polish! I feel an affinity with all “my” countries (that is all that speak my favourite languages) and their nations, I love their languages, but I can’t imagine being something else other than Polish myself. 😀 I am very proud of my country and language and I love the Polish language to pieces. Speaking of being Polish, we just had presidential election a few days ago, so I was able to fulfill one of the duties associated with that role, and I was very happy that that our current president, for whom I voted, has got the majority of votes this time round as well, but We’ll still have to have another round, as one of his opponents also got quite a lot of votes and at the same time no one had at least 50%, and to be the president in Poland you have to have at least 50% of votes. So we’ll see yet how it goes, but I’m very hopeful.
      • I am a Christian, and a Catholic. This is a hugely important role for me and to me personally it has a lot of overlap with the human being bit. This has been something that I’ve had a different view on throughout my life and I didn’t always identify as Christian, I was born to a devout family and raised Catholic but there was a period in my life where I considered myself agnostic/atheist, and later also something like Wiccan or along these lines, but I’ve sort of “reconverted” to Christianity after some deep thinking and I’m really happy I did it. It isn’t easy to be a good Christian, especially when you have a mental illness and stuff, some days are harder than others, but I think it’s still really worth the effort. What I struggle with the most in regards to my faith is that I often don’t feel the connection to God as much as I would like, I often feel lost, or don’t feel much towards Him, or not as much as I think I should when I listen to other people. I’d really like to be the “hot” kind of Christian, and I really envy people who are, but I think I’m still really lukewarm and more intellectual than emotional/spiritual in my faith, and I’d like to be able to love God more and have a more genuine relationship with Him. I even envy people like my Mum, who are able to dissolve into spontaneous and genuine tears when contemplating Way of the Cross, or feel deeply moved on a spiritual level by a homily or a hymn, cry during confession or feel a deep spiritual need to receive Communion when they haven’t been able to for weeks, and awful sadness when they cannot, like Zofijka does. I guess it’s already something that I want it, but I don’t know how to make it. I try to be the best Christian I can be without being able to feel such extreme things and think that perhaps I am just meant to live like this and need to accept it, and that there’s some meaning to it, I don’t know. Another huge obstacle I’m facing every day is that I have real real trouble focusing on prayer, my brain doesn’t seem to be cut out for thinking about just one thing at a time. 😀 I realise though that these things are probably also partly a consequence of how things used to look in the past for me.
      •    I am a cat mummy. I love my Misha to pieces, am immensely grateful and happy to have him and so glad that I can take care of him as much as I can, feed him, sleep with him, cuddle with him and receive so much love and beauty in return. This is a relatively new role in my life but I love it, it is a pure pleasure to take care of Misha. I only think it’s a pity that I can’t do all the things that a cat mummy should do, whether it comes to his hygiene or our relationship. Contact with Misha is mostly visual, so that makes the situation more difficult for both of us. For me, because I don’t have the ability to read many of the cues he’s sending, so I often feel confused about what he wants or needs or how he’s feeling, and for him, because that means I have to touch him more than I would otherwise, and that he would like, because he isn’t the most touchy-feely and is often fearful of touch and closeness.
      • I am a friend. At this point in my life, I have no friends in real life (unless we count Misha and people like Zofijka and my Mum in, then I have three), and I’m pretty happy about this fact because I don’t really feel the need to have them in real life just for the sake of having friends. I wouldn’t mind having friends in real life, if there were people in my surroundings that I would feel we have a lot in common with each other and if they’d also want to be my friends, but I’m not desperate and happy to be friends with just anyone just because it looks better to have friends. I do have a few people online though that I consider friends. Some in the blogosphere, and some who are my more long-term pen pals. This can be challenging at times too because I still have some struggles with social interactions or expressing myself even online, so I find it difficult to have really close relationships with people, but it is easier and I really appreciate having friends who think similarly, have similar interests and like me. I know I can’t always be as supportive for them as I’d like, but I do like to be, and I want to be helpful, or at least kind. And, when it comes to writing with my pen pals, especially those with whom I’m closer and have known them for a while, I treat it very seriously and even when I have little time or don’t feel that well or when sometimes I don’t feel very much like writing, I try to write back as soon, as much and as interestingly as I can. Which means that sometimes I can spend a large portion of my day, or even more than that, typing away to people. Not because I have so very many penfriends but because if you’re committed to it, it can consume a lot of time, unless you’re instant messaging or something. ALso sometimes there indeed are a lot of people to write back to, because I still try to make new penfriends, or people initiate contact with me, and there are times when I get like waves of emails, and after a while it gets much quieter because a few people fell off for all sorts of reasons or just have a temporarily a more busy time. Usually when you want to have penfriends you do snail mail or email and typically both of you want to get long mails and possibly regularly, get to know the other person and their life and anything that may be interesting about them and their life, and also know that they are genuinely interested in you. So, if you want to get long mails, you have to write them, too. Some people get easily discouraged from pen palling after a bit of initial enthusiasm when they realise that they won’t get long, beautiful letters every week automatically just because they wrote to someone once, and that they need to put some effort into it as well. So I would say it’s not really for very busy people, because they won’t be able to keep up, unless they’re very organised and motivated. It pays off definitely, if you can find people with whom you actually click and who are equally committed, which may take some trials and errors, some disappointments on both sides and some time, a lot of time in some cases. I am grateful for all of my friends, especially that not so long ago I didn’t have friends like these at all, and now life feels much better.
      • I am a granddaughter. I rarely think of this role of mine. I love my grandparents because they are my grandparents (though I dislike my (paternal) gran and it’s hard to love someone when you dislike them and when you know that they dislike you even more), but, except for my (maternal) grandad, I find it difficult to connect or even just interact with my grandparents. I often think that I am a very bad granddaughter, because I know they generally really like it when their grandchildren visit them and consider it a primary sign of respect or something like that, while I don’t visit them nearly as willingly, nor as often as I and other people think I should, as I find all the socialising exhausting, and, don’t really have a personal bond with them, again except for my grandad with whom we have some sort of an understanding without words and he’s always stood by my side even when no one else did and I will be eternally grateful for that to him. Emily Starr [of New Moon] wrote in her diary in context of her cousin Jimmy that it’s good to have one such person in your life who only sees the good things about you and none of your flaws, more of such people would spoil you. For me such person is my grandad. Therefore I feel even more guilty these days that I don’t live close to him anymore that I don’t visit him more often, and I’m not sure he understands actually why. But what I can do is to try to be nice and kind to my grandparents and show it as much as I can while we are together. I guess though that the lack of relationships with my grandmas (my paternal grandpa died when I was rather little), isn’t entirely my fault. They have a hard time connecting to me just as well, the way I see it, I guess mostly because I’ve been away from home for most of my childhood.
      •    I am a goddaughter. This is another role I hardly think about on a conscious level. But the way I was brought up, since I am a Christian, I was often told by my parents that it’s important to pray for your godparents and support them this way just like they are obliged to support you in your spiritual development. I think it makes sense, so while I don’t have close relationships with my godparents either, and actually don’t really like them, I pray for them every day, especially that they both have very difficult life situations. My godmother is someone with whom I find it really difficult to talk and she usually ends up triggering all my shit so I hardly feel normal after talking to her. We used to get along a bit better when I was younger, and I can enjoy talking to her still because we have a lot in common, but you have to know how to interact with her and which topics are better to be avoided. I am not the only one person in our family who finds her extremely difficult, though. She is generally the type of person who will always give you unsolicited advice and ask lots of questions you definitely don’t want her to ask, and she always knows best what’s best for you but you simply happen not to have discovered it yet, she can be also very hurtful. I suppose attending her birthdays, name days and such also belongs to my duties associated with this role, but as I usually can’t bring myself to do that, I just call my godparents on their special days. This is one of the few instances where I actually prefer to call people rather than see them. 😀
      •    I am a blogger. I have been a blogger for years, almost a half of my life, haha! I’ve always really liked it and I’m proud that I’m doing it. I’m especially proud now, that I have an English blog, this was a really big decision for me and a big dream of mine and it has helped me very much both with my mental health and my language development.
      • I am a language learner. I am not sure if something you do mostly as a hobby can also be your role, but I guess so in a way. What I perceive as a role about it is particularly the bit with endangered languages. My role is learning them so that they are still in use and can survive, or at the very least, even if I don’t get to use them that much in practice, I am still able to speak them. For now, the only minority language I speak is Welsh, and I’m nowhere near fluent yet, but I am learning and I’m going to learn more languages – endangered and not endangered. –

What are the roles you play in your life? 🙂

 

Testing, testing!…

Hey people! 🙂
I have news of the year for you! Bibiel’s got an iPhone. 😄
It’s been hanging in the air for a while already, because Zofijka got an iPhone recently too, and as my ten-year-old Nokia wasn’t getting any younger, I had to think about something new at some point. You may already know that I’d been very reluctant to have a smartphone because of my coordination and orientation difficulties and that it felt sort of surreal for me that I’d ever be able to use a touch screen, and all my attempts on other people’s phones in the past were miserable, so I was always joking that I’m sticking to Nokia due to my undying loyalty to Finland.
It’s been one heck of a change, as you can imagine, but somehow I’ve been able to keep my stress and rumination at healthy levels so far, and am even a little bit excited about the thing. I have a whole lot of things to get used to and would definitely be lost if not my Bluetooth keyboard, as I can do barely anything on the screen, and so far struggle a lot even with the keyboard, but hopefully it’s just the matter of getting used to everything.
I just wanted to let you know about it and test how the email thing works, as I’ve just set up my emails in the Mail app and am sending this via email. This is actually my second attempt as something didn’t work out the whole time. So far I’m pretty sure it’s not going to become my default way of blogging, it’s really arduous.

Post share – Blocking the Block – Cyranny.

So, have you guys already heard about this new WordPress block editor thingy? How do you feel aboutit?

If you feel similarly to me and much prefer the classic one, go over to

This post by Cyranny

and speak up about it, share the post with your readers so that we can have control over our blogs.

They say that we’ll be able to switch between the old and new editors, and if so, it’s great, but the message from their post on this seems to be a little contradictory imo, and I wonder for how long we will actually be given the choice.

As I already commented on the Cyranny’s post, I’ve just tried the new editor out to see what I should brace myself for and if it’ll be as bad for me as for many others, and found it really unfriendly and not really particularly cooperative. It took me about half an hour just to get out back to the classic editor, and it seems like the fact that I did it was only a sheer accident, haha.

I know that there were huge issues in the past with this block editor’s accessibility for screenreaders, and I have to say that, while it isn’t particularly user-friendly and intuitive, the accessibility with my screenreader (NVDA) isn’t bad, as much as I could tell from just testing and not writing an actual post and not being a huge tech savvy, which was a positive surprise, however I’ve heard that apparently there are some significant problems accessing it with another popular screenreader (Jaws). I can’t see for myself if that is the case and to what extend it is unusable as I don’t have Jaws (and even if I could, I’m not keen on the idea of voluntarily interacting with that thing again 😀 ) but if it really is, something seriously must change here.

 

The Sunshine Blogger Award.

A couple days ago, I’ve been nominated by Meg of

Where Good Advice Happens

for the Sunshine Blogger Award! Thank you so very much, Meg! 🙂 So, since it’s been a few days already since I was nominated, time to finally make the award post.

Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and provide a link back to their blog so others can find them.
2. Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger who nominated you.
3. Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 new questions.
4. Notify the nominees about it by commenting on one of their blog posts.
5. List the rules and display a Sunshine Blogger Award logo on your post and/or your blog site.

Before we go further, just a little clarification, though I’ve said this before when doing award posts. There’s no logo to go with my post, since I’m blind and getting this on to my post seems a bit of a hassle that I don’t really understand how to go about. I know that some blind people do display award logos and similar things, so probably if I really really tried I could get my head ’round this, but, oh well, there are so many more fun and less abstractive things to do in life, and I’m also very minimalistic when it comes to images because they seem to be very distracting for people so that they don’t see the more important things. 😛

   Questions for me:

1. What is your say on all positive approach to life?

Oh no no no! Positivity is okay, optimism is okay, but I’m allergic to people who tell me to always be positive and similar bullshit. I’m allergic to people who tell me what I am supposed to feel and think. If there’s anything that is mine in this world, it’s my brain and no one will tell me what I should do with it. It’s probably because I’d been exposed to such people a lot and actually found it very toxic and invalidating, because even if I wanted… well sheesh, you can’t always be positive when you are depressed, plus suicidal like I was then, right? Also I’ve learnt to suppress my feelings early on in life and still haven’t really managed to unlearn it even though it’s better these days, and that’s why I probably respond the way I do to when not only I feel like I have to suppress what I feel but also am supposed to feel something vastly different. And I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to my brain and feelings and all that. Just like constant, all negativity approach is wrong and toxic, so is with positivity. I consider myself a defensive pessimist, and that has been working really well for me since I’ve adopted this approach in life. But, at least in my view, being a pessimist absolutely doesn’t mean that you have to be negative all the time and about everything, grumpy and complaining and make other people feel miserable. I really enjoy appreciating all the good things in life, relishing them and I love the fact that although I have depression, I am nevertheless still quite a hedonist at least when I’m at what I consider my normal, and I like to be enthusiastic about things. Just not about everything, and not all the time, and not when someone tells me to. And thanks to my defensive pessimism, when something in my life turns out better than I expected, the more happy and positively surprised I can be about that. Oh, that was a bit of an essay! 😀

2. What you do at times of writer’s block ? Also mention reasons for a writers block, if any?

Sometimes I just wait it through and don’t stress overly. At other times I use some writing prompts, music or other stuff to inspire myself, it also depends what I am writing. Sometimes I just have to get through a difficult period and then my writing brain is back to normal after some stressing event is over. And as for the reasons, as I said, stressful events can give me a writer’s block, or particularly low mood and energy. But most of all I guess it’s the emotional overloads that can block me the most in any way of expressing myself, especially that when I experience them I usually have particularly low self-esteem to the point of self-loathing so even when I write something I usually don’t like it. Sometimes I try to write anyway and it can help if I push through, but at other times it’s downright impossible and then I have to wait until it passes, or try to get rid of some of those emotions that are raging in my brain in some other way.

3. When you started or even now do you feel like deleting a frank post,  overthinking that it’s too bold ? What you do if it happens?

Yeah it happens sometimes that I write a very candid post, and then decide mid-writing that actually I shouldn’t be writing this, either because I don’t like what I wrote in general or it feels like exposing myself too much or sometimes I’m scared that someone whom I don’t want to will read it if it touches on some very sensitive topic. Then I sometimes delete it altogether, but at other times I keep writing it anyway, even when I don’t feel fully convinced about whether what I’m doing is right and feel like it’s very risky. But I rarely delete posts after I publish them, unless some time passes and I decide that for some reason they’re not right, too candid or vulnerable or whatever.

4. Do you believe in planning to the last detail or rough plans or no plan at all?

Hmm hard to say. I’m not a spontaneous person at all, but at the same time I hardly make rigid and thorough plans for anything. I like to be able to know what I’m going to do soon, and I really like routine and hate changes, but meticulously planning very far ahead is boring, so I guess I’m somewhere in the middle.

5. What is the weirdest flavour or combination you ever found in a drink or snack?

Chocolate with sea salt! My Mum used to have a phase where she would buy lots of chocolates with really strange things in them – like chilli, some weird alcohol fillings, or sea salt. – I found the sea salt in combination with chocolate particularly repulsive. I loooove love love salt, I mean, I used to eat just salt alone from the salt cellar, and my uncle who was a mariner got me lots of salt crystals from the Dead Sea years ago and I was licking them whenever I needed my salt fix, lol, my grandad used to say that it could have something to do with the fact that I have low blood pressure all the time but I’m not sure if there is a relationship, I guess I just simply like salt, and I also love chocolate, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t or don’t think I do, but together they’re just yuck.

6. What is your most embarrassing moment?

I can’t recall one that would be the very most embarrassing, when you have AVPD a lot of things feel embarrassing whether they are or not, so I thought I’d share a recent thing that happened to me, that was quite embarrassing but also very funny. We were in church last Sunday and I was sitting next to my Dad, listening to the homily, and I had a scarf on my face since we’re still having some restrictions in place, but rather lightly at that moment because there was only me and my family sitting in the pew, there is some distance between pews and it was very warm in there, and I wanted to avoid getting overly hot as it happens to me quite a lot in church and then can get embarrassing when my bp is dropping and I’m all dizzy and have to get out or pray that I won’t faint or something. When the homily was over, there was a brief moment of silence, and I suddenly felt like I was going to sneeze. Unfortunately it happened faster than I thought and I didn’t even manage to get out a handkerchief or cover my face more tightly with the scarf in time, and since it was so quiet, I’m pretty sure the whole church has heard me sneezing. 😀 Sofi immediately hissed that “Whoa, attention, Bibiel is giving away corona for free! Who wants to adopt a little virus?”, and then Dad started giggling, then I started laughing, and as is usually the case with me in public places where it’s not that appropriate to laugh, when I’ll start to laugh I can’t seem to be able to stop that easily, even if the reason is rather trivial and not that very funny, so I continued to try not to laugh at the whole thing for quite a few minutes. I guess that’s early signs of hysteria. 😀 My Mum and my grandma are exactly the opposite, they start to cry in church, cinema, theatre, official events at schools etc. very easily and seemingly over anything, while I get fits of laughter for no reason. I guess it’s worse because crying, while also awfully embarrassing, seems a bit more acceptable in such settings. 😀 Anyway, I’ve been thinking that now, and after the coronavirus, sneezing, coughing, or even sniffling or grunting, are going to be way worse and shameful than burping or farting. Too bad for people with allergies like me. 😀

7. Are you a dog person or a cat person? Why or why not?

I’d say a cat person, just because I seem to get along better with cats and understand them better, and especially since I’ve got Mishmishbut it’s not like I dislike dogs, they can be very sweet too, I love to play with our Jocky for example. I just don’t get along with them quite as well and we’re not on the same wavelength. Dogs seem to like me a lot for some strange reason, even more than Zofijka so she’s always envious when we are at someone’s place and their dog is all over me rather than playing with her, but I much prefer the way cats show their affection rather than have a dog jumping all over me or licking my face haha.

8. If you had the opportunity to pick one superpower for the rest of your life what would you choose: time travel, teleportation, telepathy, psychokinesis, invisibility?

I used to want to be able to teleport as a kid and that still would be cool, then I thought that telepathy was the best since you could have so much insight into other people’s brains, but I’ve read a book about a boy who had that ability and that seemed quite overwhelming to have all the bullshit from other people’s brains go into your brain, I think I’d drown in it. These days I think I’d like invisibility the most, as long as it was so that I’d be able to choose when I want to be invisible and when not, rather than be invisible all the time.

9. How do you cope with stress or anxiety? Any special tricks you’d like to share?

Misha helps me the most. If you have an anxiety disorder or are just not very tolerant to stress and don’t have a pet, I highly recommend that you get yourself one if you are able to in your life situation. Music helps me especially with the sensory anxiety stuff, as do some other distractions that can occupy my brain really well. Distraction won’t always make your anxiety go away, sometimes it won’t work at all, but it’s always worth a try. Good sleep is key. It won’t always mean that you’ll feel completely fine and not anxious after a restful night’s sleep, but if you’re sleep deprived and have anxiety issues, I’d think you have it pretty much guaranteed that you will experience a lot of anxiety, more than you would otherwise. I also take medication for anxiety and although I didn’t do it for many years, even though I’ve had anxiety all my life, now I can’t imagine not having a help like that at all and often wonder how I actually got through some anxiety-provoking stuff in the past without it, when my overall mental health was much worse. My anxiety is generally of a chronic rather than panicky and coming and going kind, I have different types of anxiety, but when I get panic attacks or when my anxiety increases significantly in a short time, what I do is I try to think in another language. That is, not Polish and not English. I’m already fluent in English enough that English doesn’t work, and I tend to think about the things I feel more often in English than in Polish these days. But I try to think in other languages that I know. That is Swedish and Welsh. First, that provides a distraction and of course these languages are something I like. Second, it just is a good exercise for practicing my language skills. And third, it slows my thoughts. When I’m anxious my brain is racing with lightning speed, and since I’m not that very fluent in Swedish, and especially not in Welsh, it takes time for me to form thoughts in these languages. ALso Swedish is generally very simple so it’s strange how I can start to think more rationally in Swedish. There really is something in what people say that with each language you know, you get something a bit like a new identity. Often that language trick will actually help me to better realise what I am so anxious about, or will simply help to calm me down. Again, this doesn’t work always, because sometimes it’s impossible to focus, but when it does, my brain can slow down a bit.

10. Is the universe finite or infinite? And why do things even exist at all?

I think it’s finite but really really REALLY huge. And I think if something exists, especially when we are talking about living beings, there most certainly must be some very clear purpose to it, even if we don’t know it yet, or struggle to understand it. I’m sure we’ll all know it some day.

11. If you had one week left to live what would you do?
I would make sure that Misha would be well looked after and treated, have everything he needs for his whole life after I wouldn’t be with him. I mean my Mum is his main feeder anyway so he wouldn’t go hungry but they don’t know his habits quite as well as I do, or his dislikes, so I would do everything that I could to make sure that he would have someone who would always care for Misha and not make stupid tricks on him like scaring him with the vacuum cleaner just because it looks funny. I don’t know who it could be though, probably Mum because he is very attached to her even though she often gets irritated with him and screams at him which he doesn’t like. I would make time for saying a proper goodbye to my family and would spend a lot of time with them, I would probably have to explain some things about me to them. I think I would give most of my things to Zofijka. I would spend a lot of time preparing myself for death spiritually so that I could die happy. I’d like it to be a possibly happy week during which I would do some things that I never did before but that I would be sure that I’d enjoy them. Nothing spectacular or extravagant, just small, pleasant things. And I would like to do something really helpful for someone.

I’ve recently nominated quite a lot of people for the Real Neat Blog Award, but this time I just nominate everyone who reads this post. And you can answer the questions that I was asked, as I don’t really have many ideas at the moment.

 

The Real Neat Blog Award.

Hey guys! 🙂

I’m very happy to share with you that I’ve been nominated for the Real Neat Blog Award by Mio Angelo from

mentally Ill In America,

thanks so much, Mio. 🙂

   Questions for me:

1   What is your favorite color and why?

If I had to pick just one, it would have to be black, but I also like white, grey, blue and green almost just as much.

2   Who do you admire the most in life and why?

I don’t know if I have one person that I absolutely admire, like as a whole, that I want to be like them and look up to them always. It’s more like I admire particular traits in different people. The only person that I feel like I admire wholely is Jesus.

3   If you could describe yourself as a color, what would it be and why?

Hmmm, that’s tricky, because, although I have a strangely good idea about colours for someone who’s blind since birth, I don’t really think or imagine things in colours at all. I think black suits my personality quite well, and the fact that I used to be a Goth. And maybe some blue, kind of sea blue, but as for the latter I don’t know why.

4   Where is your favorite place on Earth and what makes it so special for you?

Definitely my room, just because it’s mine, I feel safe in here, have all I need, don’t have to deal with other people, Misha is here, I can listen to my favourite music etc. etc. etc.

5   What is your favorite food and why?

It depends, since there are so many types of food and it depends on when. So, my favourite foods include, in very random order: Silesian dumplings, chips, anything spicey, olives, spaghetti, chicken, kefir (is a drink a food too? 😀 I looove kefir so I think it deserves a mention), most fruit and veg, although preferably raw if it’s edible this way, chocolate, salty snacks like crisps, the vast majority of dairy, fried, very salty and crispy bacon, various biscuits, pasta with broccoli and cheese sauce… I’ve run out of ideas at the moment but there’s loads more things I like and love.

6   What is your favorite book of all time?  What did you find interesting about it?

The Emily of New Moon series by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I love all books by her, but I think it won’t be an exaggeration or an overstatement if I say that it has shaped me in a way. I also find Emily herself and a lot of other characters very relatable, and I like the way Montgomery could describe people, I like when a fiction writer can be very psychologically insightful about their characters. It’s also made me love to write even more than I did before I’d read Emily for the first time, although my writing ambitions are nowhere near as high as Emily’s and I’m not as obsessed with it these days.

7   Why do you enjoy writing and blogging?

It’s very cathartic and therapeutic and the easiest and most doable form of emotional expression for me. As for blogging alone, it also helps me connect with people who are either like-minded or we have something in common, and sometimes it can be helpful to actually write for real people and knowing that there will be someone on the other end actually reading your writing, rather than just to write in my diary, although the latter is very important to me as well.

8   What type of music do you enjoy?

I always say that my taste is both eclectic and picky at the same time, some people say snobbish (because I often tend to have very little idea about what’s currently popular) and that always makes me laugh. But my favourite genres are folk and rock. I like folk from all over the world but most prefer Celtic and Nordic, and as for rock, I used to listen to Gothic stuff, some symphonic metal, then later some folk rock with a lot of pagan influences. These days I still listen to some of that stuff but very little, mostly because I’m no longer as very Gothic and my world views and beliefs have shifted a lot over time, so what I’m more likely to listen these days is some alternative rock, often in some hardly ever heard language or with strange lyrics, or indie rock, or some more ambitious pop rock. But folksy influences are always welcome. I also like acoustic music, some electronic, britpop, music that may be or may have been popular in other countries but not necessarily familiar at all where I live, and relaxing music as well.

9   What are your favorite hobbies (besides writing) and why do you like them?

Learning languages or rather generally playing around with them, reading, spending time with Misha, listening to music, naming other people’s kids, or at least trying to help them with that and generally playing around with names, also horse riding though I haven’t been riding in ages now and things have been hard in that respect for multiple reasons. It’s nearly impossible to say why I like or do most of these things, that’s just what my brain likes I guess and has more or less always had.

10  What is your favorite song and singer/band?
I rarely have something like a one, most favourite song, whether at a given time of all-time. I just like too much music to be able to think in such terms, haha. As for musicians, I also have lots of favourite artists and bands, but I guess I can say my faza objects are my most favourite, or, music crushes as I call them in English, though this translation is very superficial as I’ve said many times previously. And they are, in chronological order, Enya, Declan Galbraith, Cornelis Vreeswijk and Gwilym Bowen Rhys (who has also been a part of Welsh-language bands Plu and Y Bandana).

   My nominees:

One of the rules of this award is to nominate 10 bloggers, so here are links to people that I nominate:

Take a Ride on My Moodswing,

Where Good Advice Happens,

A Multitude of Musings,

Astrid’s Words,

Sparks From a Combustible Mind,

Invisibly Me,

Therapy Bits

Food.for.Thought,

I Am My Own Island

 

and

Color me Bipolar.

   Questions for my nominees:

You need to ask your nominees 7-10 questions, you can come up with them yourself or ask them the same questions that you’ve been asked. I thought I’d make up my own so here goes:

1. What’s your eye colour? Do you like it or would you change it if you could?

2. Have you had a good relationship with your parents?

3. If you had to rename yourself, what would your name be?

4. Do you like to daydream? If so, does your dream world look in any specific way that you are able to describe?

5. If you feel very hungry, what is your go-to meal?

6. What is your favourite instrument or one that you would like to learn to play?

7. What types of blogs/blog posts do you most enjoy reading?

8. Do you like to sing?

9. What is the best way for you to recharge after an exhausting day, whether physically or mentally?

10. If you were a founder of a charity, whom/what would it work for?

It’s okay if you don’t do award posts, there’s no pressure or obligation, I know they can be absorbing, and don’t fit with every type of blog, you can just consider this nomination as a way of appreciating your blog rather than a pressure for anything.

If you do decide to make an award post, however, then let me know or make a pingback to this post so I can read it. 🙂