Question of the day.

Don’t know if it’ll be a regular series on my blog, depends on whether you guys will like it and whether I will be able to come up with or find online any questions for every day, but decided to give it a try. Here’s my question for you, this one I found on the Behind The Name message board:
What have you gotten away with? How sneaky were you when you were younger? Or was it something recent that you messed up and got away with?

Suspicious.

My Dad is very suspicious

by nature. So suspicious that I often even call him paranoid. He was suspicious as long as I can remember, always thinking that all people around are cheating – on him, on us, on the whole world. Of course, especially media, politicians, health services, Mum, Internet… but in fact, more or less, everyone. He has always had a very hard relationship with Olek – my brother. I’m sure he loves him, but he always treats him like kinda black sheep and whatever he would do is automatically perceived as absolutely wrong. It was always a significant issue and a reason to worry for my Mum.

My Dad isn’t a man you could have a really deep discussion with, as much as I love him I have to admit he has his views, prejudices and so on so any deeper conversations usually won’t make much sense or even may cause an arguement. But even though sometimes it happens that we talk about more deep stuff, as he likes to talk to me. And sometimes I talk to him about what I’ve read in a speciffic topic we are chatting about. And then he is usually like: “Why do you think they are right? Maybe they just want to manipulate people. Maybe they have paid to write this and not anything else?.” And such thinking makes me feel helpless. I mean – sure, there are lots of manipulative people, manipulative strategies in media, some form of manipulation is probably almost everywhere, not necessarily to make us any harm, but if just everyone is manipulative, what should we believe in? Or why actually should we believe in anything? Why does he believe in God? Maybe it’s just one big cheating? You know, I’m not assuming it is indeed, I am Christian as well, but, thinking the way he does… everything looks so pointless, doesn’t it? Just think, everybody is a total cheater, there’s no one to trust in the world, you have only yourself, well, I wouldn’t even be so sure if he actually trusts even himself. It looks so depressive. And thinking about it, about what my Dad’s reality looks like, makes me depressive, even if it’s not really my reality. I am sorry for him that he chose to live in such an unsatisfying way. But I can’t change it. It is only he who could change it and although he’s grumping so often, he doesn’t seem to really want it.

I am also a pessimist although I think my pessimism is more of a defensive kind, you know, I prefer to be ready for the worst even if everything looks like it’s going to be all good, but that’s how different life circumstances made me and I like to think about myself I still have have the ability to be happy and appreciate even pretty small things and I don’t really like to complain in front of other people, I just find it pretty weakish, anyway when I do so. But my Dad’s pessimism, for me, seems to be only all about grumping, complaining about others, about other people’s dogs peeing where they shouldn’t, not doing anything constructive with his life and thinking almost only about bad things that are happening to him. What frustrates me, he never seems to be really glad of anything, or, more exactly, I suppose he must have some moments when he’s at least a bit happy, but he can’t show it and it really can piss off people around him if they try and do their best to make him happy or at least to make him appreciate what we do for him. Personally I feel like he always kinda favoured me the most in comparison to my siblings, so I didn’t feel it that much directly, but I’ve observed my Mum and my siblings who have  tried a lot to satisfy him and no one and nothing seem to be good enough which makes them discouraged, and me frustrated for them. Now as he is getting older, although he still isn’t old, all these traits seem to deepen, and he doesn’t even see it. I really do love my Dad and with years I’ve learnt how to act with him, but he’s going more and more annoying and challenging for us. As my Mum put it recently while talking with me – he wants to be mentally old. He is in quite good condition physically, but mentally gets old extremely quickly. He’s not even yet in his fifties, but looking only at his personality traits, I doubt anyone could guess it.

But what exactly did I want to say in this post? No, its main purpose isn’t complaining at my Dad, not even letting out my emotions related to him and his difficult and challenging way of being.

What sometimes concerns me, when I think about him, about what he’s like, is that although I think I can’t say I’m grumpy or really overly demanding for people, I see a lot of his traits in myself. actually more than in my siblings. I think, characterwise I am more similar to him than to my Mum, whereas my siblings are rather more similar to her. She says so too. And although of course he has also a lot of good traits, sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid because as far as I can remember I had issues with trusting people, not as he has, but rather in the way I’m always pretty distant to people, even those I want to be close to. I have always had the tendency to be depressive, to overthink, to feel hopeless. I am often very stressed out about small things and always very unsettled by any major changes in life, no matter if good or bad. I am slightly obsessed about my privacy. And I often feel ridiculously suspicious about people in some situations, which can be really mentally exhausting. I know that lots of situations in my life, often very early on, helped my to develop all that and it’s not only the case of just genes or the thing that I wanted to be like this, and my suspiciousness differs from his, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that someday, when I’ll be let’s say the age he’s now, I’ll realise that I am like him. Overly suspicious, cautious and not letting people to like me. That my life will be as hopeless and empty as his is, or seems to be for me. That I will clinge to my stupid daily routines like he does now in fear of just any changes. Luckily I don’t have such temper as he has so I think having such impressional tantrums won’t be my domain. 😀 It is Zofijka’s. 😛 and actually I always try to avoid this thought because I really don’t like to think about it and I feel like it’s a bit ridiculous to be afraid about such odd things which could only happen in very distant future, , but I can’t help I’m afraid about it. isn’t it a total paranoia to be paranoid about being paranoid in thirty years? 😀

 

Share Your World February 12th 2018.

Are you a practical jokester?
Not really, but was a bit more when I was a teen.

Who cuts your hair? You, a friend, or professional.
Usuallly I go to the hairdresser, but if it’s just a fringe or something like this, my Mum does it for me.

Did you have a stuffed animal when you were a kid, if so what kind?
Oh yes I had. I had my poor, long suffering teddy bear which I loved and still owe a big debt of gratitude to him for what a big support he was for me when I was a kid. His name was Pimpuś and I always slept with him when was at home. I never took him to the boarding school with me, I remember I didn’t want him to smell like it, so he was always waiting on my bed at home for me. When I was at nursery I missed him terribly, then a bit less and I wasn’t so attached to him, but I slept with him for a really long time like even when I was a teen. Now he’s retired and after several tail surgeries and other kinds of “medical” interventions, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for him even though now Misha replaced him. I also had many more teddies, and a few dolls, but I wasn’t even half so much attached to them as to Pimpuś.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, obviously, I think it’s needless to mention. Besides it was the second and last week of my winter break, it was absolutely cool, I needed some chill out and just not doing nothing for a while. Also I finally got the confirmation that I can take my final exam, which is needed to finish my current educational stage, in other school than I am learning in. That school is for the blind so they will be able to adjust everything to me much more easily than my school would be. If I’d have to pass it over here, it could be problematic for everyone, I think. It was a Welsh Language Music Day on Friday and dI celebrated it discovering a lot of new and old, but new for me, Welsh language music. And discovering new music I like, or in languages I like, is always a great pleasure for me. On Saturday my Mum made a great toffi cake, because my Dad had his name day. It was so yummmmmmy, so it’s definitely worth noting.

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/02/12/share-your-world-february-12-2018/

Share Your World – February 5, 2018.

What would be your ideal fantasy way to spend Monday?
There could be a few ways, I think. But what first came to my mind is, I’d love to go for a second time to Stockholm with my family, even just for a Monday. I’ve been there once and I had absolutely fabulous time.

What one person that you are out of contact with would you like to say thank you to?
That’s gonna be a little bit lengthy story, but I want it to make sense for you guys. My aunt. Well, she isn’t my actual biological aunt, but I’ve always called her so. When I was at the boarding school, in the first few years my Mum was desperately seeking a place nearby the school to live, just temporarily, so that we could live together and this lady, who later became my aunt, was running properties agency (or however it’s called in English, she was selling properties anyway), so my Mum called her and talked to her about the situation. She was very compassionate and incredibly empathetic and said that although it doesn’t seem possible as for now to find my Mum somewhere close to live, maybe she could help in other way. And she literally offered me to be my aunt. She lived just opposite the boarding school and she said we could visit each other and when my Mum would like to visit me, we can stay at hers, so we would have somewhere else to live than at the boarding school while she stays with me. And of course I agreed, although it seemed a bit strange to me at first, but very nice. And she was my aunt for about four years and whenever we were meeting, I remember I was feeling extremely happy and we were always doing something fun, which all was so different from my everyday existence. But then she moved to her daughter to the nearby city and we’ve lost contact gradually, as some other circumstances also appeared. So yeah, I would love to be able to thank her, but now I don’t know if she is even still living, as even then when we were in regular contact she was already an elderly person and had a whole lot of health issues.

List your favorite toys or games as a kid?
I had strange preferences as a kid. I liked to play with glass balls, or iron balls (you know, from wheel bearings), different things in my Dad’s garrage or other things like that, that you wouldn’t actually think a kid might find interesting to play with, seashells, stones, my Mum’s jewellery, figurines, so on… I still have a big box of my childhood toys, which literally are just all sorts of things you wouldn’t expect to be toys. 😀 As for games, as a little kid I didn’t play that much with other kids or when I played it usually wasn’t really something I genuinely enjoyed, but when my sis was born and grew a little bit, we started to invent a lot of our own games, of which we have a lot now, but I think I won’t go into details, because I’d have to describe them to you entirely as they’re just our own and it would took quite a long time. 😀

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

A lot of things. It was the first week of winter break, which I really appreciated. Traditionally, my little Misha brought me a lot of joy and happiness, along with things like music, books I’ve read etc. I am also very happy about the gifts I got from my closest family members for my birthday, I got a cat made of onyx, a pillow which looks like a cat, a salt lamp and of course, Toffifee! 😀 It felt so nice that my parents and siblings know so well what I like and enjoy. And I am extremely happy with how my Welsh language skills have developed last week. Writing and blogging were also huge pleasures for me.

Share Your World – February 5, 2018

First post.

Hi hi people! 🙂

So thrilled and happy that I finally have this blog. 🙂

I’d like to once again give a very warm welcome to all my readers. Since I wrote quite a lot about myself in the about me page, I think I won’t do it now again.

This first post is just to wish you a very nice time here in My Inner MishMash. I hope you’ll enjoy being here as much as I’m enjoying now.