Question of the day.

In general, ow do you feel about asking for help/reaching out for support?

My answer:

For me, it is a challenge to ask for help, and I’d better not do it if I really don’t have to, or if I do, I often feel either awful or just embarrassed about it. I think it’s mainly because of my lack of confidence and very low self-esteem. Same applies to reaching out or asking for support, though the thing here is more complicated also because of my trouble with expressing emotions as well as my sort of ingrained view that I have trouble looking outside of, that it’s wrong to do, or at least wrong for me, and that I should deal with things myself since other people have much more serious problems. So then even if I do reach out, I often feel like shit about it, or if I ask for help in situations that don’t feel serious enough or I thinnk I could somehow manage them I feel so crappy as if I was manipulative or something. It also happens that I even don’t like to admit that I’m not OK for example, or that something is not going well, as even when I can see that people care, I wonder why actually they would. I have the problem with asking for help/support both with people I know well and am relatively close to, and those whom I don’t know too well or are complete strangers. With the first it’s because of what I wrote earlier, plus I just don’t want to bother them, and with the latter it’s usually because of my anxiety. I absolutely hate people being condescending, like helping me out but making it clear that they’d rather not do it and just making a big deal out of it. Don’t know if you call such a thing condescendingness in English but it seems the closest word I can come up with hahaha. But then on the other hand I’m blind, and also have some other difficulties, which makes it pretty much impossible to live without other people helping you, and I think that in comparison to an average blind person I’m quite dependent on other people’s help, like I rely on my Mum quite hugely. This is quite a contradiction which sometimes can really really suck, and my dependence on other people oftentimes makes me feel even more rubbishy. In the recent few years, my views on this have changed a little bit, as I’ve been trying to figure out a lot of things and actually stared to focus more on my mental health, but it is still a significant problem for me, though I don’t like to talk about it usually.

So, how about you? Do you need a lot of help from other people, or are you a very independent person who doesn’t need it/avoids having to ask for it?

 

Question of the day.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My answer:

Recently I’ve been dealing a lot with feeling inadequate, and that’s the first thing that comes to my mind now. It’s a bit of a paradox, because I generally like being different and feeling different, I never wanted to fit in perfectl ywell an dnever tried to, but at the same time I have those feelings of being inadequate very strong, and in some situations they can be a big struggle to deal with.

You? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

When were you last greatly relieved at being able to excuse yourself from something you were dreading?

My answer:

Well, for me avoidance is one of the main strategies to deal with life, I guess I wouldn’t be diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder if it wouldn’t be so πŸ˜€ ALthough in avoidant personality disorder avoidance seems to refer only or mostly to social situations, while for me it can be also in some other sorts of anxiety provoking situations too as I don’t have only social anxiety. and finding excuses for things I feel anxious about, or feel uncomfortable with generally, is always a very tempting thing to do, and one I do, or at least think about doing, very often. It’s also usually very relieving when I can excuse myself from something I’m very anxious about or don’t feel like doing for any reason, unless it’s something real important that I excuse myself of doing and then my conscience bites me. πŸ˜€ But, the last thing I was able to avoid…? God I guess there are so many of them I just don’t know when was the last time, sometimes I just don’t realise that the thing I’m doing at a certain moment is avoidance. It’s just so weird. Mmm… Ah, I don’t know if it was the last thing but it was pretty recent!

Last week on Friday Zofijka’s classmate came over to us for lunch, and then to play with her. We were home alone, I mean our parents were away. THis girl is new, she lives here since a couple months, and that was the first time I met her. I liked her, and I knew from Zofijka she likes her too and sort of admires her, because she’s lived in the US for a couple years and her English is very good. Zofijka doesn’t have very high aspirations as for her ENglish but it seemed to impress her. ANd she wanted us to talk in English to each other and she wanted to listen. So, although we were both rather confused as for what we can talk about, we did, and the discussion became pretty dynamic and funny, especially that Zofijka could understand hardly anything and we were telling her we’re talking about her which was driving her crazy.

At the weekend, her parents wanted to come to us – we wanted to give them our rabbit cage, as we didn’t have rabbits anymore while they did and didn’t have a proper cage – and because both my parents and hers have been quite interested in each other because of similar views and stuff they just wanted to meet. I didn’t particularly care about their visit. When they came, I was in my room, doing some Welsh, I knew they didn’t expect me to join them or anything. After some time though Zofijka knocked on my door and said that her friend told them about me, and about our English conversation, and that they’d like to meet me. For some reason that made me feel rather jittery, I do like to show off my language skills but I definitely don’t like people to make too much fuss about them and I felt like they definitely might, and I just had a very anxious day which I guess contributed to my maybe slightly inadequate reaction. I just told Zofijka I am doing my Welsh and I’ll come to them when I finish. ANd I was very glad I had that excuse. After they left and when we watched a film later on with Mum she told me they were so looking forward to meet me because of course Zofijka told Mum that I can’t come because I am doing Welsh and they heard it and they were like WHAT? Welsh?! And that they were still very interested in meeting me. It’s not like I don’t want to meet them or something, I think they are pretty nice people from what I know, but it just makes me feel soooo weird when people make so much fuss and overexcite about my languages, it’s embarrassing, annoying and scary.

How about you? πŸ™‚

If We Were Having Coffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Weekend Coffee Share at Eclectic Alli’s.

 

Yup, there’s nothing better than a hot steaming strong coffee is there? But maybe not in this kinda weather.

So OK if you wanna have coffee here you are, but what I’d highly recommend in this awfully hot atmosphere would be definitely something cooler. I am sipping on orange juice with a whole lot of ice. Even the ice itself is yummy hahaha. Can anyone tell me why do I like ice so much? πŸ˜€ No not only to have it in a drink or suck on it or whatever, I just love ice. But why?! I’m pretty curious, but I’ve never got to know so far. But I guess I’ll never understand my freaky brain.

OK so I can pour you some coffee or ice coffee or tea or orange juice or water with lemon, that’s pretty much all we have at the moment, but weirdly enough I’m craving almond milk and I think I’ll need to buy myself some so that we could have some for the next coffee & almond milk share, if anyone else would fancy. I love almond milk, but I rarely have it. It sounds so sophisticated… Almond milk. Doesn’t it? As if you couldn’t drink normal milk like all the normal people out there. But no, I can’t. I don’t like cow milk, at least not on its own. And more importantly, I’m certainly not normal. But that’s another thing.

Ok so if we’re done with the drink thing, if we were having coffee, I’d ask everyone of you how are you doing…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve had a rather uneventful week. My anxiety has finally lessened. It lasted very long, and it was hard to get out of that murky shitty place I was in, but it’s mostly over. Luckily I didn’t have any sleep paralysis episodes this week and I hope it will stay this way as long as possible, I’m really sick of this kind of anxiety for now, it was really debilitating and made me functioning very poorly.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you Zofijka is at our cousin’s. I think she’ll stay there until tomorrow, if not longer. She’s been out travelling or visiting people a lot this summer, and all of us are really happy about that, I don’t know how about Misha, his feelings seem to be mixed, but he also benefits from this situation.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you we went to the beach on Wednesday. My parents, Olek and me. It was really cool. We were much more lucky than last Sunday when it started to rain as we came to the sea. It did become stormy and cloudy but not until we were leaving. By the time we were by the sea it was very sunny and not too hot, really nice, and I spent most of the time in the water. Then we went for a lunch to a restaurant and it was absolutely delicious. Maybe we’ll also go to the beach tomorrow. My parents were also by the seaside on Thursday but I didn’t go with them, they were going with some Dad’s friends so I wouldn’t have much to do and would feel rather bored so I just stayed home, since my anxiety was more settled so I could, without freaking out, even though Misha didn’t want to keep me company and slept in one of his top secret hideouts. But that was OK with me and I had a great day.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m thinking a lot about my therapy lately. Because I don’t really feel like me and my current therapist get along with each other. I mean I like her as a person, and I appreciate that she offered it herself to me that she would be willing to work with me when I got my diagnoses of AVPD and dysthymia in March, but I don’t click with her as a therapist, or so I feel. I feel like I haven’t made much progress with her. Like I feel somewhat relieved knowing finally my diagnoses and thought that from now on when I know what’s wrong with me I’d be able to handle it better with her help, but I don’t feel like a lot has happened since I saw her for the first time. On the other hand it’s only since March that she’s my therapist, so maybe it’s too short to make statements like that, maybe I should give us more time? And also my previous therapist, although we didn’t have regular sessions in like last five years, she knew me very well and I was quite significantly attached to her, we were working together for like 10 years or such, since I was at the integration school so it was really a long time. So maybe I’m expecting to much from this therapist or something? It’s hard to say I guess. Also this therapist I work with now works in CBT, while Monika, my previous one, was also primarily doing CBT but was mixing the various other models too, and I feel like she was more flexible and open-minded. Also the work I did with Monika was that much different that back then I indeed needed some speciffic, concrete coping skills, or very speciffic support from her, because my life situation was different, I was seeing her less regularly, most of the time when she was my therapist I was at the boarding school, so needed some clear and working strategies to cope and survive, and CBT is I suppose something that works well in such cases. We focused on ongoing issues that I needed to solve or things I didn’t cope well with or my ongoing fears etc. and there wasn’t much place at that moment for any deeper work because – at first due to me staying mostly at the boarding school and not being able to see her often and then due to her very busy schedule – we just couldn’t see each other very regularly and most often were just checking in on the phone/via email or having a session once in a while when it fit both of us. That just had to be enough and there weren’t many other options for me at that time to get any professional support and I feel very lucky that I had her at that time. I don’t think many other therapists would be so open and so very supportive for me at that situation, being available always then when I most needed her and was most distressed, and looking at my issues objectively.

But now, as my life situation has changed and is more stable, I’m wondering whether CBT is really for me. They say it works for both mood disorders and anxiety disorders and that AVPD is also usually treated with CBT, but, I’m just not sure if it is what I’m looking for. I feel like my issues, particularly those from which my AVPD seems to come from, are mostly deeply rooted in the past. And I wonder whether now wouldn’t be a good time to process some things to be able to move on. Also I don’t think I have one strict, concrete therapeutic goal right now that I want to go to and achieve. It’s much more like there are many things I want to grasp somehow, either proces or learn to live with or get rid of… I am kinda anxious about this whole digging in the roots of things but maybe that’s what would help me? So I’m wondering which therapeutic model would fit me more and maybe it should be something like psychoanalysis/psychodynamic therapy? That sounds like it could be really suitable, but then new doubts arise and I just don’t know where to go from there. I also thought maybe Gestalt therapy could be helpful with the AVPD thing, maybe not processing but things like my self esteem or anxiety, and that it looks into the future, which I always see as so very black and awful and depressing. And I am just confused as for what to do.

Another thing is that in my particular area I guess there wouldn’t be very many therapists. The easiest way to get to therapy is in our local psychological clinic, but from my previous experiences there and opinions from some other people I suppose that most therapists that work there are doing CBT. Because I can’t commute on my own, obviously I wouldn’t like my Mum to have to drive with me once or twice a week somewhere far away or that is hard to get to. So yeah, lots of confusion here. I am also considering some online therapy, if not as my main one then maybe as an addition to the sessions with my current therapist which I have fortnightly which sometimes feels not enough. So maybe that’s how it’s going to end up. I guess I have to think it through and give it more time or probably talk to my Mum about it. I haven’t so far. I often have an impression she seems significantly distressed when we are talking about my mental health issues so although overall we have a really good relationship nowadays, compared to how it used to be and compared to many other mother-daughter relationships out there, but in this particular topic it’s kinda tough. I guess she’s still blaming herself a lot.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m having a good, quite chilled out day today. I woke up extremely early but just wasn’t sleepy anymore. We played a little with Misha. But the rest of the day he’s been actually sleeping through, and he looks so cute. It’s incredibly hot as I said and after we had dinner I realised it’s way too sultry for me, despite the fan going on almost 24/7 in my room. Usually when it’s so hot I don’t go far from home much unless like to the backyard to cool off or with my family to the sea, on such days my blood pressure is usually LOW and same is with my Mum so we just don’t want to overheat even more to not feel worse plusI am way too sluggish and lazy then to go somewhere very far. But today I thought if I won’t go out of this house right away… I don’t know, but nothing good will happen for sure. πŸ˜€ So I asked Mum if she would like to go for a walk, and she said she would, so we went. We also bought some cool drinks on our way, and I felt a bit better when we came back. We got some orange juice and went out again this time just on the backyard and sat by our river drinking the juice dipping feet in the water and Mum was watching some video but it was in English and without subtitles, and my Mum doesn’t know much English, so I was translating it to her. And so now it’s 7 PM so I guess I’ll have a cool shower now and maybe will do my Welsh challenge for today, I didn’t motivate myself to do it earlier, but I am not sure about it, I don’t want my poor brain to be mad at me. πŸ˜€

Ah, and as for the language stuff, if we were having coffee I’d tell you my inner linguistic freak is over the mon and very proud of herself today. As you could see earlier today, I’ve translated a children’s song from Norwegian to English. I wanted to share it with you – I mean the song, in the song of the day series – because I think it’s cool and funny, but I wanted it to be understandable. I could understand it well via my Swedish, but couldn’t find any English translation online to share. SO my inner linguistic freak decided to take on a challenge and translate it herself. Considering that I can’t speak Norwegian, and am not an English native, I feel like it’s quite an achievement. It was quite a piece of work, despite it’s just a children’s song.

I know it has probably lots of various errors still, but in this case I didn’t aim that much to perfection, I just wanted to show you what it is about, I wouldn’t think I could translate anything from Norwegian to ENglish perfectly, particularly if I haven’t ever translated anything from NOrwegian to any other language before, so didn’t expect it at all. However although it’s not made for the sake of perfectionism, if you have any feedback, comments or you think I could fix something, it would be greatly appreciated, particularly if you happen to speak Norwegian and could tell me if I translated all the words well. I am sure there are some stylistical or grammar errors in the translation too so if you see any, let me know as well.

If you haven’t seen the song and my translation yet and would like, it’s here:

Alexander Rybak ft. Superbarna – Dyrene I Afrika (Animals In Africa).

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? πŸ™‚

What has happened to you this week? HOw is your weekend going? Are you looking forward to something? πŸ™‚

 

Question of the day (16th July).

What’s on your mind, today?

My answer:

A bloody lot of shit. Well, I always have a lot on my mind, but lately it’s like really a lot. I’m generally quite moodswingy lately, which isn’t much like me to be so rapid, and that’s one thing, that, as I suppose, contributes to my brain’s hyperactivity, but another thing is that I think a lot about my future, career mainly.

My mind is just full of ideas, but then when I try to dig deeper into them, many seem not very likely to come true in the near future. Practically, the only option I have, all things cnsidered, is to become a freelancer, and then do some sort of translations, proofreadings, or, potentially, name related stuff, like baby naming, or helping writers or people wanting to rename themselves, or writing stuff about names.

I feel so flippin’ confused though, because I just don’t have a clue about neither freelancing, nor starting a job, nor having your own business, nor actually what, or how, I would be supposed to do things, I don’t know how to start it, how to actually do it, what to do first, I just have so many questions in my mind and no one around seems to be able to help me or give some relevant advice. I tried searching for some job offers for freelancers, and there seemed to be a lot of stuff I could do, but then also there seemed to be so many issues of all kinds. ‘Cause, I guess before you start working as a freelancer, you need to carry on some sort of business already, you can’t just start working out of nowhere, can you? Then I’m clueless about how to do it. And my Mum says it’s too early on now, that I first should start looking for some clients, and it makes me feel even more confused, ’cause how they’re going to hire me as a freelancer if I don’t have my own business. Even if it’s possible to work like this, everyone obviously wants to hire “experienced” people, and if I don’t have my own business, it definitely doesn’t even look like I’m experienced.

Then they of course want a CV, and then again I am clueless. I surely do have the knowledge in languages, I would be able to translate something, even if not from any special field, I would surely be able to translate some standard texts, and I think even specialised stuff would be manageable, it would just require more linguistic development, which is always good. But it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have any linguistic education, well any higher education either. I know about people who work as translators or proofreaders without a translatory or linguistic degree, and my Swedish teacher who knew about my possibilities and my limitations always kept telling me that it doesn’t matter how many degrees I will have, only how well I can use a language, and if I can, they can’t say I can’t. It’s true, but is it really going to convince them? What the heck should I write in my CV then?

I can give them my portfolio and show what I can do practically, but how I am supposed to make one? What sort of stuff am I supposed to put in there, with the original versions or without? Wouldn’t it be against copyright or something? What exactly should it look like? I’ve read a few articles about making portfolio, but they didn’t give much of a practical info about how to make one actually.

I tried translating some text – an excerpt from the book “Amnesia” by Andrew Neiderman, which was the book I then read, in English, and which doesn’t have a Polish translation as of yet. I got really involved, both in the book and in translation, and, although its quality may not be the best (it’s the first longer, literary thing I’ve ever translated), I still think it’s good, I translated the prologue and the whole first chapter in one sitting, my brain was crumbling and creaking but I was enormously proud of myself. My Mum read it, MY DAD read it even, and my Dad asked if I’m going to continue ’cause if so he’d like to read it whole. I told him no, that I just wanted to test myself, and have a potential something to my portfolio in the future, be it nearer or further, but then I started to think more. I thought maybe I could translate it and publish it?

But after reading a whole lot on literary translations, I got really discouraged. Many people just openly say it’s not something you could make a living with. I’m not saying I wouldn’t NEVER EVER translate a book, but right now I just don’t think it would be a good idea, my writing craftsmanship is still way too poor and I should rather start with some smaller things.

But then if I’ll get an order and something to translate or proofread, what would I do if it wouldn’t be accessible for my screenreader? Like someone may want me to translate a website, but then it turns out it’s loaded with graphic, frames and stuff, and it’s barely readable for a screen reader… Another thing is that I have no idea how the process of translating a website looks like, but well, let’s leave it. Or they’d send me a document they have in some not very accessible form? That’s just crazy. For me, the most comfortable and accessible way to write someone a translation of anything would be to make it in a Word document. Or like I saw someone’s offer saying that they have a text to translate, but they want the translation to look exactly just like the source text. Cool, but what if my screen reader won’t tell me about some things that are in the source text? Like portions of text in a different colour, font, etc.? Just bloody shit, should I give it up then? After all, being a beginning translator, it’s not me who would set conditions, they can always look for someone who would do it as they want. So I just hope that accessibiltiy isn’t an issue very often in this field, but somehow it’s hard to believe.

These are just a couple of examples of the wild paths my brain is racing through recently. It just makes me feel sick. I also feel like my AVPD is happily joining in the fun and making me feel like it’s completely not doable. Like even if it would be doable for anyone else in just the same circumstances, it’s just simply not doable for me.

It makes me feel somewhat concerned, the frequency and amount of the situations that happen in which I feel so awfully overwhelmed, like everything feels so impossible to do or feels like so much effort, I wonder recently if it might be due to my depression getting worse or something? I just feel like it affects my functioning a lot. Sometimes just getting out of the house feels not manageable. It was never something I was good at, to just get out and be around people, but lately I feel I’ve become less functional, or so it feels. I talked about this to my therapist recently, but since we’re very new to each other, and not seeing that often in practice, it doesn’t feel like anything constructive had come out of it. I wish I could talk about it to my former therapist, as she worked with me for so long and got to know me really well.

It reminds me about a sort of a daydream, or maybe an imagining, or whatever it was, that I had as a little child, I guess at the nursery, or something like this. It was night time, and I guess I wasn’t sleeping, though maybe I could and it was simply a dream, but it was repeating a few times afterwards in a very similar form. I know I at first thought how I wouldn’t like to ever be adult, that it would be far more worse to be an adult. And then I had this dream or what else it was and saw myself as an adult, in a house that I didn’t recognise, that seemed very chaotic and disorganised, I guess I was in the kitchen, there were lots of children around me, and I had this overwhelming feeling that I just don’t know what to do. Like, what to do at the moment, and in general, I just had a very strong overall sense of hopelessness and helplessness, which just struck me – that little me. I don’t know from where I got it, as my parents are and were always very resourceful, maybe it’s about all the boarding school crap and that I was often in the situations that looked very similarly to the one I mentioned above. At the same period in my life they were making a little movie about the nursery I was in, and there was a scene where they asked us about what we would like to do in life. I said I would like to be a musician, since that was what I thought I’d like to do back then and didn’t know much about other things, there was a very strong pressure at that school for students to do something with music, and then when they talked about becoming parents I said something that my family is still laughing about, me included. I said “I won’t have a baby, when women don’t want to have children, they don’t have them. If a Mum can see she can change her baby’s nappy, but I can’t see and I don’t want to paw in its poo. Daddy would have to do it but dads can’t change nappies.” And I really didn’t want to have kids, but more because of the fact that I just couldn’t imagine myself having a baby and didn’t think I could make a good mum back then, I remember I completely didn’t understand some other girls who were pretending mums all the time.

Anyway, of some more positive things, remember I was writing to a baby name expert last week to ask her some stuff about the job? SO she didn’t write back, at least not as of yet, and somehow I feel like she won’t. But yesterday I wrote to another one – who actually seems closer to me, because she doesn’t look at names only as numbers in rankings, but more like something with a deep social meaning, not only a linguistic, literal one.

So she got back to me not so long ago. and from what she wrote to me, it seems like it’s even more of a niche thing than I thought it’s in the US. among lots of other stuff, she told me I should rather try to go into writing about names, like doing something on a larger scale, not just one to one. And that seems to make sense to me.

She offered me that I could write articles about Polish names for her website, which I obviously accepted and which is soo cool to do as a start. She also suggested that I could write a blog about names, also foreign ones, for the Polish audience, which I’m thinking about intensively. also that I could write for parenting websites or magazines which we have LOADS of here. I even know one that did do a series about names in the past, but it looked quite poor if I’m honest, even then I felt like I could make it better. So that’s an idea.

also, she started her career with writing a book, that changed naming trends in the US and the way people look at names, so she said maybe I could write one for the Polish market as well, but if I’m honest, right now I don’t think we’re up for such a major change. Only a few years have passed since our naming laws have been changed, they were very strict before. So, as you may remember I wrote in one of my previous posts, many of the name ideas that are OK for an American or even British person, may be completely abstractive and ridiculous for an average Pole, like unisex names or many word names or tons of qrrhee8tiffe spellings.

We have an institution here, roughly Polish Language Council, which gives opinions to parents or registry offices or however it’s called in other countries, about names. Like if the spelling of the name is correct and appropriate for the Polish ortography standards, if it doesn’t sound ridiculing, things like this. And sometimes when I don’t have anything better to do I like to scroll through tons of creative parents’ ideas and poor council members’ very serious opinions, often on very ridiculous names. And sometimes I like to share such sensational gems with people I know, like a mum wanting to call her son Kermit.

recently I told Zofijka I’ve heard that some parents wanted to call their daughter Tulipan (Tulip). Can be a cool name in ENglish, if you like flower or nature names, I like it, or Tiwlip in Welsh, if you’re more inventive and bold, if not Welsh. But you know what was Zofijka’s reaction? She laughed like crazy, for quite a while, meanwhile entertaining us with examples of all the ridiculous situations she could come up with, in which the name Tulipan would sound funny.

‘Cause it really is funny for most of us, the more that Tulipan ends in -n, and our girl names still usually end in a, as most of all the feminine gender nouns. And you wouldn’t call your son a clearly flowery name, usually, would you?

In my opinion it’s slightly weird though, why some flower names are bad and some are good. ‘Cause we have names like RΓ³ΕΌa/Rozalia (Rose/Rosalie), Lilia/Lilianna/all the other Lil- names, a very rare Hortensja, or even – very rarely used, but still – Hiacynt and Narcyz for boys. So why not, dunno, Cynia (Zinnia), Stokrotka (Daisy), Malwa (Mallow)?

I wouldn’t say Poles are narrow-minded, ’cause it’s quite the opposite, but with names, I feel like we have still a long way to come, and I am not talking about being crazy like celebrities, just more creative and thinking out of the box. ‘Cause so far I feel like our names are repeating every 3, max 5 generations, with some slight changes.

Oh gees, what a long digression!!!!!! Sorry… but I won’t delete it, you can just skip if you want, maybe it’ll be interesting for someone haha. Yeah writing is the only thing where I can still be somehow spontaneous.

Anyway, I am so happy she wrote to me and gave me so many great suggestions, although I am sort of sad that name consulting isn’t a thing, it sounded so promising and interesting.

After her email I feel slightly more cheered up.

Sorry it’s so long, but there you have it – my mind. A virtual trophy goes to you if you’ve made it through it all hahaha.

How about yours? πŸ™‚

Tell Me Something Good.

I decided to participate in Tell Me Something Good hosted by

A Momma’s View

 

If you’d like to participate as well and share some positivity in your life with the fellow bloggers, head over to her, and take part. πŸ™‚

So, as for me, the most positive thing I guess is that my mood is pretty well recently. Like if you read my recent few posts you know there’s been a bit of a chaos in my life lately and therefore I’d been pretty low most of the time. The chaos was mainly around my luckless finals, but my family is coming to terms with the situation, and more importantly, with my decision, particularly my Mum, who is important to me. I feel now that I don’t think I’d change my decision even if she wouldn’t accept it, but since she’s like I said very important to me and her opinion usually matters to me, I am glad she’s OK with my decision.

Moreover, I feel like that incident and our raging argument on that day when we got to know I failed, has made our bond somehow even stronger, or so it feels.

Also, I’m starting to think more seriously about one of my craziest career ideas I’ve ever had. It has always hummed somewhere in the background of my brain but I didn’t think about it very seriously. For a ong time when I just dreamt about doing something like that I didn’t think it could even beΒ  possible and like legit, but now I know there are a few baby namers in the US, or maybe more that I don’t know of, but that sounds so crazily niche, I was very sceptical if such a job was actually relevant here in Poland, if anywhere at all. I’ve been helping people on boards and forums both English and Polish to find the best name for their babies, so if such forums exist, you’d think people would go there instead of paying someone to find the name for their baby, there are usually a lot of name geeks out there, or if they’re not sure, they could ask a family member for some opinion or advice… The only people that seemed like they could need a baby namer’s advice would be celebrities, who want their kids to distinguish, but don’t have enough creativity themselves, and don’t observe the trends. But now it all starts to make more sense for me.

And, again, the person who revived this idea in my mind was my Mum.

She suddenly got an idea about what I could do to make my baby naming a more special thing, particularly for more artistic/hippie parents. I won’t go into this idea now, because I don’t want to jinx it lol, and because so far it’s just plain theory and nothing more crystalised, but I really like it. I don’t think it would be my main job, I think it would rather be something with languages, I am rather sceptical that a baby namer could actually make a lot of money, even though I found sites claiming that a baby namer can earn 30000 dollars, but, hm, it seems rather ridiculous, unless their job is something more than I think. πŸ˜€ If so, that’s very interesting, I would like to know what else they do.

From there, I got another idea, and I contacted one of the AMerican baby namers I knew about, very spontaneously, particularly as for me πŸ˜€ asking her if she thinks it is actually a relevant job, if it could be of relevance in other countries and if she’d have some suggestions or hints for me as a potential baby namer, I also asked her about a bunch of other more detailed things like for example if I could also help, say, Swedish parents, because I know Swedish, have some knowledge about Swedish name trends and name conotations, but still I am not an expert in Swedish names since I don’t live there and I still have more or less outsider perspective on Swedish names and rankings.

I really love baby names and naming babies and would love to be able to do this. I would be happy if she’d write back to me, although I try not to be too optimistic about it.

So that’s my most positive thing I suppose.

Also as most of you probably know my grandparents had their 50th wedding anniversary on Saturday and had a big party as a present from their children. I was very anxious about it for various reasons, mainly social ones, but not only, but it went relatively well. I was glad of it, and although I left pretty early in comparison to most of other people and didn’t even stay for the dancing part, I was glad I went and I think the whole event went well, my grandparents seem happy. Parties are surely not my grandad’s element, but I know he was very moved they made such a great present for them, the whole party was very elegant, and my Mum says all went perfectly wel and just as planned.

Zofijka came back from her swimming camp. As much as she’s absorbing, annoying and changeable, it’s good to have her back home of course. However Misha seems to be back to his previous, timid self. Forget about sleeping on the pillow. :/ I just can’t figure out why he’s so badly scared of her. Like I understand she can be intimidating and isn’t the most delicate kid in the Earth, but is she really that scary? (…)

I know for sure we won’t be going to Sweden, which is actually not positive at all, but instead it’s very likely my parents will soon go on a trip to Szczecin (anyone eager to try to pronounce it? πŸ˜€ ). They’d go with some other of our relatives so there would be no place for none of us their children, which’s not a problem, since it looks like they’d only visit very boring places, like museums. I hate museums, I am always so terribly bored in them, and you usually visit them in summer when it’s terribly hot, and I had often the luck to faint in them. I don’t say there aren’t any interesting museums, but either way, you can rarely touch anything so I might as well stay at home watching aquarium fishes with Misha. πŸ˜€ Where I’m going to, is that then Zofijka will go for a little regenerative vacation to our grandparents, so there will be only Olek, Misha and me. Given that Olek is with his friends or at work most of the time, we’d have a blessed week just for ourselves with Misha. Maybe I’d be able to get him out of his shell again, for some longer time.

OK, that’s all from me, I guess.

What good things happened to you recently, or will happen soon? πŸ™‚

 

So I did it. And I’m back home.

I took a nap during the day which made me feel a little bit better overall. As I wrote in the previous post we’ve had a family gathering because of my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary. We went to the church, and riding was tough, but pretty manageable.
When we left to go to the restaurant for the actual party, I started to feel quite overwhelmed by the amount of people. I really don’t do well when there are so many people, not even just because of the anxiety, but it also always makes me confused, particularly if I don’t know many of those people, as it was today. It’s hard for me to communicate effectively and have any pleasure out of it when there are almost 50 people, it’s rather overwhelming. But I tried my best and I think despite not feeling secure in the situation I did pretty well.
I only stayed for dinner, then we had a photo session and then some cake and coffee. As for the eating in a large group of people issue I managed it well because I ate very little before so by the time the dinner started I was pretty hungry and didn’t focus that much on other things. And the food was really yummy.
Then my grandad came to me and asked me if I’d like to leave. I thought maybe it’s very visible that I don’t feel very well among so many people, but it turned out he asked because he had to leave for a little while anyway to bring something from the house, so he could drop on his way. My grandad as I told you before is a typical introvert and he doesn’t like to be among many people either, I know he’d rather spent today’s evening fishing or something but that’s the reality, when you have a family, sometimes you need to make compromises.
I wondered whether it’s not too early to leave, but he said it’ll be completely OK and that he knows I’d be bored so I don’t have to explain myself. It’s good when you have someone who just gets things. And it felt very kind of him to think of me.
So then there was a little fuss because one of the guests came quite belated so they all were welcoming him and stuff and so we just sneaked out.
I asked grandad how he’s feeling about the party, because I know it was actually my aunts’ idea to make it so huge and sumptuous, and he said that yes, he’d much prefer to be already in bed watching his favourite movie that is on TV today, but he was happy that his family is happy and having fun. Hm, I don’t know if I’d have such a big family of my own and they’d make such a big party in honour of mine, that I would be so dedicated and thoughtful as he is. πŸ˜€
So he left me and I’ve just got out of my party outfit, fed Misha and checked my email and I think I’ll jump into the shower now and then go to sleep straight away. I feel kinda exhausted despite that nap earlier today, I think I’m having PMS or something, it would be the time, don’t know if I’ll sleep but at least just lie in bed and read something, it’s only 8 PM. I feel lucky I don’t have to be there now when they’re dancing. But I also think I managed fairly well those four hours I’ve been there and had my anxiety under control despite it was strong.
OK, so sleep well guys, if it’s sleep time for you as well, or if not I hope you’re having a nice day. πŸ™‚

No sleep last night.

I didn’t get any sleep at all last night. It sucks. I was very anxious and jittery for some not very speciffied reason and I think that was what kept me up mainly. I’m used to such things and it wouldn’t be a big problem for me if not that party we’re having today. As I wrote a few days before it’s my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary today and they will have a very big party with 48 people, with a big dinner and dancing. It makes me very anxious, plus honestly I just don’t feel like going there and if it weren’t my maternal grandparents I’d probably find some excuse, parties are deadly boring. And so much stuff about them makes me horribly anxious. All the people I don’t know, yes they’re my family, but I don’t know many of those who’ll be there, many are distant family. I feel sick in the crowds and any sort of noisy areas. I genuinely hate dancing, particularly with people I don’t know that well. I don’t think I’ll be dancing a lot but still I don’t like it. I hate eating in a big group of people. And it will be a completely unfamiliar area for me because they’re making it in a restaurant. Also before we go there, we’ll be going to the church that is my grandparents’ church that they go to, that we previously belonged to before we moved here. I like going to my grandparents usually but what always scares me about it and often makes me avoid it is… the road. It often happens that riding is a bit hard for me because of my labyrinthum issues. I get dizzy very easily while riding, which in turn makes my anxiety stronger, so sometimes getting places may be a little bit exhausting. It’s a bit like motion sickness, but not quite the same, it’s a bit hard for me to describe the exact sensation and how it feels, it’s a bit weird thing to feel and not pleasant at all, sometimes shitty to deal with. Usually it’s hard but manageable as I mostly got used to it, but ugh, the road to my grandparents’… there are a lot of potholes on the way to their house – they live in the village and this road goes through the forest and is absolutely horrid, everyone complains about it, not just me. Therefore I really hate going to them because it’s exhausting to go through that shit back and forth. And to go to their church you also need to drive the same road. I always sit on the front seat when we go to them but even then it’s always quite a nasty trip and I’m light-headed for quite a while afterwards. It generally really pisses me off because there doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it, so I generally try to ignore it, but it always makes me very anxious.

And that all with lacking sleep on top, ugh. I find it hard to manage anxiety with no sleep, and today seems to be a lot of anxiety at once. I am going to take my extra anti-anxiety pill and hope for the best, that seems to be all I can do at the moment. I’ll try to enjoy it and have the anxiety under control as much as possible, and I hope being around so many people at once won’t make my mood slip down again. Paradoxically, i often feel much more lonely among people, which in my opinion is actually far worse than feeling lonely while on your own, and this feeling often causes my mood to drop and I feel overwhelmed. I really hope that won’t be the case today. After all there will also be many people I quite like, so I hope I’ll be able to find it even just a little enjoyable.

Mum knows I hate dancing parties and crowds and she says maybe someone will be able to give me a lift earlier. She said she’d like to drop me home herself but she is one of the main organisers so she has to be there and she doesn’t think she’d be able to leave for a while. I suppose though that my grandad may need to leave earlier, he may like family gatherings but he’s almost as much of an introvert as me and as far as I know him he usually needs at least a little break from the people. I hope someone will be so nice for me because it is supposed to last until 3 AM, so really quite long I think, I don’t think many people would stay that long. I think Zofijka will also leave much earlier so we’ll probably go together, she usually goes to sleep around 10 PM.

By the way Zofijka’s coming back from the swimming camp today. She’s on the way home now. I’m curious what she’ll have to say about it.

So yeah, a bit of a rough day today for me, but it’s just one day and I hope it passes soon without too much shit.

Feeling better.

Yes. I am still depressed and sick of many things, but definitely not as overloaded with feelings and triggered as yesterday. I feel like I owe you some clarification of what exactly happened, so I’ll try to do my best, I hope it’ll also help me to see things even more clear, it may be a little lengthy though and I need to warn you I am talking a bit about suicide ideations later on.

Basically my Mum was really pressuring that I should rewrite the math exam, and that was how all the stuff has started for me. I feel like before I go into details, I should clarify that generally my Mum isn’t one of those poor parents who want their kids to meet their expectations and be perfect, absolutely not, that would be unfair to say she’s like this. I guess it was just hard for her to understand some things, and accept what happened. As I wrote you yesterday she knew before we got the results that I’m not gonna do it, that because of my always very shitty math results I’m only gonna take it once and think of it as a sort of try, not take it too seriously, like something of great life importance, as most people do. If it goes well, then brilliant. I’ll be happy, but if not, I’ll just let it go, because then I’ll know it’s just not for me. People say your finals are important to your further education/career in a way, and that’s true, but not for me. The things I really can picture myself doing in life, as a job, that I know I’d be happy doing, and that would be doable for me, knowing my physical and emotional limitations, would be something to do with languages or writing, most likely at home/online. I honestly can’t picture myself going to a traditional uni at the stage I am now, because I wouldn’t be able to commute on my own, I’d have to have someone driving me back and forth, my anxiety in big groups of people can be very intense and can make my functioning pretty shitty. This was also a partial reason why I finally chose to self-teach at home at my last school, the one I’ve graduated from in May. Also I just have no idea what could or should I study. I already speak a few languages and plan to learn more, but I can do it without going to any sort of school just fine, or even better, no one has to adjust to me and I don’t have to adjust to any class, just can learn what I want, when I want, at my own pace, which, honestly, I think is faster than people have on traditional courses, and my vocabulary is more extensive. I could study linguistics, or translation studies, but if I know a language, I can be a translator without them. Sure it’s better to have a paper attesting your knowledge, but nothing can proove it better than just myself, if, let’s say, I’d translate a book, and it’ll be written in a good language and well overall, who will have the right to tell me I can’t make it because I don’t have some shitty piece of paper? That’s what my Swedish teacher told me, and honestly I didn’t look at it before this way, but as he said it, my mind somehow opened wider and I realised that it’s really true, and I should be happy that I have some gift for languages, or at least that it’s something I really like doing, instead of overthinking on all the things I can’t or don’t want to do but feel like I should. I really liked his unconventional and fresh way of looking at everything. As you know I also thought about doing Celtic studies online (or linguistics or translation studies online), but it would be more as a hobby then really.

Back to my Mum. I think she was shocked by that news that I failed maths. I think that was what caused her reaction. She is a big optimist and tries to be always looking forward for the best, no matter what and what the chances are. I was this way too as a kid, but luckily for me, I am no longer so, and it’s much easier. It’s not that I always see things black, or catastrophise (although yes, very often), it’s more like my pessimism is defensive. Like I try to be prepared for the worst and then if the best happens, I can be really happy. But my Mum clung to her hopes and good wishes and I think it struck her a bit. She just couldn’t get it that I am not going to rewrite it. We were both very insistent, we had a quarrel about it. She was saying that it won’t make me any harm if I’ll take it once again, if I did it the last time just to try then I can try this time again, that I’ll be surely less stressed because I’ve already been through that, that I should be more courageous… I could understand her perfectly, but it couldn’t change my mind. I felt like she doesn’t understand my position in this at all. Yes, I could rewrite it. Let’s assume that indeed it would be less stressful for me because of familiarity of the situation, that all the other stuff would be OK. But I just can’t believe that after all those years I’ve been learning that stupid math, and got only 16% on the exam, I would be able to suddenly rewrite it with the score of minimum 30% after two months of learning. I don’t even have the motivation, for the reasons I wrote about before. And no, it’s not true I wouldn’t be stressed. i would be even more, whatever it says about my resilience, I know it’s shitty. ‘Cause what if I fail again? Would they want me to rewrite it again, just to try, ’cause who knows, maybe this time I’ll succeed? I can imagine my mat tutor. She’s a very nice person, but she had hell with me, and vice versa. I haven’t talked with her since before the finals but I suppose she’s very disappointed with me, with all the efforts she’s put in me. Do I want to go through it again, and disappoint her again? Not because she’s particularly important to me but you generally don’t like to disappoint people if they do their best to help you, right? The last thing I want to do this year is see her again every week, discuss why I failed, learn all the stuff again, with both of us greatly discouraged and stressed. I still remember all those hours we spent together during weeks directly before the finals. She finally decided that she can’t help me with the tasks as much as she did before and guide me through everything, say if I do things right or wrong, because there will be no one with me on the exam who will help me and I will have to do things on my own obviously. So she gave me a task, and I had to do it on my own. She just sat there in silence, not giving me any hints or anything. I was telling her everything I did, or actually didn’t do, just trying to do it different way and sooner or later discovering it’s wrong or that I don’t know how to wriggle out of where I was and what to do next. Guys, we had 2 HOURS together! I was sitting with it for an hour, and didn’t do practically nothing. It was nerve wracking for me although I kept smiling and laughing at myself and tried to seem to have a light attitude to things, but I just wanted to cry and fall into pieces. Honestly the only thing that I think helped me to not fall apart and give up completely was Misha, who was sitting next to me consistently like never before, as if he knew I need him desperately. And my poor tutor could barely stand it, I mean the situation, not Misha, I just could sense how frustrated she is and how her patience is coming to an end. Finally she gave up and told me how I should do it. And then there were many similar situations when we tried to do the same, with pretty similar endings, sometimes I was able to do something, more or less, but always was finally stuck somewhere for good until she enlightened me. After that lesson I actually laughed, not cried, because of an outsider’s perspective it surely could be very funny to observe us, but it felt scary and enormously stressing and I don’t want to (and don’t see any sense in it) go through this anymore. Of course I didn’t tell Mum about it, she has no full idea of how much of a nightmare our lessons were, my tutor was telling her often that I am not doing well or something, but since I am adult there was no reason to update her on everything as she always does with Zofijka.

Besides, MS. Smelly Maggie – the headmistress of that school for the blind where I took the finals! That’s I guess my main stressor. If you are new to my blog and don’t know anything about MS. Maggie, I’ve written a lot about her in May, but basically she was a nightmare, I can honestly say that in my whole life I hadn’t met a more jerky and intentionally rude person, I had a nasty encounter with her after one of the exams and it has taken me weeks to clear the mess she made in my brain. I don’t want to see the bitch anymore. I know she wished me that I’d fail it. She told me she “really hopes for the best for me” with such a tone that wouldn’t leave you with any doubts, but that if I won’t get the 30%, I should go to their school, do something else there meanwhile, and then I can rewrite it next year. When my Mum joined that discussion and tried to intervene when I was already too fucked up to say anything constructive, she said she knows I have already got over my boarding school trauma if I had any and I can go to theirs with no problem, the problem is just with me, and with my Mum who “imagines things that aren’t real about me”. Someone who said such things among others to us despite not knowing neither of us for more than 10 minutes. What could I expect her to say next time I see her? Other than that, she already knows about my “unfortunate accident” and called my Mum to say she is “looking forward” to see me in August and was very surprised when Mum told her about my decision and told her I have the time to 6 July to change my decision.

But I didn’t tell Mum about my concerns and how stressful it would be for me. I just kept telling her that I’ve already made my decision months ago and now I’m not gonna change my mind. I told her I don’t see any point in doing it because having my finals completed and passed and getting certifficate won’t change anything for me. Mum kept saying that I don’t know, that I don’t know what waits for me in the future, that I may regret it later on.

That’s true. I may. I now don’t think I will, but who knows. I understand her concerns and that she is worried about me. But if I’ll really find something – some studies I want to take, or a job that requires higher education and that would be particularly suitable for me – after five years, why can’t I write it all again then? I’ll be much more motivated, and even if it’d happen after 5 years, after which you’d have to pass all the exams again to get the certifficate, you have 5 years for a rewrites, so if it would happen after 5 years, I can happily write everything all over again. I’d do it much happier than I’d do now, I’d have some deeper purpose to it.

Mum says that until that time I’d already forget everything, that I’d have to learn again.

I’m sure not. I have a lot of knowledge about Polish literature from school and not only from school, and I don’t think I could forget it that easily. I’d just have to repeat some things. Same with English, well better actually. And as for Maths, I already don’t know anything. SO what’s the difference? Maybe only slight difference is that if I’d have a purpose, I could do better at maths and maybe get to that 30%. Although it’s hard for me to imagine it.

It’s generally hard for me to imagine a situation where I find some very good job or studies that are just for me and that I could do and be successful at, but maybe it’s my AVPD speaking and I shouldn’t let it.

And you know what’s another thing? When someone forces me to do something, pressures on me, doesn’t listen to my arguments or tries to prove for all means they’re wrong and I should do what they say, it… it just scares the shit out of me… You know, I’ve had tons of nightmares throughout my life, one just last night, evolving around that motive – someone forces me to do something, and I can’t, I don’t want, it’s scary like shit what they want from me, but I for some reason can’t persuade them I can’t do it, or can’t refuse at all. I’ve had such situations happening to me in boarding school, I don’t want to go into details right now. But it all just triggers me. I only want to scream and shout and cry and feel like having a massive meltdown and I can’t cope with it, I can’t form sensible arguments, I feel attacked and overwhelmed, and… I just can’t manage it. Even little things evolving around someone being very insistent make me feel quite upset and uncomfortable easily. Like when I was a teen even little suggestions expressed with some more pressing tone, could make me feel upset and irritated. Now I cope better with little things – my Dad is a kind of guy who likes to persuade things to people and make them think how he thinks so I just had to get used to the little things – but I am still not perfectly at ease with them and things on such a large scale like that fuss with the exams was way more than I could stand not getting all unsettled. Honestly I can’t remember any such intensive arguement that I could have with anyone over the past few years, I despise all the yelling and raging at each other without any deeper sense to it, I don’t think it can lead anywhere, but… it just happened, faster than I could think, and we started to shout and were both fumin’. My Mum isn’t the kind of person who often would impose something on you, but I felt very hemmed and very very triggered. So that I actually felt lots of separate feelings, like sort of disintegration as I wrote yesterday, which I sometimes do experience and which is always so very bizarre.

And so as that talk or argue progressed I felt more hopeless and overflowed with feelings, finally Mum left and it looked like she gave up.

Lots of my family members have texted or called either me or Mum to ask how I did and they all were so pitiful… As if someone had died and they expressed their condolence. It felt ridiculous and annoying and I had a hard time to stand it. And they also were so insistent – “but why won’t you try again?”. At some point it was just a miracle I didn’t snap out at poor people, I guess they asked with the good intentions, but I just couldn’t stand it. Particularly my catastrophising gramma was making me enraged.

At some point my grandad came with eggs – he sells eggs and to us as well when we need – and although I was in my room and was locked and didn’t want to see anyone, I could hear them talking about me and my Mum being very upset, and I guess even crying. I had to let Misha out because he meowed so I heard some bits of their talk. Then I heard that someone was walking upstairs to me and I guess knocking on the door –
I’m not sure because as soon as I’ve heard someone approaching I’ve set my darkest Finnish metal playlist on the full volume on the headphones to not hear anyone talking anymore about the fricken exams. I thought it was my Mum, but it was my grandad, as it turned out later on.

I’ve heard from Mum then when he left that he thinks the same as I do. It felt so good that at least someone understands, or tries to understand me, and thinks the same. I was afraid he won’t, he’s such an intellectual generally. My grandad has always stood by my side, literally, no matter what, and I was seriously afraid it might not be so this time. But then I thought that he’s absolutely not objective. He would support me and stand by me I guess even if I killed a man in the most brutal way you can imagine. I can imagine him saying that it wasn’t what I really wanted to do or that he still believes in me and that sure if I did it, I had a solid reason. That’s my grandad. Like if any of you have read “Emily Of New Moon”, he’s just like her cousin Jim in this regard hahaha he always makes me think about him, I mean Jim about my grandad. I was his first granddaughter and my disability and being away from home for years have I guess made him even more dedicated and attached to me and favouring me over his other grandchildren.

and when I realised he’s not objective, I started to panic even more.

Maybe Mum is right? Maybe they all are right? They probably are. There are more of them, and they can think rationally about it, while I can’t? What if I will really regret it? Do they all feel disappointed with me? Maybe I should change my mind? Is it about me being not resilient enough? Not courageous enough? Squeamish? Would other people in the same situation do it? Maybe I should just try more and be more serious about this whole thing? Maybe I’m too lazy? Faking AVPD to have an excuse? Maybe Maggie is right in all she said to me? She culdn’t say it without a reason, could she? Should I make such a big deal out of it?

Just this sort of questions and much more self defeating and self loathing thoughts circulated and exploded and overloaded my brain.

I realised that what I would like the most would be if someone could look at the situation really objectively. Understanding and knowing my perspective, and knowing the objective exam situation. I didn’t want people to tell me that I should rewrite it just because people always do so when they fail an important and deciding exam, I also didn’t want people to behave like my grandad and tell me what I wanted to hear if it’s not what’s true and objective. But I doubt anyone can tell me what I should do objectively and basing on my own situation. Is there any objectivity actually? I am just curious what would other people do in my place.

So yeah yesterday was incredibly rough. My feeling triggered and depressed has spread much wider and it stopped being just about exams and my future. I just felt like a piece of shit overall and everything was scary and hopeless and… well, it was just horrid. I was actually feeling suicidal, because I felt so conflicted because of this situation and so overloaded because of the argue with Mum, I just didn’t see any way out. It was actually the first time since a very long time that I was really pretty suicidal and had a lot of suicidal ideations. I feel horrified when I think about it now because at one moment I was so close to do something just in an impulse. I was going to sleep with Misha, and wanted to take my sleeping pill, because I was just all shaky and stuff. I took her, and I just had one short moment when I thought I’d take all of the meds I had in my room. It wasn’t much. I had some sleeping pills, anxiolitics and pain killers and allergy pills, but it wasn’t a lot of it in total. And that was what saved me. Because as I thought about it, my emetophobia came to the surface and told me that if I take this, I’d rather end up in the hospital on the detox than dead. And And it was then I fully realised what I just wanted to do. WHat a shit. It feels very scary now, I haven’t done such things for ages, and surely not so impulsively. It feels like a huge regress. Should I be thankful to my fucking emetophobia?

Today, I can see things a little bit more clearly, and I’m not feeling as much different shitty things at once.

I think my Mum’s outlook on things is different now.

I actually had a little talk with her about it today too, a bit calmer. It was incredibly hard for me, because I had to open up to her a bit about how I feel about that shit, I mean why I feel like rewriting that exam is pointless. I had to reveal to her a bit more of my AVPD self who usually stays locked inside of me away from normal people and so that I can pretend better or worse that I am normal or more normal than I am. Then I also told her that yes, it does, and certainly will, feel weird to me, to know several languages, be, say, a translator, maybe translate Vreeswijk, which would be like a HUUUGE THING and not have any higher education. But it’s nothing major I think. It will give me a harder kick in the ass and motivate me to actually try to be better than all the linguists that have the honour to be well educated and have lots of letters after their surnames. And she actually agreed with me and she told me we can stop talking about it and end the topic if I want and that she won’t urge me.

Of course, it doesn’t look exactly that very lovely as I said Mum and I am still, as always, very full of doubts as for my future, will I really manage to be a translator? Can I actually do anything else than that pseudo job at my Dad’s? But if other people, particularly my Mum, will stop analysing that bloody exam, if I’ll try hard, I hope I’ll manage. Life will always feel scary for me, no matter what, but this way much less.

Still though, I wonder, maybe I should rewrite it? Maybe it’s like giving up? Maybe I should just grit my teeth and go through it, and maybe I’d pass it and then have more possibilities in life? Maybe I’m selfish in some way not wanting to do what they suggest me?

I have a question for you guys. If you decide to answer it for me, please, be honest, whatever your thoughts are. I won’t be resentful or anything, I want to know what other people think.

My question is – if you can imagine my situation, as I wrote about it and as you know it and me from my previous posts – and if you were in the same situation, what would you do? Would you strive to improve your results and have more chances for future, and not disappoint people that are close to you? Would you want to challenge yourself more and see the point in it? Or would you do as I hope to do and focus on your good sides, not dive into that very anxiety provoking thing again?

I’m not asking you that question in search for advice. You won’t be responsible for what I’ll do, I won’t change my decision most likely, they need to have people signed up for rewrites until Friday and that’s way too little time for my introverted and overanalysing brain which is very sluggish recently. I just simply want to know what other people’s attitudes would be, I don’t know, maybe something will inspire me. πŸ˜€ I suppose it’s crazy to ask people about such things as it may be a little abstractive for others, I guess, but if you have any thoughts on this, please share.

It’s interesting how I feel even better now after writing it all, looks like it makes a difference whether you’re writing in a diary or blogging? I feel much lighter now if I’m honest.

Question of the day.

How are you feeling, today?

My answer:

First let me give you a little background, particularly for those who are my newer followers, but also for you all to update you on what has happened.

I’ve got my finals results today. They’re pretty much as I supposed them to be. I got 49% from Polish. Could be better, but it’s OK, given that it was my first exam in a row and how stressed I was and that some questions were a bit weird and I just didn’t know how I should answer them the best and what they actually expect from me. English – 92% – I thought it would be pretty high. Extended English was 82%. I also know I could do it better, but it’s still a very good score, and I’m happy about it, and I suppose that the reason why I didn’t make it better was that when I was writing an essay one of the teachers in the committee talked something constantly to me which really distracted me and pissed me off, while the essay was the most important part of the stuff. And, now, dear people, maths. There was 30% minimum to get to pass it. Being said many times how spectacular I am at failing anything Math related, and how much of a wreck I was then emotionally, how do you think? How much could I get?

……….. *drumroll*

… 16% Lovely, innit? πŸ˜€ How could I nail it so! No, seriously, I’m curious how I got that 16% I just felt so totally brainwashed during that exam.

I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh when my Mum told me it in the morning, but because I supposed it to be so, and because I cried over those things way too much in the past, I just snorted. I took it very lightly ad my Mum noticed it of course. She said “I see you don’t care at all” – Maybe not at all – I said – but I thought and cared about it so long before and I knew it would be so. Or I supposed so.

Don’t get me wrong, of course I would love to get a higher score at it, at least that minimum 30%, just to have it done, it’s sure not a nice feeling to fail so spectacularly at such an exam, I feel sorta disappointed even though I expected it to be this way. But as I said, I expected it, I was pretty sure that despite that miracle I wrote about in May about my oral Polish exam when I just passed it with 100% another miracle can’t happen in this case, I just didn’t write enough, I just didn’t do how to do many of the tasks so I just left them, or completely improvised, just to write anything and not make the committee suspicious about my knowledge, it’s not their business to judge me, it would look weird if I’d give them back blank pages, so have to write anything, in hopes maybe something will enlighten me and it will be right, that’s how I did it. Despite years of preparations. And another thing is that I just haven’t any speciffic, just ANY plans for the future. I just don’t know anything what I would like and could do at the same time. Might seem weird for you knowing how much things interest me etc. but that’s the truth. It feels pretty hopeless when you think about it more, but I got used to it. I wanted to study Celtic Studies if I’d pass the finals, and that would be cool, but that would be just for studying, what could I do here after Celtic studies? Can’t think of many things. Moving anywhere doesn’t seem a real option so far either. It all’s generally very complicated.

Anyway, my Mum didn’t really set her mind and prepared emotionally to the fact I may not pass, despite I told her it’s pretty likely and she was worried, but clung to some little hope she had. And now she’s making lots of fuss about it. I already told everyone interested much longer before the finals that I am just taking them to check myself and my abilities, to see if I can pass all the exams and that I’m gonna try to look at it as lightly as possible, and that I’m not gonna rewrite maths if I fail it, unless I’ll have only a few points less from the minimum, then maybe I could try again. But otherwise it’s pointless, if I wasn’t able to prepare well enough in all those years, what can I do until taking it again, it would be pretty unlikely I would pass it the second time. And they seemed OK with it. But now my Mum can’t get it that I’m not gonna take maths again. No one seems to accept it.

Of course she notified everyone who asked her how I did and they all are so pitiful and so insistent, everyone has handfuls of good advices for me, but they just don’t get it from my perspective. They can’t, and I don’t expect it from them, but I also don’t expect and don’t need all that fuss they make and how they all feel for me more than I do for myself.

The situation with the exams and various people really getting the shit out of me started lots of other stuff going on for me emotionally today, not directly related to exams thing at all. I just slipped into a sort of AVPD and depressive hell.

So, finally, as for how I feel, I don’t have many words for it. Shitty. Like a depressed pile of stinky and sticky shit. I’m sick of my own brain and of people and of everything, I actually think I’m triggered in some way, and I just feel too many things that I don’t even know how to describe, and very different things, as if I was a bit disintegrated emotionally, so I can’t write much about it now. I’ll maybe write more in length later on, tomorrow or something, or maybe it’ll become more manageable TO COPE WITH BY MYSELF, but right now I just don’t have that many words I could use for my feelings, and I’m going to try to sleep in a while even though it’s JUST 10 PM, to shut off my brain for as long as possible and because I just feel so wiped out physically, and I’m afraid that if I’ll stay awake much longer I might end up self harming or something because I just can’t cry or anything and I need to get it out somehow but I can’t, so maybe sleep will help. I think I’d give up much earlier and cut but as you may remember my grandparents’ have their 50th wedding anniversary on Saturday and it would be hard for me to cut so that no one would notice it then because I have a dress with exposed arms and it’s not that very long either, plus it may be hot on Saturday so a lot of my skin would be exposed. So that’s I guess the only one reason why I haven’t done it yet because the urge’s pretty strong. I don’t want anyone to notice and I don’t want to do it to my grandad, particularly not now. He seems to be the only one who still at least tries to understand me, believes in me and stands by my side, although he’s not objective either, because he has ALWAYS supported me no matter what the circumstances were like and I think he would still stand by my side even if I did something really objectively morally disgusting.

I am sorry it’s all a little chaotic, the situation is pretty complicated and I’ll write more details about it later on, if I’ll find the right words and if I’ll still feel like doing it. I hope I didn’t worry anyone with my self harm urges, I promise you guys I won’t do anything today, I think I’m too exhausted. It’s just all so overwhelming. I wouldn’t think it would be so. I wanted it to be a nice day, regardless of what my results will be like. But it was gross.

How are you doing? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

When was the last time you were really angry?

My answer:

It was last month, during my finals, during that notorious encounter with the headmistress of that school where I passed them. I was just so angry I could barely keep it inside, I was tampin’ fumin’ ragin’, to use my favourite expression,, I was triggered,frustrated, sad, hurt, overwhelmed, scared, all and more at once. And I couldn’t get over it for days, and I still feel very weird and awful when I recall it. I am very lucky I had my Dad who was driving me back and forth for all the finals so I didn’t have to stay in their boarding school at nights and deal with her more than necessary, and when we once did stay in Bydgoszcz we went to the hotel and had fun thanks to him being so much at our disposal, otherwise it could be really a horrific experience, also more practically because from what we heard about rooms in that boarding school and the living conditions there, it didn’t look very appealing, particularly for my Mum. She was indignant that they call their rooms “cells”, even at the boarding school where I was learning they had “guestrooms” (and the school was led by nuns, so… well…). Anyway, anytime I had to see that bitch afterwards before and after any exam I was just feeling absolutely raging and it is pure luck for both of us, I think, that I’m so excellent at bottling up emotions so she didn’t have to deal with my rage and I didn’t put myself in trouble. πŸ˜€ I’m so so sooooo happy it’s over. I might see her once more if I’ll pass the written exams and will have to go there once again to receive the certifficate, but then the circumstances would be completely different, so it won’t be so tough. And if I won’t pass, then I won’t see her at all, and she won’t have anything to say about it, although I suppose she would really like to put in her two pennies worth if she got a chance, assuming from her earlier comments and behaviours towards me and my Mum.

When was the last time for you? πŸ™‚

Boo. :( What a pity.

I’ve just felt a little disappointed. Well it’s nothing big, actually I started to laugh at myself afterwards, but thought I’d share with you how much of a freaky Jackophile I am.
Just got through a stately pile of comments arising in my spam folder since quite a while already. By the way sometimes such comments can be really intriguing. Some look like excerpts from some weird books, some are in French or Portuguese or other Romance languages, well maybe I should feel honoured that someone thinks I’m so well-read I can even speak Portuguese. πŸ˜€ I’ve also come across some laudatory hymns in honour of my blog completely unrelating to my content, bestudded with horrific amounts of bizarre looking links. And there is that current epidemic of “what” comments which hadn’t omitted my blog either.
Anyway, clearing up all that shit, I stumbled upon one comment… or actually, commenter, commenter’s name, that made my brain turn upside down and short circuit. Jacek? Jacek? How’s that possible. Looks like I really attract all the Jac- people and vice versa. Wow, how lovely. Not only that he’s Jacek, but also if he’s Jacek, he is for 99,9% Polish, or at least of Polish descent, there haven’t been any Polish people to my blog so far apart from my Mum who hasn’t a clue what it’s on about and only looks around when I ask her whether everything looks decent. He commented on the post I’ve written on ENya’s birthday. Oh wow, does he like Enya? That’s way too good. How could it land in the spam? It’s like throwing diamonds to the cesspool! And his website seems quite neat, and in Polish. It was called music calendar. Oh, so so thrilled and curious what he wrote to me. I scrolled down to see his very ambitious, elaborate and relevant comment just to see the only thing he has to say was… “What”
I just felt so pissed off. Well that is completely meaningless, but… Jacek… πŸ˜₯ I feel like someone is making fun of me and my Jackophilia. πŸ˜€

Disappear.

Oftentimes, I feel the need to just disappear. Even just for a while. Just so that I can have time to set my messy brain in order, and start to function properly, or at least as well as I can, again, to recharge.

When I was living away from home at the boarding school for years, the only place I could go to to have a guarantee I’ll be absolutely alone was… the restroom. Sometimes I was just going there to calm down the chaos of my mind, or just to be alone for a while, but often I did it if I wanted to talk to someone on the phone privately. Of course, I could just wait until there will be a moment when there will be no one else in my bedroom than me, but it was a rare occasion and usually then, I was out too, or was busy, plus, when you really need to talk to someone, you need it just now. So, yeah, usually, when I talked to my Mum, or anyone else from my family, or my therapist, I did it in the loo. I hated it, because the sound echoed there so much and the privacy was minimal because anyone could hear you if they only wanted or if there was quieter outside for a while. But still you had more space than usually in our bedrooms, where there were at least three people living together if not more. Needless to say lots of people often wondered or even asked me what I do so often and for so long in the loo, but I didn’t care and if it was necessary, I was happy to satisfy them with some convincing enough excuses. Later on, I’ve found some other hideouts for myself, where I could just disapear, and feel better afterwards, or just demonstrate my rebellion or frustration by escaping there. I found LD and OOBE very entertaining. And some time later I started to use Doses (sound drugs). I was living half in my own world, made entirely of dreams, imaginings and hallucinations. I loved it there. Only that as it showed later on, there was also a much darker side to that beautiful world, which I tried to ignore. Without going into ethical stuff, as I talked a bit about it before, I can just say it messed up with my brain a little in a longer perspective.

When I got outa there, I was awfully depressed all the time, well I was before too, obviously, but when I got home I fuly realised it because before it happened, I simply didn’t have time to be depressed and I just had to live on. So when I got home and my depression set free, so to say, after so many years of being well hidden, it just struck me with its intensivity. And it was hard to cope with it. So again, I wanted to disappear, hide, run away from my freaky brain. And what I mostly did back then was sleep. Even my sleep paralysis nightmares were sometimes better than my depressed reality.

Now as I got relatively better, I still need to disappear at times. Not only when I’m depressed, but just to stay healthy and recharge my brain from time to time. Well actually I need it quite often, particularly after a lot of stuff happening or a lot of social interactions, doesn’t matter whether good or bad. Then I disappear into another world I’ve created for myself. I don’t always need to be long in there to feel better. Sometimes I just lay down with Misha, very close to him, and listen to all the sounds inside of him, cuddle into his silky fur, feel his little, warm and springy body under my hands. That feels very grounding and soothing. Other times I’ll lock my room, put the headphones on and flow away to Dreamland, a world constructed entirely of my favourite music, and my daydreams. Sometimes I just listen to the music and let my thoughts flow freely, sometimes I only focus on the music and other sensory stuff around me if I want to ground more, sometimes though I go deep into my dreams. I dream about very different things. From those very simple ones to some completely out of my reach, to very exciting ones, to ones that are actually fantastic. Sometimes I dream about stuff I really would like to happen some day, and sometimes about things that I’d rather prefer to stay in Dreamland, so that I can go away from them or come back to them whenever I want. daydreaming feels frustrating sometimes, if you feel like you’ll just never ever be able to make come true any of your dreams, you aren’t even sure if you want it, but most of the time, it feels gorgeous. As Enya sings: “Dreams are more precious than gold” so why not to cherish them? You can always emeerge from the waters of Dreamland if you want to, but you know it’s still there and you can float back there if you only want. And sometimes I listen to music and write something, be it my diary, a blog post, a short story, or just my lose thoughts. And then, I’m able to handle things more effectively. As there are no devices that would be a perpetum mobile, same applies to people. Everyone needs to recharge, and as it is with all kinds of devices, we also vary from each oter and so different rechargers fit us. πŸ˜€

Another time when I want to disapear, and that’s a rather common thing for all of us I guess, is when something triggers my anxiety suddenly. Be it social situations, crowds, some sounds, or speciffic things that always make me anxious and almost or completely freak out. Like yesterday. Since a few days, there was something stinking awfully on our backyard. We had a doghouse on our backyard, although we don’t have a dog nowadays, but the doghouse is still there just in case. And the smell seemed to come from there. Yesterday my Dad was doing stuff around the backyard and finally he just went there to see what it is stinking so horribly. It was just like a carrion smell. So he came closer and here’s what he saw – a dead cat lied wrapped in the cover that previously was our poor dog’s, Bobby’s. My Dad removed it and ran into the house. At the same time I was going downstairs to the kitchen, I wanted to pour myself a glass of orange juice that my Mum made. And I heard him falling in like a storm. I only managed to ask what’s up and then I heard some very scary and disquieting sounds from the bathroom. He was throwing up. I can imagine now how disgusting that view had to be. I wanted to disapear! Run away! Into the kitchen, back to my room, wherever. Wanted to scream so loud that I wouldn’t hear him doing it. But I just froze. And that was the worst thing I could do. I just couldn’t move. Just stood there on the stairs not able to do anything. I could only move when he was done with it. But luckily he was OK afterwards and it was just a single incident.

Are there times when you want to disappear? Do you do it then? Where do you go? What do you do there? πŸ™‚

 

After the psychiatric assessment.

So as you probably already know, I had an appointment with the psychiatrist today to finally diagnose my dysthymia and talk about my possible AVPD. It all went much quicker than I would expect.

As I said yesterday, I was lucky, because I saw the same psychiatrist who saw me after I left the boarding school, who helped me to get individual learning for one year that I had until finishing the stage of education on which I was then, and who diagnosed me with reactive depression. She was very understanding for me and also for my Mum, and I got along with her so I was glad I could see her again as she already knew my story. It was my Mum’s idea to ask her whether she could assess me, because she was the one who first thought that I may have dysthymic disorder and because she already knew most basic things about me. I wouldn’t think she’d agree and have time for me, she works mostly with children, but she agreed.

Also my therapist Monika – the one with whom I have phone check-ins with – came for this appointment.

There was a lot discussed. She wanted to know how I’ve been doing during those four years since going out of the boarding school and then seeing her, so we brought up a lot of things and issues, but very basically I told her I’m of course much better now and less depressive, but I feel like I’m not really stable and struggling a lot with anxiety, plus my depression, althugh is definitely not as overwhelming as back then, is still soundly in place. The last time I saw her, I told her I think it’s my normal to be always more or less depressive, since I just was this way for as long as I could remember. She told me it’s certainly not the way I am, but how my surroundings and life circumstances have shaped me and that she thinks that when I’ll be in more friendly environment where I feel safe I will get better, however she read that I have hypothyroidism so she said I’d have to regulate it, because it’s commonly known that low thyroid hormones can make you depressive. And then she said that if depression will persist for abut four years, I probably would need to be treated for persistent depressive disorder. So I told her my thyroid hormones are pretty reasonable most of the time now, and I’m still low most of the time. I explained to her that it’s manageable and I can still enjoy things, but I often feel like everything is absolutely meaningless, am sad, hopeless, and frustrated with life and myself, I still have self harm urges, although not as often as in the past, and suicidal thoughts are still present somewhere in the background of my life, they’re never very strong, but they are there most of the time. I told her I can live normally most of the time but every few weeks have times when I feel so very flat and overwhelmed and it’s really hard to be normal then if even possible, not only because of my mood being so low and everything seeming overwhelming, but also of my energy being extremely low and that I get terribly exhausted very easily. And it always lasts for about a week. We talked about my mood in detail and how it is shifting and whether I’ve noticed any particular patterns in it. She also talked with my therapist who knows me for years and knows a lot about me and how I function. I also mentioned her about my self esteem being shitty and my feelings of inadequacy, and my therapist said an interesting and rather striking thing for me, that to be correct, we should actually say my self esteem is closer to non existent than low. I told them that actually that’s how it was before, but now I feel like it isn’t as very low as it was for example even two years ago. So we got deeper into it for quite a while. My Mum told the psychiatrist that she thinks that althugh I may seem gloomy, if she wouldn’t be my Mum, she would have a hard time believing I can have depression, because although it has improved slightly over the years and I am much better at talking/writing about feelings to people I feel safe with, I still stifle most of my emotions in interactions with other people. I told her I’m still scared of showing my feelings, and that actually now I’ve been bottling them up for so long that even if I want to express them, sometimes I just can’t and I’m very confused as for how to actually do it and that is frustrating and makes me feel even more inadequate ’cause I know very well what I feel but releasing it is another thing sometimes even putting it into words may take me quite a while. I mentioned to her how scary is for me processing some things from the past or even thinking about them, like about the roots of my anxieties, about which I don’t know much. I feel kinda conflicted because I want to get rid of it and know what it actually is and why, but I am afraid of uncovering it much much more.

And from that we moved on to those last events that led my Mum to the conclusion that I was actually emotionally abused for most of my childhood and how I find it still hard and uncomfortable to think about my past experiences as “traumatic”, because it sounds (in context of my experiences) kinda exaggerated to me. Other people can have traumatic experiences, but I hate thinking this way about my own, because… dunno, because it just makes me feel weak and like I shouldn’t be so traumatised by such things and should get over it long long ago.

Of course my Mum became very emotional and started to cry, I really feel for her that she cries in all kinds of moving situations in front of other people. We also talked a bit about all kinds of my relationships and how I’ve never had many of them, and even if so, very few of them were satisfying for me. I told her that socialising feels very exhausting for me, but although I generally don’t mind being alone, sometimes it feels a bit too lonely, but right now the only people with whom I’m in touch and happy of it are my family and some online friends. And we talked about my current situation in which I feel a bit like I’m stuck and don’t know what to do, I feel like there’s just a big black hole in front of it, or maybe I’m already inside of it, but it doesn’t feel so yet, because I’m still fueled by my achievements during the exams and that I’m finally free from school so maybe I’m just floating above this hole before I subside into it.

She was listening to both my Mum and me very carefully and was very understanding. Then she asked me quite straight-forward whether I feel like going on some medication, or like it’s manageable without and said that the decision whether she’d prescribe something for me like some SSRI today is up to me. That was a hard decision for me to make. But I decided I will stay without medication. I was coping unmedicated for my whole life. I’ve been through much, much, much worse depression in my life. These times when I feel most low are hard to go through, but I will try and I will go on meds if I’ll really really need to. I had an occasion to be prescribed SSRI before, when I was very concerned about my sleep paralysis and what it is, went to the neurologist and she said some people handle it with antidepresants because the mechanism that is responsible for sleep paralysis is somehow dependent on serotonin or something like this and she also asked me whether I want something for it. And I also decided to not take it and try to cope without. That stuff seems to have so many side effects that I would really need to think about it twice or even thrice to decide on taking it. I told her though that my GP has put me on anti-anxiety meds, because my anxiety was through the roof and I really needed them. She said it’s OK and that if I’ll feel like I need some medication I can schedule an appt with her. It was very nice of her that although she has so many children patients she is willing to carve out some time for me. She said though that I definitely need therapy and she wrote in my files that I have persistent depressive disorder and all the conclusions and wrote a referral for therapy for me.

Then my therapist told her that we’ve been talking a lot lately about this AVPD thing and I told her that whole story about how I found that Swedish girl with AVPD and how strongly her blog resonated with me and all she wrote about her condition and just how similar we seemed to be and then how I started to research it and it just shocked me how much like me it all was. Not everything to the same extend, but I can relate to all the criteria. I told her how I’ve actually never felt before like I react very strongly to other people’s critic and I didn’t feel like the fear of rejection and critic is what makes me avoid social interactions, but I didn’t know what else could it be, it was just always so that I was very anxious with other people and I never thought about the causes so when I thought more about it I realised that it may be the fear of rejection. After all I’ve been very often criticised and rejected by people for all my childhood and the whole situation that I have to be away from my family felt like rejection to me because well a 5-year-old won’t understand that “It’s better for you”. And my inner critic is constantly in action and she must hate me like shit I guess.

She read all the notes from that PD therapist whom I visited in March and seemed very involved. She asked me about my anxiety and how I see myself. She was also curious why I refer to my inner critic a bit like it was another person so I said I do it just for fun, I even call her Maggie. I often have, or maybe rather imagine having, stormy conversations with her in my brain and I imagine that she is a different person and the more stormy those discussions are, the more I feel like self-harming, Maggie is a very sarcastic and snarky part of me and almost always manages to make me feel terrible about myself. I feel like it all seems very complex and weird and I actually never talked with anyone in detail about it, my Mum just sat there very surprised, but they were very accepting and weren’t assuming at least not aloud that I’m freaky. πŸ˜€ So I also told them about other of my sort of imaginary friends, like that there is Bibiel, who always makes fun of everything and helps me create an impression, particularly around others,Β  that I am doing absolutely OK, if I need to seem OK, Bibiel is a little more social and very humourous me, slightly immature, likes to do strange things just for fun and has rather carefree, distant attitude to everything. And I imagine all of them as normal people, but who are parts of me and help me cope with some hard situations. She told me that creating imaginary friends is an often used coping mechanism for children, and if they still are with me, it looks as I still need them.

She also asked me some questions about all those my imaginary friends – Maggie, Bibiel and other weird individuals. I may do a separate post on them if you’d like to read it and if I’ll get some idea how to put it clearly and imaginably.

We talked about other stuff too, and then she filled some other papers, and actually it was all over. I got both of my diagnoses on paper, and referral to therapy. Somehow I thought it would take much longer to get the diagnosis, especially for AVPD, because it was something that came from me, not any specialist, and I wasn’t sure what they will do to confirm it fully.

I hope I’ll be able to start normal therapy soon. It’s a pity I’ll no longer be in touch with my therapist Monika, she was my therapist for so so long, and that she can’t fit me in, but I think that therapist with whom I met before who is working with personality disorders should be a good choice, or if not, I’ll be searching for something else, if not here in the area, then online, cuz there aren’t very many therapists here as far as I know.

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Surprise!

So as some of you could notice before from my activity on your blogs, I’m back since a while now. We came back much earlier than we thought we’d do. It was because the weather yesterday was really crappy and rainy, unlike last week, so if we wanted to stay in Bydgoszcz until THursday, with one day completely free of my exams, we’d be bored to death, not being able to do anything other than vegetating in a hotel room or hanging around the rainy streets, which wasn’t something appealing to neither of us, in addition in the morning I happened to sit on the ax, which is how my Dad calls having a period πŸ˜€ so I really didn’t feel the best despite taking two Pyralgines.

I had only three hours of sleep, but it’s always something, although we all were very sleepy. Zofijka decided in the last minute that she wants to go with us. We got to school about nine, and then me and Mum had to wait because another girl was passing the exam. In the meantime we were talking with one of English teachers at that school, who actually made me realise that it was English exam first, not Polish, as I thought. She seemed a little scared when she realised I thought it was otherwise, you know, she thought I was maybe not prepared and stuff, but I was actually relieved, I much prefer having English exam than Polish, I’m a little afraid of the Polish one because I’ve heard multiple times it’s such a lottery, they can actually ask you about anything, including obligatory readings that your class didn’t do, because there are so many of them you can’t do all of them and be prepared for everything. It would maybe be better to have the worse thing first, but anyway, I was glad it was English. As the girl before me came out, it turned out that we were going to the same school for a while, when I was in the integration for two years. My brother Olek was then in the same school as me, and she was in the same class as he. So then the committee called me and I was actually happy I can now demonstrate my skills, I like talking in other languages unless the circumstances aren’t too stressful, and because I had a teacher for a little while at the beginning of this school year who was coming to me to just prepare me to my finals, more technically than linguistically, I knew how this exam will look like and wasn’t anxious at all. I had lots of conversations with my teacher on even a higher level it all was completely manageable. At first there was a little issue though because I didn’t bring my ID. I knew that ID is needed for your finals, but when I was coming on all the previous ones, they didn’t ask for it at all, so I didn’t bring it this time. But luckily there were lots of people who could declare that I am me so then it went smoothly.

At first they always ask you two questions, kinda for a warm up, and in my case they were what qualities I seek in a friend and… surprise, surprise… what foreign languages I’d like to speak. πŸ˜€ So I provided them with a whole list, which as I think, made quite a big impression on them, as I believe did my accent. πŸ˜€ I listen to a lot of British stuff like BBC programmes, so it was easy for me to pick kinda standard British accent. Sometimes I talk in a more Northern way or may try to talk in other British accents in more informal situations. Although I’m sure I still have some kind of Ponglish too, as I’ve never been to any English-speaking country. But on Polish people my English accent always makes an impression. πŸ˜€ So then I drew the set of actual exam questions. At our finals, we always hhave a kinda roleplay to play between a student and an examinator. You get the instructions with a brief description of a situation and things you need to bring up in the conversation. In my case, the situation was that someone stole something from a shop and I witnessed it. And I had to talk about it with a friend, played by a lady from the committee, and tell them what I’m going to do now etc. And then when we did it, she asked me about a sport event in which I’d like to take part, so I told that I would like to take part in another horse riding competition, because it’s been a while since my last one and I miss it a lot. Then she also asked me if I have friends who regularly attend some sport events so I told her I don’t, I only have a brother who is a supporter of Legia-GdaΕ„sk (this is a football team) and is always willing to support them on their matches, even if it involves driving across the country at times. Then she asked me whether I like to actively spend free time. I told her that although I spend most of my free time doing things that don’t involve too much activity and movement, I do like being active, especially if we’re talking about horse riding, and I also go for a walk with my Mum very frequently. Then she asked me whether cinemas are popular and why so I told her that yes, I think they are. Although people can watch movies online and almost everything seems to be available online, I feel like there still are people who like to just go out in the evening, get some popcorn and Pepsi and watch a film in the cinema, that must have some atmosphere for them, I believe. And then she asked me what kind of art is most important, so I said I can only say what’s most important and beautiful for me. I’d say most people would choose visual arts, but for me it would be music, because it is so relatable, so cathartic and international. and the last question she asked me what would I choose, a classical music concert, or a rock music concert in the open air, if I was going for a concert with friends. I said that although I appreciate and like classical music, I’d rather choose the latter because I feel like many people don’t understand and don’t like classical music, rock is much more accessible and relatable, I know people who just fall asleep listening to classical music, so just the latter would be a safer option, plus I too like rock in general slightly more than classical music.

The whole exam lasted for not longer than 12 minutes and I was really glad of myself. TO be honest, I didn’t think there was anything in it that I said or did wrong, and because I am able to think in English nowadays, I felt very confident in speaking. That’s so weird, but at times I even feel like talking to people in other languages is much easier and less anxiety-provoking than in Polish, and I feel a bit more extroverted and less self-conscious while talking in English. I would be hugely disappointed and even more surprised if I got any less than 85% for it.

So I came out and then we had even more waiting. We had to wait until a few more people will take the exam and the break will start, because then they will reveal the results. Unlike with written exams, with oral ones you get results much quicker since they aren’t sent anywhere, just the committee who asks you rates your skills. All that waiting, which lasted for a few hours, was so damn boring.

But finally the break started and all of us who have taken the exam so far were coming into the room again to hear our results. This time, besides of the committee, there was also headmistress and her assistant in. I always feel kinda unsafe at that school, as if something terrible was about to happen, but I feel twice as unsafe around the headmistress because of that awful situation that happened to me after the first exam. I was seeing her then every time before and after writing an exam because of all the procedures and although nothing like that ever happened again, she was still very critical and clearly jerky to me, unless it’s her everyday attitude. And even if she isn’t talking to me, I feel awful around her, even simply her voice sounds so dry and unpleasant so that you feel some kind of antipathy from the beginning. And omg honestly, if I was her, I would seriously think about taking something for halitosis, but I am not as jerky as she is and I’ll be nice and won’t give her advices she doesn’t ask for. But well, I’m glad I’m not from that school and hopefully soon will be able to forget about her for good.

Anyway, I came in and she said:

– So you can get 30 points max, and how do you think, how many did you get? –

– Hard to say, but I think quite a few. –

– And maybe some more speciffic numbers? –

– Hm, something like 25? –

– 25, you say… so, with a great regret, er… sorry, with a great pleasure, I have to say you’ve got 30 points. – she said.

You know I wasn’t really surprised? I just felt like that’s what is gonna happen. She was so nice that she didn’t forget to at least try to crack me up in the end, but it was easy for me to keep smiling, because I was happy I got 100% and I knew that in a way I just cut her down to size. It’s not often that someone gets 100% from any final exam. I was the last of all the students who were taking this exam to hear my results. There are only 9 people, 9 people in the whole school, plus me, taking their finals. Cause you can graduate from school here without taking them, and although the school is big, I’ve heard not many people were feeling like doing it. In the school for the blind where I was for years, I know there were always whole classes taking finals. And I was really surprised they had only 9 people taking them. Looks like their level is much lower there. Or maybe it’s because so many students there seem to have coupled disabilities. And I’ve heard all of them coming out and sharing their results with the whole world. Only ONE girl had the result above 60%. Her result was really good, but she was the only one, most people had like 40%. That seemed a little bit sad, although my Mum told me that I should cut her – the headmistress – down to size as much as possible, for disgracing me and comparing me to her brilliant kids. And although it wasn’t my goal in itself, I was so happy I did it.

I wonder why she said it “with regret”. Maybe she was just joking, and that’s OK, or wanted to somehow keep me in suspense, or something, but sadly I suppose that’s what she really thinks and wanted to pretend it’s just an innocent joke. It’s not like I care what she thinks or feel sad that I made her feel regret, not at all, but you feel rather weird hearing something like this, among other jerky stuff which I’m not gonna quote because I don’t want to start to think about it again plus it’s not important in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s a bit foolish to care about what she said even a bit, but I can’t help it that I still do and still hear it. My Dad simply said it’s “biatchy” of her to say this regret thing and my family doesn’t really think it could be a real joke and she is really “regretting”.

My family of course were very happy of it and Zofijka couldn’t believe it, but my Mum said she also somehow felt it will be so, ’cause well I might not be fluent in English, but this exam was a bit below my possibilities.

On the way home we went to CheΕ‚mno, which is a town near Bydgoszcz with lots and lots of old churches and cemeteries even from 13th century, and my family went to see it, but I stayed in the car. I didn’t feel well physically because of the period and somehow my mood started to drop. Yes, I was proud of myself in a way, but I felt somehow very depressed. I don’t know, maybe the headmistress’ words started to strike me and I felt exhausted of all that exam fuss and started to fall deeper and deeper in the self-loathing hole, having to fight against another Maggie, this time my inner self critic whom as you may remember I also call Maggie, and because I felt so exhausted and not at all like fighting anyone, she started to win over me with a smashing predominance, and I didn’t really care, as so many times before I just believed her she’s right. I also felt dizzy and like I’m going to get an awful migraine. My dizziness got worse when my family came back and we drove home. And as we got home my balance was so shitty I was walking slightly like I was drunk. πŸ˜€ So Olek let us in and asked me whether I had some Jack Daniels with me to help me on the exam. I laughed and said that no, but it’s something to think about next time. πŸ˜€ I got a quick shower and went to bed, not to sleep but just to shut my mind off, with which I didn’t really succeed, and to rest for a while. Read some blogs and other stuff but my head started to ache more so I gave up on this. And when my mind finally shut off I I fell asleep about 7 PM. Really really early for me.

ANd I woke up with a nasty migraine in the middle of the night. Ugh that was so shitty. And lasted until almst 2 PM. I am still kinda weak but it’s much better now and the migraine is gone. But I still feel rather depressed and blah and hopeless, overanalysing everything and shitty, and definitely not like someone who got 100% on an exam, quite the opposite.

So glad tomorrow is the last one, maybe will feel better afterwards.

How are you guys doing? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

What is the most backhanded “compliment” anyone has ever given you?

My answer:

This is an incredibly hard question for me, so that I’m not even sure I’ll be able to give you a concrete and unequivocal answer. I’ve always had a huge issue with compliments and that was one of those many things that have finally led me to the conclusion I may really have AVPD. As most people, I’ve received quite a lot of compliments on different things, and usually was happy about it ’cause well who doesn’t like when they appreciate you/what you did. But usually it has always been so that the more something matters to me, the more I want this compliment someone told me to be true, the more I feel like it isn’t. My inner critic is driven crazy and – sometimes very loudly and emphatically, sometimes in a low and sarcastic voice, somewhere in the background, deep down in my mind – desperately tries to convince me that they said it just to said something, or because they’re nice, or because they maybe would tell it to anyone in the same situation, or maybe just because they don’t know the truth and think what they said is true, or insert any other excuse here. But what I hate the most is when my mind tries to convince me that what they told me was just ambiguous and sarcastic and what they really meant is simply the opposite of what they said. While I generally like sarcasm and using it and sarcastic conversations with some people and, at least while with others, I think I have quite a lot of distance to myself and to everything and the ability to laugh off actually anything, I hate it when I get this feeling that it is just sure that they’re sarcastic. And it is not only about compliments, but pretty much about anything nice/positive that other people tell me. Of course, needless to say, rationally I know it is just a distortion and probably their intentions were good and clear, but my fantastic fascinating freaky fuckin brain is never able to get it fully, as it is usually with such things. I hate it also for another reason, because it makes me think in a bad way about other people and makes me in some way judgmental, even though I don’t let my thoughts and assumptions influence my relationships with other people or my attitude towards them unless I can have really strong rational evidence that something goes wrong indeed.

So yeah, I’m not going to tell you about the most backhanded compliment I’ve ever get, because according to my mind I guess around 95% of all the compliments I’ve got should be classified as backhanded and I don’t think that right now I’d be able to look at it objectively. Don’t know how much sense it makes for other people, the more that you guys are actually the first people I’ve ever told about it so I’ve never actually expressed it before, but that’s more or less how it feels for me.

What is such “compliment” in your case? πŸ™‚

Question of the day.

Do you like taking pictures? Do you like having your picture taken?

My answer:

Well, being blind, I definitely don’t have much experience with taking pictures. πŸ˜€ NOnetheless I still have some. If you don’t know yet, I am totally blind and since birth and don’t have light perception, I don’t know many individuals like me, because most blind people I know have at least light perception or some partial vision, or if they don’t see the light they usually have eye prostheses or some mechanical eye damage, while my condition is more neurological than ophtalmological and more brain- than eye-related. I mention this because while partially sighted people or even those having just light perception have it a little bit easier to take pictures, in my case it can be actually only guessing if I’m doing it right or not, usually it’s not. πŸ˜€

After two years when I was going to the integration school, I came back to the boarding school where I started my education, but although my Mum has been very conservative and didn’t like the idea of children having their own phones as early as possible, this time she bought me a phone so maybe it would be easier for me to cope if I’ll be able to contact her more often and not just wait for her to call our group phone. And as it was my first phone I started to learn how it works overall and one of things i discovered was that it has pretty good camera and that technically it’s easy to take photos with it. It kind of fascinated me, I somehow wouldn’t thought it’s that easy – you know, apart of that you need to first see the object you want to take a picture of πŸ˜€ – and I was experimenting with it a lot. I was taking pictures of random stuff and asking people to review them. And, actually, some of them were apparently pretty good and clear. πŸ˜€ Like I did Zofijka’s picture(she was about 3 then) and it wasn’t that bad, and some more photos. Then at school I also experimented a bit just for fun and those more clear and good pictures I did were of my roommate’s guitar, my figurines on the cupboard and my roommate’s head and people were making laugh of them. πŸ˜€ I even think I still have them somewhere πŸ˜€ but I don’t storage them for purpose, I just never cared to remove them. But I got bored rather quickly of it, as I couldn’t see the results of my creativeness so it started to be a bit pointless.

ANother experience with taking pictures I’ve had was with scanning books with OCR. And omg this is a nightmare! I bought myself a scanner a few years ago, to scan books that I can’t get anywhere in an accessible form. But it turned out that its efficiency is much more dependent on things like lighting in the room. Of course I can’t control it on my own, plus the room I lived in then was rather dark and there wasn’t much space in it, so even for a sighted person I guess it would be a little bit of a deal. To scan a book with this thing you need to place it on a piece of paper under the scanner, it can’t go outside of it, otherwise you’d have plenty of mistakes in the text and the scan would be shitty, which would be the more crappy if you were – like me – scanning books in foreign languages in which you aren’t that much fluent, guessing what should be written in it isn’t that easy when your vocabulary is rather limited. That was also sometimes an issue for me, the more if a book was bigger, especially that you couldn’t move it almost at all while scanning, which seemed a bit impossible for me, because well you need to turn pages somehow. Then there was another issue – you had to turn the page at a certain time, if you wouldn’t fit in it, it would go badly in the scan. Considering the fact how often pages of a book tend to stick to each other, sometimes you would not manage on time, especially if you have coordination issues and shouldn’t move the book. I had to stand or kneel in front of the scanner and scan one page after another, and it was impossible to pause it once you started to scan the book, ’cause then you wouldn’t be able to put it as a whole. Because I tend to have very low blood pressure all the time, I get dizzy and faint easily while standing or kneeling for a long time, so usually I just couldn’t resist and had to sit somewhere near it. But it changed the lighting, actually any move you’d make could change the lighting, I guess, and it influenced the quality of the text. Sometimes my Mum would help me but she was saying it’s too laborious for her and that I actually would do better if I’d rewrite the book for myself. πŸ˜€

So yeah that made me hate taking pictures. I still have that scanner, and still have lots of books, especially in Swedish, that I need to scan, and I live in another house and in different room, and my Dad promises me he’ll make a tripod for me so the book will be more stable and easier to operate for me, plus the lighting here is better, but I still haven’t dare to take it out and scan something, it was so horrid. πŸ˜€ But I’ll have to, maybe after my finals.

As for having my picture taken… grrrrrr!!! I hate it, it annoys me so much, I don’t know why. Well, at least usually. Dunno, people say I’m photogenic bla bla bla, so I don’t think it’s about how I look, I just feel so… weird, well I don’t know how to put it, but I simply don’t like it when people take my picture. When I was very little I was on some silly casting and I had a whole session, guys, I thought they’ll drive me crazy. Of course I didn’t tell anyone about how I was feeling, and my Mum was saying afterwards that I was actually too calm and that I should be more expressive on those pictures, but I remember it clearLy that I felt like I’m going to start to scream any minute if they won’t let me go soon and if I’d try to be expressive, it all would surely burst out of me. Plus it was just boring, standing there like some damn figurine and smiling at God knows what and why. That’s my opinion about having my pictures taken, sorry people, I’m not Misha, he is a real model. It’s probably related to my “sky-high” self-esteem, although like I said my looks aren’t a thing I’m really very concerned about, there are many other things I don’t like about myself much more.

SO how is it with you? πŸ™‚

Share Your World.

It’s time for Share Your World. Thanks to Ceefor holding this challenge.

 

What is your favorite color of hair? You can name your hair color or a color that you just like.

Black. I used to have my hair dyed black all the time, I loved it. I wanted to look Gothic, which was easy because I have a very pale skin. I still love black, anything black, but I stopped dying my hair sometime ago. It’s laborious and time consuming, and I’m not this kind of girl who has the patience for embellishing herself for hours, especially that now I spend most of my time alone or with closest family, and I’d need someone’s help with it. I didn’t like though if my hair colour had some red glimmers and apparently it didn’t even look well with me overall. Though, despite I don’t like red colour in general, sometimes I used to dye my hair all red, kind of red orange, because it also fit me and I liked it, although not all the time. Some people were saying I look Celtic. πŸ˜€

List at least 5 things that you are good at.

Hm, let’s think… Languages, well I like learning them and my family constantly says I’m sooo very good. Listening to other people, or at least so I can think because lots of people in my family and others have been telling me lots of important stuff for them, and I like to listen to other people’s stories and learn about them. “Feeling other people, I mean I can easily know things about their personality, what they are feeling, what they like or not. Because of that, my grandad often calls me X-ray. πŸ˜€ He says I can read minds, but that’s obviously not true lol. Hm, what else… some people say I have a god sense of humour, actually that was my specialty at school – making others laugh, ’cause it helped me too. Some say my sense of humour is a bit dark/sarcastic. Actually I have this thing after my Dad that I find it possible to laugh off actually anything, like I have that kinda “inner voice” commenting things and making them look ridiculous, but because at the same time I know when to stay serious, I always try to suppress it, although I got into trouble a few times because of this thing. πŸ˜€ And the last thing… hm, I have huge, free and absolutely undaunted imagination. Sometimes I just wish I wouldn’t have it, but overall, I wouldn’t be able to exist without it at all. So it’s like my best friend and archenemy at the same time.

What is your favorite animal or type of animal? (pets, dolphins, stuffed, wild cats, etc)

Cats, especially Russian blue (obviously) and horses.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Β Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Misha, blogging, writing, an appt with the therapist specialising in personality disorder, which helped me clear up many things about me and my life and the world in general, and maybe will lead me to getting a diagnosis finally, which in turn, as I hope, will help me to get myself better and get appropriate help. I didn’t have Maths this past week at all yaay! well, I’m sorry for my Maths tutor, she’s ill so often, but was just happy for myself, it’s so overwhelming and brain draining. Passed two of my term exams at school, and although wasn’t able to prepare much, they seemed to go relatively well. And wrote another control assignment for school, so now have only two to make. Was making a birthday present for my friend Carol Anne

which was a lot of fun and we spend a lot of time with Mum doing i. Overall it was a rather tough week, but also some very positive things happened, as you see.

Question of the day.

When you are with your family, immediate, or extended, do you feel like you belong?

My answer:

That’s a hard one. I’ve always had issues with that sense of belonging thing, for two reasons I think. First is related to my being far from my family for most of my childhood. I am actually just starting to understand these things about myself and didn’t fully realise it all even a year ago. When I was at the boarding school, I felt like I don’t belong there at all, but that if I belong anywhere, I belong only to my family. I think I had a strong sense of… hm, distinctiveness? individuality, don’t really know how to call it best in English, anyway my Dad has it very strong in his character and looks like we all, his children, have too, and my Mum has it as well. I’ve always felt like I’m an individualist and was glad with it and I always needed to have some private, just my own territory where no one else would interfere, which was almost impossible at that boarding school, especially at the beginning when we all (girls from my group) lived together in one room. Our staff always wanted us to talk about everything (including our feelings) with everyone and wanted us to feel the sense of unity with the others, share as much common as possible, they kept saying we’re “like a family”. I think it was with good intentions, but then it only was making me more and more rebellious and the more I’ve heard about all that unity, commonness and “togetherness” the more I hated everything about these words and the more I felt like vomiting whenever I heard them. I liked most of the girls in my group, but, no, thanks, I already have my family and I don’t need another one, I don’t feel close enough with them, that was more or less how I thought about it. So yeah the only community that I felt like I belong to was my family. But then when I was coming home, I was treated like a guest by everyone, and felt like one in some way, it was usually like a big holiday for all of us and I didn’t get that much of normal, everyday family life, besides longer holidays or stuff like that, and the two years in between my stay at the boarding school when I was experimenting going to integration school which didn’t work out in my a bit complex case. It was impossible to catch up on everything that happened during my absence so I didn’t know about many things and in some way felt like a stranger and had an impression that some people in my family perceive me a bit this way too, not in a bad sense like that I wasn’t welcome, but my life was just so different from theirs, you know. And then I was going back to school and had obviously very idealised picture of my family and of family in general and experienced a lot of this hiraeth feeling I described like a month ago or so. So as I grew up I gradually realised that actually I don’t feel anywhere like I’m at home. I mean, I loved coming home obviously and always was willing anything possible to stay longer here, but quite a bit of the sense of belonging to my family has disappeared with time. Btw I suppose that’s one of the reasons why I like Cornelis Vreeswijk so much, one of my musical crushes whom I mentioned already a few times. He was Dutch, but emigrated to Sweden at 12 with his family and lived and created his music and poetry there for most of his life and became famous in Sweden. When he was in the Netherlands, Nederlenders called him a Swede, while in Sweden he was Dutch, hence in one of his poems he called himself “a man (…) without motherland”. You know, birds of a feather flock together, right? Just my a bit detached reflection. I think there are many people who experience such feelings for their entire lives though, due to various situations.

And the second reason is that for almost all my life I’ve felt more or less inadequate to other people, or like I couldn’t connect with them, which can be at times quite frustrating and can make you feel like you belong hardly anywhere. My anxiety in social situations also gets in the way so it makes for quite an interesting mix.

These feelings have lessened in regard to my family as I am enjoying my life with them since more than three years now, although they are still present somewhere in my mind.

Like I’ve never developed a normal sibling relationship with my brother and we have hardly anything in common to talk about, which is so weird and uncomfortable for me, because he is only younger two years than me while with Zofijka who is ten years younger, I have plenty of things to talk about and we have a very close relationship, though also very dynamic, as we are so different and getting on each other’s nerves, as siblings usually do. I still have these feelings of not belonging sometimes when we all are together, but overall I think now I feel much more in place in my immediate family.

It’s worse with my extended. It’s hard for me to open up to them, there are so many of them and I know they all like me and I like them, but… all the holidays and stuff when we gather as a whole family are quite overwhelming for me, especially with my Dad’s family. I get on better with my Mum’s family, probably because we lived very close to them before we moved a year ago to where we live now, so I was seeing them much more often, and I just have more things in common with them, I feel. But it’s also improving and when my family and I are somewhere where there are more people who aren’t my family members, I feel like I belong and am a part of my family. And I am always proud of my family as a whole and of all the people of my immediate family as individuals and I think I’m very lucky for having the family I have. I am also gradually learning that although you’ll be always alone in some way as my Mum says, this is a really good thing if you belong somewhere because of your own choice, or because you’re emotionally attached to the community you’re a part of. and I am a part, and I feel like I’m one, of some other communities than my family, and I am very glad I belong to them and now I know it is so great to have something in common with other people.

How about your sense of belonging? I must say I’m interested about how it is with other people and do they always feel like they belong even if they didn’t have such or similar experiences to mine. πŸ™‚

After an appt with the PD therapist.

So yesterday morning I saw this therapist specialising in personality disorders about whom I wrote recently that she will talk to me and see if I indeed have or might have avoidant personality disorder and also that we’ll talk about my dysthymia which still isn’t diagnosed but the two years that are needed have passed and not much has changed. My therapist wanted me to be evaluated by someone from the outside, pplus someone who’d be more qualified as for personality disorders, so she was the best choice in our area. Before my appointment both therapists talked about me, my background and stuff like that.

I was very very anxious about this appointment and I felt lots of contrary emotions about it and what may come out of it. But it went really well. We talked about my experiences in different kinds of interpersonal relationships, my self-esteem, how I am very often suspicious towards people and their motives and almost always look for some hidden meaning behind their words or actions and my feelings of inadequacy, or, how my friend used to call it but not in the context of my issues “alien syndrome” which name I really like. πŸ˜€ Basically we discussed everything in one’s personality that may be affected by AVPD. We talked through all the WHO criteria, I also told her about very various kinds of anxiety I have and my experiences from the boarding school. She asked me how I came to the conclusion I might have AVPD so I just told her how it started and how I felt like I resonate with it so much and how it was both scary and relieving for me, scary because it’s often somehow scary when you name your problem for the first time, plus I’d never expect I might have personality disorder and it just was so sudden, but relieving because I realised that if it’s really my issue, I’m not alone with it, there is a name for it so other people are struggling too and I felt more valid. It was a bit overwhelming and weird to feel both these contrary emotions so intensely at the same time, but I think I got used to it with time and now i’m not so scared. I told her that actually before I started to read about AVPD, I didn’t realise that the fear of being rejected might be why I’m so anxious, I still think there might be something more to it, but yeah, I guess I was always scared of being rejected, but never fully realised it, as I didn’t really want to realise it consciously cause it would make my self-image even worse in some way. I don’t know if it makes sense for other people, but, that’s kind of how I’ve felt about it… Then we talked about my emotions, how I’ve started to suppress them very early on and still can’t fully unlearn it and expressing what I feel is still so challenging and stressing out for me. Most often I don’t have issues with positive emotions now, in fact if I happen to feel lots of positive emotions I would most willingly like all the world to know about them and why I feel them and share it with me, but expressing my negative emotions still feels kind of like either baring myself or self-pity. And what she told me was almost exactly what I’ve thought about this whole AVPD thing. Some of the traits are milder, some are more severe, but overall I fit in the criteria and she told me she’s almost sure I have it, but she’d refer me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation and getting an official diagnosis. She honestly told me it’s too complex for just being social anxiety as the reasons why I avoid social situations are multiple, which I know, and she also checked whether and to which degree I might have schizoid or paranoid pd traits, but only some single ones fit me. We talked also about my dysthymia and she said it seems to be extremely common in people with avoidant personality disorder that they have dysthymia and/or generalised anxiety. I talked to her about how I’ve actually always been more or less depressive, although apart from some harder days I am able to hide it very well from people and many years have passed since I’ve been really suicidal, although I couldn’t say I’m not suicidal at all, I have some ideations somewhere in the background, I’d say. We talked about my sleep being pretty irregular for most of my life and I told her that I think my thyroid issues also may contribute to the low mood, but although my thyroid hormones are more stabilised now than they were in the past, it didn’t make that much of a difference. We had a long chat about dysthymia in general. My Mum was waiting outside of the therapist’s office when we talked but then she asked her to come in and join us. She wanted to have her point of view on the whole thing, on some of my behaviour patterns and stuff, as someone else’s view on things is always helpful and my Mum is with me almost 24/7 even if we’re not constantly together we’re at least in the same house, so obviously she knows me well even despite all those years I lived out of home. Of course after some time my very sensitive Mum started to cry. She always cries when she talks about some painful or just moving things, or even when she says something beautiful, that is how she reacts, although many people feel embarrassed and my Mum does too, but that’s just her nature and how she reacts to things and it doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t stable or anything, in fact I think she’s one of most emotionally stable people I know, just incredibly tearful. πŸ™‚ And she was talking about how she is feeling so much guilty recently that she didn’t see on time what was going on with me back then and that she didn’t change anything. I actually didn’t realise how much of guilt she feels and I felt so sorry for her and actually felt guilty too, for making her guilty. It sounds ridiculous. πŸ˜€ But I really didn’t realise it fully. I told her I don’t blame her at all and that I don’t think there was anything more she could do than she already did. I told her just what I thought. That it’s the easiest way to blame the parents for who you are, for your childhood, for what you didn’t achieve etc. so many people do it. Of course I don’t count in abusive or purposefully neglectful parents. But so many people would like their parents to be perfect and always know what to do. But are there any trainings for how to be a good parent? Do they get this knowledge anywhere? Are they somewhat enlightened after getting a baby? They aren’t and that’s why I don’t like it, putting all the blame for your trouble on your parents. My therapist agreed with me. It just moved me so much how guilty she feels and how I didn’t notice all of her guilt for so long, although I think I know her so well and am so good at “feeling” other people. Then the therapist summarised for my Mum what we talked about without her very briefly. Whenever she was writing something in my notes she was telling me about it and finally she ended up unoficially diagnosing me with dysthymia. Then we also talked for a while about the fact I don’t actually have real therapy as my therapist has too much on her plate and had to cut some of her hours, thus we almost only have phone or email check ins. She was very kind and direct and offered me that if the psychiatrist will refer me to therapy, which will in her opinion most likely happen, she is willing to take over my therapy. I feel like if I have a personality disorder, I need some more appropriate support. I don’t mean I didn’t feel supported by my therapist, she was working with me for many many years and was always there for me if she could, but, you know, sometimes a monthly phone check in isn’t enough, plus knowing how busy she is, I often felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate to email her in between check ins when I struggled so it had to be really almost an emergency or something if I decided to bother her. So I think I’ll start with this new therapist, the more that she herself came out with it. At first as I met her yesterday I had an impression she’s so very blunt and direct it could be hard to get along with her, but I felt very comfortable around her with time and actually now I think it’s her advantage, as she still is very diplomatic. She’s completely different from my therapist Monika, but I think I like her and she seems to be a very attentive listener, which I obviously really appreciate. I still don’t know when I’ll see the psychiatrist, I am sure it’ll take quite a bit of time, but anyway, I now feel more validated and am glad of our appt. My Mum is too.

Today I had quite intensive day. I went for a big shopping with my Mum. I needed to get a few things, mostly Easter presents and some things for myself, from different shops and Mum needed a lot of groceries for us. I must say I rarely go out for such long shopping escapades, it is always quite exhausting and challenging for me, you know, all these crowds and all other shit. I was tempted to just ask my Mum to buy me things I needed when she told me she plans to go buy groceries and tell her what I need, but decided to challenge myself a bit. Plus my Mum had a lot to carry so it definitely wouldn’t be kind of me, would it? So we went together and besides the anxiety which was significant at times, it felt good to have some time together. I bought all I needed and also some snacks for Misha ans we are almost running out of them, so gourmand is he recently. We both were exhausted afterwards, not as much because of the long walk we did, but because of visiting soo many shops, my Mum also isn’t accustomed to such extensive shoppings as she only does them before some bigger holidays like Easter or Christmas. So Mum watched some TV and I went to my room and had some Mishtime which was just so fantastic, Misha was so very cuddly today.

Then I got pissed off by my Polish teacher. Actually she pissed me off already in the morning, but even more when we came back home. For those of you who are new to my blog and don’t know, I formally attend to part time school for adults, something between college and high school I suppose, but practically I am learning on my own, because it is a mainstream school and basically most teachers just treat me like I’m invisible or like they could pick up optic nerve hypoplasia from me. plus they often use things like slideshows on their lessons, so it’s just easier for me to learn on my own, I’ve never had trouble with it, and of course it’s emotionally much much easier. The only occasions I go to school are exams. Me and my Mum just talked about it with the headmaster and with my teachers and they agreed to send me what they’re doing in the class every term as well as the subjects of control assignments and exam terms and the rest is for me to do. I only have Maths lessons with my tutor who is a typhlopedagogist, as Maths is very hard for me and I’m clueless about it and although my Maths teacher at school would be eager to teach me and is really open-minded and communicative, it’s hard as for this particular subject because it differs how you explain things for sighted people and for the blind, and she’s not educated as for how to teach blind people. But now the thing is they are SOOO incredibly busy they don’t even have time to email me. I was sending them emails to remind them about our “agreement”, Mum called the secretary multiple times and even visited the school personally twice. My Maths teacher responded very quickly, then two others responded after much more time, but my Polish and History teacher still didn’t bother to write anything.

And today in the morning I checked my emails and saw that my Polish teacher wrote me an email asking whether it will be possible for me to come for Polish exams this Saturday and if not, we can find some other time. I felt a bit disoriented. OK, I’ll come willingly, but what’s the material for these exams? Does she suppose I’ll just come and pass whatever she’ll ask me without having any information about what this exam includes and what I should be prepared for? So yeah that made me feel very pissed off and stressed and I wrote to her just that, that I am absolutely OK with the time, but first I’d like to know what should I learn as despite my Mum’s and my messages we didn’t get any information from her, so it might be “a little bit hard” for me to prepare in four days to an exam from the whole term. So when we got back home I checked the email again and she wrote that she is “surprised” because straight after she talked with the secretary, she sent me an email with everything. She wrote she’ll check her another email and send it again. I was afraid that maybe indeed she sent it but I just missed it so I checked all the folders with emails I had, but I couldn’t find it anywhere, so I felt rather confused. My Mum says it is just her excuse, but what I’m curious about are her motives? Is it really so hard for her to send me an email? Is she really so busy? Is it something in me that causes people to turn off so desperately? Or has she some early onset Alzheimer or other neurodegenerative disease that makes her forgetful? Striking. I must say I don’t get it at all… Don’t really know what I should do with this now as I still didn’t get any message from her, and I’m afraid that even if I’ll get it tonight or tomorrow, it might be very hard to prepare in such a short period of time. I’m not a perfectionist as it comes to school, I never freak out about marks and they’ve never mattered to me, actually at all, so I’ll be just glad if I’ll pass it, but if I will know hardly anything, it will be so terribly stressful. I feel like doing this to your students is at least disrespectful. Unless it is indeed some unfortunate accident. Oh gosh what a rant, didn’t expect it to go in this direction. πŸ˜€

And in the evening I watched some documentary about Wales with Dad, who was constantly like “Wooow! They have only ruins there, don’t they?” πŸ˜€ and that’s it about my day. Now going to have some Mishtime again. Somehow I have an inkling I won’t sleep very well tonight. I am having so intensive time recently and I feel like I might have migraine soon, hope I’m wrong, but if not, I doubt I’ll get any sleep tonight. HOpe you all had or are having a nice day. πŸ™‚