Question of the day.

What kind of drunk are you?

My answer:

I thought this question was fun, but before I answer it, first of all, I have a bit of a trouble with the word drunk. I guess I don’t know what it exactly means for sure, like whether it is that you’re just under an influence of alcohol strong enough that it changes your behaviour somehow, or that you’ve drunk too much for your body’s criteria and it significantly impairs your cognitive functions and consciousness. I even looked it up in a dictionary but it looks like it could be both… So, well, if it’s the latter, I’ve never been drunk. I’m too much of a control freak, emetophobic, and I don’t know what else, to do that. If it’s more like the first, it depends really, how much, with whom, where etc. I really like the comfort of being in control of myself and whatever I’m doing, so even if I’m drinking I’m not letting it go too easily. Another thing is also that alcohol tends to make me anxious. It can help me relax for a while so I used to have a drink or two as an anti-anxiety remedy but after a while I’m often more anxious than I was before that. That doesn’t help in social situations. But if I’m not anxious, or not yet anxious, I tend to be more chatty and expressive than I normally am, especially if in a favourable environment. Sometimes I get a bit hyperactive both physically and mentally. My thinking gets completely messed up in terms of the language and gets completely multilingual like I have all my language thrown into one sentence and sometimes I don’t even realise that I think in all of them. Multilinguality of thoughts is not a novelty for me anymore, especially since I’ve been blogging in English etc. but when I’m tipsy there’s a real chaos and it had happened a few times that I talked like that too before I realised it. 😀 It also happens wen I’m very tired that I think in all languages at once and if I were thinking more coherently then, it would be real fun to observe it more closely, but I rarely think about it when it happens. I laugh very easily and at everything, however although I’m a depressive person overall I do tend to laugh a lot when I’m my normal sober self as well. At the beginning after I drink, I often feel like I’m actually more witty and very bright and perceptive, but that’s of course short-lasting. As many of you may know, I have balance and coordination problems and they get worse quickly after I drink even a bit of alcohol, so even when I’m doing fairly well cognitively I might be already barely able to stand/walk straight and am really clumsy and disoriented and dizzy and hating it and regretful that I was drinking at all. On a more negative note, besides the anxiety which can be real real yuck after I’ve drunk something with alcohol, I feel messed up emotionally overall, feeling a lot of stuff at once and like I’m close to one of those emotional overloads that I sometimes have, it can trigger it from what I’ve noticed and a couple times I ended up cutting myself after drinking, I also often feel very panicky, both straight after drinking and the next day as well. I normally don’t have a tendency to have full blown panic attacks even though I’m an anxious person with lots of kinds of anxiety, but after a drink I feel very close to it. I often feel some sensor oversensitivity and like everything is so intense – stimuli, feelings, people’s reactions – which if you’re in a social situation is incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve noticed that even my synaesthesia sometimes becomes more intense and my perception related to it kind of clearer, but not quite as much as when I was using Doses (sound drugs) as a teen, that was really intense, and this is actually a very cool thing as my synaesthesia is a cool thing. Sometimes I feel a bit foggy which I always hate. And OMG sleep! I always have some sort of a problem with sleep afterwards. I often feel very sleepy at some point and sometimes I get a couple hours of nice heavy sleep, but then I wake up and can’t fall asleep at all and am very anxious. Or I have sleep paralysis.

So, as you can see, a lot of quite bad stuff. And that’s why, although theoretically I do like a drink once in a while, a few months ago I decided that I’m not going to drink alcohol, even if it tastes good, like my favourite Jack Daniels, it’s not really enjoyable with all that mess. I suppose I might have some sort of alcohol hypersensitivity or something actually which my Mum also seems to have. We both tend to have very very bad hangover even after just a little of it, we both often feel nauseous after drinking and have sleep problems.

A bit off topic, but what’s worse in my opinion than the thing with alcohol, is that recently I also figured out a sad truth that my big life-saver – coffee – doesn’t seem to help my mental health either. I love the taste of coffee, but the thing is also that I have low blood pressure most of the time so often feel like without energy especially in mornings, so coffee helps at least a bit with that. I usually drink one cup of very strong black coffee in the morning, but recently I had a break from that for a couple of days and realised after some time that I’m actually much less anxious in the mornings than I usually am at this time of day, and my mind isn’t as racing and I’m less jittery. And when I started drinking coffee again, it all came back, but I didn’t make the connection until I saw a YouTube video of a Polish mental health and wellness vlogger where she was talking about how coffee impacts how she feels especially anxiety wise, it was then that something clicked in my mind and I had a break from coffee again, then came back to it and saw it clearly that I’m more anxious after coffee. Weird that I didn’t see it earlier, but maybe I just didn’t want to, that’s very possible, I really love my coffee and even now as I know that she doesn’t like me as much as I like her, I still drink coffee once in a while, but try to do it rarely. I must admit I’m a bit disappointed with that and haven’t yet found anything as effective as coffee to help boost my energy, even though coffee was just a half-measure too, but other things I’ve tried don’t work for me at all, while real strong Coffee with a capital C does something at least.

So, what kind of drunk are you? If you have mental health difficulties, does it interfere with them in any way? 🙂

Happy birthday, Olek and Mum!

So as I wrote a while ago today my brother Olek and my Mum have their birthday together. Olek is now 19 and I can’t believe it’s my Mum’s 45th birthday. She definitely doesn’t seem her age for me.

Besides having completely sleepless and very anxious night, I’m doing well. I could catch up on sleep in the morning which I did. It’s crazy to fall asleep at 7 AM, innit? 😀 But I’m glad I fell asleep finally, I prefer to sleep during the day than go around looking like Zombie and feeling totally rubbish, especially that with all the celebrations we had quite an eventful day. Although I doubt I will sleep tonight too, but well, we’ll see.

So right now we had a full house with lots of family, they came around 6 PM and I stayed with them for a few hours, but then me and Misha took a French leave before nine and are both in my room together. We have loads of delicious food, my Mum’s spectacular dessert which everyone likes and which never is boring – meringue with fruits (today peaches and billberries), a cheese cake, chicken wings, gyros salad and chops with chilli and mushrooms and other stuff, and some nachos and breaded nuts. Misha loved the chops.

Earlier today when I woke up we went with Zofijka to the shop and bought Mum a blanket she wanted to have. It looks really cosy and snug. I got some money for Olek as right now it seems to be the thing he needs and dreams about the most, plus I just hadn’t got any other idea honestly.

Also I will get some music for Mum as she mentioned to me she doesn’t have anything new to listen in the car.

As for other things, on Thursday I had an appointment with that OM doctor who is also a dermatologist and about whom I wrote some time ago, this time I saw him as a dermatologist because of my dry skin and the infection I have on my leg, but he didn’t really tell me anything which would be very new to me. He said I shouldn’t take showers but rather baths and don’t use a usual soap. I stopped taking showers last week already and we all always use black soap which is natural, also I try to make my baths possibly short most days. He also told me I should moisturise my skin and he prescribed me something moisturising. I moisturised it before as I thought it’s logical when you have dry skin, but I did it with oils, so maybe that cream he prescribed me will be more helpful, I didn’t collect the prescription yet though. And he told me the issue should ease a bit as the winter will finish which he told me last time too and which I’m really hoping for. I showed him my leg and he said he also thinks it may be because of my dry skin, then I mentioned to him that I showed it my GP two years ago and she said it might be staphylococcus and he said that yes it might be this too, but didn’t even suggest to make any tests or didn’t prescribe anything specifically for it, so looked pretty much like he didn’t know what it is. I told him I try to treat it with tea tree oil which seems to help and he said I should continue with it as it helps with healing. So, both me and my Mum, who also has dry skin and he says it’s genetic, we felt a bit like we wasted our time going there.

Yesterday I had “brain drainage” in the evening – that’s how I call Maths because I always really feel brain-drained afterwards 😀 and I hate it – and because I was feeling so drained I decided to have some self care time. I had a long, oiling, moisturising and relaxing bath with olive, coconut and sunflower oil and Epsom salt. I felt a bit like I was sitting in some mediterranean dish lol, Greek salad or something, wondered whether I maybe should put some feta cheese or olives into it too 😀 it was really oily, but I felt a bit desperate to do something with my skin as it pisses me off more and more. It’s strange that it never was so hardcore until this year, I’ve never realised I had dry skin before. So I spent there about 15 minutes listening to Plu and relaxing and even took a drink with me to the bathroom and drank it, it was Jack Daniels with Pepsi. I love Jack Daniels (not only because it’s Jack 😀 ), this is actually the only alcohol I drink, and I didn’t have it for ages, since September, but somehow I felt I’d like to drink it that evening. It was so good to hear Gwilym singing and drink Jack. I felt very moisturised afterwards and also very relaxed and warm, so I think it was a good idea, although I think I should probably repeat it once or twice as I felt itchy again later at night, but not as horribly as it used to be recently. The doc said I may feel more itchy when I’m stressed and I was definitely very anxious at night so I think that could be a reason for it.

So yeah, the evening after Maths was definitely fabulous for me.

The night was pretty rough as I mentioned, my Mum suggested it was maybe because of Jack still circulating in my blood and I also think that’s possible. I felt somehow very agitated and anxious, sometimes even panicky and it was very exhausting. Misha wasn’t with me, I looked for him for a while but felt too overwhelmed and scared in general to walk around the whole house and look for him everywhere, I hoped he’d come to me later on but it didn’t happen and everyone was asleep so I didn’t call him with food as it makes a bit of a noise.

I still felt that anxiety staying with me for most part of the day, also probably because of so many people around, but now I’m not anxious almost at all.

How is your weekend going? 🙂