Song of the day – Fi A Fo – “Dagra” (Tears).

Hey! 🙂

The song I picked for yu guys for today is a song from the band Fi A Fo.

They are a duo from north Wales, their songs, or at least these I know, are all in Welsh. Fi A Fo literally means “me and him” and the duo consists of Mali Llyfni and Rhys Jones.

This is my favourite song by them and its title – “Dagra” – means “tears” in English.

A bit of a mental health update.

I’ve had quite a tough time in a few recent days. It started on Thursday and it was even more tough because it was my birthday, so, you know, people would expect you to be happy, smiling and beaming, while I felt everything but that. Since I got up, I felt just so overwhelmingly depressed, plus extremely irritable and emotional, like anything you’d say could make me cry or scream, just like a minefield. Very unstable. So, although as I wrote some time before, I am still a master at stifling emotions and no one really could really see anything that’s going on inside me, even my Mum didn’t realise until I told her, it was really hard to keep things under control.
I had a very poor sleep the night before and maybe that contributed to it. I fell asleep sometime between 4 and 5, I had so many thoughts and feelings on my mind that they kept me up and anxious for the most part of the night. Luckily when I finally fell asleep, it wasn’t disrupted and I had some time to catch up on sleep before the noon. So as I said, I felt just massive floods of emotions going through me when I woke up. I felt like I was shaking inside and had a lump of rage and tears constantly in my throat, as if I was close to a meltdown, which felt a bit scary.
I tried to be smiling and I think I succeeded, after all I am sure that if not my emotional disregulation, I would surely enjoy that day much more.
My sis Zofijka was very sweet to me. She bought me a Toffifee, she knows I love Toffifee and she loves it too, so we were eating it together. Also she got me a pillow which looks like a cat and she called it Misha. My Mum got me a salt lamp, which is really lovely. And I got a cat figurine made of onyx from my Dad, so my gem stone figurines collection is now a bit bigger. It is very lovely too. I felt very grateful for how they knew what would make me happy.
The first more difficult moment for me during that day happened when my aunt, who is also my God mother called me to wish me happy birthday. She is kind of know-all person, quite judgmental and that’s why she often, consciously or not, hurts people with her straight-away, judgmental opinions, which surely aren’t facts, or with her “good advices”. I think almost everyone knows someone like this, who wishes you only well, but in fact every time you talk to them, you feel drained or hurt.
So this time wasn’t an exception and she kind of worsened my mood even more. So I decided that before any guests will come, I need some Mishtime, just Misha and me, otherwise I will explode and people will be surely very astonished and confused. So we had some time together with Misha and with some good, Norwegian electronic music on. I think Mishka realised in some way that I need him, because he stayed beside me for an entire hour, although it’s so not his style. We lied together and I was stroking him and listening to his sounds – his heartbeat, breath, his tummy and any other Mishsounds. They are all sooo cute! 😀 Really. And they are so soothing. That’s why I sometimes wish I could go inside Misha and hide there, although my sis says it’s weird, because she thinks Misha can’t be even a bit as beautiful inside as he is outside and she’d prefer to be small enough to fit his basket and curl up in there with him. Anyway, Mishtime made me a bit more relaxed for a while, but just for a while.
Finally the guests came and it turned out we’ll be having quite a lot of extended family here. Our family is rather big and they like gatherings and their food, especially my Dad’s family, so it was really quite a bunch of people. Although I know them all more or less obviously since they are my family, I didn’t feel very confident in such a big group of people so the anxiety turned on at some point as well. And then we also had a little family drama, not regarding me directly, but indirectly and it made me even more emotional, so after a few hours I just needed urgently to go away from all this. So did it. Misha was following me so we both went to the bathroom and I had a long, hot shower and cried my guts out, as I felt I needed it, where as Misha enjoyed his favourite activity – drank the water from the tap in the tube. He always drinks from everywhere but his own bowl. 😀 I couldn’t really get exactly why I had all these emotions and why they were so intense and mixed. So I cried a lot and for a while I felt I let it out, but it couldn’t be all, because I still was feeling very depressed and hopeless and lonely, although paradoxically the living room was full of people who came to me, at least theoretically. But I knew that if I came to them, the feeling of loneliness wouldn’t decrease. And I was just as crappy as I didn’t feel in weeks already. And then before I even fully realised what I’m doing, I cut myself. Again. Ughhh… Then, of course, endorphines started to work. But again, just for a while.
So I decided that I need to call my therapist. Well I’ve told you already that she isn’t my therapist any longer formally, but since I don’t have any other regular therapy instead, she checks in with me from time to time, like once a month or so. She’s very busy and has a few jobs, so it’s often hard for her to carve out some time. That’s why I was almost sure she won’t be able to talk.
But she was. And it already felt like a huge relief. I told her how unstable and chaotic I feel and like I can burst out with any minute and how unsafe I feel because of that and that I have no clue what could cause it, only that it may be some unprocessed stuff from the past or something like this. Then while talking to her about all that, I realised that it might be also due to PMS, as I have it. There was a little discussion about PMS on one of the lists I’m on exactly the same day, but I didn’t realise it may be due to PMS, or partly because of it, before I started to talk about it to my therapist.I talked to her about what’s going on in my life. That recently I am having sleep paralysis and all the scary dreams regularly again so often wake up pretty exhausted before I even start doing something more constructive. I also talked to her about my anxiety levels which are shifting quite a lot now, sometimes I can feel almost no anxiety and then suddenly it just hits me so strong that it’s sometimes really hard to stand it. Sometimes I even don’t see the reason of such reaction very clearly. And it’s often hard to hide from people that I am anxious, which I hate, because it still makes me quite unsafe when I know or even suppose that other people may realise what I’m feeling at the moment. I told her that I often feel like I don’t get myself AT ALL and how it damn frustrates me. And that I cut myself and now am frustrated about that too. We also talked briefly about my social anxiety in connection to my birthday. She already knows that this school year is extremely hard for me because of the final exams coming in May and stuff related to that as well as because I feel very unsecure about my future and it just looks so shitty and hopeless to me. So she asked me also about these things and how I am doing school wise. I told her that besides that previous exam session being much tougher for me emotionally than I’d expect and how drained I was afterwards, it’s fairly well with this now, I decided to slow down before the next term starts ’cause I feel I really need it and now I’m trying to think about school and my future as little as possible, but I think I’ll have a gap year before I’ll start with any further education. Just to have more time to consider what would be the best for me and also to recharge after this year. And maybe gain some new skills like a new language, find another job, so I’ll have more money either to save for the future or spare just for things I enjoy since I can do this now as I live with my family. That’s what my Mum told me would be wise to do, to take a gap year, and I think so too. My therapist said it’s reasonable indeed. We also talked about my relationship with my Dad, which was always difficult, complicated I mean, but rather good and recently started to break down a bit which worries me and makes me a bit confused. And we talked a lot about many different emotions and feelings and the content of my dreams and other things that are a bit too private to put it here, plus some of them are still fairly difficult for me to talk about.
Anyway, she was able to put some of the weight off me and I felt a little bit more uplifted, even just the fact that she was accessible for me and I had someone supportive to talk to did a lot for me. I felt much more encouraged and not so much hopeless, although it still wasn’t ideally.
She told me that she’s of course not a doctor, but she thinks I am in a lot of distress because of all that what’s going on and if she’d be me, she’d ask my doc to put me on Afobam again.
I was taking Afobam some time ago for a while and it really worked for me so I think it’s not a bad thought and I think I’ll do it next week. Also she told me she would really like to be able to schedule some regular sessions for me, ’cause that’s definitely what I need in her opinion, so she said it would be good if I could find someone who would provide me support on a regular basis. THat may not be as easy though, but I was also thinking about it a lot recently, so looks like it’s time for it.
Misha was still with me as talked to my therapist and purred loudly. I think there really might be something more to that theory that animals are very good at feeling our emotions, he was just so sweet that day. Or maybe he realised it was my birthday haha.
So when we finished, I went downstairs to see what’s up and helped my Mum a bit to tidy up and then went straight to bed with Misha, as I still felt quite depressed and exhausted. The next day I talked to my Mum about my call with the therapist and what we talked about and generally about everything related. She isn’t always very understanding, but was very supportive when I talked to her and we talked honestly and openly for about an hour which I really appreciated. And my Mum also told me she feels like she might have PMS right now, ’cause that day was also hard for her. I didn’t have that overwhelming feeling of too many mixed emotions inside me any longer, although was still feeling depressive throughout the day. But it wasn’t as scary as on Thursday, it really made a huge difference for me.
Today, besides poor sleep again and still feeling a bit depressive, I feel much more stable. My therapist checked in with me today in the morning via email and seemed very pleased to hear about my conversation with Mum. So that’s it, I really hope it’ll get only better from now on. Hope you all are having great weekend. 🙂

Song of the day – Jack Vreeswijk – Rosenblad, Rosenblad.

Hi people! 🙂

Today’s song is in Swedish as well. I decided that since I showed you something from Cornelis Vreeswijk already, we shouldn’t forget about his son – Jack.

Jack (or Lars Jacob) Vreeswijk was born on January 25th 1964 and his mother is Cornelis’ first wife, Ingalill Rehnberg. Having such an unusual and complicated father Jack had undoubtedly very interesting, but also a bit chaotic childhood. He decided to follow his father’s footsteps and become a musician.

Of course, because his dad is so much beloved in Sweden, he is widely known as his son over there and often covers his songs, but has also quite a lot of his own.

“Rosenblad, Rosenblad” is Cornelis’ song though. However, as much as I love Cornelis music, as for “Rosenblad…” I feel like Jack’s version speaks to me more.

The song is really expressive and just great I think. As for the word Rosenblad, it may mean rose leaf in Swedish, but it is also a surname of Vreeswijk’s fictional muse, Ann-Katrrin Rosenblad.

I guess this song doesn’t exist on Youtube in the album version, so I will give you the link to it on Spotify. Hope you don’t mind.

Song of the day (2nd February) – Cornelis Vreeswijk – Grimasch Om Morgonen.

So the song for Friday will be again quite exceptional. It is one of my favourite songs of a man whom I really admire for his poetic talents and generally for his artistic skills and who was my third musical crush. His name is Cornelis Vreeswijk, he comes from Netherlands, but lived and created in Sweden for most of his life, so spoke Swedish fluently. He was a singer, poet and actor and is beloved and famous in Sweden. He lived in 1937-1987. Was quite controversial, being an extreme left-winger, alcoholic etc. Honestly, being a rightist, I disagree with many of his views, but I love his sense of humour, intelligence and how he can describe the world, people, the life, feelings and stuff in an often very straight-away manner, but also with some melancholy at times. I have a whole file with all my favourite quotes of him. One of my big future dreams is to translate some of his works into Polish. Until now, I’ve translated a few of his poems, but the effects are rather miserable.

It’s hard to introduce Cornelis to people who don’t speak any Swedish, as the beauty of his music lies mainly in lyrics, his music is good too, but as he wasn’t a big composer it isn’t always as good as his lyrics, so people with no Swedish have it hard to understand what I actually see in him and his music. But I’ll try my best to show you. And besides his guitar skills were also very good and in this particular song you can hear it very well.

So as I said “Grimasch Om Morgonen” is my favourite song from Cornelis’ discography, I think it’s really beautiful, but also quite sad, bitter and even a bit cynical. Maybe that’s why I love it too.

So to lessen the language bareer at least a bit, I’ll do my best to translate it into English, however, keep in mind, that I am not a native speaker in neither of these languages, so it may not be a masterpiece and probably won’t be.

Now the dew is falling and the sun is rising

But you can’t hear it

You’re lying without blouse or skirt on

With your lips close to my ear

Be serious, you firmly ask

You’re laughing out songs and singing jokes

You can, but don’t want to write

a song about the fragile happiness

Now the sun is rising and the dew is falling

for the poor people and for the rich.

But Luck has a poisoned thorn

that you need to carefully avoid.

She (the Luck) happily lingers for a few days

but when you want to capture her

her eyes turn cold as ice

and you become as bitter as bile

Now the dew is falling without a sound

and grass and leaves become wet

And every morning, the sun is the bride

though no wedding hymns sound

Ann-Katarin, you should know that

there is a certain happiness which dies from laughter.

But it wants to be held at night

And then it becomes as quiet as water.

Get up from bed now, Ann-Katarin

and listen to something important.

There is a special kind of rare wine

that you should enjoy cautiously.

For if you drink it carelessly

it loses its former shine

And all you have got left is an empty bottle

of bitter tears and ashes.

 

Here’s the song:

Track of the day (1st February) – Aine Minogue – Brigid’s Feast.

So, did I ever mention on here before how crazy I am about harp? Well, Celtic harp mainly, but also harp in general. I think I didn’t do it, so I do now. I really really love harp. Welsh triple harp, Irish Celtic harp, classical harp and even autoharp and other kinds of harps. Well I probably haven’t heard them all, but all of these I’ve heard, I love, or at least like.

So today I come to you with a piece from the repertoire of Aine Minogue – who is an Irish Celtic harpist, currently living in the US. She is also singing frequently on her albums, her music is extremely soothing, dream-like, but her voice is also very soothing and unique so her harp, voice and other instruments make a really great mix. I sometimes just can’t stop listen to her.

this is an instrumental. I chose it firstly because it’s just so beautiful, so much of harp, such beautiful, but simple harmonies, etc. but also because of the fact that it is a perfect track for yesterday. That’s why I am so sorry I didn’t manage to show you it on time.

Yesterday, besides the fact that it was my birthday, 😀 it was also the feast day of saint Bridget of Kildare, who is an Irish saint, but centuries ago, Celts honoured one of their goddesses, Brigid, on this day. Actually, some people say that Brigid and saint Bridgt are one and the same person, just that the first  evolved in the latter in people’s minds when Catholicism started to dominate Celtic beliefs. Brigid’s feast day was also called Imbolc and marked the beginning of spring.

Brigid was the goddess of the hearth, poetry, healing, childbirth and unity.

OK, so here’s this stunning piece of Aine’s music:

Blogger appreciation award.

Guys, I am so very happy to tell you that Carol Anne over at Therapy Bits, nominated me for the Blogger Appreciation Award. Thanks, Carol Anne. 🙂 I appreciate it a lot, especially since I am still quite a newbie in the blogosphere.
Definitely do check out her blog if you haven’t seen it before, especially if you are interested in mental health stuff or suffer from any kind of mental illness. https://therapybits.com/
Rules:
Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link back to their site. Use the award image.
Write a paragraph of something positive about yourself.
Nominate and notify as many bloggers as you wish.
So as for my paragraph, let’s say:
I am intelligent, have a good sense of humour, am good at analysing other people’s minds and personalities and in learning new languages, especially catch their sounds quickly. Bloggers I nominate:
Elin at See My Way:
https://seemyway.org/
Meagan at Tulip By Any Name:
https://tulipbyanyname.com/
Blood Sex Glitter
https://bloodsexglitter.wordpress.com/
Kirsty over at English With Kirsty and Unseen Beauty:
https://englishwithkirsty.com/
and
https://unseen-beauty.com/
Check them all out, they’re really great.

tags: award,awards,blog award,blog awards,blogger,blogger appreciation,blogger appreciation award,blogging,blogosphere,blogs,Wordpress]